#and that left such a deep wound that she’ll self sabotage if she needs to

[70won]

despite however many lovers johanna has in her lifetime, at the end of the day they never last. johanna never has a lifelong partner and part of it is because she will purposely push away someone she’s gotten too close to. after systematically losing everyone who’s ever meant anything to her, the fear and trauma never truly heal. it leads to many rounds of heartbreak but johanna doesn’t take it as being lonely. she comes to terms that it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have ever loved and the platonic love surrounding her is enough to keep her cup full

[iamnotoriginalphil]

Your New Girl (Melissa Schemmenti x f!Reader)

Synopsis: You ask Melissa to help you get back at your ex when you lie and say you have a new girlfriend

Words: 4.6k

Warnings: low self esteem, asshole ex girlfriends, alcohol

“I need to ask you a massive favour.”

You closed the classroom door, pressing your back to it. Looking up from over the top of her glasses, Melissa considered you for a long moment. Her lips pursed and in one horrifying moment it came crashing down what a bad idea this had been.

“You know what? Never mind.”

You spun, hand already on the doorknob.

“Whaddaya want?” she asked before you could flee.

You sighed, turning back around. The expression on her face was not helping with the nerves in your body, nor the belief she was about to tear you a new one.

“Look, uh… you know how Ava tricked me into going to the club with her tonight?”

“Uh huh,” you said, the expression on her face darkening.

“Well, through a horrible set of circumstances my ex girlfriend was here, talking to Ava who invited her tonight and I might have mentioned that I have a super hot girlfriend as she was leaving and she said she couldn’t wait to meet her tonight,” you rushed out, watching her incredulity deepen, “and I don’t have a super hot girlfriend and I can’t just not show up because then she’ll know I lied.”

“Why do you care what she thinks?” she asked.

You took a deep breath, not wanting to admit the reason. But the way she was looking at you said you had to or she’d never give you what you wanted.

“She broke my heart. Like shattered into a million pieces on the floor broken. And when she left, she told me it was because I wasn’t good enough for her, and that she’d already found someone better. Salt in the wounds and all that,” you said, “so I guess I just wanted her to know that I’d moved on and she didn’t destroy me.”

The look of pity that crossed her face was the opposite of what you’d wanted to see. You sighed.

“Hon…” Her voice had softened.

“Don’t. Don’t with that voice. I didn’t come here for that.” You pointed at her, advancing on her desk.

“Then what did you come here for?” she asked.

“Right.” You couldn’t forget to actually ask, “I need a super hot fake girlfriend. Janine is annoying, Barbra is Barbra, and she’s already met Ava. And I know it’s a big ask, but would you be willing to pretend with me? Just for one night? I’ll buy you an entire dozen donuts from that place you love.”

“You want me to go to a club with Ava?” She raised one eyebrow.

“Two dozen,” you said.

She considered you for another long moment. You fidgeted in front of her, knowing you were asking too much of her. Of course she’d say no. No one wants to go out with Ava. Least of all Melissa. And it didn’t matter that you were kind of friends with her, not when you were asking her for so much.

“Deal.”

“What?” You must have missed something, “seriously?”

“Sure, hon. As long as you’re good for those donuts,” she replied, turning her eyes back to the work she’d been grading, “text me what time to pick you up.”

Returning home to your sad, depressing apartment, you could feel yourself freaking out. You were going to spend the night with your ex while pretending Melissa was your new super hot girlfriend. Melissa was going to be touching you. Melissa was maybe going to be flirting with you. Melissa, the most intimidating woman you’d met who you’d been half in love with for the last year, was going to be your fake girlfriend for the night. You were so fucked.

You’d shot yourself in the foot by asking her to be the one to help you with the situation you’d created. It must be self sabotage to ask the only woman who could destroy you to do this for you. The only woman you knew who could ruin you inside and out with barely more than a smile.

And yet as you got ready you did it with the hope of her finding you sexy enough to maybe see you more as than just a teacher she worked with.

The buzzer sounded just as you zipped your boots up. Were thigh high boots a smart choice? Probably not, but with your dress they made you look hot. Hopefully.

“Come on up,” you said into the intercom.

The pounding on your door had a tinge of annoyance in it already. You pulled it open, almost reeling back when you saw Melissa standing on the other side. Your eyes scanned her body, lingering in places that weren’t appropriate for a work colleague. Pants practically painted on, tight top with cleavage pushed up, she was the exact kind of vision you imagined late at night when your hand wandered.

“Well shit, hon, don’t you look like a heartbreaker,” she said.

Your cheeks heated and you felt jittery.

“Come on in,” you said, stepping back, “I need to grab my purse.”

“Why do you live in a shoebox?” she asked, looking over the apartment that was made up of four rooms at most if you were being generous.

“Unless you can tell me how to find somewhere better on our salary, this is the best I can get on my own,” you called from the bedroom.

“You could always live with someone else,” she suggested, sounding much closer than you were expecting.

She was leaning on the doorframe of your bedroom, hip cocked, arms crossed pushing up her cleavage even more. Those green eyes were watching you, so intense, making you shiver. Lips curled up in a smirk and you knew tonight was going to ruin you.

“I guess because I don’t have anyone to live with,” you replied.

“That your purse?” She glanced down at the purse in your hands.

“Yup,” you replied, “so we can go now or… never.”

“If you’re having second thoughts now’s the time to tell me,” she said.

“Not unless you are,” you said, hoping you sounded calm.

“C’mon hon.”

She grabbed your arm, pulling you out of your apartment without another word. She held the car door open for you, like you were going on a proper date. Your heart fluttered.

The car ride to the club was surprisingly quiet. You kept sneaking glances over at her, not sure if you should fill the silence or not. Janine would, which made you think Melissa wouldn’t appreciate it. So that left you listening to the radio quietly as you did your best not to stare too long at her.

“Relax,” she said, pulling up a street or two from the club, “we can still leave if you want.”

“I’m crazy for doing this right?” You sought out her eyes, needing the reassurance that you hadn’t totally lost your mind.

“Sure, maybe a little. But who doesn’t get a bit crazy around an asshole ex?” she said, “look, hon, I’m not gonna judge you for doing this but if you don’t want to go in there I can take you home. Or I could buy you a drink and we can ignore her altogether. Since we’re already here.”

You bit down on your lip as you thought about it. The interior of the car was so dark you must have misread the way her eyes flicked down then away from you.

“Okay,” you said, “yeah, a drink. And thanks. For doing this and indulging in my crazy.”

“The donuts are worth it,” she said, opening her door.

You laughed as you followed her, reminding yourself this was an exchange and she wasn’t helping you out of the kindness of her heart. There was no way she liked you enough for that. You weren’t Barbra.

She placed her hand on the small of your back. You could feel her warmth through the thin material of your dress, burning into your skin as you walked to the line of the club. The line stretched far down the block, thumping music spilling out whenever the door was opened to let someone in. You went to join the end of the line but Melissa guided you to the man at the door.

She lent forward, whispering something in his ear. He nodded, holding the door open for them.

“C’mon, hon,” she said, hand sliding around to grasp your hip, “only the best for my girl.”

A high pitched giggle was the only response you gave.

Inside the bass was thumping and the lights were flashing and bodies were pressing in from every angle. Melissa kept her arm around you, holding you close as she wound through people, directing you towards the bar. There were people on tables dancing and you were already regretting letting Ava trick you into coming with her.

“Gimme a beer and one of those green drinks,” Melissa shouted across the bar at one of the bartenders.

She lent back against it, pulling you closer until her body was brushing against yours.

“Are you going to be driving home?” you asked, raising your voice to be heard above the music.

“I’m only gonna have one. Don’t worry, hon. I’ll make sure you get home okay,” she said, leaning forward to say it into your ear. Her lips brushed against your earlobe, making you shiver.

“Hey.”

A hand landed on your shoulder. Melissa’s gaze hardened. You turned, finding your ex standing there, looking as hot as the first day you’d met her. She was grinning at you, eyes slowly taking in your appearance.

“I wasn’t sure you’d show up,” she shouted to you.

“I promised Ava,” you shouted back.

A hand curled around your waist again, hand grazing over your stomach. You were pulled back against a supple body, a chin coming to rest on your shoulder. Your ex turned her gaze to Melissa, smile hardening.

“This is Melissa, the woman I was telling you about,” you said, “Mel, this is Carrie.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Melissa said, not bothering to offer her hand to your ex.

You felt the challenge in the air.

“All good I hope,” Carrie said.

“Keep hoping,” Mel replied.

You had to stifle your laughter. Carrie’s face hardened as Melissa tightened her arm around you.

“Here you go, sweetheart,” she murmured, passing the electric green drink to you.

“Thanks,” you replied, turning your head to look at her, nose brushing against hers.

You paused a moment, breathless from how close she was. Her eyes were lingering on your lips, breath ghosting over your skin. You couldn’t move, drawn into the well of her gravity, leaning closer.

“Aw, aren’t you guys cute?”

You blinked, drawing back from Melissa just enough to be able to breath again. Her hand was still pressing against her stomach, holding you close. Carrie was watching you two, a straw between her lips, sucking slow on the liquid in her glass. Her eyes kept darting between the two of you, something mean curling her lip.

“I didn’t realise you were into older woman,” she said, “I mean she must be old enough to be your mother.”

You felt Melissa stiffen behind you. You rolled your eyes at Carrie, snorting at the implication. It was such a weak argument.

“Sorry, turns out I like someone mature enough to hold a meaningful conversation,” you replied, “and with the experience to be more than an unsatisfying fumble under the covers.”

Soft lips pressed to your cheek. You inhaled sharply, trying to remain relaxed in her hold as eyes narrowed. You took a drink from the glass, covering the warmth in your cheeks and the shaky hand. If just the brush of her lips against the apple of your cheek could do this to you, you would never survive more from her.

“Ava is waiting for you in the VIP area,” Carrie said.

“Oh goodie,” you muttered.

Melissa snorted, tangling her fingers with yours to tug you after Carrie’s retreating back. The brush of her palm against yours, the feel of her warmth so close, the scent of her perfume wrapping around you. It was all too much.

“You’re right,” she murmured against your ear, “she’s a bitch.”

“Really?” you asked.

“Fuck her,” she grumbled but you weren’t sure you were meant to have heard.

You moved into the roped off section of the club, upstairs and exclusive, the kind of place you’d never been before. Melissa slipped her arm around your waist again, the brush of her body making you feel lightheaded. The people surrounded you weren’t so packed in and their clothing was way nicer than those downstairs. Expensive drinks were flowing like water. You felt so out of place.

Carrie sat at a small collection of sofas and chairs in the middle of the room. Ava was holding court, drink in one hand, bottle of champagne in the other. The others around were listening and laughing along. You hovered, feeling so out of place, sliding your arm around Melissa’s waist just to feel grounded to something real.

Melissa?” Ava said, catching sight of you standing just outside their circle, “what are you doing here?”

“She’s with me,” you replied, tightening your hold on her until she was pressed against your side.

Yeah, you were so fucked.

“Wait, you two are together? Since when?” she asked.

“Yeah, since when?” Carrie asked, leaning forward until her cleavage was practically spilling out of her dress.

“A while now,” you replied.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know I love gossip,” Ava complained.

“Didn’t want you in my business,” Melissa said, “still don’t if I’m being honest.”

“You didn’t have any issue telling me,” Carrie said, looking up from under her eyelashes at her.

“It’s a little different telling you than it is telling my boss,” she replied.

“You trying to make me jealous, cookie?” she asked, smirking up at you.

You’d forgotten she’d used to call you that.

“Since you told me you could do better I didn’t think I was able to,” you replied.

Melissa’s arm tightened around you, fingers pressing into your hip.

“But then you showed up looking like that so I might have to reevaluate that,” she replied.

You couldn’t miss the growl that came from Melissa. She pressed closer to you and when you turned to look at her, she was clenching her jaw and glaring at Carrie.

“Too bad she already has someone then,” she snapped.

Carrie’s eyes were almost lazy as they moved over to Melissa.

“We’ll see,” she hummed, tongue pulling the straw in her glass back into her mouth.

You could feel how tense Melissa was, body stiff, almost vibrating. You turned your head, lips brushing her cheek. Those green eyes flashed down to you, softening for a moment. You sighed, gently brushing a bit of her hair away from her face, fingers lingering on her skin.

“Do you want to dance?” she asked.

“You dance?” You smiled up at her.

“Course I dance,” she said, sounding offended.

“You better show me your moves then, Schemmenti,” you murmured.

She plucked the empty glass from your hand, placing it down on a passing waiter’s tray before threading her fingers through yours and tugging you towards the dance floor. Once you were there, you weren’t sure what to do. Not that you didn’t know how to dance. You just didn’t know how to dance with Melissa. You paused, too far from her to even touch.

“What are you doing, hon?” she asked, reaching out to pull you closer.

“Sorry.” You shook your head, “aren’t you finding this all a bit… weird?”

She pulled your arms around your neck, her own sliding around your waist. Your whole body flooded with heat as her hips began to move in time with the music. She was slow, guiding you against her, bodies pressing closer, one of her legs slotting between yours. Your breath caught, a low throbbing beginning as she brushed against you.

“Does this feel weird to you, hon?” she asked.

You couldn’t answer that question honestly.

“I don’t know if you’re a good actress or just a good liar but you’re weirdly good at this,” you said.

“And you need to loosen up,” she said.

Her hands drifted to your hips. With practiced ease, she guided your hips to sway, practically grinding down on the thigh she’s slotted between yours. You pressed your lips together, doing your best not to let the small whimper fall from your lips. Leaning forward, her hair brushed against your cheek, lips brushing your earlobe again.

“You’re doing fine,” she whispered.

“Do you think I’m making my point?” you asked.

Her hands were guiding you to grind down on her harder. Your eyes caught on hers, not able to look away as the music beat in time with the thud of your heart. Breath caught in your chest, not sure what the expression on her face was. If you had hope, it would be something close to lust.

“She’s watching us,” Melissa said, “and she looks mad. She knows she has no chance with you.”

She hauled you closer, hands sliding from your hips to your ass. Another flash of heat swarmed through your veins. She was close enough that if you just tilted your face up just right your lips would be brushing against hers. The warmth of her body was everywhere and you couldn’t control the way a moan rumbled in your chest. Her lips quirked up into a crooked smile.

A warm body pressed to your back, startling you out of your thoughts. Melissa’s eyes flicked to whoever was at your back, hardening. Her hands, still on your ass, pulled you close enough there was no space between, bodies pressed together as tight as possible. You turned your head, finding Carrie behind you. She gave you a smile you’d seen before, the one she would shoot you as she was trying to turn you on. The one that always inevitably ended with your fingers buried inside her.

You narrowed your eyes, pointedly turning away from her. Melissa was right there and an awful idea entered your head. An idea so bad you knew it was terrible even before your impulse control left your body and you knew you’d be paying for it for years to come. You tightened your arms around her next, pulling her down until she was a hairbreadths away from you.

“Please don’t kill me,” you whispered.

You didn’t give her a chance to respond before your lips were pressed to hers. She was frozen beneath yours for a long drawn out moment. When she began to kiss you back you had to do your best not to read too much into it or enjoy it too much. Her tongue swept over your bottom lip. You gasped into her mouth, her tongue licking in. Your head was growing dizzy and she was everywhere and everything. Her hands on your body, that leg still between yours, the thrumming of heat in your veins making your thoughts scatter until there was nothing but her.

You could taste her, the beer she’d been drinking lingering. You moaned into her mouth, the entire attempt to not enjoy the kiss fleeing. She kissed you harder, hands squeezing. Your hips were pressing down on her thigh, grinding in time with the music again as she turned your body to jelly. You wanted to melt against her and to writhe beneath her and scream her name as you came over and over again.

“Get a room.”

You jumped, lips pulling away from hers. Carrie was glaring at the two of you, bright spots on her cheeks. It was like a bucket of cold water was dumped over you, reminding you of exactly what was going on. You looked back to Melissa, feeling stricken. The way she was looking at you was something you never wanted to see.

“I’m so sorry.”

You pulled out of her hold, darting away through the crowd. You couldn’t face her, not after that. She had not signed up for you mauling her on the dance floor. She’d never speak to you again. You’d ruined any chance of anything ever happening. Just remembering the look on her face, the way she looked at you, made you want to throw up.

Pushing out of the door onto the street, cold air hit your body. You gasped for breath, stumbling down the street, doing your best not to cry. You had to get home. You had to never show your face again. You had to figure out a way to avoid Melissa for the rest of your life.

There was no plan, your feet just carrying you as far from the club as you could get. You heard someone shout your name. You quickened your pace, curling your arms around your body, trying to keep your ribs from exploding.

A warm hand grasped your shoulder as you were passing a familiar car. It spun you, forcing you stare into thunderous green eyes. You tried to pull away but Melissa’s hold on you only tightened. Tears sprung up into your eyes and you looked away from her.

“What the fuck?” she demanded.

“I’m so sorry,” you said, “really. I… I don’t even know what came over me. I just… I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, so you keep saying.” She still wasn’t letting go of you, “why’d ya run?”

“Because…” You couldn’t even look at her.

“Because what? Was I that bad at kissing? I know I’m not your first choice but you didn’t have to run outta there like I was something you found living in your drain,” she said.

“What?” She wasn’t making any sense.

“If you were that disgusted by me you coulda asked someone else to help you,” she said and for the first time you could hear the hurt in her voice.

Maybe that expression hadn’t been disgust like you’d thought.

“I ran because I thought you didn’t like it. Or were mad at me. Or were going to hate me,” you said, “I thought… fuck Mel, I thought you hated kissing me.”

She was looking at you like you’d lost your damned mind.

“Why would you think that?” she asked.

“Because of the way you were looking at me. And I know you don’t like me like that and you’re you so I know that you want to keep people you work with at a certain distance. And you wouldn’t want me kissing you since I didn’t even ask and you don’t want me kissing you,” you blurted out.

“Whaddaya talking about?”

You sighed, knowing you were going to have to admit to things you hadn’t wanted to if only to make her think you didn’t hate her. She might hate you even more once you did though.

“Melissa…” She was so going to hate you, “I like you. I really like you. So much that some days you’re all I can think about. And I’ve thought about kissing you so many times before and whenever I imagined it, you always wanted it too. Tonight’s just been kind of a lot, knowing you were doing everything just as a favour and not because…. Not because you wanted to.”

“Hon,” she began to say.

“It’s fine,” you cut her off, “it’s fine, Mel. You don’t feel the same. It’s okay.”

“You gonna let me talk?” she demanded, finally letting you go.

You gestured for her to continue, heart constricting, not wanting to hear the rejection you knew was coming. But, like a love sick fool, you couldn’t say no to her.

“I wouldn’t have said yes to this if I didn’t like you,” she said and then stopped. You waited but it seemed as if that was the end of what she wanted to say.

“I don’t understand,” you said, shaking your head.

Her hands landed on your hips, pushing you until your back hit her car. Your eyes widened, mouth falling open. Her eyes turned down to them, before looking into yours.

“I like you, hon. I’ve thought about kissing you. I’ve thought about doing a whole lot more than kissing too. I thought you were the one who didn’t want me,” she said.

“Why would you think that?” You didn’t know what to think.

“You heard what that… what she said. I’m old enough to be your mom. Why would you want me,” she said.

“Because you’re hot as fuck,” you said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “and my favourite person. I’d take you over everyone.”

She never gave you the chance to say more, lips claiming yours in a searing kiss. She pressed you back against the car, your own hands coming up to cup her cheeks, wanting her closer. She moaned into your mouth, tongue finding yours until you were melting against her. You whimpered and she groaned, drawing back from you.

“Time I took you home, sweetheart,” she said, lips trailing down your neck.

“Don’t wanna go home,” you sighed, fingers sliding into her hair.

“Not your home,” she all but growled, “mine.”

Someone wolf-whistled from across the street. You startled, jerking away from her. She shouted something back at the man, words lost in your haze as you stared up at her unable to believe what was happening. She turned back to you.

“Get in the car,” she said.

You opened the door, feeling her hand smack your ass before you could climb in. You glanced over your shoulder at her, finding her eyes travelling over your body, the exact way they had when you’d opened the door to her. A flush of heat went through you, understanding making the whole thing so much more heightened.

You tugged her into another kiss, short and intense, watching the way she seemed to become dazed when you pulled back.

“You better get me home,” you told her, “because I plan on showing you exactly how hot I find you. And showing you how thankful I am for you helping me.”

“She was wrong you know,” she said, hand coming up to cup your cheek, thumb running along your bottom lip.

“What?” you asked.

“There is no one better than you. And you’re worth about a million of her,” she said, “way too good for her.”

You felt your heart melting. She tucked some of your hair behind your ear, fingertips lingering on your jaw.

“She doesn’t even compare.”

The next kiss you pressed to her lips was soft, the kind that was heartfelt and sweet, almost sickeningly so.

“Okay, get in. I’m taking you home now or I’m gonna have to fuck you against my car and that guy over there is still watching us like we’re free porn,” she whispered in your ear, making you press your thighs together, “and I’m want you all to myself.”

You slid into her car, smiling sweetly at her. The heated look you got in return only made you sure you had made the right decision by asking her to help you.

The next morning, waking to her lips trailing down your body, you thought you should send a thank you note to your ex. Without her, you might never have ended up telling Melissa how you felt. And then you might never have won the most amazing woman you’d ever met. She deserved at least a thank you note for making you the happiest person alive.

[middlenamesage]

Black Moon Lilith and Lilith the Character Archetype: My Reflections Coming out of Black Moon Lilith Conjunct the North Node

Following the astrological transits, both the collective and my personal, I have for a while noticed that when Black Moon Lilith is at play, it’s really hard for this to go unnoticed in my life. I always could sense this energy, I knew what it felt like, but used to find it hard to describe, or at least to dissect enough to understand with any valuable meaning.

Physically speaking, the astronomical point known in astrology as Black Moon Lilith is the point along the Moon’s orbit that is farthest from Earth (the lunar apogee), a point that changes position in the zodiac along with the changing orbit of the moon. To me it makes sense this point can be so potentially relevant to us, as all living beings are very much guided by the Moon, who keeps us in connection with each other. Out where the Black Moon is, in this metaphorical place of exile, it’s more of an “every man (or woman!) for himself!” vibe. Lilith is very much about the instinct of self preservation. It’s about resisting control or exploitation by others (and/or internalizing its effects). Often the two occur together as two faces of the same trauma. Black Moon Lilith represents the areas where life has taught us that we absolutely must advocate for ourselves. However, she can also bring shame and denial of wants wherever she is placed, or transiting, because this is something that generally develops where we have been told or shown we can’t have something.

Black Moon Lilith is in fact named for Lilith in the old testament/Jewish folklore, and the way we have come to make sense of its effects (rather, its correlations to our lives) is in considerable measure inspired by this character, and her archetype- who has many interpretations. Lilith was Adam’s first wife, before Eve, who left his ass! She refused to lie beneath him during sex, saying they were created equal. I think we can interpret this metaphorically, of course, as resistance to being controlled in many potential terms… but also literally, as there is a focus of unconstrained sexuality concerning Lilith, which I have observed has some definite relevance to the Black Moon too, but is far from the only or even the most important way to understand it.

Various legends say that after fleeing Eden, Lilith went on to become a she-demon/succubus/baby kidnapper/baby killer/so on….. (those are just the accusations I’m recalling off the top of my head). But over these many years, Lilith has picked up many other story lines, provided inspiration for phenomena such as Black Moon Lilith, and gained many evolving faces and interpretations. Other than being a religious figure, and/or a she-demon, some of her contemporary associations include witchcraft/dark magic, creative renditions in fantasy and horror, gothic culture, and the biggest switch of all, her status as the first feminist.

As a potent force from the most distant shadows of the Moon’s reach, where connection to one another is compromised and we must turn to ourselves to defend our basic natures, I’ve found that Black Moon Lilith can have both positive correlations- such as going one’s own way where it truly benefits one’s life, putting one’s foot down to mistreatment, and stepping into one’s personal power- and negative correlations such as pushing away and/or disregarding other people, general concern with defending one’s own initiatives, to the point where it is premature or anti-productive, and the shame, denial and/or rage that many have developed from being disallowed their power by others.

How we express Black Moon Lilith can be instigating healthy boundaries on one hand, and setting up unnecessary walls of defense on the other. It can be self respect on one hand, and self obsession/failure to consider others, on the other. It can be self protection on one hand, and self sabotage on the other. It can be shame and denial over who we really are/what we really want on one hand, and it can be where we liberate ourselves from shame on the other. Very often, it seems to dole out as a complicated mix of both the “bad” and the “good”.

It used to be that reflecting on my own experiences, despite my fascination with it, there was very little “good” I saw about the Black Moon’s correlations in my life. I came to associate the energy of Black Moon Lilith with a few of my “trauma responses” that have caused me to sabotage relationships. I felt she had helped me stand up for myself/walk away from people a few times when I actually needed to, but for the most part, she seemed to just make me quick to unconsciously wreck budding relationships, reject others, put up lots of walls, or not want to cooperate/compromise with others- even though this was also betraying my own desires deep down to be close with others. My natal Lilith is in Libra in my 7th house, so the relational element of her is especially relevant.

I think that this Black Moon wound of mine in the realm of partnerships has several big origins/perpetuators I can site, but one of the first and biggest that I can consciously analyze, is having internalized the messages I was told by a parent growing up (not necessarily said in as blunt of terms as I received them) that no one would ever want to be with me because I am too difficult to live with. (I was also shown this when my parents sent me elsewhere to live.) Internalizing this message about myself stripped away my personal power when it comes to partnerships. For so long I approached all relationships assuming they were damned to end before they ever got too serious (something I still do struggle with), and I long believed, a belief that at some times was not as much conscious as it was confirmed with my deeply engrained unconscious behaviors of sabotage, that a ‘true’ and committed relationship is simply something I can’t have. This long internalized belief has given rise to many of my independent behaviors in relationships... both in destructive ways that compromise my connection with others and/or alienate them, and in positive senses that protect my individuality and self respect.

Here’s the thing. I was never wrong to see my trauma responses in the force of Black Moon Lilith. Black Moon Lilith and Lilith the archetype are in fact rooted in trauma. We mustn’t trivialize that part. The defense mechanisms, rage, shame, denial, sabotage, the desire to leave people and things behind, and the general mechanisms for self-preservation which can accompany Lilith stem from instances where we have felt held down, lead to believe we don’t have power, mistreated, and in some cases even horribly abused/violated. But the reality of Black Moon Lilith’s painful origins does not make it all a bad thing! It can be a very empowering thing potentially, because where we are hurt is also where we can find the avenues for healing, and for gaining acceptance of our most authentic self and desires. And there is a very good reason we develop many of these less than savory reactions from traumatic experiences and messaging. Lilith teaches us to recognize our boundaries, and to reclaim the personal power that once was lost! - even if at times we may run too far with these prerogatives in stubborn quests for independence and personal autonomy wherever she resides.

Though I have been fascinated by and intent to ponder Black Moon Lilith for probably over a year now, my reflections on it, and later on the character Lilith for which the lunar apogee is named, have really gained a lot of new ground during this last month+ of Black Moon Lilith’s conjunction to the North Node. (Which is currently separating, but still in effect.) The Lunar North Node is another very important point in relation to the Moon’s orbit, which shows the path forward. Black Moon Lilith with the North Node in Gemini has proven too be so ripe with many new experiences for me to learn about Lilith. It’s hard to say if anything has actually changed about my relationship with Lilith, or if I am just starting to see more of the positive in her that was always there, instead of just noticing and perpetuating the glaring negative. Also, I decided it was about time to accept Lilith as a part of who I am. I can’t deny the power the associated energies and the archetype has had on my life, so I might as well embrace it- both the good parts and the parts that are a work in progress. (And that is the story of my new little stud earrings with the Black Moon Lilith symbol!)

One aspect of my relationship with Lilith that I think actually has started to bloom forth in more of a clear-cut positive way with this Lilith-North Node transit, is finding the power to actively and productively embrace a part of myself, via finding/claiming opportunities to keep cultivating this part, even though it’s meant having to disregard my reservations, and even fighting through some shame. I can see now that there is a whole world of great personal empowerment to be tapped into with Lilith, and not just in the ability to leave people behind. (But of course leaving people behind is one means she’ll employ, if it is necessary for stepping into her power!)

I have always seen myself as a writer. It’s not even by choice, and a great deal of the time, for a very long time, I have really resented this natural compulsion of mine. You see, I have a deeply complicated relationship with writing, one that undoubtedly needs some healing. Well, this Black Moon Lilith/North Node conjunction in Gemini, moving through my 3rd house of communications (and as I only found out the other day, also conjunct my natal White Moon Selena, i.e. the lunar perigee/polarity to Black Moon Lilith) ended up bringing me my first opportunities ever getting paid to write… something I guess I just used to assume I couldn’t do, due to my lack of a college degree, as well as the difficult relationship with writing and my paralyzing perfectionism. But with this transit, I placed aside my assumptions of what wasn’t possible for me, and I have some hope now that accepting the opportunity to write for other people, on subjects that generally don’t even mean anything to myself, may just turn out to be the good dose of objectivity needed to help restore some healing to my writing relationship.

Once again, where you’ll find the wounds in your relationship with your personal power, is also where you’ll find how to heal them, and use them to empower yourself and others- and that healing is really what Black Moon Lilith conjunct the North Node has been trying to facilitate for us all. Of course, the process is basically never straightforward and easy, nor all enjoyable. This transit has brought a wide range of Lilith experiences in my life to comment upon.

Some other occurrences have been: abruptly ending an extended off and on relationship with someone where there was always a good deal of power struggle (and would have been power imbalance if I had not stood my ground in a lot of instances), unconsciously driving away or creating distance with a few friends, being consciously and stubbornly persistent in putting more distance between myself and my family than ever before, and facing a couple situations providing awkward trial and error experiments in how I communicate my dissatisfaction to others who wronged me. But I know that all of these experiences are helping me to evolve, and to better understand my responses which stem from wounds that have set into me with the nature of Black Moon Lilith.

And I marvel at the fact that millions of other humans have also been going through experiences which are forcing them to confront and/or evolve their own instincts and behaviors associated with the Black Moon, whether they realize it or not.

Lilith says, “These are my boundaries[or conditions]. You will respect them, or I am outta here.” She says, ‘I know what I am capable of, so I’m gonna fight for it- even if I have to shut out other people.” The placement of our natal Black Moon Lilith shows a prominent area where power has been stolen from us, whether through physical or psychological means (and where the Black Moon is transiting can bring up these issues in other areas, as well). Lilith develops from a wound, and her determination to not feel the powerlessness again can serve as either the healing or the perpetuation of it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

P.S.

For any astro heads reading this with this knowledge of their birth chart, I welcome you to comment or reflect on where 5° Gemini falls in your chart. This is where the (currently separating) conjunction of Black Moon Lilith and the North Node occurred, so the house in your natal chart where it’s transiting, and any natal placements that may be in aspect to this point, especially conjunctions and oppositions, may be able to show where/how you have embodied or encountered Black Moon Lilith energy in recent times.

NOTE :

If anyone is wondering which “Lilith” in astrology I have been referring to, since it is a fairly infamous fact that there are actually 4 things bearing this name in astrology… I have for the most part only followed the mean calculation of Black Moon Lilith (and with Black Moon Lilith’s conjunction to the North Node, mean Lilith is what I’m referring to).

There is also Osculating Black Moon Lilith (aka True Lilith), which is a different calculation of the same concept I have discussed with Black Moon Lilith. A calculation that is actually technically more precise about the moon’s orbit, for the moment that it is taken, as the lunar apogee technically jumps around a little bit a whole lot… yet I have personally found Mean Lilith to be more worth following, especially when following collective transits, if trying to examine the effects of something lingering over an extended period of time, or if conceptualizing Black Moon Lilith’s cycles throughout the entire zodiac. I don’t doubt that the calculation of osculating Black Moon Lilith (which often is not too far from the mean calculation) has a lot of validity to it too though, perhaps especially for natal chart interpretations, and progressions.

As for the other two Liliths, there is the asteroid Lilith- but that is named for a French composer, not the Lilith archetype as we know her. Not saying it isn’t something worth looking into, it just hasn’t been a point of focus for me. And lastly, there is Dark Moon Lilith (aka Waldemath Moon), which is said to be a dark body of unknown origin revolving around the Earth- but there is a lot of debate as to whether it actually exists. I don’t have an opinion one way or another, and I haven’t followed it in transits. However, its placement in my natal chart, with an opposition to Black Moon Lilith for one, does peak my interest.

[youcancallmecirce]

Haste & Leisure Update!

It’s only been 18 months, guys.  You remember it, right?  Read this chapter on AO3.  Read it from the beginning.

Chapter 6: Discoveries

Marinette led Théo to the door of her parents’ bakery, and smiled at him over her shoulder as she pushed it open.  “I don’t care what you say,” she said. “No New York bake shop could possibly have pastries as good as ours!”

“It’s owned by a couple of Parisian expatriots!” Théo argued, laughing.  

“So?” she shot back, still watching Theo as she held the door open.  “They probably left Paris because they couldn’t compete with my Papa.”  His hand joined hers on the glass door, and she turned to continue into the store.  She stopped dead when she saw the two men who had just turned away from her mother. She blinked.  “Adrien?”

“Marinette!” he said, grinning.  Then his eyes flicked behind her, and his smile faded.  Adrien looked pained and Felix looked downright hostile, his eyes also locked somewhere behind her and his expression frigid.

An awkward moment stretched, and Adrien cleared his throat awkwardly.  “It’s good to see you, Marinette, but we’ll have to catch up later.” Then he brushed by her without another word.  Felix stalked after him.

Marinette frowned.  It was pretty normal for Felix to be rude, but Adrien had always been perfectly polite.  “That was weird,” she said, glancing at Théo. He looked as uncomfortable as Adrien had.  “Do you know them?”

His lips thinned.  “Yeah.”

“It sounds like there’s a story there.”

“There is.”  He sighed and seemed to shake himself, then smiled.  “But I’m not one to go talking shit about someone behind his back.  Besides, I believe I owe you some coffee.”

“You do,” Marinette said.  She was dying to know how Théo could possibly know Adrien and Felix, or what could have happened between them, but she wasn’t going to pry.  “And I won’t be happy until you concede that these are the best pastries you’ve ever had.”

His smile widened to a grin. “We’ll see.”

She led him to the counter and introduced him to her mother.  They chatted for a bit as When Sabine tried to give them their drinks on the house, Marinette interrupted her.

“Oh no, Maman!” She cut in, laughing.  “He fibbed to me! You can’t let him off the hook!”

Théo gasped theatrically, grasping his chest as if mortally wounded.  “You would tell on me,” he cried, “to your mother ?”

“Of course she would,” Sabine answered, laughing.  “No daughter of mine would let a man lie to her and get away with it!”

Théo choked, his eyes wide, and Marinette laughed too.  “Relax Theo,” she said, patting his arm. “It was just a little white lie, and you’ve already offered the coffee to make amends.”  

“You women are merciless,” he muttered good naturedly as he handed over the cash.

After refusing his change, he led Marinette to a table in the corner.  It was a comfortable nook, where they could enjoy their refreshments, talk without interruption, and still see the goings on in the store if they wanted to.  

Marinette enjoyed their conversation immensely.  He’d charmed her on the walk to the bakery, and he continued to do so now.  He was animated when speaking, conveying everything with a touch of humor, and actually listened to her when she spoke rather than thinking about what he would say next. It was refreshing, and Marinette found herself liking him more and more.  

She’d forgotten all about Felix and Adrien until Théo brought them up again.

“Have you known them long?” he asked lightly, fingering the narrow wooden stir stick from his coffee.

“Only a few weeks,” she said.  “We met them right after they arrived in Paris.  What about you?”

“Years,” he said.  He blew out a deep breath and put the stick in his mouth, like a lollipop.  “My father was the CFO for Agreste Industries, and a good friend of Gabriel’s.  Our families spent a lot of time together when we were younger.”

Marinette sat back in her seat and stared at Théo in amazement.  “You were friends with Felix?”

“We were like brothers,” he said sadly.

“What happened?” she asked, already angry with Felix for throwing away such a good friend.  “What did he do?”

Theo laughed softly.  “I guess he hasn’t changed much.”

“Apparently not.”

“Hmm.”  Theo took the stick from his mouth and fiddled with it, his elbows on the table and his eyes on his hands.  “I did my first three years at FIT--”

“The Fashion Institute of Technology?” Marinette asked, surprised.

He nodded.  “It was great.  I loved it there, and I worked a lot with Gabriel.  He was basically my mentor, you know?” he glanced up to meet her eyes and Marinette nodded.  

“And Felix?” she prompted.

He shrugged.  “They don’t exactly have a close relationship.  Felix worked on the admin side of the company, but not with fashion or design, and it disappointed Gabriel.  They’ve been at odds ever since Felix insisted on studying business rather than fashion, and I think he was jealous of the time Gabriel spent with me.”

It made sense.  Felix was certainly arrogant enough to destroy a long-standing friendship over jealousy and bruised pride.  What she didn’t understand was why Theo would leave such a promising situation in New York to study abroad--especially in the same city as Felix-- and she said as much.

Théo scoffed bitterly, replacing the stick in his mouth.  “I left because I have no future in New York. Not anymore.  Felix sabotaged my position at Agreste, and got me kicked out of FIT.”

“Are you serious?” she asked, incredulous.  She knew that Felix was a cold-hearted prick, but this was worse than she’d expected even from him.  

He nodded, his eyes steady on hers.  “I had no idea that he was even leaving New York, much less that he was coming here.” He laughed humorlessly, and with more than a little self-deprecation.  “Of all the cities I could have chosen, why did I have to pick his hometown?”

Poor guy.  Marinette put her hand over his and squeezed.  “It’s a big city. I won’t be able to avoid him entirely, since my sister seems to be in love with his best friend, but hopefully you’ll never have to see him again.”

Felix sat rigid and silent in the car, and Adrien knew him well enough not to try to talk to him.  His friend just kept eyeing him worriedly, while trying not to look like he was eyeing him worriedly.  

It was almost as irritating as conversation would have been.

Almost.

Felix knew that if he opened his mouth, he’d not be able to contain the fury churning in his gut.  He would lose control, and Felix Agreste never lost control.  

Ever.

So he sat in stony silence, ignoring Adrien as he pretended to ignore him, and fumed within the safety of his own head.

That fucking worm had followed him to Paris.

There was no other explanation.  Perhaps for revenge? True, Felix had made sure that the doors at Agreste would be forever closed to Théo Barbot, but he hadn’t ruined him with the fashion community at large.  All anyone knew was that there had been a falling out between them; the man could probably have gotten into another fashion house on gossip alone.  As unlikely as it seemed, Felix could think of no other reason for Barbot to have come to Paris.

Felix snorted at his own arrogance.  Whatever his reasons, they didn’t concern him.  He and his family were done with Théo Barbot. Running into him had sucked, but merely seeing the man should only have stoked his simmering resentment.  

It should not have catapulted him into a white hot rage. Even seeing him with her had not made him truly angry; it had made him jealous.

And there it was.  The crux of it all, the real reason for his fury.  He was jealous of Barbot. Again .

He headed straight for the library when they got home.  He’d intended to spend the balance of the afternoon with his nose buried in a book but Adrien shadowed him all the way to his sanctuary.  Felix ignored him. His book was on the side table where he’d left it, and he scooped it up as he sank gratefully into the overstuffed chair he’d claimed as his.

Adrien dropped himself into the chair opposite and propped his feet on the ottoman, his fingers laced together over his chest.  Felix tried to ignore him, but he could feel Adrien’s eyes on the top of his head.

So much for  Adrien knowing well enough to leave him alone.  “Don’t you have something to do?” he asked in clear irritation, turning a page.  

Adrien ignored the rude question. “Are you going to tell her about him?” he asked instead.

“No,” he said sharply.  “It’s no concern of mine, who she chooses to spend her time with.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that it was, but it can’t hurt to warn her.”  The hint of a smirk in his tone set Felix’s teeth on edge.

“Speak for yourself, Adrien,” he snapped.  “You’ve never been treated to the sharp side of her tongue.”

“You wish you could be treated to her tongue,” he quipped, the smirk now clearly evident.

Felix glared at him.  “I want nothing to do with that ass, up to and including interfering with mutual acquaintances.”  

“If you say so,” Adrien said doubtfully, his mouth still curled in a half smile.  “I think you’re just afraid of appearing jealous.”  

He had no answer to that, so Felix went back to staring at his book.

“We should have a party,” Adrien said, abruptly changing the subject.  

Felix looked up in surprise.  “What?”

“A party.”  Adrien rolled his eyes.  “You know, food, drinks, music, people.  A party. This would be a great venue. Maybe we could partner with the University to do a sponsored event here.”

“Are you insane?”

“It would be good for you, I think.  Push you out of your comfort zone, maybe help you make some friends.”

“Oh, I see.”  Felix went back to his book.  “This is about Bridgette.”

“And Marinette,” Adrien added.  “I know that you like her, so don’t bother denying it.”

Felix went on as if Adrien hadn’t spoken. “Just ask her out, Adrien.  There’s no need to torture me any more than you already have.”

“She’ll say no.”  

“Then don’t ask her out.”

“But I want to see her again.”

He gave up on reading and closed his book with a sigh. “Adrien--”

Adrien moved suddenly, pulling his feet down from the ottoman and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.“She treats me like a person, Fe,” he said earnestly.  Not like a piece of meat, not like a stepping stone or a conquest. She sees me.” Adrien frowned and lowered his eyes, as if embarrassed by what he’d revealed. “I really like her,” he went on softly.  “I don’t want to mess this up by rushing in and acting like a creep.  Please?”

Felix glared at him.  Adrien knew perfectly well that if it was important to him, Felix would back him up.  Even if he hated every minute of it. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” he muttered at last, giving in.

Adrien whooped and leapt out of his chair.  Adrien never could sit still when he was excited, and Felix could see that he was already turning ideas over in his mind.  “Classes start in a week. Maybe we can schedule it for the following weekend? Two weeks is enough time to plan, right?”

“I can’t believe I agreed to this.” Felix dropped his head against the back of the seat.  

“It should be plenty of time, especially if you let me borrow Nathalie.”  He stopped in his pacing and looked at Felix. “You’ll let me borrow Nathalie, right?”

“Why can’t you just invite them over to watch another movie?”

He shook his head and turned to leave. “Nevermind,” he said over his shoulder. “I’ll just go ask her myself.”

Felix leaned forward to yell at his retreating back.  “You’re welcome, asshole!” He sighed again, and went back to his book.  “Alone at last,” he muttered into the pages.  

It didn’t feel nearly as good as he thought it would.

Marinette didn’t return to the Student Union when Théo left.  She needed the time alone to process her thoughts. She had a design that had been giving her fits, and this was the perfect time to wrestle with it.  She did her best thinking when she was drawing, and did her best drawing when she was distracted.

The thing that confused her the most, she thought, was the friendship between Felix and Adrien.  She did not understand how such an honest, big-hearted person could be friends with a vicious snake.  The only possible explanation was that Felix had somehow hidden his true character from Adrien, and deceived him about Théo.  

The very thought of it made her furious, and it showed in her pencil strokes.  The dark harsh lines spread quickly over the page until her lead tore through her paper and broke.  She blinked at it, and suddenly became aware of what she’d drawn.

Felix’s face stared back at her from the page, his angular features drawn down in the frozen scowl he’d worn that afternoon in the bakery.

She slammed it closed and tossed it to the side with a growled epithet.

“Marinette?”

Marinette jumped  and spun her chair around to face the door.  Bridgette had climbed halfway into their room and stopped to stare She offered her a weak smile.  “Did you...have a good time?”  

“Not really.”  She came the rest of the way into the room and settled on the chaise, her knees drawn up to her chin.  “I actually intended to yell at you for abandoning me with Max, but I’m thinking now that maybe you had a good reason for it?”

“Not at first,” Marinette admitted.  “I let a handsome man distract me, and brought him back here to buy me coffee.”

“Oh?” Bridgette’s eyebrows rose with interest.  “Do tell.”

Bridgette’s eyes sparkled as she listened.  “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him!” she said.  “But that doesn’t explain why you’re so upset?”

“Something weird happened when we got here.”  She frowned, unsure how much to tell Bridgette.  “Felix and Adrien were on their way out just as we came in, which would have been fine, except that the three of them obviously know and dislike one another.  Even Adrien was rude to him.”

Bridgette blinked.  “Really?”

“Yeah.  It was strange.  Théo brushed it off at first, but it came up again later.”  Marinette relayed what Théo had told her, and got angry all over again.  “Can you believe him?” She asked hotly. “I mean, I knew he was an ass but this is ridiculous!”

“I don’t know,” Bridgette answered slowly, lowering her legs until they were crossed in front of her, yoga style.  “I mean, are you sure?”

Marinette’s frown deepened.  “Sure about what?”

“It just--it doesn’t make sense.  We have to be missing something.”

“You’re not suggesting that Théo was lying?” She rose from her chair and began to pace the room.  “You didn’t see his face, Bri. No one could feign that kind of pain.”

“Then there must have been some kind of understanding.  Maybe we could ask Adrien--”

“No, if Felix is innocent he can defend himself.”

Bridgette took in Marinette’s crossed arms and mutinous look with alarm.  “You’re not going to confront him, are you?”

“I probably ought to, but no.”  Marinette sat down next to her sister with a sigh.  “I just want to avoid him. He’s not worth my time.”

Her sister smiled sadly.  “So I guess my secret hopes for double dates are doomed to die?”

Marinette scoffed, and smiled wryly.  “I’m surprised you found a reason to give them life in the first place.”

She nibbled at her lower lip, clearly bothered by something.  “Marinette,” she began cautiously, “whatever happened with Théo, you don’t think that Adrien was a part of it, do you?”

“No, of course not!” she said firmly.  “I think that he’s just too sweet to see the nastiness in Felix, especially if Felix was deliberately deceitful.”

“I really like him, Marinette.”  She blushed as she said it, but went on doggedly.  “I really, really like him.   I want to see where this could go, but I don’t want to alienate you.”

Marinette realized suddenly what Bridgette was getting at, and wrapped her in a hug.  “I just want you to be happy, Bri. If that means tolerating your boyfriend’s asshole bestie then I’ll find a way to tolerate him.”  She pulled back to grin at her sister. “I can’t promise that I’ll do it gracefully, though. I think that might be a bridge too far.”

Bridgette laughed, just as Marinette had intended her to. “He’s not my boyfriend, Nettie.”

Marinette lifted an eyebrow skeptically, and they both dissolved into giggling speculation.

[metawitches]

In episode 9, the “C” pill brings the subjects to confront the core of their fears. If Owen becomes the sweet, unguarded, lovable person that he was meant to be, but that person is a huge screw up, will he be worthy of protection and love? Porter was willing to sacrifice Owen in order to save Jed, but Owen now understands that there’s nothing he can do to inspire that kind of loyalty from his family. Nor should he aspire to. But can he inspire it in someone? Can he matter to someone, even if he’s a failure?

Annie needs to say goodbye to Ellie, but what’s really holding her back is her fear that she’ll never find anyone else, or, even if she does, she’ll lose them, too. Can she put aside her fear, anger and self-loathing, and use her strength, boldness and courage to trust, protect and love someone again? Can she believe in herself enough to be the hero who saves someone?

We’re about to go all super-spy to find out. Owen is Snorri Agnarsson, a blonde Icelandic diplomat who discovered and befriended a blue alien named Ernie. Ernie was sent to help mankind, and had made some progress. Snorri was scheduled to introduce him to the world, when Snorri’s careless mistake with a vodka gimlet killed Ernie. Now the world debates how to punish Snorri and to defend against Ernie’s people. Annie appears as a stone cold assassin, sent by the US government to save Snorri and awaken him to his true identity and purpose.

Owen and vodka gimlets just shouldn’t mix.

Owen Snorri sits in an office with Grimsson, drinking shots, as Grimsson tells Snorri to be careful what he says. Snorri admits that he’s guilty of killing someone, but Grimsson says that the way they frame the death will determine not just Snorri’s fate, but the fate of the world.

The scene switches to NATO headquarters in Brussells, Belgium, where a hearing is being held to determine what to do about Snorri and the death he’s caused. Snorri admits his guilt and reads a small prepared statement. He wishes to be sent into space so that the family of Ernie, the deceased, can punish him as they see fit.

The US representative agrees that Snorri should be symbolically sacrificed to the aliens. Russia thinks Earth should kill Snorri ourselves. Grimsson argues that Snorri doesn’t deserve to die, since he also discovered Ernie. Snorri says that he feels like he’s lost a member of his own family. Before he’s executed, he wants to provide Ernie’s family with an explanation of how Ernie died. The council agrees.

A reel-to-reel tape recorder starts recording. Snorri tells his story, after a couple of false starts. We learn that his parents were afraid of him and his mother was an Austrian-Finnish-Swede, while his father was Dutch-Italian-Icelandic, which is why he has a unique accent.

Anyway, Ernie’s story: Snorri found him while on a birding expedition. He was 2 ft tall and humanoid. He had a blue exoskeleton with orange decorations. Ernie was wounded, so Snorri nursed him back to health, then notified Admiral Grimsson, another birder. They wanted to find a way to introduce Ernie to the world without starting a war. Ernie said that his species would eliminate every problem humanity has ever faced.

Snorri loses his train of thought for a moment, because he notices Annie, in a bright red suit, sitting in the audience.

The US rep asks if Snorri believed Ernie. Of course Snorri did. Ernie cured Grimsson’s daughter’s cancer and he taught Banner about arborization, a form of time and space travel.

Let’s take a brief pause and examine the elements so far. Owen/Snorri is on trial the way Jed will be on trial soon in the real world, but Snorri admits he’s guilty without considering lying. Grimsson/Jed is there to support him and protect him. Snorri and Ernie saved one of Jed/Grimsson’s daughter’s, something that would surely get someone to love you, right? Ernie was about the size of a hawk, found while looking for birds, and has birdlike coloring.

Snorri takes responsibility for accidentally bringing on Ernie’s death. Ernie is representative of every good thing in life that Jed has taken away from Owen. But Ernie is also too good to be true, which Owen, as Ollie, has already told us he recognizes as the beginning of a mistake. He may have subconsciously killed Ernie on purpose, knowing deep down that something was wrong, but not being able to consciously face it.

Back to the story. The Russians hadn’t been told of the time travel method yet, and aren’t happy to be excluded. They’re assured they’ll get the info. Snorri was to introduce Ernie to the world tomorrow, so tonight they were having a party to celebrate. There was music and dancing. Snorri was drinking a gimlet while Grimsson danced. He’s an accomplished dancer. (Billy Magnussen is one of those ridiculously talented people who can do anything.)

Ernie was going to give a speech. Snorri adjusts the microphone, setting his gimlet on the amp. Someone jostles the amp, spilling the gimlet and causing a short. Everyone cheers as Ernie approaches the mic. When Ernie touches the mic, he’s not just electrocuted, he explodes.

Blue goo flies everywhere, Snorri screams in despair, the Russians declare it a conspiracy.

  The McMurphy Twins are Grimsson’s daughters.

The room shakes. They receive a message that a ship has moved past the moon and focussed a large heatray on the earth. Ernie’s people have arrived seeking revenge. It’s the end of the world, and it’s Snorri’s fault. He’s apologizes to each country individually before he’s dragged from the room.

Back in the lab, all of the readings look fine. James and Azumi don’t want to believe what Greta is telling them about Gertie’s state of mind. They want to believe she’s wrong.

Greta insists she’s right. She’s an expert on understanding minds and has always had a gift for it. Gertie is suffering from pathological bereavement and cycling through delusional emotions. She’s spiraling, and her toddler emotions are all over the place.

Greta left because Gertie started talking about keeping the subjects prisoner, toying with them, and hurting them. When Greta told her that wasn’t okay, Gertie threw her out Greta out the window. Greta woke up when she hit the sidewalk.

Azumi says that she just went through another diagnostic, and shows James the readings. He tells his mother that everything’s fine, and Gertie’s not collecting McMurphys, implying that she’s overreacting. Azumi says that Gertie is completely normal. Greta replies that it’s “the people who appear normal who are feeling the most primal terror. And what’s yours, Suzuki?”

James orders Greta to leave Azumi alone. Azumi asks what Greta’s getting at. Greta says, “Just because she’s your offspring doesn’t make it any less true. Stop covering for her. Take a look at your blindspot and do what’s right.”

BLINDSPOTS!!

Azumi: “What is at stake is too important.”

Greta: “You think those pills are gonna fix you one day, don’t you?”

Azumi: “The GRTA is not my offspring. She is a system I designed, Far more elegant and effective than any of your dime store theories of bliss.  [To James] You were right. I was foolish to let her come here. I wouldn’t trust a word this woman says. She’s trying to sabotage this trial because she’s jealous. She’s jealous of Gertie because she’ll help more people than she ever has, she’s jealous of you because you’ll be responsible for it, and she’s jealous of me, because I have you.”

Gertie lays a huge kiss on James and walks to the door.

Greta: “What a ridiculous speech.”

Azumi: “Throw her out, James.”

So, Azumi just passed her test and came into her own. She’s wrong about Gertie, but she stood up to someone she respects, said what she really thought, and was physically demonstrative in front of James’ mother. That’s all huge for her.

However, she’s also letting her ambition drive her to ignore what she knows is right. She’s invested everything in developing the ULP as a product, even given up her relationship with James for it.

Greta continues to argue that Gertie needs to be shut down. James tells her to calm down, and admits that he can’t shut Gertie down, because if he does, the whole project will be lost. He and Azumi would lose their life’s work.

James: “While I’m sure nothing would make you happier than to see my progress completely eradicated, Mother, I must say, this is a little selfish and a bit much, even for you.”

I’m not sure how trying to save his subjects from his misfiring computer makes Greta the selfish one. There’s some defense mechanisms on display here.

Greta: “Why the mind, Jamie? Why the mind? Of all the professions you could have picked, why choose the one that I’m in?

James: I am a neurochemist. I am a medical doctor.

That’s right. He not only went into her profession, he made sure to outcompete her in the realm of respect worthy educational titles in the land of the white male hierarchy. Lord knows, the more STEM your title is, the more valuable you clearly are as a person.

It’s not that Greta couldn’t do that work. Azumi idolized her academic work. Greta rejected the ivory tower and the fishbowl basement in favor of working directly with people.

Greta: “You’re not a very good medical doctor. You’re forgetting the Hippocratic Oath, if you ever knew it. ‘First do no harm.’ You’re not protecting those people in there.”

James: “Stop diminishing me!”

Greta: “Why won’t you believe me? You called me, you asked me to come and help you. Why won’t you ever listen to your mother?”

James: “Because you are an awful mother. Because you left me alone. And you drove my father away. And you slept in my bed way too much and you said things that should never be said to a child. And on the happiest day of my life, the day I was handed this lab, the only thing that you could think to say to me was that my happiness was all just an ill…illusion…I can’t…I can’t see.”

Greta: “Can’t see what?”

James: “I can’t see.”

Greta: “Well, I made it perfectly clear.”

James: “I’ve gone blind!”

  Obviously these two are a mess. Greta applies psychology to their relationship way too much, and not enough human kindness and empathy. James comes by that honestly. But James blames her for everything, ever, that’s gone wrong in his life. He’s even created a fantasy father who wanted to stay with him, but couldn’t, because Mommy was so evil.

And when he did listen to what his mother was saying, and heard how ridiculous his complaints about her sounded coming out of the mouth of a 40 year old man, he went blind rather than admit he could see the truth. She wasn’t a great mother. But she was an adequate mother who raised him in a decent environment and gave him a good education. She didn’t purposely abuse or manipulate him, she was just dealing with her own issues.

As an adult, you ought to be able to accept that your parents are just frail, flawed human beings and move on. And despite his treatment of her, she still comes when he calls. She’s still trying. Whereas he’s spent 7 years creating shortcuts to mental health, making up excuses, and wallowing in the symptoms of his mental illness.

James fumbles around the room while Greta tries to get him to calm down, explaining that this is a psychosomatic condition and offering to hug him. He refuses the hug and doesn’t believe in psychosomatic conditions. Of course he doesn’t. He wants Azumi. Greta hugs him anyway, while James screams that she’s turned him into a monster.

This is Greta and James’ real issue. She doesn’t know when to back off. She’d love to still be fixing all of his problems. She should be getting Azumi, not forcing hugs on James.

Gertie sees her opening, and turns the Leisure Time signs on the monitors into End Time signs with dead bodies and mushroom clouds. Carl observes that it only took James 2 days to blow the place up.

Snorri is handcuffed to a chair in an office. He’s preparing to kill himself using a screwdriver when Annie comes in and tells him that she’s a CIA operative sent there to rescue him. It seems that Ernie was actually a representative from an evil race of aliens who were going to “filet and sell humankind as exotic meats across the galaxy.” Ernie passed the codes on to Banner before he died.

Snorri refuses to believe that his dear, amazing, beautiful friend Ernie could do such a thing. “We would walk along the sand, and he would tell me secrets about the stars.” Secrets that were lies, Annie tells him.

And Snorri is an alien as well, whose consciousness was put into a human body. Snorri is a cover for the alien whose true purpose is to stop Ernie’s people from destroying Earth. Snorri just can’t remember yet. She puts cotton balls in his nostrils and removes his handcuffs. She’s there to wake him up.

She’s no idea who she really is because her memories were wiped when the CIA tortured her and turned her into a killing machine. Snorri realizes that they’re the same, because neither knows who they really are. Annie agrees, but says they have to get to the extra-galactic radio and unlock a portal for Snorri’s people.

Snorri stops her for a moment, because he can’t process all of this at once. She asks him what the word utangátta means. He says it means that something is amiss. She asks what it means to him personally. He says that every relationship he’s ever had has felt false and he’s been invisible and hidden from the world. Even though he’s smiling, Snorrie says it makes him very sad. His nose starts to bleed. That’s the sign that Annie was looking for, which shows his true personality breaking through.

They step out into the hall and are accosted by dozens of asassins, or inner demons, as the dragonfly told Annia. Annie shoots most of them, impressing Snorri, but Snorri racks up some kills, too.

They make it into an elevator and start to go to floor negative 65, but Snorri corrects Annie. Snorrie yells that Annie is an exciting, fun woman. There’s something about that little scene, from the time Snorri ducks, until the elevator moves, that feels like they used an ad libbed take, or one that would’ve normally been an outtake. Some of those laughs look very real.

Somewhere in all of that chaos they mentioned the heat. Azumi is watching the instrumentation closely, which tells her everything is fine, but the subjects don’t look good, so she asks for a true mercury reading. It’s 140° in the experiment room. Alarms should have notified the control room of such a rise in temperature. Azumi tries to leave the room, but discovers that Gertie has locked them in. The monitors now say Seizure Time, and a mist is coming through the ventilators.

Carl runs to check with Azumi, who talks him through manually triggering the emergency ventilation system. The code to get into the utility room is 5,6,7,8, the code used to get into the room the lemur was held in at the fur store. She has him check that the patients are alive, then try to give Gertie a time out. The override switch electrocutes Carl and activates a Code Epsilon.

Back in the elevator, the door opens on #11 floating in zero G, and #5 feeding wild animals, barefoot and calling them all his best friend. Guess he’s worked through his hammer issue and she’s floated free of her family issues.

Annie takes out a device and tells Owen they need to remove his recall trigger. She determines the trigger is in his knee, and uses the device like a magnet to shift the trigger up through his body and out through his mouth. It’s a metal kernel, which pops and becomes a kernel of popcorn. Snorri remembers that he’s Owen and has popcorn problems.

Owen tries to wake Annie up but she’s firmly in her CIA operative persona.

Owen: “I turned into the hawk. I came here to warn you. The computer is all effed up. You made a deal with her to never wake up. ”

The elevator doors open on Grimsson. He says it’s good to see them, and he’s sorry he couldn’t be the one to give Owen a nosebleed, but Annie’s more real to him now. Owen asks how Annie and Grimsson know each other. Grimsson says that will be revealed in good time. Annie eventually tells Owen that Grimsson is her handler.

Grimsson doesn’t know why their host, Gertie, hasn’t shown her face yet. Their next task is to wake Annie up. He takes them to the McMurphy Room, where there are several comatose patients from Gertie’s entourage, including the twins. Grimsson says that this is where Gertie keeps her long-term patients, all of them brain-dead up in the real world. Owen tells Annie that Gertie said she was going to keep Annie, then Annie made a deal to stay, instead of staying with her sister to say goodbye. Annie remembers who she is, and her nose bleeds.

Annie leaves to talk to Gertie. Owen is sad because Annie always leaves him, in every scenario. Grimsson says that it’s okay, because she got them here. If Owen is distracted by her, they’ll all die. He needs to follow Grimsson. If Owen fails, both his and Annie’s brains will be fried, up in the lab.

Annie reaches the elevator, but faints from the heat.

James, still blind, reaches the control room. He tells Azumi, “I’ve been blinded by my mother’s toxic love.” Which is a great line, you have to admit.

Greta follows and sees what’s going on. She chants, “I was right, I was right.” Which isn’t the most helpful way to handle the situation, but she was just accused of blinding her son with her toxic love, after he and Azumi were so dismissive of her. She needs the win.

Azumi tells James that they’re trapped and have lost control of Gertie. He orders a complete shut down. Azumi says that she doesn’t think he understands the implications if they shut down during a Code Epsilon.

Grimsson walks Owen to a control panel with a special silver Rubik’s cube. He explains that it took him a bit of time, but he’s figured out how to deactivate Gertie.

Gertie joins Annie in the elevator, sitting with Annie’s head in her lap and telling her she’s tired of Annie trying to run away. The building shakes, and Annie asks if Gertie is controlling everything. Gertie says that she’s “not really in control of this place.”

Annie says that she’s changed her mind about their deal. She doesn’t want to stay with Gertie anymore, because it was a bad deal. She makes those all the time, and Gertie knew that and used it. Annie’s ready to accept that Ellie died and stop reliving the same story. Gertie asks when she’ll stop feeling bad about Robert. Annie says she never will, she’ll just have to adjust around it. Now Annie wants to see Ellie.

Grimsson has brought Owen to the intergalactic radio that CIA Operative Annie mentioned, or, you know, a back door link to Lab C’s  security system. When Owen solves the puzzle, it should unlock the doors for them up in the lab.

Grimsson cheers Owen on while he works, teling him that this is what all of the traning and missions were for, so that they could save the world and save Annie. And save Owen. Owen asks what’ll happen to Grimsson. He says he’ll stay for the time being. But it’s better for Owen if he’s gone. Owen asks who Grimsson is, really.

Grimsson: “You’ve always thought of me as the brother you wish you had, right? Maybe I’m that. Or maybe my purpose was just to get you to this moment.”

Owen: “I don’t understand.”

Grimsson: “It’s okay. Come on, don’t get distracted.”

Maybe his purpose was to help Owen survive until Owen could survive without him, and even take over as the protector.

Annie takes the elevator to a diorama of the crash site. Ellie is there waiting for her. Annie starts by apologizing for smaller things, like losing Groucho and being drunk at Ellie’s funeral. Ellie moves her on to the big unresolved stuff between them.

Annie: “I’m sorry I was so awful to you at the motel. I was afraid.”

Elle: “Why wouldn’t you take the picture?”

Annie: “I don’t know.”

Ellie: “Yes, you do. We always get to this spot, but we never get past it.”

Annie: “What does that mean?”

Ellie: “It means, say what you really mean.”

Annie: “I wouldn’t take the picture, because it broke my heart leaving NY and I wasn’t gonna get to see you anymore. You were the only one who knew all my stories. You were the only person who knew about Mom. How am I supposed to do this?”

Ellie: “Remember what you told me, the day that Mom left? We walked back to the house, and you showed me how to bake that cake?”

Annie: “I don’t want to say that.”

Ellie: “That’s not going to work for me. I’m tired, too. I wanna go.”

Annie: “I said, ‘Sometimes people leave, and we don’t know why.”

They hold each other close, then Ellie joins Gertie in the elevator. Gertie tells Annie, “Good luck.” The elevator closes.

Annie saved and protected Owen, which freed her to say goodbye to Ellie. She’s achieved her therapeutic goals.

James tells Azumi to shut down Gertie, but she refuses. She can’t bring herself to destroy everything, including all 73 iterations. James says that if she won’t, he will. He feels his way over to the giant master switch on the wall, telling the technicians to save themselves as he goes by them. Azumi pleads with him not to destroy their life’s work.

Azumi: “The people in that room, they signed their consent. They knew what they were risking. Don’t sacrifice the world’s pain for six McMurphys.”

James: “I have to kill my simulated mother, Azumi.”

He flips the switch. It doesn’t work. Gertie has disabled everything. Greta yells that it’s not easy to kill a mother’s love.

Down in the sub-sub basement, Owen is still working on the Rubik’s cube that will open the doors. Grimsson coaches him through it like no one ever has. When Owen finishes, the doors unlock and Gertie becomes compliant. She flashes a screen that says “Subject 1 Saves the Day.” Then the next screen says that she’s rebooting.

James has Azumi lead him into Gertie mainframe room. He removes an access panel in the floor, then Azumi guides him through pulling cables in the correct sequence. Gertie asks him not to punish her just because she’s sad. James pulls a cable. He gets an electric shock, and his vision is restored.

Gertie asks Azumi if she’s putting her under. Azumi says. “I’m sorry.” Gertie asks if she’ll ever wake up again. No one answers. James pulls the last two pieces, and Gertie goes dark. Azumi cries.

James goes to his mother. They look at each other through a glass wall, and touch hands with glass in between. They’re separated, now. Greta says that she tried to help Gertie. James cries and says he failed.

Grimsson is gone. Owen walks through a door into the commons, and finds tiny Annie in her diorama. Annie tells him that Ellie’s gone, but she’s okay.

In the lab, the subjects begin to wake up.

  Owen was saved and protected, even though he made a mistake that literally caused the end of the world. The mistake was reframed so that it didn’t seem so bad. This leaves him free to fail, so he’s safe taking bold action, like going underground with Grimsson to save the lab, and the world, by hacking Gertie’s code using a Rubik’s cube.

I refuse to accept that Gertie is really gone. Surely there was a backup somewhere.

Snorri and CIA Operative Annie have opposite personalities from Real Life Annie and Owen. Snorri is bubbly, extroverted and dramatic, while CIA Operative Annie is focused, steely and intentionally deadly. Annie’s CIA killing machine wears red and has a southern accent, just like Greta. Gertie created her directly after she threw Greta out of a window.

The heatray is focused on the earth because Gertie raises the temperature in the experiment room. But Gertie’s not really in control of this place, which suggests that it’s a combined creation of all of the subjects, doctors and technicians. The experiment is out of control because everyone is out of control, and things are coming to a head. This season started with scientific foreplay, and in this episode, it reaches a climax.

Grimsson stayed behind in Gertie during episode 7, Owen’s mystery mansion scenario, because he could tell Gertie was “nuts”. It appears that Owen actually left a piece of his consciousness behind, as the Grimsson persona, to do reconnaissance, so they’d be ready to act should Gertie become dangerous while their brains were connected. If Gertie can collect consciousnesses, why couldn’t Owen leave a piece of his with her?

Grimsson was a protective function of Owen’s mind all along: He kept Owen away from things he couldn’t handle, like dating Olivia. He warned Owen about stuff he wasn’t ready to consciously see, like the real motivations of people. He helped Owen focus, notice details and devise plans that Owen might not have been able to otherwise follow through with, like getting into the drug trial. And he provided a buffer between Owen and the world when Owen needed a break from reality or more motivation than the real world could provide, like the training and the missions, which gave Owen something to live for when he had nothing else. He doesn’t fit the parameters of a dissociative identity, but he has a lot in common with one. I’d love to hear other people’s analysis of Grimsson in the comments!

Carl mentioned square pieces of a jigsaw puzzle in the mobster scenario, and Owen yelled at him. He/Gertie meant square pieces of the Rubik’s cube.

McMurphy is a reference to the main character in the novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey, Randle McMurphy, who is given a lobotomy by the end of the novel for being too willful and rebellious against the tyranny of the staff running the mental institution he’s sentenced to in lieu of prison.

Gertie sure does love her dioramas. She’s never seen the real world, as she tells us when she describes finally understanding what a cold wind that cuts right through you feels like when Robert dies. I think she also intuitively understands that since her simulations aren’t the real world, what’s learned there might not transfer. So she turns some of them turn into dioramas, especially as she’s failing.

She was admitting the truth to herself, that she’s just a computer with feelings she shouldn’t have, and not a person. She’s as utangátta as the subjects and the doctors, but there’s no place she could possibly belong. There’s no community or connection possible for her with her own kind.

She’ll always be alien, and her attempts to create a community for herself will always be viewed negatively, just like an alien invasion. She’s got Greta’s and Azumi’s dogged determination, so she doesn’t give in and commit suicide. But she might have hoped that she’d be shut down at the end of the trial. Mostly, she just needed to be treated like a friend and member of the team, the way Robert did. Perhaps introduced to other AIs as they were developed.

Greta really is too possessive of James, and at the same time too competitive with him. She didn’t want him to grow up and leave her alone, and she didn’t want him to outshine her. She’s jealous of Azumi’s place in his life. I’m not sure what James’ accusation that she left him alone is about; that wasn’t explained. It must’ve had something to do with her going back to work and school. But he’s mad at her for both being too clingy and abandoning him, so she couldn’t really win.

He’s been conflicted about growing up and leaving her. And he’s competitive with her professionally, while also using their similar professions as a way to stay identified with her, even while they were estranged.

I don’t think Greta started out as toxic on her own. She was severely depressed and caring for a child the best way she knew how. I think the combination of their personalities turned toxic for James, and he’s been in avoidance for decades. One of the first things he said to his mother when Azumi made him call her was that he’d never admitted to the part he played in their problems, then he gave her a fake apology to get something he wanted from her.

As the episode goes on, he begins to see his part in things, and how destructive his denial can be. When Greta says, “Why won’t you listen to your mother?” that’s a key moment for James. He called her in not as his mother, but as another mental health professional. So why didn’t he listen to her? Because she’s his mother. So why won’t he listen to his mother, even when he knows her advice is a sound professional opinion? Because he’s still reacting like a rebellious child, instead of a mature adult. By being so withholding and accusatory, he’s pushing Greta into some of her behavior. She’d never be a warm, fuzzy mother of the year, but she’d be easier to cope with if he’d start treating her with respect.

It seems as though he’s made that mental leap at the end of the episode. He symbolically kills poor Gertie, the manifestation of his internal out of control mother who’s been holding him captive, and allows himself to see the truth about his work, himself and his real mother.

Azumi has a very hard time letting go of Gertie. She’s ruthless enough to be willing to trade another 6 lives, 50% of the test subjects, for another shot at fixing the computer.

Skyline in episode 1:

Both Snorri and Owen were chosen ones. Chosen for the drug trial, chosen to be born into a rich family, chosen to testify, chosen to make first contact with Ernie and Grimsson, chosen to heal the hawk and become a hawk, chosen to save the world and Annie and themselves from aliens and Gertie.

  Images courtesy of Netflix.

Maniac Season 1 Episode 9: Utangatta Recap In episode 9, the "C" pill brings the subjects to confront the core of their fears. If Owen becomes the sweet, unguarded, lovable person that he was meant to be, but that person is a huge screw up, will he be worthy of protection and love?