#and on top of dsyphoria i don't really need it

[dogboy-willgraham]

How to ask people to tag posts like 'the problem is you're a man' or the like without seeming like an ass who doesn't get jokes.

[anchoviesinthenightsky]

Idk if its approriate but I seen from your talks about it I was wondering if I could ask, as I'm trying to make a anime-manga thing, and I was wondering if you'd like to chim in: in non-binary and ace representation, what would you like to see more in those representation categories?

Hmm, this is definitely one of those things where different individuals in a community need different things. So it's hard to give general advice, because representation can look so varied even within a single community, you know? So I think my answer might also end up being.. vague? But you're totally welcome to follow up and ask more questions!

I think, when it comes down to it, when people/communities are asking for representation, they often mean that they want to see their daily joys and daily struggles seen and validated (rather than dismissed/ misunderstood/ stereotyped/ or used to advance the plot of characters of a more privileged group (think the gay best friend trope, where the gay bff helps the straight main character get into a relationship.)

So I guess, the first part of my wants would be for a story to avoid the common tropes put on nonbinary and asexual people. (a common one for both communities actually is the nonhuman trope) And for that I'd suggest looking into what the negative stereotypes/ overused tropes for those communities are and why they have a negative impact on the communities themselves. And, on top of that, having a sensitivity reader could help with making sure your story feels authentic.

But the second part of my wants would be what I said earlier-- for stories to show the daily, almost boring or routine parts of being nonbinary or ace. Bc that stuff can really breathe life into the characters and make them feel more nuanced and complex.

Things like:

For nonbinary people:

- having a routine for dealing with dsyphoria when it comes up (maybe that's watching a distracting show, doing CBT, etc.)

- having a code for dysphoria days that they use with their friends

- if they use multiple pronouns, having them switch out pins every now and then

- the joys of finding a jacket or skirt that gives you euphoria when you wear it

- the thrill of using their chosen name at coffee places (and side note, barista's frequently draw a heart next to my name when they write it and I can't tell if that's trans solidarity, if they're flirting, or if some baristas just... enjoy doing that. I like to think it's the trans solidarity.)

- the flip side of that-- getting called a butchered version of their chosen name. OR someone getting their name wrong entirely. I once had a barista (bless him, I think it was his first day and there was a rush) write my name down as Kayla. My name is Eli.

- walking that line between wanting to always be correctly gendered and being tired of correcting people all the time

- also consider if your character is nonbinary or if they use nonbinary as an umbrella term bc their actual label is too niche/ is hard to pin down

For ace people

- let ace people say dirty jokes if it fits their character

- let ace people fall in love

- if you have multiple ace people, let me have different views on having sex

- give ace people partners who respect their boundaries and dont push them

- alternatively, give ace people a rich life without needing any romantic relationships. dont let their lack of ra romantic relationship be a point of conflict in the story that requires the characters to "resolve" it.

- oh, this is a really difficult one to describe, but part of realizing you're asexual is realizing the absence of something you've never experienced. Because aces aren't like... you don't look at a girl one day and think "oh fuck im ace." you never experience sexual attraction while everyone around you does, but if you didn't grow up with the language to describe asexuality, you just assume that they experience attraction the same as everyone else. Eventually, ace people have to realize that that's not the case. There's a great ace tiktoker (a/mikkvelden) who used the term "presence of absence" to describe this.

- a lot of aces I know started off identifying as bi, because they felt the same level of attraction to everyone, only to later realize that the level of attraction they felt was actually no attraction at all.

This is getting long, so I'm gonna stop here. But hopefully I said something here that was helpful, and you are very welcome to ask me more questions as you have them :)