#and tbh. if I had gotten a dollhouse my brother probably would have destroyed it. he broke all the toys that I liked the most

[running-in-the-dark]

sometimes I think about the way my mother views gender and it's just. so confusing

when I was little, I wasn't allowed to play with Barbie dolls (or any other fashion dolls/dolls in general really). I was only allowed "neutral" toys (like Lego and Playmobil). we did also have lots of cars and stuff like that, which apparently are neutral too. I got one baby doll (still have her, actually), and a relative gave me a Barbie doll once (so my mother couldn't say no). later I had two more Barbies, those were probably in a bag of hand-me-downs from my older cousin.

my brothers were allowed to have long hair and wear dresses. but I had to have long hair and wear dresses. I asked my brother to cut my hair off when I was about 11 because I was so tired of it (I was allowed to get it cut by a hairstylist for the first time after that! because it was horribly uneven lol).

I think it really boils down to: my brothers were allowed to do and be and play with whatever they wanted. if they had asked for dolls I'm 99% sure they would have gotten them. but I had to be this, I don't know, this perfect version of a little girl that my mother wanted.

girly in the right ways (long hair and dresses and only dressed in the old fashioned style that my mother liked, because that's cute). but not girly in the ways that my mother disapproved of. I had to be smart and good at school, but never be difficult or ask for help with my homework. if I didn't immediately understand something I would be yelled at (the one time I asked my mother to teach me how to knit comes to mind... that was a horrible experience).

I had to be quiet and well behaved - but I wasn't, at least at home (because I was a child! children aren't supposed to be quiet all the time!), and that was constantly used against me - while my brother was incredibly loud and active and never sat still (to the point of disrupting class constantly), and that was a good thing and he got praised for being so fun and outgoing.

I don't know. there's really no point in writing this, I guess I just need to vent. I'm getting into doll collecting now, and it often makes me think about this stuff.

it's just so infuriating to think about. like - I was absolutely obsessed with interior design and I loved IKEA more than anything, and still I never got a dollhouse or anything like that. I would have LOVED that. I always got books about how to make dolls and doll furniture from the library, but no one ever encouraged/allowed me to actually do any of that. I just remember that feeling of reading about those things while knowing that I would never be able to actually do any of them.

well, fuck that, I'm an adult now and I'm getting the pretty dolls that I want and I'm gonna build a cool dollhouse and lots of furniture for it and I'm gonna be so happy about it 😠