#and the current most effective shield to arm with is a party more amenable to being later pressured into even more progressive policy

[sagechan]

this is something i've been thinking of for a couple days now, and i'm glad someone said it so well. "vote with your dollar" and "vote in an election" are not the same thing just because they both use the word "vote." both are forms of political action, but through opposite means. one requires withholding engagement, the other requires being engaged. get engaged, and vote. not voting doesn't accomplish anything except...not voting. when they count the votes for an election, they don't tally which ones were given gleefully, resentfully, angrily, or even tactically. they just tally the votes. and, see, the way it works is, whoever has the most wins. this isn't a company beholden to shares and stockholders that we can pressure into submission by withholding monetary incentive. this is an active infrastructure we affect in real time by using our one political too available to every single registered citizen in this country. fucking vote.

people think they shouldn't vote as a protest or whatever because they've been raised on boycotts. which do sometimes work.

boycotts deprive the target of money.

not voting does not deprive the government of money.

it does, however, deprive you of power.

it's not like a boycott.

[prince-noctisluciscaelum]

Best Laid Schemes

This was supposed to be something for Ignis’s birthday, but I forgot about it and didn’t start writing until day of, and now it’s taken me a week to finish. So I guess happy Valentine’s Day instead?

Summary:

Ignis was already feeling the drain of an overly-busy week. The last thing he needed was a kidnapping attempt the night before the weekend.

Right?

“He should be alone with Noctis for a while after picking him up from school.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. Wouldn’t want him slipping away before we can grab him. Though he won’t be easy to get the drop on.”

“I’ve got plenty of experience infiltrating secure areas. Besides, we’ll have inside help.”

“How do we stop him from fighting? You know he’s feisty. I’ve seen him fight, and even if he’s not a match for you, it’d be easy for one of us to end up hurt if we’re not careful.”

“We can hold Prince Noctis at knife-point. He won’t risk injury coming to his prince. That should be enough to prevent any struggles.”

“That’s risky -”

“I’m willing to take that risk. It’s the best chance we have to prevent a fight. I want you to do it.”

“Me?! Why?”

“Because you’re the most suited for it. And you should grab him. You’re the one he’s least likely to recognize.”

“And what do I do?”

“Damage control.”

~*~

Ignis waited by his car outside the front doors of Noctis’s school for the prince. The last bell had rung a few minutes ago, but Ignis was well accustomed to the amount of time it could take Noctis and Prompto to meander their way outside. As pleased as he was that Noctis had found a friend outside of his appointed retainers, the addition of Prompto to Noct’s life had not increased his punctuality.

He normally didn’t mind waiting for Noctis, as long as he wasn’t unreasonably late, but it had been a busy week, and he had a small stack of paperwork awaiting him back at his apartment that he really should finish before the weekend. So Ignis was confused but pleasantly surprised to see Noctis among the first of the students out the doors. He scanned the crowd for the excitable blond that was the prince’s chosen friend, but didn’t see him.

“Is Prompto not with you today?” Ignis asked as Noctis approached.

Noctis shook his head. “He went home early. Sick or something.”

Ignis frowned, opening the passenger door of his car for Noctis. “I hope you didn’t catch anything from him. You know how weak your immune system is.”

“Nah, I think it was food poisoning,” he said. He slung his backpack off his shoulder and slipped into the car, dropping the backpack at his feet. Ignis closed the door behind him and rounded the car to get into the driver’s seat. Noctis continued his explanation as soon as they were both settled and he was pulling the car away from the curb.

“He had a salad, as usual, and probably just didn’t pay attention to whatever the latest recall on leafy greens was. Yet another excuse not to eat vegetables,” he said, a note of triumph in his voice as though that paltry bit of reasoning was enough to make Ignis stop trying to get him to eat healthy. Ignis sighed.

“Well, I can assure you that I am not lax when it comes to these things, so you shouldn’t need to fear food poisoning from any of my dishes.”

~*~

Despite the paperwork waiting for him at his own apartment, Noctis had managed to convince him to stay for a few hours before heading home. It hadn’t taken much, as Ignis was almost always amenable to keeping Noctis company, and when that was on top of Noctis asking for help deciphering the latest batch of Council meeting notes Ignis had dropped off… well. If Noctis was finally willing to study those, Ignis would do whatever he could to encourage it.

He headed to the kitchen to prepare a light snack for them while Noctis slipped into his bedroom to change out of his school uniform. He hadn’t even decided what to make yet when Noctis called for him, a slight note of panic in his voice.

He immediately dropped everything, grasping at his borrowed magic in preparation to pull his daggers from Noctis’s Armiger if he needed them before dashing across the apartment to the bedroom. The door wasn’t latched, so he pushed it open and froze at the sight of a knife at Noctis’s throat.

“Ignis,” Noctis whimpered, his breathing shallow and fast, and part of Ignis’s brain, the part that wasn’t focused on the blade to his prince’s throat, was telling him that he needed to calm Noctis down or he was going to hyperventilate and give himself a panic attack.

He shoved that thought aside and tried to break out of his tunnel vision. The person holding the knife on Noctis was just small enough to use Noctis as a full body shield. There was no way Ignis would be able to reach him without maneuvering behind them.

No one had moved since Ignis had opened the door, so he risked taking a step into the room, hands up in a placating gesture. Noct’s assailant tightened his grip on the knife, pulling Noctis a step back to keep the distance between them.

“Why don’t you let him go and we can talk about what you want?” Ignis said, keeping his voice low and soft, nonthreatening. There was a small tremble in the hand holding the knife; this was no hardened kidnapper. He was probably desperate, inexperienced, and had somehow been convinced, most likely by an outside party, that kidnapping Noctis would help him in some way.

Ignis took another step, and Noctis’s eyes flickered to the side just as hands grabbed him from behind, shoving him farther into the room, and the door slammed shut behind him. Ignis lashed out, fighting against the hands that held him. He threw his head back, both feeling and hearing the crunch of cartilage as his skull connected with his attacker’s nose. He grinned sharply as that drew a startled, pained curse from the man, and he managed to wrench one arm free in his distraction. But before he could do anything else, his wrist was caught in an iron grip as the third kidnapper stepped into view.

“Stop, unless you want something to happen to your precious prince,” he said, his voice clearly modulated by a device hidden in the black ski mask over his face. Smart, really, as there would be little for Ignis or Noct to use to identify him if they managed to get away.

He was the tallest of the kidnappers, about as tall as Gladio, actually, and Ignis desperately wished the Shield was with them now. Ignis could generally hold his own in a fight, but he could never match Gladio’s raw power, and the numbers were not currently in his favor, even if he had broken the nose of the man behind him.

Ignis nodded, his eyes flickering back to Noctis and the blade at his throat. Noctis was tense, his eyes wide and his breathing still far from ideal, and the knife at his throat was wickedly sharp. Ignis let the fight drain out of him.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Your cooperation,” the third kidnapper said. Ignis assumed he was the leader. He released his bruising grip on Ignis’s wrist, transferring control of him to Broken Nose. His arms were pulled behind his back, and he didn’t fight as his wrists were bound, a little more gently than he would have expected.

“Any funny business and we take it out on His Highness over there, got it?” Leader said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder to indicate Noctis.

“Understood,” Ignis said, gritting his teeth. It was unusual for Noctis to be used against him, usually it was the other way around. He found he vastly preferred being used as the bargaining chip. He was going to have nightmares about that knife for weeks, no matter how this turned out.

Leader nodded, stepping closer to Ignis again to pat him down until he found his phone. He pulled it out, glancing at it before turning it off and tucking it into his own pocket.

“Can’t have you using any fancy emergency alerts, now can we?”

He sauntered across the room towards Noctis, pulling a small plastic bag out of his pocket. He stopped in front of Noctis and removed a damp cloth from the bag.

“Just to make escape a little more difficult for you,” Leader said, the smirk in his voice audible even through the modulation.

Noct’s eyes blew even wider than they already were, and he shifted on his feet, the knife at his throat preventing him from struggling more than that.

“No, please,” he whispered. “That’s not… that’s not necessary.” He started to shake his head, but aborted the motion with a wince.

Ignis surged forward on instinct, but Broken Nose grabbed his upper arms tightly, holding him in place. He made one attempt to shake him off before Noct’s attacker pressed the knife harder against the prince’s throat. Noctis’s breath hitched, and Ignis froze, forcing himself to relax into Broken Nose’s hold.

Leader pressed the cloth over Noctis’s mouth and nose, his other hand at the back of Noctis’s head to keep him from moving away. Noctis thrashed, screaming into the cloth, hands scrabbling at Leader’s arm for a moment before his struggles faded and he slumped down into the two kidnappers’ arms. The knife had been pulled away from his throat before he could cut himself on it, and Ignis found the presence of mind to be grateful for that.

Leader dropped the cloth and swung Noctis up into his arms, giving Ignis a clear view of Noct’s attacker for the first time. He was dressed the same as Leader, baggy black clothing and a black ski mask hiding any physical identifiers, aside from his height and general idea of build. Ignis was surprised that someone as short and slight as him had managed to overpower Noctis. He must have gotten the knife to his throat before Noctis had noticed him, effectively preventing any fight from happening at all. Perhaps he was more skilled than Ignis had originally given him credit for.

Shorty slipped the knife into a holster at his hip and pulled out a long strip of cloth. He stepped toward Ignis, and Ignis reared back, knowing exactly what that was for and wanting to avoid it for as long as possible. He stopped fighting when Leader cleared his throat, his head tipped meaningfully down towards Noct’s limp form in his arms. Even with Noct unconscious, they wouldn’t hesitate to hurt him to ensure Ignis’s cooperation.

He gritted his teeth and allowed Shorty to wrap the cloth over his eyes, tying it off at the back of his head. He hissed as a few strands of his hair were caught in the knot and yanked.

With himself bound and blindfolded and Noctis unconscious, it would be incredibly difficult to escape. He would have to fight his way out while hauling Noctis with him, and he didn’t think that would be possible. Any chance of escape would have to wait until Noctis woke up, and who knew how far away they would be before that happened.

Ice settled in Ignis’s veins as he realized that this was really happening. Up until now, it hadn’t quite set in, it had felt unreal, like the situation would turn itself around. Maybe the guards assigned to Noctis’s apartment would realize something was wrong and burst in, or Gladio would drop by, or the kidnappers would make a mistake and give Ignis or Noctis the chance to break free and fight them off. But now, as Broken Nose manhandled him out of Noct’s bedroom and through the apartment, guiding him just carefully enough he didn’t trip over anything, he was running out of time.

It would be so much harder for anyone to find them once they were moved to a secondary location, and Ignis shied away from the thought that they might be taken beyond the Wall. Insomnia was large enough as it was, so many places to hide, but it was still just one city, crawling with citizens, witnesses, even if not all would be willing to speak to employees of the Crown. Greater Lucis was so much larger, so much less populated, and with people far less likely to do the Crown any favors. And there was an Imperial presence outside the Wall, which frightened Ignis the most. If Noctis ever ended up in Niflheim’s hands… Ignis shuddered.

Navigating Noct’s apartment building while blindfolded was surprisingly easier than he had expected, even with the kidnapper’s hand on his arm. He supposed he spent enough time traveling the same path down the hallway, to the elevator, and down to the parking garage beneath the building. He was a little surprised, and concerned, that they had managed to get a car into the garage and somehow access Noctis’s floor of the building. Security on the building was supposed to be tight, considering the crown prince lived there by himself, and that opened the situation up to potentially involving an inside person. He wondered where the Crownsguard on duty were, and whether they were still alive or not.

Ignis was guided to a stop just as he heard a car door open in front of him. Broken Nose adjusted his grip on him to maneuver him into the car, one hand on the top of his head to prevent him from hitting it against the doorframe. He had a brief moment of considering making a run for it when the door was closed behind him and he wasn’t blocked in by any of the kidnappers, but there was no way he could, not when Noctis couldn’t run with him, not when he didn’t even know where Noctis was, and oh Astrals, what if they separated them?

He forced down the panic, it would do neither of them any good, and relaxed when the other backseat door opened and a weight that Ignis could only assume was Noctis was settled into the middle seat next to him, his unconscious body slumping over slightly to press against him. Ignis welcomed the comfort brought by his nearness, even if the circumstances were less than ideal. He wanted the blindfold gone, so he could see his prince, make sure he was uninjured and that they were not separated while he couldn’t see, wanted his hands free so he could run them through Noct’s hair to soothe them both. But he could do nothing more than lean his head to the side to press his cheek against the top of Noctis’s head, reassuring himself of his prince’s presence with the familiar brush of his hair against his skin.

A third person clambered into the backseat on the other side of Noctis, and both front doors opened and slammed shut. The car rumbled to life, and Ignis focused on tracking their route, comparing the time and distance between turns to a mental map of the area around Noctis’s apartment.

It soon became obvious the kidnappers were taking a convoluted, roundabout way to wherever their destination was. They had taken far too many turns that looped them back around, and unfortunately, the method was working. Ignis wasn’t sure at all where they were, only that they hadn’t gone nearly the distance their time spent in the car would imply.

Finally they stopped, and the sound of the car doors echoed like it did in the garage under Noct’s apartment. Another underground parking garage then, or a similar structure. Maybe a warehouse, and that thought sent a shiver down his spine.

Noctis was removed from his side, and Ignis bit down on his lip to stop whatever sound he might have otherwise made at the loss of contact with his prince. He didn’t fight as he was pulled from the car by the kidnapper he assumed was Broken Nose. He seemed to be the one in charge of handling him, and he didn’t see any reason they would have changed that up now. The grip on his arm was starting to feel familiar in any case.

Ignis was beginning to adjust to the strangeness of moving without his sight, though he was still grateful, as much as he could be, considering it was their fault he was in this situation at all, for the surprisingly patient help of the kidnapper at his side. He had yet to be jerked around, left to stumble or trip, or be allowed to walk into an obstacle for their amusement. It was oddly considerate, and it confused him.

He was herded into an elevator, if the ding of the door and the sudden sense of the closeness of the walls were any indication, which was confirmed by the following stomach-dropping upwards motion. The gentle elevator music made the whole thing feel like a scene from one of the bad action films Noctis and Prompto were so fond of. It was not a warehouse then, at least not a conventional one, and Ignis’s confusion only grew. They were likely being taken to an office space or an apartment, based on what he was currently able to gather about the building they were in, and he wasn’t sure what to make of that. Neither were conventional destinations for kidnappings, but at least he was confident they had not, at least yet, been taken beyond the Wall.

A short walk down a hallway and a keycard swipe later, and he was led into what he was now convinced was an apartment. Something about the layout of the building felt familiar, and though he knew most apartment buildings were similar, even the route he was guided through inside the apartment tickled the back of his mind.

Broken Nose pushed him down to sit on a couch then retreated as a new set of footsteps approached, too light to be Leader’s. Shorty’s maybe? Ignis tensed when they stopped in front of him, not sure what to expect now that they had apparently reached their destination, and he desperately wanted to know where Noctis was.

Gentle hands brushed against his blindfold before slipping behind his head to carefully untie it. The cloth was pulled away from his face, and he blinked up into Noctis’s blue eyes.

“Noct?” he whispered, confused.

“Hey, Iggy.”

“What…” He tore his eyes away from Noctis’s face to glance around at his surroundings and had to blink a few times before realizing that, yes, this was Gladio’s apartment. He was on the couch in Gladio’s apartment, Noct was conscious and hovering in front of him, Gladio and Prompto were behind Noct in baggy black, and good grief, was that Nyx Ulric? He’d broken Nyx Ulric’s nose?

“I must admit I do not understand,” he said, allowing confusion to be the dominant emotion. He would deal with the relief and anger after he understood exactly what had happened.

“We kidnapped you,” Noctis said, as though that explained everything. He looked uncertain and suddenly wouldn’t meet Ignis’s eyes. “You’ve been overworking yourself lately, and we know you never take a break unless you’re forced to, so we decided to… force you.” He was mumbling by the end of it, picking at the hem of his shirt in embarrassment.

“So you thought that ambushing us in your apartment and getting yourself held at knife-point in front of me would somehow reduce my stress levels?” he asked, firmly reining in his rising temper. It wouldn’t do to lose his composure at his liege.

“We may have gotten… carried away,” Noctis admitted. “It’s not often you get to set up your own kidnapping.” There was a hint of a grin in the prince’s voice, even if his face was still deliberately remorseful. He sat on the couch next to Ignis and leaned around him to untie Ignis’s hands. Ignis brought his hands out from behind him and rubbed at his wrists. Now the great care Nyx had taken with binding his hands made a lot more sense. In fact, all of the strangeness of the event now made sense.

“Haven’t you had enough real kidnappings to satisfy that particular urge?” Ignis asked, exasperated. “If you’re so desperate for them, I could set up a few as escape training exercises.”

Noct made a face. “That takes the fun out of it.”

“I don’t know. I think I would find watching you be held at someone else’s mercy a lot more entertaining if I knew you were perfectly safe.” His retort was cutting, and he took a moment’s satisfaction at the flinch Noctis gave in response. The pleasure was immediately followed by regret. He couldn’t stand seeing his prince hurt, and that was the heart of his issue with this prank.

He took Noctis’s chin gently in hand, tilting his head up to get a look at his throat. Not a scratch, and the rest of the tension Ignis hadn’t realized he’d been holding onto drained out of him.

“Well, at least Prompto had the control necessary not to cut you.”

“Nyx laid a shield spell on the knife. It was perfectly harmless.” Ignis snorted. Of course he had.

“And the chloroform?” he asked dryly, arching an eyebrow.

The grin finally broke through onto Noct’s face. “Just water. Was I convincing?”

“Scarily so, Highness.”

“Was it too much?” Noctis at least had the good sense to look ashamed as Ignis glared at him.

“Undoubtedly so.” Ignis pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, reminding himself firmly that it would be treason to punch Noctis. He would have to content himself with making dishes with a much higher concentration of vegetables for the next few weeks in lieu of physical revenge for this stunt.

“I’m sorry, Iggy.”

Ignis sighed. It was difficult to stay mad at Noctis, especially when the boy was truly apologetic, but he wasn’t quite ready to let the whole situation go. Noctis was only one of four, after all, and each of them would need scolding. He ignored Noctis’s apology in favor of turning his attention to Gladio. Ignis had no problem being furious with him.

And himself, if he was being honest. He should have recognized the way Gladio moved, the feel of his grip on Ignis’s wrist. The two of them sparred often enough that they knew each other’s bodies as well as they knew their own. It had been smart to have Nyx be the one to handle Ignis, as he was the one Ignis was least familiar with save Prompto, but he, untrained as he was, would not have been able to restrain Ignis.

Yes, the whole situation had been very well planned, and if it hadn’t been at Ignis’s expense, in the guise of being for his benefit, he would have been impressed.

Ignis stood, relishing the flicker of uncertainty in the Shield’s eyes. He knew that outwardly, he appeared calm, perhaps appeased by Noctis and willing to let it all slide, but Gladio knew him well enough to distrust that. Remaining stoic in the face of highly emotional situations was an ability Ignis had developed early and thoroughly in his quest to be the best advisor and Hand to Noctis as he was able, and when his mask was up, even those closest to him had a hard time reading what he was actually feeling.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your role in this fiasco,” Ignis said, a levelness to his voice that belied his anger.

Quick as a viper, he struck at Gladio, his fist connecting with his cheekbone with a satisfying crack. Gladio’s head snapped to the side, and he let out a breathy laugh as he rubbed at his cheek. Ignis shook his hand out, the sting in his knuckles worth it.

“I guess I deserved that,” Gladio said.

“You bloody well did,” Ignis snapped. “This was incredibly foolish. You all are lucky the only injury sustained was Ulric’s broken nose. And you,” Ignis rounded on the Glaive in question. “You should have known better.”

Nyx managed a sheepish smile, made much more garish by the blood that he had not yet had a chance to wash off his face and teeth. “I never could resist a good prank,” he said.

“Of all the idiotic…” Ignis trailed off, not sure what insult he was intending to go for. He sighed. “You’re not to use a potion on that. You’ll let it heal naturally, and let that be a lesson. Now go clean that blood off your face. You look a horror.”

“Yes, sir.” Nyx sulked out of the room in the direction of Gladio’s bathroom.

The Glaive cowed, Ignis turned his attention to Prompto, who had pressed himself into the far corner of Gladio’s living room, his body hunched in on itself and looking absolutely miserable. He glanced up at Ignis but quickly averted his eyes when he saw Ignis’s attention focused on him. Ignis’s irritation faded a bit at the sight.

“Prompto,” he said, waiting until the boy looked up at him before continuing, “don’t let Noctis drag you into anything this reckless again.”

He ignored Noct’s indignant protest in favor of watching the cautious relief spread over Prompto’s face. Witnessing the tongue-lashing the rest of the group had received had frightened him badly enough, and technically Ignis had no authority over the boy, as he was still merely a civilian and not yet an official member of Noctis’s retinue. He would leave it at that and hope it would be enough to discourage any other activities of this nature.

“Yes, Ignis, sir, I promise. Thank you, sir.”

Ignis nodded in approval and turned back to Noctis and Gladio, clearly the instigators and ringleaders of this whole mess, with his hands on his hips.

“Now, since you went to all that trouble to get me here, what were your plans to make up for all the stress you just put me through?”

~*~

Several hours later found Ignis relaxing on the couch in Gladio’s living room, Noctis on his left and Prompto on the other side of the prince. Gladio was sprawled across his preferred loveseat, already half asleep, and Nyx had left a while earlier, citing early morning guard duty. Ignis had stopped him at the door and pressed a potion into his hands. As much vindictive pleasure as Ignis would have taken from the man having to answer questions about just how he’d gotten his nose broken, the safety of the Crown they were both sworn to protect came first. And Ignis had broken his own nose in training before, and it really was an unpleasant experience. There was no sense in making the man suffer needlessly. That he’d been willing to comply with Ignis’s original demand of letting it heal naturally had shown his remorse over the situation, and that was enough for Ignis.

Gladio had apologized profusely and presented Ignis with an entire case of Ebony, and Astrals take him, but that man knew how to bribe his way to Ignis’s forgiveness. He had also agreed to work up a couple mock kidnapping scenarios with Ignis to better train Noctis on how to escape them, and that had finished mollifying him.

The rest of the evening had been spent pleasantly with the sort of mindless entertainment that Ignis rarely let himself indulge in but the rest of them loved, and all manner of junk food that was frankly appalling. But at least the delivered pizzas had spared Ignis from having to cook dinner. Not that he ever minded that particular task.

Now they were all about ready to call it a night. Gladio had insisted that they all stay at his apartment, and considering Ignis’s car was back at Noct’s and walking across Insomnia at night could put them at risk of an actual kidnapping, Ignis was highly amenable to that, even if it meant sleeping on the couch. The fussy nature of the scars on Noctis’s back dictated that he would get the spare bed if they didn’t want to risk a flare-up, and while it was large enough for two, it would be nearly impossible to extricate him from Prompto. Nor did Ignis particularly feel the need to.

The two younger teens were curled up together on the couch next to him, as they often were, arms around each other and their heads pressed together as they talked quietly about the movie that had just finished, or whatever new game it was they were currently looking forward to; Ignis wasn’t paying close enough attention to follow their conversation.

Ignis had long suspected Prompto had been touch-starved before he started spending time with Noctis, considering his absent adoptive parents, and Noctis, as cuddly as he was, had been perfectly willing to soothe that ache, though probably unknowingly. Now, years later, it was a habit to sling their arms around each other, or link them together as they walked, or curl up into a single ball with too many arms and legs on the couch. It was just a natural part of their friendship, built in from the beginning, and Ignis was glad for both of them. They were good for each other, filling in the cracks left by neglect, intentional or not, from others in their lives.

Ignis and Gladio did their best, of course, to step in when the king was too caught up in his duties to the kingdom to spend the kind of time he wished, and Noctis deserved, with his son. But what Prompto brought to the table that none of the rest of them could was free will. Noctis was far more than just a duty to Ignis, and he tried to make sure Noctis knew that, but that didn’t change the fact that Ignis was oath-bound to Noctis and had been since they were children. There would always be an aspect of their relationship that was laid down in contracts and paychecks and responsibilities. There was none of that with Prompto, and Ignis was glad. Even if he sometimes found himself jealous, though he would slit his own throat before he would ever admit that to anyone.

Probably feeling Ignis’s eyes on him, Noctis untangled himself from Prompto and scooted closer to Ignis on the couch until he was almost pressed against his side instead. Ignis tried to ignore the way Noct’s bright eyes were gazing up at him from under the fringe of his hair and failed miserably. Sighing, he wrapped his arm around Noctis’s shoulders and pulled the prince in close. Noctis snuggled up against him, resting his head on his shoulder with a contented sigh, and Ignis smiled. All was forgiven.

...But Ignis was still making Noctis nothing but vegetables for the next week.

[razieltwelve]

SCP-5155: The Plush Toy (Final Empire)

Item #: SCP-5155

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedure: SCP-5155 primarily resides in a 9.1 m x 9.1 m (30 ft x 30 ft) room in Minimal Security Site 21. It is to be afforded full access to any items that it requests, and it is to be provided with contact with on-site personnel at its convenience. Contact with the children of on-site personnel is to take place on at least a weekly basis at [redacted]. Children are to be instructed according to Document 5155-A or 5155-B depending on their age and level of cognitive development.

SCP-5155 is to be kept informed of any and all events deemed relevant as outlined and discussed in Document 5155-C. In the event of major containment failure at any of [redacted], SCP-5155 is to be informed immediately and its schedule altered to allow for immediate deployment and mobilization. Anyone attempting to impede SCP-5155 from deploying may be subject to immediate termination.

In addition to its personal quarters, SCP-5155 is to be allowed access to the research facilities available on site, as well as any additional research facilities noted in Document 5155-D. Research personnel are expected to cooperate with SCP-5155 and to seek out its advice in any of the matters relating to [redacted]. Time is to be set aside each day for Foundation researchers to consult with SCP-5155 on other matters. This time should not be less than one hour each day unless SCP-5155 is currently deployed.

SCP-5155 is to be kept appraised of the deployments of [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]. Furthermore, weekly training sessions are to be organised with the aforementioned parties at a time and site of SCP-5155’s choosing. The primary objectives of each training session are up to SCP-5155 but are to serve the broader goal of improving the training, expertise, tactics, strategies, and overall effectiveness of Foundation operatives in the field.

Should SCP-5155 be required in the field, [redacted] and [redacted] are to accompany it whenever practicable. Personnel in the field are expected to obey its commands and directives, and SCP-5155 should be treated as the senior officer in any and all field engagements with the exception of [redacted]. SCP-5155 should not, under any circumstances, be allowed unapproved or unsupervised contact with hostile Keter Class Threats, as it will almost certainly attempt – and most likely succeed – to terminate them with extreme prejudice, regardless of the level of collateral damage involved (see e.g., Document 5155-E for a summary of several such incidents).

At no time should any personnel attempt to remove or alter the decorations in SCP-5155’s personal quarters. Of particular importance is the symbol on the far wall, which depicts what appears to be a snowflake with a rose in the middle. Any attempt to remove, alter, or deface the symbol has been met with extreme hostility. If personnel attempt to interfere with the decorations, SCP-5155 may become hostile and refuse to cooperate with Foundation personnel in any way shape or form for a period of not less than 24 hours.

Under no circumstances should personnel harm, or allow harm to befall, a child while SCP-5155 is present. SCP-5155 has demonstrated a willingness to use extreme force to secure the safety of children and others it considers innocent of wrongdoing.

Description: SCP-5155 is a plush toy roughly 30 cm (1 ft) in height. Although its appearance is heavily stylised, it seems to have been made in the image of a pink-haired woman with blue eyes who wears a white outfit and has a red cape. SCP-5155’s usual expression is a scowl or a glare although it has occasionally be seen to smile, most often in the presence of children.

SCP-5155 is extremely intelligent. It claims to have assimilated the contents of the entire Internet in a matter of minutes, and it has demonstrated an immense level of understanding in a range of different fields from science and technology to art and psychology. It has the ability to design and construct devices that utilise technology far beyond current human capabilities. Present estimates of its computing power suggest that it has abilities exceeding the combined computing power of the world by at least several orders of magnitude. SCP-5155 is capable of interfacing with any and all currently known computer systems. Furthermore, it can access any and all existing networks, regardless of security or location. In practice, it has access to any information currently stored in a digital format within its range. Its maximum range is currently unknown, but it is at least large enough to encompass the entire planet.

Although SCP-5155 appears to be extremely cuddly, it is actually composed of a substance with highly variable properties. Testing has revealed that SCP-5155 seems to be completely impervious to all presently known forms of physical, chemical, biological, and energy-based attack. Tests using reality-warping or psychic SCPs suggest that it has similar levels of immunity to those vectors of attack as well.

Apart from being able to alter its body into various other shapes (e.g., turning its arms into blades), SCP-5155 has access to a subspace pocket of unknown size. Contained within this pocket are a tremendous variety of weapons. During testing and fieldwork, SCP-5155 has shown no hesitation in naming and explaining the approximate properties of its weapons, claiming that humans lack the technology to reproduce them.

The current list of weapons known to be available to SCP-5155 is as follows:

Plasma weapons

Rail guns

Ballistic firearms

Warp weapons

Matter decomposition weapons

Photonic-kinetic weapons

Fusion weapons

Anti-matter weapons

Singularity weaponry

EM weaponry

False vacuum weaponry

Hyperdimensional weaponry

Reality altering weaponry

In addition to its immense durability (SCP-5155 has yet to be observed taking damage), SCP-5155 also has access to a broad variety of defensive measures, many of which can be deployed from its subspace pocket. These defensive measures appear to be counterparts to its offensive weaponry, and SCP-5155 has stated that despite its formidable arsenal of weapons, it is actually more adept at defence. These claims were verified when it shielded the entire planet from a bombardment launched by SCP-2399 before destroying the other SCP with its retaliatory strike. Of particular note is that SCP-5155 was able to do this while sitting on the lap of a child and showing no visible signs of effort or strain.

Based on data derived from the aforementioned incident and other field and laboratory tests, it is difficult to ascertain the true scale of SCP-5155’s strength. Suffice it to say, it could easily wipe out humanity if it was so inclined. Following the incident with SCP-2399, SCP-5155 was briefed on [redacted]. [redacted], and [redacted], and it agreed to intervene should any of those occur. It has also agreed to help in containing SCP-682 should it ever escape containment.

SCP-5155 is capable of speech although it seldom talks unless necessary. It is also capable of flight as well as teleportation (range currently unknown), and it can move through any medium (e.g., water, mud, concrete) with equal ease. Although it has yet to demonstrate, SCP-5155 claims to be capable of superluminal travel. When not otherwise engaged, SCP-5155 will typically commandeer the lap of nearby personnel for at least 15 minutes. SCP-5155 shows a preference for the laps of women or children. SCP-5155 may also ask to be carried around like a regular plush toy, and personnel are advised to comply. 

Document 5155-F: SCP-5155 was discovered after preventing the kidnapping of a child by an instance of SCP-1788-1. Foundation personnel approached SCP-5155, and it proved amenable to communication, explaining its situation and acting as though it had full knowledge of the Foundation’s purpose and objectives. Given what is now known about its abilities, it is entirely possible that was the case.

After agreeing to accompany Foundation personnel to an interview, SCP-5155 provided more details regarding its situation. It claimed to have been created by a multiverse-spanning empire of unparalleled might and glory, which it referred to as the ‘Grand Empire Alliance’. 

According to SCP-5155, it was in transit when it encountered a massive dimensional anomaly that left it stranded not far from the park. It further claimed that it was already familiar with Earth, albeit not this version of Earth. Upon further questioning, it elaborated, stating that the Grand Empire Alliance encountered its first version of earth thousands of years ago before encountering other versions of Earth during its expansion throughout the multiverse. However, SCP-5155 claimed that this particular version of Earth was not currently mapped or known to its creators.

After a demonstration of its abilities and consultation with the O5 Council, the decision was made to broker a deal to secure the assistance of SCP-5155. Although SCP-5155 claimed to be able to open a portal back to its home dimension, it stated that it could not do so for moral reasons since opening such a portal would lead to the destruction of our universe. Instead, SCP-5155 would help the Foundation in exchange for help in acquiring the resources it required to construct a less dangerous portal.

Of particular interest was the reason SCP-5155 gave for why its portal would do so much damage. It suggested that the fabric of our universe had already suffered substantial damage due to the intervention of several higher-dimensional beings. Although SCP-5155 could not name these beings, it was able to provide descriptions of their abilities based on the damage its scans had detected. The descriptions it provided matched almost perfectly with [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted].

After being informed that some of these beings were still present, SCP-5155 calmly stated that it would rectify that before leaving. To date, SCP-5155 has already eliminated a number of existential threats and has developed plans to deal with more.