#and remind myself how much progress I've made since the blog was started

[sondersketches]

Sonder Sketch (June 6, 2024), Prompt: Front

This is a digital sketch/painting done using what I know is an oil paint brush of some kind and a pen brush. It was drawn on the free Sketches app on Android with a phone stylus, for a prompt from the Sketch a Day app/site that provides daily drawing prompts and has a nice community.

The prompt was front. Most of my ideas were too abstract for me to figure out how I could draw them in my style, but ducks trying to race each other to the front of the line for swimming time I knew I could pull off. The ducklings are wearing hats to more easily differentiate them, so it doesn't feel as much like I drew the same animal three times. I practiced with some color blending using the digital oil paint, practiced with cartoon animal proportions, and tried to capture movement in the ducklings themselves.

I like how the flowers came out, how the ducks ended up being shaped -- especially how clear it is that their tails are tails and their wings are wings, even if they're technically too big for ducklings, and the tiny hats. I got compliments from my friends on the tiny hats, and I'm proud of that.

[nerdygaymormon]

This conference was really hard for me and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Pres Nelson and Oaks' talks really made me reevaluate my place in the church and whether or not I want to be here anymore as a queer person. It just feels like everyone just wants us to leave so they can go on pretending the plan of salvation isn't presented in a way that writes out lgbtq people and does so cheerfully.

I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I tried to explain to my older sister in her late twenties that what president nelson said was hurtful, she told me that "well if food is your god, then you are offending the lord because it should just be Jesus. addiction is when something replaces god for you" which made me feel really discouraged and ashamed. Even though I know having an addiction isn't like that logically it still stung. I don't know. Basically I just want to say thanks for being honest about conference because I can't be at home. You're words have brought me a lot of comfort.

Back in the day I used to read blogs of queer Mormons, and they usually followed a similar arc. They were newly home from their mission and then had to grapple with the fact their queerness didn't go away. Things would start very faithful with a commitment to always be an active member, and would progress to them being more critical of the church and then no more entries.

Those blogs meant a lot to me because there was someone like me, but their story wasn't the same as mine.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to write honestly about what it's like to exist in this space. I thought that one day historians would be interested in what it was like to be a queer person living through this period of LDS history. What did queer people at that time think, feel, and experience? What surprised me is that some currently-living people were interested in what I share.

It's always tempting to put a positive spin on things, to present myself in the best light, like I have everything figured out, but that's not reality. Sharing about being suicidal, crying about how hard therapy was for my social anxiety, my experience with reparative therapy, and how I was hurt by something said in General Conference are very much a part of this experience of being a queer Latter-day Saint, that's why I write about them in my blog.

Sometimes I worry I'm being too raw, too open, too negative, that I share too much. Your message is a good reminder that it's important to be honest so that we can see we aren't alone. Our stories have power! The power to help each other and the power to change the hearts of others.

———————————————————

I'm sorry you don't have family who you can talk to about these things. I don't either. Having a few close friends I can message about hard things is important to me and I hope you have some in your life.

———————————————————

What was said about eternal marriage isn't new, and I've built up some callouses to it, but to have it emphasized like it was in General Conference still hurts, especially how President Nelson linked queerphobic statements with "think Celestial."

Calling people sinners because they deal with mental health issues, like eating disorders, was unexpected and pierced me as I hadn't built up my guard against such rhetoric. Since I shared my reaction on social media, I've received many comments like your sister's.

President Nelson was a heart surgeon. Would he believe that people with heart issues were offending God, that they were worshiping their heart problem instead of God? What the heck?!! It doesn't make sense. Many people dealing with hard things turn to God for help.

I'm pretty sure God wants to help heal us. I don't think our personal trials offend Him. If anything, He hurts with us and for us. Jesus invites healing, not shame.

These "addictions" that President Nelson attacked are ways a person's mind and body try to cope with hard things. My mental health challenges come from being a queer Latter-day Saint and are ways my body & mind have coped with the emotional trauma and dissonance. So many queer folks have eating disorders and anxiety disorders. I'm glad our bodies protect us from worse consequences, but it sucks that this is a common result for queer people who try to be religious. Most non-queer members don't recognize there is a high cost to be paid by us, and I want them to know these are the fruits of the anti-queer teachings and policies

Please know you are loved. There is an online community of queer Mormons who know what you're feeling and who are pulling for you. If you need help, there are resources

please visit these if you are queer and need help:

Only to age 24: @trevorproject@utahtrevorproject (Utah) @encircletogether (Utah)

In Utah: @flourishtherapyinc @celebratetherapy

Active LDS: @liftandloveorg (national&online)

National: @glaad @988lifeline (involves law enforcement)

[mdhwrites]

Oh. That's Not Good.

Someone brought up in my Discord praising how Luz has a negative character arc. The comments claimed that she broke the hero's journey goes off to scream at how wrong that is and how her arc was amazing and...

I got so angry that I gave myself a headache and made my eyes hurt.

I just hate Luz at this point. Luz is what broke the show initially for me after all because she's just a bad person. Unlike people who ACTUALLY try to subvert the Hero's Journey though, the show doesn't acknowledge she's a bad person. It excuses and wants you to sympathize with EVERY mistake she makes after Yesterday's Lie which is when Luz stops being a genuinely very common, basic ass cartoon protagonist. That is NOT a break in the hero's journey or brave storytelling, that's just ramping up the stakes, something I still think the show utterly fails at except through narrative cheats.

I want to remind everyone that a large part of why I've had to stop writing TOH fanfiction is because my brain couldn't let me write Luz for romance. Literally during a one off I was writing, my brain went, "That's out of character. She wouldn't care that much. She wouldn't be asking these questions and she wouldn't be inconveniencing herself." And this was BEFORE I started analyzing the show. Before I stopped watching it. But it WAS after Reaching Out, the episode I think most assassinates both Luz and Amity's characters and frankly killed canon Lumity for me, even if I didn't want to admit it at the time.

This isn't a normal analysis blog. I'm not trying to really teach with this. There's SO MUCH to learn from Luz's failings after all that I could but this feels more in line with the whole ten years reflection thing. After all, it's been almost two years since Reaching Out. I haven't finished a project in a year and a half. What do pretty much all of those projects have in common?

They were still trying to do Lumischa, despite one third of that equation being broken for my brain. I do wonder if it's why last night, I found a conversion edit of one of the kinkiest stories I've ever written so easy. It's as far away from Lumity and TOH as I could possibly get after all. And... Maybe that's just what I need to do if I have this subconcious anger about Luz.

That sucks. I don't like admitting it but... It's kind of just how it might need to be for me.

Edit: The fanfic this happened during, for those curious.

======+++++======

For those potentially going "Which of your stories are you converting": None that I have publicly published. This was a 35k story I wrote four years ago during the kinkiest year of my writing (then followed up by a sapphic erotica story before starting the last three years of no erotica from me) and was one that when I finished it in like four days I went "I bet I could convert this because I'm actually kind of proud of it." And then I never got to that but did remember it yesterday and made actually some decent progress on it. Will I finish? Shrug But again, maybe it's the sort of change of pace I need.

Also no tags because this is more a vent than analysis and I don't feel like tagging that.

[woelfin-sheeps-clothing]

Just found your blog after popping into the J&D tag for the first time in a while and you're doing FANTASTIC work for this tiny fandom, especially with Dark Jak and Jaxter content! Us fans are getting FED :D

Hi there! I'm so sorry that I've taken this long to reply. Your message absolutely made my day when I received it, thank you so, so much! Believe me, I'm also getting a great deal of enjoyment out of all the Dark Jak art I've been making too. 😆

The Jak and Daxter fandom could not have come into my life at a better point in time. What started as me glancing up at what my husband was playing on the PlayStation gradually evolved into a very profound appreciation for the story and the characters, as well as the crucial chunk of videogame history Jak and Daxter became a part of. I absolutely fell in love with Jak's character come Jak II and watched a lot more closely when my husband started to play. I loved how he had a lot of moments of rash decisions and impulses and selfish behaviors, and the way he'd watch Daxter when Daxter was speaking with the edge of his lip curling up ever so slightly. He very much reminded me of myself when I was being a very difficult teenager and butting heads with just about everyone in my life. 😂

I'd fallen into a weird art rut I couldn't get out of, between being tired all the time and a lot of nonsense at work that was beginning to become nonstop (still is, if anyone wants THAT story), to the point I wasn't really happy with anything I was making, my progression as an artist was stalling, and I flat out was just not creating much of anything anymore. Then one day I got the weird urge to draw Dark Jak being sassy, and for the first time in a while I found that I couldn't put my tablet down. I just had to finish. I was excited to be done with chores because I wanted to get right back to working on the piece. I found myself learning new art tricks and falling in love with lineart and cell shading again and not feeling compelled to have a more painterly style. And then when I was done? All I could think of is "I gotta do that again". There was no waffling for three days on some half baked sketches, no avoiding creating because I'd inevitably be stuck. I knew what I wanted to make, and I knew how I was going to make the next one better with all the things I'd learned in the first one.

It's been exactly a month since I finished that first piece, and for the first time in a long while I can look back and see how much I created, be it simple sketches or a fully fleshed piece. That hasn't happened to me in such a long time that the past month kinda feels like a fever dream. But it's helped put me in a better mental state to start trying to build a new portfolio again, to start setting things up to become more freelance than in-house. It's also changed how I view my engagement.

Is it fun to get a bunch of notes? Of course. But now when I post a JnD piece, what I'm looking forward to is not the numbers but the comments, reading all the wonderful and silly tags people leave for me. It makes me so incredibly happy, and it put me in the orbit of a lot of other wonderful people in this fandom. I've gotten to see so much wonderful and fun art from others in this fandom too, and read many absolutely awesome fics made by the same people. It's been so freaking cool to me to have this more one-on-one interaction with folks that I never got with other fandoms. When I make stuff, not only is it making me happy to make it, but in the back of my mind I'm also going "I can't wait till x sees this!"

Sorry if this got way too TMI or drawn out, but please let me say with all of my heart thank you @whisker-biscuit , and thank you to everyone else's who's left fun comments and tags on my stuff these past few weeks. This has made the start of the year so unbelievably incredible to me in ways I didn't foresee, and I'm very thankful for it. I'm hopeful about my artistic future in ways I have been in a while, and it means the absolute world to me.

[rozinaaa]

Going Too Far, Too Quick

Although I've mentioned previously that I've been working on The Odin Project for quite some time now (mainly between late July to mid October of this year), I realise that I've gone too far with it in such a short amount of time, because although it sounds good in theory, it's not that great in practice, especially for something that's as complex as web development, which usually requires a lot of brain power.

There's a few reasons for this, with the main ones being the fact that I've been eagerly trying to realise my unrealistic ambitions from a few years ago, as well as trying my hand at landing any type of developer job, simply because it seems lucrative and will stop me from having to rely on expensive but limiting website builders most the time.

Additionally, the community surrounding this (especially on Discord) focuses a lot on making progress through the curriculum, which comes with good intentions, but it's all too easy to end up comparing yourself to others and wanting to fly through the foundations as fast as possible, so that it's easier to understand the more advanced technical jargon, and to create things that are actually functional and much more interesting than a simple Hello World program.

The mistake I've made with all of this is that I've expected everything to happen overnight, and expecting myself to instantly know about something, even if I'm just learning about it for the very first time, which is just a recipe for disaster, burnout, and a ridiculous amount of headaches.

On top of that, I've accidentally spent more time socialising and being on Discord (not inherently a bad thing, since I've learned quite a bit of transferrable skills from there) than actually putting in the hours of understanding everything enough to be able to have the confidence to do a task without feeling intimidated by it, and at the end of the day, putting in the hours and being consistent is very important.

For the record, I've completed 89% of the Foundations course, but I don't know how to progress and finish it effectively, other than choosing to either plow through it all, making myself become extremely overwhelmed with anything to do with web development, retain next to nothing about anything that I've learned, and vow to never even think about web development ever again (even though I'll still end up thinking about it anyway), or I can choose to start over, actually document my learning process (ideally on a separate blog, since it will make things a lot easier, and so that it's easier to refer back to everything instead of writing a weekly check in post that will inevitably get buried as more messages come flooding in) where I'd highlight my struggles, my successes, as well as my problems, showing my thinking (in other words, showing my workings out to achieving a desired goal within a project), and generally having something that's tangible, which will make it easier to show what I've actually done in public, which could potentially allow me to become a somewhat better developer.

I say all this, and it reminds me of the hare and the tortoise, because although it feels like you're making a lot of progress at first, you'll eventually burn out, but if you do a little bit at a time, you'll remain consistent, which will make it easier to achieve any goals.

So, instead of trying to cram a lot of things in one go, it probably makes much more sense to go through everything meticulously (potentially with a fine toothed comb, but doing it in a way to stop overthinking, which is often easier said than done), and working at it a little bit each day (honestly, about half an hour each day would be more than enough, since that seems somewhat achievable), which will hopefully make it easier to understand new technical concepts without feeling like my mind's about to explode.

I plan to do this in the New Year since it's easier to start something new at that moment in time, and so that I can at least figure out a small plan within the next couple of weeks before diving right in.

As for now, my current plan with tackling The Odin Project is to just leave it for now and to start it freshly and all over again in the New Year, where I document my learning journey (in the form of a blog similar to what this one was like when I first started it), so that I can actually understand concepts instead of just passively reading about it.

Anyway, here's to doing small things often.

[crimsoncold]

Art Update...

aka I'm alive and I really have been making art

So times like this when I have 10+ works in progress I start to feel like I'm pushing myself way too hard to be productive while simultaneously getting absolutely nothing done.

This general sense of frustration/disappointed with myself is made worse since I have...

a) spent several weeks on the road, with minimal opportunity for completing or posting any art (my jonsa Halloween piece was a miracle completed in a single day during a feverish state of a major post trip crash while I binge watched a bunch of horror movies- fanatically determined to speed run my enjoyment of October in the day or two I got to actually celebrate the Halloween season)

And

b) have been facing both miserably cold weather (if I wear any more layers when I go outside I will become so immobile that I'll have to rely on my dogs to pull me through the snow when we go for a walk) , a significant lack of daylight (seriously 4 pm is just an obscenely early time for sunset), and some of the same overarching sense of dread/disappointment in the the state of world that I imagine many others have been feeling

So to once again make this blog my happy space, give everyone an update, to hype myself up to feeling excited about completing/sharing some art- or just to remind myself that I've actually accomplished a lot in the last 4 months despite not having posted much- Im gonna give a brief list of what art I'm nearly finshed/ready to post...

1. First on the menu are some older completed works that I plan to post in the next couple days since i found a bunch of really old (and somewhat obscure) character portraits I did- (back when I was drawing on some old- and now defunct- version of my phone's notes app)

I briefly considered redoing these now that I have access to better digital drawing programs but I actually really like them as is, so that's how I'm going to post them... these are shamelessly self indulgent character portraits from some of my all time favorit book series,

I will be pleasantly shocked if anyone has heard of these characters but I loved making them and seeing them makes me desperately want to reread these series again so I'm genuinely happy about posting them for me and like the 2 other people on this website who know/ love these characters as much as I do (so i guess these portraits will double as book recs? Should i add a brief synopsis of these books to encourage people to check them out or should I just release them into the wild as is?)

2. I have a 90% completed portrait of Sansa with Lady which I just began earlier this week and have made excellent progress on -that I intend to post as soon as I'm finished

(It can be fun to challenge myself to incorporate different things in my art that I struggle with or at least tend to overlook in favour of other elements and as someone who only occasionally has incorporated animals into their work- depressingly the only ones that come to mind have all been the odd memorial portrait of beloved pets that I've made for family members over the years- i was pleasantly satisfied with my attempt in making an animal a major focal point in a fanart pieces.

I'm tentatively interested in doing other stark kids + their direwolves pieces (i know I know its been done countless times but what's the point of participating in fandom if not to dwell on/recreate/transform the same things over and over again for the same group of dedicated weirdos) but that plan will have to take to back seat for a bit while I finish up a different series of asoiaf art...

3. Lastly comes my major project from the last couple if months, a New Stark Family portrait series (this time based on book canon)

Been very in my stark family feels lately, feeling inspired by the many incredible artworks, metas, fanedits, and videos this fandom generates about these characters (because really who doesn't feel like appreciating a deeply loving but still mildly and fascinatingly dysfunctional family or you know having ones heart ripped out over the tragedies befalling an iconic/beloved group of fictional characters)

I have so far failed to get any of this series posted initailly because had decided I wanted them all to be (mostly) finished before I started posting rather than risk abandoning this idea half way (so like holding my completed artwork hostage to motivate me to complete the rest? ldk it made sense at the time).

But then when I had completed all but two of the portraits I abruptly decided that in the future after posting these individual portraits I would of course have to take all the individual sketches and reconfigure them into a single family portrait...which meant rather than simply evaluating each piece individually to decide whether I was satisfied with them/felt they were complete I would now have to compare them to one another as well to see if they would look like they would work next to eachother in the same art piece.

Cue an extra 3 weeks of work while I endlessly fiddled with and reworked their outfits, trying to come up with outfits that resonated with how I pictured northern culture in asoiaf + seemed suitable for a formal portrait of medieval nobility in a fantasy setting, suited each individual character, would also complemented one another once put in the same scene, but also didn't look too matchy (thus reminding me of some of the hilariously awful formal family photos I've seen where everyone looks like they're trying to recreate the sound of music including curtain fabric inspired matching outfits), this part took me almost as long as the initial portraits did- seriously i must have gone through at least 4 different outfits per character

After all this reworking I have finally come up with a decent idea for the outfits and have 7/8 of the portraits essentially completed with just one left to start (its Rickon and he's like a quarter the size of everyone else so surely this won't take me that long? Crossing my fingers)... so hopefully i will be posting these throughout december and can do the group piece some time next year!

[spores-and-petals]

🌘Cosmic Rambles #1🌘

˚₊‧꒰ა . ——— ˗ˏˋ ✮ ˎˊ˗ ——— ˖ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Ari rambles, cosmic rambles- they're basically the same thing: me yapping about this project and how it's going. It kind of counts as a progress update as well, sort of!

Blame the actual comic coming out at a snail's pace on me, staying focused (and motivated) as of late is a big chore, and with college going the way it's going (long story) things ended up the way they are now: I'm halfway through line art for part 2 which has 8 pages total! Pages 1, 2, 3 and 4 are done and ready to be colored, page 5 and 8 have sketches with almost done line art, and then there's the bane of my existence: pages 6 and 7.

If anyone wondered how all of that ends up looking like in CSP:

Besides the actual pages themselves, we do work on stuff that'll help us in the long run. Since we're not completely going for what actually happened in S7, we did a bunch of changes that needed figuring out timeline wise. We knew this was gonna be a big project, but we didn't expect to have to organize as much as we ended up doing, so we went from like 3 discord chats to 8 to then making a page in Notion to keep track of everything because it was... too much LOL

Speaking of timeline... :3

OH NO, ARI CENSORED IT?! OF COURSE THEY DID!!! rai would kill me if i didnt

We have most of everything planned for the first 16 parts (roughly) and parts thumbnailed out by Rai up to (I believe) part 4 as well as other random tidbits from future parts. So progress is being made!!! I feel like this entire post is just me trying to make myself feel better because of the speed we're going at- ANYWAYS yada yada passion project

I tried to try and predict at one point how many parts this comic will actually have, and spoilers I failed miserably.

I also got really into writing as of late, I've never been good with words but it's like some kind of chemical reaction happened in my head and now I just can't stop writing things (mainly D&D related), so I sometimes write dialogue. I want to (soon) start writing dialogue for the next few parts, since for me that's faster than drawing and it counts as progress overall so it makes me feel better. So far I've written 2, the second one being pretty long and-

DAMN IT ARI YOU CENSORED IT AGAIN i am not sorry. No spoilers for u <3

I have like way more I could talk about, but this is getting lengthy and I need to milk my inner thoughts for content to feed this blog /j

Also this is your unofficial official reminder that our ask box is open and dryer than the desert and I'm a certified yapper so any questions are very welcome and will probably be answered by me (jk my lovely co-creator will answer too don't u worry ur silly lil- YOURE RAMBLING AGAIN OKAY BYE)

˚₊‧꒰ა . ——— ˗ˏˋ ✮ ˎˊ˗ ——— ˖ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Psst, don’t forget to check out the masterpost for HCSPAU if u haven’t already 👁️

-🌘✨

[tad-aima]

twenty six and a half

twenty six twenty six twenty six.

this age feels like not real? I don't know how to put it into words properly, but more than once i have answered I'm 25 years old. it's like I'm denying my real age that is 26. (or I'm just being forgetful).

so the pandemic is very much over, no? we don't have to wear masks outside most of the times and pcr or swab tests are not required for travelling anymore. the funny thing about not wearing masks, after like 3 years of wearing it every time I leave the house, is how conscious I am about my face, especially my mouth. the first time I left home without a mask, I was almost embarrassed? like I really didn't remember how it feels like to show my face to others. it took me like one or two weeks, to get used to not wearing mask. human is amazing in the way that we really just get used to things and also forget things that we used to do, and learning it again as if it was a new thing. I don't know what I'm saying.

there were some internet posts that go like "the age when a lot of people your age getting married, having a child, or getting a divorce". and I think, I'm at that age? my instagram stories are almost filled with weddings or engagement parties on the weekends. (baby posts are more sporadically, sometimes it's on wednesdays, sometimes it's on fridays. because you know people don't just have their kids on weekends. once you have kids, you have them every day.) and recently I just learned that someone my age was getting a divorce. some friends are going abroad for postgraduate school. some friends are completing marathons. some friends started building business. that made me realize that, unlike school years when most people have almost predictable life progress, life after school is really different for each person. I really need to remind myself a lot these days that I should not be comparing myself to others. each of us has different paths and different obstacles. that however is easier said than done. I think I've compared myself with others a lot these days and I did it unconsciously. it was so easy for me to feel not enough and anxious. it is only recently that I managed to get back to my old self (although that statement alone is confusing, which old self version of me that I'm trying to be? but that's a story for another day). my efforts of getting myself back include meeting up with some friends whose company I enjoy, reading books that I enjoy, listening to songs that I enjoy, and trying to completely savoring moments that I enjoy, feeling my soft pillows and listening to the sounds produced by the birds and the leaves. I think that's why it's important for us to know ourselves, so we can take care of ourselves and we can find ourselves whenever it felt like we are about to lost ourselves. that sounds like it makes sense now. we'll see whether next year-me will think the same.

other changes that happened to me is that I go to the gym more frequently now that they're open until 9 pm. some days when I feel like I have enough energy, I go to the gym after work on weekdays. I mostly use treadmill, but it's actually a progress that I go there more often hahaha. I still haven't shed the weight put on since I start living back at home, but let's not focus on that yet. all that matters is now I'm moving my body more frequently. my younger self will find this fascinating. to be honest, my current self actually feel very proud whenever I do go the the gym. I wasn't really an active person and really did have weak stamina (sometimes I feel like I still have weak stamina). the fact that I'm exercising regularly is just something my younger self wouldn't have expected.

a year is long and also not long, it depends on how we see it I guess. cheers to being 26!

this year's song: Banda Neira - Kau Keluhkan, because I sigh and complain a lot this age. and a little tmi: this blog name is inspired from this song. esok pasti jumpa. esok, tomorrow. tomorrow sounds hopeful. esok pasti jumpa

[spnfanficpond]

Pond Diving - Imagineteamfreewill

Welcome to today’s Pond Diving Spotlight! We hope that you enjoy this little insight to our members and perhaps even find some useful tips for your own writing. Happy reading!

Want to volunteer, send us an ask! We’re looking forward to learning more about all of you! Not sure what PD is, you can learn more here.

“Don’t Be Koi About It” - All About You

Name: Meg

Age: 20s

Location: United States

URL: @imagineteamfreewill

Why did you choose your URL: I first started out structuring my stories as imagines, and the “Team Free Will” part was pretty obvious.

What inspired you to become a writer: Reading Supernatural fanfiction inspired me to get back into writing, but I’ve always enjoyed it. My mom likes to talk about how when I was in Kindergarten, I drew a picture about how I wanted to be an author and now I write in my free time.

How long have you been writing: According to tumblr, I’ve been writing fanfiction since 2014, but I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember.

What do you do when you are not writing i.e. Job/Hobbies etc? I’m a music teacher, so I sing and play piano, and I’ve played a bit of cello and tenor saxophone as well. I love movies, baking, sleeping, and a few video games.

How long have you been in the SPN Fandom? I joined sometime around Season 8 or 9, I think. I don’t really remember!

Are you in any other fandoms and do you write for them? I really enjoy Marvel and I’ve read a lot of Marvel fics, but I don’t write for them. I like a lot of TV shows (New Girl, Parks and Rec, The Good Place, Outlander, etc), but I wouldn’t consider myself part of the fandom.

Do you do any writing outside of fanfiction? If so, tell us about it? I love to write poetry. I had a poetry blog at truenorth-ink a while ago, but I haven’t updated it recently at all. Most of my poems aren’t published or posted anywhere.

Favorite published author: I love some of the early series by Rick Riordan and I also really enjoy poetry by Nikita Gill and Atticus. Lately, I've really been getting into Leigh Bardugo's books.

Have you ever read a book that made an impact on your life? Which one and why?: I think "East" by Edith Pattou really affected me! I read it when I was in 6th-8th grade and I think about it often. I think it's something that really stuck with me and got me interested in fantasy books so much. I read it at least once a year.

Favorite genre of fanfic (smut, angst, fluff, crack, rpf, etc): I love angsty stuff, and most of the time I prefer it when it has some fluff mixed in. Straight fluff is often hard for me to read because I need something that’s more realistic for my own life and point of view. I also really like whump, but that can be a lot sometimes so it depends on my mood.

Favorite piece of your own writing: I don’t know if I have a favorite, but I loved writing Back to the Start (my mermaid series) and The Switch (a canon-divergent apocalyptic Reader x Sam series). Right now, I'm really enjoying my Consort series (a Goddess!Reader x Dean series). Creating my own rules in my own little universes is one of my favorite things to do, especially since I can’t always do whatever I want in real life.

Most underrated fic you have written: Empire. I loved getting to write Boyking!Sam because it was so different from my normal Sam stories and I did a lot of research for it. I’m pretty proud that the story never got too bloody or gory, too, so if you want some Boyking!Sam that’s not drenched in blood (for lack of a better term), I’m your girl!

Story of yours that you’d most like to see turned into a movie/tv show: Probably Back to the Start or The Switch. I think those two series would be amazing to see with J2, the rest of the cast/characters I included, and special effects! There’s so much I’d want to explore with both of them that I didn’t put into the series.

Favorite Tumblr Writer(s): @luci-in-trenchcoats, @sunlightdances, @supernaturalfreewill, @lipstickandwhiskey, @smol-and-grumpy, @percywinchester27, and @kaz2y5-imagines

Favorite fic from another writer:  I don’t think I could pick just one, but I’ve read all of @sunlightdances Dean fics multiple times. Her works got me through some pretty sucky times in my life and I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of her writing! I’ve also been reading her Bucky fics recently and it’s made me love Marvel fics even more than before!​

Favorite character to write: Sam Winchester

Favorite Pairing to write: Reader x Sam (Reader x Dean is a close second)

Least favorite character to write (and why): I don’t like to write for Crowley or Gabriel. Gadreel is hard for me even though I can do it, but I don’t understand Crowley or Gabriel’s personalities at all because they’re literally so far away from mine.

Do you have anyone you consider a mentor? No, although @lipstickandwhiskey and @kaz2y5-imagines really encouraged me in my writing!​

Do you have any aspirations involving your writing? I would love to write a non-Supernatural work of fiction to publish, but that’s a long way off.

How many work-in-progress stories do you have: Oh Lord, I have so many! I have at least four series and two one shots in the works right now. I've also got over 100 one shots/series plotlines written out in the notes on my phone and various Google Docs.

What are you currently working on? I’m currently working on a Cinderella series, my Underworld series, my Puer Rex series, my Consort series, an Author!Sam fic, and an Author!Dean fic. I also write stories for my Words series now and again.

“Pond Diving” - All About The Writing

What/who has had the biggest influence on your writing? Reading other people’s work. The intense storylines of @luci-in-trenchcoats ’s fics have gotten me to be more bold with my writing and the emotions and description in @supernaturalfreewill’s works have inspired me to let my work have more feeling.

Best writing advice you've been given: Not necessarily writing advice, but I was once told that anything worth doing is worth doing at least a little bit every day. Think about it—if you wrote even just five minutes a day, how much better will you get over the course of a month? A year?

Biggest obstacle you’ve faced in your writing: Repetition of words and commas. So many commas and so many uses of the same word over and over again. It’s a hard balance between using the word and using synonyms without sounding like I’m sitting there googling synonyms for “said”. I also tend to spend a lot of time on things that I think are super important but aren’t really important in the long run. I’m wordy as hell and my writing would be dull if I didn’t edit it as thoroughly as I do.

What aspects of writing do you find difficult when you write fanfiction? A lot of times I have these ideas that I think would make a great series but I don’t think through them, so planning out the plot of a series (or even a standalone fic) beforehand is something I struggle with.

Is there anything you want to write but are afraid to (and why): I would love to write more fics that have the characters dealing with severe mental disorders or that take place in a mental hospital, but I’m afraid that I’ll portray something wrong and solidify harmful stereotypes about what it’s like to deal with those things.

What inspires/motivates you to write: Honestly, just wanting to write things that I enjoy. Sometimes I get sick of reading other peoples’ stuff since it’s not exactly what I want, so I just write my own!

How do you deal with self doubt: Understand that sometimes it happens. You’ll doubt yourself—everybody does. If I’m doubting myself or my writing, I’ll take a break until I remember why I write. Then I’ll remember that yeah, writing for an audience is fun, but I write because I have cool ideas I want to explore, not because I need the attention or love of strangers. Lastly, I’ll reread my old fics, especially the ones I love, and then I’ll go back and edit old fics that I haven’t looked at in a while. That way I can see how I’ve improved and I don’t feel so terrible anymore! Reading my own fics is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine, and I’ll read through my masterlists every once a while just to remind myself of the things I’ve loved, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.

How do you deal with writer's block: Like I said, I reread old fics and edit old fics that I haven’t looked at in a while. Seeing the things I’ve done before always helps to focus me. I’ll also read other people’s stuff or talk about headcanons with some friends to try and find some inspiration.

Do you plan/outline your story before you start: Lately I have been, but only because my periods of intense inspiration and productivity are getting farther and farther apart because of my job. I’ve found planning it out to be more and more helpful, especially for my series. A lot of times if I get a great idea, I’ll outline the whole plot or any significant details I want to put in that one shot/series so that I can come back to it whenever I have the time or I’m inspired for it again.

Do you have any weird writing habits: I write best in places that are unfamiliar to me or in places/times where I shouldn’t be writing. Class? Writing. Airport terminal? Writing. 4am when I have to be up at 6? Writing.

Have you ever received hateful comments on your fic and how do you deal with it? Not that I remember! I feel like there’s probably been one or two over the years, but I probably just got upset about it with my friends for a while and then got over it.

Conversely: what’s been some of your favorite feedback on your fanfic? A long time ago, when I was writing Back to the Start, I had one person who sent me asks for every single series update. I screenshotted them and saved them on my laptop. There’s one particular one where they say that they’re happier because of my writing and honestly, isn’t that what we all strive for? That people’s lives are better because of our stories? I’ve also had some pretty great friends recently who’ve made it a point to reblog and send asks/messages on all my works, which has been so meaningful that I never replied to the asks. They’re sitting in my inbox and I go through and reread them sometimes when I’m feeling down.

If you could give one piece of advice to a new and/or struggling writer, what would it be?  ​Write down everything. If you come up with an amazing piece of dialogue, even if it’s just one sentence or one person talking, or if you come up with something you’d think would be a great title��� WRITE IT DOWN. It doesn’t matter if it fits into whatever you’re currently writing or not, it’ll come in handy! I don’t know how many times I’ve gone through my idea list and found really obscure lines/titles/inspiration that didn’t make sense when I wrote them down, but are now exactly what I need to finish a fic. Even if you don’t end up using it, jotting down your ideas is still writing, and that’s good practice!

[theangrypokemaniac]

@its-whitetomorrow

I appreciate that you take the time out of your day to read my witterings, and respond to them in detail, but I'm somewhat intellectually limited and it takes a while to write an answer.

The final one is a bit of a problem. The original post is long, your bit is long, and my addition is probably twice both put together.

Did you know Tumblr has a limit: no more than two hundred and fifty text blocks per post? I discovered this from experience, unsurprisingly.

I think the only solution is to split it across several posts.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I suppose I should.

I started this blog last May, to relieve the boredom of my main embarrassment, whose only likes (all three of them) were from porn bots.

It wasn't even meant to be about Pokémon. I'd left the fandom years previously. It was odds and ends, but I happened to find a few silly screen shots so wrote a couple of joke remarks, not expecting a ripple of interest.

Within a couple of hours I got more notes than t'other's managed even to this day. I had the idea this was where I was more at home, so I started taking it seriously.

My pseudonym was just daft thing I'd made up previously, to reflect that, whilst still in love with old days, I'm not exactly pleased with how it's gone.

I thought it might stand out as memorable, plus I like acronyms, so it affords me the opportunity to call myself 'T.A.P.'

In the early days the focus was on the 'maniac' aspect. Anger as a description didn't fit at all. The farther back you go, the more stupid and clownish it gets. It's not been like this all the way through!

Seriously, it used to be an entertainment blog, designed to make people laugh. It's all ages: no swearing, no porn, nothing to put anyone off.

(This post under discussion contains the only profanity I've ever deployed. I thought saving it up might add some oomph.)

I mean it, it's was all light-hearted ridicule. Every so often, there would be a slightly cutting remark, but mild compared to now.

Then, last September, someone I spoke to regularly, who assured me we were friends, suddenly cut off all contact.

At first I wasn't aware of it, but by October it became too glaring a silence to ignore.

I thought rifts started because of massive disagreements, but as far as I remembered our last exchange ended normally.

I found out by accident that the reason for it was because I am repugnant and morally inferior and so swollen with my own ego that the existence of others doesn't register. Instead they are but soulless droids built to worship the great T.A.P. mollusc.

Well that was news to me. I had no idea I came across like that. As far as I knew, I was on my best behaviour when we interacted.

I was polite. I tried to be ingratiate myself. I kept talk to the fandom. I didn't pry. I attempted humour when the opportunity arose.

I thought I'd done all I could to be liked, but apparently I hadn't. It was a revolting experience for them, for all of saying they loved me and I was 'honey'.

It really, really, really got to me, and the feeling hasn't abated, if anything it's worse.

As I said, I don't know what I did wrong, and because I don't, I can't mend my ways. If I am this repellant waste of flesh I'd like to change, but if I'm not told my offence, what am I meant to do?

If what I thought was the best I could be wasn't good enough, and instead was so sickening I don't deserve their presence, then I have no idea how to interact with people.

Maybe every time I respond to someone, thinking I'm at worst, civil, is really grotesque conceit, because my arrogance is so extreme I'm not even aware it's there. In my head it sounds normal.

It'd be too easy to scoff that they were the one with the problem, but, given all the arguments that happen in life, it can't always be someone else's fault. It's got to be you at least once.

They obviously think they were justified, so who's to say they weren't?

You may say not to let it worry me, that I should just get over it, and you'd be totally right. Being bothered makes me feel pathetic and petty on top of the rest, but this is me you're talking to, not a sane person. Self-hatred is more instinctive to me than breathing.

I always dwell on the negative. If one hundred people were assembled, ninety-nine of whom declared me the most wonderful being ever to live, and one remarked I wasn't all that special, it's him I'd remember. 

It's called ghosting because that's what happens. There comes a moment when you accept that, no, it's over, rejected again, and it's like realising I'd died, and had been gone for a while.

Except I hadn't noticed the process, so I was always dead in a way, and they spoke to the silvery silhouette left behind, until that too dispersed into untraceable nothingness. Again,  the silence is my fault for dying, not theirs.

I feel there's no point in messaging anyone, because I'll only disgust them too. Some blogs encourage contact, and when I see it I always think:

Yeah, but they don't mean YOU.

If it's another person I already spoke to, I can't shut up. I bombard them with text in the hope they know I don't think they're a menial droid. Every one I immediately regret, and wish I could take back, because that will irritate them until I'm just a sad, nagging past.

The Ghost-Maker used to reblog 99% of my work. This dropped to nothing overnight, so not only am I worthless, but so is everything I do.

Posts G.M. didn't like got 0-5 notes. Ones they did had 20+. Many a time, it took their reblog for anyone else to notice.

It was like others used that blog as a filter to pull the fool's gold from the murk of this one. Once their favour evaporated, so did a lot of the goodwill from elsewhere, so it's was as if Tumblr agreed I was scum.

Saying that above just shows they were right, because it takes one smug bastard to believe their existence registers with anyone else.

Please don't think I'm demanding likes, that my stuff deserves them, although as I'm arrogant I am. It's just that 99% to 0% is a bit of a fall.

Up til then, I held back much of what I thought about the current state of the anime, as they liked it, but now I have no reason to stop.

If I'm to be accused of all these vices I might as well have them. I'm dead, so who cares what I say? No one listens to a ghost.

It's not that I'm unconcerned if I upset anyone, it's just the truth that I don't matter enough for what I write to be valued enough to offend.

As a ghost, I think of this blog as invisible. It's there, but not really, so how can anyone mind?

Incidentally, the first week I was here I got blocked by someone who hates all fans from the Nineties. I don't care about that, as they sound like a cretin, and I'd have to be defective to gain their approval.

I just want to say I find that moronic. I don't hate new fans at all. I wouldn't block someone because we disagreed.

Blocking denies people access to your blog, stating they don't deserve your ART. That's arrogant to me.

Blocker likes Ghost-Maker, but...

Ever since around October, I've progressively become angrier and angrier. Whenever I'm here or Pokémon enters my head, it just reminds that I'm pond slime, about the most crude, malformed half-life freak you can envision.

I don't like being here anymore. I keep intending to leave, the site and the fandom, and set fire to it all before I go, wipe away the slug trail to spare people's stomachs.

I kept quiet until now, but holding it in just made it more intense. If I may describe myself in ridiculously flattering terms, I feel like a shaken champagne bottle, but the cork is welded in, so the only option is for the glass to shatter.

If anyone's reading this, wondering where the fun went, well this is why I flipped. The red mist won't clear. I can't see beyond it.

I won't name Ghost-Maker, because I don't want to start anything, plus most will take their side. They may see this as they still rifle round these parts occasionally for posts that aren't mine.

Well done, Ghostie. You're the lucky one. We'll never meet and you haven't seen me. Pity the poor sods I've encountered. There must be vomit trails across the land provoked by my vile condition. I wasn't aware of this until you let me in on the secret.

There's an English television presenter called Caroline Flack. She killed herself yesterday and everyone loved her. I feel guilty that I'm alive and she's not.

[taylunae]

My thoughts on Unbelievable so far...

Hi, 2021 Crescent here. I happen to come across this post on my blog, and as I was rereading realized how problematic it was. Where are the trigger warnings? Why was I throwing around the word r*pe so much? It's clear that I was new to fandom, and I've learned so much since then about being sensitive to others, so instead of just deleting this post, I'd like to give it another crack. To show to myself how much we've changed since 2019. Alright, here we go.

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️ discussions of SA

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. A lot. And I've been finding myself noticing the different ways that various TV shows are set up. You know, things like structure, main characters, presentation.

It's not very often that I can truly appreciate the presentation about a show. I mean, we all know I love Riverdale (I don't anymore) and it's an absolute dumpster fire of a show but that's not why I watch it. I don't watch Riverdale for the presentation, I watch it for the characters. (To be fair, I still like the characters, but I could only watch a writers room full of men make horrible decisions about characterization for so long before I had to dip) But, I digress.

But I'm watching this new show on Netflix, Unbelievable. And the depth and attention to detail is astounding me. The way that they are setting up the show is so artfully done that it actually amazes me. You begin to the show thinking that the main character is going to be Marie. But as the show progresses, you realize maybe the main character is Detective Duvall. And then Detective Rasmussen. And then you realize "oh it's not any of those." It's a hybrid of the story of two female detectives who are going above and beyond to solve an impossible mystery.

And I thought that this was going to be something that trivialised rape SA with young women. But it doesn't. It is The show talks about rape SA in a way that I'm sure every woman feels about rape SA. It's not playing it off as some awful thing that just happens. They don't say oh well. (That isn't completely true. I failed to mention that some of the characters do have this reaction, and that's what makes the determination of the detectives that take the case all the more validating) Even with one character who feels like she's forced to admit that she made a false report. That (referring to false accusations being sensationalized in media, which was incredibly common during the Me Too movement) is something fat that is in the media all the time but as they build the story you realize but that you can see this whole new perspective from women who report rape SA and then later come out to say that it was a false accusation. (I don't like that I said "new perspective" here. I think a more accurate description would have been a new perspective for me. Because this isn't a new perspective for some women, it's a very common thing that happens.)

In fact, that's one of my greatest fears about rape SA. Not that it will scar me for life. Or that I won't be the same person. Because I know those things are true. If that were to ever happen to me, I know that it will change me on a molecular level. The worst fear that I have about potentially being raped SA is the fact that if you're strong enough (this isn't about strength, it's about support. I remember I used to feel this way about SA. That is you didn't report it, you just weren't strong enough. Fuck that. All women are strong. This is such pick me, fucked up language that had been ingrained into me from living in a small town my entire life. Reporting SA isn't about strength. It's about the community you have behind you, and the people you keep beside you. Supported people can do hard things things) stand up for yourself, there are going to be people who say you made it up. And this show so artfully portrays that perspective.

And every other perspective. It's so well thought-out. And yeah, it's hard to watch. But it's worth the time. (This is one thing I got 100% right. This show is hard to stomach, and I still think about it two years later. I haven't rewatched, I don't think I could now knowing what I know about myself. Maybe I wouldn't like it this time around. But I'm glad I watched it then, it was worth my time.)

** okay, so some final thoughts from 2021 Tate**

I think the reason I had such a visceral reaction to my analysis, however juvenile it was, of the show is because since then I have done extensive work on myself through therapy. Through this therapy, something that we always came back to and talked about was my inherent fear of men. And we talked about how, to my belief, it was always something that had been a part of me.

We worked on that. And we came back to that. A lot. And one night it hit me. I had been preparing a lecture that I had to give to my students the next day about r*pe culture and how it affects the books that we read and something that I always do, because I teach in a small community, is I prepare for the worst, most bigoted statements that I can think of that my students might say and I pre-planned thoughtful, caring answers that restated my boundaries and corrected them to using gentler language to express their curiosity.

While I was doing this I happened to think about something that had happened to me when I was in high school that I had always looked at in a light of "oh that's a funny story to tell." But because I was already studying SA in depth with my students it was at the forefront of my mind, and it was then that I realized that what happened to me at a party in Grade 10 wasn't a funny story, I had experienced sexual assault. And if there was one thing that 2019 me got right was that it did change me.

Because that's when my fear of men started. I could almost pinpoint it to the day.

That's when I started being more cautious.

That's when my anxiety got unmanageable.

Once I had realized this, I immediately reached out to both my mom and my husband and told them about how I thought that I had been sexually assaulted. And just like I feared one of those people didn't believe me at first and required me to validate why I thought that it happened to me. My mother is an amazing person, and one of the most supportive people in my life. However, she also was taught about SA through a male gaze. She had never had somebody as close to her as I am tell her that that it happened to them. And unlike what I thought, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me. I had the opportunity to educate somebody else about exactly what SA means and entails. She cried with me and for me. She told me she loved me. And that was enough.

My husband came home from work that night looking lost. He had heard the story before. I used to tell it as a joke at parties. Yet, he came home and he wrapped me up in a hug and he said "I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry that I didn't realize it was wrong until you did."

So like I said earlier. It's about support. I think about some of my earlier comments about how I used to know that if I was ever sexually assaulted it would ruin my life and scar me forever. About how I know that it would change me and I would never be the same.

But I've grown since then. I worked through this realization with my therapist for months. As I've grown, I've come to know other women who have experienced something similar to, or worse than, what I did, and I've noticed something. Did it change who we are? Of course. Am I scarred for life? No. I'm finding that no, I'm not. Did it change who I was on a molecular level? No. It changed me. It made me fearful, for a while. But I was going to change anyways. And I wish that I could have changed without experiencing something horrible, but I am stronger because of it. I'm not saying I'm grateful for my sexual assault, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned since then.

I was just a child back then, and I didn't know anything about boundaries and how to assert myself or how to say no. But I've learned those things now, and I'm not afraid of men anymore. I wish that I had been taught those things then.

That contrary to what 2019 me thought, despite my realization of my SA, I'm okay. My life hasn't changed that much. And I know that I'm one of the lucky ones, in terms of severity. I know that I walked away and that means that I was lucky.

I'm realizing now that there are more nefarious things at play in our society. What started out as something small, the Me Too movement is now a global movement. And it has helped women all over the world. In 2019, I didn't think that we would live in a world where when somebody had sexual assault allegations put up against them, we dropped those people from sponsorships, and stopped carrying their shows on n*tflix. I never thought that we would live in a world like that, but we do. We don't stand for men who don't respect women, and we certainly don't support them and give them our money.

What's happening in Texas right now with the Ab*rtion Act that is being put out is exactly the kind of thing that will happen if we stay silent. However, it is amazing to know that if we speak out through our social medias and write to our MLAs and Senators that we can make change. We don't sit back and let injustices happen like we used to. We fight, and we set our boundaries, and we say no. And it is making a difference. And sometimes we all need that reminder.

[butterfly-in-progress]

@lehuka123 thanks for the tag! This username actually means a lot to me.

It started when I was about 5 years old and I loved butterflies. There was a monarch migration path that would go right over my house in the fall, just butterfly after butterfly flying down the street and up and over my house on their way south. I was so fascinated by them. I even had the "butterfly solo" in the school musical in first grade.

Then, when I was 8, my scoliosis (curvature of the spine - mine was twisted and shaped like an S) got so bad that I had to wear a brace at almost all times. I would get a max of 2 hours every day when I didn't have to wear it. It was itchy and hard and worked like a corset. I was not happy.

But my mom encouraged me to think of it like a cocoon, and we even had butterflies printed onto it. I had to wear it for the next six years of my life (well, several ones since new ones were made as I grew).

Years later, shortly after I graduated high school I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my first antidepressants made matters worse. When I got out and took a gap year that fall, I made a Tumblr blog to document my mental health journey and improvements. I reminded myself of the mindset that got me through those years of a scoliosis brace, that I would be something new and better on the other side of all this work, and called it, and myself, a butterfly in progress.

I've since deleted the original blog and started a new account because I wanted to distance myself from those darkest days of my life, but the blog name stayed the same (except this time with dashes) because of how much it means to me. ^_^

Some mutuals I'm curious about: @azulcelestina @athena1138 @prince-of-places @waitforawonder

Hi! Reblog with the story behind your Username

Mine is cuz one time my sister almost killed a lightning bug(firefly, whatever), and then I fixed its wing and it flew away, so I proclaimed myself the Lightning Bug Queen.

Tagging: @itswisegirl712 @bisexualbubbleboy22 @proudclarinetplayer @deano-cas @when-humans-were-good @spiderway95 And anyone who wants to