#and said that I couldn't go to a store rn without buying liquor | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

there-will-be-a-way · 1 year ago

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Three days sober and the cravings are getting stronger. Out of fear of impulsively buying alcohol and downing it in a park or something, I only leave the ward together with my roommate - which shows I'm acting responsible I guess.

On the inside I've been thinking about numbing myself like half of every waking hour, though (today). Like discharging myself. Just telling them I'm fine. Nope, I don't have any thoughts about S/I anymore. You can let me go. Or contemplating what would happen if I'd really just go to the store and get fully wrecked. That would cause so much drama. 75% is very keen on not doing it. The other 25% don't care.

Right now I feel like I'll certainly relapse once I'm home. Even want to turn down their offer to take me as a patient for their day clinic (and coming up with excuses for that inside my head). And since I think I'll relapse anyway, waiting another 7-10 days until I'm discharged feels like such a long time.

But my healthy self is still here too, and this self says "Stay here for these 7-10 days. Take this time as a chance to find a reason you want to stay sober for. Talk some more. Reflect on yourself."

The problem is with self worth. I really don't think I'm worth the help and care - especially not the help and care of others. (And yes, logically I know that's not true but my emotions don't care about logic.)

[Typing this to distract myself. Only 1 hour until I can take my sleep meds and tomorrow will be a different day 🤞🏻]

#personal posts #I was honest with my doctor yesterday #and said that I couldn't go to a store rn without buying liquor #and I go to all the group therapy and other appointments #it just feels like I haven't hit rock bottom hard enough though #you know what I mean?#it's been this way with my ED and with my self harm as well #I always knew I had a problem.#and seeked help pretty early on (at least for the s/h)#but in order to develop the high amount of will power you need to stop for real #I had to sink really low #like really low #I had to be utterly frightened #drama had to happen #only then the 'click' happened #with alcohol this click hasn't happened yet and I don't know if I can do it without it #I *thought* it happened when things went out of control #but somehow it didn't scare me badly enough #maybe because my life isn't worth much to me rn #maybe I need to work on that #self worth and finding some kind of purpose #maybe tomorrow I'll text my social worker about it #because I need to trust someone in order to talk about this topic and I haven't developed that kind of trust with the staff here yet #oh well #tw addiction #tw self harm mention #tw Ed mention #tw suicidal ideation mention #and yes I know it's normal to struggle with The Urges #especially since I'm only three days sober lol

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