#and that was his first interal conflict w the dn. because he SO quickly tries to convince himself what hes doing is right

[otherbug]

The idea that Light's inital use of the death note, fully under the impression that a shinigami would kill him, being an inavertant suicide attempt does something to my brain.

I don't think Light was suicidal, or even depressed in a way he would recognize. It was mostly just apathy mixed with being unable to relate to his peers. He had a bright future ahead of him, but he didn't even think about it that much. With his nearly effortless high scores and his father's rank in the NPA, his life was already kind of set for him. And it was boring.

Of course, he didn't even believe the death note was real at first. After confirming its legitimacy his thoughts may have started out like "If I'm gonna die I might as well take out a few bad guys/try to make the world better before I go" and proceeding to write hundreds of names within 5 days. As a result of his father/upbringing of being taught right and wrong, his boredom and lack of any real challenge in his life leaves him to exaggerate these ideas to extremes.

And then when he finally meets Ryuk and learns he isn't going to die right there kind of sets him off. Like he almost believes he cheated death, and that only fuels his growing god-complex. Light's thoughts morphing from "I'm gonna try to make the world better before I die" to "Wait. I DIDN'T DIE. There's no trying, I WILL create my perfect world. Pfft, I wasn't scared for my life, I'm not like the OTHER death note users... I'm very cool and methodical I swear I'm just like you shinigamis. I'm basically a god now too uhahaha."

Like he believes that to be his near death experience and now he's just like, fuck it I might as well go all the way. I don't care anymore (more like he finally gets to care about something and is presented with the challenge of being. a mass murderer. which is so new and not boring. this is the high he didn't even know he was looking for)