#and only when all of this fails (too soft to even kill his grandma btw) he has a public brawl w lucanis

[mohntilyet]

they hated illario because he was a d1 yapper who was bad at assassinating people and was so annoyingly drunk and grief stricken at his cousin’s wake that viago had to drug him to shut him up (so what if he was also the guy who set his cousin up to die/disappear) . and also for working with the venatori and selling out the antivan crows i guess.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

05-12-20 (Tuesday)

12 years ago today, at 5:45 AM, the phone rang on my house. My mother answered the phone and it woke me up for some reason (remember that I sleep like a rock and waking me is nearly impossible). I came out from my bedroom and down the short hallway to the living room to hear my mom talking in the kitchen doorway, where she would sit to read when not watching tv. She was on the phone. When she hung up about ten minutes later, she came into the living room and commented that I was up early. I said yeah. She just kinda looked at me for a minute and I broke the silence by saying "It's grandma, isn't it?" And she cried a bit and said yes. Then she sat on the chair with me and we cried together. That was her mother in law, not her mother btw. Grandma... had passed shortly before. My mom had apparently intended to let me sleep in but just said "I'll call the school and tell them you'll be out for a week." And I was confused for a moment. And she said she'd already spoken to the school and explained it was coming soon and they'd all agreed a week was a good amount since there was distance to travel and my emotions could be outta wack anyway. And I was like "Okay." And later, we went to pick up some homework and Mrs. Taylor (high school special ed/everything teacher) managed to come talk to me briefly and then we started packing and we went to burlington and fashion bug and kohl's for funeral attire. The shoes were from Kohl's I think. Black wedge sandals that were ridiculously comfortable. I miss those shoes. A black dress with a silver braided leather band around the front, just under the breast area. I think that was burlington. I don't think we found me anything at fashion bug. We usually didn't because A. I hated everything they sold. And B. It always fit weird if I liked it. And yet my mom took me there all the time. For me. Anyway, we spent the following day at home and the next in Jasper just kind of existing and helping put things together. I think the viewing was on a Wednesday and the funeral on a Thursday. But I might be wrong. Lemme go check a calendar from 2008.

Checked. May 12th was a Monday so it would add up correctly. And I went back to school on the next Monday out of mind on mania. Not because of grandma. Because on the day of the viewing, myself, a couple aunts, my parents, and my uncle went to holiday foods to get away from the funeral home and my uncle... groped me. I know I've mentioned that before but like honestly what the fuck. He'd always made horribly inappropriate comments all the time. He talked about my cousins breasts. He talked about his own daughter's body. It was creepy. Like beyond vaguely creepy you normally see. It was blatant and everyone just turned a blind eye. It really isn't shocking that Desiree ended up on drugs and sleeping around. She was raised by that filth. She never had a proper role model or upbringing. She was raised as if that was normal behavior and on top of that her mom never disciplined her. If anyone disciplined her, it was my uncles/her dad. And I'm pretty sure there's a vague memory of walking in on him touching her in my brain but it's fuzzy and I can only barely access that memory. I don't want to remember.

Why was I born into that filth? Like my mom was a manipulative asswipe but at least she didn't rape children jesus fucking christ. My granny was a racist but she didn't hurt kids. And even though she thought black people were inferior, she didn't like to see anyone come to harm. She was like soft racist. A casual racist. Like she held the beliefs but she didn't act on them. Still not okay but like at least she didn't rape children jesus fuck. My uncle John was kind of a pushover but otherwise I wouldn't really say anything too harsh about him. 9/10 solid uncle with good morals. I didn't really know Daron and George died when I was like 3. And then my cousin Jennifer was like partly picking up racism from my granny and her mom but she ended up a Steven Universe fan so hopefully she got away from that.

And then there's my dad's side which was just a solid wall of trash and trash in training but it's okay because they decorated themselves with wine and electronics instead of beer and hunting equipment. Honestly I know they looked down on my mom's family for how they lived but like at least none of my mom's siblings married a pedophile or a raging alcoholic abuser. My mom married someone who raped a child but I doubt she knew that would happen when she married him or had any real red flags on that present early on. I don't know if she knew or not and speculating on it kills me so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on that from now on. So we're assuming she had no clue.

So my dad's family dressed up as decent people but couldn't actually fill the role. My mom's family tried at least. They often failed but I firmly believe that they all tried at least. And it's not like my granny was the only one who was racist. My paternal grandfather was racist as all hell. Like active racist. Would probably have joined the Nazi party had he been born in that era of Germany. He's racist af. My maternal grandfather was like midway racist. Actively hated on other races but usually wouldn't do anything unless he was caught up in a group or provoked. But also thats just what I know from the twenty(probably less than that but like whatever) grand total times we have interacted ever and stories. I have witnessed my grandfather tell his youngest daughter that if she brought home a black man, he'd kill them both. He wasn't joking. Like what the fuck. Fucking gross and disturbing on so many levels. Wtf.

Anyway, I'm tired. Goodnight.