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Love is Healing Trigger warning : Mentions of rape

TITLE: Love Is Healing CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 9 AUTHOR: [email protected] ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki trying to convince you of his love for you for months after your constant disbelief. One day at the Avengers Tower he pushes you up against a wall, holding tightly as he kisses you, only to have you wildly fight back as you scream and cry begging him to let you go. As Steve helps your trembling form up from your spot now on the floor, your best friend Natasha explains to Loki that there was once a man who claimed to love you when you were a minor and said he would wait for you as long as it takes, only for him to turn around and molest you and eventually rape you, admitting that he never loved you all along. Ever since then you’ve never believed in love, but Loki promises you that he will spend every moment with you trying to convince you that his love for you is true. RATING: PG-15 NOTES/WARNINGS: Talk of past rape and manipulation of a minor.

Chapter Nine

Tony and Arianna made up over the next week. Yes, she was still upset that he had looked something up about her, something he had no right to, but he hadn’t mentioned it since and he hadn’t used it against her. She hadn’t thought he would, really, but that part of her life wasn’t something she liked people knowing about.

Tony had insisted that no one would ever be able to use those files against her again. The files had been deleted from SHIELD’s database and from their original source of origin. She had no idea how it had happened, but she was thankful nonetheless.

They continued her physical training and her ability testing, Loki now helping her with both. They had to build up her strength before she could continue sparring, but she was doing well with the magic part.

Tony tested her responses when she used her ability. Her heart rate elevated each time, but other than that there was no reaction in her body.

She wasn’t being tested at all at the moment, however, and was enjoying a hot chocolate while watching a movie with Loki, who was also drinking a warm beverage.

“This is very satisfying,” Loki said, taking a sip from his cup.

“Mm-hm. This is the good stuff, made with milk. They have the kind you make with water, but it’s gross. It’s supposed to have marshmallows, but Tony doesn’t have any.”

“Marshmallows?”

“Mm. Little soft-as-clouds sweets. Pure sugar, really.”

Things were silent between them for a few minutes until Loki spoke again.

“You and Stark seem to be on agreeable terms again.”

“We are. I still don’t like what he did since he didn’t have express permission, but I have forgiven him.”

“But … SHIELD is no longer able to … use you. You no longer have to stay here, nor do you have to be responsible for me.”

Arianna’s cup stopped halfway to her mouth, and her attention snapped to Loki’s face. He was trying to remain closed off, but she could see he didn’t want her to up and leave.

“Loki … SHIELD never used me in a way I didn’t want to be used. I healed people. I would’ve done that with or without SHIELD. It just so happened that I had government backing with SHIELD. And I chose to stay here, and I didn’t take care of you because you were a responsibility. You know that. Or … part of you does.”

Arianna reached over and squeezed his hand briefly before letting go and returning her attention to the movie.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loki was not paying attention to the movie. It was about a boy with a yellow car that used radio stations to talk. The car could turn into a large robot.

The movie wasn’t boring, but Loki had other things on his mind. Ever since the first attack on the tower and on Arianna Loki had been waiting for another attack. Granted, Arianna had been under strict supervision since then, but the fact that nothing else had happened didn’t sit well with Loki. Maybe SHEILD’s leaders hadn’t expected them to fight for the girl, let alone kill for her, and were regrouping.

“Loki?”

He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been, that he’d let himself become, until then. There was pain in his palms from clenching his hands into fists. He hadn’t broken the skin, but his fingernails had been digging in sharply.

“You’re not enjoying the movie,” she said, almost teasing. He could hear the concern, though.

“My head is full of other things.”

“Yes?”

“SHIELD has known about your ability all along. You said Fury didn’t, but his superiors must have. That’s what they had on you; they knew you could do other things than heal. They didn’t come after you, though, until Fury knew and until Stark started researching.”

“Okay …”

“So … what changed?” Loki asked. “They were obviously keeping watch or they would not have known about the blood sample or exactly where to find it.”

“Right. Tony’s new security system should block things like that.”

Loki nodded. “I’m sure it will – I hope it will. But the point I’m trying to get across is that I do not think the timing of the attack was random. I think SHIELD does not want you progressing your power. They are likely afraid of what you can do. Not to mention you did side with a terrorist.”

“Loki …”

“I helped terrorize Manhattan. I brought destruction to this city. You can still see the results of that if you step outside. Your power combined with mine, if I were to get it back … Who knows what could be done with that – that’s probably what they’re thinking.”

“Loki … I’m not dangerous – I mean, I don’t use my power that way.”

“No,” he agreed, “but you could, and that is what frightens them.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loki and Arianna went to bed around midnight, the hallway dark and without windows. They could’ve asked Jarvis to turn the lights on, but what was the point? They could’ve found their way in complete pitch darkness.

“Have you been sleeping better?” she asked.

Loki shrugged as if it didn’t matter, which was answer enough.

“Are they happening every night? The nightmares, I mean.”

“No. Mostly, but no.”

“Well, that’s good.” Arianna gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “Um … believe it or not, but dreams help you. Psychologically, the dreaming means your brain is trying to process everything. It means you’re healing.”

“Hm. Funny way of healing. I think I prefer your way.”

“Right.”

They had reached Loki’s doorway and both stopped as he pushed the door open.

“Well, um, good night then,” she said softly and turned around to go to her own room.

“Arianna, wait,” Loki called after her. “Uh … please?”

That word seemed like an afterthought, but she obeyed nonetheless and turned back around to find him close enough to almost run into. Heat filled her cheeks at her almost blunder.

“Sorry.”

“My mistake. I did not realize I was standing so close.”

“It’s okay. What did you need?”

“You and Stark … You care about him. I mean, it has been said that the angrier you can get at someone the more you care about him or her.”

Not knowing what Loki was trying to get at, Arianna remained silent.

“I realize he is older than you, but –“

“No!” she said, finally getting it. “I know what you’re thinking, and no. I’ve known Tony for about as long as I’ve known you, which isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, and he’s more like a brother anyway.”

“Oh.”

A small smile graced Loki’s mouth and Arianna could almost feel the relief roll off of him.

“Good. Then I don’t have to pretend to feel guilty.”

“Pretend to �� what? Why would you have to pretend to feel guilty?”

She didn’t have to ask. She knew from the way he was moving his face towards her own and from the way he’d threaded his fingers of one hand through her hair what he was going to do.

“Loki.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

Part of her wanted to shove him away. She wasn’t capable of giving him what he wanted. She knew she wasn’t. It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried with other men before; she just couldn’t get her body to respond like it should.

The other part of her wanted to be able to respond to Loki’s advances. She liked the way his fingers felt as they caressed her scalp, but she turned her head slightly when his lips nearly met hers. He brushed the skin of her cheek instead.

“Loki, I’m … I can’t do that. You don’t really want this with me.”

Surprise at her words flickered in his green eyes.

“Why would I not?” And then … “Am I not doing this properly? On Asgard it is all arranged marriages with no real courtship rituals. How does this go on … Earth?”

“Um … marriage?”

That was not what he was suggesting, right? She would have to put a stop to that at once.

“I never plan on being married. Uh, it kind of fills me with child-like terror at the thought of ever being married. In fact, relationships in general terrify me. They’re not my area of expertise.”

“We are friends. That is a type of relationship, is it not?”

Loki refused to step away from her, but he did let go of her hair. Arianna tried not to let it show when she decided she really wanted him to continue massaging her scalp.

“You are a very compassionate person. Why would you not do well in a relationship?”

Arianna didn’t know what to say to that. Her idea of a good relationship – romantic or otherwise – included complete trust, support, and commitment on both sides. She’d never seen a relationship work that way aside from the ones in movies. Maybe her standards were too high or something.

Not to mention the only man she’d ever had feelings for had completely messed her up in the head. He had said he’d loved her, and had hurt her in a way no one should ever be hurt. If that was what people thought love was, she wanted no part in it.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Loki, but whatever it is, I can’t. Apparently, I don’t know how. That’s what the others have said.”

Loki stiffened but his face remained open. “The others are not me.”

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth, not liking the situation or the conversation at all. This was too personal for her. She didn’t know if she wanted to let Loki any closer than she already had.

“Most Midgardians date first,” she said. “Before they kiss.”

“Date?”

Arianna let a smile push through. Loki wouldn’t know how to do the relationship thing either.

“Yes, date. A night out or whatever, depending on what each person likes. Me, I prefer movies or dinner, or even just drinks and talking.”

“Hm.”

Loki took one step back, appearing to be thinking. Maybe dating would take too much effort and he would want to just be friends.

“Tomorrow, then, we can have dinner and we can talk,” Loki said, grin on his face. “If you are amenable.”

Amenable? No, she was not amenable, but she didn’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings either.

“A’right, but just a date. And I want Chinese food. Get with Tony. He’ll tell you how to order food over the phone.”

That was another test, of course. Was Loki serious enough to go through Iron Man to get a date with her? Tony was very protective. Though, she maybe should’ve asked Loki to ask Clint or Steve, or maybe even Bruce.

Or Tash. Tash might’ve been the better person. But what was done was done, and she could only wait to see what could happen.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loki waited until he was sure Arianna was down for the night before he left his own room to find Stark. He knew the genius would be in his lab doing something. Most nights Stark fell asleep there, if he slept at all.

On the elevator ride down, Loki thought about Arianna’s weird yet fascinating reactions to his advances. At first she had appeared awkward, and then she had appeared nervous. Worst of all, she had seemed afraid and ashamed, maybe even insecure.

Others had made her feel as if she were unable to love others. Loki thought that was a load of rubbish because she wouldn’t exert all of her energy in helping people if she didn’t care, if she didn’t love. In Asgard, it was the people who loved the most that went into the field of healing. And no, she didn’t love everyone romantically, but she committed herself to her friends nonetheless, and even Loki knew commitment was important in any relationship.

When Loki arrived in the workshop/lab he found Tony working on his latest Iron Man suit. He didn’t know what was being done to it, but the chest area had been pulled open.

“Stark,” Loki said, gaining the man’s attention. “How do you order food over the telephone?”

“You havin’ late night cravings?”

“No.” Boldly, he stepped toward Tony and said, “Arianna and I are having dinner tomorrow night, and she wants Chinese food. She said to ask you.”

“Dinner? Together? As a date? What made you think that was a good idea?”

Loki had to admit he was offended even if there was amusement in the other man’s voice.

“I have made my intentions quite clear, and she has decided to give me a chance.”

Tony stopped what he was doing and crossed his arms over his chest.

“And what exactly are your intentions?”

“Well, I believe she called it dating. Is that not the proper term?”

“I wouldn’t know, I don’t date,” Tony quipped. “And I meant on the more physical side of things.”

Loki looked away, not believing the audacity of the man in front of him.

“I do not believe that is any of your business,” Loki eventually said, looking back up and into Tony’s eyes.

“I’m making it my business. It’s a thing I do when something happens that I don’t like. And I don’t like you trying to cozy up to our littlest Avenger.”

Loki irrationally wanted to tell Tony that littlest was not a real word. Correcting the genius would not help his cause at all, however, so he kept his mouth shut on the subject.

“I would not be here if Arianna had not made it clear I should ask you about this. I remember your … promise to hand me over to SHIELD if I dare hurt her. I can assure you it is not and never has been my way to force myself on a woman.”

Loki paused when he noticed Tony’s body tense to the point he looked as if he would break with one hit.

“That is what you were implying earlier, was it not?”

Tony had the decency to appear sheepish even though his tone was harsh when he next spoke.

“What do you want with her then?”

“Has it not occurred to you that I might just fancy her? She has been nothing but kind to me even when I didn’t deserve it. Why would I not fancy her? Why would I not want to date her?”

Tony surprised Loki by grinning and then by laughing.

“What?” Loki demanded. “What did I miss?”

“You actually care about her as a person,” he said. “I knew you appreciated her as the one who made sure you were kept safe, but … you like her.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Yes, that is what I just said. Are you going to help me or not?”

Tony shrugged, turning back to his work.

“Come find me in the morning. You’ll need a little touch up before your date.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning came and went without Tony helping Loki at all. He had bigger problems to deal with. The problems being SHIELD agents following everyone around. Natasha had come to him around six that morning to let him know that she’d seen at least three undercover people watching every visible exit of the tower. She’d noticed two men and one woman.

“They were good, Tony,” she said. “I might not have noticed them if I hadn’t had as much training as I have.”

“Do they know you know about them?”

“I don’t think so. I went on with what I was doing. I mentioned them to Clint. He’s noticed them too. They’re clearly staking out the place.”

Tony added installing extra security cameras outside to his ‘things-I-need-to-do’ list. Maybe add in some facial recognition programming as well.

“I’ve only noticed them since your meeting with Director Fury. Maybe they are from him. I don’t want to ask him, though, because if they aren’t –“

“It would let other people at SHIELD know we know.”

“Yes. Anyway, these people that I saw, they followed me today. Again, I wouldn’t have noticed had I not been trained. They would’ve appeared completely normal to anyone else. I don’t know if Aries would’ve made the connection; she’s never been that into the training part of being an agent.”

“You’re sure these people are from SHIELD?”

“If not, they were trained the same way. They use the same methods.”

“Hm. Well, if it’s only three people I’m not worried. If they try to get in, my security system will let me know.”

“And Jarvis?”

Tony smirked. “He’s part of my security system.”

“Obviously.” Natasha shook her head. “I think I should leave. Just to see if they follow. If they come back even if I’m gone, then you’ll know this has nothing to do with me.”

Tony understood the logic behind her thinking, but Tony also had a feeling that they knew exactly who was being watched.

“You might want to rethink leaving right away. Your friend has a date tonight.”

“What? She doesn’t date.”

“Apparently she does now. Reindeer Games convinced her to give him a chance.”

“What?” she almost yelled. Tony was going to consider it a yell.

“He asked for help getting ready. I should actually go find him.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Arianna was in the gym, sort of working out but mostly watching Steve hit a punching bag.

She’d done several sets of crunches and pushups already. Normally she despised exorcise of any sort when Natasha wasn’t with her to encourage her, but she had an excess of nervous energy at the moment, and it had to go somewhere.

Steve was silent as he continued beating up the very non-threatening punching bag. To be honest, he was not much of a talker anyway. Unless he had something important to contribute he didn’t speak. He wasn’t anti-social in the least, but he was once an awkward young man and while he was still young in appearance he had yet to catch up with the times. He couldn’t help it, and Arianna didn’t mind the quiet, so it was okay. But she needed to talk to someone and he was there. Plus, he was probably the type that wouldn’t make fun of her for what she wanted to say.

“Steve? What do you think of Loki?”

Steve grabbed the punching bag, bringing it to a standstill, and glanced at her. She was seated at the edge of the mat he was standing on.

“Why?” he asked, seating himself beside her.

She shrugged and refused to meet his eyes.

“Just asking.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know, Arianna. He’s not trying to take over the world anymore, which is good. But he’s also human and powerless. We don’t know what he’d do if he got his magic back.”

That was not the answer she wanted and she didn’t want to admit that it was true. Loki didn’t have access to the power he’d once had and they didn’t know what he would do if he ever got his abilities back.

“I think he cares about you, though. He cares whether you live or die.” Steve gave her a small smile. “I don’t know how he feels about the rest of us, but he’s proven he’ll protect you.”

She looked up then. Her heart skipped a beat when she noticed that Steve was looking at her with such pure compassion, as if he already knew her problem: Her upcoming dinner with Loki. He’d actually gone to Tony for help. Loki had set aside his own pride just so he could find out about dating and what she would expect from him. He knew nothing of human dating traditions.

Maybe Tony wasn’t the best option to give advice on that after all.

“Loki asked me to have dinner with him tonight. Just him and me. I … accepted.”

Steve tensed just a little as he processed that information and then he nodded.

“And?”

“And I’m nervous!” she said. “Obviously. I mean, I haven’t dated in – well – years, really. Not, you know, properly dating. Not getting-dressed-up-and-having-dinner dating.”

“Hm. Are you afraid? Of him?”

“Not exactly. I mean, not him exactly.”

“But … you are afraid of something?”

This was what she needed to talk about.

“You know those files Tony had Fury delete?”

“Yeah.”

“There was this guy that I hurt when I was younger. He was … I thought he was a good man until he tried to …”

She shrugged, not able to actually say the words.

“I had known him for a few years. He was a teacher at my school and a friend of my parents, so I saw him a lot. He’d always bring me gifts or give me money to buy the things I wanted. He always told me it was because I was his favorite student. I was … unbelievably stupid.”

Steve placed his hand on her shoulder. “You were young, a kid by the sounds of it. He took advantage. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was, though. I thought I loved him. He said he loved me. I thought it must’ve been true because he treated me better than others. Now I know it wasn’t better, just different. He groomed me. That’s the official term. Guided me into doing things he liked, acting a certain way, dressing in clothes he liked me in.”

She had to admire the restraint Steve had. Very little disgust showed on his face and what little did was not directed at her.

“I enjoyed the attention until he became physical. I still thought I loved him then and he never pushed until the last night he was alive. I never thought he … He had never hurt me before, so I don’t know why he did what he did.”

The last line had her choking back tears. After all this time she still had a hard time saying the word. She had a problem saying his name. David. She didn’t even like thinking it, but there it was.

“I was put in the hospital for a few days – observation reasons mostly. I was hurt, but I was also in shock. The night I was hurt was the night I got my powers. It was like they were triggered or something. I had nothing to focus on and I didn’t know what was happening anyway, so I hurt him. I didn’t mean to. By the time I was done with him, his insides were so damaged the police said it appeared as if he’d jumped off a very tall building. Most of his bones were shattered.

“I did that. That’s what I can do, what SHIELD might want me for.

“The murder and the medical records … those were the files Tony unlocked, that Fury deleted. SHIELD threatened to have me locked up because I was a danger they didn’t understand. I chose to work for them instead.”

That was it. That was her story. She’d edited a few parts, of course, but Steve now knew what had happened to her. He didn’t need to know the details, didn’t need to know that David had been needlessly rough with her, or that he’d hurt her even more because she’d been scared and tense, or that she hadn’t been prepared for him at all because she’d never had sex before him and hadn’t welcomed the intrusion at all.

“Have you told anyone else?” Steve asked, his voice gentle and cautious.

She shook her head. “Tash knows, and Tony, obviously. I think Loki knows something is wrong, just not what it is. He knows I was hurt and that I got my ability because of it. But he doesn’t know I was … that I was raped.”

At the sound of that word she slumped forward, bringing her knees up and placing her arms around them. She quickly hid her face as tears began to fall.

“Please don’t tell him. I don’t want him to know.”

Even though her voice was muffled she knew Steve must’ve heard and understood because he suddenly had his arm around her and was letting her lean against him. She didn’t panic because Steve was just a friend and wasn’t looking to date her or kiss her or eventually have sex with her.

He was safe – and he was Captain America; he had a pureness about him that settled her nerves.

“I don’t know why you came to me with this, but thanks for trusting me with your secret. It will never spill from my mouth.”

She sniffled a little and said, “Thanks.”

Now she just needed to put her big girl panties on and get ready for her date. She would do this for Loki, and if she didn’t have a good time or if things went south then at least she could say she had tried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loki couldn’t believe – or wouldn’t let himself believe – what he saw in the mirror. He actually recognized himself.

Tony had made good on his promise of helping, and Loki had gone through a series of changes over the past hour, the most obvious of which was the hair cut he’d allowed himself to indulge in.

His reflection showed that he looked much like he had before allowing himself to let go of Thor’s hammer only to fall into the tormenting place he’d landed in.

His hair was clean, shiny but not oily, and he knew the dark locks would be silky smooth; his skin was pale but not sickly-looking, not like it had been when he’d first arrived on Midgard; his eyes were different – he didn’t know why, but they appeared more peaceful than they normally did.

His clothes weren’t new exactly. They were from the batch of clothes he’d been presented with once Tony had decided he could stay there at the tower. He had chosen a dark blue sweater and a pair of black jeans that fit his form quite well. He’d seen Arianna glance his way once or twice when he’d worn the sweater before, and she’d seemed to like it.

He would never admit out loud that he’d chosen it for her. It was a casual outfit, but if they weren’t going out then it wasn’t supposed to be formal or anything, right?

They were having dinner and hopefully stimulating conversation. Tony had recommended planning for a movie just in case conversation didn’t come easy.

Loki was to meet Arianna at her bedroom door at six-thirty. It was only six now. He didn’t know what else to do other than wait, so that was what he did.