#and the hyperfixation has cooled but not ebbed

[taylors-a-goblin]

I really look forward to being able to look back on my tumblr page and trace the ebs and flows of my hyperfixations over time. I've never had a tangible, trackable way to do that quite as cleanly as I think this website will enable.

Right now, it's taskmaster. A month or so ago, it was 8 out of 10 cats. Before that it was would I lie to you? Obviously, this is because I've returned, after a year or so of being away, to an overarching British panel/quiz/game show era, but what comes next???

One of the things I enjoy about my ADHD is this roller-coaster of obsession. It's always exciting to find a new (or recurring) obsession and get that giddy, happy, lots of content to consume feeling. The bright, happy, chest consuming joy of watching said content. The stim-inducing bits that you haven't seen or had forgotten about since last time you visited this fixation.

Sometimes, I wonder if neurotypical people ever experience an excited joy as all consuming as that. I know they obviously enjoy things and have things that make them very happy. But if you've never experienced a happy so profound that you can't contain it in your still body, then is it the same? If you're not so excited that you just have to slap your leg or the surface next to you, or shake your hands at your sides, or kick your feet up and down in bed, or clench your hands together really tight, then have you ever felt that truly excited? I don't know, just something I wonder about.

I know ADHD is classified as a disorder. It says it right there on the label. It has its downsides, and I struggle with things a lot of other people don't. It can be really tough. But it can also be incredible, and beautiful, and fun, and excited, and bright and colourful and inspiring and hard working and productive and artistic and loud and quiet and so many things people never say out loud because it's a disorder and those are supposed to be bad.

And I know I'll still complain about some of the symptoms, the things that make parts of my adult life far more difficult than they would be without it. And I know I'll still have days when I wanna do a bunch of stuff but just can't. And sometimes I'll get so frustrated and embarrassed by my own brain that I'll wish it worked the way people say it should.

But this year, I'm deciding that I'm going to try my best not to be ashamed of my brain. I'm going to try to embrace its strengths and its weaknesses and be honest and open about it when I'm struggling. Because yeah, the side effects may vary when you're neurodivergent, and yeah, you don't fit the mould created by the capitalistic society we live in. But maybe that's not really such a bad thing? Maybe that's kinda cool, and anarchistic, and change bringing. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not the problem after all.

So happy new year, neurodivergent family. I hope you and I can enjoy and embrace our brains a little more this year ❤️