#and the cbc commentators are great too

[prismaticpastry]

Olympic breaking is fucken rad as hell

[caffichai]

Food Bank Fundraiser

Hi everyone!

First of all, I want to say thanks to everyone who's been leaving such nice tags/comments on stuff I've posted! It's been really encouraging (o^▽^o)

Anyway, I think we all know it's very dark days on the economic front for many of us. So as such, I'd like to help raise some funds for Food Banks Canada! In exchange for you making a donation to the food bank, I will draw a character suggestion!

I know this is not really the sort of thing I normally do or post here but... many folks are struggling to put food on the table right now, and the food bank is a source of support for many and provides an absolute necessity. I've seen many people struggling in my own city, and food security has become an even bigger issue than it already was in the last couple of years with the food bank struggling to keep up with demand. Of course, food security is an issue across the whole country that's putting a huge strain on food banks, with nearly 5% of the entire population making use of food banks monthly, and 23% of the population reporting food insecurity (CBC, 2024; Global News, 2024). Unsurprisingly, those who are already most disadvantaged suffer the effects of food scarcity even more (Statistics Canada, 2023). To make matters more desperate, Canada's food bank system is on the brink of collapse (CTV News, 2024).

I know this isn't going to something big enough to change the world or anything, but being able to make even a small impact for individual people is important too!

✨Incentives✨

Of course, I'm sure people aren't just in it for a reward, but rewards make things all the sweeter, right?

For those who want to contribute, I'll take a character suggestion and add it to a poll (depending on the number of contributors, it may be split up into multiple polls), and then I'll draw as many as I can from top to bottom ranking! If you contribute, please send me a DM with your donation receipt and your character idea! They won't necessarily all be drawn in the same style, and they'll be done according to how much time I've got. (I know that commissions are probably the biggest incentive, but realistically, I struggle to get them done quickly and they're probably not that affordable to everyone)

If you prefer SFW or NSFW, you can let me know (But NSFW will be posted to Cohost). If you make a bigger contribution, I'll reach out to you and ask if you wanna see more specifics/details in your piece. How's that for sweetening the pie? :3

For those who can't make a donation (which is completely understandable), simply spreading the post is also helpful, and I appreciate that greatly as well!

Don't forget that giving a donation allows you to get a tax break based on the amount donated as well!

Alternatives?

If you'd rather donate to your own local food bank, that's great too! You can DM me and send me a pic of your receipt and I'll still add your suggestion to the poll.

If you REALLY want a commission, you can also DM me and I'll do my best to fulfil it! I won't be taking commissions for this till/if there's at least a couple of items on the poll though. The proceeds will go to my own local food bank. The commission will be done later though, and may take some time to fulfil. I take payment only after starting.

When do we start??

I guess once there's a good number of poll options? I have no idea how long that will be, but rest assured I'll keep you updated!

Where do we contribute?

You can make your donation to Food Banks Canada! They really need it!

Alternatively, you can make a donation to your local food bank or equivalent charity.

Other Questions?

Feel free to send me a message or an ask! I'll get back to you ASAP. If I need to include more details or clarify something, let me know! It's my first time doing this!

TL;DR

I want to help raise money for food banks! Anyone who contributes to Food Banks Canada (or donates to their own local food bank or equivalent charity) can DM me with their receipt and give a character to add to the poll. Poll characters will be drawn in order of their ranking, as many as I can manage, over as long a period of time as I can manage!

No pressure to donate of course, I just figured this would be a fun way of raising a bit of money to help out, and allow us to donate more than what I personally can

Current Contributor Count: 13

Suggested Characters:

Imagine your beloved, obscure or popular character here on this poll list! Oooooooh, how lucrative :3

Total funds raised:

780.36$!!!

[thelambliesdown1974]

I posted this is comedy yaoi but actually I need everyone to see it because I’m an educator. In lieu of the mass grief following the recent US election here’s my complete unabridged opinion piece on both the RPF and character-based SCTV yaoi-verse✊

Okay so here’s my introduction paragraph for those now in the know — second city television was a sketch comedy show that ran from ‘76-84 originally in syndication, later on CBC and NBC. It was basically the Canadian ‘underground’ version of SNL except the framing for all the skits was a fictitious dysfunctional television station (SCTV) run by a handful of recurring characters and starring Dave Thomas, John Candy, Catherine O’Hara, Eugene Levy, Joe Flaherty, Andria Martin, Rick Moranis, and Martin Short though in various combinations over the years. Oh and also Harold Ramis but only for the first two seasons so no comment.

I’d say Flaherty was kind of the big brother for everyone else in the operation— he was in the original theatre troupe and part of the show since day one. That’s not to say he was at all authoritarian though, Joe was definitely a soft spoken democratic leader. Maybe like Woodrow Wilson. Or Dumbledore, if that’s more relevant to you personally. I wouldn’t say he has any particularly strong yaoi ties to anyone else in the cast except I guess Eugene Levy since they were kind of each other’s creative muses. HOWEVER…. in terms of SCTV characters their respective newscaster personas Floyd and Earl are undoubtedly boning in a toxic nasty way on station property and probably are also the #1 SCTV couple in a Stefon and Seth sort of way (see below)

I almost forgot they also play classic 70s talk show hosts and there’s a lot of fan-fiction about them getting each other pregnant okay that’s all.

NEXT. John Candy was also one of the original members and while he wasn’t necessarily involved in either type of yaoi, his characters were integral in giving especially season 1 a very homoerotic flair. It was mostly his washed up actor-sona Johnny LaRue constantly and publicly struggling against the gay allegations since his segment in the very first episode. While trying to find that clip I actually instead found this SCTV Reddit image with a poorly overlaid huge Ariel caption that I like better. (See below)

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Catherine O’Hara, I think she was too self respecting both on screen and irl to get involved but I love her. She wrote a lot with Joe and Eugene so they were kind of like a platonic power throuple in my awesome mind. Andria Martin…. I am less sure about. She played the butch lesbian A LOT and I think has confirmed actually had sex with another woman (YURI) but I won’t say anything……. See below. Also interesting photo to use for that particular article.

NEXT….. Okay Dave Thomas, I really am not even sure where to begin with him but he was also one of the chief writers and original troupe members who ended up meeting Rick Moranis and bringing him on in season 3. The whole thing was partly his brainchild and he did author a book on the group’s history however I don’t see Dave as being as serious as Levy or Flaherty writing and production-wise. He’s kind of very theatre guy goofy silly on screen but also has an aura of sociopolitical jadedness that starts coming through in his Bill Needle sketches (a fictional miserable entertainment critic slash commentator I’ll discuss later) but especially once Dave started doing Doug McKenzie after Moranis joined.

They met at some comedy-based party in Canada (the gayest place you can meet) and really hit it off and immediately preformed as a musical duo that night (the gayest activity you can partake in. It’s like Simon and Garfunkel). Rick was kind of the new kid of the group after he was brought on but since Dave was a senior member they ended up working together a lot. The Great White North AKA the McKenzie brother skits are for sure no question what made SCTV anywhere near as well known as it is today and that was Thomas and Moranis’ comedy child. Okay and you might be thinking ‘how are they the most real life yaoiful couple on the cast but also are famous for playing brothers’ — that’s a good question and the answer is just don’t think about it too hard. I think Bob and Doug are more a testament to Dave and Rick’s day 1 original pure beautiful friendship that then laid the path for more later on. Like in this except from Dave’s book ⬇️

Anyway yes they’re 70 year old best friends now and still talk on the phone all the time and it’s awesome. But they were probably the closest out of anyone and both had to simultaneously deal with their sudden and overwhelming joint fame after Great White North blew up, which was unpleasant for both of them and involved a lot of travel and hotel rooms. (See below: an interview photo, their radio appearance promoting their comedy album, and whatever’s happening in the last one. Also notice how Dave’s face is a perfect circle he’s so cute)

Okay circling back to Bill Needle — he was a character Dave started doing in early on that went on until he left the show and he’s kind of irrelevant except for a few yaoiful details. He’s constantly having marital problems and has a weird friendship with the sleazy semi-creepy SCTV station president Guy Caballero whom Flaherty plays, and would I say they’re OFFICIALLY a yaoi couple not really but it’s there.

But yeah anyway in conclusion Rick and Dave show up in a bunch of each others sketches throughout the series and they write together and talk together and have play dates together and kiss and everyone else on SCTV absorbs their faggotry either by free will or by association and I think that’s what’s really important to remember and also I love them and I love you too. Oh and also Martin Short’s there near the end but he’s irrelevant except for inventing Ed Grimly and being Steve Martin’s de facto wife later in life. THE END

[sunshinerapmonster]

The Saregeant's Daughter - Chapter Four Madeline

"Incoming!" Maggie yelled.

"A 35-year-old male was found down in his kitchen. Hypotension at 80 over 40, rate 134, only responsive to pain" the male emt said as he followed Maggie.

"All right, you're going to treatment four. Dr.Rhodes, can you get this, please? We're slammed" Maggie said looking at Conner.

"I'm on it. Sanchez come with me" he said, calling me over.

"Ready?"

"One two three"

We moved him from the Stretcher onto the bed.

"All right let's get him hooked up. Prep a saline line. We're gonna need another one wide open." I said looking at the patient.

"O2 says are 85 and dropping," April said looking over at the monitor.

"What's happening to me?" The male patient said.

"We're gonna find that out, we're gonna intuba," Dr.Rhodes said putting on his stethoscope and listening for his heartbeat.

"Give me a 7.5 ET tube, 20 of etomidate, and 1 milligram per kilo of rock," I said, fixing my black stethoscope around my neck.

"Septic shock?" April asked as she patted the patient's legs.

"Maybe, but we need to find a source," Rhodes said looking over at April.

"Your respiratory muscles are weak. I'm gonna intubate you so that they can rest." I said looking at the patient.

"Give him 3 grams, Unasyn. Send for a CBC, CMO, coags, and lactate" I said looking over at Sarah.

"Give me a blood gas and blood and urine for culture"

"On it," April replied.

"There's no bleeding or deformity in his legs," Sarah said.

"We're almost ready"

"Heart rate is erratic"

"Watch his pressure"

I started to intubate the patient while Rhodes April and Sarah along with the other nurses were helping take care of everything else.

"All right, I am in," I said looking up from the patient's mouth and still holding onto the intubation.

"Dr.Aurora?" Sarah said.

I looked over at what she was showing me and saw something on the patient's left arm. I quickly turned around, grabbed a pair of scissors, and started to cut open his shirt.

"O2 sats are 98 and he's stable"

"No," I said, looking at the patient's chest where he had more of what he had on his left arm.

"We need to get him up to the OR now," I said, looking at Rhodes and April.

"I have a feeling we are ready too late," Rhodes said looking at me.

-

I opened the door to the OR where Dr.Rhodes along with others was giving the patient surgery.

"Patient's spouse is here. He's very anxious. Any updates I can give him?" I asked.

"Tell him his husband's got necrotizing fasciitis and we're debriding the muscle to try and stop the infection," one of the surgeons said.

"Dr.Rhodes, is that okay?"

"Uh, yeah. That's fine" he replied.

With that answer, I closed the door and walked out of the OR towards the spouse and an update on his husband.

"Sir, your husband is currently still in surgery, they are just debriding the muscle to stop the infection," I said looking at him.

"But he is going to be fine right?" He asked, running his hands down his side.

"He has the best surgeons working on him okay," I said reassuring him.

"Alright thank you, ma'am"

I smiled at him before walking out of the room and back into the ED.

"Hey Will, how is your living situation right now?" I asked him, signing into the computer.

"Ah, I've been staying with my brother for the past two months," he said, chuckling.

"Really? What's wrong with your apartment? '' I said typing away.

"The landlord was arrested for something and he was like was laundry money with the rent I think," he said shrugging his shoulders

I raised a brow at his comment, "Well do you need help looking for a new apartment? I know some great realtors that could help you" I said, looking at the computer screen.

"Yeah, that be great! Text me their numbers or something" he said and walked away.

"Maggie guess what!" I said walking towards her with a huge smile.

"The girl who came in, I have her results," she said handing me the iPad.

Looking over her results I quickly looked up "April, get the patient from two into isolation and order a chest X-ray and CT head, put the rest of the family in another room for cultural times three, and no matter what do not let anyone leave." I said looking at her sternly.

"Okay," she said nodding her head before walking away.

"What's going on?" Maggie asked.

"Get me on the phone with the CDC. Immediately" I said with that Maggie walked away.

-

"How dangerous is this?" The mother asked.

"It depends, Haemophilus influenza B can often be contained with the antibiotics we're giving her now, but not always," I said.

"And if it's not contained?"

"It can cause hearing loss, brain injury....even death," I said.

"Well, I've never even heard of it. How'd she get it" The father said looking over his daughter from the window where she was being isolated.

"Well, that is the question. It's part of the standard vaccination regimen. Is Shiloh vaccinated?" I said looking at Will before the parents.

"No"

"Are any of them?"

They both looked at each other before looking back at their daughter.

"Type B is transmitted by saliva, which makes incidental contacts like Dr.Halstead and I not at risk, but any of her long-term close contacts are. We'll notify the school, but in the meantime, you'll each need to be immunized" I said.

"I'm not sure we want that," the father said.

"Mr.Kane, I think it's very-" I was cut off by Will.

"Your children are at serious risk," he said sternly.

"We feel vaccination poses a serious risk as well" the mother snapped back at Will.

"That is not true"

"Doctors are about intervention. I get it. But left alone, the body has a perfectly good immune system, and once you start injecting it with foreign proteins and preservatives, you can't help but change that"

"Right now, all our other children seem to be fine, and Shiloh's in there all alone." She said looking at her daughter and then looking back at us.

"Can we just go be with her?"

"Of course, you can," I said looking at Will and then back at the parents.

"We'll send someone in to watch your other children, thank you," I said before walking out of the room.

Will followed closely behind me, closing the door gently and slowly I looked at Will.

"So what? You're just gonna let them off the hook?"He said.

"They're scared to death right now. It is not the time to push. I will talk to them again later, okay?" I said before walking away from him.

I walked over to the room where the man who came in with necrotizing fasciitis and saw Sarah talking with them.

Sarah walked out of the room and towards me with a frown on her face.

"Do you know a doctor in private practice named Unger?" She whispered so only I could hear her.

"Yeah," I replied as I looked at the computer screen.

"Is he reputable?"

"May I ask why?" I said, turning away from the screen to look at her.

"He missed a diagnosis, and now that patient's probably going to die" she looking at me.

Taking a deep breath I looked around the room before turning back to her. "Truthfully, he's missed a few in the last few months" I whispered back.

"Can you pull up a list of his patients who've been here recently?" She said, still looking at the couple.

I looked at her worried "Madeline" she sighed.

"Okay, just keep my name out of it"

"Mm-hmm" she nodded her head.

I printed out the file with all the patient's names who were here before giving it to her and making sure nobody saw that I handed her the file.

"You didn't get this from me," I said looking right into her eyes.

She nodded her head before walking away.

-

"Code Blue ICU"

Getting up from my seat I rushed over to the room where other nurses and Sarah were.

"There's no pulse," A nurse said looking at us.

Putting on my gloves and throwing my hair into a messy bun I rushed over towards the patient.

"He's unresponsive!" Sarah said lifting his shirt and noticing that his necrotizing fasciitis was bleeding and there were way more than before.

"He's in V-tach," Sarah said

"cardiac arrest," Dr.Unger said looking over at the monitors.

"Give me the paddles. Charge to 200" I ordered.

"Charging to 200"

I put some gel in the paddles and got them ready for Elias the patient. Dr.Unger was giving him chest compressions.

"Here," I said, making Dr.Unger move out of the way.

"Clear?"

"Clear"

His body joints up from the shock that was sent towards his heart looking at the screen nothing has changed.

"Nothing," Sarah said.

"Stand by," a nurse said.

"All right, 1 milligram of epi," I ordered one of the nurses.

"Got it, milligram of epi"

"1 of epi"

Dr.Unger was still giving him chest compressions.

"Again, Clear"

"Clear"

"Again, Clear"

"Clear"

Nothing was changing, Dr.Unger went back to giving him chest compressions.

"Another milligram of epi," I said, still looking at the monitor.

Turning to face the nurse she gave me a face meaning we can't do anything anymore.

"Doctor...." April said placing her hands above Dr.Unger making him stop giving him chest compressions.

Checking for a pulse one more and couldn't find one I pronounced him dead, "Time of death 15:22." I said looking at Dr.Unger before walking out of the room with Sarah behind me.

"Sarah, I suppose you told Sharon and Mr.Charles ?" I said pointing towards Mr.Charles who was talking with Dr.Unger.

"Yeah, don't worry I never said your name I just brought it to their attention that's all," she said.

"Okay, well if you find anything out please update me," I said placing my hands on her shoulder.

She nodded her head and walked away smiling at her. I walked towards the computer to update some of my patients' charts.

-

The shift is finally over, I checked my Apple Watch to look at the time it was only 3:00 a.m. Finally done with a twelve-hour shift and the best part is tomorrow is my day off.

Throwing on my coat since winter was coming very quickly. Grabbing my back and making sure my keys and phone were in my hand I closed my locker and rushed out of the hospital.

The wind in Chicago was the best, especially during the night. The only bad thing about this was a very chilly wind, finally arriving at my car unlocking it, and putting my bag on the passenger side, turning on the car I drove off back to my apartment.

Exiting the car and making sure it was locked I walked towards my apartment door, and I noticed Uncle Hank and Antonio were standing by my door talking among each other.

"What are you guys doing here at 3:20 in the morning?" I said, running my hands through my hair.

"Hey kiddo," Hank said, bringing me into a hug as well as Antonio.

"Hey," I said, unlocking my door and inviting them inside.

"We wanted to invite you to dinner with the whole district from intelligence?" Hank said taking a seat on my couch.

"Yeah my wife and kids are coming, some of our coworkers are bringing some of their family members," Antonio said, drinking the water I gave him.

"Yeah, I would love to! When and time?" I said unlocking my phone to look at my calendar.

"It's tomorrow night at 6:30 at Prime Steakhouse," Dad said.

"Well I will see since I'm on call tonight but I will if I can make it, no promise though," I said smiling at them.

"That's fine," Hank said chuckling as he stood up from the couch.

I walked them towards the door and waved them goodbye wishing them a goodnight before closing the door.

Jay Master List

intro 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Book Two

[afmediocore]

Blog for reblogging artfightdramaconfessions so they don't clog up my likes. if you kknow my main don't share it please

Tags (updated sometimes):

[tba] - anything before my tag sorting or i couldn't come up with a tag for it

[replies] - anything the blog directly responded to. does not include tag responses.

[positive] - anything that has a generally positive tone, generally praising something about artfight.

[tsed] - the starting early debate. anything pertaining to that.

[tfd] - the fetish debate. anything pertaining to kink/fetish art and mining, most relevant to the fetish rule change. includes things such as gore rule mentions.

[cbc] - stands for character-based character, and is my catch all tag for afdc's dekudog debate, as well as anything relating to cbcs as a whole

[characters] - stuff relevant to characters specifically, not necessarily art/attacks

[art and attacks] - anything pertaining to art (styles, etc) and attacks (including revenges sometimes)

[revenges] - when the ask is specifically about revenges/revenge chains

[scores and points] - stuff about how points and such work.

[site and staff] - anything relating to site changes and staff drama. includes site downtime. initially included rules talk.

[rules] - the new tag for said rules talk

[silly] - stuff that isn't submitted to be anything serious

[not afdc] - not artfightdramaconfessions. generally will still be related to artfight tho.

[seafoam stardust] - anything relating to team talk/the 2024 art fight season. includes team speculation for that year

[vampires werewolves] - see seafoam stardust. assume that there will be one for the 2025 event too

[hitlist] - all about talk of hitlists

[discord] - anything pertaining to the artfight discord which is its own mess most of the time tbh

[comments] - mostly relating to the thank you debate which at the time didn't have a tag on afdc, but anything relating to commenting

[advice] - tips and tricks for artfight and art in general

[cleanup] - any asks tagged 'old ask cleanup'.

[aft] - anything related to art farming

[fox] - probably the biggest art farmer of all lol

[spy] - anything pertaining to the unknownspy situation in 2022 (mass attack of design me a character with characters unlabelled and no one knowing which belonged to who)

[ratings and filters] - anything pertaining to the ratings and filters on artfight

[mme] - mass mod exodus, an event that happened in the middle of vampires and werewolves (2023) - tagged on afdc as 'the great af doom or whatever'

[tgqnp] - the great questionable newspost, part of mme but post fight

[bluestar22x]

Cool. And now you've made me want to tell mine:

It's funny to me cause LiveJournal is where i started. Well, not technically. Technically I was on a fan blog the CW network made for Supernatural. During the summer before Season 3 (I was maybe 13 or so) I got into that blog (the "CW lounge") and they had SPN Fanfics on there, among many other things (we used to play a lot of fan games and discuss the show on there too). Sometimes they gave links to their LiveJournal accounts so it was the 1st fanfic site I lurked. (I never joined LiveJournal)

I wrote 2 fanfics for Supernatural for myself before I finally joined Fanfiction net in 2010 and wrote many more there. I also wrote a bit for 12 Monkeys (Syfy), Dominion (Syfy), and one fic for 911 Lone Star. These are all shows where I took part in fandom. I was a fan of many other shows (Heartland (CBC), Person Of Interest. Nikita (CW), etc.), but didn't feel the need to interact with every fandom.

Fanfics and gifs are my thing. I joined Tumblr in 2015 for the gifs more so than any human interactions. I just wanted to reblog gifs at first. I later live watched and reblogged Tumblr comments for Supernatural and 911 Lone Star episodes.

I never knew about the Pedro fandom until recently either. I got Disney+ for the first time the summer of 2022 and Din was my intro to the Pedro fandom. (Just ignore the fact I'd seen Pedro in The Mentalist and Nikita before but didn't recognize him when Din had his helmet off).

I'd already been in the fandom for The Last of Us (mainly for Joel) for at least a month before I got to see Din. So I loved Joel before I knew Pedro (but I knew he'd do the role justice when the BTS pics started really rolling out and the first TLOU trailer sold me).

I spent several months watching his guest star roles on youtube and watching some of his movies while also reading fics on here. "The Crush" by @the-ginger-hedge-witch was the first Pedro character fic I read (Javier Pena). I don't think I was even done watching Narcos by that point (it took me a while to get around to Season 3).

By the time TLOU Season 1 aired I was reading Pedro character fanfics on here constantly. Also on AO3 too. But I don't like AO3's set-up. I'm hardly on there (except to archive fics for safe keeping). I didn't want to join AO3 but when someone took down their fic on Tumblr and only had it on AO3 I joined AO3 so I could bookmark the fanfic. It's just an archive for me, through and through.

I wrote for Joel just after TLOU was done airing, my first reader fic EVER. I also was not used to reading/writing reader fics - Supernatural fics were almost always 3rd person, sometimes 1st person for romantic fics. It took time for me to like reading and writing in 2nd person "you". I still prefer 3rd person but I like that in reader fics I don't have to describe the reader's appearance. lol

June 2023 was when I caved and started writing Pedro character fics on the regular.

This fandom is also unique to me. I've enjoyed many actors' work but it's not often I follow an actor (I don't even follow Jensen Ackles after Supernatural and I loved him playing Dean and think he's a great actor). Even with Pedro if there's no chance I'll like the show/movie I'll just skip it or I'll only watch the character's scenes. I'm not crazy over The Bubble, but you bet your ass I love reading Dieter fics. Same with Javi G.

What I like about fanfics in this fandom is there's a character for every story. You want to write an end of the world fanfic? Use Joel. A survival fic? (Or camping trip!) Use Frankie. A one night stand fic? Use Javier Pena (or not, that man could totally settle down in Texas). Want a grumpy grump grump male lead? Pick Pero. Want a softie to turn you to mush? Pick Javi G. Want to treat your inner dark side? Pick Dave. There's always a match out there for every fic and every person.

I'm pretty selective about my fics cause I like them more canon based (at least in characterization) but even then I find a ton of fics. The best ones usually have under 1,000 notes - usually - I have found a few over 1,000 that are amazing too - but most super popular fics don't know the characters imo - it's more about what they want the character to do to them/kinky stuff rather than staying true to the character. Nothing wrong with headcanons, but I prefer it to feel like something I could picture them doing on screen. If they allowed smut on screen in detail. (I also pick fics based on my personal preferences after the fic passes the "canon test". Usually. I have a few guilty pleasures that made the characters a bit out of character).

Anyway, I've said too much. But that's my fandom story.

Thought I'd randomly give a friendship bracelet to someone on the Scout list (to be fair since I know many of you in passing) and my finger landed on your username. :)

I'm always curious about how people entered the fandom - so I'm curious to know how you did?

(I tend to get long winded when I explain my origin so don't be afraid of being detailed)

hi!! thank you 🧡🥰 I love it!

I'm kind of excited to answer! ok here come the details. I've been in fandom in general for what feels like forever -- I started reading fic when I was like 11 or 12 and discovered ffnet (I turn 37 this month). I hopped from there to livejournal to various individual ship sites (we used to do it that way before ao3, for anyone who doesn't remember) to like, yahoo groups, and back to ffnet.

Then I got a tumblr in ... 2010ish? Not this account, I created this one last October so I could be more involved in this fandom and post fics. So my other one has been around forever (yeah I was here for dashcon and everything else lmao), and I was a fan in many fandoms, but I was never a creator. I think my post with the most notes was from when I watched Hannibal and liveblogged about it (I wasn't in the Hannibal fandom, before anyone asks). I was pretty active on tumblr until the end of 2018, less active until 2022, and then I came back in a sort of chill way. I wasn't posting much, just reblogging and scrolling.

On the fic side, I got an ao3 account in 2012 after reading without an account for like a year (RIP to all those bookmarks that never were). I've been reading fic daily for like, most of my life at this point, but ao3 changed the game in such a huge way. It's weird to think back to what life was like before ao3! (as of today I have 9235 bookmarks on ao3)

Then in spring 2023 I discovered that the Pedro fandom existed. Honestly I'm sad I didn't know about it before, I feel like it would have helped me through 2020 and 2021 if I did. I read my first ever x reader fic (rough day) and then went looking for the author on tumblr. (I will admit I had a bias against x reader before I tried it myself. I think that's not abnormal for those of us who came from fandoms that didn't have it.) Then I discovered people on tumblr and discord were talking about all of the things I wanted to talk about with Din, Joel, and Pedro (Din and Joel were my entry to this fandom, despite my first fav Pedro character being Oberyn). I read some Din and Joel fics, realized how much I liked all of this, and then couldn't get the idea for Over Again out of my head. I started writing it in my notes app last April and created a side blog when I started posting it. Then in October I turned this into a full blog instead, so I could reply and interact as much as possible! (the side blog is still attached to my old blog and I use it as the updates blog now - @burntheedges-updates)

Having been in so many fandoms previously, I love that this one is sort of unique in how we follow one actor's characters rather than stick to one piece of media (or a universe). I've honestly never seen anything like it, but it's easily my favorite fandom that I've been in. It's also the first time I've written any fic at all since I was like 15.

I almost listed all of the fandoms I've ever followed/been in on tumblr but decided not to. lol I can if anyone wants to know! thank you for asking and letting me ramble. 🧡

[virtchandmoir]

The Winter Olympics we all need right now is set to begin

As the Olympics get underway, we interview Tessa Virtue, a legendary Olympic figure skater and new CBC broadcaster

February 3, 2022

Gold medallist Tessa Virtue has spent the past couple of decades delivering big Olympic moments. Now she’s joined the CBC broadcast team to witness and bring new stories to us. We are here for it. Streets of Toronto asked Virtue about her new gig, and what it’s like to not be competing for the first time since 2010.

How does it feel to be, at least virtually, heading back to the Winter Olympics?

Oh, I’m so honoured to be part of this CBC team and to have the opportunity to tell the athletes’ stories. And it’s certainly different this time around. We were hoping to go to the 2006 Olympics so we were preparing — we were alternates that year [she didn’t make it, but competed in 2010, 2014 and 2018]. So it’s been quite some time since a Winter Olympics has rolled around and it hasn’t been my entire life. But what a privilege to be on the other side of it, to be part of such an esteemed broadcast team. It’s really exciting. I’ll still get a little bit of adrenaline and nerves and pressure.

What do the Olympics mean to you?

For one, they symbolize a very significant first chapter of my life or maybe first couple of chapters. For so long my life and, honestly, those of my family and friends, too, were marked by the Games since 2010. And then 2014, 2018, we just thought in these four year cycles. But it’s so much more than that. And we never really took that for granted. There are so many ways in which the Games are politicized, particularly in the lead up. And yet, when that torch is lit and the competitions begin, it’s as if time stops, and we can all focus on the purity of sport, and it’s really beautiful. And I think it can bring people together. It can.

What do you miss most about the period leading up to the Olympics?

I miss the clarity of one very specific goal. And one purposeful moment in time chasing that feeling. I miss the big stage. I remember Hayley Wickenheiser saying that one time, when I asked her how she felt. I think that was when she was in med school. And she articulated there’s something about the big stage. Its sense of meaning and significance is astounding. So I missed those things. And I suppose ultimately, I also missed the camaraderie. And there’s something special to be part of the Canadian Olympic team.

What are these athletes going through right now?

Emotions are heightened surrounding an Olympic Games, no matter the circumstances, and I imagine even more so this year. I would presume they’re running the gamut of emotions, feeling anticipation, some fear, certainly excitement, nerves, pressure.

How is our Olympic team looking and what are you most excited to watch?

Oh gosh, I can’t wait. I’m the biggest Olympic fan. So it’ll be so fun to be — when I’m not in the commentating group — just parked right in front of the TV trying to absorb all the stories and following along. I mean, there are some standouts, people that we share a mental performance coach, Max Parrot and Mikaël Kingsbury. I can’t wait to cheer them on. Of course, I will say the women’s hockey team at every Games is the central pillar, like they were the heart and soul of the Canadian team. So I have so much admiration, so much love for those women. And, of course, our skaters. I mean, it’s going to be really exciting to see some fresh faces, which will be a great experience for them, and some seasoned vets. I think we’re going to be well represented no doubt.

What’s your fondest Olympic memory?

You know, in general, I think the Sochi Olympics was probably the best month of my life. It was so fun. Such a formidable team. But it’s the memories in the cafeteria, when you’re chatting with the curlers and you’re connecting with athletes who have very similar stories, even though you know there is such a variety of paths to get to the Olympics. It’s fun to connect with people who understand the sacrifice and determination it takes to perform on the world stage.

You’ve moved to Toronto. Have you landed on a few neighbourhood faves yet?

Having a dog, I have to say High Park is a real highlight. I love Trinity Bellwoods, but you know, some specific favourites: the restaurant Vela, Union, Jimmy’s Coffee; Bloomer’s Donuts is a staple of mine now. But there’s a vibrancy to the city. Granted, I moved during COVID, so not the best time to really pick up on the flavour of the city. But even just kind of wandering and getting an overall feeling for the city, I’m so happy to be here.

—Streets of Toronto

[anewbeginningagain]

https://www.nugget.ca/sports/with-keegan-messing-in-covid-jail-roman-sadovsky-up-next-for-canada-in-olympic-figure-skating-team-event. Apparently Scott is commentating too, maybe a vm reunion :)

Thanks anon!

"That’s how Scott Moir feels too. The retired Canadian ice dancer, now a coach and soon to be offering commentary on the Olympics for CBC, said he feels terrible for Messing, a gritty competitor who always presents a smiling face for Skate Canada and has always been a great teammate.

“It is a shame, there is no other way to put it, but it’s the reality of today,” said Moir. “We knew going into these Games there were going to be some storylines, we knew it was going to be painful to see some athletes weren’t going to be able to compete after all of the work they put in, and that is too bad.”"

[gstqaobc]

THE ROYAL FASCINATOR

Friday, March 12/2021

Hello, royal watchers and all those intrigued by what’s going on inside the House of Windsor. This is another special edition of your dose of royal news and analysis.

Reading this online? Sign up here to get this delivered to your inbox.

      Janet Davison Royal Expert

The Harry and Meghan interview: Beyond the turmoil

While sifting through everything Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, had to say to Oprah Winfrey Sunday night, many saw parallels to other troubled times for the Royal Family.

The interview raised concerns particularly around race and mental health, and many found in it reminders of what Harry’s mother, Diana, experienced, as she laid bare the lack of support she felt after her ill-fated marriage to Prince Charles.

But the Diana period, which came as the clock wound down on the 20th century, was hardly the first time of family turmoil.

And in those earlier experiences going back decades — and centuries — there could lie hints of the House of Windsor’s fate after this latest crisis.

“I don’t think the history of this Royal Family, which has been written off so many times, tells you anything other than they know how to survive,” said John Fraser, author of The Secret of the Crown: Canada's Affair with Royalty, and founding president of the Institute for the Study of the Crown in Canada.

“Going back, back, back, there has never been a reign that hasn’t had some domestic problems.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly for an institution that emphasizes keeping calm and carrying on, there have been only the slimmest of hints this week of what will come next.

In a 61-word statement issued by Buckingham Palace Tuesday, the Queen said she and her family were saddened to learn of Harry and Meghan’s experiences, and that issues raised, particularly of race, would be addressed privately by the family.

In response to a question from a reporter while at an engagement at a school in east London on Thursday, Prince William said, ”We're very much not a racist family.”

BBC royal correspondent Sarah Campbell said William could have ignored the question.

“Despite the Queen's statement saying the race issue would be dealt with privately, the prince clearly felt he had to push back on what has become a very public and damaging allegation," Campbell wrote on the BBC website. “Remaining silent, he felt, was not the best option.”

In the interview with Winfrey, Meghan and Harry said there was a conversation — or conversations — with an unnamed family member in which concerns were raised about the colour of the skin of their first child before he was born.

It was perhaps the most damaging moment of the interview for the family, and one that is still surrounded in murkiness.

While Harry told Winfrey later that neither of his grandparents — Queen Elizabeth or Prince Philip — was part of that particular conversation, he refused to say during the interview who was.

“The fact that [Harry’s] on the outs with his father leads everyone to believe it must have been Charles, or possibly William, and until that’s dealt with, it’s this huge problem if they’re going to be future sovereigns,” said Fraser.

He said he finds it “unbelievable” that Charles, the man who walked Meghan halfway down the aisle at her wedding, would be worried about the colour of his grandson’s skin.

“Nothing in his life suggests that he is that callous or stupid,” Fraser said.

Still, it’s not clear who might have said it.

“It’s been left like a timebomb,” said Fraser. “How can [Charles] be the head of the Commonwealth, which has so many Black nations, until this is resolved? It’s a real dilemma.”

Fraser expects we will eventually learn who was involved in the conversation in question. “It’s just the nature of the way things go.”

But Fraser hopes it will be a given a context, and that it will be worked out within the family, “at some point down the road when they’ve got some distance from the immediate hurt that everyone must be feeling at the moment.”

Shola Mos-Shogbamimu, a lawyer and human rights activist in London, says the family’s circumstances are not beyond repair.

“But the point is Buckingham Palace better take this seriously, not come out with any stiff-upper-lip nonsense,” she told Adrienne Arsenault, senior correspondent and co-host of CBC’s The National, this week, before the statement from the palace.

“Nobody’s going to stand for it. Not for the racist comment, not for their lack of support for Meghan’s mental health, suicidal thoughts, not that fact that Prince Charles apparently failed to even speak to his son….

“All of those things should be answered and they should be answered humanely, like the Royal Family is in touch with what the public expects from it.”

Maybe there is at least one more signal of efforts within the family to work things out. While the relationship between William and Harry has been deeply strained, William said Thursday he will be speaking with his brother.

Who can be a prince or princess

Amid the many issues Meghan raised during the interview, one that seemed particularly troubling for her concerned conversations before Archie’s birth.

“They were saying they didn’t want him to be a prince or a princess — not knowing what the gender would be — which would be different from protocol, and that he wasn’t going to receive security,” she said.

That got a lot of people wondering about just what provisions there are for determining who becomes a prince or princess.

Under provisions of a letter patent issued by King George V in 1917, Archie would not at this point in his life be eligible to be a prince.

But his cousin — Prince William’s eldest son, seven-year-old George, who is in direct line to the throne — is a prince. George’s siblings can be a prince or princess, too, under provisions of a letter patent issued in 2012 by Queen Elizabeth, before George was born.

But that’s where it ends for that generation of royal great-grandchildren of the monarch, as things stand now.

“None of Harry’s children automatically get to be a prince except if there’s some reason that the Queen would bestow it on them,” said Fraser.

Grandchildren of a monarch can be princes or princesses, however, and things could change for Archie when his grandfather, Charles, becomes the monarch.

Whether Meghan’s comments might refer to what might happen then isn’t clear.

There is a broad understanding that Charles is looking toward a more streamlined monarchy, with fewer working members.

"I saw that Meghan mentioned that there were plans to narrow eligibility and I imagine that this is a reference to the Prince of Wales's stated view that the size of the Royal Family needs to be reduced," Bob Morris from the constitution unit at University College London told the BBC.

"However, he has not so far as I know given details of how it should be accomplished."

Fascinator readers write

Readers of the Royal Fascinator shared their views in droves after the Winfrey interview. Here’s a sampling of emails and excerpts from longer messages that reflect the wide range of thoughts offered on Harry, Meghan and what they said on Sunday.

From Linda: “I was saddened by the interview. It could have been a great opportunity for the royals to move forward and acknowledge mental health issues, but The Firm refused to take that route. Shocked to hear how the men in grey suits direct so much of the agenda.”

From Susan: “Unsubstantiated accusations are very damaging. It’s easy to allege things were said and then refuse to say who said them. Then it’s just a case of he said, she said. But the damage is done.”

From Charlie: “I feel for Harry and Meghan and I don't blame them one bit for the decision they made for leaving the U.K. and the Royal Family, in search for a more peaceful, sane and healthy lifestyle and mental health. I have never been a royal watcher or a fan of all the pomp that goes into it. I personally think Canada should abolish all that nonsense as it relates to a Governor General as the representative of the Queen in Canada (who is still our head of state). Canada should maintain close ties with the U.K., for sure, as partners, allies and friends, but this monarchy BS is a waste of taxpayer dollars.”

From Margaret: “I am still grappling with the intent of the interview and tell-all. And what is to be gained by the couple? Probably more paparazzi and Hollywood-like behaviours…. The constant referral back to Diana gives one pause for thought as well. Yes, Harry was totally traumatized by his mother’s death…. That said, although there are some similarities in press and media reporting, Diana was very young and naive when she joined ‘The Firm,’ whereas Harry and Meagan were well into their 30s when they married and should have known full well what could happen…. I do not mean to downplay or negate the comments on race/skin colour. Hopefully there will be some conversations around that at the palace level.”

From Tina: “I felt so much of this interview resonated with the Diana era. It left me with many questions, but mostly: How on earth can a parent stop taking calls from their child? How on earth can a parent not want to keep their family safe? How on earth can a parent allow the words of racism to be spoken amongst anyone, never mind their own? How on earth can a parent knowingly watch your child go through such pain and not reach out?... I applaud the two of them for coming out to the world and letting people be reminded, once again, of a dated monarchy who cares more about how they are perceived to the world than that of their own. One can only hope for Meghan and Harry to have a life of joy with their little family and always be safe .... and perhaps maybe Harry's wish that 'time heals all' comes true and his family come to their senses.”

From Paul: “Unless I misheard Meghan, she mentioned that she was not informed/prepared with the protocols of ‘The Firm.’ I find this difficult to believe. She is an intelligent, successful woman with a mind of her own.... I am not naive enough to not know there would be some racial problems.  But I do believe too much emphasis was placed on the racial issue. As for protection being dropped for Harry, why not? He is in a foreign country, by choice…. With all Harry and Meghan's money, they should be paying for their own protection. Remember, they optioned out of the U.K. Nevertheless, I wish them the best in their endeavours.”

From Anna: “I do not feel this interview will damage the Royal Family. There are differences of opinion in all families. I do not feel the whole Royal Family should be painted with the same brush. This interview will be so hard on the Queen. My heart goes out to her.”

We’ll continue to include comments from readers in future editions of the Royal Fascinator

Royal reads

1. Harry and Meghan’s interview might have some thinking it’s time for Canada to retire the Queen and its connection to the monarchy, but it wouldn’t be that simple to do, writes CBC’s Aaron Wherry.

2. Harry talked of an “invisible contract” between the media and the Royal Family. The BBC took a closer look at what it is.

3. Journalist and TV presenter Piers Morgan left British broadcaster ITV after long-running criticism of Meghan that reached a crescendo after the interview with Winfrey. [CBC

Cheers

I’m always happy to hear from you. Send your ideas, comments, feedback and notes to royalfascinator@cbc.ca. Problems with the newsletter? Please let me know about any typos, errors or glitches.

GSTQAOBC🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 4

Warning, if it hasn't been obvious in the movies there is Nazi symbolism within the First Order. I will expand on this much more throughout the story. If this is something that bothers you, please just exit the story. The author does not condone any Nazi ideals, this is just for fictional uses only.

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with some canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

Originally posted on my Ao3 Crystallclover. (Incase you missed it) Chapter Three 

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Chapter 4: When the Machine Starts

Summary: “ALL REMAINING SYSTEMS WILL REMEMBER THIS, AS THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEW EMPIRE!!!” Cannon fire was heard in the distance.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Y/N? What do you think,” asked Carter.

You thought for a moment and answered, “I don’t know, this is all so much to take in. When are you guys thinking about registering? I don’t want to go alone, there will be too many people.”

“I was thinking about going tomorrow morning. The registration office closest to me doesn’t open until 9 AM but I want to guarantee that a line will start 6,” said Carter. 

“I guess I really hadn’t thought that far to be honest. Too caught up in the alien thing,” said Hayden “Why don’t we plan on going together?” 

“I think that would great, but Y/N do you need to go to a special registration center? As an American,” asked Carter.

“Let me check online,” you said while pulling up the government website on your phone. “It says it I should be fine if I go to the motor vehicle registration office, the social insurance number office, or the immigration office. I need my passport, social security card, immunization forms, birth certificate, driver's license, and work visa. It also says that I will be in a separate line and that my registration will take up to 1 hour to complete.” 

“Sweet, I know you aren’t a fan of getting up early Hayden but what if we all go to the MVR office tomorrow at like 5:45 AM and just get it done together? We have no idea how long the lines will be or really how long it will take,” asked Carter.

“Fine, but like we need to get brunch afterward or I will riot in the streets. You guys don’t have to work tomorrow right,” asked Hayden. “Tony gave me the next few days off.”

“No, Henry gave us all time off. I’m pretty sure Scott and his wife will go awol. Like you should have seen him this morning. He was on his phone in the walkway for the first hour, late to our meeting. Ally had to message him asking if he was coming. He then walked finally went into his office and got ready. He blamed it on his wife being paranoid,” you said. 

“Yeah but that is such a Scott thing to do, I am surprised Talia hasn’t evaluated him yet that man is a walking HR nightmare,” said Carter.

“That isn’t even the worst of it. Immediately after the announcement he kind flipped out. Talking about how the First Order will brainwash us and how we shouldn’t stand for it. Like I’m pretty sure he was going to blow a gasket. Daniel told him off and then he went to talk to Henry but not until saying that this may be the last time we will probably see our families, then Henry gave us the week off basically,” you ranted. “I honestly hate the man he’s late to everything, even deadlines, he also can’t organize his office even if his life depended on it. Plus he’s always on his phone with his wife. Just all around unprofessional.” 

“Damn go off, I would hate to hear what you would have go say about me if I worked with you,” stated Hayden.

“Well, I’m glad we are just friends and not coworkers. Brunch sounds like a good idea to me, especially if we can start day drinking because guaranteed my registration is going to be more stressful than both of yours and I’ll probably need something to take the edge off. And if Scott is right about this being the last bits of freedom before the First Order starts brainwashing us or ‘probing’ us then I’d like it to be fun,” you ranted. 

“Probing, damn I wish I thought of that earlier. You know we should start watching some really cheesy Sci-FI movies before the ‘Supreme Leader’ announcement,” suggested Hayden.

Both you and Carter agreed and you set up your phone to keep steaming CBC News and you set up “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” on your laptop.

After your third movie, you all just decide to pull up the news to avoid missing the announcement. The seemingly perfect white brunette anchorman and similarly perfect blonde anchorwoman were explaining once again where to register while also talking about the average wait time to register. You always found their perfect hair, teeth, and skin; they were just too perfect. 

Live from Washington D.C. 

The camera focused in on the Supreme Leader, “People of Earth, the First Order has so far been impressed by the cooperation we have received from you. As it was mentioned before, if you remain calm and follow all orders directed towards you, you will be able to live a long and prosperous life here. 

Your respective nation’s leader should have informed you of more updates such as where to receive registration and changes to your planet's economy. The First Order and my self Supreme Leader Ren have a few more directives for you. 

First as mentioned to you many times today, everyone on your planet must register with the First Order as citizens. Anyone refusing to do so will be dealt with justly. Second, all citizens upon registration will receive an education on the First Orders and the beliefs of the new empire. Any citizen who has an issue with this education should direct their comments and concerns to any Stormtrooper or First Order officer at their local registration station. 

Finally, anyone found in favor of the New Republic or the Resistance will be dealt with immediately. The First Order would like to make this transition for Earth as smooth and as peaceful as possible. Any found being a traitor to the First Order may find themselves at a public execution!

My Allegiant General Hux has a few words for you.” He stepped to the side to reveal the ginger human-looking man. 

“Today is the is the beginning of the new empire! And the end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder! At this very moment, in a system far from here, the New Republic lies to the galaxy, while secretly supporting the treachery of the loathsome Resistance,” The red hair man almost seemed to be foaming at the mouth while he was giving his speech. “Our alliance is a fierce machine that we will build, upon which we will stand, will bring an end to the Senate, and to their cherished fleet! ALL REMAINING SYSTEMS WILL REMEMBER THIS, AS THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEW EMPIRE!!!” Cannon fire was heard in the distance and the camera came to a wide shot of the podium’s stage. 

On the stage, you could see the U.S. President, Supreme Leader Ren, Allegiant General Hux, and the silver armored soldier. Behind the stage, you could see the white house lawn filled with the white armored soldiers standing at attention. In the distance you could see there was now a banner over the white house, it was large and read with a hexagon with a star-like black symbol. You assumed this to be the flag of the First Order. 

The camera cuts back to the news anchors who were now conspicuously wearing pins with the same symbol that was on the banner. “I like the sound of that, don’t you Karen,” asked the male news anchor.

“I sure do Jim. A new galactic economy and protection from a powerful new ally to protect us from the treacherous Resistance. I don’t think we could have asked for a better ‘alien’ invasion, do you, Jim,” responded Karen.

“Now it's almost as if fate was on our side, or should I say the Force. For everybody, at home, both Karen and I have been registered and have started our First Order education. That’s where we got these cool new pins that you will be required to wear once you’ve been registered unless directed to do otherwise,” stated Jim. 

“Yes, it is important that all citizens register as soon as possible, and all citizens are asked to cooperate with the First Order. You all heard our new Supreme Leader Ren, they would like us to be peaceful and anyone found in contempt of the First Order may be subject to public execution,” stated Karen. “And I’m sure all of you remember 8th-grade world history when we learned about what happened to Marie Antoinette, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” She and Jim chuckled at her off-color joke. 

“I’m sure no one wants that so if we all stay calm no one should lose their head. There will be nightly updates every night at 7 PM Eastern Standard Time from the First Order. We have been informed that it will be various officers as our new Supreme Leader is very busy,” stated Jim.

“I’m sure he is, and what a wonderful Supreme Leader we have. Dedicated to our safety and the safety of the galaxy. I can’t wait to learn more about him from my First Order education. Now stay tuned to the weather,” said Karen. 

You muted your laptop once again. You, Carter and Hayden all sat in shock after what you just watched. 

Carter was the first to speak, “well at least be getting the registration and education over an done with as soon as possible. That General Hux guy seemed pretty intense.”

“Your boss might be right Y/N we may just all be brainwashed soon. Why do I have a feeling like the First Order may be something out of a George Orwell's novel,” said Hayden.

“Just promise us you won’t do anything stupid Hayden, we will all have enough to worry about. Tomorrow at the registration office you might want to keep your conspiracy theories to yourself. I don’t know how much the First Order will like them,” you responded.

Carter seemed to be in agreement with you, “Why don’t we all just call it a night? We can meet in the parking lot of the MVR office at 5:45 AM and I’ll bring coffee for all of us.”

You and Hayden nodded in agreement. Both of them packed up their things and left. You cleaned up the kitchen and plates. Shut your laptop before preparing for bed.

You grabbed your pajamas and went into the bathroom and took a shower hoping it would relax you. Getting you changed into your clothes, brushed your hair and teeth. 

You shut off the lights to your apartment and walked over to your bed. You plugged in your phone and set an alarm before crawling into bed and drifting off into fitful sleep.

[fishylife]

Olympic thoughts for the day (August 5, 2021)

- Woke up to find out that Quan Hongchan and Chen Yuxi won gold and silver in women’s 10m platform diving, and that Quan Hongchan had really amazing scores, so of course I went back and watched the dives. As usual, I loved seeing Team China cheer on their 師妹們 :3 I’m starting to really enjoy the CBC commentators too. They are always so positive, but they also don’t shy away from pointing out when someone makes a mistake, because they know that will help us understand the scoring. They always point out how dominant the Chinese divers are, but I think they also thought it was amusing the Quan and Chen were so young haha. Anyway, I can’t believe this is Quan Hongchan’s first ever international competition. She was so perfect from beginning to end.

- Also, Damian Warner won gold in decathlon! I remember he won bronze in Rio, and he’s been so good for so long. It’s great to see him with a gold this time.

- I watched the men’s sport climbing finals and it was really fun! Admittedly I didn’t really pay attention to the speed climbing part because it wasn’t interesting. The bouldering was interesting, but it just requires a lot of patience. The lead climbing was the most exciting, because it combines both the physical aspects of climbing as well as the intellectual aspects (speed is far more physical and bouldering is far more brainy), and also because it was the last event which would decide the winner.

- Watched some rhythmic gymnastics. Even though rhythmic gymnastics is more like a dance routine, the gymnasts are still limited by their apparatus at times. There were definitely some moves that were more creative and drew my eye, but I definitely saw a lot of gymnasts doing the same moves even though they all had such different music. There were quite a few gymnasts who used contemporary music (pop or rock). Acoustics in the building weren’t great though. The echo was really obvious when one of the gymnasts performed to Imagine Dragons’ Natural lol. I will say it is very fun seeing how the gymnasts’ apparatus match their costumes haha. Very magical girl of them. Also I thought it was fun that one of the competitors was wearing a Rolling Stones-esque T-shirt and leggings to match her rock music. Also there was a pair of identical twin sisters from Russia who were both in the event. It was surreal because I was like “...didn’t this girl already perform?”

- I’m excited to watch women’s sport climbing. I saw a clip of Seo Chaehyun while doing lead climbing, and I think she’ll be fun to watch along with Janja Garbret.

[paullicino]

A Year like No Other

(Taken from, and funded by, my Patreon.)

A lot of people are now calling 2020 the lost year and it’s not difficult to see why. Most of us have never had a year remotely like this last one. For some of us, the calendar began to blur, weeks and even months merging into one another in a sickly, uneasy timelessness that had us double-checking what day it was. For others, there was stress after stress, as we worried about our health, our jobs, our governments, even our countries. And the two experiences certainly weren’t mutually exclusive.

This month, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on that, acknowledging both the struggles and the successes. It’s sometimes been a difficult twelve months for me, but it certainly hasn’t been without its inspirations and its wonderful moments. I wanted to share some of those, to talk about a few ideas and to spotlight the things that helped me through 2020. I hope it helps. I figure it’s as good a time as any for us to be sharing our blessings.

And I think that first involves celebrating you. I think that’s very important. This past month, a year on from the first COVID cases being widely-reported (and also the first reports of cases where I live), I’ve read a lot by people asking questions like “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” when they look back. They ask these questions when they think about things like their life changes, their mask wearing, their activism or their voting. They see an ongoing pandemic, social unrest or political inaction and wonder why they should make an effort while others are lax or apathetic. It’s natural to wonder that. I think anyone can understand the fatigue, the cynicism and the disillusionment.

But I also, get this, have a Hot Take on this that says that the choices you made were vital. When you chose to wear a mask, to socially distance, to restrict when and where you went, you actively helped fight a deadly virus. You may well have saved lives, saved someone’s health, protected livelihoods by acting as you have. When you voted, shared a cause on social media, attended a protest or talked to even one person about helping others or making the world better, you contributed to improving your society.

In fact, I have capital-O Opinions about these things so strap in and hold on, 'cause here they come.

I’ve been very fortunate to share much of my work on the internet over the years, which is a very particular medium, and sometimes that work reaches a lot of people. My experience of this is that you never know who it truly reaches, or when, or even how, and most of the time you never find out. There’s certainly an immediacy to things where you can see, pretty quickly, what the instant reaction to something is, but that’s fleeting. It doesn’t last and, within moments, there’s already something newer demanding more responses.

In time, the true consequences of things shake out. People get back to you with their more considered opinions. Sometimes months, even years after you do something, you find out from someone what they thought about it, how it affected them or even how they were changed. It can take time for a person to realise how they were changed, too, and we rarely have perspective in the moment. Sometimes it takes us years to appreciate the choices and the actions of our friends, our family members, our teachers, our communities. People have contacted me about work I’ve done long, long after I first shared it, and many of those people have come from places that I never expected, have found my work in ways that I never expected. I think, now, that consequence never travels in straight lines. That cause and effect are strangers rather than siblings.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that we don’t always notice the good things that we have done. We ask “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” because we don’t get those answers immediately, or for a long time, or sometimes ever. But not knowing when we saved someone’s health, when we changed someone’s mind, even when we inspired someone’s actions doesn’t mean that we aren’t making a difference. There is a point to our life changes, our mask wearing, our activism and our voting.

I hope you can celebrate yourself and give yourself credit for the choices you made this last year. They have mattered.

I also want to thank you so, so much for supporting my Patreon. I know many of you have been with me since day one, for more than two years now, and I’m so grateful for both your capital-P Patronage and your presence, whether that’s in our Discord community or through your comments and your correspondence. That’s made a big difference to me this past year, helping me pay rent and put food on the table during a time when so much has been uncertain. 2020 was to be my first full year back in Canada after a complicated, circuitous absence and I had half-finished projects, freelance ideas and half a dozen tabs open in my browser with writing residencies to apply for, everywhere from nearby Richmond to the Yukon Territory. I hoped this would be a year that I’d both finally see more of Canada and be able to write about it, too. A lot of things didn’t quite work out, freelance budgets were slashed, work timelines lengthened and I became ill, but as I look back now I’m thankful for a great deal.

I still managed to fulfill some ambitions. At the start of 2020 I’d been finishing up some work on Zafir, which had been an absolute delight, and I was not far off starting spring work on Magical Kitties Save the Day. The close of the year saw me resuming work on a Feng Shui expansion and each of these projects has been really good for me. All of them gave me a chance to work with skillful, progressive people and to become a better designer.

As spring continued, I decided to make a one-off video about board gaming and mental health during a pandemic, partly to offer a practical and helpful introduction to playing board games online and looking after yourself, but also because I wanted people to feel that their actions during a pandemic mattered. Among the things I referenced and linked to, I’ve continued dipping into Headspace from time to time, and this helpful list of brief work-from-home tips has been further updated. I’ve also since further investigated the terrific work of Dr. Ali Mattu, a psychologist and therapist who has produced a lot of material over the last year focusing on how to handle the pandemic.

With the summer came widespread protests across the United States, which highlighted the oppressive and fatal consequences of systemic racism and the urgent need for police reform, both issues not exclusive to the that country (for me, the events echoed the protests that began on my Tottenham street in  2011 and the violent response to 2010’s student protests). I shared a list of resources that I thought were important at the time, but there also followed a wide call for white people to make more effort to both seek out, engage with and promote motion pictures made by Black Americans, or which reflected the Black experience. It wasn’t a big ask and, as well as watching films that had been recommended many times over (such as Us, Da 5 Bloods, The Last Black Man in San Francisco and the excellent BlacKkKlansman, which was the best film I saw last year), I also tried to diversify my social media feeds more. Instagram was host to a growing discussion about how the platform seems to (deliberately or accidentally) divide people by race, something which I think may still be the case, and several nature photographers I follow promoted Tsalani Lassiter and Rae Wynn-Grant. To my delight, among many of the things they speak about and share, both are experts on bears.

I thought it was important to look more closely at Canada, too, so I made more of an effort to follow Indigenous issues and have begun reading Indigenous news sources, including First Nations Drum, Windspeaker and the Nunatsiaq News. CBC runs its own Indigenous news section, much of which is written by Indigenous reporters.A lot of freelance and writing opportunities dried up as the pandemic contracted the world’s economies, but in 2020 I was able to start writing for VICE, working with my old colleague and friend Rob Zacny, and interview the world’s most famous board game designer. VICE has written a lot of relevant, helpful and informative material about current events over the last year and I was heartened by the words of a fellow VICE writer, Gita Jackson, who concluded her essay about living in The Cool Zone of historical possibility by reminding us how “In The Cool Zone, we can also rediscover hope.”

This year I was also inspired by Faith Fundal’s widely-shared CBC podcast They and Us, which was an excellent (and still rare) example of a mainstream media exploration of gender identity and trans rights, and really pleased for my friend Brendan, who launched his podcast project Hey, Lesson! in the autumn. Of course, I can’t mention podcasts without again reminding you of my love for the spooky, supernatural Death by Monsters, which I got to host last winter. It was my dear friend Paula, one of its presenters, who recommended that I start streaming regularly, something I now do here. She was absolutely right when she talked about how positive and social an experience it can be. It’s been a real joy, as well as added some important structure and schedule to my week.

And, of course, the arrival of my first full year as a Canadian resident meant that I got to celebrate my first anniversary as a Canadian resident. I paid my taxes! Let me tell you, it was a slightly confusing and esoteric experience, but it was also one of those mundane, humdrum things that confirms and validates you. Though I didn’t get to throw a party for that anniversary, I did get to enjoy my birthday celebrations before the pandemic really hit. My partner surprised me with a trip to the not-quite-remote-but-definitely-secluded Gibsons, on the quiet British Columbia coastline, which was the best birthday gift anyone’s ever given me and a chance to see more of the rocky, forested, mountainous fringes of a place I’ve fallen so in love with. Before Vancouver closed down, I was also able to collect more than a dozen people (representing five different nationalities!) together in a brewery and then a restaurant, something that now feels like an extremely alien concept. For some of us in our friend group, it’s the last memory we have of coming together and being in the same space. That gives it a pronounced poignancy, a bittersweet quality.

Finally, I’d like to share two more things with you. The first is particularly peculiar and personal: I found my wizard. After drafting this piece last summer, then sharing it in the autumn, a few suggestions led me not straight to my goal, but ultimately down the right path. The game that I was thinking of is called The Tomb of Drewan and I very much doubt that anyone, anywhere is likely to have heard of it. It’s thirty-nine years old this year and it was distributed by a publisher in Berkshire, not so far from where I grew up. It only took me three and a half decades to see what it looks like in colour.

Tracking down this game was a softly satisfying experience. It’s exactly as I remember. Everything makes sense. Reading through the manual reminds me of how difficult it was to try and understand this thing through a monochrome monitor, though I also think it was likely way too complex for the child I was. I don’t think I ever got anywhere. I don’t think I ever could have. But I at least know that my memory has served me well. That wizard was as real as could be.

The second thing is something about my own missing year, something that has also resurfaced in my memory as we’ve plodded through 2020. In the long, dark winter months, in the unstructured days and the collapsing weeks, I’ve been transported back to the early 2000s and to a time that now feels very familiar. Here's what that was like.

I’d been writing professionally for a few years, comfortably and competently, while still living in suburban Hampshire. As publishing moved from magazines to the internet, my work began to dry up, my options narrowed and, honestly, I didn’t respond to this shift by producing my best material. I also didn’t know what to do about all this change, becoming directionless and unsure. I didn’t yet have the confidence to take some of the larger steps that I eventually did and, instead, somewhere in all that I began to move backward. I struggled to find work. I slept the strangest hours. I was frustrated, but it also didn’t matter nearly enough to me because also, I was no longer motivated.

I have memories of waking up at all kinds of times of day and night. Of not knowing where to go. Of running out of things to take photographs of, after looking at the same local sights over and over. It was like living at the bottom of a well, with a tiny, distant view of the world and no handholds for climbing out. I wasted time because I had time to waste, something I deeply regret now, and I became crabby, unhealthy and inward-looking. I was far from my best.

The last time I was in England I found myself going through old things from the early 2000s. I found many of the books I read, a great deal of writing I’d done and, in particular, a lot of my old RPG notes. A lot of old RPG notes, an absolute wealth of work that far exceeded anything I’d done outside of any work except that on Paranoia. I’ve written before about my roleplaying past and how I have fond memories of it, but I had completely forgotten exactly how much material I had collected together. I had so many biographies that I’d indexed them. I was starting to form an encyclopedia of everything I’d done, just so that I could find and reference the things I needed.

I had also read so much, which both prepared me for my degree and began to make me a better writer. I’d mostly stopped reading in my mid-teens and this was a new spurt of interest that led me toward many of the tastes and preferences I have today. I began to develop my fiction and non-fiction writing styles and I developed an interest in non-fiction that had paid me back a thousandfold.

I was building a new me.

I see now that I didn’t lose a year. I was certainly caught in a swamp of sorts, struggling to make progress, but the experiences I had during that time still mattered. They didn’t matter right away and they didn’t matter in any way that seemed at all obvious to me at the time, but they helped to shape me and to guide me, to show me both what I wanted and, certainly, what I didn’t want. If I had the chance to repeat it, I’d for sure live that missing year differently. I’d live it so much better, so much wiser and so much more fruitfully, but I can at least see it now as not the waste I long thought that it was.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that, some time in the future, you may look back on 2020 and find your successes, your satisfaction, even your strength. I don’t mean to disregard anyone’s suffering or sadness, your feelings are valid and the pain, loss and difficulties you’ve encountered are very real. I don’t much like people who dismiss the feelings of others and I apologise if I’ve been too glib. I think a past version of myself needed to read something like this, a long time ago, and I only want to give them, you or anyone who might see this, hope for the future, a few reasons to be optimistic and, very importantly, a reminder to celebrate yourself.

Happy 2021. You made a difference. You always have.

[allthecanadianpolitics]

“In the winner category, you can put a check mark next to NDP leader Jagmeet Singh's name... He's risen to the occasion many times over the course of this campaign and I think that he did so again tonight.” -- Vassy Kapelos, CBC News

“Jagmeet had some of the best lines of the night. He had the lines that are going to play with the average Canadians. They were short, they were snappy, they speak to Canadians.” -- Mercedes Stephenson, Global News

"The most interesting person tonight was Mr. Singh. Of the leaders tonight he was the most comfortable on stage. If Twitter traffic matters, he dominated the night. Both in volume and positive coverage it was about Jagmeet Singh.” -- Darrell Bricker, IPSOS

“Jagmeet Singh was pretty strong, hopeful, positive” -- Michel Boyer, CTV News

“Jagmeet Singh was the big winner, acting the most Prime Ministerial.” -- André Picard, Globe and Mail

“1st Quarter of this debate goes too.... Jagmeet Singh. He's comfortable, speaking naturally and eloquently. He's got nothing to lose and it shows. He's doing well.” -- Mark Towhey, Sun News

“Singh is strong tonight. He’s picking up steam on the hustings. Natural campaigner. Tonight’s zinger: Canadians don’t have to choose between Mr. Delay (Trudeau) and Me Deny (Scheer) on climate change action.” -- Mercedes Stephenson, Global News

“Singh lands a blow with the government's challenge to a compensation order for First Nations kids in care. He's heads and tails above the others on this file.” -- Robyn Urback, CBC News

“So far, Singh doing best tonight, I think. Exceeding expectations, seems at ease, repeatedly suggesting Trudeau too soft on rich and powerful.” -- Stephen Maher, Maclean’s

"Singh was really strong on this. Won that round, hands down.” -- Glen McGregor, CTV

“Jagmeet Singh sounds comfortable and conversational in debate section... Not really debating (which is good) speaking to the TV audience." -- Mark Towhey, Sun News

“And Singh, right off the bat, makes the best first impression. That’s my 2c.” -- David Akin, Global News

“Singh’s pretty darn good at this.” -- David Akin, Global News

“Jagmeet Singh is looking calm on this issue of Bill 21, and has moral authority. It’s likely a very strong moment for him in this debate.” -- Evan Solomon, CTV News

“This is my first extended exposure to Jagmeet Singh. He is the only one on this stage I can relate to at all. I’m impressed.” -- Damien Cox, Toronto Star

“I may disagree with most of what Jagmeet Singh has to say - but he’s coming out swinging and so far dominating this debate. -- Tasha Kheiriddin, Commentator

“This Q from Singh is tailor-made for one of the core NDP messages through the whole campaign: that Libs and Tories are two different shades of the same thing." -- Shannon Proudfoot, Maclean’s

“Singh talking about climate change goes right to forest fires and floods...done a decent job of talking to regular folks.” -- Josh Visser, VICE Canada

“Jagmeet Singh is crushing this debate.” -- Lauren O'Neil, BlogTO

“Singh got off a good line to Bernier: ‘You could have just said, hey man, I messed up.’ Point Singh.” -- Keith Baldrey, Global News

“Singh jumps in and points out that Trudeau and Scheer are fighting about ‘who is worse for Canada.’ Singh uses this to pivot to his platforms and how universal pharmacare and dental care will save families money.” -- Annie Bergeron Oliver, CTV News

“Singh takes the Q. He says divisions are growing because of ‘hateful discourse.’ He says people's worries are being exploited, and these worries are because of government neglect of housing, health care, jobs.” -- Alex Ballingall, Toronto Star

“Best line of the night so far goes to Jagmeet Singh: '(Trudeau and Scheer) are arguing over who's worse for Canada...we should be debating what's best for Canada.” -- James Cybulski, SN650 Vancouver

“Singh: "Mr. Scheer and Mr. Trudeau are arguing over who will be worse for Canada." Captures the feeling I had there pretty well.” -- Josh Tabish, CIRA News

“Singh says JT and AS are talking about who’d be worst for Canada. We ought to focus on who’s better. Singh is having a great night. Clear. Values talk. Broad at times, specific at others. A real human. Sweet suit. On message.” -- David Moscrop, Washington Post

"I want to get back to Jagmeet Singh for a moment. To me, he seemed to be the most in control of himself and what was going on.” -- Mirella Fernandez, CTV News

“Many agree that Jagmeet Singh performed very well in the face of the revelations of Justin Trudeau's blackface. He has been quite strong in the first debate for instance, and he has performed well.” -- Adrienne Batra, Toronto Sun

“I think that the people feeling the best tonight are the New Democrats. They feel that Jagmeet Singh has had his best week this week, since becoming leader.” -- David Cochrane, CBC News

“Singh is having a helluva night.” -- David Akin, Global News

Tagging: @ontarionewsnow @abpoli @politicsofcanada

[aggeog2260]

Canada’s Carbon Pricing

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/supreme-court-federal-carbon-tax-constitutional-case-1.5962687

Supreme Court rules Ottawa’s carbon tax is constitutional is a news article published by CBC News on March 25th of this year. The article highlights the recent decision of the Supreme Court to make carbon pricing constitutional (Tasker, 2021). Essentially, by making the carbon tax a federal, constitutional requirement, the federal government will hopefully be able to move forward with their plans to reduce greenhouse gas emissions in order to meet their international obligations to the Paris Agreement.

The federal government has noted the severity and urgency of climate change, and the necessity of national carbon pricing to guide provinces and territories to keep them on track to meet both national and international goals and standards for GHG emissions. By working under the Constitutions POGG clause (peace, order and good government), the federal government has jurisdiction to enforce issues that deal with a national, or in this case, international issue. The article notes that “The POGG doctrine applies when there is a ‘provincial inability to deal with the matter’ (Tasker, 2021). In the case of climate change and the proposed carbon tax, the federal government felt as though certain provinces and territories were not able or willing to create effective carbon pricing strategies, and therefore their intervention was justified. Seeing this acknowledgement and action on behalf of the federal government suggests a step in the right direction and sparks hope for future climate - related decisions.

As mentioned, some provinces have opposed the jurisdiction, as they feel as though a price on carbon will restrict economic activity, and natural resources are provincial jurisdiction. The federal Greenhouse Gas Pollution Pricing Act permits provinces and territories to enact their own form of carbon pricing, but given the opposition that fuel - reliant provinces had, the federal government noted that should provinces and territories fail to implement a real and successful carbon pricing regime, they would step in with a carbon tax (Tasker, 2021). By creating minimum pricing standards, the federal government can ensure that provinces are meeting the goals and standards required to meet the ever demanding need for a shift away from a carbon intensive economy, while still allowing provinces and territories their own autonomy. 

One thing that I appreciated in the article was a comment made by Chief Justice Richard Wagner, who argued that despite opposition from provinces like Alberta, Ontario and Saskatchewan, the threat of climate change is too grand and great to not take action (Tasker, 2021). While I have felt this way for a while now, hearing this from such a powerful decision - maker made me feel proud to be Canadian. While I still believe that there is much more work to do, I believe that this is a step in the right direction. 

Thinking critically about the article and where the information came from, the author provided some insight about the sources of the article. They did mention that Chief Justice Richard Wagner was writing for the majority, which would have been made public. Other sources included comments made to reporters by the federal Environment Minister Jonathan Wilkinson about the discussion around carbon pricing (Tasker, 2021). It seems as though most of the sources provided come from public access forums or comments made by government members. While there were some parts of the article that did include where comments came from, I think that this could have been done more thoroughly. Overall, the article seems to have been made for the purpose of providing information to the public about the policy change and perhaps raise awareness about the growing need for carbon pricing and other climate solutions. As it is such a large topic that is being conducted at such a high level (Supreme Court), there is little the public can do in response to the article, which I believe is portrayed as the author simply outlines the information and facts around the decision.

Something that I felt like could be improved on this article would be to have provided a bit more context and definitions to the concepts raised. I felt as though the author brushed past what making something ‘constitutional’ entails. I also felt as though there was a lack of context and history around carbon pricing in Canada, and contextual information could have been provided about the Paris Agreement, and the commitments that Canada has signed onto. While they note that this will allow the federal Liberal government to push forward with their climate agenda, it did not dive much deeper into what will change given this Supreme Court decision. It also did not mention the specific goals of the Paris Agreement, which I feel would have helped paint a broader picture of the targets that Canada should be setting for itself. 

Seeing this type of change within my own country, on a large, federal scale, is very exciting and hopeful to me. I am excited to see where these changes lead and hopeful that we will continue to see climate - forward policy changes in the future. 

Tasker, J. (2021). Supreme Court rules Ottawa's carbon tax is constitutional | CBC News. Retrieved 26 March 2021, from https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/supreme-court-federal-carbon-tax-constitutional-case-1.5962687

[anewbeginningagain]

I’m not sure why all of your anons are so snarky today!

Honestly the only thing that bothers me about the commentary teams for CBC is that I’m a little uncomfortable with Tessa commentating on Fear/Gibson given how involved she is with their team. As it is, I really don’t like it when Carol Lane commentates on any ice dance and especially Piper and Paul, and I’m glad that no one from IAM does much media because it is a really strong conflict of interest. Even if it’s disclosed, it’s impossible for the commentator/coach/consultant not to view all the skaters through the lens of supporting your team(s). I know these kinds of conflicts are all over the place in sports commentary but I just wish CBC hadn’t gone there.

Honestly I don't see any issue as long as there's full disclosure (all it takes is an off-hand remark on “I worked with them several times and they were great). The skating world is very small and I can't think of a single commentator who doesn't have a conflict in some way. Carol Lane is an obvious one, but BESP uncles worked in rinks where skaters train, Mark Hanretty is a coach and a prominent figure in UK skating, Johnny Weir and Kurt Browning tour with most of the top skaters, Tanith commentated on ice dance in 2014 when her own boyfriend was competing, and don't even get me started on Russian commentators. Meagan, KW, and Eldaj have all been working with skaters these past season as well, way more than Tessa did. Out of all the things I've listed, Tessa doing little work with Disco Brits is as unimportant as it gets tbh.

As I said, the skating world is way too small and if working/consulting skaters will prevent people from commentating I'm afraid we'll have no commentary at all.

[starbuckie]

𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐚 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝

challenge: the cbc 1k writing challenge by @captainscanadian​

prompt: “do you treat all your hookups like this?”

pairing: carter baizen x reader

words: 4.7k words

warnings: fluff, angst, assault, swearing, some degrading comments, and implications of the sexy times 

summary: waling up next to one of New York’s most eligible bachelors brings on a lot more than what you expected.

a/n: what’s up y’all! i’ve essentially been dead for the past two weeks, but i’m back! i lost motivation for a bit, but i feel a lot better now, and what better way to come back then a little carter baizen? i ended up writing a lot more than originally intended, but i like the way it turned out. anyways, enjoy, and thank you for all of your support<3 

main masterlist || sebastian stan characters masterlist

As you awoke with a long stretch and yawn, memories of the previous night had you smiling like an idiot. Sunlight streamed from the half-closed blinds of your windows and the smell of coffee wafted to your room from the kitchen. You grabbed your lover’s dress shirt from off the floor and slipped a pair of satin slippers on your feet. 

The night before had been amazing. It had started with a beach reception when you had finally caught his eye. The two of you had been playing a game of cat and mouse during the whole wedding, only giving lustful stares and shy smiles, but when you finally had a hold of each other, your night only got better. The rest of the night had the sounds of only tearing clothes, pants, and moans. 

Snapping out of your sweet reverie, you stared at the man in your kitchen. His bare back was faced towards you, giving a great view of his shifting muscles while he made pancakes. A bowl of mixed berries were laid out on the table, along with strawberry syrup and mugs of Peruvian coffee. “Do you treat all of your hookups like this, Baizen?” 

Carter, finally noticing your presence, turned around and gave you a heartwarming smile. He flipped the last few pancakes over and walked over to wrap his arms around your waist. Burying his face into the crook of your neck, he mumbled, “Haha, cute joke. After everything we’ve been through babygirl, this was definitely not a hookup. And I only treat my favorite person like this, so eat up.” He gestured towards the food on the table and with a quick kiss to your lips, turned his attention back to the pancakes.

You sat in one of the chairs and took a sip of steaming coffee and looked out of the ceiling to floor windows surrounding the room. The New York City skyline would never get old from this view, no matter how long you and Carter had had this penthouse. Sighing, you looked down at your left hand, the sun casting light on the diamond on your fourth finger. 

You had been engaged for only six months, but it didn’t feel like anything new. At the age of 33, you didn’t feel any different than you did ten years before or even ten before that. Hell, you always knew that you would be Carter’s friend, but one drunken night had changed that very quickly.

As your fiance joined you at the table, he set a plate of warm pancakes in front of you. Sure, he could have had your housekeeper, Marybeth do it for him, but he also liked pampering you himself. Together, you sat in silence and stared out the windows. Carter tore his eyes away from the city to study your face. He would never understand how after twenty years of friendship, it ended with him finding his one love and putting a ring on your finger. 

“Hey, baby?” He asked, and you hummed and met his gaze. “How’d we even get here?”

You smirked and replied with, “Well, I walked from the bedroom, but I don’t know about you?”

“Don’t be cheeky,” he said, pinching your elbow. You swatted his hand away and smiled. “Anyway, what I meant to say before I was so rudely interrupted, was how did I end up with the most beautiful girl on the Upper East Side?”

“Well, if I recall, it started with me being fed up with your stupid ass, and you finally confessing that you had been madly in love with me since we were thirteen.”

“And I still am.” He moved towards you to place his lips on yours. “You’re mine now, baby.” You grinned against his lips and went to sit on his lap.

“Mr. Baizen, you’ve had me from the moment I laid eyes on you. With that cute little schoolboy outfit, and your hair! Oh god, remember-”

With a playful glare, he cut you off as you giggled. “We do not need to talk about my middle school style, fiancee, but I will gladly talk about when I fell in love with you.”

“That sounds good.” You smiled at each other and went back down memory lane, into your long, long, shared history.

20 YEARS EARLIER

Looking in the mirror, your maid had finished tailoring your school uniform. When she deemed you presentable she scurried out of the room to help your mother, and you immediately went to call your best friend.

“Carter, are you ready for our first day? We’re finally in eighth grade. Next year I’ll be headed off to Constance and you’ll be going to St. Judes, and there’s gonna be a whole ton of hot guys-”

Your friend’s chuckles were heard through the phone. “Y/N, we haven’t even begun the first day yet.”

“Yes, I know, but we’ll be one step closer to the best years of our lives!” Your mom’s voice called you from downstairs. Oh crap. Only the Lord knew that Andrea L/N did NOT want to be kept waiting. “Okay, my mom’s coming, but we’re coming to pick you up right now. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“See ya soon, Y/N.” You smiled at his voice and responded.

“See ya soon, Baizen.” You hung up the phone and ran to your vanity. Making sure your mascara wasn’t smudged while you had dressed, you spritzed on the Chanel perfume you had stolen from your mother's room. Truth be told, you only dressed up for Carter, but you would never tell him that. 

His parents were two of New York’s socialites, famous and wealthy, so they got along well with your parents. Though your dad didn’t pay too much attention to you, your mother made sure you kept up with your grades and social life. She was always the shoulder to cry on, offering you wisdom and advice. Not to mention, but your mom was a fantastic shoe designer. She was truly the greatest woman you knew. The two of you grew up closely with his sister Caroline, from the time you were babies to now. Caroline had gone to a boarding school in France in the fifth grade, but that didn't tear your friendship, and only made it stronger. However, while you stay poised and polite, Carter had always had a bit of a bad boy streak. Albeit, he was charming and sweet, sometimes too much for his own good, but the two of you were opposites. Yin and yang. Sun and moon. At the age of thirteen he was the Upper East Side’s darling sweet-talker, who had girls and boys alike fawning over him. 

Including you.

You never realized when you had started developing feelings for your friend, but it was a huge shock to you. It helped that he was cute as hell, but you got to see the sweet side of him, that was respectful and caring. He always made sure you were comfortable and happy, giving you a small sliver of hope that he liked you back. You always helped him, whether it was being a wingwoman, or giving him schoolwork, you were always there at his beck and call. 

The next seven years were absolutely painful for you, however. In high school, he charmed the skirt off of every single girl at Constance, and constantly blew you off for hookups and dates. When he was cut off and went to travel the world, you called him to make sure he was okay, though he always seemed fine to you. You stuck with him through everything, and the more you went on, you barely knew the man who claimed to be your best friend. 

Dating Serena was the last straw. You were twenty-one, studying political science and business to hopefully one day become a lawyer. Your father had disapproved of your majors, but your mom fully supported you. 

Sighing and putting your textbook away, you stood up and went to put something on for the party you were invited to. Normally, you would have stayed in your NYU dorm, but Carter had miraculously managed to get you to leave, claiming you needed to meet his girlfriend, who you didn’t know at the time. You grumpily slipped on a champagne sequin dress, and grabbed your white stilettos to match. After hailing a cab, you were off to Blair Waldorf’s house, unknowingly driving to the end of you and Carter’s friendship.

You had to admit that the party wasn’t half bad. Blair certainly knew how to decorate, and it wasn’t hard to believe, considering her mother was the infamous designer, Eleanor Waldorf. You bumped into a lot of old classmates from your high school years, and grudgingly exchanged greetings. When you finally found Carter, he had his arm slipped around the waist of a pretty blonde, making your heart drop to the pit of your stomach. He turned around, and let out a smile that normally would have made you happy, but instead filled you with dread. 

“Y/N! You made it! This is Serena Van der Woodsen.” As you went in to hug your friend, you were stopped by none other than Serena's hand stuck out for you to shake. 

“Hi, it’s so nice to meet you, Y/N. I’ve heard so much about you.” You stared into her blue eyes, and were immediately filled with envy and irritation.

You had no right to be mad. You knew Carter could date whoever he wanted, but at this point you didn’t care. Exhausted, you started to yell at the couple.

“Really, Carter? You go off to travel some other goddamn countries and come back to date a high schooler? A child? Who the hell do you think you are?” The entire room went silent, all of their attention focused solely on the college girl who went crazy. Serena stared at you, absolutely dumbfounded. As she came to her senses and started to yell back, Carter stopped her.

“Y/N, let’s go outside,” he gritted out. His eyes were burning red, and you could tell he was furious, which was never a good thing.

However, at this point your emotions were so heightened that it rivaled his anger. Once the two of you were outside the building, he started lecturing you. “What the fuck was that, L/N? I introduce you to my girlfriend, and you start yelling at her. You have no control over who I date, and you have absolutely zero right to insult them. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

He knew he had hit a sore spot there. He knew your deepest insecurities, how you were self-conscious about your body, and how you were saving yourself for the one. No one had ever looked at you throughout high school, and even if they had, you would’ve been too blinded by Carter to see any of them. He had always had you wrapped around his finger.

You chuckled mirthlessly. “You are such an asshole, Baizen. I have been there for you for years. I was always there to make sure you had done your homework, I looked after you, I fucking lied for you. I have done everything for you, and for fucking what?”

“So you yell at my girlfriend? I never knew you could stoop so fucking low, Y/N.” He glared at you, on the verge of tears, and saw that your face was already wet as well. “Oh, poor you. Cries whenever someone raises their voice at them. You had no right to say those things about her. What are you, jealous?”

Your heart stopped beating in your chest. It was the longest five seconds of your life, as tears ran down your face in hot paths, and he stared at you, for once, not knowing what to say. 

“You are.” His gaze turned sympathetic. “Wait, Y/N, I never knew-”

“It doesn’t matter, Carter,” you yelled, “I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m not gonna go on loving you, because it’s never gonna happen and I can’t sit around to wait for you. I’m done.” With that, you left, his last memory of you stomping off into the streets of Manhattan at midnight. 

PRESENT

“That wasn’t my best moment exactly.” You cringed, face flaming from your actions that had taken place that night.

Carter placed his hand on your jaw and rubbed your cheekbone. “It wasn’t your fault, I was kind of an idiot. But in a way, I’m kind of grateful, because that really woke me up to what was happening outside of that little bubble I was in. It made me see what I had lost, and remember that it was you who finally saved me from the hole I was digging myself farther into. You were my hero. Still are.”

You grinned bashfully. “But then we ended up seeing each other two years later at that other party.”

“Oh god, the party,” he smirked, “we had some fun then, didn’t we?”

“I can’t remember, we were both drunk as fuck.” 

10 YEARS AGO

The last two years had changed you. You had still focused on school and kept up with your studies, but the old Y/N was no more. Carter Baizen had ruined your life, and now you were just getting a taste of what you had missed out on in high school. A barrier surrounded your heart, with the one rule of no man staying in your bed for more than a night. You had a reputation to uphold, of course. Every social event now had your name on the attending list, and guys were lining up at your feet for a night with you. Your hair was longer, the clothes you wore out flashier and your style rivaled that of Serena Van der Woodsen’s. You were unattainable and everyone knew your name.

Your father’s private jet flew in on the evening of December twentieth. Merula, your family’s maid, helped carry your bags from the jet and your mom greeted you with tons of hugs and kisses. However, that didn’t last very long, as you had a party to attend. Going up to your old room, you took a quick, yet luxurious bath, and went to fix yourself up. Your old closet was still intact, and you were happy to know that the short red dress you had bought five years before still fit you. After you slipped on the dress and your black heels, you curled your hair in loose waves, and swiped on some dark red lipstick.

You were dead set on getting laid tonight. But then again, when weren’t you?

With a goodnight call to your mom, you ran out to the limo waiting outside your family’s penthouse. Giving the driver the address, you pulled your compact mirror from your Valentino clutch. Flawless. Like any other night. Paying attention to your looks was now tiring. And this life was lonely. You hadn’t had any friends besides Carter at the beginning, but now you were truly by yourself.

Carter. You hadn’t thought about him in a long time. In your furious haze after the incident two years ago, you blocked him on all forms of social media, and ignored any headlines from Gossip Girl including his name. It was lonely, naturally, but you had enough men filling your bed to avoid you from the empty void in your chest. The void that was filled with whispers telling you to apologize, to call him, to take him back, because the truth was that you missed him like hell.

The party was full of college kids, neatly dressed in the chandelier-lit room. Ugh. So far you couldn’t see any lookers. A couple of guys who looked like they were in their late twenties were eyeing you up from the corner, and grabbing a flute of bubbly champagne, you headed in their direction, licking your lips. As you crossed the room, you could feel more eyes on you but you didn’t dare look at them. No, you liked being in charge, controlling the room. Heels clicking against the marble floor, you blatantly checked out the tall blonde in the middle. He was pretty handsome. Cropped hair, a muscular frame, and electric blue eyes that kind of reminded you of Carter. 

Stop thinking about him, go get laid.

You stopped in front of him. “Hey, pretty boy. Can I get your name?” 

He wasn’t even fazed by your flagrant introduction. You were absolutely shameless, and though you received glares from the other women in the room, you couldn’t have cared less. “I’m Steve. What’s your name, beautiful?”

You opened your mouth to speak and Steve’s eyes widened as he saw the figure that shouted out your name, abruptly stopping you. “Y/N?”

Freezing, you prayed that it wasn’t him. His voice that haunted you daily, and made guilt and sadness pool in your gut. It had to have been your imagination. You started again. “Sorry, but I’m-”

“Y/N.” Turning around, you came face to face, well, face to chest with Carter Baizen. He had grown taller since you had last seen him. Even with the noticeably darker bags under his eyes and growing hair, he was still as gorgeous as ever. 

“Hey, Carter.” Steve had walked away by then, not wanting to intrude, but at that moment, he was the only person you needed. Heart beating in your chest, you finally met Carter’s eyes. “How are you?”

His mouth was gaping a little, taking in your form, seeing that it was so much different than it used to be. “I’m good.” Pausing for a moment, he added, “You look great.”

A blush rose to your cheeks and you managed to mumble out, “Thanks.”

“Can we talk?” 

That’s how you ended up outside on an empty balcony overlooking Manhattan. Taxis and honking were heard, but it was fainter due to blood rushing in your ears. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off. “Carter, before you say anything, I want to let you know that I’m sorry. I really am. Last time we saw each other, I knew what I did was wrong, and though I was in love with you, I had no right to be upset.” Sighing, you placed your hand in his. “Can we be good again? I really hate how we left things off.”

Silently, he nodded his head, eyes wide and subtly taking you in again. The last two years hadn’t been kind to him, after Serena dumped his sorry ass, and he ended up with no money and nowhere to run to. His mom had allowed him to stay in the family house for a while, and his father was even giving him a second chance at running the company, but it wasn’t easy for him. He was slowly spiraling down, and only when he saw you did he wake up and take a look at himself properly. He looked like a piece of garbage next to you. He hadn’t even gone to school, and here you were, even more beautiful, which he never thought was possible, and a successful law student at Harvard.

“We’re good, Y/N. I brought you out here for another reason though.” He paused and looked at you as you nodded for him to continue. “It’s been a few years, I know, and I shouldn’t be saying this now, but I miss you so much. These past few years have made me realize how much of a fool I am for you, but God, I’m in love with you, Y/N, I always have been.”

You stood up, anger coursing through your veins. Now? When it’s most convenient for him? No. You needed to get drunk. “I’m sorry Carter, but I fell out of love with you one hell of a long time ago.” Swallowing the lump rising in your throat, you continued your lie. “You made your decision, I made mine. I wanted to be friends, Carter, but I can’t have that laying around us.”

Stomping away, you heard the crestfallen voice of Carter. “Y/N, wait, please.” He stumbled his way over to you, and caught your hand again before you ripped it away. “Please, Y/N, please, I’m in love with you. I’m sorry I was such an ass, I was so stupid, please.”

Tears fell from your eyes as you shook your head. “I need a drink.” 

He numbly nodded as you made your way back inside, asking one of the servers for a gin. You needed to get drunk. It was a necessity at this point, and as you got more and more tipsy through the night, you found your way back with Steve. By now the party had started to get crazier, people making out in corners and drunkenly stumbling everywhere. Steve held you up as you grinded against him, but stopped when you felt his hand go up your dress. 

“No, no thank you,” you slurred.

He smirked, giving you a steely glare. “You’re asking for it with this slutty little dress and winding me up.” He forcibly grabbed your wrists and started to drag you to a bedroom. “I own you tonight, baby.”

Before you could scream, someone came over and punched Steve in the jaw. You were speechless, staring at his already bruising face. Once again, you were being pulled away, only this time, out of the party. The person dragged you back to your place, and your drunken mind asked, “You wanna come in?” 

Without another word, the two of you were attached by the mouth, clothes being thrown haphazardly around your room. Earlier events from the evening wiped from your memories, and you could have only hoped that your parents weren’t home. Falling into your bed, you and your unknown lover tore up the bedsheets for several hours until you both drunkenly passed out.

When you woke up the next morning, you looked up. You silently thanked yourself for closing your windows before you had left the other night, and only then realized you were cold, naked, and in your own room. 

“What the fuck.” You whispered to yourself. Throwing on a robe from your closet, you looked around seeing the scattered clothes from you and whoever you had spent your night with. They were still here.

You flew down the stairs at a record-breaking speed, and slid into the kitchen, risky business style, and saw a familiar head of brown hair sitting at the table. “What the fuck, Baizen?”

Carter calmly turned around, smiling as he blew into his coffee. “Damn, Y/N, good morning to you too.”

Scoffing, you grabbed the newspaper he held in his hands and started to whack him with it. “Ow, what the hell?” He grabbed your wrists to calm you, then pulled out a chair next to him for you to sit. Reluctantly, you sat and frowned at him, raising an eyebrow to ask what happened. “Do you treat all your hookups like this?”

“Did we…” You didn’t even want to finish that sentence.

“Sleep together piss-drunk after you told me you didn’t love me back after two years? Yes, we most certainly did, beautiful.” Though your face burned red at the old pet name, you asked for what had happened. “Well, the asshole you were dancing with tried to get you in bed, but I came over and punched him, while we were both still drunk, and I got you back here, and you offered me to come inside and we fucked.”

Your eyes were comically wide, and he would have found the situation really funny if his heart weren’t beating erratically inside his chest as he awaited your full reaction. “So,” you started, “you're still in love with me.”

He tried not to let his embarrassment show, but his cheeks flamed anyway. You smiled genuinely, but you were terrified of whether he meant it or not. “Do you mean it, Carter?”

You stared into the depths of his eyes and he answered, “Yes. I’m so sorry that I was a horrible, horrible friend to you, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. And I know you already expressed how you felt about me, and let me say, I understand completely. If you want me to, I’ll walk out of that door right now, and you won’t have to see me again. But if you let me stay , I’ll spend every waking moment of my life making sure you feel happy and loved, and making it up to you.”

He stared at you with pleading eyes, and held your hands gently. Suddenly, stinging tears obstructed your vision, and you whimpered. “I love you, Car,” you gave him a watery smile, “never stopped.”

His eyes started to tear up as well, and smiling you finally pressed your lips to his, taking in the moment. The past few years had been torturous for you both, dealing with the loneliness and pain from your broken friendship, but slowly and surely you two built trust. It took a long time, and you took the relationship slowly, but patience was key, and it was all worth it in the end.

PRESENT

“And now we’re here?” You asked. Carter combed his hand through your hair, the soothing action making you rest your head on his shoulder.

“And now we’re here.” He glanced down at you, smiling and pecking your lips.

“Damn, we had one dramatic-ass story.” He chuckled at that and sighed.

“We sure did, baby. But hey, look at us. We’re on top of the world right now. We have a wedding in a few months, you don’t have any cases, and I have the most beautiful girl in the world in my arms right now.”

You smiled against his neck. “Hey, Car?” He hummed against your hair, looking out the window. The sun had fully risen, making the room glow. “I know we haven’t had this discussion in a while, but are we ready to have kids?” His brow furrowed, but he said nothing. “Car?”

“I mean, sure, we’re both doing so well right now, and we could raise a kid here, right? We’ve got an empty bedroom right across from ours, and we’ve got plenty of space here. I think with the combination of me and you, we’d have a pretty great kid. They’d definitely have my eyes though.” 

“They better have your eyes.” You looked up at him. “So pretty.”

He chuckled and kissed your forehead. “The wedding’s coming up pretty soon though, so we can start trying after that.” You laughed as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Before we get too old.”

You smirked and rolled your eyes. “We’re thirty-three, Carter, we aren’t that old.”

He laughed and said, “I guess you’re right.” Heart beating in your chest, you sighed loudly. “What brought this on?”

You cupped his cheek and took a deep breath. When you had taken the test a week before you had been elated, only to freak out after realizing Carter might not feel the same. But you had been okay for ten years, right? When the two of you had finally gotten together, it did take a lot to find that balance in your relationship, but hell, you were getting married in a few months. Carter was your best friend, number one supporter, and fiance, so you prayed that he would be just as excited. 

“Carter, I’m pregnant.” Looking at him dead in the eye, you hoped that he would be happy. You awaited his reaction for a few seconds, and you wanted to scream in anticipation.

And then you saw it. 

His eyes started to water, and his hands moved to your stomach. ”Really?” He asked, voice wavering. You nodded, eyes beginning to tear up as well.

“We’re having a baby, Mr. Baizen.” You laughed joyfully, as he picked you up by your waist and you wrapped your legs around him. Hands found their way around his neck as he pulled you in for a kiss. 

Tears poured from his eyes, as he laughed. “I love you so, so, much, baby.” Hiding your face in his neck, you giggled some more. “God, we’re having a kid. I swear on my life, I’ll do everything to make sure you and this baby are happy for the rest of our lives.”

And he did. Not such a bad hookup after all, now was it?