#and thats reminding me of a thought thats been plaguing me for a few weeks now

[lesbianzatr]

Throws chapter five at you before running off giggling

(Sorry bro this pains me too)

HEY!!!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wileys-russo]

Emily fox, “you’re quite intimidating you know”, night club/team night out

e.fox II intimidating

"why don't you just go and say hello, she doesn't bite!" lotte teased, nudging her friend who blushed red and elbowed her. "we've spoken before!" emily defended with a huff and a roll of her eyes.

"yeah at training, 'i'm open on your left!' hardly counts as a conversation." alessia chimed in on her other side, the three tar heels squished together on a lounge chair, the entire team out for the night to bond before everyone was due to head away to portugal, captains orders.

"em, you've been here for two weeks man and you've said about ten words to the girl! i don't get it, she's lovely." lotte pushed again nodding in your direction where you were stood at the bar laughing at something kyra said, shoving her head away from you.

"why are you two being so bossy! there is an entire team for me to bond me." emily gestured around to the multitude of mostly blondes gathered around the little area they'd booked off for dinner and a few drinks.

"exactly, but there is only one forward that you keep avoiding like the plague." alessia grinned knowingly. "is that maybe because you think she's fit." lotte teased, poking at the brunette who huffed.

"no! we don't say fit anyway, thats so english." emily pulled a face and sipped on her drink. "i hate to remind that you now...live in england." lotte laughed with a shake of her head.

"sorry. do you just think she's so hot?" alessia chimed in again with a horrendous attempt at an american accent. "not the valley girl voice." emily sighed with a shake of her head.

"i don't even know her! you're both idiots." emily insisted finishing her drink. "well you clearly want to know her. you're always glancing at her, watching her from afar, blushing when she smiles at you. since when are you so shy around pretty girls foxy!" lotte grinned as the american buried her face in her hands.

"what is this? haze the new girl?" emily grunted with a roll of her eyes. "she's very single, you're very single. we're not telling you to get on one knee, but you can't avoid her all season." alessia laughed before a new look settled across her face.

"no less don't give me that, i know that look. thats your meddling look!" the american groaned, having seen it many times throughout their time at college together.

"me? meddle? i don't know what you mean." alessia gasped in mock offence, sliding away from them and standing to her feet. "less where are you going? less? less!" the american defender whisper shouted to the blonde who pointed to her empty glass and pouted, but headed right over to you.

"next rounds on you less? thats so kind!" kyra cheered in greeting, slinging an arm around the blonde as you chuckled at your national teammate. "kyra stop being a pest for thirty seconds would you? shoo!" you gestured with your hands as the younger girl scowled and flipped you off but slunk away to find someone else to annoy.

"what are you drinking?" alessia smiled, bumping her shoulder into yours and nodding down to the lack of a drink in your hand. "water." you winked in return as the blonde pulled a face.

"boring! tomorrow is a day off. i thought australians knew how to drink?" alessia teased, waving over the bartender and respecting your wishes none the less.

"this ones emily's. i'm dying for the toilet, can you take it over to her for me?" alessia asked nodding down to the other drink she'd ordered, basically running away before you could even say something.

"typical." you sighed, dodging kyra who tried to steal the other drink and making a beeline for your newest teammate. "hey i need to speak to leah about something, be right back." lotte interrupted her friend mid conversation, emily frowning at the sudden way she stood and hurried off.

"hey!" but her face paled and eyes widened as you smiled down at her, offering her the other drink in your hand. "less got it for you, ditched me with it at the bar though." you rolled your eyes playfully and raised an eyebrow when the american didn't make a move.

"its not poisoned, you can drink it." you teased, but the friendly demeanor faded as emily tried desperately to make her brain and mouth match up, only able to open and close it wordlessly.

"okay...i'll just leave this here for you then." you frowned, slowly placing it on the table in front of her with a smile that this time didn't meet your eyes as you turned to leave.

"no wait! please sit." emily finally found her words as you hesitated for a second and she slid over slightly, gesturing to the space beside her. though as you sat down and she grabbed the drink with a quiet thank you, the uncomfortable silence returned.

"you know i think those four words are the most i've heard you speak. i thought americans were supposed to have big personalities?" you tried again with a slight teasing tone, leaving the space open for if she'd jump in.

"well i thought australians were known for drinking!" emily tried with an awkward smile as you shook your head. "why does everyone think that? there is more depth to us than that!" you laughed, sipping on your water.

"well you're quite intimidating you know." emily admitted as you looked at her in a mix of surprise and shock. "me? like you're one to talk you avoid me like i have a disease!" you laughed as the brunette look confused.

"i don't! i promise. or i didn't mean to if it seems i have been." emily sighed apologetically. "i thought you may have been avoiding me after the last time we played the US, that tackle." you winced at the memory, given a yellow card for the way you'd accidentally swept her legs out after she'd gotten rid of the ball.

"that? oh i was ready to kill you...months ago. i hadn't even given it a thought since then, well until now." emily assured with a smile that you returned, seemingly relaxed a little more at her words.

"i'm just...awkward? and you seem to have everyone and everything figured out, i've not heard anyone say a bad word about you." emily revealed as your smile softened. "you don't seem awkward. and i've had a couple of years to find my feet, you'll do the same too!" you bumped your shoulder into hers gently.

"okay i'll tell you a secret." you placed your water down on the table and turned to face her a little more. "i'm not drinking because i'm taking my driving test tomorrow and i've already failed it three times, last thing i need is a hangover." you groaned quietly, cheeks warm with embarrassment.

there was a pause of silence and you wondered if you'd said the wrong thing until finally as you were about to stand up there was a break through.

"stop laughing at me it isn't funny! i told you that in confidence." you huffed glaring at her as she clutched her stomach. "how did you fail it three times? i've been here a month and i passed first try!" emily shook her head in disbelief.

"i can't parallel park." you mumbled, eyebrows furrowing and crossing your arms as you huffed. "what? its easy!" emily laughed again as you sighed. "i just get all the angles wrong and i panic and well the last time i clipped the car in front." you blushed bright red, something emily had to admit was an adorable sight.

"no way." "way, its tragic."

"hey kyra! thirsty?" you frowned in confusion as emily called over the younger girl, handing over the drink she'd barely touched as the midfielder snatched it with a beaming grin and a thank you.

"what did you do that for? you know she won't buy you one in return, she's a massive scab." you rolled your eyes knowing the girl all too well, owed many a drink you know you'd never see.

"what are you doing on your day off tomorrow?" emily questioned ignoring the one you'd asked her as you shrugged. "groceries, sleeping in-" you started to list off the errands on your list as the american shook her head.

"wrong. we're going to get up early and get a coffee, maybe some breakfast, then i'm teaching you how to parallel park before your test." emily responded confidently, waving off your attempts to say no.

"okay, its a date." you eventually gave in with a grin, noticing the slight change in her facial features and the way her eyes widened. "oh i'm so sorry i don't mean like-" you hurried to back track but the american held up a hand, catching alessia's eye over your shoulder.

"yeah, it is a date."

[angrythingstarlight]

While my mind always goes to Bucky first in any form, I also thought about Ari this time. What thoughts does this inspire in you, queen?

🪄🫀

Pairing: Demon!Bucky x Reader

A/N: Unbetad, written on my phone.

Bucky is the bane of your existence. Ever since you got the best of the demon last winter, he's plagued your doorstep like his never ending shadows. Trying to make you pay for your insolence, his wounded pride not able to accept that he lost to you. An unassuming, shy soul that he should have easily devoured.

He's intent on getting you down on your knees, his attempts at making you beg him for forgiveness are fraying at your already fraught nerves. You bested him. You won his game fair and square. He should be on his knees for you, not the other way around.

Not when you were so clever, for once in your life anyway.

If that happened more often, you wouldn't have found yourself needing to make a deal with a demon in the first place. But it what it is and you actually came out on top.

He can't stand it.

Bucky always comes out on top. As he likes to remind you. Daily. Relentlessly.

Since he won't leave you alone, you've decided to make him useful.

Bucky wants you so fucking bad, you're going to make sure you're taking up residence in his mind all day, every day.

You're going to make him do your bidding. Which is to leave you alone and suffer. Maybe do a few things on your behalf. For a few weeks anyway. Once he sees what you're capable of, he'll move on to some other poor soul and forget all about you.

It was surprisingly simple to find the right spell. Well, simple after a few attempts left scorched marks along the top of your counters. You'll deal with that later.

You're adding a few unnaturally blue petals to the jar when your phone buzzes. BUCKY flashes across the screen.

He added himself to your contacts a month ago. Right around the time, he convinced your neighbor to move out and give him the apartment. Bastard. You liked Thomas, he was nice.

Bucky even kept the guy's cat, the fluffy white traitor keeps traipsing in your place whenever you open the door. Sometimes...sometimes you swear his eyes are the same shade of blue as Bucky's. Thats crazy, you shake off the thought and go back to your jar.

The only thing left is a lock of his hair. You snagged that during your last fight, under the guise of pushing him out of your place. Your hands shook for almost hour afterwards, so sure that he was going to realize what you did. But he never came back that night. You're lucky. This spell is useless without it. Normally things never go your way but recently everything has been working out for you.

Except the irritating demon darkening your doorway. Your phone buzzes. BUCKY. Again. BUCKY. Again. Bucky. You'd shut it off but it always rings when he calls. No matter how many times you block him.

You swipe through the messages popping up on your screen. Don't even think about it. Stop it or I will. Don't fuck with me. I can feel what you're doing and I promise you sweetheart, you will regret it.

Eh. Not the worst things he's sent you.

You pick up the strands, your hand hovering over the open jar. Bang. You startle, nearly knocking over the jar. One hand shooting out to steady it, the frothy liquid sloshing over the rim of the glass. Your heart pounds in your chest, slamming painfully against your ribcage. Bucky shouts your name. Silence. The silence is worse than him screaming, it feels more ominous. A tremble slices through your hand as you bring the short chestnut locks above the concoction. A series of rapid fire bangs rattle the walls of the kitchen, the floors shake under your feet.

Alarms rings your in brain, warnings to stop, it's not to late. You don't. You're not sure why. It feels like you should but you can't.

You open your hand and watch in rapt fascination as his hair sinks into the jar. Before your courage seeps out of you, you screw the lid on and shake once the jar. Twice. The rattlingly stops and the room goes quiet. You can only hear your soft breathes and the slow tick, tick, tick of your clock.

A warm breeze winds around your legs, traveling up your body in a languid wave. Notes of smoked cedar follow, your head feels too light yet too heavy all at once. You stumble backwards, hitting something hard. The kitchen window tilts, melting into the sink below, the walls twisting and darkening around you.

A hand smooths up your belly, your chest, pressing into the column of your throat before cupping your chin. Your face is tilted up and you blink, trying to clear your vision.

Blue eyes stare down at you, a cascade of emotions shimmer in their depths. You can't make sense of what you're seeing. Then he smiles revealing a set of pearly white teeth, his tongue runs across his bottom lip.

"Wha—"

"It's time to go. You wouldn't want to miss your honeymoon would you?"

What. You're going to kill him.

Bucky winks as he gathers you in his arms. "You can try wife as many times as you want. I look forward to it. After I get done fucking you."

This was supposed to be a simple answer and i got a little carried away. Anyone interested in a demon!Bucky tricking a reader into being his bride? Because now I have thoughts 👀

[extravaguk]

santa&prada

part of my opposites attract! series. 

ksj / knj / myg / jhs / kth / jjk

pairing: rich!jimin x reader

summary: Yeah, Park Jimin most likely didn't even realize he was being a rude and disrespectful son of a bitch.

wordcount: 5k

genre: smut - angst(? - fluff (? idk u tell me

rated: m 

warnings: a christmas fic in late november, cursing, a huge misunderstanding lmao, i call jimin ‘park jimin’ too many times bc i felt like it, car sex, oral (f recieving), some good ole spanking, (kinda) rough and unprotected sex, a lil of dirty talk, spit kink. thats about it. just an excuse to write jimin fucking you in a car. jimin is not as bad as oc thinks srsly.

The first time you meet Park Jimin is through mutual friends. On a firday night on December, with white, red and green lights decorating the streets of New York, filled with the typical hustle of the masses doing last minute Christmas shopping, the freezing weather impacting your body temperature, cursing yourself for choosing tights, a skirt and heeled boots that are too pretty but too uncomfortable to wear.

You had never considered yourself a particular enthusiast of Christmas festivities. You guess discovering Santa Claus was, actually, your parents before the rest of the kids in your class was one of the many reasons that made you grow up too soon and therefore, not allowing you to fully enjoy the month of December. Or maybe it had nothing to do with Santa, and more to do with your parents deciding to get a divorce a day before Christmas Eve. A traumatic event for seven year old you, but completely forgotten and overcome by twenty-four year old present you.

Growing up each Christmas suffering the consecuences of a shared custody would have probably had a disastrous effect on anybody else, but not you. Although the separation was a tough reality to accept at first, fortunately your parents were always capable of raising you in an environment full of love and affection, just like any other kid. And you prided yourself on having moved on from those circumstances a long time ago (even if your therapist disagreed and blamed many of your behaviors on it. Whatever.)

To put it simply, December was just not the month for you. It was just another month, like the remaining eleven of the year, except Mariah Carey's voice was heard every five minutes everywhere you'd go and people gave each other presents as if it was only during that time of the year when they remembered their loved ones. 

The only thing you could thank Christmas for were the well deserved two weeks of holidays our work allowed until the new year's arrival. Fifteen days of rest, peace and baking those gingerbread cookies that Seokjin died for and that you sincerely denoted as nauseating.

You truly had no idea what exactly you did wrong that night. You don't know if it was something you said, or something you did, but what you did know was that Park Jimin pursued a silent and personal vendetta against you that continued nowadays.

"Here are your disgusting cookies, you filthy animal." it might have been that very first sentence you said when you entered the bar and reunited with your friends that didn't cause a good impression. "Shit, it's cold as fuck. My nipples are harder than my life." or maybe it was your selection of words while you waved every familiar face hello until you stopped to look at the only (pretty. too pretty, as well) one you had never seen before.

"_____, it's Chrismtas! Santa Clause will only bring you a lump of coal if you keep cursing like that!" Lisa laughed while she kissed your cheek and made space for you to sit next to her. "Oh, by the way, this is Jimin. A friend of Namjoon. He's a newbie!"

Park Jimin was stunning, you had no trouble admitting that. You weren't blind, you weren't stupid, and you could go as far as theorize that his dark eyes, his light and always immaculate styled hair, his sharp jawline and those plump lips as red as cherries must have been sculpted by Satan himself.

Fuck, you were even sure you'd be on your knees in front of Park Jimin in an alternative universe begging for his dick inside your mouth. But in the universe where you and the real Park Jimin reside, he would never come near you unless somebody was aiming a gun into his skull.

You're not precisely sure what it was, but a brief exchange of glances and an evasive and sligh shake of hands with Park Jimin was enough to make you feel ashamed and withdrawn for the rest of the night.

If Jimin wasn't even able to drop a polite "Nice to meet you", he sure as hell wasn't able to pretend you even existed.

Even the small talk you had tried to engaged with him about his shiny pair of shoes went terribly wrong.

"Oh, are those Dolce and Gabbana?"

"Dolce and Gabbana are homphobic, racist and sexist, so no" the grimace on his face should've been enough to make you regret speaking to him in the first place , but the snarky voice of his made you want to run away and hide from him until next Christmas.

In reality, you swore you didn't care. Seriously. Other's opinions were never something that could easily bother you or keep you awake at night. You had always turned a deaf ear to the cruel children that made fun of you due to your parent's divorce, you had always ignored the amount of men that never considered you "ladylike" enough (what the fuck did that even mean, anyway? what exactly made a lady and what didn't?), and you had always disregarded any envous comment surrounding you.

So, fuck Park Jimin! You had said to yourself. He's just a well mannered rich boy. Somebody who didn't resemble you in any aspect. A stupid, pretentious, spoiled boy who's had everything he's ever wanted in the palm of his hand, unlike you. Who the fuck cares what Park Jimin thinks? 

But apparently, you did. 

You would have never placed such importance to whatever it was that roamed inside Jimin's head if his appearances in your group of friends hadn't been so recurrent.

Because each time you were forced to see Jimin's face, you were also forced to experience a strange knot of discomfort and humilliation growing in your stomach in his mere presence. It's not like Jimin did anything specific to make you feel that way. He might not even do it on purpose, or his intentions might not be entirely evil. Maybe he simply didn't realize how he always avoided being by your side like the plague, or how his body immediately tensed and he balled his hands into fists everytime you were less than two feet away from him, or how he would look at you from the corner of his eye everytime you decided you speak, almost as if he was waiting for you to shut up to finally let out the air he was containing inside his lungs in relief.

Yeah, Park Jimin most likely didn't even realize he was being a rude and disrespectful son of a bitch.

And with time, you couldn't help but attribute that disdain and hostility that Park Jimin always directed at you to the many undeniable differences that constituted each of you. Park Jimin, with his impeccable and always well ironed Prada shirts, his spotless trousers, jewelry that probably costed more than three of your annual salaries, and always emanating that Givenchy fragance that screamed "wealth!" every rare occasion you could experiment his presence next to you. Exactly two years after that first meeting with Park Jimin, you hadn't been able to avoid reciprocating that feeling of contempt towards him. Not when you were the only victim of his arrogance. Everybody loved Park Jimin, and Park Jimin loved everyone. 

Except you.

Clinging to your glass of Don Pérignon and finishing the rest of the liquid in one go, you try to snap out of your own thoughts, reminding yourself to return to the conversation you're currently having with Taehyung about a pretty waitress that he's met during one of his art exhibitions (or at least that's what you think you caught him say) and forcing yourself by all means to stop observing the friendly and kind smiles that Park Jimin was shooting to those present from across the room and that you will never be able to achieve. 

"_____? Are you even listening to me, darling?" Taehyung's voice is what makes you finally look away from the dumb blond standing on the opposite side of the room, blinking a few times before clearing your throat. 

"Sorry, Tae." letting out a sigh, you try to brush back and put in place the strand of hair that escaped the intricate hairdo you had tried and so miserably failed to do yourself to try to fit in and hopefully impress such environment of preppy and privilaged people (ahem, Park Jimin)  falling on your forehead as best as you can. "Just been really stressed this week and I'm on another planet. You know how I feel about Christmas. I think I need a new flute of . Or five."

Taehyung sends you a look full of empathy and places one of his hands in your shoulder, squeezing lightly in a comforting way. "I'll get you another one. I'll be right back." You quickly interrupt him though, to prevent him from standing up before you.

"No, really. I'll go. I need some fresh air anyways, if you don't mind." And of course Taehyung doesn't mind, so you get on your feet as graceously as your tipsy state allowed you to (who told you it was a good idea to drink three glasses in less than thirty minutes of the extremely expensive champagne Taehyung had brought to the Christmas party he had organized and why did it convince you it would appease your anxiey?) and make your way towards the table where the rest of the bottles are. A table dangerously close to the conversation Jimin and that friend of Lisa (whose name you don't remember) were having.

Both are with their backs turned and, honestly, you take a silent moment to thank God or whatever is up there because the last thing you need right now is yet another awkward interaction with Jimin, so you try as best as you can to refill your glass of champagne to get out of there as soon as possible, praying to make your exit going unnoticed.

But no. Because the stars and the universe loved to align to make you suffer! They love to play with your karma and they love making you damn that one day you didn't help that lady cross the street. They love making you regret buying those plastic straws. They love making you feel guilty for hacking your neighbour's Wifi when you run out of money to pay for yours. Because the moment you try to take a hold of the bottle in your hands, it slips out of your grasp, and you're watching in slow motion how the sparkling berverage ends up spilling all over the extremely expensive (or so you assume. Balenciaga maybe) suit pants Park Jimin decided to wear that night.

Everything is kind of blurry and you can't even hear anything. You can only watch as Park Jimin turns around, lips parted and eyebrows furrowed, until his eyes find you, the bane of his existance and immediately recognizing the culprit of his now drenched piece of clothing. And you can watch as, once again, his gaze turns almost black and narrow lightly as to reprimend you for what you've caused. But of course he doesn't say a word. He has nothing to say. He doesn't even look surprised. No. Because obviously, Park Jimin knew that if there was somebody in this room willing to ruin his night, it would be you, and only you.

"Shit!" you're the first one to break the strained silence, but that only makes Jimin flinch. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm so fucking dumb! J-Jimin, I'm so sorry, let me just go grab a paper tow-"

"Don't." his voice cuts through you. Literally cuts through you. Because it's not often that Park Jimin decides to aim his words at you, but everytime he does it holds the same frigid tone. Like knives trying to painfully stab your being. "Just, don't."

In reality, you don't know a lot of things and you don't know what causes what happens next. You don't know if it's the specific time of the year, you don't know if it's your internal stress, or if it's Park Jimin, his voice, or the fact that he will never like you. But it's instant. They way something compresses your chest, and suddenly your eyes are not glaced by the alcohol but by something wet that threatens to flow. You would never admit to anyone they're tears.

So, shutting your mouth and swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of anguish in your throat, leaving your flute forgotten on the table and grabbing the bottle instead. Without saying a word, your feet start moving up the stairs of the ridiculously enourmous house Taehyung owns towards the first free and empty balcony you can find. Free of people and free of Park Jimin.

Closing the large window behind you, you allow yourself to close your eyes and take a deep breath; the icy temperature outside immediately welcoming you. Although the hairs on your arm stand up and you know you're probably going to catch a cold (because the dress you've chosen for the dinner is not at all appropiate for such winter climate), at least the tension in your body seems to disappear while oxygen keeps that ugly feeling in your heart at bay from continuing to choke you.

With shaky hands, you take a big gulp straight from the champagne bottle. Fuck Park Jimin. No man will ever have the power to make you feel what you're feeling right now.  Fuck Park Jimin. And fuck his beautiful face and his ability to make you tremble and fear looking like an idiot. Fuck his fancy clothes and his perfect manicured hands and his marvelous but frigthening presence. 

Knock knock.

The sound makes you jump back from the window, hand grasping your chest while you turn around, coming face to face with the man in question.  Your first instinct is to ignore him. But that thought is already out of the way when it's him the one who struggles with the window lock before opening and taking a step towards you. You step back as he steps in, raising your head up high and puffing your chest. Because your second instinct is to tell Park Jimin to go fuck himself.

"_____, I would like to-"

"You would like to what?" Jimin looks taken aback at your harshness. Alcohol has always been a weapon of mass destruction in your system, provoking words to flow too easily and without filter out of your mouth, more than they already do when you're sober. Especially when it's mixed with the frustration you've been harboring inside of you for two years. That's why when the words start to come out, they won't stop. "To make me feel like shit one more time? To look at me with that fucking conceited face trying to make me feel like you're better than me? Or would you like to ignore me once again as you always do everytime we're in the same fucking room to make sure I know you hate my mere existance, even if it's just the two of us right now?"

The steam leaving your lips due to the accelerated beat of your heart blurs his face for an instant while he looks at you dumbfounded. The silence and his expression makes you scoff, an acidic smile adorning your face while you take another sip of your drink because even with such a stupid face, he still looks delectable with his white shirt and ruined pants. You turn around, removing a tear that you hadn't even realized had fallen during your speech and that, frankly, you were hoping he hadn't either. You would blame it on the cold, anyway.

This time, a gust of wind running through you from head to toe, making you forget of Park Jimin's presence looming behind you, reminding you it's still December and the fabric of your dress is doing nothing to conceal you from the cold.

But before you can do anything about it and blame yourself for being dumb and not taking your coat with you before deciding to step into balcony, Park Jimin surprises you once again, this time by placing his navy blue blazer over the naked skin of your arms.

Your back straightens when you feel his warm breath caressing the back of your neck, at the same time that a voice you have never heard Park Jimin use with you echoes in your ears.

"I really don't hate you, _____. I..." Jimin wets his lips. His body trembles, but it's not due to lacking his own coat, while his brain hurriedly searches for words eloquent and adequate enough to explain voice his thoughts. "I like you very much, _____."

Scoffing again while you shake your head, you push down with all your inner strenght the incipent fluttering of butterflies in your stomach that Jimin has managed to cause in just a matter of seconds. It's probably the longest sentence you've heard from him in two years, and you don't exactly understand why your body is reacting the way it is. But you're also not willing to give Park Jimin the satisfaction of knowing that. He doesn't deserve it anyway. So with all the courage you can muster, you turn around with your hands clenching.

And even though being at such short distance from Jimin is a bit overwhelming and unexpected for you, the irritation still making your blood bubble is enough to not let a man as handsome as him derail you from your current circumstances.

"Well, fuck you Park Jimin. You certainly have a funny fucking way to sh-" his hands cradling your jaw that pull you closer to him and his lips that silent you roughly, but with surprising care. Only for a moment. A moment in which your body betrays you and make you melt into hir warmth. But his voice, low and sinfully husky, murmurs against your lips. 

"God, that mouth of yours..." he goes back to attacking your own lips, this time more firm than before, snatching a sigh from you. The sound has his tongue asking for permission into your mouth, and with your body betraying you once again, you part your lips to allow him in. It's him who whimpers this time, while one of his hand moving until it reaches the bottle in your hand and letting it drop carelessly onto the floor, ignoring the sound of glass shattering and the future scolding you'll get from Taehyung. Instead, he sneaks that same hand on your waist, pulling your body flush against his, fingers digging onto your skin. "It's been driving me crazy for two years. Two years, _____."

He mumbles between kisses and swipes his tongue against yours, while he stars walking the both of you until your back meets the nearest concrete wall. 

"Two years of having to hear the incessant filthy words that leave your mouth..." his own stop their movements and you catch yourself before begging him to reattaching his lips to yours, enjoying instead the path of wet kisses and bruises his lips traile from your chin to the pulse of your neck "...and trying my best to hide the painful boners I get whenever you're nearby." 

With your eyes shut, your hands are back in motion, ignoring the voice in your head reminding you he's still an asshole and finding their way between Jimin's soft golden strands of hair. He hums in appreciation, sending goosebumps all over your body. "So, s-so why not do anything about it sooner?" you say, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe properly.

You feel Jimin's body tensing before you and he ceases the movement of his lips against your neck. Breaking away, your heart stops, afraid you might have ruined the moment. But Jimin's in search of your eyes, eyebrows very lighlty raised, the intensity of his gaze pinning you in place. You don't know for how long you stare at each other until Jimin comes out of the trance, eyes descending over your flushed cheeks, the very same color as your lips and the soft flesh of your neck until they reach your cleavage, the glimmering fabric encasing your breasts, taunting him the same way they had been doing all night long.

"You scare me so much..." and then, one of his hands repeats the same journey his eyes just did, until he touches your shoulder, right under his own blazer. "Everytime I look at you, all I can think of why the hell a girl as real as you like you would even glance my way." he slides the strap of your dress slowly tentatively, just enough for you to stop his advances if you chose so. You don't. "You're smart in ways I could never compare, so funny it makes me jealous, and so pretty it leaves me speechless. You're...You're everything I'm not."

His voice resonates in the atmosphere, and you would love to blame it on the cold again for how your body has reacted, but your body heat has increased so much since he started kissing you that it would be stupid not to admit that it's just the effect that Park Jimin has on you tonight. You're sure he would've had the same effect if it had happened before.

Your now uncovered breast doesn't even has to suffer the consequences of the icy wind, because one of Jimin's arms quickly comes around you to hold your body against his, lifting you ever so slighty until your erect nipple is at the same level as his mouth and his lips are enveloping it in their warmth. You gasp his name, and that encourages his teeth to tug softly before his tongue stars moving in circes. 

"My God, you're so perfect." Your head spins while you hold onto his shoulders as tight as you can, the undeniable heat roaming all over your form, hips involuntarily rutting his incipent erection poking your abdomen. "Been thinking about this since that night we first met." Looking for relief, Jimin mirrors your movements without ceasing the administrations on your chest, as one of his hands lifts one of your thighs to wrap around his waist, closing the short gap remaining between the both of you. 

"Ohmygod! F-fuck, Jimin," trying to form coherent phrases is almost impossible, not with Jimin finding a slow and tortuous rythm with his hips, his clothed cock rubbing against your core. Something shifts in the air, because Jimin stops abusing your nipple with a loud pop, and shuts you up by pressing his mouth onto yours in an urgent, dirty and desperate kiss. You could almost hear him swearing, while his hand keeps your jaw in place.

"S-stop talking like that, ______." his voice, inaudible, and his face now hiding in the crook of your neck, the thrusting of his hips speeding up, more and more frantic this time. The hand not holding your thigh against his hipbone reveals your other breast, hand covering it and giving it a light squeeze before tugging at your unattended nipple between his forefinger and his thumb while his tongue and teeth mark the skin on your neck. 

"Hell, I've been dying to stuff your mouth with my cock to prevent you from such foul language," the soft whimpers leacving your mouth coax him into taking the hem of your dress and bunching the fabric until his fingers easily find the place in your body calling to him the most through the lace.  It's immediate, how his fingers dampen at the first touch, surprising the both of you, and how your body jolts and an embarrassing sob escapes your throat. "How-how are you this wet? Holy hell, I could just slide right in..."

And as he says that, one of his fingers pull aside the fabric of your underwear and glide into you, so easy. You insides burning while he fingers you, another finger being added with his thumb rubbing circles on your nub. And fuck, you're not sure if you're just too horny and Park Jimin is a magician with his hands, or maybe it's the way he keeps mouthing at your chest and whispering how soaked you are, but you don't think you've ever been so close to cumming in such a short period of time.

"W-whats stopping you?" you manage with a voice that doesn't even resembles yours, but before your hands can even make work of the zipper of his trousers, he pulls his finger out from your center, causing you to whine in protest.

Jimin licks his lips, eyebrows framing the dark expression that his eyes ooze. Although the desire in his eyes is more than evident, it is also evident the faint hesitation in them. Because Park Jimin doesn't do things this way. Park Jimin was raised in a world of correct manners and conservationism. A world that has taught him when and how to act. And as badly as he is dying to fuck you against the wall of Taehyung's ridiculously inmense house, he also wants to do the right thing. 

"Let me take you on a date." 

Park Jimin has been spoiled his whole life. Being born in a well-off family has always provided him of everything he had ever wanted and more. From the innecessary number of toys Santa Claus left under his Christmas tree every year since he was a baby, to his fisrt extravagant sports car at the age of eighteen. Park Jimin has never been a greedy or needy man. How could he, when he's had everything he's ever wished in the palm of his hands. He has never missed anything in his entire life. Hasn't missed a roof over his head, warm food on his plate or brand new designers clothes each week. 

It has taken him two years to control himself. He still remembers that night he first met you, just like he remembers every single time you both had coincided in the same place at the same time. He remembered your scent, had memorized your figure over your pieces of clothing and had tried as best as he could to keep a distance from you because he knew you would never give him the time of day. How could you? You probably despised everything he was because he was definitely nothing like you, and that thought intimidated the fuck out of him. He was a mess everytime you wear nearby. Never relied on his voice because he knew he would stutter if you ever spoke to him, could never trust his eyes because if he ever looked at you he was afraid he wouldn't be able to look away. 

And everytime you spoke, shit, that voice of yours always cursing here and there left him wondering how would you sound in a different setting and if you would still be that badmouthed. More specifically, between his sheets. So he did everything he could to minimize your interactions as much as possible. He just never thought he would come across as such a jerk. It was never his intention to hurt you, and seeing you cry that night (although you denied you did, over and over again) seriously made him realize he wanted to make things right. 

He was trying really, really hard to keep it in his pants, to be the same well composed and controled Park Jimin he had mastered himself to be. 

But that damn dress.

After seeing that little black dress hugging your figure when you started taking off your coat at the restaurant, the brief flash of thigh tights that you accidentaly (or not so accidentally) had blessed him with by crossing a leg over the other, that exposed collarbone calling his name and those heeled sandals with straps wrapping around your ankles, reminding him of the snake tempting Eve, Park Jimin was sure he needed to dig into that apple more than anything he has ever needed before.

That's why he surprises you right after you both finish the second course meal by telling the waitress you won't be having desert, at which you look at him somewhat indignant. But the look he shoots you is enough to make you understand if somebody was going to have desert tonight, it would be him. In his Mercedes. 

"I'm gonna-" you gasp, fingers tugging at the soft strands of his now ruined blond hair, his head between your thighs and your legs thrown over his shoulders. His hands have a grip of the meaty flesh of your ass, holding you firmly againt his mouth as it works wonders on your clit. You're sure it hasn't even been ten minutes since Jimin had opened your legs in the backseat of his car, not even bothering to take your underwear off, simply moving the fabric aside before diving in, and you already feel yourself on the edge of an orgasm.

"I know." voice vibrating right into your core, he slows down his administrations, tongue carefully and delicately lapping at your folds while he enjoys the feeling of your fingers loosening their grip and fondly brushing his hair back. You meet his eyes as he pushes a finger inside your core and your whole body twists in agony. 

"N-no!" 

Jimin stops immediately, lifting his head and focusing his concerned eyes on you. He's about to ask you if he's done anything wrong, but you're fast to roughly pull him up by his hair until his face is leveled with yours. You answer him by kissing him and he returns the kiss with the same eagerness, and now it's your hands that are looking for his cock, palming him through his pants.

"Your dick. Inside. Right Now." you punctuate each phrase with a kiss and he only stops kissing you to pout.

"But I wanted you to cum on my tongue." but still, he's putty in your hands when you undo the botton and the zipper. "Wouldn't you rather me fucking you in my bed, where we're more comfortable?" you notice the slight quivering of his voice when you slide his trousers and boxers down, just enough to pull him out. 

"You can eat me and fuck me as many times as you want tonight, tomorrow and whenever you'd like, but right now..." none of you contain the moan in unision that leaves each of your mouths when just the head of his lenght comes in contact with your entrance. "I really can't wait anymore." brushing your lips over his, you lower your voice. "Wanna get on my hands and knees for you."

Park Jimin has tried to do things the right and appropiate way throughout all his life. He's been a professional from a very young age on how to be in charge of his emotions, his desires and his impulses. Always well mannered and well composed. 

But it's in this moment that Jimin comes to the realization that the only thing that has ever made him lose his mind and self control, is you. Seeing you like this, ass up, grinding your drenched and still thong clad cunt all over his precum dripping lenght, he can't control the way his hand bunches the fabrick of that damn dress over your waist, then flies to your right cheek, a sharp sound of skin filling the air, tearing a gasp from your throat.

"God, I'm-I'm sorry. Couldn't help mys-"

"Do it again."

And he does, the palm of his hand now leaving a reddenning print on your flesh, making you jolt back involuntarily, aligning yourself to the head of his cock and like he had hoped, he slides right in. Not all the way, because Jimin is sure he would cream inside you too soon and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he did. He wets his lips, clenching his jaw and dropping his palm one more time, hand more steady and purposeful. 

"You like it rough?" voice hoarse and a hand beside your head holding himself, your back to his chest, twitching beneath him as he soothes the sting with his free one. 

"I like you rough." turning your head slowly to peer at him from the corner of your eye, your hips moving on their own accord trying to take him deeper. Your head is suddenly pulled back harshly, Jimin's fingers tangling in your hair as his own hips close the remaining gap between your bodys in an abrupt thurst. You squeal, Jimin's cock finally filling you up to the hilt just like you wanted him to be, the pleasure making your arms wobble and finding it harder to mantain your balance. 

Jimin's breath fawns over your ear, his tongue darting out to suck on your skin sending chills down your spine. "You're such a dream." he groans, torturously sliding out of your core that's gripping around his shaft for dear life. A whine of protest escapes your lips and he tightens the hold on your hair in response, diving right back in. You fall forward, your arms' strenght betraying you as his thrusts find a new rhythm. With your eyes closed shut, you try to muffle the sound of your voice with the back of your hand as Jimin's lips place soft kisses to your exposed shoulder.

"Don't be quiet." he stands straight, the pull on your hair arching your back in such a enticing way it was Jimin look away for a second, cock buried inside of you and his hips faltering. "Been dying to have you like this for so long."

Another clap of his hand against your right cheek, and a particular stroke of his dick that has you mewling as your climax approached again. "S-so good, Jimin. Oh my god."

"You're gonna cum for me?" his fingertips leave bruises on your skin and the windows of his Mercedes are foggy, just like your mind. You can't concentrate on anything that's not Jimin's cock sliding in and out and how much you wished this had happened way sooner. "Gonna cum for me like a good slut?"

Park Jimin always takes his time. Always does things nice and slow to assure the best outcome possible. 

But he can't contain the acceleration of his hips against yours as your walls clench impossibly tight around his cock, your orgasm finally taking over . Can't contain himself from falling forward again, hand twisting your head in his direction and his mouth searching for yours in a fiery and messy kiss. And he most definitely can't barely contain himself from cumming when your you ask him to spit in your mouth. 

"You're gonna kill me." he breathes, removing himself off you and quickly maneuvering you on your back, his dick finding its way back inside you. Picking up right where he left off, skin slapping against skin in an obscene melody, he collects a considerate amount of saliva in his mouth before dropping it into your welcoming tongue, watching you swallow with a smile he hopes he'll be the only one to see in the future. 

And that's what has the last bit of his self restraint slipping from his fingers. He somehow manages to rip the top of your dress down, fabric tearing until your tits are free and his mouth is attacking your nipples, white strings of his release panting your walls, some of it them oozing out that he fucks back right into you. 

It's between ragged breaths, kisses and tender carresses that Jimin promises you more dates in the future and new dresses that he can't promise not to savage apart again.

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Ghost - Part 16

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: swearing, violence, mentions of death, fluff. 

W/c: 2.3 k  

A/n: Welcome back, and Happy Labour Day! We’re winding down here folks, but I’ve got some spicy chapters coming up... Thats all I’m going to say about that. But honestly, the biggest of thank you’s to @cutie1365​ for editing those parts because they were rough. I embarassed myself quite afew times. Anyways, enjoy babes! 

The sun burned into the cabin windows causing the dust that hovered stagnant in the dull room to sparkle. Bucky had tossed and turned for the past few hours, trying to rest his eyes, but it was to no avail. Instead of torturing himself further by counting ceiling planks, he groaned out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen. It appeared he wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping. 

Steve and Wanda hovered over Vision as he sat at the kitchen table, typing into the laptop. 

“Sergeant Barnes, I’ve located Agent L/n” The android spoke, freezing Bucky in his tracks. 

“You found Y/n?” He stumbled over his feet, joining the three of them as he watched the small red dot on the screen blink slowly. There you were. 

“Okay, that's not too far from here. Maybe a half hour right. Keep your comms on, I’ll get packed and head out now-”

“Alone?” Wanda spoke surprised. 

“I can handle a couple of Hydra picks. And I’m not risking what happened to Nat to happen again.” 

“That's not really up to you, jerk.” Steve sighed. “I’m with ya… Till the end of the line, remember?” 

Bucky’s eyes softened at that, watching as a small smile pulled at the corner of Steve's mouth. His relationship with his best friend had been a little rocky these past few weeks to say the least. But for the first time in a long time, he trusted him. Completely and fully. Bucky wasn't alone, not any more. 

“Alright, punk. Let's go get her back.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

You squeezed the trigger, wincing as the machine in your hand clicked. 

Silence. 

You pulled it again, but same as before nothing happened. 

“Oh, baby. You're even more ruthless than I remember.” Tommy taunted, holding up the clip in his hands before springing from the floor, charging at you. You quickly dodged him, sending him into the wall behind you. 

“You’d really shoot me? After everything we’ve been through. Bucky Barnes must have some pretty good moves. Remind me to ask him when Hydra gets their little pet back.” 

You growled, “Take his name out of your mouth.” 

“And what about you, baby. Has it been in yours?” He cooed, lunging at you and hammering a stiff punch to your jaw. You stumbled back a few pases, but ultimately regained your balance. 

“I trusted you. I loved you!” You screamed, rocketing your leg forward and sweeping it under Tommy’s legs, knocking him down. He gasped on impact, clutching his chest for air. 

“Tell me,” He wheezed. “When he touches you, do you think of me?” The small smirk on his thin lips disappeared as you brought your boot down on his throat. He choked and gasped for air, but none came. For a moment you wondered if this was really who you were. A killer, nothing but a numb shell of a woman he had left behind. 

You watched as his face turned a deep shade of purple. He furiously clawed at your leg begging for air. It would be so easy. With your strength and a little more added pressure you could completely crush his windpipe. Hell, you're sure you could rip his head clean off, but you didn't want blood on your new combat boots. It’s funny, all this time you were thinking Bucky was the monster. Yet here you stood, Tommy’s life in your hands and there was nothing you'd enjoy more than watching his eyes roll back into his skull. Just like before, only this time there would be no second chances. 

The commotion outside the small room had your head snapping up and away from your prey. Gunfire echoed through the hallways, causing you to freeze. As the footsteps neared your room, you made your decision. Tommy would get his one way or another, but not if you died first. 

Reluctantly you lifted your boot off his now bruised and raw throat. He drew a jagged breath as the air rushed back into his swollen lungs. You grabbed the mag from across the room and reloaded the gun with a deep click. 

“Not a word.” You threatened Tommy, pressing the pistol into his head behind him. If you were going out, it was going to be a bloodbath, starting with his.

The metal door was torn from its hinges in an explosion of dust and concrete.

“I’d pull the trigger if I were you, doll.” His familiar husky voice boomed. 

“Bucky?” You all but whispered. 

“We’re not killing anyone.” Steve spoke from beside him as he and Wanda walked through the dust filled room. 

“You came.” You swallowed down your exhaustion you only now realised was there.

“Of course we came. Couldn't leave my best girl. All though, now I see you can take care of yourself just fine.” Bucky chuckled. You couldn't help the smile that spread across your lips as relief filled your lungs. 

“They're gunna’ to kill you.” Tommy coughed out. Bucky’s eyes shot to his, and as if it was the first time he had really realised he was in the room. 

“Oh, you must be Tommy. You know, heard great things, but now that we're meeting - officially- I have to say, I’m disappointed.” He took two wide pases to the quivering man, looking down on him. “You're shorter than I thought you'd be.” Bucky half joked. 

“Go on Winter Soldier. Do what you do best. Show her who you are.” He breathed, more confidence in his small voice now. He truly had a death wish.

“With pleasure.” Bucky seethed. You prepared yourself for the gruesome image that was about to unfold but the next thing you felt was Bucky’s hands on either side of your arms. When you opened your eyes, his were soft. 

This time, you knew who initiated it. You wrapped your hands around the back of his neck and pulled him down to you, crashing your lips onto his. They were soft and rough all at once as he drank you in. His flesh hand quickly lost itself in your hair as he pulled you in deeper. He kissed you softly, but you urged for more, desperate and craving to make up for lost time. He chuckled darkly at your attempt, holding you tight to his chest. He wanted nothing more than to hold you like that and never let go, but there were bigger things at play. Reluctantly, he pulled away as you gasped for breath. 

“Wanna get out of here?” Bucky breathed, taking your hands in his. You nodded, completely lost in thought. 

“Please.” He signed, following Steve and Wanda out of the room. 

“You can't just leave me here!” Tommy shouted. 

“Don’t worry, darling. Hydra’s going to take care of you. I mean, you let me get away, but I’m sure they’ll understand. After all, historically Natzi’s have been known for their forgiveness...” You grinned, turning on your heel and coming face to face with him.

“Y/n, please. Baby, you gotta’ help me. I'm sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Tommy begged. His meak words caused you to grit your teeth. 

“I want you to remember this when they’re torturing you… I could have killed you. Easily- without regret. But you deserve so, so much worse.” You signed, slapping his face mockingly. You turned on your heel, as his words hit your back like a threat. 

“You're a slut, you know that. No one will ever love you like I did. You'll always be a sad, broken, pathetic bitch. Lucky your family fucked off when they did before they could see you grow up to be such whore.”

You stopped dead in your tracks. Bucky watched you carefully as you gnawed on your bottom lip, pleading with your eyes. He met your silent question with a shrug of his shoulders. Swiftly you turned and before Tommy could understand what was happening you took a fistful of his polo shirt and instantaneously collided your fist with his cheek, knocking him out instantly. 

“God damn, you're beautiful.” Bucky breathed, causing you to giggle. 

“Lets get the fuck out of here.” You spat, watching Tommys limp body crumpled on the floor. It took everything in you not to finish the job right there. Luckily Bucky was there to pull you away. 

You were quickly rushed through the hallways, avoiding the Hydra agents who writhed in half conscious pain on the floor. A nice touch by Wanda, who most likely sent them to their personal hell on earth. A few of them had bullet holes in their appendages but nothing fatel. 

“Why aren't we killing them again?” You asked under your breath to Bucky. 

“Steve thinks if a bunch of Hydra agents wind up dead ittl’ alert his friends back in New York. We’re trying to keep a low profile.” He explained, clenching his jaw. “Doesn't mean I’m not tempted to rain down fire on these sons of bitches. But he’s right.” 

“But they know how to replicate my serum now. What do we-”

“We’ll keep close tabs on them. Right now we need to get you out of here. We’ll come back when we regroup.” He resaured you, pulling you close. “You're my mission. You've always been my mission. Can you just let me save you?” He chuckled. 

You shook your head, a smile spreading on your lips. “I don't need a knight.” 

Bucky flashed that lopsided grin you missed so much, “How bout’ a Sergeant?” He asked deeply, sending a chill to blossom through your body. 

“I’ll get back to you.” You spoke sheepishly. 

“Sam says the jets fired up. He and Vision are on the tarmac just out front.” Steve spoke, leaning you out the doors and into the burning sunlight. The four of you ran across the pathment as Steve helped Wanda into the aircraft. Wanda wrapped her hand around yours and pulled you up, but before you could climb in, the sound of gunfire exploded through the air. 

In the time it took you to turn around, it was too late. Bucky had taken the blow of two bullets fired from the disheveled Hydra agent across the tarmac. Your heart stopped as another round of bullets sprayed through the air. Wanda screamed your name as you pulled away from her and threw yourself in front of Bucky, absorbing the impact. In a flash of red, you disintegrated the bullets, turning them to dust before you. 

“Get him out of here.” You ordered, turning for a moment to assess his injuries. Steve and Sam reluctantly pulled Bucky onto the jet leaving you to face your demon. The agent smiled wickedly. 

“Leaving so soon, Y/n. Family reunion not all you thought it was going to be?” He snearned. 

“Family. Is that even a word you understand?” You spat, closing in on him. He was only a few yards away. The man shrugged and tucked his gun away. 

“Maybe not. How about some words you'll understand?” He spoke coolly. 

“Выхлоп.” Exhaust. The word echoed around your mind, a memory pulling at your heart. 

“Отражение...тоска...забытый...горящий...призрак...пять...замороженный...мост…  чувство вины.” 

Reflection...Longing… Forgotten… Burning… Ghost… Five… Frozen… Bridge… Blame.

Images flashed through your mind. The inferno of your childhood home. Tommy’s lifeless body tipping over the bridge… Your mom and dad, the way they smiled. You're sisters giggle. Your mission… Finally, numbness washed over you as you hung your head in exhaustion. 

You took two steps closer to the man, your heart pounding in your chest. 

“Are you ready to comply?” He questioned curley. 

“Yeah, that doesn’t work anymore.” You breathed, snapping your head up to meet the man's horrified face. Crimson flames erupted out of your hands as you lifted him off the ground. With the flick of your fingers, the bones in his legs snapped, an ungodly sound of crunching willing the air. He screamed in pain as you threw him like a ragdoll into the side of the building. 

You shook your head, physically trying to rid yourself of the daze Hydras trigger words had sent you into. Bucky calling your name from behind knocking you back to reality. You ran towards the jet, climbing in and trying to steady your breathing. 

“Are you okay?” Steve asked, astonished. 

“I think so.” You replied, just as shocked as he was. 

“Those were trigger words. Just like Bucky had. How did you fight it?” He spoke. 

You looked to Bucky who only blinked at you. You had your answer before you even spoke. 

“Bucky. I just remembered Bucky.” You breathed, squatting down beside him and holding your hand over his wounds to relieve his pain. 

“I knew it.” He groaned, feeling the ache slowly dissipate into thin air. 

“What?” You chuckled, taking a seat beside him and pressing your lips to his temple. He signed into your touch and leaned his head onto your shoulder.  

“Knew you couldn't leave me for dead. You’ve got my six.” He explained, repeating his words from the other day. You smiled into your lap and rolled your eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah. I thought it might be a dick move. But we’re even now.” You sighed, nudging him a little.  His eyes fluttered closed as he began to doze off. His wounds surely repairing themselves while he slept. You wondered if he could hear how fast your heart was beating as you watched him nuzzle into you. 

Of course, he did. He smiled softly, knowing he made you feel the same as you did him. Though he wondered if he was pushing his luck to imagine he could take that thought one step further.

.......................................................................................................................

A/N: So, #fuck tommy. Telling him off in this was honestly therapeutic lol. I really hoped you guys enjoyed this one. As always, please like and reblog of you’ve read it. And feel free so leave some feedback, its alwasy welcome! 

@projectcampbell​

@kalesrebellion​

@calwitch​

[bleufrost-archive]

Can I please request a h/c for Keanu/F!reader, where she is pregnant and how they manage that at different stages and their life in the public eye/public events etc. Thanks so much, I love your work! 💙

Keanu Reeves x Reader: Your Road to Her (pregnancy)

masterlist

a/n: I hope you like this lovely! I focused more on the stages because I genuinely feel like Keanu wouldn’t be the type of guy to allow for the public to get too involved in something so important for him. He seems really protective of his privacy and a baby would tenfold that in my mind, i hope thats okay with you!

**i also want to apologize, i thought i had this queued for a week ago and didnt notice it never went up :(

warnings: pregnancy, mentions of miscarriage (this is fluff tho dont worry!) 

From the moment you and Keanu find out the news, he’s ready and willing to do whatever it is you need. At first there aren’t many signs that the baby is even growing in your tummy, you almost get worried at the lack of morning sickness and cravings. Keanu is always there to reassure you that everything is okay though. 

He takes you to doctor appointments constantly the first month of your pregnancy. The first few are your idea, wanting to do everything right and keep track of the little one. The next seemingly hundred are definitely his idea. He is way more nervous than you are, but he does his best to not let it show through. You need someone to be a rock, and who better than the father? 

If the first month was almost completely normal, the second brings forth hell. There’s a constant feeling of nausea and fatigue radiating through you. Every little thing and smell causes your stomach to churn. Keanu tries at least a thousand different recipes to find something you can keep down, but nothing really works. At the very least, it’s still easy to go out in public and only be put in tabloids for grabbing coffee with your boyfriend. You aren’t quite showing yet and you enjoy not having to hide your baby from prying eyes for the moment.

The third month gets a little easier than the second physically. Mentally is a different story. There was a panic in your mind that you hadn't shared with Keanu the first two months, but in this third you almost feel as if you have to. 

Miscarriage typically occurs within the first trimester of pregnancy and you're so close to getting out of that, but you can't do it alone. 

"I'm scared I might lose the baby." You say it one day after your emotions catch up to you. Keanu finds you a sobbing mess on the floor of the bedroom when he comes home one day. His heart thuds in his chest when he catches sight of you in pain and he worries instantly that something terrible must have occurred. 

"What is it? What happened?" His hands come up to cup your face and he wipes your tears away gently. You shake your head, tears still falling, and he wraps you in his arms. You're safe here. The baby's safe here. Everything is okay as long as you don't have to leave. Eventually of course, you do have to. 

The fourth month leads to the second trimester, and the second trimester means new discomforts. Finally able to eat again, you discover that you really don't have any boundaries when it comes to what you'll happily consume. When one moment you couldn't keep anything he made down, now you were becoming a guinea pig for every new baked good and meal that Keanu feels like testing out. One time you even accidentally eat something that may or may not have been for people, but that's not something you want to think about. 

The random food only fuels the inevitable heart burn and constipation you get though. A large part of you feels gross for the way your body reacts to the pregnancy, but Keanu reassures you time and time again that he finds you to be nothing but gorgeous. 

Now it's not so easy to hide. You both spoke about being in the public eye the first week of your pregnancy. It was a mutual agreement that you really didn't want to be photographed while carrying your baby. There was so little privacy already, your child doesn't deserve to be exposed to the world before they're even able to open their eyes. You stop going out places with Keanu as much, and when you do go out, you're both heavily covered. 

Months five and six are miracles. One night, while Keanu is sitting and reading to you, you feel it. 

"Oh my god." Your hands fly to your belly and you can't stop staring. Keanu drops the book and stares at you with wide eyes. "What's wrong?" You look to him and laugh in both delight and confusion. Without saying anything you grab his hands and place them down so he can feel. It takes a moment, but then it happens again: the small little kicks of your baby as they remind you that they're here and excited and just can't wait to meet you guys. Both of you cry that night, anticipation and joy radiates between the both of you and you know this is exactly where you're meant to be. 

The seventh and eighth months get a little difficult again. News outlets have caught on to the fact that you're carrying and they truly are relentless in their endeavor to get a peek at your baby bump and confirm suspicions.

In a few interviews Keanu is asked to comment on his feelings toward the pregnancy, but he gently declines each time. He hates disappointing people, but you and the baby mean way more to him than any fan or public image

One night an interviewer pushes a little too far. Keanu was near ready to leave the set altogether, angry that someone would so easily ignore his requests for privacy. Luckily, he was able to calm himself down pretty quickly with one thought of you watching at home. Once more, he smiles and declines the questions. 

By the time the eighth month is closing and the ninth beginning, Keanu has gotten into a rhythm of rubbing your feet and back almost daily. The extra weight puts a strain on your joints and it sometimes feels like you're lifting heavy dumbbells every time you move. He's very patient and gentle as he always is, but now he watches every move you make with uncertainty. It's about this time that going into labor can be unpredictable and he desperately needs to be ready for anything. 

With great hesitation, he takes on a new role at this time. He received the script in the mail a few weeks earlier and was ready to decline immediately, but you wanted him to take it. It would help him get his mind on something else and relax. Besides, hearing him research the role and practice lines soothes you in a way that you could never describe.

You laugh the most at this time. The baby can hear their daddy speaking. His animated voice lights up the room and Keanu can always tell when the baby is responding by the giggles that leave your mouth. His heart beats faster at the thought of his child already being so happy with you guys. It calms any nerves he has about his new role as daddy.

There's bags ready and packed by the door for weeks. Keanu sleeps with a protective hand over the baby and the other wrapped around you tight. He wants to feel if anything happens and sleeping this way comforts him and puts his mind at ease because he knows that if you or the baby stirs, he'll feel it. 

It happens one day in the kitchen. You're sitting on a chair by the counter that Keanu had pulled up so you could be with him comfortably while he cooked. The two of you are laughing over a playful argument you were having on how much spice to put into the dish when you feel something wet. 

Your laugh stops suddenly and your cheeks blush with intense embarrassment, but you just sigh and move to get up. Wetting yourself is humiliating, but you know the man standing before you would never make you feel bad for something you can't control. 

He spots the wet floor and instantly his eyes light up. "Can you help me clean this please? I'm sorry." Keanu bolts over to help you stand. He shakes his head in shock and starts leading you over to the front door. "Babe, I need to go change and clean up the mess, where are we going?" 

He laughs in confusion and slight panic, leaving you by the door and grabbing his keys. From the kitchen you hear him call, "Sweetheart, I'm pretty sure that was your water breaking!" You look down in disbelief, surely you would know if that was your water breaking...right? 

A jolt of pain knocks any thoughts out of your head and all you can do is breathe until he gets back to help you. 

All the way to the hospital, Keanu is guiding you through the periodic pains that plague you. Sometimes it doesn't hurt as badly, but then a new wave will wash over you and leave you gasping for air.

The actual hospital arrival is a blur. One moment you see him rushing to check in, the next you can feel yourself being wheeled down a hall. You think you pass out for a moment, but can't be sure. All you know is that you're now in a room being told to breathe deeply. The contractions are not yet close enough together to initiate anything, so you just have to stay as calm as possible.

There isn't a second in your confusion that he isn't there by your side. You can tell he's scared by the way his eyebrows knit together and his hands tremble, yet his smile still lights up the room and his voice brings you down from the discomfort. He reads to you until you feel as though the waves are no longer coming one at a time. They all feel like they're happening at once and he instantly calls for a doctor.

Giving birth is agonizing. The exertion compares to nothing you've ever felt before and you can feel an endless flow of tears stream down your cheeks as you continue to get told to breathe, push, relax, push again, breathe…

Your eyes lock with his, hand reaching out for the strong grip you always seek for support and he wraps it around yours with no hesitation. Unlike most stories you'd heard, Keanu isn't panicking or on the verge of passing out. He's always been highly attuned to both life and death, and as much as he hates seeing you in pain, he knows that this is a fleeting moment that will lead to the most beautiful child both of you have ever seen. Your pain destroys him, but your love and willingness to endure it builds him back up even stronger than he was before. Just one look into his beautiful, deep eyes gives you strength to keep going, so you do. 

As soon as your screams die down, a new one begins. It is by far the most lovely noise that has ever graced your ears, and although you knew it would keep you both up for months, you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The nurses clean the baby off just a bit, the real bath could wait. Right now you both need to hold the little one just as much as you need to breathe. 

You are given her first. She is gently placed into your arms and your lip trembles as you can't stop the onslaught of tears that overflow your eyes. She is stunning. Nothing in life could have ever prepared you for just how gorgeous this tiny little baby would be. Her eyes weren't open, but you knew that one look into them would make you gladly give up the world for her. 

In that moment, Keanu feels as though his lungs give out. Nothing matters outside of this hospital room right now and he feels no need to be anywhere else but here. His arm remains where it has been the whole time, protectively holding you. The other, though, is free. He has a strong urge to protect the little girl. His shaky hand comes over to brush the soft hair on her head. As soon as he feels her delicate little head under his fingertips, his heart swells and he lets the tears fall down. 

The little bundle of joy was safe and warm and oh so loved. When the nurses came in, they found the three of you asleep. Keanu held you protectively in his arms, a hand still gently petting the baby's head. Your arms were holding your little angel as your head leaned against his strong chest, finally getting some rest after your long journey to get to the little girl that now felt like home. 

[crescendeyes]

It’s been a difficult week for me, nah, I’m lying. It’s been a difficult few months to be exact.

I kept asking myself what plagues me more? Being stuck here and not be able to escape the reality of my condition or being stuck in a loop of emotions that will never end.

I look back at my previous heartbreaks and it made me feel more and more jaded of ever feeling somewhat normal or independent again emotionally. I now know that your feelings for someone can fade; like how when I recently hung out with Sean, I had zero feelings or attraction to him. 

Even when he tried to initiate some kind of sexual advances, nothing tickled me. I just saw someone who thought he still had some kind of control over me but he didn’t. It made him look pathetic. 

I took my time to realize what sort of person I am - and that is somebody who won’t let anyone a second chance to ever hurt me or have front row seats to my life again when they hurt, betray or paint me a fool. 

And that is what fuels me to move on from somebody, but it doesn’t mean the pain hurts less. It just means I feel more desperate to get out of this rut I am feeling. The pain is shame. Shameful of the fact that I allowed someone into me like that. I may sound prideful but it essentially boils down to ego. 

Love is not unconditional anymore. Not in this day and age. They say love comes easy with someone and it shouldn’t so hard and they’re right. I know love like that but I also took a very important lesson out of this chapter to realize how heartbreaks don’t get easier with each. They don’t make you feel like it is a lesson but a reminder of how you’ll continue to fall into this trap because we can and want. We’re so wired to love this feeling that when we get ripped apart, we’re left wondering why are we the only ones suffering while the person who left gets to be happier than you do. 

How selfish is that? I guess thats what happens when you get hurt so often, you forget how it feels like to be treated well. To be unconditionally loved. I don’t think that shit exist anymore. 

You know what is funny? I told Aaron, that he is not difficult to love because I meant it. Looking back, I should’ve stayed away from even loving him as a person, as a friend. I thought he’d be different. I thought, he would be so so different, that he would treat me right but as it turns out I was just his life lesson. His last letter to me was filled with so much BS that I wish I could stab him with his lies. 

I just wish, I don’t crave love. 

I just wish, people would stop telling me lies bout how they truly feel bout me. Loving me is a lie. Loving the idea of me is more of the truth. People can go fuck themselves, just please, leave me alone already ffs. 

[riftimagines]

hello 💓 if you're accepting requests (feel free to ignore), I'd really appreciate it if you wrote something about sett. for a few weeks, his girlfriend avoids him because someone tells her that she is too much trouble for him after finding out she's hiding an eating disorder and self-harm from sett. she believes this person and decides it's realy the best if she just disappears from his life. sett finds out and immediately goes to find her? fluff and soft boi sett? 🥺❤ thank u ❤

I had actually did headcanons for this but it just got too long so I turned it into a  one shot! I hope you don't mind that and you still like this!

Sett x Self-harming!Eating Disorder!Reader

Warnings: Trigger Warning, Attempted Suicide, Self Harm, Minor Character Death, Minor Blood, Minor Swearing.

Catching the eye of the infamous Ionian pit fighting ring boss seemed impossible but lo and behold one trip to the pits with some adventurous friends and now you hardly ever leave his side. Ever loving and charming in his own gruff way. He always made you feel normal and happy even on days where you didn’t feel right. When you felt empty and not enough food could fill it or even the thought of food made you want to throw up and never eat again he was there to make all the badness go away. Everything for once felt decently right and you could just live as best as you could with someone that actually loved you for you. Too bad that didn’t sit well with some of the more envious eyes.

A green monster’s eyes stare into the back of your head with bitterness. Why would their tough, strong, handsome boss care for such a weak, pathetic nobody like you? You weren’t even a fighter for deities sakes! So what made little worthless you so much better then them? They were stronger, better looking, and didn’t have weird eating problems. They just needed you to leave him since Sett seemed so adamant on staying with you. Unfortunately for you the opportunity for them to strike arose rather quickly when Sett turns to you.

“Hey, babe I need to check in with my bookies for the nights payouts, you keep my seat warm alright?” You nod happily and he grins and gives you a quick peck on the cheek before walking off to the bookies office. As you sit there you can’t help but feel a looming presences behind you. Turning around you spot one of Setts underling fighters looking at you. They take your look as an invitation to saunter up to you and glare down at you in Setts seat. You can feel the bubble of anxiety building up in your abdomen as they stare you down. They pick up a fruit from the table next to the seat your in and they lean in close as they bite down on the fruit hard enough that you could feel the juice from it land on your cheek. You cringe at the sight and your are not sure if your want to eat a fruit or throw up at the thought of eating it. They chew for a moment before before speaking to you.

“So your the boss’s new arm candy? Must be for charity or something.” Your brows fur in confusion and you glare up at them. They snort loudly and eat more of the fruit.

“I mean why would such a man like Sett like a little broken thing like you? So feeble, useless really, I heard you can’t even eat right. Here, have a fruit.” They toss one of the same fruits they were eating at you. You catch it and stare at the fruit like its a foreign object. It looked edible but then could you stop eating or would it just make you gag? As you contemplate the fruit your harasser just laughed.

“See, you can’t even decide if you want to do a basic human function. Even babies know what they want. I feel kinda bad for the boss. He has to put up with you and whatever the hell is wrong with you. Such a pain in the ass if you ask me. He probably just stays with you so he looks nice to better people. You know attract the better normal people.” You look down in shame. Sett wouldn’t do that to you, would he? No, he wouldn’t, but then again he didn’t know the broken side of you. The days of eating mindlessly or not eating at all for a couple days or the days where  you did eat but just threw it all up. He didn’t know that you would physically beat yourself up about it. The scars that criss crossed across your arms, a daily reminder of the darkness in your mind. As your mind wondered the underling observed you and realized what you were thinking.

“ Oh, he doesn’t know does he? Now your a lier as well as a broken waste of space. You know, if you really supposedly love him wouldn’t you want him to be happy with someone who’s probably better for him in the long run. I’m sure you know as soon as he finds out about your little eating problem he’ll want you leave you for something better. Might as well save yourself some pain and let him go first don’t you think?” You felt a horrible familiar pain in your heart. It would be better for Sett if you weren’t around being a ball and chain. He could most defiantly do better then you. He deserved someone better then you. The fighters eyes brightened as the seeds of doubt were now planted in your head. It would only be a matter of time before your out of the picture.

“You just think about that, huh? If you can’t be good for him let him have someone who is good for him. Don’t let him suffer your problems. He doesn’t deserve your problems, no one does.” They say that last part with bitterness and a sharp in your face glare then made their leave back to the corner where they came from. So many things running through you head. Sett loves you right? Yeah he does, of course he does and you love him, but he didn’t know about your problems. He didn’t know that you had trouble with eating or how much you hated your self because of it. He doesn’t know that your a dirty lier that hasn’t been honest with him about all your faults. The fighter was right, you needed to leave Sett, he needed someone so much more then you. A perfect, honest, wonderful person for a wonderful, handsome man like him. You were lost in thought for who knows how long until a large shadow overcast you. Sett looks down with you with his lovely sharp toothed grin and dipped down to kiss you.

“Hey babe, I’m back everything’s good to go. You ok there hun? You look a little sad. Did someone hurt you? Just tell me babe I’ll make sure they’ll never hurt you again.” He cracks his knuckles and neck and looks around for any potential culprits.

“No love, I’m just tired its getting late thats all.” You tell him. More lies. Another fault and reason why Sett should be free from you. He looks a bit skeptical but he doesn’t push and instead settles down in his seat next to you and holds you close to him. He was so warm and comforting. So much more then you deserved. Starting tomorrow Sett will be free, no matter how much it would wound your heart.

The following weeks were so incredibly hard. You had been avoiding Sett like a plague and it was waring on your very soul. Every time he wanted to see you you would leave or make an excuse. Any dates he wanted to make you’d say no. He’d be so confused and sad but you’d take off before he could say anything. Everyday now you would cry. Everyday controlling how you ate was more of a task then it had ever been before. The small blade you had to defend your self now became the thing of your self destruction hardly ever leaving your hand and in those hands left a trail of blood and shame in its wake. In the sanguine pools around your limbs your life drained from you. It hurt so bad but good at the same time. The pain of your skin being split open by a sharp blade hurt for a short while but there was also and inexplicable relief in this pain. Though in the end your end will not come. Only a new mark will stay on your tapestry of sorrow that was your skin. This tapestry had become your life recently. The constant waves of agony that washed through you were only soothed this way. You try to convince yourself that Sett could never have loved this. This was all for the best, all for your dear love, Sett. It had to be.

Unknown to you Sett was getting rather fed up with all this running away and avoiding him. He loves you dammit and he knows you love him too! So why the hell were you being so distant lately? He was grumbling to himself and putting everyone in the pit on edge. Bookie and fighter a like knew what happens when you test the Boss when he’s in a bad mood. Nothing good they’ll tell you what. While everyone was generally avoiding Sett while he was irritated one particular fighter saw this as a chance. You were gone, you had to be to put him in this kind of mood. Time to test the waters. They made their way over to the beast man, who paid them no mind in the slightest. They frowned then coughed loud enough for the boss’s ears to twitch. Sett quickly and aggressively rounded on them and growled.

“What do you want? Can’t you see I’m not in the mood right now? Buzz off!” They were taken a little aback by his sheer aggressiveness. Now they knew he’d be a little upset but to be this upset over a broken thing like you was a bit ridiculous. It almost seems that he actually liked you but that couldn’t be it because no one in their right mind could like you. Well if he was going to be rude then they could be rude right back.

“No need to be so rude Boss. Im sorry if your little fling flaked out on you but they were certainly nothing to be upset about losing.” Before they could say anything else Sett moved with such speed they had no time to react. Their head hit the wall so hard the world started to blur and spin. Sett was snarling as he lifted up this dead weight bastard by the throat and slammed his head against the wall again. No one talked about you like that in front of him NO ONE.

“And just what the hell would you know about them?!” They yelped in pain as Sett punched them hard in the gut hard enough for some blood to dribble out of their mouth. A dark grin appeared on their blood stained face making Sett glare and tighten his grip on their throat. Ah, they had truly underestimated how much he didn’t know about you. It was likely Sett wouldn’t let them live but at least they could go out knowing Sett’s love would waver when he hears the truth about you and maybe just maybe you had already left this world and they could rub it in your face in the afterlife.

“More then you apparently. Little flake was broken anyway. It would be so much better for you if you just let the little defect go. I mean a guy like you shouldn’t have to deal with a creature that can’t decide if they want to eat a lot or nothing then just throw it all up or just spit up acid. Then on top of that have to deal with their “accidents” that they give themselves because they can’t handle their own mind. Honestly a waste of life that no one should put up with. You should just let them go. That is if they haven’t left this world already.” Sett blinks as he takes in all that information. You had eating problems? You HURT yourself? You want to avoid him so you could break yourself more because you were afraid of he would leave you? None of that set well with the beast man. You didn’t need to hide that from him. He loved you so much and if you had problems he’d want to be there for you. He NEEDED to be there for you, but first he needed to take out the trash. With a deep growl Sett channeled some of his Vastayan power into his arm and quickly crushed their throat. Blood sputtered out of their mouth for a moment before they fell completely limp. Sett dropped them like a sack of potatoes and turned to face some of the other fighters who silently watched the scene unfold and nodded for them to get rid of the body. Two of them moved quickly to dispose of the corpse and the others stood there in fear of their boss.

“Alright fellas I’m gonna head out for a bit. I’ll be back later with my babe and if anyone has any crap to say to them you’ll end up like that horrible bastard thats being taken out the door, got it?” Everyone in the room collectively agrees and Sett promptly leaves the terrified room behind. He needed to get to you now. If anything that A-hole said was true then you were probably not ok and if you weren’t ok he wasn’t ok. He kept you in mind as he started to run as fast as he could towards your home, hopefully he wasn’t too late.

In your seemingly dark and cold abode you sat on the floor in front of you bed. Sullen, in pain, and defeated there seemed to be no end to this sadness today. The only thoughts that ran through your mind were of your imperfections and your love who needed to be free from the blemishes of your life. You held the blade in your hand precariously. You were so used to the blade grazing the skin as of late that it didn’t bring anymore of that reliving pain. Perhaps you needed to go deeper. Yes, you needed to go deeper the pain was deeper so you just have to push it in closer to the core of your misery. You looked at the thing that had become a part of you arm its sharpness could go in so far it could be so easy for it to just pierce the core of your being. If it did everything would end. All the pain, the doubt, the indecision, gone. Thats what you want. Everything to be gone. You bring your end closer to you and in the process catch the sight of your arms tattered in red lines and blood splatter of today. Sett would be so sad to see that. He never liked to see you in pain, always wanting to fight away all your problems, such a sweetheart. A small smile actually appeared on your face as you recalled the memory of the day Sett told you he’d kick the ever-loving ass out of anyone that would even try hurt you. Such nice thoughts. Hopefully Sett’s next love will appreciate such protectiveness. The sliver of a smile you had fades and the knife in your hand and the wounds on your arms become more real. The pain rolling back into your chest double time after the happy memory. No he didn’t need this. You were a horrible mess that needed to be disposed of and you had the way to be disposed of in your hand. You feel nauseated as your mind races. Everything hurts. Everything hurts please make it stop! You gasp and begin to cry. You didn’t want to die, you wanted to live happily with Sett, but that could never be. You didn’t want to be that much of a burden to him. This is how it has to be. You hesitantly bring the blade up to your chest and start to hyperventilate. No, yes, no, yes, don’t do it you deserve to be happy with someone that loves you and he’s out there waiting for you. Lies, he probably doesn’t even notice your gone just end it and lets be free from all this pain. Your so lost in thought you don’t hear the pounding on the door or the sound of it breaking.

“Babe? Babe?!” The loud, sudden yelling in the room draws you from your thoughts and a blur rushes to you and wrenches the knife from your hand and throws it across the room. Your in shock as two large, warm, strong arms wrap themselves around you and pulls you in to the large man their attached to. You look up and see red fluffy hair and a dark purple fluffy vest collar in your face. Sett, he came for you. Tears bubble up and begin to rain down on Sett’s shoulder. He coos you softly and sits down fully on the floor and pulls you into his lap. His head presses softly against yours and he begins to kiss your tears away. A calloused hand cups the side of your face and makes you look up at him. He looks so concerned and slightly frightened. He was scared of losing you and you almost let your life slip away. So stupid, your so stupid, he really did need someone better.

“No I don’t! The only person I need is you. I was so worried about you. You started avoiding me and I didn’t know why. I was so confused, I didn’t understand what was happening. I still don’t to be completely honest but I want to know. I want to understand so you don’t have to feel like you have to do this. So you don’t have to hide from me and almost leave me.” His voice trembled at the end. You look upon his face and see his eyes shimmering like tears that wanted to fall but didn’t. He missed you so much and it felt so nice to have you in his arms, a little beat up but alive.

“But there’s so much wrong with me. You don’t have to deal with it, you shouldn’t have to. You don’t have to deal with me not being able to control my eating habits or this.” You gesture to the scars on your arms and your tear stained face.

“I’m a mess. A horrible mistake upon you and the world.” You were silenced by a deep loving kiss that held you both quiet until neither of you could breathe. The kiss ended with both of you gasping for air but Sett recovered faster and filled the quiet with his voice.

“Don’t be saying that crap. I know you feel bad, but your definitely not those things. I was told the same thing growing up. That I was a horrible mistake and nothing but a pain in the ass for my mama. She didn’t care about that though and whenever I felt bad she’d tell me that as long as one person in the world was happy with you then your life is worth living. I’m that one person. I love you so much and I don’t care if it takes me my whole life to understand or maybe I’ll never understand but the point is, I’m here for you and as long as I’m here for you, you don’t need to feel alone or ashamed. We can take all the time you need babe. I’ll be right here.” Your eyes filled with tears once again not from sadness but with joy. He truly loved you so much and was so patient with you. Perhaps, this can work. It would take a lot of time but maybe you could get better. As long as Sett was by your side it felt like you could just make it through and see some light at the end of your previously dark tunnel. You smile at him happily and cuddle into him. He lets out a small laugh.

“See, it’ll be ok, hun. Now lets get you cleaned up a bit your starting to look tougher then me!” He chuckled and kissed the scars on your arms as he picks you up easily. You can feel a better mood creeping in and jest with him.

“I am tougher then you.” He smiles and starts to kiss at your neck making you giggle and you swat at him playfully.

“Hmm, you might be right there, babe. You might have to protect me every now and then.” You nod and he snuggles into your nape. The light is even brighter now and for the first time in a long time you feel something you haven’t felt in a long time, Hope.

[kirishibi]

A Change of Plans

Summary: Every year before your anniversary, you and Kirishima go a week without seeing each other before enjoying a nice dinner on the night of your anniversary. This year, Kirishima has something else planned.

Pairing: Ejirou Kirishima x Reader

Warnings: One brief mention of alcohol, anxious!reader

Word Count: 1.9k

a/n: Angst is coming I stg, I just got caught up in the fluff train and baby there are no breaks. Enjoy lovey dovey, stupid, monologuing Kirishima. He’s a king.

You and your boyfriend, Kirishima, had been dancing around one another for the past week, playing cat-and-mouse as your anniversary quickly approached. You hadn’t seen him at all in the last seven days, though that was to be expected.

The two of you had been together for three years, and each year during the week leading up to your anniversary you would avoid one another like the plague. It wasn’t personal, you loved Kirishima dearly and knew he felt the same. In fact, you were an open book when it came to your boyfriend, but that was the problem. You discovered quite quickly that neither of you could keep a secret from the other. While a great dynamic for a relationship, this led to many ruined surprises and spoiled presents in your first year of dating. So, in your second year, you came to the agreement that once your gifts had been picked out, you wouldn’t see one another until the day of your anniversary. 

Leading up to the big day, Kirishima would send you a good morning text when he woke up, a text letting you know he was safe when he arrived home from work, and a good night message before bed. You would do the exact same for him, nothing more and nothing less. You had an agreement that if one of you missed a text, or desperately needed the other for whatever reason, the game was over with no questions asked. However, this had never been an issue and thus your tradition was continued. On the morning of your anniversary, Kirishima would send you the address of a restaurant he’d picked out along with the time of your reservations, and you would show up five minutes early. He’d always be waiting in the lobby with that big smile on his face and your present in his lap, fidgeting excitedly with the wrapping paper he’d chosen.

You awoke that morning with similar expectations, ready for the name of an absurdly nice restaurant to be displayed on your phone screen along with a meeting time, followed by a paragraph of heart emojis and a three word profession of love. That was just how Kirishima did things, after all. 

What you found, however, made your brow furrow in confusion:

My place. 6pm.

That was it. No restaurant, no emojis, no ‘I love you’s. Even the time was unusual, seeming fairly early for a date on Friday night. You took a deep breath, sent him a thumbs up, set your phone back onto your bedside table, and willed yourself not to fret.

Regardless, you spent almost an hour in the comfort of your bed, tossing and turning, a million little worries bouncing around your brain like flies. Eventually, you shoved aside your blankets and crawled out of bed, accepting defeat and beginning your daily routine.

----------

Despite your nerves, you made sure to look your best for your loving boyfriend as you prepared for the date. In fact, doing your hair and trying to perfect your eyeliner was a welcome distraction. Time flew by as you busied yourself, and your nerves had almost entirely subsided by the time you pulled on the red, form-fitting dress that always drove Kirishima crazy. He had seen you at your worst: sick with the flu, in the middle of a breakdown, incredibly hungover after one of Kaminari’s parties... but he loved each and every version of you, and while you knew that he would find you just as beautiful in sweatpants as you were all dressed up, you wanted that night to feel special.

Your fears were long forgotten, excitement taking their place. You grinned to yourself as you began the short walk to Ejirou’s apartment, your expression turning into a full-blown smile as you swung open the building’s glass doors. Your stomach filled with butterflies, the rhythmic clack of your heels against tiled flooring drowned out only by chatter of people around you. You stepped into a vacant elevator and pressed a button for the top floor. You were still skeptical at Kirishima’s demeanor from that morning, but your excitement to see him was undeniable. The way you felt, your fingers just a bit shaky and knees turning to jelly, it reminded you of when you first started dating. You still felt the spark you did in your honeymoon phase, even years later.

“Ejirouuu!” You called out in a sing-songy voice as the elevator dinged and the door slid open. Your heavy footsteps continued on the hardwood floor of his apartment, but at a much slower pace. The room was… empty. You tossed your purse onto his couch as you passed it, glancing around the lavish space, searching for an explanation as to what the hell was going on, but finding none.

Your phone chimed in your purse, pulling you from your thoughts. You made your way back to the sofa and rifled through your bag, too stressed and confused to find the device at first. After a few moments of digging, though, you grabbed it.

The screen awoke with a text from Kirishima:

There’s a key on the kitchen counter and a car waiting for you outside. 

You groaned and tossed your phone onto a cushion before heading to the kitchen where, just like he has said, a metal key was waiting. Below it was a small white sheet of paper that read:

Just a little longer. Trust me, baby.

Followed by three scribbled hearts. You could tell your boyfriend had tried to write as neatly as possible, though the words were still barely legible. A grin pulled at your lips and you gathered the note, key, and your phone, quickly stuffing all three into your bag and stepping back onto the elevator.

The car ride took longer than you had expected. As towering office buildings and neon-lit restaurant signs tapered off in favor of a more naturesque view, those butterflies in your stomach returned with the same ferocity as before. You chewed your bottom lip, one thumb toying with the edge of Ejirou’s note while that unmistakable lovesick electricity filled your chest. You lost track of time reminiscing on that feeling, gazing out of the car window and watching the brightly lit city skyline get smaller. 

The night when you first felt that electricity was a little over three years ago, right after graduation. You were at a small celebration for a friend’s birthday, but your attention was taken entirely by someone else. A charming, spiky-haired redhead had completely swept you off your feet, and while everyone else was drinking and partying like the world was about to end, you sat alone, stone-cold sober on the balcony of your friend’s luxury cabin, just chatting. Unlike so many guys in your school days, Kirishima didn’t care about getting wasted or undressing you as soon as possible. He listened to you when you spoke, made eye contact instead of letting his gaze wander, and made you laugh like no one else could. He showed genuine interest even when you began rambling about how ‘fairy lights are gorgeous! This balcony would look so much prettier if we had some!’. He didn’t try to hush you or change the topic, instead nodding along with a soft smile, as if agreeing. He cared, even when he barely knew you. That’s when you first felt it, that floaty feeling in your chest, the bloom of something beautiful and indescribable. 

That’s when you first fell for him.

The car rolled to a stop, and you slipped the driver a generous tip before exiting. You stared up in complete awe at the sight before you as the sound of rubber tires on gravel grew increasingly more distant. 

It was a cabin.

 You straightened your dress, pulling at the hem and flattening the wrinkles caused by your ride, before bounding up a staircase that led to the front door. “Eji!” You called out as you entered the living room. You pushed the heavy wooden front door back into its frame, and just as the lock clicked into place your phone chimed once again:

Balcony.

You were exhausted by that point, but decided to humor your boyfriend one more time. Across the room, white curtains undulated with the flow of a breeze passing through. You set your purse down, made your way over, and pushed the fabric aside.

There Kirishima knelt, sporting the widest smile you’d ever seen. 

Fairy lights were strung along the railing behind him as well as surrounding him in the shape of a heart. He wore a dark suit with a red tie, something you could never tire of seeing him in. He beckoned you toward him, and when you stepped onto the balcony in front of him, he began. “Sorry about that running around, I was trying to be mysterious.” He chuckled nervously, his gaze falling to the floor as he took a deep breath to steady himself. He paused for a second to calm his nerves before locking eyes with you again and continuing. 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for a few years now, so I’m sorry about all of the talking I’m about to do, but there’s a lot to say. (Y/n), I fell for you in a place very similar to this. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but it’s the truth. I have this vivid memory of watching the sparkle in your eyes as you rambled about string lights and how beautiful they are, and I remember thinking that thats exactly how I would describe you. Never in my life have I met someone so charming, brilliant, and absolutely stunning. I don't know what I did to make you fall for me, but I would do it all over again in an instant. I’ve loved you since the night we met, I loved you when we took that trip to meet your parents, and I loved you when you gave me the flu last winter. I’ve loved you every moment I’ve been away from you and every second I’ve had you beside me. That feeling has never stopped, and I know I’m saying ‘love’ a lot but fuck...”

Kirishima raised a sleeve to wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks. He sniffled, pulling himself together enough to finish. He popped open the velvet box in his hands, revealing a diamond ring.

“I love you so, so much. Nothing in this world could make me happier than I am when I’m with you, and I want to spend the rest of my days with you if you’re willing… (Y/n) (L/n), will you marry me?”

By the time Kirishima had popped the question, both of you were openly crying.

You nodded, “Yes, Ejirou! Yes, I’ll marry you, are you kidding?!” You slipped the ring onto your finger, dropped to your knees, and pulled him into a kiss. You had missed his touch, his smell, his voice, but you didn’t realize how much you had craved his kisses as well until his lips were locked with yours and his arms were wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer. He pulled away from the kiss, earning a whine from you though you complied. 

“You will, though? Really? You mean it?” Kirishima looked almost like a puppy. He practically vibrated in excitement, struggling to contain all of his energy and sit still, all with that same big smile on his face.

“I mean it! I can’t imagine the rest of my life with anyone else.” You smiled and he wrapped his arms around you once again.

[yzkhr]

"You don't deserve her."

"I really don't."

"She's too good for you."

"She is."

"She doesn't want to see you."

"Yeah, I figured as much."

"She's angry you know."

"I know."

"She hates you."

"She does."

"Then why?"

It took everything in Suzuki Sonoko to not just stand up from her seat in the bench and punch him right then and there. For being too overconfident, for being unbearable, for hurting her bestfriend.

She turned over to face him, expecting to see the same arrogant look he wears everytime she sees him. Instead, what she saw almost broke her heart. It wasn't the Kudo Shinichi she knew from her childhood to teenage days. It wasn't the jerk that always seemed to know everything and boasts it at the crowd every chance he gets. It wasn't the cheeky bastard that's tends to get on her nerves. It wasn't the insesitive prick who's too interested in mysteries.

No matter how hard she stares, it just wasn't him.

What she saw was a man who had too much of this world, tired and weary. A guy who's arrogance toned down by a lot, almost non-existent. Eyes that holds the same knowledge, yet seemed to figure out how to use it. She used to think that he's a child trying to play an adult, but now? An air of maturity flutters around him, showing his tremendous growth.

They bear the same face and features, yet the teenager she's familiar with seemed far too different from the man sitting beside her.

Sonoko never thought the day would come where he'd let down his pride and masculine walls, letting anyone, letting her, see behind them layers of insecurities and weaknesses no one would ever think he possessed. It almost made her give in and tell him.

But then Sonoko was reminded of her. Her devastated form as she opened the giant doors of her mansion to let her in. Her tears that seemed neverending and just got worse as time went on. Her face that Sonoko remembered to be gentle and kind was replaced by pure anger and sorrow. Her pink lips always adorned with a beautiful smile was now turned upside down, showing a frown.

Most of all, her eyes. The Suzuki heiress had always been fond of her bestfriend's eyes. Just like how eyes were the windows of one's soul, her eyes always spoke of her feelings and emotions, all out in the open. Sonoko was accustomed of how her eyes would look like in different situations.

Eyes that would be filled with anger at the sight of a violent criminal. Eyes that shows sadness, when a heartbreaking scene plays out. Eyes that portrays loneliness, when she's eaten by the plaguing thoughts of him. Eyes that always seemed to hold love and kindness, no matter who you may be.

But now? Mouri Ran's eyes were anything but that. Empty shells thats purpose was just to see. Eyes that look shallow and superficial, as if there really wasn't anything there at all. Eyes that look lost, not knowing a single thing.

So she steeled herself, not about to give in from his change of expression. It took more than just maturity to make her cave in and risk hurting her best friend even more.

"It's been a week Sonoko. I just want to see her if she's alright."

"Well, she's not. How can she be? After finding out her boyfriend's been lying to her all this time, letting her believe they're in a long distanced relationship when he's actually living in the same roof as her."

He winced from her words, affected. She wanted to take them back but she pushed even further.

"How can you expect her to be alright when she just got kidnapped by an unknown organization without knowing a thing, only to find out the truth about you in someone else's mouth?"

"Sonoko--"

"How can she possibly be alright when she's depressed over the fact that you don't trust her the same way she trust you? Answer me Shinichi-kun, how!?"

Her scream echoed throughout the desolated park, reminding her even more how alone the two of them are. He called her, first thing in the morning, asking if they could meet. Despite not wanting to, she knew she had to, for Ran's sake.

As expected, his goal was to ask her where Ran is, since everyone had no clue besides her. It had been a week since his big revelation, a week since he last saw of his girlfriend. She knew he couldn't blame Ran though, after what he had put the girl through.

Her best friend went directly to her, asking for temporary refuge, from him or from her own emotions, Sonoko didn't know. (She had a feeling it was from both).

After hearing everything, she wanted to slap him, blame him for what he had put her friend through, but a part of her couldn't it. Maybe it was because of Ran who wouldn't want to see him hurt, or maybe it was Sonoko herself, remembering that he's still her childhood friend, knowing he had been through enough that even a slap would be too much.

"I'm sorry."

She was broken out of her reverie by his quiet answer, that if they weren't alone in this place she wouldn't have heard it.

"I had no choice. I had to protect her. If she knew, they'd go after her. They'd kill her and I can't have that. I wouldn't be able to bear that. So even if it meant lying and pretending, I had to it."

His voice was cold yet sad, carrying too many emotions for Sonoko to figure.

"But she was still kidnapped wasn't she? Even though she didn't know a thing. Wouldn't it have been better if she knew? You could have warned her Shinichi-kun. You could have told her. You could have..."

The great detective of the east froze from her counterattack but a part of Sonoko knew he was expecting her response. He had to have known that. So she doesn't understand why? Why he didn't tell Ran. It just didn't make sense.

"I was scared. Just the thought of her knowing made me fear for her life. I just wanted to protect her, more than anything else."

His voice was low, yet it hold conviction, specially for the last part. His head hung low, as if the ground was more interesting than what was in front of him.

Despite not seeing his expression, Sonoko could hear the desperation in his voice, so uncharacteristically of Kudo Shinichi.

"That's not like you, Shinichi-kun. Usually, you'd be more logical about this things."

Sonoko hated to admit it, but after years of hanging out with him she managed to figure out his personality. He was cocky and tend to be insensitive towards other people's feelings but held a person's life to the highest regard. He has an almost surreal sense of justice like Ran, and would do a lot of things just to help a person out.

But what he was known for was his intelligence. Just like his father, Shinichi was someone who relied on science and facts rather than emotions. But his answer proved to be leaning too much on the emotional side than the logical one.

He laughed and looked up, but avoided eye contact with her. His blue eyes now in Sonoko's view softened as if remembering something.

"I've never been logical when it comes to her."

She thought he would be bitter, frustrated at not getting Ran. But his voice was gentle, fondness evident in his tone. Silence enveloped the two of them. Sonoko didn't know what to say. Her anger was still there but she knew that no matter what she said, he'd still be eager to meet with Ran. And, she hated to accept it, but there was a part of her that wanted them to fix this, both for Ran and his sake.

What would Ran do in this situation? Would she forgive him? Or would she run away instead?

After a few seconds, he decided to face her. His face tinged with seriousness and determination. Blue eyes blazing but tired, he spoke.

"Please. I just want to talk to her. To explain everything. If she still don't want to see me after that, I... I won't push it anymore."

Shinichi's voice got lower and quieter as he went on, that if the park wasn't so isolated she wouldn't have heard all of them. The manner he uttered his words started firm yet ended unsure, too painful for him to even consider his last statement.

Sonoko had never seen him like this, never even imagined that there would come a day the great detective of the east would asked—begged— to anyone, let alone her. It reflected a lot of things he'd been through and just how much he cared for Ran. How much he'd be willing to give for her, even his beloved pride. Just how much Kudo Shinichi loves Mouri Ran.

As she took one more look at his visage full of painful resolution, Suzuki Sonoko made her choice.

"She's in one of the Suzuki family's resthouse. I'm pretty sure she won't let you in so,"

She tossed him the gold key for the resthouse as his faced ranged from disbelief to gratitude, dark orbs gleaming. Sonoko kept her smile, not wanting to give him the satisfaction to see how hopeful she is for them as well.

"Now go, you're such a pain. And so we're clear, I did this for Ran okay? If it weren't for her, I would have seriously just let you drown in misery. I really don't know what she saw that made her fall in love you. You're nothing but a detective geek!"

If he wasn't so intensely focused at the key in his hand, Sonoko was sure Shinichi would have rolled his eyes at her in irritation. If it was the old Shinichi at least. Instead, he gave her a thankful smile and stood up, anticipation so clear painfully clear at his every step.

Before he sprinted away, Sonoko said her final words to her him.

"Shinichi-kun, no matter how many times she'll push you away, don't give up on her okay? It's your turn to wait for her this time."

The heiress and the detective never really see eye to eye. They were polar opposites, from preference to personality. Sonoko was a social person, while Shinichi was an introverted one. She loves to talk to strangers and hang out while he prefers to be curled up with a Sherlock Holmes novel, rereading it for the nth time.

Aside from both being arrogant people, the only thing they have in common was Ran. The two had known Ran since childhood and know how naive and innocent she can be. They're also aware of Ran's selfless nature, putting others before herself. Because of that, they put it upon themselves to be the ones to take care of her, while she's busy taking care of someone else.

Even though Ran was aversed to the idea of seeing him again, Sonoko knew it was simply her best friend's defense mechanism. She was just too wounded and hurt from the events that unfolded but deep down, Sonoko knew that her best friend wanted nothing more but to be with him.

Besides, despite Shinichi's countless mistakes, he tried to make it up to Ran in the form of Conan, the very same source of all his blunders. Despite have a body that of a kid, he really tried to protect Ran with the very best of his abilities. He also tried to comfort her, whenever she's sad because of his flase absence. That was more than enough for Sonoko to consider telling.

Being reminded of all the times Kudo Shinichi saved and protected Mouri Ran, Suzuki Sonoko thought he was almost good enough for her best friend.

Almost.

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Kurt felt his feet scraping across the ground as he forced himself down the hallway. The last few weeks had left him feeling so small. Dave and Santana being outted, Dave’s suicide attempt, losing out on both class presidency and the main role in A West Side Story; every bit of life seemed to be weighing him down recently. And then there was Blaine.

 Ever since Blaine had enrolled at McKinley, the two of them seemed to be parting ways more as each day went past. Of course Sebastian’s arrival hadn’t helped the situation, but deep down Kurt knew those same issues had been festering for a while. At times, Kurt found himself wondering if he was mismatched with Blaine; if Blaine would be happier with someone like Sebastian, someone more… spontaneous. Or at least someone who would answer his calls. Since that night, the sheer sound of Blaine’s voice was off-putting to Kurt. All that would come to mind was his hands spreading out and grabbing at Kurt, taking as much as he could like a kid with a candy bowl. The memory left a bad taste in Kurt’s mouth; almost as bad as remembering he had apologised for rejecting Blaine’s advances. At the time, Kurt had convinced himself that Blaine was right, that he had just been spoiling the fun, but the bad taste remained nonetheless.

 The one positive that had come out of the last few weeks was that the New Directions had reunited. To the surprise of everybody, Rachel had suggested giving others a chance to sing at Nationals, as long as she got her solo of course. It did mean, however, that all choreography the group had begun to work on prior to the girls coming back now had to be changed. And with Rachel’s two left feet and Tina’s quieter nature, Kurt was called in by Quinn to help choreograph and teach the new routine.

 On better days, Kurt didn’t mind helping out. Today was not one of those days. After the hypocritical mess Blaine pulled singing It’s Not Right But It’s Okay, Kurt was in no mood to see the glee club. Regardless, both Rachel and Quinn had insisted that with Nationals coming up, every chance they can get to practice had to be used.

 As he entered the room, Kurt could all but feel the atmosphere change. Quiet whispers stopped as Finn stood up. Giving signal to the others, Kurt watched as they followed him, each one of them approaching him as Puck closed the door.

 “Why are you all acting like you’re about to give an interve… oh my god, this is an intervention, isn’t it? Look I know Blaine gave a messed up image of us but it’s not going to affect the tea…”

 “We just want to talk,” Finn interrupted, gesturing Kurt a seat.

 Kurt bit his lip before shuffling his feet over to the seat. The awkward silence continued. Filled with uncertainty, Finn’s eyes shuffled between the boys’ and Rachel’s before she sighed and spoke up.

 “What’s going on with you Kurt?”

 The others scolded the brunette’s bluntness before being reminded that no one else was willing to ask. As they begun to quarrel, Quinn shut them down.

 “What Rachel meant was is everything okay? You’ve had a tough year, not to mention everything you’re still dealing with from last year and we just wanted to check in. If our conversation after Karofsky taught me anything, it’s that none of us should assume that people are coping when they’re in strife.”

 “I’m fine.”

 The words sped out of Kurt’s mouth like a horse belting toward the finish line. Kurt could feel how untrue the statement was as he spoke the words, yet he still found himself faking a smile in hopes to convince the others. It didn’t work. As he looked over at Mercedes, her disappointment hit him, forcing him to look at the ground.

 “Honey,” she started, “the truth is you haven’t been yourself for a long time now. And it’s clear that Blaine going behind your back for the West Side Story role has made things worse, especially after his performance today. We got to hear his side, now it’s only fair we hear yours.”

 Kurt stuttered for a moment before falling silent. His head went back and forth arguing over what to say next. On one hand, this was his relationship. It wasn’t any concern, or business for that matter, of the others. Not to mention Blaine was already upset with him, why make things worse? But at the same time, they were his friends and they were there trying to help. Even Santana and Puck had shown up. Regardless, Kurt couldn’t find the words.

 “It’s nothing, I’ll fix things up with Blaine later on,” He lied before sighing, “Thank you though Mercedes, for setting this up.”

 “It wasn’t me,” Mercedes smiled, looking over at Finn.

 Kurt blinked before staring at Finn.

 “I’m your brother Kurt. I’m worried about you. Nothing you say is going to change that. I, I just couldn’t find the words to say that, so I called in these guys.”

 Silence filled the room again. Kurt find his eyes shuffling back to the ground. Mike moved next to Kurt, placing his hand on Kurt’s shoulder and assuring him it’d be alright.

 “You’re wrong about the show being the issue,” Kurt started, “Around the time the role was allocated, Sebastian came into the picture…”

 “The jerk from Daltons who was trying to get onto Blaine?” Tina enquired.

 “Yeah him,” Kurt muttered, “except it wasn’t just him trying to get Blaine. Blaine was responding and meeting up with him behind my back. The night before the opening day of the show, Sebastian invited us to some bar. Blaine spent the whole night getting drunk and dancing with him until it was time to leave. I got him to the car and he wouldn’t stop touching me. I yelled for him to stop, but he, he just wouldn’t. Eventually I shoved him off and he yelled at me before leaving, but things just haven’t been the same since.”

 “That hobbit tried to rape you?” Santana shouted.

 Kurt shook his head as he began to stutter. Being barely comprehensible, he started saying it was his fault and how he had apologised the next day. As the eyes of those around him widened, Quinn interrupted.

 “You shouldn’t have.”

 “Quinn’s right,” Puck jumped in before looking at Quinn in guilt, “It’s not your fault he tried to take advantage of you after knowing you had drunken.”

 “Actually, I was the designated driver, so I was sober.” Kurt explained.

 “Dude it doesn’t matter,” Finn said, “He doesn’t get to treat you like that.”

 Unable to find the words, Kurt fell silent. Deep down he knew Finn was right and that once upon a time, there would be no way Kurt would let himself be treated like this, but things were different now. The realisation of dying alone had plagued his mind. He didn’t expect Finn or Rachel or any of the other straight members to understand. Finding a partner for them was like finding a penny. The opportunity was always there. Hell, even Santana and Brittany didn’t have to worry because they found the love of their lives already. But he hadn’t. The two gay men Kurt knew were Blaine and Karofsky, a boy who physically assaulted him for years. The thought that he may never find love crushed Kurt, but at least Blaine was something.

 Before anyone spoke, a phone began to blare. Reaching in his pocket, Kurt noticed the number straight off, leading him to sigh.

 “That’s him now,” he started, “I should probably get going.”

 The group went to speak out, but Finn just shook his head at them. As Kurt gathered his things and started to walk out of the room, he heard Brittany’s voice come from behind him.

 “Don’t forget we love you Kurt.”

 Closing the door behind him, Kurt walked away. Once out of the building, he looked down at his phone, sighing as he pressed the number of the missed call. Before he was able to say anything, a voice cut in.

 “Where are you Kurt? I called your dad when you didn’t answer and he said Finn told him you were at a glee meeting which clearly isn’t where you are. Are you with Chandler? Is that why you refused to answer my calls? I knew Finn was threatened by my talent but to help you do this is next level petty and you dragging him into it is just as bad.”

 The voice continued rambling, cutting Kurt off as he tried to answer. Moments of incoherent rambling passed, lowering Kurt’s patience until all at once, it disappeared.

 “Blaine, stop,” Kurt started, “I’m not with Chandler. The fact that you think so little of me as to not only accuse me of that but bring the glee club into it with your performance today shows just what you think of me.”

 Stutters from the other end of the phone fell silent as Kurt pushed the red button. Stopping in his tracks, Kurt felt a sigh leave his chest. Confusion and guilt begun to set in as Kurt realised that despite his frustration, the sigh had been in relief, not despair. As the phone in his hand begun to vibrate again, he found himself clenching harder as he walked away. After minutes of nonstop ringing, Kurt hung up one final time before clicking the messaging button.

 ‘I’m sorry okay. Just give me time.’

 Disgust hit Kurt as he pressed send. He continued walking as he thought about how things had gotten so bad between him and Blaine that the person he could tell everything to had become the person he felt he had to lie most to. The phone continued to buzz as several messages came through. With his patience falling, Kurt placed his phone in his bag, making sure to do so in a way where it would not noticeably vibrate off anything else.

 As he reached his house, Kurt went straight into his bedroom, closing the door and grabbing out his phone. Upon seeing the endless stream of messages, Kurt ran his fingers through his hair, grasping then slightly yanking at it. His fingers began typing at the phone before deleting and typing again for several minutes before stopping and deleting it once more. He typed one final message.

 ‘We need to talk to someone Blaine. Meet me in Emma’s office tomorrow.’

 Before Blaine could respond, Kurt heard his door twist. Placing the phone back in his bag, Kurt stood up. The door opened, leading Kurt to relax.

 “Don’t come in unexpectedly Finn. You startled me.”

 Finn stared at Kurt in silence for a moment before speaking.

 “I just wanted to check that we’re cool after what happened. Look, I know I should have spoken to you privately before bringing in the others like that. I just didn’t know what to say. I think you need to tell Burt and my mum though, you know, about what Blaine did.”

 Kurt felt his throat tighten with each word that came out of Finn’s mouth. His eyes began scanning the room, looking for anything else to talk about. Maybe an unclean surface to attend to or homework to do. But nothing came to mind. With an awkward expression on his face, Kurt looked back at Finn.

 “We can’t tell dad. You heard about what he did to Karofsky and that was just some bully. Blaine’s my partner. He’d put him in hospital.”

 “Maybe he should.”

 Finn’s words came off louder and more abrasive than he had meant them, causing Kurt to flinch. In response, Kurt let out a sigh whilst saying Finn’s name. Another silence came over the room before Finn spoke.

 “Kurt, we’ve gotta tell someone who can help you.”

 “I don’t need help Finn. I’m fine.” Kurt lied.

 “So you’d still be calling it fine if I did that to Rachel then? Or what about if Sam did it to Mercedes? Because that definitely wasn’t the case when you were telling me that what happened to Quinn was Puck’s fault and his alone.”

 “Blaine didn’t get me drunk Finn. Plus, after what happened with Puck and Quinn, I know you’d never do that to Rachel, nor would the other guys with their girlfriends.”

 “We never thought Blaine would do that to you Kurt.”

 Finn’s words hit hard. Kurt tried to find words, but none came to him. Silence began to consume the room only to be broken by the vibrating sound coming from Kurt’s bag. Nothing was said, but the sympathetic look in Finn’s eyes made Kurt just uncomfortable enough to look away. Finn considered reaching out for Kurt’s arm before another vibrating noise from Kurt’s bad stopped him. Instead, he clenched his fist and sighed.

 “At least tell mum.”

 “You say that as if she wouldn’t just tell my dad.” Kurt said.

 “She wouldn’t,” Finn started, “She’s been here before Kurt. I mean not sexually from what I know, but when I was little she had a relationship that really messed her up, the same way Blaine is messing you up right now. She’ll be able to help… Just think about it, yeah?”

 With that, Finn walked away. Kurt sat back down on his bed, grabbing out his phone. Blaine had sent several messages stating why they didn’t need Emma involved and how everything was going to be okay. Kurt stared at the final message, a simple ‘I love you’, for several moments before placing the phone face down on the bed. Pulling himself up from the bed, Kurt walked over to the door, checking down the hallways for Finn before closing it. As the door clicked shut, Kurt felt his body slide down to the ground as began to cry.

[winkong]

The viral load

The last two weeks have been really tough. I thought I had mostly come out to the other side of the woods. I thought I had honed my mental agility skills at dealing with the trauma and the hurt of it all.

The metaphor about smell and memories, the image of the walls of frustration and anger coming up and chipping them away, and even the picture of the knife that she stabbed me in the back with, that I have to hand over to God rather then continually reintroducing into my wound again.

But like a viral load that builds up into a full blown sickness, the last 2 weeks have proven difficult to weather through.

I am glad that I did not have any contact with Lo for a few months. What she disclosed to me about Faye's coldness, and either actual delusion or attempt at self justification was infuriating. To hear about how little she cared for me and just how much she viewed what she did or didn't do was not wrong. And it was a small win that Lo saw right through that bullshit, that I haven't just been looking at my situation with bias that I am the victim. That objectively, other people hearing the story even before hearing my side could tell Faye's was bullshit.

But then there was the call with Yvonne. Which in the moment was good to vent and good to talk through and good to have someone else who now knows of the actual situation. But it was that impression that she independantly got on how infatuated, or I guess, "in love" Faye had become with Blaire, that has been plaguing my mind for most of these days.

Maybe Faye never became infatuated with me. And maybe I was never displayed openly my infatuations with her. I don't think that thats true. I enjoyed touting her as 'my fiancee' to Kate in conversation. I remember smiling to myself, thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world, whenever I'd kiss Faye goodbye and close her door. I feel like such a loser now, to think that on the other side of the door, who knows, maybe Faye was giving a sigh of relief that this dickhead was finally out of her apartment, and she could go back to texting chinese secrets over wechat to her bitch in crime.

I hate that I can't wholedheartedly enjoy my friends weddings. I hate that a significant portion of my mind is hung up on the fact that I feel its not fair. That my non-christian friends are all getting family married and into stable relationships. That they're somehow making it work. And yet, me, the christian, seemingly went into this wholesome christian relationship, engagement, tried to do the right thing by stopping sexual activity pre-marriage, and instead its like I'm getting 'punished' for my addictions and sins.

I know this is not the case. I know that Faye and I breaking up is not punishment. It is instead a miracle. It is instead protection. It is instead God intervening for the both of us, because it seems pretty evident that later on down the track our personal problems would've become much bigger problems between us.

As much as my mind is good at bringing in reasoning, logic, explanation, my heart is still feeling so much hurt over reliving and recounting the fact that Faye without a hint of hesitation chose Blaire over me. And my mind just can't let it go.

It feels like I'm moving backwards again. Like I'm back at square one again. I thought I had moved on further than this. I'm hoping that writing this blog at 2AM will help me move in a forward direction.

But these days, it feels like everything is becoming a trigger for me again. Siqi keeps reminding me of Faye, simply because she is a mainlander. In fact any mandarin that I hear triggers me. As well as peoples iphone ringtones when they're the same as the wechat tone that I had. I've become so fragile again. I've been finding it hard to forget, to move aside, to focus on other things again. I can't let this take over me again. I thought I had measures in place to handle this, that my mind was stronger and more agile than this. But it feels like I'm regressing.

I just feel so unhappy about it all. I can have resolution about it. I can understand it. I can believe that God has been good throughout all of it. But I can't help feeling so unhappy about it.

I guess in terms of the viral load, its not that detrimental but it was also not that helpful that we happened to bump into Lucie and her new bf Kyle. Kyle is a super cool guy, and I saw that they had chemistry, sparks between them.

I know that God is looking out for me. Even if we go down that childish thinking of the 'signs' that God has been giving me, isn't the fact that Lucie and Kyle happened to walk past the bench Lo and I were sitting at at 9:45pm on a Wednesday an incredibly clear sign that I'm not the one to be dating Lucie? That yes, you were right Winston. Now is not the time to be thinking about getting into a new relationship. Now is the time to wait, and to work on yourself.

I dislike that answer. Its simple, but its unenjoyable too.

Its all a daily grind.

I'm hoping this journalling will help with the daily grind. Even journalling is something that brings up the smell and memory of Faye.

I wonder what depth of secrets belong in those journals of her. What would she have written about me? What was the true narrative playing out, the one omitted from those romantic, pure journal entries she recited for me onto our anniversary CD. Evidentally, that can't have been the whole picture. I never knew the whole picture. And now, I'm not part of the picture. In fact, maybe I never was.

I swore to myself I wouldn't shed another tear over this girl. Over this dumb situation.

But I just can't help but feel so unhappy right now. I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep moving forward. I'm gonna keep myself from disappearing and from giving up and giving in to the shit of all of this.

But I feel unhappy about it. That's just reality. Holy Spirit I need You. I need You to come and fix me. I've let myself get so broken by all this shit.

God, I know that You love me. And I know that that is all I need. All that I should need. All that I ought to need.

Why am I trying to fill this void with anything else. Why do I still feel so unhappy and upset about this whole situation with Faye. She isn't even a topic of discussion amongst my high school friends. For all they care, they only care for me, they don't care at all about Faye. She's irrelevant and insignificant to my life story according to them. It's been months now. Why haven't I moved on yet?

When will I stop being upset and unhappy about all of this? Is it when I become indifferent to it all? The fact that I'm not indifferent, does that show that I'm still in love with Faye?

I just don't want to become indifferent. I feel like the cost to become indifferent will be to let a significant part of myself die. The part of myself that believes in young, romantic love. I don't want to die to that belief. But its really hard to keep living with it right now too.

[poppunkdee]

3-5, 28-30, 35-40

whoa okay everyone sorry for the long post someone decided to give me a million in one ask. 

3. okay so this person idk what to even say about them anymore I hardly know who or what they are like now but I guess ill talk about them when I was irrationally in love with them. They had a way to make me feel at home no matter how far from home I was. That person was super smart (to me) they had a charisma that allowed them to creep into your life and later your heart, and had you liking them even if at first you thought they were just another fake person trying super hard to be “cool” they had a way to get under your skin, to make you laugh until you’re crying and hold your attention in a way that you never really thought they might be able to. Honestly this person made me feel so many things and not all of them were good, in fact looking back now I realized that I excused so much shitty behavior towards me because of a fancy dinner, or a cute poem, or a dozen roses. God i was so in love with them and its sad really how now its just a faded memory of a person who never apologized for the hell they put me through. 

4. the thing I regret most so far is not going to the ivy league school I was accepted into bc it meant I would be far from the person mentioned above. 

5. Oh fuck. Honestly I have not had any like “amazing” birthdays. My most memorable birthdays are seared into my memory bc I was either in a funeral home, in a hospital watching my cousin fight cancer, or I myself was in the hospital bc a car almost killed me(yay 24th birthday!) really I have most fun when I celebrate my birthday alone at disneyland, which I do every year although not on my actual birthday bc it seems that on my actual birthday I’m always caught up in some kind of hospital, or receiving bad news. 

28. honestly idk if i have any like crazy out there fetishes, like dirty talk and rough sex is cool but like idk if i really have like one odd thing. I mean one of my exes and I got hella drunk one night and decided to do all the shit we had wanted to do and lemmi tell you that was a full weekend of endless orgasms and take out food. It was amazing. I had rope burn on my thighs and was sore for a week after and he had like a million hickies from his neck to his dick. 

29. okay turn ons so like these depend on the person im seeing, like for one person their voice as they whisper in my ear might end me while for another the way they bite their lip and run their fingers through their hair might have me thinking of how those fingers might feel on me. so really I don’t have like one singular set of turn ons they just vary depending on the person. 

30.OHHH TURN OFFS THO. so these will literally dry me up like the Sahara desert and make me grab my shit and leave kyle’s house. If I say "men are trash” and the guy replies with “well not all men.... “ yeah ya cancelled. okay this one is shallow I know but its there and i really cant get past it, bad dental hygiene. the white ppl who try to have dreadlocks but really they haven’t washed their hair. ANY NON BLACK PERSON SAYING THE N WORD. I can go on really bc I’m super picky with the people I sleep with and i have actually mid thrust have told a guy to stop, got dressed, left and blocked him. 

35. Things i wish I could stop doing, okay so like as yall know my anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and I wish I could stop the nail biting. Also I need to stop expecting my body to go back to how it was before my car accident, like my spine is forever hurt and i really have to learn to accept that there are somethings i just cant do anymore and its not my fault there are limitations on my body so i should stop expecting to be able to go back to the gym like i used to, or do all the adventurous activities i used to do, also I wish I could go back to driving like i used to without the PTSD fear running through me every time a big rig is next to me on the freeway. 

36, okay so as of rn my guilty pleasure is that I read the twilight books bc my roommates got me into it and like holy shit i went through the whole saga in less than a weekend and I now need to rewatch the movies. honestly thank god for this gay twilight renaissance I’m living. But really tumblr is full of my guilty pleasures so like just scroll through my blog bc its all there, half of this shit is not on any of my public social media,.... or wait actually i think it is, i don’t really hide who i am so like it definitely has affected the way people judge me before they really know me but i know the people that are my friends after seeing the shit i post kinda really like me.  

37. Damn okay so this is kinda, ugh, okay so im sure my best friend is tired of me running back to this person but like i like ppl who ruin me i guess. So this person and I started dating after i had gone through like a horrible breakup, AND I got the news that my uterus is like a war zone for new cells(make of that what you will). Anyways here I am five months into a depressive episode i cut off all the people that i had thought were friends but who turned out to abandon me when i needed them the most. so here enters this person with their puppy dog love and gives me wonderful dirty kinky sex along with the hugs, cuddles, after care and takes me to these cool experiences in the city I thought I knew. They support my dreams and help me work towards them, honestly it was a great three months, but this person told me they loved me one night while at a night club and i thought hey youre drunk pls don’t do this and honestly it was mostly cowardliness that drove me to end it bc i didn’t feel the same way and i felt like i didnt deserve this new pure love i was receiving.  Anyways we hooked up a bit after we broke up and then they started dating someone else and we just kinda saw other people but would come back to each other after our different flings ended, until they got into like a real relationship with some one else and like I was cool like they deserve it, could have used a heads up but like i keep my space like the respectful person that i am, although lately this person has told me they are not into the person they are with and has been hitting me up and like the part of me that thinks im in love with them is really pushing for me to go for it but also they ARE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ITS NOT OKAY THAT THEY ARE SENDING ME MESSAGES LIKE THIS!! so anyways i think im more in love with the feeling they brought me those few months we were together bc i was just so fucking depressed and they helped pull me out of the hole i was in. So not really in love with the person but with the feeling i guess. 

38. songs that remind me of people. oh god, yall can i just make a spotify playlist and link it later bc theres so many. I have a few songs for like everyone that I know that i can make playlists for individual people so like i’ll just link a playlist when get around to it pls remind me later. 

39. OHHHH BOYYY. things i wish i had known earlier. i wish i had known men are trash earlier in life so that i would have been somewhat prepared for the men that caused trauma in my life. I also wish i had known how little time i had with certain people. (people i regret not making more time with) Also wish I had known about the accident that had me in a hospital on my birthday bc a year later im still plagued by nightmares, PTSD, and anxiety on the road. I also wish I had known about my cousin’s accident. GOd if there’s one thing i’ve had to learn the hard way this past year is that we never know when it will be the last time we see our loved ones and that we have GOT to tell them we love them bc we NEVER know when it will be the last time.  

40.okay last one, the end of something in my life. I wanna talk about a good ending bc i feel like yall got some insight on bad shit so like good endings i’d say is when i left socal for norcal. I come back literally anytime im homesick but like it was a huge step for me to take to leave, I was given a full scholarship to the wilderness and an apartment thats a ten min walk to the beach. It was definitely hard leaving all my friends and family behind but it was also kind of refreshing to be able to go out on my own to make my own path and do something i love. im back in socal for the summer and although im so happy to be back in the warmth of LA im definitely looking forward to my small apartment that constantly smells like a mix of sea breeze and damp forest. 

[feignedlikelihood]

me knowing me

i make a habit out of walking from the subway home

a seven to ten minute dedication

even when my feet ache and my legs burn a little from the whipping winds

i walk

i remind myself that i am lucky to have the legs that carry me

opting out of the bus in solidarity with my health, my legs

in reality the bus only shaves off a few minutes of my travel time

and i think the walk peels my eyelids open just a bit more

i’m more present, more here, more likely to read, to cook, to say thank you

a little movement goes a long way

from a to b

like writing love letters to my legs

i’ve been thinking more and more about how time will affect me

physically that is

how will i look wrinkled? how will my skin wrap around me? how will my body move?

these thoughts change me in little, yet monumentous ways

i have a more serious commitment to sun protection

sunscreen, hats, and the like

whole foods are more actively consumed

maybe this is all a phase

like my desire to be famous, my desire to be a wedding planner, my desire to be mary kate olsen, or was it ashley?

all childish phases brought about by movies

i gave my all to these characters

at least for the week or so that they plagued my mind

i used to be convinced i had some dissociated, fragmented personality disorder

everyone around me looked so whole

so person-ly

and inside i could sketch out the imitated parts of me, each one mimicked, each one selected from the whole beings that moved around me

i thought maybe in the breaks in between i was me

in between the phases and obsessions, there was an authentic self

but i could never realize this when it was happening

i could never pin point the me in the moment

and maybe thats the most me i can ever be

unknowingly and subconsciously a self that is individually formed

some semblance of me that is found in all those around my freckled being

maybe wrinkles will suit me

maybe i’ll still rock dimpled thighs when all things aren’t as perky

maybe i’ll still walk home from the subway

in solidarity with the body

i call mine