#and talking about how the ‘universe’ brought them together because they both believe that kind of thing

[wuxian-vs-wangji]

Some details from the LITA special novel:

Sky and Pai

Pai sells his condo immediately after the assault in ep 13 and buys a new, larger one in a high security building.

Pai loves seeing Sky cry. Not in a mean way- tears of happiness absolutely preferred- but he is deeply touched that Sky has recovered to a point where he is now able to cry again.

Sky's father realized Sky was gay after the assault by his ex in high school, but they never talked about it. Sky was scared to bring Pai home because he didn't know how his father would react.

Sky's dad knew the moment he brought Pai home that they were dating. He asked Pai to take good care of his son and always accepted Pai as a son-in-law. He loves seeing how well Pai takes care of Sky.

Pai doesn't like Sky being around his (Pai's) family PURELY because they're obsessed with Sky, and he ends up completely kidnapped by them (Golfing with dad, shopping with mom, galleries with the siblings, etc.).

Sky resists moving in with Pai throughout his university days, just to be closer to school during high-stress times. Still, Pai's condo is their main residence.

If Sky is put in danger by his new friendship with Graf (Pakin's boyfriend, who is frequently targeted by Pakin's enemies), either Sky is taken immediately to Pai, or Pai brought immediately to him.

Sky does not believe he's attractive or cute (even though Pai tells him he is CONSTANTLY), but he is damn well aware he's amazing in bed and confident in that.

If Pai and Sky are apart for more than 2 weeks (because of Sky's work or Pai's business trips), they both start going a bit mental (leading to a very hot video chat).

Sky and Pai get married around 8 years after the events in Love in the Air.

Sky is now a professor of architecture at his old university.

Sky and Pai babysit Pai's niece/nephew, but don't want kids of their own (though they leave that as an 'unless we change our minds' kind of thing).

The vows they use in "Wedding Plan" are actually lines Pai says to Sky that Sky later paints into a portrait of Pai with his bike.

The wedding planning service they use in "Wedding Plan" is one Pai approached first to plan a surprise anime-themed birthday party for Sky.

Rain and Payu

Payu told his mom about Rain after their first night together, and he and Saifah both shared stories about him, but no one ever told Rain.

Rain wanders downstairs in his undies one night and Payu's mom is just THERE. She pretends not to know who he is and disapprove of him while force-feeding him porridge... she and Payu are the exact same flavor of tricksters who enjoy seeing Rain anxious.

Strict no-sex-outside-of-the-bedroom rule put in place by Rain because Saifah once caught Rain riding Payu on the sofa and teased him for days.

Rain is not afraid to stand his ground and put Payu in his place if he thinks his man is wrong. He may leave the fight for morning, but he won't bend if he doesn't agree.

Rain ends up working for a top architecture firm (maybe the one Payu used to work for, unclear) and takes on bigger and bigger projects.

Two years after starting his own firm, Payu asks Rain to come be his work partner (he asked before the firm opened, but Rain wanted to gain experience so he could be Payu's equal).

Payu cried when Rain agreed to come work with him because they were both so busy that they barely saw each other anymore. Now, no matter how busy they are, they will still be together.

Rain and Sky

Rain blames himself in part for Sky being assaulted again by his ex, and won't leave Sky's side at races unless Pai is there.

Rain and Sky still hang out constantly and are thick as thieves.

They befriend Pakin's boyfriend Graf (at Pakin's threat/request), and Pakin softens towards them somewhat in gratitude.

Rain is nearly stabbed in a bathroom by someone who mistakes him for Graf. He's saved by Sky and Chai (who was secretly following).

Rain and Sky frequent the races and bring their own snacks and candy, every guard and repeat guests know them and greet them on sight.

Thanks to Sky and Rain, the dangerous, illegal, underground street races have more of a carnival atmosphere. Pakin doesn't care, so long as the rules aren't broken.

Pai and Payu

Still involved with the races, no matter how busy they get with work.

As much as Sky and Rain hang out, Pai and Payu also meet up in their spare time with others who are or were involved with the races (mostly former top racer Oat).

If Pai wants to plan a surprise for Sky, he will go to Payu's house and borrow Rain to help scheme.

Payu is the official-unofficial tutor of the young ones. If Sky seems to be struggling with a concept and stressed out, Pai will call Payu for help.

Payu and Pai both leave Sky and Rain plenty of space to be individuals. All of them have their own friends and go places they want to go, then come tell their partner about their adventures.

[thefallennightmare]

Just Pretend-Twenty Two

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut, star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: PHASE II comes to an end! Strap in everyone, PHASE III is going to be a smutty ride.

FUCK YOU. EAT SHIT. KILL GOD. DETHRONE.

We are Fallenvvitch. Goodnight.

🪽🔮

Collaborating With: @thescarlettvvitch(better give her all the love as well)

Tags: @thescarlettvvitch @ozwriterchick @waake-meee-up @notingridslurkaccount @niicoleleigh @sammyjoeee @xxrainstorm @dominuslunae @notmaddihealy @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @iknownothingpeople @writethrough @thebadchic @blackveilomens Claudia on Tumblr @tobe-written @blacksoul-27 @loeytuan98 @loverofagoodbeard @comfortcharactercraze @lma1986 @plutonikchaos1 @spicywhenspeaking @lyschko666 @somewhere-diamond @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @koskeepsake @bngurngheart @shilohrosechicken @emzandthevoid @casangel1986 @qualityvoidcollectorsblog @myownthoughts12 @jilliemiw86 @bellaboo967 @halloweenaesthetic @collapsedglasshouses

NOAH

I let out a long sigh as I ran my hands over my thighs, the green couch becoming a familiar place for me. Even the dying plants on the shelf behind Dr. Poulos brought a sense of comfort. She had her book open on her lap, tapping her pen against it. 

Three times.

She always tapped it three times. 

“You seem happier today Noah,” Dr. Poulos noted. 

I nodded. “I am. For the first time in a long time.” 

“That’s great,” she smiled warmly before she used her pen to point to her hair. “New look?” 

“Uh, it kind of happened. I didn’t expect to cut my hair, it’s been long for so many years now, but I felt with what happened I could use a change. But it still might be too long for my liking. I might cut it some more,” I said. 

“Hm, typically that’s a sign of some growth. What happened?”

For the next few minutes, I filled her in on almost everything that happened at Chase’s birthday party, leaving out the intimate details between Y/N and I. Although, with the way my cheeks burned red, I had a feeling Dr. Poulos already knew. 

I explained from top to bottom everything from the last time Y/N and I  spoke to the night she told me she loved me back. Even saying the term ‘I love you’ was a huge step on the mountain for me. But to have her say it back? I’m finally catching up on years of sleep. Y/N loves me. She fucking loves me back. 

“Do you believe her?” Dr. Poulos questioned. 

“I do! I do, I love her with all of me,” I answered with a stern nod. “I just don’t know how to stop worrying about Y/N leaving if shit gets messy or if I don’t live up to her expectations. There’s this perception of me out there and even so, I don’t want it to taint her or us.” 

She sat straighter in her chair. “Noah, you’re putting too much work on yourself. You really are. You’re both heavily aware of who you are as people. You’re human beings.”

Dr. Poulos adjusted her glasses and took some notes before speaking again when I remained silent.

“From everything you’ve explained; you both seem to be willing to start over. Start with a new slate, the situation at the party seemed to have changed the situation from both of your points of view. I have homework for you.”

I playfully rolled my eyes. “Oh, but you know I’m busy, I don’t have time to do homework. I haven’t done homework since I was 15.” 

“Not that type of homework,” she chuckled. “What I’m saying is now that we’ve set the foundation regarding perspective, energy, and intention, we can move on to what to actually say to Y/N about your unmet needs and your fears of emotional and maybe physical abandonment.”

She went into each definition thoroughly as I sat with my hands resting on my knee, listening intently.

“I wouldn’t go that far. Abandonment? That sounds silly and almost too serious. I don’t know about that,” I said once she finished. 

With a sigh, Dr. Poulos shut her book and set it on the table between us. “Noah, we’ve been seeing each other a while now. It’s my personal observation you indeed have conditions hindering you from this. It’s why you’re having a difficult time communicating and allowing this new slate to happen without fear.” 

To be frank, I didn’t want to hear the entire gist. All it did was give me flashbacks of things I wasn’t comfortable dealing with. At least I thought I wasn’t prepared to handle it, I suppose I was now. I knew I needed to have a prosperous and healthy life, as well as one with Y/N. 

“Noah? Noah, are you listening?”

I blinked a few times. “No, I’m sorry, can you repeat what you said?” 

“Every satisfied emotional need breeds connection and deepens your bond. Therefore, every unmet need has the opposite effect. It breeds disconnection. This happens because when your needs aren’t consistently met, it produces anxiety in you, which leads to conflict, which, if not handled skillfully, breeds further disconnection, and on and on. The cycle is never-ending.”

She spoke so softly, so calmly while I sat there with my hands in my lap so desperately trying to get into what she was saying to me.

To be blunt? This was a-fucking-lot.

Dr. Poulos tucked a strand of hair that fell loose from her bun to behind her ear. “Noah, you and Y/N must erase any confusion or doubt surrounding your needs. Learn to powerfully communicate your needs using a simple yet powerful template, and overcome the two most common barriers to having your needs consistently met.”

She handed me a piece of paper to which I took it from her hands and began to skim over it while she kept talking. 

“I offer suggestions for what to say, but they are merely suggestions. The goal is that you speak from your heart and express your truth with love and gentleness. I have a worksheet for you, review it. Think about it, and see what you can come up with. Practice in the mirror.”

On the drive leaving therapy, I thought back to my entire session with Dr. Poulos. It all seemed so silly, so corny. It did. However, I had to put my ego aside to let myself take in the seriousness of what was in front of me. I didn’t want anything to destroy my future with Y/N, hell even me just as a man. I had to do this.  

To realize I’m not powerless and finally take charge of creating the loving dynamic that I for so long struggled to have and keep.

Maybe this week away in the house Bad Omens rented would help clear my mind and I could practice this worksheet she gave me; when I wasn’t busy recording the new record. 

Instead of going straight home, I had to make a quick stop at Y/N’s place. As I knocked on their apartment door, I waited not so patiently with excitement in my veins. Malcolm opened the door with Salem in his arms.

I clapped my hands while stepping inside. “There he is!” 

Chase snorted from the living room as I took Salem from Malcolm. “Clearly, Salem will be fine while we’re gone.” 

“Y/N isn’t getting him back so easy, I hope she knows that,” I scratched Salem between his eyes; his favorite spot. 

“Oh, by the way,” Malcolm started while handing me the bag of Salem’s things. “I know you guys have a couple hour drive to your rental house but Salem hates the carrier. He’ll most likely move around the car before settling into someone’s lap.” 

“Have you guys thought about buying him a harness and leash?” I suggested. 

Chase sucked in a breath. “Do not tell Y/N that. She won’t even let Salem sit in front of an open window because she’s afraid he’ll jump out and run away.” 

“Speaking of Y/N,” I adjusted Salem in my arms. “Is she home?” 

“No, not yet. Do you want to stay and wait? See her before we leave?” Malcolm offered with a smile. 

I looked at my watch and internally cringed. The guys were waiting for me to get back from therapy before heading out towards our rental house a few hours away. 

“Shit, I would but I have to get back home. Plus, I don’t want to push her. I want this to happen naturally,” I said. 

Chase snorted, now standing next to Malcolm. “Yeah, okay.” 

“I’m serious,” I chuckled. 

“We know, dude. But, you could always-.” 

“I have to get back home,” I said, interrupting Malcolm. “But I’ll text Y/N later.” 

“Okay,” Chase says in a sing-song voice, belting out the last few words. “Whatever you say.” 

I cringed, covering Salem’s ears. “Wow, almost as good as me. Except, my ear drums are probably fucked now.” 

“Oh fuck you, Mr. Steve Perry meets Cher. I can sing,” he held his hands up. 

“No, you can’t, love” Malcom left a kiss on Chase’s cheek. 

He looked between us with a wild expression. “WOW! Taking his side!?” 

“Well!,” I adjusted Salem and the bag. “That’s my queue to leave.”

“Figures, thank you for taking care of your new cat,” Chase said.  

“My new cat?”

“Salem Sebastian L/N, that’s pretty much his name now,” Malcolm said while throwing his auburn-colored hair up into a messy bun.  

I hastily shook my head. “We haven’t even labeled it yet.” 

Chase and Malcolm shared a look before the former spoke. “Oh no, we’re not doing this again. You and Y/N are two peas in a pod, and I know how badly you both want to be in that pod.” 

“Especially with that new haircut,” Malcolm nodded towards my short hair. 

“Okay, I’m leaving,” I bid them goodbye with a nod and turned on my heels, stepping through the door. 

“Bye Salem’s dad! Talk to you later,” Chase called after me. 

On the drive back home, Salem was perched in my lap with his front paws resting on the door, his wondrous eyes taking in every sight I drove past. 

“You know,” my voice broke the silence. “I guess your uncle isn’t exactly wrong, Salem. I mean, I could be your dad. Do you want me to be your dad? I think you do.”

He then positioned himself so he could curl up in my lap, his soft purrs vibrating against me. 

NOAH

“Are you guys ok with steaks tonight?” Jolly asked from the kitchen. 

Matt, who sat next to me on the couch, nodded eagerly. “We’ve eaten like shit the last two days. A nice home-cooked meal sounds delicious, thanks, honey.” 

Jolly flipped him off with a smile before going back to getting things set up for dinner. 

Nicholas and Folio were talking amongst themselves on the couch next to the one I sat on, but the conversations fell on deaf ears as I continuously scrolled through my phone. The last two days, we’d been locked away in the rental house recording the new album and now, we were taking a much-needed break tonight, opting to grill out and have a bonfire; Jesse and Michael joined us earlier today. 

The guys and I have been talking about this for a while now and after the incident right before we left to come up to the mountains, it was time for us to put this idea into motion. 

Also, the picture I saw on Y/N’s Instagram story minutes before had me set in stone with my decision. 

“We need a bigger house,” I blurted, nearly scaring Salem as he slept between Matt and me. 

Jolly nearly dropped the raw steaks while Jesse turned towards me from his spot at the kitchen table. 

“That’s random,” Michael said slowly while pausing his mixing at the laptop station. 

I shrugged. “We’ve been thinking of moving anyway because of the notes on the car incident and now with that fan showing up on our doorstep, I think it’s about time we move. Too many people know where we live.” 

My three roommates shared a glance before Jesse spoke next. “I mean, we have been browsing Zillow lately. A few have come up that we liked.” 

Jolly agreed with a nod. “I’ll send an email to the realtor who was working with us before. See if she can get us set up with some tours.” 

“Tomorrow,” I said. 

“Kind of last minute, don’t you think?” Nicholas asked. 

“We’re going to be busy for the next few months. I’d rather get this shit done and over with.” 

Matt, who was scrolling through his phone next to me, snorted quietly. “I’d suggest looking for hardwood floors or tile.”

I turned toward him while narrowing my eyes. “What?” 

“For the paint spills, it’s easier to clean,” he said while showing me his phone; Y/N’s Instagram post up on the screen. “Look at your face! You’re totally turning turnip fucking red!

With a bashful smile, I scratched my chin. “No, I’m not.” 

“Noah and Y/N sitting in a large tree because of Noah’s height! K. I. S. S. I. N. G!”

I shoved Matt. “Fuck off.” 

Then I turned back to my roommates. “We need a bigger space with seven bedrooms.” 

Jolly quirked a brow. “Seven?” 

“Uh,” I ran my hands over my thighs. “Y/N wants a studio for her art, her paintings. I want to make sure she has one.” 

Michael smiled. “Well that certainly is a grand gesture isn’t it?” 

“It’s something I want to do, man,” I defended. 

“I know, Noah. We’ll find a bigger place, it’ll all work out,” he reassured me. 

“I hope so.”

Jolly paused prepping dinner to send an email to our realtor, Jackie, as we all spent the rest of the night searching for different houses that would be perfect. All the while, Folio’s phone conversation rested on my ears. 

“I know those Mexican candies are your favorite, Michelle. Why do you think I sent you them?” Folio chuckled with a wide smile. 

“Noah,  it’s almost ten!” Nicholas called from the deck outside. 

The patio door was open, letting in the cool night air, and I was helping Jolly clean up the mess from dinner. Salem sat on the counter, every so often licking up the leftover food from the plates I was washing. 

“Shit,” I cursed, quickly drying my hands, and pulled out my phone. 

However, before I could send the nightly text to Y/N, one from her appeared. 

Angel 🪽: I love you, mochi. 

Jolly peered over my shoulder. “Oh, that’s adorable.” 

I playfully stuck out my tongue at him. “Someone is nosy.” 

My fingers worked fast to text Y/N back. 

Me: I love you too, angel.

Part of me didn’t want to stop talking to her yet so while leaning against the counter, I scrolled through the videos folder on my phone, selecting the one I took earlier today. It was when we finished mastering The Grey and I was feeling great about how it came out, confident that Y/N would love it so I recorded Salem as he slept during it. Before recording another video of me singing it. 

I sent her the first video I took; the one of Salem lying on the couch while The Grey played in the background. 

Angel 🪽: Hi Salem baby! Mom misses you! Also, I hear something in the background. Is it..?

I decided to mess with her and not come out right and say it was that song. The one that she gave Jolly the lyrics to. The one she thought was too dark for herself. 

Me: He’s napping. He had a long day of playing outside. 

I laughed out loud, knowing that her brows were raised to her forehead with this text. 

Angel 🪽: You took him outside?

“Do you think Mom is upset with me?” I asked the cat, who simply didn’t bother to care what I was showing him; he wanted the leftover mashed potatoes from Matt’s plate. 

Me: Don’t worry, angel. We had him on a harness and leash. He loved laying in the sun on the back patio.

Angel 🪽: I trust you with him, Noah. But what’s that playing in the background of your video?

With my finger hovering over the other video I took, I contemplated sending it. Was it too much? Was it not enough? Would she figure it out? I mean, it was partially her words- meaningful, important. I just added to them. Both of us pulled out the dark from each other. Adding it shirtless, was just another decision- a good, good decision. I wanted her clenching and biting her lip. 

Not bothering to overthink it any longer, I hit send.

Me: I can’t wait for you to hear the final version.

NOAH

Mother fucker. 

Piece of shit. 

Douchebag. 

I paced the floor in the living room of the rental house, back and forth. I was so angry, the rage inside me was desperately trying to break through. Ever since I saw that video all over Twitter and Instagram, no amount of meditation and deep breathing could calm the burning anger. 

I should have hit him when I had the chance. 

Fucking Trey. 

“You’re doing the pacing thing again, Noah,” Nicholas sighed. 

I ran my fingers through my hair, one of the stands wrapped around my long finger, a hiss falling from my lips when I tugged on a knot. “Ow!” 

“Sit down! Stop pacing and stop tugging your damn hair! You’re giving me whiplash.” Matt demanded. 

“You saw the video, Matt!  It’s been all over Twitter and Instagram all fucking day. I can't even check Bad Omens socials without it showing up. You heard what Trey said to Y/N! He had no regard for her feelings, for any of them. He has no fucking business even being there to begin with.”

It seemed like last night after the Hollow Souls show, Trey managed to get backstage and confront Y/N, Chase, and Malcolm. No one was sure who recorded it but from how close the video was, my guess was one of the venue workers. Probably sold it to TMZ for a few extra bucks. 

“I’m aware, Noah. We’re all aware and so is half of Twitter. He’s an asshole and his dad should have pulled out,” Matt said. 

I snorted, halting my pacing only for a moment. “We should tweet that.” 

He chuckled, “You know I’m game.”

Jesse spoke next. “There’s nothing you can do, Noah. But based on her reaction, Y/N stood up for herself. She got the closure and told Trey to fuck off. You can’t control and fix everything. She handled it on her own.” 

I marveled at how much he sounded like Dr. Poulos. Always reminding me of what I can’t control. I knew I couldn’t control or fix anything but it still made me angry. 

“He still had no right to say things like that; not to her,” I fell onto the couch next to Michael, my leg immediately beginning to bounce. 

Bailey told Y/N a piece of her mind, followed by Trey. I could only imagine how broken she must have felt with the two in such a short amount of time. But Y/N was a strong woman. She held her head high and always took the high road. She defended herself and stood up for what she believed in, what she wanted out of life. 

For that, I will always admire her. 

Matt leaned against the pool stick in his hand, he and Jolly pausing their game of pool when I rushed down the steps to show them the video. 

“I get it. So many fucking people with their opinions and people who say shit just to say it; even that slimy fuck. But, think of how fucking cool Y/N is. She told him off and he's never going to come back from that. Trust me, everyone’s trashing him. I doubt he’ll ever be in a fuckin band again.” 

“You’re right,” I smiled proudly. 

He snorted, going back to the pool game. “I know I am, thank you.” 

Peering at the clock on the wall, I noticed it was only 7 in the evening, still a few hours until my nightly text with Y/N. Although I wanted to ask her about how she was feeling but knew that if it was something to worry about, Chase or Malcolm would have texted me. 

I was, however, shocked when I received a text from an unknown number; the message making me sit straighter up on the couch. Michael noticed the way my body went stiff for a brief moment and motioned to my phone. 

“Don’t tell me it’s another video.” 

“No,” I shook my head. “It’s a text; from Joe.” 

Folio’s head snapped up from petting Salem who was lying in his lap. “Joe Mulherin. The artist they’re touring with?” 

I nodded now. “Yeah.” 

Unknown: Hey Noah, this is Joe. I got your number from Chase and Malcolm. This is a little awkward but I wanted to introduce myself. I’ve actually listened to your band- you’re really talented! The acoustic version of If I’m There was killer, seriously.

“Oh, is he sweet-talking you?” Matt asked while peering over my shoulder as he knelt behind the couch. 

As I went about saving his number, another message from Joe came through. 

Joe Mulherin: I’m texting you because I’m sure you saw the video of what happened with Trey and Y/N. I will firstly say, she’s fucking awesome! And I’m honored to be on this tour with her and the guys. Incredible musicians and incredible people. Gearing back to the whole Trey situation, he showed up out of nowhere; but I feel it’s important to let you know, at least from my side, that Y/N kicked ass. She stood up for herself and I could see she felt a world of relief.

“What are you going to say?” Jesse asked while taking a bite from his apple, now sitting on the other side of me. 

“No fucking privacy,” I grumbled under my breath as I worked out a response. 

Me: Hey Joe, it’s Noah. I’ve heard a lot about you as well. Y/N has been a huge fan of yours for a long time. She was stoked about this tour, and yes she is awesome. Y/N’s special to a lot of us. She’s a genuine person and has a heart of gold; Chase and Malcolm as well. I appreciate your kind words. That means a lot. You know how it is- especially in this industry. And I did see the video, unfortunately. You were there?

Joe Mulherin: In case she needed support.

Running a hand over my jaw, I pushed away the feeling of regret for not being there for her. Y/N didn’t need me there with her all the time to fight her battles. She clearly could do it on her own. 

Me: Right, thank you for that. I hated what Trey said, I wish I could have stopped it myself but I also know how important it was for Y/N to have closure. I’m so fucking proud of her.

It was true. My heart was soaring in my chest with how proud I was of her. She needed this closure. Not enough to bring her back or get closer to him because Y/N knew she couldn't live through that again. 

Joe Mulherin: You should be proud. She’s awesome and she’s over the moon about you. From what I’m told you really lit a fire inside her, and that seems to be shining through. My partner did that for me when I found her and I’m sure it’s the same for you as well. So I just wanted to pass this along and formally introduce myself. I’m sure Y/N will bring this up to you but I wanted to show you how I saw it on my end. I hope we can meet soon.

Joe Mulherin: Oh, also. Hollow Souls new record is going to be sick. What they’ve been working on is sounding great.

With a bright smile, I leaned back onto the couch as I typed out my message. 

Me: For sure! Thank you so much. I wish I could be there. But, I understand it’s not the right time. I do hope soon we can chill at my place to shoot the shit. Thank you again for sending me a text. Very kind of you and I’m sure we’ll talk soon. I can’t wait to hear her new album. We’re all very stoked about it. We’re also close to releasing our record, I’d love for you to check it out! 

Joe Mulherin: Hell yes!

Matt hummed while patting my shoulder. “He seems like a cool dude.” 

I agreed with a nod as a sudden surge of inspiration hit me; so much so I sat up with a start. 

“Hey, Jolly. Can you open the file for Like a Villain? I have a verse I want to add real quick.” 

Nicholas responded. “Weren’t we worried that it might have been too long?” 

Cursing, I nodded when I remembered that we were running into that issue the other day when we were mixing Like a Villain. We were already over the five-minute mark but I needed to add this verse; it was important. 

“Let’s split it. Make the first half its own song,” I suggested when the idea struck me. 

My bandmates all shared a look before Folio nodded. “I like it. But we’d need a name for it.” 

I pursed my lips as I thought about the lyrics, humming them quietly. 

You couldn't wait, wait, wait for the day, day, day I lost. It's such a shame, shame, shame you couldn't change, look what it cost.

“What It Cost,” I said. 

Jolly smiled. “I like it. Why don’t you head in the booth and we can record the new lyrics.” 

As I set myself up in the booth, I muttered the new lyrics to myself a few times over, trying to figure out the best way to lay them out and what kind of cursive to use for it. The music picked up in my headphones and immediately moved to the beat. My fingers drummed against my thigh in beat with Folio’s drumming on the track. I let my eyes flutter shut, licking my lips, before belting out the fresh lyrics in the confines of the booth. 

The dark filled the room, any feelings I had earlier regarding Trey died down, and the shadows were lost. A fry of my larynx and siren-like soprano erupted from me.  Slowly the bravado went from soft almost alluring- “Go the fuck away, don’t come again.” 

To a bite so vicious and raw, the growls come from activated my soft palate, ribcage expanding and within my diaphragm spreading to my throat and out my mouth. 

“I’ll see your face in the fire” ribcage closed exhale alto “And burn it out.”

I added a deep growl to the word fire but didn’t like how it sounded. So with a twirl of my finger towards Jolly, we redid the take a few more times until it was perfect. 

This is confidence hard-won yet deep, anchored in the true self that is always safe at my core. I let it rip. If Y/N can close that chapter, so will I. From what I knew of him, what I remembered. What I’ve seen. 

Good fucking riddance.

Later that night in the comfort of my bed, I grasped my phone in my hand as my eyes drifted in and out of sleep. It was almost 10 pm and even though I was exhausted, ready for slumber to drag me to its dark depths, I needed to send this text; sleep be damned. 

Me: I love you, angel. I’m so proud of you. 

I didn’t say why but I didn’t have to. Y/N knew. 

Angel 🪽: I love you too, mochi. 🖤

NOAH

I shook my head with a disappointed sigh. “No, this house won’t work. It’s not big enough. “

Jackie looked around the living room we were all currently standing in; smaller than the one back at our house. 

“Why? It has enough space for the four of you. You’re all in music, right? There’s a room perfect in the basement for that.” 

Jolly sucked in a breath as I scrunched up my face. We want our studio to have light, and not feel as if we’re making music in a dungeon.

“We need four rooms for us and two extra. One for our studio. And the other would have to be bigger, better lighting,” I informed while stuffing my hands in the pockets of my jeans. 

This was the second house we’ve toured today; Jesse, Jolly, Michael, and myself. We took the day off of recording to do this, so to see yet another one fail, my mood souring pretty quickly. 

“What are you wanting it for?” Jackie wondered. 

“An art studio.”

She shifted on her feet while clutching her iPad to her chest; the one she used to look up the dimensions and notes of the houses. “Mr. Sebastian, we can keep looking if you’d like, however, you’re asking for a little much in this area. I don’t mean to pry or speak out of turn, but it sounds like you’re asking for a risky property. Are you sure you need something of that magnitude if it’s only a few of you living here?”

My eyes narrowed as Jesse let out a low whistle. “I was very clear about what I wanted. I personally don’t believe I need to discuss the details of why I need it.” 

“Of course, I apologize,” Jackie’s lips were pulled in a tight line. “It sounds like you’re asking for more out of pocket than what’s actually necessary.”

“With all due respect, don't tell me what you think is necessary. I want the home to be right, for all of us. And what I want and need is a space large enough for 2 studios and the master bedroom to be fully sufficient with space. The details don’t concern you. You either want our money or you don’t,” I finished with a shrug. 

“My apologies, we will keep looking.”

While Jackie went about looking for another listing on her iPad, I turned towards the guys; Michael giving me a reassuring smile. 

“Don’t stress too much about it, Noah. It’s only the second house.” 

“Y/N’s art studio has to be next to my room, with the perfect lighting and easy cleanup. I don’t want her feeling uneasy if paint gets everywhere,” I said. 

“Is this how you actually feel or is this your OCD talking?” Jesse wondered. 

I rubbed my jaw. “No, no it’s not just about that shit. She needs to be comfortable where she doesn’t feel the need to be careful. Y/N needs to be able to be carefree and safe. Here. With me.”

Jolly rested a hand on my shoulder. “It will be fine, I promise.” 

“I know,” I blew out a shaky breath. “I don’t want her to be unhappy here and give her a reason to walk out”. 

“Noah, she’s gonna love this so much. Y/N isn’t going to just walk away from this. Not this time,” Jesse reassured me. 

Feeling a little more at ease, I gave a slow nod. “Oh, we need a big window with a lot of light too. Salem loves to sunbathe.”

Michael snorted. “You say those three words and all of a sudden you become a cat dad.” 

Damn straight. 

With a plan to tour a few more houses in two days, we parted ways with Jackie and piled into Jolly’s car as he began the drive back to the rental house we were staying in the last week. Right before we arrived, however, my phone rang with a call from one of the reps at Sumerian. 

“Oh boy,” I muttered while answering the call, setting it on speaker. 

“Hey, guys! How’s it going? I see that you guys are busy recording. We love that!” Logan’s fake voice boasted through the phone. 

Jolly and I shared a look in the rearview mirror and I nodded. “Yep. We’ve been working nonstop.” 

“Well listen, we’re getting some push from the higher-ups, with everything going on and we know you guys have been working endlessly, the singles we’ve been approved to release are straight-up fire! However, we need something else. We need a hit. The radio push would be great for the band- exposure and all that. Think you can do it?” 

“Yes,” I forced out through gritted teeth. 

One thing I didn’t like was being told how to work and how to create my music. 

“Awesome!” Logan cheered. “We’ll talk soon!”

Once the call ended, I tossed my phone in my lap and ran my hands down my face. 

“Fuck, they’re pushing this radio shit. I don’t give a fuck about the radio, that’s not why we do this.” 

“I know,” Jolly nodded while he took the turn to the familiar street. “But business calls. This is the unfavorable side. The question is, how are we going to magically write a hit in this short amount of time? We planned on releasing the album in a few weeks.”

“It’s easy, writing a modern rock song isn’t hard, Jolly.” I shrugged. “We’ve seen how many of the greats have done it. I have one just in mind.” 

Jesse turned towards me from his spot in the passenger seat. “Are you going to pull out your Scott Stap voice?” 

I smirked. “Fuck, maybe I will. 

“You have to use that false bravado,” Michael smacked my arm. 

I knew I could do this, I wasn’t attempting to sound cocky but, like I said many of the greats knew how this went down. 

Business.

Business.

Fuck business 

I feel it right into my bones that I’ve got more than it takes to make this work. I began humming random sounds, my facial expressions twitching, the cogs just continuing to turn. I had the perfect sound. It all came to me like a gust of wind. 

When you resonate your mind with your soul, you will learn to live through a love that is so honest it is raw. There was another risk with a song like this; with writing like this. 

I needed to get it out of me.

NOAH

I sat outside on the deck of the rental house, the fresh morning air was crisp but fine enough to wear a sweater; the heat of the sun warmed the skin of my face. Salem lay stretched out on the warm wood of the deck, his black fur shining with the rays of the sun. 

“Don’t tell Mom I didn’t put your harness on,” I pointed to him 

I realized early on that Salem wouldn’t run, curious as he was, he always stayed by one of us. 

My laptop was set up on the table in front of me, the Zoom app idling as it waited for the incoming call. With the stress of trying to come up with a radio hit in less than a few weeks, my anxiety was running rampant. Even though I had the song all laid out in my mind, it still scared me to finally put it out in the air for everyone to hear. 

I texted Dr. Poulos if she had time for a few-minute chat, one she agreed with. Thankfully her prior appointment was also a Zoom meeting so she was able to hop right on another one with me. 

Jolly appeared in the doorway leading outside, donning his leather jacket. The wind blew through the long strands of his hair as he nodded towards me. 

“I’m heading to that newish coffee shop nearby. Did you want anything?” He asked. 

“I could go for something,” I nodded while taking off the hood of my yellow sweater. 

After I gave him my order, I noticed the way the corner of his lips curled before he turned to walk away. 

“Try not to fall in love!” I called after him with a laugh. 

Jolly froze and then looked over his shoulder. “Wh-what?” 

“The coffee,” I smirked. “Try not to fall in love with it. I’m all open to something new but we like our usual.”

“Oh,” he ran a hand through his hair. “Right.” 

With Jolly gone, my computer lit up with a new call from Dr.Poulos and I answered it with a faint smile. 

“Good afternoon, Noah. How’s it going in the mountains?” She smiled wide at me.

“Uh, really great actually. We always like to find some kind of solace when we either write or record; it helps us mentally,” I answered while moving the screen to show her the mountains behind me. 

“That’s wonderful to hear! Now, you mentioned something about your record label pushing for a radio hit?” Dr. Poulos adjusted her glasses. 

I ran a hand through my hair while nodding. “Yeah. I have no problem with that; writing it. It’s been inside of me for a while now.  I just don’t know what to call it. I keep putting that part off, pretending it’s already completed so it’ll name itself.” 

“Can I be frank with you?” 

“Of course,” I nodded. 

Dr. Poulos took off her glasses and steepled her hands together underneath her chin. “What do you feel like you’ve been doing, Noah? You’ve mentioned the word pretend on and off for a while in our sessions. Is that what you’re doing? Pretending things are going well when internally you’re struggling to accept the status you’re at with y/n?”

 My eyes snapped up from my keyboard to the screen. “What was that?” 

“Pretending? Are you just pretending?” 

Suddenly, it was as if I’d been hit with a metal baseball bat to the knee, knocking me to the ground below. 

Something Y/N told me that night of the party. “I’m so tired of you pretending that you don’t have feelings for me.” 

Just Pretend. 

That’s all I ever do.

Dr. Poulos spoke again. “You said your label is pressuring you to write a hit. Have you given any thought about if that pressure and the pressure of wanting to be with Y/N romantically is almost conjoined?”

I pursed my lips while leaning back into my chair, giving this question a deep analysis; although the answer came to me almost instantly. 

Yes. 

NOAH

With a yawn, I held the steaming cup from the cafe in town as Salem and I walked out to the front porch, both of us opting to sit on the swinging chair this time. We had two days left in the rental house and I wanted to take full advantage of the peace that was held in the mountains. 

Something that maybe in a few years, I’d look for with Y/N. 

“Alright bud, ready to watch Mom’s interview?” I asked Salem as he got comfortable on my lap. 

He purred loudly in my lap as I pulled up the live stream from the podcast that was interviewing not only Y/N but Joe as well. He was finishing up his performance of one of his songs and when the camera panned over to Y/N, who was smiling as she watched, my heart soared. She looked fucking breathtaking and my soul yearned to have her close to me again. 

Soon. 

“Mom looks beautiful,” I whispered to Salem, who didn’t bother to wake from his nap. 

“That was phenomenal. We appreciate you being here with us.” 

I didn’t miss how the interviewer kept his attention on Joe, not bothering to give praise to Y/N. With a scowl, I kept the video up while opening my text messages, and clicking on her contact. I got a glimpse of her phone in her lap so I knew eventually she would see the message. 

Me: You look phenomenal, angel.

As I watched, I took a sip of my coffee, humming at the rich taste. I had to admit that this new coffee shop knew how to make a drink. 

“Everyone online is begging me to ask you two this but what’s the dating situation? There’s so much chemistry between the two of you in the behind-the-scenes clips you guys post on Instagram. Everyone wants to know; are you two dating?”

I rolled my eyes with a groan, knowing that this question was bound to be asked. It’s always a common thing any time two artists of the opposite sex tour together. People see the great chemistry between them and automatically think they’re fucking. Now, I did see the videos on Hollow Souls Instagram account but to me, it looked like a group of friends having fun while on tour; harmless fun. 

I trusted Y/N. She knew that. 

Y/N crossed her legs. “Just because a male and female artist tour together, doesn't mean they’re dating.”

A flood of endorphins rushed through me. The interview was important, but I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful and fucking sexy Y/N looked. A few moments in my imagination and I’m released from the troubles of the upper brain, wanting so badly to be happy with her in a space where pleasure is king, and I couldn’t wait to stick my head between the legs of my queen.

“Fuckin tell him, angel,” I said while working out a new text to her. 

Me: Tell him who’s boss, angel. You know who you belong to.

“See? Your mom is cool. Salem you should be watching this. No? Naps are important. I feel you,” I chuckled while scratching his head. 

I felt a surge of pride in my chest when Y/N continued to stand up to the interviewer, not taking his shit questions.  

“Video surfaced online that Trey was at the show a few nights ago and it looked like the two of you were having an intense conversation. Is there a chance he’s joining Hollow Souls again?”

My lips pulled in a low scowl as I saw a flash of pain behind Y/N’s eyes when she forced a smile before leaning forward with narrowed eyes. 

“Here’s what we’re not going to do; we’re not gonna focus on my love life, or personal life. I make art, not headlines. I’m cool because I'm me, and my band is cool. The art is what’s the focus, not anything else. I do feel as if people need to understand that having a private life is my right. I don’t feel comfortable sharing every aspect. Like I said, I make art, not headlines.”

The interviewer tried to joke. “That’s a bold statement to make. It comes with the whole fame territory.”

“I refuse to allow this time in my life to be touched, tainted, or bastardized by anyone,” Y/N finished while crossing her arms over her chest.

All the heat rushed straight to my dick with the image of Y/N bossing me around like that so I sent her another text. 

Me: Fuck I love when you put douchebags in their place. You’re so sexy, angel. Fuck. I’m going to think about you bossing me around all night.

I knew I succeeded when I noticed a red hue cross her cheeks and Y/N squeezed her legs together as she read my text.

As the interview continued, I began to sing lyrics that came out of nowhere. “I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face and not a day goes by where I don’t think I feel the same.”

Y/N’s soft voice brought my attention back to the interview. 

“I’m becoming a very private person as of late so I don’t need to go into the personal aspects of my life. Just know I’m moving past things, and I’m very content. Dare I say happy with where the future will be.”

The interviewer nodded. “Fair enough. Would you say you’re hopeful for what the future will bring?” 

With a bright smile, Y/N looked directly at the camera, her eyes staring directly into my soul, and winked. 

“Oh yes, more than hopeful.”

Once the interview ended, I locked my phone and began to swing on the chair, every so often petting Salem. The sun was hiding behind an array of dark clouds, a storm was approaching; the perfect kind of weather to cuddle inside with the ones you love. 

Or write a radio hit.

“I can wait for you at the bottom,” I hummed. “I can stay away if you want me to.” 

Salem woke and looked up at me with bright green eyes. 

“I can wait for years if I gotta, heaven knows I ain’t getting over you,” I hummed, this time louder. 

My eyes bulged as I picked up Salem and ran back inside to where Jolly and Matt were lounging on the couch. 

“They want their radio hit? Well, I’m going to fucking give it to them!” I smiled widely as they looked up at me. 

Hours later after the song was written, all of us hung out in the living room of the rental house; Jesse and Michael playing pool, Folio on the phone with his girlfriend, Nicholas and Jolly working on the music for the new song. Matt and I were sitting on the couch together watching a movie, Salem perched on the back of the couch, resting his head on Matt’s shoulder. 

Noticing it was nearing 10 p.m., I pulled out my phone to text Y/N only to realize she texted me already with four pictures attached. 

Angel 🪽: You were bold to text me earlier like that, mochi, I could barely contain myself. Here’s a little payback. Hope you’re all flustered and bothered, whatever you’re doing I suppose will have to wait. Dream of me. I love you.

Clicking on the first picture, I nearly dropped my phone in my lap when the bright red lingerie graced my eyes. 

Holy shit. 

Y/N seemed to be in the bathroom of her tour bus as she posed in different positions showcasing the red lace teddy that hugged every inch of her marvelously. The color red did absolute wonders for her skin and I licked my lips, wanting to taste the valley between her breasts down her stomach to the sweet mound between her legs. The floral tattoo on her arm looked gorgeous as she held the phone out wide for the picture. 

Tilting my phone away from prying eyes, I quickly sent four texts in a row to Y/N. 

Me: Matt’s right next to me, angel. What if he saw this?

Me: fuck, my dick is throbbing right now but I can’t do shit about it. Consider this my karma.

Me: I can’t stop staring at the pictures. Fuck, you’re gorgeous. Beautiful. A true definition of an angel. 

Me: I’m going to call you in a little bit. I need to hear your voice. I need it.

My cock was aching in my joggers and I tried so hard not to make it noticeable as I shifted in my seat. 

Matt peered over at me with a raised brow. “You good?” 

I coughed. “Yep. I’m going to head to bed.” 

All but jumping from the couch, I made my way upstairs towards my room but Jesse’s voice stopped me. 

“You’re not bringing Salem? He always sleeps with you.” 

Running a hand over my jaw. “I’m going to take a shower first then I’ll grab him.” 

“Right after you look at those pictures Y/N’s sent you again,” Matt teased, not bothering to take his eyes off the television. 

A low growl came from my throat as I pointed to him. “You didn’t see shit.” 

He raised his hands in the air. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” 

Bidding them goodnight with a nod, I took the stairs two at a time and then locked the door to my room. My skin felt a blaze, those images burned in my brain, and my cock was almost standing straight out as I peered down at it; a tent in my joggers. 

Y/N texted me and I let out a shuddering breath as I read it, trying to compose myself for a minute. 

Angel 🪽: I’m going to bed early tonight. Maybe we can talk on the phone tomorrow. I love you.

Even in my aroused state, my heart yearned for the one that held it and my soul in her hands. 

Me: Fuck, I love you too angel. So fucking much.

Quickly shedding myself from my clothes I then positioned myself on the bed, my hair falling into waves against the pillow as I planted my feet on the edge of the mattress. My knees were up and spread wide as my cock stood straight up, little beads of precum oozing from the small slit. I took a finger and swirled it all around the sensitive part of my head. 

“Fuck,” my hips bucked with the high amount of sensitivity. 

My room was eerily quiet, too quiet for what I was about to do, so I turned on some music; more specifically Eyelids by Hollow Souls. 

If she couldn’t be here with me physically, I needed to hear her angelic voice somehow. 

I glanced at the pictures on my phone again, focusing on the one of Y/N sitting on the bathroom counter, her legs spread wide showcasing her sweet pussy that was barely covered behind the red lace, and her perfect tits were almost falling out at the top of the lingerie set. The sinister smirk on his lips told me she knew what I was going to do the second I was alone. 

I was fucking obsessed with how that teddy looked on her; her knowing what the color red did to me. It was so sexy, all I wanted to do was take it off with my teeth. I imagined Y/N as she rode me while wearing this teddy and she shoved the panties in my mouth when I would moan too loud. 

“Oh god,” I groaned while gripping my cock tight after pulling on the skin. 

Her voice sang sweet words to me but all I could imagine was her leaning over me to drag her lips across my throat. 

“You’re being too loud, Noah. We can’t risk the others hearing you.” 

I could almost taste those panties soaked with her arousal and I halted my stroking for a second. 

“Fuck! I have to improvise,” I leaned over the bed to rummage through my suitcase to find a thin sock.  

I hesitated for a brief second. “Shit, am I really doing this just to help get me off?” 

The image was still clear in my mind, Y/N riding my cock with her panties shoved in my mouth. 

“Fuck it,” I stuffed the sock in my mouth and began stroking my cock faster this time. 

I knew I wouldn’t last long, my orgasm burning low at the base of my spine and my stomach muscles contracted as I spread my knees wider apart. I lifted my hips off the bed when the grip around my cock was almost bruising, needing the slight pain to push me closer to release. One hand around my cock, the other holding my phone with the picture of Y/N, I supported my moans into the sock. 

If I was being honest, Eros took hold of me. I couldn’t wait to be able to actually fuck Y/N again. I’d make love to her every night, no question. This evening, carnality took flight. I wanted to leave her shaking, crying, and clawing at my chest. Begging me to never stop.

“Oh gods, angel. I can’t wait to feel you again,” I moaned into the sock as I nearly dropped my phone when my orgasm was so close. 

My grip was tighter and pace faster when I laid my legs straight out now, ready for pure euphoric bliss to drown me in waves. 

I was completely blissed out and exhausted, but I needed this release. I tried harder to hold the phone up eventually losing grip of it as it clattered to the floor. With my free hand, I now grasped at the blanket beneath me when my orgasm finally ripped through me. Warm cum shot out on my hand and stomach as I rode out the aftershocks with muffled screams, the song ending right as I finished. 

“That’s so good, Noah. So good for me,” Y/N’s soft voice cooed in my ear. 

As I came down from my high, one thing was clear. I wanted Y/N  imprinted in my mind as vividly as possible, not that her silhouette wasn’t always there already. I could feel my tongue involuntarily move in a wiper direction. Naturally envision grazing her insides with my warm, wet tongue.

NOAH

Folio came bounding down the stairs with a happy smile on his face. I raised a brow to him as I sat on the couch, strumming a few notes on the guitar. 

“Where are you headed?” I asked. 

“I’ve got a date with Michelle tonight. We’re going to Wingstop then head to the drive-in. It’s showing her favorite Cillian Murphy movie,” he answered while slipping into his leather vest.

“Taking the bike out?” Jolly asked from his spot at the computer as he paused mixing our current track. 

“We’re going to have a picnic at the drive-in; there’s a nice area designated for this. Michelle has no idea. I’m planning on surprising her after she gets out of class by picking her up.” 

“Good for you, man. I’m really happy that things are going so well for you,” Nicholas smiled. 

“You guys don’t need me tonight, right?” He asked. 

I shook my head with a smile. “No, go enjoy your night. We can't do much drum tracking here anyway. Tell Michelle we say hey.” 

“WEAR A CONDOM!” Matt, who was sitting on the floor playing with Salem and his new batch of toys, yelled just before the door shut behind Folio. 

While Jesse and Michael played a game of pool, I shifted my attention to the notebook on the coffee table. Tonight we had plans to record our new song but nerves were eating away at my insides. To become so raw and vulnerable in front of everyone as I poured my heart and soul out into the song gave me a bit of pause. 

“You know what’s wild?” I asked suddenly. 

“What’s that?” Jolly questioned while turning around in his chair. 

“It’s crazy how everything always comes full circle, I guess. With our last record, I said, “writing songs instead of letters, 'cause I’m too afraid.” 

“Have you written actual letters?” Matt questioned while lying on the floor with Salem, his head resting in the new bed I bought Salem. 

“Sort of,” I shrugged while tapping the pen against my notebook. “More like entries to Y/N, I guess. I can’t write fucking letters to her knowing that there’s a chance they’d get lost and she’d never get them.” 

I sighed while running a hand down my face. “The only way I know how to express how I feel is through music. I have these lines I keep repeating over and over; things I've said, things I haven't. I just need to make sure that when Y/N hears this song she knows how I truly feel.” 

“Here we thought you were writing this song out of spite to the label, or poke fun at radio hits,” Jolly jokes. 

“I don’t know what that means. They wanted a fucking hit so we’re going to give it to them. 

Nicholas rubbed my shoulder. “She knows, Noah. You two say I love you every night.” 

“I know but I need her to know how I feel deep down. How sorry I am for how everything went down the last few months. The fighting, Bailey, and not being who she needed when she needed me.” 

The guilt about Bailey still lingered. The way Y/N’s face looked so broken when she found out about me sleeping with Bailey. I have a lot of regrets in my life and that was one of them. Y/N and I are in a good place but I couldn’t help but worry that she still wasn’t over what happened. 

I couldn't risk any reason to have Y/N leave me again. 

“The both of you have grown since then. You’re where you’re supposed to be right now and soon, when Y/N hears this song, she’ll never leave,” Michael reassured me. 

Jesse agreed with a nod. “We’ve read the lyrics, Noah. It’s a great song.” 

“It's not hard to guess what the true meaning behind the song is. You’ve been subconsciously working on it off and on for months.”

“Jolly-.” 

He continued. “You both need to just make it official already. Your perfectionist nature and need to control everything is making this not so simple. You’re both so alike. You’re right there. You're saying I love you, call a spade a spade and ask her to be yours.” 

I stared down at the socks on my feet. “If Y/N shows up to the album release event maybe I can officially ask her then.” 

“Maybe?” Matt snorted. “What the hell do you mean, maybe? You’re looking for houses with an art studio and you’re saying maybe? Of course, she’ll be there.”

“You’ve done everything you’ve set your fucking mind to, Noah. Don’t let this be another thing you regret,” Nicholas said.

I wanted to let this song be the rock and holy anchor for her. Coming to terms from a healthier perspective. 

New beginnings. 

My vulnerability was laid out on paper. If anyone else needed to hear it it would be there for them. The message is there, you’d just have to find it. 

The way travelers seek the stars at night.

With a deep breath, I tossed the notebook back onto the table, not needing it because I knew every single word of this song. So much so, I sang it in my sleep. 

“Give me five minutes, I need to do something first,” I called over my shoulder as I walked towards the bathroom of the rental house. 

Once inside, I pulled out my phone with a long sigh and worked out the long message. 

Me: Hi angel. I know it’s not 10 o’clock yet but I felt the need to text you a little sooner. Shit has been weighing on me. I want to apologize for what I put you through. The miscommunication, the mind games, the confusion, and Bailey. I should never have brought her into any of our lives.  It was a dark moment that I succumbed to and I’ll never forgive myself for using Bailey as a way to hurt you. It was never my intention. I was drunk the night I slept with her, not saying it’s an excuse, but it was a dark place in my life that I never want to go back to. 

Blowing out a shaky breath, I hit send before working out another message. 

Me: My apology is for not being better, for not getting here sooner, for not rescuing earlier or with greater strength; all I ask is that you forgive me for those transgressions. In those times I was doing the very best I could and loving you so very much all the time. I love you so much, Y/N. I’m hoping that with this, we’re starting clean. There’s been a lot of different phases of my life and I can’t be the best I can unless I make amends for everything wrong that happened between us. I love you.

As I waited for Y/N to reply, I sat on the counter in the bathroom and let my long legs dangle off, swinging with anticipation. I nearly dropped my phone when it buzzed in my hand. 

Angel 🪽: hi mochi. Well, first I’ll say thank you. Thank you for communicating with me and apologizing. With the weeks we’ve been apart since I’ve been working on myself too. I forgive you. I accepted that while it did hurt me, you made a mistake. I want us to let go of the negative emotions and painful parts of memories. 

For many years I had punished myself, feeling that if I forgave more fully then love would blossom; yet in truth, it had never been there at all. Things have changed. I want to be better too. 

Forgiveness brings the liberty to love again and to heal the heart, soul, and mind. Thank you again, mochi. I love you too. 

With a lighter heart full of so much love for Y/N, I hopped off the counter and nearly barreled through the door, clapping my hands loudly. 

“Alright, let's record this hit!” 

My heart was pounding as I stepped up to our makeshift booth, put on the headphones and shook out the nerves from my hands. Over time I learned how to shake the nerves from doing my vocal takes in front of others, and lose the embarrassment. 

With our first two records, I tried to emanate vocals from other artists because I wasn’t confident in myself as a vocalist. Now, I wanted Y/N and everyone else to see that this was me; this record was Noah Sebastian and Bad Omens. 

With Jolly and Matt's cue, I took a deep breath and started on the first verse. 

“I'm not afraid of the war you've come to wage against my sins. I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend. So will you wait me out? Or will you drown me out? So will you wait me out or will you drown me out?” 

Y/N’s face flashed in my mind at that first meeting; our first day on tour when I stepped off of my bus. She looked absolutely breathtaking with her long blonde hair blowing with the gentle breeze. Her toned legs were accentuated by the boots she wore and the ink of her Greek Gods tattoo on full display. The way her lips parted as I stole the breath from her longs with our first of many stolen glances. 

I licked my lips, eyes fluttering shut as I let the first chorus rip through me with my cursive singing. “I can wait for you at the bottom. I can stay away if you want me to. I can wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you.”

I didn’t bother opening my eyes to see the other's reaction. I needed to stay in this place I found myself in; my soul screaming for Y/N’s. 

“I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face and not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same. So will you wait me out? Or will you drown me out? So will you wait me out? Or will you drown me out?”

We sat on the beach together, all those months ago, and Y/N continued to try and hide herself from me. She wore the faintest of smiles as she blew out a shaky breath when I lifted her chin with a knuckle. 

"You shouldn't be with someone that drains your spirits. Drain the light from your soul, angel."

"It can't rain all the time."

“I can wait for you at the bottom. I can stay away if you want me to. I could wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you. We'll try again. When we're not so different. We will make amends. 'Til then I'll just pretend,” my hand rested on the windows of the booth, nails digging into the glass as I continued to pour myself into this. 

“Weigh down on me, stay 'til morning. Way down, would you say I'm worthy? Weigh down on me, stay 'til morning. Way down, would you say I'm worthy?”

Y/N didn’t want to leave, I could see that in the way her movements slowed once she was dressed, almost as if she was buying time for me to say something that would change her mind. But she refused to meet my gaze.

"Angel, look at me. What's the matter?" I asked again.

"Nothing-," she began with a sigh.

"Then why won't you stay?"

I tried not to think back to the negative aspects of our night together. I always tried to remember the way her skin tasted or felt against mine. But every once in a while her face as she was seconds away from walking away from me came crashing into me without warning. 

“I can wait for you at the bottom. I can stay away if you want me to. I could wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you.” 

Still buried deep inside of Y/N, I rolled our bodies so now she was straddling me. Her hands sprawled over the tattoos that covered my chest and she leaned down to lick across the snake and apple on my neck. The noises I made, and my moans were so soft as Y/N’s hot tongue went up and down my neck. She grazed over my Adam's apple with her teeth and bit down. I shook underneath her and wrapped an arm around her back to bring her closer, burying my aching cock, deeper inside of her.

We felt the rush, the aching, burning blush. We surrendered to the touch. Y/N gave me a show. This was heaven in hiding.

I sucked in a large breath, ready for the crescendo of the song, and let every fucking feeling I have for my angel come out through me in a surge of passion and energy. 

“We'll try again. When we're not so different. We will make amends. 'Til then I'll just pretend,” I nearly fell back into the booth as a lone tear fell from my eyes, quickly wiping it away. 

Rain poured around us with the onslaught of the storm as Y/N pointed a firm finger at me. “You always just pretend that everything is fine when it’s not! Then you stand there and have the right to say I’m the pain in the ass? Fuck you, Noah! I’m so tired of you pretending that you don’t have feelings for me.”

With the last few lines of the song left, I envisioned the one memory that I remembered every morning when I woke and every night before I fell asleep; the same thought was always there at the end of it. 

I am worthy. 

“Weigh down on me, stay 'til morning. Way down, would you say I'm worthy? Weigh down on me, stay 'til morning. Way down, would you say I'm worthy?”

“You what?” I urged while taking a step towards her. 

Y/N wildly shook her head as her makeup ran down her face, staining her cheeks and neck in mascara. 

“I-I can’t.” Y/N pressed her palm into her forehead. 

“Yes, you can,” I licked my lips in anticipation. “Fuck, Y/N! YOU WHAT?!”

“I’m in love with you! Okay?! I fucking love you! 

I tossed the headphones off of me to let out a deep breath and center myself once again, coming back to reality; not before one final memory flashed in my mind. 

“Well, that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99 percent of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2-second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing!”

By now, the rain was a torrential downpour, branches of the trees swaying widely in the wind as the sky cracked loudly with lightning and thunder; it shook both Y/N and I to our bones. 

“So what?” Y/N scoffed. “Why does it matter to you?”

“Because I fucking love you, angel!” I blurted out.

NICK R

Holy shit. 

I looked over towards Jolly, who also had a shocked expression on his face. We all just watched Noah pour his soul into a song, one that would typically take more than one vocal take to get right, but he was so confident in this song that he didn't stop once. 

As soon as Noah stepped out of the booth, Salem trotted over to him and was swiftly picked up in his arms. “Did you like that, Salem? Do you think it was good enough?” 

Matt snorted. For the record label, my ass.” 

Noah’s eyes narrowed at him as he plopped down on the couch next to me. “I still feel like something is missing.” 

Almost immediately as he sat, he nearly stumbled off of the couch as he reached for his phone on the table in front of him. 

“It’s not ten o'clock yet,” Michael teased. 

Noah flipped him off. “No, asshole. I need something from Bryan. There’s something I want to use from the video of our day at the pier. I want to bury Y/N’s voice in the track.” 

I turned towards him when Salem decided to sit in my lap now. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Do you think she’ll notice?” 

“No. Because nobody is going to know what this record truly is or who it’s about. It’s not their business. I’ve got it all worked out in my head.” 

We could all see the bags under Noah’s eyes since he stayed up all night the previous night writing this song, making sure it was perfect. 

“You should also get some sleep. We can figure this out tomorrow,” Jolly suggested. 

Noah immediately shook his head. “No.” 

“Noah-,” Jesse started. 

“Let me fucking do this, guys. Please. I need this,” he almost begged, his voice quiet. 

Eventually, I nodded. “Alright. This is your song, man. If you want to do it, go for it.” 

He smiled while throwing his hair in a low bun and turned towards Matt, shaking his phone. “Bryan sent over the audio. Think you can mix it?” 

Matt held a hand to his chest and had a faux hurt expression. “Is my dear Noah doubting my mixing abilities?” 

As the two of them along with Jolly began working on mixing the audio to bury it in the track, I had my own agenda. Salem looked up at me with curious eyes as I began typing widely on my phone. 

“Your uncles better be cool with this idea because if not, I don’t know how else I’ll be able to pull it off,” I muttered to the cat. 

Me: This new song Noah just recorded is heavy. We need to plan something to finally get their asses in gear and stop the bullshit.

Chase: I’m down.

Malcolm: You don’t even have to ask me twice. What are we thinking?

While I worked out the plan with them, Michael spoke from his spot in the kitchen as he grabbed a round of drinks for all of us; non-alcoholic for Noah since he recently started his sober journey. 

“Does this masterpiece have a name?”  

Noah leaned back in his chair, hands resting behind his head, and smiled wide. “Just pretend.” 

I raised a brow. “Just pretend?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded, cuddling the blanket closer to his chest that he had wrapped around himself. 

“I love it,” Jolly admitted. “It’s perfect.” 

Noah smiled, bumping fists with him. “Thank you, I think so too.”

NOAH

I stood in the middle of the large bedroom, mind running a mile a minute as I envisioned how the space would look. Jolly, Jesse, and Michael stood behind me as we all decided together that this place was perfect. It was our new home. 

“So, we’ve been thinking,” Jolly started as he walked around to face me. 

My brows furrowed. “Do you guys not like this house? I know it is a bit out of our price range but it’s worth it, I think. It has enough bedrooms for all of us and the two studios.” 

Jesse chuckled. “You’re rambling.” 

“Sorry,” I breathed while scratching my cheek. “I’m just nervous that this might be too good to be true. This place is perfect and if we don’t get it, I don't know how long it will be until the next one comes up; if it does.” 

“Stop thinking of all the negatives and for once, think of all the positives. Like how you get the master suite.” 

I snapped my head towards Michael. “What?” 

The three of them nodded and Jolly spoke again. “It’s only fair, Noah. The three of us don’t need this big of a bedroom and knowing that Y/N will be over a lot, it’s only fair the two of you get as much privacy as you can get.” 

“Also helps that this room is on the main floor while ours are upstairs,” Michael joked. 

I playfully pushed him. “Thank you guys. I love the optimism but we don’t even know if our offer was accepted.” 

We’d been back home for the last few days, finally finishing recording the new album, and while touring a couple more houses, we fell in love with the one we were currently standing in and immediately put in an offer. 

Enough bedrooms, a large window in the living room for Salem to lay in front of, a decent-sized backyard with a jacuzzi, and the art studio that was right next to the master suite. It had a large window that showcased the small creek that ran along the side of the house. And hardwood floors throughout the entire house.

Not to mention, the privacy of the neighborhood was a huge bonus. 

A soft knock sounded on the door of the empty master bedroom and we all turned toward Jackie who had a wide smile on her face. 

“Great news! The sellers accepted your offer. Now while we do have to wait for the bank to accept the sale, I want you guys to remain optimistic. Typically this kind of thing takes a while so I don’t want you to stress out.” 

Jolly gave me a sideway glance, one that I ignored. I was too fucking over the moon with excitement. Our offer was accepted and we were one step closer to finishing this part of our new phase. 

Three weeks later, we closed on the house and were moving in with hopeful hearts. The guys stayed true to their words and allowed me to take the master suite, which currently seemed bare with my desk and computer setup, and the long table on the opposite wall as it peered out to the window, the flowing creek the only thing Y/N would see whenever she sat there. I decided that a new bedroom called for a new bed; a bigger one. It would be delivered in a few days along with a few other things I ordered. I bothered Chase and Malcolm with ideas for days. 

Me: Do you guys think this table will be big enough? 

I sent a link to yet another vanity I found online. 

Chase: Noah, this is the 4th vanity table you’ve shown us. 

Me: And?

Malcolm, dude you have to relax. It’s perfect. Way better than the small suitcase she uses to hold every one of her products now. 

Me: well with me, she’ll never have to. 

Later on that day, I received another text from Chase. 

Chase: Noah, beware of paint all over the carpet.

I snorted as I typed out my response. 

Me: Already taken care of.

Chase: Good. Because even though I love her to the ends of the earth, paint is a fucking bitch to clean.

Me: Here’s the address. I would love it if you and Malcolm come check it out. 

Chase: Definitely. Let's plan for Friday?

Jesse and Michael gave me shit any chance they could get about obsessing over a vanity table. 

“Y/N does her own makeup. No one else does it for her so I need a spot for all of it.” I said while we browsed Ikea the other day. 

Michael tossed a new blanket into the cart I’d been pushing. “Damn, you really got it all figured out. I never thought I’d hear you ever say you need space for a vanity.” 

“That was before I ever cared. I just wanna make sure she has her own space. That’s all,” I defended while setting a cat tree into the cart. 

Jessed raised a brow, one I shrugged at. “Salem needs one for our place.” 

“I bet you cried your eyes out when you dropped it back off at Y/N’s place this morning.” 

Rolling my eyes, I ignored Micahel and continued down the long aisle of kitchen ware. 

“It’s going to all work out, Noah. This is a lot, especially when you’ve never done this before. I mean, we’ve been a fraternity for a long time if you think about it,” Jolly said. 

“Yeah, I know. But you guys know me, I’m in my head over the smallest things. This is a big deal. I don’t want to give her a reason to say no.” 

Jesse rubbed my shoulder. “She won't, Noah. It’s going to be awesome so don’t stress about this.” 

Letting out a deep breath, I set aside the screwdriver and paused building the new end table to run my palms over my white star shorts. I’ve talked to everyone in my life about this but neither of them gave me peace of mind the way I needed. 

Clearing my throat, I spoke out to the space in front of me. 

“Uh, hey Keaton,” I now rubbed the fresh tattoo on the sides of both of my hands, tracing each letter. “It’s been a while since we’ve had one of our talks but life has been a bit chaotic.” 

“We moved into a new house. Orie moved in with his girlfriend and we decided the rest of us needed a new place ourselves. A fresh start, if you will. A new phase for all of us.” 

I sniffled but kept the tears at bay. “Y/N and I are, well I don’t know what I would call us but we admitted our feelings for each other. We say I love you every night but the unknown of what we are still lingers and it fucking scares me to death not knowing if she’ll stay. I’m trying to do everything right to make sure she does. I can’t handle her walking out of my life again, Keaton.” 

Now running my hand through my hair, my bottom lip wavered. “I need a sign from you, man. I need to know that Y/N will stay. That all of this won’t be too much for her.” 

The eerie silence of the house was all I heard until seconds later, the Alexa device on my desk began playing a song; one I never expected but ended up smirking at. Memory Fiction by Erra echoed throughout my room and I shook my head with a laugh. 

“You would choose one of Jesse’s songs,” I wiped away a few stray tears. “Thanks, Keaton, I know we’ll talk soon.” 

I sat on the floor, letting Jesse’s words resonate deep within my bones. Y/N and I were reaching out towards the next phase of ourselves, autonomous from what connected us. 

When the song ended, the silence didn’t last long because there was a knock on my open bedroom door and when I hastily stood, I gave Chase and Malcolm a soft smile. 

“Hey, I’m glad you guys could make it,” I waved them inside. 

“Jesse just gave us the tour. It’s a nice place. I’m glad it worked out,” Chase said. 

I nodded. “Thanks. I wanted to make sure you guys gave me the okay. I don’t plan on rushing into things with Y/N. She can stay here as many nights as she wants. I just want to make sure she has a home here with her and Salem.” 

I motioned to the table. “Do you think this is big enough for all of her products? I want her to have space for it and all her skull nick-nacks and Valak Funko pop. She’d get that demon tattooed on her if she could”.

Chase agreed with a boisterous laugh. 

I pointed to another window that I placed another table in front of moments before they arrived; this one smaller than the vanity. 

“I thought that she could use this space for her plants. I know she’s obsessed with them. Honestly, she could turn our room into a fucking jungle for all I care. As long as she was here with me.” 

Malcolm had a hand over his heart. “Noah, this is great. Y/N loves you. You could have bought a studio apartment and she’d still make it a home.” 

I agreed with a slight curl of my lips. “Because she’d be there.” 

NOAH

I blew out a nervous breath as I stepped through the front door, clutching the bag tightly in my hand and when three sets of eyes landed on me, I halted in place. I was unsure of how they would react to this since I didn’t tell them where I was going when I left a few hours ago. 

Jesse was the first to speak with an approving nod. “Well hello, my friend.” 

“Don’t start,” I pointed a finger at him. 

Jolly stopped as he carried the high stack of towels, ready to put them away in the linen closet upstairs when he took in the sight of me. “Woah, I didn’t think you’d go through with it.” 

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I got tired of not seeing my neck. It was still suffocating.” 

“It’s different seeing you like this,” Michael said as he lounged on our new couch. 

The couch I spent years yearning for and imagining what it would look like.

“You think Y/N will still find me attractive like this?” I asked while shifting on my feet. 

Jesse's eyes widened. “Are you dumb?” 

“No, I’m just a little worried she won’t find this appealing. I mean, I love it. But you know, I don’t want her to be repulsed.”

“Noah, stop thinking that,” Jolly spoke. “Stop worrying, you look sharp and fierce.  It's a great look. And last I heard she gave herself a little makeover too.”

My eyes snapped up from the floor towards him. “She did?” 

“Yeah,” he smiled before heading up the stairs. 

I couldn't stop the smirk that spread to my face. “Damn, maybe we can be all mysterious and unveil at the release party. She’s going, right?”

“Nick said he texted her about it weeks ago. Y/N will be there,” Jesse patted my shoulder for reassurance. 

Now in the solace of my bedroom, I stood in front of the full-length mirror that was in the walk-in closet and admired how I looked. St. Patrick by Hollow Souls played from the Alexa speaker and I nodded my head along to it, amping me up on how the final look came together. 

“And I’m not spiritual but please stay. ‘Cause I think you’re a saint and I think you’re an angel,” I sang along quietly. 

I took a step back from the mirror but something felt wrong; off. I was missing something.

Opening the small drawer in front of me, I rummaged through the small variety of jewelry, knowing that once Y/N had her own pieces in here it would become filled until I found the two pieces I was looking for. 

The silver chain and bracelet shined under the light overhead and I ran a finger over it, remembering the day I gave Y/N her matching set. 

She opened the box as a gasp left her lips, the silver necklace and matching bracelet shone under the light of the room. It wasn't anything over the top and there were no diamonds but that didn't matter to her. She wasn't one for over-the-top jewelry, this simple chain and bracelet were enough.

With wet eyes, Y/N gazed up at me as I nervously fiddled with my rosary. "Do you like it?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into her embrace, burying her face into his neck. "I love it, Noah. Thank you so much."

With the bracelet and necklace now clasped onto my body, my look was complete. My fingers worked through the curtain-style bangs. The long fringe was paired with a middle part, a 3-guard short side.

“The Levi Ackerman haircut. I wonder if anybody will catch the reference. I’m a nerd,” I chuckled at myself in the mirror

Earlier,  I left the Harley Davidson shop with a new outlook; the oil-slick leather gloves in the bag. I was excited for the new era of myself and Bad Omens. I was ready for the new phase for what it was, what I’ve conjured in my mind. 

The power of visual aesthetics to convey emotions and enhance the overall experience of the music. The glove serves as a physical extension of my artistic vision, adding an element of mystique and intrigue to this persona I've created. Allowing me to create a distinct identity and connect with the audience on a deeper level.

I stared at myself in the mirror taking it all in. Completely engulfed in the Yohji Yamamoto coat and cargo pants. I spritzed Sauvage, opening the turtleneck I was wearing for the liquid to drip down my chest. It was snug in some areas, but all the same showed off the physicality of my dedication, as of recent. 

I look good.

I reached into the coat pocket for my phone eager to show Y/N but stopped myself from taking the photo. 

No, leave it as a surprise.

[gleefullypolin]

My top 10 ships

I haven't done this in forever, and I was bored and didn't feel like working so.....felt like an appropriate thing to do instead.

My top 10 ships!

#1 Polin - Bridgerton

Did you really anticipate anyone else being at my top spot? Friends to lovers....Swoon! They have my heart, soul, and life. I literally love a girl who knows what she wants and a man who loves the fuck out of her like no other so this is like porn and comfort. Give me everything tonight and more!

#2 Captain Swan - OUAT

If you aren't going to give me friends to lovers, I'll move over to Enemies and find my kind because holy hot out of hell, there is nothing better than Captain Hook and his smolder winning over Emma Swan. Fuck that man can burn! Years after that show ended and I can still sit in them and ruminate and catch myself on fire.

#3 Clois - Smallville

There have been a lot of different Lois and Clark's out there, but none have been Erica Durance and Tom Welling. I've never been so happy and angry with a show in all my life. I used to wish so much against Lana Lang that I am embarrassed my own behavior. But I truly loved the banter and way these two brought these characters to live. It was marvelous.

#4 Reylo - Star Wars

Being a Reylo shipper was like being sentenced to death and hell all at the same time for many years. We were bullied, tortured, shat on, and then given everything we wanted in 30 seconds only for them to fucking KILL HIM after a sacrifice. I have never both smiled, cried, and then curled into a ball in a theater so quickly that I wanted to die before. Even my family ridiculed me. It was torture but I still live there. I still ship it and you cannot make me stop!!

#5 Fitzsimmons - Agents of Shield

The brilliant science couple put through so much that even they thought they were cursed. Pushed to find each other across time and space, kidnapped into a matrix, forced to fight one another, half the couple killed, duplicate versions of themselves, but champions of the hug, star crossed and so full of love. Friends to lovers, he fell first, she fell harder and GOD I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR!

#6 Starpollo - Battlestar Galactica

A couple who knew how to tear out my heart, throw it to the ground, and then trample it with their feet to ashes. While Lee and Kara were not destined to end up together, they damn sure made it hard not to want them to find a way. They truly loved each other more than anyone they were with in the show, but guilt always found a way to fuck that up for them. God it hurt to love you two.

#7 Romanogers - Marvel Universe

Let's talk crack ships because oh how they break your heart. But it is glorious. This one is mine. I will forever love Nat and Steve and I will live in the space and time that they were on the road together living their lives without a banner. Because you can't tell me what they got up to! I refuse to believe you! But let's not talk about how it all ended because my heart still hurts and I don't like to talk about it!

#8 Finchel - Glee

Since I'm already ripping my heart out, let's go all the way with it. Finchel has always been that ship that tears my heart to shreds. I was all in from the characters to the actors and I'll never honestly get over it. I'll probably always bleed Finn and Rachel, Cory and Lea. And I'll never be able to talk about it to normal people. It was something I lived, breathed, and honestly part of me died with. So I think that's enough of that.

#9 Caryl - The Walking Dead

You can call this whatever it is, some say crack ship, I say...otherwise. It's my ship of ships for TWD. It's my coming home ship. Because that's what they are to each other. They are love. No one tell me otherwise, I live there, I love there. So do they. Deal with it.

#10 Roschel - Friends

Look, say what you want, but I stayed home on Thursday nights just to watch whether they would or wouldn't. Nothing grabbed me like these two. They were lobsters, they were on a break, I didn't give a fuck what it was, only that they had me in a chokehold and that's what I realized what shipping was. Because dammit, I wanted whatever feeling it was. And thus the 9 people above because the passion I sought. So bless it, they needed to be here.

And there you have it, my top 10 ships! Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to add your own :)

[notlivys]

i can't believe i just saw people mourning one of the members of the band of my life in front of my eyes. i look through my window and the world keeps going on, but you're not here anymore. and this is how it is, how it's going to be from now on.

i just can't believe you're gone, liam.

is with a heavy heart that i write this. is with a bittersweet feeling that i try to heal, because saying goodbye and accepting you're just not here anymore surrounded by people feeling the same while also knowing that you are immortalized forever (through music, and through us) feels both comforting and soul-crushing.

i spent more time of my life loving one direction than not loving them.

we put our hearts where we find happiness and i found happiness on one direction. one direction is the band that was with me through my worst moments. one direction gave me memories, smiles, friends (one of the most important things i have in my life), a love and the courage to start writing. one direction was always the beginning of everything.

one direction was the band of my life (as a child, a teen and now an adult) that shaped me as a person.

and i just keep fighting the fact that today, i have to say goodbye with my chest hurting in a way i had never thought it would.

but deep down, i know life goes on and i know goodbye is almost never true. i know, in this case, is see you soon. i know, this time, is i'm carrying you with me forever and i'll make sure to spread your name and legacy as much as i can, whatever generation comes next, no matter how much i have to talk about the happiness you brought me.

i love to believe in transcending. and i always loved to love you.

i know, as an adult, liam wasn't the perfect person. i know he wasn't the excellent example to follow we all thought he could be when we were 10. and that is fine, because, who's that? who's the perfect role model?

i know everything. i am conscious. but liam truly was my whole world ever since i saw him with those boys on those stairs. liam was one of the people that became the reason i survived more than once, so how am i not gonna cry when i lose someone i always hold more than close to my heart?

i can't lie and say i'm ready to accept everything, what happened, how it happened. i can't lie and say that i've come to terms with the fact that the days pass by and people start to talk about other things and it feels like everyone is further and further from what happened while i'm here with my chest empty. i can't lie and say i'm not kind of mad at the whole universe, as if it had played the most unbelievable and sick joke on all of us. i won't lie and say i don't hate that i'm doing this, that i'm sad and listening to your songs with a bad taste in my mouth. but today, i started to think a little more of that little girl that felt safe because of you. if you -and the boys- taught me and inspired me to be strong, am i really going to give up like this?

i intend to keep on honoring what you meant in my life.

rest in peace liam. wherever you are, i will pray for your soul to be at peace. if there's a way -i really, honestly, wish there is a way- i hope you know you were are loved. i hope you can see how much love the world is expressing for you. i hope i get to exist in the same lifetime as you a thousand times more. i look forward to exist together again.

thank you for allowing me to see you grow up.

thank you for allowing me to grow up by your side.

you are sealed and embedded in my soul. i can promise that much.

[theteasetwrites]

The Dixon Problem

❧ Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader ❧ Era: Season 1 (The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning series) ❧ Pronouns: she/her ❧ Warnings: swearing, mild violence ❧ Word Count: 5k

❧ Summary: Not everyone is happy with the Dixons’ presence in the camp, especially Shane. When things go haywire, the only solution is a compromise, and to let Daryl know you care.

❧ A/N: I realize I’m posting this after a weird little argument over the ethics of zooming in on a man’s crotch but here we are. This is a fanfiction blog, believe it or not. Anyway, here’s another fic set in the same universe as The Beginning (I really like doing these ok), and this one takes place between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5. I really wanted to do some oneshots that would’ve happened before they got together because idk it just seems to cool to read about them before they kissed at the CDC and sort of build up to that. I find it fun to hint at their burgeoning attraction to one another, and how they’re both kind of in denial about their little crushes lol. We all know it was love at first sight. Also I loved writing Daryl fighting with Shane it was so fun. Daryl should’ve punched Shane in the show don’t @ me.

A deep huff escaped your lips as the back of your hand wiped the dripping sweat from your brow. The sun was a few hours from setting, but Georgia summers were unforgiving, and even a setting sun would prove to be dangerous if you didn’t hydrate.

Taking a sip of water from the crinkly plastic bottle, you watched Lori skillfully sew up the rips in one of Shane’s shirts. It was a skill you had neglected, but at one point, you were pretty good with a machine. Hand sewing was something else entirely.

“You’re so good at that,” you said. “How’d you learn?”

Lori smiled as she looked at you, staring in awe. “My mom sewed, my granny sewed, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my great granny sewed, too.”

“That’s sweet… Maybe you could teach me sometime?”

“Sure, but I thought you were trying to get Mr. Crossbow to teach you how to hunt?” She spoke with a crooked smile, on the verge of laughing. You failed to see what was so funny, frankly.

But mostly, you were embarrassed. The warm blush on your cheeks and the butterflies doing somersaults in your belly betrayed you, though you just pretended none of it was there.

“Well, he, uh, said I should learn how to fight first. He said he’d teach me that, though.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm… Why are you laughing?”

Lori lowered her head until her hair covered her face, but you heard a few snorts and giggles from beneath the dark curtain.

“You’re so cute,” she said. “That’s all.”

“Cute? Why am I cute?”

“You just are…” She leaned closer to speak in a quiet voice. “I bet Daryl thinks you’re really cute.”

You scoffed, trying to laugh it off as you awkwardly nudged her shoulder with yours. “Stop. That’s not funny. Not true, either. I think he finds me annoying.”

“Oh, really?” she asked. “What about the little rock he cracked open for you? That doesn’t sound like the actions of a man who’s annoyed.”

That “little rock” was now your prized possession. You had one half, and you’d let Daryl keep the other. It was a simple gesture, but it meant the world to you. That rock was a geode, something your father would’ve added to his extensive collection. Maybe you were thinking too much into it, and maybe it was cliché, but you liked to think that it represented the last beautiful thing in the world. You kept it by your cot, on full display so it was the first thing you saw each morning. Sometimes, the translucent purple shards would catch the new light that streamed through your tent in just the most perfect way.

“He was just being nice,” you said. “Daryl’s… really nice. I mean, he’s a little… grumpy, but he’s got a good heart. I can tell. I wouldn’t have brought him here if I didn’t think so.”

Before Lori could respond with another teasing quip, you both flinched at the sound of Daryl, the man you were just talking, and thinking a little too deeply, about. His voice was raised, one decibel away from being a yell. It sounded like it was coming from the center of camp, near Dale’s RV, so you both jogged over, anxious to see whatever was causing Daryl to yell a series of curse words and a few other words you couldn’t yet make out.

“Stupid cop!” you heard, now getting closer. “Who the hell do ya think you are?! This ain’t Miami Vice.”

You stumbled upon Daryl, with his chest puffed up and his hands moving vigorously along with his hostile words, in some kind of argument with Shane, who only shook his head with his hands on his waist as the bowman hurled insults his way.

“Listen, Dixon,” replied Shane, who was visibly also beginning to lose his temper, “we gotta maintain some order ‘round here. Now, I don’t give a shit ‘bout what you and your white trash redneck brother used to get up to in bumfuck nowhere, but there’s women and kids here, and I don’t want this shit ‘round ‘em.”

Oh, noble Shane, you thought to yourself, but then again, you still had no idea what the men were arguing about, so maybe he had a point. Still, you did take some issue to being compared to a child, but you weren’t about to jump in the middle of a fight between two burly, hotheaded men for the sake of feminism.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! It ain’t nothin’, Merle goes off into the woods to do it! Ain’t no women or children gonna get hurt. You’re just as stupid as you look, Columbo.”

“It ain’t them seein’ the drugs I’m worried about,” Shane replied, getting closer to Daryl until their chests were nearly touching. “It’s you and your ugly ass brother.”

Drugs? You knew Merle had a stash of drugs, including crystal meth, and most others figured it based on, well, everything about him, but you didn’t think Shane would pick a fight with Daryl over it. Maybe Merle himself, but not Daryl. Merle wasn’t even there that day, having taken his turn to go hunting, though he never brought back nearly as much as his brother. You weren’t sure if it was because Merle wasn’t a very good hunter, or because he just didn’t care enough to bring back food for your group, but either way, it was clear which brother was better.

“Man, that’s bullshit,” he replied, narrowing his eyes at Shane. “You wanna see a threat then look in the mirror. There’ll be a big arrogant prick starin’ back at ya.” Daryl punctuated his sentence by shoving the other man backwards, but before Daryl could strut away as he planned, Shane shoved him back.

“Watch yourself,” Daryl warned, voice low and raspy. “I don’t want your pig blood on my hands.”

He tried to brush past Shane, but the man was fuming. He shoved Daryl back once more, knocking him to the ground.

A puff of dirt swallowed his body as you let out a small gasp of disbelief. No one in the group had gotten physical with anyone like this yet. Maybe it was only a matter of time before it happened. After all, a group of several strangers under incredible physical and mental stress in the middle of the end of the world was a recipe for disaster, but you’d hoped it wouldn’t happen so soon.

All you could register was the sound of Daryl’s grunting before he sprung back up to sock Shane across the face, disorienting him. He soon struck back, but Daryl ducked and delivered a blow to Shane’s stomach.

Shane had managed to deliver a few blows of his own, but at this point, all you could focus on was thinking of a way to break them up without getting hurt yourself.

“H-hey!” you shouted out, along with Lori and several other women who’d gathered around, yelling to the men to stop. “Stop it!”

Dale was frantically climbing down the ladder of the RV, then greeted the scene with wide eyes. “Hey, hey! Break it up!” He managed to get his arms between the two of them, but he could only keep Shane back. Daryl even tried to get around Dale so he could deliver one last blow to Shane’s face, but T-Dog came up behind and pinned the enraged man’s arms back.

“Get offa me!” he yelled to T-Dog, then turned his attention back to Shane. “I’m gonna beat your ass, you hear me, bacon bits?!”

Dale stood between them, holding his hands out to keep them both at bay. Their chests swelled with heavy, panting breaths as their faces molded into their own unique scowls. Shane’s was terrifying, much more than Daryl’s. His dark brown eyes didn’t need to narrow at all, they were just as terrifying in their wideness. His mouth wasn’t agape, it was sealed shut as the breaths pumped out of his flared nostrils. He stood completely still, like a ticking time bomb. You’d never been more terrified of the man.

Daryl paced back and forth for a few feet on each side of him, his face much more natural looking, but still enraged. At least you could make some sense of Daryl in his anger. He didn’t send a shiver down your spine like Shane did. Well, and maybe you were a little partial to Daryl now, since he’d shown you kindness. In any case, the awkward silence that permeated the stiff, humid air was excruciating.

“Just calm down,” panted Dale, arms still outstretched between them. “What the hell is going on here?”

Shane huffed before speaking. “I was just tryin’ to have a civil conversation about the drug use goin’ on in this camp.”

“Drug use?” questioned Lori. “No, no way. No drugs, not around the kids. That’s the last thing we need right now.”

Daryl turned to look at Lori, not with anger, but confusion. He seemed troubled, unable to reconcile something in his head. His eyes squinted shut as he wiped his nose, which had just begun to bleed from the punch. He spat a glob of pinkish saliva onto the dirt ground, then turned back to face Shane.

“Talk to Merle,” was all he said. His voice was quieter now, almost timid, but still with an air of defensiveness.

He turned back again, in the direction of his tent. You met his glance for a moment, at which point he seemed to stop in his tracks. His foot backstepped, flashes of blue still on you until they averted to the ground. When he regained his focus, he moved quicker, more determined. Still, his confidence seemed drained after he looked your way, but all you could pay attention to now was Shane, who was walking directly towards you, huffing and puffing.

“What the hell were you thinkin’, bringin’ those meth heads here, huh? You stupid or somethin’? I thought you were some kinda… librarian.” He ended his sentence with a sarcastic chuckle.

Before you could respond, Lori spoke up, and thank God she did. You were still petrified by Shane’s aggression, and Lori knew him from before the fall. Maybe he’d actually listen to her.

“Stop it, Shane,” she scolded in an almost motherly tone. Fitting, since the argument between him and Daryl seemed more like that of children than two grown men in their thirties. “It’s done. No point in arguing about it.”

For your part, you took a moment to collect your thoughts, then spoke to Shane with as much bravado as you could muster. “It’s because of Daryl that we’re not starving to death,” you said.

Dale stepped forward, hand outstretched slightly to gesture towards you. “That’s a good point, but what about the drugs?”

You shook your head profusely. “I don’t know anything about any drugs.” That wasn’t true, you knew Merle was getting high, and that he was a dealer, but that honestly didn’t matter to you much at this point. As far as you were concerned, everything that had ever separated the human race from each other was out the window. Drug addicts were no different from Mormons now. Granted, Merle could be unpredictable, and you hated him, frankly, but Daryl and Merle seemed like a package deal, so you’d have to deal with both of them if your group was to reap the benefits of having a skilled hunter.

Plus, you might’ve fostered a bit of admiration for him. Friendly admiration, of course.

“Well, I just ain’t havin’ no crystal meth in this camp,” replied Shane. “And I’m about this close to killin’ your buddy, so’s as far as I’m concerned, this is your problem to solve if you wanna keep them here.”

Diplomacy wasn’t your strong suit, but if it kept Shane from kicking out the Dixon’s, you’d try your best to find some common ground.

“Compromise,” Dale said with a nod. “(Y/N), you should talk to Daryl, ask him to talk some sense into Merle when he gets back to camp. We give them shelter, they get rid of the drugs.”

It sounded more like an ultimatum than a compromise, but you were perhaps the only person who’d had any meaningful contact with the slightly more tolerable brother, so you put aside your reservations to head to the Dixons’ camp, several yards away from the rest of the group.

He was on one knee as he chopped the head off a squirrel on the sawed log he was using as a butcher block. The sound of the axe slicing through the flesh and digging into the wood was so powerful that you flinched, alerting the hunter to your presence.

Though he didn’t look your way. He simply set aside the axe and continued skinning the creature as if you weren’t there.

“You want a piece of me, too, woman?” he asked. “Whatever you gotta say, I ain’t in the mood.”

You bit your lip as you stood still, thinking of what to say. Daryl was tricky, you knew that. Sometimes he was nice to you, and sometimes he wanted nothing to do with you. No one in the camp knew how to deal with him, really. You only knew a little because you somehow found yourself trying to ingratiate yourself with him, but why? You still weren’t exactly sure.

“May I sit down?” you blurted out, thinking that might be the first step to talking to him.

He looked up at you then, with a suspicious glare.

“Why?”

Just as you were still trying to get used to talking to him, he was still trying to get used to your desire to talk to him in the first place. Why would a woman like you want anything to do with a man like him, anyway? Surely you had an ulterior motive, though he couldn’t deny there was something genuinely kind and soft about your face. Maybe even, dare he say, pretty? Not just physically, though he was painfully aware of that, but through and through, you were quite lovely. Well, that’s how it seemed, anyway.

Merle always said that women couldn’t be trusted, that if they weren’t childlike and dumb, they were manipulative and cunning. Nothing else, nothing in between. Of course, Daryl had a hard time believing that. People weren’t that simple, and Merle’s authority on the topic of women was questionable at best. Still, old habits die hard, and maybe he was just a little skeptical of your intentions. After all, no woman or man had ever shown this much interest in talking to him.

Daryl was, for all intents and purposes, a loser. He still felt like one, though he had to admit, when you brought him to your camp, insisting that your group needed him, he did feel a small sense of real, genuine pride, for the first time in his life. Maybe he had something to offer, something good he could do. Maybe you really wanted him there, and he wasn’t just a loser with a bad temper and a meth head brother.

His deeply ingrained insecurity, though, told him otherwise, and that you were only kind to him because of what he could offer your group, not because you actually appreciated him. But then again, the rest of the group had all but ignored him since he arrived, and you were the one who’d spoken more than five words to him at a time. That had to mean something, right?

“I want to talk to you,” you said simply. “So, can I?”

He chewed his lip as he looked you up and down, as if inspecting you. Wordlessly, he nodded, then lowered his head again to focus on the mutilated squirrel.

As you cleared your throat, you sat yourself on a dinky camping chair across from the fire pit. Both of you were silent for a little while, with only the sounds of flesh tearing from the muscle of the little furry critters Daryl was skinning. You watched with furrowed brows, though at a certain point, you had to stop looking, otherwise you’d get a little woozy, so you lifted your gaze to the top of Daryl’s head, covered in short, choppy brown hair.

Surprisingly, just before you were about to say something, Daryl spoke first. “I ain’t no meth head,” he said abruptly. “I don’t touch that shit.” Not anymore, he thought, but something stopped him. Could it be… embarrassment? Maybe shame. All he knew was there was a part of him that cared what you thought, for some odd reason. He’d trained himself not to give a damn about anything, though it was in his nature to. Why was your presence bringing out his sensitivity? It was a blessing and a curse. It hurts to care, he’d always thought. Nothing good could come of it. He cared once, before he knew how cruel people could be.

“I never said you did.”

“S’what you all think,” he replied. “Y’all think I’m some kinda… stupid redneck bastard.” Wouldn’t be wrong, a voice inside him retorted.

“I don’t think that.”

He finally raised his eyes again, glowering at you. “You will.”

It shouldn’t have hurt you, but it did, just a little bit. “I bet you I won’t.”

He shook his head and stood up to retrieve the red rag that was often dangling from his back pocket. Wiping his hands, he nodded towards you. “What’d ya really come over ‘ere for? They send ya over to kick me out?”

You shook your head immediately. “No, no. Not at all. Just… You need to tell Merle to quit with the drugs.”

Daryl scoffed, almost a laugh. “Askin’ Merle to give up crystal’s like askin’ him to cut off his own hand. ‘Sides, ya don’t think I’ve tried? Ain’t no use in it. Might as well jus’ kick us to the curb ‘cause it ain’t gonna happen.”

His apathy frustrated you, and you let out an exasperated, now quite irritated, puff of air. “So you’d rather live out in the woods by yourselves than in a group, with people who will look out for you?”

“None of these people will look out for me,” he scoffed.

“Well, I would.”

He looked your way again, this time not suspicious, but confused. “Why’d ya bring me and Merle here in the first place? All ya got to show for it is bein’ yelled at and bossed around by that asshole Shane.” He spat the man’s name out in obvious distaste.

“I told you,” you said, “I thought you would be able to help us… And you saved me. I’d be dead right now if it weren’t for you.”

He lowered his head again, busying himself by cleaning between his fingers with the rag in the hopes of distracting you from the obvious blush on his cheeks. When he didn’t respond, you realized you hadn’t asked him a similar question.

“Why’d you save me, anyway?” you asked, your voice a little more quiet, as if afraid of him even hearing it.

After all, you were a complete stranger, why should he have helped you? What you knew from human nature was that people often only helped others if they knew there was something in it for them. True altruism was hard to come by, and often not evolutionarily beneficial. Those who helped others and put themselves in danger often died out before their lineage could carry on. Well, that was your vague memories of anthropology class resurfacing, but it still applied.

Indeed, you yourself hadn’t been acting out of true altruism. You had decided to bring Merle and Daryl into the fold because they were hunters, and they could benefit your group by providing your people sustenance. But Daryl’s motivations were less clear.

He swallowed hard as thought for a moment, himself now forced with the reality of facing that question. Why did he help you?

For the next several moments, he transported himself to that day just a month ago, when he was trudging around in the woods outside Atlanta, listening to Merle ramble on about some drunken memory, a relic of his “glory days” that he seemed unable to forget about. They had no destination, no idea where they were going. They’d tried the refugee center in the city, but that had been overrun about as soon as it was set up. Merle was quite content to rough it, and so was Daryl, so long as there weren’t flesh-eating monsters roaming around.

When he heard the rather faint sound of a woman screaming, somewhere ahead in the maze of aspen trees dotting the humid forest, something in him switched, and though he remembered the muffled sound of Merle’s protesting, all he could hear at the time was the scream getting closer and closer.

Soon he was in a small clearing, setting sight on a decrepit creature. Below it were two squirming legs, belonging to the screaming woman who was just inches away from becoming something’s lunch.

Without hesitation, he lifted his bow to shoot, snagging the creature in the head until it fell less than gracefully onto your chest. Pushing the body off, you faced him, mouth panting and eyes hazy with tears.

He tried to think of what he thought then, but it was difficult to put himself in that position again. He only remembered your face, how scared you were. You seemed so fragile, and yet somehow brave enough to look him in the eye. Most of all, you were peculiar to him, different from anyone or anything he’d seen before. Of course, there was nothing particularly strange looking about you, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. You were just… special, with a calming aura of warmth around you, something he was instinctively drawn to for whatever reason.

So, how was he supposed to explain that? You seemed special, important, warm… Creepy. He knew that would’ve sounded creepy. He was already embarrassed from Shane’s display earlier, and his stomach stung to think of you seeing that cop strike him across the face, to appear weak. Once again, he wondered why he cared in the first place.

He finally settled for a somewhat satisfactory explanation. “S’just what people do.”

Indeed, he would’ve done it for anyone. That wasn’t the issue Daryl struggled with, he knew right from wrong, for the most part. He struggled with understanding why you looked at him the way you did, and why he found himself wanting to keep you safe even after the creature attacking you was long dead.

At least you seemed happy with that answer, as one corner of your lips upturned into a small smile. “Well, I am sure some people wouldn’t have done anything. I’m really grateful… And I really don’t want you to go. Merle… I will put up with him if it means you stay here, but if you could please talk to him, try to get him to at least hide the drugs better and maybe go further away from camp to do it, I’d be even more grateful.”

Though he had no idea how he was going to get Merle to agree to changing anything about himself, he couldn’t deny that you were convincing. Something about your wide, almost pleading eyes. Somehow, making you happy seemed to make him happy, too.

“I’ll try,” he said. “But I ain’t promisin’ anything. Merle don’t care ‘bout what I got to say.”

“Well, he should,” you said as you stood to your feet. “He’s your brother… I have a brother, too. We used to talk all the time, though we sort of lost touch before all this.” You gestured around vaguely, ending your sentence with a small nervous chuckle.

Daryl almost didn’t speak, didn’t want to ask what he was thinking, but the look on your face as your lips began to droop and your eyes became vague made him wonder if maybe you needed to talk about it.

“Where is he?” he asked simply, though he immediately began to regret it when he noticed you shifting awkwardly where you stood. “I mean… I, uh… Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you replied with a shake of your head. “No, it’s fine. He’s, well… I don’t know where he is. Last time we talked he was in Atlanta. Actually, that’s why I was headed there when it happened.”

“It’s okay,” you replied with a shake of your head. “No, it’s fine. He’s, well… I don’t know where he is. Last time we talked he was in Atlanta. Actually, that’s why I was headed there when it happened.”

It seemed to be a universally agreed upon signifier. The fall, the turn, the apocalypse, the plague… Everyone called it something different, but what it all came down to was The End, or The Beginning, depending on who you asked.

“Sorry,” was all he could reply, though he found himself going further, speaking more than he normally would’ve. “Hope he’s all right.”

That meant more to you than anything anyone had ever said to you since the world turned. You hadn’t told anyone about your brother, and you weren’t sure why you decided to tell Daryl, but it felt right. In a world where everything was suddenly wrong, lots of things still felt right, all of which had to do with him. Strange.

“Thank you. I do too. He means a lot to me… I’m sure your brother means a lot to you, too, so I understand why you care so much about him. He’s lucky to have you as a brother.”

If Daryl wasn’t so strangely calmed by your presence in this moment, he might’ve protested to the assertion that Merle meant a lot to him, but he supposed he really did, whether or not Daryl liked it.

As he shifted his shoulders, he raised his hand to scratch his neck, chewing the inside of his bottom lip all the while. The unique little nervous mannerisms he had were already becoming part of your ever-growing encyclopedia of quirks Daryl displayed, and you had to say you found that quite endearing. Indeed, you truly felt that Daryl could become a friend. You wanted him to be a friend.

It reminded you that Daryl spent almost all of his time alone. Whenever Merle was gone or at the edge of camp getting up to his illicit activities, Daryl was by himself. You figured he had to get lonely, and surely the sole company of a man like Merle would eventually drive him insane, even if he was his brother.

“Daryl?” you asked, moving closer as you tried to telepathically direct his gaze up at you.

He did, and a flash of silvery blue eyes that caught little sparkles of light from the sun looked up at you. His eyes were quite deep set and narrow, making them seem at first glance to be cold and uninviting, but that wasn’t really the case at all. Now that you saw them in full view, there was mystery there, something waiting to be revealed. You had a feeling whatever it was, it was something lovely. Your curiosity made you eager to get to the bottom of it.

“Yeah?”

Even the strange softness of his often rough, gravelly voice struck you. As he licked his chapped lips, you found yourself trailing your eyes to his light stubble, sparse on his cheeks but more concentrated around his lips, which weren’t particularly full, but beautifully sculpted as if by delicate, intentional little hands. You found his face much more tolerable than his brother’s. Handsome, even. Perhaps not an A-list Hollywood movie star (certainly no one so clean-cut as Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, both of whom you had at one point hung posters of on your closet door in the mid-nineties) but he had been blessed with good proportions and a pleasant visage that you only dwelled on for a moment until your subconsciousness took the image into its darkest recesses. The last thing you needed to do today was to admire a man’s physical appearance, though it did tempt you for just a few seconds. Maybe a few more.

“You should really join us for dinner tonight,” you said. “You know, around the fire… Dale’s going to make something special. I have no idea what, he says it’s a surprise.”

When his breath seemed to hitch and his muscles flexed in seemingly anxious response, you quickly tried to explain yourself. “I mean, I know it’s awkward, with the Shane thing… but Shane has watch during dinner tonight. Maybe you can just… talk to me, and Dale, Andrea, Amy, Glenn, Jacqui… We all sort of congregate, talk a little bit. I’m sure they’d like to get to know you more.”

He found himself wondering how to respond, how to tell you that he hated talking, especially to people he hardly knew. Then again, he liked talking to you. That was clear to him.

“Maybe… I dunno.”

Though you didn’t want to pressure him, it was hard not to try to convince him. You were shy sometimes, too, but the older you got, the more you realized that you needed people, and that couldn’t be more evident than right now, when people were hard to come by.

“All we have is each other,” you said. “You told me that the world’s never gonna be like how it was, and you’re right. We should never take people for granted anymore.”

He’d never wrap his head around the way you spoke sometimes, how you could be so articulate and intelligent, and at other times, so high-strung or bubbly or aloof… You were about as hard to read to him as he was to you.

“I’ll try,” was all he replied.

“That’s all that matters.”

When he briefly lurked around the fire that night, exchanging a few brief words with Dale and Andrea (and you, of course), you felt like you’d gotten somewhere further with the temperamental hunter.

He didn’t stay for long, and hardly ate any of Dale’s “mushroom mash,” but it was something, and though the day started with a fight between Shane and Daryl, it ended with the latter feeling just a little more welcome.

Most of all, you had no regrets about bringing Daryl Dixon to your camp. You had a feeling it was the right thing to do.

~

Thanks for reading! Likes, reblogs, and comments of any kind are always appreciated!

Masterlist

[misc-obeyme]

Can we talk about Solomon...? Tbh in the OG obey me game i never found him interesting, that is until Nightbringer came out. He feels much more fleshed out here, and i think it's cute that both Solomon and MC share a living space together as if they're married.

I also find it very interesting that Solomon is based on the REAL King Solomon of Israel. There's so much lore surrounding him, and i find it kinda sad that the devs don't use it to their full potential to the plot. Of course, they make references here and there, plus his pacts with Barbatos and asmodeus, but i feel like they could do much more?

Can we talk about how biblical lore, King Solomon, also had (foreign) 700 wives and 300 concubines, and his greatest sin was in building temples for the gods that his wives worshipped Young Solomon is a playboy xD even though i'm sure he married all of those women for power, so it's more likely not out of love but more political expediency? and apparently, "his wives turned his heart after other gods” (Kings 11:4), and thus, he built shrines to the gods of their religions. In the biblical account of his reign, God tells Solomon he will punish him for his apostasy by breaking up his kingdom after his death. Seeing how Solomon is still alive in the Obey me universe, that would mean he had to witness his kingdom being split into two kingdoms (The people revolted against heavy taxes levied by Solomon and his son, Rehoboam). He also probably had to watch many people he truly cared about pass away. (Do you remember that one Gif in the OG Obey me that he was crying in front of a grave??)

BUT, as I mentioned before, since he had many wives, naturally, he had children as well. The documented children of his were Rehoboam, Menelik I, Taphath, and Basemath.

So maybe the reason why the devs didn't mention this might be because fans might get jealous? Seeing how many were upset when Thirteen (the first female character) was announced because they were threatened that she might be stealing the boys, I can see why they didn't include that information.

-Angsty Anon

It does seem like more people are enjoying Solomon since Nightbringer! In fact, the fic I wrote about Solomon shortly after NB came out was the first time one of my fics really took off - it got so many notes in the first day or so and I was so confused lol.

Anyway, I personally started to really enjoy Solomon's character in season three of the OG, but they definitely made him more prominent in NB! And of course I loved that he and MC were living together... it was so cute, nearly all my Solomon centered fics after that are about them in Cocytus Hall.

As for the Biblical lore, I can guarantee you it had everything to do with not wanting any of the love interests to have had any wives in their past. Of course, they don't explicitly say as much, so I think you could headcanon that Solomon still had all his 700 wives and 300 concubines.

I also think they don't go too heavy on the Biblical stuff for the reason of not wanting to offend people who actually believe in this as a religion. I think there's probably only so much you can really use if you want it to stay somewhat neutral in that regard.

By only loosely basing Solomon on the real King Solomon, they give themselves the space to do whatever they want with his character. They're not as bound by the source material. So they only pick and choose the parts they want to include.

I think they do this for the entire story, honestly, not just Solomon. For instance, who is Diavolo even supposed to be? I always thought he was supposed to be kind of a stand in for "the Devil" you know?

But anyway, I digress.

I think they kind of completely rewrote Solomon's past. Considering how he was said to be locked up in a basement as a child, after which he was brought to the Fountain of Knowledge by Barbatos... so when was he actually King? Perhaps after that? And maybe it was then that he would have had all the wives and such?

I definitely remember that particular gif... I made everybody upset when I suggested that it was MC's grave he was crying at lol. Sorry, guys.

But it could just as easily be a wife he actually loved or one of his sons. (Though how is it he only has four sons when he has 700 wives and 300 concubines?? I don't know anything about Bible stuff lol perhaps these are just the ones with names??)

Anyway, I'm fairly certain that people wouldn't like him to have all those wives and concubines. Maybe one wife could be handled, you know, because she'd obviously have been dead for a long time. But I dunno. People get jealous over the idea that Solomon was Lilith's lover, too. So probably best for the game if they just don't go there at all lol.

I do think it would be interesting if they introduced another demon that he happens to have a pact with. We never see any of the others, but I suppose that's more about a lack of space... it's not like they can add 70 characters... in fact, I take it back I am glad they've kept it to the two we have, no more are needed, thanks!

[corleonewrites]

La Vérité

AU: Anatomy of a Fall (2023)

Vincent Renzi x Original Female Character fanfic.

Summary: Two people connected by the same past. Two lawyers. And one tangled case which brought them back together again, giving them the opportunity to sort out their feelings towards each other, no matter how painful memories are to both of them can be.

Chapter 6. Symphony No. 3 in F Major, Op. 90 - III. Poco allegretto

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With the development of the case and between court hearings I’ve noticed some things in relationships between Vincent and Sandra. It could be seen in their small talks, glances and I was afraid to admit to myself that probably there was something between them that I couldn’t figure out but probably could understand completely. I was hoping that it was all my imagination. Because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I still felt something deep for Vincent, even though I used to cry my eyes out very late at night because of him.

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“What are you thinking about? It seems like you’re somewhere else all the time”, Vincent’s question brought me back to present, when I was lost in my thoughts again, when we were waiting for our cups of coffee early in the morning at one of local cafés in the center of Grenoble.

The distance between us was growing again, even though we spent all of our free time together either in cafes or at hotel room working on case and saying our thoughts and ideas. We never talked about something else. And I felt the growing hate towards him, and how everything collapsed because of him: our relationships, my love, my trust. I kept recalling it and couldn’t believe how did I agree to work with him after he hurt me like that. And now I saw him having little chats with Sandra, when we’re visiting her place, it irritated me even more, I felt like I was in a trap and I couldn’t escape it.

I hided my eyes by putting back my sunglasses on, lighted up my cigarette, inhaling smoke, and replied dryly:

“I don’t know, I just have these thoughts in my head, that’s all”

“What kind of thoughts?”

I gave Vincent a look which he couldn’t see behind my sunglasses:

“You know what kind of”

“No, I don’t. Tell me, Camille…”

I sighed loudly and put cigarette inside the ashtray even though I didn’t finish smoking it:

“I’m not in the mood of talking, monsieur Renzi, especially now and particularly about them. So, if you don’t mind, I’d rather sit quietly and wait for my cup of coffee”

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During my studies monsieur Renzi and mademoiselle Cadieux were circling around between us not only when we were inside the university walls but also when we wanted to highlighted something: when we were angry or when we were happy, when we wanted to put extra attention on it.

Our meetings after that Jean-Paul’s birthday evening transformed into an affair: very deep and passionate one. We used to meet each other after classes, spending time together, kissing, hugging, talking about everything that worried us. It felt like I’ve finally met someone who could understand me and who could love me for who I am with all my insecurities, strangeness and my melancholy.

Of course, I didn’t forget about my studies: I had a lack of sleep, but I always came to university prepared to explain additional details about my degree essay and what I was planning to develop later, after the critique and tutorials. That’s how the rest of the autumn passed by. And so did December. We spent Christmas night together; it was my first time when I’ve visited Vincent’s place and it was my first time to spend night together with a man. It was thrilling, it was scary and yet it was significant and unexplainable at the same time.

I didn’t know how long would our affair last, I was living in the moment, afraid to think about the future, despite the fact that sometimes my thoughts let myself to think that it would be a long-lasting one. But it wasn’t. And during springtime, when everyone was falling in love our relationships were falling apart.

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“What do you think about Brahms?”, Vincent turned towards me, making me stop in the middle of the crowded street, when we were heading back to our hotels after one of those exhausted hearings which we had, when all the evidence was against us and neither my nor Vincent’s attempts were successful.

I looked closely at Renzi, figuring out what did he mean. He knew that I loved listening to classic music, and then I saw a poster behind his back, informing the citizens of Grenoble about the upcoming concert, dedicating to the music of Johannes Brahms. And the puzzle sorted out in my head.

“Positively.”

“Maybe he’s music will help us to relax a little, before the final fight”, Vincent smirked, also turning back and looking at the poster, “We honestly need that”

I just sighed, imagining how difficult it was going to be for us as lawyers, how tired I was, and how I wanted it to finally be over and how hard I wanted to get away from this place.

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During the whole concert I had a strange feeling that I was listening to the music and I wasn’t there at the same time: for some seconds I thought that I was looking at myself from the side, catching Vincent’s gaze at the same time. Funny how it was irritating me, because of all those glances that I’ve seen between him and Sandra, and it felt like he was playing some kind of the unfunny joke on me: baiting my interest again, forgetting how painful it was for me when we were breaking up.

The concert was almost over, when I heard my most favourite piece from Brahms: Symphony No. 3 in F Major, Op. 90 - III. Poco allegretto. It is very beautiful, mesmerizing, sad and cheerful at the same time, the emotions that a person can feel when listening to it are unexplainable. In one moment, I felt something running down my right cheek: it didn’t occur to me that tears were coming down my eyes and I felt embarrassing and angry at myself at the same time: I didn’t want to let Vincent see my tears. I realized that it was all my emotions which was trying to keep inside me were suddenly bursting out: the space inside of me was full.

I glanced at Renzi, when was imperceptibly trying to wipe away the tears with the back of my hand, hoping that he didn’t see them. I didn’t want to leave my seat, even though I felt myself awful and embarrassed, promising myself to cry all of my anger and sadness out in the dark hotel room. Luckily my companion looked at me only when the music finished and my tears were dry. And I was holding on with all my might so as not to run out of the concert hall on that exact moment.

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Of course, I didn’t know what I could possibly do wrong, everything seemed alright and okay when Vincent and I had an affair. Both of us didn’t give each other a second thought or a worry. But suddenly it broke down somewhere.

It was a springtime, when I was finishing my degree essay, getting it ready to be presented during final assessment and exams. Suddenly, he began to be colder and untalkative, I felt it not only during our lessons or tutorials, but also outside the university. He was responding only with one sentence or couple of words, we began to talk only about my essay. My first thought was that he was tired with all of his teaching, and began to blame myself for spending my time with him when he probably wanted to be alone. Clearly something wasn’t right. But when I asked him if something was wrong, Vincent dryly replied that it was all fine and he was just tired.

I left university for Easter holidays and for final weeks of studies and decided to work on my essay in England, at my father’s house: I made a decision to rethink our relationships with Renzi, but it was him who decided to abruptly cut them off.

My phone ranged.

“I’m calling to have a talk with you.”

My heart dropped.

“Don’t get me wrong, and, please, don’t blame yourself. It’s not you, Camille. It’s me. It was all my fault right from the beginning. You’re one of the most wonderful girls that I’ve met and I really like you…”, he made a pause, I heard his breath, “A lot. I honestly think about you all the time. But, I think that you’re too young for me”, he made a pause again, probably trying to find right words, and continued, “It’s all messed up and mixed teacher/student/lover relationships are surreal and feel not right. I think that both of us understand it, even if now we’re pretending that it’s all alright. I know that you understand me, Camille”

I don’t remember what did he say to me after these words. Probably, something like “I hope we’ll stay friends, I don’t want to sound like coward”. But I remembered how I silently closed the door to my room, closed all my studying books, get on the floor and cried uncontrollably for the rest of the evening.

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La Vérité masterlist

[chairteeth]

Greek love styles as applied to Touka and Nemu

Welcome one and all to another instance of “Nahi rambles on and on about the blorbos”! This time, brought to you by my friend @abarero (her very lovely essay on this same topic except applied to Mikoto and Hanna inspired this). For those of you unfamiliar with the Greek styles of love, not to worry, I will provide definitions for each term, and I will clarify that they don’t cover only romantic love. Given my aspec TouNemu headcanons, I’d be in trouble if they did. Anyway, remember that the person writing this is both the foremost scholar in TouNemu and also probably the biggest shipper of the two, so for the best experience you will have to read this from the perspective of “yes those two are canon”. And also from the perspective of “these two are people in their universe that existed before canon and will exist beyond canon”. Oh, and spoilers for the TouNemu part of the Arc 2 finale, but I mean, I think most people are at least vaguely familiar with what happened, given PH and all that.

First of all, I call these “love styles” because that is what my teachers and mentors called them when teaching me about them (why yes Nahi is academically and culturally qualified to speak on Grecoroman stuff, unexpected I know). You may see them talked about as just different words for love, or different concepts. These styles are recognizable in people, and sometimes you can tell someone has one of them as their primary style, sometimes you can see the secondary one, there are many variables. Most people experience each of them at some point in their lives. So, let’s begin with philia:

> Philia is the kind of love that strong friends feel toward each other. However, it doesn’t stop there. The Greek philosopher Plato thought that philia was an even greater love than eros and that the strongest loving relationships were ones where philia led to eros: a “friends become lovers” situation. Our concept of platonic love—love that isn’t based on physical attraction—comes from this Platonic philosophy. Philia is a type of love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.

Fun fact, the ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals (in reference to the historical inequality between men and women and the historical expectation for one’s friends to be the same sex and one’s romantic partner to be the opposite, needless to say this does not apply when we’re talking about two girls). I thought philia would be a nice, comfortable, easy place to start. Because sure, Touka and Nemu used to fight when they first met, but while important, that is literally not even one fifth of their relationship.

The way Touka and Nemu developed their relationship does actually involve philia, and therefore they continue to have it later in life, like the nourishing soil for their relationship. I believe this is a vitally important and extremely strong foundation they've built. I’ve said this before elsewhere, but despite my enthusiastic shipping of the pair, I wouldn't describe them as the “typical” lovers. Because yes, there’s that, but there’s also so much more to their bond than that, and this is one of the essentials. My timeline in my head for how the relationship would’ve even happened puts the earliest possible point where they could start dating(?) at around Cherry Blossom Dreams, so that's a good half of the game canon and pre-Arc 1 where it was just mounting philia for them. Bare basics! Highly important! Plus, if you go the demi route of the aspec interpretation, they kind of need to have a strong emotional bond via philia first. Or, given that they refused to call each other friends for so long, my favorite: weird undefined thing that grows and changes but we're not gonna put a label on it exactly because it doesn’t quite fit any preexisting ones/it doesn’t feel right. Or if you want to be funny, you can call them lab partners, since that is part of what they are to each other at least during Arc 2. This entire thing is also why I most often pick “partners” as their term of preference, “partner” feels like a wider scope than “girlfriend/wife” and fits them perfectly.

Now, time for storge:

> Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. It's a protective, familial love, often felt by parents toward their children and vice versa. Storge also describes the love that siblings feel towards each other, and the love felt by even more distant kin relationships, such as a grandparent for a grandchild or an uncle toward a niece. It can even be found among childhood friends that have grown up together.

Evidently, storge applies to Touka and Nemu. Between one another, yes, but I feel it especially from them towards say Iroha (and Ui, after the crush passed), towards Sakurako, or from Touka to her dad (I am not mentioning Nemu and her parents because what Nemu feels towards her parents is filial piety and desperation for love, not love). TouNemu specifically tend to feel at least a little protective of the people they love in this manner and try to look after them. Less intense than their protectiveness of each other, in part because well, other people have Others. They do not. Storge feels like it's woven into philia from their hospital days, a natural development that likely happened alongside philia in a way. Not much more to say here I think

Next up, agape:

> Agape is selfless universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. This love is unconditional, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion and an infinite empathy that you extended to everyone, whether they are family members or distant strangers. More interestingly, agape is often defined as unconditional, sacrificial love. The kind of love that is felt by a person willing to do anything for another, including sacrificing themselves, without expecting anything in return. According to the Greeks, this was the highest and most radical type of love. It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations, and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

*slams hands on table* YOU SEE. The selfless love for humanity to save strangers and whatever is there with Touka and Nemu, but not really as important as other parts of agape, they have higher priorities (this part of agape I feel is way more prevalent in Ui or Iroha). Unconditional and sometimes sacrificial love for each other, though? Loving without expectations or pressure? Most definitely! Absolutely. They even do this in lesser ways with other close loved ones. I do not think I have to point out the examples from canon, they've tried to kill themselves like five times give or take, and almost always you can trace their reasoning back to love in some way (in between all the trauma and guilt), plus some decisions about the specifics of their little self-immolation schemes are so clearly made with a sense of equality, partnership with each other. The unconditional part is something that’s very important for them to receive from each other. One of the reasons they trust each other so much is precisely how much they respect the other when it comes to boundaries, as well as the lack of expectations/conditions, which I’ve talked about before in other essays I believe.

So! The funny stalker love now!

> Mania love is a type of excessive love that leads someone into madness and obsessiveness. Although not necessarily and not universal, examples of mania could be what a jilted lover feels when they are extremely jealous of a rival, the unhealthy obsession that can result from mental illness, the kind of “love” that a stalker feels toward their victim, etc. To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their own value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers, feeling as though they desperately “need” their partners. If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. Mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.

I mean. They absolutely have it. It’s not too major for them, or at least not in the traditional sense. I don't think it's the unhealthy sort. They do display obsessive behavior at times (usually relatively minor, but I imagine it'd be worse if they weren't constantly joined at the hip, Touka was not exactly happy when Nemu got kidnapped by former Feathers in the IroYachi event), and I've argued before with screenshot evidence that both of them are possessive with both things/concepts and people. With how their relationship map has evolved, this behavior is mostly in their heads and applies to each other the most. There's a level of entitlement to the other and defensiveness they have too, and honestly, the depths their love reaches would 100% be considered madness. I mean. Must I point at the Arc 2 finale and that very fun decision of shedding their humanity and leaving their world, lives, dreams, aspirations, legacy and memories behind to live together in space? That's not normal person behavior, especially when it involves Exploding In Public as the preamble/step 1. THAT'S NOT NORMAL PERSON BEHAVIOR… Mania is usually seen as bad because the famous examples are all one-sided and on the very extreme, but I mean, what's wrong with two-sided mania? They seem fine to me. Codependent, but surprisingly functional in spite of that—I think they feel secure in their relationship at the moment. That said, if you just did a handful of very specific things, such as, say, very bad things happening to the other every time they’re apart… well, can you really tell me it wouldn’t amp up their paranoia and possessive protectiveness? Really think about it. If you pushed the right buttons, you could easily bring the mania to the surface.

Anyway, next up, my favorite that I named a fic after (yes you should read it if you haven’t already), pragma:

> Pragma is a committed, compassionate love that often grows as two partners continue to cherish and care for each other. This type of love is associated with being together for a long time and often seen in long term best friend marriages. It's an everlasting love between a couple that chooses to put equal effort into their relationship. Commitment and dedication are required to reach this level. Instead of “falling in love,” you are “standing in love” with the partner you want by your side indefinitely. Pragma is a unique sort of closely bonded love that can only grow over time and matures over the years. A love built on commitment, mutual understanding, and long-term interests, like (the easiest example) building a family. It's very meaningful and not a bond that is likely to ever break due to its foundations being so strong.

So basically intense devotion, mutual understanding, and the single most “partner” love. The “I will stand by your side no matter what” love. The kind that pays attention to the tiniest details and quietly makes adjustments as needed, the kind that Knows. Do I have to say anything? Do I really? This is TouNemu to a T. I will die on the hill that TouNemu's primary love style with each other is pragma.

I was not looking forward to this part considering the state of media literacy and reading comprehension, but here it is, eros:

> Eros is passion, lust and pleasure. Sensual, physical love. Romance is included here. Examples of eros would be the intense love felt between, well, lovers. The ancient Greeks considered eros to be dangerous and frightening, as it involves a “loss of control” through primal impulses.

I think this one is the most difficult to explain, if only because it clashes with my interpretation of the girls as being in the aspec, but if we're talking physical, I do 100% think that physical affection (and yes, sex) is/would be important for both Touka and Nemu, with the headcanon for Nemu having high libido issues being pretty much unanimously accepted among the TouNemu cult (because it does have canon basis and the ace + high libido combo is interesting to toy with). It's a lot about grounding for them, I feel. Touch is grounding for them because they've never had it and they therefore crave it, a more solid anchor than anything else, and like a sort of lifebuoy that I feel they can throw at one another if they notice The Signs, while at the same time being very gentle. As a friend of mine also recognized when discussing this in DMs, if anyone were to recognize their specific signs of their dissociation/panic, it would be the other, because they essentially developed these defense mechanisms and coping skills together. Plus, it's a multi-sensory anchor: the touch isn't just about texture, but also warmth, and the rhythm of breathing, and the subtle shifting of your partner, and their closeness, and the slight moisture of their breath. And that's just the tactile portion! It's also major with scent and sound and There Is A Lot.

Gentleness is one thing, but if you go into the kink side a little more, there's controlled aggression, the sting of a pain you can control (since it can stop with a single word or gesture/you get to be the one dishing it out for once), the other sorts of sensory craving that things like temperature play can satisfy. It's a lot about control in this case. I have so many thoughts and feelings about TouNemu's physicality- it's comforting to them both for grounding reasons and the emotional security in feeling the signs of presence and life in the one person they know they can rely on. There is a bit too much to get into right now (I could majorly elaborate on the sex and kink thing if asked), so we shall move on.

Yet another one I’m anxious about sharing for the same reasons as eros… Ludus.

> Ludus is playful, often noncommittal love. It covers things like flirting, crushes, courtship, seduction, and casual sex. Ludus is that feeling we have when we go through the early stages of falling in love with someone, e.g. the fluttering heart, flirting, teasing, and feelings of euphoria. The word means “play” or “game” in Latin, and that pretty much explains what ludus is: love as a game. When it comes to ludus, a person is not looking for a committed relationship. People who are after ludus are just looking to have fun or view sex as a prize to be won. A friends with benefits situation would be an example of a relationship built on ludus: neither partner is interested in commitment. Of course, ludus may eventually result in eros if feelings of passion or romance emerge during the relationship. After all, playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships, yet it’s one of the secrets to keeping your love alive, interesting and exciting.

Throwing the noncommittal part completely into the trash for the canon timeline analysis, Touka and Nemu’s entire relationship is based on teasing and mind games. They are the only people they act playful towards or joke with at all—they will, on rare occasions, also tease Ui, but it doesn’t feel the same with her because Ui doesn’t really play their game. Their whole thing is exactly this. And since ludus, like all the other styles, can overlap with other styles of love, you really don’t have to compromise on the girls’ philia or pragma to agree that they have a healthy degree of ludus in their relationship by nature. It’s something they treat as unique to their relationship too, which is interesting. 

They're NOT AT ALL noncommittal or “casual” about each other, however they do like to treat their relationship like a sort of “game”. Their mind games and verbal sniping are in fact courtship, I think it relates to intellectual stimulation and poking the other around. In this sense they are basically seeking enrichment, fun, while also letting their relationship be extremely intense and mostly undefined. And I would be lying if I said I haven't had many AUs where these two started out as friends with benefits or went through that phase before settling into commitment (because they're stupid and in denial and allergic to vulnerability). It's a fascinating avenue to explore with them, particularly because a relationship that you negotiate and agree on being “no strings attached” (lmao good luck you idiots) avoids things they're terrible at such as The Big Emotions, so it's also a safety net. And a way to remain “close” and develop trust without necessarily being traditionally emotionally vulnerable. Not to mention that as an established relationship, I fully believe they would have business meetings every month to discuss the state of it; feedback, any necessary grievances they want to air, working together on problem-solving, etc.

Lastly, another big one! Philautia!

> Philautia refers to how a person views themselves and how they feel about their own body and mind. So essentially, self-love/self-esteem (good) and/or hubris (bad). The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. People with high self-esteem, pride in themselves, or a positive body image practice a healthy version of philautia. Of course, philautia has a negative version, there is such a thing as excessive self-esteem/arrogance.

Let me tell you self-love is horrendous for both Touka and Nemu. Nemu is way worse at this than Touka. I don’t know what you expected me to say, but they simultaneously have huge egos and also the lowest self-esteem known to man. You can see this clearly in the ways they interact with others and the ways they objectify and dehumanize themselves respectively. I'm not sure I've talked about this at length before, but it holds true in every iteration of their characters, no matter what.

Touka is a little complicated to examine with this, with the simultaneous sense of both superiority and inferiority. She knows she sucks at socializing. She knows she’s the best in her fields. She may be young, but she’s not stupid. Assigning roles to herself and using her knowledge (hence her shoehorning sciency things in conversation) are the only ways she knows how to socialize, and as I’ve analyzed in other essays before, in Touka’s mind, all of her worth hinges on her intelligence. It’s what she’s been told her entire life: you’re so smart, that’s incredible, you’re so much more intelligent than others. The role of “genius” is what gives her a framework for how to interact with people, and Nemu threw that out of whack because she made Touka go off-script. Touka hadn’t prepared to deal with someone as smart as her. She hadn’t thought she’d have an equal. As a Magius, the way she acts is also mostly within the confines of her role, her job, what she’s expected to be like and what she’s expected to do. It’s all scripted. It’s the only way she thinks she can navigate most social interactions and communicate with People (capitalized because as I’ve said before, Touka and Nemu do not consider each other people, they consider each other a sort of part of themselves, something that cannot be handled the same way as People).

As for Nemu, boy buddy boy does this idiot self-flagellate. Not only is she introspective and the type to overthink everything and conclude she deserves nothing but the flames of Avici (her words, not mine), but she’s also painfully repressed in so many ways. I’ll go into all of this more in one of my upcoming essays that examines Nemu through a Buddhist lens (because she is Buddhist). The main point is that while Touka uses her masks and the enforcement of “roles” in order to navigate socialization, Nemu appears to be much better at it, but that’s really just an illusion. It’s because she knows how people speak. All she does is read, and she’s a writer, so there’s no way she wouldn’t. Is it genuine? Not really. She’s polite, though. In that sense she is the very example of a “proper” lady (Japan standards). Speaks nicely, can carry a conversation with perfect normalcy, etc. The only exceptions are Touka, whenever she decides someone is her enemy (such as Mikazuki when she was a Magius or Felicia in Ui’s MGS), and Sakurako who she speaks to with genuine motherly affection. It’s very. Very interesting. I am vibrating trying not to go into how this relates to her being a Buddhist because that is FOR THE OTHER ESSAY. Shh. Sh. Moving on.

Touka and Nemu are ultimately not made to be human, yet they are so very human nonetheless, and it shows in their hearts. There's an ache there. A desire to belong. But that desire feels lost and contradictory with the way they’re treated and with their other desires. And, no matter how hard they try, they can never find a home in those around them. Their sights are set too high, no other can match that, and so they feel alien and out of place with people besides one another. They both have very strong hearts, especially when they're together, and unlike say Iroha (who is all too human and thus yearns to return to a place she felt she belonged post-Arc 2), they make peace with their own departure. They never belonged anyway. Their place is not among the masses. This is why they have absolutely no qualms basically cutting ties with the mortal world for their ascension. They fully believe it's the best they can do, both for themselves and others. And while this dehumanization of the self can often either cause or be because of self-loathing, it also may not, or may grow past it. I think that's what we were seeing with the ascension, actually, it felt like chains snapping off and letting them fly, letting them finally pursue their goals unhindered, with each other as eternal support and without the constraints of human society that they’d always endured.

OKAY! That is the gist of it! Hope everyone enjoyed me going on another rant.

[theloveinc]

I love ex boyfriend bakugo so much you don't even know

actually i do know because i feel the SAME. my love for ex bakugo is unyielding. endless. forever. and i actually wrote a bunch for him a couple months ago when another anon brought it up but... got scared they'd hate what i had down so i....... put it on the shelf. i'll have to find it maybe... if ppl want.

ANYWAY... like. there is truly just no way to go wrong with him. there is just no universe where he isn't either a depressed, miserable, longing ex or an kind, gentle and regretful one (or some variation of). even when he's angry, it's mostly just at himself for being a douche who managed to lose you, and HOW CAN U NOT LOVE THAT??

it's so ironic bc he's such a prickly pear but... he just loves the hardest out of any + everyone. not that i don't imagine the others and just as caring... but for bakugo, it's almost a religious experience, you know? never a phase or an era or something he just does but a... idek. life commitment? goal? achievement? something to be maintained and treasured? all of the above. EVEN IF he's not that good at it (at first... which is debatable anyway), that's still how he feels.

so when u break up... that can't be the end of things. like really i can only imagine it happening circumstantially, cuz i genuinely think that any issues you bring up with him (aside from work maybe), he'd take BEYOND seriously.

too gruff and private? suddenly he's telling u every single emotion he has and asking if he's being too rough. too anal and uptight? suddenly the kitchen is a mess and he hasn't even noticed. hell, even too busy? he'll do his best to fit a whole evening with u in his schedule (he hates mornings more than anything but takes the ass crack of dawn shift just so u can have dinner together most night)... it's like !!!!!!! + reminds me of that post i made talking about how pro heroes are so hard to breakup with bc even when ur pointing out their flaws, they're so used to constructive criticism, they don't even notice ur being insulting LMFAO😭

that aside tho, i can never imagine a bakugo breakup!au without them... you both back together at some point. even if it's ten or fifteen years later like... he spent all that time trying to get better for u... even if he didn't think you'd really come back. (or, as i was trying to write, you breakup with him and he just... doesn't fucking believe u LMFAOOOOO and shoves his booty back into his rightful place sadjkfhakjdsf)

(and bc i have i-can-fix-him disease, i also like bakugo who went thru a traumatic breakup w/ someone who wasn't u... and then five/ten/fifteen years later, you're the one to teach him to love again. or maybe that's not that unique of me LOL).

[dinoburger]

I've had a lot of thoughts, but I think developing a clearer picture of the tf universe's magic and mythos might be one of the keys to tying everything back together. A lot of how I think about these characters is kind of a reverse engineering of the trajectory I see them on as people, then a series of logical steps backwards about how they became that way...

But I think it suffers from... well... themannfamily made a post a while back talking about how Victorians contrarily believed in both the Christian God and ghosts/other magical phenomena. If you take TF2, the comics, on its face, there's some slightly problematic implications that heaven and hell exists (with Sniper and Scout maybe this wasn't confirmed entirely, but Medic couldn't have survived otherwise and literally brought a pen back from hell) but also other types of magic - usually the goofy sort that doesn't have much of an explanation, plus, of course, ghosts and things.

So. Christianity is unintentionally the "correct" religion in TF2, because it's canonicised, and everything else is absurd nonsense. What would change the dichotomy here is giving the universe some kind of magic system, or multiple interlinked systems, that tie some of the abstracts to more meaningful stakes and themes...

[formerlycookierunauprompts]

yooooo! Guess who’s back! Here’s a post about arcane egg cookie again, I hope you enjoy it. :)

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Hello hi! This post is about my cookie run kingdom oc arcane egg, if you don’t know about them read my previous writings about them. Anyways! This post will be about exploring the personality of arcane cookie, along with some of their habits, hobbies, and general info. Hope you enjoy.

-First off, I imagine arcane egg uses both she/her pronouns and they/them as well.

-arcane egg was the last of the old ancients that were made, about 2 hours behind the rest.   As a result the rest have the tendency to treat them like the youngest even though they to were only created like a few hours before hand. Her natural naivety and trusting nature does not help… their small stature as well also REALLY doesn’t help.

-arcane egg holds the light/soul jam of defiance, they’ll always look for another way. Because their has to be, and if there isn’t one she’ll make one. She’s also big on justice and general good morals, if something isn’t fair she’ll make it fair! So in her earlier years she was quite the rebel and revolutionary. Even as time took so much from her, they’ll always hold this belief… even if they don’t believe in it either.

-their quite an introvert, their both “oh no, people!” And “ ew… people”. So when people met the small cookie they thunk them aloof and mysterious, while her family knew this to be… incorrect 

-she can be so SO chatty to the people she’s comfortable with, like it’s surprising how much she can talk. Doesn’t help she goes on tangents either. As a result when explaining or asking someone for something they can be quite blunt and to the point.

-also when they talk they tend to slurr words together or say them incorrectly, their greatly embarrassed by it.

-as the name suggests they LOVE magic, no matter the type or flavor she wants to learn and do. Be it coffee magic to the spiciest she’ll get her small cookie hand on it! As a result this helped start shadow milk cookies and their friendship. Comparable to pure vanilla’s and white lily cookie’s friendship during academy days.

-compared to the more chatty shadow milk cookie, she was happy to listen and learn from him. And happily help him when they could. They spent many a long night together dreaming up ways how magic could help people, be it to the wondrous or mundane magic is what brought them together… present day she can’t look at any illusion magic with out thinking of him though.

-some traits that describe arcane egg are kind, silly, rebellious, quite, creative, clumsy, awkward, naive, and a little bit dense and I observant. She’s still quite emotionally and intellectually intelligent though.

-fun fact! The reason the world so easily forgot arcane egg cookie was for mainly two factors, she looked a lot like her other ancient comrades. No real unique color or bright identity to separate themselves from the rest. And secondly she in fact used this forgettable nature of hers to infiltrate places and collect information, so even they saw no point in trying to stand out. In fact it was useful.

-hmm… it’s almost funny. The arcane egg cookie of the past is so much different compared to the arcane cookie of the present… it’s tragic isn’t it? But you can rest assured theirs hope for them yet.

Anyways that’s all I have for now hope you enjoy! Sorry for any spelling / grammar errors.

(also question learning this information about arcane egg, do you think her and golden butter cookie would be friends? I gotta know)

Ooo!! I did enjoy reading about Arcane Egg!

Also, as for your question, I do believe that Golden Butter Cookie would consider Arcane Egg a good friend if they existed in the same universe, however, like with mystic flour, She would envy Arcane Egg. Mainly due to the fact that they hold the light of defiance, perhaps if Golden Butter had such a strong will to defy like Arcane Egg did... Maybe she wouldn't have fallen so deep into her burnout

But nonetheless, they would still be good friends. Though I doubt that Golden Butter would tell them the location of the Toy-Box( they hardly do tell anyone, cause I'm pretty sure that I made Shadow Milk find out on accident.) though.

Also, small little thing but if Arcane Egg believes that there's hope for themself then that creates a fun little opposite between them. Golden Butter doubts that there's hope waiting for her at the end of the road, only moving forwards at others suggestion. Maybe one day she'll start moving on her own... maybe.

[dangermousie]

Farscape rewatch - Won’t Get Fooled Again, 2x15

Won't Get Fooled Again is one of my all time favorite episodes. In fact, it is in the running for THE favorite non-multi-parter, together with Terra Firma and Constellation of Doubt (both from S4). Its mixture of genuine hilarity and equally genuine dark horror is so on brand.

(The whole show summed up.)

I love how a little off-kilter it is even in the beginning: when John wakes up in a world that's a little too candy-bright, too sharp-lit and there is discordant music throughout, in the background but insistent.

I love his reactions to yet another species messing with his mind: it starts as a blase-angry acceptance, a sort of weariness tinged with hysteria. 'Oh, we are at it again’ (the list of possible instigators he rattles off tells its own tale but it ends up none of them but yet someone else) but this emotion is something that degenerates into panic and devastation soon enough, because Crichton, no matter how he likes to pretend, is simply not twisted enough for the games others play with him.

And of course the layer cake of horrors keeps building - not just with events and interactions inside his mind which get more and more awful but in discovery of what is going on - not just the discovery that he has a chip of Scorpius in his mind but that now that he’s a target of Scorpius this means he’s a target of Scarrans because they want to know why Scorpius wants him - we have started on the path where he becomes the most wanted man in the Galaxy with all its adjacent horrors (and I will always like Farscape that all of it starts with a good and selfless deeds - the ancients in a moment of kindness gave him a path to eventually go home. And John went down to the Peacekeeper Base to save Aeryn. And all this brings is madness and pain. Goodness does not guarantee anything; it truly is its own reward because there is nothing else you can gain from it. But the ancients really did pick right, didn’t they? John is smart and stubborn and good enough to fight the universe to protect wormholes; he’s probably the most appropriate person, and it still ends up being almost not enough.) And of course, the offhand comment Chip Scorpy makes that no, John has been approaching this all wrong - Scarran doesn’t want to fool him, he wants to break him. There is always another additional layer of cruelty and unreason Crichton does not anticipate because he’s simply not twisted enough.

This episode has some utterly hilarious moments (Crais in Dorothy’s heels reading the world’s most twisted version of Miranda’s rights, Rygel as the boss, anything with D'Argo), some moments that are both funny and disturbing, and then some moments that are truly horrifying. Starting with when John's dead mother is first brought up, the Scarran can tell that he has hit something that will help him drive Crichton over the edge, and the whole thing turns repulsive pretty quick. It starts with her talking to him, and it kills me that even though he knows she is dead, and that he tries to fight it, he can't help but want to be hugged, to be held by her again. He holds her even as he breaks down and he just looks so weary. And her comment about his lost innocence, and the fact that he has killed and that is why he cannot sleep at night is just...it's so enormous, because it's of course, his own subconscious talking to him here, but he so wants to believe he is worthy of consolation.

And then later, in one of  the most wrenching scenes, she appears again, with the IV and sick, and  probably the way she looked as she was dying and begs him to stay with  her 'this time' and he just goes to pieces, and he is weeping,  unprettily, he looks utterly destroyed and is crying 'this is cruel,  this is cruel' and stumbles away. He begs for it to stop but in that world, begging is not a signal for mercy but to go harder. That is just KILLER.

Or the bit where he sees his parents bicker over whether it's better to have him or a dog. And then there is the 'Oedipal' scene where she tries to seduce him and I get full body shudders. Farscape never shied away from taboos or oddness, witness the scene in the same ep with Rygel in dominator outfit telling “bitches” Chiana, Zhaan and Aeryn to get out of the way “Crichton is mine:”

(Side note - I actually love that in real world or nightmares, Crichton is most often the victim and target of violence or mindfucks or just plain cruelty and not all-mighty victor or perpetrator of same or w/e. He is smart and tough but guess what, there is always someone in the universe who can be smarter or tougher and definitely infinitely more evil and willing to cross lines he’s not willing to cross and not coming always on top does not make him weak, it just makes him human.)

But that scene with his mother is one of the closest I ever came to watching through my fingers. The wonder is not that Crichton goes insane by the end of this season, but that it took this long!  

Another thing that is so notable is Crichton's off-hand nihilism. How different from the other, earlier 'mess up his mind’ ep, AHR: he crashes the car he is in, he shoots at the assembled fake Moyans. And there is no pause, he just does it: he doesn't know what it would lead to, but his reaction is almost automatic. The scenes with Harvey (and that is the ep he gets named in!) are brilliant: Crichton, laughing without any mirth, naming his chip (because everything is so insane, this is about the most sane thing of the bunch), Harvey revealing everything only to erase it. The last scene when Crichton tries to mouth what he has learned and not being about to make sounds, able to at first, only through sheer stubbornness, but then losing even that. That so made me think of end of S2 and him equally mute, contorted on the surgical table.

And, of course, Aeryn. This time I noticed that when 'Bettina' kisses 'Gary,' even though he knows both are fakes, the look he gives them? Whoa.

Or that his first reaction when he first sees her in that world is to ask for help because he is so used to her being on his side (but this world is less comforting than AHR and any assistance is taken from him.)

But you know what gets me even more? The scene with the disco ball. Because John's subconscious believed more than anything that Aeryn would come and save him. After all, she 'is the Radiant Aeryn Sun.'  And all he got was another mindfuck.

(the way he gropes for her boot!)

Yeah. This ep is funny, heartbreaking, brilliant and disturbing. You know what struck me this time? There is so much hurt, but no comfort at all. It ends as disorientingly as it begins with John in that shaft, mind recently erased, recently brought back from clinical death, having to find his own way out, having just lost crucial knowledge and not knowing it, nobody around. All hurt no comfort.

PS the fact that Crichton only survives with his mind intact because someone else has already hijacked his mind is one of the darkest mindfucks in this show. He does not win against the Scarran through strength of mind or power of will. He wins because he’s already enslaved and claimed.

[blxssom-221]

The Black Phone x Stranger Things?

For the love of god I swear I’m THIS 👌 close to writing a crossover fic between The Black Phone and Stranger Things. Like imagine:

The whole plot in the movie still happened. Finney and Gwen are traumatized af cause obvious reasons and their dad thought it’ll be a good idea for a fresh start, so they move to the next town over which happens to be Hawkins

And yk they’re trying to move on, trying to get past what happened to them but Finney can’t easily do that. He keeps thinking about all those boys who never stood a chance, those boys who, in death, helped him survive and especially Robin

So like in ST universe it’s around the start of season 2 or before it but yk Will is back and everything

And also the start of the kidnapping in TBP went on around the same time when Eleven opened the gate

Ok so what most people don’t know about Will is that he wasn’t alone in the upside down. He was for the first few days but then this kid appeared

He looked scared, traumatized and believed he died and somehow went to hell. But to Will, it’s hope and vague happiness because he’s not alone anymore and if someone also managed to get into this strange world then they can both find a way out

Will learned that the boy’s name was Griffin. They’d been in the upside down together for about a month now before another boy came. Then another, then another, then another

He learned all their names to be Billy, Bruce, Vance, and Robin and Will also learned that they all died in the exact same place and murdered by the exact same person. The days blurred together and the boys are having a hard time distinguishing reality from illusion and what’s worse is that their memory seems to be getting fuzzier

One day they found the replica of the basement in the upside down. There they saw the black phone. Feeling compelled Bruce grabbed the phone. They don’t know how it happened but Finney picked up the phone

They learned that Finney got kidnapped and one by one the boys gave Finney all he needed to survive. Then it’s over. The Grabber was dead and the boys are still in the upside down

At this point Will is starting to think that he died in his world too but just couldn’t remember it. Despite the different range of personalities between the 6 of them, the group worked out and stayed together. Little did they know that they only way they survived was cause of Will’s incessant humming of his favorite song much to Vance’s annoyance

And when Will got out, Griffin continued that habit on because they’re all not sure whether Will made it or not and at least this way they can pretend he’s still there with them

So Will came back and he can’t stop thinking about those boys. He wants, needs, to rescue them too but everyone is acting sensitive and overprotective around him so he can’t get the chance to tell them about the boys. Instead he does his own research. He never got their last names but it seemed that their case was popular enough that he didn’t have too much of a hard time learning about them

And that’s when he learned about the new kid Finney. The same Finney who the boys talked about

So Will approached him and Finney listened, even better he believed him especially since Will gave him hope of seeing Robin and the others again

Will also told Finney about El and how her powers helped bring him back, in turn, Finney told him about his sister Gwen who’s dreams helped find him and The Grabber’s victims

In this AU Finney (ability to communicate with spirits/ghosts etc.) and Gwen (prophetic dreams) powers came from their mom so they’re all born with it kind of like Vecna

So through them, they were able to see the boys in the upside down but they find that they have little time because demogorgans are hunting them down

So through the power of friendship and the mother gate and supernatural abilities of Finney and Gwen, the boys were able to be brought back to their bodies in a perfect state (maybe a little traumatized)

Gwen and El would be such great friends! Imagine them learning more about their powers together and bonding over that

Will and Finney are besties and together they pine and maul over their unrequited love for their best friends

Steve adopts 6 more kids

Vance and Billy H. clash bcs of how similar they are

Billy getting annoyed that there’s another Billy and everyone is calling him Hargrove instead

Erica and Gwen loves shitting on their brothers (but in a lovingly way)

Griffin and Billy are secretly menaces to society

Vance secretly admires Nancy and wants her to teach him how to use a gun. No one lets him

TBP boys often get nightmares about what the grabber did to them especially Griffin and Vance

I’m still not sure if I want a character redemption for Billy H. and have him be a tsundere overprotective bro to Max and have an enemies to begrudgingly friends to lovers trope with Steve….hmmm maybe

Aaaaand there’s the writers block. That’s all I got

[theteasetwrites]

Okay so when do you think Daryl figured out he had feelings for reader,like full on “I’m so in love with this woman” feels? Before they got together or after? And did he act any different when he came to the realization? Omg I’m so in love with his interpretation of him I just wanna hear you talk about him and reader for hours

Hi! I'm gonna put a "keep reading" thing on this because I went a little overboard lol

I am assuming you mean in The Beginning universe? Or do you mean in general?

I will probably answer in terms of The Beginning because that's like my main interpretation of Daryl and I love that Reader (she's literally me) and their relationship

So I think Daryl was sort of instinctually smitten with her basically the moment he saved her from that walker in the woods in Georgia. I mean, he definitely wasn't aware of it, but at the very least, I think he was just... attracted to her. Like, I don't know, soulmate shit. Very corny, I know, but what am I if not a little corny?

I think Daryl was definitely like "oh... she's really pretty," in his head, but he definitely tried to suppress those thoughts because a) they're literally in the middle of the apocalypse and no one has time to fall in love (even tho they eventually do because of course you can't keep them away from each other!), and b) he is so insecure at times that he definitely didn't think she would feel the same way.

But as for when he knew he was IN LOVE with her? It's hard to say because we have to recognize that Daryl is cautious with people and tends to not trust very easily, but I like to think he made kind of an exception for her. If you read the series, you know they got together only after about a month or so of knowing one another.

So I don't think there was any particular moment where he knew he loved her, but there was definitely a gradual buildup. Like even on the first night they met, he was starting to develop a BIG soft spot for her. Daryl is observant as hell and I think he noticed how big her heart is. She took him in to her group for a start, which he probably thought was a little um STUPID of her (lol it kinda was), but mostly he appreciated how open-minded and kind she was. And when he found out that she didn't even eat meat, but she was grateful for Daryl hunting for them anyway? He couldn't believe that she was so unselfish for putting the needs of her group before her own, and he found a commonality there. Daryl cares about his family more than he cares about himself, too. He appreciated that.

And she brought him a bunch of nuts (I don't remember what kind of nuts lol... hazelnuts maybe?) as a way to say thank you to him for helping their group, and I think that also started a spark.

And just getting to know her slowly at the Atlanta camp, and that night he opened the geode for her. Actually, I think that's when READER fell in love with him. That rock is really important to her. It stretches back to her relationship with her father, who collected geodes. I think that touched her heart so deeply, and she fell HARD. You know that saying, he fell first, but she fell harder? That kind of thing.

But she, too, suppressed it. Carol points out how much she seems to admire Daryl, but Reader brushes it off. That stems from her issues with relationships and not wanting to be with a man again, after having a pretty bad relationship before in which she didn't feel appreciated or really loved.

And then, as we know, things come to a head at the CDC, where a little too much alcohol results in Reader's confidence going way up, and she and Daryl admit that they both have feelings for each other. I admit that when I wrote the scenes at the CDC, I think I went too far in making them like LOVE each other already lol. I mean, I do think they already loved each other and just didn't realize it, but they don't say "I love you" until after they have sex for the first time at the farm in season 2. It all culminates there, and I think then we see their relationship really blossom.

[galacticlamps]

Six eulogizing Jamie in Wreck of the Titan when he thinks he’s lost him again by saying “now he’s gone, gone on a journey to the undiscovered country. Without me.”

like. i do think he comes to terms with it a little fast (but I can’t really complain about that, because they get reunited again so soon afterward that he has to accept that he’s ‘dead’ quickly if we’re going to get to hear him mourning him at all - and there’s plenty of opportunities elsewhere in the trilogy to hear the Doctor stubbornly in denial/holding out hope about Jamie’s fate/s) but also - also. huh. im like, still struggling to find the right way to word this because like. That’s gotta be it, right? that’s gotta be the best & most succinct way of putting the Doctor’s feelings on not only losing his companions but death itself too, when you think about it.

Obviously the character doesn’t believe in any kind of religion we would recognize, but while they spend all their lives adventuring through the universe and constantly - no matter how old & experienced they become - stumbling across new and unknown people and places, there’s one place they haven’t gotten to see, but where all of the friends they’ve brought along on their adventures eventually wind up. And of course I think his horribly pained “without me” is a wish to be with Jamie specifically - it very clearly is one in context, since Six is explaining how this particular outing was meant to be a treat for Jamie, who doesn’t remember him at all, because he wanted to recapture “the good old days” when they traveled together on all their adventures - but it also reflects & emphasizes the fact that because Jamie’s gone, they’re both left to their travels, each one as alone as the other.

And the poem he quotes next (Walter Scott’s “Hie Away”) seals it for certain: “Hie to haunts right seldom seen, lovely, lonesome, cool, and green, over bank and over brae, hie away, hie away” - The Doctor evidently envisions Jamie, virtually immediately, as being in a better place (and there’s even something vaguely encouraging, hopeful, aspirational about it, given the imperative nature of the verb hie) - clearly living on in some way, somewhere, some when - but also, crucially, lonely, and on an adventure where the Doctor can’t reach him and join him on.

The way he talks about it, death doesn’t seem to be about an ending to Jamie’s life at all, but rather the separation between the two of them - and in the Doctor’s eyes, that’s just as worthy of mourning all on its own, despite how very accustomed he must be to parting ways with companions in all different kinds of situations by the time he’s in this 6th regeneration.

(idk, even outside the obvious doctor/jamie of it all, I feel like that says a lot about the character’s perspective on both death and goodbyes in general)

[ciaossu-imagines]

Day 20 Prompt 3

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Ohh, well, this is one that I wasn’t expecting! I don’t often get chances to talk about my original characters very openly. I’ve kind of been talking about a couple KHR OC’s I have had for years but never really done much with here and there with a lovely fandom friend though, just bare basics, and I’m going to take the opportunity given to me to actually share a little bit more information with her and all the other lovely readers here! I got some blow back years ago when I did more openly talk about them so I’m hoping that won’t happen again and again, anon dear, thank you for this opportunity!  

I will reveal an OC that I thought about making and writing.

So, like almost everyone else in the KHR fandom, I’m sure, I’ve made a whole other family within the KHR universe. The way I’ve always figured it is something really major happens within the family itself, some sort of civil war tearing the family apart and the heir apparent to this family and his generation (the teens) become the family’s main hope after the current boss is assassinated during this whole civil war. There’s large portions of the family that don’t support the heir apparent, everyone’s trying to take over, and the heir apparent and his Guardians are just teens. They’re doing their best but they’re a little in over their heads and so they go seeking help to rid the family of the elements that brought about this internal war and to help the heir take control of the family and bring everyone back together again.

And of course, who better to ask than the Vongola family? They are the largest family, the most prestigious and in a way, if the heir to my OC family could forge an alliance with the Vongola, it would not only help with the situation but set this OC family up for growth in both rank, prestige, and power going into the future and as his Guardians kind of point out, that would be good for the family and would look good as a resume building move on his part.

They find themselves blocked from really approaching Timoteo though so they figure where the 10th Generation, Tsuna’s family, might be easier for them to approach, both because they’re roughly around the same age and because they’re a little less well-guarded.

Shame though…Tsuna really doesn’t give the most amazing first impression and while the two bosses really do kind of hit it off and get along, a lot of the OC family don’t really believe that Tsuna and his Guardians are actually going to be any help to them and some of the OC family are initially really rude to the family, though it mostly stems from feelings of ‘oh shit, this was really our biggest hope and kind of our only hope and these kids are kind of losers instead of the big, strong Vongola we were hoping to find.

Now I know what some people are thinking – this family is so going to be a rip-off of Tsuna’s family, but I like to believe that they’re not, both in characterizations and in how the family interact with each other. The OC family does really respect their boss entirely as their leader, but there’s less of a friendship feeling among them all and a real strong familial relationship between all of them. They all grew up from infancy with each other, the family home-schooled them all, and these kids, while not blood related, have lived, learned, played, and done everything together since they were in the crib and so they all really do regard each other as siblings and every situation I have imagined with them really does strongly give that feeling.

The structure of the family – Boss and Guardians all with Sky Flames – is exactly like the Vongola but I like to think that’s where the similarities end. I will also say that other than some mild flirtatious moments that might lead to things in the future, there’s really no shipping in the story, it focuses around a plot and around building strong bonds between the families and between the individual characters.

One thing to note – I fucking suck at naming characters and don’t really have strong names in my head for them because I’m a loser that way, hahahahaha! So, this is the first time I’ve had to sit and think of names so, as of this post, it’s the first time they all get names.

We’ll start with the most obvious OC to introduce. The Boss! Heir apparent of the Accardi Famiglia, Luca is a pretty quiet guy. Mostly because he’s a deaf mute so like…not too much of a chatterbox, Luca. He comes across as being a little uncomfortable around people and to some extent that is true…he doesn’t feel super comfortable with strangers but isn’t exactly shy. It’s just that with his disability, interacting with strangers can sometimes be a struggle and he gets really frustrated at time. He reads lips and signs and his right hand or one of his other family members does translate for those who don’t sign (to mixed results, depending on the family member translating because some of his family members find it funny to say things that are definitely not what he’s signing). He’s a very trusting person, someone who wants to see the best in everyone, who truly loves people and finds humanity beautiful, and he is friendly in his own way. He really wants more friends; he really wants bonds with people…they’re just harder for him to make. He’s really hard-working and diligent but gets overwhelmed sometimes with the expectation of leading the Family and he sometimes does wish that he had a more normal life, something he, Tsuna, and Enma do bond over a little.

Oh, and in a departure from the way it normally works, because absolutely NOTHING says a boss has to be a Sky Flame, Luca’s actually got a Sun Flame and has the purest flame of all his family members, on par with the purity of a Vongola Guardian’s flame.

His right hand? Her name’s Bria and she actually possesses the Sky Flame out of the Guardians. She’s totally and completely devoted to the Family and the others. She wants everyone to be happy and healthy, to live their best lives, and she wants to see Luca become the amazing boss she knows he’ll be. (She might have a small crush on him, just saying, something she struggles with because for most of her life, he was like a brother to her.) She struggles with some social anxiety and self-esteem issues, but she pushes past them and really pushes herself, in general, to an almost unhealthy degree to do everything she can for her family. She’s the one staying up all night to do paperwork, to study harder, to think of plans and such. She’s the one waking up at 4 am to clean and make breakfast for the others so that they don’t need to worry about that. Despite the thought of talking to complete strangers making her nauseous, she’s normally the one translating for Luca and the one laying out facts and talking to the various people. She’s the most accepting, after Luca, of Tsuna’s family and in general is a person who doesn’t judge by appearances. There’s not a time this girl doesn’t remember being stressed, but she wants to appear perfect and good to everyone around her, so she hides behind a mask that not even those closest to her notices is fake.

The family’s Storm Guardian is Lara. Hot-tempered, prone to solving problems with violence, wildly confident and the most likely to get into stupid situations or wild scenarios because she just does whatever comes to mind. She also has a bit of ADHD, just saying. Oh…and she’s fat because like…bodies come in all sizes and she actually likes her body and her curves. She’s really into fashion and accessories so her appearance is as loud and wild as she is.

The family’s Rain Guardian is tall, pierced, desperately wants a tattoo, wears a leather jacket, has a mohawk and plays the guitar. They write sappy songs and poetry and loves cars and motorcycles. In short, Alfonso (who goes by the nickname Fonz and who actually does love The Fonz) is the stereotypical bad boy with the heart of gold. That heart of gold is most emphasized around his ‘siblings’ because he’s the oldest of the Guardians and takes it on himself to be the best ‘big brother’ to everyone that he can be. It’s just strangers who get the brunt of his dirty mouth and ‘fuck off’ attitude.

The family’s Lightning Guardian is Raf. Raf’s kind of a go with the flow kind of guy, though he has no problem with opening his mouth to give you his opinion on things. He’s a little bit of a nerd, with a strong interest in technology, a love of working on things with his hands. He not only listens to DnD podcasts, collects Magic: The Gathering Cards, loves Star Wars, but is a bit of a ‘weeaboo’. Being in Japan? Awesome. The fact that Tsuna and his family seem like weak kids who know nothing about the Mafia? Not so awesome.

The family’s Cloud Guardians are identical twins. Theo and Tony are actually complete opposites in terms of personalities – Theo is more confident and actually really judgmental and manipulative, though he does truly care about and takes care of those he does love. It’s just that he likes getting into people’s heads and playing with them and he’s the rudest, in a very silver-tongued fashion, to Tsuna’s family. It really does come from him now needing to try to figure out how to keep his beloved family safe though. Tony, meanwhile, is quieter and stoic. He’s not really a huge people person – he enjoys time alone or with one or two close people. He’s really big into nature and sports and a bit of a guy’s guy. He’s also a little simple-minded in contrast to his twin. Both twins are more than willing to act on their own, without consulting the others, if they think they’re in the right. While both of them are loyal to the family and do love the others, their main alliance is to each other above all though.

The family’s Mist Guardian is a bit of a kook. Eccentric is definitely a little bit of an understatement for Guiana. Guiana’s very loud, over-dramatic, and honestly leaves most people thinking there’s something wrong with her. She speaks a mile a minute, is a conspiracy theorist, believes she’s the reincarnation of the Grand Duchess Anastasia, and gets really into media. She definitely would be a Tumblrina and is a fandom creator who talks about her fictional others and favourite characters as if they were real people…like someone will ask her what she was doing and she’ll go into this big tale of going on this grand adventure with her favourite character. Yeah, she’s a little divorced from reality and goes with her gut feeling on people, but behind all that, she’s actually a really skilled illusionist and solidly cares about and will protect her family with her life.