#and really it's like 3hrs. bc i have to make dinner and eat dinner.

[dickvinci]

i used to be really good at like. gritting my teeth and doing shit i didn't want to do because i had to and it's just. getting harder and harder and harder.

[saveemefromeviil]

Im tired of this constant emptiness that i feel everyday from the moment i wake up to the time i go to bed . And i dont want any sympathy from anyone im just here to let out my feelings. I live everyday the same. I go to work mon-fri, 6am-2pm with people who are just so internally ugly . I get home just to find myself with no motivation but to play my video game, smoke some weed and get sucked in as the hours pass… 2hr 3hrs to 5hrs or more, till i get hungry and decide not to make dinner but order food bcs i have little money to always spend on groceries or i dont feel like cooking. Eating distracts me from my bad thoughts for a bit i guess it gives me a euphoric feeling when the food is good. I think about all the things i could be doing but i dont do them, mainly bcs i dont enjoy the area (city) i live . It’s not safe i cant dress the way i want to without getting harassed or feeling like im dressed inappropriate or not normal . Theres not much to do when you dont drive or have a car of your own, but ig thats my fault for not studying for my permit. Everything in walking distance is just grocery stores or parks for kids and nature thats all. I dont have any friends at all and i mean really… I cant remember the last time i had someone to hangout with , to laugh and talk about whatever i want with . Now. I have my boyfriend of 3 yrs we live together and he great and i love him and he loves all of me but i can see in his face that he knows im unhappy, it upsets him. Ik i let him down little by little everyday . Everythings been killing me slowly, all these feelings and thoughts of, guilt, anger, sadness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, and worthlessnesses. Its gotten to the point where i dont look forward to waking up anymore or just waiting for the day to be over. If im gonna live the same day over and over whats my purpose if im not doing any good for the future my future .. his future.

My mom wasnt very successful in life so she never taught me how to be strong a go for what i want and my dad wasnt in the picture very much to support me in those ways. I have so much anxiety and no ones ever told me how to go on in the real life after high school. Ive been trying to get by with what i can. Its so hard i dont understand why i cant motivate myself to be better, healthier. Im 23 and i almost hate myself, but i don’t want to. I know all the things i could do to feel better but im not motivated anymore. I have moods that flip flop day to day, one whole week ill feel on top of the world and the next is like a downpour of anger and sadness thats makes me feel sooo heavy. Ill be wanting to be nice to everyone one week and the next i dont even want anyone talking to me or looking at me. I dont understand why i have those episodes. I wish I could.

-lena