#and technically this professor won't check all the essays at once

[onewholivesinloops]

i feel so pathetic for not being able to write a 500-1000 words essay when i had an entire weekend bc i can't do anything when i get too overwhelmed from stress and now i'm considering begging for an extension until wednesday u_u

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2669

(nice)

today was a long day. i woke up and ended up getting to work half an hour later than i wanted but technically on time for wednesdays. and then i stayed until 6pm.

during the day, i worked on my essay, the one that's been plaguing me for a while. i just. everything i started to write, all of my notes and everything just came out wrong. i had no idea how to fix it. so i compiled everything into my original notes document, exited out of everything else, opened a new document, and went to town on what i like to call a "bad" draft. when i get super blocked for essays and shit, i go in and i write something that basically says the thing i we'd to say, but that is so fucking offensive and not at all proper words and it gets all of the thoughts out of my head into something that ends up being fucking hilarious.

once i bitched about the character count and all of the points i needed to touch on in my essay, i opened up a new document, put the other in the background, and went to town on the right draft.

i ended up needing to pace around the bookshelves in the middle of the room, twice, at different points, because i had so much pent up energy and anxiety i needed to get it out somehow. it also allowed me to empty my head so i could sit back down and think about what i wanted to write next. i ended up also finishing the bag of m&ms i had - i ate all of the brown, blue, orange, red, and greens first, and then went to town on the pile of yellows left. write, pace, eat, drink, write, pace, eat, drink, write, pace, fill up water bottle, drink, write, pace, write, get distracted, write, write, write. send to chelsie. get feedback. edit. send to person from the school to check it.

and i was finally finished with it.

i also ended up completing the other sections that needed to be done for the application, and i think on friday if the last section isn't finished i'll send emails to my professors to kind of remind them to upload their letters.

then it'll be done.

i have another scholarship to apply for, but i have to find it again, so i can do that tomorrow or the day after. i also need to do my homework.

anyway,

when i was finished with work, i went back to joel's to pick up my stuff to go home. to my great surprise, when i pulled in the driveway joel came outside and talked to me, and he came and sat in the car while he waited for his friend to come pick him up.

he's so fucking relieved to have a job. the crease that's been between his eyebrows isn't there anymore, his shoulders are less stiff, he's been sleeping better, and he's been more affectionate. telltale signs he's happy, that he's less stressed. and i'm so happy for him. i'm so glad that he's gotten a job where he'll be able to work with a friend. i'm glad he's gonna have things to do. i'll probably say "please let me drive you places again" so he doesn't have to pay for ubers but also because i could use an extra $400 a month (that's about half of what he'd pay on ubers, so it's good for me and for him). so we may go back to that arrangement. it'll let me have gas money. but also? even if it ends up ALL going to gas, that also includes MY life of doing shit, so two hundred dollars of my regular paychecks would be freed up for other bills, since the gas is already taken care of.

that'll be nice. give me a good schedule to stick to. both of us.

and speaking of money, i think i have a plan for my first paycheck for next month, in terms of christmas and a passport and spending money for the cruise. passport first. christmas gifts. credit cards. phone. following paycheck can cover my car payment and car insurance, and have a little for spending money for the cruise. i just won't have money for january or february bills. so i'll need to ask for help for that. and i feel bad about that, but i don't have a choice. i also need to find a way to pay for classes and i need to schedule my hours at work and schedule classes for next semester. this semester was about 5k. next will be about 7.5k. anyone got money they don't need that they can give a broke college student? no? didn't think so.

anyway, if you couldn't tell, this scholarship i'm applying to would change my life. i desperately need it.

god, i'm a broken record. between money issues that are constant and the gaping wound in my chest where riot fits, i really can't say anything else, can i? fuck.