#and that i wasnt special for being in college or anything

[goatmilksoda]

I was gonna write a big vent post but I'll summarize:

I'm sad because I always assumed I was supposed to fill space in conversations to keep people happy so I end up talking at people and it makes them mad and i wish they would either tell me theyd rather have silence or start talking and steer the subject so we could have a conversation instead of just pretending to listen until they get angry and blow up. It makes me feel bad. I don't like what I'm doing either.

[iouinotes]

match made in heaven | Alex Walter

pairing: Alex Walter x female!reader

show: My life with the Walter boys

warnings: just kissing word count: 2,2k

summary: At your birthday party you get dared to spend 7 minutes in heaven with none other than your best friend Alex.

a/n: A modified review of "Beautiful boy" Thank you @rogueanschel-reads for the woderful idea!

"Come on, even a stranger can sense your attraction for each other, the hidden love that lays beneath your friendship."

Maybe it wasnt the best idea to play truth or dare.

Well, firstly I want to say that I love my friendgroup. Grace, Skylar, his boyfriend Nathan, Kiley and of course, my best friend Alex.

Really, I love these guys. But sometimes they make me want to jump off a cliff, no regretting or turning back.

In moments like this, where I want to spent a good time partying with my friends, because its my 16th birthday, they need to remind me of the he-who-must-not-be-named-topic. That means for outstanders, my non-existent, strictly friendly feelings for my best friend Alex.

The guy, who has absolutely no idea, he's being compared to Voldemort. But for the matter of fact, Harry Potter are my all-time favorite movies and early Voldemort was actually quiet handsome. So, it kinda makes sense. Why? Because Alex has put a spell on me with his smile and his pretty face.

But back to my party.

We are currently in the living room, our knees are touching the legs of the person next to us and someone (Grace) encouraged us to smuggle a few bottles of alcohol to the party, even though we didnt plan to drink.

Now, Skylar had the great idea to embarrass everyone by playing truth or dare, but with a twist. He likes to call it "match made in heaven" or what it actually means, making out in a closet. Something like that, I've never participated in any of these games.

Until now.

As I am the birthday girl, I started the game by choosing truth. But I could really have just voluntarily confessed my feelings for Alex. Because Grace winked at me and I knew at that moment, that the next few minutes meant trouble.

"So, y/n. Describe us your magical boy, that you dream of being able to call your own." I knew it. She could have just asked me what college I wanted to attend or something less embarrassing, but no. She needed to ask me about my type in boys, which obviously is my handsome, brown haired best friend next to me.

As I'm about to hide my head in my hands, I hear the encouraging shouts of the people I call my friends.

"Okay, okay. Let me think for a moment." I couldnt make it that obvious, I liked him. But still, it was worth a try.

"Someone who has an angelic smile, where you just stare at his face and can´t stop looking at him. I-I like brown hair and I dont know, what it is, but hazel eyes, they somehow make my heart beat faster. I mean- he´s attractive, because he is a gentleman. Caring and supportive, someone who listens to my wants and needs, but still continues to be his true self. I can read books with him or we watch movies together and talk about it after. He makes me feel seen, safe. I love him, because he is everything I could ever dream of and more."

When I finish speaking, Grace grins innocent and looks at me with her long eyelashes. "I wonder, who that could be."

My eyes secretly dart to Alex, trying to figure out, if he knows, that I am very obviously describing him. But he just watches the floor, his eyebrows are drawn together and I almost think, he looks annoyed.

"Someone is jealous" I hear Skylar´s voice in my ear.

As the game went on, his behavior kept being slightly off, even though he never said anything about it and continued to smile at me, when we looked at each other.

And then, Alex was asked about his favorite memory, whether it was about being in school, with family or with friends.

Well, he told them about the first time, he introduced me to his favorite book saga, the Lord of the Rings. I never knew, that day was so special for him, but as he described my hilarious reactions and facial features, how he saw my eyes widen with disbelief as he read out the first chapters, I remembered.

When I look back, it really was a wonderful night. We did a sleepover at his house and were talking about watching Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings. Somehow, we also talked about the books and that I read the seven books about the famous wizard and he the books about the elves and other creatures (don´t judge me for this description). We discussed almost every aspect, but he still convinced me to give his favorite books a try. So we spent the night spread out on his bed, eating sweets and reading the first book. Well, he mostly read it out loud to me, because his pronunciation was definitely much better than mine. It was fun, also because I got to watch him being in his element, so it really was a heartwarming evening.

I smile at the memory, a warm feeling blooms in my chest and when he finishes talking about it, he looks at me fondly. I had to keep myself from wanting to giggle like a little girl, but my inner 13-year old, most definitely did giggle.

Back to the original topic. Next, Grace was dared to wear one of my clothes, Kiley told us about her celebrity crush (Timothee Chalamet, but you didnt hear it from me) and when Alex was asked who he would trust with his secret, if he was spiderman, he mentioned me again. It was sweet and I had planned to tell him, that I would love to be the girl in the chair.

But, as the game went on, my name constantly fell from his lips. He was dared to show one of the most terrible photos of him and revealed to the group, a snapshot from us, wearing unrecognizable Halloween costumes. Funny, but my idea to go as ghosts wasnt that bad.

Nevertheless, he talked about the best gift he had ever received, a pair of cowboy boots, I got him two years ago (Nathan was playfully annoyed that one of his presents werent the best one) and as the game continued, the question, that I tried my best to avoid, was eventually asked.

"You two are always around each other and I've barely seen you apart, like ever. Are you sure, there is nothing going on between you? It seems like it."

Alex and I looked at each other, but then quickly laughed it off. It was what we always did, when someone asked us about our close friendship. None of us really answered and that meant for me, that he neither confirmed or declined having feelings for me. Very confusing and bad for my hoping heart.

So, when our friends are looking at each other now, grinning like they planned something really wicked, I know, that my personal hell is waiting for me. Or in my situation, a modified version of heaven.

"Y/n, I dare you to play seven minutes in heaven with just your best friend Alex." Grace is smiling in front of me and when I want to debate about it, she cuts me off.

"But I havent said I would take dare-" my words are going silent and I only hear my pounding heart.

"You always choose truth, that´s boring. You get the dare now, so stand up and cuddle with your wizard!"

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Alex holds his hands out for me, so he can help me stand up. He silently looks at me and I try to assure him by smiling, but I think I´m failing at it. Because he looks as unnerved as I feel right now.

When we walk out of the room and into the small storage room, we hear Skylar´s distance shouting.

"No lights and close the door! That are the rules, we set the timer!"

Why was I friends with them again?

When we approach the room, unlocking the door and stepping inside, we are suddenly surrounded by darkness. And when he closes my only way to escape, its quiet for a moment. Then, I hear is curious voice.

"What did Grace mean about your wizard?"

I relax and gently laugh. Nothing has to happen, everything is fine.

"That you are as bad at keeping secrets than Draco. Harry really found out on the first day in 6th grade, that something was clearly up with him."

Alex groans. "Please no more talking about your Drarry shipping. I get it, it could have been an enemies-to-lovers romance."

I smack his arm, taking a step closer to him.

"Okay, what would you like to talk about instead?"

I can make out the outlines of his face in the darkness, seeing how he also takes a step closer. I feel myself breathing heavily and my hands nervously shaking.

"I think, that I should keep you warm, because I literally see your hands shaking." When he takes another step in my direction, I hold my breath and in the same second, I feel his arms wrap around me.

His hands find their way to my back, embracing me in his warmth until I feel him breathing on my neck. I need to stop myself from shivering at this feeling.

"I can work with that." I whisper, snuggling into his chest and closing my eyes. I hear his racing heart and immediately need to smile.

"Your heart is beating very fast." His chin rests on my head, I feel him holding me closer.

"It´s the darkness." Of course, it is.

When I also close my arms around his waist, I feel for the first time a kind of inner peace, that I read about in books.

When a character feels safe in the embrace of their beloved.

Silence surrounds us for a minute and I begin to thank Grace for her dare, because him holding me in his arms und me, hugging him, is much more than wonderful.

"When you call me a wizard, do I get to call you a witch?" I burst out a laughter at his question.

"Only if you won´t compare me to Umbridge." He nods quietly.

"You are as far away from being like Umbridge as the earth is away from the moon. So, you don´t have to worry."

"Good." We are silent again.

"So, have you ever thought about what you would do, if you would get to spent time with a person, when you have seven minutes in heaven?" I think for a few seconds, before I answer him.

"I always imaged this game as a way to confess feelings or solving a fight. Maybe a hidden chance to make out too, I guess."

I hear him taking a deep breath, not expecting much. Until-

"Can I kiss you?" My knees almost give out.

"You what-?" I turn to look at him. Noticing his widen pupils.

"I mean, would you, um, want to kiss. Like, me. Now. Not that you need to, but you sounded like you would want that experience, so-" he tries to hold a stable voice, but I can sense, that he's slowly freaking out.

"Alex. You just asked me, if we should kiss."

I can´t believe it.

"...yes?" He sounds so sincere.

"Why?" I ask, while continue to look at him, feeling every centimeter that divides our lips from touching.

"Like I said, I don´t want you to miss out on anything."

Silence.

"Okay and maybe I just wanted an excuse to kiss you, before that dream boy of yours does."

I lean forward, watching as his eyes keep looking at my lips, even though he tries to hold the eye contact.

I slowly raise my hand and place it on the back of his neck, caressing the dark hair and twirling a few strands.

"Are you jealous, pretty boy?" I feel his cheeks getting warm, seeing the effect my words have on him.

His hands hold me tighter and a startled expression is shown on his face.

"What? Me, jealous? No." I raise my eyebrows at him.

He signs. "Maybe. I dont like the thought of someone else with you." His thumb brushes over my lips.

"Kissing you, touching you. It just doesnt feel right, that someone else would do that."

"You mean, someone who isnt you?" I look at his lips and he hums quietly. His hand slowly wanders to my chin and directs my head closer to him, I can feel his breath on my skin.

"We don´t have to do it-" I begin to talk, but then again, when he speaks up, his voice sounds out of breath, like he's holding himself back.

"No, it´s just one...little...kiss" his voice becomes quieter, the less distance there is between our faces.

And with one, last look, he catches my lips in a slow kiss. Keeping me close to him, by holding onto my waist. His hands find their way to my cheeks, caressing them with his fingers and I feel my heart pounding as prominent against my chest as feel him kissing me.

I don't notice, that he's directing me back until I gently hit the wall, while his hands slowly explore my sides. My hands tangle in his hair, tugging him closer, so I can feel everything of him.

And in that moment, I understand the name of the game. Because this truly feels like heaven.

When I notice, that I can´t breath anymore (but who needs oxygen when you can have Alex Walter), we gently break apart. Still holding onto each other.

And as soon as we catch our breath, both of us are smiling at each other and we share our feelings without a word.

"That was-" he doesnt get to finish his sentence, because in a blink of an eye, the door opens and brightness consumes us.

We quickly break apart, but apparently too late, because Grace´s voice is the first one to tease us.

"Right, you are just friends."

You can imagine, what the entire evening after that was like...

[opal-owl-flight]

Making up for lost time.

3 always believed in 4. They even hoped shed exceed them, and not make the same mistakes they did.

Maybe if they trained her enough, she wouldnt be broken like they are.

More deets below the cut, regarding 3 and their current status with inknemia...

Ive given them angst abt their contribution to 4's state. And abt their anxieties on being a perfect enough ageng so they never fail, so the (fragile) world, their way of life, is always safe

However.

After OE, 3 was able to continue going on patrols and missions, but something is definitely off.

Their body was still young and fresh enough to keep going despite acquiring inknemia (it basically gives them more limited mobility/power due to reduced ink capacity/density). And with 4 there, she can cover for their weaknesses brought by disability.

Even then, they felt it. That creeping feeling that this wont last.

Their ink tank was running low way more frequently. Restoring ink is slower. Splatting enemies takes longer.

4 was starting to run on ahead. A rising star, if she kept her pace, and they slowed down more.

Everything they knew. Turfing, ranked, agent duties.

Their fragile world was breaking. But only theirs. And they cant do anything to stop it from tipping into that point.

As if thats not enough, 4 left for college. And all those duties they shared fell back to them alone.

8 was also around, but she was with Off the Hook more. Shes technically not an agent...

until she became one officially, its all 3. All that work on a breaking body that cant do what it used to anymore.

They felt despair at each action they cant do as long, or anymore. Their actions became much more precise and decided to adjust. Their shots, their specials, their bombs -- only used when needed, ending fights as quickly as they start.

Still able, for a while. Still a legend, for a while. But they know. They know.

And when the news came that Cuttlefish was retiring --

They knew it was time. 1 and 2 are taking them off the field.

Its become too risky for them now. Hell, they even had to retire from turfing. (what a coincidence that the wiiu servers just died.)

Its a hidden turmoil they bury under work. Under the training sessions theyre allowed to do. Its the omly action theyre allowed these days, save for the occasional/rare mission/task that only they can do (that defuzzifier in splat3)

They miss being able to do what they were able to before.

Oh, 4 thinks shes a useless agent?

what about 3, who cant be that anymore?

At least, not as much as they used to be.

Both of them, theyve grown old, exhausted from the turmoils of life. Of events beyond their control.

The reason they pushed 4 so hard was...well, besides to keep her safe, its...I guess, subconciously, so that shed be their protege. To do what they cant anymore. To protect the fragile world.

Forgetting that 4 is not them, that 4 has different skills and limitations. They didnt want her to push herself so hard bc they did that and fell to Tartar. Inadvertedly...

They pushed her hard enough that she wanted to give herself up to Order, a similar entity to Tartar.

Just. God. Ow.

3 actually being the one who can help 4 the most this whole time

3 who wanted her to be safe. And now wanting her to exceed them.

Want to see her become better.

Meanwhile theyre sobbing inside abt how their body is imprisoning them, almost. An unspoken, subconcious struggle, which expresses itself in their strict discipline. Whats usually on the surface is their perfectionism and their worry for everyone else. This entire struggle with their body is bc it means they cant protect everyone else like they used to. It tears em up.

They are still FAST and can deliver killing blows still. But its in bursts, never as consistent as 4

One of these days... maybe she finds out during her break...

What 3s going through, inside.

3 had to replace themself for Splat3. 8 wasnt around, 4 was in college...Thank god Cuttlefish found someone....

Neo3. He NAMED this agent. Three.

That was their name...its gone now (I mean they def have a name outside the number, just havent thought of one)

I. Think thats it. These notes are kind of unedited so WOWPKSKS. its all over the place

[waffliesinyoface]

actually i wanna post about one of my random OCs, who is a play on the "child character who is ACTUALLY an adult, no really" trope because im a firm believer in that trope being funny if its used properly. (when its NOT used properly, that is when i get Annoyed. fire emblem awakening my beloathed...)

ANYWAYS. The gist of it is that she's a mid twenties college student and low-key weeb. She gets killed/isekai'd by Truck-kun, everyone's favorite plot device, and then shows up in limbo with a disembodied voice talking about reincarnation and she's very excited because "holy shit this is just like konosuba" and immediately agrees halfway through its monologue. And then she's like, hey, if you're already going to the trouble of reincarnating me in a new body, does it have to be this one...?

She doesn't get access to a character creator screen or anything but The Voice is like "I don't see why not...?" and lets her make suggestions.

So she starts asking for things like "red eyes" and "waist-length hair" and "pointy ears" and "able to use lots of cool magic" and "ooh, can i be an elf or a half elf or whatever" and so on until she catches herself mid-rant and goes "ah, sorry, that's probably a little bit chuunibyou, huh?"

NOW, THE IMPORTANT BIT: the Omnipresent Divine Voice is not actually speaking english. It does not understand english. It doesnt even have context for language. It just "says" concepts and her brain interprets it as english. So anything she says back to it is translated back in a way it can understand. Normally this isnt a problem! It's like using machine translation for a simple conversation. A little clunky, but it works.

So, it doesn't hear the term chuunibyou as it's understood, it hears "中二病" and translates it as "middle schooler disease", after she spent several minutes listing things she'd like for her new body. It can't tell the difference between a request for traits and her admonishing herself for being lame.

She realizes her mistake when she wakes up in the new world and realizes she looks like a fucking eighth grader. Just the absolute worst. And THEN she realizes that, because she requested being an elf, she's going to look like that for a long, long time. (Longer than she thinks, even - it interpreted the "disease" part of that as "stunted growth" . Not that she figures that out until she actually meets other elves..) A key part of her outfit are boots with really big heels just so she can try to eke out just a little more height and respectability.

And the real kicker? Because she interrupted it mid-explanation, she didn't realize that the world she got isekai'd into wasnt a dragon quest-esque world with demons to defeat, it's like. Recettear. Atelier. Low stakes slice of life fantasy nonsense. She has enough magic capabilities to knock holes in a mountain, but there's no fucking use for it. (She's so overtuned that she makes runic glyphs and stuff appear in the air while firing spells. Not because magic requires it or anything, but because "it looks cooler". She makes illusions of special effects happen because she thinks magic should look like that.)

Instead, to make her way in this new world... she runs a shop. Because even though she's living in a fantasy world; she still has to work retail.

[erikswedensworld]

When a white father discovers his daughter has gone black, a story from sweden

For a time I have talked to a white Swedish father who recently discovered his daughter has gone black. His daughter is studying her fist semester at a swedish university located in one of the more pronounced college towns in Sweden. The dad and his wife/mother to the daughter was visiting their daughter. She was living in a dorm, sharing kitchen and social areas with many other students not only from Sweden but also from other countries. This particular college town has almost all students coming from other parts of Sweden, and the world, so its a great oportunity to meet new people. The dorm was very nice, recently built, clean and located within walking distance from the towns center.

The daughter has always been a family girl, well behaved, social and with very good grades. She is what one can descibe as a classic nordic beuty, you can picture the type. She has had two previous boyfriends, the father dint think she has had any one night stands, but that is his educated guess. They, the students in the dorm, had had a party the day before the and some of the students was cleaning up in the kitchen when the parents arrived. Their daughter was very happy to see them and was her bubbly and happy self as usual. The daughters room was very neat, clean and well organised. One thing the father noticed was a XXL t-shirt with a very special print on the fabric. The T-shirt was underneath some of his daughters clothing and he saw the label size, XXL, not the size his daughter would wear (if she wasnt into dressing in a tent that is). He dint say anything. The daughter showed them around the dorm and when they returned to her room the dad noticed that the t-shirt was gone! That sent of the alarm bells in his head. Someone had gone into his daughters room and retrived the T-shirt while they was out. Now he was very puzzled. his daughter hadnt mentioned anything about any boyfriend or that she was seeing someone.

Did his daughter have a boyfriend she hadnt told them about? And if so, why? He became even more curious. When the dad was using the bathroom he couldnt resist the tempteation but open the bathroom cabinet and to his shock and surprise he found a tube of lubrication and… a packet of XL condoms. He just stared at the things as his mind raced. The extra large condoms…his daughters "boyfriend", was evidently well hung…and the lubrication… suddenly he realised that his little darling princess, his angel, his own daughter…was most likely taking a XL cock up her ass! his daughter was having anal sex! shocked he put everything back in the cabinet and tried to keep a straight face when he came out to join his wife and daughter. as they where leaving to go and have a lunch his daughter stoped and talking to some dorm friends, and thats when the father saw him. A tall, muscular guy in his mid 20s, wearing the XXL t-shirt he had seen in his daughters room. The t-shirt streched over a rock hard chest and the dad could see his abs. but the thing that made the dads jaw drop was that the guy was black, very black. the father felt his head spin as he realised that not only did his daughter have anal sex and using condoms, her "boyfriend" was a black african student! His daughter had been blacked! His blonde, blye eyed daughter was fucking a black guy!

He dint say anything of course, but when the realisation hit home, he couldnt help but to notice the glances his daughter and the black student exchanged, her blue eyes meeting his dark ones.

they left and had an excellent lunch at a good resturaint but the only things that was racing through the dads mind was the picture of his young daughter, naked, in bed being fucked by this black giant, his thick black cock thrusting in and out of her wet, pink and tight pussy, the only thing seperating them was this thin piece of rubber that was supposed to stop any of his potent African sperm to shoot into his daughters unprotected aryan body. Only the smallest tear and his black warrior sperm would start their assult on her defensless viking eggs, impregnating her, his daughter. His white daughter! Then he picuted his blonde little angel, moaning and gasping as she took his black shaft in her tight young ass, streching her as he slowly forced his way inside her body. And of course she had given him blowjobs, what else? The dad could see his daughters pink lips streched around a black shaft as her blonde head bobbed up and down. Of course he had cum in her mouth, his black hands holding his daughters blonde head in place making sure she wouldnt draw away as he emptied his balls into her mouth and making her swallow his sperm. The white father realised that his daughter now swallowed the black students sperm, or perhaps he shot his load all over her white face, glacing it with his african cum.

Later that night he and his wife made love in their hotel room, or rather, they where fucking. The father fucked his wife in a way he hadnt done for years and as his wife was moaning and gasping as his cock was thrusting in and out of her wet pussy, the only thing he could picture was his daughter being fucked by a black African cock,his swollen black balls smacking againts his daughters lilly white ass or her riding the black cock, his hands on her white ass or firm young breasts, then both gasping and grunting as they came, his daughters pussy contracting around the massive black cock, and then the black guy would come, jet after jet of hot sticky sperm filling the protective condom…and any small tear in the thin, thin barrier and his blonde aryan daughters unprotected pussy would be flooded with black African sperms…

Afterwards his wife snuggled up to him and told him that they must book more hotel nights, the dad couldnt agree more. Now he is wondering, will his grandkids be black? The chances are they just might.

And his wife? Did she suspect that their daughter had a black boyfriend? Answer was, of course, yes. She knew but choosen not to tell him, well she did when he brought up the matter. her reason for not telling him was that she dint think their daughters relationship was that serious. That goes to show, again, how mch more pragmatic a mothers view is on their daughters sexuality is. This in turn raised the question (from the father) what is wife had done when she was younger and in college.But when in college, it is the right time to try new things and sometimes "experiment" with new partners, so yes, it turned out that the wife had her share of experiences.

How things will work out for the daughter, time will tell. Perhaps there will be an update on this ongoing thing

[blkkizzat]

Kali losing her virginity story time when

sis lmfao it's not glamorous... ngl i 18 and i was crossfaded af at a college party and "superman" by eminem was playing.

LMFAO A MESS, ill talk about it but i don't wanna trigger anyone so under the cut. tw sex under the influence; dubcon

i probably wasn't in the right mind frame to consent or anything tbh (so please dont be like me stay safe). well, honestly now that i think about it, i think it was just that last bong hit that had me out of my mind. although i was already naked atp lol so i was down to have sex. but right after that's when i blacked out and when i came to i was literally moaning as ol'boy had a mouth full of my pussy hjdfasdjhfasdjh. i just wanted to lose my v and get it over with so i was happy to go with the flow. (disclaimer: back in the day when i was drinking hard dark liquor and mixed it with weed i would literally black out, but not go unconscious but just lose that time and not know wtf i was doing for the last 20 mins. But people have told me i was talking/acting like normal so idk.bdjhsdfjh but it happened then too. its only happened to me like 3-4 times tbh all when i binge drank heavy in college and smoked a fuckton of weed. so no it wasn't like i was unconscious and he was hooking up with me anyway).

that said, ngl that was some of the best sex i ever had in college. high sex is always great for me tbh and i dont remember it hurting much (but he had also just ate me out for like 45 min) but i think me and ol'boy just had good natural chemistry. he lived on the 3rd floor and my friends on the first floor said they heard me kfjhsdkjshdfkvjhsd.

one awkward asf thing though is the guy did not know i was a virgin and i would have told him if i wasnt so fucked up fjkhrfkdhgkdf.

also just wanna note, im not sad or upset at all. i always gave zero fucks about the construct of virginity (personally, please if you want it to be nice and special that is your preference and nothing is wrong with that). and sidenote thats why other than the one virgin!reader fic i will write (she wont really give af either tho tbh), i dont like writing virgin!reader cause i dont believe in idealizing it.

honestly i just wanted to lose it cause up until that point i was scared to use a tampon and was tired of being in the bloody dirt trenches with pads fhsdfjkhasfjaksh. like it wasnt even about "losing my virginity to a tampon", i was just scared to put it in. but literally got my period a week later and was like "well a dick has been in me" and found the courage to put it in. i was a silly bitch im fully aware LOL!

but i will say, it was this weird thing after where i felt bad for NOT feeling bad. like i had other friends who idealized virginity so much (then were all pikachu face when they found out i didnt want to tell them i had sex), i felt like there was something wrong with me for not thinking it was a big deal. even sometimes now, i wont want to discuss it just because so may people do idolize it its annoying to have to deal with their reactions and reassure them "no i dont feel like i was SA'd, no i dont regret it, yes i actually enjoyed the experience."

however i will say now im in the middle.

these days im alot more selective with who i fuck as personally i subscribe to the ideas of tantra/tantric sex. That while you can have sex without emotions, you can't have it without an energy exchange. sometimes ive felt shitty after one-night stands or liked the friends with bennies for the pleasure in sex but felt off after. i realized that those feelings weren't due to guilt from slut-shaming but the fact that their energy was off and it was now having an effect on me. so rn im DTF 100%—but yo energy gotta be right. and usually i cant tell that just from the bar or first meeting so ive been waiting more.

i rambled again jsdhsdjhbj but oh well.

[felipe-v-fanblog]

Hi, my friend. I would like to clarify something. I watched a biography of Felipe V, and the biography states that the Alcazar real palace was burned, and some of the paintings were forever lost. People in the comment section accused Philip V of purposely burning the palace so he could rebuild it. Is this true or is it just a coincidence?

2. Who is Philip V's favorite child?

hi, friend . have been busy with college the past days. i will stalk your account right away as always after clearing out this cus i have never ever heard about that gossip ! it actually surprised me . as far as i know the burning was mostly suspected to be from an artist of the court ( Jean Ranc ), who you may know for making that one painting of Felipe V riding a horse with a rainbow in the background (its insane) . but i want to remember him for making this painting of this dog which is named " La perra Liceta " . she seems nice .

I heard Jean Ranc had some sort of blindness or vision problems (actually very normal between artists of the time) , so it makes sense for him to have made some mistake with fire . that was something i read a long time ago and cannot find it on wikipedia right now so this is just me thinking . it is true that it was weird that the royal family wasnt on the alcázar at the time but felipe v never actually liked the place and he was avoidant asf of the stuff he didnt liked so . i dont actually find it sus but yeah the spaniards of the time hated felipe and would have used anything that he did against him . love him he is blorbo .

2. he actually loved all his children but he loved a lot luis i which is kind of a pity because his death was literally . like . the death of him . like wtf . luis was his first one and he has some really funny stories with him and i love them a lot . luis took the gentle and reserved nature both from maria luisa de saboya and felipe . he also took his whore side from felipe v but i let him be . there is something funny ? which no one mentions but i noticed ? which is that felipe v dressed luis i like him ? it wasnt normal at the time to give kids really long wigs but luis i for some reason used them ? which i assume it was felipe v s idea as he also used really long wigs since he was very small ( also not normal from the time - he was just very coquette ) , he was always very french ( in terms of looking too much at himself in the mirror ) . anyway he loved all of them but didnt passed much time with any of them as he was very avoidant of anything tbh . but he personally teached them about religion and fernando vi was very attached to his father , so he probably did bonded with at least the first children he had . cannot say the same about the ones he had with isabel de farnesio as he was mostly depressed during that part of his life . isabel de farnesio loved carlos iii and filippo di parma btw . no one gives a fuck about don luis ( which is btw named after luis i , and was made an archbishop to take spiritual care ? of his family and specially the deceased luis i - he was born 3 years after his death . he also has a record guinnes for being world ' s youngest cardinal ever ? ) . i just finished to put a drawing of don luis on my backpack along with a felipe v as duc de anjou fun fact . may draw some other bourbons to accompany them .

[ankhisms]

signed up for auditions for midsummer nights dream for another local theater group which i havent done anything with before (they havent had any auditions for any shows that i would be interested in/have any roles that would suit me until now) and i feel a bit nervous..

midsummer is a very special play to me it was the play i saw when i was little that made me fall in love with stage theater and got me started acting in the theater i grew up in, i was in a production of it in the theater i grew up in aroind 2016 as helena and i feel like that was one of my personal favorite roles ive done and i still do one of the monologues of helena for auditions but i dont really want to necessarily play helena AGAIN u know i just really would like. any part.

i hate feeling like im being bitter bc i dont want to be bitter or jealous or anything but it does kind of feel like in my local theater community 1. the theater college students of the big university are prioritized for roles because the uni has this weird thing where undergrad students arent allowed to perform in their shows which is frankly fucking absurd and on one hand i understand wanting to give the theater students experience due to that but like ive said before that theater groups arent upfront about favoring the uni students for auditions but once you notice that everyone casted in main roles is a student at the uni you cant stop noticing it yknow and theres been times where i know for certain that someone else who wasnt a uni student auditioned and couldve done the role better but was passed up for a uni student who didnt do as good of a job 2. in the theater that ive acted in its like they keep just casting the same 10-15 people in stuff even though theres a large amount of people auditioning and it seems like thats the case for the other local theater companies as well and its really frustrating because like yeah those 10-15 people are good actors, or at least id say most of them are, and the majority of the ones ive worked with are very nice people and good to work with and they deserve to get roles but its also like. okay i think maybe we should stop giving this one person the lead role every single time they audition and maybe give someone else a chance yeah.

all this to say im gonna try my best at my audition but im not about to get my hopes up when ive been auditioning for as many local things as i can for like the past two/almost three years now and have only gotten casted in two shows and then one special reading performance that i just did. im not about to give up bc this is my dream in life but it feels frustrating at times

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale tales: The Spicy endeavor

So I did not have a good spice tolerance when I was younger. I use to think Jalapeños were super spicy that I would need milk afterward.

Now I accepted my lot in life, because that was how it is, there was plenty of tasty food that wasnt spicy.

Back when I worked my first job out of college, I worked for a company with a lot of people who were from southern China, and they LOVED spicy noodles. They had a place they would go to on special occasions for lunch.

Now the first time they had taken me to the noodle place they loved and they ordered their food. Now they warned me it was spicy and I said I am sure it was fine, but they convinced me it was going to be too spicy for me. So I said I would take it without the spice.

Now, imagine the food getting served, everyone's noodles looked colorful and delicious, while mine was a bowl of practically clear broth and noodles...

So the scene of being the only guy in that restaurant eating a bowl of noodles that looked like that made me feel so embarrassed. I felt ashamed that I took the cowards way out. So I swore to myself that by the time we came back to this place, I would eat the spicy noodles with everyone else.

I spent weeks eating nothing but spicy food for lunch. I made it my mission to up my tolerance. It was hell for me. I may have been Latino, but I was a Cuban, (our food is flavorful but not spicy). But after 2 months, my company decided to go back to the noodle place. I was ready.

They offered to do the same thing they did before, and I told them I would eat the same spicy noodles they did. Sure enough, they offered me the noodles. The waitress looked at me skeptically when I ordered the noodles. She didnt have any confidence in me either, I could tell.

Moment of truth time, the noodles in front of me, it looked delicious, it smelled incredible. I took a breath and went in for a bite. It was spicy... but it was delicious. The spice didnt pain me, I devoured my bowl and I even drank the broth after, something most of my co-workers wouldnt do since it was so spicy. But I overcame it.

The waitress came by shortly to see if we needed anything and was shocked to see my bowl empty. My co-workers were stunned, by the fact I not only ate it, but finished it first.

It was the results of my training. Now years later I miss those noodles.

[nerves-nebula]

what was boarding school like?

*pained noise* hard to say. i heard things got worse after i left (i was lowkey kicked out)(the dean of students hated mentally ill ppl and was kind of racist and didnt allow me to come back because i was "dirty" and visibly struggling with a lot of mental health issues)(god knows my grades were perfect)(it's whatever, he left eventually)

it was definitely a mixed bag. the teachers were broadly pretty nice and cool. the class schedule was hellish (nearly all day class, with academic stuff being the first half of the day and arts being the second half). the other students were pretty cool, i met the first punk i'd ever known there and he was awesome and also the person who taught me what being punk actually was- and i still kind of wish i'd kept in touch with him.

for all the stuff i didnt like about it though, it was way better than being at home. cause yknow i wasnt in an abusive household, even if i WAS in a racist academic establishment lol. but like it's america when am i NOT in a racist establishment haha.

all of my older siblings went to boarding high schools too, but i think i'm the only one who switched schools every school year. so they had the chance to kind of settle in more. though from what I've heard them say it wasnt much better.

specialized boarding high schools really arent that much different from public high schools except that they feel a bit like college and you can meet people with your specific interests easier. well at least mine wasn't that different- we didnt have like a strict dress code or uniform or anything. i think a school like that would actually have made me MORE suicidal.

BUT I DIGRESS: i'm rambling so much because its hard to really quantify what it was like. im sure it wasn't awful, but its worth noting i was severely mentally ill and likely extremely depressed, so the entire thing is covered in a weird glitchy haze where it's like.

it was great, i loved it, i cried when they wouldn't let me come back. it was awful and isolating, i was terrified, i was constantly overwhelmed and put in new situations i hated, i cried myself to sleep on most days. does that clear it up?

[c0rinarii]

These guys have been living in my head rent free for more than 4 years at this point and i find it criminal that i did not ever post my HCs about all of them publicly.

So here yall go for the 3 people who keep up with the original Red Embrace; 5 headcanons for my 5 specialest boys. Threads into pretty heavy topics (depression mainly) and light spoilers for the game below. Play it if you havent and are intrested in them 🫵

Ash:

- Bisexual with a slight m-spec lean

- His impulsivity and recklessness is mainly caused by depression, which i think he suffers substantially from. Too many lines point towards how unhappy he was with his life before meeting his love interest :(

- HUGE anime nerd. A gut feeling tells me he would be a huge mecha nerd. But generally, he enjoys more abstract and "nonsense" anime. Unsprisingly because of this, his favourite anime is eva LMAO

- He has the most relationship experience out of the 5, having been both with women and men before meeting them. His longest relationship at that point was with a college frat boy (and the fall out was MESSY)

- Him and Troy arent best friends per say, but Troy and him went to the same college. They were accquainted with eachother when Ash got with his boyfriend at the time. When they broke up, Troy had Ash's back throughout the aftermath. I like to think the apartment he's living in currently was sponsered by Troy.

- [He gets an extra one bc he is so special to me] Deep down, Ash is someone that had been hurt so much by his life that he thinks he doesnt deserve to be loved unconditionally. Despite his tough and wry behaviour, he is a HUGE people pleaser; thinking that he needs to cater to everyone as best as he could so he has even a chance to survive.

Dominic:

- Bisexual with no paticular preference

- Prior to being bitten, Dom was an A+ student, a jock and mega popular. Literally everyone who was in the same school as him described him as "a student so perfect, he's almost alien" Despite this however, he was still described as a quiet boy with not much to say. He also got into similar shenanigains Rex did when he was back in Phoneix, but to a much lesser degree.

-The necklace on his chest is a locket! it has his family photo inside and he clutches it when he's feeling reaaally sad :(

- He and Rex are exes and he curently has some sort of weird fling with Isaac. He was the one who broke it off between him and Rex due to personal reasons (depression). The breakup wasnt a big deal initially. But when Rex found out that Dom was Seirei and pretended to be Helgen to date Rex, he felt incredibly betrayed. His feeling of hatred only grew when he realised how much disrespect and contempt he actually had for the clan system.

- He would never admit it upfront but he is a sucker for romance. He has a small stash of romance novels hidden away in a library he visits. He would have thrived on Wattpad.

Rex:

- Pansexual with an m-spec lean

- Shockingly mature when it comes to social situations. This guy is king at figuring out social ques and what is required of him to fit in (he's hopeless in any other fronts of smarts though rip). This is why he was such a vunerable target to peer pressure :(

- As such, this is why he hated Dom so much outside of clan shenanigains and because of what happened during their relationship. Seeing the absolute disrespect he had for his clan yet still being somewhat respected regardless made him incredibly envious and jelous of him. But if anything, he cant fathom how one could live completely alone like that to cope with unlife.

-He got his eye tattoo as part of a dare to see who was the "most hardcore" out of his Phoneix friend group. The dare only required them to get a sleeve tattoo, but Rex took it up a notch by getting a half body and a cheek tattoo to boot. He is really enthusastic about him and Ash getting matching cheek tattoos (which Ash rejects, but he promises that he'll consider a matching shoulder tattoo)

-He says he feeds of junkies and homeless people, but this man will actually try his best to source bloodbags instead when he can. He actually really hates seeing people scream in pain when he feeds bc he feels guilty 🥲

Isaac:

- Gay. gayyyy. fuuull fruits basket. He thinks women are great friends but he would never find any romantic interest in them. He's known this since he was a young teen and had christian boy guilt over it when he found out.

- He isnt as flirty, straightfoward or heartless as one may think from him!! A good chunk of it is a front to hide the fact that he's actually someone who gives way too much shits about people he cares about. His demeanour may not show it but his actions definitely does (Lets Ash in on what's actually going on in San Fran at night so he doesnt find out the hard way, Opting with a more "peaceful" option to overthrow Bishop that instigate a full bloodbath despite his resentment to vampires, LITERALLYYY SELLING HIMSELF OUT TO KEEP LUKA SAFE??). He flirts agressively to tease but he makes you genuinely comfy cozy right after.

- As such, he is suprisingly very easy to tease back. You out-flirt this man he is melting into a flustered puddle in the corner of the room. Ash and Dom have done it multiple times and his flustered expression never gets old.

- He does eyeliner, and has gotten so good at it that he can make a wing with a few swipes.

- Is currently in a weird fwb limbo with Dom where they're comfortable enough to vent to eachother about minor frustrations and fuck nasty, but still too aprehensive to talk about their actual feelings and struggles, as well as set aside their differences (ESPECIALLY Isaac towards Dom). Will they ever figure it out? Who knows!

Luka:

- He's currently unlabelled, but has a very strong m-spec lean. What's funny is that he actually went throgh that period where he becomes homophobic after realising his "gay" tendencies. He only got over this when he started working, and put aside questioning his sexuality completely when he set out to look for David. He's too busy to dick around with whether or not he was lame for liking boys LMFAO

- He is the only one out of the 5 to have a drivers license and a basic grasp on how to "function like a normal person of society". Also the only one of the 5 that had a legitimately established, moderately high paying job (even if it was because of nepotism)

- His previous job was as a photographer for his dad's magazine company! At the side, he also did some modelling.

- He is also extremely enthusiastic about trees and types of trees! Everytime he gets to stroll in a forest he'd lowkey geek out about any tree he finds interesting. While usually whiny about everywhere else, he will never complain about being in nature.

- He doesnt really hate Isaac as much as he lets on; and I like to think he's aware of his acts of service towards him despite having treated Isaac terribly. He holds a considerable amount of guilt for not being brave enough to say sorry and thank him for his show of kindness throughout the year and a half(?) period. He never ever forgave himself when he found out that Isaac went as far as to sell himself out to protect him.

[homoerotic]

im just feeling very demoralized. exceedingly so. i want to be a radiographer so badly. i wish i had known sooner but i want this so so so bad. and i cant help but think the reason i didnt get in this time is due to two things:

1. i had one (1) C on my transcript. in ECON. a class that has no bearing on my major but dampened my gpa exponentially

2. i had a panic attack during the venipuncture lab in one of my rad classes because i didnt adequately prepare myself for it. and i distinctly remembering my professor telling me "if you cant do this you arent cut out for this major" so i bet she brought that up during deliberation.

its not fair man. i dont live at home w my parents, i dont have a free schedule to study constantly. i have so many bills, so many doctors appointments and health issues to handle. i have to take care of my family.

i have such a bad needle phobia that i am actively working on. its bullshit! you dont NEED to do venipuncture as a radiographer! if i was specializing in CT/nucmed then YES 100% i understand that due to administering contrast. but every single nurse and radiographer ive spoken to has told me that learning that is a waste of time for me.

so how do i prove that im capable of handling the sight of needles now? drawing blood =/= seeing patients get their blood drawn/have IVs. they are not the same. i even wrote a whole essay about my phobia for that professor to help her see my side of it all. isnt it enough that im willing to expose myself to this daily because of how bad i want this?

i was fine, REALLY, i was fine not getting in this time. i really was because i was told left and right that getting in your first time is as likely as the lottery. so why does the girl that i see every single week for the past two semesters get in her first time? the same girl that ive constantly had to help through math and chemistry. who isnt confident in any of her homework answers. who needs me to hold her hand all the time through the complicated concepts.

and i know thats not fair of me to be angry at her. i know she works hard. she has good grades. shes in the honors program. but we both have medical experience. im 5+ years older than her. what did her personal statement have that mine didnt? why wasnt i good enough.

i know i am being over dramatic and acting very entitled but i cannot help but be angry and upset over this because i want this SO BADLY. i want this more than anything else and now i have to wait another year for it. a whole year of my life for the next slim chance of being picked. and what if im denied again? i'll be 27.

i want to start my career. i want to help my partner pay for our bills again. i want to stop struggling to survive. but now i have to wait and wait and wait. and i have to bend over backwards this next application period. get more certifications, dedicate more of my limited free time to volunteering. retake classes for a better gpa. spend more money. kill myself faster. struggle struggle struggle.

im so tired. im so fucking tired. im sick of being a student. im sick of college. im sick of feeling this age gap with my peers. im sick of being lonely. im sick of not being good enough. im sick of it all.

[quaranmine]

i posted in the tags about me being more deranged when last life was coming out than i am now and frankly that entire fall semester was. SO MUCH. can we talk about that

-watched third life finale on my first day back at college in the very public student center and had to pretend to be normal about it LOL -the genesis of my jimmy solidarity obsession happened roughly somewhere in here but i could not tell u when i just woke up and was deranged about him one day -last life came out (HELLO? i dont need to say anything else) -i decided to concurrently with last life watch all 116 episodes of jimmy's evo series and document it in on a spreadsheet. you know, like a normal person -MOON BIG STARTED IN NOVEMBER. i dont need to say more -martyn canonized watcher grian lore for traffic seires and i lost it -started writing htbahb -wrote like 2 last life fics, one empires fic, and one moon big fic -became deeply obsessed with empires s1 and specifically cod!jimmy -LITERALLY GRADUATED COLLEGE IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT -was working for [redacted] the whole time on top of it, adding to my constant brain load -cannot stress enough that i never knew if i was going to have a job or not after graduation at any point in time all season so i was constantly in limbo -this was also when the tumblr twitter account decided to do a special promo post for mcyt-cats and link the account on their 1M follower account and i discovered this in the middle of class and, again, had to act normal until i was out of class

like where did i get that energy. i was so unhinged. i spent my 2 hour round trip commutes to college just dissecting last life, evo, and my personal headcanons. every one of my headcanons and ideas for htbahb came from there. any second i wasnt actively thinking about work, keeping my GPA at a 4.0, or graduating college i was thinking about either evo, empires, hermitcraft, or last life.

i dont think i can match that energy anymore LOL

[bitchy-peachy]

A little bit of my room at the physical therapy oncology room I was given. I won't take more pics yet cos I don't have permission and don't wanna overstep (but if the doc says its okay Im giving a tour for those interested in seeing a physical therapy hospital for cancer patients.)

All of the therapists are oncologists too which also impressed me. Like i talked to the head doctor that convinced me to come here and they're both physical therapists and oncologists that started the special physical therapy spa for people that have been paralyzed etc from bone cancers/tumors. Im exactly where I should be.)

So far my room is HUGE that I can easily use a wheelchair and walker without knocking into anything.

Bathroom is also huge so its a lot easier for me to do everything. I'm by myself and there's like 7 other patients so I took the risk and put stuff in the bathroom to have my hygiene products more accessible (although I don't mind sharing my stuff as long as I'm asked first tbh. If I get a roomie or anything. I helped my last roomie out so it was all good)

The only downside... is the food 😭. I think it's my diet though. I have pre diabetes cos when I was on steroids I was craving very sweet things so I was eating butterfingers, chocolate covered raisens AND nuts, bonbons, lollipops, tons of cookies well... I messed myself up that I gave myself pre-diabetes (be careful, you guys. I can't believe it was THAT easy to give myself pre-diabetes. Watch your health so you won't end with a shitty diet like me 😭)

I know they're trying to stabilize my blood sugar so I won't get full on diabetes (cos it can be stabilized. My aunt and grandpa were stabilized and are back to normal again)

But a flavorless, high fiber diet is really ugh. I'll have to suffer through it cos they know what's best and they're basing my diet on my blood work (they check EVERYTHING here. Glad I went to this hospital rather than the local one in my town. The hospital in my hometown is nowhere near this attentive to every detail and plus the social worker in my town hospital sympathized with and sneakily told me to come this hospital cos of its success rate. Heck a number of the staff are survivors themselves so I know there's a high success rate (and they call regularly to check on you so they keep track of you even if you're not hospitalized)

Anyways I waxed poetic enough. I will force myself to eat the bland food cos these people literally have helped me stand up and walk again and have shrunken most of my tumors and I'm so grateful for that although I really hated the steroids, some hold ups, i was ornery. I hate being that way but now after 2 weeks of being off the steroids and stabilizing I feel like such an epic bitch cos I was complaining for stuff that couldn't be helped.

I tend to be a looooooot more patient and laid back than that moody bitch I was displaying.

I worked for years in childcare. I got paid a lot for it too and while I was college I even had a waiting list cos some of the problematic kids only got along with me (I was good dealing with unruly hyperactive ones. Some kids i couldn't handle however, *cough* my younger brother *cough* cos i wasnt an absolute miracle worker but you get the point. By the times their parents picked them up the kids would be well fed and tired cos I wouldn't let up on entertaining them in physical activities like sports etc. Best thing for these kids is exhausting them with activities they like 🤣.

I know I rambled but what I'm saying is that these kids were children others didn't want to take on cos it would take A LOT of patience to deal with their attitudes and high energy levels and I was able to handle them and not get mad (probably cos I used to be an "unruly kid" myself and I know we can change and know what we needed to simmer down)

Those steroids... I know that I bitch a lot about them... I wasnt me AT ALL with those demonic pills. This IMPATIENCE, lack of comprehension skills, like my brain and temperament switched. I mean I'm sassy by nature (to other adults) but this went BEYOND that.

So if you're taking these types of meds... and you see those changes, don't worry cos that's not you and you know it. Once you're outta it you'll realize that. I'm actually terrified now that my mind has cleared and I apologized to some people but they said they've seen it happen to most saintly of people to not be upset (which makes me feel worse 😔)

Anyways dang i talked too much ahahahaha. Wanted to give a big update about this nice new location to help me out (still impressed. Glad i let the head doctor convince me to enter the program, lol) and I'm feeling like my old self every day little by little finally.

[twsthc]

any thoughts on caters family? :3 like anything about them in general

THIS IS A WEIRD SLIGHTLY NICHE COMPARISON but i hc caters dad is like todds dad from twelve forever, but instead of being sporadic and going out with his new wife to do fun irresponsible shit he's sporadic and going out to work all of the time (?)

i also think cater was babysat a lot. some people think it's weird/problematic to hc his family as neglectful (don't have any strong opinions on this) and assume automatically when i hc cater as an osdd1a system it means i think his father is abusive or neglectful-- i don't, the trauma came from the babysitters.

i also hc his sisters overcompensate their dad not being around too much + cater not easily making many friends by force feeding him sweets and stuff, which post-trauma cater saw as annoying and stressful

SOME LESS SERIOUS HCS i think they lived in like the suburbs and had that kind of vibe... they have a crusty ice maker fridge and a front lawn they decorate on the holidays. ok the flip side i think whenever they moved to a city/urban area it would be a high rise or loft or something in a pretty cute neighborhood.

oldest sister #1 ive named regina. because she's the oldest she has more of a serious personality and is pretty stressed from family drama and moving all the time and all that-- basically all the stuff canon cater goes through. she still loves to "torture" her baby brother though, underneath the glasses and white hairs and college applications.

older sister #2 ive named poinciana. i think she's more chaotic but still responsible. she was the one who contributed towards the cater bullying, especially after The Babysitter Incident.

secret baby sister i made up is named lola, she's like 16 and i just added her because i felt like 2 big sisters being exaggerated as having ""a bunch of older sisters"" in game is like... okay? i know a boy irl with 7 sisters. have you ever watched the loud house. YOURE NOT SPECIAL LMAOOO

ALSO i think caters sisters doting wasnt limited to force feeding of sweets!!! i think they made him do tea parties and stuff and forced him into dresses (this is how he found out he's genderqueer/transmasc later on in life).

[teddy-feathers]

I graduated highschool in 09.

I remember wanting to go around topless like the boys as a child and it being akward af when i tried.

i remember making fun of anyone who didn't conform to the norm from my best childhood friend liking pink as a boy to laughing at a boy who told me he was ace in college because that "wasnt allowed".

i remember my parents giving me talks about dating and always being told it was okay if i brought home a girl instead of a boy and me insisting that i was straight because "i wasnt anything special" like being gay.

I remember never being girly but being told Id be so pretty if I just tried.

I remember wishing I'd been a boy as a child to wanting to be one of the boys as a teen to wishing Id been born a gay guy in highschool.

I remember telling the guys who liked me they didnt know what was in my pants to get them to leave me alone.

i remember my best friend testing her girl voice on me for the first time and me telling her it was weird and scared me.

I remember having sex because it was something to check off a list - and then litterally making lists in my head while it was happening because it held no interest.

I remember loving stories where girls disguised themselves as boys and being disappointed when the ruse was discovered or revealed or ended.

I remember hating when people got crushes on me because it felt like my friendship just wasnt good enough.

I remember knee jerk reactions to anything outside the norm and i remember doing and trying things i didnt want simply because they were "supposed" to be happening.

I remember learning about things and feeling small minded and stupid and over compensating.

i remember being jealous no envious of people being trans.

I remember figuring out that being aro and ace were allowed and realizing if i had the words i would have labled myself so long ago and been happy and never gone though the mess of relationships and experiences i did.

I remember waking up every day telling myself that im not special that im not trans because its still happening even though ive never wanted anything more.

"no one labled themsleves or said they were another gender or or or before"

they did

they would have

they didnt but

they were punished for it - in big ways yes but in small ways too.

i laughed at the first person who told me he was ace - im ace

i was scared of my best friend hinting she was trans - im trans

theres so much shit weve internalized. and like i get the knee jerk reaction to people labling themselves differently - people weren't allowed to be these things and even when they were they were considered special (bad) or rare and like were now seeing that it isnt rare its just not been allowed like being lefthanded wasnt allowed

and yeah maybe there are those who are confused or stright up lying. maybe im one of them. but despite what youve been trained to believe its not a bad thing to be special or want to be special

especially in a time where we're trying to change it from special (bad) to normalized.