#and she was like ''yea it's just dad said he'd buy this stuff for me but now i can't ask him to do that bc of the current situation''

[ppulverse]

it's so crazy to see strangers on the internet showing more empathy towards me than my own sister 💀 like girl ???

[surwitch]

Peter Quill know how sucks when something fuck up. And Peter Parker looks really fucked up. Matt Murdock just want moment of peace.

[eng is not my first languadge soooo sorry if it is a mess. it happens somewhere after nwh and gotg3, but before born again, because i wrote it when news about series was like "oh, yea, we re-write daredevil" so yea. i go from there. have fun.] tw: mention of blood, non grafic, but here

now in ao3 too: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55686070

Peter Quill know how sucks when something fuck up.

He just know, you know? With this whole "my father is a planet, my dad space-pirate die to save me, my girlfriend died and then come back but it was not her but her from another universe" thing in his life. And oh, yes, live all his life don't knowing that people invented spotify. Literal, fucking, crime. Why no one tell him? But yes, to the point: he, the Star-Lord, see a misery when he meet one.

And, you know, Peter is just bored. Earth is… fine. Very chill. Some aliens one-two times in several months, villians of the week who stop metro (like it not bad enough at the good days). And living with his grandpa was cool, but Peter was born for a big city. City that like the space - city that moving and never stops. So, Peter here, in the center of all hell on Earth (with how many shit happened here at past few years), in the New York. And well, happy accident, and he's here, in coffee shop with overpriced coffee looking at some tragedy, really.

Peter Parker (whos name Quill sees wathing at guy fresh license that falls out of his pocket) looks really fucked up.

(Peter hates that there another Peter because when he tries to think it make a mess in his head. Parker. Parker is good.)

Like, no, boy is not ugly, but, uh, you get it. He had eyes of the sad little pet and they look like they always wet. He has atmosphere like boy from rom-coms who run in the rain for hours with words in the end of his tongue only to forget them all by looking at person that he ran to.

Parker look pathetic as fuck, buying another coffee (that he never drink, what a shame) and never anything else. And he's always look like he knows something about girl who works here ("my friend's call's me MJ" tells she to Quill one day, "And you, creep, comes here enough to count as one." and then she turn on another 70's hit when he's laugh to his death), but MJ never talk about him. She didn't even looks like she knows him more than client and Peter know that this woman not lie.

And boy Parker looks like someone kill his parrot. Every. Fucking. Time.

Oh God, if this another drama with "my girlfriend but not my girlfriend" then its a blessing that Peter catch Parker. He's the Star Lord, he can help with this kind of situation. And this look more funnier than looking at New York streets for vintage stores (Peter hates that all his favorite stuff is vintage now. It costs like a airplane. Or good space-gun.)

Peter Quill know how sucks when something fuck up. And he'll find a way to help this Parker boy with some strange shit between him, MJ and cool guy Ned. Ned is cool. Peter just need to figure out how make Parler "cool" and not "sad". But he'll find a way.

Matt Murdock just want moment of peace.

And between being a vigilante and trying to live a normal lawyer life it's… difficult. Sometimes with "blood in his mouth in the middle of the court hearing" type of difficult. So having this little loud man around not make it easier.

Matt heard how people call him Spider-Man ("The dash is very important" a boy once enlightened him on a roof. He was tapping his foot on the roof, and Matt could hear it slightly shaking the iron sheet that covered the air conditioners at the other end of the roof.) and he's meets him himself.

Boy sound like a nice one. Young. And sad.

Normal teen combination. Still Matt doesn't feel's like it right for this teenager specifically. So, he'd did what he do a lot - become a idiot (At least is what Jen said to him. Sometimes she's reminded him of Foggy.)

And patrolling the boundaries of Hell Kitchen, crossing paths with a guy more often, Matt can admit that he is good. Very much so: the kid knows when to restrain blows, when to strike them, and how to talk to people so that criminals fear him and civilians trust him ("Sometimes it helps that some criminals believe that I killed Mysterio," Spidey tells him one day, "But me… I didn't kill him, you know?.." and Matt nodded confidently at him, because Spidey's heart wasn't lying.)

And Matt did that disgusting thing that he's not allowed to do. He became attached. And Matt hated getting attached.

Oh God, Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph, just give him a peaceful death.

His whole story showed him how easily affection can turn into something at your throat. (Even Jane beat the shit out of him once, and he gritted his teeth and sometimes called her a friend. In my head. But he did.) Thanks, he didn't like it.

And Spidey is a teenager. Maybe a little older, just entering adulthood. But the guy is so much like him: he's just trying to do the right thing in a way that he's found and that works. Even if this way makes him sad.

It just how he feels every day. Permanently sad. Apathetic. Dreary. (Matt thinks about how Foggy would laugh at the fact that he's worried about it in another person when he's the same himself.)

Matt Murdock just want moment of peace. But with kid, who's blood already attached to his couch, it seems impossible. Not like Matt has a lot of believers in fact that if kid doesn't was here he'll gonna find peace but. Let man have a dream.

("I have a good friend once. We don't talk now." say's Spider-Man and Matt get it. Vigilante life sucks in this case: when you know, that there's a people, who search for you, and if you have someone "normal" around these people gonna go for them. He became estranged from Foggy for this reason. His number still in Matt's phone.)

And maybe one day he's find peace. Even if it will be a little moment when beeps are going off in phone and he hears the same beeps going on in Spidey's phone.

One day. Just for a couple minute. Not now.

Now Matt figuring out what the fuck (Forgive him, Lord) he need to do with a kid in blood on his couch. But, um, he'll figuring it out. Somehow.

[this just some shit from my notes that i wrote right after gotg vol3. this just some shit from my notes that i wrote right after gotg vol3. sadly, i dont have enough skill of writing in english to make it something bigger (like actual fic, yk?) or i just don't feel muself confident enough to do something big in eng. maybe this. soooooooo take it, have fun and please write me if you want to use this idea. i think its hilarious scenario. sincerely, your surwitch. she/her.]

[sckyie]

song: hello? by clairo (ft. rejjie snow)

word count: 1k

genre + warnings: fluff; phone calls, nun bad

pronouns used: they/them

a/n: i didn't use any pronouns for the reader but still they/them;; ITALICS ARE KAGS

You laid your head on your desk staring at your phone. You were debating on calling Kageyama tonight or letting him rest. The two of you didn't become close until he found out your dad played for the Schweiden Alders. That's when he gave you attention, but then his intentions changed.

Kageyama used to only talk to you about your dad until he started to enjoy your company on the phone. The only issue was you were falling for him more and more when you talked to him.

It was a common thing to call him at night to ask him about practice, help him with homework, or just tell him how your day was.

Tonight felt strange, you weren't sure about calling him. You were too scared to talk to him now that you confirmed your own feelings. You had always called first but what if he only talked to you because you called?

Then it rang. You sat up and looked at the caller ID.

kags :)

"Hello?"

"Hey hey," You say.

"Why didn't you call?"

"Oh, was I supposed to?"

"I thought you liked talking to me."

"Who said I didn't?" You laughed. "Am I not worthy to speak to the king now?"

"Shut it," He growled.

"Just jokes," You smiled at his voice. "How was practice?"

"Tiring. Can we talk about something other than practice? Hinata got on my nerves" Kageyama was laying back on his bed, his phone on his chest. "How was your day?"

"It was fine. Aisaka-san and I went out to the café after school to talk about stuff," You say.

"Talk about what?"

"Oh...Uhm..This boy I like," You stuttered.

"Oh," Kageyama felt a pain in his chest hearing that.

"I dunno, I just...When I'm with him it feels real but how would I know he's not faking the way he acts around me?" You say.

"Well, who is it?"

"You wouldn't know him," You sighed. "He drives me crazy sometimes but I just want to kiss him so bad."

"Hmph," Kageyama was going through all the boys you've ever talked to. His mind was clouded by his own feelings.

"I doubt he even knows how I feel. It's like, when I'm around him I have to feel fake.

"Fake?"

"Well, I can't show him my real feelings or else I'd ruin our friendship. He means a lot to me and I don't want to lose him...Can we change the subject? I feel like I'm boring you."

"Sure." The rest of the night, the two of you talked about the future, school and just enjoyed each other's company. What scared you was how you could potentially ruin a good friendship over your teenage love.

You fell asleep on the phone together, Kageyama waking up first like always. The two of you had started a video call before going to bed like you normally did.

Kageyama stretched his arms and looked at his propped phone. You were snoring softly, hugging a pillow close to your chest. He always liked admiring you, especially when you snored, it gave him an excuse to tease you. He smirked at the sight and decided to not wake you from your slumber. "I'm going to get ready boke," He whispered. "I'll walk you today, you better wake up."

After a while, you woke up to see Kageyama putting on his shirt. "Eww," You joked. He flips you off before grabbing his jacket.

"You have fifteen minutes to get ready before I leave you," He responds.

"Yea yea, I'm not Hinata don't race me to get dressed," You say. "Call me back when you're outside."

The call ends and Kageyama is left with his own thoughts. Then an idea popped into his head. He had these same feelings as you did. He thought he should confess now before he gets hurt. Kageyama was already hurt to hear you like someone but he believed he could be the better man.

A week passes since you told Kageyama about your mystery man. He grew more and more anxious on how he'd do when he confessed to you. What was worse was he sucked at showing how he felt when it came to you.

The two of you were on the phone when he was excuting his plan. He had a bouquet of roses and a small bear with a letter on it. He didn't buy any of these himself, he had asked his sister on what to buy and asked the third years to buy what he needed.

"Wait what did Aisaka-chan say?" He asked as he walked into your neighborhood.

"She said she didn't like Joji like I said before. I called it, she never likes transfer students."

"Hey, Y/n?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you come outside? But put on a jacket it's cold."

"Outside? The hell?"

You climbed out of your warm bed and walked to the front door. You open the door to feel the cool air touch your body. Your eyes fell straight onto Kageyama's hands then onto him. "What-"

"I like you," He blurted. No thoughts behind it, plain and simple. "I've liked you for a while and I thought I should let you know. I enjoy talking to you everyday and I'm starting to fall for how... stupid- wait that's mean... For how amazing you are. I know I tease you a lot but my sister says if you bully a person it means you like them. I bully you because I like you and that's how we became closer. So please, I ask that you take my gifts."

"Are you being for real Kags?" You asked. Kageyama nodded and held out the gifts. You giggled at the sight of his rosy cheeks.

"Please accept my confession," He bowed. You walked out and pecked his cheek.

"You're the boy I tell Aisaka-san about," You whisper into his ear. You step back and take the gifts from him.

"You're being serious too, right?" He asked. You nodded profusely as he continued to pester you with questions. You go to tell him to stop asking when you were greeted by cool wind hits your body. "I told you get a jacket dumbass."

"Alright, off the porch," You shoo. "Call me when you get home jerk."

"I know, I will," He takes a step close to you before kissing your cheek. "See you." You were left a blushing mess as you shut the door. Leaving your heart filled with hopes of the future and that teenage love you always wanted.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @d0llpie @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

[mo-mo-and-porkchop]

Umbrella academy fiction

Chapter 1

Canon and OC; Deigo x OC, Klaus x OC platonic

*as always I do not own any part of the canon characters or show. I am merely writing my own adaptation to the storyline. Nor do I own any gifs/gif credit.

**I do own all things related to the OCs and additional story elements. And apologies, I couldn't find any "young" gifs of them, but they are all meant to be young adults to show age in this fic.

Tagging: @imcrowley , @wicked-bitch-of-the-west

On a typical sunny day in 1989 a girl was born under extraordinary circumstances - her mother beginning the day not pregnant and ending it with a newborn girl. Reginald Hargreaves was unable to purchase their gift from God, but as fate would have she would still become linked to the obsessive billionaire through Klaus, his disappointing Number Four.

One fateful night in her bar thrust the two into each other's life and they soon became close friends, their tragic pasts a common denominator. Emily tried to aid her friend and his family in thwarting the apocalypse, but her life ultimately lost when the shit inevitably hit the fan.

This is not that story.

Our story takes place five years after the Hargreaves family jumped back in time after unsuccessfully saving the world; bringing with them all the knowledge gained from their first chance at life.

-----

"I'm telling you Diego. We can do this," Klaus said pleadingly to his brother. "She said if she had only gotten out a few years earlier, she would have had a better chance at life. We can give her that chance."

Diego stopped just outside his room. He eyed Klaus as he begged for him to agree.

"Please Diego. She is...was my friend," he corrected himself. This time travel thing was hard to get used to. "I owe it to her to at least try."

It was true that Emily had been as good a friend as someone could to Klaus back then. He'd beena raging drug addict who brought nothing but chaos. There weren't many people who could handle something like that. She'd been one of the few; even managing to get him into rehab a few times.

Not that it had mattered. Klaus had a standing bed there back then and the staff a running pool on how short his next break would last.

But it had been obvious she at least cared for him. And that was more than Diego could say for himself. Klaus was his brother and he had given two shits at the time if he lived or died.

"Fine," he finally agreed.

"Yes!" Klaus said quietly, but triumphantly.

With his second time around, he wanted to get it right. Make amends for his previous infractions.

Starting with this.

"But we do this my way. You got it," he said definitively, getting close enough to stop Klaus' little victory dance. He wanted to make sure his brother understood just how serious he was.

"Got it," Klaus said with a mock salute. "If I remember correctly, right around now would be the 'Halloween lockdowns' as Em liked to call it," Klaus said with a small smirk Diego's way.

His brother looked at him confused "Lockdowns? Where is she? A prison?"

Oh, that's right. He doesn't know.

It had taken Klaus awhile to pull what nuggets she had revealed of her past. He knew, without a doubt, Diego hadn't gotten shit out of her. The few times they'd met his brother was partial to being an asshole to anyone who even remotely took Klaus' side and she had been no different.

"She's at a religious boarding school," Klaus explained quickly. "A real scared straight kinda one. From what she told me though, the night before Halloween the nuns do one final sweep of the grounds, leaving the front door unlocked."

"Pfft. Morons," Diego huffed, the fact that he was speaking of godly women lost to him completely. "So it's a dash and grab. Easy."

"Yeeaa...about that," Klaus began tentatively. Diego had only just agreed to spring Emily from Hell.

"What?" Diego asked lowly. He knew he shouldn't have gotten his hope up so easily. Nothing was ever so cut and dry with Klaus.

"She's also, sort of, kinda in her own lockdown. We may need Five to help us too," he added reluctantly. "Which is fine," he quickly continued, keeping Diego from immediately changing his mind. "Ever since we got back Five has really been a team player. I'm sure if our little heist idea came from you he'd be on board. A hundred percent."

Diego couldn't take this shit with Klaus a second go 'round. He wanted to break Emily out of school? Fine. He needed Diego's help? Also, peachy fuckinf keen. But if he insisted on keeping secrets along the way then Diego would walk his happy ass on out the door and Klaus could go fuck himself.

He grabbed hold of his brother, who flinched more from shock than fear, and drug him into his room, away from listening ears. He tossed his brother onto his bed as gently as he could. Klaus watched as he pulled his desk chair over, sitting on it backward and leaning against it.

"Before I ask Five anything you are gonna spill your guts and give me all the Intel you have on Emily. Otherwise, I'm out and you're on your own."

Klaus groaned with Diego's ultimatum. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll tell you everything. But you have to swear you'll get Five to help no matter what," he countered holding up his pinky.

"What are you, six?"

"Nothing is more binding than a pinky swear," Klaus said, wiggling his fingers enticingly.

"You never quit do you?"

"Nope," Klaus said with a satisfied grin.

"Jesus Christ." Diego sighed with a roll of his eyes, but nevertheless he linked pinkies with his brother.

"No matter what," Klaus reiterated.

"No matter what," Diego reluctantly agreed before immediately letting go of him.

"Good," Klaus said clapping his hands together and rubbing them conspiratorially. "Now. What do I know about Emily?" he asked himself, feigning an attempt to really dig deep into his thoughts. "Em, Em, Em."

"I'm losing my patience Klaus."

"Alright, fine," Klaus said with an exasperated sigh. Nothing much had changed with Diego this time around - he was still far too serious for his own good. "I know she was one of the few dad couldn't buy, obviously. I deduced that one myself," he admitted proudly.

Diego rolled his eyes and sighed. Even without drugs Klaus' mind still ran a million miles a minute. "Focus," he said keeping his brother on track.

"Right," he replied forcing himself back to their present storytelling session. "She was unbuyable. Her parents were religious and pure," he said mockingly, throwing up the the scouting sign of three fingers. "When Em didn't fit it to their perfect life, they shipped her off and forgot about her. To St. Christopher's School for the Misguided to be exact."

"You mean that old school convent on the outskirts of the city?"

"That's the one," Klaus said in agreement. "She's been there..." he checked his wrist as if a watch sat upon it. "Twelve years now," he added looking back to Diego.

"Twelve years?! What the Hell Klaus?? I thought she was just sent there."

"Yea. When she was six," Klaus said with a snort. "That was after all the exercisims failed," he added nonchalantly.

"Exorcisms!?" Diego was beginning to regret his decision to help. "Look. I don't know what kind of "school" you're taking me to, but how do we know Emily even wants to break out?" he asked in a half-hearted attempt to back out.

"Because she makes it out on her own after another three years anyway. But she always said if she'd got out just a few years earlier she'd have gone farther in life. Between you and me, I thought she turned out just fine the way she was," he added leaning in conspiratorially.

"I don't know about that. She was friends with you."

"Hey! Unfair!" Klaus said feigning offense. "Trust me," he continued, shrugging off the insult. "Once Five is on board, everything will be fine," he said reassuringly, but with little affect. "Then it really will be a dash and grab. Five will just do his little time warp thingie and..." He sucked air through his teeth and gestured for in-and-out. "We'll have Em out and free as a bird in no time," he added with a sigh and a smile.

Diego stared at him, only reacting when his wide grin faded. His mind had already been made up, but it was sti fun to see him sweat. He promptly grabbed him up and pulled toward the hallway - and all the way to Five's room.

------

"Klaus has something he wants to ask you," he said pushing past their brother when he answered the door.

"And what might that be?" he asked, confusion evident on his face as he shut the door behind them.

Once through the threshold doego released his grip on Klaus and took solace off in the corner, waiting to see how well he did with Five. Their brother would be a much tougher sell. He'd never even met Emily.

"Well," Klaus began with a nervous laugh, glancing back to Diego hoping to get some backup. His brother simply urged him on. Klaus sighed and his entire being deflated with his refusal.

"Klaus, what the hell is going on? I don't have time for another one of your ridiculous pranks," Five complained impatiently.

"I need your help rescuing a friend," he admitted freely, turning back to Five.

Five laughed freely at his request. "No," he said letting his facial expressions fall flat. "The last time I tried to help you I ended up having to warp out of police custody."

"But you did get out," Klaus cut in trying to avoid a retelling of their most recent mishap.

"And I had to be the one to explain it all to dad. Alone," he added with rising anger.

Klaus grimaced. "Yea. Sorry about that. I wish I could have been there, really, but something important came up. Real now-or-never type stuff."

"What? Like avoiding the inevitable end of the world? Because last I remember we've already fixed that problem and I can't think of anything more "now-or-never"," he threw back at him.

He knew Five was right. "I guess when you put it like that, I could have made it," he admitted almost sheepishly.

Five merely scowled at his admission.

"But this is different," he added quickly, pushing past Five when he went to kick them out of his room. Klaus shut the door and leaned on it for added security he would finish hearing him out.

"How so?"

Klaus' smile returned. His interest was piqued. "Because we...are gonna..."

Diego rolled his eyes. His sales pitch was quickly dying. "Because you're gonna have me," he stepping forward.

"Not that I don't doubt yoir abilities, but how does that any different? Other than your presence of course."

Their brother's smile widened. "Yes!" he exclaimed before Diego could answer, outstreching his arms toward him and crossing to be by his side. "Because Diego here is an extra set of eyes and ears," he added, cradling his shoulders and endearingly placing his hand on his chest.

Diego glared at Klaus. "Because I will make sure Klaus doesn't screw anything up this time," he answerd shaking himself free.

Five remained silent, considering Klaus 'mission'. He had become anxious lately to do more than just train and follow daddy's orders - even if it was what they all agreed to before their jump back. Not that he would ever admit that to Klaus, but he supposed it could be worth it of Diego was on board.

Klaus stated expectantly and his brother who eyed the two of them. "Say I help you. What is your grand plan to save...who exactly?"

Klaus smiled widely at Diego, ecstatic that things might actually go his way for once.

"Emily," Diego answered, ignoring Klaus.

"Emily?" Five asked surprised with a slight laugh. "You mean the bartender psychic?"

"Telepathic," Klaus corrected him. "But yes. Her. So will you help me? Please?"

Diego rolled his eyes at the duo. "Just say yes already. I can't take much more of this," he added exasperated, dropping down onto the chair at Five's desk.

"Alright fine," he finally agreed.

Klaus began to shower his brother with thabks. He sure hadn't been as appreciative of Diego's allegiance. He huffed to hide his offense. "Klaus!" He pointed at his wrist when he had his brother's attention.

"Oh right. So. Now that I have the best two brothers on board..."

"Klaus," Diego warned.

"Alright, alright. Stop getting your panties in a bunch."

Diego jumped up ready to strangle him.

"Hey! Calm down!" Five intervened. "Don't make me regret helping you," he scolded his brothers. "Now," he continued once the two had parted ways. "When and how are we supposed to save Emily? And from what?"

"I'm glad you asked," Klaus responded slyly before repeating the plan to Five

------

"There it is," Klaus whispered to his brothers, pointing out their entry point.

They crouched hidden among the bushes just outside the point of no return. A nun came out of the front door, followed by two others, and just as Klas said left the door open. Diego huffed quietly to himself and rolled his eyes. Klaus smiled widely.

"Okay," Five said shifting his jacket and bit and readying to jump. "Where is her room?" he asked staring at the building.

It was your typical, old-school convent turned boarding opp. The layout would be easy to figure out.

Klaus shut his eyes and mimicked going over a map with his fingers. "It should be, if memory serves me right, last one on the left, second floor," he said opening his eyes and looking toward the building too. "She always said one of the only good things she remembered about this place were the sunsets," he said quietly to himself with a sad sigh. "West side," he added.

And just like that Five was gone.

-----

He reappeared with a small pop in a girl's room. She was sound asleep, her back to where Five now stood. He crept to her bed and gently tried waking her.

"Emily," he whispered. "Emily wake up."

The girl began to stir, turning toward him. The sight of a boy by her bed had to be a dream. She rubbed her eyes and yawned, sitting up to wake up further. The realization that he was real hit her. Her eyes grew wide in terror and she screamed.

Five quickly covered her mouth. "Emily, please."

She quieted her screams realizing who he was and the fear in her eyes grew to confusion. She mumbled something into his hand.

"What?" he whispered, uncovering her mouth.

"I'm not Emily," she managed to stammer out quietly.

[irepookie]

Infinity Chapter 5: IT CAN'T BE LIKE THIS FOREVER

Summary: QUEEN AU where Roger Taylor (aka Rowan Queen) is a young single dad struggling to make it into music industry.

Warnings: not really. Just fluff, sappiness and swear words here and there

Disclaimer: I don't own the pictures. The boys are based on Queen, but Piper, Gina and Callie are mine.

Chapter 5: Basically Row's and Piper's first day on their own, narrative shifting from normal to Row's inner train of thought.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Throughout his life, Row would regularly look back with infinite fondness and amusement at the first day he spent on his own with his daughter.

But today, as both him and his week old infant cried in each other's ears, he didn't think either of them would make it through another 24 hours, let alone long enough to look back and laugh at it.

He thought he wouldn't get to the end of the parenting book he was with at the moment with his sanity intact.

He had read many books that contradicted each other. And this one was no exception.

Some said to follow a feeding schedule.

Others to do so whenever she'd demanded it.

Some said that bathing was bad for the umbilical cord.

Some others recommend to rub it with alcohol to help it fall early.

And others said not to touch it. To simply leave it alone.

Then there was Callie and her usual phrase echoing on his head "The best thing is to follow your instincts".

But that didn't help a damn either cause his instinct was messed up.

He had also read somewhere that sharing bed was good at the beginning. That it helped preventing SIDS.

Then on the next book, that sharing room was fine at first, but that bed was a risk factor in SIDS.

But hold on.

What the hell was SIDS?

They mentioned it everywhere. He went through all the pages until he found it, only to be left breathless when finding out what what it stood for:

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Whose exact cause was still unknown , and although there were some preventive stuff to do -on which, by the way, all the bloody books differed- there was nothing 100% safe.

So, they meant his little Piper could just fucking die for no goddamn reason, and he wouldn't be able to do nothing about it? What the fuck! It wasn't fair!

So he found himself on the phone, dialing the number he always recurred to in times of trouble.

"I think I broke her, mom" he said as soon as he heard her pick up.

"You can't break a person, Row"

"Well, there's a first time for everything."

"Don't be overdramatic. You didn't expect it to be easy, did ya? Or you thought she was gonna be like a doll, huh? Like those that have a switch for when you get tired of playing house?"

"No but I didn't think... I mean she was much quieter in the hospital."

"Well, darling, she must have sensed the move or something."

"You mean she doesn't like my place?"

"No, you silly. Although there's room for improvement in the style... But that's not the point. She just needs time to get used to it. Also I bet she can sense your unease."

"Uh?"

"Babies have this sixth sense when it comes to the emotions of those around them. Specially mother's... Or well, in this case, you. So if she senses you're frustrated, she'll get more distressed."

"Oh." was all he could say.

"Where is she now?"

"She's right..." He looked down at the bundle he had been holding and rocking only to realize it was a bunch of dirty clothes.

Where was she? Had he lost his daughter after 5 hours? Fuck! Fucking idiot

For a moment, he forgot where he had put her and a million terrifying thoughts flashed on his head.

She wasn't crying at the moment.

And that was good.

Right?

Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was the worst thing.

Maybe one of the pillows on the sofa had fallen over her and suffocated her.

Or maybe he had mistaken her for a dirty bundle of clothes and put her in the laundry and...

"Rowan?"

"She's asleep on the bed." He suddenly remembered, peering at his bedroom to check he was right. He was. She was asleep, right in the middle of the mattress, exactly where he had placed her 10 minutes earlier.

"Then take this chance and sleep. You're good at sleeping."

It was definitely a good idea. So he hung up and tiptoed to the bedroom. He reached the bed and froze, trying to think of a way of climbing in without startling her awake.

Maybe the matress sinking at his weight woke her up. And if he got past that, perhaps if he dared to move or rolled in his sleep, he'd wake her up... Or worst; he had heard about the hundreds of kids that died overnight suffocated by their parents.

No. He decided he couldn't sleep with her.

So he got the bunch of dirty clothes and laid on the floor besides the bed, using the bundle as a pillow. He fell right off to sleep.

He woke up four hours later, and the room was still silent.

Shouldn't she need something? Shouldn't she have woken me up?

Once again, a feeling of fear invaded him as he jumped to his feet, and put a small mirror in front of her nose to make sure she was still breathing.

She was.

He sighed with relief and pecked her forehead before tiptoeing out.

He decided to make a sandwich or something, cause his stomach was roaring. Halfway through eating it, he ran his eyes through the parenting book he had left opened on the counter:

<<If your baby sleeps 4 straight hours or more wake them up for a feed; otherwise they could become dihydrated...>>

Fuck. She had been dozing for 4 hours and 20 minutes.

So he hurried into the bedroom, and leaned over the tiny bundle, a smile escaping his lips. She did know how to sleep after all. And she looked like an angel. So peaceful. Calm. It almost hurt him to disturb her. But he had to.

"Hey lil'raisin. C'mon, it's snack time" he said, gently lifting her up. "Hey, lovie. Wake up" he knew one thing he shouldn't do under any circumstances: shake her. Or make harsh movements. As that would lead to Major Danger #2:

Shaken Baby Syndrome. And that was under his control.

So he blew on her cheek instead and got her to open her eyes "Hey, Sleeping Gorgeous" he greeted, holding her up so they were face to face.

She looked up at him, directly into his eyes and something inside him melted.  

Perhaps she had finally settled. Maybe now they were both fresh and rested she'd go easy on him. He could do this.

But then her face scrunched up and she whined.

"Oh no, no, no, baby, what is it? Don't cry. Don't cry. C'mon." Then he felt a warm liquid on his hand. "Okay, okay, message received. Let's do this"

He got a towel and unswaddled her, hoping he'd be able to remember how it was done afterwards and praying for it only being number one. It was, but he hadn't folded the nappy correctly and it had leaked all over the onesie, the blanket and... His duvet.  Goddamn it.

He sighed. If he kept calm, she'd sense it. "Okay, me darl. Shh. Hold on a second.  Where... Where've I left the nappies? Where?" He looked around the room but no sight of the pack. Shit. Last time he had changed her in the living room? So it had to be there. "Okay, hang on a minute sweets. I'll be right back" he ran out to get the pack, as the wailing got louder.

"Alright. Alright. I've got it, I've got it. I'm here. Hush" he managed to do it surprisingly fast and without new incidents. "Alright, alright. Almost done. C'mere." He lifted her up, checking the nappy was properly sealed, and went to the kitchen area where he had left the last clean onesie.

On his way, he found the pinky he had been looking for earlier as well "Hey look at this. Here it was." he washed it with water and put it in her open mouth. She began to suck instinctively, calming down.

Thank. Fucking. Goodness.

He sighed in relief.

He could do this.

He laid her down in the kitchen counter, so he could wash his hands, throw his wee stained t-shirt to the washer and unfold the onesie. She squirmed a little, but kept quiet.

"Alright, let's put this on you. Please don't squirm too much, darling. I don't want to hurt you." he pleaded.

"Okay, it's all done" he announced 10 minutes later, when he finally managed to button up all the miniscule buttons on the onesie. Bloody miniscule buttons made for small mothers' hands.

"What's next? Oh yes, bottle. Alright. Coming right up"

Just when he had put the bottle to warm up, she spit the pinky, and began fussing. "Hey, love , here" he put it back, but she spit again. "You ain't buying it, are you? You're hungry, and the pinky isn't fooling you." He chuckled "Clever girl. Alright, it's almost done so don't worry, okay? It's almost there" he took her back into his arms, and paced around until the microwave beeped.

He made a mental note to never again waking her up before the bottle was done.

Never again.

"Okay Princess. Here's your cocktail, made with love." he announced, as he carried her to the couch and sat down, propping her up and watching as she immediately sucked into the nipple, face relaxing instantly.

"Yea, you were hungry right? That's what happens when you sleep through lunch time. I hope you've learned your lesson, and that next time, you let me know alright?" He grinned, as a hand closed around his hair.

But she suddenly pulled away from the nipple and began to  fuss again, halfway through the bottle "What? That's all? You're done? So much impatience for half a bottle? No, you've gotta keep going. C'mon" he offered the nipple, and she rejected it, hand pulling his hair

"Ow! Ow! Pips, no honey. Let go. C'mon. C'mon dear, let go." he set the bottle aside and used his free hand to untangle hers from his hair. She cried louder. "Hey, okay, okay, you can pull my hair off if you keep quiet. Uh? Deal?" He got more cries in response. His face fell.

"But you never did this in hospital. You didn't give Daddy hell like this. Why now? Why do you do this when I'm all alone? Am I such a bad dad? I mean I'm following every step. I'm doing my best. Please give me a break" he pleaded, changing her to an upright position.

He was doing nothing wrong, was he? He was doing everything just like he had been taught in hospital.

Well except maybe...

He had an idea and laid her on the couch "Alright, shhh. Let's try this one" he said, unbuttoning her onesie again, -making a mental note to ask Len if he could get him some bigger ones that wouldn't take forever to deal with- and bringing her back to his chest. She instinctively snuggled up, and quieted within seconds at the contact of both their skins.

And he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. "So you just wanted this? Well you should've said so earlier." He did both, out of amusement and relief.

Fuck he had cried more these past 7 hours than in the entire last decade. It was ridiculous, really. That someone so little could have such a big effect on him.

"So, where were we hon?" He offered the bottle and this time she did latch, body glued to his, and grey piercing eyes looking right through him, as if she was staring at his soul, as if she was reminding him why he was doing all this. And all the  worries that had crowed him until that moment, just disappeared.

I can do this.

He didn't detach her from his chest for the rest of the day, as that seemed to keep her at peace and he didn't mind it. Rather enjoyed it.

So he changed his peed sheets and threw the nappy away, made himself some coffee and broke the mug in the process, as he struggled to do the whole thing with one hand. Then he had to pick it up and cut himself off with one of the shattered pieces.  However, he didn't mind: it was worth it as long as she remained undisturbed.

"Are you two better?" Mom asked when she called in the evening.

"Yes, yes. We're... We're alright. Got the ultimate trick. I think we came to an understanding."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. Where is she, by the way?"

"Right here." he pressed his lips on the top of her head, rested on his shoulder.

"Has she eaten properly?'

"Aye. Then spat some of it on me and... Yea. I think she's good." she had finished both bottles fairly quickly.

"And you? How are you eating?"

"Managed to eat half a sandwich. So not too bad."

"Finish it."

"I'm fine, mother."

"Row by neglecting yourself you're putting her in danger too. So eat properly and stay sane for the sake of you both, okay?"

He sighed. "Alright. I'll finish the stupid sandwich."

"And eat some food or whatever. Vitamins."

"Shit, this is like being 10 again."

They hung up and Row did as told, in spite of himself. Mom had a point.

So he finished the sandwich and grabbed an apple, eating it in bites, chewing it slowly and as silently as possible so he wouldn't disturb his daughter.

Damn it was cold. He'd have to turn the heat on, which he never did cause the bill afterwards was terrifying. But hell, both of them were half naked in February. And he had already spent a fortune on that prune sized person, might as well keep her alive and warm.

Then he laid down with her cuddled on his bare chest as she breathed in uneven, scary patterns, which Callie had told him were normal.

And soon, he found they were breathing in sync, every breath he took was three of hers. Or 5. Or none.

But it was normal, he reminded himself. Her breathing system has to develop still. She's fine.

He was exhausted, but completely wakeful at the same time, cause he was hypnotized by the sight of his little sleeping prune.

Like he would be countless nights in the future.

Because there was no better remedy for panic, no better way to put his thoughts in order and make him feel the strongest, happiest man on Earth than the sight of his daughter sleeping.

🥁🥁🥁🥁

As always, a big Heya to my only reader friend, @definitely-darcy. As you know I'm nervous about this chapter, but I enjoyed writing it a lot. So I hope you like It.

Xx ~Pookie

[existentialstatesofmind]

Weekend Fun

Clare: nodded. She didn't ask people why they didn't go to church or try to convince them to come with her. Everyone had the right to chose whether to believe or not. Or to practice a religion or just to believe in God. "I don't get a vote. We always do lent no matter what else is going on, end of story. Of course I could lie about participating but I wouldn't feel right about that. Lent only lasts forty days. So I can cuss again starting in April but I rarely do anyway. We have a swear jar and usually it's Dad who fills it up. He sneaks money back out when Mom's not around." Clare chuckled. "Yeah I will watch my mouth around her, I don't want to be responsible for teaching Emi curse words not even fake ones. Darcy and I always used 'sugar' in place of...a similar sounding 's' word." Clare smiled when she heard that neither him or his grandpa really cared about Dakota choosing a rich girl as long as she wasn't a gold digger. “We‘re fifteen. I want to go on fun dates. If I had a boyfriend and we went to something a little expensive like a concert, I’d buy my own ticket.” She shrugged. "Seriously? Women do that?" Clare asked aghast when Dakota said girls hung out in the lobby looking to meet a rich guy. “It’s the twenty first century! These aren’t girls our age right? But I don't care how old and desperate I was, I'd never degrade myself. It sounds to me like they’re just too lazy to work or they would be trying to apply for a job at your grandpa’s office instead.” Clare assumed these women had to be grownups because teenagers didn't worry about money. This was probably the first time she'd ever thought this much about whether her family had enough. Apparently Monica was more pathetic than Clare had thought. "You don't have to worry about me copying you when we hang out. I won't pretend to be someone I'm not or change for anyone. Besides I wouldn't want to date someone who said they liked all the same stuff as me either. Even if it were actually true, which is almost impossible, our dates would be really boring. It might be good to date someone you have some stuff in common with so you have shared interests to talk about but life is a lot more interesting if there's someone to challenge you and teach you new things." Clare said honestly. "For example, I never heard of that song you played on your guitar earlier and if you don't introduce me to their music, I probably will miss out on it altogether because I usually just listen to pop music or old rock songs. I think it's a good idea to go on a couple of dates before jumping into a relationship with anyone. Maybe I could've avoided dating K.C if we had, and I did find out I didn't want to date Eli during our trial period." Clare listened to the rest of what Dakota had to say. "I agree, you shouldn't date anyone who is jealous of a five year old. There are going to be times where you’d rather stay in or take Emi places with you and she would need to understand that. As well as respect the fact that you need to spend time just with Emi even if it takes time away from your girlfriend. If she has her own life, she shouldn’t mind.” Clare said trying to subtly let Dakota she wouldn’t care about Emi coming first. “Well no one wants to date someone who asks you to give up your friends. It’s kind of a two way street, the girl might have guy friends she’s close to. But if it were me I wouldn't be kissing anyone else or sitting in other boy's laps and I'd expect the same courtesy." Clare smiled at Stacy. "Yeah, he's really affectionate. Even towards his friends." She just nodded about the working out thing. That wasn't a deal breaker for her, she could learn how to help him if they dated. Dakota probably didn't think she was fat since he put her on his lap. "Okay. Blankets are helpful.” Clare smiled shyly at Dakota as he made it clear he would cuddle with her. “I always sleep in pajamas but I don’t sleep in my bra, I’ve tried to before at friends’ houses and it’s really uncomfortable.” She faced forward once she made sure there wasn’t a girl. She laughed at Dallas’ teasing. Clare was kind of glad it was just Dakota getting a design idea. “I’d probably kiss you back.” She whispered.

Kota: listened to Clare as she spoke and looked at her. "We don't have a swear jar here. Everyone would be broke." he stated honestly. "We do that too, I sometimes say 'son of a biscuit.' which makes her laugh. Dallas says 'ship' and we just have our own thing. She knows they're to replace bad words, but won't use them because she doesn't know the bad words she's replacing." he explained. He listened to Clare mention the dates and nodded at her. "I want to do that as well. The most expensive date I'd probably take a girl on would be to Wonderland." he nodded. A soft chuckle fell from his mouth when Clare mentioned the women in the lobby. "Yea, there are teens there our age, but they're there to be interns or something. I had a girl our age ask me where an office is to meet someone another time I was followed by a guy our age as well and he didn't have clearance to be on the floor I was going on. He probably just wanted to see how high up I am or something." he shrugged. "But yes girls our age also look for rich boyfriends, they're just blunt about it. Monica wants a rich boyfriend to take her on expensive dates. Crystal, her friend likes older guys, Justine a girl in different class, she likes one of the teachers." he informed. As she spoke about Monica being fake as well as the couple having different interests in things as well as things in common and knew she was right. "I think that we were all where we were supposed to be. You were supposed to date KC and Eli for some reason. Past relationships make you stronger for the future relationships." he said and looked at his lap when she mentioned him being affectionate, then at her when she mentioned the blankets. "Well, you can sleep in my room if you want now that we know the sleeping arrangements." he offered unsure of what she wanted to do. Hearing that he'd kiss him back, he took the initiative by putting his hand under her chin and bringing his lips to his only to press his lips against hers and slide his tongue into her mouth.