#and say. thats enough. enough of this. further violence isnt helping make anything better

[4pfsukuna]

Could u write a sukuna fluff where he helps reader take down her braids and do her wash day 🙈

Debrief: i loved writing these cute little 1k word sfw fluff… in sukunas way

“What is it the braids!”

“Say it again and imma punch you in the throat” you huff stabing your braid with the tip of the tail comb wishing you could stab it into something else. You regret the day you introduced your boyfriend to kendrick lamar and worse explained the kendrick and drake beef. You remember the exact moment he decided to become a fan, it was exactly one month ago.

“So he woke up and chose violence?” He ask with a wicked smirk on his face. “Just started atttacking him through the music leaving psychological scars and making everyone hate him?” He follows up and you nod bopping along to the beat of not like us playing through the speakers of your rose gold macbook. 

“Yeah a real menace but the people love him” you tell him swooping your edges with the mini cheetah print brush careful not to make it to big so you wouldnt become the next meme on social media.

“I approve” his wicked smile grows until he hears a specific part that makes his eyes light up.

But that was a month ago, and even then you were holding on to these braids and knotless werent something to hold on to. Especially with the boho hair pieces getting tangled from you and your boyfriends sex sessions no amount of swooped edges, manipulated styles or headbands could save the style.

Unfortunately he loved you with these braids, loved that you had them a maroon color. The same color of his eyes. He thinks you look like a goddess but he would never tell you that can’t have you to arrogant.

So when a white man at the grocery store tells you he loves the braids, you immediately cancel date night with your boyfriend and head home to take them down. Enough was enough and that was all the sign you needed.

Sukuna isnt happy though and why would you expect him(derogatory) to just be okay with it and leave you alone. 

“Woman, explain” he ask with an annoyed look… well he always looks annoyed, he almost misses the section in your hair, it is very small, of braids thats youve already taken out.

“A white man complimented my hair so i have to take it down” you explain and when you dont offer any further explanation except just a blank stare with a tiny pout he nods. He knew better than to ask anything about your hair.

He barges in, in his true fashion kicking off his shoes at the door before sitting where you were sat.

“Uraume is good at hair stuff… want me to call them?” He offers not sure of how to help when your mood visibly sinks further but you just shake your head. 

“No i just… its so much its going to take days and im sorry for canceling i just—“ your eyes begin to water and Sukuna doesnt know how to handle this. Hes use to his big strong girlfriend who even though shes nearly a foot shorter you werent scared of him, scared to threaten him or scared to put him in his place. You problem yelled at him more than he yelled at people plus he would never forget the day you put him in a headlock. It kinda turned him on.

“Sweetheart let me help you then, put on some of your music that you like and sit between my legs like you make your neice do when you do your hair and ill pay to get your next style, okay” he rushes out pulling you to him in a hug and he hears you sniffle. For a woman that bullied a known menace to society you could be so sensitive sometimes but he loves that. Loves when you run into his big strong arms for protection.

“Can we get food?” You sniffle into his shirt and he chuckles squeezing you tighter.

“As long as you dont get your nasty snot on my shirt” he teases making you laugh.

“What is it the—nggh! Did you just bite me?!” He hisses tugging a little rougher on one of your braids making you whine. It didnt hurt but you were so tired, your arms were in pain from holding them up so long and your neck from leaning it against his muscular and meaty thigh.

“I told you stop saying that” you hiss dropping your arms tired of sitting here your butt was hurting also there was only but so many angles you could sit in. He promised booty rubs an hour ago but you had so many braids you were never going small again.

“Ugh you are the worst client ever, youre actually never allowed back to my malevolent salon of doom” he mimics the way you play pretend with your niece over he sees you getting frustrated again and your immediate cable lets him know that was the right thing to say and he’s proud.

You run your fingers through the back of your head pretending to scratch trying to see how many he has left when you notice he’s actually completely done before a loud smack and your hand is stinging.

“Did you just pop me?!” You're shocked, and with the comb nevertheless?! Oh he was spending too much with you learning too much about you and your mannerisms.

“Yeah and ill do it again, now let me tell you about the drama that happened at the kfc outside the tattoo shop since you didn’t want to answer my calls”  he scoffs before starting on the front section of your hair.

“So i guess this guy and his boyfriend were breaking up… actually the white haired guy I’ve seen before I’m pretty sure he’s the dad of Yujis classmate… or something but the kid looks like the other boyfriend… and i think he wanted to fight?” He rambles but you’re getting lost.

“Wait, who wanted to fight, the kid?” You ask stretching your legs out infront of you with a small yawn.

“What? No, the white haired guy!” He sucks his teeth pulling your head back so your eyes are on him. “I’m not sure what you’re worse at taking out braids or keeping up with drama.”

You don’t mention that you’re going to want his help washing your hair too just let him keep talking about his kfc drama with unnamed characters and half sentences.

[ozfi]

blade watch with robin archive

Something something being scared of instincts because they can be seen as animalistic when theres such an importance given to Humanity and humans being separate from animals (and undead). And youre not even certain of your humanity at this point in the first place

Waiiit its ok to fall into substance abuse when it makes you forget the parts of yourself youre scared about <3 & become someone who isnt you but feels like the "better version of yourself" that you could ever be

you cant find a way through and nothing you try is working and the whole world seems against you (even as it tries to help) so . Do something worse

I heart digging a deeper hole thats even harder to get out of

its especially potent i think cuz there was that moment where tachibana really did think she was getting better while fighting isaka at the end of 09

like i feel better im having a breakthrough i might die here but itll be worth it

but not even THAT worked. and that is what was supposed to work. so what other option does she have?

Something to be said abt how in this new era you can actually see tachibana's eyes that her hair is no longer in front of but it doesnt make her any more like. I forgot what the adjective is for showing emotions

expressive? readable? im forgetting the word i want too

Switch from obvious depressive feeling horrible in her life and body -> toxic hypermasculinity in order to try and power thru and become a better expected version of herself

Down to the way she wears her jacket and shit

I see it i see it -

i like that kenzaki and tachibana have to run forward and put intent in their transformation but mutsuki quite literally waits for it to overtake him and hajime just is. obviously -

i honestly like . how people in blade kind of just get worse at first cuz like. its not that simple. theyre all trying their best but they dont really understand each other. things often get bad despite how hard you try

Lessons have to be learned thru it going really bad Because none of them learn anything when things go well

mutsuki in particular has had such a bad time going on he's traumatized as fuck and getting over that wouldnt be so simple...

mutsuki and tachibana both have to deal with autonomy in really interesting ways

i also like how someone being worried for them isnt enough to stop the bad thing from happening. love isnt a be-all end-all savior Thing. you have to work for it. someone has to actually understand what's going on and you have to keep trying even when the bad things are happening and it feels like they wont stop. you just cant give up.

Love is used as a pillar but its not the whole of it you have to build upon it Its the foundations, a life built without love can work but on a precarious balance, a life that has love but nothing else doesnt have a roof and shelter

nozomi loves mutsuki sure but she's saying she wants the old mutsuki back. but the old mutsuki is constantly terrified, weak, sad, stuck in the dark,

she has her heart in the right place to be sure! she doesnt know about mutsukis trauma! but its that lack of understanding that isolates mutsuki further

everyone wants mutsuki back in the light.

isnt there another option?

(surely if we looked for one we would find it)

Theyre too busy trying to take it away from him to figure out the mechanisms behind why he needs it

Well, tachibana is trying a little more but shes also projecting too much and not seeing his individuality thru it

the spider chose mutsuki for a reason and you cant just wrench someone away from a bad coping mechanism (tachibana should know this . but of course she doesnt)

The joker has no ancestor. The joker has no family. The joker has no future except to immisce itself in the life of others

hajime has nothing, has created nothing, needs to rely on nothing , is connected to nothing, has no past aside violence, no future besides bloodshed, hajime has no right to exist in this world

Mutsuki projecting because he couldnt fight the ace and now all that he is is dictated by and defined by the ace

Whereas hajime pulled through that

he does constantly say hes the strongest even when hes clearly losing and its a pretty intentional thing to repeat

Hes trying to convince himself that it was the right thing to do and that hes on the right path

Right. like he didnt make a mistake in seeking it out, that he really can get strong on his own, that this isnt hurting him because if he lost then?

how can he be strong if hes so weak?

when kenzaki is in danger he doesnt rely on hirose or koutaro

they work together for the sake of others and he even calls them friends but its hard to find times (aside from casual cohabitation) where he trusts them the way he should

He seeks out their proofs of friendship but hes not willing to do the same

Like hes so happy early on when they talk abt him as a friend and such

he's happy to be cared about but i dont really think he extends that feeling in the same way

and he doesnt really understand how much hes cared about?

He knows the concept of care is something thats good and that he should he happy he has but he doesnt really understand it

I think his problem is he has too much love in his heart and he doesnt know what to do about it

Love for humanity is beautiful but its also vague, so as much as it motivates him, its hard to feel like its tangible

Love for a singular person however is much more tangible

And that makes it hurt much more in a way

how can love be so terrible monstrous and powerful and still not be enough

I do like that like People never infantilize him when they try to reason with him like they never bring up him being a kid or whatever they all treat him with respect as an equal even if they dont get him/get frustrated by him

i especially like it cuz none of them are especially older than him

the blade main character unit is 17-25 in ages

if they WERE treating him like a little baby itd be weird

mutsuki cant be ANYTHING nobody allows him to be anything he is not strong he is not very supported he's not an ally he's not anything he gets kidnapped he gets possessed he gets cloned

nobody wants him to be him

even he doesnt want himself to be himself right now

He gets used as an object and concept more than anything

The ace undead itself is turning him into a concept and a trope slowly

see NOW

NOW

shes like

NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE. AND WHO YOU ARE. ill stand by you

as opposed to before when it was "i miss the old mutsuki"

theres something to be said about how kenzaki struggles envisioning a future

be it near or long term

he only lives in the present in that way

its unexpected but its also not out of left field at all like it makes u reatroactively think abtthe way kenzaki has been this whole time and when u look back at it it makes total sense, u know what i mean?

kenzaki is in that perfect spot of main character where main characters can often be given a like. idk how to word what i mean

theres a strong projection

a projection thats so strong that you kinda forge your own idea of the character until they go against that idea and you realize that you based it on tropes and nothing else

and that all this time hes been thinking about something else and living something differently while everyone around him projected onto him as a hero

i think kenzaki is a good example of a narrative that only shows you whats on screen and something about the way he is makes it very clear that hes on camera and theres a facet to him that would only be shown outside of it. however he exists in a show and doesnt exist when hes off camera so in the end all we see of him is like. its staged. literally but also in the way his character works? he doesnt talk or show how he feels but when it's "revealed" you look back and see that all the warning signs were there but were just overtaken by the narrative being built aroudn him -

like i said before i think kenzaki felt happy about being cared about because thats a concept thats alien to him and hes been taught that its a good thing that he should cherish. however thats not a feeling thats internalized and i dont think he Actually feels cared about or understands what that care means or how hes supposed to reciprocate it

he literally has not been cared about for over a decade before this

and theres things to be said about the people he lost being family and how he feels distant from anyone outside of that (further solidifying the evidence how intensely he feels about hajime

did you notice in the last 10 episodes other people had to come along and be empathetic in kenzakis place?

when mutsuki is brought down from the chains its tachibana who tells him she understands

kenzaki doesnt say ANYTHING!!

hes obviously unhappy. and its not a good situation. but every single time this happens someone else is doing the empathizing and kenzaki is unhappy but silent. and its hard to notice unless you look for it . but its there

"i believe in how much hirose loves her dad" is so roundabout its like

How did he get away with this

where most people would hear "the joker must be stopped before it becomes last" he hears "i must stand opposite the joker to forever keep it at a standstill" which is absolutely not a normal person thing to think

literally every single other person around kenzaki was set on either hajime Not being the joker (impossible) or sealing him

they even acknowledged kenzaki being able to become the joker but it was a bad thing and to be avoided

and i wont deny its horrible. his literal humanity was torn out and replaced. but.

and this is a BIG

BUT

this is exactly what hes been chasing after the whole show

regardless of if its good or bad its what he wanted and its one of the first choices hes ever taken fully for himself where he's owned that quote unquote "selfishness" of his

his literal humanity was taken but this is the most human choice he possibly could have made

something i like about blade is that

i dunno its about humanity sure but its like.. sometimes being human isnt all its cracked up to be

but its important to hajime. because of everything that goes with it

and thats important

everyone skirts those lines between humanity and inhumanity. all four of them do

[opens-up-4-nobody]

It's so weird watching fullmetal alchemist in contrast to naruto. Because both are set in fucked up worlds where everyone has committed war crimes, has had war crimes committed upon them, or is a war crime. But I trust that fma fundamentally understands how fucked up everything is, including the sinister qualities of the institutions that allowed this to happen. Naruto understands its fucked up on a surface level, but also glorifies the institution and never changes.

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 8

a/n: Effusive thanks to @hollyethecurious for the artwork! I love it so much! Thanks also to everyone for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, and reblogging! I'm so pleased by the way people have been engaging with this story. Love you all xxx

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 and @resident-of-storybrooke

Chapter 8: 

Killian was out of school for a week, for a “mental health break” he called it with a chuckle, apparently a term he’d gotten from Dr Hopper. He saw the psychiatrist daily during this break and spent the rest of his time at the harbour with Liam, working on their boat, reading, playing his guitar, and talking with his brother about everything that had happened. 

“We’ve hashed it all out in excruciating detail,” he told Emma as they sat together in the boat’s cabin, she working on her college essays while he practiced a new song. “It’s such a relief to be able to really talk to Liam again. There was a time when we had no secrets between us. He showed me all the information he had collected on Milah and her situation. Apparently her divorce is almost finalised and next month she’s starting a job teaching English in Japan.” He smiled. “She’ll like that, a chance to travel. What she always wanted.” 

“Hmmmph,” said Emma, glaring at the screen of her laptop as she typed rapidly. 

“Swan,” he admonished, giving her a mock scowl as he strummed a chord at her. 

Emma slammed her hands down on the keyboard. “Killian, I just don’t know how you can be so forgiving after what she did to you.” 

He set the guitar aside and his expression became serious. “I have to be, don’t you see?” he asked, looking at her intently. “I can’t hold on to my anger or it will eat me alive. I didn’t even realise how angry I was until Dr Hopper helped me see it, and how by not acknowledging it, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting it go, I was only hurting myself. Besides, I did genuinely care about Milah, and I’m glad she’s finally in a place where she can be happy.” 

“Hmmmmph.” Emma concentrated on deleting the gibberish she’d produced by her attack on the keyboard.

“A place that doesn’t include me,” said Killian brightly, picking up the guitar again and plucking out a cheery tune. “That’s good, isn’t it Swan?”

“I suppose so,” she grumbled. “Though I’d still prefer if the place was dark and scary and full of nettles.” He laughed heartily at that and she couldn’t hold back an answering smile. “Hey, I’m nearly done with this, will you read it over and make sure it’s okay? Just check my grammar and punctuation and stuff.”

“Of course, love, though I’m sure it’s already brilliant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freed from the weight of his worry and guilt, Killian gradually began to smile more easily, and his witty, teasing nature (“cheeky git,” Liam called him, his voice irritated but with a relief so profound it bordered on joy in his eyes) came more readily to the fore. When he returned to school the following Monday, he moved through the halls with a swagger that Emma had never seen on him before. Unlike the arrogant, bullying one that Neal always had Killian’s evoked a simple self-assurance that she had to concede looked really good on him. Despite how much emotional baggage he still had to work through he clearly wasn’t burdened by shame anymore, and equally clearly did not intend to take any crap from anyone. 

This made itself evident that morning when he shut his locker and turned towards his first class, only to find himself confronted by Felix and Rufio. 

“Really, chaps?” he said, raising an eyebrow at them. “You couldn’t even wait until after school so you could chuck me into the bins, like proper high school bullies?”

This mockery went clean over the other boys’ heads, and they continued to block his path, trying to look intimidating while also trying not to be intimidated by Killian’s calm demeanor and his amused expression. 

Felix, the sligtly cleverer of the two, suspected he was being laughed at but couldn’t put his finger on why. He didn’t like it. 

Bristling, he sneered at Killian. “Bet you think you’ve won,” he snarled. “Now that Neal’s in jail and out of the way. Now you can move in on Emma like you did on that—” he broke off as Killian stepped into his space. There wasn’t much difference in height between them, but somehow Felix had the impression of Killian towering over him, his face calm but his eyes darkly furious, and for once in his life he felt a stab of genuine fear. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” growled Killian in the new, lower register his voice had taken on more often of late, “So you’d better listen carefully. Your mate Neal is a criminal, and not even a good one. He’s in jail because he’s stupid, and that’s nothing to do with me. I have no doubt it’s where he’d always have ended up eventually. Bit of advice: If you’re going to steal confidential information, don’t take pictures of the evidence on your phone, and definitely don’t then show those pictures to the sheriff’s daughter. Neal got what he deserved. I now consider this matter closed, and if you or anyone else—” he raised his voice so that the rapidly assmbling crowd of onlookers could all hear, “—tries to take it any further, you will not care for the repercussions.” 

Felix wasn’t sure what “repercussions” were, but the hint of repressed violence in Killian’s manner made him keen not to find out. He had always been content to follow Neal, less out of respect for the other boy than a simple unwillingness to make a thing out of Neal’s belligerent insistence that he should be the one in charge, but he’d always sensed that there wasn’t much substance underneath Neal’s bluster. Killian however didn’t bluster. He simply stated facts, and Felix could tell that he was not the sort of person to make a threat he couldn’t back up with action. Perhaps it was time to step out of Neal’s shadow, thought Felix, and take over leadership of their little gang. He certainly couldn’t do a worse job of it than Neal had, and escalating a pointless conflict with a guy who looked prepared to fight dirty if necessary was much more Neal’s style than Felix’s. He nodded at Killian, and stepped back. Rufio looked surprised but followed his lead. 

Killian nodded back then transferred his glare to the crowd of onlookers, which had grown considerably in the past thirty seconds and now included Emma and Ruby, he could see out of the corner of his eye. “As for what you may have heard about me,” he said, loudly enough for all to hear. “It’s all true.” He smirked for a moment as a gasp went through the crowd, then his expression hardened. “It’s also no one’s business but mine, and those in whom I choose to confide. This is all I have to say on the subject. Now, if you’ll all excuse me I don’t wish to be late for class.” He slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed down the hall, turning his head briefly to shoot Emma a wink. People moved aside to let him pass and as soon as he had turned the corner furious whispering erupted in his wake. 

Ruby pursed her lips. “I may have underestimated him,” she remarked. 

Emma’s heart was pounding, a familiar occurrence where Killian was concerned, but this time it felt different. She’d been worried about how he would react to the ineveitable curiosity and questions from their classmates, but this smooth handling of a potentially explosive situation instead of calming her fears instead filled her with the wild desire to run after him, to fling herself into his arms and kiss them both breathless. 

“He’s just so wonderful,” she sighed, and Ruby laughed. 

“Down, girl,” she teased. “I’ll grant you this one’s worth your time, unlike the douchemaster general, but remember we’re in school. No one wants to see that.” 

Emma rolled her eyes and gave her friend a shove, but the butterflies continued rhumba-ing around her insides, this time accompanied by an odd, hollow sort of ache as she remembered her resolution not to pursue Killian anymore. She was now all but certain that she loved him, that beyond the hot, tingly sensation she always felt in his presence lay a profound devotion. She would do anything for him, sacrifice anything to give him what he needed, and that terrified her. For the first time in her life Emma felt vulnerable, exposed, as though her chest were torn open and her heart lain bare to the mercies of fate and one gorgeous, troubled boy. She hated it. Even knowing that Killian would never intentionally hurt her was no consolation when the truth was that he could hurt her simply by caring deeply for her as a friend. If that was all she could ever have from him she would take it, she knew, without pushing for more, but it would be a wound on her heart that would never heal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s a bully,” shrugged Killian at lunchtime, when Emma, this time accompanied by a very inquisitive Ruby, found him in the library. “Bullies are just cowards at their core, and cowards are easy to intimidate. He won’t do anything because he won’t want to call my bluff. I might not be able to back it up but he’ll be too scared to risk finding out.” 

“And what would you have done if he had called your bluff?” inquired Ruby. 

Killian shrugged again. “Probably got the shit kicked out of me.” 

“Would you have, though?” Ruby pressed, watching him through narrowed eyes.

He returned her stare with a look of wide-eyed innocence. “There were two of them to only one of me. Seems inevitable.” 

“Does it?” Ruby’s disbelief was almost palpable, and having fenced with Killian for months now Emma shared her friend’s suspicion that he was deliberately underplaying his fighting skills.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out,” said Killian with a small smile, in a tone of voice that made it clear he would answer no more questions on the subject. “I quite like my face arranged the way it is.” 

“It is a nice face,” said Ruby with a wolfish grin that widened as Killian’s ears turned pink. “But I didn’t come here just to flatter you. Victor asked me to ask you if he could have your phone number.”

“My number?” Killian blinked in surprise. 

“Yeah, there’s some concert in Portland and he doesn’t have anyone to go with and he thought you might be interested.” 

“Um, sure, I guess.” Killian rattled off the number and Ruby sent Victor a text. A minute later his phone buzzed and he looked at it, snorting as he read the message. “Bit of a wanker, your boyfriend,” he remarked to Ruby. 

“I don’t know what that is but I’m somehow sure that Victor is one,” smirked Ruby. “Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’m rather fond of wankers,” said Killian absently as he typed his reply. “My brother is one, after all.” His phone buzzed again almost instantly and he raised an eyebrow at what he read on it. 

“Ems, I think maybe we should leave the boys to their chat,” said Ruby, and as much as she hated to sacrifice free time with Killian, from the way he was fixated on his phone, his expression almost gleeful as he typed rapidly, Emma had to admit she was probably right. 

“Okay,” she said. “See you in class in a few minutes, Killian. And maybe hang out after school?”

“Hmmm? Oh, I have an appointment with Dr Hopper at four, but I can text you when I’m done.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him but his attention was back on his phone, so she followed Ruby out of the library trying not to feel too disgruntled. Killian should have other friends, she told herelf firmly, male ones who shared his interests. That was normal, and he could use some normal in his life right now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, things at school settled back into a routine, albeit one that was markedly different than it had been. Neal had been officially arrested after David’s investigation, charged with burglary, theft, and theft of a medical record, and was facing up to five years in prison. His parents had put up their house as collateral to pay his bail, but weren’t allowing him to return to school. 

“Not much point when he’ll just go straight back to the slammer after he’s sentenced,” said Ruby viciously. “So much for that football scholarship he was so cocky about.”

Emma tried to find some compassion for Neal and what was basically the wreck and ruin of his future, but couldn’t dredge up a single particle of it. He had committed several felonies for no other reason than to stick it to Killian for outsmarting him and for becoming her friend, and he’d committed them flagrantly and with no thought to the consequences. He’d probably thought there wouldn’t be any consequences. Killian was right: Neal deserved everything that was coming to him, if only for being so colossally, arrogantly stupid. 

People still whispered about Killian as he walked through the halls but true to character he paid little attention. He did, however, gradually began to open up more and allow more of himself to show through his defences, willingly participating in classes and talking to people other than Emma and Ruby. By the time finals week arrived had actually made a few friends. 

Killian reflected wryly that in a twisted sort of way Neal had done him a favour. With all his secrets now out on the open he was free to embrace the opportunity for a new life he’d found in Storybrooke. Not that there had been anything particularly wrong with the old life, at least since his father had finally left. He’d been a mean old drunk, Brennan Jones, and by the time he’d been forced to flee his creditors for good, stealing a boat from Bristol harbour and melting into the offshore underworld, his sons had been glad to see the back of him. Killian thought about what he himself had been like back then, before Milah, and even though it had only been about a year since he’d first become involved with her so much had changed both in his circumstances and in himself, he feared that hopeful, enthusiastic boy was lost forever. Who exactly had taken his place was the question Killian had asked himself daily for weeks now, and he still wasn’t sure how to answer it. He’d become so used to holding everything in, to keeping such a tight rein on his thoughts and feelings that letting them out, accepting that it was okay to express them had become almost unbelievably difficult. The only person he felt even remotely comfortable being fully himself with aside from Liam was Emma, whose support and friendship remained unwavering as he bumbled and struggled thorough the reclamation of his life, and he remained intensely grateful for it. 

Only one thing about Emma troubled him-- that she no longer seemed to be interested in anything beyond his friendship. All the little hints and cues she had been giving him since they’d met were suddenly gone, and while he was relieved to be free of the added stress of constantly resisting something that part of him desperately wanted, he couldn’t help wondering if there was a darker motivation for this abrupt about-face. Perhaps, whispered an evil little voice in his head, Emma was actually more disgusted by his past than she let on and was simply too kind to tell him directly. Maybe the thought of him touching her turned her stomach now. He certainly couldn’t blame her if it did.   

“What do you want from your relationship with Emma?” asked Dr Hopper one afternoon, after Killian had finally brought himself to mention the change in her behaviour. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

Killian frowned, struggling to sort through the complex tangle of his feelings about and for Emma. “I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone,” he said finally. “I still feel too messed up for anything like that. But I— I’m still really attracted to her. I think about her all the time, about how we kissed at her party, and I want to kiss her again pretty much constantly, but then I remember Milah and how I thought I felt about her, and I just—” 

“You don’t trust your judgement.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Killian, it’s important for you to remember that you have a much more equal relationship with Emma than you ever did with Milah.”

“Equal, with Emma?” Killian snorted. “You have met her, right?”

Dr Hopper smiled patiently. “I understand that you feel she’s beyond your reach, and that’s a separate issue, but what I mean by equal is that she’s your age and at your stage of life. With Milah you were constantly struggling to relate to her life and her experiences, and when you couldn’t you attempted to make up for that by offering her the affection and sexual attention she craved. You forced yourself to offer these things even though you didn’t genuinely feel them because you feared the consequences of not offering them. But with Emma there is no need to manufacture anything. She is placing no demands on you and therefore any attraction and affection you feel for her is genuine.”

“But what should I do about it?”

“Why should you have to do anything? You said you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, and that’s fine. Let yourself heal. The process is slow and frustrating, but believe me you are making progress. Let your feelings for Emma and your relationship with her develop at a pace that is comfortable for you. From what you’ve said it sounds like she will still be there when, if, you’re ready for more.” 

“It’s more than likely she no longer wants more. And even if she did, what happens when she meets someone who isn’t so hopelessly fucked up? Then where does that leave me?”

“Why don’t you worry about that if —not when— it happens?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the last day before winter break, Emma nervously approached Killian’s locker and handed him an invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party addressed to him and Liam. 

“It’s just a thing they do every year for their friends and our neighbours,” she began to ramble as he examined the card, certain he would refuse and wanting to delay that painful moment. “My mom loves to entertain, and my dad says it’s good for building a rapport between law enforcement and the community, and—”

“Swan,” interrupted Killian, giving her that soft, indulgent look that said he knew exactly what she was thinking. “I’m sure we’d love to attend. Thank you for inviting us.” 

The butterflies soared in a grand jeté, and she felt like she was flying with them. “Great,” she said trying to keep her voice calm, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

Her delighted smile made his breath catch, and his answering grin set her heart galloping. Their eyes met and held, and as the end of semester chaos whirled around them they stood a breath apart, swathed in frustrated yearning and brittle tension, the only two people in the world.  

Then the final bell rang, and they leapt apart, Emma smoothing her skirt with shaking hands while Killian ran his own trembling fingers through his hair. 

“So, onion rings at Granny’s?” ventured Emma, wanting to kick herself for making him nervous again, after all her resolutions, hoping desperately he wouldn’t pull away. 

Killian sighed in relief, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Granny’s was safe. “Sounds perfect, love,” he said.