#and soft headcanons about the harshness of mental illness in childhood and in space

[loumauve]

some starship iris thoughts

In another couple of months, she might have friends again. [x]

I can’t tell you how much my heart hurts for young Violet. (also for older Violet pre coming into contact with the Rumor crew)

I’m sure we’ll learn more about her history in time, but so far my takeaway is that she’s been feeling lonely for a long time. unable to make the connections she longs for, unable to find people who are as interested in getting to know her as she is in getting to know them. work (and life) on the Iris was isolating, as she told Brian when they talked about Alvy and how he was the only one to make an effort to be friendly with her. and just.. imagine that. you’re stuck out there in a metal bucket which.. sure, it’s a fancy metal bucket but still, and there is nothing but empty space around you, and the few people you could connect with don’t care to. just imagine that loneliness.

and to know that it started long before she ever got on board.. to know how she’s felt like she was never going to measure up (to the other Violet Liu, to her own aspirations) to know that she feels like she’s not smart enough or tall enough or too neurotic.. it just breaks my heart. 

and I feel like Arkady and Violet are more alike in that way than they possibly realise. Arkady with her background and her hang-ups about only having an eights-grade education, and about the things she has done and continues to do even though she doesn’t like having to hurt people. I just want them to get to a point where they can accept that they are doing their best to be the best possible version of themselves, and to a point where they learn to communicate and to accept their self-worth, but I’m sure it will be a long time before either of those things happen. (we all know mental health is something that takes a lot of time and effort, and with everything else that’s going on, I’m afraid they don’t have a lot of time or energy to spare. but one day. hopefully.)

but.. and here comes my crappy headcanon about Violet and her home life.. which has no basis whatsoever, and I might be missing snippets of information already canonly publicised bc my brain is crap at retaining information..:

I feel like Violet’s mum or dad (or mums/dads/parents of indetermined gender?? there was definitely a moment when she was thinking about how her family was feeling about thinking she was dead and not knowing she was actually still alive in one of the episodes but the details are escaping me right now) probably were hard-working, kind people; people who would have taught her to always be kind, show humility, always do her best and that the right people would accept her for all of who she is. now, we know that we can hear all this and still feel anxious and have doubts and feel like we’re never going to be good enough. and being an anxious and possibly fretful, painfully shy kid.. life is hard that way. but I think her parents did the best they could to make sure she always had a safe place to come home to.

now.. we know that she moved away from home somewhere before middle school (excuse me for not having the slightest clue of how education works in the US or other parts of the world. it confuses me to no end when there are no simple grades that go from 1 to whatever.. sorry. also possibly part of bilingualists problems??) but I’m unsure about whether or not she moved with her family, or if she had to move on her own to some kind of boarding school - again, I’m sure we’ll learn more about the education system under the IGR in time. but at whichever point she separated from her family and went to live by herself, I feel like her parents would have made sure she never forgot she had people and a place where she was loved.

so.. all that build-up just to throw this tiny little thing into the room - I feel like Violet probably has a patch somewhere that one of her parents gave her that’s some piece of embroidery of violets that they made so she could pin it on whatever she was made to wear, be it school uniforms or uniforms that I imagine the IGR would happily stuff their researchers, and therefore the Iris crew, into. and it’s also my headcanon that when they went to retrieve her stuff and loot The Iris after Violet was onboard The Rumor that’s possibly how they knew which pile of stuff was hers. (or maybe it was just really obvious bc she is pretty tiny and most of the crew was tall people. I don’t know. just.. I like the thought of her having sth personal with her at all times. like.. who even knows. maybe she still had a plushie of some sort left over from her childhood. maybe it was all very soft, very comfy sweaters and thick socks and a home made patchwork blanket. I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE WERE STILL SHEEP ON EARTH WHEN SHE LEFT)

aaaanyway, let’s stop the rambling thoughts there.

PS: even more so than Violet and Arkady, I ship both of them with therapy and softness and gentle care and a ton of healthy communication. also naps. definitely naps. all of the Rumor crew (plus Junior Agent, I forget her name) x naps