#and the full quote of course is ‘man proposes god disposes’

[cockroachesunite]

‘man proposes’ etc (previous) (next)

[deans-baby-momma]

The Padackles Link-Chapter 32

A/N: Look at me go! Three updates in one weekend.....I’m on a roll. LOL Be sure and leave me feedback here. We’ve had smut, fluff, and now it’s time for some good ole angst!!! 

“Audrea Marie Murphy,” I look to the minister standing in front of me. “Do you take this man, Jensen Ross Ackles, to be your lawfully wedded husband? The have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, ‘til death do you part.”

I turn and look to my right and smile into those dazzling green eyes. “I do.”

The minister repeats his question, now looking to Jay. As I listen I can't help but notice how debonair Jay looks in his tuxedo. So distinguished, so handsome. I love him so much my heart feels like it's going to beat straight out my chest, like in the cartoons.

I hear Jay say, “I do" and the butterflies in my stomach take flight.

Is this really happening? Am I becoming Mrs. Jensen Ackles? Someone hands me a gold band and I take Jensen's left hand, sliding the ring on his finger and repeating the words supplied. The ring Jay slips onto my finger matches the one on his and is a perfect combination with the rock already on my hand. I smile, waiting for the minister to announce us husband and wife and tell Jensen to kiss his bride.

But before that happens, the doors at the back of the room swing open, catching my attention. I turn and watch as Danneel walks in. Well, more like waddles because she is very much pregnant. I wonder for a second who the poor bastard is she has her hooks in now.

As I watch her come down the aisle between the crowds of faceless people, she locks eyes with me and has a sinister smirk on her face.

“I object!” she announces when she gets to the front where we are. “He can't marry her.”

“And why not?” the minister asks,  masking his confusion and discomfort well. His voice is monotone and shows no emotion.

“Because while she was planning this wedding, Jensen was impregnating me. With twins!”

I am horrified! How dare she try to steal Jensen back by trying to pin this pregnancy on him.  God only knows who the father is. I look at Jensen and my heart breaks. He is looking at me with remorse and regret. The lies are true? He has been sleeping with her after proposing to me when I told him about our baby?! I grab my stomach and realize it's flat and smooth.

This isn't right, I think to myself. I should be showing by now but there isn't a bump, small or large. There aren't any flutters, letting me know that our little baby was moving around in there.

Danneel scoffs and rolls her eyes.  “Drea, just stop! There is no baby, there never was. You got worried that you were going to lose him so you dreamed up a baby. You will never give birth to an Ackles child! But I will.”

“Drea? Drea, sweetie?” I hear someone calling my name but when I look around there is no one here. No one! The crowd is gone, the officiant has vanished, even Jensen and Dani are nowhere around.

“Drea! Wake up honey.” I hear the voice again and slowly the church fades away and I open my eyes to see the cabin of a plane. I focus and see Gen leaning over the armrest between us, looking concerned.

“Sweetie, it was just a dream.”

I breathe a sigh of relief and take the tissue she hands me, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose.

“Wanna talk about it?” she asks as I toss the used tissues into my purse to dispose of later.

I tell her about the dream and how it had felt so real, that Danneel being pregnant with Jay’s twins felt so certain. I told her about how Dani had accused me of making up my pregnancy to trap Jensen. Gen grabs my hand and holds it tightly in hers. “Drea, sweetie. Weird and bizarre dreams are a symptom of pregnancy. I had some doozies when I was first pregnant with Tom.”

“Really?”

“Oh yea. And they seemed so real,” Gen tells me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“We were getting married,” I explain to her, smiling. “Right before the minister pronounced us husband wife, though, Dani came in and objected. She was pregnant with twins and claimed they were his.” “Oh honey,” Gen says, patting my hand. “That’s horrible. But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“I know.” I say and then realize what she said. “Wait, why do you say that?”

“It’s nothing,” Gen says but I can tell she is lying.

“Tell me.”

“You don’t want to know. Trust me,” she says. “In your condition, it’s best to just leave it alone.”

I sit up and look Gen in the eye. “Genevieve Padalecki, tell me what you mean!”

“When the kids and I were hanging out with her and JJ a few weeks ago, she said some things about you, about Jay. And I think she is just done. Done with everything. I think she has a man but I’m not sure.”

“What did she say, Gen?” I demand. “And don’t hold anything back, I can take it. I need to know what she said!”

“She claims that you probably lied about losing your husband. That Chad either never existed, or hadn’t died. That you made the whole story up to get their sympathy and that you wanted Jay from the get-go. That you are lonely and no one else wants you. I brought up Josh and she said that he likely left you because he seen you were nothing but a homewrecker and was trying to get your paws on Jay so he got out while he still could. Said, and I quote, ‘She’s probably as bad at fucking as Jay is and the good doctor deserves better than a mediocre screw’.”

“What?” I am stunned and shocked at what Dani actually thinks of me. That I would lie about losing my husband. How immoral does she think I am? And that I wanted Jay all along? “I wasn’t the one pursuing him, it was the other way around,” I tell Gen as I look at her through the tears.

“I know honey,” she tells me and reaches out to wipe away the tears streaming down my face. “She’s just hurting and wants to hurt you. I told her she doesn’t need to be saying that shit because it would only blow up on her when the truth comes out and she just looks worse.”

“Thank you for defending me Gen. You didn’t have to.”

“Yes, I did!” Gen urges. “You are my friend. And I’m the one who told Jay to go for it with you. It’s my fault too.”

“Nah,” I chuckle and shake my head. “Ya didn’t twist his arm to sleep with me. Shit, that happened before the convention. Hmmm,” I tilt my head and look off into the distance, a thought coming to my head.

“What?” Gen asks.

“When Jay and I first had sex, she was away filming. Wonder if she screwed anyone then?”

“Probably, from what I understand, she’s always slept with someone when she’s been on a set. Before Jay and after. She’s nothing but a slut disguised as a decent human.”

“You are so right. She wants to call me the slut? I’ve been with two people my whole life! She probably can’t keep count of who she’s had between her legs.”

Gen and I laugh and I let the weird dream I’d had go. Maybe one day, Jay and I would get married, who knows. But one thing is for sure, Jay wouldn’t be impregnating her with twins, ever!

It had taken almost two months before Naomi could find someone to take my place for the few days I was asking for to make this trip to see Jay and tell him about our baby. In that time, I had noticed that my stomach had become a bit more extended and my boobs were getting rounder and more full. I knew that it wouldn’t take much for him to realize the changes, especially if he got close enough to embrace me so Gen had planned ahead and called Jared to tell him that I wanted to surprise Jay with a visit. He was going to goof off on set and make sure that they didn’t get back to the house until we had arrived and were set. The guys would get home and Jared and Gen would go out and leave Jay and I alone.

As the plane landed, I became more nervous but giddy about telling Jay he was going to be a dad again. The doubts swirled in my mind, but I tried to keep the happy thoughts at the forefront. Him being elated with the news. Him dropping to his knees and kissing my stomach. Him telling him/her how much he already loves it. Us making love in jubilee, both of us ecstatic and overjoyed at becoming parents.

Jared had secretly sent Clif to pick Gen and myself up and we quickly climbed into the SUV and he headed toward the house that the guys stayed in while filming. It was a modest one story ranch style house with a small yard divided by the walkway that led from the driveway to the front steps. Clif carried our bags and waited while Gen worked on unlocking the door and then followed us in.

“Thank you Clif,” Gen smiled at the big man with a numerous amount of tattoos on his arms. He looked intimidating, which was good since he was the bodyguard to two good-sized men themselves. But the smile on his face when he looked at us showed just how big a teddy bear the man was.

“It was no problem, Gen.”

“Now, don’t be letting on that you know we’re here. Jared knows, of course but this is more of a surprise for Jensen.”

“I know. My lips are sealed,” Clif said and motioned as if he zipped his lips and pocketed the key, causing both Gen and I to laugh.

Clif left and Gen showed me to which room was Jay’s and told me she was going to get settled in Jared and her room. I opened the door and was surprised at how clean it was. The king size bed stood in the middle of the room, a dark blue comforter covering it. The dresser and nightstand beside the bed were made of the same wood at the bed, a pretty natural-colored oak. I put my suitcase on the bed and unzipped it. Reaching into the pocket in the top I pulled out the test and the confirmation paper I had gotten from the doctor’s. I set them on the nightstand and got my clothes out to begin putting them away. On the top of the dresser were a couple of frames with pictures in them. One was of Jay and JJ at her first birthday party; the other one was a photo of me he had snapped one day while we were goofing off while packing for his return to filming. It was only a few weeks old but I could already see the changes. My face was a bit fuller and even my eyes seemed to be a more vibrant color than they were in the picture.

I looked back at the nightstand where the test laid and got an idea. I went on a search for what I would need and asked Gen to help. We found an empty photo frame in the office that the guys use and she showed me how to hook my phone up to print off the picture we had took. I would gift this to Jay after I told him my news so that he could look at it while he was lying in bed and could imagine me there with him.

It was a little after 8 before the guys walked in the door. Gen and I were in the kitchen when we heard the door open and Jay complaining about Jared’s pranks on set that caused filming to go over. He stopped as soon as I walked around the corner and just stared at me.

“Drea? Baby what are you doing here?”

Jared and Gen quietly left the room and it was just me and Jay left.

“I missed you babe.”

“Oh. I’ve missed you. More than you know,” he said as he stepped closer to me. In order for him not to hug me like I could see he wanted to, I held out my hand and asked him to follow me. I had changed out of the outfit I was in to take the picture earlier into a blank tank top and a pair of jeans that I could still zip and button. He took my hand and allowed me to lead him to the bedroom.

I closed the door and slipped by him when he tried to bring me into his arms again. I reached under the pillow where I had hid the pregnancy test and paper in an envelope and held it to him.

He took it and noticed the lump in it. “Well I don’t think this is a Dear John letter, is it?”

“No, Jay. Just open it.”

I watched as he tore the end of the envelope and held it up to let the test slide out. As soon as the stick hit his palm I stood sideways in front of him and lifted my tank. He stared at the test in his hand for a long time before he glanced up at me.

“Are you serious?” he asked. My breath caught because I couldn’t tell by his tone if he was happy or upset. So I timidly answered, “Yea.”

Jay looked down at my stomach and then up to my face and back down to the test in his hand.

“Drea, please tell me you’re not joking?”

“I’m not joking Jay. I’m pregnant. In about 7 months you’re gonna be a dad. Again.”

He put the test back in the envelope and placed it on top of the dresser near the picture of him and JJ. I watch as he walked over to me. A big smile grew on his face before he pulled me into his arms. “You’re having my baby?”

Yes, Jay. I’m having your baby.”

He picked me up and swung me around until we were both dizzy. “I love you so fucking much baby!”

“So, I guess you’re happy?”

“Are you kidding? I’m the happiest fucking man on this fucking planet right now!”

“Good.” I say as he sits me on my feet. “I got one more surprise for you.”

“Can’t be better than this,” he says as he lays his hand on my stomach. “My baby.”

I get the framed picture and hand it to him. He takes it and looks and somehow his smile got bigger. “Oh baby. This is going to help so much on those cold, lonely nights.”

“It’s just me in a long night dress, Jay.” I roll my eyes.

“But, look at that ass, those legs that I dream about wrapped around me. Those tits! God, Drea. You are so damn sexy!”

He sets the picture on the nightstand where I had figured it would be and then turns. “Can we tell them?” he asks and nods toward Jared’s room.

“Tell Jared. Gen already knows,” I tell him. “She’s the one that figured it out.”

“Of course!” Jay laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the room.

“Padalecki, I’m catching up!” Jay yells down the hall and immediately the door to a room opens and Jared walks out.

“What?”

Jay puts his arm around me and his other hand on my stomach. “I said, I’m catching up.”

Jared’s eyes widen and then he rushed toward us. He picks me up and turns. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” I say laughing as he sits me back down beside Jay.

Jared and Gen and Jay and I were sitting around the kitchen table later that night. Three of them drinking a beer and I was drinking water.

I look at Jared and ask, “So what did you do after Gen told you that Jay and I were together and why?”

“I tell you, I was shocked! I felt like an idiot,” he said somberly then smiled. “Seriously, I missed all the hints apparently. I confronted Jay. He told me he fell in love with you and that you were in love with him too. Told me about Dani catching you two together. Then that she kicked him out and he moved in with you.”

“Yea,” I say. Now I know that Dani had, in fact, kicked him out. I had wondered but never questioned it because he was with me so it really didn’t matter.  

“I went straight back to my trailer and called Gen. I had no idea all that had happened with Dani,” he says looking at Jay. “I didn’t know she was sleeping around still.”

“What do you mean still?” Jay asks, an odd tone to his voice.

Gen and I look at each other, shocked. We know Jared just stuck his foot in his mouth and there was nothing else to do but tell Jay what he knew. I grabbed hold of Jay’s hand to ground him as Jared runs his hand across the back of his neck.

“When you two started dating, that first time she came up to visit. You were still shooting your footage and she sort of propositioned me. Asked me if I was satisfied. This was while I was dating Sandy. I turned her down and she told me if I ever need anything to let her know. And the way she rubbed her hand down my chest as she said ‘anything’, I knew what she meant and she knew I understood because she winked.”

“What?!” Jay asks, his voice loud and a bit high. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to upset you. I actually thought she was joking, until Gen told me about JJ’s paternity fiasco.”

“Jay, it’s in the past. We, you, know now what kind of person she is. Her true colors have come to light and there is nothing any of us can do about it. Just focus on JJ and this child you’re having with Drea,” Gen says, softly afraid Jay might go off on her.

Jay sat there, staring at Jared, breathing heavy for a few minutes before he sighed and then he swipes at a empty beer bottle on the table, causing it to fly to the floor crashing and shattering. I can’t help but jump at the sound. Jay stands up and runs his hand through his hair. “If you had’ve told me, I wouldn’t have married her. Hell, I would’ve ended it right then and there. That whore had baited me. Hook, line and sinker. Man, she had me fooled! I’m such an idiot! I thought this was a new development but apparently I’ve never been good enough for her!” By now he was yelling and I sat there, biting my bottom lip, tears burning my eyes. I hated seeing him so upset and hurt and knowing there was nothing I could do to help. Jay storms out of the room, not looking at any of us. We hear the bedroom door slam and I get up to go to him but Jared lays his hand on top of mine and simply says, “I’ll take care of it.”

I look to Gen and she just nods. She knows, as well as I do, that Jared was the one who would be able to calm Jay down and get him to talk. Those two were as much alike as actual brothers.

Later that night, after Jay had calmed down and came back into the front room, apologizing, we bid the Padalecki’s goodnight, the four of us retired to our respective rooms. Jensen and I celebrated the new life we had created the way I had imagined, Jay buried deep inside me.

Chapter 33

The Link Crew: @xxdragonagequeenxx  @sunskittlex  @carryonmywaywardcaptain  @darlingpeanut  @wayward-gypsy @sis-tafics  @sea040561

[duckbeater]

The Sea of Faith, pt. 1

M showed me his penis a week or so after Carl slept over at his condo. He hoped I would weigh in on a red spot that was neither a pimple from razor burn nor—M had done a frenzied hour or so of Google image comparisons—a herpes rash or an HPV wart or a syphilitic chancre. I didn’t make the obvious connection. In fact, most of my records from that night (including my previous, loosely written one), indicate Carl had made quite the nuisance of himself—too much so to fuck around. He tracked mud onto the carpets and sullied a sea green sofa; he tried smoking inside, first a cigarette and then, after Ben had wrested those away, and M and Ben had believed him pacified, a careful handful of childishly rolled up leaves from a beloved silk pothos. It did not ignite but smoldered sourly. His appetite piqued by all the crawling and tottering, he asked for an egg, two eggs, over-medium, and wheat toast—and ate standing. After a dry dog yowl—huge gloppy vomit—then strings of yolk dripping out his nose. Somehow he managed to pass out on the futon. M removed his wet shoes and pants, and Ben turned his head. They had cleaned his face and dried his eyes (a detail that reminds me of the times I’ve yarked so hard, my eyes streamed tears without sadness); now he was blanketed, pillowed, sound asleep.

But until he collapsed, Carl talked more or less nonstop. He mumbled questions about the decoration, about their “arrangement”—“How long have you two been ‘exclusive’?”—deploying air quotes, saying too that he was just waiting for John to text, just a little howdy-doody, “My ‘John’ …”—but probably, so late, John was asleep… then moved to a discussion of the neighborhood. All this in a soft loop, this blather. He apologized in an offhand way, also repeatedly, for “crowding their scene.” When M explained this to me, I said, “Oh, he was waiting for the invitation to join you in bed. It’s not at all weird that even very drunk he kept priorities around sex. What a lizard. You were his little rock to lie on.”

“I don’t have a little rock,” said M.

“Why did you make that dumb fuck an egg sandwich?” I replied.

“It was very late and all our other attempts at drunk person diplomacy had failed.”

This summary took place before the penis picture. We were walking together down Clark, he tall and I short, two limp lightning bolts in sweat-soaked gym clothes. M was supposed to be taking a bus back after our Fro-Yo, but we were letting them glide north while we continued to stroll south. The evening air smelled of lavender from Andersonville’s many decorative beds (the flowers pressed a little from a light summery thundershower), with the usual notes of misty wet road and car exhaust. Also, from no discernible source, garlic bread.

“What was the morning like?” I asked.

M said, “Not awesome. He was not waking up in time for my work, so I left him with Ben, and he did not wake up in time for Ben’s drive back to Michigan, so then Ben left him with a note.”

“Did he pee the bed?”

“No.”

“Did he smell bad?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“Man,” I said, “how unpleasant. Carl didn’t talk anymore about Trump?”

“No.”

“Did you see him again?”

“Nope,” said M, “he slipped away I guess in the afternoon.”

“How are him and John?”

“I don’t really know.”

“Do you have any greater sense of who this creature was, who you brought into your home, fed, stripped, tucked safely to sleep? He has used you in every way short of writing your address a shitty Airbnb review, and you can’t give me—”

“Evan,” M cut in, “what you really want are details to put into your stories, and for now, I’m fine, I’m quite fine with the…” He searched for a word.

“Paucity?” I supplied. “The paucity of detail?”

“Carl’s amazing vanishing act.” Then M remembered something: “He did end up smoking in the house! He did! I came home and the whole fucking place smelled like an ashtray!”

“What a horrible dumb fuck!” I said, relishing this detail, luxuriating in it as amorously as a cat who’s found sun-warmed wood to lie on. I actually began to kneed M’s back, purring like an idiot, fingers meeting tensed muscles through his shirt.

“That fucking tickles!” he screamed, then pivoted, and held both my hands in his. “This is my bus,” he said. “Tell Daniel I said, ‘Make more money!’”

“Okay, tell Ben I said, ‘Pull more teeth!’”

He rolled his eyes and then, as is M’s custom, kissed me much too deeply, much too wetly on the mouth, and before I’d opened my eyes (for I have made it my custom to close my eyes, and to imagine, with all attendant melancholy, what my life with M would have been like), ah, he was gone.

—

Whenever I’ve wrecked myself on booze in front of strangers, I assumed there was no saving it. I reasoned I’d never see those victims again, and that over the course of months, in a city full of strangers drinking themselves to tatters in front of other strangers, those victims would forget my face. My holding this belief accounts for some of my surprise (and some of my admiration) on finding Carl’s friend request when I got home. In fact his tactic mystified me. He had appended the notice, I was not myself.

Not discounting M’s very recent account, Carl’s presumption of grace deeply impressed me. Substituting one identity for another, as in the transforming embrace of a forgiving god, is a powerful leap into the charity of those you’ve trespassed. It is excellent gamesmanship. I can’t complete this analogy (because it’s not a very good one), but I recalled the plot of Borges’ “The Theologians,” a story that ends in heaven, with the orthodox Aurelian and his nemesis, the heretic John of Pannonia, forming a single, unimportant person in the mind of their inscrutable divinity. I felt that I could be this inscrutable divinity, disinterestedly absolving the two Carls. I drank some wine, I tapped my lower lip.

“It is not one pyre you are lighting, it is a labyrinth of fire,” hissed Euphorbus, wearing his clothes of flames. I’d never considered the gay subtext of “The Theologians,” but suddenly it was crystalline. I tapped my lower lip. I was not myself. The demands of the city—its psychic boring, its loneliness and drudgery—have fairly atrophied my sense of destiny. I’ve never been a great detective; the little red flags that practically fall from the mouths of wastrels, I use those for napkins, believing them to be napkins. That isn’t a metaphor for using the messes of other people to wipe away my own (or not only). Some hazards reflect back at you and blind you. With slits for eyes I accepted his friend request.

I accepted his friendship, and went ahead and built it, technically, on a lie. He thanked me for helping him to bed in M’s condo and I didn’t correct him. Embellishing some, I wrote: It was like disposing of a corpse! You were so heavy. It felt like a gangster movie. The pronoun was speculative, meaning hypothetical. (Furnishing him upstairs probably did feel like managing a corpse up two flights, to M and Ben. Carl probably was heavy: he’s six-foot-two.) He wrote back, I’m glad you found it entertaining, and I interjected—because I’m a fast typer—No, it was cinematic, I wasn’t entertained!

He didn’t reply back to that thread, but a few days later he sent me a book review I’d already read and I thanked him for it.

Days after that he inquired if I’d read the book under review or the review itself, and I said,Yes, of course, and he said, I thought so. Would you recommend? I was beginning to feel important. I said Nah and asked about John. Several hours later he replied: All’s well that ends well. Because the last I’d seen of Carl was his crying on a stoop, I wondered how stable was their relationship? No new pictures together—fairly few together to begin with, no mutual replies or likes.

I texted M. Carl and John break-up?

Hours later, M ignored the question and proposed we see a movie later in the week. I didn’t text back at all, thinking, Game recognize game. I didn’t obsess, and I didn’t encourage.