#and sarah is a good collie girl

[jim-news-is-live-blog]

DJ and the Demons

For the seventeenth time in as many minutes, Jason glanced at the grandfather clock. It was tall, tall enough to fit a man (or man-shaped being) inside, and ornate, covered in faded bronze vines and flowers. The hands on the clock face ticked forward - another minute, gone. They should be here any minute now. Jason wasn’t the anxious type, but he was beginning to get worried. The directions were as clear as possible, he knew - he even put in pictures for his disaster-magnet siblings and steered clear of his usual flowery language, but the Jims were never ones for directions.

Jason took a breath, adjusting his tinted glasses on his nose and staring at the clock, willing them to arrive. It wasn’t often he get time off from his numerous clients, and what better way could he spend that time than with his family? After what felt like an eternity, the doorbell rang. Jason immediately jumped to his feet, glancing at his outfit in the mirror (immaculate, like always) before opening the door to the tide of Jims.

CJ and RJ, the reporter twins, entered first. 

‘Aha! DJ, we Jims are here! It’s very Jim to see you again. We found some demons!’ The reporter turned to his brother. ‘We are here at the home of our brother, the great and famous Drama Jim! Over and out.’

‘Oh? You did, did you?’ Jason asked, stepping aside to let the rest of the jabbering, awe-filled Jims into his home. It wasn’t by any means a large or magnificent house, but he remembered what living with the rest of the Jims was like - all this space, just for one person? Bliss. CJ turned off his camera, holding it lightly in his hands. Putting it away was out of the question - no Jim would dare to leave something so important, so crucial to their identity out of arm’s reach. 

‘Yes! It told us to sub-scri-be, whatever that means. But our reports are going well! People seem to like our show. We even managed to get a slot on a very Jim show! It was called- oh, but never mind that. How are you? How’s your new life going?’ RJ asked eagerly, microphone pointed towards Jason’s face. CJ grinned, a bright light entering his eyes as he slowly raised his camera again. Jason shook his head in regret, walking on through into the kitchen, where various Jims had already begun to raid his fridge for ingredients to make the secret foods that all Jims loved and craved, even him. 

‘I am afraid that I cannot say. My life has been busy, with all my clients, that I have had no time to enjoy a Jim away from Jim.’

‘Oh? Your clients? Breaking news! Breaking news, Jim! We have an exclusive report from the house of the mysterious DJ! DJ, have you anything Jim to say about your clients?’

Jason paused for effect, leaning on the side table. The Jims around him had stopped in their cooking, reverentially staring towards him and staying completely silent - out of respect for the interview, of course. He ran a hand through his slicked-back hair, lapping up the attention.

‘Well… I did have a client recently. The Drowned Man.’

A ripple ran through the crowd, the excitement almost palpable.

‘The Drowned Man? Did you get that, Jim? How Jim of DJ! What was the Drowned Man’s problem that needed your Jim touch?’

Jason paused again.

‘His house was plagued by… a water demon. A beast, intent on driving this poor man from his home! A water demon that dampened his ceilings, flooded his house, and nearly drowned his wife! A water demon… that covered the house with blood!’

Gasps from the surrounding Jims. RJ, too, gasped, and CJ rocked the camera slightly, he was so taken aback. 

‘Did… did you banish the demon from his home?’ RJ asked. As though the very movement pained him, Jason shook his head, pushing his tinted glasses back up his nose.

‘The demon… it left of its own accord. But for all we know, it’s still out there, waiting… ready for another poor, unfortunate soul to drown in misery, despair, and… blood. However! I will be ready! When the demon comes again… I will stop it, once and for all!’

And with that, the Jims broke out into thunderous applause. Jason smiled, and then grinned. He had forgotten it. The joy, the… the fun that came with being with his numerous siblings. Of course, he was more of a fan of drama and mystery, but the mad, chaotic fun and the way they threw themselves wholeheartedly into everything… it was intoxicating.

‘Wow! How incredibly Jim of you, DJ! I’m sure that demon won’t know what hit it! And now back to you in the studio, Jim.’ 

With that, CJ lowered his camera and slung the strap over his shoulder - no more broadcasts, at least for a little while. They were safe. They were home. RJ smiled broadly at Jason.

‘Is it safe to… be ourselves here?’

���Of course. I set up the wards myself.’

‘That’s very Jim of you, DJ!’ RJ grinned, and then, suddenly, he wasn’t RJ anymore.

Of course, he still looked relatively the same, but the demon standing before Jason was tall, small ram’s horns spiralling up from his mass of wild hair. His nails had elongated, almost become claw-like, and with the rip of fabric two radiant, blue-feathered kingfisher wings burst from his back. 

One by one, the Jims dropped their human disguises, standing about as though they expected the door to be kicked in at any moment. When it wasn’t, they began to laugh, and chat, and become comfortable once again.

CJ, a demon with two wide eyes like camera lenses and wings so fluffy they served as sound mufflers for the interviews, looked at Jason and tilted his head.

Aren’t you going to change? The Interviews always go so much better if they know we’re like them, he signed towards Jason. 

‘Oh… oh! I almost forgot. How silly of me.’

Just like that, Jason pulled off his tinted glasses and changed, easing back into his preferred form.

He was still the same height, to his constant annoyance, but his eyes - always a deep mauve, like his suit - flickered with a bright, changing light. He grew talons, and sharp fangs, his tongue elongating and splitting like a snake’s. He had no wings, and no shadow either. A faint mauve aura flickered to life around him, and Jason relaxed fully. He was free, finally.

‘Jiblings! Gather round!’ called RJ. The demons from all over the house heard, and, almost at once, gathered into a large crowd around RJ. The reporter Jim raised his head, struggling to be heard over the chatter of the family. In frustration, he flapped his wings once and rose onto the island in the middle of Jason’s kitchen, standing proudly, microphone in hand.

‘My family! We are gathered here today not just to meet with DJ and find out about his very Jim life, but we are also here for an Interview!’

Stomps and cheers, calls from the demons so loud and full of vigour that the glasses in Jason’s cupboard rattled and clinked dangerously. RJ raised his hands, quieting the Jims.

‘Now, for the Interview to work and for us to make any demons we find happy and less alone, we need the Jimgredients! Bring out… Mother Jim’s secret Jim pie!’

The crowd parted reverentially as two of the most skilled Cooking Jims walked forward, a steaming pie on a large, white-and-blue ceramic plate (the best that Jason had) held above their heads. They placed it next to RJ, who nodded in thanks.

‘Next! The Ooh-ja board of Hell!’

Once again, a gap in the crowd, and two demon Jims - lucky devils, getting to carry the ouija board - walked up to the island and reverentially placed the board by his feet. Jason had tried time and time again to tell his brothers that it wasn’t pronounced ooh-ja, but they never listened. His admonishments were like water sliding off a duck’s back.

‘And now… bring out… Sarah! The most important part for making our friends feel welcome!’

Another gap in the crowd, but this time, the demons walking through were met with applause and coos from the demon Jims on either side. Carried between the two demons was Sarah - an incredibly furry Collie who always seemed to be grinning a doggy grin. The only indication that she was actually a hellhound was the way her fur seemed to smoke at the edges, or the way her eyes were tar-black. She was still incredibly cute. Jason, as he watched her leap from her handler’s arms and onto the island next to RJ, felt a soft smile being tugged onto his lips. He tried to grit his teeth and force it down, but it was too much. Sarah was just too sweet. With all the Jimgredients prepared, RJ called a list of the Jims who would perform the interview, and thankfully, Jason’s name was on the list. The troupe of demons walked solemnly into his study - the room that was the most free of clutter - and began to set up the ouija board in total silence. Well. Near-total silence - Sarah’s panting and her rhythmic thumping of the floor with her tail brought a small smile to every Jim’s face as they worked. 

Eventually, with the smell of the pie wafting throughout the room, red and white candles lit and the curtains drawn, the Jims all placed their hands on the marker for the board (CJ held Sarah’s paw in place, too). RJ looked over at Jason, his eyes glowing night-vision green in the dark. Jason understood immediately, and smiled. He didn’t acquire the title of Drama Jim for nothing, after all.

‘Jims, we are gathered here today to sit, and talk, and make new and wonderful friends. We all know who we are and what we have done, but our lonely, trapped friends on the other side may not. If you are listening out there! We are not humans, calling on you for a joke! We are demons, just as you are! We are Jimus Demonous, and we are stuck here in the mortal plane just as you are stuck in Hell. I - we - all know what being in Hell is like. It’s miserable, and lonely, and always just too hot for comfort. So, to alleviate your pain, or boredom, or simply if you just want to have a chat - we Jims are here for you. And if that doesn't convince you, we have Mother Jim’s famous pie! Legendary throughout Hell for its outstanding flavour, it is still warm from the oven! We also have Sarah. Say hi, girl!’

Sarah barked. The Jims cooed and patted her, stroking her fur and scratching her chin. Sarah looked immensely pleased with herself. Suddenly, the marker began to move beneath Jason’s finger.

‘It’s happening! We- we’ve found someone!’ RJ stage-whispered. Jason nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the marker. Despite being the only Jim to hold the title of Drama Jim, he had never really done anything… important before. He had been making that speech up on the fly, and luckily, it had worked. The marker began to judder and shake, and then…

‘It’s rising! It’s rising!’ RJ whispered, his green eyes wide with terror. Ah. So that wasn’t a common occurrence for an Interview, then.

‘Keep concentrating!’ Jason hissed. ‘They must be really powerful! They might not even be trapped in the inbetween - they could be contacting us directly from Hell! We might be able to get a message back home!’

With a shudder, the marker ripped itself from beneath the Jims’ fingers, swirling in the air. A cold wind burst from the marker, blowing out the candles and ruffling the curtains. Then, a white light so bright Jason was completely blinded, and a high-pitched ringing in his ears.

When his senses came back to him, Jason blinked and groaned, clutching his head. The room was a mess - papers strewn everywhere, the chairs which he had carefully stacked had been all turned over, and several of the candles had been knocked over and were bleeding wax onto his carpet. Oh, yes. And there was a silhouette standing - no, hovering - on top of the ouija board. Jason swallowed.

‘Friend, we greet you! It is simply wonderful that you’ve decided to meet us and have a-’

‘Jason? CJ? RJ? The Jims… I hadn’t expected to see you doing this summoning. I thought you hated demons?’ came a sonorous, fractured voice. The silhouette flickered into view, and Jason’s mouth went dry.

Blue and red aura. Grey skin. White suit. There was no doubt about it - it was Dark. And now he knew the Jims’ most closely-guarded secret. Oh, Jim.

‘Um… pranked you?’ he said weakly. Dark raised an eyebrow. CJ smacked his head into his hands. This was gonna be one long, long Interview, all right.

-woo just a fun little demon!jims fic!! hope you liked it!!

-clumsy jim

[winterromanov]

look up, the sky is gold / a nick x charlie fic

read on ao3 here

“Your mum’s been texting me.”

Charlie can just about make out Nick’s bemused expression over his shitty student halls wifi connection. “She’s been doing what?”

“I mean,” Charlie shifts his back so he’s positioned more comfortably against the frame of his bed. “She’s texted me before, about birthdays and stuff, but this is different.”

“What has she said?”

Charlie clears his throat, scrolling through his inbox. “Monday, just gone. Good morning Charlie. Sunshine emoji. I hope you have a lovely day. ”

Nick shakes his head, half-smiling. “Go on.”

“Tuesday. Hello Charlie. A picture of the beach. Visited here this morning and thought of you. Thursday. Good luck for your mock maths exam today. Calculator emoji.”

“Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing.” Even the pixelated screen can’t hide Nick’s flushed cheeks. “I swear, I don’t tell her everything about us or you, she just has a way of working things out. I can ask her to stop.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Charlie insists. “It’s nice.”

“I think it’s an empty nest thing - she pretends that she doesn’t mind, but she’s finding it hard, me not being at home anymore. Just don’t be scared if she pulls out the adoption papers.”

Sarah Nelson isn’t the only one, Charlie thinks, an all too familiar ache settling in his stomach. But seeing the way Nick’s eyes twinkle over Facetime when he laughs is better than not having him at all. It came so perilously close to that, their relationship teetering off the edge of a cliff.

He faintly hears someone calling out Nick’s name and the door of his dorm opening, murmurs about a social at the student’s union. “Sorry, Char. I’ve got to go or the others will leave without me.”

“No worries,” he says, “I’ll just message your mum instead.”

Nick bites his lip, shaking his head in resignation. “You know, that joke isn’t nearly as funny when it’s actually true.”

Charlie laughs, letting his gaze settle on his boyfriend for just a moment longer. “Have a good time. I love you.”

Nick’s smile is bright yet bittersweet. God, do straight people experience this intense fucking yearning 24/7, or is it just him? “I love you. Bye.”

When FaceTime closes, Charlie is still looking at Nick, adoring expression frozen in a photobooth picture from years ago.

-

The first time Charlie sees Sarah Nelson independent from Nick is in the park five days before he is due to visit Leeds for the first time.

He finds autumn difficult because he’s not so good with endings, changes. The way the autumn leaves curl and fall from the trees lining the path remind him of Nick, but what doesn’t, these days. There is both excitement and anxiety in his gait. God - he wants to see him, hold him, more than anything else in the world. But there is still that nagging sensation in the back of his skull - that intermittent thought of what if university Nick isn’t the same as high school Nick in, like, a bad way?

“Charlie!”

He blinks, hurtling out of his reverie. His eyes settle on the voice calling his name and he relaxes, shoving his hands in the pocket of his coat. “Hi.”

“You were lost in your own little world.” Sarah smiles, half fighting with Nellie’s lead as she desperately tries to launch herself at Charlie. “Oh my goodness, she’s missed you!”

It doesn’t take a moment for Charlie to fall to his knees, throwing his arms around the energetic collie. Nick’s best friend, other than him, of course. “I’ve missed you too, gorgeous girl.”

“I think she’s a bit lost, without you and Nick around. She’s been stuck with me.”

“I’m sure she’s happy to have you all to herself,” Charlie says, finally standing up. He rubs the patch on Nellie’s head between her ears, thinking of the moments where she’d lie quietly between him and Nick on his bed, perfectly content.

“Hm,” Sarah arches an eyebrow. “She certainly is happy to have seemingly unlimited access to the treat cupboard when I’m at work. She doesn’t have Nick to keep her in line, you see. I’m no good with the discipline.” A pause. “You could walk her, if you like. No commitment of course. You and Nick used to take her on some lovely long routes, and I just don’t have the time, as much as I want to.”

They took her to the beach, once, last summer. Nellie sat beneath their feet on the train and spent the afternoon running between the waves, sand on her nose and salt in her fur.

He swallows hard. “She might not want me to, if Nick’s not there.”

“Oh, don’t be silly!” Sarah reaches out, squeezing him tenderly on the arm. It’s kind of funny, actually, that his own mum never really does that. “She loves the both of you.”

Sarah’s warm expression makes him smile, makes him think that she’s probably not lying. “Yeah, okay. I’d like that.”

“Excellent!” Sarah tugs on Nellie’s lead. “Just text me when you are free and we can sort something out.”

“Great. Thanks.” Charlie nods in the opposite direction of the park. “I’ll…see you?”

“Absolutely. See you later, my darling.”

There is slightly less anxiety in his gait on his way out.

-

charlie_spr1 posted a story: long walks with miss nellie [dog emoji]

nick_nzzzz replied: First you steal my mum, now you’re stealing my dog??!!!

charlie_spr1 replied: your dog? im sorry she is quite clearly my dog now

nick_nzzzz replied: [crying emojis] Honestly, I’m away from home for less than a month and you are already replacing me

charlie_spr1 replied: its okay, i promise not to steal ur boyfriend as well

nick_nzzzz replied: You better not

He is coming to visit in two days time

Might be quite awkward otherwise

[heart emojis]

charlie_spr1 replied: can he bring your mum along as well?

nick_nzzzz replied: OH MY GOD SHUT UP

charlie_spr1 replied: i see no problems with this arrangement ??

nick_nzzzz replied: If you mention my mum one more time I’m blocking you

Deadly serious

charlie_spr1 replied: i’m deadly serious

nick_nzzzz replied: I swear to god Charlie, kissing you was quite high on my list of priorities this weekend, but I think I might have to murder you instead.

Love you. Unfortunately.

charlie_spr1 replied: [heart emojis]

-

When he sees Nick standing on the platform at Leeds train station, he feels more stupid than anything else. Stupid because he accidentally got on the wrong train and made a detour to Oxford, but mainly stupid because his mind has been his enemy for no fucking reason, what a surprise.

Nick’s smile is golden like daylight, when his eyes finally catch his. He is holding a bouquet of red carnations. And he is pushing through throngs of anonymous commuters in a frantic attempt to close the distance between them, to hold him long enough to make up for the time they’ve been apart.

When they kiss, his mouth tastes like it always has, like peppermint and violets and seasalt.

“Hi,” Charlie says breathlessly, their dumb mantra.

“Hi,” Nick replies, grinning. He thrusts the bouquet into his grip. “I got you these. I don’t really know why, it just felt like the right thing to do, you know?”

Charlie smiles, admiring the blazing scarlets, the impressive crimsons. “They’re beautiful. Your mum will be so proud.”

Nick’s laugh is loud and unabashed. He tosses his head back and the way his hair moves with him reminds Charlie of the tide, ebbing and flowing. “I’m not going to hear the end of this, am I?”

“Not if I have anything to do with it,” Charlie smirks, perching on his tiptoes to kiss him again. “She wants a photo of us, by the way. I think she might be getting into scrapbooking.”

“Well, at least I know what to get her for her birthday now,” Nick jokes. He reaches out to grab Charlie’s hand and it feels so much like home, the way his fingers effortlessly intertwine with his own, a boat finally meeting the shore after years at sea.

(Okay, it’s been like, three weeks, but he loves a wistful metaphor).

“If we send her a photo,” Nick says as they weave through the crowd, “Can you promise not to make another your mum joke for the rest of the time you’re here?”

“Ah, but are they jokes if they’re true?”

“Charlie Spring,” Nick responds, aghast, “You are…something else.”

He squeezes Nick’s hand tighter, curves closer into his side.

-

Charlie Spring: [photo] a photo of me and nick at victoria quarter :)

Sarah Nelson: Thank you, you both look so handsome! Have a lovely time and make sure Nick looks after you!

Charlie Spring: will do. enjoy the rest of your weekend!

-

Nick presses a kiss on the window with his hand as the train departs back to Kent.

Charlie doesn’t cry, mostly because he doesn’t want to make it awkward for the other passengers. The sob sits waiting in his throat for over four hours and almost 300 miles, saving it for a moment when there are no eyes watching him.

His phone buzzes and he assumes it’s Nick, but it isn’t.

Sarah Nelson: Chin up, Charlie [sunshine emoji]

He doesn’t reply, but he does wonder what used to occupy his heart before he met the Nelson family.

-

The walks with Nellie become a regular thing. Every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday afternoon he arrives at Nick and Sarah’s front door, his pockets full of treats from the gourmet pet food shop on the high street. He rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet until Sarah answers, usually preceded by an excitable Nellie.

This time, only Sarah answers. “Hello, Charlie! Oh my goodness - I completely forgot. Nellie has gone to the groomer this morning. Sorry, sweetheart, I should have texted you.”

Charlie smiles. “That’s okay, no worries.”

“You can come in, if you like?” Sarah opens the door out further, revealing a hallway he is all too familiar with. “I’ll stick the kettle on.”

Charlie tries to protest. “Oh, no -- I wouldn’t want to be in your way.”

“You wouldn’t, I promise.” Sarah smiles that same warm smile. “Earl Grey okay? Or would you prefer a coffee? I know Nick said you were getting into espresso.”

Charlie gives in, because who wouldn’t? He edges into the house, wiping his feet on the mat. “Tea is fine, thank you.”

“Perfect,” Sarah closes the door behind him. “Go and make yourself comfortable in the living room, I won’t be a moment.”

The house looks the same as it always does, same paint on the walls and same rug lining the floor. Sarah has changed the photographs on the wall opposite the stairs. Charlie runs his thumb across the one in the centre, the one of him and Nick in Leeds, under the purple hues of Victoria Quarter. If he closes his eyes he’s still there, still in the tiny dorm room with the twin bed and broken window, feeling Nick’s cold hands across his torso and his laugh in his ear at three o’clock in the morning.

One week. One week until he’s home again.

In the living room, there is coloured card and sellotape and bright patterned stickers scattered across the coffee table, alongside folders of photographs taken on an old film camera.

“I’m getting into scrapbooking,” Sarah says, handing Charlie a mug with a gold N emblazoned on the front. “I’ve been meaning to do it for ages.”

Charlie nods, and Sarah urges him to sit on the couch.

“You’ll have to take a look at these,” Sarah hands him a wallet. “Just don’t tell Nicky, though.”

As he leaf through the stack of photographs he sees snapshots of Nick’s entire childhood, from chubby baby with wispy blonde hair to a smiling boy in a Bob the Builder shirt, wearing a yellow hard hat and brandishing a plastic drill.

“He wanted to be a builder for such a long time,” Sarah says, “No idea where that came from. Then he wanted to be a singer.”

“A singer?” Charlie asks sceptically, because Nick’s musical abilities…left a lot to be desired, to put it mildly.

“Oh, yes. He used to sing a lot when he was little. I have a video of him yelling along to Piano Man in the car, somewhere, before his dad -- well.” Sarah’s smile is a little sad, a little nostalgic. “Then he wanted to be a rugby player. I’m not so sure now.”

Charlie’s eyes settle on the little boy with the hard hat and the plastic drill for a moment longer, before carefully tucking the photo away. He’s always felt weird, seeing photographs of people he knows in the days and years before he met them. He just wants to say don’t worry, it will be okay.

It would have been nice if someone had said that to him, just once.

“I’ve only ever wanted Nicky to be happy,” Sarah says decidedly, putting her hand gently on top of his. “And I think he is. I think he is.”

Charlie smiles. He thinks about how Nick’s new university friends all took turns to buy him a drink so he didn’t get IDed at the bar, welcomed him like it was a given, not a possible. How there were no snide comments when they held hands under the table or kissed in the street, how he’d never seen Nick so relaxed and at ease with himself and his identity.

Yeah, he thinks he is, too.

-

That night, he opens an encyclopaedia stacked at the top his bookshelf. Between the pages are a bouquet of red carnations, give or take a couple of blooms, pressed and preserved in an attempt to cling onto them forever.

He’s not into scrapbooking, but that does not mean he isn’t sentimental.

-

“My mum has started tagging you in Facebook posts,” Nick murmurs into his neck, Nellie laid between them. “I’m glad you liked that story about that rehabilitated abandoned badger as much as she did.”

Charlie chuckles. “She saw a badger in your garden the other day. That’s probably why.”

“You see, she doesn’t share this breaking front-page news with me anymore. I want to hear about the badgers too.”

“I’ll set up a badger alert.” Charlie turns so he’s facing Nick, watches how his eyes dart to his lips. “24/7 updates on the local badger population.”

“It’s the bare minimum you could do,” Nick laughs. “It’s not like you do a lot else.”

Charlie swats him round the head and he pretends to look affronted for about half a second before ducking in for a kiss, slow and tired and Sunday afternoon.

-

charlie_spr1 posted a story: [badger emojis] @ nick_nzzzz

nick_nzzzz replied: Was this taken in my back garden? Do you just live in my house at this point???

charlie_spr1 replied: i am in your walls :)

-

“So you’re telling me,” Tao begins, pausing for dramatic effect. Elle is eating a strawberry lace from the paper bag in his hands. “You are ditching one of our legendary film nights, featuring Miss Elle Argent on loan from Central Saint Martins for one night only, to go hang out with your boyfriend’s mum?”

Charlie laughs between a mouthful of marshmallows. “I already said I would, okay? I would feel bad if I said I couldn’t go anymore!”

“No offence, Charlie, but that is next level tragic.” Tao shakes his head. “I have the new Wes Anderson with the director’s commentary. Do you know how hard it’s been to get a hold of it?”

Elle rolls her eyes jokingly at Charlie when Tao isn’t looking. “God, how on Earth will Charlie cope?”

“I know,” Tao murmurs, eyes narrowed. “What are you even doing?”

“Baking, I think.” Charlie swallows another marshmallow. “Nick did well in his mid-term exams, so she wants to make him a cake for when he’s back on Friday.”

Tao gives him a disgusted look. “That is literally the most nauseating thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Well,” Elle tugs at another strawberry lace. “I think it’s sweet.”

“No, no, no!” Tao waves his hands around dramatically. “Do not go getting any ideas. You are not baking cakes with my mother, Elle. I will die before you start baking cakes with my mother.”

“Oh! Cool,” Elle says, deadpan. “We can make a super nice one for your wake, then.”

Charlie rests his chin on his palm as he watches the two of them argue, warmth settling in his chest. Like daylight.

-

nick_nzzzz posted: What happens when your boyfriend and your mother make you a celebratory cake. [photo]

charlie_spr1 commented: it’s called abstract art [painting emoji]

nick_nzzzz commented: It’s called leave the baking to your super talented bf next time :)

-

His relationship with his own mother is strained at the best of times, even more so since Tori left for university. It’s some catty argument about nothing at all that leads Charlie to Sarah’s door in the middle of November, when the sky gets dark at five pm and his thoughts get darker too.

In the moments between knocking on the door and Sarah opening it he starts to think this is a stupid idea, that he’s bothering her, that he’s stupid and worthless and that his mum is always right, right about everything. No-one will like you if you’re like this, he hears in his head. Even Nick will get bored of your attitude one day.

He almost leaves, but then Sarah pulls him into her chest, hugs him like he’s just as much her son as Nick is. “Oh, Charlie. It’s okay, I promise. I promise.”

“I’m sorry,” he sobs, “I don’t know why -- I don’t know why I’m like this.”

“Well,” Sarah leans back, combs a strand of dark hair away from his wet eyes. “I like you just the way you are.”

-

He wakes at 3am with Nick’s strong arm wrapped around his middle, pulling him close. His hands are cold and so are his feet, like he’s just come in from outside.

“You’re here,” Charlie whispers hoarsely. Nick’s here.

“My mum called me, so I got the next Megabus home.” Nick said quietly. He shivers, curling in closer. “I was sat next to a man who had his toes out like, the whole journey.”

Charlie can’t help but laugh, and he supposes that’s Nick’s intention. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought we’d done the whole no more apologies thing ages ago.” Nick places a kiss on the back of his head between his curls. “I wanted to be here. When you are in pain, I’ll always want to be with you. As long as you’re okay with that.”

They lie in silence for a moment or two. Then - “I wish I could stay here forever.”

“No you don’t,” Nick replies, “Because you’d miss your dad and you’d miss Tori, and you would even miss your mum, I think. Plus, my mum will end up forcing you to listen to Billy Joel albums, and it would be morally wrong for me to subject you to that.”

He thinks of the happy little boy in the hard hat with the plastic drill, singing along to Piano Man in the car before his dad left and he didn’t sing anymore.

“Let’s act like the next few hours are forever, then.” Charlie compromises. “A little bit of forever.”

“A little bit of forever,” Nick echoes. “Okay.”

-

In the morning, Nick nips out early to get a pint of milk from the newsagents and Sarah has left for work. There’s an envelope with Charlie’s name in the hallway, sat neatly on the table next to an old school photo of Nick and a bouquet of sunflowers.

His fingers gingerly reach out, tug open the flap.

It’s a house key.

[oskarwing]

I really wanna talk about the parent child relationships in Midnight Mass

I’m not sure if I’m good at writing this sorta Meta but here goes nothing. Very many spoilers follow.

Let’s start with the adults: 

First we have Erin who suffered so much at the hands of her mother and later because of her mother’s abuse. We don’t get much detailed info on Peggy Greene but from what we can gather she was a lot like Beverly Keane, who seemed to idolize her (though that probably got easier for her after Peggy was gone), in her self-righteous over-pious manner. She just happened to be Beverly with an alcohol problem and a daughter who she could take all her anger at life for not working out her way for God loving her just the same as everybody else out. The dove scene is really such a good scene. But Erin was stronger than her mother, stronger than the abuse that was about to repeat itself and when she found out that she would have a child of her own she left and tried her best to give her kid a better life than the one she had. And she found the strength I think with the help of the same God her mother most likely used as legitimation for her abuse (don’t get me wrong I believe it was Erin’s own strength but she also clearly found something in religion that helped her gather it) and it helped her to carve out a path for herself and her unborn child.  

Sarah’s relationship to her parents is such an interesting one because we get to see the end of it. The man who she believed to be her father has been dead for a long while and her mother is suffering through the late stages of dementia. And Sarah showed up for it. As a doctor she most likely knew what would be happening as soon as Mildred started to show the first symptombs but she wasn’t going to leave her mother. That kind of care for an elderly parent shows something that is proven in Mildred’s character time and time again: She is a very devoted parent and the love between mother and daughter flows both ways in every scene they are in together, after the birth of her daughter her world turned around Sarah and she loved her with all she had. There are a few scenes that show that Mildred’s understanding of the duty she felt towards her family came from the old values of her time. She wouldn’t have taken off with John and their child not for a lack of love but because in those times, in catholism still at least where I’m from, you can’t just marry a priest. You can’t just have a child with a priest eventhough you’re married and then fuck off with him. As a woman, as a wife and mother you have to stand with your husband, stand with your child and you have to stop running after fantasies I’m sure Mildred had. I’m saying this all from her perspective btw, I don’t necessarily think running away with John, in the way he wished to, would have been good for Sarah but honesty might have been and her old fashioned values were also what kept her from being truly honest with her daughter.  To John on the other hand Sarah is a fantasy, a dream he couldn’t reach. His daughter, his baby, so close and yet so far away getting to watch her grow into an adult but never being able to really be her father as in her Dad instead of her priest. And it’s painful to him, he clearly loved Mildred, loved Sarah but he was also kinda selfish in his love that in the end took Sarah away. At first he isolated his child by starring at her giving her the creeps and the feeling that she had done something wrong that he knew she was gay and dissaproved and then he took it upon himself to ‘cure’ Mildred in the same way he was. Sarah wanted to take care of her mother wanted to be there for her in those final months and John decided it was up to him to give Mildred a youth potion to make it so she’d never die. And with that he took away from Sarah what is without doubt a hard but for many people a very important last part of the relationship between child and parent. John was a complicated man and would maybe have been a great Dad he certainly showed a lot of fatherly love for his altar boys but he couldn’t have the family in the way he fantasized about and in the end it was that fantasy that made him act the way he did.   

Riley Flynn causes his parents a lot of pain. Him killing that girl in the beginning, his alcoholism, him simply not liking the place, the home they build for themselves through hard work causes the Annie and Ed so much pain and financial loss and you can see how tired they are, how much guilt they feel for failing their son. Ed calls out his own guilt and says that he doesn’t belive it could be Annie’s fault because ‘your mother’s a saint’ but what I truly love about Annie and Ed Flynn is that they both aren’t saints. As a mother Annie is very much overprotective and suffocating, wanting to keep her children on crocket island and hating the notion that they might leave her, even though she is kind and sweet and loving. And while Ed seems rather checked out as a father but he is the more honest parent, never talking down to Riley and telling him as it is, telling him about the pain he caused him while also admitting to the guilt he feels. The Flynns are flawed people even in their religious practice (I think the way Annie speaks about Ali showing up at church when Hassan seemed to be nothing but nice to her spoke very loudly to the fact that Annie is rather misguided sometimes) but they are good people at the core of it and their parenting might have been part of Riley’s way into alcoholism but it wasn’t only them. There were things they couldn’t change and things they had no influence over like his heart being broken by Erin running away, the sort of people he went out on parties with and so many other things...  Yes, they may have shaped their son in a way that made him vulnerable to addiction and the party scene of the stock and tech market and brought him to the point where he killed a child but it doesn’t happen through parenting alone and they also shaped him in the good ways. Him not losing himself when Pruitt changes him, him being brave enough to warn Erin, him standing up for what he believes in those things were also shaped by Ed and Annie. They are one of the best example of flawed but good hearted Christians I have seen in recent media and their portrayal was one of the most heartbreaking ones. 

Now the kids: 

Let’s start with Leeza. Little Leeza Scarborough who before it comes to her wonder gets treated with pity and overprotectiveness from her parents and the island community at large. Leeza was injured by Joe Collie transforming him into the island’s villain and her into the ever present victim.  What happened to her is without a doubt horrible and I understand why Wade and Dolly started to become these overprotective parents, why they were so easily sucked in to John’s and Bev’s scheme. Their little girl was almost taken from them eventhough Wade is the mayor, one of the most powerful people on the island he had no influence over what happened to Leeza even was the one who took her out that day and what followed the accident was as we can gather from their conversation with Sarah a lot of pain and financial burden though they say they would have done it all over for Leeza. In fact a lot of places in crockett island are wheelchair accesible and I am sure that Wade as mayor made it so (I can’t really imagine that a small place like the island was very inclusive though I may be wrong).  After Leeza is healed they don’t want to question in don’t want to think about what might have been the cause for it. In fact they stop questioning anything after that point, after Leeza walks again they are completely vulnerable to Bev’s manipulation and them letting that happen, them just going along with everything, Wade protecting John after he kills Joe long after Leeza forgave him and with her forgiveness send Joe on a better path is what in the end makes them lose her. Because Leeza isn’t that little victim who needs pity and help, she is a strong minded, strong willed young woman with a lot of wit who similar to Erin finds strength in her faith but in a way that isn’t devotion without question and when the Easter vigil is held she doesn’t follow her parents eventhough she loves them deeply. She forgives them I think, because that’s what Leeza’s character is about in it’s core but her parents were two of the instigators behind what happened on the island, without Wade’s protection John and Bev couldn’t have come as far as they did and they put their trust in them because they loved their daughter so much they didn’t stop to question if maybe what made Leeza walk again was also a bad thing. 

Ali and Hassan don’t have it easy and I as a white person really can’t speak much on the racism and religious discrimination they face.  I can say this I think: The first line spoken about Ali before we even really get to look at him is “You didn’t invite Aladin” and already sets us up for what both of them know: They are the outsiders. Not only because they just moved to the island but also because in their faith they are different from their peers and religion can often be a community building event for people before it is anything else. Ali starts balming his father a little for that, for not trying to fit in more with the community, for moving after his mother’s death and then not trying to be closer to the people around them and for the pain all the pain the two of them went through before Crockett island. It isn’t oly peer pressure though of course that brings Ali to St Patrick’s. Sure, Ali wanted to be part of the community but also desperately wanted to believe that there was a devine power who could if he just did it (it meaning faith) the right way he might find a way to avoid the pain of his parents. Hassan knew that and he warned him that that wasn’t how it worked. Hassan was a protective Dad and maybe he overdid it from time to time but his worries were never without reason, his need to keep his son safe from a world that hated him for a crime that happened when he wasn’t even born yet never unfounded and him wanting to make sure his kid kept the memory of his mother alive never anything but the wish of a griefing man and loving father. In the end when they pray together there is peace in them. They face their ends with the dignity Ali’s mother would have wished for and they face it as father and son. While Beverly the true religious terrorist of the story burns away without it. 

Warren is the youngest Flynn and it is never directly stated yet omnipresent that his coming of age happens in the shadow of his older brother’s mistake.  Annie warns him away from drinking when he goes out he in fact doesn’t drink. He never drinks because of what his brother did.  Warren would have been 12 when Riley killed that girl and so he would have seen and felt what his brother’s actions did to his parents fully without being yet old enough to maybe see the nuance.  Annie and Ed probably try to right the wrong they believe to have done in parenting Riley with Warren and that’s a lot for a kid. I do think it’s pretty usual that parents of multiple children especially when there’s a larger age gap try to do better with the younger children, but that isn’t fair is it?  Warren is his own person not a second chance to do it over.  And yet seemingly he does what is asked of him. He’s alter boy, he’s charming and helpful and sweet, he doesn’t drink (even when he does smoke pot) and he helps his father where he can with his work.  But in the end he feels guilty because he thinks he wasn’t enough and says at that last dinner he would have been different if he had known he wouldn’t see his family again. But Leeza is right they know and they love him and Warren deserved to not be perfect all the time. 

Littlefoot saved Erin and Erin payed her back with all the love she had. She was never born but she gave her mother the strength and willpower to leave.  In her speech to Joe Leeza said he reached through time and took things from her she didn’t even know she had yet.When Erin left her husband she reached through time and saved Littlefoot from a childhood like hers and when John gave Erin the angel’s vampire’s blood he reached through time and took away her child, a child who would have been loved and cared for. A child with an amazing mother and probably a great step-dad.  Littlefoot’s story is tragic because she never got one. 

[aion-rsa]

Midnight Mass Cast: Previous Credits From Hill House to Bly Manor, Legion & Sherlock

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If you find yourself thinking ‘where have I seen that guy before?’ while watching a Mike Flanagan show or film, the answer may well be ‘in another Mike Flanagan show or film’. The horror writer-director is known for his rep company of actors, many of whom appear in multiple roles across various projects. Below is a spoiler-free rundown of the main players in the Flanagan gang’s new Netflix horror series Midnight Mass, about the ripples caused by the arrival of a mysterious priest in a remote North American island community. There’s also info on who they played in past collaborations, and a few other places you may have encountered them on screen. A good handful will additionally be seen in Flanagan’s next series The Midnight Club, on which filming is already complete, and which will be coming to Netflix next year. But first though, welcome to Crockett Island. Be not afraid…

Hamish Linklater – Father Paul

A newcomer to the Mike Flanagan acting family, Hamish Linklater is now fully ensconced so expect to see much more of him in future and rejoice, because he’s the absolute stand-out in Midnight Mass. Commanding, charismatic, intense, and utterly committed, this is a big performance that’ll be hard to forget. Previous to Father Paul, Linklater played Division 3 Agent Clark Debussy in trippy comic book series Legion, and IRS agent Larue Dollard in Fargo season three, both for Noah Hawley. Prior to that were recurring roles in sitcoms The Crazy Ones and The New Adventures of Old Christine, with Robin Williams and Julia Louis Dreyfus respectively, plus recent Amazon crime thriller Tell Me Your Secrets, with his partner Lily Rabe. Honestly though, Father Paul is the only role anybody’s going to be talking about for a good while yet.

Samantha Sloyan as Bev Keane

The villainous Bev Keane is another stand-out performance in Midnight Mass thanks to Samantha Sloyan, whom you might remember as Leigh Crain, the wife of novelist Steven Crain in 2019’s The Haunting of Hill House. Prior to that, she played Maddie’s neighbour Sarah in Mike Flanagan’s Hush, as well as the recurring roles of Jeannine Locke in Scandal, Dr. Penelope Blake in Grey’s Anatomy, and several appearances as Victoria in SEAL Team. Look out for her among the cast of Flanagan’s next Netflix series, The Midnight Club, which is already in post-production.

Kate Siegel as Erin Greene

Where would a Mike Flanagan project be without regular collaborator (and wife) writer-actor Kate Siegel? We barely have to know because Siegel is a bedrock of the Flanagan collective. In addition to the role of schoolteacher and former runaway Erin Greene in Midnight Mass, she played glove-wearing empath Theodora Craine in The Haunting of Hill House, 17th century Viola (who became the Lady in the Lake) in The Haunting of Bly Manor, Sally in Gerald’s Game, Jenny in Ouija: Origin of Evil, Maddie in Hush (which Siegel co-wrote) and Marisol in Oculus. Siegel wasn’t in Doctor Sleep, possibly because she and Flanagan welcomed their daughter Theodora to the world almost exactly to the day filming wrapped on The Shining sequel.

Zach Gilford as Riley Flynn

In Midnight Mass, Zach Gilford plays Riley Flynn, whose return to his Crockett Island family home coincides with the arrival of the mysterious new priest Father Paul. Gilford’s known to many as sensitive young quarterback Matt Saracen in Friday Night Lights, but he’s appeared in plenty since, recently including Greg in NBC’s Good Girls, Ben in LA’s Finest, a central role in The Purge: Anarchy and recurring parts in ABC series The Family and Off the Map. He’s also going to be back for Mike Flanagan’s next Netflix project The Midnight Club.

Annabeth Gish as Dr Sarah Gunning

Sarah Gunning is Crockett Island’s resident doctor who’s caring for her dementia-suffering elderly mother. She’s played by Annabeth Gish, who you’ll have seen in… well, loads of stuff, including The Haunting of Hill House in which she played housekeeper Mrs Dudley. Gish also played Jed Bartlet’s eldest daughter in The West Wing, Lt. Jarry in Sons of Anarchy season seven, the therapist in Pretty Little Liars, venture capitalist Diane Gould in season three of Halt and Catch Fire, and FBI agent Reyes in The X-Files revived seasons.

Read more

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Midnight Mass: Cast and Details for Netflix Series from Haunting of Hill House Team

By Joseph Baxter

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By John Saavedra

Rahul Kohli as Sheriff Hassan

British actor Rahul Kohli plays Crockett Island lawman Sheriff Hassan, following up his role as the internet’s boyfriend, chef Owen in The Haunting of Bly Manor in 2020. Prior to that, Kohli was best known for playing Ravi Chakrabarti on iZombie, popping up in a couple of episodes of Supergirl and recently voicing The Scarecrow on animated series Harley Quinn. He’ll soon be heard as the voice of Egill in Zack Snyder’s Norse mythology-inspired anime Twilight of the Gods.

Kristin Lehman and Henry Thomas as Annie and Ed Flynn

Here’s a fun fact: Kristin Lehman and Henry Thomas, who play Riley Flynn’s parents in Midnight Mass, are only 10 years older than actor Zach Gilford in real life. Another fun, but extremely well-known fact is that Henry Thomas, who played Hugh Crain in The Haunting of Hill House and Henry Wingrave in The Haunting of Bly Manor, started out as young Elliott in E.T. Thomas is a regular Flanagan collaborator and has also popped up in Doctor Sleep, Gerald’s Game, Ouija: Origin of Evil to name but a few. He recently had recurring roles on Stargirl and Better Things. Canadian actor Lehman has a similarly full back catalogue, featuring a great many TV and film roles from The Outer Limits to Altered Carbon and The Killing, as well as several TV directing credits.

Robert Longstreet as Joe Collie

Crockett Island’s town drunk Joe Collie is played by Robert Longstreet, who appeared opposite Annabeth Gish (see above) as caretaker Mr Dudley in The Haunting of Hill House, and in the Mike Flanagan-directed Doctor Sleep. You can also see him in horror sequel Halloween Kills and as Professor James in Aquaman, and he’s part of the cast of Mike Flanagan’s forthcoming Netflix horror series The Midnight Club.

Michael Trucco & Annarah Cymone as Wade and Leeza

Michael Trucco and Crystal Balint (not pictured) play Wade and Dolly Scarborough, parents of Leeza (above), Crockett Island’s sole devout teenager played by Annarah Cymone. Trucco will still be best recognised around these parts as Samuel Anders in Battlestar Galactica, but he’s done plenty more, including recurring roles in One Tree Hill, How I Met Your Mother and Netflix stoner comedy Disjointed. Balint has a similarly full back catalogue, with roles in Prison Break, The Bletchley Circle: San Francisco and recently Riverdale. She’ll be seen again in The Midnight Club too, along with Cymone, the actor who plays her daughter in Midnight Mass, whose TV debut this marks.

Louis Oliver, Igby Rigney and Rahul Abburi as Ooker, Warren and Ali

It’s unlikely you’ll recognise Louis Oliver, who plays teenage altar boy Ooker on Midnight Mass, from his first screen role as he’s grown up since then, but he was the young Sherlock Holmes in BBC episode ‘His Last Vow‘ (and also happens to be the son of Sherlock co-creator Steven Moffat and producer Sue Vertue). Igby Rigney, who plays Riley’s younger brother Warren, played the young Jesse in the recent film F9: The Fast Saga and will also be appearing in The Midnight Club. Sheriff’s son Ali is Rahul Abburi’s second TV role after appearing on YouTube Red series Good Game.

Matt Biedel as Sturge

Crockett Island resident and Bev Keane’s right-hand man Sturge is played by Matt Biedel (a little unrecognisable under a full and healthy beard), who’ll also star in The Midnight Club next year. Biedel is probably best known for playing Daryl in Narcos: Mexico, Sgt. Dale Chedder in The Umbrella Academy and Dimi in Altered Carbon.

Alex Essoe

Another Mike Flanagan rep company member, popular horror movie regular Alex Essoe played Charlotte Wingrave, mother to Flora and Miles in The Haunting of Bly Manor, and the Flapper ghost in The Haunting of Hill House, as well as playing Wendy Torrance in Doctor Sleep, a role made famous by Shelley Duvall in The Shining.

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Midnight Mass comes to Netflix on Friday the 24th of September.

The post Midnight Mass Cast: Previous Credits From Hill House to Bly Manor, Legion & Sherlock appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[merzbow]

Who are some of your fav non-white musicians? They are incredibly underrepresented and I really want to listen to and support more of them

oh my god, where to start? there’s so many and it’s all like, varying across a bunch of genres and some aren’t the most accessible but i’ll name the ones off the top of my head, some with description so you can decide who to listen to from what you think you might like.

The Mars Volta — progressive rock. one of my favorite bands of all time. almost everyone that played in TMV was/is non-white (and they had a lot). TMV was the Omar and Cedric show, but there would be no TMV without founding members Jon Theodore (one of my favorite drummers of all time) and the late Ikey Owens (who was their pianist). listen to De-loused in the Comatorium (2003) from beginning to end, and if you end up liking TMV, then work your way through their discography. it’s worth it.

At the Drive-In — post-hardcore, progressive. Omar and Cedric’s previous band. the most influential, and arguably the most important post-hardcore band of all time. every one except Jim Ward and his replacement is non-white. start with their third studio album Relationship of Command (2000), and if you have never heard their song One Armed Scissor, you absolutely have to.

Omar Rodríguez-López — progressive rock, indie pop, almost every genre under the sun. one of my favorite guitarists of all time. it’s impossible to condense his 49 album discography (and those are just solo albums) into a blurb so i’m not gonna try. afro Puerto-Rican. multi-instrumentalist (guitar, bass, to name a couple), producer, composer, songwriter, director. it’s easier to list the things Omar isn’t and hasn’t done.

Dance Gavin Dance — post-hardcore, progressive. DGD has a long, complicated history, but almost every album they have ever released is solid. their guitarist, founder, and honest-to-god visionary Will Swan is one of my favorite guitarists of all time. Will is black and latino (specifically half Mexican). i’ve been a fan since 2010. the best albums to start with are probably the last two latest releases which are Artificial Selection (2018) and Mothership (2016), but my personal favorite albums are Dance Gavin Dance (self-titled, 2008), Happiness (2009), and Acceptance Speech (2013)

the rest of the recommendations are under this read more bc this is long.

Hail the Sun — post-hardcore, progressive. Donovan Melero is one of my favorite drummers of all time, he’s also the front man/vocalist of HTS. He’s Latinx, specifically Mexican-American. Guitarist Aric Garcia is also Latinx. my favorite HTS album is Wake (2014), but their latest album Mental Knife (2018) is a good place to start. 

Sianvar — progressive rock/post-hardcore. super group consisting of the previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), and Sergio Medina (Stolas). they recently went on a indefinite hiatus/disbanded this year. they have one self titled EP released in 2014, and a studio album called Stay Lost (2016).

Secret Band — post-hardcore, progressive, on the heavy side. side-project/side-group of Will and the other DGD members, basically DGD without the clean vocals/singing.

Royal Coda — post-hardcore, progressive. super-group consisting of the (again) previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), Sergio Medina (Stolas, Sianvar) and ex-Dance Gavin Dance singer Kurt Travis. definitely listen to Compassion (2019).

Frank Ocean — indie pop. probably the most popular artist i’ve mentioned, besides Earl, or DG, or Denzel. also probably my favorite singer of all time, also probably my favorite bisexual of all time. listen to Blond (2016).

Mitski —indie pop. Mitski is bisexual, Japanese-American woman. her music honestly means a lot to me, all the topics are so personally relatable as another bi asian girl. Puberty 2 (2016) is my favorite Mitski album.

Japanese Breakfast —indie pop. Michelle is a bisexual, Korean-American woman. listen to Psychopomp (2016).

FKA twigs—indie pop.Twigs is incredibly talented, if you like musicians like Kate Bush then she’s perfect for you; she makes incredible music and I couldn’t recommend MAGDALENE (2019) enough.

JPEGMAFIA — experimental rap. Peggy’s latest album All My Heroes Are Cornballs (2019) was released just recently (september 13!), while that’s a good album to start with i recommend starting with his second studio album Veteran (2018). favorite songs from Veteran to name a few are: Baby I’m Bleeding, I Cannot Fucking Wait Until Morrissey Dies, 1539 N. Calvert, and Rock N Roll is Dead.

Denzel Curry — experimental rap. start with Ta13oo/Taboo (2018), or ZUU (2019)

Danny Brown — experimental rap. start with either Atrocity Exhibition (2016) or XXX (2012), either way, you can’t go wrong.

Earl Sweatshirt — experimental rap. honestly, pick any of his three studio albums to listen to and you’re set, but Doris (2013) is probably the most accessible/easiest album to start with.

Death Grips — experimental rap. y’all already probably know who DG are and who Ride is, so i don’t have to introduce them/him. recommended: Exmilitary (2011), No Love Deep Web (2012), and The Money Store (2012).

Kero Kero Bonito — indie pop. Sarah Midori Perry, also known as Sarah Bonito, is British-Japanese. listen to Bonito Generation (2015)

Covet — math rock, instrumental. their front woman/guitarist, Yvette Young, is Chinese-American.

Stolas — post-hardcore, progressive. disbanded in 2018, still worth listening to. this is Sergio Medina’s original band, again if you ended up liking ATDI, or TMV, or DGD, you will absolutely love Stolas. Sergio is latino (specifically Mexican and Argentine), i absolutely love his guitar playing, he’s honestly so underrated.

honorable mentions, not necessarily my favorites but i do like and listen to these bands/artists/musicians.

Animals As Leaders — progressive metal, instrumental. there’s nothing about Tosin Abasi’s guitar playing i can say that thousand of others haven’t said before, he’s beyond amazing. Tosin is Nigerian-American, and AAL’s second guitarist Javier Reyes is latino. If you like heavy virtuoso/technical music like maybe, Dream Theater, then AAL is perfect for you.

Nova Charisma — progressive rock. this is Donovan and Sergio’s current side project, Nova Charisma is officially just a duo but their drummer is ex-Stolas drummer Carlo Marquez (who is close friends with both Donovan and Sergio). Nova Charisma is boneless TMV, and i mean that in a very good way (both Donovan and Sergio are heavily influenced by TMV and ATDI). that might change with future releases though, since they only have a three song EP out as of right now.

Periphery — progressive metal. guitarist and founder Misha Mansoor is insanely fucking talented. Misha is Indian-Mauritian.

Chon — progressive rock, instrumental. Mario Camarena, Nathan Camarena, and Esiah Camarena are all Mexican-American.

Polyphia — progressive rock, instrumental. Tim Henson, their guitarist, is half Chinese.

Trivium — early stuff is metalcore, current stuff is metalcore and thrash metal influenced american heavy metal Matt Heafy is Japanese-American, and does a mean James Hetfield impression if you’re into that.

popular/mainstream bands that have members of color and/or musicians of color that i also enjoy/love that you probably already know of:

Metallica (Metal/Thrash Metal. this one’s pretty obvious, since this is a Metallica blog… anyway, Kirk is Filipino (like me), and Rob is Mexican-American/latino.)

The Smashing Pumpkins (Rock. their guitarist, James Iha, is Japanese-American. you have to listen to Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.)

Jimi Hendrix (Rock. Jimi is black, and the greatest guitarist of all time, duh, i don’t have to explain this one.)

John Coltrane (Jazz. the jazz GOAT. listen to A Love Supreme.)

Miles Davis (Jazz. Miles is the GOAT beside Coltrane, if you’ve never listened to Bitches Brew you absolutely have to.)

Rage Against The Machine (Rap metal. Tom Morello is black and Zach de la Rocha is latino.)

Deftones (Rock. Almost all of the band members are latino, with the exception of their first bassist who was Asian and a couple of others.)

Jane’s Addiction (Hard rock. Dave Navarro is latino.)

Soundgarden (Grunge. Kim Thayil is Indian.)

Alice In Chains (Grunge. William DuVall is black and Mike Inez is Filipino.)

My Chemical Romance (Pop-punk. Ray Toro is latino.)

Fall Out Boy (Pop-punk. Pete Wentz is black.)

Playboi Carti (Rap. Carti’s black. please listen to Die Lit.)

Megan Thee Stallion (Rap. Meg is absolutely lovable and supremely talented, and I absolutely adore her. steam her music!)

LAST UPDATED: August 7, 2020

[mydearestreaderfanfics]

Do You Like Scary Movies? (Matt x Reader)

Warnings: swearing, violence, death (not any main characters)

Word Count: 2,997

Prompt/Request: Fourteenth day of the October Special: Scary Movies.

Summary: You and your boyfriend, Matt Holt, are enjoying a scary movie marathon. Well, you were... until a certain Stephen King movie turned the night into a truly scary story.

Author: Mod Alex

Matthew Holt was many things, a goofball, a major nerd, and a spectacular boyfriend. He was not, however, a horror movie fan. Not that he was about to tell you that. You loved horror flicks of all kinds- anywhere from psychological thrillers to gory slasher flicks, the scarier the better. And Matt was a sucker for seeing you happy. So when you asked him to binge watch horror movies with you in honor of the spooky season, he couldn’t help but say yes.

Which is why he was here now, a bowl of popcorn on his lap, pulse rushing, and clinging to you. And you were only half-way through the second movie. “Aww, Matt, do you want to turn the movie off, love? You should’ve told me you didn’t like scary movies.” “WHA- no way! I was just, um, making sure you weren’t scared. Yeah! That’s all, I just didn’t want you to get scared.” You fixed him with a disbelieving look and he chuckled nervously, pulling away from you. You pulled him back, curling up with his arm wrapped securely over your shoulders. “I guess you can protect me from the big, bad movie monsters.” Despite knowing you were playing along for his sake, he couldn’t help but feel better. Being close to you helped make the movie feel less real.

“Next up, a classic: The Children of the Corn!” Matt shook his head, amused. You weren’t afraid in the least if anything you seemed even more pumped than you had been before you started watching the movies. “Sure… Let me just go to the bathroom. You set it up?” You nodded, already shuffling through your DVDs. By the time he got back, you’d already set the movie up and popped another bowl of popcorn. “Ready?” “Yeah.” You got cozied up next to him again and pressed play. The opening played like normal, you laughing at the shitty effects and Matt seeming genuinely disturbed by the storyline. You mourned the loss of Sarge, the sweet border collie, and watched as Burt and Vicky made it to Gatlin. As they parked the car, your vision went black.

You woke up in the unforgettable snot yellow Buick. Your heart raced, thinking that perhaps this was some sort of sick joke. At least until you turned to see an equally confused Matt. Oh god, this can’t be happening. He wasn’t wearing the ironic tee you’d gotten him for his birthday, instead, he was wearing the white buttoned shirt that Burt wore in the movie. Much to your horror, you had Vicky’s outfit on. Did this mean what you thought it meant? “(Y/N), where are we?” You barely heard him over the roaring in your ears from the rising panic. You grabbed around at anything you could find- the map and bloody suitcase confirmed your suspicions. “In the movie. Fuck! Matt, how is this happening? How can this be real?” “The movie? You mean Children of the Cor-“ “Yes!” He grabbed your hand, trying to steady you even though he was freaking out too. “Okay, just breathe. How does it end, do you know? What happens?” You breathed like he told you to, taking a minute to calm down before you explained. “Okay,” You looked around, taking in the scene that was laid out around you, “If I’m not mistaken we’re in the scene before we meet Sarah.” “Sarah?” “The little girl. She’s not crazy like the others.” “Great.” You sighed, mentally agreeing with his sarcastic statement. “Matt, this movie is like crazy dangerous. And if it is going to play out which would be… less than ideal… we could both get really hurt.” You took his hands in yours. “Staying out here is a bad idea, but before we go in, promise me you’ll be careful.” “Always.” You nodded, the sinking feeling in your gut not lessening in the slightest.

The inside of the house was as messy as you remembered it being, which is to say, it looked like a twister had just gone through it. You wasted no time in wandering around, nothing of importance would be there. No. You needed to get to Sarah, maybe her psychic visions would point you in the direction of getting the hell out of here. Despite your hopefulness, your gut told you that wasn't going to happen. In a couple of minutes, Matt was going to leave for one reason or another and you'd be left with Sarah, after which you'll be taken away by Malachai. Your heart clenched painfully in your chest and you had to focus on your breathing for a solid minute so that you didn't break down into a panic attack right there. Real good that would do. No, you needed to keep as level a head as you could. Especially since you needed to try and remember how the movie played out. It had been a while since you'd seen the movie, you were lucky to have remembered as much as you did. But now, Matt and you'd life's literally depending on you remembering it. “Hey, (Y/N), I think I hear something up here.” Matt was already at the stairs. You grabbed his wrist stopping him from walking up further. “Wait. Before we go up there, I- we need to come up with a plan. Or at least let me try and remember.” He nodded, walking back down the steps to stand next to you. “That makes sense. Do you know- does the couple live?” You scrunched your eyebrows together, biting at your thumb nail while you thought. “I think so yes. But they were pretty beat up.” “Okay. That’s not ideal, but at least we have a chance.” “I remember Vicky, the character I’ve seemed to have replaced, she gets taken by the cult, but they use her as bait to get you to come. Don’t. If you do, they’ll kill us both and we won’t have a chance. You have to make sure you stay with… oh, what was his name? Sarah’s brother.” Matt nodded, seemingly taking everything in. “Okay. Anything else I need to know?” “I love you, other than that no. I can’t remember anything else.” “I love you too.” Matt held your head between his hands, resting his forehead against yours. The feeling was brief, but the gesture sent a wave of comfort through you. You pecked his lips before taking his hand and heading toward the music. “C’mon. Let’s go meet Sarah.”

Sarah was exactly where you expected her to be- sitting in a room just as disastrous as the rest of the house coloring a grisly scene. She looked up at the two of your, panic clear as day in her sad eyes. “Hey, hey. It’s okay, we aren’t going to hurt you,” you kneeled down next to her, “What're you drawing?” She moved away and you smiled reassuringly. “It’s okay. Do you think you could draw something for me?” “You won’t tell Isaac?” “We promise not to tell anybody,” “Or Malachai?” “Or Malachai.” You knew this would make her feel at ease, or at the least, you hoped it would. It had worked for Vicky in the movie after all. She nodded, a smile appearing on her fragile features. Matt tapped your shoulder and when you looked up at him he seemed to be distracted. You stood up so you could speak with him properly. He spoke in a hushed tone. “When those kids get here, what do we do?” You hadn’t thought about that… If Matt was here they'd just capture him too. Oh god. “Matt you have to go.” “What?!” You glanced back at Sarah to make sure she hadn't heard you two. “Look, when they get here they’ll take both of us, but if you go to Town Hall, the movie will play out like it’s supposed to. You can save me then. We can get out of here, but only if you go.” You tried to usher him out the door but he stood his ground. “(Y/N), I’m not just gonna leave you.” “Please, Matt. Just trust me about this.” You pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you in a few minutes, okay? Now go.” He still looked irresolute, but he did as you were asking. You did your best to steel yourself for what was about to happen. If only you could remember the movie a little better. “How’s your drawing coming along?” “Fine.” “Can I see it?” She handed you the paper and you felt a chill run through you like someone had just dumped ice water over your body. Is this what Vicky had felt, you wondered. A crash from downstairs alerted you to the unwanted intruder. “Sarah, you need to hide now.” She looked afraid but did as you asked, running behind the dresser as you made your way downstairs. Sarah was necessary for this story to work so you had to keep them from grabbing her. Malachai was already at the middle of the staircase when you got there. A malicious grin lit up his face. “Seize them!” Instincts drove you to turn around and run back towards the room. It was all for naught, though, as they yanked you back, pulling you away to the field.

Across the town, Matt was wandering through the town hall. There were papers everywhere, it felt like something horrible had happened here, although, he supposed it had. He felt uneasy, to say the least. One picture in specific caught his attention. A dragon…? What was that that it was breathing fire on? Oh god, oh no. He had to find you. He made his way back to the house, the feeling of dread growing stronger with each pound of his foot against the broken asphalt. “(Y/N)!? Where are you?!” He looked around the house frantically, tears beginning to pool in his eyes. It was a mistake to leave you alone here. Finally, his line of sight landed on a still cowering Sarah. “Sarah, where are they? Please, you’ve got to tell me. Where is (Y/N)?” Finally, Sarah spoke up in a hushed voice still full of fear to tell him who had taken you.

His search had led him to a run-down church. Calling it run down was being generous too, the whole place looked ready to collapse. Inside a group of children seemed to be doing some sort of ritual. He had to stop them, whatever made them think this was a good idea was crazy. “What are you all doing?” The boy at the pulpit turned around, his eyes glazed over and a dazed smile on his lips. “My passage. It’s my birthday.” “This is ridiculous, you can’t just cut yourself up because some, some other kid told you to-” “Silence interloper! Your presence profanes this holy place!” The girl who had been leading the whole ritual sent off the kids to get Isaac. Matt’s head was spinning, what kind of sicko was this Isaac to demand these kids prep themselves for death. “Look I’m not trying to hurt you, but this isn’t okay. We can get you help, we just gotta get you out of this place.” “There he is. Go get him!” Malachai had shown up, a hoard of children behind them. Every last one of them had some sort of weapon. It’s just a movie, none of them are real and he couldn't actually help them, Matt had to remind himself. His top priority was surviving long enough to find you. With a pitying glance back at the misguided children, he booked it out of there. As he was turning a corner, a little kid waved him over. “Hey, mister! I know a place to hide. But we gotta hurry.” He wasn't sure whether or not he could trust this kid, but the only other option was turning around and facing the armed children. And besides, hadn't you mentioned something about another little kid being helpful? “Alright. Lead the way.”

You woke up with a migraine pounding behind your eyes making it almost unbearably painful to open them. As your senses slowly returned to you, you could hear two voices arguing. It must be that scene where Malachai turns on Isaac. You closed your eyes; it’s not like there was much you could do plus it helped ease your headache. Malachai gave the command to cut you lose and put Issac in your place. The ropes holding you taut loosened and you fell to your knees. A knife prodded against your back and you sighed- it was a bad situation, but at least you were one step closer to finding Matt.

Job and Sarah had explained everything to him- how Isaac had basically brainwashed the whole town and how some cop had tried to save them but ended up dying. They also told him how you were most likely in the cornfield being prepared as a sacrifice. He swore his heart had stopped just from hearing that. Movie or not, there was no way he was going to let anything bad happen to you. “Okay, I’m gonna go find her. You two stay safe and hidden, okay?”

They’d brought you back to the cornfield when Matt had failed to show up. You tried to remind yourself that it was all part of the movie plot and that you yourself had told him not to come when they called for him, but still, your heart ached at the thought that maybe he wasn’t going to find you, or worse something had gone horribly wrong. You shouldn't have told him to leave. If you two would have stuck together maybe it would’ve worked better. Oh god, what if he was hurt because of your stupidity?! Just then you saw a flash of light brown move out of the corn stalks. It was Matt! Your heart leaped with joy. “Matt, you’re okay!” You weren’t the only one to have noticed him, though, the other kids were already turning on him. He shoved Malachai out of the way, pulling you towards him. “What is wrong with you all? There’s nothing okay about this- about killing each other because some kid told you it’s what you’re supposed to do! That’s ridiculous, you should be ashamed of yourselves.” Malachai ran back over, knife in hand. With reflexes faster than you could completely decipher, Matt had Malachai back on the ground with his knife in his hand. He tossed it aside. “Come on, (Y/N), we need to get out of here.” “Kill him!” The children didn’t listen to Malachai, they just looked down seeming to realize the consequences of their actions for the first time. Even still, the fire that had already consumed Isaac was quickly becoming overwhelming and there was very little time before it came to claim Malachai too from what you remembered. “To the barn.” You grabbed Matt’s hand, dragging him to the final showdown of the movie.

The wind had picked up and the children were all huddled in the barn with you. It was something you'd always found odd about the movie, how these kids that had tried to kill Burt and Vicky were now huddled in fear trusting the adults to keep them safe. Ah well, no time to dwell on that now. “Matt, I remember the ending.” “You do? What do we have to do?” “Set everything on fire.” “What?” He gave you a look of disbelief. “I know, I know. Just help me with this stupid hose would you?” Between the both of you (and Job) you managed to rig the sprinkler system with alcohol. “Matt, I’m gonna go throw the bottle.” “(Y/N), no. I mean this is all so crazy. Sure it worked in the movie but what if something goes wrong?” You smiled, swallowing your own fear to reassure Matt like he had done for you earlier. “I’ll be fine, I promise. And when I get back, I promise we will never ever watch another scary movie again.” He laughed, shaking his head. “Alright, I’m gonna hold you to that.” Before you knew it you were wrapped securely in his arms, his lips right by your ear as he whispered in a voice that sounded shaky and unsteady. “You better come back. Please, I love you.” “I love you too.” You pulled back enough to press a kiss to his lips.

It played out the very same way it did in the movie. You threw the bottle and it fell, completely useless out of the reach of the fuel. Job ran to get it, chastised you for throwing so terribly and then you threw it again. The world went into bullet time. The bottle swirled and flipped and then landed. 1… 2… 3… BOOM! “Job, come on!” You ran back to the barn as fire swallowed the fields. Matt enveloped you in a hug, swinging you around, laughing joyously. “We did it, we did it! We can leave!” You left the scorching cornfields behind you as you, Matt, Job, and Sarah walked back to where you left the car. Big surprise it was unusable, but nevertheless, the door opened. “Interloper!” You slammed the door in the final jumpscares face. “We should probably walk.” And just as you began walking away on the abandoned road, your vision went black.

You woke up, curled up against Matt on the couch, the credits to Children of the Corn rolling on the tv. Had you just dreamt the whole thing up? Matt jumped up, eyes searching the room frantically before they finally settled on you. "You’re okay.” He pulled you close against him again. “No more scary movies.” You laughed breathlessly, pressing a kiss to his jaw. Truth be told, you weren't sure you'd watch another scary movie for the rest of your life. “I did promise that didn't I?” Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all.

[little-bookshelf-dragon]

February Wrap Up (Finally)

Okay! So I’m finally getting to this...five days late. Oops. Just to clear that up, I started a reading journal towards the end of February and wanted to do entries for the month of February before making this post. I’m hoping that this will help me organize my thoughts for my reviews. So I can actually... post reviews. 

Anyway. Here we go! I’m going to begin with my overall thoughts and then go into my stats and put reviews under the cut so if you haven’t read these books and want to avoid spoilers you can! 

Overall thoughts on this month’s reading: 

I DNF’d one-third of my TBR this month (two of six. I say one third like it’s so many more than that). It’s a little funny that I had so much more success with the books I hadn’t actually planned to read than my TBR. I’m also kind of surprised that I made it through some of the books that I did, when I DNF’d other books for similar reasons. I did go into this month knowing that this was going to be a difficult bunch of books to get through, 

I think I’m going to have to adjust my Goodreads reading challenge. I’ve already more than halfway through it and its only February. I'm honestly surprised. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the 52 I had planned.  

Stats for this month: 

Total Books Read (Finished): 18 

DNF’d Books: 2

Books I need to Finish: 4

All-Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by Saundra Mitchell, et al. 

City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling

We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson 

Academic Books: 3

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by  Willaim Shakespeare 

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

Ratings: 

Five Stars: 5

Four Stars: 7

Three Stars: 4

Two Stars: 2

One Star:  0

Spoilery Reviews Under the Cut! 

DNF’d Books: 

Frozen by Melissa De LaCruz and Micheal Johnston

It was a weird book. In general. And then the Scene that implied sexual assault happened, and I had to stop reading. I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it. 

Ender’s Game By Orson Scott Card

I was having trouble getting into the book in the first place, and then I realized that these were six year old kids. Being trained for war. Against aliens. As I have a sister who’s six, this didn’t sit well with me. 

Two Star Books:

Echo by Alyson Noel 

I was really dissappointed in this book. I really enjoyed the first book in the Soul Seekers book, Fated. I liked the worldbuilding, the relationship between Daire and Dace, the concept of the Echo. But I had too many complaints about this book. Mainly with Cade. I feel like I could have liked him more if he had some actual development and clearer motivations. Though, I think the attempted rape scene was a little much (that’s an understatement.) I think it would be nice if there were a YA book where the female MC wasn’t assaulted, or at least that addresses it properly afterward. 

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

I’m honestly surprised that I finished this one, after I DNF’d another book for similar things happening. I didn't like Feyre much. She didn't seem to have much moe to her character other than painting and hunting. For someone who was meant to be so strong willed, she seemed to change her mind too easily. Rhysand...I don’t know where it start with him. He’s not much of one here, but it’s pretty obvious that they’re setting him up as a love interst in the later books. Can we stop having abusive boyfriends in YA lit? Tamlin was a little pathetic. Maybe don’t alienate the one person that’s your shot at freedom? Maybe? Feyre and Tamilin’s relationship was cute, but it wasn't really all that convincing. 

Three Star Books:

The Maze Runner by James Dashner

The Maze runner was good. I’m not sure if it was good enough to deserve the hype it received. I did not like that there was so much that was left unanswered in the beginning. It’s one thing to withhold information to create interest. It’s another to taunt your readers by having a character ask the questions, and the others refusing to give an answer. I did think the ending was an interesting twist, to stage a ‘rescue’ and then have it turn out to be apart of the trials. 

Love Drugged by James Klise 

There’s...a lot to unpack with this one. At first, the general premise made me feel a little sick. I almost stopped reading it several times thoughtout the book, especially when the chaacters described being gay as a disease. But by the time I finished, I think I understood better. Jamie was being mainipulated, not just by the doctor, but by society to think that way. His journey to discover and understand himself leads to his desperate actions in an effort to escape that manipulation. It’s heartbreaking to know that Jamie's thoughts were based off of off the author’s when he was around the same age.   

Take Two by Julia Devillers & Jennifer Roy 

I was kind of disappointed in this book. I loved the first one when I was younger, so the fact that I didn’t feel the same about the sequel is a let down. Though I guess that might have to do with the difference in age between the times I read them   

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne 

Four Star books: 

Mockingjay by Suzzane Collins 

I cried so much reading this book. Katniss yelling at Buttercup at the end broke me. Her “for Prim” before the execution was beautiful (I’ll admit it took me some time to realize she was hinting at what she was planning to do.) Cinna having a part in the rebellion even after his death. The amount that Haymitch cares about Peeta and Katniss. UGH the feels. I did have a problem with the pacing. I felt like all the action was squeezed in at teh end. And Peeta and Katniss’s relationship seemed to seesaw between them in it’s one-sidedness throughout the series. 

Duel Of Fire by Jordan Rivet 

I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. Especially at he beginning, I thought the characters were annoying. But that GROWTH. By the end, I loved the characters. I had a hunch about who the rebels were, but I wasn’t sure until they were revealed. I loved the magic system and world building, and I can’t wait to see how the story will be developed in the next book and the rest of the series. 

Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson

This was my first Brandon Sanderson book and I was not disappointed. The concept was interesting, the Epics having a specific weakness kept them from being overpowered, and I loved the fact that  the “Normal people” weere the heroes (For the most part.) I KNEW there was somehing up wiht Megan. But Steelheart’s weakness completely threw me off. I had so many theories, but I was wrong on all of them. That was a plot twist done well. 

City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare

(I’m actually not going to include my notes here because they turned into more of a rant at the characters than an actual reveiw) 

Galatea by Madaline Miller

I want more of this. Any additional content, I want it. It says something that she felt the only way to escape was to die (And take her husband with her). I REALLY want to know what happened with their daughter.  

The Skin I’m In by Sharon G. Flake 

This is a reread for me. I read tthis book when I, I believe,  was the same age as Maleeka. And at the time, while I had never been in the same situations she’s in, I could still relate to her. Now, as an adult working with students Maleeka’s age, I see my students. It gives me a better insight to what might be going on in their homes, thoughts, and attitudes. This is a book that so many of them should read, just like so many of them could use a Ms. Saunderson. 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Willaim Shakespeare

Five Star books:

Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare 

This book. This book. I audiobooked most of it, which meant that I was listening to it in class while working. Which means I cried. During class. This is one of the few love triangles I think I’ve ever really liked and am actually emotionally invested in. I fully understand the hype around this series. I can't wait to pick up the next one.   

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo

After finishing the audiobook, I'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe how much this means to me. How many of Xiomara's thoughts and feelings I relate to. And I just can't find the words. I can't remember the last time a book meant this much to me. Wanting to find my own voice. Beginning to question the religion that has been such a big part of my life for a long time. Feeling like I have to hide parts of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, everything I wish I could say but can't, from people I care about. Wanting my own writing to mean something to others. I wish I could put what I'm feeling into words, but I'm struggling. I cried. I need a copy of this book. I loved it so much.

Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen

I feel like Dessen’s books follow a pattern. I’ve only read three so far, but I’m able to see the similarities. However, that dosn't stop them from being unique. Sydney’s problems are different from Macy’s, whose are different from Collie’s. So while the books are similar enought to notice a pattern,  they’re unique enough to keep the reader’s interest. I wouldn’t say that Saint Anything has impacted me as much as some books have, but I did still enjoy it. Also, a moment of appreciation for instances of sexual assault handled correctly? It's rare to see the subject addressed in a book after it happens. Though I would have loved to see Ames prosecuted. We need to tell girls it's okay to speak up about these things.

Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

I loved this. I’m not even sue how to put it all inot words. First of all, Saskia getting expelled? Excellent. That girl made me so mad. Messing with Lila’s feelings was bad enough, but hen going stalker, assualting her, and then outing her to the entire school? I think I would have liked to see even more of a punishment, honestly. Maybe someting from her parents. LISA. I loved Lisa. I’m so happy she and Leila ended up together. They both deserved to be happy and I’m so happy they got to be happy together. I was so emotional after finishing this book.  

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen 

I’m not going to go too in depth because then this would be way too long but this is my favorite book that I’ve had to read for a calss. Ever. 

[spookyyenna]

Info and Junk about my Power Rangers Fanfiction

⛔WARNING: SUPER LONG POST⛔

Like I said in my last post, I've been working on the story for two years and between that time, I've worked on the title, the characters, villains, and everything in between. And without further ado... here's the lore of the story:

The official title of the story:

Power Rangers Wing Commanders

The Plot:

Coming from another dimension, Dark Sparrow and his army of space pirates are planning to conquer earth and enslave everyone that lives on it. Now, it's up to a new team of heroes to take to the sky and save the day. They are, Power Rangers Wing Commanders.

The Setting:

The story takes place in the city of Finn Hill. A massive city in Southern California where humans and anthro animals co-exist with one another (and no, there's no beastiality). The city is also known for its landmarks and it's famous Mayor, Pheobe Tsubaki.

Locations (so far):

Finn Hill High School: The main high school where Jeremy, Roy, Adrian, Kayla, and Lucy go to when they're not out saving the world from intergalactic villains and monsters. Like every other high school-they got tons of classes to go to, piles of homework to do, and dealing with annoying school bullies; all five of them almost have the same classes together and during lunch or study hall, they would always discuss strategies on how to take down one of Dark Sparrow's monsters.

W.C.O Headquarters: The Rangers' main HQ and home base of the Wing Commander Organization (or W.C.O for short). The base itself is a massive helicarrier that hovers over the entire city 24/7 and monitors for any monster attacks or unusual activity; the Rangers' zords and wing-cycles are held in the cargo bay. Once they've been activated (either by the rangers or by Professor Foxworth), they get transported to the launch bay and prepare to launch.

The Finn Hill Mall: A huge mall that is located in the downtown area of the city and is the main hangout spot for Jeremy and the others to chill and relax after a long day of being superheroes. Inside the mall, there's a local music shop that goes by the name of "Music Fever" which is owned by Kayla's father and uncle, along with that, there's also a smoothie shop that is called "Green Paw Smoothies" in which, is owned by Adrian's family.

Dark Terrarium: This is Dark Sparrow's massive spaceship and his base of operations. Inside this ship, Sparrow and his minions hatch up ideas and plans on how to destroy the power rangers, how to conquer earth, and what monsters to create. Also, the ship itself is packed to the brim with state-of-the-art weaponry and a deadly laser beam that can decimate planets.

Side Characters (So far):

Nelson Skuller/Billy Blake/Mira Thompson: A trio of school bullies that pick on the Rangers on a daily basis and just for the fun of it. But whenever they get confronted by a monster or by a couple of Nexors...they usually turn tail and run away, or even attempt to fight the odd creatures (and fail miserably). And whenever they try to pull a prank or a stunt, it always backfires on them.

Principle Bernstein: The head principal of Finn Hill High School. Due to being a brown bear, some of the students and other teachers tend to find Mr. Berenstain both "intimidating or scary". But in reality, he's a pretty kind and gentle mammal-but if he catches you causing trouble or skipping class...his mood will automatically change and he'll end up giving you either a good scolding, two weeks detention, or a possible school suspension.

Kelsey Hudson: A 16-year-old border collie who is an old childhood friend of Adrian's and a huge fan of the power rangers. When she found out Adrian was a ranger, she completely lost it and was happy for her friend (she even has a blog dedicated to the heroes); but whenever she sees Adrian or the others get hurt during a battle, she gets super anxious and worries about them a lot. After the monster is defeated and everything, she gets reassuring comfort from the rangers to let her know that they're okay and both her and the city is saved once again.

Episodes (So Far):

1. Wings of Change Pt 1:

An intergalactic space pirate named Dark Sparrow and his alien armada have arrived on earth and are on the verge of taking it over. Until an unlikely team of heroes comes together to stop them.

2. Wings of Change Pt 2:

As the Rangers get the hang of their new powers, they will need to combine them to take down Dark Sparrow’s army and the gecko monster.

3. Jurassic Terror:

When Jeremy and his class go on a field trip to the Finn Hill Natural History Museum, things turn for the worst, when Rag-Zar takes the DNA of a T-Rex fossil and creates a prehistoric monster.

4. Ranger Photoshoot:

When a magazine company interviews the rangers for a special article, Dark Sparrow hatches up a plan to make the ranger’s interview their last.

5. Cool as Blue:

A new girl has arrived at Finn Hill and Roy has a major crush on her. While he's trying to ask her out, the other rangers have their hands full dealing with the thunder-beetle monster.

6. Adventures in Rangersitting:

When Adrian gets stuck babysitting his little cousins, things get a little wild when they get snatched up by the King Owl Monster.

7. Arctic Showdown:

When a monster named Blizzardhound attempts to turn the city into the next ice age, the Rangers fly to the rescue.

8. Collide:

When Roy and Kalya’s constant bickering gets out of hand, they are forced to work together when Jeremy and the others get captured by Rag-Zar.

9. Color Switch:

After being attacked by the Wizard Dragon monster, Lucy and Adrian end up switching bodies and soon started seeing things from a different perspective.

10. Bad Monster Day:

When Dark Sparrow’s newest monster refuses to attack the city, he attempts to aid the rangers on taking down his former master.

11. Cats Vs Dogs:

When the monster feline duo, Calico, and Calica, put Adrian in a mind-control spell, they use him to destroy the other rangers.

12. The Ranger and the Bully:

When a trio of school bullies steal Lucy and Kayla's morphers, they run into trouble when they're hunted down by Rag-Zar, Zerrick, and the Mighty-Mirror monster.

13. Crying Crabs: As the Rangers enjoy their day off at the beach, things get bad when the queen crab monster creates a massive tidal wave to wash away Finn Hill. Meanwhile, Professor Foxworth and the rest of the scientists are working on a new fleet of zords.

14. Return of the Claws: When Calico returns more strong and powerful, she seeks revenge on the rangers for destroying Calica.

15. Cyber Racer: It's the annual Finn Hill Grand Prix and everyone including the rangers is excited about it. Until a mysterious racer joins the race and turns everything upside down.

16. The Golden Fox Pt 1: When Professor Foxworth's nephew, Ashton, comes to Finn Hill, strange occurrences started to happen and a new threat was on the horizon.

17. The Golden Fox Pt 2: After Ashton learns that Jeremy and the others are power rangers, he wants to aid them in protecting the city and stopping Dark Sparrow. However, the professor has mix feelings about this.

18. The Golden Fox Pt 3: When Professor Foxworth and the Rangers get captured by General Bladehog, it'll be up to Ashton to save them.

19. Dog Gone Wedding: When Adrian's eldest brother is planning to get married, the rangers set up preparations for the wedding. Meanwhile, a mysterious monster is attacking the city.

20. Pink with Envy: When Lucy's having a bad day, everything turns for the worst when Sheira and Zerrick terrorize the city.

21. Virus Swarm: When Professor Foxworth updates the W.C.O's computer system, it gets corrupted by Dark Sparrow's nanobots.

22. Air Battle: When Dark Sparrow unleashes his shadow fleet upon the city, the Rangers take to the sky in an arial showdown.

23. Star Blitz: The Rangers race against the clock to stop Sheira and Zerrick from creating a shooting star shower that could destroy the city.

24. Carnival Mayhem Pt 1: When a mysterious carnival comes to Finn Hill, the Rangers decided to check it out. But they don't realize that they're running into a trap.

25. Carnival Mayhem Pt 2: With the remaining rangers under Jackal the Clown's control, it's up to Roy to conquer his fear of clowns and save the day.

26. The Younger Years: While fighting the time clock monster-Jeremy, Lucy, and Adrian got turned into kids. Now it's up to Roy, Kayla, and Ashton to change them back.

That’s all I have for right now. I’ll make a separate post for the main core team of rangers, the main villains, and other main characters. When I get the time, I’ll add more info and whatnot to this post. So until next time, have a good day/night, stay awesome, and may the power protect you!

[hotteetrend]

An old witch cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a border collie Halloween shirt

A woman whom he guessed was An old witch cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a border collie Halloween shirt . Sarah’s mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah’s thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah’s aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with a They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah.Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face. As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa’s shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering “thank you” as they gazed sincerely at him with Assuring him she’d been a very good girl that year. As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl’s mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah’s bed, holding hands.An old witch cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a border collie Halloween shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirtSanta looked intently at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels An old witch cannot survive on wine alone she also needs a border collie Halloween shirt . He could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the Existing to bring a happy thought, an angel that allows you to believe in the magic of life. Since if we don’t keep the magic of life alive how can we explain so many things that take place? Read the full article

[knownconsortofthedoctor]

Verse Masterlist

So this is a very long post therefore I’ve put it under a readmore. These are my current verses all of which are open to everyone

CANON

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1st regeneration tag - v: daughter of the silence This is Melody’s life growing up under the care of Dr Renfrew and the Silence. 

2nd regeneration tag - v: going full circle After regenerating in 1969 Melody was taken to Leadworth in 1991. She grew up with foster parents who were very absent. Her best friends were her own parents. Goes up to episode Lets Kill Hitler.

University Verse tag - v: becoming river song This verse follows River when she’s becoming the woman we know. She’s at university studying to be an archaeologist. It’s the first time she’s been free from the Silence.

Professor Verse tag - v: professor river song After being released from prison River went back to university. She became a professor lecturing archaeology. This verse is for both pre and post library. The majority of threads are post library.

Darillium Verse tag - v: twenty-four years Pretty much what it says on the tin, this verse is for River and the Doctor’s time on the planet Darillium.

AUs

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MOST USED

Stayed Verse tag - v: if she stayed This is AU from ‘The Angels Take Manhattan’ River stayed with the Doctor aboard the TARDIS. They still went to The Pasternoster Gang and stayed there to mourn meaning they met Clara. It means that the plots of the show still go just as they did without River but obviously she’s there too. Open Starters for this verse are here and mostly towards the Doctor.

Returned Verse tag - v: if she returned Following on from 'if she stayed' after River’s twenty-four years with the Doctor she goes to the Library but is very quickly reanimated and brought back to the Doctor. So she travels with him and his companion(s).It means that the plots of the show still go just as they did without River but obviously she’s there too.Open Starters for this verse are here and mostly towards the Doctor.

OTHERS

Mum Verse tag - v: talks with mum or v: mothering river A nice simple verse. My main verse River cannot have children so this verse is for my interactions with OCs (to whom I am very welcome) and also any threads where River discusses having children, is pregnant or has children.

Fobwatched Verse tag - v: fobwatched verse River was as she is in the main!verse, she had gotten out of The Library and for a while The Doctor and she were safe, but then she fell pregnant. The Doctor soon realised that she wouldn’t survive the pregnancy in her current biological standing. They decided that a fobwatch would be the safest outcome. River was meant to be dropped off in Leadworth 2015 and the Doctor would meet her and wake her up, once the pregnancy was over. But something went wrong and she ended up in Victorian England, she doesn’t know where her husband is or who he is, only that he is a good man and will come home soon. She now has a three year old son named Rory and works as a Nanny.

Kovarian’s Verse stockholm syndrome tw tag - v: madame kovarian’s daughter In this verse River did kill the Doctor but she’s not that evil. She just wants to please Madame Kovarian who she has a case of Stockholm Syndrome towards. She is completely dependent on Madame Kovarian and is very defensive if people try to talk against her.

Master’s Verse stockholm syndrome tw, abuse tw tag - v: the year that never was This verse is set in the Year That Never Was, where River is kept as The Master’s prisoner aboard the Valiant. Due to the paradox she sort of lost who she was. River is practically the Master’s pet, she does as he asks when he asks and won’t talk to many other people. She’s been abused by The Master to become this way.

Human Verse tag - v: a human life As the name might suggest River is human in this verse, she doesn’t know the Doctor, she doesn’t know her parents or anything about aliens. She is just an archaeology professor at Oxford University.

Melody Pond Verse tag - v: beloved melody pond This is what would have happened if baby Melody had not been taken by The Silence. She is a normal little girl with Amy and Rory raising her.

Sick Verse tag - v: the doctor’s patient To get out of the Library River was placed in a new body however due to the body being completely new it’s immune system was very weak and soon she found herself unable to go very long without medical help and so she called her Doctor.Now she stays aboard the TARDIS where she is connected to a life support system. She still does archaeological research and writes textbooks instead of going on actual digs. She misses it but knows it’s for the best.

Pond Verse tag - v: melody williams is a superhero This is a very AU verse. Melody didn’t regenerate in New York and turn into Mels, instead she stayed as a very sick little girl looking for her parents and somehow she does finding them in Manhattan.Basically Melody getting the childhood she deserved and Amy and Rory getting to raise her.

SJA Verse tagged - v: sarah jane’s niece Based on this gifset. Knowing where to find Melody the Doctor took her from the Silence, with the help of Jack Harkness and Torchwood, however Melody was still in a lot of danger and so the Doctor felt she was unable to go with Rory and Amy, yet.And so he left her on Sarah Jane’s doorstep with an explanation of what was going on. From then on she stayed with Sarah Jane, Luke and a few years later Skye. She is known as Melody Williams and is known to others to be Sarah Jane’s niece.Amy and Rory are able to visit, and do, as often as they like.

Vault Verse tag - v: stay alive This verse is set in series 10. Instead of Missy in the vault it is River. The Doctor finds a way of saving River and he works out how to do it after reassembling Nardole. He found a way of attaching River’s consciousness and head into the robot that had kept King Hydroflax alive for so long. As it was stated that it was basically built in life support he argued that until he could keep River asleep until a new body had been created.And it worked, almost, River was transferred into the body and it was successful with all memories intact. But she couldn’t sleep, instead she works up periodically and cannot control the robot she has been placed in, that is why she has been placed in the vault. For her own safety, as she has poor health and immune system, and others from the robot.

Sisters Verse (mainly with @madasateacup) tag - v: strength of a sister AU as of Angels Take Manhattan where Amy and Rory didn't get taken back in time and instead continued their life in Leadworth. Soon afterwards they adopted a little girl named Collie. Although originally nervous River soon fell in love with being a big sister. Follows their interactions as Collie grows up.

Doctor Verse tag - v: i am the doctor This AU takes place where 'River' is in the place of the Doctor. She's one of the reincarnations who just decides to call herself River sometimes.

Dark Verse tag - v: dark river As the name might suggest this verse is for a dark version of River. Having gone mad after several brainwashing sessions following the Doctor's 'death' by the Silence River doesn't believe anyone anymore.She killed her way out of Stormcage and now roams the universe bringing havoc and destruction on the people she believes have wronged her.

CROSSOVERS

So I am in a lot of fandoms, chances are if I follow you and you’re not in the DW fandom then yours will be listed here. I always prefer to rp in these verses rather than a crossover verse where there’s lots of confusion.

OUAT tag - v: ouat

HARRY POTTER tag - v: hogwarts

DIVERGENT tag - v: divergent

X-MEN tag - v: mutant xmen

SHIELD/MCU tag - v: shield

THE HUNGER GAMES tag - v: hunger games

PIRATES tag - v: a pirates life for me

VIKINGS tag - v: how to train your dragon

WICKED tag - wicked

LOTR/THE HOBBIT tag - v: elf in middle earth

THE 100 tag- v: the 100

JURASSIC PARK/WORLD tag - v: jurassic world

VAMPIRE tag - v: vampire

POLICE tag - v: di river song

ELEMENTARY (AND OTHER SHERLOCK SHOWS) tag - v: sherlock’s consultant

Z NATION (AND OTHER ZOMBIE SHOWS) tag - v: post z nation

RICK RIORDAN BOOKS tag - v: camp half blood

NEWSIES THE MUSICAL tag - v: seize the day

THE ADDAMS FAMILY tag - v: when you’re an addams

SENSE8  tag - v: last of her cluster

CRIMINAL MINDS tag - v: interpol agent

HOUSE tag - v: house

[makaniistorm-blog]

I was tagged by @stormoftara I feel so loved when you tag me!

Answer the questions, and tag 20 followers

Name:  Sarah

Nicknames: Don’t really have one, was called Ponyo by one friend, Satan from another and then the rest are just name messing my real name (Sara (my name is pronounced SE-RA not SAR-RA and I get real pissed off if you call me that), Peara? Sahara (Desert))? I don’t know why. 

Height: Last time I checked 5′7, probably have grown

Orientation: Straight (As far as I know)

Nationality: British

Favorite Fruit: MELON!

Favorite Season: Autumn! The beautiful, crisp colours are wonderful!

Favorite Flower: Orchids and Lillies

Favorite Animal: I love many animals but I really like Big Cats (Tigers, Lions) and Big Dogs (German Shepherd, Wolves, Border Collie)  

Favorite Color: hmm, Black, White, Grey, Autumn and Sunset colours and minty colours

Favorite Scent: Cooked food like meat yummy!

Coffee, Tea or Hot Chocolate: I drink Tea the most, I like the others kinda, Coffee is too bitter and Hot Chocolate is too rich

Dog or Cat Person: Both (Don’t make me choose!)

Favorite Fictional Character: Karamatsu! (It changes when I’m in a different phase)

Number of Blankets You Sleep With: Sometimes 1

Dream Trip: Japan to be honest (I’m not a weeb I swear) but also India and Rio de Janeiro 

Blog Created: I don’t know, whenever I got attached to Osomatsu-San (which was late)

Number of Followers: 30, I’m not that popular, don’t post good enough content yet

Random Fact: Usually I seem like a shy girl to most people but if you really get to know me, I’m a very eccentric girl. I like to act like a cat, I have these random laughing fits, my mind wanders off to a place of fantasy, I talk to myself, I like to outsmart people or talk about Philosophical things. Nothing really interesting has happened in my life. Sorry I’m rambling.

You don’t need to dis but I gotta tag someone. @glasssnowdrop @rainboweem @miirukusan @jyushimatsurepliez @ihatemakingart

[hadarlaskey]

How to Build a Girl

Beanie Feldstein is the closest thing we have to a modern day Molly Ringwald. She continues a run which started with a scene-stealing supportive role in Ladybird and co-lead in the whip-smart Booksmart. Now Feldstein has moved across the pond, travelled back to the early ’90s, stuck on a frumpy school uniform and adopted a (sometimes dodgy) Brummie accent in Coky Giedroyc’s How to Build a Girl.

Adapted from a semi-autobiographical bestseller by journalist Caitlin Moran (who is also on screenwriting duties), the film sees Feldstein as Johanna, a lonely 16-year-old girl who hasn’t quite figured out who or what she wants to be yet. Growing up in a cramped council house in Wolverhampton with four siblings, a puppy farm, a past-his-sell-by-date rock drummer dad (Paddy Considine) and a mum struggling with postnatal depression (Sarah Solemani), Johanna is left to her own devices – which includes an overly zealous imagination.

She chats to her wall of heroes (including Sylvia Plath, the Brontës and Jo March) and her best friend is Bianca, the border collie. Bursting with creativity but with no outlet to speak of, Johanna enters a journalist competition for a London music magazine with a review of the Annie soundtrack and somehow gets hired as the office pet.

The first half of How to Build a Girl, when Johanna is falling in love with rock, running after big city lights and figuring out her sexuality, is full of magical moments. Giedroyc playfully makes posters come alive and they become Johanna’s confidants, a highlight being Bjork on a magazine cover telling her to get up and fight for space in the magazine because, “room’s like that needs girls like you.” Fighting fire-with-fire in the hostile boys’ club office, Johanna is told she needs to be tougher to get commissions and she reinvents herself as the red-haired, top-hat donning Dolly Wilde, “pop’s gatekeeper,” a critic on a rampage to destroy as many bands’ careers as she can get her hands on.

Feldstein is clearly having the time of her life in the lead, getting to play both the film’s goodie two shoes and the villain in a performance reminiscent of Emma Stone’s good-girl-goes-bad role in Easy A. It’s a shame, then, that the second half of How to Build a Girl loses momentum before screeching to a stand-still with a concluding monologue that is, at best, mildly sweet and, at worst, utterly cringe-inducing.

Johanna is emphatic that her story is not one defined by a boy, which is laudable, but the film also struggles to flesh out any meaningful relationships for its protagonist. A short scene between Johanna and her mum in bed is perfectly pitched, and it’s a shame their relationship isn’t covered in more depth. Yet despite narrative flaws, it’s hard not to find Giedroyc’s film charming — a bit like looking back at old school photos of yourself. So, how do you build a girl then? By trial and error the film suggests, not unlike the filmmaking on display here.

The post How to Build a Girl appeared first on Little White Lies.

source https://lwlies.com/reviews/how-to-build-a-girl/

[inkyardpress]

Our Top 10 Unlikeliest Couples in YA

When it comes to a good read, there’s not much better than a story all about the undeniable and electric chemistry between two incredible characters. Except maybe a story about a love that just doesn’t seem meant to be…at least at first. Whether it’s clashing personalities, impossible distances, or insurmountable obstacles, we love it going along for the ride when absolutely nothing can stand in the way of love!

When It’s Real by Erin Watt

Popstar sensation Oakley Ford needs a girl-next-door to fix his bad boy image, fast! When “ordinary girl” Vaughn Bennett agrees, she has no idea what she’s in for. They’re from entirely differently worlds, and he’s definitely not the kind of guy she’d go for. But when ordinary rules no longer apply, there’s no telling what your heart will do…

A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas

This second book in the Court of Thorns and Roses series delivers an unlikely—and steamy—romance between Feyre and Rhysand. Because of her deal with the cruel High Lord of the Night Court, Feyre is forced to spend time with Rhysand in exchange for his help. And she might discover a side of him that she simply can’t resist. #Feysand

That Thing We Called a Heart by Sheba Karim

A young Pakistani-American teenage girl named Shabnam faces a boring and friendless summer. That is, until she meets Jamie, a white college student, who helps her get a job at his aunt’s pie shack. Love is definitely in the air, but Shabnam is still trying to figure out who she truly wants to be.

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

Get ready to squeal! The fanfiction that stole our hearts in Fangirl lives on in this spinoff novel! Simon Snow is the Chosen One. Baz is an evil vampire. Somehow, love blossoms between the two—and we can’t get enough!

Blackhearts by Nicole Castroman

Swashbuckling pirates plus amorous glances make for an epic tale on the high seas! This reimagining of the Blackbeard’s origins brings together Teach Drummond, son of Bristol’s richest merchant, and Anne, a penniless maid. Craving escape, fate will bring them together and love will set sail!

Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy

This breathtaking coming of age story features a six-foot-tall heroine with luscious blue hair—the titular Ramona Blue. Ramona knows she likes girls, but with her childhood friend Freddie back in the picture, Ramona starts to have doubts about her sexual identity. Could their romance unravel everything she thought she knew about herself? Or will she discover that, for her, life and love are more fluid than they seem. 

Alex, Approximately by Jenn Bennett

Bailey’s online flirtation with a fellow film geek, named Alex, is suddenly IRL when she moves to his California town to live with her Dad. There she meets the irritating Porter Roth, who moonlights as Alex. You won’t regret getting caught up in this mistaken identity plot!

By Your Side by Kasie West

Accidentally getting locked in a library for an entire weekend might not seem so bad at first, but Autumn Collis begs to differ. Amongst the shelves of books, troublemaker Dax is locked in the library with her. With nothing to do but read, their forced conversations will develop into a serious case of the butterflies!

Get It Together, Delilah!  by Erin Gough

Ever wonder about your barista’s secret life? Delilah Green is managing her Dad’s café, trying to finish high school and avoiding mean girls, while also crushing hard on one of her regulars, Rosa. Rosa’s a dancer from across the street, whose smile will rock Delilah’s hectic life. Double shot of adorable with whip, anyone?

The One Memory of Flora Banks by Emily Barr

One kiss changes Flora Banks life forever. Somehow, despite having no short-term memory, the memory of that kiss manages to stick. So Flora embarks on a quest to the other side of the world to find the boy, Drake, and find out why. Never mind that he happens to be her best friend’s boyfriend. Will his love be the key to helping her discover the truth about herself?

[limejuicer1862]

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

rob mclennan

Born in Ottawa, Canada’s glorious capital city, rob mclennan currently lives in Ottawa, where he is home full-time with the two wee girls he shares with Christine McNair. The author of more than thirty trade books of poetry, fiction and non-fiction, he won the John Newlove Poetry Award in 2010, the Council for the Arts in Ottawa Mid-Career Award in 2014, and was longlisted for the CBC Poetry Prize in 2012 and 2017. In March, 2016, he was inducted into the VERSe Ottawa Hall of Honour. His most recent poetry titles include A halt, which is empty (Mansfield Press, 2019) and Life sentence, (Spuyten Duyvil, 2019). An editor and publisher, he runs above/ground press, seventeen seconds: a journal of poetry and poetics (ottawater.com/seventeenseconds), Touch the Donkey (touchthedonkey.blogspot.com) and the Ottawa poetry pdf annual ottawater (ottawater.com). He is “Interviews Editor” at Queen Mob’s Teahouse, editor of my (small press) writing day, and an editor/managing editor of many gendered mothers. He spent the 2007-8 academic year in Edmonton as writer-in-residence at the University of Alberta, and regularly posts reviews, essays, interviews and other notices at robmclennan.blogspot.com. He has a million links to books, chapbooks, interviews and other activity at his author page: robmclennanauthor.blogspot.com

The Interview

What inspired you to write poetry?

That’s a good question. I’m not entirely sure, and it’s a question I was asked by another not that long ago. I think poetry found me, and the finding, during my early high school years, solidified some of the thinking I’d already been attempting. Writing simply made sense.

It helped that I had a good social group around me during that period, many of whom were also experimenting with the beginnings of writing. We even started a small publication that our English teacher put together for us, and I contributed poems, postcard fictions and a couple of drawings.

Once my twenties began, it was the birth of my first child that really made me realize I should either pay attention to “this writing thing” properly, or simply not bother. She was born two months before I turned twenty-one, and I was soon running a home daycare full-time so I could stay home with her (taking in two other children five days a week, ten hours a day). I was writing in a coffee shop three nights a week during that period, from 7pm to midnight.

Who introduced you to poetry?

During my mid-teen years, my girlfriend (the eventual mother of my first child) was a big reader, and she introduced me to many things, including poetry and fiction, predominantly Canadian literature of the period—Leonard Cohen, Margaret Atwood, Margaret Lawrence, George Bowering, John Newlove, Alice Munro, Michael Ondaatje, Elizabeth Smart, etcetera. Through another high school peer, I became introduced to the work of Richard Brautigan, who remains my preferred American writer. I have a soft spot for him and his work I refuse to relinquish.

How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

“Dominating” seems an odd word. Anyone who publishes, especially for an extended period, is going to overshadow anyone younger who hasn’t yet published. Also: I’ve known a great many ‘older poets’ who have been remarkably generous with emerging writers, many of whom might not have managed to get to where they needed to gain traction with their own work without that kind of mentoring. I, myself, spent my teens and twenties encouraged by a great number of well-established writers, including Henry Beissel, Gary Geddes, Ken Norris, Judith Fitzgerald, John Newlove, George Bowering, Bruce Whiteman, Robert Hogg, Diana Brebner, John Barton, Mark Frutkin, Barry McKinnon, Elizabeth Hay and others.

I was aware of other writers only abstractly during my teen years, with few examples. Gary Geddes and Henry Beissel lived close, and I became aware of them through high school workshops. Ralph Connor was very much on my radar, as he’d written extensively on and around my geographic area, but he existed as a historical figure, not as a contemporary one (he sold a million copies of his books in 1900, being Canada’s earliest, if not first, best-selling fiction writer). It was only once I moved from the farm to the city at nineteen that I began moving through bookstores and libraries and multiple reading series, and getting a slow sense of what was happening with writing.

By the time I was twenty-three (1993), I’d started reviewing poetry titles, which quickly emerged into what has become a lengthy engagement with reviewing poetry, fiction and non-fiction books, journals and chapbooks. I started with a column in our local weekly paper in 1994, but by the end of the decade that had fizzed out, which eventually shifted my attention online, and my blog, which began sometime in 2003. For many years, as reader, writer, editor, reading series organizer and publisher, I’ve made it my business to be aware of as much as I possibly, humanly, can.

What is your daily writing routine?

Before the birth of our wee girls (who are now three and five and a half), I was writing daily from the time I woke until late afternoon, and even kept “office hours” at a donut shop from 1994 to 2000, before shifting over to a coffee shop (once my donut shop closed) where I sat daily for fourteen further years. Once the (more recent) wee children plus our house, I moved from writing almost exclusively in public spaces to sitting at my desk in a home office. These days, I’m either with the children, or I’m at my desk. There aren’t many opportunities for much else.

I’m currently writing around their summer program schedule—three mornings a week from 9am to 12:30pm—before I collect them from the church down the street for further adventures. There are times they are willing to play quietly, whether downstairs or in the living room, which allows me some further time at my desk, but I try to be careful with that. Once September hits, our big one begins grade one, and the wee one most likely returns to her three mornings plus two full (school) days a week, which will allow me some further attention. Perhaps that might even open the possibility that I return to that “big novel” I keep promising myself I’m still working on.

What motivates you to write?

This would seem an odd question to pose to a dairy farmer: what motivates you to milk the cows? Or to a welder: what motivates you to weld? So I offer: this is what I do. I start projects to make sense of things, and to explore particular subjects, thoughts and shapes. I finish projects because I am project-oriented (and am often eager to get to whatever might come next). Perhaps it comes from being the son of a self-directed dairy farmer, but I see what I do very much as existing in a working-class ethic. I get up, I work. I keep working. Very “Alice Munro” in my Scottish-Protestant ethic.

What is your work ethic?

My work ethic is the muscle I utilize to create and complete work. It is something I struggled to establish during my twenties, and has sustained much of my writing since.

How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

George Bowering was a great jumping-off point for my reading and research. He remained my favourite Canadian poet for two decades or more. He is often underacknowledged in CanLit for his wide range, and enormous amount, of editorial work and critical writing. He did, it was said, more critical work on those around him than any other writer of his generation. Through him, I discovered the work of a great deal of writers, from established to emerging, from mainstream to experimental, from Canadian to international. If one thought inevitably leads to another, so, too, my reading and thinking, and Bowering, singularly, increased my awareness exponentially.

And there are multiple books and authors I continue to return to, for rejuvenation, or solace. I’m rereading Jack Spicer these days, for example. Before that, I was digging through, yet again, Rosmarie Waldrop and Norma Cole.

Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

There are many! And too many to list here. But I am always excited to see new works by Lydia Davis, Lorrie Moore, Rosmarie Waldrop, George Bowering, Stuart Ross, Gil McElroy, Jason Christie, Brecken Hancock, Julie Carr, Pattie McCarthy, Erín Moure, Jack Davis, Monty Reid, Stephen Brockwell, Pearl Pirie, Amanda Earl, Stephen Collis, Sarah Manguso, Cole Swensen, Megan Kaminski, Anna Gurton-Wachter, Hailey Higdon, Shazia Hafiz Ramji, Jordan Abel, derek beaulieu, Sarah Mangold, Sandra Ridley, Hoa Nguyen, Jessica Smith, etcetera. There are so many writers doing amazing things! And there are new things to learn and relearn from every one of them. I want to experience it all. I like seeing what I haven’t before, which can often be difficult. I want to see work that challenges the way I think of writing, and thinking.

Why do you write, as opposed to doing anything else?

This is something I know I can do, and do very well. I also really enjoy it.

It makes sense to me when I tell myself that I write. I am a writer.

What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

Write as much as possible. Read as much as possible. Be fearless. Employ the long game.

Be open. Engage with others attempting the same. Edit later. Don’t be afraid to fail.

Keep going. Repeat as necessary.

Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

Since January I’ve been working on a poetry manuscript titled “book of magazine verse,” which plays off Jack Spicer’s title, writing poems that aim themselves toward specific journals and presses. In hindsight, I’m realizing just how little such pointed compositions are acknowledged, and I’m enjoying seeing where the poems end up taking me. If one attempts a couple of poems for Fence magazine, for example, they are going to sound very different than, say, poems that one might send to Grain magazine, so why not play with that structure? So much contemporary literary production would be lost without the little magazine and the small and smaller presses.

I’ve also been poking at a handful of short stories, attempting to get a sense of where a new manuscript might take me, especially since completing a further manuscript of short stories last year. I don’t just want new stories to sound like an extension of what that prior book was doing. I want to see if I can do something different with the tone, and the structure. I’m still feeling it out. I’m also working on a follow-up manuscript of postcard stories, furthering a line begun with the publication of my debut collection of short short stories, The Uncertainty Principle: stories, (Ottawa ON: Chaudiere Books, 2014). I step into that manuscript every so often, but am not in any particular hurry, there.

There are numerous other projects in various states of incompleteness, which I would like to focus on, but I might have to wait until the fall before I can consider any of that. I mean, I’ve a post-mother creative non-fiction manuscript, “The Last Good Year,” that could use reworking. I’m half-through a poetry manuscript, “snow day,” currently made up of two longer prose poems (I haven’t yet decided on what the potential third section might look like). I’ve multiple unpublished manuscripts of literary essays that could use some attention, and re-shaping, for potential publication.

  There is so much more that needs to be done.

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: rob mclennan Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[awkwardlyamusing-blog]

Dog Gone Problems: 18-month-old Goldendoodle doesn't respect its 14-year-old owner | Momaha.com

New Post has been published on http://doggietrainingclasses.com/dog-gone-problems-18-month-old-goldendoodle-doesnt-respect-its-14-year-old-owner-momaha-com/

Dog Gone Problems: 18-month-old Goldendoodle doesn't respect its 14-year-old owner | Momaha.com

Dog Gone Problems is a weekly advice column by David Codr, a dog behaviorist in Omaha. David answers dog behavior questions sent in by our readers. You can reach him at dogbehaviorquestions@gmail.com.

I have an 18-month-old Goldendoodle who is a very kind and loving dog. My family’s intent is for him to work as a therapy dog. The problem is I am a 14-year-old small girl who this dog doesn’t respect at all. I feel like I have tried everything. My family has hired behaviorists and trainers. I walk him 30 minutes a day — morning and night — and I train him for 10 minutes after each one of those walks. No matter what I do, he doesn’t respect me. However, he respects the rest of my family. All my dad has to do is walk in the room and he will drop whatever he has. It’s the same with my brothers, who are 11- and 16-years-old.

The next issue is that he has possession aggression. He is very fast. He grabs everything and does not let it go (at least for me). For example, he loves socks and will swallow them. Because of this he has had to get two surgeries and has had multiple visits to the vet to induce vomiting. We have buckets with lids and locks, but he can also open doors. When he gets something to chew on and I try to take it away, he growls — a lot. Then when I try to open his jaw, he bites me.

I need help. How can I make him respect me? Is it my fault or the dog’s? 

Wow. It sounds like you have quite a few issues going on. From what you wrote, it appears you are doing some good work already. Maybe we just need to add a little fine tuning. I can share a few tips.

Let’s break your letter down into individual sections so you can focus on one thing at a time.

First, respect for dogs can be confusing. Some of the factors may be related to your age and stature. Size matters to dogs. That said, one of my former apprentices has gone on to become a dog behaviorist and she is just over 5 feet tall. So it’s something you can get past.

While the walks are great, they may not be enough. Your average dog needs an hour of exercise every day, but some dogs may need even more. From what you wrote, I’d guess your dog falls into that category. This video on creative ways to exercise dogs can help you supplement your walks with some easy indoor exercise options.

I’d look for some ways to build in compliance before your dog gets what he wants in your day-to-day life. Petting with a purpose is a wonderful way to help your dog learn to respect you as a leader and help him practice asking for things instead of telling you what to do.

Do you enforce rules with your dog? Dogs often see those who enforce rules as the leader. Enforcing rules gives you an opportunity to demonstrate your leadership in small, subtle ways multiple times a day.

I’d suggest you also start developing a strong leave it command with your dog. Once established, you can pull out high-value items and leave them on the floor when you can supervise and give the dog the leave it command. The more you repeat this, the less the dog will try to take things you want them to leave alone.

Lastly, this video includes a really easy and sneaky way to condition your dog to come to you — even when you don’t call him to come over.

Remember, training and behavior are separate. While training is awesome, I’d suggest you work more on these structural changes and behavior exercises to help your dog learn that listening and respecting you cause good things to happen.

Good luck and remember — everything you do trains your dog. Only sometimes you mean it.

Close

Despite being a senior cat at 10 years old, Baby is full of energy and mischief. Here, she dangles from a bannister in her house in Gretna.

Karen Windle, copy editor

We’re Bruce and Ernie (left). We love sneaking raw bacon off the kitchen counter, lounging around the house naked, er, without our collars and making friends with deer. (The deer *love* to play tag, but for some reason we’re always “it.”) 

Katy Glover, online editor

Buster can put a smile on your face like no one else, including those of neighbors who spot him dragging me along on a walk or run. Unfortunately, this high-energy guy recently has been sidelined by the doggie version of a torn ACL and subsequent knee surgery. He could use a little boost, so I’m nominating him for the OWH Pet Parade.

Julie Anderson, news reporter

At left is Clyde. He’s a dog. He’s 2 ½. He’s deaf. At right is Pieces. He’s a cat. He’s 13. He can hear. They would like very much for you to pick them!

Brad Davis, business editor

If you’re an avid reader of the World-Herald, maybe you’ve heard of Cooper. Features reporter Chris Peters has written about raising Cooper. Here he is on the custom pallet bed his mom built for him.

Chris Peters, features reporter

At left is Daisy. Her best friend is a reindeer, who comes to visit a few weeks each year. She complains a lot to the non-magical beings she lives with, for obvious reasons. At right is Diaz. He’s a handsome  boy who doesn’t care about that. He loves walks and belly rubs, all people, most dogs, one cat, and zero racoons and opossums. 

Rich Mills, copy editor

At the Ducey Farm in Dundee, we have the blackshirt gals who guard the back yard (Mary Stewart and Victoria Holt), and the chickens who help me garden (Brooklyn and Penny). They produce eggs and inspire pillows for the cutest and most fashionable dogs in the world (Phoebe, Gigi and cousin Tyson), who love to bark at the feral cats (Bunny and Butterscotch) who live outside and have matching tails!

Marjie Ducey, reporter

Gator likes eating snackies, expertly posing for pictures, getting floof everywhere and borking (not barking) at neighbor dogs.

Cory Gilinsky, features (and Sarah Jarecki, civilian)

Gracie the border collie and Beau the red heeler like long walks and frequent car rides, especially to drive-thrus that give treats. 

Deb Shanahan, metro desk editor, and Kent Sievers, photographer

Isabel doesn’t enjoy her humans (especially the little ones) a lot, but sometimes likes a good chin scratch. Mostly she enjoys being left alone to sit on top of the piano and watch the birds outside.

Kevin Coffey, music critic

Izzy is 6 months old. She likes to chase her tail (and often catches it), climb up couches (and people), and bother Zake. Zake is 15 years old and unsure of Izzy. After all, Izzy has the high ground.

Zach Tegler, copy desk

Jameson may be named after whiskey, but this five-year-old gal is all sweetness. At first skittish after being rescued from a farm in Oklahoma, now her favorite hobby is stealing hearts — and covers.​

Laurel Foster, online

We say Juni found us after my wife was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. This little Havaton brings our family joy, love and snuggles every day.​

Jeff Robb, news reporter/data geek

Laika is, hands down, the happiest dog at the dog park. She is named after the heroic Russian cosmonaut dog, one of the first animals in space. Ciara loves to pray. When she joins our family in prayer, she sounds like Scooby Doo. She is fiercely loyal and protective.

Susan Szalewski, copy editor and news reporter

Lolo was adopted seven years ago in Louisiana. She’s a mutt, and we think she’s part nutria, otherwise known as a swamp rat.

Hunter Paniagua, digital sports coordinator

Minerva is a very hard worker. Two-year-old “Minnie” likes to spend her time cleaning, inspecting boxes and bird watching. (And looking adorable.)

Brandon Olson, digital content hub editor

Molly, a rat-terrier Chihuahua from NHS, loved everyone she met. She was an excellent high jumper and cuddler and gave us joy for 17 years. She died in April.

Betsie Freeman, features reporter

Nellie is a 10-year-old tabby cat who is more like 5 years old at heart. She enjoys sleeping in fresh, warm laundry, eating, chasing lasers and listening to stories with best friend, 4-year-old Sam.​

Ashlee Coffey, Momaha.com editor

This is Oliver. He has three legs and a bullet permanently lodged in him. (We didn’t put it there). He pretends like he’s surly and tough but deep down he’s very snuggly.

Roseann Moring, political reporter

Eighteen-year-old cat

Loves tuna, SBH and

A fireside nap

Sarah Baker Hansen, features, and Matthew Hansen, columnist

I’m Sasha. I was a stray in Oklahoma (where my ear was somehow torn) before a shelter rescued me & treated my heartworm. I just tested negative for heartworm, yay! I really like to play dead & get belly rubs!

Alia Conley, news reporter

Slugger, owned by the original Pet Parade Petitor in Chief and saved by Big Red Rescue in Omaha, chases his tail faster to his right than to his left. He ate a hole in the blinds to watch his owner come and go.

Steven Elonich, online editor

Toby is a 4-year-old Rhodesian Ridgeback mix with a big personality. Given the protective tendencies of his breed, he’s very serious about watching over his property — and his owners. Until he isn’t.

Dave Elsesser, features editor, and RyAnne Elsesser

Toothpick loves biting bare legs, gazing longingly at birds outside and dipping his paw into bags of Spicy Nacho Doritos so he can lick off the Doritos dust (which his owners know is gross and bad but are powerless to stop). ​

Erin Duffy, news reporter

Boston Terriers, Willow, 8, and Dexter, 6, have a closet full of costumes, sweaters, scarves and even some pajamas. They only sit this nicely for photos because there are LOTS of treats involved – but really – they are crazy little puppies!

Tammy Yttri, copy desk chief

Nine years ago, we found Zed roaming the earth (it was a ruff life). He’s a good boy. He likes his toy lobster, pepperonis (which we call pupperonis) and keeping up with his fans at Zedwin.org. 

Graham Archer, digital editor

Hi, my name is Zeus, I an eight-year-old American Eskimo looking to get back in the game. They say I am fixed, but I think my only problem is you aren’t in my life. I love long walks and treats. I want someone to chase squirrels with.  Won’t you paw right?

Chris Machian, photographer

‘); }

Source link Dog Training Tips

[conflictandscotchblog]

Redefining Your Purpose in Your Life by KLC

After all we have been through (more on that later…I am working my way backward), I

have taken the positive approach to what has happened. My mom always said, what will

be, will be. I take that to heart. I know I can be somewhat anxious or stressed at times,

right? [Long awkward pause of silence]. Okay, well “somewhat” could be the

understatement of the year. However, when one knows all we have been through, the

word I keep hearing is resilience. People cannot believe how normal and happy we seem

even when we keep getting bad news.

On Sunday, June 24, my husband and I went out to lunch. In two days, we could finally

announce that we were expecting. After all the disappointments (again, more on that

later), we wanted one last peek at the baby before officially shouting it from the rooftops. I

have been open about all our obstacles and struggles. I did not lie if someone asked if I

was pregnant. I felt sort of, well, superstitious. I felt anyone I told could tell anyone they

wanted to that we were finally expecting. However, I felt if I said anything, eek. My

husband, I thought, felt the same way…cautiously optimistic. My husband refused to

even discuss baby names until that June 26 appointment and yet I was receiving emails

daily from wives of his friends sending their congratulations. The man that would not

discuss baby names was having a hard time keeping it quiet. At the same time, I was

having nightmares that we had a two (2) year old we were calling “baby” because we had

never discussed baby names and have different tastes in names.

It was truly a miracle we were even pregnant when we had been told it would never

happen. I felt perfectly fine during the first trimester other than suffering through my very

first migraine and having anxiety while driving. No morning sickness whatsoever. Yet, we

were cautious. I would have been 13 weeks along by the time we announced it. We were

finally allowing ourselves to start to get excited. This was really happening. The nursery

had been ready since 2008.

After lunch, we went shopping. No surprise there. My husband will never admit this, but

he is a bit of a diva. “He likes him some shopping.” I, personally, do not like it. I like new

clothes, but I completely understand those that have personal shoppers. As we were

walking in to Kohl’s, I felt a slight cramp on my left side. I actually said out loud, “Cramp.

Odd. Have not felt one of those in months.” We went about our business and on the drive

home, I actually said to my husband that it was “safe now” and asked him to give me

ONE name he liked. I said I felt like it was a girl, so I asked him many times over on the

ride home to give me one girl name he liked. Finally, he said… Sarah Elizabeth. Gasp!

My husband finally said a name. As thrilling as that was, I had to respond “veto”.

Although Sarah was my grandmom’s name, and Elizabeth is lovely as well, there was no

way this Big Ten mommy was having her child’s initials be SEC. I was on to him. I saw

where this UGA daddy-to-be was going.

When we got home, I went to use the “loo”, the powder room, the ladies. Blood. I tried to

remain calm and actually walked downstairs with my shorts around my knees telling my

husband I was bleeding. I called the doctor and they told me to get off my feet

immediately, drink a lot of fluids and to call in the morning if I was still feeling bad. At 4:00

a.m. the backside pain and cramping were so bad, I woke up my husband. I teared up a

bit because I knew. I just knew it and yet I never saw this coming. I told my husband I

simply did not feel well. I was trying to clue him in with a gentle manner. We called the

doctor again and they said to call at 8:30 when they open. They open at 8:00, actually.

That annoyed me a bit. At about 7:15 a.m., my husband said, “This is stupid. Let’s just go

in.”

We arrived at the doctor’s office, and for an ob-gyn’s office in a hospital, I can honestly

say I am amazed they were so shocked to see a “walk-in” as the staff kept calling me. I

had been going to my doctor for over fifteen years and referred dozens of women to her. I

love my doctor. My doctor had even seen a friend the prior day and the friend said the

doctor and she were talking about my pregnancy and the doctor said about me, “I just

love her!” Now, at this moment, at 8:00 a.m. on a Monday morning and after two calls

overnight about a possible miscarriage, I was “the walk-in”. So, we sat and waited…and

waited….and waited. Finally the walk-in and her husband were invited back for an

ultrasound….with two other very pregnant couples. Wait. It gets better.

The six of us were seated in a small u-shaped room with just enough room for six people.

I felt like saying to the other two couples, “Guess which of these things is not like the

other.” As the other very pregnant couples on either side of us kissed and canoodled, I

realized that the biggest oversight in medicine is not having a separate waiting area for

women that have miscarried. My husband and I could not have been deeper into our

phones. I think they could at least have handed us horse blinders, no? To make matters

worse, the other two couples were called in for their ultrasounds first. No rush. I am only

in pain and hemorrhaging. I kept thinking of Brian Regan’s bit about driving himself to the

ER when he was ill and the ER had no valet parking. “No. After you. Everybody merge. I

am only imploding.”

When it was our turn, my husband sat in a chair next to the exam table. On the other side

of me was the tech. The tv screen was behind her. I could see the screen but my

husband could not see over me and the tech. I briefly looked at the screen and there was

nothing. Just a blob. No little whoosh whoosh, no blinking light. The tech softly said,

“There is no heartbeat.” Her job kind of (pardon me) sucks. Can you imagine how she felt

to tell me that on a Monday morning? To my left, where my husband was sitting, silence. I

could see he was sitting with his head down. “Honey? Did you hear that?” “No. What?”

“There is no heartbeat.” More silence. I got dressed and suddenly the walk-in is the most

popular, beloved patient in the office. They ushered us into another exam room. My

doctor was at another office that day so we saw her partner that had to confirm the

diagnosis. As I stripped down and waited on the table, my husband went into the

attached private bath. Thinking no one could hear him, he called his parents. I heard, “I

don’t have good news. We lost the baby today. We are still at the doctor. Ok. Bye.” When

he emerged, his eyes were red and watery.He said, “Well, that went well. They burst into

tears.” (I don’t think the apple fell far from the tree that day).

I have only seen him cry twice in 13 years. When I proposed (yes, you read that right. A

story for another time) and when we had to put his beloved border collie Hope to sleep

after fifteen years (also another blog for another day). He slumped down in the chair as

we waited for the doctor to enter.

If there is anything I am good at, which is surprising given my anxiety history, it is being

positive and calm in the midst of bad news. As I told him, this was not the end of the

world. We could try again. All we ever wanted was a healthy child and, as my mom said,

be careful what you wish for. This baby obviously was not healthy. It could have been so

much worse. We could have gone nine months only to have the child be sick, stillborn or

die young, like my boss. He lost his son this year to cancer at nine years old. There are

so many bigger problems in life. He looked up at me with those red, wet eyes and said, “I

don’t think I can do this anymore.”

The doctor then entered the room in surgical scrubs. Turns out a woman was in labor in

the next room. One life ends and another begins. I do believe that. My boss lost his son

and when I was pregnant three months later, he was the most thrilled for me. At any rate,

Dr. K examined me. I literally jumped when he touched me on the leg. I actually said, “It is

not like I have not done this before. I have no idea why I am so jumpy. My yahoo has

never seen so much action.” [I was referring to all the specialists, doctors and tests I had

to go through to verify that I was able to have children.] The doctor apologized over and

over again….to me. He was very focused on me. He said we had proven our fertility –

that we can indeed get pregnant and could do so again. The doctor was in front of me to

my left and my husband was in front of me to my right. The doctor kept asking me if I am

okay and giving me condolences. I think he probably thought I was mentally ill as I

smiled, said I was fine, nodded and kept darting my eyes in the direction of my husband.

See, I have always felt that if I remain strong, it helps those I love that are hurting. I did

that when my mom died – thinking it would help my dad and brother. I really have no

anger. Not about this or anything. The only thing that can make me angry is seeing

people I love hurt. At that moment, it was all about my husband. My best friend said to

me, “I am sure the doctor was shocked by your calm, positive demeanor. Can you

imagine what he has seen when he has to tell a woman she has just miscarried?”

The doctor talked about the next few days, what to expect, etc. We were planning to

leave the next week on one big babymoon to finally celebrate after nine years of

adoptions, doctors, tests. We splurged big time, but it had to be postponed, like most of

the things in our lives the past nine years due to being totally engrossed in the possibility

of becoming parents.

 When we got in the car to drive home with the baby still inside me, I called my dad and

his wife. Then, I turned my attention back to my husband. His eyes remained the same.

He was so handsome, quiet, and focused on the road. I asked him if he was sad. He said

yes. My husband may be a man of few words, but eventually the flood gates open. I said,

“Do we need to talk about this?” He responded, “About what?” I replied, “I don’t know. I mean, we have never been through this before so I don’t really know what to say.” Then,

the flood gates opened a crack:”I don’t know how many more red flags I can take. Are we

not supposed to have a child? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I want to forget this

whole thing happened. I don’t want to talk about adoptions or doctors or specialists or

babies for at least two months. It has been nine years of disappointment.”

I have since respected his request. Physically, I am on the mend. We postponed our

babymoon and went on it a few weeks later, but this time it was to heal. We flew first

class, hiked, exercised, swam, read, and I honestly think it was the best vacation of our

lives. I had not flown first class since my mom died 18 years ago. My dad loaded my

brother and I on a plane, first class, to Las Vegas. My husband and I were now off to do

the same. A week in Las Vegas first class grief style. I recommend a first class trip for

everyone at least once every 18 years. Splurge. Life is short and you cannot take it ($)

with you.

Now we are home. I am back at work. I am doing all of the things I need to be doing. I

have never miscarried before. I chose to be proactive and I immediately scheduled a visit

to a therapist. We had to see therapists before, as a requirement numerous times during

our quest for a baby, for adoption agencies and for the medical specialists. I went on

medicine the day of my miscarriage to thwart any hormonal mood swings that may be

coming my way. I don’t have a mom here to talk to anymore. I have never miscarried. I

still have no idea what is “normal” or what to expect. I wanted to take the bull by the

horns. There is no shame in making sure you are healthy and doing what you need to do

to stay that way. Writing is another way that I am healing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have had a few moments. Like when we were told nine years ago

that we probably could not have children, I cried for about five minutes on my way home

from work. I was at exit 7. I remember it clearly. I had a mini pity party and then said, to

myself alone in the car, “People dying of cancer would love to have your problem.” I had

a moment like that before the hospital wheeled me in for my d and c (a procedure to

remove the baby). I tear up now just thinking of that moment I had at the hospital. I am

sort of a delayed griever. It is as if I need to take care of everyone else around me, and

then later, it will hit me. I don’t think it has really hit me yet that we lost our baby. The

baby was sent off for tests. What happened was, as the doctors put it after everything we

have been through, “a very expensive fluke”. It is no one’s fault. That part is important to

remember so I will write it again. It is no one’s fault.

We meet with the specialist “Tressel” (He looks like former OSU coach Jim Tressel) next

week to get his thoughts on the possibilities and if we can emotionally handle this again.

He is “the” guy in Atlanta. He told us we could get pregnant when no one said it was

possible. He is the medical director of the entire facility and the staff could not be more

positive and comforting. They blow the experiences we have had with adoption agencies

out of the water. This last attempt at a child was going to be the last hurrah. Now, I don’t

know. I am fine either way. When one person asked me if we were going to try again, my

response was, “I will do whatever my husband wants.” If he wants to try again, I will do it

for my husband. It is totally and completely up to him. I have never been a wife to say no

to my husband. By that (get your minds out of the gutter), I mean that if he loves it, we wil lmake it happen whether that be a new car, a new dog, a new tile floor, a baby. If he is

happy, I am happy. I have faith that everything will work out, no matter what the future

holds. If you have your health, you have everything (quote courtesy of my father).

For those of you that don’t know me well, it has never been about giving birth. I am

missing that gene. I have always been about motherhood. It does not matter to me how it

happens. It does not biologically have to be mine. Kind of like, I was never about the

wedding but more about the marriage. I choose not to be angry. I choose to take the

cards we have been dealt and turn them into something positive. I don’t know what that is

yet, but I know that anger solves nothing. I prefer to channel that energy into something

that makes me feel good inside. I choose to be happy. I felt happy when my friend said to

me, “Well, now your mom has her grandbaby on her lap in heaven.” I never even thought

of that until she said it. Instead of being angry, I prefer to think my mom missed me and

wanted a little part of me with her. We found out last week our baby was a girl.

My therapist suggested that I start writing again. Thanks to my loving sorority sisters and

friends that bought me an ipad, I can now do so. I will try to make them (and anyone who

reads this) proud. The therapist thought writing would be very helpful for me to heal from

this nine year journey. He said for nine years, I have been focused on this one goal. Now

that the goal may not be achieved (and I dislike failure – my mom never let me say hate),

I have to redefine my purpose in life. It is like I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis. If I am

not going to be a mom, what am I going to do to make a difference in this world? Is this

all there is (meaning work, commute, home, sleep, work, commute, home, sleep)? I tear

up thinking I may be an 80 year old widow (I guess I assume my husband will go first due

to his love of salt and redmeat?) in a nursing home with no children and no one to come

to my funeral.

I also do feel a bit like Julie and Julia. Although I am not cooking every night, I will be

working on my blog. I know how Julie felt in the movie when she had one follower of her

blog…her mom. I am sure mine will be my dad – if he can figure out the computer. I hope

my readers and followers will go with me on this journey as I redefine my purpose in life.

Until next time, socks.

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

 This blog was first published on Monday, August 06, 2012

To Read KLCs newest post, click here…