#and outdoors jobs where i can live a life beyond a screen

[finitevariety]

Pirates of the Caribbean is unwatchable now because of obvious scumbag-actor reasons, but one of my persistent brainworms is that whenever I think about work I think 'take what you can; give nothing back'

If work is not fulfilling or worthy in itself (and it can be, in some situations) then the only reason I am there is so that someone can profit off my time. It is not a family. Their good opinion of me does not matter beyond keeping me employed. If everyone is expected to Go Above And Beyond then there is no above or beyond; the expectation is simply overwork.

[ppersonna]

out of my league - knj | 01

you were out of my league. got my heartbeat racing. if i die, don't wake me, cause you are more than just a dream - out of my league, fitz and the tantrums

✹ summary- Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out about your years-long hopeless crush on him. And he most definitely was not supposed to find out about it in front of all your coworkers in a company-wide meeting.

✹ rating- explicit/18+/nsfw

✹ pairing- kim namjoon x reader

✹ word count- 6.6k

✹ genre- angst, smut, comedy

✹ chapter warnings- swearing, descriptions of sex, sexual content, namjoon being a sexy flirt, jungkook being a himbo, awkward conversations, jimin being a protective bff

✹ a/n- hello and welcome to this fic thats lived in my google docs for almost a year now. without @ladyartemesia @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @chimoona, i would never have posted it. i truly owe so much of my brainstorming and creativity to their incredible brains and thoughts and ideas. i love them very much! i hope you enjoy this first chapter! please feel free to message me, talk to me abt anything!! im always here to chat. ILY!

MASTERLIST

Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out this way.

You planned to confess your undying, unerring love for your coworker at a better time, a classier place. You would wear a dress that highlighted your features, hair cascading down your back, makeup done to perfection and spritzed with expensive perfume. You’d confess, he’d confess right back, and you’d live happily ever after.

You’d also dreamt that Kim Namjoon would have the slightest inkling of who you are before he finds out about your year long crush. He might know you as the mousy girl in the office who doesn’t talk and doesn’t contribute much other than some crunched numbers and apparently the best coffee brewer in the office. But you’d prefer he knows you well—your favorite colors and movies and foods, what makes you happy and sad; things future husbands should know.

You very much did not think it would happen in a company wide conference, full of over five hundred suit-wearing executives. You did not think it would be done by the office bully, Chungha, who carefully takes over the mic and speaks the words clearly as she presents awards of recognition.

“Congratulations to Kim Namjoon for 5 years with the company, over $4 million in revenue, and the object of ____’s lust and affection. I’m sure you two will have the happy life she’s written in her journal about. Make sure you celebrate with her today!”

The room is silent, so silent you could have heard a pin drop from a mile away. Your face is cherry red and you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole. Your heart feels like someone has ripped it in half and you stare in horror at the girl smirking at the front. Is this what it feels like to be backstabbed? Namjoon looks perplexed—confusion written on his face as he gestures around to no one in particular like he’s saying ‘what the fuck was that?’

Awkward coughing and clapping begins and Namjoon stands to receive his award, a fine wooden fountain pen, and chances a glance around the room. He easily spots you, with your wide, frightened face. His look remains passive, not hinting what he’s thinking behind those stormy eyes, before he turns and sits back down at the table with his buddies from his department.

You seriously contemplate quitting your job. You could find a new one easily, right? Just stand up and tell your boss you quit and you’re out of there before Namjoon ever sees you again and you’ll never have to face the mean girl who’s ratting you out.

As much as the idea rolls through your head, you know you won’t do it. You love your job, love the security and finances it provides you, and you love to look at Kim Namjoon, all day every day.

You don’t understand where things went wrong.

( one month ago )

It’s 9:03 am. You finish brewing the coffee in the small staff kitchen and sigh at the aroma of the freshly ground beans. Coffee is your favorite meal, favorite time of day, favorite snack, and preferred beverage. You drink it constantly. You’re known as “coffee girl” at work, mostly because no one really bothers to get to know you beyond that. You drink coffee like it’s a devoted religion. You could drink a cup right before bed and still sleep like a baby. It was, put simply, your drink.

The office workers deem you to be the one to make the pots of coffee every morning, claiming you were the ‘best’. You didn’t mind—you preferred to make your own coffee regardless—but you believe your coworkers are trying to pass off the twenty-minute job to someone lower in the office hierarchy. And you were one step above the interns.

The coffee machine chimes to let you know it’s hot, and it’s ready for you. You eagerly pour a mug, a large one, and smile as the waft of freshly ground beans (by you, of course) fills your senses.

You nearly knock the cup out of your hand as Kim Namjoon strolls into the office, eyes set on the coffee.

You feel your throat swell up, like he’s an allergen and you’re caught without an epi-pen. Butterflies swirl in your stomach and you can’t stop staring at him. He pays you no mind, tired yet determined to pour a cup of coffee and get back to his office.

You stand in the small kitchen, clutching your coffee like a lifeline, and pray to god you don’t do something stupid.

Namjoon pours his mug, and you watch his muscular hands grip the coffee pot. He pours a hefty amount of cream and sugar into his cup—it appears even perfect male specimens have their faults. 

Your eyes dance on his face before they tango down his body. You wonder what he looks like in the morning, crawling out of bed with mussed hair and a sleepy smile painted on his face. He’d look at you and tell you you’re the most beautiful girl and kiss you deeply despite morning breath. Maybe he’d take you to the shower to press you against the tile as he fuc-

“Oh!” it startles Namjoon to see you, and the coffee in his hand swishes violently. “Didn’t see you there. Sorry!”

Your heart melts. He’s the picture of kindness and politeness. You recognize it’s been a few seconds and you still haven’t replied.

“It’s fine!”

“Great coffee, by the way,” he smiles. His teeth nearly knock you out cold with their brilliance. “Have a good day.”

He turns and exits the room without so much as a glance back at you. Your knees feel weak.

Kim Namjoon talked to you. He complimented you. He told you to have a good day. It’s the best and most significant conversation you’ve had with your secret crush.

You definitely file that away for another day when you need to reminisce on his compliment, and you scurry out of the kitchen towards your desk.

Park Jimin is waiting dutifully at your desk when you arrive, a smug smile still slapped over your features as you sip at your coffee. Namjoon spoke to you today—how lovely.

Jimin quirks an eyebrow. 

“What’s got you so perky this morning?” 

You’re normally quiet and passive, avoiding eye contact or any semblance of emotion on your face.

You look up at the blonde bespectacled boy. Park Jimin is the closest thing to a best friend in the company. He’s who you spend time with at lunch, see on weekends, and text often. You suppose he’s the closest thing to a best friend you have in your entire life.

You send him a smirk and lean in close to whisper. “Namjoon said hi to me today!”

Jimin sends you a pitiful look and pats your shoulder. Your best friend is well aware of your secret crush and while he thinks Namjoon is a nice guy, he thinks your crush is a little hopeless. He’s the most popular guy in the office, often has dates lined up every weekend. Jimin hears the way he and his friends talk in the break room. The man is definitely not hurting for female attention.

“Oh, honey,” he sighs, unenthusiastically. “That’s great.” He can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness over how excited you’re getting from a simple ‘hello’ from a coworker.

“I know, right? Anyway, lunch today?” You ask as you settle down into your cubicle.

Jimin pushes his glasses up his face and nods. “Of course! That’s why I came by this morning. I wanted to let you know that Jungkook from marketing will join us.”

You make a face, disgust etched in the lines creasing your forehead. 

“Why?”

Jungkook is well known in the company. He’s a loudmouth, a player, a clown, and everyone’s favorite comedian. He’s just not your favorite.

“Don’t be rude,” Jimin admonishes at your grimace. “He asked to join and well—he’s cute. I can’t say no to him.”

“Oh Christ, Jimin,” you groan. “Not you too! Don’t tell me you have the hots for the serial fuckboy?”

He blushes lightly and shrugs. “Maybe I do! Be nice to him today or I’ll eat all your chocolate ice cream I know you have at home.”

You stick your tongue out, petulantly. “Fine, now let me get to work or else Seokjin will be up my ass.”

Jimin smiles and kisses your cheek before he scurries away, back to human resources.

It feels as if barely any time has passed. You’re working hard, running calculations and updating spreadsheets. You have an eye for numbers, and losing yourself in an equation is just another day for you. You’re shaken from your cheerful place by a vibration from your phone, and a text alert popping on the lit screen.

jimin 12:01 pm- it’s lunchtime!! you better get your butt out here!

You smile and text back an affirmative reply, then move to grab your lunch from the company fridge. Gliding down the steps leading to the fresh outdoors, you meet Jimin at the lunch tables in the grass.

Jimin is sitting with Jungkook. You can recognize your best friend by his hair and glasses, and Jungkook by his obnoxious laughter.

“Hi,” you murmur as you sit down and open up the brown bag lunch you’ve brought.

“Hi!” Jimin is excited to see you, and just a pinch over eager to be sitting next to Jungkook.

“You know Jungkook, right?” Jimin asks, a harsh look in his eyes that reminds you to be on your best behavior.

You nod as you pull out a bag of grapes. “Oh, yeah, hey,” you smile. “I’ve seen you around.”

Jungkook delivers you a signature smirk and you feel yourself roll your eyes internally. “Yeah, you’re Coffee Girl, right?”

You pout and glare down at your brown bag lunch. Will you ever become more than just Coffee Girl?

“Yeah, I suppose that’s me.”

Jimin clears his throat to dismiss any awkwardness. 

“So, Jungkook, I hear you like working out? ___ likes to work out too. She drags me to the gym sometimes. Maybe we could all meet up sometime?” You don’t miss the hopeful lilt in his voice. Jungkook does.

“Oh, yeah?” He narrows a sexy look at you, rather—a look he thinks is sexy that you find off-putting. “What do you do at the gym? Little cardio sets with 5 pound weights?”

What an asshole.

“Sometimes,” you state as you take a bite of the homemade salad you handcrafted last night. “Most of the time I’m lifting heavy. I can bench 275 and deadlift 300.”

Jungkook looks taken back. “What, really?” He sounds breathless. “You lift more than Namjoon-hyung.”

At the sound of the love of your life’s name, you pause. Your face heats quickly and Jungkook smirks. Of course, he recognizes this and not Jimin’s obvious flirting.

“Why are you blushing?” He asks. “Did I say something?”

You’re quick to dismiss things. “Um--no. I just um,” you’re grasping at straws. “I’m hot.”

Jimin is trying not to laugh, hiding his mouth behind a petite hand.

Jungkook tilts his head. “It’s not even sunny today.”

You gulp. “Yeah, I must be hot. With a fever. M-malaria… probably.”

Jungkook snorts. 

“You have malaria? Bummer.” He picks at his nails. “I thought for a moment you had a thing for Namjoon.”

“No!” The retort is quick, too quick for normal conversation, and it gives you away.

“Aha!” Jungkook points an accusing finger at you. “You have the hots for him, don’t you?”

Your features melt, and Jimin tries to assuage the situation. “Jungkook, please don’t tell anyone,” he pleads.

Jungkook smiles at you. “That’s so cute. It’s like a little nerdy freshman crushing on the senior class president.”

You bury your head in your hands, suddenly unable to stomach any food.

“Jungkook,” Jimin’s tone becomes more firm, authoritative. “I’m asking you this as a friend. Please, don’t say anything.”

Jungkook holds his hands up to prove his innocence and waves his proverbial white flag. 

“Secret is safe with me,” he promises. “But it’s cute. I know him really well, you know. I could try to hook you two up.”

You blanch, unsure if you want Jungkook saying anything about you to the man of your dreams. 

“I’m good, but thanks,” you offer meekly. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to head back to work, okay?”

Jimin frowns, knowing you’re feeling like a cornered animal, and nods. “Feel better, babe,” he sighs.

Jungkook watches as you leave and turns to Jimin. “Man, he’s way out of her league.”

Jimin slaps the boy in the chest. “Be nice, asshole, that’s my best friend.”

Jungkook promises to be nice, and Jimin is blissfully unaware that others are listening and that the man beside him is easy to persuade.

( present day )

The company-wide meeting adjourns soon after what is likely to be the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever lived through.

You’re grabbing at your things and trying to run out of the room, desperate to get out before anyone sees you or talks to you or laughs at you.

A hand grabs at the coattails of your suit jacket and you’re pulled backwards with a yelp. You turn to seek your captor and find the concerned face of your best friend, Jimin.

“Are you okay? What the fuck just happened?”

Jimin’s concern makes it all real. Until now you could pretend you were in a fugue state, totally dissociated from reality. Now, you realize that everyone in the entire company is aware of your crush on Kim Namjoon.

You can feel your bottom lip wobble, tears threatening to spill. Jimin murmurs an ‘oh shit’ and drags you out of the large room and into the nearest bathroom. He pushes you to sit against the sink and passes you toilet paper to dab at your eyes.

“I don’t know how she found out!” you cry. “God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed.”

It incenses Jimin. He’s holding it back to ensure you’re okay, but in reality, it’s an HR nightmare waiting to happen. He’ll find who did it and punish them accordingly.

They will suffer. 

“It’s okay, babe,” he pulls you into a hug. “Everyone will forget about it soon. They’ll think it’s just a lame office joke, okay?”

You nod, feeling the slightest bit comforted by his words. 

“How could she find out, Jiminie?” You ask with a sniffle. “You’re the only person who knows.”

Jimin sighs and shakes his head.

“I don’t know, but they’re dead. I haven’t told any-... oh, my god,” Jimin stops suddenly. You look up at him to catch what he’s thinking.

He growls and balls his fists. 

“Jungkook knew.”

You let out a sob and bawl your eyes out into the tissue you’re holding. Jimin holds you tighter while he conjures up a hundred different ways to hurt someone and make it look like an accident.

“Don’t worry,” Jimin sighs, trying to comfort both you and himself. “I’m HR. I have to handle this. I’ll make sure they get what they deserve.”

You feel a sting of pain for Jimin. He’s been hopelessly doting on the man who spilled the beans for a few months now, even got to take him on a few dates. It was still nothing serious, but Jimin was clearly smitten.

“I’m sorry you have to do that, Chim,” you whisper. “I know how you feel about him.”

“Yeah, well,” he swallows thickly. “You’re more important than any asshole.”

Jimin holds you tight for a few minutes longer, before you clean yourself up and steel yourself. Ignore everyone, Jimin encourages. Just get to work, he says. Then you can go home and we’ll drink wine and forget about it all, he promises.

You replay his words in his head like a prayer as you walk down the corridors and towards your office. Everyone in the hallways stops to stare at you. They lean towards their friends and whisper. You hear snippets of their gossip, like “Namjoon” and “out of her league”. It drives the sharp blade lodged in your chest even further. It threatens to collapse your lungs and break your ribs.

You make it to your desk safe and sound and bury yourself in work and forcibly ignore the gawking and the stares. 

Just make it home. Just get through the day. You’re almost there.

You could do this.

You nearly make it the entire day before running into the one person you didn’t want to see, Kim Namjoon.

At the end of the day, you’re taking the stairs down to the parking garage instead of the elevator. The elevator is too busy, too many people, and you’re trying to avoid the stares and giggles at your expense. The stairs are always deserted and you figure it’s your safest bet.

You can nearly hear the wine calling your name at home. A delicate glass of Sauvignon Blanc and some chocolate ice cream and a good cry—it sounds like the best and only way to unwind after the worst day you’ve ever had in your life.

The chanting of your name gets louder and you wonder if you’ve finally lost your mind—if you’re actually hearing your wine bottles all the way at home talking to you.

No, wait. The voice is real, and coming from behind you. You turn around to face who’s calling you and nearly faint at the sight.

Kim Namjoon stands on the landing above you, one strip of stairs between you.

“Hey!” He seems glad he’s caught you. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

You swallow and search for an answer. 

“Sorry, I’m-.. I guess I’m just a little out of it today.”

Namjoon grimaces. 

“Yeah, about that…” he begins as he takes the steps down to be on equal ground as you. Your heart is spinning wildly. He’s so close to you. He’s talking to you. On any other day you’d be erupting towards the sky like a firework. But today isn’t any other day.

“I feel like I should apologize,” he states. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t plan it or anything.”

Damn him and his kindness. Damn him and his cute, awkward smile.

“No, no,” you assure. “I know you didn’t. You don’t have to apologize.”

It’s hard to make eye contact with the man. You want to, know it’s important in intense conversations like this, but the thought of him seeing you—really seeing you makes you ache inside.

“It was a really shitty prank,” he begins. “I’m sure you don’t even know who I am, let alone have a crush on me.”

For the millionth time that day, your face heats to a near boil. You stammer and you’re sure you’ve blown any chance at even thinking about a date with Namjoon.

“Oh, uh, right,” you seek an answer, beg your brain to pick something to say that doesn’t make you sound stupid. “I do.”

“You do what?” He’s confused and you widen your eyes at what just left your mouth.

“I do know you! I mean, I do have a crush on you! Oh, fuck,” you shove your face into your hands. “Please, ignore that. I need to go. Sorry!” You don’t give him a chance to reply, you book it out of the stairway as fast as your heels will take you.

Today was the worst day you’ve suffered through in your life.

The next few days aren’t much better.

Not only are you “coffee girl”, you’re now also sarcastically called “Namjoon’s girl”. As much as you hate your initial title, you’d prefer it to the new one they throw at you as you walk by.

Jimin rats out Jungkook and Chungha to the bosses. They get two weeks probation and they have to write you apology letters if they wish to keep their permanent files clean of any reprimands. It’s a slap on the wrist, and everyone involved knows it. Jimin is furious and wants the boss to reconsider. You tell him not to push it. You’d rather this be over and everyone to forget it even happened. Jimin unwillingly agrees.

You’re working at your desk, earphones shoved in your ears to diffuse the gossip in the room, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn and are greeted with the face of Judas Iscariot himself, Jeon Jungkook.

“Hi,” he sounds sheepish, cheeks reddening.

You narrow your eyes at him, sharper than steel. “What the fuck do you want?”

He winces, knowing he deserved that. “Well, I just wanted to apologize. I know they told me to write you a letter, but it seems too impersonal…”. 

You can’t believe Jungkook is sucking his ego up and actually coming to you to apologize. You thought he’d for sure be the one to cop out and send a shitty letter.

He continues. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry that all went down. I didn’t mean to tell her. She got me drunk and said she saw me eating lunch with you and Jimin. I think she was jealous or something and it slipped out. I know that’s not an excuse. I fucked up your trust and Jimin’s trust. But I just wanted you to know I didn’t do it to be an asshole. She sort of duped me.”

You pause as you take in the man’s apology. He didn’t have to come to you in person. He could have easily taken the shitty route and half-assed a letter to you. But he didn't, and he owned up to his mistake. God dammit.

“I appreciate your apology, Jungkook,” you sigh and you see his body visibly relax. “I’m still mad, but I guess the anger is at her for doing it in the first place. I’m sorry she tricked you.”

He breathes a sigh of relief and kneels down beside you. “I’m really happy you believe me. I was worried you were going to kick me in the nuts.

“I won’t lie, I thought about it.”

He smiles with you, and you feel like this is the restart of a friendship. “I definitely deserved it.”

You shrug and smile. “Jimin would kill me for hurting you. He might even kill me for thinking about hurting you.”

Jungkook’s smile drops at the name of your best friend. Yikes. Looks like there’s still trouble in paradise.

“I think you’d be in similar company with Jimin right now. He’s not speaking to me.”

You let out a breath through your nose. “Yeah, he’s a little protective of me.”

“For good reason,” he admits. “You’re like a cute little flower. A cute nerdy flower.”

“Jungkook,” you warn. “I just forgave you after I was humiliated in front of the entire company. I’d be careful with calling me nerdy right now.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

It’s hard to stay mad at the boy, no matter how much you dislike his reputation around the office. The fact that he humbled himself enough to seek you out and apologize is proof enough to you of his character.

“It’s okay, Jungkook. I forgive you,” you smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”

He rubs the back of his neck anxiously as his cheeks flare red.

“Yeah, it felt pretty shitty to just… do anything else. Plus, you seem really cool.”

“You seem great, too, Jungkook.”

He smiles and pulls you in for a hug, catching you off guard. For the fuckboy type, he’s surprisingly sensitive and soft. You like that about him.

“I’ll see you around, okay?” He says as he pulls away from you.

“Maybe you should apologize to Jimin, too?” 

His smile drops, but he nods anyway. “Yeah, maybe I’ll go find him now.”

“Good luck,” you offer with a pat on his shoulder.

With a sad smile, he turns and heads down the hallway towards the HR department. You pray Jimin shows mercy to the handsome boy.

A few weeks go by, and you’re sure that everyone has forgotten about you and your most embarrassing moment to date. You make the coffee, you calculate the numbers, everyone ignores you. Things return to relative normalcy.

Until it doesn't. The moment you think you're safe is the moment your guard comes down and everything falls apart around you.

It's when you're in the staff kitchen, grinding fresh beans to brew a second pot of coffee, that it happens.

The kitchen is fuller than usual. You normally try to wait until the lunchtime crowd dwindles and leaves to make your second pot, but you're so desperate for the caffeine that you can't find it in you to care.

You trudge into the kitchen with your handy coffee mug clutched in your tired hands and head towards the cupboards to grind up the beans.

There's a few groups of coworkers lingering in the room, and as your grinder whirs the beans around into a powder, you chance a look around to see who's among the crowd.

Your eyes flick immediately to where a hearty laugh erupts. It makes your heart still in your throat. Namjoon sits with his usual crowd of friends, hand gripping a homemade sandwich while the other assists him in telling his story to his friends. He pays you no mind—why would he?—and you can't help but stare at the way his dark brown hair lays perfectly against his forehead, and his eyes crinkle so cutely at the edges when he smiles.

You nearly forget about the coffee grounds—you're snapped out of your Namjoon-induced trance when suddenly a woman's laugh echoes around the room.

"Look at her," the voice states.

You peer up and see a girl you vaguely recognize. Is she from Marketing? Or perhaps Sales? You’re not sure, but she’s staring at you with a sneer.

“She’s so weirdly obsessed with Namjoon. It’s so creepy.”

Your face turns cherry red and you’re sure your lungs stop functioning. The air your body needs to breathe freezes and your chest aches. 

Namjoon turns to look at the girl before he looks and sees you grasping your coffee grounds tightly.

“Chungha was right—it’s so weird. Namjoon, you should talk to HR about this!”

Namjoon turns back to the gossiping coworker and frowns. “Can you leave it alone? She wasn’t even doing anything.”

The girl huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and looks back at Namjoon.

“How can you stand to be in the same room as her? She clearly thinks she has a chance with you.”

Her words come out like a bite. She punctuates her point with a harsh laugh and the group around her mumbles and chuckles in agreement.

You’re desperately grabbing at anything you can, wanting to leave as quickly as possible before you’re embarrassed further.

“Well, she does!” Namjoon replies loudly, annoyance written in his features. “I was actually going to ask her to dinner this weekend in private, but since everyone is so fucking interested in my love life, I have to do it publicly.”

The room falls silent, and your favorite mug falls out from your hands and shatters on the floor. All sets of eyes stare at you while yours widen with disbelief—you don't even care that you’re standing in a pool of old coffee and shattered ceramic. 

Namjoon stands and heads over to you, bending down to pick up the shards of your coffee mug. You take a few stunted breaths to kneel and help. 

His eyes peer into yours. They’re warm—a chocolate brown color that makes you feel safe.  

“What do you say?” He asks with a smile so gentle it nearly breaks your heart. “Will you let me take you out this weekend?” 

You’re gaping like a fish and the surrounding room is silent—bated breath waiting for your reply. 

“Yes, I would l-love that.” 

His smile turns even brighter, and he stands to throw the broken mug away. 

“I’ll email you the details, okay?”

Your head nods dumbly without thinking. His eyes sparkle as he smiles at you, and he extends his hand down to you to assist you off the floor. As your hand slips into his, you can’t help but feel how soft and strong he feels. You wonder what his hand would feel like caressing your face, smoothing down the expanse of your bare back, running down the length of your body.

The thoughts shake out of you as he winks and kisses your hand gently, causing the gossiping coworker to grunt her disapproval and for murmurs of shock to echo around the room.

“I’ll talk to you later, doll.” Namjoon winks at you before he grabs his sandwich and leaves the room, gesturing to his crew to follow along.

The place on your hand felt warm where his lips once lingered. You no longer cared about the angry glares from the rest of your coworkers. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, and you leave the kitchen nearly floating on cloud nine.

Email from: Kim Namjoon

Sent: 3:06 pm

Subject: Hey good lookin ;)

Hey! 

Just wanted to see how you are! I’m sorry about what happened at lunchtime. That was super petty and uncalled for. I really wanted to ask you out, and I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much by doing it in front of everyone.

I was wondering if you’d like to go out this Friday night after work? Say around 7? If you send me your address, I’ll pick you up.

Let me know!

Xoxo, Joon

You’re sure if you weren’t sitting in your tiny cubicle, you’d be screaming your lungs out.

The second the notification of the email came through, direct from the man of your desires himself, your body froze.

You re-read the message, over and over and over.  

The winky emoji, the xoxo, the nickname ‘joon’. It’s all so much and makes the grin on your face threaten to split your lips in half.

Your fingers press the “FWD” button and you quickly send the message to Jimin, before you stand demurely, attempting to give off an air of professional confidence. You need to talk to Jimin, now.

As soon as you’re out of the eyesight of suspicious coworkers, you bolt down the hallway towards Human Resources. Your high heels click loudly on the tiled floor, but the sound doesn’t even register in your mind. All you can think about is Namjoon, the email, the press of his lips on your hand, the way his smile made you feel as if you could fly.  

The door to HR swings open with your tight grip around the doorknob, and you open your mouth to call to Jimin, the lone employee, when you’re startled by the sight ahead of you.

Jimin sits on the edge of his expansive desk with his arms thrown around Jungkook’s neck and is clearly engaged in a deep, sensual kiss. At the sound of the door opening, they quickly break apart, with matching cherry red blushes on their cheeks and mused hair.

“Oh, shit,” you gasp. 

The men are silent and you can’t help but giggle after a moment passes. “I’ll take it you two made up?”

Jungkook flashes you a dopey grin, one that gives you an answer, while Jimin smirks haughtily.

“Jungkook and I were just discussing, umm… his 401k.”

Jungkook looks at the blonde boy for a moment, confused, before he gets it. “Yeah! Totally. Retirement. Love to t-talk about it?”

You laugh out loud and walk towards the couple.

“I’m sure it was a titillating discussion,” you tease. “I have good news though, if it’s okay to interrupt this retirement planning session.”

Jimin nods and Jungkook rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess I should leave?”

“It’s okay,” you smile. “I trust you.”

Jungkook smiles as if he’s just won the lottery. He looks between you and Jimin, face pure and excited like a puppy.

“What’s up?” Jimin asks as he moves to sit down at his desk.

“I forwarded you an email. Read it.”

Jimin nods and logs on to his posh computer, scrolling and clicking before narrowing his eyes and reading.

“Oh, my god.” Jimin’s face is shocked—it's written all over his features. “Namjoon asked you out?!”

Jungkook’s child-like grin turns into one of shock himself. He runs around to stand behind Jimin, eyes seeking over the words of the email.

“Well, hot damn,” Jungkook whistles. “He asked her out.”

Jimin exchanges a look with Jungkook, one that you’re not sure you can read. It quickly slips your mind, however, as you’re more focused on the task at hand.

“Can you come over tonight after work and help me pick out something to wear?” You ask excitedly.

Jimin smiles at you, a touch of sadness in his eyes, before he nods.

“Of course, babe,” he assures. “We’ll make sure you look nice and hot for the date with Mr. Kim.”

“Thank you!” You squeal as you wrap your arms around your best friend. He hugs you back before you scurry out of the office and back to your cubicle, itching to reply to the message.

Jimin sighs as the door to his office closes behind you.

“Kook, please don’t tell me he’s going to break her heart. He’s asking her out to make himself feel better about this, isn’t he?” 

Jungkook slips his hand into Jimin’s and squeezes. 

“I’ll find out, baby.”

Jimin smiles and nods appreciatively at the boy, before leaning up and kissing him.

Jungkook smiles against his lips, and is determined to ensure the young HR specialist never hates him again, even if he has to go behind his hyung’s back to ensure his new boyfriend’s happiness.

Jungkook has one mission now, and that’s ensuring Namjoon takes you on the greatest date known to man.

He grills Jimin with questions about what you like over dinner one night. Jimin finds it endearing that Jungkook is so eager to rectify his mistakes, but he still can’t help but worry that Namjoon is doing this to save face—not because he actually likes you.

“So, what does she like doing?” Jungkook asks as he spins his pasta around his chopsticks idly.

Jimin smiles as he takes a bite of the ramen Jungkook has thoughtfully prepared for their stay-at-home date.  

“I’ve told you already! She’s easy to figure out.” Jimin pats Jungkook’s hand gently. “She loves cooking and baking, working out, daydreaming about Namjoon.” 

“Cooking, hm,” Jungkook looks thoughtful as he takes a bite. “I think Namjoon can work with that. I’ll let him know!”

Jimin tries to hide the anxiety brewing in his stomach. He’s had to plaster on a fake smile for you while you tried on different outfits, wondering which will be the one to finally convince Namjoon he is the one for you. It’s hard to fake it around his boyfriend, too—but something tugs in his stomach that flares the cynical side of him.

Namjoon went from not knowing of your existence, to watching you get publicly embarrassed in a matter of minutes. While Namjoon isn’t a terrible guy, Jimin knows he doesn’t like anything to tarnish the gentleman reputation he’s built in the office. And as much as Jimin likes him, and surely likes his friend Jungkook, he can’t help but feel skeptical.

Jungkook hurriedly pulls out his phone and types away, letting his elder friend know of what he’s found out. Jimin swallows his food, and his pride, and hopes to god his growing cynicism is wrong.

Friday comes slower than you’d like. You wake up every day during the week, one day closer, and your eagerness hits peak levels. Namjoon sees you in the hallways during the week and winks at you, hands shoved in his tight slacks that make you salivate.  

He emails you again Thursday afternoon, confirming things and getting your address. You reply in nanoseconds, uncaring how overeager you come off. 

By the time your alarm clock rings on Friday morning, you’ve already been awake for 4 hours.

All you can do is daydream about the date, the way his hand fits into yours, the warmth of his eyes when he smiles at you.

It’s what fuels you through work.

You hope to god the numbers you’re attempting to work during the day come out right, because your mind is elsewhere for more than most of the day. There isn’t enough coffee in the world, but also your body feels as if you’ve overdosed on caffeine already.

The clock eeks towards 5:00 pm and you’re bolting out the door at 4:56 to head home and get ready for your date.

Jimin attempts to meet you before you leave, but your desk is cold and empty by the time he gets there.  

He sighs and heads back towards his office to gather his things, waving bye to various coworkers as they file out of the corporate building.

He turns the corner towards his office but stops in his tracks as he sees Namjoon’s back to him, phone pressed to his ear.

“Baby, I’ll come over later tonight, okay?” Namjoon speaks into the phone.

Jimin feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach. He retreats and hides behind a wall, ear carefully peeled to listen to the tall man’s conversation.

“I’m going on this date with that chick from work,” he sighs. “It won’t last more than a few hours. Poor girl has a crush on me and you know the usual assholes won’t leave her alone.”

Jimin bites his lip and clenches his fist. Namjoon thinks he means well, but he knows his suspicions have been confirmed, and he’s torn inside. He wants to tell you, to warn you not to get too invested in the man, but he also has no interest in popping the bubble you’ve been in since the day he asked you out.

Jimin lets it simmer for now. He decides he’ll monitor Namjoon and cut things off if it appears the man strings you along for fun.

Namjoon finishes his phone call with a promise to see whoever is on the other end of the phone later that night, and Jimin quickly pulls out his phone and fakes a conversation with no one when he hears the man approach.

“Oh, Kookie,” Jimin giggles, leaning against the wall casually. “I can’t wait to see you tonight, either, babe.”

Namjoon walks towards Jimin and makes eye contact with the HR specialist.

“Bye, Kook! See you tonight, baby.” Jimin finishes up the fake phone call as Namjoon arrives next to him, and he plasters on his best fake smile.

“Congrats on you and Jungkook,” he speaks sincerely.

Jimin hates how nice he is, hates that he’s a nice guy who gets too wrapped up in his own good looks and reputation.

“Thanks, Namjoon,” Jimin smiles uneasily. “You too! Have fun on your date tonight.”

Namjoon’s face lights up and Jimin desperately wishes he could go back in time to 30 seconds ago, before he heard the conversation, and believe that Namjoon truly wanted to date you.

“Thanks, should be fun, huh?” He winks and nudges Jimin, before he waves a goodbye and continues out the door.

Jimin pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials the number of his boyfriend.

“Hey, baby. We’ve got a problem.”

tag list! - @jimidol @aretha170 @dearbambideer​ 

[ivesambrose]

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

As promised, a late Christmas but early new year gift from my side. 💚

Choose the screen you feel strikes a memory from your childhood or your dreams or something that's been on your mind lately xo

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at jovescorpioreadings@gmail.com

1.

Life hasn't been as harmonious due to the obvious circumstances have made you feel that this is your new reality now. Finding a new normal in where you've always been. But that's far from the truth.

Maybe you have strayed from something you had faith in, but in 2021 its time to get back in touch with that again. But I'm not seeing blind faith here, there's a sense of clarity. One you didn't have before and caused you foggines. I literally see a thick fog. You're going to have a chance to live what you've missed out on the year before.

There will be a boost in self esteem as well as desire to focus on focus on the sweetness moments in life has to offer. It's almost as though you're bored of the news, bored of the bitterness and being concerned. So to put it in simpler terms, your attitude has become rather Yolo.

I see some of you building immunity, focusing on what you eat, maybe even taking supplements for health. I literally see someone weight lifting this could be as literal as building strength / muscle. Good for you!

The start of the year it seems an idea will take a tangible form. I see some of you committed to learning something new or working on something that you would like to put out the public. I see someone devoted to some form of expression honestly.

It's also advised to protect your energy not everyone is going to be happy with your goals and plans.

You'll also be able to see beyond current circumstances. So long term plans will be the focus as well as a general attitude of, "I don't care anymore, I'm gonna do what it takes eitherway."

I also see you learning more about finances, savings, investments etc

There will be opportunities to travel or what was once halted will pick up.

Aquarius and virgo season are significant.

Some keys themes are,

- knowing when to leave a situation discreetly.

- again, know when to leave.

- recognizing opportunities and seizing them instead of awaiting validation or looking back at the ones that didn't bring you fulfillment.

2.

I feel you've been restless and anxious throughout the year so now that sudden patience and understanding hits you, you're unfamiliar with this feeling. The, "I don't have to worry anymore you mean? I don't have to wake up feeling not messed up? That's suspicious!"

I see some of you finding some comfort in walking while listening to music, picturing different scenarios etc. You could be walking indoors or outdoors, doesn't matter. All I know is that it'll ground you. I see you feeling a little more stable as though you can rely on yourself.

I see you attracting a lot of wealth honestly. Money is just energy, eitherway you'll attract it. I think you'll tap into that power honestly. You might even find yourself having purchased something you consider a luxury item sometime this year. Increase in wealth will also give you a boost in other areas of your life. You may also take a liking towards warmer colors. You may like gold over black combination a lot too.

I'm seeing you heal an old would. Wanting more adrenaline in your life too. Some of you may dance, take up dancing etc something that gets the blood pumping.

There's also a theme of getting in touch with the emotions you have often kicked under the rug or have shamed yourself for and left unexpressed.

Why do I sense a more feral energy in some of you? Like you've been quiet for so long and settled for things but deep inside you are a wild, wild thing.

A cycle of turmoil is complete, the person you were in jan 2020 and the one you are in Jan 2021 are extremely different people.

There's also a connection you have been dreaming of or getting signs of but you're fearing the worst it seems too? Don't worry about it too much,

Significant months are Aries and Leo season.

Key themes for this year,

- relocation

- long distance travel

- flexibility

- multiple jobs

- silently knowing you're the baddest bitch ever

3.

Calming of your nerves. No thought head empty. But in the best way possible since you've flushed out a lot of toxicity from your life. There's probably something you've incorporated maybe an affirmation, hobby, routine etc that you're going to be or are advised to be persistent about. Some of you may also be suffering from sleeplessness, nightmares, restlessness etc maybe even headaches, eye strain. You're truly advised to make your health well being your priority. Calming music, meditation, painting etc will help with this.

Your gift of visualization will be very useful for some reason.

You may have felt unrequited love in the past but this year brings about more synchronicity and balance. Its simply because you've chosen to bring the priority to you. So you won't be settling for less.

The biggest theme for you is breaking an ancestral pattern and shedding old skin. Don't be surprised if the whole year feels like a Pokémon evolution for you. It's high time to follow what you want instead of what others want for you.

I see some of you leaving a hostile/exhausting situation/residence to somewhere much calmer.

There's a key theme of rebirth and heeding the call of something you couldn't do earlier. Being more active in pursuit of your goals. I see you determined to do something for yourself.

I also see clarity of thought more assertiveness in your part and knowing when to command things into fruition.

Significant months are capricorn and taurus season. Even Gemini season.

Key themes for the year:

- don't blind yourself to the love you literally just manifested.

- it's okay to be selfish of your earned resources.

- as your shed your old skin, don't expect yourself to not have an upgrade.

- you indeed won and their gaslighting did not.

4.

You feel you have lost your shine it seems...

As though you don't have the gifts or the right amount of talent or perhaps you feel disconnected with the things that once made you happy.

2021 is all about finding that sparkle and dropping the heaviness one day at a time. It'll be a transformative period from feeling lack lustre to discovering a whole new array of things you feel connected to. A lot of awakened creativity without the fear of having to prove to others that, "Hey look, I did this thing please validate." no. Do this cuz you want to. Do this even if you think its bad. You have to be persistent and allow yourself to improve.

I see a lot of you channeling certain emotions into creative expression or achieving something. Also a lot of connecting with nature by yourself since you feel the need to maybe isolate a bit or disconnect from people who drain you off your energy.

You'll be reaping a lot of rewards for your earlier efforts as well as the efforts you're going to put in. I get a picture of a tree filled with apples, the tree certainly belongs to you and you have your sweet rewards with you. Your patience has paid off.

You may also be drawn to cool tones or cool colors. You'll also learn that you don't need to be right or perfect all the time. It's a growing stage and if you don't learn from your mistakes then what's the point. I just see this year as being you keeping your peace and not dwindling in others business anymore simply because you seek peace from extra drama. I also truly see you dropping the need to be right and being stubborn cuz that's been hindering you for the longest time. There are people although few seeking to guide and help but you may have been subconsciously rejecting it.

I also wouldn't be surprised if some of you break up with current partners or a friend group to go different ways. You've been straying form things and not really growing. This year might be full of a lot of self awareness for you.

There's an opportunity that brings you emotional fulfillment of sorts too but you'll be lowkey about it. I also see you wanting to seek refuge from your own thoughts at one point. If you're an artist of any kind, this year is gonna be a benchmark for you. I can tell that. Perhaps admist this soul searching you'll find someone that aligns with you too. (this could be romantic or platonic)

Significant seasons are taurus and likely Leo season.

Main themes I'm seeing are that of,

- Finding people you feel at home with

- learning what you want to commit to before you decide in who.

- taking the risk to take certain journeys by yourself. You may think you're alone, but you'll meet souls just like you along the way.

- leave your comfort zone. Please.

5.

You're truly about the collect the biggest glow up award and I would like to congratulate you in advanced. That's it. That's the overview.

Okay I'm kidding ofc I'm not gonna leave you at just that.

Something that is long inevitable will happen. You have been waiting for this. It could be a travel plan that did not come through because of the previous year. But whatever it is that you're waiting for is making its way to you and not just that, you're making your way towards something or some place to.

You maybe going the distance for something that has a lot to do with your career as well.

You have finally unlocked a hidden fire within you (for real I see a scarlet red and a flame) that is just so stunning like?? Some of you might just embody this sexy siren energy. Do not be surprised if you attract people left, right and center this year. But then again I see y'all being invested in your passions and one of these passions is being your best like, there's just so much 7 rings by Ariana energy here what even? Please own it!

Expect love offers. Expect love to come in. Although I do hesitancy here since a lot of you just had this sudden glow and are simply maybe not used to tenderness, honesty and affection.

I also see leadership, management and business skills is something you will learn this year. Also expect hearing certain messages in conversations and music I feel a lot of you simply connect deeply with music or it's connected with your life path.

Key themes for the year,

- A long term romance coming in. This person is such a charm, I feel as though when you were busy tending to your goals and looking at how far you've come, they come in for you. You saw them coming but it still feels unexpected.

Significant seasons are, cancer, virgo and scorpio.

- money saved secretly. Patience and constant efforts bringing in monetary rewards.

- connecting with like minded people

- travel, skincare, health, aesthetics. 

- learning to be more graceful and composed

- slow progress is still progress. The most beneficial kind.

[askyancy]

I dont wanna be free

As friends gather to the outdoor stage area, it’s a lot different than how it looked last time folks were here. 

Chairs are parted, there’s less seating as a result of space, there’s a big plexiglass screen between the stage and its audience.  Protection and safety first. 

Several familiar inmates are bustling about on the stage.  Sparkles McGee currently pestering poor Bambam who’s carrying around a handheld red piano and trying to shoo their sibling off them long enough to do some last minute practice and tuning.  That is up until someone with fairy wings happens to waltz right in and steal Sparkles’ full attention. Hands and nose pressed up against the glass like a child looking in at a candy store. 

“mffmmf!”  It’s sadly not.. possible to hear through the glass without the microphones on! -THUMP THUMP- “MFFHMFFH!” A lot of rapid pointing to the wings and bouncing up and down with a stupid grin on their face.  Its only stopped once Bambam comes over to grab Sparkles by the shoulder and whisk them away as they get ready to start. 

Once everyone was seated, things were in place and everything ready to go, Warden Murderslaughter headed up to the front and straightened his jacket out.

“Welcome welcome one. and. all. We have quite the auspicious evenin’ fer ya tonight. Our wonderful and FINEST RE-HA-BIL-I-TAYTED prisn’ers have put tagether quite the spectacle. So without further aDO I present ta you the Happy Trails Penitentiary Singin’ Sparklin Quartet and their FULL version of I dont wanna be free!” 

There’s a round of applause as the Warden heads back to the side of the seating area, lights dimming and stage lights coming on for the four wandering on stage. 

Yancy, Bambam, Sparkles and Jimmy the Pickle (Hank is so proud) take their spot on stage, all hooked up with microphones and ready to go.  Yancy starts of course

“De outside woyurld recoils in fear t’inkin’ if dey slip up dey’ll get locked up in here”  Bambam joined now with the piano, Sparkles with some lil shakers and eventually Jimmy with a deep bassy hum to help the mood. 

“Ya killin' ya'self to make ends meet while I'm workin on my tan and kickin' up my feet Ye cant be livin in prison deres always something ta do And you know who's payin', everyone but you Every day I wake up to a nice hot shower don't pay the water bill so I'm scrubbin' for hours“

Bambam took over singing as the quartet move around the stage in silly yet stylish dance moves.  “Shoot some hoops then lift weights in the yard maybe blow off some steam, shiv a rookie guard“  there’s a cheeky wink sent to officer Free who fixes Bambam a squinty face 

“And there's nothiiiing more exquisiteeeee than when I get my 40 minute conjugal visiiiit~” As yes Sparkles, just as sparkly as ever, turns out those shakers are actually the wrist bands they’re wearing! How bout that. 

“C'mon on meet the gang there's Jimmy the Pickle” A wave “and Shithole Hank he makes the best hooch wine in his toilet tank there's Bambam” Bambam strikes a pose with a grin  “and Tiny and Sparkles McGee” The group band together in a line for some jazz hands “and every single one of us scumbags agree”

“I don't wanna be free leave me in luxury why try a prison break when hard times is totally great I got a trash pedigree but in here I'm bourgeoisie I never think about the world beyond and I'd recall how I killed my mom no I don't wanna be free“

It’s at this point that Yancy takes up a verse most hadn’t heard before and those that have heard it may have long forgotten it. 

“Crocheting and my mail-in law degree take up so much time can't eat all my free meals I'ts like fun college without student loan debt Surrounded by the friendliest guys I've ever met!” The group dance around again as the lights change colors and some of the guards (Mostly Officer Free who’s not doing his job at all) start tapping their toes and dancing on the spot. 

“I don't wanna be free leave me in luxury The justice system's haven't sent me and you end up paying the rent Got no responsibilities in the penitentiary Except designing my next tattoo and perfecting the kitchens' mystery stew”

The group start to wrap it up, building up and pulling out the big broadway part

“no I dont wanna be free not the life for me no I don't wanna be free of these amenities if I tried to live this good out thereeeeeee I'd have to be a thousandaireeeee this is where I wanna grow OOOOOOOLD!” Nailed it “so I'm just prayin’ I dont make paroleeeeee cos I don't wanna be free!”

POSE!

A roar of applause greets the group and they take their bows, panting but all very pleased that they’d each nailed their parts.  There’s a little bit of a muffled cracking sound that comes from behind the glass as Jimmy scoops the other three into a broad bear hug and may slightly possibly snap their spines a little. Just a little. Jimmys a very happy pickle.

The Warden soon shoos them off stage “Braavo. Braavo. Bravo. We here at Happy Trails Penitentiary are very proud of our prisn’ers and how far they’ve come on their journey to becomin upstandin members of socety! now with that all done n over.  Get de hell outta mah prison” 

Yup. time to leave! shoo shoo!  Maybe if you’re quick enough you can catch Yancy at the booths again before you have to leave! 

OOC: I recently discovered that there’s a full version of this song that folks have..never spoken about? Ive never seen the full lyrics anywhere and honestly grabbing them was a pain (i might be off on one or two but you cant blame me heh) so here’s the full version! Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/N1xn5gXFch4?t=209

[yourdailykitsch]

I found this new interview from Taylor in Italian Vanity Fair and was able to roughly translate it for you guys:

Waiting to see him on the big screen in City of Crime (21 Bridges), after months of hard work on the set, Taylor Kitsch relaxes on his two wheels: traveling-king, photographing and meeting people I don't know are my great passions Whenever he has the opportunity to take a few days off, wherever he is in the world, Taylor Kitsch gets on the bike and goes. Long solo  journeys, "people I meet them along the way, I like to spend some time with people I don't know." Last summer, for example, he led a week between Switzerland and Italy. "I have traveled all over Europe by motorcycle. I have been to Italy a few times already, in the Alps, in Venice and in the Cinque Terre. And of course, I have made long trips in the United States. I bring my camera with me, I venture along the country or mountain roads and, when I find a beautiful viewpoint, I stop to take some pictures In Yellowstone National Park, I spent a week driving and photographing wild animals. A cathartic experience. It helps me to recharge." In this period, Kitsch needs to regenerate more than usual, after shooting four films back to back. One of these is City of Crime, in these cinema nights. A story full of adrenaline, a manhunt in an isolated Manhattan (the original title was 21 bridges, how many connections to the mainland was changed). "When I read the script, I thought it reminded me a lot of the noir films that I grew up with and that I've loved since I was a kid." And, soon, we will see him in the Shadowplay TV series, alongside Michael C. Hall (the protagonist of Dexter). "We shot mostly in Prague even though the story is set in Berlin in 1946, after the end of the Second World War. I play a New York police officer who is there to help regroup the police, but also to find the brother who he has lost contact with. " You have a reputation for being manic in preparing for roles. "It amuses me and helps me get into the character. If it were up to me I would give myself a lot more time. Sometimes I can, between preparation, shooting and 'decompression' I dedicated a year of my life to the role of David Koresh in the Waco series ( The leader of the Davidian sect, responsible for the death of 92 people in Texas in 1993, ed.) " A demanding role. You had to lose nearly 15 kilos? "Yes, but having had six months of time, I could allow myself to lose them slowly. The real problem was the last 5, because at that point you have no more fat mass, and the muscle that must drop. But it had been much more hard for The Bang Bang Club. where I played an assault photojournalist. I naively thought I could lose 16 pounds in 5 weeks. It was after that experience that I decided to study food science. nutritionist. It is incredible how important the food we eat. Everyone should know more. " Another disastrous experience, for different reasons, was John Carter: 200 million loss, one of the biggest flops in Hollywood history. "But I would do it all again! I stayed in touch with several people I met on that set. We still talk too. And then, there are a lot of factors that contribute to the success or failure of a film. Much depends on the moment in which the movie comes and and or the promotion. All things that are out of the control of an actor. I still receive messages from people who say they loved that movie. I learned a lot from that experience. " You had a particularly unique childhood. How much has your mother made you the person you are today? "My mother raised me and my two brothers alone. We lived in the middle of nowhere  and, after school, we spent time outdoors. We played in the woods and went for a swim in a lake. I consider myself lucky to have grown that way. I learned that if you want to be successful you have to commit yourself especially if you start from scratch. I started working at the age of 13 to bring some money home." What did you do? "I delivered newspapers door to door, I cleaned the changing rooms at the lake, things like that. It was formative, I learned to work hard from a very young age and also to use the imagination. You are there to do a job and the mind wanders where it wants. Much better than video games." It is true that the Austin house where you live you designed? Exactly. I designed it, just the way I wanted it, and I feel great about it. I wanted it by the lake, precisely because of the wonderful memories of my childhood. It is my paradise. I couldn't bear to live in Los Angeles or New York, I can really detach them from everything. Although, in reality, I spend very little time there. I'm always out on business. Let's be clear, I'm not complaining. I love visiting new places. Now I am planning a trip to South Sudan. I work with two organizations, African Children's Choir and Wild Aid. One day I would like to publish a photo book. And donate the profits to them." Life plans beyond travel plans? "I hope to be able to complete a project I have been thinking about for many years. I wrote the script and would like to direct it. And just recently a director contacted me that I love very much offering me a role. We'll see. The beauty of this job is also that you don't know what will happen tomorrow." I meant career aside. "At the moment I'm doing well, I don't want a family or kids right now. My motorcycle is enough. With her I can go anywhere."

[potestessemagishomosexualitatis]

Tangled In Your Heartstrings: Bonus Material

I came up with a whole load of headcanons writing my witch/vampire Secret Santa fic that didn’t make the final cut, so here they are:

The World & Fae

Many different kinds of magic and magical creatures exist in this world, and have been known about by humans for all of human history.

As a rule of thumb, anything that would be illegal to do by non-magical means and/or is obviously immoral is illegal under human law. How much non-humans feel bound by this law varies.

Some magical creatures (”the undead”) were once human. This includes vampires, weres (as in werewolves, werecoyotes, etc.), ghouls and more. Others, including the fae, are distinct species.

Witches are not a separate species, but is a term for humans or undead who have been trained in the use of magic. Every person has some innate magical potential, but how much varies; nearly all humans (or former humans) need training to be able to consciously tap into their power.

Patton, Emile and Deceit are all trained witches with different specialities. Patton and Emile, as professional witches, have formal qualifications to prove they have completed their apprenticeships to a satisfactory level; Deceit has been a witch since before such qualifications existed, but did complete a similar kind of training when he first learned magic. (The apprenticeship tradition of witchcraft dates back hundreds of years.)

There are also higher qualifications for witchcraft that are equivalent to Masters degrees and doctorates. Emile is currently writing his doctoral dissertation on the uses of aura-reading in a therapeutic context.

Fae, on the other hand, are born with magical abilities, which they master during childhood. However, fae magical powers are different from what a witch can do, and are primarily nature-based. They also have a natural talent for enchanting people.

In case it wasn’t clear: Roman, like all fae in this world, is human-sized and has butterfly-type wings on his back, albeit much less fragile than a butterfly’s would be. Finding clothing that fits can be a challenge.

Most fae live in a parallel universe (called “fairyland” in common parlance) and only infrequently travel to the human world, normally preferring nature and outdoor spaces. Fae are big fans of music, art and poetry and have a bad reputation for kidnapping humans they find pretty or who have artistic talent.

Most fae don’t feel beholden to mortal law as they can usually return to fairyland to escape justice, but the rare few who choose to integrate with human society (like Roman) have to obey it.

Fae age slowly, reaching young adulthood at around 150 years old. At this point they stop ageing physically, and they cannot die of old age. However they are still vulnerable to injury, particularly by silver and iron.

Fae are strictly herbivorous, and often eat flowers.

Vampire Lore

Vampires in this universe feed off of “life energy” with blood acting as a conduit. Fresh blood retains more life energy than old blood, and human has more than animal, synthetic blood substitutes (created by magic) barely have any.

A typical healthy vampire feeding schedule is one portion of animal blood daily, supplemented by live human feeds on a weekly-to-monthly basis.

Donors can safely feed a vampire once every 4-6 weeks (it takes less than a typical blood donation) but should be monitored for signs of anaemia. Because Patton is Virgil’s thrall, Virgil can draw on his life energy more efficiently and takes less blood to be satiated, so he can feed from Patton more often (every 3 weeks).

Fae and (most) other magical creatures can be donors too. However, their magical nature can interfere with the energy transfer, making them a less predictable food source. In an emergency, a vampire could feed off another vampire, but because the energy transfer is not 100% efficient there are diminishing returns for this.

Most vampire covens will develop a network of donors that they work with, normally 2-3 per vampire member. Some donors work exclusively with one vampire, others are happy to donate to whoever is in need in a coven.

Feeding normally feels very intimate for the vampire in question, so vamps are often picky about who they will feed from and are reluctant to risk losing a donor to another vampire. In the past, vampires getting “territorial” over donors has been the starting point of several major conflicts between covens.

There are also professional services that will let vampires hire a donor. However, these have a somewhat shady reputation for pushing people to donate more often than is healthy and skimping on disease screening.

Vampires can catch and spread bloodbourne diseases! This is an area Logan is researching (see below) but the need for costly screening is why most vamps feed primarily from animal blood and donors they know well. There are clinics which offer blood screening for live donors.

Beyond feeding: a vampire at full strength can heal almost any injury in a matter of minutes, although doing so will rapidly drain their energy reserves. Traditional vampire weaknesses (e.g. stake through the heart, sunlight) can weaken them, slow healing, or cause them to temporarily discorporate but will not kill them outright.

Vampires typically live in covens of around 5-8 members who share a territory and often (but not always) a living space. Newer members are more likely to live with the coven leader while they are learning, while older ones might move out to live independently or leave to live alone/start their own coven.

Vampire homes typically have numerous adaptations to protect them from sunlight during daytime hours - minimal windows, black-out curtains and shutters, etc. These technologies have allowed beds to overtake coffins as the preferred sleeping space. (Patton’s spare room, primarily used by Logan and Deceit, has blackout curtains and shutters installed before Virgil’s arrival.)

Vampires are naturally nocturnal, but as with humans, they may awake during daylight hours for a number of reasons. Human business hours are a source of some consternation; vampire-friendly shops, libraries etc. will offer opening hours in the early evening through to around midnight or 1am to allow for nocturnal customers.

For the same reason, many vampires are self-employed or work in professions where they can set their own hours. Many covens are wealthy enough that their members do not have to find work, although many vampires enjoy having some kind of occupation to fill their time.

A larger coven also typically has at least one human living with them to help with whatever tasks vampires cannot do (e.g. answering the door during the daytime). These are often donors, for convenience reasons, but the majority of donors won’t live with a coven. Seth is a human donor who splits his time between Logan & Deceit’s coven and his own place.

Vampires are considered to have a solemn responsibility to their fledges (vampires they have turned), acting as mentors and protectors as they adjust to their new lifestyle. Turning a vampire is considered a major committent and normally involves discussion with the whole coven; life-or-death situations are the main exception to this, but even in these cases it is considered generous to intervene, not a requirement.

Backstory

Logan was a haematologist before he was a vampire. He was a grad student studying bloodbourne illnesses and ways of screening donor blood more efficiently when he attracted the attention of Deceit.

Deceit, normally wearing his “acceptable-to-mortals” disguise (the unremarkable face he shows Virgil) is a prominent and wealthy coven leader who was considering making a donation to Logan’s university. He got intrigued by Logan and wound up offering to collaborate on a project with him.

By the end of the project the two had fallen for one another. They dated for a few years while Logan was still human, and then Deceit briefly did the “how can I curse him to share my horrible undead existence?” thing before Logan basically told him to hurry up and make with the eternal youth already.

Deceit was turned in the 1920s, although he often pretends to be much older. At around 120 years old he’s unusually young to be leading his own coven already, but is by all accounts very good at it. He has not yet told me how he got his scars.

Deceit was the first witch Patton ever got to know and by exposing him to the magical world this piqued his curiosity. He began dabbling with witchcraft, trained under Emile for part of his apprenticeship, and after they became good friends Patton asked if he could stay on at the shop after qualifying.

Patton and Roman met and fell in love several years ago while Roman was visiting the mortal world, and he decided to stay for Patton. Roman was already a musician/actor in the fae world and was delighted to learn that this could count as the pesky “job” mortals insist on him having.

Virgil’s parents were anti-undead bigots; he let himself be dragged along to protests etc. because he had been raised that way and didn’t really know better. The night he died, he was unwillingly at a protest outside a pro-vampire rights speech Deceit was making.

Virgil woke up alone in a hospital to learn that his family had already disinherited him. Deceit stopped by to offer him a place in the coven but he didn’t want to hear it; however, he barely had any savings and wound up on the streets almost immediately.

Because of how traumatised he was by his turning, Virgil never properly learned how often he needed to feed or what the danger signs were. He began skipping feeds due to a combination of lack of funds and his disgust at his own vampirism, leading to him becoming dangerously malnourished by the start of the fic.

The reason that Patton’s spell accidentally replicated the thrall binding ritual is because he used life magic on a vampire, an undead creature that inherently feeds on that energy. It worked a little too well at mimicking the effects of feeding and instead magically tied a part of Patton’s life essence to Virgil’s hunger-for-life-essence.

The thrall spell was “designed” to create well-controlled servants/donors for vampires (and would therefore be considered seriously illegal to perform intentionally, since there are laws about magically controlling people), but there are variants (mentioned in chapter 5) that are intended to be more like a soul bond/magical marriage. Virgil rejected these initially because they make the bond unbreakable (even if Patton became undead) but the couple might consider them in future.

Possible Future

I reserve the right to change my mind about any/all of this if I choose to write more in this AU (and the same goes for everything else here, actually).

Roman and Virgil start dating not too long after the final chapter.

Virgil completes his witch apprenticeship with flying colours. He has a particular affinity for divination and for drawing wards.

As predicted in the fic, Patton will eventually choose to become immortal in order to stay with his family for the rest of their lives. There are ways to do this using fae magic or witchcraft but both are risky; he is far more likely to ask Virgil to turn him into a vampire.

(If I write a follow-up fic, it will probably be about this.)

Patton and Virgil will eventually open up a witchcraft shop together! It definitely has a groan-worthy pun as a name but I haven’t worked out what yet.

Patton, Virgil and Roman initially have a three-way wedding in the fae tradition, since it isn’t legal for humans to marry multiple people. They have a human one too when that is eventually legalised.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Pluralistic: 11 Mar 2020 (Saturated fat and obesity, which foods produce satiety, spying VPNs, Twitter's research-friendly terms of service)

Today's links

Obesity and unsaturated fats: Blaming unsaturated fats for obesity is very plausible, but likely wrong, alas.

The satiety index: Which foods cause or satisfy cravings?

Sensor Tower's VPNs and adblockers spied on users: Like sneaking laxative into Immodium.

Twitter's new Terms of Service help academics: Good bots welcome.

Italy's "I Stay in the House" law: The comprehensive quarantine plan.

Scam-buster hacks into a scam-factory: He gets their CCTVs, recordings of their calls, transaction data, Whatsapp chats, and more. Delicious.

Postmortem: the catastrophic EU Copyright Directive. Testimony from yesterday's Senate hearing.

Podcast: A Lever Without a Fulcrum Is Just a Stick: My latest Locus column, on how copyright failed artists and enriched corporations.

This day in history: 2010, 2015, 2019

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

Obesity and unsaturated fats (permalink)

Scott Alexander does a very deep dive into the literature on diet, weight, and saturated vs unsaturated fats.

https://slatestarcodex.com/2020/03/10/for-then-against-high-saturated-fat-diets/

The most important elements for me were first, the validation that something really has changed: average US adult men's weight went from 155lbs to 195lbs from the 1800s to today. The 90th percentile 1800s man weighed 185lbs, today, it's 320lbs. US obesity rates in the 1800s were 1%. Today, they're 25%.

But the usual culprits can't explain the change: they ate more bread and potatoes in the 1800s, for one thing.

In China, obesity rates were very low even with a diet dominated by white rice.

1970s France had 1800s US obesity rates, on a diet of "baguettes, pastries, cheese, meat. Lots of sugar, white flour, and fat."

It's true that some tactics (intermittent fasting, low-carbing) work for some people, but they're not what worked in 1970s France or 1800s USA. So if those things work, they're "hacks" – not an indictment of carbs or eating three meals a day.

There's a widespread theory that the change is driven by the switch from saturated to unsaturated fats, which was driven by spiking heart disease in the 1950s. It's likely this heart disease epidemic can be attributed to the vast increase in smoking a couple decades earlier, but the tobacco industry's denial machine meant that the blame fell on diet, and the US (and then global) diet's fat composition shifted dramatically.

We ate a lot fewer animal-derived fats and a lot more plant-derived fats. These fats had lots more Omega 6s and (to a lesser extent) 3s, and the ratio of these Omegas also changed dramatically, both in our diet and in our bodily composition. Intriguingly, these play a significant role in metabolism. There's a plausible ring to this whole business – particularly as a way of crisping up what we mean when we say "avoid processed foods." What is "processing?" Maybe it's doing something that requires vegetable fats.

Unfortunately, neither the literature nor the lived experience of experimenters support the theory. Studies don't support it. Meta analyses don't support it. Reddit forums skew heavily to people saying it didn't work for them (dotted with people for whom it did).

Which makes weight gain a mystery. It can't be (just) exercise: we're exercising more now than we did 40 years ago, and we're heavier now. Studies about causes are inconclusive overall, but clear that weight gain is more explained by diet than exercise. What's more, we're seeing weight gain in lab rats, pets and feral animals, so exercise seems an unlikely culprit here.

Alexander ponders other possible causes: plastics or other contaminants in our diet, or that it's a "ratchet" (once your weight set point changes, it doesn't change back.). Both have little evidence to support them.

He concludes that he's "more confused than when I started it," but will avoid unsaturated fats where possible, with the exceptions of Omega-3 rich oils (fish/olive oil).

I am likewise confused, but also better-informed than I was before I read his post.

The satiety index (permalink)

I lost ~100lbs in 2002/3 with a low-carb diet. The thing I immediately noticed when I started eating (lots) more fat and (lots) less carbs was that I was always satiated, with none of the food cravings that had plagued me all my life.

No other diet since has had that effect. I really struggle with cravings (and have put 50lbs back on through my 40s, though some of that is muscle from a much higher level of exercise). For me, satiety is the barrier to sticking to any diet. I don't just get ravenous, I get these all-consuming cravings that I can't put out of my mind, even if I resist them (and the longer I resist, the more likely it is that I'll really blow it out when I give in at last).

So I was really interested in this 1995 open access study, "A Satiety Index of common foods," which offers a league table of the foods that made subjects feel full.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/15701207_A_Satiety_Index_of_common_foods

The meaty (heh) parts are in these charts on pp682-3.

Sensor Tower's VPNs and adblockers spied on users (permalink)

Sensor Tower, a company that made apps billed as privacy-protecting, installed man-in-the-middle certificates on your devices that let them spy on everything you did online.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/craigsilverman/vpn-and-ad-blocking-apps-sensor-tower

They made 20+ VPN apps for Android and Ios, but didn't disclose that all those apps were owned by analytics company, Sensor Tower. The apps had names like "Free and Unlimited VPN, Luna VPN, Mobile Data, and Adblock Focus."

The apps installed a "root certificate" in users' devices. With this cert, the company could insert itself in all the device's otherwise secure, encrypted sessions – web browsing, email, etc. Sensor Tower admits that they collected data using this cert, but insists that it was "anonymized," which is something most computer scientists agree is likely impossible for this kind of data. Re-identification of anonymized data is devilishly hard to avoid.

The claim is made even less credible when you listen to the company's other claims about its practices, such as the idea that they hid the authorship of their apps "for competitive reasons."

Or this howler: that "the vast majority of these apps listed are now defunct (inactive) and a few are in the process of sunsetting." Well, yes, they were removed for violating their users' privacy. It's not like the company had a change of heart or anything.

And then there's this: "Apple and Google restrict root certificate privileges due to the security risk to users. Sensor Tower's apps bypass the restrictions by prompting users to install a certificate through an external website after an app is downloaded."

Twitter's new Terms of Service help academics(permalink)

Twitter just published a new, and much-improved developer policy, one that permits academics to field bots for research and auditing purposes.

https://blog.twitter.com/developer/en_us/topics/community/2020/twitter_developer_policy_update.html

"Researchers will be able to share an unlimited number of Tweet IDs and/or User IDs, if they're doing so on behalf of an academic institution and for the sole purpose of non-commercial research, such as peer review."

https://techcrunch.com/2020/03/10/twitter-rewrites-developer-policy-to-better-support-academic-research-and-use-of-good-bots/

Twitter's also creating a bot registry that must include contact info for the botmaster, so that "it's easier for everyone on Twitter to know what's a bot – and what's not."

https://developer.twitter.com/en/developer-terms/policy#4-b

Italy's "I Stay in the House" law (permalink)

The FAQ for the Italian government's "I Stay In the House" decree is a fascinating document:

http://www.governo.it/it/articolo/decreto-iorestoacasa-domande-frequenti-sulle-misure-adottate-dal-governo/14278

Most notably, Italy has kicked out its tourists. As Bruce Sterling writes, "It's a tourist-ectomy. An Italy devoid of all tourists. It's fantastic, unheard-of. Surely this hasn't happened in at least 700 years."

https://www.wired.com/beyond-the-beyond/2020/03/stay-house-decree/

People are allowed to go to work, to shop, and to run errands, provided it is for an "essential purpose," which you must prove "by means of a self-declaration which can be made on pre-printed forms already supplied to the state and local police forces. The veracity of the self-declarations will be subject to subsequent checks and the non-veracity constitutes a crime."

Business travelers are permitted to enter and leave the country, cab, delivery and freight drivers are allowed to do their jobs, and "outdoor motor activity is allowed as long as not in a group."

Public offices are open. Training activities are suspended. Government offices need to provide hand santizer, but if they run out, they have to stay open ("disinfectant is a precautionary measure but itstemporary unavailability does not justify the closure of the office").

Bars, pubs and restaurants may open from 6AM to 6PM, but have to cancel live music, games and screening events. Theaters, cinemas and museums are closed.

Schools are closed. Universities are closed. Exams and graduations will be conducted by video-link. Med schools are not closed. Research institutions are not closed.

Masses and funerals are canceled. Islamic Friday prayers are canceled.

Farms are open.

Scam-buster hacks into a scam-factory (permalink)

Jim Browning is a talented and prolific scambaiter. He calls the numbers listed in pop-up tech support scams and has the scammers log into a specially prepared system that lets him trace them.

In his latest adventure, Browning thoroughly turns the tables on http://Faremart.com , a Delhi travel agency that was the front for a sprawling network of tech-support scammers taking in millions every year through fraud.

Browning not only traces the scammers: he breaks into their unsecured CCTV network so he can watch them work. He compromises their phone system and listens to the recordings of all their scam-sessions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le71yVPh4uk

He gets hold of their ledgers, which list how much money each scam nets for the gang. He doxes the scammers and learns their real names. He gets a confederate to fly a drone over their HQ and maps out their comings and going.

In part II, Browning treats us to a delightful scambaiting session in which he mercilessly trolls a scammer who claims to be in San Jose, CA, tripping him up in a series of ever-more-desperate lies.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV-qa9M-o4E

It's part of a growing genre of journalists who explore and document the operations of overseas scam operations. See, for example, Reply All's excellent podcasts on this:

https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/6nh3wk https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/76h5gl

There are two more parts to come in Browning's series (you can watch them now on his Patreon, apparently):

https://www.patreon.com/JimBrowning

He also turned his footage over to the BBC's flagship investigative programme, Panorama, which has produced its own doc based on it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rmvhwwiQAY

Postmortem: the catastrophic EU Copyright Directive (postmortem)

Yesterday, the Senate Subcommittee on Intellectual Property held hearings on "Copyright Law in Foreign Jurisdictions," at which two key copyright experts testified on last year's catastrophic EU Copyright Directive.

First up was Pam Samuelson, one of America's leading copyright experts, who explained in eye-watering detail how the compromises made to pass the Copyright Directive produced an incoherent mess that no one can figure out how to implement in law.

https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/Samuelson%20Testimony.pdf

Next was Julia Reda, who served in the EU Parliament during the passage of the directive and helped spearhead the opposition to it.

Her testimony really shows you where the bodies were buried: how the EU knew it was making a pig's ear out of things.

https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/Reda%20Testimony.pdf

Both are essential reading for anyone striving to understand Article 17 (formerly Article 13) – it is such a tangle of garbage lawmaking that these kinds of guides are indispensable.

Podcast: A Lever Without a Fulcrum Is Just a Stick (permalink)

I've just posted my latest podcast: a reading of my new Locus Magazine column, "A Lever Without a Fulcrum Is Just a Stick," on how copyright failed artists and enriched corporations and what we can do about it.

https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/11/a-lever-without-a-fulcrum-is-just-a-stick-2/

Tldr: Giving monopolies to artists doesn't help them gain leverage over the super-concentrated entertainment industry, because the corporations control access to audiences and force artists to sign away those monopolies to get past their gatekeeping.

The more monopolies we give artists, the more monopolies are transfered to corporations, and the more they dominate the market and thus the more they can retain from the earnings generated by the artists' works.

Fights like the EU Copyright Directive are a distraction, a fight over shifting some points from Big Tech's balance sheet to Big Content's – but without any mechanism to move more of that revenue to creators.

Enriching creators means thinking beyond more "monopoly"-style copyright: instead, we have to think about inalienable rights that can be taken away through one-sided contracts (like the "reversion right" that lets US artists take back copyrights after 35 years).

And we have to think beyond copyright itself, by beefing up competition laws to break up entertainment cartels, and by beefing up labor laws to let artists form unions.

There is a role for copyright, but in things like extended collective licensing that would allow all online platforms to access the same catalog and pay for it based on the number of users they have, so a new platform pays pennies while Youtube pays hundreds of millions.

These blanket licenses have been key to keeping other forums for artistic revenues open: think of what the world would be like if one club or radio station could buy the exclusive rights to play the hits of the day, and then use their ensuring dominance to squeeze artists.

If you prefer the written work, you can read the column here for yourself, of course:

https://locusmag.com/2020/03/cory-doctorow-a-lever-without-a-fulcrum-is-just-a-stick/

Here's a direct link to the MP3 of the reading (thanks as always to Internet Archive for hosting – they'll host you too, for free!):

https://archive.org/download/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_330/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_330_-_A_Lever_Without_a_Fulcrum_Is_Just_a_Stick.mp3

And here's the RSS for my podcast:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/doctorow_podcast

Now in its 14th year (Thanks to Mark Pesce for convincing me to start it)!

This day in history (permalink)

#10yrsago London Olympics: police powers to force spectators to remove non-sponsor items, enter houses, take posters http://uk.news.yahoo.com/22/20100303/tts-uk-olympics-london-ca02f96.html

#10yrsago Leaked documents: UK record industry wrote web-censorship amendment https://www.openrightsgroup.org/blog/2010/bpi-drafted-web-blocking

#5yrsago Piketty on the pointless cruelty of European austerity https://www.spiegel.de/international/europe/thomas-piketty-interview-about-the-european-financial-crisis-a-1022629.html

#5yrsago Rightscorp loses big on extortion racket https://torrentfreak.com/rightscorp-hemorrhages-cash-profit-from-piracy-remains-elusive-150311/

#5yrsago UK foreign secretary: stop talking about Snowden, let spies get on with it https://web.archive.org/web/20150315031642/http://www.theinquirer.net/inquirer/news/2399082/government-minister-is-bored-with-snowden-and-wants-to-get-on-with-surveillance

#1yrago Defect in car security system aids carjackers, thieves https://www.pentestpartners.com/security-blog/gone-in-six-seconds-exploiting-car-alarms/

#1yrago Former Archbishop of Canterbury cheers on students who are walking out to demand action on climate change https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/mar/10/rowan-williams-school-pupil-climate-protests

#1yrago Leaked Chinese database of 1.8 million women includes a field indicating whether they are "BreedReady" https://twitter.com/0xDUDE/status/1104482014202351616

#1yrago Why #Article13 inevitably requires filters https://www.communia-association.org/2019/03/05/final-x-ray-article-13-dangerous-legislative-wishful-thinking/

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Slate Star Codex (https://slatestarcodex.com/), Slashdot (https://slashdot.org), Fipi Lele, Matthew Rimmer (https://twitter.com/DrRimmer).

Hugo nominators! My story "Unauthorized Bread" is eligible in the Novella category and you can read it free on Ars Technica: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Upcoming appearances:

Museums and the Web: March 31-April 4 2020, Los Angeles. https://mw20.museweb.net/

Currently writing: I'm rewriting a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I'm also working on "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel afterwards.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: A Lever Without a Fulcrum Is Just a Stick https://archive.org/download/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_330/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_330_-_A_Lever_Without_a_Fulcrum_Is_Just_a_Stick.mp3

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020.

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a very special, s00per s33kr1t intro.

[stareiiez]

Mephistophelian Summer

Chapter 1.

𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕕 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥: 𝟚.𝟡𝕜

𝔸/ℕ: Hello, Hello! <3 Tonight at 1:11 am I bring you the first chapter of my horror au! There’s no horror going on right now, it’s just setting up the basis for the reason why and where the horror of this fic takes place. 

Warnings: Cursing and Foul words, that’s about it! 

𝑀𝑒𝑝𝘩𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑝𝘩𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑎𝑛: adj: showing the cunning or ingenuity or                                       wickedness typical of a devil; also see:                                                                  devilish; diabolic; diabolical; mephistophelean; evil.

The ticking of the bell that hit 11:30 am, it seemed the clock's noise rang in Tucker's mind louder than the students' chatter and laughter that rang in his classroom. His head was propped up on both of the palms of his hands as his dark brown eyes narrowed in on the white clock's face. It seemed like the large and small hand of the clock seemed to move slower than normal, just because it was prolonging the students of Vallahala High. Summer would begin right when the clock would strike noon, and the early release would grant sweet sweet freedom for the next three months of blissful vacation. Tucker couldn't help but grin at the plan that was forming in his head-on just how he would spend his summertime. Unlike most of his peers would get summer jobs to save up money, Tucker would be wasting his time with his group of friends doing everything and going anywhere he wanted without a care in his world.

A  smooth grin spread over his lips as his eyes got a little hazy from his daydreams. It wasn't until his summer daydreams were ruined by the vibrating phone in his jeans back pocket. The bright cellphone screen lit up with multiple messages from the group chat him and his friends had created a few years back. In this chat, conversations ranged from absolute chaotic mindnumbing interactions to the dissecting every little thing about their lives and beyond their home planet. Usually, Grif would insinuate these conversations when he would smoke two or three joints and spam the group chat with his otherworldly conversations.

His phone screen lit up from already ten or more messages from the said group chat. Without care, Tucker settled back into his seat and unlocked his phone. The teacher didn't care, it was the last day of school and they too might be counting down the minutes for summer vacation. Until next week when they would go back to teaching some poor sorry sap of students that didn't manage to pass both fall and spring semester with the best grades in the world. Thank god his future goal major wasn't education.

Fellow Delinquiants, and Dick and Carolina.

11:37 am Dickhead 1: So what's this about some big summer plans?

11:37 am David: Summer plans? I was applying for that summer job you know-

11:39 am Stoner McGee: Work? During freedom? You make me tired.

11: 39 am David: Well... Carolina is getting a summer job with me too-

11:40 am Tucker: BOOOOO you both suck ass

11: 40 am Tucker: Listen assholes, there's no work this summer; because we are going camping.

11:41 am Redhead: We are doing what?

11:43 am Tucker: Relax, I'll let you all in on my plan when we get out of this hellhole.

11:46 am Dick: The outdoors seems fun!

11:48 am Sis: Camping? Are you on crack Tucker?

11:49 am Donut: If we're camping I vote on bringing food!

Well, at least some people were on board with the idea. Before he could read any more group text messages Tucker slipped his phone back into his pocket and sighed contently. This summer was going to be the best thing to happen to him in a while. Ever since he concluded that he was for sure graduating next year, and a few of his friends had already planned their future that didn't seem to involve him, it was starting to sound shitty. Call him a pussy, or bully him but he had abandonment issues. He hated being alone or being left behind, that's why most of his time was at least spent with at least his group of friends or at least one of his friends. He needed to feel secure and safe, and by god did they make him feel like he had a second family. This summer was the last summer he could spend normally without the stress of college looming over his shoulder, or friends coming and going. He wanted to have fun and take charge of the rest of his youth before it was forever locked away in the state of some four-year hell of education so he can get a job.

Once the clock finally hit 12, Tucker had sprung up from his seat like something struck him. His backpack was slung over his right shoulder and he all but ran out of the classroom along with the other excited students. Papers were flung in the air, and screams and chatter filled the air. Notebooks were flung, textbooks were thrown in the trash and homework filled binders were torn apart. The papers scattered and fluttered through the air in a victorious motion. Tucker jogged through the halls, his body weaving through bodies and moving fluidly with the masses of people who were making their escape through the school's front doors.

The large wooden doors were flung open and the ruckus filled the open air, classmates ran all over. Some made their ways to their cars, some stuck around to say goodbye to their friends, or others sprinted into the aligned school buses that awaited to take them home for the last time in the school year. The bright sunny, noon air shined upon Tucker as he inhaled his first noseful of fresh air. 'Ah freedom, so that's what it smells like.'

A content sigh slipped past his lips while he leaned back against the school statue of its mascot. One large puma that has it's back arched and teeth bare. They just changed to the Pumas after some big back and forth argument in the school district of Blood Gulch High should accept and appreciate their mascot if it was a warthog. The school cringed as well as the student body when they first found out that their school teams were about to be known as the Blood Gulch Warthogs. They wanted to be feared and at least have some kind of ring to it, so the school board decided on naming Blood Gulch, The Blood Gulch Pumas. It was pretty stupid to argue over some type of animal that resembles their school if it was up to Tucker. This highschool reminded him of chihuahuas. All talk and not enough bite.

"Hey man." A male voice spoke up before Tucker could bask in his summer freedom for a little longer. The male tilted his head to greet the new presence, and couldn't help but grin.

David 'Washington.' stood before him. All dark brown hair, with the blonde dye that was accenting the tips of his spiky hair. The blonde dyed tips were part of a half tipsy dare at the beginning of the junior year and Carolina had managed to do a decent job in dying his hair correctly. Wash, at first nearly died at the sight of his new hair. Then slowly for a week he slowly accepted the blonde accenting the dark brown of his natural hair color. Even his parents thought it looked nice and even joked that he should go full blonde, something that Wash had somewhat considered but never went through with it yet. He casually slipped the second strap of his backpack over his left shoulder, and his large palms grasped the two straps contently.

"Where's the rest of the guys?" Tucker asked once he reciprocated his greeting to one of his best friends.

"Carolina is dragging Church here since I'm sure Allison is trying to shove her tongue down his throat by now. Grif is going to drive his little sister home and then meet up with us with Simmons, Donut, and Frank."

"Why exclude Sis? She's always the life of the party." Tucker frowned.

A small scoff as a shy grin slipped over David's lips, "Please? Her? She's that and a whole ass hurricane."

"Exactly why she's invited with us to these summer plans of mine." Tucker grinned, a little more cooly than needed.

"Right, what kind of plans are we-"

"Hey! I said I'm going goddamnit!" Another voice cut in, this one pitched up higher in distress as a few grunts left his lips.

Both males tore their attention away from each other to watch a fiery redheaded girl grab a dark-haired male by the back of his shirt towards the two. The dark-haired male's arms were flailing about as he fought to keep up with the long-legged strides that the redheaded female took to meet the two boys.

"I can walk on my own, you know?! You're embarrassing me." The male hissed as the female finally unhanded him, her long pale arms crossed over her chest as her nose lifted slightly in the air with a huff.

"Really? Seems like you couldn't walk straight after you seemed to be having your soul sucked out of you by the blonde bitch." The girl growled back, anger set in her bright green eyes.

"Told you," Wash whispered to Tucker, making the other snort with amusement. It was cut short when the green-eyed gaze was sliced over to the two instead, silencing any ore commentary about her little brother.

"Just because you're only 30 minutes older than me, does not mean you can just drag me anywhere." The dark-haired male huffed more, he stood up straight and fixed the black-framed glasses on his nose. His duller green eyes were narrowed in a glare at his sibling.

"Church always glad to see you," Tucker commented, his eyes swept over the pasty-skinned male. A shit-eating smile took over his features as he caught the smear of dark red covering his entire mouth and one place on his neck. 'My man.' Tucker thought slimly.

"Hey, Leonard you got a little.." Wash spoke up, his finger pointing to his mouth. A small blush adorned his freckle splattered cheekbones and nose, his eyes quickly averting when realization dawned on the other's face.

The smear of the lipstick only colored the redhead's face in a little more irritation than necessary. The tension hung over the four heads, and with Carolina nearly on verge of bringing all hell loose to her little brother and his girlfriend. Wash cleared his throat and shot Tucker a look, one that had Tucker shoving his hand in his back pocket and fishing his car keys out

“Let's get some lunch fuckers." He said, returning Wash's look, and lead the three to his car.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Slim's Pickens, a dinner that has better food than its cursed name, had the best food in probably the whole town. The radio station lulled in the background of the diner. Chatter, silverware clinking against plates was comforting in a way, this one diner had the aura of 'Welcome Home.' and that was one of the reasons why it was the group's favorite spot to hang out at. Tucker had his feet propped up on the chair next to him as he scrolled on his phone, his eyes scouring through a few text messages he sent to Grif. He had been pestering and frankly pissing off his friend, to get the rest of his friend group to the diner. He was too impatient to lay down his big summer plan. With a groan, Tucker shut his phone screen off and tossed his head back over the chair's back.

"What is it with you today? You're so jumpy and you practically shoved us into your car." Wash commented, his gaze was on Tucker for a while now. He was watching the impatience grow more and more on Tucker's features, and it only made him snort in amusement.

"You nearly hit seven cars on your way here, and nearly ran through two red lights," Carolina added, her head was propped up on her hand and a single eyebrow rose in judgment.

"You will know when the other idiots are here." Tucker huffed, his eyes roamed over to Carolina. The once pissed off look on her face from her little brother was far gone, thanks to her practically forcing him to clean off the marks and lipstick stains Tex had left on his face.

"Well if you're going to play the waiting game, I am going to order something to eat." Carolina hummed, before picking up the menu and leaned over the table to David. Their chatter over what sounded better to eat, or certain prices.

20 minutes later, a clean Church, and plates of fries and other items of food that was placed before the four; Grif, Sister, Simmons, Donut, and Frank Dufrense had joined them. Finally.

"Alright, asshole tell me why you nearly made me get in a car crash from all your stupid texts," Grif said as he plopped down in the chair in front of Tucker. He didn't hesitate to steal a curly fry from Wash's plate and shove it in his mouth. His dark eyebrow rose as he chewed.

Tucker frowned before answering. "I already figured out what we are going to do this summer."

"If you're bringing up that camping trip-"

"Yes I am bringing it up, come on! It'll be so fucking great. Us, a private lake, privacy, alcohol. All the works!"

"Woo! Par-tay! Let's get it!" Sis cheered, her hands flinging up in the air as an excited grin split across her lips. Her eyes sparkled at the thought of getting shit-faced and puking her guts out in the crystal clear lake; then go skinny dipping in the waters at the dead of night.

"Oh no, the hell you aren't! No parties! You're three years younger and so underage." Grif bit out, his gaze fixed on his sibling that was sitting at the far end of the table right in front of Carolina. His voice ruining the enthusiastic expression on Sister's face.

"You're not my mom! Don't tell me what to do!"

"I'll kick your ass like our mom, I'll break my lazy rule of not doing shit just for you."

"Where exactly are we going to go do this if we agree?" Simmons pipped up from beside Grif.

"A place I always camped at with my Dad during the summer. It's called Tahoe Wood but I call it paradise."

"Tahoe Wood? You mean as in that endless fucking woods that most people get lost in Tahoe Wood?" Church commented, his voice sounding not too pleased in the slightest.

"You have me as a guide, come on I know that place like the back of my hand." Tucker scoffed.

"I am just brimming with confidence that nothing shitty will happen to us."

"Hey! Fuck you man!"

"Tucker, how long are we going to stay there?" Frank "Doc" cut in before Tucker or Church could further curse each other out in the diner.

It's happened at least once or twice, and each time the two were escorted outside by the waiters and left outside to cool off. They were allowed back inside once they at least said sorry to each other. They were treated like little kids for being in high school, but it came from a place of fondness. The employees all came to know the friend group well since they used the diner to hang out and eat almost once or twice every week.

"One week tops, think of it as a 'fuck you school' getaway." Tucker shrugged, his eyes watched as Grif stole a few more fries from Wash's plate. How the dyed blonde male didn't scold the other from stealing his food away more than once was a shock. "When are you and Carolina getting those summer jobs?" Tucker asked Wash.

"Sometime in the second week of June." Wash glanced at Carolina for confirmation.

"Since it is the last week of May, let's do this shit! Come on! Start the summer with a fucking bang!" Tucker pleaded, the palms of his hands smacking the table in the emphasis of his words. Plates clanged and silverware rattled from the vibrations, the noise drew several eyes of customers that were contently eating to glance over at the group.

"If we agree to this stupid trip will you shut up?" Church hissed, his eyes darting to the customers in the diner then back to Tucker. His pale green eyes were sharp and slightly cold as a wave of annoyance washed over his features.

Only when Church was pissed, annoyed, or just slightly miffed he looked like Carolina. He was the spitting image of their father, just like Carolina was a spitting image of their mother. Except Carolina had dyed her naturally blonde hair a fire engine red when she turned 16 and kept it red from since then on.

"Yes," Tucker said, rather smugly.

"Then yes! Now shut up."

"Hey! You don't speak for the rest of us. Camping sounds boring, and tiring work." Grif complained.

"Grif, shut up! I'm not going to hear Tucker complain for another hour about this trip. You go, or my sister is kicking your ass to Tahoe Wood and back!" Church hissed under his breath.

Well at least Tucker was satisfied, he would simply grin to himself as Grif bickered with Church. The two were bent over Carolina and Simmons that were sitting next to them. Donut and "Doc" were frankly content on conversating and adding in friendly banter to the swelling argument between the two males. It didn't help that both Grif and Church would yell at Donut or Doc to 'shut up and butt the fuck out' before going back to their argument.

This is going to be the best vacation ever.

[nicolebehariewce]

KELLEE TERRELL: What about being in the Black Mirror universe appealed to you?

NICOLE BEHARIE: First, I just really like genre and sci-fi and imagining the world, the future. That, and Black Mirror is one of my favorite television shows and one of the only ones I look forward to. It's also nice to see people of color on-screen and [Charlie Brooker, the show's creator] has done a good job of creating a diverse world in their universe.

Also, a year ago, they wanted me for a part for a different episode, and I wasn't available. So this time around when they called, without even reading the script, I was like, "I am not going to miss the opportunity. I'm in!"

KT: I read that "Striking Vipers" was shot in Brazil. If that's true, Nicole that's like a free vacation and a paycheck.

NB: Listen. When I first read the script, I felt like the story and my character were pretty domestic, so I was sure we were going to shoot in Atlanta or Los Angeles. Then they told me we would be shooting in Brazil and I was like, "What! Come again?" And with all the different architecture and the beautiful, lush outdoors and how that world was constructed, it was so beautiful. Plus, it was like a free vacation, and it was amazing. 

KT: This episode is such an intense exploration of sexuality, marriage, and technology. What did you take away from it?

NB: The themes were spot-on and on time, especially for Pride Month. As a culture, we are currently going through a period that is more approving [of the LGBTQ community], and more of us realize there are a lot of different ways of loving, living and choosing your life.

As a woman who grew up in the South and was raised in West Indian culture, there are things that "were not allowed." Luckily, throughout my career, I have been able to explore some of that, just like in the film Shame with sex addiction and now [with "Striking Vipers"]. And as an actress, I am always interested in how women exist in these different spaces and how they confront and deal with the expectations placed on them.

KT: Theo is juggling a lot. Being a good wife, a good mother, and wanting to get pregnant again, but still wanting to be sexy, seen and content.

NB: Exactly. I feel like in the very beginning of the episode, Theo had ownership of her body and her sexuality then fast forward to her speech where they are sitting at the table at the restaurant, and she says that other shit [that is opposite of how she used to be]. Now she is raising a family and, in her mind, things are different. Her body is different. And this is real. Often women are living that life and also trying to be fulfilled and wanting to be able to be honest in their walk. 

KT: Let's also talk about the intersections between black masculinity, male friendship, and sexual desire. Because let me tell you, when Karl told Danny he'd virtually slept with a polar bear and it wasn't as good as it was with him, Black Twitter was shook.

NB: Yes! I love how this explores black male masculinity and all of that unsaid things that people whisper about and don't say out loud because they are afraid. And I don't even think Charlie Brooker and the other folks behind it were even aware of that particular conversation when casting us.And when I look back at the scene with [Anthony and Yahya] kissing and that was all about these two brothas' trying to figure it out — and figure it out together. In the end, that's what everyone is trying to do — black, white, trans, whatever — somehow figure out how we fit into this world being ourselves.

KT: Let's also talk about that ending! While Danny is getting his yearly dalliance on with Karl, Theo is also getting hers at the bar. I thought it was empowering and even feminist that she isn't just sitting at home letting him have all the fun.

NB: Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it.

KT: Really? Do tell.

NB: I mean, I think it's cool that there is some type of balance, but it's also kind of sad. I don't know. Why can't Danny play online with Theo instead? But as an actress, there are times when we play parts we don't necessarily agree with, but that's the beauty of this work.

KT: Throughout your career, you have been in so many things, but genre looks really good on you, especially with Sleepy Hollow and now Black Mirror. Why is it so important for more black women to be portrayed in sci-fi and horror?

NB: Whether it's Black Panther or Get Out, I think it important to expand what the world looks like and for us to have the power of letting our minds fly in these different universes. It's also important for actors to have these breaths of experiences in their craft. Super early on in my career, I had a conversation with someone about my skill level, and they were telling me what I needed to work on in order to be in these types of projects. And my response was that it's not that I don't have the ability to do this, I just don't have the same opportunities to do it. But things are changing, slowly, and it's an exciting thing to see.

But even in genre, black women can get stuck cast as the strong and long-suffering archetype. I would love to see the neurotic, quirky black woman because to me, genre is about trying new things, not staying in the box and I hope we can keep building that out, because I'm here for it.

KT: Your fans really missed you and Sleepy Hollow's Abbie Mills, so when the trailer for Black Mirror first came out, people were beyond excited to see you back on television.

NB: Wait, really? Is that true? I took a social media fast from January to March, so I'm so out of the loop.

KT: I swear. I wouldn't play with your emotions like that. [Laughs] Every three months, folks on Twitter want to know where you've been and when you're coming back.

NB: Wow. That's so awesome to hear. I mean, I knew I have fans and that I was missed, I guess I just didn't know it was to this extent. Maybe I'm just too reclusive and shy. It's funny. There was this Iconoclasts interview between Dr. Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle where he asked her about how she handles criticism and admiration, and she said something to effect of, "I don't pick it up and I don't lay it down." I try to do the same, because I still have work to do and I don't want that to change. I don't want me to change, you know? But I am so grateful to be seen and just know that I see y'all who have been there with me and with Abbie. I appreciate you and feel this love. So while I might not be on Twitter all the time, I am reaching out and connecting with you all through the work. We got some metaphysical shit happening between us. 

KT: Finally, what's next for you?

NB: I don't think I can talk about it yet, but I have some really cool things cooking that I am excited about. Some of it will be familiar, and then there will be things that some people are going to be like, "OMG, Nicole is really going in!" So you will just have to stay tuned. [x]

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine Advent Challenge - “Dependable” (Rated PG)

Summary: The one where Kurt is a DoorDash driver, trying to earn money for college, when he ends up making an early morning delivery to a special customer. (2576 words)

Notes: Written for the @klaineadvent Challenge 2018 prompts 'festival' and 'incident'. Also, the title and the summary suck, but it's been a long couple of weeks.

Read on AO3.

“Mr. … Mr. Anderson? Blaine Anderson?” Kurt tiptoes cautiously through the dark quad, bright red delivery bag looped over his shoulder announcing his presence from a mile away. Everything in his body screams, “Turn around and run!”, that this is a practical joke at best or at worst – a trap. But the bizarre sense of obligation that comes from both having something that doesn’t belong to you (in this case, a jumbo Jack combo) and a job he doesn’t want to lose keeps him pressing onward, even if he might be walking head on into danger. During his time as a DoorDash delivery driver, he has had a few people pull pranks on him - send him to either an abandoned house, a tree in an empty field, even all the way to Columbus to deliver seventeen pizzas to some underground BDSM and leather festival. That one he didn’t mind so much. The people there accepted his gift of free pizza (since he gets to keep the food if the order is undeliverable), invited him to hang out with them for a while, and showered him with tips.

All in all, not the worst experience in the world.

He doesn’t understand why people pull pranks like that other than they suck. They pay for it in the end – literally. They pay for the food and they can’t get their money back. They’ve basically spent their hard earned cash to waste his time, give him a paycheck and a free meal. How is that a satisfying joke by any stretch of the imagination?

He’s never had anyone prey on him before. He knows it’s a possibility. He’s heard of it happening to other drivers, mostly women - lured out to the middle of nowhere and attacked. But it’s never happened to him.

This delivery might actually be the case.

He looks down at his phone, the only thing he has lighting his way, and checks the address one more time. Lima High School, outdoor quad/lunch area (under construction). Kurt reads that last part and swallows hard. How did he miss that? Under construction? What the heck does that mean?

Kurt looks up and squints into the black, eyes trying to readjust from the bright white screen to pitch black surroundings. A few hard blinks later and he sees it – a sizable portion of the cement in front of the doors that lead to the cafeteria have been torn up. Yellow caution tape wrapped around orange safety cones surround it, warning anyone who comes near not to accidentally walk into it … the way he was about to. Kurt looks left and right, eyes and ears straining for any trace of the customer who supposedly ordered dinner and wanted it delivered here.

“Mr. Anderson? It’s DoorDash. I have your food. Can you tell me where you are, please?” Kurt had tried calling the man, but it went straight to voicemail. Still, Kurt chooses to remain optimistic. There’s a dozen reasons he can think of why someone would place a one a.m. order for Jack in the Box to be delivered to Lima High School. There’s construction being done. Maybe it’s a construction worker. Or the janitor. Or someone from the drama department working late on sets for the spring musical.

A skeptical voice interrupts his positivity to remind him that this is a high school campus. Therefore this has the potential to not only take a turn for the worse, but end up splattered all over YouTube, too.

That thought has him back stepping, ready to turn around and bolt, declare this delivery a bust and give the whole cholesterol laden meal to his stepbrother Finn when he hears a soft whimper. A voice calls out, of all things, his name.

“K-Kurt?”

The fear vibrating in that voice makes Kurt’s blood go cold. He turns toward it, expecting to see some short, shivering, Gollum-like creature standing behind him, but there’s no one. “Mr. Anderson?”

“Kurt?” A hollow knock follows. “Is that you, Kurt?”

Kurt’s entire body turns to stone, wondering how the mysterious voice knows his name. But then he remembers – the app tells the customer who’s delivering his food.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Kurt walks carefully around the cement patio, trying to pinpoint the voice’s hiding place. “Are you Blaine Anderson?”

“Yes! I---I’m Blaine Anderson! Are you alone?”

That question glues Kurt to the ground. Why would Blaine need to know that he’s alone? Can’t he see him?

What did he plan on doing to him?

“Yes, I am … for now. My stepbrother’s waiting for me in the car,” Kurt lies. “He’s a big guy. A football player. And he’ll come running in a moment’s notice if something happens to me!”

“I’m not going to do anything to you! I promise! I need your help because I’m … I’m stuck!”

“Stuck?” Kurt turns on his flashlight app and starts swinging the beam around, searching for any place a human being could get stuck. It strikes him that Blaine may have fallen into that hole, and he hurries over to investigate. He sees darkness, some pipe, and a lot of rubble, but no person. “Stuck where?”

A mumbled sentence answers Kurt’s question.

“Sorry,” Kurt says. “I didn’t catch that. Where are you?”

Blaine sighs. It’s so heavy and defeated, Kurt can hear it as clear as if Blaine were standing beside him. “I’m in the porta potty.”

“Porta potty, porta potty …” Kurt doesn’t recall seeing one when he walked in, and they’re pretty difficult to miss. He turns a full circle, swinging his light around high and low, and spots it in the corner – a tall, blue portable toilet, identical to the ones they have scattered around the McKinley sports fields, but this one has several benches pushed up against the door. And in the slot for a padlock, the handle of a fork has been slid in to keep it closed.

“Oh my God!” Kurt runs up to it, gives the door a knock, and hears a startled yelp reply. “Blaine? Are you in there?”

“Yeah, I am!” Blaine sounds relieved. “Please, get me out!”

“I will! I will! Give me a minute!” Kurt springs into action while flashbacks of a particularly horrible incident involving one of his friends getting locked in a porta potty hops to mind, not to mention his own experience getting locked in a dumpster. It was on spaghetti Tuesday, and ruined one of his favorite Alexander McQueen sweaters. “One second and I’ll have you out!”

“Okay.”

Kurt puts down his bag and starts shoving benches aside. They’re not heavy, just awkward, stacked in such a way that the metal supports lock together, making it difficult for him to maneuver without pinching his fingers. And since he had to put his phone in his pocket to free up his hands, he’s doing this completely in the dark.

This is definitely more nightmare fuel than he needs in one night.

With the benches gone, he slides the fork out of the lock. Before he can do anything else, the door flies open, nearly smacking him in the face, and a boy about his age stumbles out. He bends over double, sucking in air so quickly, Kurt thinks he’s about to pass out. Or puke. Kurt wouldn’t blame him. The stench that wafts from the narrow stall hits Kurt’s olfactories like a hammer, and he retches. He can’t picture having to live with that for longer than a few seconds.

Kurt pulls out his phone to check if Blaine has any injuries. He looks the boy over from a short distance, searching for black eyes or a fat lip. But aside from having been locked in a porta potty for who knows how long, he appears unharmed.

Blaine’s knees wobble. He weaves to his right, unable to stand upright yet, finds one of the moved benches and takes a seat. “T-thank you. You have no idea how stuffy it is in there.”

“I can imagine.” Kurt picks up the DoorDash bag with the boy’s meal inside and holds it protectively in front of him. This could still be a prank, Kurt reminds himself, peeking stealthily around as Blaine struggles to compose himself. “But, if you don’t mind me asking - you were locked in a porta potty. Why did you order DoorDash? Why didn’t you call your parents? Or the police?”

Blaine takes a few deep breaths, then lifts his head, sadly looking Kurt in the face. Kurt smiles sympathetically at what he sees. The boy looks pale, as if he’s recovering from a flu he’s had for at least a week, his bottom lip quivering, his forehead covered in sweat. The top few buttons of his shirt are undone, and his sleeves rolled up to his biceps. The mop of curls on the top of his head hang damp and limp, as if he ran his fingers through them obsessively. His eyes, shining in the light from Kurt’s flashlight app, translate clearly from their hazel depths how exhausted he feels. He definitely looks like a boy who’s been locked in a small, humid box for a few hours, stressed beyond belief, trying to find a way out.

But he’s also a handsome young man, someone Kurt would definitely notice walking down the halls of school if they both went to McKinley.

“I was on low battery,” Blaine explains. “My parents are away for the weekend. My brother would be no help. He’d make fun of me, then tease me worse when I got home. And I’ve tried the police before. They think it’s a practical joke. They don’t even send anyone to check it out.”

A lump rises to Kurt’s throat when he hears that. Apparently this has happened before then. And no one’s done anything about it yet? No one?

“My dad used to joke that if my life was ever in danger, call for pizza, not the police, because most pizza places guarantee they’ll be at your house in 30 minutes or less. So, I kind of went with that and took the chance you’d actually show. I wrote: ‘Help me! I’m locked in a porta potty!’ in the special instructions box. Didn’t you see it?”

“Sorry. No. The only note on your order was please bring extra Chick-fil-a sauce. I couldn’t, by the way. They’re not open right now.”

“You know, I keep trying to erase that, and it never works. I don’t even order from Chick-fil-a anymore. Stupid app. No offense.”

“None taken. I feel the same way.”

Blaine sighs, resting his head in his hands. An awkward silence grows, and Kurt can’t think of anything to do, any way to make this better. And he wishes he could. He really does. If they were at McKinley, he’d take Blaine to see Mr. Schue. Will Schuester has spent much of his teaching career championing his students’ causes. He’d definitely help Blaine.

But here at Lima High, Kurt knows no one. McKinley High and Lima High are in the same district. They compete against each other, go to each other’s rallies and what not. Maybe Mr. Schue could still help.

But not right now. Not at one a.m. For lack of anything better to do, Kurt unzips his bag and takes out Blaine’s food. “Well, uh …. here’s your order.”

“Thanks.” Blaine reaches out a trembling hand and takes his food. He puts the bag in his lap, hugging it like a security blanket.

“No problem.” Now what? Kurt thinks. This is generally the point where he races back to his car and hopes for another order, but he can’t leave Blaine here in the dark with his meal. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I mean … this happens all the time. Jerk hole jocks. No offense to your stepbrother.”

“None taken. He used to be a jerk hole himself.”

“I’m an easy target. I’m the only out gay kid at this school, and I …”

“… constantly get picked on?” Kurt finishes, taking a seat beside Blaine. “Thrown in dumpsters, shoved into lockers, that kind of thing?”

Blaine turns to look at Kurt. “Yeah. How do you know?”

“It happens to me a lot at my high school, too. For the same reason.”

“Oh.” Blaine’s eyes open wide when he gets it, but he sits up straighter. “Oh, I’m sorry. What school?”

“McKinley.”

“Ah. Land of the Slushie Facials.”

“So you’ve heard of it?”

“Ironically, I did everything in the world to avoid going there. But Lima High’s not much better. Minus the slushies.”

“You’re lucky. They’re a special kind of hell.”

“I bet.”

Kurt looks down at his phone with the red and white app screen still visible. He has yet to mark this order delivered, and he should. He should get going. He’s already considered late (unavoidable since he had to search the campus to find Blaine in the first place), and he really should get as much work as he can in before he has to be home. He’s saving up for college. His dream school – NYADA. But the thought of bidding Blaine adieu doesn’t sit well with him. He needs to know that Blaine is going to be okay, that he’s safe, and that his brother isn’t going to give him too much grief for what happened tonight.

Blaine doesn’t have anyone reliable in his corner if the person he put his faith in was a food delivery driver.

If they went to the same school, they’d have one another.

Kurt wonders if that’s a possibility …

He swipes his finger across the screen. Instead of waiting for another order, he marks this one delivered, and signs off. He has months to save up for school. As important as NYADA is to him, he has a feeling that there’s something more important he needs to do here.

Be there for Blaine.

“Do you have a way to get home?” Kurt asks.

“I … yeah. My car should be in the parking lot. Only it’s a far parking lot, and I’m a little bit afraid of walking out there by myself … in the dark. I just don’t know if they’re waiting for me. I don’t think they would stick around here on a Friday night, but …”

“Gotcha. Well, Blaine Anderson, if you would, please do me the honor of letting me escort you to your car. Then maybe you and I can go somewhere and talk? Get a coffee? Compare battle scars? I’ve got a doozy on the back of my calf where I cut it on a trash can.”

“Hey, I think I have one of those, too.” Blaine waits for Kurt to stand, then clumsily follows, putting a hand to his hip when it complains about moving. “I wish my phone hadn’t died. Then we’d have two flashlights to light our way. What happens if we get ambushed? Do you think your stepbrother can help us?”

“I … uh … kind of lied about him being here. Sorry about that. But don’t worry.” Kurt reaches into his DoorDash bag and pulls out an industrial-sized bottle of pepper spray wrapped in a black leather holder with a silver spike on the bottom – courtesy of the kind members of the Lace and Leather Sadomasochists Club of Greater Columbus. He unlocks it and gives it a good shake. “I’ve got us covered.”

[stylinsonlibrary]

FASHION AU FIC REC: fics where Louis, Harry, or both are involved in the fashion industry in some capacity.

Just For Me (9k) Harry is a supermodel with a fake boyfriend. Louis is the captain and star forward of Manchester United with a fake girlfriend. They should have no problem having a completely platonic lunch between friends.

(They do.)

i'm stuck to your shoe, let's run (9k) Louis hates his job and Harry really lives up to his last name. (or, Louis sells men’s shoes, Harry is a rather famous fashion blogger, and they’re brought together by a gaudy pair of boots.)

Just Walk My Way (10k) Louis is a Victoria's Secret Angel, and Harry is the main act of the night.

Paper Houses (11k) “Who is that?” He hisses.

Zayn holds up a hand to stop Louis from speaking any further.

The voice on the other end of the phone continues. “Then, he saw a photo of him on Insta with his little sister and brother, and he was so gone, dude. He basically demanded that I find Louis for him! And he’s never demanded anything from me ever !”

“Pshhhh, Louis’ been jerking off to Harry for years--”

Louis dives from his place on the couch to sprawl across Zayn’s desk, snatching the phone up. There are loud noises coming from the other end of the phone as Louis shouts into it. “Who is this? Zayn has no idea what he’s talking about--”

Someone on the other end has begun shouting into the phone at the same time. “I never demanded anything--” When model Louis Tomlinson admits to having a celebrity crush on a very famous actor in an article in GQ magazine, he has no idea it will lead to anything. He definitely never suspects he will fall so hard and so fast for Harry Styles. When reality begins to interfere, their relationship is put to the test.

Tease (12k) AU. Louis Tomlinson, actor and movie star, is wildly in love with his boyfriend, supermodel Harry Styles. Their relationship is lovely and unlike any Louis has ever had before, which makes the surprise of Harry's newest interest that much more intriguing.

If You Ever Want To Be In Love (12k) Louis is a model. Harry is an up-and-coming singer/songwriter. They haven't seen each other in nearly two years.

You're Either In Or You're Out (12k) Louis' tone is maybe a bit harsher than necessary, but he still stinging from the suggestion that he was staring at Harry. Sure, the way his legs are encased in those skinny jeans is mildly intriguing. But Louis is here to be the next Top Designer, and he'll be damned if he lets a pretty boy with a sinful mouth get in the way of his dream. Especially if that sinful mouth is spewing phrases like bohemian pantsuit. Honestly.

Or the one where Louis tries out for Project Runway, Harry is his stupidly gorgeous competitor, Liam is Tim Gunn, Zayn is the supermodel host, and Niall is the guest judge who knows nothing about fashion.

Overwhelming (13k) He groans and squints at the feet of whoever he’s bumped into. All he sees is a worn pair of tan boots that lead up into a pair of long, long legs. He sits up, sighing, and rubs at his eyes; there’s a hand in front of his face so he grabs it and allows this stranger to help him up.

He blinks once, twice, and can’t believe his bad fucking luck, because of course he slammed his entire body into a pretty stranger. Not only that but—he smells the air once to confirm his suspicions—a pretty, sweet-smelling, alpha stranger. Fantastic.

Pretty stranger opens his mouth. “I didn’t concuss you, did I?”

Louis is an omega attending university to get his degree and most definitely not waste his time with unimportant things such as finding a mate. Harry is the alpha who manages to unwittingly mess up that plan.

More Than Anything (13k) Being able to see through the eyes of your soulmate may seem like a dream come true to many, but reality proves a little more complicated. For two young boys it's all they could ever wish for but as time passes by they come to realise that there's no pain quite the same as longing to have someone who just isn’t there.

Put It All On Me (15k) "Yeah, yeah, give it to me, that's it, spread your legs a bit, there you go."

The camera follows Louis as he does. Maybe if the modelling thing doesn't work out, he could try the porn industry. Then again, he's a bit too stocky to be twinky and a bit too twinky to be anything else. He likes that about himself, though. Well, directors and photographers like that about him. He could pull off pretty and edgy, could do GQ in the morning and a perfume commercial in the afternoon. Right now he thinks he could pull off anything, because it's Harry fucking Styles directing him.

Or, a Top Model AU where Louis is accidentally there to make friends, not become Britain's Next Top Model. (Also Zayn is the supermodel host.)

Found My Missing Piece (16k) “@harrystyles followed you.”

“@harrystyles liked your tweet.”

“What?” He whispers in astonishment, because there’s no way. But he clicks on Harry’s profile and sure enough, the little grey “follows you” appears by his name. After taking a second to just stare at the screen, he quickly takes a screenshot and sends it to his sister. Lottie is one of the few people who would understand his shock. Niall would certainly just make fun of him for it.  

Louis and Harry are both fashion bloggers. Louis' been following Harry for years. Harry and his blog really gave him the confidence and the push to make his own. His sister and best friend have been making fun of his silly little crush on him ever since. But that's all it is, a silly, harmless crush because there is no way Harry knows who he is. Or does he?

swimming in a champagne sea (16k) Louis is a supermodel. Harry is a celebrity photographer known for capturing the brightest up and comers in their most candid moments. They meet at London’s most exclusive New Year’s Eve party.

An alpha/alpha fic filled with confusion, banter, Ubers, and glitter

Make a Dime Go One Hundred (17k) “Hey, Haz,” he says, encouraged in equal parts by the weed and the cocoon they seem to have created around themselves. “Do you think you could trust anyone enough to have full control over you?” he asks into the night, hoping his sentence won’t break their bubble. It doesn’t, if the way Harry’s eyes meet his is any indication.

“What do you mean?” Harry’s voice is barely above a whisper, rough from the singing they had done earlier. Louis wants to keep this memory forever.

“You know, if someone wanted to, uhm,” he coughs, “to tie you up, or blindfold you.”

Friends to Lovers AU: Harry volunteers to help Louis experiment with bondage. Things don’t go exactly to plan.

If You Wanna Try Me On (18k) To be fair, Harry’d been half asleep when Niall convinced him to put in his CV in the first place. Like, Harry wants to be a proper serious journalist--he’s not about to give up that dream in favour of becoming a personal assistant at a fashion magazine, or...whatever. Harry’s not actually all that sure what Tomlinson Styles even is, beyond his ticket to fame or any of the other things Niall’d spouted off at him, but when he shows up for the interview and is unceremoniously shoved into an office with the Tomlinson part of that equation, all Harry can really think about is that he would like to be a Tomlinson-Styles.

...or the Devil Wears Prada AU that no one wanted. Sort of.

Life At Shutter Speed (20k) AU. Having landed a job modelling for an outdoor clothing catalogue, Harry certainly wouldn’t mind doing some extracurricular work for photographer Louis Tomlinson. Say, a private photo session? Yes, please? Good thing that Harry has ten days and three beautiful locations -- Morocco, Indonesia and the Swiss Alps -- to make Louis see just how good they could be.

Three French Hems (20k) In which Louis is a designer at Burberry and Harry spends December wearing Lanvin… and Lanvin… and Lanvin.

you think fashion is your friend, my friend (fashion is danger) (27k) "Louis has one rule, and one rule only, that he simply refuses to break. He forbids himself to be attracted to anyone he might work with. No wanking to models who might wear his clothes! It’s hardly fair, considering he spends 95% of his time working with the most attractive men on the planet, but his career is more important. Besides, in Louis’ experience, it always leads to disaster. Harry Styles makes respecting the rule really damn hard though and Louis is not quite sure why."

the one where Louis is a famous British designer and Harry is the clumsy, most likely straight model that makes his heart race.

sweet, where you lay (27k) Louis Tomlinson is a twenty-eight year old successful actor living in New York. Harry Styles is a twenty year old up and coming model and coincidentally also the one who turns Louis’ world completely upside down.

or, Louis is Zachary Quinto and Harry is Miles McMillan. Falling in love was always in the cards for them.

But Why Wonder, Why Wonder? (30k) The one where Marcel Styles has improbably landed a job in the fashion industry, and Louis Tomlinson is the actor-turned-lingerie-designer he’s been infatuated with for years.

These Constant Stars (31k) Louis’ career has nowhere to go but up. He’s living at the height of New York City on the precipice of an epic promotion. Life is good and only getting better. And then one day, things turn disastrous.

This is a story about life, death, and punk rockers turned guardian angels.

Promises We Made (35k) Its been five years since Harry and Louis broke up; they were seventeen and nineteen and it was messy to say the least. Cue Louis, who is worked off his feet making clothes for celebrities, Harry dropping his debut album, Niall who likes to avoid his insecurities by dragging Louis on Holiday, Zayn and Perrie as Louis' right hand stylists, and Liam who wishes Harry would just tell him about his ex-boyfriends before he contacts them about working for him.

Its either going to be a disaster, or the perfect timing they've all been waiting for.

football/designer (series; 2 works; 39k) Louis Tomlinson is an English fashion designer. Harry Styles is an American football player. 

everywhere (i wanna be with you) (42k) Harry and Louis meet because they have terrible friends, they fall in love because something feels right in a world of uncertainty and shifting grounds. Louis is an actor and Harry is a model at the top of his game, the best things in life are the most unexpected ones and the things that hit you when you are least expecting it.

Featuring winter in London, nights in Paris, early mornings in New York, burning heat in Monte Carlo and an enduring love spent transcending four corners of the globe.

to kill the mess we've made (43k) And when he's finally standing, Liam fussing over him, rubbing his hand at the red mark blooming on Harry's forehead, does Harry learn two things:

One, he wasn't actually hit that hard, and Tommo--or Louis, rather--is just as pretty when Harry is staring at him head-on and,

Two, Louis is the Adidas model he's going to be working with on today's photo shoot.

(or: AU where Harry and Louis are both models, and they decide being friends-with-benefits is a great idea. It isn't.)

Why Can't It Be Like That (63k) Louis Tomlinson, head of his local hospital's charity fund, suddenly finds himself in the heart of the Royal family when his mother marries the third son of the reigning monarch. Such an upset in lifestyle brings a lot of changes for Louis, one of them being the need for a stylist.

Enter Harry Styles, a cutting edge fashion stylist who loves his job and prides himself on his passion. The first time he sees Louis Tomlinson on the cover of a tabloid he wants to dress him, style him, make him as beautiful as Harry knows he could be. When he's hired to do just that, he knows this will be a perfect partnership. That is, until he actually meets the man.

A fashion AU with a royal twist, where Louis doesn't need a stylist, Harry's thrilled to have a real life Barbie doll, and they're both very wrong about each other.

In This Light (99k) Harry is a wardrobe stylist who likes to live in the moment, and Louis is a popstar who looks dreamy in double breasted jackets. Harry never stood a chance.

dusted in gold (series; 2 works; 100k) Harry’s an A-list supermodel, Louis’s his make-up artist boyfriend. They’re something of a dream team.

Dress you up in my love (103k) Harry is single, and more than anything wants to find love. Agreeing to sign up to a dating website was a bad, bad idea. Niall's bad, bad idea. Louis is single, but has no interest in relationships. Or so he tells himself. 

Harry is a lawyer whose boss, Nick, happens to give him a bonus, which he decides to splurge on a new work wardrobe. Louis is a frustrated designer, working as a personal shopper at Selfridges. Louis happens to be working on the day a very beautiful, but out of his depth, new customer ambles into their department in need of advice. Louis might have just found the muse he never knew he was looking for.

Featuring: Sophia as Louis' colleague, with a somewhat unhealthy obsession with his love life, whilst being oblivious when it comes to her own. Liam as the ‘IT bloke from downstairs’ with the mother of all crushes on Sophia. Niall as Harry's sport's writer flatmate who spends most of his time making Harry's life as complicated as possible. Zayn as Louis’ flatmate and lifelong best friend, whose cat, Noodle/Princess/Princess Noodle loves Louis more than it loves him. And Nick as Harry's boss and one of Louis' regular customers: is Imelda Marcos reborn.

In Vogue (121k) 'Is that why David Beckham has been featured multiple times on the pages of your life's work? Does your criteria seriously consist of one thing – a man's ass?'

'Well the ass is a man's best asset,' Harry smirks, holding the Martini glass high up his face. 'And don't call the magazine my life's work. There are far more important things in life, Louis Tomlinson, than what's printed on the pages of a magazine.'

Fashion AU. Louis is the editor in chief of Vogue magazine, and Harry's running British GQ. Featuring Zayn as the crazy creative director and Louis' confidant, Liam as the sports writer that gets to sit front row at fashion week and DJ Neil as the only sane person in the whole story. 

Let's Fall in Love in a Place You Want to Stay (134k) A George of the Jungle / Tarzan AU where Louis is a model who meets Wild Man Harry in the Congo. He was raised by apes and barely speaks a word of English and turns Louis' life upside down.

Have Faith In Me (183k) As the son of Anne Styles, millionaire owner of one of the world's most luxurious fashion labels, Harry has spent his last seventeen years living in carefree extravagance. And now he's grown tired of it, along with the pressure from his mum to follow in her footsteps and the constant care given to him by her past assistants.

When his mum's newest assistant, Louis, moves into the guesthouse, Harry determines to be treated differently. To be treated like an adult. Except Louis is not at all what Harry was expecting...

This is a story about growing up, growing in love and having the faith to make it last.

Fading (202k) Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is. [Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder]

[drlaurynlax]

The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction (Adrenal Fatigue)

The HPA Axis Dysfunction or Adrenal Fatigue

HPA Axis Dysfunction or adrenal fatigue is real…don’t believe me? Read on for yourself to find out how it can happen to anyone, and the #1 cause behind it all. 

I’ve been quiet in social media world the past several months and, to be honest, it’s been a rough stretch to say the least. In short: “Adrenal fatigue” or HPA Axis Dysfunction is real, and if you’ve ever experienced an extreme bout of stress, you’ll know what I mean. Here’s a little personal story, and the science and research to prove it. 

Stress = The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction

In fact, stress alone is the #1 driver of HPA Axis Dysfunction—the primary attributed cause of practically every known ailment plaguing our society today—from diabetes, to cancer, autoimmune disease, anxiety and beyond.

Contrary to popular belief, stress goes far beyond just mental stress alone.

Physical stress is often times even more detrimental, as it more easily goes unseen, including: imbalances in the basic human needs (such as lack of sleep, dehydration, poor nutrient density, sedentary or overtraining lifestyles), to gut dysfunction (SIBO, leaky gut, IBS), circadian rhythm dysfunction, inflammation, and light exposure (blue screens, light at night, etc.).

In fact, you can be sitting on a beach in Tahiti with a margarita in hand, seemingly no care in the world, but your body STILL be under a significant amount of stress, such as: fighting leaky gut and acne, experiencing shortness of breath from overwork in your daily lifestyle and lack of sleep, and hormone imbalances from overtraining in the gym and under-eating fat and protein.

Regardless of what type of stress you face (physical or mental), our bodies can only take so much stress. While stress is inevitable (impossible to avoid in modern day), if you go over your individualized threshold of stress or experience a significant amount of stress in a short amount of time, your body may back fire.

Enter: “Adrenal Fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction.”

My HPA Axis Dysfunction Story

It all began in March of 2018.

Actually, rephrase that: It all began about 3 years ago, in 2015—the beginnings of my business and life as an entrepreneur.

Eager to “save the world” with my business aspirations in the health and wellness field, I went to work on the front lines, doing things like:

My Job (“Saving the World”)

Therapy:

Providing counseling and therapy services to individuals with emotional baggage to get rid of;

Nutrition:

Offering support plans and nutritional guidance for individuals seeking health improvements;

Functional Medicine:

Knocking conventional medicine on its head with functional medicine—providing tools, resources, protocols and procedures for helping people truly heal, not just manage their disease:

—You know, just “saving the world” (or trying to).

Along with these pursuits, a sneak peek into my life as an entrepreneur looked something like this for a couple years:

HPA Axis Dysfunction Begins: (Stressful) Life of an Entrepreneur (Beginning Fall of 2015)

6 a.m. Rise & Shine. Wakeup to my alarm across the room (despite wanting to go back to sleep after 5 hours of sleep)

Brushing my teeth, swigging a protein shake, and rushing to get ready for the day to make it to the gym by 6:30 a.m. or 7

7-8:30 a.m. Workout. Hitting a workout in the gym first thing to get energized for the day

8:30 a.m. Breakfast: Another protein shake, greens, coconut butter and 1/2 a banana on my way to my office

9 a.m.-2 p.m. Work It Start the work day, seeing new clients and writing or creating my next online project or book.

2 p.m.-3:30 p.m. Workout #2. Hit the gym again for a break in the middle of the work day to burn off energy and clear my head.

3:30 p.m. Lunch. Chicken, avocado, greens, beets.

4 pm-7:30 p.m. Work It. Back to the grind.

7:30 or 8 p.m. Group Meeting. Mixing, mingling and talking more about business.

9:30 p.m. Workout. Force myself to hit the gym again after a long afternoon of sitting to work out pent up energy for 40-60 minutes.

10:30 p.m. Dinner. Dinner at home: Turkey burger patty, sweet potato, coconut butter, greens sautéed in ghee.

11 p.m.-1 a.m. Work. Finish my work for the day (e-mails, admin, etc.).

1 or 1:30 a.m. Bed. Hit the sack and sleep like a rock for about 5 hours.

Wakeup and do it all over again! 

But Stress is “Normal” Right?…

Can you relate?

Or do you know anyone who is an entrepreneur, or in school, or loves what they do, or who is super stressed over their work or life—and keeps a similar schedule? (Burning a candle at ALL ends).

Face it: Stress and “running on a hamster wheel” is normal, and if you are NOT doing it, then you better watch out because (gasp) you may fall behind.

Although I thought I was made of “steel”—immune of stress wreaking havoc on my health—my body had other plans in mind.

Before I realized it, various (silent) health issues began to arise including:

Health Issues Arise (2016-2017)

IBS

SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth)

Unwanted weight loss (losing about 10 pounds over the course of about 3 years due to malabsorption and gut issues)

Bloating after eating

Chronic constipation

Shortness of breath if I slept less than 5 hours multiple days in a row

Gym performance decline (loss of strength, endurance, gains in the gym)

Hormone imbalances (losing my period)

However, despite all these “new” symptoms, I was completely checked out from my body—laser focused on checking off to-do lists, getting further ahead in business and growing a company.

In addition to not feeling on “top of my A-game,” other things in my life began to shift too, such as:

Lifestyle Imbalance (2016-2017)

Isolation from friendships (in place of work)

Working on weekends and evenings instead of spending time with people or taking breaks

Lack of interests and activities outside of work

Disconnection from my “source”—time spent in Word, prayer

Disconnection from the great outdoors (staying inside most of the days)

Over-screen exposure (upwards of 10-12 hours per day in front of a computer)

Loss of “who I am” or what I like to do (outside work)

Running towards a goal with no end in sight

To say the least, I became more like a robot, and less like “Lauryn”—the well rounded individual I am in my core.

I could talk and write all day about living a health lifestyle, and I knew WHAT to do, but when it came to my own health and life, there wasn’t time to do all the things I preached about!

As a busy entrepreneur, trying to save the world, who had time to do things like sleep 7-8 hours, or mix up my workouts, or eat a variety of nutrient dense foods, or make time for hobbies and passions and relationships?!

This schedule and pace continued for a good 3 years before my body really began to speak—letting me know that something was up.

Getting Out of Balance: SIBO, Leaky Gut, IBS & Beyond (September 2017)

Come September 2017, I was hit with a severe case of SIBO—Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth—in which my body, under high amounts of physical and mental stress, developed a gut condition where unhealthy bacteria overpopulated my small intestine.

The result?

Rapid weight loss and IBS.

Although I have struggled with “gut stuff” (constipation and IBS) most of my life, things really kicked up.

Seemingly overnight, I went from just feeling bloated after most meals to having to run to the bathroom after most meals with loose watery stools, or the opposite, waking up super constipated—unable to go at all.

This conundrum continued for a good 4 months before I decided to dig deeper and consider what else may be going on under the hood.

Thanks to my functional medicine background and training program at the time, we were actually learning about SIBO at the same time, and come to find out, SIBO is exactly what I had—triggering unwanted weight loss, malabsorption, bloating, constipation, tummy cramps, and the inability to tolerate most FODMAP foods.

At the turn of the New Year (January 2018), I was treating SIBO at home with a strict supplement protocol, courtesy of my functional medicine training, and by the end of February, I was feeling much better on the gut front—except about 10 pounds lighter than I’d want to be.

“What’s wrong with Lauryn?” I could sense others saying with their eyes, and it appeared I was “back” into my eating disorder that I had struggled with from ages 10-24.

I could hardly look in the mirror myself, and sitting at barely 100 pounds (on a “good day”), for my 5’4’’ frame, I felt it—felt weaker, and more discouraged, despite being more at peace with eating, feeding my body well and even giving up cardio in place of more muscle building workouts.

However, despite my efforts to gain weight—it wasn’t happening. Eating approximately 2400 calories each day wasn’t doing it. “Carbing up” wasn’t doing it. Working out a little bit less wasn’t doing it.

By March 2018, I found myself in a Gastrointestinal Doctor’s office to try to “get to the bottom” of things to see what—if anything—in my gut was still keeping me from putting on some weight that I wanted, and the conventional medicine “rabbit hole” began.”

The Plot Thickens: The Triggering Event (My Colonoscopy) (March 2018)

To start, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my intestines to start, finding a presentation of a “Megacolon” and “Autoimmune bowel,” and advising we do a colonoscopy to do some deeper digging to see what, if any, autoimmune diseases were present as well as any blockage or structural issues preventing me from absorbing nutrients and restoring bowel function.

In addition, I had a full blood panel done and hormone panel, and the results revealed:

Iron Overload

Low Thyroid Function

Low Vitamin D

SUPER High Cortisol

Low Sex Hormones (practically NO testosterone, estrogen, progesterone)

By the end of March, “C-Day” (“colonoscopy day”) arrived (and so did countless health side effects from this invasive procedure).

Colonscopies: More Harm Than Good

Colonoscopies have become one of the most prescribed outpatient procedures in America with more than 15-million performed each year (1) (CDC, 2016), and are only growing in prevalence.

While only about 50% of adults, ages 50-75, who “should have” colonoscopies comply with recommended guidelines, in 2018, the National Colorectal Cancer Roundtable (a group of public and private organizations) aims to raise the percentage of people screened for colorectal cancer to 80%.

And although colonoscopies are thought to be “necessary” for detecting “gut issues”—particularly colon cancer—they actually may be more detrimental than good.

In fact, according to Dr. Mercola and Dr. Michael Greger, about 1 in every 350 colonoscopies end up doing serious harm. 

I am a case study example.

Colonoscopy: Little Known Side Effects

Common (little known) side effects from this invasive bacteria with a scope include:

Perforation (puncturing) of the intestines (Gatto et al, 2003) (2)

Dysbiosis (imbalanced gut bacteria) (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Infection with another person’s gut bacteria

Eradication of healthy gut bacteria from prep (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Electrolyte, bacteria and blood sugar imbalances (from the “prep diet” and extreme cleansing that is mandated) (Shobar et al, 2016) (4) (Mai et al, 2006) (5)

The result?

A gut microbiome that is “worse” off then prior to the colonoscopy.

Given that our gut bacteria and our gut itself is the “gateway” to health, if our gut bacteria gets off (or even MORE off), then you can bet your bottom dollar, other body systems get “off” by “imbalanced.”

Healthy gut bacteria or unhealthy gut bacteria determine whether the following body mechanisms are healthy or unhealthy, including:

Gut Bacteria Govern Our Health

Immune function (disease, skin) (Oregon State University, 2013) (6) (Nanjundappa et al, 2017) (7)

Digestion (Lawrence, 2017) (8) (Kim et al, 2012) (9)

Heart/cardiac function (Tang et al, 2017) (10)

Weight and metabolism (Filip et al, 2018) (11)

Blood sugar regulation (Kumamoto University, 2018) (12)

Brain health (anxiety (Hoban et al, 2017) (13), depression (Clapp, 2017) (14) and memory (Lund University, 2017) (15)

Adrenal health (i.e. “HPA-Axis” affecting hormones, cortisol and thyroid) (Konturek et al, 2011) (16) (Cryan et al, 2011) (17)

Exercise progress (or plateaus) (Clarke et al, 2014) (18)

Headaches (Gonzalez et al, 2016) (19)

Attention/ADHD/ADD (Carmen et al, 2017) (20)

Cancer (Fellows et al, 2018) (21)

A better option than colonoscopies?

Stool testing—Addressing gut bacteria and gut health itself—prior to looking for structural issues with a scope. (Bullman et al, 2017) (21)

Since gut bacteria, gut infections, parasites and bacterial imbalances determine whether you get cancer, IBS or autoimmune disease in the first place, comprehensive stool analysis, like this one by Doctors Data or this one by GI Map, can be tremendously helpful in assessing “underlying issues.” Additionally, organic acids testing, SIBO breath testing and even a new blood test (Tsai et al, 2018) can give you more information as well.

(This is something a GI doc won’t typically tell you).

Me: Post Colonoscopy (April-May 2018)

My colonoscopy was the “straw” that broke the camel’s back —accumulating the past 3 years of stress in one fatal swoop on “C-Day” (colonoscopy day).

The “prep diet” was too much for my already-weakened body to handle (i.e. clear liquid fasting). Couple NOT eating all day with a full bottle of Miralax laxative powder, laxative tablets and all afternoon on the toilet, and by midnight that night, I was “far gone.”

Walking up the stairs to go to bed, I blacked out—passing out on the floor, and eliminating more bowels.

It took me about a minute to come to, as I don’t remember what happened, and strewn on the floor, my body started convulsing and trembling, my teeth chattering, and all I remember is asking my mom for a banana—some potassium.

Ten minutes later, the ambulance was there, and I was hooked up to IV fluids, EKG monitor and  a blood pressure cuff on my way to Dell Seton Medical.

“Electrolyte imbalance,” the ER doc diagnosed, and by 4 a.m., my mom and I were back out the door to prepare for my 5 a.m. colonoscopy arrival time.

I went through with the procedure, but little did I realize the “health issues” were not over, as my body spent the next 5-6 weeks trying to recover from the stressful event, inclusive to:

2 more ER visits (for “electrolyte imbalances” and hypoglycemia)

3 urgent care visits for more fluids and blood work

A GI Doctor office that would not return my phone calls post-procedure

A severe acute allergic reaction to a cat that moved in with a new roommate

Blood sugar highs and crashes

And more than a handful of diagnoses, speculations and prescriptions from docs trying to figure out what was going on, including: Asthma, Type I Diabetes, obstructed respiratory system, low sodium, iron overload, and…adrenal insufficiency (aka: “adrenal fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”). 

Adrenal Insufficiency (aka: HPA Axis Dysfunction)

Adrenal insufficiency (aka adrenal fatigue—or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”)  IS real, and although our bodies are resilient to handle stress, if TOO MUCH stress happens at once, or a SUPER STRESSFUL event sets you over the edge, then HPA Axis Dysfunction is a byproduct.

The result?

Complete body imbalance. 

The news was really no new news to me. It was more like an “A ha!” moment.

A ha! This is EXACTLY what I had been experiencing all along, I thought.

I could talk about adrenal insufficiency or HPA Axis Dysfunction ALL DAY LONG. I could write about it and educate others about it.

However, when it came to looking at myself in the mirror and facing the facts that I had NOT been taking myself…easier said than done. (It is like the nail salon technician that paints everyone else’s nails—but their own).

Flat on my back, in a hospital bed in the ER after an emergency trip due to a 3 a.m. hypoglycemic blood crash after a friend’s wedding in Dallas was the wakeup call I needed.

For the past two years, (ever since my symptoms of SIBO, gut dysfunction and other health maladies had begun), my prayers had been:

“Lord, be Lord over my body,” 

“Lord, bring the manna and balance to my life,” and,

“God, help restore my body to health and help me put on healthy weight.”

Be careful what you pray for.

Never in a million years did I think that my “answer” to my prayer would be in the form of a blood sugar crash, but it was the wake up call I needed.

It was as if God was saying: “Lauryn, you DON’T have to save the world…I have already done enough.” And, “Instead of trying to bring glory to yourself, bring glory to me. Live out the gifts I’ve created and let me provide the rest.”

Mic drop.

I spent the rest of the weekend, praying, thinking and broken. I didn’t want to go back to my hamster wheel ways.

And you know what…I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. And whatever plates you are spinning or race you are running too…You don’t have to either.

How HPA Axis Dysfunction Happens

So…how did my body get SO out of whack in the first place?! How does HPA Axis Dysfunction REALLY happen?

In functional medicine, there is typically a “triggering event” that sets the body “over the edge” for HPA Axis Dysfunction and distress.

In my case: the colonoscopy (on top of the past 3 years of stress) resulted in disrupted gut bacteria, along with my side effects:

My Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

“Diabetes,” hypothyroidism

Unwanted weight loss and inability to gain weight

Suppressed immune function

Autoimmune disease

Feeling “wired and tired”

Shortness of breath

Hormone imbalances

Apathy about my work

IBS

Poor workout performance

Electrolyte imbalances

Melancholy mood

  …And, to say the least, an entrepreneur who was anything BUT her healthiest, most vibrant, kick-ass self.   

Other Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

For others, “adrenal fatigue” or HPA-Axis Dysfunction may present as one or several of the following:

Inability to lose weight

Mood swings

Fatigue

Anxiety or Depression

Autoimmune conditions

Food intolerances

Insomnia

Needing coffee or sugar to function

Headaches

High blood pressure

Low or high heart rate

Feeling dizzy when standing up

Inability to concentrate/focus or memory loss

Lyme disease

Catching colds, flus or illnesses easily

Not “feeling like yourself”

Skin breakouts or acne

Feeling burned out or unable to do your usual basic “to dos”

Inability to tolerate exercise like you once did

Random allergies you’ve never had before

  How does adrenal fatigue happen to one person but not another? What separates “adrenal fatigue,” or HPA Axis Dysfunction from regular stress?

Check out this blog to find out ALL about adrenal fatigue and HPA Axis Dysfunction, how to find out if you have it and how you (and I) can heal.

Resources

1. CDC. 2016. Colorectal Cancer Screening Capacity in the United States

2. Nicolle M. Gatto, Harold Frucht, Vijaya Sundararajan, Judith S. Jacobson, Victor R. Grann, Alfred I. Neugut; Risk of Perforation After Colonoscopy and Sigmoidoscopy: A Population-Based Study, JNCI: Journal of the National Cancer Institute, Volume 95, Issue 3, 5 February 2003, Pages 230–236,

3. Lorenzo et al. 2016. Persisting changes of intestinal microbiota after bowel lavage and colonoscopy

4. Shobar et al. 2016. The Effects of Bowel Preparation on Microbiota-Related Metrics Differ in Health and in Inflammatory Bowel Disease and for the Mucosal and Luminal Microbiota Compartments.

5. Mai, V., Greenwald, B., Glenn Morris, J., Raufman, J., & Stine, O. C. (2006). Effect of bowel preparation and colonoscopy on post‐procedure intestinal microbiota composition. Gut, 55(12), 1822–1823.

6. Immune: Oregon State University. (2013, September 16). Gut microbes closely linked to proper immune function, other health issues. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018

7. Immune: Nanjundappa et al, 2017. A Gut Microbial Mimic that Hijacks Diabetogenic Autoreactivity to Suppress Colitis.

8. Digestion: Lawrence, K., & Hyde, J. (2017). Microbiome restoration diet improves digestion, cognition and physical and emotional wellbeing. PLoS ONE, 12(6), e0179017.

9. Digestion: Gene Kim, Fnu Deepinder, Walter Morales, Laura Hwang, Stacy Weitsman, Christopher Chang, Robert Gunsalus, Mark Pimentel. Methanobrevibacter smithii Is the Predominant Methanogen in Patients with Constipation-Predominant IBS and Methane on Breath. Digestive Diseases and Sciences, 2012; DOI: 10.1007/s10620-012-2197-1

10. Heart: Tang et al, 2017. Gut Microbiota in Cardiovascular Health and Disease

11. Weight: Filip Ottosson, Louise Brunkwall, Ulrika Ericson, Peter M Nilsson, Peter Almgren, Céline Fernandez, Olle Melander, Marju Orho-Melander. Connection between BMI related plasma metabolite profile and gut microbiota. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 01 February 2018 DOI: 10.1210/jc.2017-02114/4834036

12. Blood Sugar: Kumamoto University. (2018, April 10). How intestinal bacteria can affect your blood sugar and lipid levels. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180410100937.htm

13. Anxiety: Alan E. Hoban, Roman M. Stilling, Gerard M. Moloney, Rachel D. Moloney, Fergus Shanahan, Timothy G. Dinan, John F. Cryan, Gerard Clarke. Microbial regulation of microRNA expression in the amygdala and prefrontal cortex. Microbiome, 2017; 5 (1) DOI: 10.1186/s40168-017-0321-3

14. Depression: Clapp, M., Aurora, N., Herrera, L., Bhatia, M., Wilen, E., & Wakefield, S. (2017). Gut microbiota’s effect on mental health: The gut-brain axis. Clinics and Practice, 7(4), 987.

15. Memory: Lund University. (2017, February 10). Gut bacteria may play a role in Alzheimer’s disease. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from

16. Adrenal Health: Konturek, P. C., Brzozowski, T., & Konturek, S. J. (2011). Stress and the gut: pathophysiology, clinical consequences, diagnostic approach and treatment options. Journal of physiology and pharmacology : an official journal of the Polish Physiological Society, 6, 591–599

17. Adrenal Health: Cryan, J. F., & O’Mahony, S. M. (2011). The microbiome-gut-brain axis: From bowel to behavior. Neurogastroenterology & Motility, 23(3), 187–192. doi:10.1111/j.1365–2982.2010.01664.x

18. Exercise: Clarke, S. F., Murphy, E. F., O’sullivan, O., Lucey, A. J., Humphreys, M., Hogan, A., . . . Cotter, P. D. (2014). Exercise and associated dietary extremes impact on gut microbial diversity. Gut, 63(12), 1913–1920.

19, Headaches: Antonio Gonzalez, Embriette Hyde, Naseer Sangwan, Jack A. Gilbert, Erik Viirre, Rob Knight. Migraines Are Correlated with Higher Levels of Nitrate-, Nitrite-, and Nitric Oxide-Reducing Oral Microbes in the American Gut Project Cohort. mSystems Oct 2016, 1 (5) e00105-16; DOI: 10.1128/mSystems.00105-16

20, Attention: Carmen Cenit, María & Campillo Nuevo, Isabel & codoñer-franch, Pilar & G. Dinan, Timothy & Sanz, Yolanda. (2017). Gut microbiota and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: new perspectives for a challenging condition. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. 26. 10.1007/s00787-017-0969-z.

21. Cancer: Fellows et al. 2018. Microbiota derived short chain fatty acids promote histone crotonylation in the colon through histone deacetylases. Nature.  9(105). doi:10.1038/s41467-017-02651-5.

Tsai et al. 2018. Prospective clinical study of circulating tumor cells for colorectal cancer screening. Journal of Clinical Oncology. 36, no. 4_suppl. 556-556… DOI: 10.1200/JCO.2018.36.4_suppl.556.

22. 6. Bullman et al. 2017. Analysis of Fusobacterium persistence and antibiotic response in colorectal cancer. DOI: 10.1126/science.aal5240

The post The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction (Adrenal Fatigue) appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/hormones-metabolism/the-1-cause-of-hpa-axis-dysfunction-adrenal-fatigue/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

[aboynameddash]

9/15/21

I don’t think there was ever an “aha!” moment where I finally got over my ex. In particular, I think I just got really busy and forgot about it. Omar? I drowned him out with Austin. Austin? I moved to SD. But this one is different. I’m tired of running. Something tells me it’s time to settle down and eat my mistakes instead of running. Something tells me I need to practice what I preach and stop going against the grain.  But you know what, it really can be worse. I could be trapped in that 225 21st Ave house again with people like Jesse, Sherry and Austin. Yeah, I mean...I legit was trapped there and my only escape were my sunset walks and it just got so.lonely. Like it really was so lonely that I tried to make myself believe that the sad boy was put into my life for a reason. When in reality, push came the shove. I lost my job, moved out of there and cut ties with him. It was really fucking hard, Jennifer. You had a pile of cash but you were left with nothing and it was so hard to see where life laid out after. And you know what? you got through it. You pushed through dispite how dark things got. Despite how easy it was to believe your life was over. And there was SO many reasons to give up. And now things got better. Even though it’s been a year and it feels like it’s been a mad century. You never gave up.  I couldn’t. I dont know what made me push forward, but I guess the fact that i said “fuck it” everyday, accepted that I was going to live like a mess for a little bit and be ok with it, made me ride out my wave. But that’s the thing - there’s SO much growing to do. I thought I just went through a transformative growing stage last year and not even a year later, I hit another point where I need to do even more growing. Like what the fuck. Literally a year after my lay off. But here I am. In an apartment with my dog sitting at a cafe trying to stop myself from spiralling into another depression. Maybe it’s just today...maybe it’s just this week. Maybe it’s my hormonal imbalance this week....I don’t know. I just know I can’t stop overthinking, sleeping and going in and out of spurts of eating and then not eating. Hey, maybe it’s the lack of alcohol that’s left my system as of two weeks ago. All I know is...I’m back in that slump I felt when I first came down here again. You know, when I was in the mancave not knowing what the fuck I was doing. But the beauty of all that is, I know it passed before I knew it. Not even a month later I made plans with friends at a new place I was living at and as weird as it sounds, I miss that point of my life. I missed the time I spent living in that squatter house... the times I had to beach almost everyday with the girls I’m no longer friends with and then checking out farmers markets. I don’t know...it just feels so comfortable and safe...even though what I have now is so much more stable. But what came after that was what I thought was the best relationship of my life (didn’t turn out that way) but what I’m trying to say is, the few months after that were beautiful months and I believe I can regain that. Maybe it’s another lover. Maybe it’s me being fine with being by myself again. Maybe it’s regaining a new social circle or maybe it’s just getting settled in my two jobs...because let’s be completely real, that takes some time also.  It’s not that bad right now. I work M-F and I work a mindless serving job that allows me to look cute while collecting money...that’s not bad at all. It’s me recollecting my life and it’s me getting back out there to regain some sort of self esteem back, and taking BACK San Diego - and it’s true.  I think one thing that really bothered me was hearing that Craig and I weren’t dating for a very long time. And though time may be true, I think both of us knew that it was something beyond time - me dating him. One of the first things he told me other than how refreshing it was that he didn’t have to be anyone else but himself around me... was that he knew I was the one because he felt so comfortable around me on the second date...as if he knew me before. And yo, I felt the same. Maybe it’s the extrovert in me that brings the introvert out of its shell, but no matter what, time didn’t matter because it just made sense, him and I. And for those who haven’t experienced it can’t say for themselves. We accomplished things that people take forever to accomplish as a couple. And though I dont think I’ll ever find out what his breaking point was, the answer I tell myself is that he has his own inner work to do with himself before he can come into a relationship and build something that lasts. How do you expect a great relationship to florish if you don’t have the drive, capacity and discipline to stay in it and work on it? It’s not a reflection of how I was in the relationship no matter how much he tries to tell himself that. It’s a reflection of him and his life and his commitment to things.  I’m ready. I’m ready for something real and stable. I’m all in to commit and fully  embrace responsibility. wade out the hard times, face my fears to find light at the end of the tunnel. 

I’ve been a creep staring at this one house while I walk dasher. It’s a beautiful two story with a screened door garage. outside porch and and upstairs deck for outdoor entertaining. Their lawn is gorgeous and manicured and from time to time, the mom sits outside by the rope swing and reads story books to her son who’s like 6 or 7. and all I can think of is...man what a fucking life. I can’t help but picture myself in it and though I can’t see Craig in it anymore, I believe it will happen one day. It’s just really interesting to see exactly what you want a few blocks away from where you live.  In addition, I’ve seen sooo many yellow butterflies all over north park as of these last few weeks and I can’t help but remember craig always saying “they say that butterflies indicate that someone who’s passed is visiting you” He’s only mentioned one time that he believes yellow butterflies in particular is his sister because her favorite color is yellow. And I think it’s so strange that it wasn’t until after he left that I noticed all these yellow butterflies all over northpark. I did a deeper dive into research and in spirituality, it actually indicates hope and it symbolizes a major change is about to take place soon. 

[dawnamethyst]

2/8/2021

Back from my second retreat at Mt. Rainier with the shadow walker clan yesterday. It’s now Monday evening and I’m asking, “Wait. What just happened?” Some learning, play, cold, wet weather, fire, laughter, exploration, river, forest, elk turds, hugs and discussion. And a good bit of processing. I’m so grateful for the feeling the intimacy shared and sense of community.

Key talking points were listening, questioning and the hero’s journey. What came up for me? The growing feeling of wanting to do this work. The sarcastic voice that didn’t want to take anything seriously constantly chiming in with a thought. I didn’t expect that. Another voice that couldn’t stop pushing its desire to cuddle with Chivito. The innocent child that listened intently and the adult that wanted to heal that child. The dreamer that couldn’t stop dreaming of traveling and learning from those that work with the land. I once read about a farm in Florida and it hasn’t forgotten.

I started connecting events in my life to steps on the Hero’s Journey. It was distracting as I tried to take in the information. It started to bring up memories of times I ran from the call (like binge eating junk food that wasn’t mine). Other times where I was deep, deep in it (I’m not sure when... maybe those times that were a “rough” patch...). And of mentors and friends along the way that reminded me I wasn’t alone even if I thought I was.

It makes me wonder... where am I currently in the cycle and can I be in two different places in the cycle at once? Are there multiple cycles happening at once? My place in the cycle can be confusing... am I running from the call or am I getting deep into the thick of it?

I really didn’t want to work today. Is that why I had the heavy feeling while checking my email? Or is it a greater issue? I don’t know, but I can’t help but wonder... is taking this job ignoring the call to travel/garden/learn or is it me diving deep into the thick of it? Could be it be both? It does feel like going deeper, because I’m feeling how I have less time/less freedom. I do want to overcome this fear... the full-time job that is challenging... for my skills, time management, bank account, etc.

- I need a solid morning routine. I feel depressed when I don’t get meditation and exercise in. - Do I want to start next Monday or March 1? It would be nice to transition and settle and just have a nice break w/o any work for a couple of weeks. Most likely I’ll be ready to work having had 2 weeks to not work. - I want to help Chivito and Tree of Totems. I want to work with people in the shadow guide way. - I also want to let go of commitments so I don’t feel spread too thing and can really give my energy to something. - I want a project at VC that is engaging (research, strategy, design--those types of things).

- I want a project outside of work. Gardening and/or something hands-on. - I want to save up. - I want to get the ‘lil RV. - I want to apprentice to the land through stewardship. - I want to connect to the land, be able to listen, be able to facilitate. - I want to live in harmony with the land. - I want to support others in living in harmony with the land.

- I want to move out of my pain body & into a centered way of being. I get that I will be in my pain body sometimes, but it feels like habit right now to react, jump into it and act from it.

- I want to speak up. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to bloom and shine instead of hide in fear.

- It feels like too often I’ve adjusting and adapting to my environment. Depending on her mood or when she feels like playing/talk constantly apex. I’m tired of being around her mess. Being distracted by her mess. I want time where I can work or just be and not worry about being interrupted. I get really, really, really sick of hearing her talk during the day and night on that game. I wonder why she isn’t out working. I want her to get out of the house and leave me in piece some times.

- I want keep slowing down internally.

Recap:

-- Solid morning routine to start the day off right. -- Dedicated work space that’s quite, peaceful and free of almost all interruption. -- Social time, play, and fun hands-on project in the evenings. -- A kitchen I don’t have to constantly clean up. -- Quiet sleep. -- Outdoor adventures. -- Adventure buddies. -- Learn to facilitate: to innovate + to shadow guide. -- Time box what is work time & what is free time. -- Help people work through their shit so they can shine and contribute in the way that is meaningful to them. -- Design shelters for living. For reflection, for writing, for meditating, for sleeping, for cooking, for interaction, for expression, for connection. -- Design shelters that integrate with the land.

And me and the ex. Do I want to work on things with her?

It feels more like a matter of path. I want to travel and learn and mature into a sense of purpose and along with it--times of content and stillness. I want to share what I learn with others too. I hadn’t realized that till now, but I do. Of course I do! I don’t see P wanting to do all that. I see her working with animals... dogs & horses. But also staying in one place working on her garden. God, it’d be hard to let her go and especially when she finds someone else to be with. But I’d be really happy for her if she finds someone that can sleep next to her. And she could be my neighbor.

So I guess I can be ok still being in the same house. If I’m in Talya’s room, it would not be wise to call the bathroom, “Mine.” It will be shared. I do think it would be distracting if she’s in the bathroom during the day for long periods of time. I can get noise cancelling headphones and also a folding screen or curtain so I can’t see when she comes in and out to use the bathroom.

The light is so much nicer in Katelyn’s room, but there’s not a very good space for work. Dang reflective screens.

I see it as an opportunity for P to continue to get on her feet. Get a vehicle, get a local job (horses, co-op, her own doggy business). Get health insurance in WA. I see it as an opportunity for me to enjoy the summer in the PNW, finish the shadow guide training, not have to deal with a new location & get to stay in a quiet, peaceful town a while longer. Plus be super close to the beach, kayak or SUP, bike & hike. Hopefully meet new people & build some face to face relationships. And be close to Mom!

I do feel less at odds with joining VC, because I see an opportunity to bring shadow guiding to the business world.

I also feel that I will be unhappy if I don’t spend time with the nature learning that I want. On the other hand, if things go belly up with VC or I imagine just not doing it, I’d be sad temporarily, but it’d be a lot easier to let go of it over plants, soil, clay, rain and sunshine.

It feels much more like a relational journey versus transactional. Even though so many people have this knowledge, I too want to understand beyond the plant names. It’s about coming into and building MY relationship with the earth. And it’s about speaking what’s meaningful to me about earth and my relationship with it. It’s about being in harmony with, but also becoming one with it and myself. Feeling whole with where I am, what I do and what I speak. That does feel like a spiritual journey and transformation of who I want to mature into. Someone well spoken, earthly, able to empathize with many different people & connect with them also. Someone that understands nature and our place within it. Someone that communicates with and teaches others. Someone that re-builds the connection to the land. Someone that can inspire.

Man, when I allow myself to imagine this journey and its purpose, designing and building software feels a lot less important. Another task I could let go of... but maybe an opportunity will present itself through that nature learning or facilitation. I can be open to that.

[cedarrrun]

The author, doula, and founder of Mama Glow offers a three-part restorative practice to reset your nervous system and reclaim your yoga glow.

Every September, National Yoga Month inspires us to get on our mats and reminds us of the magic inherent in the mind-body connection. But for many practitioners, COVID-era livestream classes have run their course.

We can all admit there are times when we feel like the last thing we want to do is look at a computer screen. If Zoom and pandemic fatigue have all but dulled your senses, Brooklyn-based Latham Thomas, founder of the maternity lifestyle brand Mama Glow, and author of Own Your Glow, suggests an alternate pathway to reinvigorate your practice. “This moment presents an opportunity to lean into the limbs of yoga and focus on philosophy more than physicality,” she says. Collectively, we’re restless, anxious, even sluggish; full of uncertainty about the future. Plus, she adds, “a lot of people are bored with their practice and say that it’s just not as fulfilling.” But there’s a silver lining to coronavirus lockdown, according to Thomas: By slowing down and leaning into unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings, we tune in to what it is we really need in order to thrive. This “reprogramming” can help us reignite our inner spark and reclaim our lost yoga glow. “Your emotional body wants to rest—so how can you practice active rest?” she asks. “How much space can you make for yourself? What would it feel like to center your needs—not your physical needs, but your psychic needs? Use that as a compass for wisdom. Reclaiming your yoga glow is about expanding your capacity to receive.”

see also I Tried Dopamine Fasting, and It Helped Me Appreciate the Present

Everything we would normally do to anchor ourselves in times of stress, anxiety, or tension—like gathering in our yoga classes, embracing our friends and families, and being in proximity to other living, breathing, bodies—has been missing from our lives for months. “There’s collective mourning—a weight, a heaviness connected to everyone, we are all feeling the effects of the same set of circumstances, but in different ways all at the same time,” she says. “We’ve been cooped up inside—but we’ve also had to deal with what’s happening in the world around us—and we’re not getting the community lift that we’re used to.”

Thomas says the invitation now, for all of us, is to listen to what’s happening inside of us. “What does our internal landscape look like at this moment?” she asks. “There is another pathway that is also yoga—it’s going beyond what is challenging us in a different way that’s not necessarily physical.”

For a yoga mat that helps you find your alignment, try Ewedoos Eco-Friendly Yoga Mat with Alignment Lines

What Is Active Rest?

For Thomas, the practice of active rest begins by giving ourselves permission to feel rather than think. “In this time of quarantine and unrest, it's important to anchor ourselves in possibility, revel in grace, and embrace the energy of ease,” she says. By channeling emotional intelligence, we defer to the parasympathetic nervous system to ascertain the style of embodied practice that will work best for us at the moment. “We can reclaim an intentional practice around rest that is more reflective and less robotic,” Thomas says, adding that active rest can include movement.

see also How Yoga Nidra Can Help You Get More Sleep

It’s possible that our yoga practices have mentally prepared us for this very moment in human history. Thomas says that in 2020, the practice serves as a reminder that it’s OK to lay in bed and sleep a little longer and that it’s OK if you’re exhausted—because there are plenty of reasons to be exhausted. “There is wisdom in listening to what your body needs,” she says. “Don’t just show up to your mat—but show up to your life and tune into the landscape that yoga philosophy teaches us all about.”

Thomas says her COVID-era practice is very different than it used to be—it’s quiet and solitary and continues to ebb and flow. “I would not be surprised if we start to see more active rest classes in 2021 when we can go back into the world,” she says.

For a journal to keep track of gratitude, try Good Days Start With Gratitude: A 52 Week Guide To Cultivate An Attitude Of Gratitude

The somatic work that Thomas has been exploring in recent months—especially during moments of anxiety and uncertainty—connects the body with higher consciousness. For National Yoga Month, and just in time for essential Fall grounding, Thomas shares her three-part practice for active rest and relaxation. The practice should take about 15–20 minutes from start to finish—or longer if you need it. “The body is so powerful because it’s the arbiter of safety, security, and belonging—and this practice invites us to attune to our bodies, feel your way through, and figure out the pathway that makes the most sense for you,” Thomas says.

It's not too late to join us for our National Yoga Month program for recommitting to your practice—whether that's five minutes of active rest a day, a quick pranayama or meditation, or a full asana class. 

Latham Thomas’ 3-Part Practice for Reclaiming Your Yoga Glow

1. Self-Inquiry

Set up a sacred space in your home—if you haven’t already—and lay down on your mat using as many props as you need so you’re cozy and comfortable. You might also try this practice outdoors, laying on the earth to recharge. As you deepen your breath and open yourself to the wisdom of your body, imagine sending breath to each part of your body starting from your feet, legs, knees, et cetera, all the way up to your head. As you breathe and listen, reflect on what you can learn about your body when you take the time to listen to it. Ask yourself the following questions for self-reflection:

Where do I feel joy in my body?

Where am I soothing myself?

Where do I feel constriction?

Where am I feeling open?

see also Try This Restorative, Hip-Opening Yoga Sequence for Ultimate Rejuvenation

2. Vocal Toning Once you’re calm and centered, continue elongating your breath, but with each exhale, release a gentle humming sound with your lips closed. Vocal toning is not harmonic, Thomas says, but a single solitary note that’s closest to your speaking voice. Each humming sound generates an internal massage for the body and stimulates the vagus nerve. Vocal toning slows down the body and brain waves and grounds the nervous system. The throat (vishuddha) chakra is also activated, increasing the capacity for truth-telling. By empowering your voice, you can actually listen to your inner voice, Thomas says—what’s been buried beneath the surface that you haven’t spoken aloud will start to reveal itself. For beginners, Thomas advises starting with 5 minutes of toning, and over time, as plasticity increases, increasing to up to 10–15 minutes. When you allow yourself to feel versus think and enter a state of total relaxation, you allow for moments of clarity as you move from an active brain wave state to an altered state of relaxation (theta and delta waves).

By developing this “spiritual stamina,” you’re bringing to the surface what’s uncomfortable like taking a sponge, soaking it up, and wringing it out, Thomas says. You can also hum alongside simple, repetitive drone sounds or ambient music—the Insight Timer app or YouTube are great resources. You might record the wisdom that arises as a voice memo on your iPhone or jot down in a notebook. “Just letting that stuff come up is the medicine,” Thomas says.

The next phase of this process incorporates a simple mantra such as “Ah.” The throat and pelvic floor are neurologically coordinated, Thomas says, and as the throat chakra signals the root chakra to open, a pathway to creative solutions around what’s really been bothering you and what you need to remedy will emerge. This “creative vortex” is a portal that opens upon entering your personal “medicine melody,” according to Thomas. Savor the resonance of sound and sensations in your body as you go. If there’s someone in your household you can partner up with, Thomas says the experience of doing this practice head-to-head on the floor or seated back-to-back is profound. “You can feel the heat and energy of their spine and they feel yours—and you hear their voice and you entrain your voices together,” she says. “Stuff comes up just by using your unhindered voice(s)—it starts by just allowing the sound to come through and be the medicine and clearing agent.”

For a thick blanket to use during your practice, try this Mexican Blanket, Falsa Blanket

3. Intention Setting To close the practice, ask yourself what steps you’ll take—not in a forceful, goal-centric way, but in a loving, gentle, and nurturing way, to remain spiritually anchored. Instead of a to-do list, which is helpful for goal setting, this moment calls for liberation from those expectations.

Ask yourself what conditions are necessary so that you may thrive. “We tend to set beautiful, powerful goals, but then life is layered—there are kids and homeschool, your job, etc., that get in the way,” Thomas says. “Don’t beat yourself up over what you didn’t get around to or achieve.” Thomas reminds us that the yoga of 2020 is not about pushing to your edge but reorienting your approach. Ask what it means to “practice” in every aspect of your life, not just on the mat, she advises. “It’s not about being in a set of postures, but creating a prostration for listening so you can receive what is meant for you with the tools you cultivated.”

Emerge from this practice with new promises you’ve made to yourself, speaking your truth about what you actually have the capacity to do. Thomas recommends starting your day with active rest in the morning, and if your body is craving movement, trying a gentle flow midday—though ultimately it’s up to you to decide what it is you need. Whatever your practices may be, use them as tools to be in direct relationship to yourself and to what’s happening around you—but do it in a way that’s sustainable.

see also Deepen Your Self-Awareness With This Gentle, Holistic Yoga Therapy and Meditation Practice

About Latham Thomas (@GlowMaven)

Named one of Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul 100, Latham is leading a revolution in radical self-care, guiding women everywhere to “mother themselves first”. A celebrity wellness maven, and birth doula, Latham is the founder of Mama Glow, a global maternal health and doula education company serving birthing people along the childbearing continuum. Mama Glow supports birthing people during the fertility period, pregnancy, birth as well as during postpartum offering hand-holding through their bespoke doula services. Mama Glow also offers a globally recognized doula immersion program, attended by people from all corners of the USA and 6 continents. They educate doula-trainees from around the world to become the next generation of birth workers that will transform the modern health care system for birthing people and babies. She is a fierce advocate for birth equity and works to bridge policy gaps in maternal health. 

Pick up a copy of Own Your Glow: A Soulful Guide to Luminous Living & Crowning The Queen Within, (Paperback release: June 2020; Hay House), to learn more.

We independently source all of the products that we feature on yogajournal.com. If you buy from the links on our site, we may receive an affiliate commission, which in turn supports our work.

[swissimpact]

FRANCESCA PFISTER  |  MAY, 2019

From | Born in St. Gallen to a Swiss-Italian mother and a Swiss-German father. Grew up in Switzerland, moved to New York in 1989, and since 1996 lives and works in Philadelphia

Work | Artist/Educator

Hobbies | Traveling, taiji, swimming, skiing, and the community garden

Recent books | The Ministry of Utmost Happiness by Arundhati Roy; Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie; Sun Gardens: Cyanotypes by Anna Atkins by Larry J. Schaaf

Favorite food from Switzerland | Formaggino from the Val di Muggio in Ticino

Favorite spot in Switzerland | Swiss/Italian border region of Ticino during the summer; the mountains around Flims in Graubünden in the winter.

What is your background?

After my art history studies in Lausanne I moved to New York for a post graduate program in Museum Studies. I completed a number of internships in art museums in New York and then at the Peggy Guggenheim Collection in Venice. My general fascination for the city and its diversity, the prospect of a myriad of professional options in the arts, and my now husband, who I had met by then, made me decide to stay in New York. I worked in curatorial research for a few years, first out of City Hall for the Health and Hospitals Corporation Public Art Program, surveying its art collection, which is dispersed around the city hospitals. I helped to catalogue the gallerist Ileana Sonnabend’s personal collection housed in a storage space in Soho, and I finally got my dream job working at MoMA, researching the beginnings of conceptual art for three curators.

My husband’s academic appointment at Penn brought us with our two children to Philadelphia, where I got into photography and decided to take my new passion further. I got a Master of Fine Arts at PennDesign and taught in its Fine Arts Department for a few years. I now divide my time between my studio practice and teaching residencies. Exhibitions and artist residences also aliment my work. This setup provides an ideal framework for me, as I alternate between periods of intense immersion in teaching and on my own projects. Two recent, satisfying residencies were with RAIR (Recycled Artist in Residency), during which I worked with materials sourced from the waste stream in an active recycling plant in North East Philadelphia, and a Caravanserai residency in Cambridge UK, where I printed with bicycle parts collected from bike shop recycling bins, working out of a caravan connected to a women’s art cooperative.

What does your work aim to say?

Using photography, with and without a camera, I explore places and things that are on the verge of losing or have lost their original function. I also collect found objects I run into - examining them like specimens or archeological artifacts to be reevaluated - and I experiment with how to make physical imprints of and with them. To me, discarded or forgotten things and spaces in transition are precious witnesses of human existence. I hope that through my work I can add to seeing beauty and potential in the process of their transformation and help illuminate the archeological treasures of the future.

What inspires you on a daily basis?

The happy encounter of opposites, communing in affinities, the nuances of light, infinite renewability of materials such as metal, the miraculous cycle of nature, small everyday things, and of course my family.

Has a favorite or most inspirational place in Switzerland influenced your artwork?

I marvel at the summers spent in the Swiss-Italian border region of the Mendrisiotto, in what I remember as a paradise-world where my four siblings, cousins and I would roam around woods and fields, seeing no dangers, with plenty of time left for me to retire with a good book in a large fireplace niche. This sheltered and open-ended time - both immersed in nature and in fictive worlds of my choosing - has marked me, and so has the exposure to different cultures within Switzerland, the cumulative learning-thinking-feeling experiences in German, Italian and French, before I moved into the East Coast melting pot of the US. My work is influenced by the intersection of multiple realities, from the encounter of cultures.

How is photography similar or different in Switzerland compared to the US?

I believe that photography today tends to address the same, basic concerns in both Switzerland and the US. We need to engage with a more globally oriented world. An increased tendency to transgress the boundaries between categories and applications within and beyond the medium of photography is noticeable. I relate to work that conveys an emotion and am sensitive to the intermingling of local and global perspectives, personal voices within our multi-cultural world. I have found these qualities in work exhibited in museums and galleries both in the US and in Switzerland.

Are you working on any project right now?

I just finished wrapping up a teaching residency in a public high school in South Philadelphia, making sun prints with a group of teenagers on the school’s roof. In my own practice I work, usually at the same time, on several interconnected series that focus on different aspects of my ongoing interests as an artist. I shift from visually exploring defunct manufacturing facilities around Philadelphia to recording found objects with my camera, to making cyanotypes using objects that interest me, to experimenting with physical imprints of inked objects that I run through an etching press. I have mostly focused on the urban environment until now. In a couple of new projects, my ‘garden trophies’ and ‘ocean rejects’, I am moving my attention to intersections of culture and nature.

If you could buy any work of art in the world, what would it be?

I admire the work of many artists. Since relocating to the US, I was first interested in Robert Rauschenberg’s combines, prints, screens, theater props, and travel photography. Gordon Matta Clark’s interventions in buildings about to be destroyed also fascinate me. In terms of artists who are more strictly photographers, I have always felt an affinity with Bernd and Hilla Becher’s industrial typologies of Europe and the US. I also find a kinship of spirit with the video installations by Swiss artists Pippilotti Rist and Beat Streuli, Rist for her refreshing and funny takes on the self and beyond, and Streuli for his humanistic voyeurism that addresses individualism and anonymity at once.

What do you miss most about Switzerland?

I most miss my family, but I am fortunate to be able to go back and spend time with my parents, siblings, and their families on a regular basis. I sometimes also miss the outdoors in Switzerland, and being more physically active, which seems to be a more natural and fluid part of everyday life there than here in the frenetic urban areas of the East Coast.

Gray Brushes A, North Philadelphia (from Obsolete Objects), 16 x 16 inches / 40.6 x 40.6 cm, archival pigment print, 2018

Additional information on her work:

http://rairphilly.org/francesca-pfister

http://printcenter.org/2012comp/FrancescaPfister/francescapfister2.html

E  |  frapfis@hotmail.com

We welcome your comments at philadelphia@honrep.ch Thank you!