#and she’s downstairs randomly trying to start up convos

[wastingawayinmyroom]

sigh

mom’s back on the “jia you’re not bi i researched” thing

[lyokoko]

January 14th, 2020

When I went to the gym I saw him for one second as he was leaving. And he saw me too, it looked like he wanted to say hi but I kinda made a beeline towards the elliptical machines. I didn’t expect to see him at all so I was kinda in shock.

Usually I message linda, his sister about various things since we’re still close? Our convos usually never involve him as well so I feel okay talking to her. I mean she was like a sister to me. After I lost her once though I lost all my attachments towards her but still a sister to me. Anyways she messaged and asked me if I said anything to Steven or if I’ve been talking to him. And I told her no. Then asked if he was doing alright. Then she texted me,

“He’s crying rn when i made him food like i noticed he was so sad when he came home :/ he didn’t even say hi to nobody he just went straight downstairs so i messaged him if he was okay and all and asked if he was hungry cause i could make him food and i did right

He sat there and like he just grabbed all his stuff and went downstairs and started to cry

Idk why and he came back up and was trying to eat, but he was like crying and my dad tried talking to him and he broke down and ran back downstairs”

“He said he didn’t wanna message u bc he said he doesn’t wanna bother u that’s y he doesn’t message u”

“I’m not suppose to tell u

He talked about how he asked you to send a photo to him And you said it’d make him sad and he told you it wouldn’t But then he was like that photo makes me cry every time i just sit there and cry when i look at it”

It saddens me to hear all these things. I really do still care for him, but things got too complicated. Problems grew increasingly toxic and harder to handle. Everything was overwhelming. It was like trying to work together two pieces of a puzzle that was never meant to be in the first place. But I cared endlessly for him, so I kept trying and fighting.

I kind of instantly fell for him when I first met him. He was my type. Literally the cutest boy I’ve ever seen in person at the time. That korean look to him, since I was a kboo back then. I had a crush on him for years. Until we became fuck buddies. I felt like that was the only way for him to like me. He also promised a relationship if the chemistry was right.

I didn’t love myself enough back then and just gave away my virginity even though I was clearly not ready at the time. I don’t really regret it though. It was whatever. Actually the first time I didn’t feel pleasure at all. Just anxiety. I remember the moon of that night. It was a blood moon too.

It went on like that for a very long time. Until I finally felt like I deserved to be someone’s girlfriend. By then it was all in or nothing. I was ready to leave and abandon all my feelings for him. So I basically asked him out, and told him if we weren’t official I was calling it quits. He chose to be with me knowing fully well he was also in love with someone else as well. His “bestfriend.”

I found out by finding nudes on his computer. And videos of them doing it. Proceeded to send everything to myself partly as evidence and party as a way to torment myself. Even when I found out, he didn’t stop talking to her. He never apologized to me and instead asked me to just please understand him. That he fell for us both at the same time. That he couldn’t lose either of us. I stupidly let him continue talking to her under some conditions. That he didn’t hide anything from me anymore. That I could read any messages, anytime. That he stopped his feelings for her, and chose to be with me fully.

Eventually she sensed that things were different and felt like he was losing feelings, which he didn’t, he was just suppressing them because of me, and eventually broke things off with him.

He went through a heartbreak. Right in front of me. For days, weeks, months. Randomly crying. It was really hard for me to see someone I love hurting so much, but at the same time I felt like I was hurting even more but didn’t have the right to say anything since I basically made them break up. Even though we were the one in the official relationship. I just endured it myself. Told no one about it because it hurt my pride. Actually Darrin you were the first person I told. After that I built up courage to tell nhi. Still haven’t told anyone else. I’m sure he has though.

No matter how bad our arguments got he never shed a tear for me. Not once out of the many years we were together. I was always jealous of the fact that he shed tears for another girl but I wasn’t important enough to cry over.

The only other other times I saw him cry was at his cousins funeral, and when my parents yelled at him. Still. None of them over me specifically.

Do I miss Steven? Not really. Sometimes I go through some memories in my head and the good memories I did have ended up getting tainted. Like all the times I snuck out and drove to his house to go see him. It was fun, it was rebellious, it was exciting. Until I found out he was cheating on me. Now I think back at all those times and think about how much of a fool I was.

Or that time we went to San Fran and I was happy we finally traveled outside of Utah together. Had a decent time. And then came back to him back lashing me, saying he never wanted to travel with me again, and to not ask him anymore. Saying I embarrass him in front of other people. Projecting himself into me, basically all the things he hates about himself he points them out on me.

I don’t know. Just any memory I can think of leaves a bitter aftertaste. Maybe it’s because of how things ended and it’s still fresh.

If I had to say something positive though it would be he gave me a lot of confidence in the beginning. He made me feel wanted, and pretty. He was the first person to make me feel comfortable in my own skin, even though I had cystic acne at the time. It was just what I needed at that time.

I loved how extroverted he was and how he spoke up for me. How serious he really is, even though he’s a goofy clown in front of everyone else. I liked seeing a side of him that no one else got to see. And how passionate and proud of a person he was, even if he didn’t have much to be proud of. I still like all those things about him.

Except things are quite different now though, aren’t they? Situations change. It was a pretty good three years with him at least. The 4th year was decent. I can’t say the 5th year was any good.

I wouldn’t live it over if I could.

[datingadviceonreddit]

So this girl, let's call her Kathleen, and I are teachers. We met at new teacher orientation. I thought she was beautiful and decided I was going to ask her out the first moment I got. The following week we were allowed into our classrooms to get ready, and I found little excuses to talk to her. She was shy. First week of school we smiled at each other a lot in the halls, That first Friday, there was a happy hour happening at a bar, we both were going, but I went home first to change and eat. Showed up an hour late, she was still there waiting for me. We talked for 20 or so minutes, walked out together, got her number, set up a coffee date. Went out the following week, went well, she struck me as inexperienced but sweet (and dorky). At the end she told me she doesn't date because she's always done her own thing, but maybe I can change her mind. I found it odd, she didn't strike me as "strong independent woman", she just reinforced my previous thought: inexperienced. But I decide why not, we have good chemistry and she's gorgeous and dorky. (Other odd part: I tried to hug her, and the girl literally jumped a step back)Except I ask her to hang/go out a couple more times in the next couple of weeks, and she just tells me "Maybe, I'll let you know". Gets to the point where the week after Labor Day weekend, I just ignored her because I was so upset. We're talking like, a couple of times she'd be walking by me in the hall, try to say something, and I wouldn't even acknowledge her. The next week I decided to at least be friendly, and the first time I talked to her again her face just lit up. We slowly drifted back to what we did before, me hanging out in her room after school and talking.I ask her out again start of October. This time she says yes, we set it up for midweek, October 12th, to go eat pizza. I'm not sure if she planned on following through, but I crossed my fingers. Day of, she's dressed cute, looks like she's going on a date. After school, she has a meeting with other first grade teachers, I say no prob, I'll be in my room working. Around 4 (over an hour after dismissal), we talk for a second, she's still working with Audrey, her best friend at work, I'm like ok, I'll just finish more things here. 4:45 rolls around, I get antsy and bored, decide to pack up and go downstairs to wait for her. And she and Audrey are gone. We talk the next day and she tells me she's not sure it's a good idea for us to go out when we work together. I told her I just want us to be cool. Cue a week of just awkwardness and anxiety, both of us making every effort not to look at each other. But her name kept cropping up in the most random places, I took it as a cue that I needed to talk to her and let her know I'm not upset. So I found some little school related thing to talk to her about, and that broke the ice.November comes along, and once again we start drifting back to the same old, talking in her room after school. Except now we're spending anywhere between 20 minutes and an hour talking nearly daily. And even though I ask her out a few more times and she keeps saying we're coworkers or "Maybe", we only grow closer to each other, emotionally, and start getting flirtier and flirtier. There were even a couple of days I was gone, and she texted me saying she hadn't seen me around and hoped I was ok (I think she missed me).December starts, and we hit a new peak. First Monday of the month, after a meeting after school, I go talk to her as usual, and she breaks down crying to me about the job and how she's not sure she's teaching her kids anything. I comfort her, and from that point on she just liked me even more. Kathleen's similar to me in that you can tell what we're thinking/feeling just by looking at our faces/body language, and it was just so obvious with her. As we get closer to Christmas, I decide to get her a small gift, a little wooden sign that says "All you need is love...and a horse" (she loves horses). She loves it, but also says "I don't know why you'd do this"The next week after that was our last week before winter break, and my birthday, the 22nd, was the very last day of school before break (she knew it was my birthday, too). That week something seemed off about her, suddenly our convos were choppy, and whereas in the past she'd be like "Hey, I'm gonna go ask Audrey something" and come back a minute later, now she was leaving and not coming backAnyways, my birthday goes like this: she doesn't wish me a happy birthday, and after school, after dismissal, principal asks to talk to me in her office. Turns out that somebody "had noticed you spending a lot of time with Kathleen after school". Basically, she told me to leave her alone. I was confused as hell, to say the least. Still went to happy hour with the rest of the staff. Ended up sitting not far from her and Audrey. The whole time she avoided looking at me. At one point Audrey announced to people around them that Kathleen had just started seeing her (Audrey's) boyfriend's little brother. I just played it off like whatever and enjoyed myself, like if you looked at both of us, you'd think she was the one who'd gotten a talking from the principal, not me. A bit before I left someone let slip it was my birthday, the teachers all sang me happy birthday, including Kathleen, who continued to not look at me while she sang.And I legitimately thought it was all over. I went home that day believing that was it, I could finally move on. I installed a couple of dating apps and tried meeting new people, but nobody really that caught my eyeExcept we come back from break, and I catch her glancing at me from down the hall sometimes. We don't talk at all, she makes an effort not to look at me, but towards the middle of the month her kids start asking me to come play with them in the gym for indoor recess, so I do, and I'd catch her watching me and the kids from across the gym, smiling, playing with her hair (that's one of her biggest giveaways, she starts playing with her hair and fidgeting with her necklace and stuff). We still don't talk, but February starts and we start exchanging a few words here and there and at least making eye contact. I add her on FB a bit before V-day, and find out she's single. Things continue to defrost, but we don't really talk. Her kids start asking me to come to Fun Fridays with them at the end of the day on Fridays while my kids are in music, and again, she'd smile at me and the kids and stuff while I was in thereExcept at the beginning of March, she posts on Facebook that she's in a relationship with a guy. And again, I think it's all over. Except it isn't. Because in the past few weeks she's been finding little excuses to talk to me (it's always school stuff, but still). And sometimes at dismissal she'll randomly wander over and stand near me. Hell, last Thursday I ran into her and her class in the hall in the morning during their bathroom break (my kids were in another class), and again, I talked to her and her face lit up and she started getting all fidgety and making sure her hair looked ok. Friday, again, I went to Fun Friday with her kids, and again, smiles and stuff. This week so far has been a bit more of the same, smiles here and there, her finding excuses to be around mePersonally, I think she's legit nervous about the coworker thing. As for the boyfriend? Turns out he's a college junior who goes to school a couple of hours away. I've got my own take on this, but I'd like to hear from you guys first via /r/dating_advice