#and she doesnt wanna argue and im being too negative

[flowers-that-sing]

(im whining about my mother, it’s not important, and i’ll probably delete this soon)

my mom is visiting. she said she hated my music because there’s so much yelling, and she “hates yelling.” which is rich coming from the woman whose voice i remember better as a scream than anything else

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[asrasotherbottom]

First, I hope you get all the support and love you deserve dear. ^^ You are FANTASTIC! Second, I am clinically depressed with high anxiety. How would the six handle someone with those qualities? The fretting and low, days where you want to disappear, worrying that no one really cares it just an act?

Thank you!

I’m writing this based on my experiences and the experiences of those close to me, and i 100% understand those aren’t universal. and my interpretations of the characters are not Law or universal. I just wanna say blanketly, that I hope youre doing alright and that you also get the support and love you deserve and that you are safe. Content warning for suicidal ideation (that feeling where youd rather just not exist without like A Desire to act), anxiety, depression. Under a readmore so please take care of yourself and don’t click if you might be negatively effected by reading about this also its long as hell.  

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386.

Asra:

- His heart literally aches with you

-Brings you tea in bed for days that you cant leave bed either because depression or because anxiety

-Will sit with you for hours just so you’re not alone, even if youre feeling awful. 

-Cares 50000% less about the shop than he does about you, and if youre having a bad brain day he will just lock up and sit with you and hold your hand. 

-Will encourage you to get out a little if you can, maybe for a nice walk in the woods to collect mushrooms with him because sometimes getting out and doing something helps. 

-Is good at finding secluded secret ways to get around bc fuck people. 

-He’s bffs with Muriel so hes pretty good with dealing with self loathing and anxiety already. 

-Asra i think has a really good response to the “nobody cares and its just an act” because his magic mark will just glow when he puts his hand over your heart and its really hard to argue with “made a deal with the devil to resurrect you” if the argument is “nobody actually cares” and that was 100% his choice and hes not afraid to tell you that. 

-Can, will, wants to, just ramble at you at length about how much he loves you and exactly why and will spend hours refuting your arguments which is tiring but maybe helps you feel a little better by the end. 

-If things are just So Bad? If you want to disappear? he’ll nap with you just to be close to you and keep you safe.

-Will bring you to his oasis to walk around and help keep you safe if you really just want to disappear and he’ll try to cheer you up there which is admittedly mostly just pointing at tiny weird magic bugs and stars (but at least your body is safe). 

-Deep deep down he’s still the person who brought his mom a button when she was sick so he’ll try anything to cheer you up. Faust too. 

-He’ll even talk to Julian to see if he knows anything or anything to ease your pain a little. 

-Will sit and just Listen to all your pain and be just Present for you. 

-He loves you more than life itself and will definitely be receptive to anything you say about things that might help.

Julian-

-Extremely similar hat. 

-But goddamnit if you made HIM feel better about being alive and worthy and deserving of love, he is absolutely going to return the favor. 

-Anxiety? he knows all the back alleys to avoid people

-Doesn’t mind staying home from the rowdy raven to sit with you if youre too anxious to go. 

-If you need a small dark quiet place to be alone and calm down? Hes got just the place (the hole at maz’s and he’ll even come in with you if you want because it makes you smile to see you both try to cram in there)

-Depression or anxiety making food hard? Some of maz’s soup will fix you right up.

-You find him in the middle of the night pouring over medical texts about depression and anxiety, looking for anything to help you at all. 

-He’ll sit up with you on nights that you cant sleep because of anxiety or because youre just too sad. 

-He’ll definitely lay in bed with you while you cry. 

-He found someone who truly and entirely loves him and he will cling to you for dear life, and tell you all the things he loves about you whenever you need or want to hear them. 

-He probably is gonna try a leech at least once. 

-Brings you to the docks at night because its calm and peaceful and away from everything. 

-After his upright end he definitely learned the importance of a support system and isnt afraid to enlist it to help keep you happy and safe. 

Nadia-

- Shes extremely concerned that someone who lights up her entire life can be so sad. 

-But shes not about to sit back and do Nothing. 

-She can and will cancel any event or meeting if it means she can sit in bed with you and hold you while you cry or if her presence with you soothes some of your anxiety. 

-She’ll bring you to her contemplation tower if you need a place to just get away from everything thats making you anxious. 

-Will also bring you to the magical realms to help keep you safe and help cheer you up. 

-Enlists the finest doctors that she can find if you’d like. 

-She’ll take long baths with you where you two can just sit in the hot water and you can cry while she strokes your hair. 

-If you feel like shes just faking her affections towards you then expect a bit of a surprised scoff followed by a 4 hour powerpoint presentation about every single thing she loves about you and how you make her feel 

-You feel like youre not good enough? “I’m the fucking countess and i could have had literally anyone in vesuvia or beyond but i want you” 

-Will pick you up and spin you if she sees you smile because shes just so happy to see you happy. 

-Horseback riding as a way to help clear your head and escape anxiety is a given. 

-Shes really attentive to making sure you stay fed, in fresh clothes, and bathed, even during bad depressive times so that it doesnt pile on to your bad feelings.

Muriel-

-If not same hat then EXTREMELY similar hat

-Lives in the forest so hes all about that avoiding social anxiety life. 

-If you ever feel unsafe Inanna can and will lay entirely on top of you. 

-Feeding chickens and petting inanna as anxiety relief for both of you. 

-He’ll definitely hold you against his chest or with your head in his lap while you cry if you need it. 

-Muriel hates seeing you sad, and doesnt always know exactly what to do or say but he’ll make you eggs all the time to make sure youre still eating when youre sad. 

-Will remind you that youre like the only person hes ever truly let in to his heart and he doesnt want to lose you.

-Will also remind you that he gave you the myrrh voluntarily because he….wants you to remember him. hes never wanted to be remembered before. he never asked for it back. 

- He really empathizes with wanting to disappear but he doesnt want that when hes with you and he wants to work hard to help you feel the same way with him. 

-Long quiet walks in the forest together. 

-He’ll take you stargazing and tell you all the things he loves about the beauty of the forest and the stars…and you. 

-Big Hugs for Big Sads

-Enlists asra and nadia’s help if he feels he needs it, but he cares about you enough that he’d willingly seek out help for you. 

Portia-

-Yeets pepi at you Like A Football. 

-”Peep?? Peep Peep”

-Youre gonna feel better if it kills her. 

-Gardening to help with sadness, touching dirt always helps. She’ll spend hours with you in the garden, helping you create like beauty with your hands. 

-Chase the goddamn cockatoo with a broom to make you smile. 

-Enlist’s Maz and Maz’s soup as well. 

-Helps you find secret passageways to hide in when your anxiety is too much. 

-Too sad to leave bed? Portia will carry you and your blanket. 

-Is having none of that “oh what if you dont actually love me” business. She’s super used to Julian’s self loathing and depression that shes moved on to slightly tougher love. 

-She loves you and shes going to keep telling you that and shes not going anywhere. 

-She gets soft when you cry though and will cling to you for dear life and not move for hours. 

-”How dare you talk about the person i love like that” - Portia, to you, when you talk about reasons you hate yourself. 

-Cries with you though. 

-Doesn’t like when she has to go to work when you’re in a bad mental space so shes asks nadia for you to have just a nice room in the palace reserved for you that you can lay in so she can come check on you during the day. 

-Shes great for bad anxiety days because she has no problem doing social interactions for you. The thought of going to buy some herbs brings you to tears? No problem, she has no idea what herbs shes buying but shes Gonna Do It. 

-The strength of Portias hugs is liable to just squeeze the depression right out of you along with also your internal organs probably. 

Lucio-

-”How can you be depressed?? You’re dating ME, the COUNT! ……….Can I help?”

-He definitely tries to use his sex appeal to lighten your mood, it probably works sometimes (or at least gets a laugh out). 

-Gets extremely startled when you cry but holds you tight against him. 

-Cancels meetings, cancels plants, cancels the entirety of the Vesuvia if he has to in order to stay in bed with you when youre having a bad depression day. 

-You can cry into M&M’s fur as long as you’re not wearing any makeup :P

-Gets worried and hides the pointy tips for his gauntlet. 

-Absolutely having none of the “nobody really cares and its just an act” hes the COUNT! He could have anyone anytime he wanted! You were the first warmth and compassion he felt in years! The first person to really actually love him for /him/! he gets way more emotional than he plans to but he feels very strongly about this

- 4 hour powerpoint presentation on all the reasons hes into you

-Tries really hard to find material things that will help your mood. Gold? Silk? Furs? Sweets? Watching fistfights? Anything?

- He knows what its like to really disappear and hes not about to let that happen to you. 

-He’ll never admit it to anyone but you but hes clinging to you with everything he has and he will work tirelessly to help support you. 

-”Will petting my hair help you relax”

-Ropes Julian, Nadia,and Asra into things to help you, but they dont mind because its You theyre helping really. 

-Anxiety? “Oh don’t worry, I’ll make /sure/ all eyes are on me” it maybe doesnt help exactly as intended but watching him be ridiculous eases the tension a little. 

-Deep deep down he knows in his soul Deep Sadness and it makes him surprisingly good at supporting you. 

i hope this was what you wanted!!!! 

[pwnyta]

AGE OF ULTRON BOTHERS ME OK. Like... I ENJOYED IT. I thought it was a fun romp but if I think about it beyond just watching cool fight scenes its fucking irritating.

So Im gonna give my suggestions on how to fix it so it doesnt feel like Whedon disregarded every other movie that he had no part in..

HERE GOES.

First off... this should be a movie that completely cements the Avengers as a team. Ultron should try AND FAIL to put a divide in the Avengers. Loki already broke them up and Whedon absolutely knows that Civil War is coming and its gonna happen again so THIS movie should be one where the Avengers are the most SOLID OF UNITS.

Especially Steve and Tony. Steve distrust of Tony is baseless and obnoxious... it made some sense in the first movie because Tonys attitude in public and thats all Steve got plus Lokis discourse stick adding fuel to the fire... FINE. But its shitty in this movie and makes Cap look like a fucking moronic prick... because REALLY trusting the chick that mind raped you and tried to murder you over your fucking teammate? JANKY and makes you look like an incompetent leader (though the writers would ignore that fact because theyre too scared to let Steve make mistakes... but w/e)

The one area I can see them actually arguing or disagreeing is Tony making Vision after what happens with Ultron. Tony points out hes been making AI for a long ass time without issue and Cap says its not worth it, Tony argues damned if we dont maybe not damned if we do.... scuffle happens, Vision happens, Thor pops in, Stark was right... Cap and Tony have a heart to heart because theyre friends and they make up...

At some point before Wanda and Pietro switch sides, Wanda learns that Tony wasnt the one selling weapons... maybe when Ultron is talking about him learning shit from the internet and deciding humanity should just fuck off (a fair assessment honestly) one of the things he mentions is Tony being carelessness and Stane selling weapons under the table... and it starts sinking in in that moment that shes been attacking a man who had no real part in her parents death, but then Ultrons like Im gonna kill everyone and thats when Wanda and Pietro dip out.

The scene where Clint is talking to Wanda and Pietro should be a reconciliation between them and Tony instead... maybe a conversation about how he understands how it is to be the bad guy and hurt people because of grief... were not so different you and I and all that... and it would sting even harder in Civil War when Tony once again lets his grief consume him and he lashes out at Steve and Bucky.

Wanda getting to have a heart to heart with a character shes wronged most of all and trying to be a better person by helping the fight against Ultron would humanize her more and it would give her losing her brother a lot more of a sting. I think anyways.

CLINT SHOULD HAVE SHIT TO DO. I think Ive said this before but they should have Clint have a family but absolutely not have Clint go to his family home when hes being hunted down by a homicidal fuckin robot....ya know? He brings them to a safe house, the Avengers are still a little awkward and making comments... theres pictures of Clint with his wife and kids and Nat ‘these are agents.‘ ‘...the kids?‘ ‘...smaller agents...‘... at the end of the movie when theyre victorious we see a scene where Clint goes to another home and hes greeted by his wife and kids and were like OMG THEYRE ACTUALLY REAL AND NOT JUST A COVER? IDK what else to do with Clint...

Nat and Bruce woulda been fine but they should been the main source of animosity within the Avengers. Nat manipulated and lied to Bruce to get him into SHIELDs grasp and Bruce almost killed Natasha. Though theyre civil with each other in the end it would be interesting to see their relationship start to fester when theyre in a desperate situation. Maybe they get separated from the group and are forced to confront their negativity toward each other... and dont really make up until near the end of the movie. Natasha continuously thinks she can handle a situation alone (secretly shes afraid that Bruces anger for her will cause the Hulk to lash out at her too and Thor isnt around to stop him no one is... she'd be alone) and does a pretty good job fighting off the bad guys herself, but eventually theyre cornered and Bruce says they need Hulk... and she says no and they argue and Bruce does it anyways and takes out the bots coming after them and when he turns, Nat is clearly scared like she was that first time... Hulk reaches out to her because hes not just a mindless beast and she faces and conquers her fear and they work well together.

Bruce watching Natasha keep him safe and be there for him (maybe theres a point where SHE could save herself and leave Bruce but she doesnt) and she in turn sees that Bruce/Hulk isnt something that she needs to be scared of. EXCELLENT. If they wanna hint a maybe romance after that fine... I prefer it not happen but at least theres some material to work with. Bruce takes off at the end because he still cant deal with what happened earlier in the movie with him ripping apart a city... so hes off to Ragnarok as scheduled.

Thor.......... I dunno. Like Clint its a bit hard to work with him in this movie. He can do what hes doing in the movie I guess? but like... let him have some connection... maybe hes the one who calms Hulk down since Nats not there... but instead of just talking at Hulk hes like 'hey buddy!!' and Hulks like RRAWRRRR and Thor yells at him back and is like 'LOL -PUNCH- lets get going' and Hulk is like '-huff huff- -looks angry-.....k'. IDFK. But itd be cool since Ragnarok they became buddies anyways....

Rhodey should have been in contact with the Avengers in the movie more. There is a scene where hes talking with Tony and Nat over a computer but it was cut... but they should have given him that scene and him updating the Avengers on what hes doing (finding Fury and getting SHIELDs help or w/e) and Whedon not even letting Sam come back for the finally is unforgivable..

but I guess it would really highlight the fact he sidelined the 3 black guys and only let them come in in the end.... but Sam being sent to find Bucky was a shitty way to get rid of him. But it just makes it clear the movies after the Avengers was disregarded- Whedon doesnt know what to do with Sam (whos introd in Cap2), Rhodey is back to being War Machine with no explanation(even though in IM3 hes Iron Patriot), Fury is back with SHIELD (even though SHIELD was dismantled and Fury left)...

Rhodey being Iron Patriot could have been hilarious too... and also gave Steve and Rhodey some kind of connection. Just have him land by Cap in that ridiculous suit and Cap looks at him and he looks at Cap and Tonys like 'Well one of you needs to change...' and then in Civil War when Rhodey is back to War Machine... itd be kind of hilarious. They can even have another running gag where people keep fake mistaking them as the same person and theyre like 'ALRIGHT I FUCKING GET IT' 'LANGUAGE~~'

But youd need the writers to actually care about Rhodey... AND THEY FUCKIN DONT. All of them. Theyre all to blame.

..Where was I...

Also literally ONE scene with Vision and Tony... maybe at the very end... because Tony losing his most consistent/closest confidant and only RDJ looking devastated because he seems to be the only one who cares about Tonys bots/AIs kinda sucks. I mean Whedon admitted that he didnt think JARVIS was all that important didnt he? Garbo.

...IDK what else... but you know what I mean? Im so sick of heroes fighting each other... its cool and sad every once in awhile but literally every movie doesnt have to be that.

Will anyone read my rambling nonsense? Probably not... but I have a lot of feelings. AoU and BvS ...why do you gotta suck so hard.

[tumblunni]

Ehh i think i finally summed up why all of this steven universe diamonds stuff has been so underwhelming.

YES you can redeem a villain

but you have to

actually

TRY

Yes you can write a story about the world’s most fuckin horrible person being really actually sad at heart

Yes you can write a story about an abusive parent actually being able to change

Yes you can write a story about some wild genocidal alien civilization of asshole space rocks actually only doing it because something something societal pressure DESPITE BEING THE ONES IN CHARGE WHO SET THE DAMN RULES I GUESS

But fucking hell its not gonna be EASY and you shouldn’t treat it that way.

All of this shit was SO fucking quick?? And everything else WASNT!

You spent SO long hyping up these guys you spent SO long convincing us that they WERE evil and that they had entirey different motives for what they were doing and EVEN WITHIN THIS FUCKING EPISODE you spent more time showing us White Diamond being absolutely ridiculously existentially horrifyingly awful and refusing every offer everyone gave her to help and refusing every chance and fucking fucking goddamn violating people’s entire minds and just.. fuck.

After all that you cant just fuckin have steven walk up to blue and yellow and say “hey everything you did was bad” and them go “GEE WE NEVER KNEW!” for some reason this time they’re convinced in a single sentence despite it being the same sentence steven said before in every damn episode and pink said to them years before and every person they abused and enslaved and mutilated and KILLED said while they were DYING

And you can’t fucking have white diamond never redeem herself and never change and never admit she’s wrong and steven SOLVE IT WITH FUCKING FIGHTING WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO, WHILE THE ENTIRE SHOW TRIES TO CLAIM THE REASON THEY ARE DOING IT THIS WAY IS BECAUSE OF PACIFISM

because seriously he?? just defeated her?? and this made her?? change???

redeeming a villain shouldn’t be easy. redeeming a villain has to have the villain TRY. white diamond has done nothing to prove she really has a heart, prove that she really did all this for sympathetic reasons, prove that she’s able to change, AND ESPECIALLY NOTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE SHE’S HURT

she just got defeated and basically admitted she’s wrong cos she has no other choice. and i guess her blushing because steven issued a SICK BURN to her is meant to be enough proof that her entire motivation so far has been because of self confidence issues forcing her to put up a false front aka her entire personality we saw so far. If you wanna tell me she’s entirely different to what we saw so far then please could you please give it more screentime than twelve goddamn seconds.

This is like how yellow and blue just suddenly were accepted as part of the family and steven agreed to go with them to homeworld literally just because they realized he “is really pink diamond”. Like they never fucking repented or actually learned to empathise with humans or ever explained why they dont empathise with humans no nope the only answer we got is that they were sad about their sister/daughter/friend dying even though they were already doing all the same evil stuff before that and its what caused her to leave in the first place. no we’re gonna just completely trust them instantly and not even continue making an effort to convince them? we’re gonna trust them so much we’re gonna trust that white diamond will also change just cos we beat her up? COS SERIOUSLY STEVEN FUCKIN DEFEATED BLUE AND YELLOW IN A FIGHT AND THATS THE END OF THEIR ARC, HOW IS THIS PROVING THE POWER OF PACIFISM!! beating everyone up and then saying the same singular sentence again and somehow now it works!! or saying “my mum was pink diamond” and it doesnt convince them but hey if we say it again with magical proof its true then i guess it works now. wow that sure does argue the power of words i guess

everything EVERYTHING they did was just a fuckin misunderstanding cos they dont UNDERSTAND they were doing bad and thus they dont have to face any form of consequences beyond being mildly embarassed i suppose.

if you wanna make that the ending then you need to work to disprove all the hours you spent implying that.. yknow.. they were doing things because they were evil

and even if theyre sympathetic they still did evil things and they still need to work to prove that theyve changed

and ESPECIALLY if you’re making a show very heavy on subjects like LGBT discrimination it shouldnt be FUCKIN WOW UNEXPECTED that the audience would see this plot as a metaphor for stuff like homophobia and abusive parents and.. yknow.. societal oppression in a law system that forces you to live in the closet in constant fear of being discovered and killed. and all the other apparantly accidental undertones of racism and extermination of indigenous people in stolen land which YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED PEOPLE TO SEE WHEN THE PLOT IS LITERALLY EXTERMINATING PEOPLE TO STEAL THEIR LAND

all of that means you need to do MORE work to prove that that isnt actually what the plot is supposed to be, and more work to redeem villains who are very heavily goddamn triggering to a large part of the vunerable audience YOU SPECIFICALLY MARKETED YOURSELF TOWARDS

this was just so fucking overwhelming and somehow rushed despite being an hour long episode, and i hate it because the show spent so much effort on so much other stuff yet decided to half ass it at the really important part that NEEDED to have thought and time put into it if it was gonna nail the landing

especially after ALL THAT FUCKIN TIME AND EFFORT INTO THINGS THAT ONLY AMPED UP THE VILLAINY AND TENSION OF THESE GUYS AND MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE

like fucking hell how can you be so tone deaf??? this has been in the planning for so damn long and theyve been working on it forever and THIS is what they chose to rush over? this is the priorities they thought were important? even just within this episode if youre struggling to fit it all in then like seriously cut out some of the stuff like the montage of unseen fusion forms that did basiclaly nothing but a few jokes, and the equally as rushed bad lars and sadie romance resolution. Which is another thing that needed a lot of work to fix when the introduction we got to these two was a really unhealthy relationship and a dude who refuses to change despite being given twelve chances but suddenly changes COMPLETELY on the thirteenth one and i guess cos he died that proves he’s all good now. Except he acts all weird and creepy in the very next episode and endangers his new friends by acting all possessive over sadie again and getting angry that she has other friends????

i hate it because ive had to deal with the fandom telling all the people who were rightfully uncomfortable with how these subjects were handled that oh we’re just overreacting and oh wait and see cos they totally have a big plan for the ending or something that’ll make it all make sense. And comparing people being triggered by child abuse and racism to “huhu those dumb su criticals who hate the art style” or whatever...

god, man, its just a deflection of what the issue really is

“oh youre saying NO VILLAINS can EVER be redeemed and NOBODY can EVER talk about dark stuff in shows without being SECRETLY BAD AND SUPPORTING IT IN REAL LIFE?”

no im not saying that im just saying the subjects are fucking depressing to people who’ve suffered from the real life stuff and the villain redemption should be GOOD and should THINK ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE if it wants to make up for it

like fucking hell look at how much zuko from avatar went through before his redemption. look at how long he struggled with his morality and how long it took him to realise he was wrong. look at how much detail they showed us on all the people who negatively influenced him into making the bad choices he did. look at how much he went through to make up for what he did and apologise to everyone he hurt. look at how everyone he hurt didnt believe him at first and it took a while for everything to work out. look at how sometimes he messed up and took steps backward before getting to where he needed to be. and look at how he actually changed as a person and continued learning and growing and trying to be a good person even far into the future after the story ended.

hell, fuckin look at PERIDOT! peridot had a full goddamn zuko arc! peridot had more screentime than all of the diamonds combined, and it was way better utilized! she had a full process from being introduced as a scary villain BECAUSE OF MISUNDERSTANDING WHO SHE REALLY WAS, then being revealed as having a fully rounded personality, flaws and redeemable traits while still being a villain. and moments of her proving that she did indeed only become a villain because she didnt understand what she was doing was wrong, and a personality that matched with that reveal rather than having NO INDICATION she was like that until it suddenly happened only after she was defeated. and her redemption came slowly through friendship with steven and it had moments of the other characters not instantly trusting her and also of her making mistakes and struggling with believing steven’s philosophy when it went against everything she knew about life. and speaking of which it was established that she had a very different life which had negative influences pushing these ideas upon her, and tough stuff that made her scared and pressured. Not just being in a high position of ruling over a planet in the lap of luxury and ONLY AFTER BEING DEFEATED do we learn that they feel pressured by the societal expectation to be perfect and they actually would have agreed all along with dismantling the system but they were just too afraid to be honest. Or whatever the fuck that rushed ending was trying to go for! And man even after peridot joins the team she’s NOT redeemed yet, she’s initially only halfway doubting herself and only teaming up with steven because they’re both afraid of the cluster. And she messes up and says horrible shit to her new friends and feels the consequences of her actions and chooses to change. And her ultimate choice to switch sides is REALLY hard, she gets so close to going back to the diamonds and its a great personal sacrifice on her part when she chooses to give it all up and make an enemy of the person she was so scared of!

and GAHHH that good redemption is one in a million episodes that really set up the diamonds Being Bad and should have been a goddamn tally in the “effort required in the fuckin ending” chart!

could we not have even just had one ten minute episode of blue and yellow going around earth and experiencing human life and realizing there’s things worth protecting? or a few damn scenes foreshadowing white being actually insecure and lying to protect herself, rather than GENUINELY ABUSIVE BECAUSE SHE’S BAD?

and seriously even if you hurt people because you hate yourself YOU STILL HURT THEM

a sympathetic backstory should be a reason why they COULD be redeemed, not proof that they already are redeemed just because the backstory was stated in words and nothing else has fuckin changed.

imagine if zuko just lost one fight to aang and said “yes but my dad abused me” and aang was like “oh no now lets team up with zuko to beat up his dad” and none of the bad things zuko did were ever mentioned again and also he keeps his season 1 personality throughout the entire series

imagine if peridot fuckin.. just changed sides cos she’s funny and we like her. people wantedher to change sides as soon as she acted funny and likeable but they still made the effort to actually prove she had changed! the diamonds didnt act remotely harmless or remotely good until they just suddenly are in the very last episode.

hoo

fucking

ray

also why are we constantly just ignoring all these dark things about homeworld? like the episode with holly blue agate and the famethyst slave caste and all the creepy ways the entire place operated. i totally thought thatd.. yknow.. EVER BE REFERENCED AGAIN?? its never even mentioned that anyone even WANTS to go back and save them?? and the human zoo were outright stated to be like.. unsaveable. “oh theyve never known real human life and theyre happy in their slavery so itd be cruel to take them away from it” One off episode, forgotten about. And the creepy as fuck scenes of gems being BUILT INTO THE WALLS AND DOORS AS SECURITY SYSTEMS and the confirmation that more lapis situations are constantly going on yet somehow that singing hairbrush person doesnt get all the sympathy that she did. And steven going daww at the pebbles instead of being horrified that theyre born to work as servants and forced to live in the walls because the noblewomen dont want to look at them? and he asks them to make him a new outfit?? and theres no plot anything involving them except them puttering around in the background outfitting?? like was none of this meant to be seen as PROOF THAT THE DIAMONDS WERE EVIL and PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE SAVED????

goddddd

please say they were rushed or something please say this is all the faultof being given less time than they expected please say there were other plans for other episodes we didnt see that would have given at least slightly more substance to any of this

also why wasnt this even advertised as the last episode if its the last fuckin episode

hhhh well at least obsidian was a great character design and so were the other fusions and new outfits even if they only appeared for twelve seconds. and white’s whole scary evil mind invasion stuff was really good even if it actually hurt the episode by being good, kinda

man im not even mad or anything i just feel mehh and bored and like im actually glad its over. i never wanted to feel that way about a show that used to be so good. i kinda wish the earliest episodes werent so good if the answers to all those well set up mysteries were gonna have so much less effort than the setup itself

...man i should make a whole post about all the mistaken ways i THOUGHT the show was gonna go that actually would have been way more interesting than the real answer.

i’m just super glad that my last theory was wrong cos wow that would have been the only thing worse than this ending! when white pearl first appeared before we’d actually seen white diamond, and it had all this thing that white diamond hadnt been seen in ages.. well i was worried it was setting up some sort of reverse twist where actually white pearl is bodysnatching white diamond instead of vice versa. So the whole evil empire would actually be run by a member of the slave class that its oppressing, and the diamonds/representative of the upper class would actually be poor victims all along. dear god i am so glad i got that wrong! tho im weirded out by how evil white/pink pearl looked in that first hint that she was originally pink pearl??

anyway basicallly im just so fuckin tired

[090800]

one part of me doesnt say anything cuz i dont wanna hurt u. another part of me doesnt saying anything cuz ive honestly given up.

ive noticed that whenever we apologize, u take it as sarcasm no matter what. and ive also noticed that u never apoloize. im not sure why. i began to think that u get so defensive as an adult and maybe its bc u were never apologized to as a kid. 

i remember u told me i was being sarcastic and laughing at u on the inside when i apologized to u. after that i knew u wouldnt change so its up to me to work on whatever emotional trauma u caused.

u were not a perfect parent in terms of emotional support as a kid bc of the stress u were under. we know that now. but as a kid we didnt understand why u were so angry the way that u were. in my memory, it started before avalon. i have memories of u guys fighting and u slammed the table so hard ur metal beaded bracelet broke. ive hid under the dining table cuz i got scared. in avalon ive hid in my closet so u wouldnt hear me cry after u guys fought.

i always thought (and still do think) that u were an amazing person for not leaving ur family behind when u fully couldve. and i always wonder what wouldve happened if u did decide to leave back then.

i assume u dont apologize verbally bc its hard for u to admit that ur wrong or show that kind of vulnerability to ur kids and instead u show that ur sorry through actions. i can see through the way u have argued w halmoni that she probably hasnt apologized to u either. people are a product of their environment, i understand that now.

i dont say anything usually for a whole bunch of reasons. i dont wanna end up crying. i dont wanna be laughed at. i dont want u to say my feelings arent valid. i dont want to hurt ur feelings. i gave up trying to argue.

ive also began to think: whats the point? whats the point of arguing when theres never a solution. after the argument is over, we all go back to living like nothing happened. and ik ur probably thinking "so what? we need to dwell on the past? no, we need to move on." but i dont think its that simple.

why are we not allowed to dwell on the past? i guess nothing good comes out of never letting go but is there a middle ground? cant we use the past to learn from our mistakes and then better ourselves. ik i might be a hypocrite for saying that cuz ive made mistakes and ive made them again. so maybe me saying that isnt credible but its something ive thought of in this specific scenario regarding our family's problems.

i just dont understand why ur relationship with each other is so toxic. i cant remember the last time u guys just had a normal, full conversation without it ending negatively. the way i see it, each argument is adding fuel to the flame. ur relationship with each other gets worse and worse u just dont realize it.

i feel like by now shouldnt we all be tired?

and its not ur fault entirely. he is at fault too. ur old enough to know life isnt fair and that u need to work things out on ur own if u start feeling hopeless. u cant keep blaming someone else even if they hurt u. there has to be a point where u come to that realization and deal with it. u wont always be given closure so u need to learn to live without it. deal with things urself bc life is not fair.

i just want a normal healthy family but ive learned that u dont always get what u want so u have to make the best of what u have. accept the things u cant change.

i dont want to argue anymore bc its tiring. its emotionally and mentally draining.

[wolfwhiteflowers]

how to block a fandom.. ugh sigh  vvv

trying to not be so involved in the fandom or so. idk how. (winter hiatus is gonna be hell) 

everyone’s keep bashing on the show and saying mean stuff. be careful what u wish for.  

it’s gonna be fine. it’s just a show, u can do whatever with it, quit it, not take it seriously, or just #anti-

~~~~~~

i guess when a show is old and changing..or there’s a big fandom on online, there’s more fandom wank than I’m used to think there was before(the 1% theory). I’m more on the unpopular opinion-side (I always do). More bitter people and I feel like they’re missing out on some cool stuff that is still there, but they’re too bitter and impatient to see it. Fandom...internet places...people are generally negative? (people don’t like grey angsty arcs) Anyways, i just wanna focus on the positive stuff when i go online or to think. I understand some just wanna chat and rant, and some have other different reasons why they go online etc.

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ok so i think u just limit to a lot of fandom things. some rules..? this is hard to do. just don’t go on it so much.

-***most of the time, people/fan don’t need the fandom. Fandom is just on the side. I feel like being part of the fandom is like being part of a group or family and just helping people out. It’s like you’re just making up extra time to help/squee/argue people. Idk ..I can not be part of the fandom. //Fandom seems to care about being right, shipping, fave’s attention. Not much on analyzing on story. People suck. -Give a F*ck budget, money, time, energy.

-****try to avoid places where u see people’s opinions(comments/posts) all the time or just view it in short time. (also avoid negative rude people ect. -only read on positive people’s) It’s hard because fan forum sites, there’s great convo/analyzing/meta discussion in there that u sometimes don’t see in it like tumblr. But, lately i see people hate-watching commenting. (like “ofc, showrunner does this.” “i hope rating goes down so my fave actor can have a better job opportunity, or show it in showrunner’s face my ship is better than the notp and the spotlight.” ..really a lot of fans say the same things in any fandom. is it even true? )

-kinda..avoid stans...shipper stans. they only care about a ship. ok that’s kinda harsh..but yeah they’re most likely to be bitter because the show focus on other characters/ships too. Also, skim past the dramatic/jealous-like posts. 

-..idk why, but people like to compare all the time. criticize and judge quickly. like ok....why not both (fave ships)? Why compare faves? Good thing the show is just focusing on everyone..ok. Oh, and the whole this character is “weak” ok ..so say it to a disabled veteran or an abused wife. sigh. I don’t want to see a show with perfect strong superheroes. BORING! This show is not a boring video game. idk..some people don’t think ...critically or long-term.. like come on..this show, most shows are about characters and them being strong emotionally and physically in their challenges. Also, another thing, idk why fans focus on what the writers are saying but not thinking on the other characters too. Like if the show focus on a character apologizing to another character. That character who apologized= fandom hates him/her. But this other character who is a dick but the show doesn’t address it and doesn’t redeem him/her = fandom doesn’t care or notice it. Another is that fandom don’t like complex character...female characters blah blah. Idk what’s my point here. fandom popularity? so just know that sometimes fandom is just so immature, annoying and rude. So, try to avoid it.

-not a lot of people are overall-fans, so...there’s more wank for me to see it. same with being a multi-shipper, i see more wank too. Like me shipping c@ryl and r!chonne. boy, i see hate on all of them on per character. (because people who don’t like c@ryl are not r!chonners...but they may also ship r!chonne. idk why it’s c ship vs. r ship. it’s just ABD/C shippers.)

-oh, thing about generalizing. People love to generalize. sigh. I should try not to be so sensitive in the fandom or I’m so caught up in fandom wank. i should not take it seriously when people generalize...anyways people generalize things and that always create drama/fandom wank. omg. ugh. Sometimes, these people are ones that just plain assholes. So, block them. Sometimes, it’s just they said it wrong and/or thought it wrong. So, idk. Try to say “IMO,...” “Some shippers...”

-idk if it’s accurate...but my theory or what i heard..is that the show is the showrunner’s/writer’s show. It’s not mine and it’s not the fans’ show. Everyone’s have different likes and wants. Writers can’t please everyone. I heard that it’s good that the showrunner’s stick to what s/he wants because it’s their story and it’s not giving fanservice to please different types of people all the time.If they keep pleasing other people, it makes the show inconsistent and frustrating. Criticisms is ok but I think showrunners know and see it and they decide what to do with it. 

- ratings. ok so that’s hard to handle. it’s just part of being a tv fan. it’s all show business kind of thing. just be realistic. show’s gonna end someday. hopefully there will be a good conclusion and how the writers want it to go for the show. nothing’s goes fair and perfect on shows. (like there’s actors leaving or canceling) I don’t believe in those theories on changing writer’s minds on character/ships and stuff.

-putting words into actor’s/writer’s mouth. i hate that. These fans are obviously biased and ..like entitled-fans. (kinda like bad irl shippers too) This annoys so much. No one knows what the actors/writers are really thinking. That’s their personal life and they have their own personal opinions. so, saying this actor wants to leave because the show sucks, character is not focused as much, or they hate their co-stars. It’s soooo dumb and so rude. u don’t know them. what if the actor wants to leave because of sick family or just want to change careers or whatever. I just would rather have the facts and actor’s statement to say what really is going on. I don’t wanna theorize on biased-rumors. I also..just not into actor’s life. Like I’m not into idolizing actors/other performers etc., because I just don’t know them fully and ..it always end up disappointing..(like omg she smokes? omg she’s a drunk driver? omg she got married to that guy eew why?). So, idolize ..a little. My point is..idk just skim past the entitled fans...

-i like this advice from someone, ... go to #showedits Maybe even go to #showspoilers.( Well to look at overall of the show and gifsets. but there’s still wank, so idk.)

-i feel like idk what to think about the show because i feel like I’m worried about the fans’s feelings/thoughts and wonder what’s their reactions will be this time after an ep aired. I’m so caught up on fandom that idk what i myself like on the show or think what’s right. ....So I take a moment to myself and think on what I like and don’t like in an episode. Write out your feels! ...don’t need to have the fandom anyway.

-always ask, do i still trust the writers? Does my fave characters still in-character and I understand where the story or season’s story is going? Do I still like it?// Just know what kind of show it is. it’s just a show on that day to watch. maybe not get so invested next time. Or, to quit the show, find a spot in the show and say that’s my finale ep of the show for me. ..and there’s fanfictions. just make one up in ur head, an ending, and then move on. These are all fictional stories, you can do whatever with it.

-if ya wanna rant negative. imo, i like to just write it out and tag it #anti- and put it under ‘keep reading’. idk, deal with it, on what the show is, realistically. grieve it. it’s ok to quit a show. /////sometimes, when im confused of the plot and get mad at the writers, sometimes it’s best to wait it out...sometimes the writers already know about the “problem/drama of the plot” and they make sense later on.

-focus on what u like about the show. Do fan art! look at fan art, read fanfiction, and fan videos! Write it out on what u like and speculate. get it out of ur chest.

-during hiatus, there’s more fandom wank. sometimes, just wait a day, the wank is not there anymore. so, do fan art, or just go look into another show and stuff. take a break.

-having unpopular opinions. oh well. what the majority say isn’t always right. idk just shrug and be proud of ur thoughts or crack ship. if it’s like unpopular opinion on the show’s writing, then keep in mind, and maybe the show isn’t for you and that’s ok. *it’s all what the writers want to do. The majority doesn’t know and change the story atm. This part seems to be the hardest..cos u can see majority’s opinions all the time and everywhere. Usually negative sigh. So my tumblr dashboard ..is all mostly one fandom-fans. eh. so i see a lot.  Just keep scrolling and know ..that person from that fandom, probably complain about something. 

-most importantly, I tell myself, “do i still like the show? Do I still wanna watch and see how it goes?” Then if yes, then so it is. It’s all about me..if I still like the show. My time, money, care.

-tired of negative talk of anything. sigh. idk. (why do they repeat the same thing and say it 25,375 times? nothing’s changed. it doesnt help me or u. just deal w/ur crap feels now and get it over with.) (some say it’s bad writing when it’s just something they don’t like. something minor. complain easily. basically..it’s just that it’s the writers’s show or they forget it’s a season-long arc.) i guess go elsewhere . fanart.