#and tbh i don't think i've tried it since my early 20s

[cinematicnomad]

19 & 29 :)

019. the veggie you dislike the most? rutabaga. have you had rutabaga? it's fucking awful and one of my dad's favorite root vegetables so we ate it on a regular basis while i was growing up. it smells and tastes like death.

029. preferred pasta noodle? i am a sucker for classic spaghetti, and i will sometimes use it even when it is not the optimal pasta shape for whatever sauce i'm making. rigatoni or orecchiette are also peak pasta shapes.

weirdly specific and unrelated asks to know someone well

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sexual assault and rape tw

I'm 22 years old and I've been having some trouble with the discovery that I have a rape fetish. I've known since 2022 but I still feel intense shame about it and there's so many things about it that scare me. I've also been wondering if there's a way to just stop feeling anything sexual? that'd save me some trouble bc then I wouldn't have to think about this ever again

I'm a bi woman. I only figured out I'm bisexual last year and before that I thought I was a lesbian. but then I learned how to masturbate and I realized men were a part of my fantasies — I was in denial for a long time and even thinking about being with a guy would make me feel despair and cry for hours back then. I still feel bad about it nowadays but at least I'm not in denial anymore. I've never had trouble understanding that I like women and whenever I fantasize about women I don't feel negative emotions during or after masturbation (even if I end up fantasizing about rape). but when I fantasize about men I always feel upset afterwards and my fantasies with men are *always* about rape/sexual assault. I don't feel a lot of attraction to men's bodies, I just feel attracted to the idea of them sexually assaulting me or raping me, y'know? so even in my fantasies with guys I never think too much about their body. actually, I prefer it if the guy is super old and I don't feel any positive emotions about him

in hindsight my attraction to men is definitely tied to sexual trauma. since I was a child (and specially when I was a child) I've been sexually assaulted by boys and adult men. they'd touch my genitals and make me touch their genitals or hold me in place without letting me go. there was also the usual butt slapping. I even forgot about what happened with a specific old man for some time when I was 9. when I finally remembered what happened and told my parents about it they acted as if it were my fault and I had wanted it. but, like, no actual rape happened. so is this even enough for a rape fetish to develop?

and my experience with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – I remember thinking that women were like servants and needed to be submissive. I tried asking my mom about it when I was 10 but she just got angry at me and told the rest of my family I was asking about inappropriate things and accusing me of wanting to do inappropriate things

I think all of these experiences are the reason I started having rape fantasies (well, I suppose they were just sexual assault fantasies back then) with men as a child (I remember the first ones starting when I was 7 and they kept happening up until I was 10). I remember thinking that it was how it worked and how it's meant to be for women. I'd feel disgusted afterwards and eventually, in my early teen years, I stopped thinking about this altogether. I didn't know what any of it meant but it made me uncomfortable so I didn't think about it at all for years. but then I learned how to masturbate when I was 20 and I had to force myself to think about everything that happened bc I needed to understand why my brain works the way it does. it seems pretty obvious in hindsight but it took me a long time to understand what all of it meant

anyway. I keep thinking about maybe trying something with a guy to see how it turns out bc everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from? and does all of this mean I like to be assaulted? it feels so good when I'm fantasizing about it that I get scared about how I'd react if it happened irl. I keep wondering if I would I like it too and if this means I liked being sexually assaulted as a child? and sometimes I get excited when I think about *actually* putting myself in a dangerous situation with a guy I don't know. I'm scared (but also excited by the thought) that one day I will actually do it.

tbh I wish I could just like vanilla stuff. or just not feel sexual attraction at all

hi anon,

you've given me so much to work with here and I am DELIGHTED, so let's take this bit by bit, answering your questions/curiosities in order as much as possible.

generally no, there's not really a way to turn off sexual feelings. a lot of people find that they get supremely un-horny on antidepressants or other mood stabilizers, but that's a side effects that's hardly guaranteed. the most reliable option would probably be a lobotomy, but that's a bit drastic so let's not do that.

this is a bit beside the point, and I certainly can't tell you what to call yourself, but if you'd rather be a lesbian you can absolutely be that. there's a huge difference between liking the idea of a very specific type of sexual situation with a fictional man and actually being attracted to real men, and it really doesn't sound like actual living breathing real men hold any particular allure for you. I know this isn't the biggest issue her by a longshot, but I do just want to say you can absolutely call yourself a lesbian if calling yourself bisexual isn't sparking joy. the only truth is what feels best to you.

there's no such thing as "enough rape" for something to traumatize you; any amount of sexual assault is sexual assault (and your parents are shitheels for implying that you, a child, were somehow responsible for that, btw). and while there's no quantifying how much assault is enough to "count," it's worth pointing out that exactly none is required to "justify" a kink - there are people with rape fantasies who will never experience a single act of nonconsensual violence in their lives, and that's just as fine as people who eroticize sexual violence in response to their own trauma. being horny is a morally neutral act.

at a guess I would say no, this probably doesn't mean you like to be assaulted; very few people do. and no, it certainly doesn't mean you enjoyed being assaulted as a child. even if you did enjoy some aspects of whatever was done to you, that's a.) beyond your control; arousal isn't a process that needs your permission to occur. lots of people orgasm while being sexually assaulted, which certainly doesn't mean it wasn't assault and b.) that does not in any way mean that the person or people who hurt you are absolved from blame for abusing their power over a child.

listen: even people who do enjoy getting roughed up or hurt in some capacity generally have to do at least a bare bones negotiation and provide some level of consent to get there, meaning it is fundamentally different from someone jumping out of the bushes to assault you like a villain of the week on SVU. I really enjoy getting tattoos, but I'd be understandably horrified if someone tackled me on the street to start sticking needles in my body without permission. likewise, a great deal of BDSM enthusiasts would be extremely unhappy to be flogged or whipped without warning by someone they didn't agree to do that with. context is everything, and the ability to control your scenario really, really matters. (I just said a little bit more about that here.)

if you do want to explore consensual nonconsent IRL, please emphasize the consensual part - find a sexual partner who understands how to negotiate a scene and with whom you can negotiate boundaries and opt-outs ahead of time, rather than a stranger you genuinely don't feel safe with.

[katyspersonal]

Tbh being in this fandom helped me to recover my love for drawing?

I've always loved to draw, since early childhood, and I've always picked bright colors and put too much thought and detail into drawings! Like, I wasn't yet six years old and my ways to draw were already showing xD

Things started to go sour since maybe 14, because it was when teachers noticed my talent and started to exploit it to make me draw shit for stupid school events -_- It was also when I started to draw digitally, so, posting my art online. It became an obligation I was not even compensated for irl and a strong stress of "getting audience" and "improvement" online. And it was a very long timeframe of drawing with how my art will be received in mind. I think I've temporarily lost originality as an artist when I've got on Tumblr, even. Because I tried to chameleon to ideas, trends and styles of everyone else. It's been YEARS.

But joining this fandom forced me to abandon my fixation on reception. I've never gotten my art side-eyed and disliked so much in my whole life. I've heard pearls like "You don't have a talent (as an artist) and it is cringe that you say you do", "I don't like how you draw people", "I think you should focus on writing, you are way better at it than at visual art", "Only people who can't draw would enjoy your art" - and none of these came from haters! A lot of ignoring, a lot of visible and obvious irritation from a fan of [character] because I've drawn them "ugly", pity liking because they don't like my art but like me as a person, nothing good to say about my art besides "well you've put a lot of effort in" etc. It just became obvious that my art doesn't fit in Soulsborne fandom. Everyone here are talented, studied artists with academical skill. When they aren't, their style is appealing, simple, anime-ish and pleasing for the eyes. And then there is me lol

The thing is, whereas I had multiple episodes of wanting to delete all my fanart from socials, wanting to give up on art altogether, starting to hate my art myself because others hated it and avoiding looking at other artists' blogs to not face the humiliation of how much more love they get compared to me... I waded through it.

I came out of it a stronger person, that learned to love drawing only and ONLY for the heck of it. I've noticed that I really just like drawing, because it's fun. Because I want to see some drawing, not because someone else might. I was forced to grow up, except.. I wasn't? I could have given up on art like I "wanted" to! I knew some artists in Soulsborne, mostly 16-17 but not only, who gave up on drawing (at least for this fandom) or straight up abandoned their blogs because of facing similar snobbery regarding their art styles! They were similarly very detailed and "inconvenient", to think back on it. 🤔 But I am here, right? I didn't even do the bare minimum of trying to "fix" my art style to be more "appealing", I just continued drawing the way I like to.. and tbh, the way I used to love drawing back in childhood returned. Long ago before internet, "content", "platform", "relevance" and all this stupid shit that defeats the point. I am lucky to get 30 notes on fully colored fully detalized drawing, 20 of which are friends or mutuals, but I just stopped caring? I am drawing for the heck of it, so many years later, again?

In general, guys, I don't know who needs to hear this, but if you are dealing with ignoring, snobbery, taunting or all at once as an artist, I really recommend you to endure through it and not give up. Eventually you will naturally become strong and self-sufficient! The best way to learn to not rely on anyone else's approval is to actually not be given this approval but continue. The joy of enjoying the drawing regardless of whether your art is liked by others is a wealth much bigger than popularity

[kdval]

I wanna know about Roland? Tell me about him🫣

Hello, Mara! Thank you for asking!

Oof, I'll try to be brief. can't promise tho muwahaha Roland is one of the main POVs in my fantasy/teslapunk novel that takes place in an alternative world, set in ~1900. Once I decided to recreate him in CP to show him to our dear @imaginarycyberpunk2023 (and ended up with creating Lara as well bc they're inseparable in my head and I need to feed my brainrot lul)... so here we are!

In the novel he's a beast hunter, an orphan raised by non-human beings — Presences (you probably know one of them already — Ha'al). Actually, in his youth, he started with hunting people on Presences behalf (only bad people, I promise!), but then they decided he's not suitable for this kind of job and made him a beast hunter instead. At the beginning of the story Roland's been hunting for 20 years and is preparing for the early retirement. He's a captain of a small squad – only three people currently. He's convinced that he's good for nothing but hunting (since it's the only thing he has done his entire life). So his whole arc is basically about him finding a new purpose in life (which ends with meeting Lara).

Roland is stern, stoic man who only opens up with his friends. Despite this he's very talkative, philosophical even. He's from poor village family, and although Presences taught him manners, he can be rude, sharp-tongued and doesn't bow before aristocracy. Roland is an exceptionally good gunslinger, who has some little but useful non-human skills. He's also a one-lady type of guy, and he and Lara are... well, basically they're soulmates (it's a bit more complicated in the novel but let's call it like this for now).

I've been working on this novel for five years already so I don't quite remember where exactly this character started... But I would say Roland is a wild amalgam of different fantasy and non-fantasy characters. He has the dignity and loyalty of Aragorn; the reflection and thinking of Erich Maria Remarque's character; some details in his behavior, appearance, and facial expressions are from H. Jackman’s Wolverine (maybe even his Van Helsing too yeah I love this guy). And some other little details from typical western heroes.

As for his PrEtTy PuPpY fAcE... I designed him long before CP, here's this crude piece of "art" (haven't finished it yet):

Keeping in mind these type of characters as the prototypes:

Not completely sure what I'm gonna do with him (and others) to fit him into CP setting tbh... Either I'll try to make an AU to my novel or simply continue... just shooting pics 🤔

I tried to be as comprehensive as I can but feel free to poke me for more info if you want 🙃

[shannonsketches]

I just saw your decade-old Ganondorf and Nabooru comic on my dash and am feeling pretty emotional about it too. I remember seeing it on my dash back when nobody liked OoT Ganondorf and thinking “thank GOODNESS someone is still feeding us starving OoT Gdork fans”. Thank you for being so in love with him and the OoT Gerudo all this time ;A; . I hate saying “some of us have loved him forever”, because that’s not the point at all. The point is that he really did have the tiniest fan club back then so every single work stuck out and remains so memorable and meaningful to me (and I’m sure to others), so I really wanted to give you this much-deserved shout out and thank you. You were posting quality OoT content since the dark ages — so thankful for you getting me through my early 20s in the LoZ and Ganondorf fandom, essentially. 😭

I don’t think people realize how important artists are especially for fans who couldn’t invest the time to produce fan content themselves. Unfortunately it means we don’t get to see exactly what we want to, which is totally fair and is the sacrifice one makes for having to focus attention elsewhere, but it just makes those artists who DO produce the content we’re dying to see that much more dear. I hope you never lose your passion for this fandom, because we really love your work and really appreciate your dedication to it 😭.

P.S. Thank you for drawing his long-ass OoT nose since the beginning too. Other designs are lovely too, but that’s really one of the defining traits of OoT Gdork to me lol. I love the way you draw him. It hits so right.

I don't even know how to respond to this, oh my god, this is SUCH a kind message. I didn't realize anyone was really left who followed my work back then, and it's so wild and endearing to hear that you did!

God it WAS a dry well back in the day, huh?? I feel like it was just like me, crazyfreak, and like two other artists posting what we could back then. It's so cool to see how popular Gan is now. ;v; They tried so hard to overwrite him in 2011 and he said "I lived, bitch ✌️ Nobody can do it like Me" (Remember how it was customary to put the latest 'Ganon' design in Super Smash but in 2017 despite Ganondorf not appearing in any game for over a decade they went back to OoT Gan instead of using Demise? The most validating moment of my life tbh.)

I've lost my steam many times, for many reasons, but Gan and this fandom have a permanent place in my heart, even when I don't have the time and focus to make stuff for it. This is so kind and you are so sweet and I really can't express how much it means to me to hear this and to know that my little fixation back then meant so much.

Thank you. <3

[princess-dirt]

Long Rant, please ignore... or don't

Growing up, my mom would tell me how handsome I was, how I'd have to be careful with girls because of how many I'd have to deal with. She told me this as early as elementary school.

Of course, she couldn't have been more wrong. I grew up with undiagnosed adhd and likely autism. I had social anxiety and horrible self-image issues. I never cared how I looked, but hated how I looked. I was socially awkward and could barely talk to girls. That's to say very few girls ever approached me.

I was thinking about this, and only now have I really connected the dots. The patriarchy and heteromormativity of the world fucking sucks. Like I grew up and every good thing about my appearance that my mom would say never materialized. No wonder I suffer so bad from self-image issues. I had my mom pushing it down my throat that I should have a girlfriend, but also to be careful of girls, but also that they'd be all over me, but also that I have to make the first move since I was a guy.

I think the worst part about all of this is that when I was in high school, the lack of any romantic relationship really fucked with me mentally. I already had a pretty shit childhood, so it was frosting on the cake. It got so bad I fell down the alt-right pipeline and was a few months away from becoming an incel.

But I watched MLP. This show was the first time I was ever really taught empathy, and it changed my life. Fast forward senior year, and I've been experimenting with how I look. I have alt and queer friends, I'm learning about myself.

I spill my heart out to my mom about everything and how trapped and hopeless I felt about relationships. Like 20 minutes she listened to me. I was crying and desperate for any bit of advice from my parent.

"So are you gay?" My mom asks sounding almost annoyed.

Which leads to me begging her to listen to me and to take what I am saying seriously.

"Well, how do you think I feel?" She says now sounding angry.

This same conversation happens a half dozen more times. Each time I become more desperate for any hint my mom cares at all.

"You just need to approach them and be nice."

"You should try harder."

"Are you calling me a bad mother?"

"I didn't raise you this way!"

Now, both of my parents are brainrotted by Fox News. My dad is mentally ill while being the most toxic man ever, never being emotionally available for me ever. My mom still thinks I just need to try harder and that girls will just throw themselves at me. Her state of delusion is horrifying tbh.

It sucks because they will both die never having known their son. They'll die never knowing I use he/they, never knowing I'm pansexual, never knowing I crossdress, never knowing I cosplay, never knowing me, the pansexual nuero divergent femboy. And I don't feel bad over it.

I know my story about this kind of shit is way more common that I'd like. I've seen tik toks with very similar events I've mentioned with 100s of 1000s of likes and comments.

To think a generational gap could have such destructive consequences. My only solace for this is that I was able to overcome their horrible parenting.

It seems to me that as each day passes, the only way I'll remember my parents when they are long since dead is the mental scars they've left. I hate it, but I love my parents. They tried their best, but their best failed me and my 3 brothers horribly.

Anyways, back to watching Vampire Dormitory. It's a gay ass anime about some twink and a vampire.

Edit: finished episode one, the Twink was girl. I feel so betrayed.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for shooting my brother several times in the chest and then cursing him?

ok. so uhh important context. i (132 with more gender than you can hold in your silly little brain) and my brother (134M) are both immortal—vampires if you wanna get specific. this all happened like 20 years ago but he's recently told me he's still upset about it so i wanna clear this up and apologize if i gotta.

so a bit of context for our relationship: we had a bit of a falling out early on as kids (around.... idfk , 8? 10? we were like super teeny) and have never really been close since. i turned at 14 (result of a few bad life choices) and i accidentally turned him just a bit after that (he's understandably still pissed at me for this, but like also i was like 14 dude i did not know any better). thennnnn he moved out basically on the spot and i didn't hear from him for decades.

next time i saw him i think was at our dad's funeral? he ignored me when i tried to reach out so i left it be. he's always been reserved and shit but he seemed.... uncharacteristically depressed and isolated about it.

after that, about 20 years ago, i found out that he's been killing people to survive cause he doesn't know how to just make connections for food like a regular ass person?? anyway no judgement we gotta do what we gotta do but like, i gotta stress that this dude has the biggest fucking stick up his ass you've ever fucking seen. he has been aghast at me for wearing clothes with the word "slut" on them. or like. idk tanktops and booty shorts. he's sneered and condescended at me before for just like. playfully calling my friends names and shit. so this was like a pretty huge surprise to me. but it was definitely him.

so, like any good little brother would do, i confront the bitch. i go back to the supposedly-abandoned shabby ass building i saw him leave from last week, follow him carefully for a little bit and go "hey dude what the fuck is up with you. are you fucking ok my guy."

so then he says he doesn't wanna talk to me. which like yeah fine. i get it we don't have a good relationship. so i tell him like yeah, i know i was shitty to you but i'm all the family you've got at this point and i'm fucking worried for you. he tells me it's none of my business. fair ig. i comment that he looks kinda malnourished cause honest to fuck at that point he looked like a tall bag of bones. he says to leave him alone but the cracks in his voice leaves me kinda worried that if i do that he'll just fucking keel over and die? like the dude is wobbling all over the place, barely keeping balance trying to walk in a straight line. so i go uhhhh nnnnno, i don't think i will. and like i know it's kinda not my business but he just. looks so fucking miserable and pathetic and tbh... he's kinda all I've got left too.

so i ask when he last ate and he's like "a couple months ago" in a tone that's like, he thinks that's something to be proud of?? and i'm like . dude that sounds like an eating disorder. (for y'all reading this that don't know vampire biology, a little bit a few times a week is healthy. a moderate amount once a week is reasonable too but less common. every other week is already a problem. over a month is basically just self harm and causes health issues and shit.)

then he gets realllll defensive real fast and shouts at me that it's not an eating disorder, and if it were then it's my fault anyway and he didn't choose to be like this. so i say like, yeah that's fair, that's on me, but like please just. check out a blood bar or something. or like ask your friends? or even my friends cause like, i have connections and can find him reliable food. if he'd just let me help. like you don't have to like me or forgive me i just want you to live, dude.

so theeeeeen he tells me that "maybe he doesn't want to". and i'm like dude........ i'm not gonna do fucking nothing watching my only brother starve himself to death. i tell him that i know he's killing people and that it's not like him. and he doesn't have to. i can help him. he tells me, "not anymore." says he doesn't plan on eating ever again. so I'm like "ok............. yeah that makes no fucking sense at all im taking you to get food like Right Now." he didn't like that, as you can imagine.

....but then. he pulls out this fucking knife

and I'm like what the fuck is that, equal parts exhausted with him and afraid. it's got runes on it so i know it's enchanted. he tells me it's enchanted to cause unhealable wounds, and it's the only thing that can kill a vampire. i ask him where the fuck he's going with this, he says that he doesn't plan to make it long enough to need to eat. i tell him that's insane and there's no fucking way im gonna let him off himself in front of me. he tells me i can't stop him and moves to fucking slit his own throat right there, so naturally i uhh panic and . shoot him. several times. with a regular gun though, so i know he'll be fine with some rest, but it definitely still hurt so i do get why this would be an Asshole thing to do

.... and then once he was incapacitated i brought him to my most reliable witch friend, and had xem curse him to not be able to harm himself. and disenchant the knife while xey was at it. and like usually that would go against my values, cause... like it should be within his free will to hurt himself, but it seemed like he was in serious danger so i freaked. i bribed some of my friends into feeding him and after a few months got rid of the curse, and now our relationship isn't too bad, but he mentioned still being upset about the whole thing recently so i just wonder if this was really an asshole thing to do after all. so, aita?? ive said sorry about it but we haven't like talked in depth about how he felt or anything.

[certifiedbitch777]

New Year, New Me?

Entry Date: 2/2/2024

I am currently 23 years old. The age I always hear carries the most tribulations for our early 20s, which has pretty much been my pain point as I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Shocking, I know, right?

Before I got my current corporate job, I had so much passion. I want to try out everything in life. I wanted to be a writer, dancer, singer, actor, psychologist - Shit, I even tried to do IT because why the fuck not? I had so much energy and drive I felt like I could conquer the world. And yet, here I am now, and I have no passion, interest, or drive. I'm literally just floating in life right now, not knowing what the fuck to do next.

I'm in survival mode, to be honest. The only thing that is hardwired into my brain is the goal of getting this shmoney.

Despite all this, I still feel lazy since I have no ambition for anything outside of money. My mind is plagued by what I should and shouldn't do and all I can land on is 'I don't fucking know :|'. 

Regardless of this unclarity and lack of ambition, I only want a clear sense of direction. I want to get going already, but I don't know what steps to take. Again, I understand I'm only 23 years old, but still. I need that clarity to take action on a path I know I will be satisfied with, but once again IDFK.

There's no way around this phase at this point; It's inevitable. The only thing I guess I can implement is going on a deep assessment of my life (once again) and reviewing what is and isn't working for me. I've just been avoiding doing this because it is tiring and tedious.

Fuck, maybe I'm just being lazy.

I mean, tbh, it isn't fun; It just sounds like a load of work.

Damn, I think I'm lazy...

I mean, they say it takes 30 to 60 days to break a habit. I'll start looking into my bad habits and see what I can get out of that. 

Here's a list of my current shitty habits that I'll be challenging:

Sleeping before or at midnight: My sleep schedule is terrible for a variety of reasons, but I want to start sleeping before midnight to practice better sleeping habits. For reference, I typically stay up until 3am despite working in the morning.

Waking up before 8am: Okay, so this is mainly to be able to study for my permit (Yes, I'm 23 and don't know how to drive. Who's gonna check me??) and work out. This will also allow me downtime after work (5pm).

Consistent Oral Hygiene: Okay, before y'all supposedly clean freaks call me gross, I'm not saying I don't brush my teeth. I do, and twice a day at that, along with using my Therabreath mouthwash. I just need to be consistent with flossing, specifically at night. I've been getting better at it, but I want to implement it into my daily routine.

Taking Daily Medications: I suck at consistently taking my mood stabilizers, as it just makes me feel dreary and sleepy throughout the day. Since I stopped taking it consistently, my mood hasn't been the best. Needless to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Working Out: I've been athletic for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, I've been on and off and want to get back to having a snatched waist with a phat dumpy. I'm already comfortable with my current size, but to be back in shape wouldn't hurt. I think I'll be sharing my journey with pictures every so often so that you guys can have a realistic peek into my journey.

Eating Habits: I need to eat healthier, PERIOD. I don't have the worst eating, but it's terrible for me because I'm very impulsive with food and suffer from an eating disorder. I have toggled between binging and starving myself many times in the past, so I want to try to find that sweet spot where I can eat healthily and not feel deprived to the point where I binge.

Prioritize Health: Both physical and mental. I suck at this and, at times, can let work take a toll on my everything. Last year almost broke me, and I don't want this year to be the same. I need to be happy and healthy. No comprising at all.

So yeah, that's my list. Once again, I'm just going to point out I am a lazy girl and I have terrible habits, however, I do want to make a change because I'm really tired of this loop.

I want to reach all of my financial, personal, and career goals this year so badly. The good thing is I have some steps to outline what I need to change. The challenge is pushing through to get the end result :\

Anyway, I will most likely post my initial progress for my journey for working out and do bi-weekly check-ins to track my progress.

This may sound corny, but New Year, New Me?

[rielzero]

I can't find any concrete information on any of the main companions ages, but given that most headcanons put ages pretty close to each other, I might just make my own headcanon on the ages, just so that If age is mentioned in my comic I can be specific. This is me just going off from my own interpretation of interactions and supposed life experience. Please know I am not an expert and my opinion may be flawed, weeeh. I might miss vital information.

Astarion: 200+, immortal. it would be inconsistent to assume he was with Cazador exactly 200 years, it could've been 197 for example, or 202, we simply don't know the exact amount. The dates in the game and grave are unclear, some sources state Astarion is 350, while others say he is 239... I think Astarion would be the kind of guy who avoids giving you his exact age, either due insecurity or simply because he doesn't know anymore. Elves stop aging physically for a while around 20, so he might've been much older than 39 at death.

Gale: 30-35? I'm picking 34. He looks pretty young, 29 wouldn't be too far fetched? greying hair early is genetic. His speech pattern and expressed experience within life makes me think 33 or 34 is a safe bet. Tara and family keep urging him to have kids obsessively, so mid thirties makes sense.

Karlach: 28-32 Suppose 29 fits best. Karlach mentions she was ''a kid'' when she was given to Zariel, so she was either 18-19 when she worked for Gortash, and she focally expresses her pent-up ness with her sexuality in the hells, I think she must've at least have had some relationship experiences in Baldur's gate before Gortash ruined her life. She was enslaved by Zariel for 10 years.

Lae'zel: 24. Stat! Most folks say She's 20-22, but I think 24 would be closer. She's young, but also somewhat more experienced in life. As for social situations and awkwardness, that may be more a cultural difference, in her culture kids get trained from a really young age. They kill each other as a culling too, so not much of a childhood to go on there.

Shadowheart: 48-50 I'm sticking to 48. As a half-elf, her appearance stops aging beyond 20 for a while, she sounds more experienced in life, but often lacks memory to fill in the gaps to why. Which explains some of her behavior and interactions with other characters. She comes off both young / older at times due this. If you look at her mother and father's appearances, I'd say 10 year old Shadowheart was stolen by Shar's cult. So her mother must've been stuck there for about 30+ years. If her mother was 30 when shadowheart was 10, then she would be in her sixties, which matches her appearance. But this is just my guess. Wyll: 24-35 Oh? I think he's 29 tbh. From what I've seen, Wyll had the widest range of age guesses from others. People put him either close to Gale's age, or much closer to Lae'zel's guessed age. I think he's closer to Karlach's age, so I'm sticking with that. Wyll has a lot of life experience- he's been super busy, but he's mostly been on his own since 17. It's not super clear to me for when Wyll went out as blade of frontiers if he had made much friends on the road- I think he just went from place to place or wherever Mizora sent him to, so he didn't stick around anywhere for too long? He's socially confident, but not used to being around a variety of personalities for too long maybe? He tries to see the good in everyone because that's his default. He's a good guy! But he's also nuanced as a monster hunter. (Else Astarion would be dead the second he joins, lol.) Edit: Wyll is confirmed to be 24! He became a warlock at 17, and his origin intro mentions he was exiled 7 years ago, which means he's 24 during the start of the game.

Halsin, Jaheira's Minthara's and Minsc ages are pretty much confirmed, all being older than the main companions. Minsc is a bit of an odd case, given that he gets frozen in stone(?) Every once in a while so he can come back. Jaheira mentions that he does not mentally process that the world around him changes, he thinks people don't change as a result. Minthara's life experience has been influenced by with her culture, but she also mentions she's been around for a WHILE, same as Halsin. Halsin is not super familiar with city life, which surprised me personally. Druid been around for a while but cities ain't for him.

[purplesurveys]

1719

Do you still read the newspaper or have an online newspaper subscription? I have to check the news everyday for work purposes. That's multiple websites of newspapers, their social media accounts, and online magazines.

What's your favourite kind of meat? (vegan/vegetarian options count!) Chicken. I only like pork as pork belly tbh, and steak for me is always a hit or miss.

Have you ever been mistaken for staff at a store you were just visiting? Maybe once or twice; it doesn't happen often. I've been mistaken more frequently as someone's companion. Like people will think they're talking to their friend when it's me.

What's the coolest or most memorable animal you've ever seen at a zoo? The Philippine eagle, but I don't really get *amazed* per se when I see 'cool' animals at zoos. I just feel bad.

Do you share a bedroom with anybody? No. My sister and I tried to share a room once, but it lasted for all of a week because she hated sharing a room with anyone lol. The room also felt super cramped so we quickly decided it wasn't going to work.

What colour are the public buses where you live? We have these white mini-buses that'll pass by here every now and then, and they're white. The bigger buses that traverse Edsa are white and yellow if I'm not mistaken.

How often do you pay your utilities bills? I'm not assigned to any bills in particular, but I transfer to my parents' accounts twice a month. I let them decide how to allot the money.

What video game have you played the most hours of? If you don't know, just make a rough guess. I would guess The Sims 2; that or GTA San Andreas.

Do you own a two-piece bikini? I only own bikinis; I hate how one-pieces feel.

Is there anybody else in the room you're in right now? Nopes.

What have you got within reaching distance of you right now? My phone, my McDonald's orders, pillows, chargers, blanket, work chair, vape.

What have you been craving lately, food-wise? Anything non-food? McDonald's. I overordered last night because I was hungry so I got all my favorites lmao - a triple cheeseburger, large fries, and nuggets.

Is your short-term or long-term memory worse? My short-term memory is horrible; it comes as a disadvantage especially at work and I wouldn't blame my co-workers if they label me as forgetful.

Do you do anything in particular to help you fall asleep? I need to have videos on with the volume at the lowest setting. To avoid draining my battery I have a timer set so that when it runs out my phone will automatically turn the video off.

What was the weather like today? Too early to tell; it's only 7:20 AM. Right now the sun is out but I also wouldn't be surprised if it suddenly rains super aggressively later on in the day as that pattern has been happening lately.

Who will you see within the next week? My dentist, and I am guessing Angela, Hans, and Reena. We've been dying to go to the karaoke these days and I think we'll finally get to next Monday as it will be a public holiday.

Do you have any guilty pleasure music? Anything you're willing to admit in this survey answer? Idk if there's any? I don't feel guilty about anyone whose songs I like.

What was the last movie you watched that was over two hours long? It's been so long since I watched a long movie. It was probably either Titanic or Gone with the Wind.

Speaking of which, what's the longest you think a movie should be? I personally think most movies are too long. It depends on the plot and execution, so I'm not very nitpicky when it comes to this. If a movie needs to be 7 hours long to get its message and art across then so be it.

Do you know anyone who is a medical nurse or doctor? Yes so many people. I'm Asian (aka kids are pressured to be doctors) and Filipino (aka a heavyweight in nursing), so it checks out hah.

Have you ever worked night shifts? If so, did you like it? I have not. I once scored a job interview that would have been a night shift if I got the gig, but at the last minute I decided I didn't want to be in it so I didn't push through with the interview.

Are you good at fixing computer problems? I'd say just basic ones but I'll struggle with even those sometimes, so for the most part no. I leave the troubleshooting to my sister.

Do you tend to make decisions by following your heart or your head? Head.

What's the population of your current city/town? A little below one million.

Do your parents live in their hometown(s)? Nope.

What are you wearing today? My favorite purple pajamas.

Are you one to accessorise a lot? Not at all.

What language other than English do you know the most words of? Filipino.

When was the last time you ate? Did you eat something nice? I'm taking a few bites out of my cheeseburger every now and then this morning. Like I said, I overordered McDonald's last night because I was hungry LOL so most of the shit I got is still here with me today. The only thing I finished last night was the fries and that's because there's no way you can save fries that have gone cold.

[dwtisgay]

i think this fandom, myself included, has a blind spot when it comes to any bbh knowledge so this is interesting to read! how much do you think the others know about him? like no one knows anything or if there are tiers, say skeppy and dream know some stuff and the rest nothing? i'd take a whole essay tbh you're like the bbh biographer

thank you its fun to share my knowledge about this sphere since I've spent so much time over the years collecting info and I've picked up a couple things here and there I theorize that skeppy's knowledge from 2018-20 is very limited and that it wasn't till 2021 that he became a bit close to bad but even then the extent of that was narrow as for the dteam I'll also touch on that briefly because it is connected to the skeppy things but its harder to tell with them just because they've known bad for a decade now and even he isnt that good at keeping things secret

skeppy didn't know where bad lived (if i recall this clip is from end of 2019 early 2020) even though he has made videos centered around buying and sending him items and they've been friends for a year by then

funnily enough this is one of those moments where skeppy exposes bad most likely isn't in Florida

in the drunk stream, in the same vain, he asks chat if they know bad if bad is straight or not there are multiple streams and clips of skeppy asking bad innocent questions and bad dodging and obfuscating to the point that skeppy just starts going "oh you're avoiding it again" in an annoyed tone bad's mcc coins go to skeppy because he refuses to give scott his address, skeppy cant send them to bad because I assume he still doesn't know where he is, or bad wants skeppy to keep them and then there is this

timestamps for 1:41:50 when the topic is first brought up, later expanded on at 3:01:00

we know bad has his saturday streams but he always tends to start those streams late because he claims he overslept! this stream we find out the reason he oversleeps is because he is actually waking up at 5 am every saturday and this is news to puffy, but skeppy and ant seem to have known about this for a long time but they don't know WHY he does it, bare in mind skeppy has been friends with bad for 4 years, ant has been friends with him for 9 years

later on after bad does go to bed at 3:01:00 the topic is revisited as they try and guess what the fuck does bad do at 5 am on a Saturday

bad is a chronic late nighter so this whiplashed puffy

skeppy says

"literally every friday he has to go to bed at like this time because he used to wake up at like five in the morning for something and he won't tell me what it is"

if you watch this clip through youll note that skeppy is used to this behavior while puffy is incredulous

puffy then asks him

 how? you talk to bad every day and he doesn't tell you what he does on saturdays???

and he replies

no but like that's the thing like he'll tell me like anything else but he won't tell me why he needs to wake up that early on saturday like you know when you ask him a question he doesn't want to answer it so he's like and then he doesn't answer it oh my god that's like the saturday question i'm still trying to find out i'm like investigating

ant is pretty quiet throughout this but he also doesn't know, but this really puts into focus how skeppy and bad have interacted throughout the years, skeppys rough boundary play never really went away, sure they've set some no go zones by finding them out the hard way, but things like what bad does on saturydays or evasive questions, to skeppy are games that he wants to find out and grow closer to bad by bad then JOINS BACK at 3:04:00 I assume because he was worried about the topic of discussion

after bad joins he claims he wakes up at 5 am to drink coffee with people, ant then tries guessing if he knows what it is and bad avoids answering him then skeppy jealous of ant's knowledge asks him to confirm if ant got it right and bad said ant only guessed Something right

so what does this show us? the people who have known bad for 9 years dteam included are not immune to bad's dodgyness but they have an advantage of having known him for so long that they have picked up things he drops here and there skeppy has only known him for 4 years and seems to be active in trying to figure out bad as opposed to munchymc crew who have just been passively picking up knowledge

there are a couple inconsistencies like I do think dream at least has to know bad's name for legal purposes because they have a merch deal together, and I do think skeppy does know bad's name by now because he was also going to do a merch deal with him but anything else? fair game, no clue what they would know and what they wouldn't know

[theexecutionerssong]

Hi gaëlle can I ask you something really weird/too personal and I don't really expect you to answer idk guess this anonymous inbox is just a good way to write things I've never dare say out loud: have you ever had sex or to frase it different how did you know you're asexual? Cause I think I may be too but I also know that if I would say that people would tell me its just an excuse for still being a Virgin at 22 wich is obvs abnormal.. Idk I just never knew what's so special/appealing about it

Hey, let me preface this by stating that this blog is a safe place for discussion on asexuality. And that my own experience is not universal but I’m cool with discussing it. Just keep in mind that my life isn’t yours!

First, it’s not abnormal at all. I know a lot of people who have never had sex at your age and older, and the whole pressure / expectation to have sex when you’re in your teens is bullshit. It’s not even representative of reality. A lot of people do yes, but since I’ve started talking about it openly, I’ve had many people on social media or IRL come forward to talk about this and it’s more common than you think. It might be different than what was presented to you as universal truth but it doesn’t make you abnormal.

To answer your question, I’m not too sure how/when I knew. I never really saw the appeal either, but friends were doing it and it was pushed in my face in every show and book and movie and song so I ended up having sex in my early 20s just to see what the fuss was about. It was just boring. Not always, I’ve had sex with people and it was good because I cared for them and their satisfaction made it good, but most of the time I’d just be thinking about a book or something.

I felt the same before my first time and after, just vastly indifferent about it all, and then after a few years I stopped having sex altogether because it started making me uncomfortable. It’s been years and I don’t miss it, I feel better about myself that way. I still experience desire sometimes but rarely for another person. The one advice I can give you is that you shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into it. Not a partner, not a friend, not family, not society. Having sex will not make you more or less asexual than you might be. If it’s who you are then it is, and societal pressure and expectations do not get to decide for you. And if it turns out you are not asexual, then it’s all fine too. No harm done. You don’t need to have sex to prove or disprove it to anyone, even more so yourself.

PS: ever read “yeah sex is great but have you tried.....” posts and thought that the thing was always more appealing? Cause thinking back, that should have been a clue for me tbh 😄

[fizzyeggg]

i should really actually post my art on this site either way i'll still answer this lol

1. ms paint, used to use it before i moved to aseprite, paint.net kinda counts but i do use it sometimes because the magic wand tool in it is cool

2. left or right is equally easy for me, but forward? hhGRGAAAAAAAAA

3. i like to remaster a lot of really really old drawings i made on ms paint (because i got a computer wayyyy too early), only one i can think of off the top of my head is the mushroom guys

4. humans are just bitches to draw in general. hate those things

5. i keep literally all of it to myself

6. adventure time's art style tends to creep into some of my stuff, also eyes are a weird motif in a lot of my art that i just kinda throw in because it's the first cool pattern i can think of

7. sculpting man... HOW do they do that?? i've tried it before but i can't touch clay without proceeding to just squish and knead it for an hour instead of making anything of value

8. oh i got a ton of those. deltarune missing link (the discarded vessel having spooky shenanigans in the void), a deltarune swap AU i came up with where papyrus switches with susie, rouxls switches with ralsei and other stuff, deltascryption (deltarune/inscryption crossover spritecomic) so mostly deltarune stuff. sorry deltarune

9. batshit insane. i crawl to my computer like a dying rat and sift through hundreds of files titled shit like "743567hgrgh", "cheese" and "glumbo go glumbo go glumbo go" only to find the one i was looking for, titled "scrunk table" which is just a bunch of pvz fanart

10. i hate drawing clothes, but overalls are fun i guess

11. usually my playlist filled with STRANGE and EVIL music, but this board game podcast my dad listens to (called ludology) is also nice

12. most of the human body sucks but can i choose bug body parts?? a thorax or abdomen perchance?? pretty please?

13. this is hard to answer since most creators i admire are My Thing so instead i'll say My Thing is absolutely whatever the hell bep/anne and squimpus mcgrimpus' vibe is, their art is the goofiest coolest shit and i love it so so much

14. EYES EYES EYES EYES EYES EYES

15. in my cave, on the puter

16. i don't really know tbh, my motivation for anything is because it's fun

17. i mean if i happen to have food there yeah. which i usually do, and it's usually dried fruit, nuts and/or cheese because i have the diet of a pet rat

18. HAH!! GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY!!! THINKS A DIGITAL ARTIST CAN "BREAK THEIR ART SUPPLIES" HAH!!!! (i have accidentally snapped a drawing tablet in half once please don't ask)

19. impossible triangles man... i care them

20. BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS

21. as a pixel artist i really like people who can pull off 1 bit / two colour stuff and i do want to try it at some point

22. NONE!!! (my dyspraxia grows worse by the second)

23. i have artist friends who draw normal, sane digital art and cry as they realise they've drawn on layer #7769 instead of layer #5443. they work on a new inch of their drawing and open up another layer, catapulting the total into the millions. as their tired eyes look upon me, they ask "hey how many layers do you use" my face contorts into an evil smirk "ONE" they cower and scream at my raw power

24. yeah, i probably don't notice though

25. okay... d-dwarf fortress?? it's all CHARACTERS what do they MEAN by this

26. okay so i was drawing my evil lesbian lady "Dr. E. Vile" and she has a bunch of arms with cartoon gloves on them i have no idea how five separate friends of mine said "I like her chef hat" THEY ARE GLOVES WHERE DID IT ALL GO SO WROOOONGG

27. my warm up drawings tend to be me going "time to draw the Thing", and immediately creating the most wretched abomination known to man, so abhorrent in its anatomy that i have to start over entirely

28. nope. too much pressure man WAIT I WAS IN A RAIN WORLD THING https://youtu.be/jBu7gOwtYSY?t=1628 LOOK MA I'M ON TV

29. this is a weird way to answer the question, but i DESPARATELY want to draw in a similar weird and 'unfinished' type of style that stuff like yume nikki, ENA and INTERFACE have it's just that i have no idea how to actually emulate it, like how to create that specific uncanny/eccentric vibe well

30. hahahahahahahahaha (they all are)

Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game

Didn't see a lot of artist ask games, wanted to make a silly one.

(I wrote this while sick out of my mind last year and it's been collecting dust in my drafts, I might as well let it run free) 1. Art programs you have but don't use

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

3. What ideas come from when you were little

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

9. What are your file name conventions

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

12. Easiest part of body to draw

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

14. Any favorite motifs

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

23. Do you use different layer modes

24. Do your references include stock images

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

[southsidestory]

@dimigex said: I'm so sorry this happened to you. Reviewers suck sometimes. I hope things get better in real life, and take all the time you need to get back to writing / posting ♥

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️ Things are improving, I think.

@ohmybeatingspark said: I am so sorry to hear that people are fucking assholes. Tbh FFnet is too troublesome these days and feel like the people who read there are very young (like 15-early 20s). I would stick with AO3. YOU ARE AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND FUCK THE HATERS.

Thank you so much!! I've come around to a "fuck the haters" mentality since I made this post, and it's been good for my soul and my mental health lol. However, I'm sorry to report that while the harassment on FFN has dialed down it has ramped up on AO3, because apparently we can't have nice things.

@ohmybeatingspark said: Also, side comment, I rarely if EVER go to FFnet to read fic unless I’m super desperate. Generally the audience is not the best there and I notice WAAAAAY more spelling and grammar errors in fics on FFnet so that’s why I avoid lol

God's honest truth: Except for my old favorites that aren't cross-posted to AO3, I haven't read a fic on FFN in YEARS. I hate that site with a fucking passion.

@applesauce4131 said: I’m so angry. Why the FUCK would someone read something labeled “angst” and then walk in and complain about it?? Ugh. People are so so dumb! Chin up buttercup. I’m reading your update right now! And I’m gonna heap on some love! 😘

Thank youuuuu! Positive comments outweigh the shitty ones, and (at least for me) nothing helps soothe the irritation of an asshole reviewer better than the balm of a glowing comment lol

@rottenbrainstuff said: Ok I haven’t read these stories, I know nothing about these characters, but sweetie these reviews say so much more about the reviewer than they do about you. I just... I don’t even know what to say, I know nothing will make it sting less but seriously just, this person is nasty and shitty.

Oh yeah he's a piece of work. I've since identified him, and he's just garbage. Like, a trash bag leaking foul-smelling juice, but with legs lmao. Thank you for being so supportive. ❤️

@bl0wthatpieceofjunkoutofthesky said: I haven't read the fic but you know what? "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all"! I realise you're having a very difficult time and you're struggling so my advice would be to stop posting the fic on ffn and post it on ao3 instead, where the reader base is a bit more grown up. There are dicks everywhere, I know, but maybe you'll have more positive feedback...

The sad thing is that I tried that. I posted the last chapter of this fic to AO3 without cross-posting to FFN, and apparently painted a target on my back by doing so, because the harassment only increased, it just changed venues. I deleted 8 or 9 hateful anon comments last weekend, and I think 5 of them were on AO3. I ended up turning on comment moderation after I deleted 3 in the space of 4 hours 🥴

@titaniumblender said: I am IRATE rn, like this is so ridiculous. I absolutely love to leave your love behind and its turning out to be one of my all time fave ss fics, you're so talented!! If these dicks on ffnet can't appreciate a literary masterpiece when they see one they can fuck right off. And CLEARLY they know nothing about Sakura's character if they think she is OOC in this fic, her characterization is flawless.

asdlkjghkdljgd THANK YOU SO MUCH 😭😭😭 I'm so glad that you're enjoying TLYLB that much! And especially Sakura's characterization, because I'm being very careful with that aspect in particular. And yes, they can fuck right off into the sun! 🖕🌞

@lavenderlilacs2 said: That person's review is trash and barely understandable... Your writing is excellent and not ooc at all! Keep doing you, girl!

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate that 😊

@maripo5 said: I'm sorry that some people don't know how to have at least respect for an author. You generously share a part of yourself with us and you should in no way be subjected to this type of abuse. It should be very simple, leave a positive comment, leave a constructive criticism if requested or allowed by the author and simply do not read if the text is not your cup of tea. Please do not forget that you and your writing are appreciated, stay well

You're 100% right on every count. It's so easy to just walk away if you don't like something. I truly don't understand this phenomenon of harassing fanfic authors, and sadly, it only seems to get getting worse over time. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope you're staying well too ❤️❤️❤️

@kuppincakes said: Sending you so much love, care, and appreciation. Some people are just The Worst and I’m so so sorry and mad this happened to you.

Thank you, friend. I'm sending all of those positive things back to you as well, plus some *hugs*

@mikaberry said: Sending you all the good vibes I can, you are a wonderful and brave person and the person who wrote that review is miserable. Please take care of yourself, take all the time you need to heal, us, your followers wish you the best. Thanks a lot for sharing what you write with us.

That's so kind of you to say. I've been very sick since this happened, but I've been treating myself gently and things are looking up, and I hope to have more to share soon! 😊

Whoever left this review is frankly a fucking monster.

I begged people not to do this. I BEGGED folks not to leave me any mean reviews, because of what I'm going through personally. I said in my author's notes that I just got out of an abusive relationship, that I've lost my precious dog, my home, my financial security, basically my entire goddamn life. That I'm unwell. That I'm struggling. That I truly cannot take any more bad things happening, so to please please please just say nothing if you don't like my writing. You don't like this chapter? Just don't review.

And still. Someone felt the need to say this.

You want to know why writers stop posting fanfiction? This is it. This shit right here.

I'm so upset, y'all. Seeing this female character I love, whose story I'm crafting based around my own struggles with being ace, and the pain that comes with enduring unhealthy, unfulfilling sex because of it called a SLUT is just... more triggering than I can express. I can't stop crying. This is just the very, very last thing I needed.

So the update I promised next weekend is on hold. Idk when I'll be able to post it. And I'm seriously considering never posting to FFN again. I know a lot of y'all primarily read Naruto fic on FFN, and that's where my audience is largest, but 99% of the cruel reviews I receive happen there.

I'm tired. I'm so, so tired of sharing stories that I've poured my blood, sweat, and tears into being met with cruelty from strangers on the internet.

I realize this is a personal post, but feel free to reblog it. Fic authors keep talking about how cruel reviews drive us away from fandom, and it's something that readers need to pay more attention to.

[llatimeria]

like uhh. i actually find the job Itself okay, i feel like I'm actually pretty good at it, but there's definitely some aspects I know for sure I'm always gonna struggle with and also my coworkers get a little shittier every day. we've got:

general manager: like if a token gay character was a real 30-40y.o. man. this is not a knock against him by any means i definitely feel way better not being the most flamboyant gay person here. he can be pretty nice but also reflexively distrustful and rude, and idk if I just haven't been jaded about customers /enough/ yet or if he really is jumping the gun sometimes? sometimes its 300% reciprocal and deserved but other times it really felt like the customer was being a little shit because gm escalated it first.

both a pro and a con simultaneously but he's very direct and straightforward about performance, which is nice because i know for 100% he does actually like me and think i'm doing a good job, but also makes reprimands hit pretty hard lmao. i keep getting told to use my phone less, which is . genuinely a very fair complaint I am on my phone a lot. but I'm on my phone a lot because I get bored very easily and when I get bored my brain starts to scream. he doesn't know that though

he once admitted that he was written up at a former job for caring too much about bad reviews, which made his former bosses look bad? so that was a. uhm. (from an outside perspective it sounded like he really took some shit personally when it was not personal and. dude i can relate but. dude)

also his boyfriend works here (not as his direct employee, thankfully) and bf is super nice and friendly and I love him but gm is kinda weird to him sometimes and i don't know how reciprocated it is ;__;

front desk manager: early-50s very religious christian woman (She takes saturdays off for religion reasons which made me think SDA, the same breed of christianity that my parents were raised under, but she's not vegetarian so??)

she's Very customer service minded in a way that makes me feel like she may be a stereotypical karen when outside work. thankfully doesn't actually take bullshit, like the guy who started yelling at me for telling him to commit rape or something (i told him he couldn't use the bathroom), but has. an energy about her. much more trustworthy than my gm though. actually probably the one i have the least problems with tbh. she's like an aunt i'm on tense but overall positive terms with. in an oddly specific way i mean literally the more i think about her the more im reminded of one of my aunts who kicked out my gay cousin when he came out but grew as a person since then and now they're on good terms again and she can be alright. thats the kind of vibe. christian woman who would kick out a gay relative but realizes that it was stupid and no one actually cares and is able to make amends about it

front desk agent 1 (works the shift after me on weekends): early-20s (younger than me, but not by much) bi/pan/poly (dunno exactly, that's just what i've extrapolated from conversations one shouldn't have at work, we havent swapped gay cards or anything) woman who, on paper, should be my best friend here but she gives me a Vile energy. I think she either clocked me as neurodivergent or thinks I'm younger than her (i am very small and can be a bit babyfaced) or both, so she treats me like she's giving a school tour to a visibly disabled classmate and going sooo slooow to make sure they can keeep uppp :) and I'm probably just hyper-sensitive to that kind of treatment but it makes me go absolutely insane. it makes me feel SO patronized.

alternatively sometimes I wonder if she's accidentally clocked me as a weird conservative or something, despite the fact that she's like the only person I've had actual political conversations with where I tried to flag how left-leaning I am without being too explicit, because sometimes I really feel like she thinks I'm stupid and isn't talking to me on purpose

front desk agent 2 (works the shift after me on weekdays): this isn't his fault he's actually alright sometimes but he is deeply reminiscent to a kid who bullied me and my friend in 7th grade science class, both in aura and appearance, and i'm pretty sure it is not him but the association is hard to shake and he's got this "one of the guys" connection with the other straight dudes who work here that makes me want to throw up when I'm alone with him and die if I'm alone with him and one of the other men at the same time. he hasn't actually been anything but cool to me personally or anyone else ive seen so he's probably the one i dislike the least but also the one on the thinnest ice. i am like 1 gross comment away from hurling on him

Maintenance guys: I don't know them too well but one of them is in the aforementioned "one of the dudes" group and the other one is just kind of an idiot. i once overheard this exact conversation:

MaintenanceGuy: Yeah, I don't feel too good because I got bit by a rat yesterday [and got some vaccinations after]

FrontDeskGuy: How'd you get bit by a rat?!

MaintenanceGuy: Grabbed it.

same dude apparently took several days and perhaps even a couple weeks to fix the clock in/clock out machine, which took the unfathomably large effort of unplugging it and plugging it back in.

anyways a lot of them whine about each other behind each others backs, especially the managers about the housekeepers. its like the environment is Housekeeping vs. Front Desk sometimes and it's not a very cooperative environment at all. a lot of the behaviors and dialogue makes me look around for a fucking reality tv camera, like its almost TOO good, very melodramatic shit and its just like. hold your fuckin horses guys it is Not that personal it is Just a hotel calm doooowwwnnnnn

ive been contemplating whether or not to quit my job all day and since im so inexperienced in the Real World I feel like i need some reality checks lmao