#and probably has made it more difficult for venues to take risks

[blondephil]

not for nothing but saying the institutions / government of a place are homophobic is not saying everyone there is or that queer people don’t exist there. most institutions are homophobic. like, globally.

[explorevenus]

my soul to keep ♡ vampire!leon kennedy x virgin!reader

nsfw (18+) - minors. dni or i will call ur mom. and also the cops

word count: 6.4k

tags/warnings: romantic vampire leon, virgin/innocent f!reader, leon turns reader into a vampire, some religious allegory, bloodplay (obviously), gravedigging, some gory descriptions but not a whole lot, one instance of overeating (reader's learning, leave her alone </3), manipulation kinda, praise, fingering, p in v, creampie

description: leon creeps into your village at night for a quick drink, only to find himself infatuated with an angel like you. it's a good thing he possesses the means to preserve you for himself.

a/n: yes this is the vampire leon fic i started like a year ago don't look at me <33 i'm just proud of myself for getting it finished before halloween this year AAAAAAAA

divider by @saradika-graphics !!!!

my masterlist ♡

my ao3 ♡

fic under the cut, thanks so much for reading and i hope u enjoy ;w;

-venus ♡

The last time Leon remembered feeling this alive, well… he was still living, and that was a long time ago. When lonely and undead as long as Leon has been, it can be difficult to show restraint upon first contact with anything that evokes such emotion. 

But he did, for a while. You were just too cute, he thought as he stood over your slumbering body that first night. It wasn’t something he liked to make a habit of, but a light hunting season for him meant starvation through the winter, and he didn’t have much choice but to go wandering into the nearby little village for a quick bite to eat. 

Until he found you. 

You looked like a cherub sleeping there in your plush little bed, buried beneath a quilt he could only assume you made yourself. Precious, fragile. You looked especially fragile. 

And humans are so fragile, he thought. You smelled so sweet, it made his teeth ache just standing there staring at you without acting upon his festering need to sate his appetite, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to scare you, or worse, lose control of himself and kill you. 

He wandered silently around your little cottage in hopes of learning more about you. It was tidy but lived in, well-kept in a way that made him think you were probably a good homemaker. Your old leather boots sat by the door, dirtied by years of garden work and general wear. There was a little handmade ceramic candle holder on your bedside table, the candle in it burned nearly down to the base, and he wondered if maybe you’d held onto it because the piece was sentimental to you. Carefully arranged bouquets of flowers were strung together and hung up above the cracked window, likely to dry them out and preserve them. 

And suddenly he realized that maybe he would like to preserve a flower for himself. 

He couldn’t allow himself to feed from anyone in your village that night. If word spread around about a vicious animal attack or some other form of brutality, it would only hinder his ability to ultimately get to you, and he couldn’t risk that. Weak and delirious and ravenously hungry as he was, Leon forced himself to bid you adieu and stalk off into the night, back to his crumbling old castle in the middle of the woods… but not before leaving you a gift. 

His gift. The gift.

Your lips parted in a dreamy sigh as you slept, rolling over onto your back. He admired your face for a moment before he couldn’t take it anymore— if he didn’t leave now, you were going to become dinner, and he couldn’t have that. Hastily, he bit down on the meat of his palm and squeezed, watching as his old crimson blood bubbled up to the surface, and then he held it up over you.

Drip. Right between your rosy, plush lips. Even in your slumber your face scrunched up at the foreign taste, your heavy arm coming up to swipe at yourself like you were just trying to get your hair out of your eyes.

And just like that, he was gone, having taken his leave through the very same open window that gave him the idea. 

He wasn’t a monster, of course. He kept an eye on you as you experienced the very same pain he felt decades ago. 

The next day, you woke up later than usual feeling quite lousy. Your whole body was sore and weighty and, reasonably enough, you chalked it up to poor form while tending your garden the day before. It was an easy mistake to make from time to time, after all. But as the day dragged on, you only felt worse, so you retired to bed right after supper that evening. 

The day after that, you woke up in the early afternoon feeling awful. Your head was screaming with a migraine and your heart was beating slow and hard in your chest. You were sweating and shaking and could barely even open your eyes because the light hurt so bad. A friend stopped in to check on you after noticing how late of a start to the day you were getting, and almost as soon as she stepped in the door, she was rushing back out to the apothecary, begging the village healer to come check on you. 

The village healer loaded you up with tricks and tinctures and anything she could think of to break your fever or at least ease your pain. Dried herbs and poppyseeds and fungus ground up in the mortar and pestle, the paste slathered under your nose, on the bottoms of your feet, steeped into tea that was too hot for you to drink. None of it worked. At a loss for advice to give, the village healer urged you to drink plenty of water and rest, and to quarantine yourself. Couldn’t risk passing whatever you had to the rest of the community. 

You woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night and didn’t even have time to throw your quilt aside as you doubled over the side of your bed and vomited. This continued for a few moments until you could barely breathe, tears dripping from your eyes as your face reddened with strain and you inwardly resented yourself, knowing you would have to drag your sick body out of bed to clean up the mess you’d just made. You struck a match and lit the candle at your bedside and hesitantly peered down to survey the damage, only to be met with the image of your beautiful wooden floors drenched in blood. Reaching up to wipe your mouth with the back of your hand yielded the same result. 

As you stared at your own blood in horror, Leon stared at you in adoration from the other side of the window. For a moment your bleary eyes caught on the glass and he wondered if you saw him, but if you did, you didn’t react. 

Even at a distance he could hear your heartbeat continuing to weaken. Soon enough you would be just like him, a beautiful preserved flower, and better yet, you couldn’t be harmed. You wouldn’t change, you wouldn’t grow, you wouldn’t die.

Although your village certainly thought you did. It was a dreary, overcast day when the village healer decided to stop in and check on you, only to find you completely lifeless and splattered with blood where you laid. She had to be the one to break it to your family that you had lost your battle with whatever illness plagued you. Leon watched from the shadows as your father lifted your limp, blood-soaked body from your bed and held you close, sobbing, hesitating to admit to himself that you were gone.

By the end of the afternoon, as the sun went down and the drizzling rain refused to let up, the entire village was standing over your grave, watching you get lowered into the soft, soggy ground. 

Once everyone had paid their respects, Leon watched them all retreat to share a drink in your honor, hushed whispers revealing just how unsettled everyone was by your untimely demise. You were so young, they said, so bright and healthy and undeserving of your fate. They wondered what it meant for themselves, and only Leon knew it didn’t mean anything at all. Your illness wasn’t going to spread because he had what he wanted now, and that was you. 

As soon as the final candle was blown out for the night, Leon took a shovel from your garden and began to dig, the metal piercing easily through the soaked earth until it revealed the handmade box you’d been laid to rest in. He popped the top off and looked at you, your arms still crossed delicately over your chest with a beaded rosary tucked beneath your palms, a pale flower in your hair. Your family didn’t need to know they’d be spending the rest of their lives praying over an empty coffin in the ground. 

Leon scooped you up into his arms, cleaned up after himself and set off into the woods with you clutched to his chest like a princess.

It was a few days before you finally roused. Leon had barely taken his eyes off of you the entire time you slept, and admittedly, he was a bit grateful it had taken you so long, for your own sake. He watched over you and cared for you as the last of your body heat drained out and your fangs descended behind your lips. From what he remembered, that was the most painful part of the transformation, and you were lucky to have slept through the worst of it. 

When your eyes finally shot open, he could barely contain his excitement. In one swift movement you sat up on the couch, bringing one hand up to clutch at your pounding head, the other massaging your sore jaw as your worried eyes darted around the room to drink in your surroundings. Then and only then did your gaze finally land on Leon. 

The fright and confusion on your face were evident. He knew you would have a lot of questions, and he was prepared to answer them. 

“There you are, darling,” he greeted you warmly, the first words he’d ever spoken to you. “How are you feeling?”

"W-Where am I?" You rasped, throat sore and shot from vomiting up blood the other day. Once your new condition fully set in, you would heal, but for now you were still a touch miserable. "Who are you?"

“I’m Leon,” he was gentle in introducing himself, taking your cold, shaking hand in his own so he could brush a polite kiss over your knuckles, “and this is your new home.” 

You blinked slowly at him, brows furrowed as you mulled over what he meant, and you came up short. Tears welled up in your bloodshot eyes and you hesitated for a moment before asking him a question you were afraid to know the answer to; “Am I… Did I die?” 

Leon wasn’t quite sure how to answer that at first. He imagined that question being posed much later in the conversation, so it sort of caught him off guard. He took a breath and then replied gently, “Something like that, yes.” 

“Huh?” 

“Shh, don’t worry,” he whispered, kneeling on the floor beside the couch so he could get on your level, his cold, pale fingers tracing gently over your lifeless skin. “You’re safe, your family is safe, your village is safe. I’m just here to take care of you, my beloved, to guide you in this tricky space between life and death. Do you trust me?” 

Strangely enough, you did-- or, rather, you felt compelled to. 

But that didn’t make the implications of your condition any easier on you. You were such a frightened little lamb, your cheeks hollowing and your eyes glowing like rubies and your skin tone taking on more and more of a pallid quality by the day as you refused to feed. He knew you would have some difficulty with this at first— after all, you were just far too sweet to kill anything— but he also knew you would only become weaker and more agitated if you continued to starve, and perhaps more grim, you would remain stuck in this odd limbo between death and vampirism. 

He tried everything he could think of. You wouldn’t drink animal blood, from the body or in a glass, and you certainly refused human blood in either form too. Every time he broached the topic of sating your hunger you would cower away from him and shake your head, eyes screwed shut as you continued to deny the reality of your situation. Starvation brought forth only misery, that much Leon knew, misery and longing and weakness and worse, everything he didn’t want for you. 

For two weeks you pushed back on the topic, insisting that if you couldn’t truly die, you would rather starve than take the life of another. As much as it pained him to see you this way, Leon appreciated that you could be so stubborn about your morals. He just wished it wouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being.

He left you at the castle one night to go hunting himself. It wasn’t often he’d stumble into humans in these woods, especially during the winter, but he hoped he would get lucky for himself anyway. Leon burned a few hours stalking through the trees and all he had to show for it when he returned home was a few small animals that wouldn't last him more than two light meals, but it was better than nothing, he thought.

Then he stepped through the creaking castle doors and his nose perked up to the familiar rich scent of human blood-- thick and heady in the air, cloyingly sweet and indulgent. Intoxicated by it for the moment, it didn’t really dawn on him immediately what that meant… until he followed the scent from the foyer to the living room and found you. 

You were on your knees in front of the fireplace, hunched over the writhing body of the village healer, her eyes wide and glassy as she choked out gurgled sounds of agony and clawed weakly at you to let her go. You didn’t even seem to notice Leon as he entered the room, a concerned grimace on his face, though it was accompanied by a tangible sense of relief that you were finally feeding. 

“Sweetheart,” he said lowly, causing you to blink with confusion and look up at him through your lashes, the poor village healer’s carotid still clenched tightly between your teeth. “Easy now, you’ll make yourself sick.” 

Your brows furrowed and you bit down a little bit harder, siphoning out a few final greedy gulps from the woman before dropping her from your grasp, your eyes still trained on Leon as her weak body flopped limply to the floor. His eyes softened with empathy as he looked you over, gore dribbling down your chin and the front of your white dress, your stomach puffy like an engorged tick. Now that you weren’t feeding anymore it would seem you made the same realization he had, the fog of desire clearing in your brain to make room for the shame and discomfort. With a soft whimper, you reached for him with both arms outstretched, but otherwise didn’t move. 

Leon gave you a nod of understanding before scooping you up into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead as he carried you out of the parlor. “My poor baby,” he sighed softly, “It gets easier, I promise. I’m so proud of you.” 

He ran a hot bath for you and left you to soak for a while as he got to work cleaning up the mess you’d made. The village healer was barely clinging to what remained of her life, and while he was extremely tempted to nurse her back to health and keep her around to continue feeding on, he knew it would hurt you. He could already tell you hated yourself for victimizing her in the first place, the very same woman who’d tried so hard to save your life just weeks ago and who was responsible for ensuring the health of the entire village, which included your friends and family. 

So he mopped up the blood, bottled what he could and wrapped her wounds to the best of his ability before compelling her to forget, dumping her just at the edge of the trees outside the village so someone would find her in the morning.

When he returned again, tired and dirtied from hauling an unconscious woman through the woods on your behalf, you were still relaxing in the tub. The water was tinted pink from all the blood and you still looked a bit swollen in the middle, but the color was returning to your skin and the expression on your face was one of such complete exhaustion that he wasn’t sure if you were actually conscious at first, until your gaze fluttered up to meet his. 

Leon let out a deep, sweet sigh, sitting on the bench beside the porcelain clawfoot bath as he took your hand in his and whispered, “What am I going to do with you, huh?” 

“I-I’m sorry,” you said just as quietly, bottom lip quivering as you continued to drift back down from your blood-induced daze. “I d-didn’t want to h-hurt her…” 

“Shh, shh, I know, darling,” his other hand came forward to pet gently through your wet hair. “She’s going to be alright, I made sure of that. But this can’t happen again, okay? I’ll help you get control of your urges, I promise, but you have to listen to me.” 

You were nodding along as he spoke, clutching his hand and shivering in the hot bath. Even transformed you were still fragile. Leon wanted nothing more than to care for you like the fine china you were.

It was fun watching you learn how to walk, so to speak. You were like a baby deer, taking careful steps and looking back at him for reassurance after each one, like his guidance was all you could think to cling to. While your gingerly approach to things was incredibly endearing, he loved watching you grow to love your new abilities with an innocent sense of excitement that he hadn’t seen in a long time, not in himself or in anyone else, really. 

You’d taken to exploring the rafters and the view of things from the ceiling, leaving the candles in your room unlit all night just so you could bask in how odd and cool it felt to see so well in the dark. It scared the moonlight out of him every time, when he would scour every inch of the castle in search of you just to find you perched criss-cross on the ceiling, lost in a lengthy novel in a pitch black room. 

But he would never scold you, never tell you ‘no.’ In his mind that was a very important lesson for you to learn, one that would open you up to endless possibilities and happiness in an otherwise bleak state of consciousness. 

So, when your small voice chimed in from the parlor ceiling one night and startled him more than he’d like to admit, and you asked him a deceptively simple question– “What now?”-- he knew exactly how he wanted to respond. 

“Indulge,” he said just as simply, sitting calmly down on the chaise lounge to look up at you, hanging from the rafters by your knees. “Let me ask you this. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?”

You took pause, humming in thought for a moment. All your life you were never much of a forward thinker because you didn't really have to be. You lived your little old life moment by moment, taking extra special care to appreciate the here and now. You had good friends, a loving family, a beautiful community, food on your plate and a warm bed to return home to every night. That didn’t leave you wanting for much.

Finally, you spoke shyly, "I guess I always wanted to fall in love."

It was so quiet, if he was still human, he wouldn’t have heard you. But he wasn’t, and he did. The corner of his lip tugged up into an endeared and somewhat amused expression, baring the sharp edge of his right canine. 

Leon adjusted his posture, sinking back into the couch to gaze up at you, trying to pretend like he wasn’t looking between your legs where your upside-down position left your skirt flipped up nearly to your waist. He cleared his throat softly and cooed, “You poor thing, you’ve never loved before?” 

Your face burned and you avoided his eyes, stretching your arms out toward the floor just to give yourself something to do. “N-No,” you began, smoothing your skirt out over your thighs just to watch it ride up again. With a short huff of breath you pulled yourself back up into a normal sitting position on the rafters, staring up at the ceiling. “I guess I just never had the chance.” 

“What, not enough fish in your little pond?” He teased, quirking an eyebrow at you. 

You laughed, appreciating the way he eased the tension, but he wasn’t exactly wrong. “I mean, yeah, the dating pool made for a better puddle.” 

“I figured as much.” 

A comfortable silence blanketed over the parlor, broken only by the gentle crackling of the fireplace. You swung your feet idly back and forth, watching the warm flame as you asked aloud, “So… What does it feel like, then?” 

“What does what feel like?” He responded, but he knew what you meant. He just wanted to hear you say it. 

“Y’know…” You kicked your frilly socked feet, “Love?” 

“Well, sweetheart, that’s quite a broad question,” Leon began, patting the space next to him in an attempt to beckon you down from the rafters, and to his delight, the gesture succeeded. You dropped gracefully to the ground and fixed your skirt before curling up beside him on the other side of the couch, your legs tucked up beneath you. You couldn’t possibly be more adorable if you tried.

As you situated yourself at his side, he continued, “There are many different kinds of love. You love your family, and you love your friends, but you don’t love your family in the same way you love your friends, and vice versa. Correct?"

He watched your expression for a moment to ensure you were following along, and surely enough, you were. Your posture was relaxed but you remained dutifully at attention, just like a good little doll should.

Leon felt a pang of pride when you nodded.

“It’s the same thing, just a different kind of love. I’m not sure I know how to describe it, really,” he said, tracing his fingertips along your knee casually. “But I could show you?” 

“Show me?” Your head tilted with that innocent curiosity he loved so much about you, and his heart melted all over again. “Show me how?” 

He said something lowly and it took you a second to register it because right after, he took your chin in his hand and drew you in for a kiss. Only after your lips collided did your brain recognize his words as, ‘Like this.’ 

With one hand cradling the back of your head and the other still tracing little shapes on your leg, Leon’s embrace felt all-consuming and overwhelmingly safe. Through it all, you really did trust him. Your fangs knocked together as he pulled you closer to deepen the kiss, making your head spin and your brows furrow in concentration. It felt incredible, unlike anything you’d ever experienced before, but the nerves kept you tense and you couldn’t help but fear you were doing a poor job. 

So you let him lead. You resigned yourself to the feeling of his cold lips on your own and his tongue exploring your waiting mouth, his broad hands keeping you pressed against him and feeling slowly up the length of your thigh. His touch made you shiver and tingle in unfamiliar but exhilarating ways and when he eventually pulled away, you were left panting for breath and wanting for more. 

He watched your face in an attempt to gauge how you were feeling, and it was evident you enjoyed it. Leon felt a rush knowing he had effectively just turned a new leaf in your training. 

You had finally learned to walk. Now it was time for you to sprint. 

Leon brushed your hair away from your shoulder, baring your neck to him. He’d waited so long for this moment, for the chance to sink his teeth into you. He wished he could have tasted you fresh, when you were still living, but he would settle for the alternative, and truthfully, it didn't even feel like settling. Especially not when your syrupy sweet blood hit his tongue and pulled a deep, guttural moan from the core of him, his pearlescent eyes rolling back in a display of momentarily mindless rapture. It was unexpectedly hot to see him react to you in such a way. No one had ever expressed such intense need for you, and you were so hung up on it that you barely noticed your thighs subtly shifting together.

But Leon was observant as ever, of course, the movement in no way making it past his keen attention-- you were too precious, too virginal for your own good. He wanted to ruin you, he wanted to tear you apart piece by piece and savor you like holy communion, to pump your undead heart with his own two hands until the end of time, his beautiful baby, his fragile little doll, his corpse bride, his darling and beloved consort.

You were both gasping for breath as he pulled away from your throat, remnants of your tart cherry blood smudged around his pallid lips. Blessed be the gift of undeath, Leon thought to himself, for it granted him the ability to feed from you without consequence-- and vice versa-- to strengthen your bond in the most intimate way imaginable time and time and time again. It still made you dizzy, of course, light and a bit tingly all over, but Leon didn't see that as a bad thing, and as it stood, you didn't seem to either. 

He was just trying to come up with a smooth way to tempt you into tasting his own blood, but found himself pleasantly surprised by your initiative. 

"Can I try?" You practically purred, your sweet voice all hushed and breathy as your dainty little hand crept up his shoulder, palm coming to rest at the leftmost side of his strong neck. 

As you caressed the pad of your thumb over the icy expanse of his skin, you couldn't help but notice the faint, scarred over marks that were dotted about, barely-there dips and craters telling a story that suggested decades of indulgence like this, decades of past lovers, and your heart inexplicably clenched in your chest. Suddenly you were overtaken with the desire to leave your own mark there, much more prominent and recent than any of those faded old others. 

Leon was quick to give you his consent, of course, and that was all it took for your mind to snap into a completely different mode of function. The highest points of your mouth were flooding with saliva and the lowest points were pooling with it, slicking your puffy lips as your tongue fell forward to drag a deep, wanton lick up the length of his cold carotid. Then, as anticipated, you helped yourself to a healthy bite of him. 

And just like that, you had discovered a new infatuation, as he knew you would. You were bonding yourselves to one another in real time, creating a connection that not even true death could break. 

You nearly went weak with how overwhelming it felt, like drinking down pure heaven, hardly even noticing you were moving for a moment as you crawled mindlessly into his lap to straddle him, grinding deep and slow. The pheromones in his sap made your head spin, bringing about the kind of spontaneous sensuality that you'd only ever felt after one too many glasses of mead, the kind that loosened your bones and tinged at your cheeks, the kind that called warmth to bloom at the pit of your stomach. 

The flavor of him was coppery and rich, but balanced, a bit dull from undeath but otherwise magnificent. That it was faint only made you want for more. 

"Easy, easy," Leon grunted quietly in your ear, reaching a hand up to card through your hair at the back of your head. "Don't drink too fast, little princess... just breathe..."

But it would seem you weren't really listening to him, and that needed to change. Thankfully, Leon knew just the way to grasp your attention. 

Letting one arm slip between your two bodies, he wedged his hand down, down, down, until it dipped beneath your skirt to close his palm over the sticky cotton of your panties. That you were already leaking through the fabric like a busted faucet was perfect. You were an absolutely perfect little untouched virgin, and thanks to him, your body would remain that way forever, ripe for his plucking.

Bringing down some pressure on your clit with the base of his palm, testing your reaction, he reveled in the way you whimpered on his throat and unlatched to finally suck in a breath, rutting to meet his attention without a second thought, so easily captivated by such slight stimulation. He couldn't wait to show you more, but he'd need to work you open first. He didn't want your first time to be painful, after all. 

Leon took you at the waist and moved to put you on your back, hovering above your spread out form on the chaise lounge and pinning you there in the most delicate way possible. Every bit of that attention to detail paid off. 

"My precious doll... my most delicate princess," he sighed reverently, stooping low to breathe you in at the neck again, laving his tongue over the bite he'd left just moments ago. "This is what true love feels like, and I wish to share it with you for eternity..." 

He let you ponder that as he continued, working you carefully out of your clothes, finding it cute how you seemed to shift and arch along with him to help him get you naked, like you just couldn't wait. In your pretty doe eyes, your undead life had just begun. 

It was a bit strange at first, feeling his finger sink into you, but it wasn't long before Leon was seeking out your soft spots and doing an excellent job of it, no less. He curled and pumped one finger carefully in you until he was sure you were comfortable, until he felt any remaining tension in your muscles melt away, and then he introduced a second. You were so wet and so absorbed by the feeling of it all that you almost didn't notice at first, but that delicious stretch was impossible to miss. 

"O-Oh," you quivered, head falling back against the plush velvet beneath you as you bucked into his hand. 

With an appreciative hum, Leon allowed himself to become a little less careful with his ministrations, watching your reactions with interest as he worked you open on his fingers, his infatuation with you growing more and more with every moan and whine, every flutter of your silky walls. 

"There you go, little one," he cooed, "you like that, don't you?"

Your response was barely more than an airy nod, but it delighted him anyway. How could it not? You were just too sweet for words, too cute to handle. You could've done or said anything in that moment and he would have adored it all the same. 

Nipping playfully at your throat, fingers still pumping dutifully in and out of your drippy cunt, his lips trailed up to your ear so he could ask in a sultry whisper, "Think you can take more?"

The next several seconds were a blur of impassioned movement, each of you weaving around one another to shed the elder vampire of his own ensemble, revealing his carved marble frame piece-by-piece. You were amazed by the strength in his shoulders, how smooth and soft his skin was from being kept away from the sun for so long, the dark blonde trail of hair that disappeared below his belt, only for its path to be revealed upon the long-awaited removal of his trousers. 

Leon's cock was painfully hard, tip flushed red and weeping with milky beads of precum as he freed himself from his confines at last. He felt the intense need to give it a few strokes with how pent up he was at this point, but he didn't see a point in wasting any time pleasuring himself when you were right there, skirt hiked up to your waist while you laid there panting and leaking your arousal all over his nice furniture. With a pout that pretty, it would be a disservice not to fuck you until you cried. 

He angled your hips with one hand and lined himself up with the other, pushing in slowly. Your expression screwed tight for a short moment as the swollen head of him caught at your hole, an opportune moment of distraction for him to sink in deeper, stretching you out until he hit the root, drawing a shocked cry from your throat that gave way to a pleasured whine just as quickly as it came. 

So he began to move, wanting to draw out that gorgeous sound for as long as you would allow him to hear it. Your cunt was so fucking tight, pulsing and squeezing around his shaft like you were made for it, made for him, delivered to him by fate so that he might just get to fuck you like this forever and ever, and in that moment, he knew he made the right choice in sharing his gift with you. For the first time in recent memory, the future felt bright. 

"L... L-Leon..." You babbled, hooking one leg over his hip for purchase just to find out it allowed him to prod that much deeper. You went boneless at the feeling, finding strength only in your ability to claw at his shoulders for dear life, the faint scent of his blood lingering in the air and making your head spin. "Feels... g-good... so good... don't stop..." 

He wouldn't dream of it. 

Fingertips printing into your thighs, he pulled your legs up to rest over his shoulders instead, driving you down into the soft couch in a firm mating press. You were nose to nose, needy lips catching and fangs clacking between filthy words and gasps for breath as you felt his presence envelope you fully. Leon was in you, on you, around you...

Leon was your home now. Leon was where you laid to rest. 

For the first time in your undead life, you felt your body licking with heat, temperature rising steadily at the pit of you and threatening to hit a fever pitch. Every inch of him lit you up from the inside. 

"Oh, my baby," he groaned, letting go of you with one hand just to swipe his silvery blonde hair away from his face so he could gaze at you like a work of art. "You're getting close, aren't you? Squeezing me so tight like that..."

"Yeah," you whined, even though you weren't fully sure what it even felt like to be close. You weren't dumb, you knew what orgasms were, you'd just never had one yourself, and as such, you had no basis for comparison. 

Leon aimed to fix that, to make damn sure you familiarized yourself with the feeling over the course of your shared eternity. 

His thrusts picked up with renewed vigor, the legs of the old chaise lounge scratching against the hardwood floors with every push forward, and he didn't even care. Everything else about life felt so worthless in comparison to you, the new center of his universe. The whole entire house could collapse and he would still be content, so long as he had you. 

And every time he remembered that he did have you, that you were here with him right now, squirming and rutting on his cock so beautifully, that he was all you had... it just drove him that much crazier, made him that much more determined to make your first time one you would never forget. He couldn't be happier to spend the entire rest of his endless life topping the last performance. 

You were losing your grip, struggling to keep your eyes open and eventually sinking your itching fangs into what you could reach of his throat just to push yourself a little higher, a little closer. The flavor alone made you purr against his skin, jaw clenching tighter, and the delicious sting of it was pushing him forward too. Now his biggest concern wasn't just making sure you came, but making sure that you came first. 

So he withheld, even as his balls drew up tight and ached to release, focusing instead on getting you there. 

"Don't be shy, princess, I've got you," Leon moaned into your ear, "let it happen... just let it happen..." 

Tears pricked at your eyes, the overabundance of stimulation rendering you down into a tearful little puddle, but it wasn't until he spoke up to encourage you that you realized you really were holding back, stalling yourself at the precipice like it was wrong to let go.

But it wasn't wrong. It was divine. It was indulgent.

Sucking back a mouthful of his blood, you unlatched from Leon's neck just to press your forehead against his own, your jaw stuck open in stilted whines and gasps for breath as that molten heat in your belly finally boiled over, and you discovered exactly what it was you were close to. 

Your spine drew up into an arch, toes curling over his shoulders as you came on his length with a cry, thighs trembling with strain. Leon had never been baptized before, but it felt like he was just now. He'd never felt so close to God as he allowed himself to finish deep inside your perfect pussy. 

You collapsed together in the afterglow, the parlor going quiet again as you both caught your breath and your bearings, a heaping pile of mess on velvet.

"Leon," you whispered, kissing some of the excess blood away from his cold skin as you innocently and earnestly admitted, "I... I think I love you." 

He cracked a fond smile at this, if only because he knew you would catch up in time. After all, you still had much to learn, and he didn't want to overwhelm you more than he already had for one evening. 

"I love you too, little one."

[slavghoul]

Interview from Rock Hard FR #232

The devil is in the details

You never hid it, Metallica had a big influence on your way of thinking about your career. Impera is your fifth album. It allowed you to play in very big venues, it saw you reach the first place of the US charts. Is it, in a way, your Black Album?

I don't think I can compare our career to Metallica. The band was, at the time, part of this huge mainstream rock wave that was the equivalent of what many rap bands are today. In 1991, Metallica was listened to by every high school student. Whereas, on our side, even if it's undeniable that we're doing well, it's always young people "on the fringe" who listen to us because our trajectory has always been more alternative than mainstream. But it's true that the pressure we felt when creating this fifth album is surely the same as the one Metallica experienced at the time, as well as Iron Maiden with Powerslave (1984). Metallica did have a huge impact on me, it influenced my way of thinking enormously, as did Maiden again, especially in terms of how to tour, how much work to put into our projects, how to behave... We've toured with both bands, and a lot of our strategies - even if it sounds a bit like we're a company - about how to create a good atmosphere for all the people who work with us on the road are very much influenced by the fact that we've opened for them and that they've treated us well.

It is not easy to manage such a success, to manage to prolong the ascension while reinventing oneself sufficiently. Metallica made the choice to drastically change its orientation on all levels, even if it meant taking a big risk. How do you approach this step, which is similar, for Ghost?

We're not at a point where we've accomplished everything yet, especially in terms of gigs, the places I want to play, and there are still a lot of new people to reach. Musically, I already have an album in mind that will contain things we haven't done yet. I also have a film project. But if I ever wanted to do something totally different, I would probably do it under a different name. I'm trying to make Ghost evolve into whatever form it can take, but I would never say to myself, "Okay, I'm going to give up the theatrical stuff, we're going to play in the clothes we wear every day". That's not cool, that's not what we're known for, and that's not what people want. Of course, you could argue that we've already disappointed fans of the first and second albums, who feel they didn't get what they wanted, but exploring new territories and evolving is a very difficult thing to define. Nevertheless, I think there are some key ingredients in the Ghost recipe that I can't subtract without causing serious consequences. If you think of Ghost as a dish in an Italian restaurant, the music is the olives and garlic, our visual attitude is the pasta base, you can't remove one of the two ingredients from such a dish without distorting it... I would add that the lyrics would be the cheese! (laughs) But if I had more time, I would love to play drums in a punk rock band in the future!

I'd like to talk more specifically about the universe and philosophy of the Ghost concept, which is a band that has always given the feeling of being black metal... but without the black metal music. The cover of Prequelle (2018), for example, or the lyrics of a track like "Majesty" are elements that one would easily imagine to find in a black metal band...

I come from the black and death metal scene. I built myself up with it, starting to listen to this music when I was in puberty. My whole adolescence was coloured by this extreme scene, although I grew up listening to a lot of different styles of music. It's clearly my home, where this sort of sub-culture or pop-culture that I like so much comes from. But I also got out of sync with the times pretty quickly: by 1995, I had already lost interest in new bands, being too busy listening to 1985 bands instead! (laughs) The bands I liked the most were still around though. Either because their careers were still going strong, or because they were reforming. In fact, the music that followed me all my life was the music my mother listened to when she was young: The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix. It was an echo of another era, the 60s and 70s, which I obviously never experienced. But metal being closer to me, it comes out in Ghost, even though a lot of our melodic elements come from something else. It's in the attitude and the lyrics that you find my black metal, death metal and punk influences. This nervousness, this biting side, the will to move mountains with words, in a very adolescent, aggressive approach...

Since the beginning of the band, some of your lyrics have been precisely anchored in religious references, sacred texts like the Bible. For example, Satan Prayer contains an ‘inverted’ version of the Nicene creed, and many other lyrics refer to very specific things that I imagine you have studied in detail...

Yes, I've always been interested in religion, especially when I started, as a teenager, to get interested in demons and the occult. That was the beginning of my first band. I started writing songs and spent a lot of time with a dictionary, trying to collect words, phrases, and that's what I still do with Ghost today. When you work with words, you have this desire to explore your inner self, linguistically, to refine your language. I'm bilingual, but I want to keep learning new words, new phrases, grammar, whether it's in English or Swedish. When I started writing lyrics, I wanted to do death metal, then black metal, and all the bands I listened to used these words and names inspired by biblical or semi-biblical texts, or expressions in "Latinized" English. I read books on religion, the Bible of course, but I also turned to films, anything I could find, at a time when, without the Internet, it was more difficult to find sources. I collected and gathered a lot of things!

There's another thing you've cultivated since the beginning, in parallel with these very satanic lyrics: it's your sense of humour, which allows for a rather explosive duality. So, when Ghost was still only on Myspace, you were already sending deadpan messages to the fans who contacted you. Like: “you'll burn in hell for eternity for being interested in Ghost... but you can still send us your questions!”

(Laughs) As far back as I can remember, I've always been like that! It sounds a bit silly when you say it like that, but the world loves to laugh. I've always been guided by humour, satire, even when I was playing with Repugnant. Even back then I had a bit of an ironic attitude, and I always added humorous elements to my work. I've always enjoyed both the joking and the very dark - at least on the surface - aspects of some bands. In the underground scene I know, with the exception of a few idiots who were completely dead inside, and who actually had huge mental problems, most of my friends were very funny guys, always guided by the joke and the humour. That's a very important thing to me. I can't imagine living without comedy, without the ability to laugh at almost anything. From my point of view, it's what allows us to deal with things that are supposed to make us cry. There are so many tragic and horrible events in the world, and you'll always find someone to say, "No, it's too soon to laugh about it". But for me, it's never too early. It's a very contemporary thing, to constantly question what we are allowed to laugh about, what we are allowed to say. But I really think that in the future we'll be able to start laughing at everything again, because that's how we get through things. No matter how negative or horrible the subject is, that's how we should live our lives: trying to entertain each other, allowing ourselves to have fun with almost - and I mean almost - everything.

As we said, despite this fun side, your lyrics are very serious. Nevertheless, in the eyes of some listeners, you may give the idea that all this is only a parody of Satanic codes, for fun. It is however difficult to imagine you making fun of Satanism when we know the strong links you had with the late Selim Lemouchi (The Devil's Blood) or that still unite you with Erik Danielsson (Watain), two figures who we know do not joke at all with the question...

(He cuts me off) But I don't make fun of Satanism! Not at all! That was never my intention (silence) I take the example of the book The Name Of The Rose, written by Umberto Eco. Anybody who reads this book can understand, especially in Europe, where many people grew up under a Catholic religious influence... Do you have any recollection of the Church being associated with anything comical or funny? Do you remember priests as comedians, who make you laugh and have a good time? No... Because the devil has always represented intellectualism, freedom of thought, comedy and satire, whereas Christianity has always represented the opposite: the repression of feelings and needs. For me, if you want to approach things from a satanic angle, I can't imagine a more satanic life than the one we propose! (laughs) We talk about freedom, intellectualism, laughter, not following the conformist path. There is sometimes an attitude among the people who form the underground scene that makes them confuse the totalitarian nature of the Church with its opposite. But what do you want? A totalitarian Christianity without the slightest hint of laughter or the other way? You decide... It's also a funny confusion when it comes to the symbols, rhetorical elements, references to the Bible and visual language we use, both in Ghost and in metal in general: we are all fascinated by the devil, power, all that stuff, but to my knowledge, not a single destructive empire in the history of mankind has been designated as Satanic... The number of murders perpetrated by Satanists can be counted on the fingers of a few hands, whereas the HUGE amount of people tortured, raped, killed, burned, stoned, dismembered, thrown like piles of rubbish in public places, for thousands of years, in the name of Christianity and other religions, is insurmountable. Who are those who do harm? (silence) Who are those who cannot take a joke? If you don't want to laugh and prefer to become an authoritarian person, determined to fuck people up, you should go and see a priest, it's the best thing to do...

A band like Black Sabbath had to make their non-Satanism clear early in their career because they couldn't stand to be misunderstood, both by believers and by Satanists themselves. Ghost is eminently more blasphemous than Black Sabbath, but you were never forced by events to speak out on the issue. The Telegraph newspaper recently ran the headline: "How Ghost became the acceptable face of Satanism".

I think it has a lot to do with the groundwork Black Sabbath laid fifty years ago. The first Satanic bands, like Black Widow, Coven or Black Sabbath - and I think even the Rolling Stones, although it's just a word in the title of a song (editor's note: Sympathy For The Devil /1968) - were confronted with the peculiarity of the late 60s. They were in their twenties, born in the 40s, and had taken a big leap into a new era, with all these new freedoms that their parents didn't have, who had been born in the 10s or 20s. And their parents were embarrassed by it all. The long hair alone was too much, not to mention the way they lived their sexuality and didn't care about anything. For their parents, these kids were ruining everything. Today, I dare say that our concerts probably bring together four generations of people. Those born in the 40s, others born in the 50s and 60s, then my generation, and finally the younger ones. All of these people have grown up with a pop-cultural Satan in one way or another, whether it's movies or rock music. It's not as provocative as it used to be, unless you're a puritan or a black metalhead who doesn't know how to smile and thinks that Ghost is joking with Satanism... I would like to point out something else in this regard: of course, Ghost never joked with Satan, not at all, but on the other hand, I'm not trying to embody the face of Satanism. My approach is different from that of Selim or Erik. I'm not trying to get people to take my... (fumbling for words)... whether I am a Satanist or not. At the end of the day, we're an entertainment group. I want to make people happy, but also inspire them. And while I'm doing that with my band, I take the opportunity to give the listeners an idea of what I think about things, how I feel about them. But let's say there is no... programme! (small laugh) I don't think that way. I want to do my bit to help make the world a better place, according to my vision, that of someone who grew up in the 80s with VHS of horror films. My childhood memories are of such a liberated cultural climate... We had almost no restrictions, and I combined that with my personal life, with an older brother and a very liberal mother. There was BB King in one room, the Dead Kennedys in the other, and me in the middle, playing on the table with my Star Wars figures. I believe in a very culturally liberated society, and I want to offer a kind of big buffet with all these things that made me. I think most people think like me. At least the ones I know, because there are of course people elsewhere in the world who seem to miss the great days of the KGB... I don't know what they miss most: perhaps the lack of food and the empty stalls? But it's natural to be nostalgic, to want to go back to a time when life was cool. I believe that, in the near future, the life we are talking about will be allowed to exist. We will be able to listen to rock'n'roll, eat whatever we want, kiss whoever we want as long as they agree to be kissed back, and that's regardless of gender. And the only thing I can do to move those mountains is music, making people dance and laugh. It's the only thing I've ever been interested in, and also the only thing I'm capable of doing. I can't do more, I can't do differently...

The children's choir at Hellfest singing "Come together for Lucifer’s son" is far more disturbing than any ritual with pig's blood and inverted crosses. Yet few people are shocked. Most find it fun. Ghost is thus a kind of joyful satanic expression!

I love the duality of this experience! I also have my moments where I turn into a poser doing the "invisible oranges" gesture [editor’s note: a gesture that consists of holding both hands in front of you as if you were holding oranges] when I hear something that sounds **EVIL**  (laughs) I like this aggressive, dark side, because it is also a part of me. But I chose to present this part, at least with Ghost, in a more joyful, positive way, because I believe that the Force is a balance. You have to combine the light and the dark. Everything evolves in a circular way, and if you try to trick people into using only one or the other side, it doesn't work. I don't believe in that. Doing this kind of stuff is the most intuitive way to express myself and my feelings. For me, "Monstrance Clock" with children defines me exactly, in the strongest way: it's funny and solemn at the same time, in a sacred sense... It's my more childish side because I also want to believe in supernatural things. I really do!

Because you are not an atheist.

(Firmly) No! I am not! I believe in the Force! Of all the explanations that exist, George Lucas' is the best: we have to work with the Force, it needs to evolve, but you can use it in two different ways, positive or negative. With it, you can destroy as well as rebuild...

[scriptlgbt]

I’ve asked this elsewhere, but I want to cover all my bases: Me and another blogger are in the process of writing a story, and one of the main male characters has flashbacks from a recent abusive relationship, which was with another man. Is there any way we can show this without negatively stereotyping all gay relationships? As a note: all but one of the main characters are on the LGBTQ spectrum, and there is a canonical gay relationship that’s the complete opposite of the one I described above.

TW: Intimate partner violence, details relating to it.

This will be under a cut, because my response will involve more details, including describing specific real-life dynamics and experiences related to this.

I would appreciate if this specific post were NOT reblogged, to help protect the safety of those whose stories go into this response.

These are some general things that characterize the way I think about it, and issues I've faced with it that you may want to consider.

It's extremely difficult to come forward about abuse within the community. With some people, they may come forward to police. With people in the communities I'm part of, we have a sort of whisper network. Things like just normal word of mouth, talking with friends, but also private Facebook groups and things like that.

We are significantly more likely to take people for their word on these experiences, because we, more often than the periallocishet community, know what it's like to survive horrific abuses and not be believed. The issue with this, is that abusers who are in our communities and immersed in them, know these dynamics, and some find manipulative means of flipping the script and making their victims out to be abusers.

I have an anecdote from a friend (shared with permission, read over and fact-checked) on this sort of thing. (Put in an indent so folks can skip past it.)

My friend was in an intimate partnership with another queer person and there was a lot of abuse in that relationship. There were witnesses to this abuse (mainly two, also queer -- a roommate and a friend who visited for a little bit, but didn't know a lot of people locally in the community), and things related to it that were easily logged. Things like posts online, texts, social media messages.

Both my friend and their abuser had pretty heavy mental illness, and there were some other factors that made it hard to immediately recognize the relationship as abusive, like boundary communication being assumed to be a language barrier. (Although "no" was the same word in both my friend and their then-partner's native language, these things can feel easy to dismiss when you're right in them.)

A common thing the abuser did was react extremely poorly to boundaries being made. Sometimes my friend would be having a particularly hard time trying to get boundaries communicated to land, so they would eventually decide it was easier to part ways and have time to themself. Trying to make boundaries big enough for their partner to see was basically what this tactic was, and it didn't bode well for them. Because the partner would basically shut down mentally and be a suicide risk (not explicitly threatening, but repeating past patterns of behaviour for this sort of thing) for the next while, sometimes being unresponsive to texts and so on over the course of days. My friend would have no way to check in on them and felt coerced into taking back the boundary (they didn't, and it probably wouldn't have done anything anyway).

I think a lot of people of privilege tend to do things like call cops for "wellness checks" for this kind of thing. This is something a lot of marginalized people can't safely do, for one, and for another, it's not a thing anyone with any morals at all should be doing, anyway. IMO. Both my friend and their then-partner/abuser both had trauma related to the police, especially surrounding mental health. It just wasn't an option. (I wish I could link a transcript if one existed - but I rec looking up the You're Wrong About podcast episode for Kitty Genovese for this. It's graphic, but it does talk about how Kitty Genovese being a lesbian, and there being other gay neighbours in the witnesses, that plays into why people "didn't call the police" --- the police also later used her identity to claim that being a lesbian puts you more at risk for being murdered by a serial killer or whatever.)

Anyway. When my friend finally got out of the shitty relationship, the ex would make up lists of things that they had done to my friend, only, they claimed that my friend did that to them. For a long time, even up to 6 years after the fact, they would stalk my friend and get in contact with people that they interacted with to claim that my friend had done these things. There was one point my friend was convinced into not actually coming forward about anything anymore because their abuser had made a bullshit promise that they would stop spreading lies if only my friend never came forward. It was really gross. It didn't matter in the end that my friend kept a file filled with screenshots from all the sockpuppet accounts and IP addresses matching, it didn't matter that they had texts threatening my friend's pet. Because the abuser "came forward" first, grooming character witnesses.

My friend was further alienated and would find themselves blocked on social media and kicked out of spaces they needed as a survivor of intimate partner violence.

The moral of the story is not that we should *not* immediately believe survivors. We should believe survivors.

But:

- There is a difference between justice, and punishment.

- Transformative Justice, Restorative Justice, and similar, are things that we need to invest in setting up procedure for as communities. Community desire for justice requires actual justice, not just skipping straight to what is sentencing-adjacent. Carceral “solutions” do not actually uproot the sources of injustice nor do they commit to doing anything to facilitate healing in people harmed.

- People are not things to throw away easily, and we need to actually make efforts to understand the needs of survivors.

I may try and fill in an example of how TJ or RJ can happen later, but I advise doing research for this on your own. There is a police abolitionism textbook I’m forgetting the name of which provides examples of how people use community-based solutions for conflict outside of the justice system.

I do need to note that this isn’t a venue for this topic to be explored well. I just wanted to give a glimpse into how these things have come into communities that I am in and alternatives to the justice system, especially as people who are often targeted by police.

- mod nat

[ilovejevsjeans]

Why Ricciardo doesn't want McLaren struggles to leave him 'resenting' F1

With one absolutely at the top of his game and overachieving every weekend, the other has been left perplexed by his struggles to adapt to the car.

It also means that on days Ricciardo feels he has done well, like his charge to seventh in the Austrian Grand Prix, it is all overshadowed by what his teammate has done.

As a team player, Ricciardo is obviously pleased to see Norris make progress and benchmark the MCL35M.

But it’s not making his life any easier as the world at large questions his form. Indeed he’s decided that he has to not be overly concerned about his young teammate’s pace.

“I feel like it's obviously for whatever reason been a very unexpected and difficult season so far, just from a pace point of view,” he told Motorsport.com after the Austrian race.

“And I guess the easiest way for me to kind of move forward is to accept that. Did I expect more? Absolutely. But I think if I every weekend go into it now expecting to be quicker than Lando, or whatever it is, I'm probably just going to end up resenting the sport, because clearly it's going to take a bit more.

“Clearly there's something that is missing. I feel good in the car, especially the last three weeks, it's felt better.

“I don't want to say, what's the word, wave the white flag, or succumb to whatever it is, I'm just going to not really focus or lose too much energy on that, and just accept that he's driving very well. The aim is to obviously get closer, and help the team out as well.”

In other words, he just has to focus on what he’s doing: “I think that's it, you can get lost obviously with other things. And maybe that's the wise kind of 32-year-old in me now. But I think I've just got to focus on myself, and then hopefully, I can keep chipping away at it.”

Around the time of Monaco and Baku Ricciardo acknowledged that the upcoming triple header at “normal” circuits, with two races at the same venue, would be a huge opportunity for him to learn more about how to get the best out of the car.

His French GP weekend was solid, 10th on the grid followed by sixth in the race, some 11.8s seconds behind Norris at the flag. He started 13th at the Styrian GP and had a typically good first lap to get up to eighth. Decent points appeared to be possible, but an early engine glitch cost him four places and saw him ultimately cross the line where he qualified, in 13th.

In that context the Austrian race represented a step forward, and at least he was able to fight.

“Yeah, it was better,” he said. “I think it was just the day I needed. And for sure I would say for the team, the points, it was nice to get in seventh and get points for them.

“But I mean personally, right now obviously I'm not in a championship fight, so the points are, I don't want to say irrelevant, but I think the important thing for me was just have fun, be in some battles, and put myself in a good position.

“And that's what I did, and the end result was some points, which is nice. I just enjoyed it. Obviously it's been hard to fully enjoy it when the results have not been there, so I took a bit more fulfilment from from the race.”

Ricciardo is still getting those first laps right. He passed George Russell and Carlos Sainz at the original start, and then Sergio Perez (who went through the gravel) and Charles Leclerc after the early safety car.

“I don't know if it's I'm getting old, but the first laps are a blur!,” he smiled. “I remember getting George into turn seven, I don't remember much else, but I do remember I think on lap one I got two cars, and at the safety car restart I got two cars.

“So that was good, obviously moving forward, and I needed it because obviously out of track position from qualifying. I mean it was a fun race, I saw people get squeezed off, I heard there were some penalties.

“Because we've got the big screens and a lot of long straights, you can kind of see what's going on. So sometimes I'd see a replay of someone get squeezed, and then I'd see their radio get broadcast. Hopefully the fans were entertained!”

However despite Ricciardo’s obvious satisfaction with his Sunday afternoon there was no escaping the fact that, even with a five-second penalty taken at his stop, Norris crossed the line 40 seconds earlier.

Ricciardo remains mystified by his struggles, especially in qualifying. His woes continue despite all the homework that he and his engineers have been doing as he tries to adapt his driving style.

“A little bit of the frustration was that I was pretty happy yesterday [in qualifying]. The car doesn't feel perfect, but it felt pretty good. It felt better than a 13th place car.

“So I think everything felt okay, it's just not there on the stopwatch. But from a feeling, it's getting better. Maybe it's just literally half a tenth in each corner. And then I'm there. I don't know, but it felt okay.”

On the plus side, as he had predicted, the triple-header did allow him the opportunity to log more miles and try more things in the car.

“Absolutely. And even if I overlay my data from last week to this week, I'm doing a lot more things that this car requires. So I feel like let's say my McLaren driving improved a lot, and I think that was a bit of the kind of sadness from [qualifying], that unfortunately it didn't translate into lap time yet.

“So maybe it's still a bit conscious and I'm just spending too much energy trying to drive it like that. Maybe just a few more races and then it's more my subconscious, and then I can put the car more on the edge. Maybe it's that? We'll see.”

Next stop is Silverstone – the circuit where Ricciardo made his F1 debut with HRT exactly 10 years ago. It’s not been a particularly fruitful venue for him, and third with RBR in 2014 remains his only podium finish.

New for everyone this year is the sprint qualifying format, and Ricciardo is hoping that it will play to one of his obvious strengths.

“The way my starts have been, the last three races, I think I've made minimum two places every first lap. So having a sprint qualifying actually means I'll probably start further up the grid on Sunday! So I'm happy to have two race starts.

“I think probably you have to treat it like a race. If you're being complacent then ultimately you're going to start Sunday further back, and then you're going to take all the risk on Sunday, and maybe risk the front wing then.

“So I would say right now the mindset would be just a normal approach, try to attack when possible and make the most of it.”

Ricciardo admits he has reservations about the format: “I mean pitstops make it fun, I've got used to obviously doing pitstops, and also it really gets the team involved.

“And if they execute a good pitstop, and if you undercut a car or something through a pitstop, everyone feels like they've contributed to that that victory or that result. I like the team element of it, but we'll see what it's like.”

Looking further ahead Ricciardo can only be happy about his decision to join McLaren, as it’s clear that momentum is continuing to build.

“I think at the moment, it's Lando just having the pace he's having, and obviously the speed,” he said. “The speed is there in the car. So I think that gives the team a lot of motivation as well to push hard for next year, with new regulations. But obviously something is clicking with the car. So I think that's encouraging.”

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 56 - Dir en grey live with audience scheduled! and, Thinking about the aftermath of inappropriate remarks.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome. Um, I think it was two days ago, Dir en grey announced that we will do a live show.

T, J: *applause*

T: How long has it been?

K: Well, as for proper lives, its been since last year in February when we were on the European tour. We did do the no-audience lives since then, but as for lives with an audience, thats how long its been.

T: Its a big decision, isn't it?

J: Yeah, and people have been waiting, right?

K: Well, I think people will have a lot of opinions about it, and its a bit hard to say to people, 'Please come!'... Well, as for why we havn't been doing lives, of course its because of corona..there was a risk there. As for the live venues, within these restrictions we weren't sure whether we would be able to complete the type of show we wanted to do...Like, the audience can't use their voice etc. So I was a little concerned when I thought about that, but at the same time, it's strange to say 'it can't be helped', but I thought we could at least try it once. You know, like a live show within these restrictions. We might even get some new feeling or new atmosphere out of it that we've never had before. I mean, we might not, but like, rather than not doing it and worrying, we could just give it a try once, and it might even turn us in some new direction. Then after we do it, we can think about what to do next.

J: I see. Yeah, if you spend all your time thinking it over, nothing will happen, right?

K: Yeah. Well, its not bad to do that though, I just wonder whether we might be able to create a new kind of experience in this way. We won't know if we don't try..

Kami: Um, if you don't try, you won't be able to say what it was like, will you?

K: Well, yeah, thats right. I'd like to experience it.

T: Yeah, within the restrictions, see what type of performance you can create.

K: Well, and people are slowly beginning to restart this kind of thing.

Kami: Um, doesn't it kind of feel like having a school fieldtrip, but being sick so you couldn't go, and then afterwards feeling sad that you missed out?

T: Haha

K: No, its not like that.

T, J: Hahaha

J: Nearly, Kami.

T: Yeah, nearly.

Kami: I didn't get it.

J: Your example was very easy to understand, but it was wrong.

T, K: Haha

Kami: Ok.

K: Well, well, I mean, it wasn't the right example, but the feeling is similar I suppose.

Kami: Ah! See, it is similar! I was right!

J: Oh, Im sorry Kami.

T: Haha

K: So, we're gonna do it. So for anyone who wants to experience this, I'd like you to come and see us... Ok, well..

J: Yes, today's topic is...well, this topic is a little old already, its about Mori Yoshio and the Olympic committee. He has made a run of problematic comments like 'if there are a lot of women, the meetings will last longer', and 'famous people could carry the Olympic torch only through rice fields', and has been forced to resign. Well, this has been big news, but well, this program is about 'The Freedom of Expression', so from that perspective, could you not say that he just slipped up? He slipped up, but shouldn't he still have freedom of expression? Of course, I think these were careless remarks, uttered without a sense of responsibility, but whats the best way to deal with a situation like this? What about just telling the person in question to stop it? Is that enough? So, thats the theme today, in regards to freedom of expression, of course you are free to say what you want, but what should be done if what you say is thoughtless, or clearly at odds with the common view in society? Is it ok to just criticize the comments only? So its quite a serious topic about the freedom of expression today.

T: Well, as for me, if I had to say...I'd say im in the 'if it creates further discussion then its ok' camp. Um, he's a tv celeb now, but do you remember when Sugimura Taizō won his first election? He said, 'I want to go to the high-class restaurants', you know, like political meetings at high-class restaurants? And he was criticized a lot for that. But when I interviewed him in person, I asked him about how he had felt at that time, he said he was simply just curious about whether this type of thing really went on in the world of politics. It was a pretty innocent thing, but when he said it, he was called into question massively. Thats what he said when I asked him. So I don't really think we will make any progress in situations like this, if we don't stop and think about why a person might say things before we launch an attack.

J: I see. Kaoru, what do you think?

K: Nothings come out it in terms of making a bad thing better. I think its a good thing to start a discussion out of it afterwards.

J: Yeah

K: Of course if its wrong, its wrong, but it seems natural to ???*1

J: This all reminds me of this difficult word we hear in the media a lot, 'political correctness'. Like, being forced into the political medium ground, and if you ever make a small mistake with what you say, you'll be accussed of being wrong. People are scared of being targeted like this...Even when you see press conferences, people will only ever talk about thier own position, so as an observer, even press conferences get boring. I'd like people to speak their raw words more, I want to hear what they really think. But if they did, they would be accused of saying the wrong thing. Its like you said Kaoru, if their mistake was shared it might end up heading in a better direction, but if people just immediately and triumphantly scream, 'Thats wrong!', then I have a feeling its gonna carry on like this forever. Its important to think about whether the mistake can be repaired. Anyone makes mistakes. Whatever you say, it will be different from what some other people think. And rather than fixing the mistake, I think some people see it as a game of winning or losing.

K: You can't just say 'sorry', can you?

J: No, you can't. Why is that??

K: This type of person (*Mori*) can't say it for some reason.

J: Like, 'I'M SORRY, I'M REALLY SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID!!

K: ??*2

J: Then they would understand their mistake, and be able to fix it. I think that would be ok!

T: Yeah, we should give people a chance. If you don't point out their mistake, and let them say sorry..

J: Even though it would be good to create that kind of grown-up environment, with everyone on the attack so much these days, people are so cautious about what they say now, the press conferences are more like rituals. Its become a kind of never-ending ritualistic exchange.

K: If nothing is done, Mori will never learn, right?

J: Thats right.

K: If someone just tells him he needs to change his ideas, he can take that to heart..well, did he?

J: Haha, well, I don't know, when he's that old, I don't know. But I think he probably felt something, surely. Also, we ourselves are getting old, and when we get that old, some stuff that was correct for our generation will suddenly become wrong, right? We could say something, and people would be like, 'Eh?!', even though it was fine for our generation. We are bound to be caught up like this eventually. Honestly, there will be people who saw this press conference with Mori, who didn't realise what was wrong at first. You know, with Mori's remarks.

T: People from his generation may even sympathise with him, they might not understand.

J: Yes, yes, yes. But if it was made into a public discussion, they might start to understand the problem. There might be people in that generation who don't understand that saying this type of thing about women is complete prejudice.

T: But as you said Kaoru, when people get that old, the don't like saying sorry.

K: Ah, yeh.

T: So, I want people to be aware of the discussion that can happen after that.

J: It just makes me think eventually, we'll be in that generation. It will happen to us.

T: You might say this type of thing, Joe.

J: Yeah.

K: You already do, don't you?

J: Maybe. I might have harrased people without realising it. I might have said things to people which I thought would make them happy, but actually made them think I was really annoying.

K, T: Ah, yeah.

J: When you're in that kind of position with a huge public stage, you will suffer huge effects, but when you're in my kind of position, its not as decisive, so there is a possibility I'm also doing that. Its possible Im becoming like Mori.

T: Will your radio listerners be saying, 'Joe always says that kind of thing!'?

J: Yeah, now you mention it, Hiranabe was pretty bad. haha

T: Yeah, you could just write Hiranabe here instead of Mori, and it would fit. haha

J: Haha, he would definitely say that kind of thing. So, anyway, yeah, we have to be careful with this.

K: Well, even just discussing it like this is a good step.

J: It is, yes. Ah..Kami is quiet today.

Kami: Well, I thought this was pretty bad.

J: It was bad?　

Kami: Yeah, a long time ago I used to say things about women, and I got a fierce backlash, and realised I was wrong.  Um, it was a road trip with a few adults to an onsen, we went in a few different cars. During the drive I was talking about how women always take ages in the toilet, and one of them said that she is actually really quick in the toilet.

J, T: Haha

Kami: It was possibly bad timing that she started to need the toilet just then. She said she'd be quick, so asked us to stop at the next convenience store, so we stopped at some place like that. And I was like, 'Eh?! Already?! You're back?!'. She was so fast! So after that, I repented, I realised it wasn't the same for everyone. Then I gave up the front passenger seat for her.

J: Hahaha

T: What kind of story is this?! Kami thinks the front passenger seat is some kind of treat?

Kami: Well, anyway, that happened to me. People usually have this image that women take a long time in the toilet, don't they?

J: Yeah.

T: Are they fixing their make-up and stuff?

J: Some might be, yeah.

K: Well, men also have the stand-up option, right?

Kami: I realised at that time that it all depends on the person.

J: I see.

T: Ah, thats good, Kami learned something new?

Kami: Yeah.

J: Yeah, in regards to toilets.

K: If you took a long time in the toilet at school, they used to say you were doing a poo, right?

J: Ah yeh. You had to do it quickly, or they would be saying it all day. They would be saying like, 'This guy did a poo'. I wonder what its like for kids these days? 

T: Yeah, I'd like that to disappear. I want the toilet to be peaceful.

K: You felt something was coming if you went in the stall, right?

J: Yeah, they would throw water over the top, and shout 'This guy's doing a poo!'.

T: Yeah, yeah.

J: What was that all about?!

T: Well, I think boys' toilets should all be just individual stalls.

J, K: Ahh, yeh.

J: So you can't tell whether someones doing a no.1 or a no.2?

K: But recently there are people who sit on the toilet on their phones not actually pooing, aren't there?

T: There are, yeah. Even if I'm outside desperate to go.

J: Yeah, you can tell they aren't even trying to go, or they've already finished. Its totally silent in there. Or you suddenly hear them answering their phone. Its like, 'Hey! That cubucle is for doing a poo!'.

T: This is a big problem amongst men.

J: It is.

K: Ok, shall we finish on that note, haha. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

*1,2 Couldn't catch/figure out.

To top

[whenerosmetpsyche]

Elements, Direction and Time

Tibetan astrology uniquely combines Chinese and Indian astrology. Originally brought to Tibet by bodhisattva Manjusri, Tibetan astrology was developed as a tool to explore the nature of apparent reality and relative truth. It is a system based upon a relational understanding between the directions of the Earth, the elements, the body, and the sky that underpins the foundation of Chinese astrology. This philosophy informs every day, month, and year. Below is a partial breakdown of this philosophy.

Directions

Cardinal directions and elements have associations with one another: South [summer]: Fire East [spring]: Wood West [fall]: Metal North [winter]: Water While ordinal directions (SE, NE, etc) are associated with the Earth.

These elements are associated with directions, periods of time, activities of nature, organs, and the planets and are considered forces of transformation that continually come together in harmony or conflict. 

Wood / East / Spring / Dawn / Vitality / Mobility / Liver / Jupiter Fire / South / Summer / Midday / Ardor / Destruction / Heart / Sun & Mars Earth / Center / Transitions / Fertility / Solidification / Spleen / Saturn Metal / West / Autumn / Evening / Rigidity / Cutting / Lungs / Venus Water / North / Winter / Night / Rest / Impregnation / Kidneys / Mercury & Moon

Animals were later developed to describe the characteristics of these transformations. Although they are most popularly known through their year associations, these characteristics are associated with with months, days, and even hours as well.

It is this cycle of time that is particularly interesting to my inner-astrologer, as understanding these flows can help us understand how the sky is impacting us. These cycles also view time as in context with historical patterns rather than stand-alone events that come out of nowhere as tends to be the perspective of rampant individualism.

Elemental Characteristics

Wood gives an animal sign mobility and vitality, creative power, and a softness. Wood years are transformative.

Fire gives an animal sign vitality, brilliance and transforming energy, as well as violence and intolerance. Fire years are marked by rapid evolution, conflict, and scarcity.

Earth gives stability to an animal sign along with realism and thoughtful action. Earth years are calm, prosperous and stabilizing.

Metal makes an animal sign rigid, cutting, and authoritative. Metal years are energetic and generally positive but disturbing. Few compromises can be expected.

Water gives an animal sign an open mind, flexibility, communication and intuition. Water signs are generally associated with thoughtfulness and sensitivity, but also passivity. Water years are auspicious for change and communication.

You have probably heard that this year is the year of the Metal Rat, but interestingly Tibet has a more descriptive name for this year: Kunden which means “Having all qualities” and pretty much sums up the ride we’ve been on. Tibetan year names are based on the Tibetan 60-year Jupiter cycle (adopted from India) made up a progression of elements, animals, and their resulting active or receptive polarities begin with the year of the Fire Hare and end with the year of the Fire Tiger. 

Yearly Cycles

Year of the Rat is about prosperity, progress, growth and investment. It is not a year to take risks. Year of the Cow is a year of toil that requires sustained effort to yield rewards. It is a bad year to stay idle. Year of the Tiger is unpredictable, dramatic and full of sudden developments. It is turbulent and should be approached with caution. Year of the Hare is a quiet, relaxing year that can sometimes manifests as lethargy.  Year of the Dragon is energetic and grandiose, an auspicious year for marriage and new beginnings. Usually characterized by natural disturbances.

Year of the Snake is a year of healing and rebirth. Many life-altering changes are likely akin to the snake shedding its skin. This is a powerful year where confidence tends to run high. 

Year of the Horse is a great year for energetic and ambitiousness. It is a year that brings about the impulsive urge to complete projects

Year of the Sheep is a year of rest after effort, and is a good time to pursue the arts. Year of the Monkey is an exciting year where anything can happen. A good year to seize new initiatives and take advantage of opportunity. Year of the Bird  is energetic but scattered. Many opportunities will arise, but it is difficult to see them through as distractions abound. Geopolitically this is a year associated with hardlining and repression. Year of the Dog is idealistic and justice-oriented. It is a year that brings about reflection and generosity. The year feels a bit too serious and is favorable towards those with good intentions.

Year of the Pig is optimistic and indulgent. It brings prosperity and abundance but can lead to excess. 

The elemental and animal associations align with Chinese astrology, but have additional descriptions in the Tibetan tradition. Below are the years’ English to Tibetan translations as they appear in Philipe Cornu’s Tibetan Astrology. Each year begins with the lunar new year (so January babies may be considered part of the previous year).

If a year you are interested in is not listed below, this calculator can tell you the corresponding element + animal. 

1945  Wood Bird - Protector of Earth 1946  Fire Dog + Inflexible 1947  Fire Pig - All Conquering 1948  Earth Rat + Stopping All 1949  Earth Cow - Error 1950  Metal Tiger + Custom 1951  Metal Hare - Ass 1952  Water Dragon + Happiness 1953  Water Snake - Totally victorious 1954  Wood Horse + Victorious 1955  Wood Sheep - Intoxicating 1956  Fire Monkey + Ugly face 1957  Fire Bird - Gold pendant 1958  Earth Dog + Hanging 1959  Earth Pig - Transformer 1960  Metal Rat + Having all qualities 1961  Metal Cow - Wild dog 1962  Water Tiger + Virtuous 1963  Water Hare - Beautiful 1964  Wood Dragon + Terrible 1965  Wood Snake - Varied wealth 1966  Fire Horse + Evil-crushing splendor 1967  Fire Sheep - Monkey 1968  Earth Monkey + Dagger, Jupiter 1969  Earth Bird - Peaceful 1970  Metal Dog + Ordinary 1971  Metal Pig - Erroneous, contradictory 1972  Water Rat + Guardian 1973  Water Cow - Irreligious, impudent  1974  Water Tiger + Total joy 1975  Wood Hare - Insects 1976  Fire Dragon + Fire 1977  Fire Snake - Orange 1978  Earth Horse + Messenger of time 1979  Earth Sheep - All-accomplishing 1980  Metal Monkey + Ferocious 1981  Metal Bird - Evil-minded 1982  Water Dog + Great drum 1983  Water Pig - Blood-vomiting 1984  Wood Rat + Mars 1985  Wood Cow - Wrathful 1986  Fire Tiger + Exhaustion 1987  Fire Hare - Initial 1988  Earth Dragon + Totally Born 1989  Earth Snake - White  1990  Metal Horse + Totally drunk 1991  Metal Sheep - Lord of birth 1992  Water Monkey + Name 1993  Water Bird - Glorious face 1994  Wood Dog + Substance 1995  Wood Pig - Yellow 1996  Fire Rat + Holder 1997  Fire Cow - Mighty Lord 1998  Earth Tiger + Much grain 1999  Earth Hare - Mad, drunk 2000  Metal Dragon + Oppression 2001  Metal Snake - Perfect cube 2002  Water Horse + Varied 2003  Water Sheep - Sun 2004  Wood Monkey + Liberating Sun

Some of these names are more metaphorical than others (e.g, blood is associated with wisdom and intoxication takes many forms), but more importantly point to the interaction between the element and the animal of that year. Likewise, the effects of the year can be calculated according to element and animal friendliness. 

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

[casualcatte]

[RP Journal] 12/20/2020

I really need to upkeep this journal more often, I’ve let it fall by the wayside, but recent conversations with Nan’to Vaadrage have reminded me of how important these are. They are my voice for the future generations that come after me; they’re knowledge and experiences that others may benefit from. So, I’m going to make a better effort to upkeep these. No guarantees though!

There’s been so much going on of late, it’s hard to really pin down where to even begin. I suppose the best place to start is with the best things. Edgard Beaumont and I managed to convince our friends to help us invest in a run-down inn in Shirogane.  We’ve called it The Stars’ Rest Inn and turned it into a safe-haven for hunters, mercenaries, and travelers of all kinds. We even have a weekly Open House where we open to the public as a general tavern and entertainment venue late at night. It’s become fairly popular.  We might even have to consider hiring some extra hands.

Beyond that, I’ve put the Hunt for the Saurotaun aside, which has come as a shock to pretty much everyone. Since we took up the inn… really, since I took up with Ardi… my outlook on life has changed a fair bit. Even Rae-Hann has commented on it more than once. I no longer have my fatalistic view of a hunt where I’m destined to die. I have an inn to take care of, a Found Family to support, people and friends I care about that I want to continue to be there for. 

My goals of late are to help both Edgard and the Twins, V’hala Helsi and V’ari Tia, get through their respective issues with their pasts. I want them to be able to look to a brighter future, as I have, and break free of the chains weighing them all down. I know Ardi has dreams of owning his own little cafe, but I’m hoping that maybe the Inn might be a good substitute for that. I don’t really know what dreams the twins have. They have so much drama going on in their lives and between themselves that I’ve found it somewhat difficult to connect with them on any real level.

I know more /about/ them, probably more than I ever wanted to know -- especially V’hala -- but they don’t really open up to me that much. V’hala has once or twice, Ari none at all, really, he’s more Ardi’s friend than mine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I just… I don’t know.  I don’t feel like I’m as close to them.  Not like I am with Nan’to or even E’nijah Suzume these days.

Oh… E’nijah!  I could write for days on the new and wonderful developments to this friendship!  I never really thought I’d see the day.  All those moons ago, I could barely get E’nijah to speak to me, but now, in recent days, I’ve seen a soft vulnerability to him beyond the stoic mask. When I gave him his Starlight gifts at the party yesterday, he very nearly wept and seemed to marvel over them. I honestly wasn’t sure how a gift of /weaponry/ would be received, E’nijah is ever-wary of potential harm to his person, but I took the risk in giving them to him in a very public setting with Tetsuro at his side so that he might not feel quite so threatened. 

I’m both humbled and in awe that my friendship with E’nijah has gotten to this point. I really don’t want to do anything to mess it up. I’ll have to be very gentle and continue working on gaining his trust.

Fostering friendships has really become the heart of what I do these days.  I’ve made a lot of strides with Nan’to as well -- I even got to touch the precious ears and that’s usually a pretty big deal among miqo’te.  There are a few regular patrons of the Inn on our opening nights that I’ve enjoyed getting to know as well.  Like Braeden Wolfhart and M’khada Aht.   They’re quite a pair, the two of them.  Then there was that young Raen, Ace Gira, who entrusted things to me after all the other patrons had left. He didn’t have to tell me these things, but chose to and I hope that I helped him to feel welcome in spite of them.

Goodness, I feel like I’ve still only related half of what’s been going on of late, but those are the truly important things, I think.  Just a lot of friendship and happiness being exchanged -- or maybe it’s just the holiday spirit.  Either way, I couldn’t be happier.

Tumblr Mentions @therpperson for Edgard Beaumont @starsrest-ffxiv for The Stars’ Rest Inn @yokasaris for Rae-Hann @a-little-sun​ for E’nijah Suzume

[zrtranscripts]

Radio Abel, Season Eight

Part 5 of 5

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don't know if it's just because New Canton's at the center of the government in the UK -

ZOE CRICK: I'm still getting used to that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - but now that I think about it, people do seem to be putting more effort into the way they dress these days.

ZOE CRICK: I've noticed that. For a while, I thought it was because people wanted to spruce themselves up for the royal visits, but King Jamie hasn't been visiting as much since Amelia left for... for whatever it is she's doing, and people are still looking rather flamboyant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of the cooks makes his own hats out of food wrappers.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. People are having fun, and they're less worried about looking cool than they were before the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think those hats are cool!

ZOE CRICK: That's the point. Taste is much more subjective now. [laughs] We don't have TV or newspapers, and it still takes half an hour to send a picture over ROFFLEnet, so it's harder to follow trends. People are using their imaginations instead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Speaking of imagination, here's a track by someone with lots of it.

~

ZOE CRICK: Maybe Z-Day’s made self-expression more important, not less. We can't control the V-types, and we might be confined to our settlements most of the time, but we can decide how we look, so people go to great lengths to execute their vision. It's like how women in pre-apocalyptic prisons used to improvise cosmetics out of Smarties and shoe polish.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How do you know what women used to do in prison?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I was talking to Maxine about it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dr. Maxine has been to prison?!

ZOE CRICK: No, she... [sighs] That's not the point. I'm saying that for a lot of people, clothes, hair, and makeup are important creative outlets now that we're restricted in other ways. They also help people feel normal, now that -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - now that V-types are roaming across the UK.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Here's a song to make us all feel a bit more normal.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Imagine if Vogue was still in print. Do you think they'd employ zombie models?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, with headlines like, “Gray is the New Black.” [laughs] They might struggle to find advertisers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, business side might be a bit tricky to sort out. What about the editorial?

ZOE CRICK: They'd have post-apocalyptic fashion tips.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “The Best Looks to Scavenge this Season.”

ZOE CRICK: “Make Your Own Makeup.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “10 Ways to Wear a Sports Bra.”

ZOE CRICK: Not sure about that one, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, yeah, there’s probably just one way to wear a sports bra.

ZOE CRICK: As far as I know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The other ideas were good, though. Well, maybe we should think of other style tips for our listeners.

ZOE CRICK: Why not? [laughs] Here's a song to get our creative juices flowing.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, Zoe and I tried to come up with fashion tips, but this isn't our area of expertise.

ZOE CRICK: Speak for yourself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All your ideas involve drawing cats on things.

ZOE CRICK: That's not true. I also suggested embroidering cats on things.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: My point, listeners, is that maybe Zoe and I could use your help. Send us your post-apocalyptic fashion tips.

ZOE CRICK: We'll be sharing them right after this.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back to Radio New Hope, where we're sharing tips on how to stay stylish in the zombie apocalypse.

ZOE CRICK: A lot of the suggestions we've had so far come from runners who need to be able to move quickly, evade zoms, and stay comfortable on long runs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You might think, as I did only a few minutes ago, that running is not compatible with expressing yourself through fashion, but you'd be wrong.

ZOE CRICK: Indeed, there are lots of ways to have fun with your running gear that don't affect speed or safety. Even if you're out by yourself and no one else can see you, a little bit of flare can lift your mood and make you feel more like yourself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Running On Sunshine suggests, “Novelty shoe laces are a fun way of adding color to your running outfit. You can often loot them from the children's section of sports or shoe shops, but they're also easy to make from a sturdy ribbon. Use a bit of tape or wax for the aglet.”

ZOE CRICK: Just be sure to tuck your new laces into your shoes the next time you visit the kitten pen.

~

ZOE CRICK: Today on Radio New Hope, we're taking suggestions on how to jazz up your running gear.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This next step is one for more creative runners, and it comes from Art Rate.

ZOE CRICK: Art Rate?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, like heart rate, because they're a runner, but also an artist.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] I don't know if we should be reading out people's usernames. We're just encouraging bad puns.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This episode is about self-expression, Zoe, whatever form it takes, even terrible puns.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. What does Art Rate have to say for themselves?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Decorate your running outfit with permanent marker, embroidery, and whatever embellishments you can get your hands on. As long as your number is still clearly visible to your comms operator, there's no limit to what you can do. Wearing something that truly reflects your personality can give you motivation on the most difficult runs.”

ZOE CRICK: That's a nice idea. I'll forgive the pun.

~

ZOE CRICK: Progressive Runner writes, “Hi Phil, where did you get a Dream Theater T-shirt? I'm also a fan of prog metal and have been on several runs to find old gig venues to see if there are any T-shirts left. Unfortunately, all I've found are hordes of zombified metal heads. I used to love a good mosh pit before the apocalypse, but it's just not the same when everyone's trying to bite you.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, first off Progressive Runner, please stop putting your life at risk in pursuit of merch. It's not worth it, and that's not what the bands would have wanted.

ZOE CRICK: Especially since they no longer make money from T-shirt sales.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly, which is why I don't mind letting you know that my T-shirt is a fake. Before the apocalypse, touring musicians relied on the merch stand to support themselves, but now that most of them are dead, it's no longer unethical to make knock-offs.

ZOE CRICK: Did you make your T-shirt, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of Amelia's stylists did. She's very handy with the fabric paints.

ZOE CRICK: Oh? What did you give her in exchange?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I had to promise to play this next song.

~

ZOE CRICK: What's our next fashion tip, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, it's more of a PSA. “Hi Phil and Zoe, I run Support Network, a sports bra exchange service. We travel between settlements to provide runners with the best fitting sports bras. Simply visit our message board on ROFFLEnet, tell us which sizes your settlement has and which they need. It might take us a while to get to you, but we have a huge selection of style and color in every size. For some reason, post-apocalyptic Britain has no shortage of sports bras.” That's a great initiative, don't you think, Zoe? [keyboard clicks] Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Sorry. I was just posting a request to their message board. Fellow sports bra wearers of New Canton, I suggest you do the same.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And while you do that, here's a song about sharing.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our next post-apocalyptic style tip comes from In Stitches, who says, “Here are just a few reasons why knitting is one of the most valuable skills you can learn in the post apocalypse.”

ZOE CRICK: “One, you don't necessarily need to send runners off in search of equipment. Knitting needles can be whittled from sticks, and if your settlement has sheep, wool is a renewable resource.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Two, the act of knitting has many cognitive, therapeutic, and - if you join a knitting circle - social benefits.”

ZOE CRICK: “Three, designing knitting patterns can be a great creative outlet, and since they can be conveyed using just symbols, they can be quickly shared over ROFFLEnet.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Four, larger needles can double as anti-zom weapons, as long as you aim for the eyes and remember to clean the blood off them before you get back to your knitting. The last thing you want is to make an infectious jumper by mistake.”

ZOE CRICK: That's, uh, resourceful. We'll be back with more fashion right after this.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If knitting's not your thing, our next correspondent has a great idea for making some stylish winter clothes. “Next time you're out on a supply run, make a detour to a toy shop and pick up some plushies. A little reverse taxidermy - "

ZOE CRICK: Oh no!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Plushies aren't real animals, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: I know, but I couldn't look one in the eye and take out its stuffing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh... our less sensitive listeners can use this method to generate bundles of fake fur, a versatile fabric that'll help you stay warm and, thanks to the pre-apocalyptic trend for cuddly unicorns, colorful.

ZOE CRICK: I think I'll stick with the knitting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If it makes you feel any better, no plushies were harmed in the making of this next song.

~

ZOE CRICK: Polished in the Apocalypse says that a manicure adds a splash of color to your running look without impeding your movement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm surprised we didn't think of that one ourselves. One of Amelia's first acts as prime minister was to open a nail bar at New Canton.

ZOE CRICK: She was accused of extravagance at first, but it's actually become a community hub. People go there to relax and come away feeling a little more, well, polished.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I've only just noticed, Zoe, each one of your nails is a different color.

ZOE CRICK: I couldn't choose. Amelia reserves all the Chanel nail polish for herself, but there are still plenty of other varieties for the rest of us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the rest of us in New Canton, maybe. What about everyone else?

ZOE CRICK: Until Amelia makes nail bars mandatory for all settlements, why not grab a few bottles of nail polish the next time you're on a low stakes meds run to a chemist? Just be sure to apply it in a well-ventilated area.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A word of caution now from Nine Fingers, who says, “Jewelry adds sparkle to any outfit and can be a great way of expressing your individuality, especially if you make your own. However, think twice before wearing it on a run. Necklaces are easy for zoms to grab, earrings can be torn out, and rings are a risk if you're using weapons. Trust me.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, if you're fond of jewelry, maybe keep it for when you're safe in your settlement.

ZOE CRICK: That’s sound advice. Also - naming no names, Runner Thirty-Seven - don't scavenge jewelry off dead zombies, no matter how on fleek it is. You're asking to get infected. And on that note...

~

ZOE CRICK: It's not just jewelry that you can enjoy when you're not at risk of zombie attacks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Loads of our listeners have written in to suggest items you can use if you'd like a more flamboyant settlement look.

ZOE CRICK: Silk flowers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Craft supplies.

ZOE CRICK: Stickers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fridge magnets.

ZOE CRICK: Christmas decorations.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Basically, listeners, as long as you're not using something that might be better deployed for a more practical purpose, there's no limit to the fun you can have with your personal style.

ZOE CRICK: Speaking of fun, here's a song that always puts a smile on my face.

~

ZOE CRICK: Our last suggestion comes from Fairy Zom Mother, who writes, “No one has space for a large wardrobe anymore. That doesn't mean you can't wear something special if the occasion demands. It's nice to dress up once in a while, so why not implement a share and swap system at your settlement so people can borrow clothes, shoes, and accessories?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wonder how long it would take to get that set up in New Canton. I've actually got a special evening planned soon.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, is it a date?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe? I'll tell you all about it during this next song.

~

ZOE CRICK: Um, I think the orange ones might be a bit much.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, and we're live.

ZOE CRICK: Sorry about that, listeners. Recently we've learned that there's a way for everyone to express themselves through fashion, even in the post-apocalypse, but we'd like to add that not everyone has to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's right. Some people don't even bother to brush the cat hair off their jumper before they come to work, and that's just fine.

ZOE CRICK: The cat hair is a deliberate part of my aesthetic, Phil. Our point is that everyone's priorities have changed. Most dress codes died with the apocalypse and few of us mourn them. You're no longer likely to be turned down for a job because you couldn't get your hands on an expensive suit for the interview. Nowadays, people are valued for doing what they do best.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And on that note, let Zoe and I do what we do best and play you a song.

ZOE CRICK: Until next time, listeners.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello again, citizens.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, before you say anything else, there's something important we need to discuss.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this about getting a pet for the show again? Because I thought we settled that.

ZOE CRICK: We haven't, but no, this is about something very upsetting I found on ROFFLEnet today.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, the Radio New Hope fanfic? Hmm. There's one of you and me being turned into zoms on air that is both deeply disturbing and shockingly well-written.

ZOE CRICK: Again, no. What I found is a thread on ROFFLEnet called “Radio New Hope Has Changed” full of people - well, full of two people - who think we've lost our touch. Look, Just_Saying_108 says, “It breaks my heart. Zoe and Phil aren't what they used to be.” And then Radio_No_Hope says, “It all started when they got into bed with Amelia.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm assuming in my case they mean metaphorically.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, we need to take this seriously. If our listeners aren't happy, we're not happy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's only two people, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: That's two too many.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, I've got an idea.

ZOE CRICK: Wonderful, I knew you'd think of something. Tell me right after this.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, some of you think we've changed, and while change can be good, we want to make sure we're still giving you the content you deserve.

ZOE CRICK: That sounds vaguely threatening.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's why we're going to crowdsource our content again. I have reopened our inbox for suggestions on what Radio New Hope should do next. We're open to anything. Except turning zom on air.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, nobody's going to ask for that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You haven't seen the comments on that Radio New Hope fanfic. Anyway, listeners, please send in your thoughts. Who knows? Your idea might become our next segment.

ZOE CRICK: We did get some great suggestions last time. It'll be good to round up some new ones.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly! Now everyone put your thinking caps on, and here's a song to get you in a creative mood.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, listeners, it's time to open the suggestion box and find out what you'd like to hear on Radio New Hope... Huh.

ZOE CRICK: Is that it? I thought we'd get a few more suggestions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, maybe it's a sign we're not so bad after all.

ZOE CRICK: No, we can't get complacent. Some listeners aren't happy with us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Two listeners.

ZOE CRICK: It's just that with all that ROFFLEnet talk of us having changed, I thought we'd get a bit more feedback. Still, we'll go with what we've got.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We need to drumroll first.

ZOE CRICK: Seriously?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There are few things in life that can’t be improved with a drumroll. Scientific fact.

ZOE CRICK: Fine. Drumroll, please.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters rapidly] Drumroll drumroll drumroll drum drum drum drum drum cymbal!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Zom_Truther writes, “What if you ate some of that red fungus live on air? We know the prime minister is lying about the danger and hoarding it for herself.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that's a bad idea. What did I say about us not turning zom on air?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, Truther, we're not going to eat red fungus. Amelia isn't lying... about that, at least.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's right. And uh, please don't test your theory out for yourself.

ZOE CRICK: We'll be back with more of your hopefully less reckless suggestions after this song.

~

ZOE CRICK: Time for another look at our surprisingly meager suggestion box. Come on now, we know you have great ideas, so send them in. This one from Zombologist. “I love that doctor advice show - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The Drs. Maxine and Paula one? Us, too. Listeners, if you're not tuning in to that show as well as ours, you're missing out.

ZOE CRICK: Definitely. Anyway, the letter says, “I love that doctor advice show, but they only focus on the bodies and minds of the living. What about the study of zombies? I think you should bring a zombie into the studio and do some tests. I have a few experiments in mind. See attached for details.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh... Oh, that's... Was that diagram the right way up? How would that even work?

ZOE CRICK: I'm not sure, but I think those are electrodes, or possibly poisonous snakes? Either way, Zombologist, we have a pretty strict no zoms in the studio policy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What can we do? Hands tied.

ZOE CRICK: Much like the zom in that illustration, I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that's about as close as I want to come to that scenario. Let's clear it from our minds with this song.

~

ZOE CRICK: Well listeners, a few more suggestions trickled in during that last song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We are seriously considering some of the less extreme ones, such as an interview with King Jamie or a Z-Day retrospective.

ZOE CRICK: This one is from Inquiring_Mindz - with a Z, naturally. “What about a show that gives a look at the human side of politics?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So far, so good. At least there are no zombies involved.

ZOE CRICK: “I'd love for us to get a closer look at Prime Minister Spens’ flat. It must be lovely. She has marvelous taste, after all.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let me see that. [paper rustles] “You could describe the art, the architecture, any documents that are lying around, the paint, the paint colors, any plans you might find in the drawers...”

ZOE CRICK: Come on now, Inquiring, you're asking us to spy on Amelia. Even if I did do that - which, of course, I wouldn't - there's no way I'd out myself by sharing it on air.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How restrained of you.

ZOE CRICK: What can I say? I prefer not to incur the wrath of the most powerful woman in the country. Nice try, Inquiring, but we're broadcasters, not espionage agents. And that's all of them, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Right, thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Uh, even the more... creative ones. Let's celebrate your ingenuity with this next number.

~

ZOE CRICK: You'll never guess what.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm sure I won't.

ZOE CRICK: You weren't a very funny child, were you? I went back on ROFFLEnet to see if that thread had more positive things to say about us now that we've been through the suggestion box. However, turns out I misinterpreted the whole thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So people don't think Radio New Hope has changed for the worse?

ZOE CRICK: They do, but it's not the broadcasts they think have changed, it's us. They think we're doppelgängers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like Zoe and Phil's evil twins?

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. It's not clear if they think we've been brainwashed into thinking we're real Zoe and Phil or if we're in on it, but Radio_No_Hope says, “There's no way Amelia would allow a free press unless she could control it, and that means controlling Phil and Zoe.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they do have a point, but ci-ti-zens, do not fear, we have not been replaced by ourselves.

ZOE CRICK: How do you know?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What do you mean, how do I know? I know who I am.

ZOE CRICK: Or do you? What if you just think you do? Listeners, we'll get to the bottom of it right after this next song.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let me get this straight. You think I could have been replaced by a double without you noticing? You noticed when I changed my hair parting last month.

ZOE CRICK: Now that I think about it, that could have been a sign you were Phil 2.0.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm. If that's the case, anything could be a sign. How do I know you're not Evil Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: My name's still spelled with a Z. Evil Zoe would definitely swap out the Z for an X... I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're not sure?

ZOE CRICK: Radio No Hope said it. There could be brainwashing involved.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So let me get this straight. You think Amelia found doppelgängers of us?

ZOE CRICK: Or cloned us. Always a possibility.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course, and then she brainwashed said doppel-clones because - ?

ZOE CRICK: Because she wants to control the press. Although there might be an even more devious reason. We are talking about Amelia, after all. I'll think it over during this next song.

~

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Have you figured out why Amelia might possibly want to replace us with brainwashed clones?

ZOE CRICK: No. I mean, yes, but one of the reasons only works if we meet the clones, and the other one requires mint and a trampoline. I wonder if the fact that I can't figure it out is a symptom of the brainwashing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's convenient.

ZOE CRICK: And I wonder when it began. Do you think it all started when Amelia gave us this hideous red furniture?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Green.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hideous green furniture.

ZOE CRICK: I don't know what you're talking about. The furniture is red. Maybe new Phil is colorblind?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're kidding, right? It’s green.

ZOE CRICK: Am I kidding, or are you different now?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know what? There's an easy way to settle this. I'm going to ask someone who has been in here what color the furniture is. Don't you move. Just, uh, play a song and I'll be right back.

[door opens]

ZOE CRICK: [giggles] Now that he's gone, listeners, between you and me, the couches are definitely green. I know that was a tiny bit rotten of me, but I couldn't resist. While we wait for Phil's triumphant return, here's a song that any version of me would love.

~

[door opens]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God, you're right.

ZOE CRICK: Right about what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: About the doppelgängers. Everyone confirmed it. The furniture in here's red, but I see green, so I must be colorblind now. Maybe all clones are.

ZOE CRICK: Wait, who did you ask?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, Nadia, Runner Thirty-Seven. They said it's red. Now that I'm a clone, I wonder if I still like the same foods. Remind me, how do I feel about jam?

ZOE CRICK: You're... you're joking, right? Because the couches are green. I was just pulling your leg.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, so you see them as green, too? Maybe we're both clones.

ZOE CRICK: I guess. I -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or maybe we're from an alternate reality, one where people don't play pranks on their lovely radio cohosts because they might get paid back in spades!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You - you almost had me going there! [sighs] Well, I guess I might have deserved it. A little.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A little?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, no comment. All I can say is that I'm happy in this universe with the best cohost ever. This next song is for you, Phil, because you're one of a kind.

~

ZOE CRICK: That whole business with the doppelgängers has got me thinking, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not again.

ZOE CRICK: No, not that we're clones or anything like that. I've been thinking about conspiracy theories. Do you think there are more of them now after Z-Day?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Probably. Look at all the things we've gone through. Uh, Sigrid, Moonchild, the Curly Wurly shortage. That's enough to make anyone a little paranoid.

ZOE CRICK: I don't know. I think maybe it's the opposite. All of the conspiracies since Z-Day were eventually exposed. Even if we were replaced by clones, someone would find out and tell people about it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You have a point. Kind of reassuring in a way.

ZOE CRICK: I hope so. For the concerned ROFFLEnet folks, don't worry. If Phil and I are ever replaced by clones, you'll find out about it soon enough, probably from someone at Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Very true. We're counting on you, Runner Five.

ZOE CRICK: And if the worst should occur, avenge us!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But in the meantime, we hope all of you carry on enjoying Radio New Hope with the real Phil and Zoe. This one's for everyone who's dedicated to staying true to themselves.

~

[primedirection]

Needy

Harry thinks Y/N is needy

Weeks go by and almost all has been swept under the rug. As far as you knew Harry had been completely oblivious to the event he missed. Only ever asking questions about it when seeing the trophy and although it made you furious. Very furious. You made the conscious decision to pretty much pretend it never happened in order to save yourself the grief.

Why get so worked up over something that wasn't even a blip on his radar? He probably wouldn't react the way he's supposed to, therefore causing more drama so there was really no point.

Especially since he gets swept into a mania of his own and things are a little tense. Four different performances this week, a televised album release party slash live show, not including other TV appearances, and the perfectionist in him is running wild.

Okay so actually.. things are super tense these days.

The late rehearsals and early sound checks were meshing together. Cutting into the limited time that you two barely had to spend together. Since he was bound to start his international promotional tour in the following weeks.

Today it was Harry's idea to come out and spend the day with him and yet you wished to be anywhere he wasn't.

While in the backseat of a town car on the way to the venue, Harry was completely and utterly glued to his phone. Scowl on his face and stress apparent in the tension of his shoulders. You thought that it would help if you loved on him little bit, maybe with a warm squeeze around his tummy and chaste kiss to the cheek. So you did just that. Smiling an encouraging, "Love you," up at him and waiting for the returned gesture.

But you couldn't have been more wrong.

Harry flinches instinctively, startled more or less and when you smile at him he frowns thoroughly irritated, "Can yeh give me two bloody minutes to breathe? I literally feel like I'm suffocating!" he snaps.

Hurt, you deflate immediately muttering a quick, "Sorry," before sliding back on your side as close as possible to the window. Trying to give him the space he needed.

Harry kills all hope of the ride becoming pleasant again when he huffs a grim but satisfied, "Thank you." Then occupies himself with his phone again.

He doesn't say another word until you arrive at the venue, and it's to a production manager. You get a tour of the backstage area and then of the enormous arena itself. In that process your previous inner turmoil was put out by empathy and pride. All at once you understood why he was so on edge but you were also extremely proud of him. Jeff had just informed him that it was a sold out show too. That all these empty seats would be filled up just to see him.

Filled with enamor, you couldn't help yourself when you catch him coming off the stage. Quietly discussing a delay in the equipment set up with Jeff. A playful pat on his butt instantly grabs his attention and you smile excitedly, "You would be the one to sell out this massive place, I'm so happy for you babe!"

Jeff quickly makes himself scarce and for the lack of an audience your grateful. But perhaps you should've taken note because once again Harry startles in an irritable way. The muscles in his jaw taught as he suddenly and briskly ushers you by the upper arm to an unoccupied area backstage, "Jesus Christ, why are you everywhere I turn? You do realize that I'm working right now, right? I don't have time to deal with this needy shit all day."

Though this time around you struggle to just take it on the chin. Harry was literally treating you like some burden that begged to come and not like you had to clear your whole schedule of things that were actually top priority just to be here. "Needy? I'm just trying to be supportive!"

"Okay and you can't do that from the stands? You're not some sort of puppy that needs to be wrapped round my leg Y/N! Look, I know I invited you but the point is to enjoy the ride and go with the flow not stand in my way." The fact that he lowers his voice and yet his tone is blaring really hits you in the feelings.

It wasn't just because he was stressed but he genuinely felt that way.

Suddenly, you didn't want to be here nonetheless anywhere near him. You hoped that he detected your new jilted attitude, "Sorry, you're right. From now on you wont even know I'm here." You smile so overtly sweet it bleeds of sarcasm.

Harry doesn't even realize the lack of sincerity in it anyway. Stalking off after a surly, "Perfect." Leaves his lips.

With that you go to sit in the stands as he wanted, but on your way theres commotion coming from the same direction Harry just went. In the distance you spot him greet one of his opening acts with the most enthusiasm in the world. Hugging her and laughing with her like there wasn't a care in the world. When literally less than a minute ago he was yelling at you. Suddenly you couldn't get away from him fast enough. Only finding solace in the nosebleeds rather than the enticing idea of going home altogether.

This is disturbingly new. You'd been to plenty of Harry's shows where his moods often ranged from amped to sometimes getting nervous enough to maybe make him a little frustrated. But even then it wasn't unleashed on you, and like that. How could he treat you one way and in the next breath switch it up? You didn't like that one bit.

Watching his set was too difficult to enjoy anymore due to bias, unable to stop playing his words in your head. Needy? Was it really needy to show him some love in times he was obviously anxious? Definitely not, and even if it was it didn't give him an excuse to be an asshole about it. Especially since he wanted you to come in the first place.

Rehearsals drag on for what feels like eternity. Costume changes and numerous sound checks later, lunch is offered in the catering area but you politely decline. Hanger seemed like such a small price to pay in exchange for being subjected to his unnecessary attitude. In this case distance was best for the both of you.

Proven when he doesn't even bother to come look for you, or say anything really, at least not until he's ready to go home. Even then it's only a text.

On the ride home his mood has done a total 180. In the greatest mood to talk about his band mates and opening act's hijinks. You honestly tried not to take the way he acted personally but the complete personality flip made it impossible. How could he be that unfair?

Making it a point to avoid any and all contact with him by sitting in the same position as you had when you arrived. He uneasily takes notice, "Alright?"

"Yeah, just tired..." Of your bullshit! You mentally add on glaring out the window. Conveniently he received a phone call anyway.

Once you get home you decide to cure your possible hanger and make something quick to eat. Missing Harry reappear in the room in the process, "I guess catering doesn't count as dinner huh?" He attempts to be playful with you to check your temperature. Your unusual silence naturally made him uneasy.

"I didn't eat. Didn't want to risk overcrowding so I stayed in the stands," Like you wanted! You ached to add but held your tongue.

He doesn't dwell on it anyway. Chirping and fluttering about behind you as you make your way around the kitchen and to the table. "Love, guess what... I get to do a funny skit with James in a couple days!"

"That's great," you reply sitting down and albeit with forced enthusiasm.

He wordlessly follows suit practically singing, "Do yeh wanna come watch? It'll be fun."

Your sarcasm comes instinctively with a sharp roll of your eyes, "Like today? Hard pass, enjoy yourself though."

Harry's eagerness melts away like an ice cube on a hot summer sidewalk. No longer in the mood for elusiveness, "Alright I'll bite, what's going on with yeh?"

"With me? Nothing." You shrug shoveling around the food on your plate, loosing your appetite more and more by the second. Impending doom so palpable you could damn near taste that instead.

"Doesn't seem like nothing," he retorts with a brow cocked expectantly.

He could go to hell with the explanation he thought he deserved, "Doesn't matter," you sigh pleading to the high heavens that he'd leave it alone so that once again you could save yourself the agonizing grief.

Just as stubborn as you are he continues to push, "Based on how you're acting, it apparently does. So what is it?"

"Just drop it Harry," you groan agitated. At this rate you'll definitely be staying in the guest room tonight.

"No," This time he takes it a step further and moves your plate out of reach so that there was nothing to distract you. "Tell me." He demands.

Though the manner in which he does it is not to simply just to get to the root of the problem and solve it, but seems to be just for the confrontation. To point fingers at you being the problem, and so you snap, "Okay fine! You treat me like shit and it's not okay."

Unsurprisingly his face contorts into total confusion, "Where's this coming from?!"

But you're all too thrilled to remind him, "In the car and in rehearsals. One minute you're snapping at me for being needy when I was just trying to offer support, and in the next you're giving all the love and admiration to your opener and everyone else you work with!"

The frown etching on his face told you that he was going to deny everything and he did not disappoint, "No I wasn't, yeh were all over me,"

"Yeah okay, because reminding you that I love you and how proud I am is smothering?" An incredulous dry laugh summons itself, "Really?"

"When I'm in the middle of a conversation with Jeff! Obviously at that moment I was frustrated." Harry argues.

"You weren't frustrated when you hugged Kacy and joked around with Mitch right after! It's like everyone else gets a pass except me, but you know what it doesn't matter. Just keep that same energy so that I can properly navigate you. Because if I was suffocating then then I must be suffocating all the time." You glumly add, standing up and grabbing the plate you no longer had any interest in eating anymore.

In response Harry sighs loudly, and for a moment you start to believe that he's beginning to come to his senses but a quick glance reveals the most condescending and patronizing eye roll with it. Eventually he stands too, restoring his chair the way he found it. A passive yet aggressive, "Just forget I fucking asked," muttered under his breath.

Irking you enough to toss the plate absentmindedly into the sink, "Or just be a man about it and fucking own it!" You shout at him angrily.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? I can't own something yeh literally made from nothing!" He shouts back.

"From nothing are you kidding me?! Why the hell is it so hard for you to admit when you're wrong! I am so tired of sweeping everything you do under the rug! I let that stupid fashion show slide but today-" Before you can get the words out properly its like something literally clicks in Harry's head. Making him angry as well.

His fingers rake frustratedly through his silky mane, "So that's what this is really about hmm? Why you've been acting so-" He exhales heavily through flared nostrils. You stare annoyed but patiently wait for him to make his point, "For fucksake how many times do we have to go through this? She is just a friend! Ken needed me-"

It's a combination of things. The way he says it and the gall of what he actually says that makes you feel three words short of a brain aneurysm. You explode, "She needed you? Harry, I needed you!" Your chest heaves from the exertion of shouting, "I made an absolute fool of myself that night! That had almost nothing to do with her and everything to do about us! The one fucking time I ask you to put me first, I'm last on your list. I know it's not the Grammy's or the Met Gala but it was important to me."

His head shakes in denial as he forces himself not to roll his eyes again, "Yeh miss things that are important to me all the time Y/N and I never whine about it!"

"If I'm whining about it its because there's a huge difference in not being able to catch a flight across the world at the last minute and not showing up to something on a whim— something I've been talking about for the past three years now!" You yell, so angry that it's actively getting harder to see straight. Apparently the wound had been fresher than you both thought.

"That's not fair," he argues. In his mind the situations were like comparing oranges to apples.

"Exactly." You concede folding your arms across your chest. Getting him to see the error in his ways was something like playing chess. Though the point wasn't to defeat but to enlighten. "How am I supposed to feel when you still don't even seem all that sorry or remorseful about it?"

Defense takes reign over Harry's better judgment as he starts to feel like this unethical argument is not meant for him to win, "Really? Over a bloody office party?!" He scoffs incredulous and somewhat amused at the same time. "I could understand if I did something actually wrong and horrible but this doesn't equate-"

At that another agonizing explosion erupts within and hits hard mentally and emotionally. Starting out as a fit of rage when you slam your hand down on the counter in reflex but rapidly that dwindles down into crushing defeat. It wasn't just the attempt in basically talking to a brick wall but the fact that he didn't want to accept what he did wrong. Maybe ego or even his foolish pride is to blame, either way he just wasn't going to.

Obviously you were wasting your breath but there was just one important fact that your very own pride wouldn't allow you to leave without getting it off your chest first, "Stop calling it that! Stop trying to diminish what it was! Because even if it was a lemonade stand it wouldn't have made the slightest difference — it was important to me Harry."

His gaze passively transfers to kitchen floor and for a few moments you wait for him to say something—anything. But when nothing comes you give up, heading straight to the guest room a total mess. So overwhelmed with frustration and emotions.

(AN: Come share your thoughts with me!xx)

Next Part

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #305

“you want me to be yours, well then you’ve got to be mine, & if you want a good girl, then goodbye”

Do you call the ice cream topping "jimmies" or "sprinkles"? They're "sprinkles" down here. What music are you listening to? Ha, I just turned on music before starting this. "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment is on rn. If you go to school (HS or college) does your school have a rival? N/A Have you been baptized in any religious tradition? Yeah; I was born in a Roman Catholic family. My mom's mom would've probably had a heart attack if us kids weren't. At family gatherings, are you more likely to hang out with the younger or older relatives? I mean, I'd go for those my age or older, generally. I'd hang out with kids though if they wanted me to. Considering you current health, how long do you think you will live? With my CURRENT health, probably not even 80. Do you have anything in your room that would be 'weird' to others? Posters, yeah. Have you ever done geocaching? No, but it'd be cool if my body could actually handle taking a single goddamn step. What was the last game you won? Maybe Uno with my niece? I generally let her win, but occasionally I'm "lucky" to TRY to be more convincing, lol. I think she knows I let her, though. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Do you enjoy playing Monopoly? Why or why not? No, because I don't like board games, especially any that involve math. Is there a doorknocker on your front door? No. Do 'laugh tracks' on TV shows annoy you? They're so normal that I don't even notice them, really. Do people often mistake you for other ethnicities? If so, what do you usually get? No, I'm pretty obviously white. Has anyone famous ever attended your school? Who? I won't say his name for the sake of not connecting dots, but a well-known football player attended my high school. Have you ever had to attend an event that occurred on your birthday? Ha, my 16th birthday landed on the Super Bowl... I was at Jason's that night, and just to be "part of the family," we watched it with everyone else that came over. I was so bored and uninterested, but that's my own fault, really. I could have said something, but this was only a month into our relationship so I was too uncomfortable to speak up. What do you think makes a girl a slut? Do you believe that label is thrown around far more often than it should be? And finally, do you think it's unfair that mostly only women receive that label? I don't give a flying fuck how many people a girl is sexually involved with so long as she is safe and open and honest with her partners. I'm not a fan of the word and don't think anyone should be called it. Do you think it's bad to have sex at 15 or younger? I don't think it's smart, really. It's just too young to risk pregnancy. Yes, abortion is an option, but like... a 15 y/o girl should never be faced with that dilemma. I'ma be real tho, I don't think it's a "good" idea until you're at least 18, aaaand I don't know any non-virgin who waited that long. Just try your best to wait, ig. Favorite love song at the moment? Love songs never sit well with me anymore. I mean I can enjoy them, absolutely, I just... have a lot of bitterness. Trying to pick a favorite when you feel like that is like trying to pick the best-looking rotten apple of the bunch. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? I've done that already, and it was great but also scary in a massively homophobic state. Ever paid for sex? No. During thunderstorms, how does your pet react? Neither have a unique reaction; they're unfazed. What internet browser do you use? Google Chrome. Do you like eggnog? Noooo no no. How often do you see your mother? Every day, because I live with her. Do you like croutons in your salad? No, I really don't like the texture difference. Who did you last play truth or dare with? I don't know. Have you ever brewed your own mead, wine, beer or soda? No. Have you had to make any changes in your life lately? If so, what kind of changes? ugh What's the earliest popular thing you can remember from your childhood? Ummm. I mean, probably like Barney or Elmo? Do you prefer practicality or fashionability when it comes to clothes? Well, really neither. I'm the type that wears tank tops in snow, flipflops year-round, sweatpants in summer... so I don't really dress with practicality. I don't care what's "fashionable," so. Comfort pretty much reigns over my wardrobe. Which kinds of berries grow in the wild where you live? There are these little red ones that grow in little groups and somewhat resemble raspberries. I can't remember if they're edible, though... Oh, and muscadine grapes (I had to look up if they were berries lmao) can be found here, too. They're yummy. Beautyberries are another. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what's your go-to game at one? Even before Covid, I never really went to them. I enjoy them, though. I guess my favorite is maybe air hockey? When's the last time you had an alcoholic beverage? What was it? At the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. It was some kind of sangria... Maybe strawberry and peach? Idr, but it was good. What has been the most enjoyable job you've had? You assume I've had a job I actually enjoyed. How about the least enjoyable job? Well, I barely lasted two hours in a dairy, soooo... When's the last time you had to carefully plan how you used your time? You're asking the wroooong person, 'cuz my life is never busy enough for that. Who do you usually say hello or good morning to first? My snake Venus, usually. Well, that is if her head is peeking out of her hide or is just fully out. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? I don't really have gamer friends anymore, so not really. What do you hope you grow out of? Being so goddamn dependent. What movie made you cry the most? I can't say for sure considering it's easy for movies to make me cry, lmao. Maybe Titanic. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Seeing a container of dog food in the far back behind the Christmas tree one year. It's how I learned I was finally gettinga dog (Teddy). What brings you the most joy in life? Probably my cat lmao. What's a hobby you would like to try out? I wanna get back into video editing, I just. Don't have the motivation for it anymore. As with most things. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? On the lips and with mutual intention. What was the last event you attended? Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's, ig. How about the last event you organized? Me? Organizing an event? What's the biggest insect you've ever seen? In the wild, probably like... a rhinocerous beetle or something. NO NO WAIT. I remember at least once in my life seeing a fucking GINORMOUS moth on the ground one morning. I don't know what kind it was, but jc it was huge. How about the biggest spider? Oh yikes, I'll never forget this: an orb weaver wandering across the floor of our childhood van and under the passenger's seat. Never saw it again. I was afraid to let my feet stay on the floor for a looong time, haha. What's something you'd never ever dare to ask another person? I'd never ask certain "why" questions, like "why did you get an abortion?" or something like that. I can think of valid situations to ask most things, even controversial matters, but no one should ever have to justify something like that. "Why don't you have kids?" is another. That one gets to me. Having children is not an advancement or milestone in everyone's life, and hell, you never know if the woman's had like five miscarriages or something. What's something you've always wanted to ask someone but haven't dared? Why Mom didn't raise her eldest daughter, at least for her whole life. Katie's childhood is a big mystery to me, and I want to know more, but I know the topic is very upsetting to Mom, so I'm not about to make her explain it. What's the worst/best thing you've done without your parents knowing? Saying "worst/best" makes this question confusing... but I'm guessing you mean the best thing to me that they wouldn't have approved of? I really didn't do a lot of things that would fit that description. I can only think of a certain intimate occasion where things happened where they probably shouldn't have. If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? Ugh, I don't because of the holes being too stretched out from wearing heavy earrings too long. I still haven't gotten to putting proper gauges in so it looks less stupid. Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? Maybe like, $10 or something. How about a slot machine? I've never played one. Do like playing bingo? Sure, it's all right. What small, everyday thing makes you really happy? Cuddling with my cat. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one's your favorite? Yeah, I do. I can't really pick a favorite, though... Is there a substance you avoid at all costs? If so, what is it and why? I think in a past survey I mentioned my aversion to beer because of the association it has with my dad. I'd never be able to get a sip down. Not that I really want to anyway though, it stinks. What you would you absolutely hate living next door to? Any really busy location or travel hubs, like a train station. My childhood home was near a railroad track, and it sucked, so I can only imagine a station. What would you love to live next door to? A waterfall, uggghhhh. In the woods too to hear plenty of frogs and toads and crickets... What gives you nostalgia? It is very easy to make me nostalgic. The littlest things can do it. Hearing about/seeing/playing childhood video games, like Spyro, is a biggie. Which reminds me how damn badly I wanna play the Reignited trilogy, fuck. I just don't have the proper console. Which language do you think is the most complicated to learn? Well English is supposedly the hardest objectively, but as a native English speaker, I can't say anything about that. In my experience, Latin was like fucking impossible. Is there a place that you might call your second home? I guess Dad's house, but it's not like I'm there a lot. I feel comfortable there, though. How do you imagine your later life to look like? I DO NOT want to think about this. I fucking dread the thought. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? A butcher. There is absolutely no motherfucking way I ever could do it, even if it kept me off the streets. What's the weirdest building in your city? *shrug* How do you keep in touch with friends usually? Facebook. Do you recognize friends'/family's vehicles by sound? Not anymore. Dad had an old car that was very easy to recognize with its shitty muffler, but he hasn't had that car in years upon years. I used to be able to recognize Jason's old car too because of sound, but primarily because he drove way too fast down our path that when I heard a car zooming over rocks, I knew it was him. What's something new you've just recently learned? It was actually a topic of recent discussion that I may have high-functioning Asperger's. Very, very unusual to learn later in life, but apparently Mom's seen the warning signs in some things since childhood, like my extreme pickiness with textures, my tendency to knead and play with my hands in situations of discomfort, my social ineptitude, hyperfixations, it actually running in our family (which I didn't know beforehand), among a lot of other things. We're not really digging into it though because it just doesn't matter; there's obviously no magic treatment for autism, and me being in therapy and having a psychiatrist to handle my meds is enough. If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? Apparently I'm on the Hufflepuff/Gryffindor line when I took a survey a long time ago. Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not anymore, at least on the average day. Mom's accepted it by now. Dad's joked about it before though and I know others have certain opinions about it. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Maybe a deer. Shy, reclusive, and always on alert. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Yeah. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? I have "my boy" by Billie Eilish on right now because it's stuck in my head. What's your father's middle name? John. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Yikes, good question. I think it was The Lion King remake. Have you ever vandalized? No. What's a pet you've always wanted? Most pets I want I've had at some point or another... I guess I'll say a ferret, though I've really only wanted one in concept. I could never keep up with their maintenance, but by god they are the cutest fucking things ever. Do you like mice? I love mice! What's your favorite t-shirt? My "equal in our bones" Cloak shirt. :''') The design is so beautiful and just my style in general, plus I live to support anything Fischfuck takes part in. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? I'm 25 and still have never had my own car lmaoooo. What's your favorite tomato variety? I generally don't like tomatoes themselves, but rather products made with them, like ketchup. If I'm in the mood though, I do like tomato sandwiches with mayo and bacon; I only ever enjoyed them though if they were fresh right from an old friend's garden. Which well-known person's death shocked you the most, if any? I think Chester Bennington's was the biggest surprise. Rest easy, you legend. What's the craziest color you'd dye your hair? More like what crazy color WOULDN'T I dye it... What was the longest train ride you've been on? I've never been on one. What's the coolest hobby one of your friends has? uhhhhh idk Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. If you could learn any skill, which would you like to learn? Ha, cooking. How do you like your steak? Medium well.

[letting-them-take-liberties]

VolFes 2020 Shop Event Report

That got intense so fast.

Crossposted at Wanderlust.

Because of the current situation and the company probably not wanting to risk it, VolFes 2020 got cancelled and instead was turned into a pop-up shop so that they can sell the goods meant for the event.

Around an estimate of 99.5% of Japan events are mostly all about buying merch, so it felt like a bloodbath of sorts as everyone around me was spending money like it grew on trees (someone I know spent at least USD2,000 for merch alone). I’ve been attending Voltage events for three years now and it always amazes me how far the fangirls will go to spend for their favorite character (I’ll be calling them ‘oshi’ [推し]) from this point forward.

As mentioned in this post, it is always good to go to an event on the very first day to avoid disappointment and loathing when the merch you’re eyeing gets sold out.

I took a leave from work for Day 1 of VolFes 2020 Shop as I knew that it would get crazy; the last few merch buying events I’ve been to left me exhausted, even if all I did was buy. It can get pretty intense at times since the people I hang out with can really get wild with the buying spree.

It was announced in the website that they would allow a free-for-all-entry to anyone wanting to buy goods after 2PM. My friend Y and I took this opportunity to eat lunch and relax since it’ll take time; between her and I, she was more tense and kept checking Twitter for any announcements. As for me, I was a bit more chill, knowing that if they run out of goods, I could still buy online.

If you’ve read my past entry, Y is a huge Saizo fan, so she’s more into this merch buying than I since she has to compete with a lot of fangirls for Saizo goods. I’m happy that with Masamune and Ieyasu, the competition for merch for the both of them isn’t as tense as Saizo’s.

The Chara announced on Twitter that the free-for-all entry would be delayed by an hour, so we took our time to have some dessert, then head off to Ikebukuro Marui. While waiting for the distribution of the designated timeslot tickets, Y and I decided to go to the nearby bank so that I could get some money (thought to pay in cash to keep the expenses lower), and on our way back, Y met an acquaintance who was just on their way out as they were done buying merch.

The acquaintance started asking Y what she would be buying this time around, and Y confessed to not buying anything related to Ouji/Be My Princess series as she had gotten disappointed before with her merch pick. 

(Spoiler alert: her oshi is Ivan Chernenkov, she tried to get can badges of him by buying up to the maximum number of can badges allowed in one transaction (20 for that event), and ended up with no Ivan. That traumatized her that she swore off buying merchandise from that series.)

Acquaintance was with a friend, who then started asking Y if she could buy 20 (!!!) can badges from Ouji-sama no Propose EK (Be My Princess 2) 10th Anniversary art plus a bromide from MiraPuri (Kagami no Naka no Princess Love Palace), with 20 being the limit for can badge purchases.

At that point, Y turned to me, who was simply listening to the conversation, and said, “Kiyo isn’t buying any Ouji trading can badge merch, right?”

I gave her a confused look. “Yeah, I’m sticking to KoiRan and Ouji, with hardly any trading merch on my list.”

The acquaintance’s friend then straight-up asked me, “If you don’t mind, would you buy me 20 more can badges for Ouji EK 10th Anniversary art? I’ll give you some money to cover for the expense.”

I then took out my list (in Google Sheets); the acquaintance’s friend started dictating to me her wishlist. Upon seeing my list written in English, she gave me a look and then said, “Oh… uh, I can’t read English–”

“No worries, I got you covered and I wrote it down. So you want 20 can badges for Ouji EK…”

“Yeah, the ones with the grandsons! 20 of those, and one bromide from MiraPuri!”

Total cost of the merch was JPY9,020, enough for her to get three bonus postcards from MiraPuri.

We then promised to meet up after the buying so that we could hand over the goods, then off we went inside the building to wait for the ticket distribution.

This is the part when my friends and their other friends (at that point, I didn’t know them) got really disappointed and pissed at the free-for-all entry system that had a designated timeslot entry ticket.

If you didn’t know by now, if there’s one thing that sets off a local in this country, it’s the horrible queue/entry ticket system. It’s no exaggeration when someone says that queuing is a national sport/pastime, so if an event is crowded but has a good queue management system, a lot of people would be willing to put up with that.

However, if there are fewer people but the management is horrible, people would really criticize the hell out of it.

Which brings us to Day 1 of VolFes 2020: the website states that the entry ticket they will be handing out will be given at random, which means that even if you arrive late during the distribution of the entry ticket, there is still a chance for you to be able to secure an early timeslot.

Ex. Person A arrives at the venue at 1:30PM and has been waiting for the entry ticket distribution to start, which is an hour away. There’s a chance that they’d be given an entry ticket for the last time slot, which is at 7:40PM ~ 8:00PM.

Person B arrives at the venue at 2:30PM, the designated start of the distirbution of the numbered tickets. There’s a chance that they could get the earliest time slot to buy goods, which is at 3:00PM ~ 3:20PM.

What upset my friends was that when it was time to distribute the tickets, everyone made a run for it as soon as we were asked to queue, and when they gave us the entry ticket, we got a really late timeslot since we were positioned at nearly the end of the line. 

In other words, the entry tickets they gave us was based on how "late" we got to the line; the ones that got ahead of us got an earlier slot, despite the fact that the website mentioned that the time slot on the entry ticket would be shuffled and handed out at random.

Everyone around me was ranting about how half-assed (they all kept throwing the word 中途半端 [chuu’to han’pa]) the whole system was (they could have stuck with a full online timeslot reservation system for Day 1 and Day 2), and how they didn’t go through with the promise of giving out the entry tickets that shuffled the entry time of the attendees in the spirit of equality and fairness, while I figured out the loophole of the system. 

No matter how early you arrive, if you’re not fast enough to queue for the entry tickets as soon as they ask you to, high chance of you being given the last timeslot.

Since we had two hours and twenty minutes to kill, we all headed for dessert at a nearby cheap restaurant and just chatted with one another until it was time to go in.

Unlike last year, VolFes 2020 is smaller, more compact, and you had less time to have fun and enjoy.

Admittedly, the merch line up is better and much more gorgeous, but goodness, there’s just too many of them that it was difficult for me to decide which one I should purchase.

In the end, I decided to skip out on buying the maximum number allowed for buying random merch and stuck it out with getting 3 ~ 4 can badges.

To prevemt the spread of the virus, anyone who enters Ikebukuro Marui and the building had to wear a mask, sanitize their hands, and had 20 minutes to complete their shopping, from picking out the merch to paying at the checkout counter. They only allowed up to 8 people at a time at the shop so you had to plan your purchases. All of us shopping had a list that we referred to while searching for the goods because entry to the venue was controlled and you are not allowed to go back in anymore after paying. 

If you missed out on an item, you’ll have to ask someone whose timeslot to buy the goods is different from yours to buy your merch, you go back the next day, or you order online, which means there’s a three-month waiting period before you receive the item.

Day 1 of the shop was on a Friday so I still had another day to think about any additional purchases, so even if I missed out buying merch, it’s not really a big deal.

[I’m chill that way]

With the buying done, my friends and I headed to another cheap restaurant across the street. Just like last year, the majority of them used that time in the restaurant not to eat, but to open their merch in blind packaging to check and see who they got. If it’s their oshi, they keep it, but for the ones that are not their oshi, they carefully place both the item and the shining packaging inside a ziplock back so that they could trade it with the others.

After we ordered dinner, Y got a message that her acquaintance was at the restaurant we were at, which meant it was time for me to hand over the merch. The girl who asked me to buy for her was so thankful that I think I actually got really shy over it haha.

When I got back to my table, the food was there, so I ate dinner and continued chatting with Y, who also took the time to multitask by eating and opening the merchandise she got. Sad part was, not one of the items she bought for Day 1 contained Saizo, which made me feel sad for her. It’s really rough when you spend so much and end up with no oshi; it’s really the worst feeling in the world.

Y had an early day for Day 2 of VolFes 2020 Shop so we all parted ways early as everyone was exhausted from stressing out whether merch would get sold out on Day 1 and from simply buying goods.

Day 2 wasn’t that eventful, aside from us buying more goods (I bought Ivan’s goods this time around as my priority was Yakov’s), and I ended up trading all my Saizo goods with Y for other characters. Nothing against Saizo, but I know that someone who isn’t me would actually cherish him more than I will ever do.

———-

Not sure if anyone’s interested to see what I bought, but let me know if you’d want me to post photos of my haul.

———-

More event photos:

[fieryrondo]

my report on skate canada 2019 and how i fell in love with figure skating all over again (part 1)

It’s taken me about a month to sit down and write this. Not necessarily due to lack of time (though that is a factor) but because the experience was so much. Even now, with grainy photos and videos taken with a trembling hand as proof of my time there, Skate Canada feels like a bit of a fever dream. The best kind that leaves you breathless, heart-pounding and longing for more.

I’m not a stranger to traveling alone but this would be my first international venture for something solely recreational, something solely just for me. A purely selfish pleasure. The planning itself was a.process that evolved over the course of months. And to be honest, there were times when I thought this trip wouldn’t happen at all. My flight, booked months in advance, got moved up several hours earlier than expected, forcing me to decide between missing part of the gala or to stay an extra night. Personal problems drained my stamina, and several bouts of poor health stoked the fear that this day would never come. It only became real when I set off for Boston, carry-on, and swan plush in tow, for the first leg of my journey.

Kelowna, a charming lake-resort town in the middle of nowhere British Columbia. There are no direct flights from the East Coast there and I ended up having an overnight stopover in Toronto. From what I saw from the vantage point of the aircraft, Toronto was a beautiful city and reminded me a little of Los Angeles. However, I had little time to appreciate the city. I checked into a hotel to shower, warm up some leftovers, and resurrect my dying phone.

(above) My companions for the journey. 

The swan was for Yuzuru, I know it is traditional to give him a Pooh bear but I picked the swan because it was the first program of his that I saw and to this day, it is still my favorite. It has a lot of meaning for me. The Sakura Pooh was my lucky charm, the Pooh ears a last-minute purchase. 

Due to my schedule, I had to miss the first day, which itself was a bit of a risk. Isn’t it crazy? Traveling thousands of kilometers just to watch half a competition? I certainly thought so. Not to mention how Yuzuru performed during the short would have a direct impact on how he would approach the free skate. Skate Canada has never been his strongest competition. Even if he was the overwhelming favorite, like most fanyus, I’ve learned to take nothing for granted. When I heard that he skated well in the short, I breathed a little more easily before settling down to draft my letter.

“Perhaps it’s a bit forward of me, a complete stranger, to wish you this, but congratulations on your chest muscles” was the opening line of my letter, as suggested by my good friend Tanya over @turistinmyowncity​. I was too embarrassed to actually take photographic evidence but rest assured I did include it. I like to think that it may have made Yuzuru smile. A gold foil origami crane was added for additional luck. Like many fans, I was keeping my fingers crossed for Yuzuru’s first Skate Canada title.

And then it was off to the airport again, this time for the second leg of the flight. Unlike the first flight, not so many passengers were flying to Kelowna and we all got to pick our own seats.

It did not occur to me that catching Yuzuru’s practice was even within the realm of possibility until I had realized that we had arrived in Kelowna 30 minutes earlier than scheduled. A fanyu i had been corresponding with had texted: “Yuzuru’s skating second to last in practice. If you hurry, you might make it.”

*insert dramatic cinematic action sequence where I race to the nearest cab driver, shakily request to be taken to Prospera Palace expediently without breaking any traffic safety laws and then quietly die to the barely heard strains of Origin while the main entrance security guard painstakingly searches my luggage.*

One of the most vivid memories I have of Skate Canada is dragging my ridiculously bulky carryon (gimpy wheel and all) up the flight of stairs in Section 114, trying to flatten myself and become one with the stairwell wall and not get in anyone’s way. A volunteer took pity on me and let me stand on the top of the steps for a closer look. The first thing I saw, of course, was Pooh-san, that bright splash of red and yellow works perfectly as a homing beacon.

I missed Origin but was able to catch the last few minutes of practice. As for first impressions go, I’m afraid I don’t have anything particularly new to offer. Yuzuru looks as exactly as he does in photos. Sharp, precise, graceful. And fast! He kept practicing what looked like his entrance into quad loop. 

With men’s practice over, I met up with fellow fanyu VentusCantabile, an extremely sweet person with an excellent singing voice :). I dropped off my luggage at our Airbnb (conveniently located two blocks away) before rushing back over to the arena for the free dance. The venue itself is not that big so even in seats from the nosebleed section you can get a pretty good view. I was in section 112, the closest I could get to the judges' side view and also got a decent(ish) view of the kiss and cry.

I must confess that I don’t really follow ice dance and am unable to provide anything insightful. To me, everyone looked absolutely stunning. I cheered extra loud for Sara Hurtado/Kirill Khaliavin, the first Spanish ice dancers to win a Grand Prix medal. It’s no secret that I miss Javi terribly since his retirement so it was so nice to see Spanish figure skating continue to make strides. Sara’s story is also particularly inspiring. Like Javi, she has worked extremely hard to put Spanish figure skating on the map.

Other teams that impressed were: Gilles/Pourier, Hubbell/Donohue and Fear/Gibson. Fear/Gibson had an especially fun program and the Russian family next to me were so cute in that they were cheering for all of the European teams.

And then it was time for the ladies.

Media will talk about Trusova’s mindbogglingly difficult quads, Rika’s sublime triple axel, Medvedeva’s fight of a free, but the free skate of the night for me personally was Marin’s La La Land. So tenderly skated! Marin is so lovely and a true pleasure to watch live. To watch her bravely skate through (bandage and all) the best free she’s had in ages, how meaningful it must have been. And thus the first sea of Japanese flags washed through the stands. 

Here is Evgenia! Her dress is actually extremely beautiful. A very charismatic skater, there were a lot of fans who had come from overseas to cheer for her. 

Cute podium :)

Then a break for lunch. The funniest thing I found about being in Kelowna is how it is no exaggeration that figure skating fans just take over the town. The restaurant we went to was packed full of figure skating fans. Talking with fanyus was surprisingly easy. A bit awkward at first but it wasn’t long before we were easily chatting about scoring GOE guidelines and work and other fandom interests.

Then back to the rink for pairs. Given that there was a dearth of filled seats in the lower rows, I half-guiltily took the opportunity to sit a bit closer.

Watching pairs. Is. Terrifying. Lifts are hella more impressive. Twists are gravity defying. Throws are put your hands together and pray the guy does his part to help his partner land those jumps.

Vladimir Morozov lifting Evgenia Tarasova. I appreciated them a lot more live. Their elements are huge and so so clean.

Boikova/Kozlovskii are also now officially my favorite Russian pairs team. I had originally planned on filming their free since seeing quality pairs skating is such a rare opportunity in the US (cough, cough, please invest in pairs more, usfsa). I could not take my eyes off of them for one second. They were so confident and radiating electric charisma from start to finish. A young team with a very bright future!

Between the break, I also spotted Elladj Blade and Kevin Reynolds, the latter was kindly signing autographs. I was too shy to approach either of them but let me tell you Kevin is very sweet with little kids.

And then on to the men! The arena was starting to fill again so I ended up moving up a few rows. I was nervous (for a variety of reasons) but this was ultimately the event I came to see. Watching men is a bit like Russian roulette, you can either expect magnificence or implosion (or sometimes both). Not too many falls but pops are quite painful to see, especially when you know they are so costly. Still, there was a lot to like. Watching Matteo made my heart ache because his style reminds me so much of Javi’s (and doing a flamenco program does not make that association any easier). Roman is also really gorgeous to watch live, but he was so nervous during the free he was unable to show us what he’s really capable of.

At some point, you can sense the audience’s point of focus shift, probably during Camden’s skate (also really liked Camden!). I was sitting pretty close to the side of the skater’s entrance and noticed that all of the fans right by the stairwell had their phones/cameras out. Stairwell shooting is always a reliable indicator of Yuzuru’s arrival ^^

That roar of approval when Yuzuru takes off his jacket is something else. Origin 2.0 is a beautiful costume and way, way more sparkly in real life. Photos don’t quite do the sparkles justice.

Those six minutes of warm-up were honestly some of the most stressful I’ve experienced. Yuzuru kept drilling the quad loop, the jump that he had been having trouble with during practice. After he had gotten a beautiful one under his belt (good, please do that again in the free), he seemed to calm down.

I found it very difficult to concentrate on the other skaters in the second group. By then the stadium was packed and every seat was filled. I had doubts about whether or not I would even get the chance to throw my gift onto the ice because I was so high up and nowhere near the aisle. Worst case scenario, I would just keep my swan.

Keiji!!! He was so fun to watch here. I really love both of his programs this season and he was totally on from the very first jump! Not gonna lie, I saw my life flash before my eyes when he almost ran straight into the boards on his second sal, and then the dainty single toe on the end made me laugh. :)

So it never occurred to me, a formerly strictly broadcast viewer, the amount of time that skaters have right before they skate. There is SO much time. While they were doing the slow-mo replay and the judges were punching buttons, Yuzuru was already whizzing on the ice. He landed a very beautiful quad toe. Feather light. Airy. Calm and commanding, he looked good to go.

At this point, I put down my phone. Although part of me cried at the thought of not having a personal recording of Yuzuru’s free, it felt important to focus entirely on him with my own two eyes.

There are no words that can quite describe what I felt when watching Origin. When I look back on this skate, I can only remember how hard I ground my teeth. How I could feel the opening drum beats like the beats of a human heart. How my knuckles whitened as they grasped the edge of my hard seat. Yuzuru went for the loop and spun out, clinging on to the ice by the edge of his blade. Not the prettiest landing but he made it.

The sal next, smooth as silk. Step sequence, violin choreo(!!), that scream for the prettiest triple lutz I’ve seen. Quad toe. How many quads left. My fingernails were digging into my plastic wrapped swan. THAT FUCKING QUAD TOE-EULER-TRIPLE FLIP. Ahhhhhhhh, roll of thunder, hear our cry.

The CLAPPING. 6000 voices in perfect synchrony. Every completed jumping pass felt like a victory charge. That bionic knee bend determination to eke out that double toe. All jumping passes cleared. At some point I must have started breathing again. A song in my heart, indiscriminate joy squeezing the heck out of my vocal cords. Lay down that ina bauer! A tiny slip on the hydroblade but he’s done it. He’s ground the silver curse to dust. When you’re screaming at the top of your lungs but you can’t hear a thing because everyone else around you is screaming louder than you. Final clapping sequence. Dramatique pose, punch the air. Sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

322.59!!! Feels. So. Damn. Right.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 13 - No re-selection for Olympic marathon representatives.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, getting started with another episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. So, hows it going?

J: Hows it going indeed.

K: Ah, my glasses started to fog up too.

J: Oh, did they? My glasses were fogging up at the end of the last episode. I thought I'd take them off this time. I'll do it without them.

K: Yeah.

J: Its got to the point where there's no news that isn't corona...

K: Well, it can't be helped. There really isn't is there?

K: What about at Tokyo Sports? Are you running non-corona related stories?

T: As expected, its almost all corona related.

J: All corona?

T: Yeah. It doesn't get much interest if its something else. Sometimes we'll do stuff like an exclusive inside story reveal on old pro wrestlers today, like Jumbo Tsurata or something. The listeners might or might not know Jumbo Tsurata...

K: Ah, I loved All Japan Pro-Wrestling.

J: Ah, so you must like Tsurata san?

K: I used to watch the fights between Tsurata san and Misawa san etc all the time.

T: Ohh, yeah.

J: Tsurata san had a lot of fighting spirit, like, 'Ouughh!', but he seemed like he wasn't quite angry.

K: Right. He was big, but he was also kinda cute.

J: Thats right. He didn't seem that wild.

K: He seemed almost gentle/soft.

J: He actually graduated from Chuo University, he's quite the elite. He hid that part of himself, and in that world of tough guy pro wrestlers, he showed himself as quite gentle.

T: He was really popular, wasn't he?

J: He was. *To K* Ah, so you were a fan of All Japan?

K: Well, both. I watched New Japan Pro-wrestling too. But when that big group of All Japan wrestlers came out, and Misawa and others came out, it got kinda dangerous. Falling on thier heads, it got popular from then *1. .Ok, the theme this time please.

J: Yes, Lets start the topic. Well, its related to corona, but I thought it was interesting. This has to do with the Olympics which have been postponed to 2021..

'No re-selection for 2021 Olympic Marathon runners. Due to the effect of coronavirus, meetings to select Olympic representatives for some events have been postponed or cancelled, but for others the representatives for 2021 have already been unofficially confirmed. A case in point is the treasure of the Olympics, the marathon. Responding to interview on the 25th of March, project leader of the plan to strengthen the marathon, Seko Toshihiko of the Japan Association of Athletic Federations said about the decision, "These are six people we've chosen with confidence. I'd like to protect the rights of the candidates." The official decision will be made by the Japan Association of Athletics Federations Council in June, but there are no plans to hold re-elections for the mens' nor the womens' event.'  Well, as this is sports related, can you explain this more simply, Tasai san?

T: Well, its because its been postponed that there's a problem. Should they choose new candidates for next year or not? Well, for the competition, they made this decision for the marathon. There are pros and cons to this, but they really want to respect the athletes who would have had a good chance at winning in 2020.

J: Is this normal in the rest of the world? I don't know anything about sports.

T: Well, postponing the Olympics is kinda unknow in the world, so..

J: There is no precedent?

T: Yeah. If you look from the athletes perspective, there are those who are at thier peak now, but there are also those who might be ready to take a gold medal by 2021...so which do you choose?

K: They have to decide on the whole. Because even people who weren't chosen for 2020 might be able to compete from now on. So they need to decide either just go with the people who were chosen for 2020, or to rechoose for next year.

J: Yeah, if there is both..well, the marathon might become the only unique case, so choosing the candidates once..

K: Hey, but the athletes...Oh, Im sorry! (for interrupting)....there might be some athletes who end up saying they want to quit.

J: There will be. After the postponement, there will be some athletes who decide to withdraw, right?

K: Yeah.

J: Kaoru, you are not an athlete, but if you are producing a live show, working out the costs, starting rehearsals and feeling the tension rise...if that was postponed, wouldn't you naturally feel a little..?*2

K: Well, if we can't be active for the time being, then we think about what we can do after that right? But I do sometimes get the feeling that it might not go as planned at all. *3

J: I see, yeah. What to do about this? I mean, Im always saying this, but wouldn't it be better to just cancel the Tokyo Olympics?

T: Its difficult, isn't it.

J: Because, even doing it next year might be a bit risky. It might be too quick for people to be ready for it..and with so many people having taken a lot of economic damage, only a small number of people would end up coming, right? Like, would it work?...And then if they could do it this year, if we didn't have this issue...Well, im opposed to that too, im always coming from an opposition stance...Well, I do hope that whatever is decided suceeds. But yeah, next year might be risky, it seems like theres a lot of pressure to do it. And also, Abe's term as PM  will end in September next year, so its a great time for him to be seen as the one who made the Olympics a success if they finish in August. A two year postponement has been totally ruled out, so if you think about all this, its not really putting the athletes first, so wouldn't it be better to just call it off?

T: Its difficult to know whether to do that, since it has cost this much money so far.

K: If the chosen athletes can't compete now, they eventually might not be able to, right? Cause there are those countries who can carry on with training, and those who cannot. We'll be able to see a difference.

J: Well I think the European athletes are facing a really tough situation, and theres also the risk of having large scale movements of people. If that happens, well, if Japan says the Olympics must go ahead next year, whilst internationally corona is becoming a long term thing, I think we might see some contradictions.

K: But of course, if they were able to do it, that would be the best, if we have a world in which they are able to...that would be the best.

J: Yes, yes. If it can go ahead, the athletes will be under no fault, and it will just be a good memory.

K: I wonder if they will do it with no spectators?

J: Right, no spectators?

T: Its interesting, but I wonder how they would pull it off..

J: But I feel...well, im not an athlete, so emitting the athletes feeling for a moment...its broadcast worldwide isn't it? So the amount of people watching at the venues is probably only  about 1% of the total viewers. So..they could just have no spectators at the venues and just do it all by boadcast?

T: But if there are no spectators there, won't there be fewer new world records? There won't be the tension there.

K: Ahh, yeah.

J: If there are no spectators?

K: Well, it depends on the person. There might be people who are calmer if there are no spectators, or there might be people who can't psyche themselves up without a crowd.

J: Ahh...Kami is quiet today isn't he? Aren't you here today?

Kami: (in a quiet voice) No, im here, im here.

J: Ah, you're here.

Kami: Yeah.

J: Your voice sounds like a buzzing mosquito.

Kami: I've just been thi...thinking a lot.

J: Oh right. Kami, are you well?

Kami: Indeed

K: Indeed (*laughs*)

Kami: Yeah, Im well.

J: Um, I have a question for you...Do you have anything to do with coronavirus, Kami? Its a strange question, but..

Kami: Nothing at all to do with it.

J: Oh really?

T: Ahh, so cool.

J: Yeah, cool.

Kami: Cause gods can't die.

J: Oh, gods right? Yeah yeah.

K: But you still get hungry and stuff, right? And you have to earn money, right?

J: Yeah yeah.

Kami: Thats right.

J: Do you produce bodily excrement?

Kami: What?

J: Do you have bodily excrement?

T: Do you use the toilet?

Kami: Yes, I do.

K: *laughs*

J: What a small voice! You're not feeling well today, right?

Kami: What?

J: You're not feeling well?

Kami: No, no, Im fine.

J: Oh, you're ok?

Kami: Im feeeling good!

J: Are you?

Kami: Yeah, I've just been listening to the conversation.

J: Ahh, oh right. What did you think?

Kami: I've been thinking, "oh, I see" and stuff.

J: What was your impression?

Kami: What?

J: What was your impression about the Olympics? This marathon issue.

Kami: The Olympics? Well, even if you say that the people who were chosen for this year have thier rights, times are changing, so I think its ok to start a new competition again. The athletes themselves will have a new sense of ambition, and i think its a bit odd to talk about having rights within a competition. Its better to re-start the game.

T: Right, I see 

J: Well, yeah...Because rather than who has the right, its originally a contest of who is the fastest, who is the highest..

Kami: Thats it.

J: Its all about gathering the best people within that time.

K: Well yeah. These marathon people will end up looking like they're not word number ones.

T: For sure.

K: Like, 'Are they really the best now?'...

J: Its hard

K: Yeah, it is.

Kami: A long time ago, Asada Mao was too small to compete, but she was really strong.

J: Yeah, yeah.

Kami: If they see stuff like that, they'll wonder why they can't compete and they might loose thier dream.

J: Inculding Kami, it seems like we 4 guys don't exercise at all.

K:*laughs*

J: We are lacking persuasion power somehow

K: We are just offering our wisdom from the outside.

J: Right. Its a bit..

Kami: If anything, its e-sports are the way.

K: Oh, e-sports?

Kami: It would be good if there were e-sports on Dragon Quest.

T: e-sports on Dragon Quest? The Dragon quest casino...(gets cut off by kami)

Kami : Like, who ..no no, who has the highest bill or something.

T: Ahh..I see.

J: Money again?! Honestly, Kami..

Kami: Mr Son at Softbank would be winning right?

J: Ahh, I see. I've never been sure if Kami is a god or a devil.

Kami: No, no, Im a god.

J: You insist you're a god.

K: Ok..

Kami: Yes..Well, there are many types though. Gods of poverty and such.

J: Huh?

Kami: They are gods of poverty, gods of plauge..

J: Oh, I see. As for gods like that, id rather they didn't appear on this show.

Kami:.....

K: He's lost for words! *laughs*

T: He seems sad!

J: He's a bit sad now *laughs* Kami, you weren't very energetic today, are you ok?

Kami: No, im loosing my energy because you keep saying that.

*everyone laughs*

K: Topics about the Olympics are lacking a little something right?

J: It might be that, yeah.

K: Well, lets hope for a more energetic Kami next time.

J, T: Yeah.

K: Well, lets finish here, thank you. Please subscribe

*1 I literally know nothing about Japanese pro wrestling.

*2 Couldn't catch this.

*3 Slightly unsure I got that right.

[go-events]

GO Rom Com Spotlight: @minervamoon66​

The amiable @minervamoon66​ (also minervamoon on AO3) has claimed Victor Victoria to adapt for Good Omens in the Good Omens Rom Com Event.

For reference, here’s a little background about the source material!

About Victor Victoria: Victoria Grant (Julie Andrews), a down-and-out British soprano, struggles to find work in the nightclubs of 1930s Paris. While trying to scam a free meal, Grant meets cabaret performer Toddy (Robert Preston), who comes up with an idea that will change everything. Acting as her manager, Toddy bills Grant as a male female impersonator. When the nightclubs eat it up, the duo makes it big -- even a Chicago mobster (James Garner) is enamored with Grant. But keeping the truth a secret is no easy task.

We spent some time chatting about how the adaptation is coming so far, as well as future plans for it! Now, get to know @minervamoon66​ a little better!

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goromcom: So, about you: If you open a Tumblr chat with someone you haven't chatted to before, Tumblr tells you two things they post about. Tumblr reports that you post "about #good omens fic and #31 days of ineffables". That sounds incredibly on brand and valid of you. :) How did you enjoy 31 Days of Ineffables?

minervamoon66: As for the tags, I was very slow to get on Tumblr.  I had an account for years but never used it until I became obsessed with GO.  Not enough people local to me to rave about it with so I had to seek them out online.  Nearly everything I post and heart is GO related because of it.  And I loved 31 Days of Ineffables.  I still haven't finished reading everything simply because I also need to catch up on so much good content all around.

goromcom: You chose to adapt Victor Victoria as your rom com. Has this movie been a favorite of yours, or is there some other reason you chose it?

minervamoon66: Victor Victoria has always been one of my favorites.  I'm a sucker for musicals.  Though Victor Victoria is more of a movie with a few musical numbers than a true musical, it still has a similar vibe.  Maybe it's the comedic timing, or the points where it doesn't seem to take itself completely seriously.  Not sure.

goromcom: How wonderful that they captured that feel in the movie without it just seeming like a filmed version of the stage play. That was probably quite a difficult line to walk.

What's your favorite moment of Victor Victoria, and are you looking forward to presenting it in your adaptation? Any loose plans for that scene that you can share?

minervamoon66: Well, one of my favorite parts is actually a bit of dialogue between two side characters. It’s Norma and Toddy's little chat about their preference for men over women, but now I get to have Crowley adding in his two cents with something like, "Both is an option."

goromcom: Oh, just have to love Crowley, don’t you? That’s a good moment for him. 

Do you plan to stick very closely to the story beats of the original movie, or make bigger changes?

minervamoon66: I'd like to say I stayed close to the original beats, but then I remembered I skipped the first thirty minutes of the movie.  A lot of it was visual humor that I didn't think would translate well. I backfilled with Aziraphale explaining to Crowley how she (Aziraphale is in female form for this one) ended up as a singer in a Paris nightclub.  I'm also using the 1995 stage production as source material for at least one scene that wasn't done exactly the same way in the movie. 

goromcom: Ah, other than borrowing from the stage play version, what's another interesting decision you've made in your planning so far--a notable casting decision, a changing of venue, or some other plan you have to paint Good Omens all over your rom com?

minervamoon66: Basically this is Victor Victoria in the Good Omens universe.  Aziraphale and Crowley are still an angel and demon.  Aziraphale kinda falls into being a jazz singer after an assignment in Paris, and Crowley has been spending the last decade or so as the bodyguard to an up-and-coming would-be gangster. 

goromcom: Staying with canon sounds like it will be really interesting in this case! 

Now that we’re wrapping up, I have a question for you that I am blatantly stealing from The Good Place: The Podcast. Tell me something "good". It can be something big or small. It can be a charity you think is doing good work, or you can talk about how great your pet is.

minervamoon66: I've always tried to support The Trevor Project when I could. Suicide prevention is important in its own right, but LGBTQ+ teens are at such a higher risk due to smallmindedness. I'd just like anyone, ANYONE who reads this to know you are not alone.  I'm a safe place, and there are more like me out there.  We will listen, and we will care.

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Keep an eye out for the GO adaptation of Victor Victoria!