#and the intro shows SALLY doing all the work 🤣

[multicolour-ink]

Links to each theme for your convenience 👇

TAoStH

Sonic Underground

SatAM

Gotta Go Fast

Sonic Drive

Sonic Boom

Sonic Prime

[thisismyheadexploding]

It’s Christmas Morning, 2004.

I think I have finally decided what to do with this space.

I spend a lot of time trying to process thoughts while I am (also) trying to sleep. This night was one of those nights.

It’s probably an ADHD thing. In order for me to eventually work my way to sleep, I have to be thinking of something. For the longest time—-we’re talking from high school until very recently (more specifically, the early 2000s until early 2024)—-that was fake car ads/commercials/announcements.

I saw it described on TikTok the best. The internal narrator. I think I’ll merge that concept with the Stephen King trope Constant Reader and just refer to this as my “Constant Narrator.”

So, after turning off Christmas Vacation, I thought I would process some thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been feeling especially flat lately. Not depressed, but empty. Flat seems to work best because I am missing my “spark,” like soda missing its fizz. And I began to process and analyze feelings and thoughts and past relationships and that kind of thing.

As usual—or as I did when I was “narrating,” I would eventually drift off to sleep without ever meeting and end or a resolution.

But several times this Christmas morning-I guess I should mention that I went to bed just after 12:24AM-I woke back up. And I went back to processing. And I stepped through a number of friendships and relationships, partly because I think that they and the way that they have ended have brought me to this place that I am currently at. (Emotionally, although we could go deeper and more existential… but why do that in this post when there is room for so many more?)

So, onto my plan.

It’s just after 5AM. I awakened about an hour ago, for no particular reason. I resumed processing and trying to sleep… until I remembered this blog.

See, I am having a hard time committing to therapy. I know I need to talk to someone about what I am feeling (or really, what I am lacking feeling, which is just about any kind of emotion or passion at all.)

But I am very… hesitant. Simply based on the idea that I need to connect with my therapist before I can work through any of this.

And like a true ADHDer, like anything that seems insurmountable, we better just put it off. 🤣

But again, I remember the blog. And I’m already thinking of the characters in my life… and maybe a good jumping off point is to structure this blog kind of like a Wiki.

I’m going to introduce the players in my life, and tag the posts… hopefully in such a way that if anyone ever stumbles across this, they can cross reference all this shit if they want to.

Maybe by the time I am finally senile I can look back at this as a memoir, and the tags will help me keep it all straight myself.

But mostly, I want to get some of this stuff out of my head:

I want to re-live it, step through it, reframe it, and reprocess it.

For some reason I think that, since we as people and as personalities are all little bits of the lived experiences we’ve lived and experienced, somewhere in here might be the key to finding where I lost my happiness and joy-de-viver (yes that’s spelled wrong on purpose, let’s blame the Alan Cox show) and just kind of… let it all out.

It was in the Spider-Man movie—the real one, with Sally Field as Aunt Mae, where she said of donating his things after losing Uncle Ben, “The heavier this box gets, the lighter I am” or some such drivel. But it always stuck with me.

I’m not a Spider-Man fan, by the way. That just stuck with me.

So anyway — I’m gonna do my next post as a placeholder for the characters. There’ll be an intro for them… and then a deeper back story. The back story will probably start with the intro as… an intro; and then the rest of the post will be the very, very verbose back story.

From time to time, there may be other posts—timelines, events, other things I remember—about those characters that weren’t in the main back story, but that all doesn’t really matter.

This isn’t a manuscript. I am just trying to heal my mind.