#and our manager not being fully aware of everything already is too stressful i'm not a senior i don't have 40 years of experience

[albonium]

i've been awake since 5h30 and i keep thinking about not renewing my contract in april. i could chill all summer and then try to find a new job in september 😭

[mrs-han]

My second piece for @mysme-rbb !

This is a collab piece with https://mobile.twitter.com/sofia_gaglione or golden-heart! Here’s her Twitter!

~~~

"Jaehee? Are you with me?"

You couldn't ignore the faraway look in your partner's eyes. Jaehee stared off into the distance, the light in her eyes gone and replaced with a dull glow. Her hands lay deathly still on her coffee mug, and her breathing was stiff - as if she was afraid of breathing too hard or too much.

"Jaehee," you said calmly, reaching over to rub your thumbs over her knuckles. "Jaehee, talk to me..."

"What day is it," she asked raspily, licking her dry lips.

"It's Saturday."

"... I need to head over to the office," Jaehee spoke as she stood, the heel of one of her shoes popping out of her foot.

"What? What do you mean? It's Saturday," you frowned, grabbing her before she could stumble any further. "And you just left the office earlier this morning! What could Jumin possibly want with you now?"

"He needs me to finalize some documents and create new ones," Jaehee sighed, her life oozing from her body. "At this rate, I'm beginning to forget what we're working on or what we're doing."

"Jumin is running you into the ground," you exclaimed, your face contorting. "He acts like the company isn't making any money right now. Seriously, what is his motive?"

"He wants to stay as productive as possible," Jaehee spoke gently, running her hands over her face. "I think he's trying to distract himself from his father's latest affair."

You scoffed. "Pff, whatever is going wrong with him and his father isn't any of your business."

"I know," Jaehee grinned, placing her and on your wrist. "I know you mean well, too. Give it until the end of this week. Mr. Han will have calmed down."

"Jaehee, forgive me for saying so, but I don't think you can last a week."

Just as she was about to form a rebuttal, her phone rang loudly on the table. You peeked and frowned deeply - Jumin Han himself.

"Let me answer it."

"No," Jaehee mouthed, pulling her phone from you. "Yes, Mr. Han? Yes, I'm aware of our meeting. Well, I... I'm on my way to you right now. Yes. Yes. Elizabeth the Third... yes, I did feed her the right amount of food the other day. Well, you know how active she is; that could have contributed to the scale's miscalculation."

Are you kidding me? You mouthed.

I'm sorry, Jaehee mouthed back to you, gathering her keys and folders into her hands, blowing a kiss in your direction. "Yes, Mr. Han. I'm on my way. I'm... yes. I'm on my way."

You crossed your arms over your chest and stared at Jaehee's still-full coffee cup. She couldn't even come to enjoy the little things in life thanks to her boss, and you were growing sick and tired of his nonsense. While you had limited options in the matter, you were tired of seeing Jaehee in a zombie-like state because of her relentless boss.

Still, it wasn't like there was anything you could do about it at that moment. You paid for your coffee and hers before gathering your things and making your way to your shared apartment. You would try to convince her to pursue her dreams when she returned home. Hell, you would even create a dartboard with Jumin's face at the center so that she could relieve some stress.

~~~

Pulling a rotisserie chicken from the oven, you gently set it at the table. You placed your hands triumphantly on your hips. Jaehee would be home in half an hour or less, and you were ready to treat your queen like a queen. You weren't afraid to go all out for your lady. Two glasses of champagne paired with another two glasses of water sat next to fine china displayed with more ostentation than you thought you had inside of you. You had even made some vegetables on the side, and you wouldn't talk to her about the burnt smell of potatoes that wafted through the air... she would figure that out for herself.

Sitting intently, you checked your watch and shook your legs, a bright smile on your face. Not too long now.

However... the gleeful expression on your face changed as half an hour turned into an hour. Then an hour and a half.

You shook your head and bounced your knee, staring at your phone in your fit of anxiety. The only reason she would ever come home late was only ever because of Jumin.

Freaking Jumin.

You stood and grabbed the rotisserie chicken with plans to warm it up when Jaehee walked through the door. Her face was red, her eyes swollen, and her hand over her nose, alerting you immediately.

"Jaehee!" You exclaimed, opening your arms.

When she didn't so much as tiredly saunter your way, your concern grew.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Jaehee sniffed, her gaze cast downward and her shoulders low.

"What happened," you encouraged, placing your hands on her shoulders. "Tell me what's going on..."

"Ah," Jaehee attempted raising her voice to convince you that all was well, or rather, all was as well as it could be. "I had a rather... tough night tonight, that's all..."

"Did Jumin do this?" You demanded.

"No," she lied. "No, I didn't realize how -"

"Jaehee," you stopped her. "Don't try to hide anything from me. Tell me, did Jumin do this?"

She hesitated, instantly answering your question. You bit the inside of your lip, stopping yourself from letting out a string of curse words.

"It isn't Mr. Han personally," Jaehee mumbled, easing her jacket from her shoulders. "It's... hah, you can see it, can't you?"

Your brows knit together. "How stressed out you are? How overwhelmed you've been?"

"I was a fool to think I could hide it so easily from you," she tried to smile, only creating a grim line across her face. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to burden you with what happens at work."

Gripping her shoulders, you practically forced her to face you. "Your well-being is never a burden for me, Jaehee. How could you think that?"

"I'm sorry," she hiccupped, cupping her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry."

"Sit down," your tone softened as you eased her into a chair. "Sit. I made dinner for us. You know what I want you to do right here and now?"

Jaehee's eyes looked at you expectantly. Still, you couldn't ignore the exhaustion behind them.

"I want you to tell me what the past week has been like for you at C&R. Just this past week, that's all I need to know."

"Where do I begin," Jaehee laughed as you placed a chicken leg on her plate.

"Monday," you smiled.

You didn't expect Jaehee would talk to you for over three hours. You didn't expect her cavalcade of tears, nor did you expect for her to rant, something she usually would never do.

She couldn't stop herself, and for a good reason - the woman had a lot going on. Meetings lasting throughout the day only to have a thirty or so minute lunch, which was still interrupted; ongoing projects that seemed to come out of nowhere planned based upon the mood of her supervisor; nights upon nights sitting at a desk, causing her back to be sore and her fingers already beginning the process of arthritis.

Even the air conditioning in the office started to become bothersome to her, as it was so chilly, she had to start bringing blankets to work.

She didn't have time for herself anymore, and you knew it. Jaehee sobbed as she talked about feeling out of shape, her weekly judo pursuits a thing of the past. She wailed about her skin and how it has lost its luster. She had gone so far as to complain about how bland the coffee at the office had tasted because she didn't have time to put on a fresh pot.

Your dear partner was so exhausted and run down that, as soon as she had processed what she had been through, she instantly fell asleep, her head on your lap.

It was difficult for you to process all of her words fully. The longer she talked, the more blind rage you experienced, your cheeks a hot red and your pupils narrowed. You managed to sit through her tirade without interruption, only to let out a gasp or two... yet, you couldn't just sit there and allow such injustice to continue against your Jaehee.

The sun had comfortably set over the horizon, and you had no doubt the perpetrator behind her sorrows still sat at his desk. An idea flashed through your mind, one that would likely get you in serious trouble and possibly ban you from the C&R building indefinitely. Still, the very conception of it made you smile.

Setting Jaehee down tenderly against the couch and placing a blanket over her wearied form, you threw a jacket over yourself and quietly left the apartment.

~~~

The following morning started as regularly as Jaehee was used to. She rolled casually off the couch and quickly refreshed herself as she had another day to spend at the office. She called for you and, with no answer, she put on a pot of coffee for you to enjoy instead. You were a restless soul and were probably out running errands or whatnot. Nevertheless, she was grateful to you for listening to her open up. It was certainly something she wasn't used to doing.

She slipped on her shoes and mustered up the courage to push the door open, only to be greeted by a call from the big boss himself.

"Good morning, Mr. Han -"

"Where are you right now," Jumin demanded, his tone clipped and irritated.

"I'm... on my way to the office right now. Why, what's the matter?"

"I need you to hurry up. Understood? Make your way here as soon as possible."

"Mr. Han, what's going on -"

"There's been a break-in."

Jaehee froze and began to jog lightly. "Yes, sir. I'm on my way right now."

"What is missing," Jumin demanded, his tone further away from the phone.

"So far, Mr. Han, everything is in its place -"

"In its place? Look around you, gentlemen. Nothing is in its place."

"Mr. Han, I'm on my way right now -"

"Hurry up."

As soon as Jumin disconnected the call, Jaehee went into a full sprint, her heels miraculously driving her to the C&R building. She stormed past security and through to the busy elevators, out of breath and forehead glistening with sweat. As soon as she reached her boss's floor, her shaky breath called his name - and he appeared like a heavy cloud. His aura radiated that of a disgruntled, frustrated young man, not afraid to throw a tantrum at any moment.

"Mr. Han, are you all right?"

"I am. Investigators are searching the place as we speak."

"What happened -" Jaehee began. As she took a step into Jumin's office, she let out an audible gasp. His desk was toppled over; papers were scattered everywhere, lamp hoods were placed atop the fish tank, furniture was turned upside down, and poorly drawn stick figures were etched on Jumin's desk.

"What... on earth..."

Jumin crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "Assistant Kang. Fortunately, your office wasn't taken over by this bandit."

"Is that so," Jaehee mumbled, her eyes still scanning Jumin's room.

"This has a few meanings behind it. One, I offended a client. Two, I offended a friend. Do you think Zen is the one behind this?"

"While Zen isn't entirely fond of you, Mr. Han, I doubt he would physically come to your office."

With that, Jaehee's phone rang in her hand.

"Answer it," Jumin sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "It could have something to do with the merger we're doing with G-Corp in Indonesia."

"Yes, Mr. Han." She sighed and answered. "Yes, this is Jaehee Kang -"

"Jaehee," your voice came through. "Jaehee, are you at work right now?"

"Ah... yes, I am," Jaehee's tone softened. "But I can't talk to you right now. We have an emergency at Mr. Han's office."

"So you saw it?" Your tone lifted.

Jaehee paused. "Saw it?"

Jumin cast his eyes down towards his assistant and furrowed his brows.

"I couldn't get over how upset you were last night. I wanted to take matters into my own hands, so! I snuck into Jumin's office and! Let's just say you may have a day or two off while things get cleaned up!"

"Excuse me?" Jumin's sharp voice pressed.

Jaehee stood frozen, her mouth open and her eyes wide.

"... He's there with you right now, isn't he," you asked, the happiness in your voice now withdrawn.

"You destroyed my office?" Jumin urged, his voice closer to the phone.

"... Yup. Do I have your attention now, Jumin?"

Jaehee closed her eyes and folded her lips, still in disbelief.

"Attention? You did all this for my attention? I could press charges towards you because of the damage you created," Jumin chided.

"Sure, you could do that," you spoke nonchalantly. "But I thought you were a rational man. Don't you want to know the motives behind my rampage?"

"I have an idea," Jumin uttered, staring down at his assistant.

"Do you realize how much pain you've been causing her this past week alone, Jumin?"

Jumin scoffed. "She's my assistant. When I need her -"

"She's your assistant. Therefore, you should strive to take good care of her so that she doesn't faint again. I thought you learned from what happened the last time she collapsed. I honestly thought you were smarter than that."

"Are you scolding me?" Jumin huffed.

"I don't care how you take it. You need to be kinder to that lady, or else I'll convince her to leave your company for good. And I mean it, Jumin. We both know you can't survive without her."

Jaehee exhaled; she didn't know she was holding her breath.

Jumin shook his head. "... Fine. I'll talk to her. But you owe me for the damage done to my office."

"And you owe me for all the time you've taken away from Jaehee."

"Then I would owe her. Not you."

"Can the two of you please stop bickering," Jaehee heaved. "Mr. Han, I'll get the janitors in so they can clean this mess."

Jumin placed his hand on his hip. "You should convince your partner to come in. Should she agree, I won't press charges."

"You love having the last word, don't you," you said sarcastically.

"You two will truly be the death of me," Jaehee whispered, grabbing her belongings.

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

June 2017 correspondence. Mom wrote me back, but it was such an underwhelming response, that I'm mad.

To mom: I haven’t felt close to you, and over the years even as an adult, I’ve never felt an emotional connection from you. I can acknowledge things that you have done for me and be grateful for that, and also acknowledge what hasn’t been working between us, as good and bad behaviors are mutually exclusive. Last August I wrote about specific hurtful words and behaviors that you’ve done. Nothing from the no contact letter was mentioned, acknowledged, or questioned at all, and that invalidates my attempts to communicate.  I’m not sure if you understood what I was trying to explain, and I’m not sure about your thoughts on any of it. This is hard for me to bring up, but I think it’s important.

I want to throw out the parent/ child dynamic and focus on our relationship, as adults and equals. I feel like I’ve been treated as inferior, even as an adult.  I tried to be open and honest with the discussion last summer.  I questioned specific instances of poor behavior, and nothing was really said about your behaviors or actual emotions.  Everything sounded like excuses.  There was no empathy, no apologies, which says to me, you don’t care that you are hurtful towards me.  ( I know later you told me, “I’m sorry you never felt loved.”, but to me I felt you were blaming me for not feeling something that you say is there.  The apology also didn’t include your part of our ongoing situation. )  And I specifically brought up instances where I was an adult, so this is not an old childhood problem that I’m addressing, but a long standing pattern of behavior.  It is unacceptable and I’m no longer willing to allow it any further.  It hurts too much.  Especially since the behavior has now carried over to my son.  It’s my job to protect him, so everything is no longer just about me alone.  I am still shocked and appalled at what was said to him.  How can a gross perversity just be unaddressed like nothing? It’s a huge breech of morality and integrity.  

I have a problem with being told how greatly I’m loved, when I saw striking lack of empathy from you last summer.  I was bawling, and ugly crying at the table, and you seemed to have no tears or comfort towards me.  I think it’s rather telling that I was saying for the first time how I thought about being dead at 16, while you were just stone cold.  But later, manage to cry for yourself and the “hard life” that you always bring up. It hurts that you seem to put your feelings first, and even more hurtful when your feelings are used to hurt me. You have a right to your feelings, but not a right to shame or guilt someone else.  Stress is not the answer to all of it, because there is discrepancy between how you treat me in public and around other people, versus alone.

As much as I would like you to be fully honest, I can’t force your free will choices.  And honestly on my end, I’m not sure how much I would believe anyways.  I no longer feel comfortable being alone with you.  I have no idea how you can acquire trust back.  But things have now been severely broken.  Since 2009, I feel like there’s just been a huge downward spiral, starting with the Virginia “unwelcome” thing.  I tried to ask you about it, yet I still don’t know what I SPECIFICALLY did to warrant that reaction.  We were robbed of a chance to make things right, and I was so hurt, that it still pains me deep in my heart.  Nothing was said about what was going on when Matt asked if everything was okay.  He gave you a chance to be honest, and you didn’t take it.

All around I feel there is a lot unsaid between us;  poor communication, manipulation, passive aggression, and even untruths.  Part of the reason all of this is overwhelming is because so much has gone unaddressed, unacknowledged, and unresolved. It hurts too much now to continue to keep everything hidden.

I feel like you don’t know me very well anymore, and just assume things based on my childhood and past self.  Being accused of bad intentions over and over causes me to feel like I don’t meet up to some invisible version of myself that doesn’t actually exist.  In reality, I’ve tried to do my best.  I’ve made a lot of effort traveling back and forth from each state, and moving back to Michigan for a time, which is something we didn’t have to do.  For all my success, I just feel like it’s all forgotten for misconstrued minor details along the way.  For a long time I’ve quietly endured rude, biting comments, and emotionally hurtful behavior, and seen you smirk while provoking me. I just don’t understand why anymore, or where you are coming from.

My life is a cluster of unique, difficult circumstances.  As I said in the first letter, it’s hurtful that you won’t make effort to understand those things, even though you avidly read books.  Now I’ve told you I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and I just don’t think you’ll try to understand that either.  But irregardless of understanding, there could still be empathy.  However when you accused me of “hating Harts” when I was too ill to leave the house, it shows a gross lack of empathy, and a preference to kick me while I’m down.  It’s hard to see love there.

I don’t want to force you to do anything, or change.  I don’t want you to pretend to be someone else.  Likewise, I no longer want to force things that are uncomfortable to me.  If you don’t want to understand certain things, I’d rather you just say so.  At this point, I would rather have the ugly truth than any more false pretenses. I’m going to start standing up for myself with words and actions.  I want to live not out of fear and obligation, but out of truth and freedom to be who I really am.  The most I want right now is respect and accountability from you.  I think that’s a pretty basic request, yet as of now, I haven’t seen any accountability from what the first letter has mentioned.  It seems like you’re focused on my reaction, rather than your behavior.

All I can do is put my truth out there.  I keep hoping that you understand what I’m trying to confront, but I really feel like maybe we’re speaking two different languages.  Both sides need to do work towards conflict resolution.  Actions have to be present, and matching the words. I feel like words have taken precedence over actions for a long time now. None of this has been easy for me, and I don’t think it will be for a long time.  But just because it’s difficult and feels bad, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  I’m trying my hardest to still be respectful while working through a lot of pain. I’m just trying to stand up for what is right.  If you are open to write back, I would like to hear what your thoughts are.

Sincerely, M

From mom:

Dear M,

It has been about a year since I last saw you at your home in WA state. I am sorry that you have been in so much pain and internal conflict. I was stunned by your revelations that night at the dining table. Many tears and prayers have been sent to God because of our relationship break. I want you to know I have not forgotten or given up on loving you. Please know that I am aware of many flaws in myself as a person and a parent. Things like keeping myself so busy that I would not take time to hear what you were trying to say. I did not seek to know your inner thoughts. I made providing food, shelter, and clothing more urgent than connecting for fellowship or fun. I have been a complainer and a worrier. Many times I feel too tired to cope with current problems so I hide. I am sorry for letting you down. I have not purposely tried to neglect, harm or sabotage you. I hope you can forgive me for being so flawed.

I have felt proud of your accomplishments: writing, singing, playing the flute and guitar, kickboxing, being a faithful wife, moving from place to place in support of your husbands career. Being a mom to Lil man. I want you to succeed in everything - every good thing that you try.

I don’t expect everything to be understood or healed in a moment. It has taken many years of hurt and silence to build up to this moment. I will be patient and respectful of your feelings. I hope you will do the same for me. Write to me when you feel up to it.

With Love, Mom (1 Corin 13:7)

My thoughts on her letter;

omg, I’m just so angry that I went into so much detail and she conveniently just skipped over all the  specific things I brought up, and then answered with a short, vague, generalized response. I’m just left with more questions. Stunned by WHAT revelations? We talked for 3 hours!! I’m not confronting her bullshit merely because she’s “flawed”! Many years of hurt and silence built up? Whose? Yours? Mine? Both?? And hoping I’ll be respectful of your feelings? I already said I was! (”I’m trying my hardest to be respectful”)

I just don’t know where to go from here. Inside I’m exhausted. This makes me want to do nothing. In nearly a year and their so called “counseling”, THIS was the only response from Nmom… All I wanted was accountability, not half assed sorry’s. She gives me the tiniest truths, but they’re the most obvious things that I already knew, so pretty useless. My biggest problem with the reply is saying “forgive me for being so flawed” doesn’t take ownership of the very specific things I brought up. I didn’t want an apology for my childhood, I wanted acknowledgement that Nmom said and did the things she did, and admitted they were inappropriate and disrespectful. Showing remorse and all that. This just wasn’t good enough considering I went NC/ VLC. We are way beyond the point where one generalized “sorry” is going to be okay. And the “not purposely tried to harm” gets me too, I just think that’s a lie. I’ve seen her smirk at me after saying hurtful things, accusing me of hating family, silent treatment/ passive aggression and all that, IS meant to harm… She still admits nothing that she said to my son, either. (The upsetting, gross, and disrespectful remark that she said to him, “Oh Lil Man, you’re so cute, you’d better watch out because the men like little boys.”) And yes, ugh, the Bible verse. Just like she cherry picked my letter, she cherry picked that verse. I knew it was the whole “love” chapter, and she picked the “believe/hope/ endure” part. Of course. Put up with her no matter what bc “love”? Funny, they conveniently skip the verses about “do not provoke your children to anger”, or “turn away from evil”.

So do I write back? Press further? Keep repeating the exact things I’ve already written? Or do as she’s done to me, and skip over what she writes, and just say a sentence or two about how our communication is just going nowhere ?