#and the first 30 minutes or so when i wake up...i am almost completely unable to function so i gotta schedule that in too

[jontheredrc]

Well, it's about that time again, and...I got really shafted by this daylight savings crap. I worked a closing shift yesterday, and I have a morning shift today. And it's all stormy and rainy out! It really makes me want to go back to bed. That, and I missed when my friends were playing games together, because I took a nap and woke up at the time we normally meet for this sort of thing, only that's suddenly wrong. Why do we do this to our own measurement of time? Can you imagine if we decided to invalidate our other units for no good reason? Like, "Oh, there was a solar eclipse, so we didn't see the sun, so this doesn't count as a day, so tomorrow is also the 10th." Or, "Oh, whenever you're counting miles, always skip 12, because that movie The Green Mile came out in a December." And now that I think about it, in the book that I'm writing, the apocalypse really kicks off around March, so what if we broke the time and never fixed it? Don't you think that's rude, if Lyla Brangwyn, dog-eared scholar of the end-times, comes by our ruins and asks for the time, and we give her an answer that's wrong on purpose? Why would someone do that to Lyla?

Have a great day, everyone! Love you! If you're in an area doing a time switch, I hope you're handling it better than I am! 👋💕

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at Elland Road in Leeds, UK - May 29, 1982 (Part-2)

Fan Stories

“We got a coach from my home town (about 2 hours from memory) and drank an ocean of lager on the way, by the time we got there we needed the toilet so badly we could have exploded! We got into the stadium and waited for the first band of the day. Soon enough a not very well known (to me) American band came on called Heart. They weren't bad but did nothing for me. Then came The Teardrop Explodes who tried and who I reckoned did quite well despite the flying bottles of liquid being hurled at them from the crowd. After them was Joan Jett complete with Blackhearts who got the crowd going with "I Love Rock'n'Roll" mainly because Brian appeared at the side of the stage with his daughter to have a look. Eventually after a long wait the stage lights dimmed and a strange cranking sound started up and then you were suddenly aware of the drum beat to Flash thumping out and spotlights chasing around the stadium. This went on for a minute or so and the excitement was unbearable. All of a sudden in an explosion of smoke, lights, guitars, drums... Brian, John and Roger are there blasting out the opening part of The Hero. Seconds later in a gleaming white leather jacket out runs Freddie and it begins... A moment I will never forget along with many others from Queen shows since and before it. I can't say which show was my favourite as I loved them all but that moment WAS Queen, the sheer power, the anticipation, the fantastic musical ability and above all else the way they gave people what they crave more than anything... wonderful memories.” - whiteman

“29th May 1982 - a really nice warm day. We only lived a few miles away so walked down to Elland Road - I can't believe it - Queen live in my home town at the home of the greatest football team in the country (well maybe not now!). Got to the ground early and were allowed in by security, such a relaxed atmosphere. Saw band's soundcheck - great! So hot sun, never went behind stadium roofs. Got best suntan I have ever had! Heard Teardrop Explodes - not bad. Then you are aware of the beat of flash thumping out around the stadium, the smoke rises and bang - they are on! The greatest gig I have ever seen from the greatest live band in history. God bless you, Brian, Roger and John. Rest in peace, Freddie - we will never forget.” - Michael Quine

“This was my second ever gig, the first being Rory Gallagher the year before (I am sure I once read that Rory was one of Brian May's favourite guitarists). Anyway, being only 14 and not yet in the habit of getting off my face at gigs,I can remember that day very clearly. I am convinced I saw someone throw a hamburger at Julian Cope (Teardrop Explodes were going down like a lead balloon), and just as Julian was opening his gob to sing, he CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH. A huge cheer went up, then they stomped off. Somebody, possibly Queen's manager, came on and told everbody to behave. I also remember a fan getting on stage and Freddie expertly rolling him off the stage. I didnt like the Hot Space album much but was chuffed they were still a hard rock band. I bought the next edition of Kerrang mag and the write up of the gig said STUNNING. Great memory.” - Edwin

“I was 15 years old in 1982 when I attended my first ever concert. Fortunately for me, it was QUEEN's show at Leeds AFC ground in the North of England. I remember when my ticket arrived in the post, possibly 2-3 months before the concert, as was often the case in those days. I stuck my ticket on a cork notice board in my bedroom and could barely contain my excitement over the coming weeks. Every morning, I would wake up and look at the yellow ticket, wishing the days away. I imagined everything that could go wrong would. Queen would cancel the gig, I would break my leg, the family pet would die on the morning of the concert and it would be too insensitive of me to go, the transport wouldn't turn up or would break down, there would be a pile up on the motorway, I'd lose my ticket en route, etc, etc. As it turned out, May 29th 1982 was a hot and sunny day, perfect weather for an outdoor gig. I was CRAZY about Queen and had been since the age of 9 but I really didn't know what to expect on that day. Myself and three friends took a coach organised by my Dad's company from Lancashire across the M62 motorway to Leeds. Our excitement began to really take a hold when we arrived at the football ground and we followed the droves of people towards the turnstiles. To me, this was something on a really big scale and I could already hear the hum of the crowd inside. Not really believing that we were actually about to witness a Queen concert, we found our seats on the West Stand, offering a great view of the stage. I remember marvelling at Queen's new lighting rig and the equipment that adorned the stage, shining in the afternoon sunshine. The ground was almost full at this point and the pitch was heaving with people. The atmosphere was relaxed as people bathed in the sunshine. I remember two guys climbing the fence from the stand and attempting to get a better spot by running into the crowd and losing themselves on the pitch. Their efforts were in vain however as they were quickly located and ejected back into the stand by two security guards. We bought some black Hot Space tour shirts (I wore mine with pride until it literally fell apart) and a programme from a vendor inside the ground and waited for the first band to take the stage. A guy near us shouted and punched his way through Heart's set and then left just as they vacated the stage. Obviously not a Queen fan! The Teardrop Explodes suffered at the hands of the Queen congregation and found themselves battling against a shower of bottles and assorted missiles. Other than that, I don't really remember much about the support bands. I think that Bow Wow Wow were billed to play (an odd choice) but I can't recall if they actually turned up. No matter, we were about to witness what is still one of the best gigs I have ever attended.

As the dusk descended upon us, the giant floodlights were extinguished one by one and the memory of the roar that followed still sends shivers down my spine. Dry ice drifted across the heads of the crowd on the pitch as the intro tape of Flash thumped out of the PA and the strange 'grating' noises added to the recording created a foreboding atmosphere. Two of our party were on the pitch and to this day remember their chests thumping in unison to the powerful rhythm. A sea of hands clapped in perfect time to the beat. To me, this was already an amazing experience. And then the big moment. Freddie, resplendent in dazzling white made his entrance to The Hero and the blaze of the lights. An apt number to start with. Before he had even sung a note, the audience were locked tightly in the palm of his hand. Such an entrance, such a showman. "You're a F***in amazing crowd", he exclaimed after the first rush. The beginning of the gig is, in truth, my strongest memory of the show itself. In particular, the "Flash!!!" vocals cutting through the night air with so much volume. I recall being shocked at the sheer power of Queen's performance and the clarity of the huge sound they harnessed. Morgan Fisher's keyboards during 'Action This Day' sounded bright and hypnotic. Freddie's intro to Fat Bottomed Girls caused quite a response too; "the bigger the t*t the better it is!". I also remember the follow spots darting wildly over the crowd during 'Tie Your Mother Down' and everybody going crazy. Oddly enough (and this is something I still swear by to this day), I was in a Maths lesson at school the following Monday and I swear I had a flashback of this and could actually 'hear' the music being re-played in my head. It was a weird moment and life was never quite the same again. We talked endlessly about our experience for months to come and one of my biggest regrets is not jumping on a train to attend the filmed Milton Keynes show a week later. Having been to so many gigs since, I can honestly say that there is nobody who has been able to top Queen live; I was lucky enough to see the band five times between 1982 and 1986, including Wembley Stadium and their last show at Knebworth. I think that my personal favourite was their performance at the NEC in Birmingham on 'The Works' tour in 1984. People were literally stood there with open mouths, unable to believe how good they were. Leeds is definitely up there too. I recall Brian May stating that he thought it was one of their best performances ever. I can't argue with that Mr May. I've often wondered if an audience shot cine film or even just photographs exist from the Leeds gig. It would be a dream come true to see my memories come to life again.” - Keith Lambert

“I can't believe it was 30 years ago that I attended my first ever gig at Elland Rd Leeds in 1982. I was 17 years old at the time, I was into Queen when I first heard seven seas of rhye, which was so different to all the other stuff around at the time. I'd heard them live on tv, and had Live Killers. Also I used to buy bootleg cassettes of all of their tours from 74 onwards. But nothing could prepare me for that day. They should have played this gig at Old Trafford Manchester, my home town, so I was gutted when the residents opposed it. Tickets were very easy to come by, believe it or not, cos Queen were not seen as a relevant band at that time. Also touring the Hot Space album didn't seem to excite anybody. So, Billy no mates had to go on his own, haha. My memory is a bit hazy, but I will try my best. I got to the ground about 1pm, and was lucky enough to have a pitch ticket. I got right to the front, well about 10 yards from the stage, slightly off centre and to the right. If I told you I never moved from that spot all day and never spoke to anyone, would you believe me? One of the reasons for this is the rivalry between Manchester and Leeds, also I was only a kid, haha. Not sure who was first on, probably Teardrop Explodes, Julian Cope, I remember while they were throwing bottles at him, picked one up and started hitting himself with it and stretching his arms out saying he was an Argentinian bomber or something. It was during the Falklands war, remember. Then Heart came on, not really my cup of tea, and I had a lie down on the tarpaulin and tried to go to sleep. Then Joan Jett, who was better than the rest, but not really exciting. During the band changes, I remember the roadies polishing Roger's drum kit and climbing up ropes and those threepronged lights, which before I saw them move I thought they were cameras. Queen took ages to come on. From my recollection and I might be wrong, they didn't come on until 10pm and went off around Midnight. I heard later that they got fined so much per minute for being late on stage but they wanted to wait until it was dark for the lighting rig to take effect. If you watch the Bowl DVD you will notice it was light when they came on stage there. But that was being filmed by Channel 4. But it was absolutely pitch black when they came on stage at Leeds. Then the floodlights went off, smoke started to appear and strange noises started, which I can't describe, sorry. Then Flash's Theme started, it was loud, very, very loud. I knew they were supposed to be loud and this was the part that scared me. The ground was thumping, the bass just pumping away. The these 'cameras' flicked into life, with men on them. The intro seemed to last for a very long time. Then BANG Brian appears with the first chord of The Hero and a flash of the biggest white light I've ever seen and will never forget and the absolute loudest noise I have ever heard just hit me. The intro was quite in comparrision to this. When I play Live at the Bowl, I tend to repeat the intro and The Hero, virtually every time, because it was definitely a life changing experience for me at that moment, just incredible. Then Freddie appeared in brilliant white again, I was that close, I swear His hair seemed blue because of the mass of white lights. His voice, so loud, so clear, honestly, I can't describe that moment properly. I heard Freddie swear, saw Roger spitting, quite a lot, over his drum kit and onto the stage, I was bewildered.

When they did Play The Game and also Somebody To Love, when Freddie was doing the intros for them and it will sound strange to those that weren't there, but I didn't know what the songs were. I thought they was new unreleased songs. The reason was they was so loud, It kind of deafened you and then kind of sunk in what they were about to play. Then the rest of the gig flew by and I was singing my head off. Everyone was, but you could only hear Queen. Again my memory may be wrong, but I read afterwards that Queen had paid for residents to move out of their homes for the day. These houses were monitored and they said that the sound was like Concorde flying 10 feet over your head... Yep I will buy that. For all that and for all the bad things said about it, The Works tour, which I went to all the 4 origional England gigs they had planned, was the best tour they ever did. The set list was fantastic and the lighting rig was incredible. Not as loud, I also add. I also saw them in Manchester, 86. They had to be off stage by 10pm and noise levels had to be adhered to. I was too far awy to see them and the screens didn't come on because it was too light. Also I couldn't here them properly. I've watched the mMagic Tour gigs on DVD etc, but for me, that was the poorest tour they ever did. So that's it, hopefully some of you can confirm my bad memory, or say I'm wrong. Hopefully not bored you all. But it was the greatest musical experience I ever witnessed and I am proud I was there.” - Paul Wakefield

Part-1

(x)

[peralta-guaranteed]

hc of amy having a bad day and struggling with mac? say he’s very clingy or also upset

Guess what, this accidentally turned into a fic too. And it kinda shifted into 'Jake and Amy having a bad day and struggling with Mac for very different reasons'... I hope you still like it!

(read it on AO3)

It had become evident pretty early on that when Mac got sick, he gravitated towards Amy much more. Sure, Jake was also sometimes good for snotty cuddles and cough-soothing baths, but at some point he would call for his mom, or whine and spread his arms towards her with his legs kicking in frustration, and it said a lot about how much Jake has grown that he didn't even hesitate to hand him over without acting hurt. Maybe the blissful calm washing over Mac's face as soon as Amy was hugging him helped with that, too. It was such a wonderful thing to see after hours of crying, coughing, sneezing, whining and general sad pouting that only a Peralta-baby is capable of, Jake barely had the energy to worry about how it felt to be so blatantly rejected by his little boy.

It'd also become evident that Mac’s clingy phase had started a bit earlier than most of their parenting books prophesied. If Amy was home, he wanted to be on her lap, or in her arms, or wrapping his little arms around her leg as she tried to work in the kitchen. Jake got “NO!”ed and waved away far more often than he was asked for a hug himself, and again, it took a lot of newfound maturity not to let that get to him - and maybe he did not have enough of that yet, because it absolutely got to him in quieter moments.

(He knew it’d pass, like any phase in a toddler’s life passes at some point. Like the phase of Mac refusing anything but that one specific carrot puree passed, or the phase of him being unable to sleep anywhere except cuddled in between them, waking up as soon as they tried to carry him back to his own bed.)

The real trouble starts when both these situations collide.

-*-

Mac woke them up at 4:30 sharp, two hours before Amy’s first alarm, crying so hard it almost sounded like screaming. When Jake tiptoed into the nursery, he had to ignore the frustrated shouts of Nonono and Mamam that he was almost used to by now, to actually check what was wrong. Probably another ear infection, he realised after seeing the symptoms they’d become very familiar with during the last time they’d battled through one of those. They had to bring him to the doctor to be sure, but he already knew they were looking forward to at least two days of unsoothable crying and fussing.

He also knew that things would be hell for Amy.

In theory, it would make far more sense for him to call in sick to take care of Mac. As much as he loved his detective work, the simple fact that his wife outranked him (and thus outdid him in both salary and responsibilities, obviously) meant that if one of them had to take a few days off, it should be him first and foremost. In practice, however, Mac was going to be even more insufferable than just from his sickness if left alone with him at the moment. He was still crying for Amy as Jake lifted him out of the cot - he would be screaming bloody murder if she closed the door of the apartment behind her.

“Earache?” Amy asked already as Jake stepped back into the bedroom, Mac’s wailing lessening only slightly as he stretched his arms out toward her. She pulled him to her as Jake sighed and nodded.

“I think so. I’ll take him to the doc when they open.” He tried to offer, but he knew Amy would refuse it anyway.

“No, I can do it. I’ll call in sick - you get back to sleep for work.”

“I’ll try.” He sighed again as he dropped onto his back while Amy was sitting up to sway Mac, who’d actually quieted down into little sobs and sniffles in her arms. “I’m sorry, Ames.”

“It’s nobody’s fault he’s sick, especially not yours.”

“Yeah, but I wish I could help more. If he wasn’t- you know.”

“I know.” Amy let her free hand not holding Mac drift through Jake’s sleep-messy curls. She knew that, as much as he tried to pretend it wasn’t bothering him, he secretly hated the thought of his son rejecting him in any way, even if it was as nonsensical as a clingy toddler phase.

Luckily it didn’t take long for him to actually fall back asleep with her hand in his hair, and she carefully wiggled out of bed to let him rest while settling down with a still crying Mac in his nursery rocking chair.

-*-

They got to get ready together as they usually did in the morning, at least - even if Amy was only getting dressed to drive to the pediatrician and straight back again. She’d already called Holt and explained the situation before Jake handed her a mug of coffee, and Mac had been, at the least, not crying for the last ten minutes while sitting in his playpen in the living room. Maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as last time.

“I can pick up whatever the doc prescribes on my lunch break.” Jake smiled at her, ruefully, and she considered telling him again that it was okay, that she could do it - but something told her to keep her options of at least a few minutes not alone with a sick toddler open.

She desperately needed that option when lunchtime came around.

Doctor Maurice had quickly confirmed their suspicions and told her that there wasn’t much more they could do than wait it out, keep an eye on his fever and medicate with ibuprofen and warm compresses. Not that any of that had helped. When Mac wasn’t crying, he was screaming, and when he wasn’t screaming, he wanted to be close to her, but he couldn’t lie down without the pain getting worse, so simply plonking down on the couch with him was out of the question. She’d let him breastfeed far more than had been their norm now that he was slowly getting weaned, because it seemed to give him some relief at least, as well as quieting him for a blissful moment. But then the infection had travelled to his stomach as well, the same way it had last time, and he staunchly refused any and all food or milk. She’d seriously started considering foregoing the diapers completely and just letting him play in the empty bathtub so she could rinse him off from time to time, because five dirty diapers in under twenty minutes had to be some sort of new record.

So when Jake texted her he was on his way, with a picture of another box of ibuprofen and that herbal steam-bath mix that had helped last time, she sent a silent thank you prayer to anyone who wanted to listen. And she mumbled a not quite as silent thank you against Jake’s lips before he could even get his shoes off at the door.

“I got you one of the good bagel sandwiches for lunch, too.” He said as he hugged her and combed through her messy hair.

“I love you so much.” She hadn’t even realised that the only thing in her stomach so far was still the cup of coffee he’d made her this morning.

He grinned as he put the deli paper bag on the kitchen counter and went over to Mac’s playpen, to say hello to a currently only softly whining toddler smacking an innocent teddy against a pile of soft fabric blocks. Amy followed to wrap her arms around his waist from behind and rest her head against his back, taking in a few deep breaths of Jake, of something that didn’t smell of diarrhea, moist compresses, milk-hiccups and spit up.

“Also Holt gave me an hour for lunch, so if you want to take a nap or something-”

“God.” Amy groaned with pure happiness as Jake turned around in her embrace. “Marry me, Mr. Perfect.”

“Any place, any time, babe.” He kissed the crown of her head while returning her hug, sniffing her hair with a chuckle. “But maybe a shower first before the big day.”

“Rude.” Amy mumbled with her face pressed against his chest. “I rescind the proposal.”

His chuckle turned into a laugh at that, and he slowly unraveled her arms around him. “Nap first, then shower, how’s that sound? Then a bagel. I’ll give Mac his lunch.”

“Good luck with that.” She sighed before giving him another quick kiss and making a beeline for the bedroom.

-*-

She’d hopped straight from bed into the bathroom later, relishing in the feeling of the hot water washing away any aches left over after that much needed nap. Alas, when she stepped out of the oh-so-peaceful bathroom, she was met with a wall of sound.

Mac was wailing, hard, as Jake swayed him back and forth, holding another warm compress against his little ear, and trying to make soothing noises despite the shrill screams of No and MAMA! straight into his face.

“Shsshhshsh, hey, it’s okay, bud, it’s okay. I know you don’t like me much at the moment, but it’s gonna be okay, and mom is coming back soon-”

He stopped as he noticed her stepping into the room, giving her an apologetic smile as she took Mac from him. The wailing turned into regular crying at least, albeit still loud.

“I’m sorry babe - did he wake you up? He won’t eat either.”

“I set an alarm, actually. So you won’t be back late.” Amy sat down on the couch and pulled up her shirt (freshly changed after the shower, and god had that felt good as well). Mac latched onto her breast almost immediately, and a wonderful quiet settled across the room, only his little snuffling and suckling noises breaking through.

Jake’s face was unreadable before he turned towards the kitchen to plate her bagel, but that stoic, almost empty expression told her enough anyway. She grabbed his wrist as he set the plate down on the couch table, pulled softly until he sat down next to her, running her fingers through his hair again to comfort him.

“You know it’s not true, right?”

“Hm?” Jake looked up at her after watching Mac, who finally seemed to calm down completely in her arm, with a vacant look in his eyes.

“It’s not true that he doesn’t like you. He loves you just as much as me. It’s just a difficult phase.”

“I know that.” Jake’s attempt at a smile was still sad enough, and she wiped across the corner of it with the soft tip of her thumb.

“And I love you too. So much.”

“I know that.” And this new smile seemed to turn out right, at least. “You wanna re-marry me, after all.” He teased as he leant his head against her shoulder, looking down at Mac again with a much less forlorn expression.

“Hey, I rescinded that proposal!” She quipped back, falling into their usual banter easily now that she was rested enough and sure that Jake felt better as well. “But I might consider re-re-proposing again if you promise to pick up Polish for dinner.”

“I knew you only wanted me for all the free food delivery.”

“I also need you for other things.” Amy said as she sat up a bit straighter to finish Mac’s feeding, Jake’s head lifting off of her shoulder with the movement. “Like burping your kid. I really don’t want spit-up down this fresh shirt.”

“Aye aye, Sergeant.” Jake joked, already scrabbling for the burp cloth thrown over the armchair next to them and taking Mac out of her arms.

She watched him as he expertly settled the little, squirming bundle against his chest, the swaying and patting motion almost second nature by now, ducking his head down for a quick sniff of that perfect toddler hair scent. He’d have to leave for the precinct soon enough, and she certainly wasn’t looking forward to the rest of the afternoon probably being a reprise of her entire morning, and she didn’t even want to think about the night or next day to come.

Life with a toddler was unpredictable. Almost nothing was in her control anymore. But, as she’d learned over the years, as long as she was with the right people, she could handle anything. And Jake Peralta proved, again and again, that he was the right person for her.

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Fire & Desire (Ethan x MC)

Warning: NSFW, 18+

Summary: After the funeral, Naomi heads to Ethan’s apartment for comfort. Let’s pretend that 30 diamond scene in chapter 12 didn’t happen, okay? I made up 95% of this.

A/N: Guys, I have an embarrassing amount of rewrites/drafts of this on my computer. Pls enjoy.

~v~

In order to survive the past few days, Naomi has made it her mission to get through things one step at a time. Her first goal was to survive the toxin. She did. Then it was to just get well and be discharged from the hospital. The last step was to make it through Danny and Bobby’s joint memorial service in one piece. Not only did she do that, but she delivered a eulogy flawlessly, while her friends and colleagues all fell apart at the seams and waited for her to do the same.

But now that it’s all over, now that there’s no goal to work towards especially since Naveen won’t let her back in the hospital without clearance from a therapist, Naomi has never felt more lost or out of sorts in her life.

After the memorial, Naomi went home with her roommates and she regrets it. Jackie and Elijah can barely look at her without giving her pity glances, Sienna has been trying to feed her nonstop, and Aurora has convinced them all that she’s spiraling due to her meltdown at Ethan earlier that day. So she hid in her bedroom, pretending to be asleep simply because she was tired of them.

But sleep evades her. Outside of a quick 15 minute power nap, Naomi hasn’t been able to sleep, thoughts of being back in that hospital room never too far from her mind. Every time she closed her eyes, the fear took over, gripping her and refusing to let go.

So that’s how she ended up here, in Ethan’s apartment, on his couch, nursing a glass of scotch. Being at home wasn’t an option and there’s no one else she’d rather be with, so as soon as her roommates went to bed, Naomi slipped out and made her way across town to Ethan’s place. Ethan was shocked when he found her outside of his apartment at midnight, especially with the way their last conversation ended. He wanted to scold her for taking an Uber so late at night by herself, but of course he didn’t turn her away. 

“Are you hungry?” Ethan asks, opening and closing his refrigerator a few times, as if that will make food magically appear. “I didn’t cook today, but I can probably throw something together.”

Naomi doesn’t know if her appetite still hasn’t returned or if it’s her mind playing tricks on her, as she can still taste the vomit in her mouth at the mere mention of food. “No, I’m fine for now.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay.” Ethan wants to ask questions because she’s obviously come here for a reason, but he doesn’t want to push her. “It’s late and you must be exhausted though.” He walks back to his living room and holds out a hand, which Naomi grabs. He ushers her to his bedroom. “You can sleep in here.”

His room still looks like she remembers. The king sized bed takes up most of the space, and he still has the most amazing view in all of Boston. The night is still young and bustling, the buildings all lit up.

“You’re sleeping in here too, right?” Naomi asks.

“I was going to take the guest room, or the couch.”

Naomi shakes her head. “Nonsense, you’re sleeping with me.”

Even though there’s no light other than moonlight spilling into the room, Naomi can still see his cheeks tinge pink. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“I think after our night together in the hospital, assuming will be safe. It’s cute, but we’re grown and you won’t offend my virtue.”

“Noted.” Naomi watches him as he moves around the room, a sort of anxious energy radiating off of him. He rummages through a drawer until he finds something suitable for her to put on. “Here you go.”

It’s a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt from a charity 5k because of course Ethan is the type to participate in something like that. Naomi rids herself of the jeans and sweater she haphazardly threw on in her rush to leave her apartment and slips on the t-shirt, forgoing the pants. Their obvious size differences make the shirt look comically large on her like a nightgown.

“Fair warning, I don’t have a scrunchie or anything to wrap my hair in, so I apologize if you wake up to like...a lion’s mane of hair in your face.”

“I think I’ll survive.”

Naomi pulls back the covers and slides into the bed, moaning upon contact. Oh, to be rich and have fancy high thread-count sheets and a memory foam mattress. “God, I never want to leave this bed.”

“Keep making noises like that, and I won’t let you.” He doesn’t climb bed behind her, opting to sit on the edge. “You want to talk?”

“About what?”

“The fact that you’re here right now, instead of your own apartment.”

“Is it not enough to say I wanted to see you?”

Ethan scoffs. Naomi is charming, but she can’t bullshit him. “Sure.”

She doesn’t want to talk about herself. That’s all she’s done for the past 48 hours, and she’s tired of it. It’s selfish.

She manages to turn the tables on Ethan. “You look tired. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t,” Ethan assures her. “I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

“I didn’t have you pegged as an insomniac.”

“We’re doctors, so it goes without saying that we’re all insomniacs.” Ethan sighs. “But to be honest, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep all week.”

“I get it. With the toxin, and Bobby and Danny, and Raf–”

“It’s not them, Naomi, it’s you,” Ethan argues. “I spend all 24 hours of the day with you on my brain, worrying about you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I thought you were going to die in my arms,” Ethan continues. “I tried to stay optimistic for you, but all I could think about was the fact that it could’ve been my last night with you. That night, after you finally fell asleep, I stayed up, analyzing your vitals. The only time I wasn’t looking at you is when I was looking at your chart. And every night since, I lay awake, forcing myself to not contact you.”

Naomi frowns. She’s spent so much time wrapped up in her own head, she didn’t take much time to think about how Ethan was affected as well. She’s sure she’d be a wreck if the situation was reversed, if he was the one fighting an unknown deadly agent. 

She crawls out the sheets and joins Ethan at the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even think–”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me. You’ve been going through enough, I shouldn’t even be burdening you.”

“It’s fine. We shared deathbed confessions, I think I can handle whatever else you throw my way.”

Ethan turns to lock eyes with Naomi, her expression open and earnest. “I meant everything I said in there. I regret putting us on hold, and I’m sorry I wasted so much time.”

Naomi sucks in a deep breath. “Okay. So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m done pretending that I don’t have feelings for you. I’m done trying to hold you at arm’s length. I want you, Naomi.”

“Are you feeling like this because I almost died?”

“No. I mean, sure it was a major wake-up call for me, but I’ve felt this way for a long time. The last time you were here, the night of the softball game, I kissed you, and instead of making my intentions known then and there, I put it off, and that almost cost me everything. I don’t have all the answers, because I’m your boss, and people at hospitals like to gossip, but whatever this is, I want to explore it with you.” 

Naomi doesn’t say anything, her brain and heart trying to process all of this information. Ethan watches her, his heart pounding wildly. Did he seriously miscalculate her feelings for him? Did he pick the most inopportune moment to drop this on her?

“It took you long enough,” Naomi says.

He laughs, his relief evident and he grabs her hand. “Well I appreciate you having the patience of a saint, Rookie.”

“It’s because I am a saint.”

He runs his thumb along the inside of her wrist, tracing a pattern into the warm skin. The steady thump of her pulse is enough to soothe the anxiety that lingers. She’s here. She’s with him. She’s alive.

His other hand grips the back of her neck, forcing her to look him in the eye. Ethan’s gaze sweeps across her face, his 11 years as a doctor having given him a keen eye for detail. There’s her long, dark eyelashes, her full lips, her pronounced cheekbones, her button nose that crinkles whenever she’s smiling and laughing, a sight he hopes to see again soon. He doesn’t know what emotion is more overwhelming: the relief that she’s alive, or the fear that she was that close to dying.

Ethan is all too aware of the fact that he could’ve lost her. That he and Naomi would never share a quiet moment like this ever again. That she’d never know the full extent of his feelings for her, because he’d been too much of a coward to be honest a long time ago. The thought of the hypothetical makes his insides twist uncomfortably. He can’t dwell on it, not while she’s here, looking to him for comfort.

Without thinking further, his lips slowly collide with hers, pulling the younger woman into a kiss. She wastes no time, kissing him back with an unrivaled fervor that borders on desperation, but Ethan isn’t one to complain. He deepens the kiss, his tongue sweeping her mouth until he finds her own.

The kiss sparks something inside of Naomi, a buzz building in the pit of her stomach, so potent and all consuming, it nearly startled her. For the first time in what feels like forever, the rest of the world fades away. It’s just her and Ethan, and this magical little flame between them. So she clings to it, to him, to them, and swings one of her legs over, straddling him. One arm wraps around the back of his neck, one hand tangles in the hair at the nape of his neck as she pulls herself closer. He tastes smoky like the scotch they drank earlier, and she swears the kiss alone is enough to leave her intoxicated.

Desperate for any sort of friction, Naomi rolls her hips into his. She can feel him hardening beneath her, his erection straining through the thin layers of fabric preventing them from being completely bare with each other. Unable to help himself, Ethan breaks the kiss only to let out a low, “Fuck.”

He needs to stop this. Logically, Ethan knows that putting a kibosh in this is the right thing to do. Naomi came to him because she needs a support system, and the last thing he wants to do is take advantage of her trust and manipulate her grief.

“Naomi, stop,” Ethan gently commands, hands gripping her hips in order to keep her still.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“We don’t have to do this tonight,” Ethan says. “Let’s just go to bed.”

“But I don’t want to go to bed.”

“But you should.”

“No. I want this, I want you.”

Her lips are on his jaw, kissing and biting, and it’s becoming harder for him to stay focused. “You’ve had a very long day, it’s been emotionally draining, and I’m sure you’re exhausted–”

“Oh my God, stop!” Naomi exclaims. “I don’t need another person explaining to me what I’m going through or what I’m feeling. Trust me, no one is more aware of my shitty life than I am.” She leans forward resting her forehead against his. “I get it, I’m the one who barely survived an assassination attempt, and I’m going to walk around with that for the rest of my life. For tonight, can I just be a normal girl who wants to fuck her boyfriend, or whatever the hell you are to me? Please?”

Despite the circumstances, his cock twitches almost painfully as soon as the word “boyfriend” leaves her mouth. He’s a grown ass man, he hasn’t used the term since high school, and here he is, ready to dissolve into a puddle of goo. What the hell has Naomi Valentine done to him and who is this mess of a man that she’s replaced him with?

Whatever she’s trying to do won’t work. Pushing aside her grief and trying to avoid the problem with sex isn’t a coping mechanism he’d ever recommend (not that he has any brilliant ones of his own, but still). It’s not going to fix anything in the long run. 

Naomi’s lips brush against his before giving him another teasing kiss before pulling away. “Please,” she whines. “I want you, Ethan.” Ethan has always considered himself to be a staunch man who isn’t easily swayed. Until he met Naomi. How can he be when she’s looking at him with those big doe eyes of hers, weakening his otherwise tough resolve? It may not help her tomorrow, but who is he to deny her reprieve at least right now? Saying no to her has never been a strength Ethan claimed to possess.

Not giving any sort of warning, Ethan grips the oversized shirt she’s wearing and forcefully pulls it up, barely giving her enough time to lift her arms and help with the process. Once the piece of clothing is discarded somewhere on his bedroom floor, Ethan flips their positions, Naomi’s back landing on his mattress with a soft thud.

He sucks in a sharp breath. Ethan considers himself to be a well traveled, well cultured man. He’s seen the Eiffel Tower multiple times, visited the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, driven a Ferrari through the streets of Rome, drank wine while overlooking a Napa vineyard, and more. But none of those even comes close to the sight of Naomi naked in his bed, writhing on top of his sheets, her curly hair splayed out like a crown atop her head. She’s absolutely beautiful, and he’s a goner. He’s always known it, but this moment right here, right now actually seals the deal.

“Why don’t you take a picture?” Naomi asks, jolting Ethan out of his thoughts. He feels her dainty foot running along the soft cotton of his pajama pants before traveling higher, lightly brushing his side.

He catches her foot, his strong hand wrapping around her ankle, and yanks her forward. “I don’t need to take a picture because the real thing is just fine.” Maintaining eye contact, Ethan presses a line of kisses from her ankle to the inside of her knee, smirking as he feels the goosebumps pop up along the trail he’s set. “God, it really doesn’t take much to get you going, huh?”

“Not when it involves you, no,” Naomi replies.

Ethan drops her leg unceremoniously. His hands wander until they’re hooked into the waistband of her lacy underwear, and he pulls them down quickly, deciding not to make a production of it. A hum of approval leaves his throat when he finds her already soaked for him. He runs a finger along her spreading the wetness around before pressing the single digit into her. “I like that answer.”

Her toes curl at the contact and Naomi grips the sheets beneath her. “Oh, fuck.”

“Christ, you’re tight.”

“It’s been a while,” Naomi admits, panting heavily. “The guy I was into ran off to another continent, and put us on ice.”

Ethan can tell by her tone that she’s merely teasing, but his heart still hammers wildly nonetheless. He wasted so much time, and for what? He slides another finger into her, enjoying the moan she gives him in return. “It appears I have some atoning to do, hmm?”

Naomi nods. “A lot of atoning.”

“Very well.” 

She feels him remove his fingers, and nothing makes her head spin more. Lifting herself up by her elbows, Naomi glares down at Ethan. “What are you doing? You can’t just stop!”

“Relax.” Ethan forces Naomi back to her originally flat position. “I think you know better than anyone that I’m going to take good care of you.” She chooses not to respond, because they both know the answer to that is a resounding yes.

He spreads her thighs and Naomi shivers at the gleam in his eyes, positively engraved by the way he looks at her: all lust and hunger. Desperate for Ethan to actually do something, she tilts her hips up, hoping he’ll get the hint.

Ethan chuckles and places an open mouthed kiss on the inside of her thigh. She swears she can feel herself buzzing with anticipation, her insides on fire, and all she wants him to do is just touch her.

When he finally does, she’s shocked she doesn’t combust then and there. Her head tips back and a low groan tumbles from her lips, and her thighs clamp shut so tightly around Ethan’s head, she’d be apologetic if she wasn’t so far gone. Ethan doesn’t skip a beat though, his fingers digging into her thighs and spreading them apart, and then he’s back to his original mission.

Ethan’s tongue glides through her folds with ease, stroking her up and down a few times before closing his mouth around her clit and sucking hard. Her hips fly off the bed and she grinds into him with a reckless abandon she hasn’t felt in a really long time, but Ethan splays a strong hand across her stomach to hold her down, trapping her between him and his bed.

Trying to gain a modicum of power back, Naomi grips a handful of his hair and tugs at it roughly. It’s an action that makes Ethan growl, his mouth vibrating against her.

Her little moans and cries do nothing to help the raging ego Naomi claims he has, instead they only fuel him further. He ups the ante, his two fingers sliding back into her, curling in a come hither motion and pressing repeatedly against the spot that makes her see stars.

He can tell by the vice grip she has on his fingers and the way she’s undulating against him that she’s close. And while he’s content to draw this out for as long as humanly possible, until he’s wrung every little ounce of pleasure from her that he can, Ethan is well aware that the woman occupying his bed doesn’t have that type of patience.

Giving her a bit of reprieve, he takes his mouth off of her, only moving it slightly so he can kiss the soft flesh of her inner thigh.

“God, Ethan.”

“Say my name again, Rookie,” Ethan commands. “I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

Naomi obeys without as much as a second thought. It doesn’t take much to get her to say his name again, the word coming out as a shout in between a broken cry. Ethan smirks, satisfied with his work, and his tongue finds her clit, stroking the tiny bundle a few more times until her orgasm zips through her with the intensity of a lightning strike. Her entire body tenses up as Ethan continues to lap at her, as she rides out the aftershocks.

When she’s finally in control of her senses again, the first thing Naomi notices is how absolutely wrecked Ethan looks, eyes red and glossy, mouth and beard soaked, and she wants to do nothing more than kiss him. So she does, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him back on top of her. She can taste herself on his mouth and it makes her moan.

Impatient, Naomi reaches between their bodies and tugs at the waistband of his pants. Ethan receives the message loud and clear, and he breaks the kiss to strip as quickly as he can. She watches as Ethan flings his shirt across the room and kicks off his pajama bottoms. He isn’t the only one with above average observation skills, and she notices the slight tremble in his hands, the anticipation as intense for him as it is for her. She’d be lying if she said reducing this great and powerful man to nothing more than a shaky mess isn’t a turn on. Once his boxers are gone, Naomi looks him up and down, every part of him still as she remembered.

Her eyes zero in on his erection, painfully hard. She wraps her hand around him, stroking firmly. “My my, doctor, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you like me.”

The other four letter L-word rattles around in his brain, begging to be set free, and with more strength than he thought he had, Ethan manages to keep quiet. He’d never forgive himself for such selfishness if he blurted out he loves her in the middle of sex. Naomi has enough to deal with already without that added layer of complexity.

Ethan’s thoughts are interrupted, a sharp hiss passing through his teeth as he feels her tongue languidly glide across the swollen head of his erection before taking him fully in her mouth.

He doesn’t know what will kill him first: how good it feels, or the fact that she’s staring up at him with those fucking Disney princess eyes again, feigning innocence like she’s unaware of exactly what she does to him.

He allows her to get in one more stroke of her tongue before he grabs a fistful of her hair and pulls her away. One of her eyebrows raises in question. “What’s wrong? I was just getting started.”

He drags them back into bed before answering, “I need to be inside you. You can do whatever you want to me afterwards.”

She grins at the promise of a next time. Whatever she wants? “Don’t threaten me with a good time, Ramsey.”

“It’s not a threat, it’s a promise,” Ethan assures her. 

Naomi feels him, poised at her entrance and she arches backwards, too overly sensitive. Ethan’s hands are back on her hips, holding her in place, and inch by inch, he fills her. They both groan at the sensation, familiar territory but something new entirely. Her hands fly to his back, nails digging into the skin as she’s stretched to maximum capacity, uncaring if she leaves marks.

Ethan is unsure of how long they’ve been like this, but he’s nearly shaking with the restraint it’s taking him to not thrust into her. He drops his head, kissing a line across her collarbone. “Fuck, baby, I need you to let me know when I can move.”

The pet name wasn’t intentional, spilling from Ethan’s lips before he could stop it, but Naomi whimpers regardless. She hooks her legs behind his back, keeping him just as trapped as she is. “Please.”

He moves slowly, partially to give her a chance to adjust to his size, the other reason because he doesn’t want it to be over as quickly as it started. This, being inside of her again, is overwhelming and Ethan can’t believe there was ever a time he thought he could go without.

“You’re incredible,” Ethan compliments.

“Okay, say it again when I’m not in your bed. Like during a team meeting where you’re shooting down my ideas.”

“You are,” Ethan insists.

He thrusts into her again, and Naomi cries out, nails raking at his back. Surely she’s broken skin at this point, but Ethan doesn’t care. He’s never been one for pain in bed, but with Naomi, he’s willing to make an allowance, especially since it leaves way for pleasure. They move in tandem, hips moving against each other, both trying to coax out the release that’s been building. Unable to do much of anything else, Ethan leans forward, kissing Naomi again. She meets him halfway, just as eager as he is.

Eventually she has to break the kiss, and she gasps in a large breath of air, her lungs constricting tightly in her rib cage. In her distracted moment, Ethan manages to free himself of her hands marking him relentlessly, and he captures both of her wrists in one fell swoop. He holds them above her head in one hand, pressing her as deep into the mattress as possible. The new angle catches her by surprise and she can’t do anything but gasp into the air above her.

“Please.” She doesn’t even know what she’s pleading for at this point, but it’s the only word her brain can comprehend so she chants it repeatedly like a prayer until she’s shattering around him, mouth open, head tipped back, skin flush and warm. She’s perfect like this, Ethan surmises. 

It doesn’t take him more than a few more thrusts before Ethan’s own release takes control and he falls forward, leaning some of his weight onto Naomi. He doesn’t trust himself to not say or do something completely stupid, so he buries his face in the crook of her neck, biting down on the sensitive flesh.

It could’ve been mere minutes that they spent in that position, or it could’ve been hours for all Naomi knows, but when Ethan finally pulls out, he’s kissing her all over: her cheeks, her nose, her forehead.

He wraps her in a solid embrace, arms circling around her and holding her close, their erratic heart rates trying to slow down. Ethan feels at peace doing just this, holding her close to him, feeling the rise and fall of her chest.

Do you feel any better?”

That isn’t a question Naomi expects to hear right after sex, and it causes her to pause.  After a few more moments of silence, she answers, “I mean, the endorphin release was great if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It’s not what I’m asking, and you know it.”

Naomi knew going into it that the sex wasn’t going to soothe all of her hurts and be the magical solution to her problems, so she doesn’t need some major “I-told-you-so” moment from him. But for the first time in almost a week, she feels like herself again. Within the confines of these four walls, Ethan didn’t treat her like some fragile little doll, and her mind was able to take a break from overthinking.

“It was nice to turn my brain off, if only for a short time,” Naomi replies. “It was nice to not be a captive to my trauma.”

Ethan’s fingers gently graze her scalp, massaging. “Do you think you’re ready to talk to me now?”

“No.”

She’s as stubborn as ever. “Fair enough. But if we were to talk about it, I would say that you went through something horrible and traumatic, and you have to allow yourself to actually feel and process whatever emotions you have. I’d also say that you are incredibly strong, but your strength doesn’t mean that you have to bottle everything inside in order to make everyone around you feel better, especially when you’re with me. Strong people have the right to be vulnerable too.” Ethan sighs. “But since we aren’t talking about it, I’m not going to say any of those things.”

Naomi curls in closer to Ethan, comforted by his body warmth. “I think I would really enjoy hearing those things if this was a conversation we were having.”

“Good. Now whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be prepared.”

“Thank you.”

“I think it’s what good boyfriends do. Or whatever the hell I am to you. That’s what you said, right?”

“Okay, I have an explanation for getting agitated about the technical definition of our relationship.”

“Oh yeah? I’d love to hear it.”

“I was impatient and horny.”

Ethan laughs, the warm and rich sound curling around her insides. It does more to help than she’ll ever be able to convey to him. “You’re also very honest.”

“To a fault at times, yes.”

A silence settled between them again, and Naomi feels her eyelids getting heavier. Maybe she’ll be able to finally get some real sleep, not the fitful unconsciousness she’s been subjected to for the past few days.

“Thank you for indulging me tonight,” Naomi says. 

He’s going to suggest she talk to a therapist. He’s going to say it multiple times, until he’s blue in the face and she’s tired of listening. But he'll leave her alone for tonight.

“You’re welcome. Now, get some sleep. The sooner you get to bed, the sooner we wake up, and I can cook breakfast for you.”

“Mhmm, sounds like a plan, Ramsey.”

Ethan can feel her falling asleep on him. He presses a kiss into her forehead. “Naomi?”

“Hmm?”

“For the record, I am definitely your boyfriend.”

~v~

tags: @maurine07 @aka-calliope @edgiestwinter @soft-for-drake @greenbean-kylie @akshara16 @mrsramseyy @honeyandsunfl0wers @blossomanarchy @takemyopenheart @fanmantrashcan @whatchique @ao719 @x-kyne-x @colourmeshy @paulfwesley @writinghereandthere @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramsey @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @trappedinfandoms @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @thatysn @bellcat2010 @theeccentricbibliophile @cecilecontrera @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @caseyvalentineramsey @desmaranj @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartsx @ruinedbypixels @mvalentine @nooruleman @rookie-ramsey

[bagelbright-tok]

"Hello! I want to request some Headcanons or Scenarios of Jotaro how he will react being shrunked mysteriously in the size of an action figure in his home one morning and Female Reader is his best friend tries hard to help him and make him feel comfortable but she gets stressed and feels that her efforts are not enough and she hides it but Jotaro sees through the fakery and comforts that everything is fine and no need to push herself. The idea takes place after Part 3 and Jotaro is in college."

(Y/N); Your name:: (E/C); Eye color:: (H/C); Hair color:: (S/T); Skin tone. Underlined is; Text message. Italics are; Other languages spoken. Bold are; Thoughts in the mind. *** is; Time skip. --- is; Different POV Word Count: 2368

Warning(s): Description of anxiety and stress. Described feelings of failure. Comfort. Mentions of Trauma.

___

Don't Be Such a Doll.

Jotaro x female!Reader

Platonic/Friend relationship ______________________

Jotaro's alarm clock blinked 3:28 AM. His eyes blinked tiredly with the clock. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. If he stayed up for this school report again, it'd be his 3rd day in a row without sleep. Jotaro sighed, closing his books and returning them to his bag and bookshelves. He grabbed his phone to check what he had missed while working. A message. From you. Someone he had learned to trust after moving to America for school. You were assigned to assist him with whatever he struggled with. After some years, a friendship had grown, a bond of trust. (Y/N): "Hey! I'm coming over to visit you tomorrow. The weekend is finally here, and I have something for you!" - 10:03 PM (Y/N): "Be sure to get some sleep too. I don't wanna get there and find you passed out or super tired." - 10:05 PM No one could hear the tone through a message. And yet, somehow, Jotaro felt the demanding voice of yours in his ears as he read the 2nd message. He planned on sleeping before seeing your message, but now he felt a sense of not wanting to do that anymore, only because you asked. He furrowed his brows and walked to his bed anyways.  His coat was thrown off onto his hanger, he slipped out of his shoes, and he tossed his hat onto his nightstand. Then he threw himself into his bed, putting his phone next to his hat on the nightstand. Sighing one last time, he closed his eyes, and fell asleep almost instantly. *** --- You'd awaken at 8 in the morning, happily getting up and getting dressed in casual attire. You walked into your bathroom, brushing through your long (h/c) hair, brushing your teeth, and washing your (s/t) skin. After pulling your hair into a ponytail, you checked your phone.

Your messages had been left on "Read," by Jotaro, at almost 3:30 in the morning. You sigh. "I hope he at least went to bed after that." You think to yourself, almost disappointed.

You walked into your kitchen, grabbing a small snack to eat, grabbing your gift for Jotaro, and grabbing your bag and keys. You opened your door, walked out, and shut the door behind you. Getting into your car, your destination set on Jotaro's place, you sent one final message to him. "On my way!" -9: 50 AM. --- Jotaro dryly opened his eyes, blinking a few times to refocus his vision, and to get most of the eye gunk out. Groaning, he sat up, feeling completely sore and having his entire body hurting. He rubbed his eyes, not necessarily caring that he was sore. He looked at his alarm clock on his desk. 9:00 AM. He took the time, and then noticed the size of everything. His alarm clock looked farther and bigger. His desk was humongous. The nightstand with his hat and phone all looked giant.  "What the Hell?" He whispered aloud.

Looking around some more, everything around him was huge. Or… He looked down at himself. He was small. He had shrunken down to around 8 inches (20 CM). He was definitely awake now. He frantically got up, standing on his feet, on his bed, looking around his room for the potential enemy that had done this to him. He was still traumatized by the events that had taken place in 1988, and expected this to be an enemy attack. No one came out, though.

"Come out now!" Jotaro yelled, hoping this would scare them out. He summoned Star Platinum, expecting it to be the same size as him, but it was still as large as ever. Jotaro waited 5 minutes. Nothing. There was no one in his home, or at least, in his room. Still on high alert, he managed to slide down his bed using the blankets onto the floor. The only way he was able to get around his home was using Star to open doors and turn on lights. Doing this, Jotaro spent almost an hour searching his house. Still no one but himself and the occasional dust bunnies. Now it was confusing. If it had been an enemy, why would they attack him at his most vulnerable, and just leave, leaving him even more vulnerable. Hearing his phone go off, he left his living area back to his room. His guard was slightly lowered, but still high, still expecting someone to come out and attack him. He climbed back onto his bed, grabbing the blankets and using them as ropes. Onto his bed, he went and hopped onto his nightstand. Jotaro managed to turn his phone on and put in his pin by himself while Star stood guard. The notification was a message from you. (Y/N): "On my way!" -9:50 AM. Sent just a minute ago. Meaning you'd be there within 5-10 minutes, depending on the severity of traffic. Jotaro pondered what your reaction would be. You sort of knew about Stands, but you weren't a Stand user. Jotaro had somewhat talked to you about them, explaining what his did and what his Grandfather's Stand did. He'd even displayed his Stand's strength to you one day when while you two were out walking, a perv had tried to grope you. Jotaro nor Star took it kindly, and pummeled the drugged perv into his place in Hell. Seeing as there appeared to be no enemies in his house, he waited for you. He was a bit disappointed that you would have to see him hatless, shoeless, and coatless, but the most important thing was getting him unshrunk. *** --- 10 minutes passed and you finally arrived, parking nearby, you walked up to his door, knocking, and ringing the doorbell. You wait patiently, knowing he was up by then and that he heard your knock. If he wasn't awake, then he was now. A minute had passed. If you didn't know any better, you'd say you were getting impatient. You didn't knock or ring again. You waited. You knew Jotaro hated it when people were impatient, especially when only a minute had gone by. Right on time, the door swung open. But-- You look around, not stepping in.  "Jotaro?" He wasn't at the door. "Is he pulling a prank, or joking around? No, that would be too out of character." “Oi! Down here!" You can barely hear his hollering. Following the voice your head automatically looks down at the floor. Down at Jotaro. "..." "..." "What the Hell?!" You burst out, shocked, surprised, kind of scared. "Jotaro?!' "Good grief. Quiet down will you?" Jotaro asked, more demanding, of you with his usual tone. "Come on in. Maybe you can help with my situation." You just nodded along, walking in as Jotaro hopped to the side of the door. You entered, shutting the door thinking that Jotaro wouldn't be able to reach again. Still shocked, you slowly head into his kitchen and set his gift on the counter, and your bag onto the small table that was in his "dining room". You walked back on over to the small Jotaro that stood below you. "Jotaro…?" You say, almost questionably. "What--? How--? Why--? I don't--" You didn't know what to ask first. You took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Trying to calm down, you smiled nervously, and bent down to look at him better. "Is this some fever dream I'm having?" "No." Jotaro bluntly and quickly answered. "As much as I wish it was, it isn't. I woke up like this, and I don't know how or why." "Uhm-- okay okay." You closed your eyes for a couple of seconds. "Oh! Those Stand things you mentioned before. They have abilities right? Maybe someone did this to you..?"

"I thought so too, but if they did it maliciously they would've attacked me while I slept or at least when I had woken up." Jotaro pointed out. "This has to be a Stand attack, but I'm not sure of the reasoning behind it."

"Good point.. I guess." You state, confused. "What can I uh-- What can I help with?"

"Research. Maybe there are others in the area that have gone through something similar." Jotaro stated, beginning to walk into his office room. "Whether articles directly say it, or they are labelled as 'missing.' “ "Alrighty then." You stand up and follow Jotaro slowly. *** You'd acquired his laptop and began charging it for use. You got things around the room for Jotaro that were out of his range. You helped him into higher areas that he needed to reach. It was all still super bizarre. You were still expecting to wake up any second. Only 45 minutes passed, and this wasn't how you expected to use your time. Nothing was coming up. And now you two were contemplating going out and searching for any suspicious figures. *** 20 minutes. Now you two were out and on foot. Jotaro hung out in your bag and you walked around to wherever he asked. Just normal people going about their normal days. However normal is in Florida, that is.  "Take a left." Jotaro said, peering out of your bag. 

You take a left. This continued, you just followed the words Jotaro spoke. *** 30 minutes passed. Your anxiety and stress built up. The horrible feeling of a weight in your chest. The thoughts that ran through your mind. Your amped up heart rate. You felt a bit useless. Just carrying him around, unable to assist in finding the enemy. You couldn't see Stands, and so it was only Jotaro's eyes that had to scan everywhere. You got weird looks from people whenever you tried to talk to Jotaro. So at this point, you had just decided to remain silent, making small noises whenever Jotaro asked you to go somewhere. You decided that to help in any way you could, you wouldn't bring up needing to stop for a break, or mention just giving up. It would be for Jotaro to decide when to do that. But even at this point, Jotaro was starting to give up. Not that he felt at this point that it was useless, but the energies you radiated were definitely felt by him. The anxiety filled noises, the stressed gulps you took nervously. It was obvious.  "Oi, (Y/N). Are you okay?" Jotaro asked. "Yeah of course." You respond, trying to sound happy. "Are you okay? Isn't it a bit uncomfortable to be small and in my bag?"

"I'm fine." Jotaro stated, more convincing than you had said. *** 25 minutes. The weight in your chest grew heavier. The dread you felt when you thought about the odds of Jotaro remaining this size. It was already about to be the afternoon, and there had been no luck whatsoever. Your feet were burning and your legs were hurting. You grew hungry, tired, and a bit thirsty. You didn't want to mention anything, though. You were already just as useful as a piece of broken glass on the floor. The frown on your face proved even more to Jotaro that something was wrong. "You are not okay, (Y/N)." "Huh? What?" You were taken aback "What do you mean? Of course I--" "Don't."Jotaro stopped you. "What's bothering you?" "..." You remained silent for a moment, still walking around aimlessly. "I guess. I feel a bit useless right now. Suddenly I'm super stressed and anxious. I feel like if we don't find whoever did this to you, it's my fault." You explain quietly. "I can't see 'Stands.' I can't really help other than just walking where you want. I'm sorry for being pretty useless." You lightly chuckle at the end. "Sorry for getting all cheesy too." Jotaro remained quiet for a moment. He didn't really know how to process it. Not many, if any, actually went to him and let their feelings out to him. "Good grief…" He whispered to himself. "(Y/N), don't be like that. You are helping the best you can, and that's what matters." His tone wasn't comforting, it remained monotone. His words were comforting, though. "Really?" You ask, just wanting confirmation. "Sure."Jotaro couldn't bring himself to give a straight "yes." "Jo-"You were interrupted by Jotaro. "Oi! Over there! Straight ahead!" He yelled, pointing at a strange looking man who was already attempting to flee. Hesitating for about a second, you booked it running after the strange man. You pushed past the small crowds of people in the streets, and gained on the man. He seemed out of shape, and would die if he continued to run for another 5 minutes. Once he was 5ft away, Jotaro summoned Star, and used it to slam the man down. The crowds had died down in this area, and so there were only about 1-2 people outside watching. "Bastard!" You yell, as intimidating as you could. You slowed to a halt beside the man who was disoriented. "You're the one who shrunk Jotaro aren't you?" "Huh--? What? No! I don't know--"The man tried to play dumb, but was obviously nervous and had already shown himself as guilty when he had started running. "Y-You aren't even a Stand user! You can't do anything!" You realised that the man didn't know that Jotaro was with you. "You wanna bet, bub?" You snarl. Jotaro read your mind, and summoned Star right behind you. The shadow cast over Star made him all the more frightening. The man yelped. "Ah-! O-Okay! I'm sorry! I'll make him normal again!" He squealed, terrified. At that, Jotaro hopped out of your bag, and was almost immediately reverted back to his tall self. You smiled mischievously at how easily the enemy had been intimidated by you and Jotaro's Stand. "H-Hang on! That wasn't your Stand! That was--"The man stupidly connected the dots. But he was interrupted when Jotaro had used Star to grab the man and begin to pummel him. You couldn't see the magnificence that was Star, but you could see the show that he gave. You didn't have a magnificent Stand to show off to Jotaro, but he could still see the true friend within you. ________ E N D A/N: Apologies for any errors. I wrote this all down, pasted it into here, formatted it, and posted it. No look overs for spellings mistakes or grammatical errors.

[shaalk]

Stages of life- Chapter 1

Type: Chaptered

Characters: Sehun x Reader

Genre: Exes to lovers, Smut, Fluff, Romance, Angst

Warnings: None

Status: Completed

Summary: Being with Sehun is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There are so many ups and downs, but as someone who enjoys thrill, I love every moment with him.

Words: 3029

Tags: @riajae​ @smolpeyy​ @sheebaba​ @meryljill-111192​ @j-pping​ @ohsehunxv​ @tansyfleurwhisper​ @vad-hander​ @rexo91

Mini masterlist | Chapter 2

“Yo, do you mind if some of my friends crash at our place?” Junmyeon shouts, trying to talk over the music and conversations happening at the club. 

I really want to reject him. After all, it is a Saturday night and I am already in my comfortable clothes, ready to curl up on the sofa to binge watch a drama. But since I have requested this of Junmyeon, my housemate, several times before, it is only fair that I let him do as such too. 

I sigh and grunt in agreement. 

“Great! We’ll be back in about 10 minutes, we’re just getting into my friend’s car,” I hear as the line clicks.

I glance down at my clothes and then at the apartment. Both are a mess. It wouldn’t be nice for me to greet Junmyeon’s guests in my tank top and booty shorts. 

Immediately, I go to change into something a way less revealing and then start cleaning up the place.

Since Junmyeon and I are busy with our careers, we don’t really have time to clean our apartment often. Whatever free time we have, we spend either lazing around the apartment or meeting our friends. This explains why there are take-out boxes everywhere, dishes piled up in the sink and clothes strewn throughout the living room.

I know I can’t make the apartment spick and span in the 8 minutes I have left but I try my best. I shove all the left-over food into the fridge, throw out all the empty take-out boxes, place the dirty dishes into the dish washer that we still don’t even know how to operate despite living in our apartment for almost two years, and dump our clothes in our respective closets. 

Folding the clothes were a job for another day, as long as they were out of sight for now.

Thankfully, I manage to make the apartment look presentable in the short amount time I had because just as I shut my wardrobe, I hear the sound of the front door being opened and laughter echoing throughout the once tranquil apartment. 

Not wanting to be rude, I walk out to meet Junmyeon and his friends.

“Hey oppa,” I greet as Junmyeon ruffles my hair. 

I slap his hands away and glare at him in displeasure to which he just guffaws. He knows I hate it when he does that but he continues doing it all the time anyway because he says that I look adorable whenever I am annoyed.

Junmyeon then introduces me to his friends who are watching us with amusement. 

“This is Yixing, that’s Kyungsoo and the one that looks like Yoda is Chanyeol.” 

I snicker when the last guy throws something at Junmyeon, clearly pissed that he was called by his apt nickname in front of a stranger. Unfortunately, the item misses the target by a bit and Junmyeon starts making faces at his friend. 

I shake my head at how childish my housemate is being even though he’s almost 30 years old.

“There’s one more friend who’s parking his car. I’ll introduce you to him when he comes up.” 

I nod and greet his friends shyly, not used to having so much attention on me.

Junmyeon probably senses my discomfort because within the next second, he ushers his friends into the living room while I head into the kitchen to get them some refreshments.

As I am making my way out of the kitchen with a tray consisting of glasses of water and some snacks, the doorbell rings again, signalling the arrival of Junmyeon’s last friend. 

Even though I am the closest to the door, my hands are full, so Junmyeon rushes to open the door in my stead.

“Parking was such a bitch!” I hear as the door slams shut. 

Junmyeon pulls his friend into the living room where the rest of them have already started watching a movie.

“So this is my friend who was parking his car, he’s..” 

Before Junmyeon can even finish introducing me to his friend, I drop the tray I am holding in shock. Thankfully I have already set down everything that was on it or else there would have been a huge mess!

After the crashing of the tray, the only sounds resonating throughout the apartment are the voices coming from the TV. 

“Sehun?” I whisper shakily, not believing that this male is standing right in front of my eyes. 

I guess I am not the only one who is taken aback because I can recognise the shock painted across Sehun’s features as well.

“You two know each other?” I vaguely comprehend Junmyeon asking. 

But I can’t concentrate on that question, not when I am staring right into the eyes of the man I have been trying to avoid for the past 4 years.

——————————————————————

I sigh in frustration and thrash on my bed, irritated that I still haven’t fallen asleep yet even though it is already 3am. 

Out of all the guys in the world, how could Junmyeon be friends with Oh Sehun? I guess the saying is right, it really is a small world.

After the tray dropping incident, I didn’t bother answering Junmyeon’s question. Unable to take the intensity of 4 confused looks and 1 surprised look on me, I shuffle to my bedroom speedily after mumbling a quick good night.

That was almost 4 hours ago, and I hadn’t stepped out of my room after that. 

But now, that is about to change because I really have to pee and the only toilet in the apartment is connected to the kitchen. 

I clearly heard Junmyeon’s bedroom door close earlier meaning he has already gone to bed. I try to listen through my door for any noises coming from the living room but there is only complete silence.

Assuming that Junmyeon’s friends are all asleep as well, I slowly twist my door knob and pull it open slightly. I peek out to confirm that my assumption is right, Junmyeon’s friends really are fast asleep.

Doing a mini but silent cheer, I stealthily escape the confines of my bedroom and jog to the toilet. As soon as I plop down onto the toilet bowl, I sigh in relief. I have been trying to control myself for so long.

After finishing my business, I make my way back to my room quietly. As I pass the living room, I notice that only three of Junmyeon’s friends are sleeping there.

Yixing and Kyungsoo are spread across the L-shaped couch with a thick and fluffy blanket over them. On the other hand, Sehun is uncomfortably sleeping on the tiny single seater sofa. His arms and legs are crossed while he is seated upright. His head is hanging off the back of the chair and he doesn’t even have a blanket over him because Junmyeon and I only have one spare.

Worried that he might catch a cold since it is in the middle of autumn, I tiptoe towards Sehun to wake him up. I tap him on the arm gently to find that his body is slightly cold to the touch already.

Shit, he's gonna get sick if he doesn't move to a warmer environment.

“Sehun,” I whisper as discreetly as I can while I nudge him shoulder. 

Sehun was a heavy sleeper in the past but thankfully, his eyes bolt open without me having to raise my voice. I wouldn’t want the other two boys to wake up. 

The male faces me with furrowed brows, probably displeased that his sleep was interrupted. He then rubs his eyes to wake himself up a little. I’m sure he isn’t trying to look cute at all but he absolutely does.

Geez, keep it in your pants girl!

I tug at his arm lightly. 

“Let’s go to my room, i’m worried you might get sick,” I mumble again, not wanting to cause a ruckus in the middle of the night. 

He nods like a child and follows behind me like a puppy.

I manage to get us back into the confines of my room silently. Sehun just stands in front of my bed listlessly, staring into space since he is still hazy with sleep. 

Seeing as he is so out of it, I push him towards my bed and tuck him under the covers once he is comfortably laid down. I then make my way to the empty side of the bed and prepare to go to sleep too.

“You sure you’re ok with this?” His deep voice slurs suddenly.

I don’t even take a moment to think. 

“Of course. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before anyway,” I reply and turn to face away from Sehun, ready to head off to dreamland.

I can sense that Sehun still has something left to say but I stop him before he can open his mouth. 

“We’ll talk in the morning, I promise.” 

I feel the mattress bounce as Sehun tries to get into a more cosy position before I hear his breathing even out. Soon after, I fall asleep too.

——————————————————————

It is in the middle of autumn which means that it is supposed to be quite cold. I have not turn on the heater in my room and I can’t feel the blanket over me so I am not sure why i’m feeling so warm.

I lazily open my eyes to reach for the fan switch but am not greeted with the view of my room. Instead, I only see pale skin. 

My nose is pressed against the base of Sehun’s neck. His chin is resting on top of my head while his lips are pressed against my hair. He has an arm over my waist and our legs are in a tangle. 

I don’t know how but I manage to feel myself get warmer. Despite being utterly abashed, I use the opportunity to take a proper look at Sehun.

His eyebrows are in a furrow and his cheeks are puffed out. Unknowingly, he is pouting. He looks so cute in his sleeping state, a stark difference from when he is awake, where he is dashing. 

I catch sight of the little scar on Sehun’s right cheek and as if my hand has a mind of its own, it makes its way up to his face to caress it.

I clearly remember when Sehun first got it. It was our second year of university and we were all required to sign up for extra curricular activities. Being the sports enthusiast, Sehun opted for football and he was immediately picked as the new goalkeeper at the first try-outs due to his amazing skills.

During the finals of the inter-university championships, Sehun dived to save a goal attempt by the opposing team and accidentally got scratched by a sharp plastic item that was on the ground. By deflecting that goal, our school managed to win the match and become the champions of the competition.

Sehun was always insecure about his scar, complaining that it “affected his good-looks” but I could never agree with him. The scar was a result of his passion and victory. If possible, it made him look even more attractive in my eyes.

I am still stroking the scar when Sehun’s eyelids start fluttering. Not wanting to have to deal with the awkward situation that we are literally tangled in, I bring my hand back down to my chest and pretend to be asleep. 

Sehun inhales deeply and I feel his head move away from mine. He is probably trying to gain his bearings in his groggy state. 

Soon though, I feel a burning stare on me and then a light flick against my forehead. 

“Are you gonna stop pretending to be asleep?” I hear him ask teasingly in his sandy morning voice, inducing butterflies in the pits of my stomach.

I frown, embarrassed that I have been caught. Given no other choice, I hesitantly open my eyes only to have Sehun’s face an inch away from mine. I still in shock and jerk backwards, not expecting him to be so close to me. 

We just stare at each other in comfortable silence until Sehun breaks the moment. 

“Its morning already, let’s talk now.” 

I sigh, I guess I brought this upon myself. I really thought he would have forgotten my words since he was half asleep when I made the promise. 

“Why’d you suddenly leave me all those years ago? You didn’t give me a reason or anything. No proper breakup whatsoever. You just left! Why would you do that to me? To us? I loved you and I thought your feelings for me were the same. Was I wrong the whole time? Was I just a toy for you to play around with?”

My heart clenches at the pain I put Sehun through. It is time for me to tell him the truth, he deserves it after I simply ghosted him 4 years ago.

“I’m so sorry for what I did to hurt you 4 years ago Hun-ah. But I swear, it wasn’t because I had other agendas. My feelings for you were genuine and they were since the start. You have to believe me!” I begin. 

Sehun’s hard eyes soften at my confession. He gazes at me patiently, waiting for me to continue with my explanation.

This is when I realise that Sehun isn’t mad at me for what I did to him in the past anymore. Because if he was, he would have directed his anger at me the moment he saw me the night before. He just wants an explanation for my actions. He needs closure.

“Do you remember the end of our 3rd year of uni when our internship postings were released?” 

Sehun nods in acknowledgment.

“Everyone had gotten spots at local companies while you, being the smartypants, you managed to secure a job at one of the most prestigious companies in the world. Do you remember how excited you were when you found out that your dream company had contacted you for an internship?” 

Sehun hums with a mirth of a smile on his pretty lips.

“But then when you found out that you had to move across the world to New York to do the internship, you wanted to reject the offer because you didn’t want to be separated from me. I couldn’t let you do that Sehun, I couldn’t let you give up your dream just for me.” 

I know Sehun wants to chime in but I stop him. I need him to hear the full story first.

“I knew that if I had asked you for a breakup, you wouldn’t have agreed to it. So, I used the most cowardly method to get out of the relationship with you. I ran! And i’m sorry I did that to you but I don’t regret my decision at all since you went for the internship eventually. I really loved you Sehun, I hope you believe me.”

After getting everything off my chest, I realise I have started crying. 

That was a really rough period for both of us. Sure I had intentionally hurt Sehun. If his texts asking me to come back to him after I left weren’t enough evidence, I don’t know what were. But I was hurting too. I wasn’t the same after leaving Sehun. I was never as happy as I was when I was with him. 

Even years after, I still thought about him regularly and about how bad of a girlfriend I was for breaking his heart. I didn’t trust myself to date anybody after him. I couldn’t bear to hurt anyone else.

I dared to lay my eyes on Sehun only to see that he is observing me, unshed tears on his waterline. 

“Would you ever be able to forgive me for all the pain i’ve caused you?” I ask hopefully. 

This isn’t a small request to ask of Sehun and deep down I know it wouldn’t be easy to forgive all the pain and heartbreak I had intentionally caused him. 

And I am right because Sehun shakes his head. 

I am suddenly embarrassed at how hopeful I was but I understand his decision. I nod solemnly and move to climb off the bed when Sehun catches my arm, halting all my movements.

“I’ll forgive you,” I perk up, “but only if you be my girlfriend again.”

The smile is wiped off my face completely. This time, I shake my head. 

“I can’t do that Sehun. What if I hurt you again? I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” 

I can feel hot tears dripping down my face once more.

Unable to watch me cry any longer, Sehun lifts me up with his strong arms and places me on his lap so that I am straddling him. 

“Love, look at me. You’re not going to hurt me again ok? If anything, you’re gonna make me the happiest man alive by being with me.” 

I shake my head profusely, I am not going to let Sehun be with a girl like me again.

“I thought you didn’t want to cause me anymore pain and heartbreak? You’re hurting me now because you’re not accepting me as your boyfriend even though i’m still crazily in love with you,” Sehun guilt trips me as he bounces me on his lap a little, trying to elicit a positive response out of me.

I glare him slightly, upset that he is using my own words to blackmail me. 

Sehun chuckles heartily and pinches my cheek in adoration, something he always did when we were dating. 

“Please come back to me sweetheart,” Sehun pleads once more. 

He sounds so desperate that I can’t help but give in. I huff but nod in the end. I want him to be my boyfriend too anyway.

In his ecstatic state, Sehun suddenly lets out a high pitched squeal. I don’t have time to laugh at the ridiculous sound he made because I am flipped over to lie on my back while my boyfriend hovers over me.

“Thank you baby,” he whispers lovingly before letting his lips meet mine.

A/N: Let me know what you think! Please leave a comment :)

Mini masterlist | Chapter 2

[sd1970x]

Marinette, work in progress - Chapter 1

Read also on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26203645/chapters/63770623

----

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” Simone de Beauvoir

There is almost nothing about Marin Dupain-cheng's life, an aspiring clothes designer, that makes them happy. Certainly not the bullying they keep getting at school.

Marin doesn't even know her true gender identity yet.

Both of these are about to change. But would that be enough for her to fight the demons within? ----

CW - Homophobia

Pronouns note: in the beginning of the fic, as Marin(ette) is very much closeted, I am purposefully using he/him pronouns as these capture the correct perspective feel. Pronouns will change as soon as she realizes who/what she really is.

---

So, this is my first work after almost two years of not producing any new ones. I am planning to explore mental challenges involving the crossing of the gender barrier, the very same ones I am now fighting after discovering my own gender identity, as I was writing it in a Miraculous Ladybug fic.

This work is planned to be about a dozen chapters and around 30-40k words when complete.

Thanks go to: V- for inspiring this fic and for being the amazing and caring person they are. Wonderful beta feedback and copyediting: Skye, MyKeyboardDidIt

(further thanks will be updated as goes! if you helped with beta/ideas just hit me up and i'll add you!)

------------

"Dear, your alarm’s been going off for fifteen minutes! You’re going to be late for your first day of school!”

You say that as if it’s a bad thing. As if I don’t want to be several hours late. Or days.

“Yeah Mom, I’m coming.”

Marin dragged himself out of bed, his form hunched as he made his way to his closet, regarding his clothes with indifference.

I Don’t even like any of them. And I doubt they would solve the real problem here. That I do not like what I see in the mirror.

Myself.

His hand drifted to a random shirt of no particular interest and he casually tossed it over his head. He shuffled over to the bathroom, glancing at himself in the mirror.

Ho-hum. Same old me, isn’t it?

His hair was in its usual mess on top of his head. Foregoing using a brush, he ended up lightly combing through his hair with his fingers until it looked somewhat acceptable.

I guess that’s okay, he thought while shrugging.

As he was brushing his teeth, his eyes strayed to his face. Studying it. Scrutinizing it.

I ought to shave better than this, He thought. His hand reached for the razor, but he stopped short of picking it up.

What even is the point. Either way, trying won’t make any difference.

The image in the mirror appeared to give him a judgemental look, his own blue eyes prying into the inner parts of his soul.

Well, at least these eyes aren’t half as bad. Perhaps they would have been of some use if they had been matched with another person altogether.

He sighed and turned his head away, as if that would be enough to make the thought disappear.

It wasn’t.

The stairway creaked just a bit as he went downstairs to the kitchen where his parents were already toiling about.

“Your need to patch up your shave, my boy,” Tom said. “You want to look good for the ladies, don’t you?”

I’m not into girls, Dad.

Maybe one day I’ll gather the courage to tell you that.

“Well… not really…”

After all, what difference does it make?

“Come now, where’s the spirit? Every girl is different, they can’t all be like Chloe,” Sabine interjected, attempting to be helpful but having just the opposite effect.

“Ugh, Mom, why’d you have to mention her at all?”

Marin frowned as he sat down for breakfast, unable to drive Chloe’s image away from his mind. He took a bite off of his omelette and was struck by the apparent blandness. He set the fork down, sighing quietly to himself.

And there goes my appetite. It’s not the omelette that’s the issue though....

A sip of fresh juice did the trick, the taste too strong to be overridden.

“Cheer up, buddy!” Tom came over. “Take these macarons to school, maybe a tasty start would help lighten up your day!”

“Thanks, Dad, these are awesome.” He said as he picked them up, giving him a half-hearted smile in return.

I appreciate the gesture..., but it feels more like bribing my classmates with these. Guess anything is worth a try at this point.

---

Marin walked into school where everyone was bustling about and chatting with old friends.

Bright banners greeted the students and everything still felt pristine and clean. The corridors even had flower bouquets placed as decorations. Marin took a breath of air, relishing in the floral scent, and proceeded to enter class.

The classroom was freshly painted and even the furniture had been patched with an attention to detail. Marin barely allowed himself a moment of excitement, before despair and weariness took hold again.

It may look different, but looks won’t change anything for people like me. It’ll still be an endless test of mettle against bullying and harassment.

He cautiously went for his seat and observed his classmates.

So there’s Nino, he’s kinda-sorta okay with me. Something I could never say about Kim. Max hasn’t been mean either, but he’s with Kim, so... At least I don’t see her , maybe we’re not in the same—

“What do you think you’re doing?” a loud cry halted his thoughts and confirmed his fears.

Chloe. The nastiest of them all. Here’s to an old-new welcome, a start-over that amounts to absolutely nothing.

“Ugh. Here we go again,” he muttered quietly, hoping Chloe wouldn’t pick it up.

She came over, an accusing look plastered on her face.

“That's my seat.”

“But Chloe, this has always…” he attempted to retort, then quickly backtracked.

“Fine, just… take it. I don’t care.”

“Take it? It’s always been ours.” Sabrina added, bearing the same mocking countenance.

Sabrina helped herself to one of Marin’s macarons uninvited, then made a puking motion.

“Ugh, they are so gross!” she said, even though she was quick to pocket one for her friend as well.

Chloe paid no heed to the macarons as she was already busy teaching Marin the new rules.

“Listen. Adrien's arriving today and the last thing he needs is someone who needs straightening like you giving this class a bad name. Stay away from him, get it?”

Marin tried his best to ignore the obvious insult and focus on the more pressing question.

“Who’s Adrien?”

Both Chloe and Sabrina chuckled, making Marin regret asking.

“Adrien is a famous model. Pretty, rich, glamorous, someone to look up to. Like me. And just like me, he’s everything you’ll never be and everything you’ll never have.” Chloe fawned over her imaginary description as Sabrina took up the task of reprimanding Marin for the question.

“A loser that doesn’t even know who Adrien is, needs to sit as far away from him as possible. You’re enough of an embarrassment to our class as is.”

Marin opened his mouth as if to deny every word, but opted against it.

You’re wrong. One day, I’ll be a famous and successful designer and every single one of you will be sorry for how you treated me. I just have to persist through this. I won’t bite it this time.

He picked up his bag wordlessly and slowly went towards his designated seat.

At least that’s what he planned to do, but the new girl pre-empted him as she grabbed him by the hand and helped him to the seat next to her. Apparently she had overheard the conversation and didn’t plan on letting it slide, at least as far as her expression read as she looked towards one Chloe Bourgeois.

“Hey! Who elected you queen of seats?” She cried out.

“I did. Good luck dethroning me with your pariah friend.” Chloe laughed at her.

It was then that Miss Bustier entered the class, finally putting a timely end to the whole ordeal.

“Has everyone found a seat?” she called.

“Hey. Don’t let her get to you.” The new girl turned towards Marin again.

He nodded.

“If only I could… She makes my life miserable. My only comfort is the thought that I’ll be free once I graduate.”

“I’m Alya, what’s your name?”

“I’m Marin” He replied. “Pleased to meet you.”

“For those of you who don't yet know me,” Miss Bustier called yet again, “I'm Miss Bustier and I'll be your teacher this year.”

At least with the lesson going on, I should be safe from unnecessary trouble.

Marin pulled out his history book, the same one from last year, bearing yet another reminder. "Marin the Gay-boy" scrawled over the cover, courtesy of Kim.

Safe, huh.

“Everything you’ll never be, Everything you’ll never have.”

Like a clean history book.

It was then when the memories came back to life, a flashback from last year.

---

“Who did this?”

Marin looked about, trying to discern any dead giveaways by his classmates. Too many of them seemed to be smiling too mysteriously to be able to get anything out of them.

You need to stand up for yourself! Show them weakness and they’ll hunt you down like prey!

… easier said than done.

He took another good look at his history book. A small red scrawl was now adorning it, not unlike a barb stuck in flesh and equally painful.

“ Marin the Gay-Boy ”.

“Please… tell me who did this.”

Weariness engulfed his voice as it went weak.

I’ll find out who did this! I’ll…

Drip.

Drop.

The book’s hardcover had just won yet another adornment, as Marin’s teardrops started collecting over it.

Marin picked up the book, tucked it by his side and blasted away from class, his legs carrying him as far as he could, a bout of laughter coming from his classmates in his wake.

By the time Nino found him, his tears had mostly dried out.

“I saw it, dude. It was Kim.”

Marin sighed.

“Thanks, Nino. I… there’s nothing I can do about it, now can I?”

Nino nodded.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

---

I may have missed first period and the picking of seats, but I haven’t missed out the first day entirely. I guess luck is somewhat on my side, today.

“Hey there, Adrikins. Here’s your seat, I saved it for you. Right in front of me!”

So, I have that going for me as well!

“Thanks, Chloe, that’s really nice of you!”

As Chloe and her friend Sabrina went to do something else, Adrien found it to be an opportunity to introduce himself to other students around. What caught his attention the most about the nearby student were his orange headphones, seemingly a fixture of his appearance.

“Hey, I’m Adrien, pleased to meet you!” he offered his hand and got answered with a sturdy shake.

“Yo, I’m Nino. So, you’re that guy Chloe mentioned earlier?”

It was at that moment that he caught something happening out of the corner of his eye.

“What’s that all about?” he called towards Chloe and Sabrina, as both were putting gum on one of the seats.

“The brat that sits here needs a reminder of his place in the hierarchy. I'm just commanding a bit of respect, that's all.”

“You think that's really necessary?”

“Ah, you've got a lot to learn about school culture, Adrikins. Watch the master.”

Hardly convinced, Adrien went about trying to remove the gum from that seat, as he heard another male voice.

“Oh. So that’s your method of choice. How original.”

The voice sighed as Chloe and Sabrina laughed.

“Uhhh… I…” Adrien tried to protest, as he turned towards who he presumed was the seat’s owner.

The first thing that struck him about this boy is that he had a good amount of untapped potential. Smooth black hair, bright blue eyes… given proper care, he could look so much nicer, but he was relatively unkempt and his clothes were poorly matched too.

“And to think I imagined this year would be any different. Stupid, stupid, stupid. ” The boy lamented.

“No, no, I was just trying to take this off!” Adrien tried to salvage the situation, but to no avail.

All the while, Chloe and Sabrina continued to laugh.

“I see you’re in cahoots with Chloe. You don’t need to play pretend with me.”

“See?” Chloe said, “Gay-boy here knows his place. As he should.”

Marin just covered the gum with spare tissue paper and sat by Alya.

“There you go. Adrien Agreste, daddy's boy, teen supermodel and Chloe's buddy.” Alya quipped.

“I bet he’s used to not seeing or caring how people beneath his status feel,” Marin muttered.

---

Alya had little interest in the class, but much more interest in her table partner. She quickly learned that Marin wanted to be a famous designer after he graduated. While she wasn’t a professional, the sketches Marin gave her seemed really good. But there was something else to watch for, too. How his face had lit up when he handed her his sketches. For a moment there, he seemed to be another person altogether. His face brightened up as he took at least a hint of pride in his handiwork.

And you should. Not to mention that a smile looks so much better on you than that sad face you had on earlier.

They had a free hour just after class, so Alya was only mildly surprised when Marin caught her hand and pulled her towards somewhere as he ran forward.

“Where are you taking me?” She asked.

“The best place this school has to offer.” he grinned and continued to dash forward.

“I present you… the art club room!” he exclaimed.

It’s as if he’s another person entirely.

Marin waded in, showing Alya all the different areas the art room had to offer.

A wall for street art, mostly cleaned from past works but still bearing color marks of older works. Desks used for writing, pen scratch marks still visible even after having been cleaned for the new year. Drawing stands, also marked by some uncleanable paint blots. Then there was...

“... Here it is. A state of the art sewing machine, My best and only friend in this entire school.” he laughed, but in a moment the smile dropped from his face.

“That… I…”

He sat by, not nearly as happy as before, and pulled a derby hat from the nearby drawer.

“I worked on this last year and haven’t managed to finish it yet.”

Alya picked up the hat and casually caressed the fabric. It felt somewhat sturdy yet comfy.

Marin flicked the machine on and seemed to be mulling his next move. Eventually, he just turned it back off without doing anything.

“We technically shouldn’t be here without a teacher, so let’s go.” His passionless voice took over again.

Alya could see this was nothing but an excuse, but she declined to call it out. Her instincts told her there was no chance on earth Marin wasn’t keen on violating this rule more than once.

“It really is a lovely place.” She tried to brighten up the atmosphere, with mild success.

“And I loved the hat.” She said as she handed it back for Marin to place in the drawer again.

That seemed to work a bit better.

“Wait ‘till it’s complete, then. I’m sure it will suit you well.” Half a smile crept to Marin’s face.

---

Marin bid Alya farewell as he left the classroom and slouched towards the school’s main doors.

He cautiously opened it, only to find rain pouring outside and the sky filled with grey clouds.

A fresh start, huh? The morning’s nice weather is already gone. At least the bleakness isn’t hiding anymore.

He stood by, still sheltered, when he found out another person was standing next to him.

That Adrien guy. And he just noticed me. That’s the last thing I need right now.

“Hey!” Adrien called.

He slowly sidestepped to maintain a safe distance between them and turned his head away, muttering a slight ‘hmph’.

“Hey, listen buddy… I really was trying to remove that gum from your seat.”

Marin turned his head around and looked at Adrien, wide-eyed.

I… I must be dreaming. Did he really just say that?

“S-so… you weren’t…” he tried to piece together his words and found himself unable to do so.

“Of course not. I came here to study, to make friends… I’m not here to harass or insult people, where’s the sense in that?”

He is sincere about it. Somebody that doesn’t see me as the “gay punching bag” everyone else does.

“I didn’t even get your name.”

“It’s… It’s Marin.”

Marin’s heart nearly skipped a beat, one that he was sure Adrien managed to hear even with the rain’s sound muffling it.

And then, there was an inaudible sound he missed.

A cracking sound, as the nearly-impenetrable shell, one that was built layer over layer of self-defence from bullying and mistreatment, sealing off his emotions, gave just a little bit of way.

Adrien let his hand out of the shelter, feeling the raindrops accumulating.

“So, Marin, It’s raining and I’ve got a ride, need an umbrella?”

He nodded ever so slightly and Adrien pulled out a black umbrella. A click and a whoosh and it was now open, handed for him to take.

Marin cautiously reached out for the umbrella Adrien handed him, his hand shaking and trembling.

That’s… so nice… so… so unlike…

No sooner than he had picked it up though, his hand slipped and triggered the activation switch, the umbrella closing shut over him.

Adrien laughed for a brief moment and gave Marin a slight friendly shoulder bump.

“You keep safe, alright buddy?”

“A… al… alr-...”

Marin barely even noticed his bag dropping, hitting the ground with a ‘thud’ and his personal effects rolling about on the wet pavement. His eyes were transfixed as Adrien waved goodbye and proceeded towards his pick up car.

He’s not going to insult me or beat me or humiliate me.

Someone I can trust. Someone I can rely on.

I feel… safe next to him.

.

.

Oh, Adrien!

Maybe things were going to be different after all.

---

Unnoticed by them both, there was another figure watching the exchange, clad in a hawaiian t-shirt and accompanied by a green looking creature.

“Are you sure of your choice, master?”

“Yes. He will make a fine Chat Noir…

… and she will make for an unforgettable Ladybug.”

next

[sapphirelass]

Not you too... - NevillexSister

Hi! So... it’s been a while, but I have been extremely busy with school work and... well to be honest that’s my only excuse XD Anyhow, with maths and physics exams out of the way, it’s finally time for a new uplifting story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note:

1: I don’t own any of the gifs used, nor any already established characters, so credit to the authors and original creators - You have done a phenomenal job :)

2: English is not my native language, as I was born and raised in Sweden. I have, however, studied English for almost a decade, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem, I just thought I’d let you know ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: ≈1600

Warnings: Torture, The Cruciatus Curse, The Carrows, Light swearing, Extreme angst...

OC: Louise Longbottom (born 1981)

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1998

March

Hogwarts

“Well, well, well… What do we have here?!”

The frightened first-year trembled and tried to back away.

“I...I.. I was just on my way to the Ravenclaw com…”

Alecto grabbed his jumper and pinned him to the wall. 

“Oh I don’t think so! This isn’t the first time we’ve caught you wandering around, Matthews, and I’m afraid we can’t let you get away with it…”

Amycus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the young boy’s throat.

“DON’T YOU DARE!!”

A furious sixth year Gryffindor sprinted through the corridor, her right hand clutched around her wand.

“Leave him alone! He’s eleven!? And has done nothing wrong! Levicorpus!”

Amycus was hoisted into the air by his ankle as the older student carefully approached the younger.

“Hey, are you oka-” 

But before even getting a chance to comfort the boy, the tip of a wand was pressed forcefully against her throat. The young Ravenclaw knew better than to stick around, especially when Alecto Carrow disarmed his saviour and pushed her against the wall.

“Longbottom… No bloody surprise there, c’mon!”

Amycus was back on his feet and, sadly, a fight between one wandless sixteen year old and two death eaters could barely even be called a fight. The Carrows grabbed an arm each, and made their way towards the dungeons.

***

Neville was, despite the gloomy atmosphere, in high spirits. It was Friday, his last class of the day had been herbology, and he hadn’t received detention a single time that week. He entered the common room and sat down on the sofa with a copy of A Compendium of Common Curses and Their Counter-Actions.

Later that night, Ginny Weasley and Seamus Finnigan climbed through the portrait hole and approached him slowly.

“Hey!”, he said, “Everything good?” 

“Neville… Where’s Louise? Is she okay?”

Neville frowned, “Wha.. Why shouldn’t she be? Where is she anyways, I thought she was with you?!”

“Neville…”, Seamus began, putting a hand on his shoulder, “She-”

“What, Seamus!?”

“She ran into the Carrows.... They were threatening some Ravenclaw first-year and she interfered before she could help herself.”

Neville felt his blood run cold.

“So? What did they do? Where is she?”

“I don’t know, we thought she would be back by now… We… we thought she was with you.”

Neville closed his book, not bothering to look for a bookmark, and left without a word. He didn’t dare to think about what could have happened to his sister, but he knew that he had to find her. Making his way through the corridors, he kept trying to tell himself that she was fine. That she was okay. That he would find her unharmed. Deep down, he knew it was highly improbable, but one can hope, right?

***

“Incarcerous!”

A thick, bloodstained rope wrapped itself tightly around her wrists and ankles, effectively preventing any movements or attempts to escape. 

“You, Longbottom - you and your ‘good-for-nothing’ brother have had your fun. I think it’s about time we teach you a little lesson.”

She sent the professor an angry glare. “So you’re finally going to start then?”

“What?”, Alecto spat

“Well, you are our teachers after all. One would think you would have planned on teaching us stuff from the beginning - it is your bloody job - but I’m glad you finally wanna give it a go…”

With a furious look on his face, Amycus grabbed Louise’s jumper and threw her violently to the floor. He charged and delivered a rough, well placed kick to her cheek before pulling out his wand.

“You really are a stupid little blood traitor, aren’t you? Do you honestly believe you’ll get out of here unharmed?”

“That kick was rather nasty so no, I think it’s too la…”

Her response was interrupted by a swift wand movement followed by a single word.

“Crucio!!”

Louise let out an ear piercing scream and began shaking violently. It wasn’t unexpected, yet she had feared this moment her entire life, and the realization that the time had finally arrived was just as horrifying as the pain itself.

“Maybe that’ll teach you something. Then again, your family never were the brightest of our kind, were they? Not even this lovely curse got the message across so… perhaps a few more times would suffice!”

The death eaters smirked evilly.

“CRUCIO!!”

“CRUCIO!!”

“CRUCIO!!”

***

Hours later the torture momentarily ceased, and Louise’s pained screams had drifted further and further towards what most would call hoarse whimpering. She was shaking, struggled to breathe, and no longer fully capable of taking in all that happened around her. 

“Well, well, well… looking rather shaken, Longbottom. Had enough yet? What do you reckon, sister?”

Alecto looked down at the trembling sixteen year old with disgust. 

“It does seem like the message has sunken in… But don’t you, dearest brother, feel like we should grant her some more… long lasting evidence of what she went through? Something more... physical?”

“What a splendid suggestion! Will you do me the honours?”

“Gladly!”

She pulled a small dagger from her cloak, though Louise had by the time almost passed out and lacked the strength to turn around and look. The girl lay motionless on the cold floor as her teacher grabbed her Gryffindor robes and threw them roughly into a messy pile. Alecto rested her hand on Louise’s collarbone, and repeatedly pierced her delicate skin. 

A couple of minutes later, the siblings stood back to admire their work and muttered sectumsempra before finally leaving and locking the door behind them.

Louise still didn’t react, but was moments later resting in a puddle of her own thick, red, hot blood.

***

“Lou?!” 

“Lou?!!!” 

“L..Lou?” 

As soon as Neville laid eyes on his sister, he ran up to her and pulled her into his arms. The word ‘traitor’ written across her neck caused him to look away for a moment, but he held her close. She was unconscious and her breathing was very shallow, but there was no doubt about it - she was alive!

“Louise, please wake up for me. Please”

 She was barely bleeding anymore, but had lost copious amounts of blood and was in need of immediate medical care.

“Neville, we’ve got to bring her up to the Room of Requirement.”

“But she needs healing!?”

“Yes, but it’s not safe here. They might return, c’mon.”

“Fine, let me just…”

He bent down and untied the ropes before picking her up. Seamus brought the cloak and they left the dungeons hoping that they, for the love of Merlin, would make it without getting caught.

***

“I...not..that!”

“Nev… just saying… don’t know… she’ll… what they did!”

“That doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up!?”

At first it was all incoherent, but eventually she started to pick up full sentences. The pain did however return as soon as she woke up, and she groaned slightly, causing the conversation to die out.

Her brother was by her side in an instant.

“Lou!? How… I.. Are you okay? Here, let me help you!”

He reached out to help her into a sitting position, but she flinched and moved away from his touch. This reaction caused his heart to completely shatter, and he raised his hands in surrender as a few tears left his eyes.

“Lou”, he muttered carefully, “it’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you, I could never…”

She looked back at him, eyes filled with dread and an uncertainty completely unlike anything he had ever seen before. 

“C’mon , L”, Seamus said as he put a hand on her shoulder, “‘tis just us.”

This move, though a very gentle one, caused her to quickly withdraw further as her breath quickened.

“Shut up Seamus”, said Ginny angrily, pulling their Irish friend away as Neville sat down on his knees. He was careful not to touch his sister - the thought of him scaring her being far too much for him to handle - and then placed his wand on a table a few feet away.

“Lou”, he said, once again holding his hands up in surrender, “I won’t hurt you, okay, just… do you know where you are?”

She didn’t respond, but did however look less terrified than before. Deep inside, Neville realized that Louise calming down should make him feel better, but there was something about her that gave him the creeps… There was something uncomfortably familiar about her posture, the nervous shifting and the way she seemed to be staring into nothing, yet he found himself unable to put his finger on it.

Then it hit him. He immediately understood who she reminded him of: 

Their Parents

He closed his eyes tightly and shuddered at the thought. It-it wasn’t possible! It couldn’t be...Neville Longbottom had never been so afraid in his life, but he knew what he had to do. He had to ask. He had to know.

“Lou?”, he repeated softly, “Lou, do you know who I am?”

Not receiving an immediate response worried him, but he gave it the benefit of the doubt - Maybe she just needed some time? 

So he waited. 

30 seconds. 

And waited. 

A minute. 

And waited. 

Five minutes.

No answer.

That’s when it burst. Neville broke down completely. He put his head in his hands and let the tears flow freely, having absolutely no desire to stop them.

“No…”, he stuttered, “No, no, no...not... not you too…”

“Not you too”

~ L

Masterlist

[write-1t-bop-1t]

Plucked (Pixie Virgil/Dlampr) Part 1:

Summary: Virgil, a small and anxious pixie, goes out alone to scavenge for food only to find himself in the hands of a tall and not-so-gentle human intent on bringing him home as a gift to his boyfriends.

Words: 2670

(Warnings: Anxiety, treating people as pets, kidnapping, Character blacking out and other person thinking they died) - I stretch my arms as I yawn out, popping my back in the presses. I lean back and use my hands to rub out my sore wings, having slept on them weird. They flutter a bit as I try to wake up, the morning light shining through one of the small windows in my tree home hits them causing flashes of rainbow light to bounce off the walls.

A small smile crosses my face as I pull off the thick gray long sleeved shirt I wear to bed and change into a simple black tunic, the tunic itself being a little loose around the sleeves and neck, not that I really cared.

I walk across my dark hollow I call home, the whole room only being about a foot long and a half in human measurements. Sure it’s small, but I’ve never really liked large spaces, they make me feel overwhelmed.

There is a shard of broken mirror resting against the dark oaken wall, and I glance at myself in its reflection, taking specific notice in my hair that I try to tame with my fingers, not being very successful. I had given my brush to my cousin a few days ago for him to fix, and am yet to get it back from the forest fairy.

“Damn Emile…” I mutter to myself, cursing the kind fairy as I continue to struggle with my hair. The handle had been broken a small while ago, but it still worked its purpose. Which unfortunately wasn’t good enough for my green winged friend.

I don’t have great luck in flattening it down, and only seem to tame it a small amount. A few stray black strands continue to stick out, causing me to let out an annoyed sigh. I also notice a small amount of dark purple peeking out from my roots, reminding me that I need to get Emile to cut and re-dye it for me. I’ve never been too great at things like that, and last time I tried I almost cut my ear off and also left my arms up to my elbows dyed black. It didn’t wash out for a full month, and I got quite the earful from my older cousin, who acts more like my parent.

Always telling me to be careful, avoid humans, elves and other large creatures, never fly into Fae circles, stay out of the rain, remember to eat, and blah blah blah.

He’s way too protective of me, but I guess he has a reason to be, him being a fairy and me being a pixie. It’s easy to tell the difference, since fairies are two inches taller then pixies and it’s a well known fact that pixies are much more fragile than fairies. And much more rare, which is why I live in the middle of a dense forest, while Emile lives a little ways away and has to fly to see me.

I give up on trying to fix my hair and it’s not like anyone is going to see me. But thinking of my older cousin did remind me that I’m almost out of food and water. It rained a few days ago, but almost nothing ever reaches the mossy forest floor through the trees, and whatever did has dried up by now, meaning I have to go out to get supplies.

“Uuuugghhh….” I groan out as I rub my face. I hate leaving my house, I wish I could just stay here forever. But a main reason I picked my home to be here is it’s not too far from a small pond, hidden between some trees. But an even bigger plus is what’s right across the pond, where large berry bushes sprout. They hold all types of berries, making it the perfect spot to get food all year round.

It's secluded enough that no real predators are able to get to it, but just in-secluded enough for me to be able to walk there in about 20-30 minutes. I could fly but that draws too much attention to me, and I prefer walking over flying anyways.

I wish I was a fairy if I’m being honest, like Emile. His wings and body are much larger than mine, as I stand at a small 4 inches while he stands at a whopping 6. His wings are a light green color, looking like butterflies and they allow him to glide through the air instead of mine, which are thin, almost completely see through. They shimmer when light touches them, and they hold thin silver highlights that seem to emphasize their fragility. I always try to tuck them away, knowing of the horror stories of pixies who had gotten caught by humans, their wings torn off and used for jewelry or a collectors item, while they get thrown into a cage to live out the rest of their lives.

Another thing I happen to be jealous of is Emile’s skin tone. He holds a nice peach color that often ends up tanned due to him spending so much of his free time outside with the other creatures of his small section of forest. Pixies are known to be on the paler side, but I am almost sickly pale due to almost never getting sunlight, along with the patches of light and dark purple littering my skin, the most prominent ones being on my forearms and on both sides of my face.

I sigh again, putting on some platform shoes Emile had made me, grabbing a large bag I can throw over my shoulder, along with another bag stuffed inside to hold the water as I get ready to leave the house.

I put a small cloak on as well, using the hood to cover my hair, and to make it easier to camouflage, since I happen to pop out against the brown and lush green environment of the forest.

I use my feet to push up and leap my way up and out of the small room, my wings being open and fluttering slightly to help my balance.

There is one thing that Emile was jealous of me for, and that was the fact that even though pixies aren’t great or fast fliers like fairies, we can jump significantly higher than almost all fairies and on ground we are incredibly fast on our feet, which is another reason I prefer walking to flying.

I jump over the wall of my room and use my wings to lower myself onto the mossy forest floor. I stretch out my wings again before looking up and rubbing my eyes, trying to get used to the bright light coming from above the tree line high above. The sun feels warm against my skin, and it’s only slightly humid.

“I really need to get out more.” I say to myself as I adjust my bag and begin the trek towards the pond. I stick to walking near the trees instead of the few natural open paths, making it easy to leap up incase of any dangerous animals came towards me, and partially because I’m paranoid.

Wouldn’t be the first time somethings tried to eat me….

I continue walking, humming a quiet tune to ease my mind, as I always feel anxious walking outside by myself. I end up being alert the whole time, feeling as though I’m being watched. Of course I’m not being watched and I know that. No sane person would ever just walk into an enchanted forest, everyone knew that. Not to mention where I live is a good way into the forest, miles away from any human or elf towns.

I stop my humming abruptly as I hear a ruffle of leaves above me to the right, and my eyes shoot over to the area immediately. My breath stops as I try to stay as quiet and still as physically possible. After a few minutes of nothing happening, I let out a shaky sigh, allowing my muscles to relax.

It was probably the wind. Or a bird.

I shiver at the thought. Birds are the worst and one of the only predators a pixie can’t just fly away from.

I start speed walking towards the pond. Being by the large open water always calmed my nerves. There were no fish or kelpies and thank god there aren’t any mermaids or any type of aquatic animals living in the deep water for that matter. But I have seen a deer or two around the area, along with the water spirits that inhabit the clear waters. They let me take water as long as I give them something in return, which is normally a berry or two extra I grab from the bush on the other side of the lake. It’s not a lot, but I think they know I can’t carry much as it is.

I see the pond behind some long grass and my face lights up, as my anxiety seems to melt away. I always was at my calmest at the pond and my paranoid nature would be put on hold until I got home.

I smile as I walk towards the body of fresh water coming towards the edge, easily seeing my reflection in the clear surface.

Pixies and fairies can’t exactly swim, and if even a little water gets on our wings we become temporarily grounded and unable to fly. I don’t really worry about that when coming here, I mean, now anyways…

I slowly got over that fear a year or so ago,

I had been giving the water spirits berries in exchange for water for a while at that point, until one day I had gotten frightened and lost my footing causing me to fall straight into the depth below. I thought I was going to drown….

That was until I heard soft, echoing voices and the light above the water became brighter, the next thing I knew I woke up on the grass next to the pond and my satchel filled with fresh water. I made sure to put double the amount of berries into the pond that day…

I pull out my spare bag and unscrew the lid near the top before lowering it into the water and waiting for it to fill.

A few stray ripples in the blue water come towards me, causing small waves against my bag. I smile at it, making small talk. From anyone else’s view it would seem like I’m crazy and talking to myself, but I know that the water spirits appreciate conversation.

Once my bag is full I pull it away from the water and screw on the lid, while thanking the spirits. 

I use my cloak to dry off the outside of the pouch before placing my water bag inside my larger bag. Sure it’s heavy, but I don’t have anywhere to be at the moment, so I’ll take my time.

I sigh and begin the tiring trek around the pond. It takes longer than I would like to get to the berry bushes, but the sound of the soft water makes for a quiet and calming walk. Around this time of year, the path to the other side of the pond is extended. While the rain might not make it through the forest where I live, it does here, making the edges of the pond muddy and dangerous.

I walk deeper into the forest, making a big semi circle around the muddy area. I decide to walk deeper, enjoying the fresh air and the small breeze that causes my hood to almost fly off, but I fortunately catch it and pull it back onto my face.

I walk a straight line between a few of the trees, a content smile on my face, while starting to hum quietly to myself again. I close my eyes for a second as I walk, a hand crossing over on the strap of my bag, but when I open them slightly I notice a large dark shadow covering me. I look up quickly to see a large hand coming towards me.

Out of instinct I immediately drop my bag and jump backwards just in time for another hand to rush at me and I barely make it out of the way. I use the hand to push myself into the air, my wings immediately getting to work as I go to fly upwards, trying to put as much distance between me and the stranger.

‘Crap!-’

I don’t get more than a few feet before I narrowly avoid another hand, this one coming at me so quickly that instead of grabbing me, it barely manages to snag my cloak with it’s nail, but it lets out a loud ‘riiiiiiiiiiiip’ that seems to echo out into the otherwise quiet forest.

That momentary distraction is all it takes for the two large hands to harshly cup around me, shadowing me into darkness. Once it grips on I start to struggle, thrashing and screeching in it’s hold, my feet kicking against its palms. This only seems to anger it as its grip tightens to an almost suffocating hold, I whimper as the grip pushes my arms together, my chest feeling like it’s going to explode as tear prick the corners of my eyes.

My wings sting against the calloused hands and I can feel him start to move quickly causing me to bump around against the mini prison, murmurs of someone's voice heard somewhere outside as my vision starts to swim, so I do the only reasonable thing I could think of.

I bite down. Hard.

I draw blood easily and the second the hand opens I launch myself out towards the light ahead of me, adrenaline and fear fueling my movements as I see the hand try to reach out to me before I see it pushing down, taking me with it.

All I see is the hand and the forest floor rushing up to greet me before I’m slammed onto it, the weight of the hand crushing me and knocking the wind out of my chest before everything in sight is covered in black pools and eventually nothing….

-

I groan from my place on the ground, having tripped over my own feet when reaching for the winged mini-person. My boyfriend Logan was always fascinated with fairies so when I saw it just walking around I figured it would make a great ‘I’m-Sorry-I-Accidentally-Lit-The-Bathroom-On-Fire’ gift.

I hadn't expected the thing to bite me though. Or sting me, I don’t know which one it was but it hurts like a bitch. I hope they're not poisonous…. But then again if they are, my boyfriends will have to take care of me….. I shake my head to get rid of the thought, looking around for the little thing that has caused me so much trouble.

I look to where my hand is planted on the ground, and I try to keep it steady as I wipe a bit of dirt that had gotten on my green throw over that Patton had made me bring incase it got cold.

I scoop up the little being with both of my hands in a little pocket, making sure not to crush it and bring it up to my eyes before slowly opening my hands, allowing me to look at it.

I can see it’s pale skin, dark messy hair and clearly ripped cloak, along with some patches of purple throughout their body. But the most striking part are its wings, not like any fairies I’d ever heard of, and once the light catches them they seem to burst with colors…

“Logan is going to love this!” I mutter to myself.

But then I notice something else strange. The once feisty and screeching fairy wasn’t struggling, heck it wasn’t moving at all! 

My body jumps when I realize this, and I nearly drop the little person, my eyes widen in panic as I end up blurting out,

“Shit! Did I fucking kill it!?”

[aprils-arcadia]

A Weekend in Rome

Pairing: Kihyun x Reader Genre: Fluff Word Count: 2,2k Summary: Your business trip to Rome turned out completely different from what you’d imagined, as your attractive co-worker decided to accopany you. 

You never really like rules. It was easier to not restrict yourself, in the end you would just be disappointed with yourself for not being able to follow them. So you only had one thing that could be considered a rule. A simple one that you had just put out there for yourself to keep an eye out. You never really thought that you would find yourself in a situation that required you to listen to yourself. Your rule had been to never date or get romantically involved with a co-worker or to simply fall for one. The emphasis lies on the ‘had been’ because at this very moment you couldn't be further away from following it. 

You were sitting in a cafe and fidgeted with the sugar packets, neatly putting them in their container and then spilling it out again to arrange them differently. It wasn't out of boredom, rather out of pure nervousness with a slight hint of terror. 

When you had agreed to come to this conference you never would have dreamed that the head of marketing would tag along. You had envisioned this trip as a nice getaway, a possibility to work with it not feeling like work at all. 

Rome had been a dream destination for you since you were little and to have the opportunity to go there for a long weekend with it being completely paid by your company had made it even better. You only had to attend a few talks and give a 30-minute presentation yourself, easy peasy. The rest of the time you would have been free to roam the city and to do every touristy and non-touristy thing you could think of. This plan had been crossed effortlessly by Yoo Kihyun himself. 

The small cafe near the venue was nearly empty apart from you and Kihyun, who now made his way back to you, two coffees in hand. He sported you a bright smile and sat down opposite of you. You quickly grabbed the sugar packets that were still sprawled over the entire table and shoved them into the container, ruining your last 5 minutes of meticulous work. You tried to smile back at him but knew that this was not your usual charming professional smile but the awkward smile of your thirteen-year-old self trying to talk to a boy. You had been thoroughly convinced that you had dropped that bashful, clumsy version of yourself ages ago. But here you were surprising yourself in the most uncalled for and unwanted way possible. 

"I gotta say you were pretty impressive up there," Kihyun loosened the slim black tie around his neck and opened the top button. It was a hot day, the sun almost at its highest point grilling all that stood in its way. Part of you missed the wonderfully climated hall you had spent the last 3 hours in because now the only thing that cooled you slightly was the soft fresh breeze which gradually flowed through the stuffy mediterranean air. He rolled up the sleeves of his button down without breaking eye contact. And with that simple course of action he made the day a little hotter. You felt your ears slowly turn red as you tried to look as normal as you could even after the unexpected compliment and now the slow transition from business to casual was messing with your brain considerably.

You couldn't be serious. This wasn't your first date. In fact you didn't know if this could even be called a date. You had held your presentation an hour ago and afterwards he just asked you to grab coffee. 

That is all this was. 

That is all this was, you repeated to yourself. But you had no chance in avoiding how handsome the man before you was. You had seen him in a few board meetings before and even though your two departments usually worked closely together you seldomly had any face-to-face contact with him since his office was in a different building complex. Luckily for you, because even though you never really fell for him, which would definitely be against your rule, you still were very much attracted to him and had trouble staying focused in the very few times you actually occupied the same space just like now.

"Thanks," you were able to mumble. You took your coffee from the tray and gave him a small nod. 

"So tell me more about what you found out.” 

After hearing those words you immediately relaxed. This wasn't a date. Not at all. He just wanted to talk to you about your work. That you could do. There was no reason to be awkward, this was strictly professional. You sighed in relief and started to explain all the various components of your talk and went further into detail. He listened to you attentively while sipping his coffee.

"So as I said it is extremely vital to continue monitoring -"

"-You know I gotta say I like you better that way"

"Excuse me?" 

"Well you seemed really uncomfortable since I invited you. It's nice to see you relax a bit. Makes me feel less like I am forcing you out on a date"

"A....a date?"

"Yeah a date. Did I not make that clear?" He looked a little lost and you could clearly see the gears inside his head turning. "I'm sorry. I really thought that would have been obvious." He chuckled and you were completely unable to focus.

Your response probably took you longer than it was comfortable for both parties. But you couldn't believe that you got this all wrong. So this was supposed to be a date. Well that changed things. Or did it really? If you were comfortable talking to him a second ago why would you now be this damn flustered. Sure he was intimidatingly perfect and having taken an interest in him over the last year or so made you not wanting to screw up. So sure nervousness was perfectly appropriate. Still this was your chance. Your chance to get to know him. And what did you plan to do, run? Like hell that would be a good idea. You were here, he was here and you were in goddamn Rome having clearly left your one rule at the airport. So screw it. Might as well make the best of it. 

You brushed a stray strand of hair back over your ear and mustered your courage.

"I’m sorry. A date sounds great and it gives us some time to get to know each other and even though we've been working together for a year now I hardly know you." 

"Well it's not like you ever gave me a chance. You usually just rush out of the meetings I am part of and I rarely see you at the cafeteria." You knew exactly why you didn't try to get any close to him because you would have probably fallen for him instantly. As you were doing now. 

“I mean I could have asked you out via email but let's be honest that would have been really weird. Attached you can find the overview we discussed and also would you be interested in grabbing a coffee with me' I don't think so." You giggled. 

"Actually I got one of those once. From Minhyuk in sales. I really didn't know how to respond”

"Funny I got one or those as well." Both of you burst out into laughter.

“But seriously though. It's like whenever I see you, you are running all over the place your bright yellow binder in hand. And I never see you at the cafeteria. You're really not that easy to get close to."

"I'm sorry I feel like I was just dashing through life the last couple of months. I mean you know how stressful the whole project was. So I never really had time to myself or for others"

“Well sounds to me like it’s about damn time you had some fun.” He grabbed your hand and pulled you from your seat, quickly wrapping an arm around your waist to prevent you from stumbling. You were close to him. Too close. You could feel the heat rushing towards your head and forgot to breathe for what felt like forever. His face was now only a few inches away from you. Your eyes were drawn towards his lips and for a split second you couldn’t stop your mind from going places you had tried to avoid. You could just simply kiss him, it would be so easy. The only thing you’d had to do would be to place your hand on the back of his neck and slowly draw him in. You could do that. Probably.

“So where do you wanna go first? I know some really nice spots”

You steadied your footing and straightened your skirt steadily brushing away the wrinkles and the thoughts that were filling your head. “Sure surprise me”

And surprise you he did. You spend most of the day going from gallery to museum and marveled at the beautiful architecture. Your plan had only involved the mainstream tourist spots, the blatantly obvious go to spots. But it was paling in comparison to the places he showed you. 

He excitedly told you everything he knew about the places he showed you all the while never leaving your side. You tried your best to let your eyes remain on the things he was telling you about but ever so often you couldn’t stop yourself from admiring the man beside you. 

The bright midday sun was highlighting the sharp edges of his face making it look even more perfect than it already was. His laugh and smile were intoxicating, making you smile brightly everytime and making you want to spend every waking second of this weekend with him. Seeing him wildly gesticulate in the air because words were not enough to convey his excitement, seeing his eyes light up when he noticed how interested you were and most of all making you feel like you were the only thing that mattered. He was able to casually take your hand whenever it was necessary to not lose you or simply because just standing next to you didn’t cut it. 

“How do you even know of these places?” you had asked him once you entered a quiet alley looking for a specific restaurant he’d been talking about for the whole day. 

“Well I spent the last few years at this conference, just with a different employer. So once I got the main touristy things out of the way I got bored and started to wander around, talked to locals, that kind of thing. I mean touristy spots aside those small places have their own charm and they are not so damn crowded all the time” you turned a corner. 

The alley you had entered was gorgeous and it looked like an old painting or at least a picture perfect little world. The narrow cobblestone path wound around the houses. Not the straight lines of streets that dictated where you were going but rather like a little stream that was built gradually to connect the houses without wanting to disturb any of them. The buildings were overgrown with ivy and every house seemed to have their own little hanging garden perched upon the small balconies. Everything was framed in green and a few radiant specks of colour in the form of tiny flowers. You hadn’t moved but were just admiring the view. Trying to take it all in and commit it to memory. 

“Ah there we are” The place he pointed to was a small window front, not more than the little shops at home that had been neatly arranged next to each other. It only had a few chairs outside.

“Come on. Let’s eat” 

Kihyun was standing right beside you and took your hand, gently guiding you towards a free table. “

The meal had been delicious and after it was over none of you had the intention of leaving instead you spent the rest of the evening talking until the sun was slowly setting. The twilight illuminated the small world you were currently lost in. Sitting in this tiny restaurant and talking to the man you had tried so hard to avoid.

Giving in had been so easy. You didn’t want to fall in love, hell you even went to such length as to not give him any chance to really talk to you. And absolutely you were right. Because right now that mushy feeling in your stomach had grown to a size you could no longer ignore. No you didn’t want to fall in love but you sure as hell were. He’s shown you his favorite places, the hidden gems in his tour all putting one thought in your head that you couldn't shake: He seems to like you. Or was he just playing with you? Taking you along to not spend the weekend alone and ditching you once you were back home? Maybe just maybe he’d be capable of this. And let’s be honest just because you were getting attached wouldn’t mean he’d do the same, now would it. But right now you didn’t care. Even if he was just playing some wicked game with you, you had already fallen too deep. Too deep to realize it even if you wanted to and too deep to care that he might destroy that little world of yours in 2 days time.

[organiclifestylemagazine]

How I Fixed my Knee Pain

At 18, when I weighed more than 300 pounds, in a momentary lapse of judgment I decided to ride an electric scooter through downtown Atlanta. This did not end well for me. I hurt my knee so badly I couldn’t walk on my own, I needed crutches. By the time I could walk on my own it was painful to stand up. I was sitting down all the time. The injury took months to heal. I was out of work for more than a week. When I got back into work the job had become very difficult. Walking up and down the stairs and chasing the kids was agonizing.

A few months later I moved in with my father, and I started exercising and eating right. Today, my knee pain is almost gone, but not completely. When I do feel knee pain it’s the first indication that I am not taking proper care of myself as well as I need to. I feel it when I eat restaurant food (even the healthiest), or anything processed. I feel it if I eat corn or wheat. I feel it if I don’t have my daily salads. It keeps me on track.

My knee keeps getting better and better. What I am doing is working. I am now sharing it with you. This is how I lost 150 pounds and fixed me knee:

Strength exercises

Squats were instrumental in building up the strength in my knee. Squats are generally one of the most beneficial exercises you can do to improve mobility and bodily function. They mimic natural movement that we used to do in nature. We used to squat to use the bathroom, to harvest food, to hunt, to stay inconspicuous, to simply take a break, etc.

My knee would pop a lot when I first started doing jiujitsu, 6 months ago, and usually popping made it very sore. Every time it got sore it felt as if it got a little stronger.

Running also helped. Being active in general promotes healing and is usually the best way to heal an injury. I use Vibram Fivefinger shoes. I used to have flat feet that would exacerbate the knee pain, but they have strengthened into healthy arches. I think this is in large part due to running in the Fivefinger shoes. Flat feet cause the knees to buckle which causes the hips to become out of alignment.

Related: Running Without Knee Pain

My Workout routine

I work out intensely every day. I run a mile, weight lift and do bodyweight exercises for between 30-45 minutes, and train Brazilian jiujitsu for about three-five hours a day. This wasn’t always the case though. Prior to my knee injury, I was not active at all, and for months after my knee injury, I couldn’t so much as walk up the stairs without feeling discomfort, let alone workout.

When I did start working out, I ran into problems. I wasn’t able to squat as low as I wanted to, and when I ran my knee was extremely sore. While my knee tried to heal, the arches of my feet would both go out of place giving me problems when I ran or even walked. One of my arches was so flat my shoes were two totally different shapes after I wore them in. As I tried to fix that problem, my right hip (the hip of my injured knee) would continue to go in and out leaving me with an uncomfortable pinching feeling in my hip.

Supplements

I use deep tissue on my knee to promote healing when it gets sore, or when it pops.

I also take B vitamins and vitamin D to help with soreness.

Thyroid issues

From years of antibiotics and other prescriptions, I developed thyroid problems in the form of constant chronic neck pain, amongst other things. The thyroid problems got radically better so much so that I didn’t even notice them for months. When I began doing jiu-jitsu they showed up again. My neck is often sore or stiff from training and on bad days I’ll develop a headache. When I started training more intensely (multiple classes a day) my endocrine system would crash, physically unable to keep up with my workload due to a weak thyroid. I would become extremely nauseous and fatigued and would often throw up. These crashes would put me out of commission for as long as three days at their worst. My thyroid continues to get stronger, and I take glandular supplements on a daily basis to help build a stronger thyroid and prevent crashes.

Related: Holistic Guide to Healing the Endocrine System and Balancing Our Hormones

Diet

Diet is always the most important part of healing and recovery. No refined sugar, no gluten, nothing inflammatory. Lots and lots of vegetables, grains, and legumes. I eat salads every day (recipes).

I cook all my own from scratch, everything minimally processed and as natural as possible. When I buy food from the grocery store I look for food with as few ingredients listed as possible. When you’re trying to get well don’t trust anyone else to cook your food, not a company, not a restaurant, not other friends and family.

If you’re interested in learning more about how I eat, check out these articles.

Related: How To Heal Your Gut 

Sleep

In order to allow my body the time it needs to heal I have to get at least eight hours of sleep a night. I generally average closer to nine, or ten hours a night though with how much I work out. Sleep and diet go hand in hand. It’s impossible to be in perfect health if you’re not consistently getting enough sleep each night, but in turn, it can be difficult to get quality sleep without a healthy diet.

Fixing my diet was the most instrumental part of fixing my sleep. After fixing my diet, I had to develop a routine for sleep. Picking your wake-up time is easier than picking your bedtime. Decide when you want to wake up each morning and stick to it. For me waking up at a certain time made it easier to assure I was going to bed at a certain time.

As we’ve all heard before, you should avoid using your phone right before bed. I’m bad about this, but what I do that I highly recommend is programming your phone to go on do not disturb every night before your bedtime. My phone goes on do not disturb at 10, and I’m asleep by 10:30 at the latest, but usually by 10, I’m already laying down in bed.

Related: How To Detoxify and Heal From Vaccinations – For Adults and Children

Injury prevention and recovery

One injury in one area affects more than just that one area! I learned that my weak thyroid causes flat feet, which cause one’s knees to buckle, making me more susceptible to knee injuries and making it very difficult to heal! My knee has caused hip problems and problems with the arches of my feet. Be willing to work in areas beyond just what’s injured and see how being in tune with the whole body can make a big difference.

Many people don’t understand all the areas in which a healthy diet benefits you. People still think too much of your health is left up to chance. Someone who eats a healthy diet is less prone to injury and takes less time to recover when they do get injured. A healthy diet makes for stronger bones, a more resilient body. I cannot stress this enough, you are what you eat. The old saying reigns true to a degree most people don’t realize.

One of the most important parts of healing and recovery is knowing your body. This comes with eating right and taking care of yourself. If you constantly provide your body with the right stuff, it lets you know what it needs. Rest is important. Often times we don’t need nearly as much recovery time as we think, but it’s still important to take time to figure out what you need.

Please keep in mind that if you’re on a weight loss journey that isn’t finished yet and you’re ramping up your workout routine you are likely going to run into problems other people won’t. They may be insignificant. Your back may be a little sorer, the arches of your feet may have a hard time staying in place properly, but with the proper diet, you can make it out the other end stronger than most. Be patient. Some of these problems can take months or years to completely fix.

I’ve lost 160 pounds and I’m healthier than most anyone I know, but I still run into problems I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been heavy and if I didn’t still have a few pounds to lose.

How I Fixed my Knee Pain was originally published on Organic Lifestyle Magazine

[renee-writer]

Learning to Love Chapter 155 Birth and Death

The enter Kabul and meet up with the marines already there. "We know where they are. We have had them under surveillance for a month." They are told.

"How much security is there?" Marcus asks.

"Outside perimeter has between five and six guards. We don't know about the inside."

"Okay. We will go in tonight. The guards will be taken out and Chief here will get as much intel from the inside then we will go in."

That is what they do. It is so easy it is almost a joke. The five terrorists they are after inside are reliant on their outside security. When Rifleman and Tex take them out, they are helpless. The Team quickly take them out.

"That was to easy." Liam says what they our all feeling.

"I agree. We need to be prepared for more resistance." Their next stop has 10 terrorist they are after. They rest the next day before heading out.

"Owe!" Grace is awakened that same night with her first true contraction. She had been having increasingly strong Braxton Hicks contractions for days but this was qualifiably different. It is stronger, more focused. She gets out of bed and stumbles to the kitchen to get a glass of water, knowing false labor could be caused by dehydration. After drinking it, she waits. Ten minutes later, she feels another. It is then she calls Amy.

"Hello," Willy sleepily answers.

"Willy, sorry to wake you but I need Any. I think it is time."

"Wow, hold on," she hears him gently waking Amy. "Grace, what is happening?" Grace is instantly awake, alert, and in coaching mode.

"A contraction woke me up about ten minutes ago and I had another ten minutes later and, oh, here it goes again." Grace is unable to talk through it.

"Grace, I am on the way, hold on." An hour later, they are on the way to the birthing center. Daniel, meanwhile, is on the way to trouble.

They find a completely different situation there. The house that holds the ten remaining terrorists is well guarded. There are twenty perimeter guards and, the house itself is more secure, with bars on the windows and doors with double dead bolts. "Yep, this one isn't going to be as easy." Daniel says, with a sigh. He is trying to concentrate with Grace heavy on his mind.

"Grace, you are definitely in labor. You are four cms dilated. They are on the way." Grace tries to smile at this wonderful news but Daniel"s absence and the pain going through her, make it hard.

"Look at me Grace," Amy directs, "breath through it."

"Okay, do we know if there is roof access?" Marcus asks the marine commander who's unit has been doing surveillance.

"Not that we are aware of. We have seen no one enter or exit from there."

"We will take out the perimeter guards but leave one or two alive for intel."

"Very good Grace. You can do this." Amy encourages her sister as she does the hardest work of her life.

"I want Daniel!" she calls out, knowing it is impossible but unable to help needing him.

"I know Grace. He is doing his job and you are doing yours." She nods, unable to speak. Another pain tears through her and she grabs Amy"s hand.

Within a few hours, working with the marines, they have the perimeter cleared. "Chief, Red, go check out the roof while we question these two. Cowboy, Rifleman, cover them."

Moving silently and invisibility through the early morning darkness, they approach the quiet house. From the back, they rapidly scale the fire escape on that side. They are covered by Rifleman and Cowboy, the marine sniper. They have no way of knowing the true danger is on the roof.

"Almost there Grace." Ainsley tells her as the contractions start coming two minutes apart, "you are in transition."

"I know." Grace grumpily calls out.

"It is the hardest but quickest part." She gently reminds her. She is unfazed by her anger. Everyone gets that way at this stage.

"I can't do this. I can't. I want to go home, rest, and come back tomorrow!" She is frantic as the pain becomes almost relentless.

"You are doing this. You can get through this. You are strong and your body knows what to do." Amy tells her.

"Errrr!" Yelled out as her body tightens up again, relentlessly pushing her children forth, into the world.

Daniel and Liam approach the roof, weapons hot. They scan the open area before climbing up the rest of the way. Special attention is paid to the places a person can hide. Seeing nothing, they enter the rest of the way with Liam taken point and Daniel covering him.

"I have to push!" Grace yells out about the same time.

"Fully dilated. Push as your body directs." Ainsley calmly directs. She has been monitoring the twins heart rates as Grace's labor progressed. She checks again as their mommy starts to push. "Very good Grace. Babies are doing well." Grace nods, to focused to talk. She has pulled herself into a squatting position with Amy"s support. "Very good. I can see a time sized amount of hair."

"What color?" Grace asks.

"Dark." Ainsley replies with a laugh.

While his children are being born, Daniel follows Liam up on the roof. They scan for threats and access to the house. Walking carefully across the flat roof, they know their six is covered by the snipers but they still feel horribly exposed. They approach what looks like a roof access door. As the cautiously walk up to it, there is a sudden, "boom!" An explosion! Daniel feels himself being pushed. He falls back ten feet hitting his head hard as his momentum is stopped by the hard tile of the roof. Everything goes black.

"Daniel!" Grace suddenly yells out. Amy gasps, knowing something has happened, having been through this with Willy.

"Grace push. Judah or Judith is ready to meet you." She focuses all her fear for Daniel on pushing. "Here comes the head, shoulders, and it is Judah!" Ainsley slips him on his mommy's chest.

"Judah Ethan Windtalker, hello happy birthday. I love you." Grace greets her second son through her tears. His hair is dark and curly but Grace sees streaks of red through the black. His skin is russet colored except his feet that are still slightly blue where his circulation hasn't caught up yet. His eyes are hers, clear blue, and very alert.

Daniel slowly becomes alert. His head is pounding and ears are ringing. It takes him a moment to reorient himself. When he does, he remembers the explosion and Liam. "Red!" He works his way back and doesn't see him at first. Finally he finds him laying limp on the other side of the flames. Working his way over, he walks around the fire to his fallen brother. "Red, can you hear me?" He falls down beside him. As soon as he sees his eyes, he knows he is gone. His brother's blue eyes look into eternity. He isn't here anymore. "Oh Liam." Daniel whispers through his tears. He pulls himself together enough to report to Marcus. "Boss, Red is down. There was an explosion."

"Down?" Marcus has a hard time excepting what Daniel is telling him.

"He is gone Boss."

"I need to push again." Ainsley tenderly transfers Judah to the isolette by the bed.

"Okay Grace, let's get Judith out." She tries to put aside her concern for Daniel and focus on delivering their daughter. "Good Grace, just like that."

Marcus and the rest of the Team join Daniel on the roof. The explosion has blown the roof access door open and the furious Team takes advantage of it. They head into the house weapons first, ready and very willing to shoot anything that moves. Within an hour, with the assistance of the marines, all ten terrorists are dead as well as, twenty other guards.

They spare no one and ate glad they find no women or children. The house is soon free of the terrorists and the premise, secure. The marines take over, searching for intel and weapons, so the Team can get Liam home.

"Here comes Judith," Ainsley excitedly announces. She slips the screaming baby unto her crying mommy's chest. Judith Erin Windtalker has her mommy's red curly hair but her daddy's eyes and coloring. She is as healthy as her brother. The babies weigh 5'1 and 5'0 respectively. They are 17 and 17 and a half inches long. Gorgeous, healthy, and loud. Grace is head over heels in love with them. She can't wait for Daniel to meet them then she recalls the feeling of danger and says a fervent prayer that he can.

"Please God, bring their daddy home."

The Team gently removes Liam from the roof. He is laid in the C 30 and a flag placed over him. His brothers sit solemnly around him, crying and praying for Ella and the children. They make a stop at Ramstead to get a casket. Daniel and the others take turns calling their wife's to prepare them for the visit Ella will be receiving.

"Daniel, oh thank God. I had the worst feeling that something had happened to you."

"I am okay baby. How are you and our babies?"

"Judah was born first. He weighs 5'1 and is 17 inches. He has black curly hair with a bit of red in it. He has your skin but my eyes. Judith is five pounds even and is 17'1 inches long. She has my red curly hair and your eyes and skin." She says with a smile.

"Oh man,I missed them being born. But they are healthy?"

"Very healthy. You are okay?"

"Yes, but Grace, Liam isn't. He was killed."

"Oh no! Oh Lord! Ella and those babies!"

"I know Grace. They will be informing her soon. We will be back home in six hours."

"Poor Ella." Grace is freely crying. Amy enters the room sees her tears, and thinks something has happened to Daniel.

"Grace!"

"Can you tell Amy?" She whispers.

"Yes, put her on." Daniel informs her about what has happened. "We will be landing in six hours and will be meet by an honor guard. Ella and the children will need as much support as possible." she assures him she is on it. "Thanks Amy for being there for Grace and the babies. Are they as cute as Grace says?"

"Cuter. Wait until you see them."

"Will be soon. Will you put Grace back on?" She hands the phone back to her. "I love you. I am sorry I wasn't there for their births."

"So was I. But I am glad you were there for your Team. I am so sorry about Liam."

"He was a great man. We will feel his loss forever."

Amy gets ahold of Willy and tells him about Liam. Her strong husband cries so hard she has trouble understanding him. They arrange for all the wives but Grace, along with Willy and Team Six to meet the plane bringing the Team and Liam home.

Amy gets Grace and the babies home and settled. Their Uncle Willy come over to meet them. He holds them and cries. Then they leave to welcome Liam and the Team home.

They find Ella and her children and enfold them in their arms as the plane carrying her husband and their daddy, lands. The Team carries his flag draped casket out. The flag he has died for. She approaches it and the Team stands at attention as Ella and her children touch the casket. Their isn't a dry eye among them.

Daniel makes it home to his wife and newborn children. He cries a different kind of tears as he holds them. Life and death all in one day. As he holds his children, he says prayers over them. Prayers for them, for Ella and her family. He prayers for himself and everyone grieving Liam's loss. He also holds his wife tight so happy to see her alright after the twin's birth. He spends two days with his family before Liam"s funeral.

[work-life-harmony]

Harmony Journal/Blog Posts

9/8/21

“I Stress, Eustress, We All Stress”

It is two days past my 42nd birthday and the eve before the start of another school year.  And I anticipate it is going to be a year like no other.  There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty that I am feeling at the moment.  Personally, I am in the thick of things trying to raise my twelve year-old daughter and blend ourselves with my fiancee and her two children.  It has not been easy.  My daughter has dealt with anxiety ever since she was little.  Her mom passed away two months after her second birthday and it’s hard to know whether her personality has been shaped in part because of the void my wife’s passing created.  Now that she is entering adolescence, a certain alchemy of anxiety, anger, and depression has yielded some chaos in our household.

That the pandemic happened to coincide with the time in her life where she is feeling the hardest is unfortunate.  Did the lockdown and disruption to our lives exacerbate her feelings of anxiety and anger?  It’s probably a safe bet that it did.  So that has been a major area of concern and frustration for me.

On the professional side of things, although last year was difficult for many teachers, and I certainly had my frustrations, I was in a fairly good place mentally.  There were some aspects to the school year that I actually found novel and enjoyed, such as the ability to sleep later, roll out of bed and teach from my kitchen table.  Conversely, the new routine allowed me to develop some habits that were not healthy, including daily rituals such as making and drinking light and sweet coffee and having a serving or two of ice cream nightly between dinner and bed.  Furthermore, I seemed to become a slave to my phone.  Although I’ve had the willpower to delete apps such as Facebook off of my phone in the past, the last few years I became addicted to the news...and Instagram...and checking my email.  One concerning consequence of the pandemic is that I’ve lost my concentration stamina.  If I start something, particularly work related, it only takes a few minutes before I feel compelled to get up and do something else, even just for a half minute.  Of course this breaks my rhythm of work and I’m unable to achieve any kind of flow.  And, worse, sometimes I find that I mean to do something, such as check the weather, but when I open up a tab to do it, I have completely lost what I meant to do when I opened the tab.  Scary!

With the start of the new school year, I intend to turn over a new leaf so to speak by approaching different aspects of my professional and personal life with an eye towards my well-being: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  The forthcoming journal entries will chronicle the conscious changes that I am making in order to foster more harmony in my life and a stronger sense of well-being.  Part of that will be my investment in activities that help me achieve a sense of flow, including but not limited to music, reading, and immersing myself in nature.

9/16/21

“Time In a Bottle”

As the school year has started, the typical looseness of my summer days has come to an abrupt end.  However, there are some benefits to the structure of my school days.  My body has started to adjust to my new routine, and although the school day seems to necessitate a routine, there are conscious choices that I’m making to build a healthy daily schedule.  I am up at 5:30 on weekday mornings and in bed reading by 10 pm, a major shift from previous school years in which I would stay up until 11 or later watching television before hopping in bed to fall asleep.  Although I’m still adjusting to this new routine (as the school year is still young), I am recognizing an easier relationship with waking up in the morning.  As noted in the course, avoiding screens before bedtime contributes to a better sleep and I am finding that I am waking up more rested and ready to meet the day.  

An interesting stressor at the start of the school year, before my body has fully adopted the new schedule, is my anxiety that I will somehow miss my morning alarm.  I’m the first one in the house who is up in the morning, and no one is coming to wake me in time for my early day if my alarm fails me.  Thus, the first week (or two) of the school year leave me sleeping lightly and somewhat anxiously.  I continue to add measures into my routine, such as meditation and muscle relaxation practices to help ease my mind.  Additionally, I have quieted my mind before falling asleep by acknowledging the things that I am grateful for.  This will be touched upon in more depth in a forthcoming journal entry, but there is tremendous value in gratitude.  Lori Santos, a renowned professor at Yale University who teaches the highly sought course “The Science of Well-Being,” acknowledged in an article for Newsweek Magazine, “Grateful people tend to be happier and show lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Health care workers who keep a gratitude journal show reductions in stress and depression. And people suffering from chronic pain who practice gratitude show improvements in both sleep quality and mood” (Santos). It has become an important strategy for me to ease the chronic stress and anxiety of life which gets exacerbated at the start of a new school year.  

With each day, it does become easier to sleep peacefully and I suspect that soon my eyes will open a minute before my alarm rings.  I am also pleased to report that rising before the sun comes up has been easier than in years past.  Typically, trying to get out of bed in the dark has always been difficult and miserable.  Of course, it may return to misery as winter sets in and leaving a warm bed is a shock to the system, but for now I am happy to report that the newly adopted schedule for this school year is working well.  

On a more professional side of things, I have been working on my planning as it regards daily obligations.  For instance, the adoption of daily to-do lists has helped me to stay better focused on items that need attention; efficient about tending to, and completing, those items; and avoid being frazzled like I have been in the past because the ideas bounce around my brain but have not been concrete since they aren’t visibly posted somewhere.  The morning ritual of composing a daily to-do list has really been beneficial for me.  An example of items that I’ve included on lists include: grade seven essays today, photocopy “Heroes” article, email Nina’s guidance counselor, drop two books in Mari’s mailbox, hit the supermarket with grocery list, and call the car dealership.  Furthermore, I’ve been diligent about staying on top of the “house calendar” to not only make sure that all family events are noted on the calendar, but also to consult the calendar every day as part of my daily routine to see what obligations members of the household have that day and in the near future.  This is an indispensable part of our lives and internal harmony.  For instance, my daughter’s “picture day” is tomorrow.  Since it is listed on the calendar, we can save ourselves stress and frustration by potentially being caught off guard that pictures are being taken tomorrow.  Heaven forbid my daughter arrive at school with no inkling that it is picture day, likely exacerbating her stress/anxiety because she feels unprepared.  These measures have been part of my process for winning back time and peace of mind.  

With that in mind, it is going to be a school long objective to work on organization skills with my students.  In particular, I have two sections of remedial sophomore English classes.  A good percentage of these students have IEPS or other individualized plans to help them be successful in their high school classes.  It is not uncommon to see a personalized modification that revolves around breaking down big concepts and keeping them on task.  For this reason, we’ve established a routine of taking out binders/notebooks at the start of every class period.  They need reminders, but it is with the purpose of establishing healthy and productive habits that they can carry with them for a lifetime.

9-19-21

“Love May Know No Bounds, But a Teacher Better Set Some”

The financial wizard Warren Buffet has been quoted, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."  While there’s probably a bit of overstatement to Buffet’s claim, one can’t deny that from an “American Dream” point of view that he is considered a success.  Thus, there must be some truth behind his words which reinforce the Module 3 concept of boundary-setting.  With the rise of technology, be it e-mail or Google classroom, students have greater accessibility to their teachers.  In fact, everyone has greater accessibility to teachers.  Compounded by the fact that part of last year was taught remotely, the boundaries of the school day almost ceased to exist.  Fortunately, the summer has been a quiet time to turn away from professional demands, but with the new school year upon us,  I feel it is going to be important to counter the feeling of always being tied to work.  For this reason, boundary-setting is going to be a priority for me.  My first concern is to establish that I will not be addressing professional inquiries/issues on weekends or days off.  Of course, this will be somewhat of a test at the start of the school year because I’m also conscious of the anxiety that arises when my inbox fills up with issues that need attention.  But branching off of the time-management piece of the puzzle, I hope to create effective solutions in my approach to time and boundaries.

When I started my career as a teacher, I recall a colleague noting that teaching is a twelve month job condensed down to ten months.  Thus, the school day doesn’t truly end with the last bell.  There is much to get done between planning, grading, and tending to all of the extra aspects of teaching.  Even as a veteran teacher, it is virtually impossible to complete all of my professional needs during school hours.  In fact, the demands of being a school teacher may feel endless at times.  This is why it is so important to set boundaries.  Granted, when you have children of your own, as I do, priorities tend to shift.  But, even so, most caring teachers yearn to give 110% to their schools and students.  The phrase that comes to mind when that happens is “slave to your work.”  This is a recipe for stress and potential unhappiness, so it becomes incumbent upon teachers to set boundaries and strike a balance between personal and professional life.  This school year, I feel I’ve done a nice job of making my nights and weekends sacred.  I use my time at school effectively and efficiently, shying away from distractions that keep me from being as productive as possible during school hours.  I have even established practices with classes that have helped in this regard.  For instance, I have designated Friday as an independent reading day for my basic skills classes.  While this is productive for them because it creates an environment that they can do sustained reading of literature that they choose, it also affords me time to catch up on grading and plan for the following week (which would otherwise be happening during my weekend).  The items that I am not able to get to during the school day are addressed during my time at home, but I believe that I am approaching it in a more thoughtful way.  On weekend mornings, I’ve been waking up early as my body adjusts to my 5:30 wakeup routine during the week.  So when I’m up for an hour before the rest of the house, I can attack the items that I didn’t get to during the week.  Needless to say, my approach this year has left me feeling a better sense of control over my professional duties.

9-22-21

“Shake It Off” 

Several years ago the topic du jour in school districts across the country was resilience or grit.  This was pre-pandemic.  As a concept, it hasn’t gotten the same attention as of late, but that does not undercut the importance of resilience and the tools we need to develop in order to persevere.  As noted in Module 3, a growth mindset plus stamina equals achievement.   As part of my journey to better living, particularly during the stressful pandemic, I have landed on, and dedicated myself to, several areas which follow:

Developing habits of self care and compassion for others

As we went into lockdown and found ourselves somewhat trapped in our homes, particularly during the fall and winter, it was easy to lose the habits of self-care that had been so natural in our daily lives.  I have consciously made an effort to develop better habits of self care since taking this course.  Namely, my diet and sleep have been areas of focus.  My daily diet looks something like:

-Greek yogurt with granola and fresh berries for breakfast

-A greens, apple, avocado, grilled chicken and blue cheese salad for lunch

-Apple slices, banana, flavored almonds, and/or pretzel & hummus for an afternoon snack

-Dinner varies, but is typically home-cooked and avoids red meat

Prior to this conscious change, I had no real dietary routine and I recognized the impact it was having on me physically and mentally.  I was leaning hard into sugar and caffeine; beyond the damage it was doing to my body, it was adversely affecting my sleep habits.  Now, however, committed to taking better care of myself, I am cognizant of the synergistic benefits of self-care, especially when times are tough.  

Another area of focus, and one often taken for granted in our well-being, is the power of authentic socializing with others.  While I was lucky to have a full house made up of my fiancee and our three kids which helped me not feel starved for close, authentic social interaction, I still was not feeling completely edified.  Making sure to nurture my relationships, especially with students and colleagues, brings a greater sense of gratification from meaningful interaction.  For instance, last school year, I noticed that one aspect of my school day that was glaringly absent was laughter.  Whether it stems from banter with colleagues or the shenanigans that carry on with a loose and happy classroom of students, last year punctuated how important laughter is on the psyche.  In fact, a line from one of my favorite novels, Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, emphasizes the deep importance of laughter when the protagonist, McMurphy, remarks, “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.”  While social distancing may have made us inclined to shrink away from people, so much has been lost by cocooning ourselves.  A tremendous part of our mental health is the release we get when laughing.  I have reinvested in that and it has led to the next area of well-being and resilience:

Building a network of positivity

As an extension of that investment into relationships is the support system of those who help to buoy me.  While we know that misery often loves company, we should also recognize that happiness is augmented through company as well.  One of the better pieces of wisdom that I ever found from a fortune cookie fortune was “Joy shared is doubled; grief shared is halved.”  (Does one need to create an APA citation for fortune cookies?  Ha!)  We certainly are better off building a mindset of positivity.  It can be infectious.  And although as the school year neared I was having grim thoughts about what was in store for us, my network of people which includes friends, colleagues, and even students have helped me navigate to a place of harmony.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and our brains can be unkind and counterproductive. And sometimes we lose our way which also takes a toll on our sense of being.  That’s why anyone will be better off:

Finding Purpose

Yesterday, I was catching up with my best friend from childhood.  I asked how his mother was doing since she retired three years ago from her position as an anesthesiologist.  My friend’s response was, “She’s deteriorating.”  Granted, this is a woman in her 70s, and time can be cruel.  (My fiancee told me last night that she saw a shirt for sale online that said, “My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.”) But the real point of my friend’s words is that once she lost her daily purpose of getting up at 5:30 and doing meaningful work, she became aimless and lost the person that she had been for most of her lifetime.  

Finding purpose is an important element to the senior curriculum I teach as the literature we read in my ELA class forces us to confront the universal themes of purpose and identity.  So much of self-understanding and drive derives from the things that we do.  

Perhaps the best figure to explore the value of purpose is the mythological figure of Sisyphus.  You may know him as the guy who rolls the rock up the hill.  That’s his identity, because that’s what he does.  He is suffering eternal punishment for angering the gods, and they have determined that there is nothing worse than this act of futility.  When Sisyphus completes his task and gets the rock to the top of the mountain, it just rolls back to the other side and he has to collect the rock again and repeat.  Ad nauseum.   However, the French absurdist writer Albert Camus examines Sisyphus as a representation of the everyman.  We all roll our metaphorical rocks only to watch those acts be undone.  We make our beds in the morning.  Wash our dishes.  Mow the lawn.  Go to work.  Day after day after day.  And ultimately, we suffer for no greater good.  However, Camus acknowledges that Sisyphus overcomes his torment if he has his own purpose to the seemingly futile act.  When he steps up to the rock with his own personal motivation, or purpose, then it’s not a punishment.  That’s the value of purpose.  

Fortunately, the profession of education naturally provides purpose as we invest in our students.  And beyond that, I have invested in music and relationships.   These areas of my life have certainly been instrumental in creating a sense of direction and happiness. 

Finally, I believe in:

Continuing to learn, experiment, and grow

Recently, a colleague noted how much she loved being a student and learning.  She pointed out that if she could be a student for the rest of her life, she would do it in a heartbeat.  I feel somewhat similar.  And one of the best aspects of being in the world of education is that I’m consistently being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking that have satisfied an aspect of my personality that yearns for knowledge.  

When the world came to a screeching halt in the spring of 2020, eager to quench my desire to improve my knowledge and skills, I found just what I was looking for online.  After some searches for guitar instruction on the internet, I stumbled upon a fellow with a channel on youtube that has been somewhat life-changing.  His avuncular disposition and clear explanation of guitar theory has helped me to become a better guitarist and feel a newfound confidence in my playing.  Upon reflection, I’m happy that I dedicated myself to improving my skills because it has paid great dividends and underscores the value of knowledge, experimentation and growth.

I feel lucky that a few of the ideas noted above are organically interwoven into the life of an English literature teacher.  

9-26-21

“The smell of gratitude” - Sensory Awareness, Attitude and Thankfulness

Yesterday, I stepped outside in the morning and immediately recognized that it was a glorious day.  An early morning autumn chill was in the air (my favorite time of year), and the sun dappled the earth through its magnificent golden rays.  Shortly after breakfast, the family hopped in the car and headed north to Warwick, NY.  When we reached our destination, my fiancee and the kids hopped out and spent an hour on an alpaca farm while I drove into Sugar Loaf, the neighboring hippie town.  There, I walked along the main drag in the middle of town and basked in the sunshine between dropping into the different stores.  After picking the family up, we drove back into town and had a delicious lunch before heading home mostly along back roads that traced the shore of a lake that crosses the boundary between NY and NJ.  It was sensational; the only thing that could have made it better is if the foliage had started to turn.  

Days and moments experienced, like yesterday’s outing, force me to return to the lyrics of Neil Peart whose words echo from his band, Rush’s, wonderful song “Time Stand Still”:

Freeze this moment

A little bit longer

Make each sensation

A little bit stronger

Experience slips away...

Experience slips away...

Time stand still

Of course, time doesn’t stand still, so it becomes necessary for us to savor the big and little moments of our lives.  Akin to the Scottish poet Robert Burns’ remark in his poem, “To a Mouse”:

 I backward cast my e’e,

       On prospects drear!

An’ forward tho’ I canna see,

       I guess an’ fear!

We are so busy worrying about our past and futures that we forget to live in the present.  With this in mind, I’ve been practicing the art of savoring.  Right now, as I write, there is the wonderful aroma of pumpkin muffins in the air.  This morning, I relished the hot water pouring down when I took a shower.  And even though I’m allergic to animals, I still felt and savored the buttery softness of the teddy bears made with alpaca fur that the kids got when they were at the farm.  

There are many areas of our lives to be more present and “tune into” in order to achieve a deeper appreciation for the present moment and increase our happiness and well-being.  And, following the advice from the Harmony course to spend time in nature, I find this to be the best time of year to do such a thing.  Thus, I have been spending extra time outdoors, smelling the autumnal air and savoring the beauty of the natural world.  Fortunately, I’ve had the pleasure of teaching Romantic writers whose ideology turned away from the harsh, cold logic of the Age of Reason and towards the wonders of the natural world and the emotions of humankind.  Several poems I teach underscore the value of nature; perhaps no poet celebrates the natural world more than William Wordsworth.  He characterizes the peace found in nature when he says in “Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey:

how oft—

In darkness and amid the many shapes

Of joyless daylight; when the fretful stir

Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,

Have hung upon the beatings of my heart—

How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee,

O sylvan Wye! thou wanderer thro' the woods,

         How often has my spirit turned to thee!

I, too, have looked to nature, both literally and figuratively, to counterbalance the “fever of the world.”  I will continue to do so, especially on these glorious autumn days.  And in times when I cannot be out in nature, my spirit can still turn to it and find some internal peace with recollections of how sublime Mother Nature can be. 

9-29-21

Crisis - “A season to build resiliency”

The subheading to this journal entry comes from an Edutopia article written by Jessica Cabeen, “How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions.”  It’s certainly an optimistic mindset in relation to times of struggle or outright crises.  Entering my seventeenth year in education, I could never have predicted what the state of education was going to be over the past few years if I had never lived it.  If we are to understand “crises” as events that cause us to change our routines and threaten our safety, the pandemic certainly fits the bill. 

I’ve had a few other crises since becoming a teacher.  The most recent one was a crisis wrought and then averted by Mother Nature right as this school year was beginning.  When Hurricane Ida swept up the eastern coast of the US, those of us in the metropolitan area had no real warning about the amount of water that the storm was going to dump on us.  At around 8:30 pm, I went into my basement to see streams of water pouring through the basement walls soaking the basement floor as the sump pump struggled to keep up with the quickly rising water table.  Ten years prior, I had a similar experience with Hurricane Irene.  (It dawns on me now that I must really take note when a Hurricane named after the letter I bears down on me that I need to be alert.)  The morning after Irene, I woke up to the items in my basement floating around like they were in a bathtub.  With Ida, I made a mad dash to remove the items from the basement that I could and tried to shift my thinking of helplessness to acceptance.  

You can’t fight Mother Nature.  Thus, I took solace in knowing that I salvaged the things that I could and to not fret about the things that I couldn’t control.  This is perhaps a difficult thing to do, especially in a situation like this as we are naturally conditioned to protect our abodes.  But the mindset is vital part of our wellbeing.  One of the moments from the course on Harmony that really resonated with me was the transference of anxious energy into positive energy.  Rather than feel confined by the heightened energy of anxiety, simply telling yourself “I’m excited” can have a real positive effect.  Certainly, saying “I’m excited” about a hurricane is a ludicrous connection, but attempts to assuage the mind can bear fruit.  In the middle of the madness as Ida was wreaking havoc across NJ, I made a conscious attempt to soothe myself and accept what the fallout was going to be.

From there we are able to learn and grow, and our resilience is definitely tested.  Although we may struggle and even suffer, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from our experiences.  Additionally, when we go through our own trials, we become empathetic.

Given the extreme negative impacts that trauma can have on individuals, especially young people, crises take on a more serious consideration because it’s not just the present crisis that needs attention; the ramifications for the long-term also need to be addressed.  Sometimes checking in is an important step to help others.  For that reason, I spent a couple of class periods talking candidly with my students about their feelings regarding the pandemic.  Not only was it eye-opening, it was also greatly appreciated by my students.  Quite a few students remarked that none of their teachers bothered to check in with them.  They carried on with business as usual, even though the students had bigger things on their minds than math or chemistry or history.  Since then, and with the endorsement of the Harmony course, I have made it a priority to emphasize and invest in the human connection with my students and the other people in my orbit.  

Although the course emphasized a distinction in the connotations of balance and harmony, I do believe that a conscious balancing of different aspects of my routines and choices has led to a more harmonious life.  The school year is off to a great start...a better start than I had hoped.  And, ultimately, I feel a stronger sense of well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cited Sources:

Burns, Robert. “To a Mouse.” Poets.org, https://poets.org/poem/mouse. 

Cabeen, J., 2021. How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions. [online] Edutopia. Available at: 

<https://www.edutopia.org/article/how-school-leaders-can-frame-tough-decisions> [Accessed 29 

September 2021].

Gilbert, D. (2021). Stumbling on Happiness: Think You Know What Makes You Happy? 

Alfred A. Knopf.

Kesey, K. (1672). Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Mass Market 

Paperback); 1989 Edition. Ken Kesey.

Rush. “Time Stand Still.” Peter Collins, The Manor, Oxfordshire, 1987. 

Santos, L. (2020, December 22). Laurie Santos, Yale Happiness Professor, on 5 things that will 

make you happier. Newsweek. Retrieved September 16, 2021, from

https://www.newsweek.com/2021/01/08/laurie-santos-yale-happiness-professor-5-thing

-that-will-make-you-happier-1556182.html. 

Wordsworth, William. “Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the 

Banks of the Wye During a Tour, July 13, 1798.” Poets.org, 

https://poets.org/poem/lines-composed-few-miles-above-tintern-abbey-revisiting-banks-

wye-during-tour-july-13-1798. 

[cowplantberry]

Chapter 7 

I had almost fallen a sleep when I heard a loud rustling sound. It almost sounded like dry grass, but that was impossible, seeing I was safe and sound inside my bedroom. I opened my eyes and it was too dark to see much. I reached for my lamp, but all i caught was air. Well this was weird. I sat up from what I thought was bed, only to see it was an old park bench.

I was so completely confused on where I was or how I had gotten there. It took me a few minutes to recognize it.

This just couldn’t be! It was my dream, but it wasn’t. This place was so cold and everything was withered and dead. I had never seen it look this way. It was awful. What in the world had happened here?

I ran for the swing hoping I would find Merlot waiting there. Instead I found the old swing all alone.

I took a few cautious steps closer and could see that weeds scattered the ground and everything had rusted over. Even the little silver statues. I knelt down before one to get a better look, in hopes that maybe the darkness was just playing tricks on me. I ran my hand along the top of the little cherubs head. Coarse just like I was afraid it would be. I could feel the disappointment creeping in.

I started to feel incredibly isolated. If only someone else was near by, maybe they could hear me.

“Hello?” I called out. “Is anybody there!?”

There was no response.

“Merlot? Are you here?”

Only the silence replied.

I dropped my head in despair, only this time there was no one to lay my shoulder upon. I was completely alone.

Unable to wake from the nightmare, I took a seat on the swing. I did not know what else to do. It seemed to be the only thing I could do make the uneasy feeling rolling around in my stomach subside. I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come. Only the stinging feeling right before. Such a horrible feeling with out the release that is supposed to follow.

What had I done? Was this the way my dream would be from now on? Empty, cold and alone. I shuttered at the sheer thought of it. No no it mustn’t be. I couldn’t stand the thought that there could be a possibility every night I may have to return to this horrible place. I screamed into night air.

“What else was I supposed to do!?! Besides its too late now anyways!”

Just then I heard a branch snap off in the near distance. I stood up quickly from my seat.

“Hello?”  I ran in the direction of the sound. I swore I could hear foot steps. I ran faster and faster, but I couldn’t seem to catch up. I followed the noise for a little while. I had hoped I could catch a glimpse of someone, but I never did.

All of a sudden the noises stopped, right in front of a large tree.

At first it seemed like all the other trees in its near vicinity. Old and tired, branches no longer showing any signs of life, but then I noticed nestled in the roots of the trunk a small bushel of beautiful pink and purple flowers. So amazingly vibrant they almost seemed to glow.

Was this a sign? A glimmer of hope. My last chance? As all these questions raced through my mind, I was interrupted by an incredibly loud *BEEEEEEEEP*

It seemed so loud, I nearly jumped right out of my bed. Heading back to reality, I realized it was my first work day of the week. The thought of this did not help the incredibly strange residual dread I was already feeling. I pulled on my robe and went to the kitchen to make some coffee.

As I sat enjoying my coffee, I couldn’t help but think about what Miss Bitters had planned for me. It was almost like a game now. I arrive and begin my daily routine, about 10:30 I get a phone call. She spouts off something(this seems to change from time to time) and I have to go and try and explain myself. I was so tired of this song and dance.

But I couldn’t stall any longer. So I finished my coffee, took a quick shower, got dressed and headed to work.

And as expected I received a phone call actually a little head of schedule. It was almost 10 Am on the spot when my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Uh yes Miss Floss in my office please.”

“Yes. Right away ma’am.”

I hung up the phone and sighed as I stood up from my desk. Here we go again.

I stood outside the beast’s office for several moments before I mustered the courage to enter. You can do this Fairy! I grabbed a hold of the handle and gave a loud knock on the glass.

“Come in.”

The door swung wide and I walked in. It was so silent I could hear the hiss of the door closer as it came shut again.

“You wanted to see me ma’am?”

She stood up from her desk and walked over to me.

“Yes Miss Floss. As of the last few weeks, your performance has been slipping more and more. I am afraid it is to a point, that I can no longer look the other way.”

When had she ever looked the other way?

“You need to seriously reevaluate your priorities here. If I do not see a vast improvement in the coming weeks, I will have no choice but to let you go.”

Oh that was it. This bull was going to stop, right here and right now. I was so angry I could barely see straight.

“Reevaluate my priorities!? OK let me just do that. I HATE THIS JOB!”

The look of contempt fell from her face as the look of shock took its place.

“You are the most insensitive and evil woman I have ever had the misfortunes of meeting. There is no reason to be so incredibly mean and heartless to your employees. There is no wonder why your office has the highest turn over rate in this whole BUILDING!!”

“Young lady you will watch your ton-”

“NO! You are going are going to shut your mouth and listen to me for once. I am done with this job. I am done with you. I will never do a single piece of paperwork for you again. In fact this is the last time you will ever see me. I QUIT!!”

I quickly and confidently turned and walked out. I never felt so liberated in my life.

I paused just outside her door. I couldn’t help but glare at her. I was feeling so incredibly intimidating I decided to take it one step further. I gave her the hairy eyeball stare for several seconds before I grabbed my things from my desk and left the building for the very last time.

[raging-violets]

Cadence Nash . . . let's plot-bend a bit. Nora's arrival in season 5. (I'm assuming she doesn't exist, in your flash and flame series?)

Actually...she does! That’s who Alexis is! I just changed her name and some of her background, because Barry and Iris aren’t together in my series. (If this doesn’t actually answer your question, I’m sorry! lol).

I actually have a bit of this scene written out already so I’ll copy/paste that in for you!

[Send one of my OCs + A Canon scene]

Barry stared at the ceiling, eyebrows pinched so tightly he was starting to get a headache. And yet, he didn’t move in fear of removing the arm laid gently around his midsection, hand brushing against his thigh. If he moved too much, he’d wake up Cadence, and if he woke her up, then she’d take one look at him and he’d have to explain why he had such a concentrated look on his face.

Especially when there was no explanation necessary.

He was a father.

Barry Allen was a father.

Not that he hadn’t been a father before, long before himself and others had realized it—Brady had certainly moved his way into his heart easily. Since first meeting the then eight-year-old in Jitters, who looked up at him over the muffin he demolished, only knowing Barry as his mother’s friend, and liked being around him long before he knew Barry was the Flash, Barry felt a sense of protection over the young boy that he’d quickly grew to feel was a son.

But, it was different to know he had a daughter who was, in fact, his. Especially when said daughter wasn’t supposed to exist yet. Wasn’t supposed to be known for a few decades. More importantly, the first thought that came to Barry’s mind was how was he going to explain her presence to everyone he knew and loved?

How much was there to explain when your future daughter appeared out of thin air—out of the future, from thin air—and said they were now stuck? Barry knew there was something a bit off about her when he met her at the wedding, saw his daughter for the first time and the way she grabbed his hand…

Barry gently lifted his head from his pillow, far enough to look at the ring that glistened on his left finger. Then he looked towards Cadence, who’s own finger was bare, save for the lightning bolt tattooed in its place. Nevertheless, as his wife lay on her stomach arm stretched across him, he could see the glimmer of the necklace around her neck, holding her ring.

Had it really been that long ago? He remembered it as clear as day, as if it were yesterday, as if nothing with DeVoe and his stint in prison had ever happened.

Inside the church, Barry paced, running his hands over his hair, muttering to himself. Just pre-wedding nerves. Jitters. Something that hadn’t struck him until the last five minutes. Everything needed to go perfectly. He needed to have good memories of something. Anything other than his being kicked from the CCPD and…DeVoe…and Demon…and…

“Sparkling water?”

“Excuse me?” Startled, Barry faced the waitress who stood behind him, holding a tray. She seemed to appear out of nowhere. Barry looked around, noticing the other guests all were holding onto glasses from her dwindling tray. “Oh, uh…” He hesitated. If food went through him that fast, a fact Diggle consistently wondered about, drinking too much wasn’t going to help before he got to the front of the church, either.

But he couldn’t get drunk, so that wasn’t much of an issue.

“I thought you might be a little parched,” The young woman said. She pushed her tray towards him, keeping a firm control of the pale liquid that sloshed around. “Jitters. Big day and all.” She gestured with her tray. “You’re getting married.”

“I am,” Barry agreed. He stepped back, eyeing her closely.

The young woman beamed. “Today.”

“Yes, I am. Today.”

The young woman continued to smile up at him. Her eyes sparkled, almost as if it couldn’t contain the mischief within her. Or she was laughing about something someone had told her before. Barry’s eyebrows came together. The young woman jumped at the change in his expression and offered the tray once more. “So, uh sparkling water?”

“No, uh, I’m good.” Barry waved her off. He quickly added a, “Thank you,” noticing her face fall.

Instead of going on to the next guest, the young woman continued to speak rapidly. Almost rambling. “Okay. So, uh, I’m really excited to be here. I mean, at a wedding. A-any wedding, it just so happens to be your wedding. But I’m happy. To be here. Today.”

Barry smiled a little. The energy and friendliness she exuded was unable to be ignored. She was already starting to make his nerves recede. “You…love weddings?” He guessed.

“I really do.” The young woman looked around. “I mean, this looks to be a little expensive for something of your guys’ taste. Not quite something I would’ve chosen for you. But, it’s still beautiful.” She chewed her lower lip, her smile growing wider. “I’m sure you’ll all enjoy it. You know, the whole wedding deal. Wedding day, wedding night…everything that comes with it.”

Barry could feel himself starting to blush, unsure if she realized the double entendre she managed to put into her words. “That’s cool,” was all he could manage to say, hoping no one around had the ability to read his mind.

The young woman blinked rapidly. “Not that I’m a weirdo or anything. I’m coming off weird, aren’t I?” She tapped herself on the forehead, as if reproaching herself. She sucked in a deep breath, shoulders slumping. Curling her fingers around the end of the tray she admitted, “I just love weddings. Some people call me a nerd for it.”

Her comment made Barry laugh. “Well, coming from the biggest nerd on the planet.” He gestured to himself. “I think it’s cool.”

“Thanks.” She smiled widely, obviously relieved. “I just…I don’t know. I feel like this is going to be one for the ages. I’m really glad I got to see it.”

Barry got a good look at her face. Something about her seemed to familiar. So much so, it was practically radiating off her. She looked to be an asian woman; no, he decided after a moment, biracial. Very youthful with hazel eyes that looked bluish towards the center. Her smile was wide, a mixture of what appeared to be shy and outgoing. She stood a bit shorter than him, about 5’6” if he had to guess. Hair hung low, past her shoulders in long waves.

“I…I’m sorry…” Barry tilted his head. Continued to watch her. Couldn’t shake the feeling. “Have we met before?”

“No!” The young woman jumped backwards. The sparkling water she carried threatened to slosh over. Both reached for it, but the woman expertly moved her hands and followed the momentum of the tray to keep it up. “No, I’m a complete and total stranger. So! Good luck up there.” She grasped his wrist, holding him firmly. Barry glanced down, feeling a tingling sensation run up his wrist. “Remember to say ‘’I do’.”

Despite his confusion, Barry managed to grin. “Have you been talking to Brady?” How many times had he been buzzing around him, pestering him to be sure he knew what he’d say for his vows?

“Not recently.” Once again, the young woman looked startled. Nervous. She dropped her hand from Barry’s wrist and took a large step back. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” She turned on her heel and headed to the nearest guest she could find.

If Barry were more naturally suspicious, he would’ve said something then. Asked her more questions, let him know he was onto her. Onto her about what? He wasn’t sure of at the time. But now…to know what she’d done? To know how many lives she’d put in danger? To know what she’d done to the timeline. Or what was left of it? How did he know he wouldn’t wake up that day and Brady was no longer a boy but suddenly twin boys? Or that he’d married Caitlin instead of Cadence and he hadn’t just finished some sort of an illustrious affair?

At the thought, Barry shook his head, sitting up. He raised his knees, prompting Cadence’s hand to drop from his lap, and he pressed his face into his hands. His cheeks were warm to the touch. He’d hoped he wasn’t getting sick from stress.

He replayed the conversation from before. How she, Alexis, his daughter, barged through the front door at baby Jenna’s party and explained herself, speaking rapidly and enthusiastically to Barry’s question of, “Who are you?”

Alexis smiled awkwardly at her father, placing her hand on her chest. She took in a deep breath to steady herself and said, “My name is Alexis. And I’m your daughter…” she looked to Cadence. “From the future.”

Brady nearly choked on his drink. He sputtered, turning to the side to spit a mouthful of soda to the wooden floor. Joe and Cecil were too stunned to reprimand him for damaging their floor. Brady sputtered, coughing before he finally managed to squeak, voice cracking, spitting it out and coughing hard. “You’re what?” He demanded, glancing at his mother, whose expression rivaled that of his step-father’s.  

“Okay, uh...” Alexis ran her hands through her hair. She closed her eyes, collecting herself.

Barry took the moment to looked toward Cadence, who looked back at him eyebrows lowered, lips pressed hard together. She was angry, he could tell. Not enough for smoke to come from her ears, but angry. Barry blinked in surprise. There were many things to be in the situation; shocked, confused, curious, but not angry. She took her eyes from her husband when Alexis continued.

“Let me explain.” Alexis searched the sea of confused faces, looking for a friendly face. When she found none, she cleared her throat, wringing her fingers together. “I’m Alexis Nash-Allen and I’m the fastest woman alive. Where I’m from, 30 years from now, I’m the guardian of Central City. I’m a speedster.” She smiled at Barry, a smile filled with pride. “Just like my dad. People call me Overdrive.” She then paused and shrugged. “Or Flash Fire.”

At that, Cadence raised an eyebrow. Barry looked to her again. This time she was less angry and more curious. No, Barry understood now. She was watching Alexis closely, trying to determine whether she was telling the truth. He could see his wife’s eyes gently and subtly flicker back and forth over Alexis’s face hoping to find anything that’d prove her to be untrustworthy.

Alexis seemed not to notice as she continued. “Every day, I hope to live up to the legacy of the Flash.” She shrugged once more. “But I’ve still got a long way to go.” Silence punctuated the end of her speech. She looked at the sea of faces once more, smiling, giggling nervously.

Finally, Barry broke the silence. “You’re our daughter?”

“From the future?” Cadence asked to make sure.

“Named Alexis?” Barry continued.

Alexis smiled and nodded.

“Does anybody need a refill?” Cisco’s sudden and loud question broke the stunned silence that followed her admission. He jumped when all eyes turned to glare at him. “Just me?” He squeaked. “No one else?” He practically melted into the couch as he slouched. “A-are you sure? Okay, just me then.” He got up from the couch and headed towards the refreshments. He paused, glanced at Alexis, and grabbed a bottle of champagne, pressing it against his lips to take on a large, gulping swallow.

Alexis, on the other hand, continued to grin around the room. “Cisco Ramon,” she gushed. “Always cutting the tension with a well-timed joke.”

Caitlin finally came from her deep freeze as she listened to the future speedster. “You know our names?” She asked, voice soft with confusion.

“Of course!” Alexis replied. “I know all of you!” She gestured toward Caitlin and Ralph. “Caitlin Snow, my mom’s best friend. Ralph Dibny, my dad’s annoyance.” Ralph turned to Barry with a look that read ‘Really, Rookie?’ while Barry simply opened and closed his mouth like a gaping fish. Alex motioned to Joe and Cecile. “Papa Joe, Mama Cecile, Little Auntie Jenna, Uncle Wally, Aunt Iris, and of course.” She beamed at Brady. “My big brother, Brady!”

Brady paled, looking like he was about to pass out. He turned to Cadence, who looked back at him, their faces screwed up in identical expressions of confusion. He turned back to his future sister, looking at her suspiciously.

“And your nickname is…Overdrive?” Wally asked. His voice sounded curious, but hesitant. Almost as if he were trying to test her name roll off the tip of his tongue.

“Uh, not really.” Alexis waved a finger in the air. “I mean, it is. Sort of. Overdrive is what some of the people of Central City call me. But some others call me Flash Fire…after my mom,” Alexis said, casting Cadence a look out the side of her eye. “Because I’m also a fire meta.”

Caitlin’s head jutted forward at the casual comment. “I’m sorry, what? A what?”

Barry lifted his hand to cover his mouth, then let out a sharp breath, running a hand through his hair. A speedster and a fire meta. A meta-hybrid. The first they’d ever come across. Just as Brady was the first half-meta any of them knew about.

Alexis ignored Caitlin and continued. “And, well, Overdrive makes sense. It’s sort of a nickname you guys gave me. Because, I always move so fast. I always move in overdrive. I’ve always been like that, overdoing things, getting in over my head.” She twisted her mouth to the side, kicking at the floor. “Like, recently. Like, when I helped you break, the STAR Labs satellite last night.” Barry’s eyebrows as his eyes widened. “I just couldn’t help myself from getting involved. But something happened when I did, because I can’t seem to go fast enough to open the speed force.”

Ralph loudly, made a disgusting sound that, maybe, could’ve sounded like someone clearing their throat. Jenna whimpered, her face scrunching up as Cecile quickly started to bounce her. Hoping to soother her cries. “Are we talking about actual time travel here?”

Iris groaned, tilting her head back. “Do you not ever pay attention to our briefings?” She demanded. “Even once? Even a little bit?”

“Wait a minute,” Wally interrupted. “You didn’t teach him about the Legends?”

“No one said anything about time travel,” Ralph pointed out.

At that, everyone started to speak at once, their voices rising over each other’s as they tried to get answers from each other and simultaneously ask questions. All the while, Alexis stood off to the side, smiling awkwardly, intermittently waving her hand and trying to raise her voice over the din that broke out.

It wasn’t until Jenna started to cry that everyone started to calm down. Cecile quickly leapt to her feet and left the room, bouncing Jenna up and down in her arms, cooing quietly as she went.

Alexis clenched her teeth as she grimaced. She waved her hands. ‘I’m sorry, I know how bizarre this must seem meeting your daughter from the future as an adult.” She turned back and forth from her parents to her brother as she spoke rapid-fire. “It wasn’t my plan at all. But I’m kind of stuck here now, and you’re the only ones who can help me so…maybe you know what to do?”

If we knew what to do, we wouldn’t be in this mess, Barry thought. Every time I’ve ever time traveled, I’ve never been stuck there.

“You’re forgetting about Flashpoint.”

If it were any time before, Barry would’ve been startled by Cadence suddenly speaking, voice soft with sleep. But since their powers merged, they’d seemed to read each other’s mind. Not to say it was an actual ability they had, but the hard work that’d paid off after having had to learn how to work together again once Barry’d come back from the Speed Force. A quick look in the heat of battle conveyed a game plan that they’d follow to the T. They didn’t have to look at each other before flinging themselves off a roof or into a dangerous situation knowing the other would be there in that split second of free fall.

They were a unified front, and in that moment, as Cadence turned and rested her chin on her cheekbone, pressing her elbow into her pillow, he truly felt it. He didn’t have to say anything about Flashpoint out loud, didn’t have to mention any of his thoughts about Alexis and the future, and yet she knew everything he was thinking.

“Flashpoint’s the only time you’ve ever been stuck somewhere,” Cadence reminded him. “Future or past.”

“That was by choice,” Barry reminded her. He took in a deep breath. “I decided to stay. Where things were…” he trailed off, thinking of the best way to explain himself. “Different,” he finally decided. Different, because, both of his parents were alive. He had the life he wanted. And, all the same, it was one of the worst lives he could ever had. His friends weren’t his friends, the love of his life didn’t know he existed, his powers were starting to fail. And the only way he’d gotten back was from trusting the person the hated the most in the world.

“Right,” Cadence agreed. Barry’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Cadence let out a quiet sigh through her nose. She looked away for a moment. “I’m just saying it sounds weird.”

“What does?”

“All of it?” Cadence shrugged. “That she’s our daughter, that she’s from the future, that she’s stuck here. It all doesn’t make sense.”

Barry’s eyebrows furrowed even further. He looked her in the eye, searching for an explanation. She looked back at him. Silently prompting him it was his turn to speak his mind. He parted his lips, hesitated. Then rubbed at his eye. “Time travel is a tricky thing. Messing with the timeline…it can have some of the weirdest effects any of us, let alone a speedster, could imagine.”

At that, Cadence lifted an eyebrow. She slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, studying her husband. Almost in disbelief. “You believe that she’s stuck here?” Now it was Barry’s turn to shrug as he repeated, “Time travel is trick.” Cadence conceded that point, “Time travel is tricky, it’s dangerous, it affects a lot of things, but no one’s ever gotten stuck anywhere. Other than Eobard Thawne and the only reason he got stuck here was because his Tachyon device made it so he lost his connection to the Speed Force and it kept him stuck here. Alexis doesn’t seem to have that problem at all.”

“We don’t know that.”

“But it’s convenient, don’t you think?” Cadence insisted. “And you’re already saying she’s our daughter?”

“Did you see her? Yellow lightning like mine, a fire trail like yours? It’s definitely her.”

“But?”

“But, I agree with you, I think we need to send her back to her time.”

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Better Living Through Surgery: Life with Less Cancer!

[Originally posted August 13, 2020]

Hello from Penn Hospital!

Not to worry - I haven't been here the entire time since my last post, although I did end up spending an entire week in the hospital. Right now I'm sitting in the outdoor section of the cafeteria, which might be a mistake given that I'm not allowed to eat anything until after my CT scans at 1pm. The CT scans are part of my preparing to resume treatment for the rest of the cancer that's still in my body. The last time I had chemo was June 23rd and I've now hit the sweet spot of being a month past my mastectomy (so, mostly recovered) and out of other treatment long enough that I'm not suffering side effects any longer. It feels...almost like I don't have cancer at all.

Two Surgeries for the Price of...Two!

Let me back up a bit to the surgery though. I'd like to report that everything went totally smoothly...and it sort of did! Except that I had to have two surgeries because it also sort of didn't. As usual, what happened to me was super rare (less than 1% of cases!) and I would like to submit a formal retraction of any wishes I had to be exceptional. I've read "The Monkey's Paw." I know to be careful what I wish for. (Although, actually, I'm lying because I still plan to be the exception to the median life expectancy of those with my particular type and stage of cancer. If I have to be in the 1% of cancer cases it ought to be a good thing at least once.)

I had two surgeons for the two parts of my first surgery: one for the mastectomy (removing that incredibly stubborn initial tumor) and one for a "flap reconstruction," which used my own tissue (from my stomach - free tummy tuck!) to build a replacement. When they do that second part, they also take a blood supply so that a substantial part of it is vascular surgery. The reason that the reconstruction ever fails is if something goes wrong with the blood supply. If that happens, it's nearly always (99% of the time!) within 24 hours. What happened in my case was that everything went well with the surgery, even though it took about 7 hours, and I was recovering well and quickly. I was set to go home after my third night in the hospital (so, on Thursday).

Overnight on Wednesday, however, something went wrong with the blood supply. The new tissue was filling but not draining. What they later learned, once they rushed me back into the OR, was that the vein in it had a blood clot. They were able to fix it by taking a vein from my ankle to replace it. So basically that reset the clock on my recovery so that I ended up having to stay an additional three nights, going home on Sunday. (My initial surgery had been on a Monday.) It's actually extremely lucky that I was still in the hospital, despite how sad I was at having to stay. If I had been at home, far away from experts and surgeons, the tissue probably would have died and the reconstruction would have failed. It was a close thing since I was set to go home.

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital doesn't need a reminder of how, despite everyone's best intentions it is pretty terrible. I hadn't spent a night in the hospital since I was a newborn, despite all my various treatments, so I didn't know. Now I do and I never want to go back. The hardest part is that they have to wake you up almost constantly for vitals and to assess how the blood supply is doing (listening for arterial and venus sounds). For the first day after each surgery this was every 30 MINUTES, then every HOUR, then finally (on my final night) every 2 hours. And I'm the kind of person who's AWAKE as soon as I wake up. So I essentially didn't sleep more than an hour at a time until the bitter end when a nice nurse got a nice doctor to give me some kind of sedative so that I was able to sleep through the checks. I don't have a kid, so let me just say that this level of sleep deprivation was like nothing I had ever experienced. I see why the CIA used it as a form of torture. I'm a veteran of being tired and of many different kinds of fatigue but never have I been unable to get into REM sleep for so long. I am eager to avoid it at all costs again.

I had been more worried about the boredom than the lack of rest (because, at least on paper, the hospital seems like a place where you would mostly be resting/recovering) and it was indeed very boring. I was SO tired that I wasn't able to really do anything like read a novel, knit, or even really watch TV. I did binge a few podcasts, return to some more "Buffy," and attempt to chat to my parents when they could be there. The COVID visitor policy made it even more isolating and lonely than it would usually be. I was only allowed one "designated visitor" per day so my mom and dad switched off on who that was. Visitors could only be in the room and, once you left, you were gone for the day. So, for example, it's not like my mom could say hi in the morning, pop out and get us lunch, and then come back. All visiting was consolidated for the day. That meant that I tried valiantly to be good company for a few hours, but I imagine mostly I was too exhausted to accomplish that.

I took laps around the hallway (in my mask), which was actually a big achievement especially given the four surgical drains that I had (and left the hospital with). It's amazing how quickly you can lose conditioning in your muscles...and also how exhausting it is for your body to have been, essentially, assaulted and be dealing with wounds. That said, I've been super impressed by my body's healing capacity. I got the drains out within a week for one set and 10 days for another. After that, it was much easier to feel like I was healing and returning to normal. I'll have to rebuild my abdominal muscles, since that part of the surgery involved cutting them (and a new hip-to-hip "smile" scar), and for now I still can't bend all the way over, stand up totally straight (did I ever?), or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (because of the reconstruction). I'll probably need some physical therapy, but the ability my body has shown to heal is incredible.

Also incredible is the difference it has made to my mood and anxiety. In the hospital, they kept asking me for my pain number (which is kind of a useless exercise anyway, in my opinion) and I kept sort of shrugging and saying "2? 3?" to their disbelief. After all, I had open wounds! I had two major surgeries! But the pain of the tumor itself (and especially of the fluid-filled cyst on top of it) had been constant, increasing, and worrying. The pain of the tumor had meant my treatment was failing me and that my cancer was getting worse. The pain of the surgery meant I was healing so I embraced it. I still get tired more easily than I expect and am sure that the recovery period for this is going to turn out to be longer than I anticipate. But it is a huge relief.

That Bastard Tumor

Now, sadly, they don't actually save your cancerous tumor for you to look at after the surgery. (Honestly sad about this. I wanted to look it in the eye!) But they did send it off to a pathologist. The results made me feel very vindicated in my persistent sense that something about this bastard of a tumor was just DIFFERENT (and worse). They found that it had areas in it that were metaplastic, meaning (essentially) that the cells are hybrid, aggressive, and chemo-resistant. Here's what Johns Hopkins has to say about it:

"Metaplastic breast cancer is a rare form of breast cancer, accounting for fewer than 1% of all breast cancers.  It differs from the more common kinds of breast cancer in both its makeup and in the way it behaves.

Like invasive ductal cancer, metaplastic breast cancer begins in the milk duct of the breast before spreading to the tissue around the duct.  What makes a metaplastic tumor different is the kinds of cells that make up the tumor.

When the cells of an invasive ductal tumor are examined under a microscope, they appear abnormal, but still look like ductal cells.  Metaplastic tumors may contain some of these breast cells, too, but they also contain cells that look like the soft tissue and connective tissue in the breast.  It is thought that the ductal cells have undergone a change in form (metaplasia) to become completely different cells, though it is not known exactly how or why this occurs.

Metaplastic breast cancers can also behave more aggressively than other kinds of breast cancers.

Metaplastic tumors are often, though not always, “triple-negative”, which means that they test negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors, as well as for the HER2/neu protein.

Metaplastic tumor cells are often found to be high grade, which means that they look very different from normal cells and are dividing rapidly.  

Metaplastic tumors are, on average, larger at diagnosis.

More often than in other kinds of breast cancer, women with metaplastic breast cancer can have metastasis (when the cancer has spread beyond the breast) and may be more likely to recur (come back later in another part of the body)."

Sounds familiar, right? I can tell you, it feels good to get that out of my body! I want to be clear, though, that it was only **some** of the tumor that was this nasty metaplastic cancer. It was, as I described it to the amusement of my surgeon, "like chocolate chips in ice cream." (Way less fun than chocolate chips, obviously.)

That is actually good news too, because it means that there's a pretty high chance that the metastatic sites are NOT this nasty form of cancer. It wasn't noted in the original biopsy back in January 2019, nor in the spinal tumor biopsy in Feburary 2019, nor in my biopsy from July 2019. Metaplastic cells are fairly distinctive so they would have been noted if they were there. At some point, metaplastic regions appeared in the bastard tumor, probably a reason that it stopped responding to treatments that worked elsewhere (including PARP inhibitors and the chemo/immuno combo that I'm currently on). If those treatments, or others, can work on the remaining sites that are NOT metaplastic it becomes much more possible to imagine living with this as a chronic disease. We won't be able to tell until I get today's scans and we see how the next 8ish weeks of treatment go. But still, I think cautious optimism is warranted.

Resting and Recovering

My parents were able to stay with me for another 10 days after I went home and it was so wonderful to have them taking care of me. It made me realize that, actually, I have done the bulk of this cancer treatment without that particular kind of support. I mean, I knew that intellectually, but the difference between having someone looking after me and not was something I almost couldn't fathom on an emotional level. They lived with me for the first 3 months after my diagnosis in 2019 but--thanks to how long was spent getting various tests and seeing doctors--that only included a few weeks of chemo. They would obviously have stayed longer--would be glad to drop everything and rush out whenever I want!--but it's been my choice to continue as much as I can with my "regular" adult life. Being forced not to try was actually quite a favor to me. I'm left with a lot of thoughts about how I ask for help, offer it, accept it (or don't), and how I feel about it. I'll save those for another time, though, and just thank both my parents and my wonderful and tireless group of friends for giving me their support in whatever ways they can.

It's almost time for me to go drink some delicious barium and get a CT (bringing me a couple steps closer to lunch), so I'll just conclude by saying that I felt so good post-surgery that I forgot, for a while, that I still had cancer at all. After all, it was that tumor that I could actually see and feel and that was causing me daily pain and anxiety. Taking it away felt like taking away all the cancer. But, of course, it's still there: in my lungs, my lymph nodes, my bones, and my liver. It's a systemic and chronic disease, but I do at least feel more like I've been given a fighting chance again.

Hope you're all doing as well as can be right now. Be well and be kind.

Love, Bex