#and really conflicted becuse she knew how to give enough crumbs of good times
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#blabbers#personal musings in the tags feel free to ignore just needed to like soliliquize to myself#learning about narcissistic abuse these last few weeks has been such a crazy and eye opening experience#i knew i was being abused while i was with m and while she was still in my life#at the time i didn't 100% concieve of it as abuse but after we graduated and weren't physically near each other i started to realize#idk all i knew at the time is that i was miserable and in her total control and didn't know how to get out#and really conflicted becuse she knew how to give enough crumbs of good times#that i couldn't even dream of leaving her#after i cut communication i did read a book about gaslighting bc i knew i was for sure experiencing that#and i read one about having a healthy relationship and that shit blew me away bc i couldn't even imagine someone caring for me like that#or just you know treating me with basic respect#but i didn't know to look into specifically narcissistic abuse just more general emotional abuse and manipulation#which helped immensely and i've healed a lot from that#and it has been totally mindblowing to learn that other people have been through this pattern of abuse#and that it's a specific pattern in the first place#AND that there are resources to help me to talk about what happened and recover from it#it's such a relief to feel like i can finally finish healing past the trauma#like fully and not just partially or mostly#anyways i'm not healed yet so time for some healthy anger: fuck you madison you made my life hell and the only consolation i have is knowing#that deep down you are more miserable than i am#get some fucking help
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