#and that probably explains why im feeling this way and havent otherwise the past year or so :')

[lionfloss]

i hate this one specific type of anxiety i experience where i just feel like i did something wrong. Like almost as if i did something really bad and im waiting for the consequences. and it takes me out of my headspace and im just sitting here thinking...what did i do? what am i not remembering?

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[kvndeathmusic]

my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead. 

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi. 

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them. 

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to. 

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff. 

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression. 

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10. 

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator 

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi

[0nlywateristheriver]

My Second Wife

Link to story with original pictures: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O9-fjebl_2IBrzJxBdK0zVDJ04gQLD7zc6BzmBJLzDw/edit?usp=sharing 

@doctor-of-fair-play

My Second Wife

@onlywateristheriver

After over a thousand years married to the woman, the Doctor had gotten the knack of pinpointing about where River was along her timeline, without the aid of their diaries. They had to have been married by now - she looked older than she had that day. As of yet, however, River didn’t seem to know her which, despite being a bit offensive, also offered the opportunity for a bit of fun…

“D’you know?“ the Doctor couldn’t help but have the corner of her mouth twitch into a smile just barely contained. River had pulled this on her once, though now she realized that River might have been talking about her. Timelines. “You remind me of m’second wife. Well, second proper wife… there were a few others just for the fun and the party. The resemblance, s’uncanny. Course, her hair’s a bit curlier, and she has this nasty habit of carrying ‘round weapons. Once shot m’hat! Very rude. Never carry ‘round weapons, makes you look weak,“ she paced around River, tapping a finger against her holster, “Naughty, naughty. And… this is the silly bit. She’s an archaeologist. Can you imagine it? Time travelin’ archaeologist. That’s cheatin’! Don’t you think that’s cheatin’?”

onlywateristheriver

River’s eyes narrowed as the woman in front of her went on about weapons and hats and archaeology. “I’ll have you know, archaeology is the best way to find some of the most precious things that would have otherwise been lost to time. I was lost when I went to university and becoming an archaeologist helped me to find the best thing in my life. Led me to it again and again. And saved my life and the life of those I love more than once, so don’t you go on about weakness and silliness and cheating.” River tutted.

doctor-of-fair-play

The best thing in my life. Did she mean…? The Doctor stood a little straighter, a curl of guilt moving inside her. She’d never really stopped to think, stopped to consider… Anthropology she could understand, she was a bit of an anthropologist herself, but archaeology? Climbing about in the dust, going through old scraps of papers and wisps of lives long since ended when all of it was there, within reach, when one was to just step past the barrier of time. Alive and real.

“M’sorry. I was just havin’ a bit of fun.” The Doctor pulled up a chair, leaning in a bit closer to her wife, “S’really important to you, isn’t it? S’not just a way of… Why though? When you can step out in the world, amongst the living, why limit yourself to fragments? S’a vortex manipulator, isn’t it?” the question didn’t sound very convincing, she barely even glanced down at it. “You could go back, see it all for yourself. Nothin’s really lost.”

onlywateristheriver

“I didn’t have this from the beginning. I was left on my own with nothing. I had to find my own way with nothing but my own will and determination. All I knew was that there was someone I needed to find. Someone who could be anywhere, anywhen. I was as weak as a kitten and as knowledgable as a newborn. But I grew up fast and I used what I had around me. Archaeology was the best way to find what I needed. It’s served me well.”

River leaned back in her chair and looked the woman up and down. “Why am I telling you any of this anyway?”

doctor-of-fair-play

“Just have one of those faces, people can’t help but talk when I’m around. Sometimes. Honestly, I’ve not the knack for it I used to.” It was probably the height. Or the breasts. The Doctor leaned forward, elbows on the table, and twirled her straw around the emptying glass.“And, I mean, m'also your husband and I’ve been dropping hints all night. So there’s that. Really, River, you’re usually quicker on the uptake. How many people d'you think have a time travelin’ archaeologist for a wife?”

onlywateristheriver

River stared for a good minute or two at the woman in front of her. It was the eyes that finally convinced her. “I never thought I’d see you again.” Slowly she smiled. “And I certainly never came across this in my research. How long has it been for you?”

doctor-of-fair-play

The Doctor waited for some reaction from River, trying to read the expressions that passed over her face. Eventually, River smiled and a smile brightened the Doctor’s face too. “Y’know me, m’like a bad penny.” Her smile wavered, the unwelcome memory of their last goodbye pressing into her mind. “Been a while on my end, haven’t seen you since a bit before I last regenerated - don’t think you’re there quite yet. M’two thousand and something if that’s any help?”

onlywateristheriver

“Two thousand? It has been a while then. For me as well. I haven’t seen you in probably a hundred years, maybe a hundred and fifty?” She tried to hide the sadness that always surfaced when she realized how long the Doctor had left her alone. She knew they couldn’t spend all of their time together, that was dangerous. But she still missed him, ‘her’ she corrected, terribly when they were apart.

“I’m glad you found a way to go on. I know you were worried that you were at the end.”

doctor-of-fair-play

“S’not what I was worried about. But you know me, never liked endings.“ She let out a slow breath, hands stuffed in her pockets, and looked inside the cafe. The light of the grimy fixtures shone a warm gold, and the clink of dishes and silverware, the murmur of voices could be distantly heard. It would be better to laugh, better to pretend they weren’t both moving towards a goodbye, than to stand out here in the rain speaking of things that couldn’t be changed. “Come have dinner with us. I think you’ll like them, m’friends. And there’s a lot of catchin’ up we have to do, you and me. All the bits we missed.“

onlywateristheriver

River took a deep breath and put on a smile she didn’t really feel. “Okay. Lead the way.”

doctor-of-fair-play

Slipping a hand into hers, the Doctor led her back into the cafe. The chill of the rainy evening faded as the door closed behind them, though the Doctor’s hair was dripping and her shirt was tight to her skin, sticking and cold. She gladly slipped back into the booth, as it was near to the faux fireplace in the corner which gave off a very real glow of warmth from glowing plastic logs. Humans, they couldn’t just stick a space heater in the corner. Very few races were so focused on the ‘atmosphere’ of a place.

“We got you both another round of hot chocolates,“ Graham said, holding one out to each of them. The Doctor took hers gratefully, wrapping icy fingers around the warmth of the mug. “I’m amazed you’re not half froze, standing out there.“

“So is one of you going to explain?“ Ryan asked. “I didn’t take you for the married sort, Doctor.”

Yaz gave him a nudge under the table with her foot - the Doctor knew this because she missed Ryan and caught the Doctor’s shin instead. “What he means is, we thought you’d have been around, River? We were just saying, we’re a bit surprised we haven’t met you before, that’s all.”

onlywateristheriver

So, they were going to hold hands then. They’d never actually done the couple-thing before. Not with anyone they actually knew personally outside of her parents and not even then, as her dad had always been a bit overprotective for the brief moments they’d had as dad and daughter. River found that she liked it very much. She didn’t release her wife’s hand even when the older man held out the hot chocolate for her. “Thank you.”

She turned to the girl. “Well, the Doctor and I have had such an interesting history, always meeting out of order. Has she told you about any of it?”

doctor-of-fair-play

No. The answer was ‘no’. She’d not said a word. So many names she never let past her lips, because it hurt too much, because she didn’t want to scare her new friends by letting on how many had been lost while she’d carried on. The Doctor, such a survivor. Always living while those she loved… Perhaps the tension showed - a tightness in her neck, an expression on her face - because Yaz seemed to understand and saved her. “I think we scared the Doctor off talking about personal things when she let on she was two thousand and we threatened her with two thousand birthday parties.”

A small look of confusion touched against Ryan’s face, for she’d once mentioned her age in passing but there had been no talk of parties, but he caught on after a moment, “Right yeah.“

“Love a good party, me,“ the Doctor said, feeling able to take a breath, “but so many candles. Don’t really want to be blamed for another fire - Rome was bad enough.” She took a sip of her hot chocolate. “Why don’t you tell them ‘bout the Byzantium, dear? That was a good one. This one decided the best was t’drop by the TARDIS would be to fling herself out another ship’s hatch.”

0nlywateristheriver

“Two thousand birthday parties? I don’t even think she’s ever had even one.” River nudged the Doctor with her shoulder. “Dad and I tried to throw him a surprise birthday party once. Mum was supposed to keep him occupied for a couple of hours. They didn’t come back for two days! He never could quite explain why, but I think Mum had let it slip somehow what we’d been planning.” River’s eyes got misty for a moment.

She gathered herself back together. “The Byzantium. Right. You were so young then.” She smiled at the Doctor then winked at Yaz. “He looked about twelve years old, and so easy to get all flustered. Particularly when I landed right on top of him when he pulled me into the TARDIS.”

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me.  One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

[kosmicdream]

Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i  try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that! 

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno? 

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds. 

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

[what-is-left-is-lust]

I am very ugly

Soul and outter appearance and all. Whenever anyone would compliment me I would initially feel happy that its worth mentioning to me. Queue 3 minutes later and I feel disgusting. Like " no stop saying that , thats just cruel. Thats a cruel cruel joke." I had always assumed they were lying. Maybe they sensed I was sad and in their lame attempt to get me to feel better about myself brings them self gratification. I remember a lot of the times where someone has commented on how I look or my weight. Always struggled with my identity and image. Hearing it from other people didnt make anything easier. ' hey you lost weight you look so much better'. One of the dress fittings for my sisters wedding - the tailor told me I was pretty but id be prettier if I was thinner. He said I would never get married with how i looked. He said there was still time for me to change. He said what a shame. He said dont let it be a loss. He said things Id never forget. My sister said not to listen to him afterwards. That he said that to other people before. That hes outdated and he attempted to make it seem sincere or that he cared. My friends , to the best of my knowledge have never outwardly called me fat. But I definitely did feel like the ugly fat friend. Just brought around to enhance their self esteem. I felt pretty at times but only when I rarely ate. Those were the times where guys looked at me or when girls wanted to be my friend. Whenever I wore makeup when going out with my friends. Old flames or people I grew up with try and talk to me. They talk to me like they were introducing themselves for the first time. " Ive known you for 6 years.." " Im sorry i didnt recognize you. You look healthier!!" I was not. I was never healthy. Not at my biggest. Nor at my lowest. My current best and only friend has said things...jabs at my weight. He probably doesnt even know. While we went out to eat at a cafe and I ordered 2 appetizers and a meal he commented to the waiter about it. ' Sorry we're just really hungry we will probably take everything back with us home.' But he didnt order yet. I ate my meals too. Finishing it felt taboo like I wasnt supposed to. He mentioned 2 weeks ago that I was a catfish. That i take pictures from angles that make me look better. I know he avoided the word ' thinner' I knownit too. Maybe thats how i started my self online. Ive lied about my weight online before. Since I was younger I always tried acting like how I thought I was supposed to be. Since I was 10-11 years old i would say things for shock value. Never letting anyone come near the true me. Id say absurd things to even hurt other people. It never made me feel better. That was never the reason. I wanted to hurt myself. I was a coward. I wanted to hurt people with my words so that in return they would hurt me. And that is what I felt like I deserved. So when they leave..it is justified. Id repeat this process my entire life. Ive exiled amazing people. All due to my insecurities. Lying about my true feelings. Hiding behind a persona. I will never be 1/4th happy this way. I really wanted my best friend to be the first person to accept me at this..weight. I realized when my first 3 yr relationship ex saw me for the first time. He didnt care what I looked like. Thats why it was so hard to let him go. I felt he truly doesnt care about my weight or how I looked. I felt pretty and he didnt even have to say it. I felt beautiful again around my best friend almost every single time. Until..he would make slight comments like that. " He left you because you advertised yourself as someone better than you actually were IRL." He has said those words to me time and time again. I dont even know why anymore but it did hurt every single time. My ex bf the one who sparked ( if i could even call it that ) a change in me which resulted in some soul searching and ended up doing it for me- called me gorgeous one night when I was drunk. I felt beautiful then too. Only to have it shattered 2 months later by my best friend ( hes not awful i owe a lot to my best friend but in this aspect it really did mess me up) saying those words to me. I had my best friend carry me once for like 5 seconds. Id never let anyone do that to me. Never. But I let him. I trusted him. He knew what it meant to me and that made me happy. Zoom past 3 -4 months later he opened up to me that ever since then he was working out every day to get bigger and stronger. He said hes never done that for a girl before but he did it for me. My best friend wanted to get stronger...in order to be able to hold me. The gesture meant a lot to me but it also put in perspective..all of the females in his life are petite and somewhat thin and a few curvy ones. But I was the first. the biggest. I hadnt realize how my depression made me get to this point. I weighed myself. And i saw. I was gaining weight again. A lot more. Although he stopped i refuse to let my weight have this hold over me. Its not even just about that. I hate my shape. My ex hates it too thats another reason why he would never consider me a friend. My best friend even said im not his type and im not his ideal girl which is petite in that regard among other things. My best friend still loves me despite this. It still hurts to know how he truly feels. I wanted to wait till i saw him again ( been planning since December) that he was the only one in my life right then that wanted to talk to me and not have it related to my looks. Until he said all of that ^ until i realized he was initially obsessed with my ' thick thighs.' I know theres more to this. I know I know. These thoughts iscolate themselves from the bigger picture. I just never want to fool myself for a second that there will be someone who sees me like "this" and truly wants to help me get better. Or love me the way I am. I wanted it to be my ex at the time so bad. Little did I know it was the complete opposite. I know my bestfriend DOES love me how I am but i cannot help to silence the demons in my head that tell me otherwise. That he wishes I was different. I feel like he liked my shock factor personality. That he liked how ambitious or random i could be. I tried showing him another side of me..a truer side in which we could just chill and do nothing and we could be content. But he explained to me he hated it. " you always say you wanna do adventurous things with me but when it comes down to it you dont want to do anything." ...thats not true. I didnt realize he wanted it all the time. He always wanted things to be spontaneous and hot and heavy and extreme. I did not think there wouldnt be any room to breathe. To just chill with the person i held dear. I didnt know i was that person to him. I didnt know I would be replaced in that aspect. I didnt know i finished my service.. my plans to tell him how i felt in May have diminished because I dont feel that way anymore. He said after that incident he had fallen out of love for me due to me telling him to move on. I had been telling him for months. Why did he decide that then? Because i didnt want to do those things? I wanted a firm line between what is ok and what wasnt. Theres so many things I would do with him had I felt more comfortable in my own skin..I want to be able to do them one day but for some reason it doesnt feel right with him. A lot of other things do..of course. I love him dearly. Maybe even more than he does to me. Theres so much he doesnt understand and doesnt want to hear. Theres so much ive been going hot and cold on for so long i still havent decided my feelings on a lot of things. I dont want to lose my best friend but i do not want to be belitted in the process i dont want to lose myself. So right now ive decided to be numb. Go with the flow but be numb. Dont let things get to me. All these thoughts i have written on this blog will remain but I shall move on. I might tell him one day and maybe even my ex if he will ever care enough. I never meant to hurt you that way. I meant to hurt me. I didnt mean to lie to you to hurt you. It was meant to not hurt me. I wanted to be something greater than i was. I didnt mean to belittle you and i hope you can forgiv eme one day. Now i can finally stop hoping you would find me truly beautiful one day. Like the first time you saw me. My best friend and past lovers. I will become better. I will not let my past haunt me. To my family I will always love you no matter where I am. I love you even if I say I dont. I am stubborn sometimes. I will change. If not for me then I shall for all of you. Thank you. Please please, i will never leave you again. So do not leave me. Remember me..okay? Just remember me.

[that-buckley-gal]

Powerless - Chapter Six

June 22, 1943

When I woke up in the morning, sunlight was poking through the otherwise thin curtains. I was grateful that I wasn’t fully exposed to the sun this time. I yawn and stretch and kick my blankets to the floor, instantly regretting it as the cool apartment air gave me a sudden chill. Moaning softly as I shivered, I curled up into a ball and rolled over to my side. My eyes focus on the clock staring back at me, showing that the time was 8:04 AM.

“It’s not like me to sleep in,” I told the clock, my voice thick with sleep. “But I did have a rough night, right? Oh what do you know? You’re just a clock.” I doze off again only to wake up six minutes later, this time more alert. I need to get up. Steve’s coming home and the place is a mess. Add to the fact that I haven’t worked in nearly a week, I felt like a wreck. Cleaning made it easier. I dipped into the bathroom for a moment to make myself look decent; house chore clothes and hair pinned back. I wandered back to the kitchen and began tossing out random items that looked like garbage.

 Time obviously flew by as the apartment got tidier and started to smell fresher. Before I knew it, it was already nearing four in the afternoon when I decided I’d take a break. All I had to do was the bedrooms, and Steve’s would just need to be aired out after being left alone for almost a week. I think I should’ve cleaned his sheets or something. Then I decide I should wash them. I get up and enter the room, heading straight for the window for two reasons. The first was to open the one, large window that was in there. The second was to see if old, grouchy Mrs. Craw was putting her stuff on the line in the back; she was. Cursing silently to myself, I move and grab Steve’s blankets and raise them up and shake them a few times and repeating the action with his pillow. I then remake the bed as neatly as I could before moving back out to grab the broom and start sweeping up any and all dust that has collected over the week, not that there was a whole lot to start with. As the dust was collected and promptly thrown into the over-filled garbage can, I set to work scrubbing the place. I supposed that if I was in this position around this time last year and Steve and Bucky walked in, they’d correctly assume that I was ridding myself of the dark place. It wasn’t something I was even remotely fond of, as I knew that the darkness looming over me made me an emotional time bomb. One moment I’d feel perfectly fine alone then I’d feel lonely. If Bucky or Steve showed up, I would become immediately irate with them and they would leave, making me feel lonely once more. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I’d be either really glum about everything, or I’d be really excited for everything: there was no in between. When I was really off, I’d get really hot and bothered just at the thought of Bucky, but I never acted on those impulse instincts, instead berating him for being too handsome and would lock myself away until I was either glum or excited again, pushing away the thoughts of my unwanted thoughts. Cleaning usually helped to ward off the darkness, but not always. It’s still here now, I can feel the moodiness creeping up on me, but I continue to do my work in silence, myself being the only companion at the moment. If Steve wasn’t coming home today, then I knew I’d be calling on my girls to be with me, even if just for an hour. My boys were at war, this they knew, and I was alone. I just plopped back down onto the couch when the apartment door creaked open. I turn to the sound, painfully aware that I am weaponless and exposed. My relief is instant when I catch sight of Steve…or who I believed Steve to be. “Steve?” I ask in disbelief. “Hey, Mads,” he said. His voice was the same. Eyes, facial structure, basically everything was the same. The only painfully obvious differences were in height and build. He was huge! It worked I thought idly as my eyes took in the new appearance as I slowly approached him. He didn’t move as I approached and I briefly wondered why before I realized he might’ve realized I was cleaning. But that shouldn’t automatically cause him to think that I was in the dark – even though I was – for all he knew I could’ve been cleaning as a way of saying “yes I can live alone if I really needed to” and in this case I did. I kept the place from burning down. The same couldn’t be said for Bucky’s apartment. I should probably go check on that later. “I met Peggy,” I announce as I back away. Hugs were going to be reserved for another time when I was sure he wouldn’t crush me. I could see Steve’s brows furrow as he thinks back as to when, why, and how Peggy came to see me. Questions he’d have to find the answers for out on his own later. “And I really like her. She’s pretty, tough…English. I think you two would be really good together.” I take a breath and smirk at my brother. “Not as good as Buck and I, obviously, but a close second for sure.” Steve laughed that deep, genuine laugh of his, and I knew that he was my brother still on the inside. It was exactly like Dr. Erskine said: his good qualities were now great. And his new physique would allow him to go overseas and fight for good like he always wanted to and I was happy for him.

 Steve and I spent the night talking about his changes, and I let him know that Peggy spilled the beans about Project Rebirth, which worried and relieved Steve. He also let slip the fact that Dr. Erskine was killed yesterday by a man who Steve gave chase to. “His last words were ‘Hail Hydra’,” Steve explained. “Hydra?” I asked. “Well, that’s original.” “You think so?” Steve asked. “I think that’s dangerous.” He didn’t speak as he finished off the last of his food. I’d finished my own plate a while ago. “You should ask about getting paid for being a test subject,” I said. “Especially now that you’ve torn through everything that was in the fridge.” Steve gave me an impish look before his face fell. “Have you checked out Bucky’s place at all?” “It’s too painful,” I said in a dejected voice. I snuck a glance at Steve to see he looked at the table, lips pursed in thought. “I miss him.” “I know. I do, too.”

 We fell into a brief silence before Steve perked up.

 “Did you ever get your present from my closet?”

 “Um,” I honestly forgot about his note. “No? I’m sorry, this past week has been insane.”

 “Understandable,” Steve smiled. “Wait here.” He took off towards his room and I sighed. He returned as quickly as he went, holding a box wrapped in navy wrapping paper with a opal white bow. “Here ye be, happy belated birthday.”

 “Thank you,” I said accepting the gift. I practically tore the paper to shreds, revealing the cardboard box underneath. I opened it to find a letter with my name on it, a slightly larger envelope beside it, a small box, and an even smaller velvet box inside. I opted for the velvet box first and opened it to reveal a silver heart-shaped locket.

 “Oh, this is beautiful, Steve,” I said and opened it. I could feel my eyes get misty when I saw a picture of my mom holding me when I was a baby on one side, and a picture of her, Steve and myself on the other. “Wow.” I closed it and inspected the locket closer to see there was some kind of symbol engraved on the back of it. “What does this mean?”

 “I don’t know; mom wanted to give you the necklace and the letter on your twentieth birthday.”

 “Then why…” I didn’t need to finish. Steve didn’t think he was going to come back. “Well thank you, I guess.” I took the letter from mom and went to open it, but stopped. “I’m going to wait to open this.”

 “Are you sure?” Steve asked. I could tell he wanted to know what it said as well and I nodded.

 I took the other small box out next and opened it to find a grey and red scarf with matching beanie and gloves in it. “Wow, Steve. Thank you!” I laughed and put the gloves on right away to see they fit perfectly. I also draped the scarf around me. “This is great; exactly what I need for the winter.”

 Steve smiled. “Well I know you weren’t too happy when you found out me and Buck lost your other set on that snowman. I figured it’s better late than never to replace that.”

 “You are simplifying it, brother. But thank you.”

 I opened the card next to find a handmade card from Steve, with $25 inside. I tried to give it back to Steve, insisting he earned it but he said it was for me and that he wouldn’t take it back, so I begrudgingly put it in my purse. I thanked my brother with a final hug before retreating to my room for the night, with the letter from my mother weighing me down.

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[foreveregyptian]

DO ALL OF THE AESTHETIC ASKS (but not the ones you're uncomfortable answering)

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

last monday in the gameroom a little louder than i should have

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

any moment i’ve spent with people whose company i enjoy

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would increase my voluntary salah, make some more dua, probably pray my salah with other people instead of alone, and go back to jumuah (i havent been going and i miss it). overall increase my rememberance of Allah

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

things id like to accomplish in this life inshaallah (based on first thing that comes to mind)

-memorize the Quran

-get married 

-travel with my future husband everywhere (inshaallah inshaallah)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

my mom honestly. sometimes we go on little adventures (thrift stores, short walks, cafes, or even grocery shopping) and she gets excited over the cutest things like teacups and stuff and she works so hard for her business and she balances so much on top of her normal responsibilities mashaallah shes such a great role model may Allah protect her and reward her for everything she does ameen

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I would say my childhood was average, there were a few times where ive gone through rough patches but theyve made me who i am today and I’m thankful for that. 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

a couple nights ago in front of my mom, i got overwhelmed with a bunch of things that stressed me out and she knew something was up and she asked about it so i kind of cried a bit. 

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

my future husband (inshaallah). I dont know why, but it just seems that it should be him. stargazing seems like a really peaceful activity that requires comfortable quiet and that was the first thing that came to mind. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

not really.... considering the fact i’m kind of awkward at first meeting people. 

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

with maryam, shes one of my best friends and im thankful for her

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

To anyone in the room, my shahaada (bearing witness that there is no God worthy of worship except Allah and that Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him is His servant and Messenger)

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re calming to look into! 

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Its a verse from the Quran that I feel like has affected my life alot, from surah Hashr ayah 59, the translation being “And be not like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves. Those are the defiantly disobedient.” along with surah Ra’d ayah 28, “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”. Lately ive been feeling alot of anxiety for issues of this dunya, and at the same time i have to be honest but I wasnt 100% with remembering Allah. I was doing it, but it wasnt with the best intentions, and I’m trying to fix it. Alhamdulillah my chest is a bit lighter and I feel calmer, as if my heart is at more ease than it was before, subhanallah. 

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

probably donate it to my community school, they really need the money for repairs. 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I didnt used to be. I used to hold grudges for a long time until i realized it wasnt healthy and also it wasnt good. and then i was forgiving to people who had harmed me, but if anyone did anything to my friends i would stay mad at them even when my friends had forgiven them (at this point i was like okay tasneem chill). now i can say (alhamdulillah) that i have an okay level of forgiveness (better than what i used to have before).

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dont worry about what other people think about you because none of it matters in the end. You are beautiful. You will go through fake friends and one sided friendships and they will leave but you will find gems that will help you grow as a person and will be there for you and call you out on your mistakes for your sake so grit your teeth a bit more and ride it out, verily with hardship comes ease. drill that in your mind, repeat it, because you will go through so much difficulty and emptiness but none of it is in vain. You did not go to umd like you wanted but youre much happier here alhamdulillah and you’ll see why. 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel! definetly pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I’ve been exposed to cultures where nose piercings are normal, and i have my ears pierced. for myself i wouldnt want to go past either of those but people are free to pierce whatever they want. Tattoos mehhhhhh i wont judge anyone who has them but theyre not allowed in Islam. personally i prefer henna. 

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i wear whatever im in the mood/energy for on each given day, but if its a big even i do a full face (what i consider full face is foundation/concealer and my eyes/eyebrows, plus occasional highlight) I dont have time in my routine for eyeshadow or learning how to do it. On class days that i do wear it it’ll range from fresh face to eyebrows and eyeliner+mascara. 

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

Donald Trump, you are the shittiest human being in the world. (not changing this) 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

(has not been to a concert)

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

red bc its cool

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

zaynub, maryam, hibaaq, afraah, and raneem and maybe somewhere in dc or an art museum or a city with cafes OH YEAH A CAT CAFE 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i saw this fanart of a hijabi airbender and it was so freaking cool i wanted to do a costume party and do a hijabified avatar character bc thats sick as heck

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

lol the most high ive been was at the dentist office off of laughing gas and my limbs were falling off the chair and i was laughing my head off 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

i’d rather only listen to one song because i love the people i surround myself with and i cant choose just one. 

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

for me it was kind of heart painful. my heart would miss the person a bit after they passed by and it would go on for months... wishing for another way to see them even if its just a few seconds, the feeling that you’ve met before and wish to meet again, and after a long time when you think you’re over them, they show up and it all starts over. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i’ve been told id look good in short hair and ive always wanted to try it?

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

honestly my drinks vary but i usually like eating the turkey egg white sandwich. not even myself bc i never know what i want from there *nervous sweats*

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

making it to Paradise via pleasing Allah (SWT)

[sirencecelius]

Aesthetic themed ask list response

Flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? Like 10 minutes ago when i was brushing my hair. Fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? Anything ‘biggest unsolved mysteries ever’ related, Zodiac Killer? Tell me, The Dan Cooper plane jacking? Please enlighten me. Daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Im getting my panic attacks under control. 1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? I broke my leg, so my friend helped cheer me up by letting me teach him to play the ukelele. Matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Yeah, id probably kill myself, trying to live normally would just be post-poning the inevitable. Black nail polish: do you have a bucket lost? If so, what are the top 3 things? 1.Scuba dive/ look for sunken U boats. 2. Get a picture in front of the Jesus statue in Brazil. 3. Find love. Pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. My great grandma was the greatest, kind, gentle and all around amazing, yes she was grey and old but arent all of the good ones? Moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? Yes and no. My mom was abusive, my dad left, but my grandparents tried to make up that with happy memories. Stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? Since age 14 i was able to hold it in, so i guess i havent cried in front of another living soul since then. Plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. I’d probably choose by close friend Makayla, she understands me more than anyone who sees me from the outside, shes the only person to see past the outer shell. Converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? Yeah probably, i mean my system is to bottle shit up until it explodes, i never tell anyone in my life about my emotions so that’d probably be a refreshing change of pace. Lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? It was about 6 months ago and she was my best friend, but like everyone else in my life she decided she didnt want to be a part of it. Handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? I would say “thank for everything” to my friend Makayla. Cactus: whats your opinion on brown eyes? I love them, Makayla has them. Sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. “Not all stories have happy endings; but that doesnt mean theyre not worth the read” to me it reminds me of my life: nothing goes right but its tragically interesting. Oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? 'Dear everyone, im sorry’ Overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? Probably donate half of it to St. Judes, and use the other half in case i get seriously hurt and have a large medical bill. Combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? Do you like being this way? Im too forgiving for my taste, i wish i could just push the people away but when they ask for my forgiveness i get weak. Winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. (I will do that seperately later). Pastel:would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? A little of both, a black loose flowing leather skirt, a pastel blue t shirt and a black leather jacket are all i need. Tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? Explain. I love tattoos and piercings, i have several tattoos and my septum is pierced. Do you wear a lot of make up? Why/why not? I wear a little bit of make up, like eye shadow and eyeliner because foundation clogs my pours. Bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. I know this sounds cliché but i think Tweny One Pilots have influenced my life a lot, they have relatable lyrics, and they deal with the same emotional troubles most of us have. Messy bun: the world is listening. Pick one sentence you would tell them. Live and love, dont hate. Cry baby: list the concerts youve been to and talk about how they make you feel. Melanie Martinez, Twenty One Pilots, Panic At Thr Disco, My Chemical Romance, Theory of a Deadman, and Five Finger Death Punch. (They mean too much to explain in one post). Grunge: who in the world would you like to receive a letter from and what wod you want it to say? I would want to get a letter from my new ex best friend Noelle, and id want it to say “i still care”. Space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? No i dont, i have a lap desk. White bed sheets: what is your nightime routine? Eat, take off make up, flop onto bed, roll around for 20 minutes trying to get confortable, sleep . Old books: whats the one thing you dont want your parents to know? That im severly depressed. Beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? I would dye it purple or pink, purple to match the night sky a pink to match the sunset. Eyes: SKIPPING IT 11:11 : name three wishes and why you wish for them. 1. For my life to be better. 2.no cancer, period. 3. A college degree in any practice so i could get a job. Painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? If none, make one up. I am torn between 3 costumes. When i was 16 i was Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat (im a girl), when i was 17 i was Laura Croft, and when i was 18 i was X Mens Quicksilver. Lightning: whats the worst thing youve ever done while drunk or high? Fell down 2 flights of stairs. Thunder: whats one thing you would never do for one million dollars? A three way. Storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life, which and why? I would probably listen to Shinning Bright by Echosmith, because it talks about stars and i love stars. Love: have you ever fallen in love? Describe what it feels like to realise youre in love. Its like getting hit in the face with a fucking truck, it hurts like hell. Clouds: would you ever rock really short hair? I have and i would do it again. Coffee: whats your starbucks order, and who would you trust to for you, if anyone? I dont drink starbucks. Marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? The stars, theyre the one constant thing in my life sadly, but theyre beautiful so i dont mind 😏.