#and on one hand- I do think this is ... healthier? less distressing? than anxious attachment

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

every now and then I am reminded that jesus christ my attachment style is extremely disordered. I'm like if anxious attachment was being hidden by avoidant attachment. It's not even like... normal avoidant attachment? despite that being what I largely identify with. Because I talk to other people with avoidant attachment styles and I'm like ??? bruh what the fuck are you talking about 'I don't need other people' everyone needs other people.

[inkblotsandeggshells]

Me and my Shadow

Hey everyone,

Lee had encouraged me to talk about my experiences with shadow work. So I decided to do so here. It would be a long blog to describe how my shadow work process has gone, but I can give a few details as to how it helps me and what tools I use for the purpose.

I should probably give a little bit of a back story first.

I grew up in a religious family, so I had never been encouraged to dig deep into my shadow and my inner darkness until I became an adult and moved to Georgia for a job. Regardless, my shadow would show itself through different aspects of my personality, from my anxiety and over-sensitivity as a child  to my pride and judgmental attitude as a teenager.  I think it also came out in my fear of violence, gore, and the creepiness attached to the holiday Halloween.  As a kid, whenever my mom took me to a grocery store during October, I would cling to her side with my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to look at the lines of masks in the aisles. If I looked at anything that scared me for too long, the images would get stuck in my head and it would lead to nightmares.

Even as an adult, I still don’t enjoy horror in any form of media, and although I enjoy action movies, the violence in dramas bothers me more than a superhero battle. I think this is because in dramas, the kind of violence displayed there can be more likely to occur in daily life. You’d be more likely to see people yelling and hitting each other than see a man smash through a brick wall with his bare hands.

However, when I moved to Georgia and met more women who have similar sensitivities, they taught me a few different ways of raising your vibration to maintain a healthier state of being. The topic of shadow work eventually came up. Here’s how I would define shadow work: it’s the process of recognizing and reconciling those unlikable parts of you, the parts that have been ignored or rejected for one reason or another. In my case, being a quiet, anxious girl who closes her eyes to scary pictures was somewhat unpopular. If I cried or walked away from a scene in a movie that distressed me, I’d get laughed at, because my mom and siblings saw it as me taking it too seriously. Additionally, I also had a judgmental streak and saw myself as being superior to other people who weren’t raised Christian, or who didn’t fit my definition of a Christian.

Shadow works helps me come face to face with those aspects of myself. While I am capable of doing so much incredible good, I am equally capable of doing evil. I’m not totally sure if I believe in past lives, but I do know that in this current one, I’ve both helped and hurt people, accidentally or on purpose.

During my education in magic and energetic vibrations, the women I met in Georgia taught me how certain crystals can help with shadow work.  For example, Lee encouraged me to use a selenite crystal to help bring some balance to my darker energies, so the nightmares would be less troubling.  I now have two, a rough one and a smooth one, and each night I put it under my pillow to help improve my sleep and give me better dreams.

Along with the selenite, I put at least one other crystal under my pillow. Most of the time, it’s a moonstone, because the energy is gentler and more soothing than previous crystals I’ve tried. For example, a gabbro or Mystic Merlinite would give me headaches if I kept it on me for too long. SO the moonstone has been a breath of fresh air.

However, for specific shadow work, I’ve also enjoyed using a black moonstone. I bought one when I was in Portland, and it has a darker coloring than a normal moonstone, hence the name. I’ve used it to meditate with on nights of the new moon to help me acknowledge where growth still needs to happen and what I may be ignoring about myself. As a dream crystal, it can be even more affective for dream recall than my normal moonstone, though that may be because it’s used less frequently.

Lastly but never least, if I really want to work on crap that needs to be addressed, I ask for help from guides.  I found out about one of them while I was in Sandy Springs, taking a free class on tarot and oracles cards. At the time, Lee has brought in a deck with heavy Celtic Druid influence that featured spirit animal guides. The other students and I got to flip through a few of these cards and the picture of the Boar stood out to me. I admit I was a little bummed that it wasn’t a more popular spirit animal, like a hawk or a wolf.  But the image of the Boar still fascinated me. When we meditated later during the class, that same animal appeared again in my daydream. This one was huge, standing as tall as my shoulder, and very dark, with what looked like a gold ring on its nose. After talking more with Lee about it, we deduced that he was specifically meant to guide me with my shadow self, to help me see who I really am when all the facades are removed. Sometimes those truths hurt to learn, and at other times they sound less impactful than they are, at first.  But the Boar gives me courage to face what scares me about me, and so much maturation has resulted from that, thanks to his help.

It’s been about a year since I started the journey, but I can’t say that I’m totally healed after working on my shadow self. For one thing, I still struggle to forgive people who shamelessly hurt me. I also tend to run painful memories through my head over and over again, filtering out the healthy moments shared with those who truly love me. I do like some darker books and movies, but I still have a limit with how much horror and eeriness I expose myself to.  It takes patience and courage to work on your shadow, and you may still have things to heal for years to come. But it’s still a part of you, and it needs to be acknowledged and loved, as much as any other part of you.

So how have you worked with your shadow over the years? What have you had to face about yourself? How have you begun to love those rejected parts of yourself?

[bloodbreadandtarot]

New Year Tarot Spread, 2019

Last year’s spread. Yes, a lot of it came to pass and it was awful, but we’re here.

Card 1: The previous year in summary The Moon

Illusion, fear, anxiety, subconscious, intuition

The Moon represents your fears and illusions and often comes out when you are projecting fear into your present and your future, based on your past experiences. You may have a painful memory that caused emotional distress, and rather than dealing with the emotions you pushed them down deep into your subconscious. Now, these emotions are making a reappearance, and you may find yourself under their influence on a conscious or subconscious level.

Card 2: What you have learned from the past year

The Wheel of Fortune

Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point

The Wheel of Fortune reminds you that the wheel is always turning and life is in a state of constant change. If you’re going through a difficult time rest assured that it will get better from here. Good luck and good fortune will make their return in time.

The Wheel of Fortune is also known as the wheel of karma and reminds you that ‘what goes around comes around.’ Be a kind and loving person to others, and they’ll be kind and loving to you. 

The Wheel of Fortune card asks you to be optimistic and have faith that the Universe will take care of your situation in the best way possible.

Card 3: What you aspire to in the next twelve months The Sun Reversed (I got this same card in this placement last year with a different deck, holy shit)

Happiness, joy, illumination, triumph delayed.

The Sun reversed can mean you are struggling to see the bright side of life. You may have experienced setbacks that damaged your enthusiasm and optimism and perhaps led you to question whether you can achieve what you set out to do. You may feel depressed or left out and are no longer enjoying what you are doing. Your direction and path ahead may appear clouded or distorted.

Nonetheless, the Sun is never a negative card, so this is only temporary. The obstacles you see can be easily removed if you put your mind to it. It may just take a bit more effort than usual.

Card 4: What empowers you in reaching your aspirations Eight of Wands Reversed

Delays, frustration, resisting change, internal alignment.

The Eight of Wands reversed suggests that you are charging ahead with an idea or plan, but you need to slow down and consider your next steps before continuing. You may be missing something in your haste and prone to making mistakes or poor decisions. Or, you may be rushing into things without a clear plan of where you are heading, instead investing time into insignificant tasks. Be careful of the ‘bright shiny object syndrome’ where, just as you get started on implementing one idea, another one comes to mind, and you quickly switch your focus. On the other hand, the reversed Eight of Wands may be a sign that you are aligning your resources so that you can actively pursue your goal. You are getting your life in order – physical health, emotional well-being, energy levels or spirituality – so that you are in a good position to move forward with your plans.

Card 5: What may stand in the way of reaching your aspirations Justice Reversed

Unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty

When Justice appears reversed, she asks if you if you are truly being honest with yourself about an area that seems to be out of balance. The root cause might be a lack of honesty or clarity concerning the issue confronting you. It takes courage to be honest with yourself. This is especially true when you are attached to a certain outcome. To get things back into harmonious equilibrium you must embrace and accept truth. Your truth can be found in your heart. It is far beneath your anxieties. It resides in a peaceful place, apart from emotion and attachments to outcomes.

Card 6: Your relationships and emotions in the coming year The Emperor Reversed

Domination, excessive control, lack of discipline, inflexibility.

The reversed Emperor calls on you to assess your relationship with power, control, authority, responsibility and discipline. Are you expressing too much or too little of these elements in your life right now? Are they working for you or against you?

Seek to find a solution where you lead from a place of personal power and enable others to do the same. 

Sometimes, the reversed Emperor asks you to stand up to authority. You may feel fed up with an overbearing boss or a hierarchical organisation and feel compelled to enter a more flexible and adaptive environment. You are sick of having to always work within the confines of a particular structure or way of doing things, and you want to break free from it.

Card 7: Your career, work, and finances Ace of Wands

Inspiration, new opportunities, growth, potential.

As an Ace, the Ace of Wands brings you pure potential, this time in the spiritual, energetic realm. Ideas are flowing to you easily and effortlessly. You feel motivated and inspired to pursue a new path. And you are open to receive new opportunities that are in alignment with you. A whole new world of possibility is opening up for you.

The Ace of Wands offers you encouragement to follow your heart and live your passion. If you are feeling a strong calling towards a new project or path, but are questioning whether it will work or not, then this card gives you a gentle nudge to follow your passion.

Card 8: Your health and well-being The Lovers

Love, harmony, relationships, values alignment, choices.

In this card, there is a balance of energy. When two people come together, they are stronger than one.

Use this balancing energy and the love of the people around you to guide you as you make decisions about your health.

You won’t be any good to anyone if you are unhealthy, ill, or in pain. You must take care of yourself, but you don’t have to go it alone. Ask for help and find a committed partner to support you as you make these life changes.

Card 9: Your spiritual energy and inner fulfillment Ace of Pentacles Reversed

Scarcity, deficiency, instability, insecurity.

The Ace of Pentacles reversed can indicate that you may be allowing fears of scarcity or not having what you need influence your behaviour and causing you to act in a stingy and greedy manner. You may have more resources leaving your life than you have coming in when it appears.

It can also indicate that the loss of the security of a previous relationship may be leaving you feeling vulnerable and anxious.

In a spiritual context, the Ace of Pentacle reversed indicates that you may be missing opportunities for spiritual growth or that focus on material matter may be delaying your spiritual development or sending you off course on your spiritual path. Try to refocus on your true spiritual self rather than focusing on material possession or wealth.

Card 10: What you most need to focus on for the year ahead The Devil Reversed

Releasing limiting beliefs, exploring dark thoughts, detachment

The reversed Devil calls on you to confront your inner fears and anxieties to free yourself from the chains that bind you to your limiting beliefs and unhealthy attachments. Eliminate those things you know are harmful to you and your inner psyche. It may be about creating a healthier diet, watching less television, quitting smoking, spending more time with your loved ones, or focusing more on your goals. Take this opportunity to bring about positive change in your life by staying focused on the ultimate goal of freedom.

The Devil reversed can also appear when you are going into your deepest, darkest places – whether or not you are ready. When you take this path consciously, you do so with strength, confidence and courage. You seek to understand your innermost shadows so you can either release them or integrate them into your life in a more constructive way. When you do it unconsciously, or with resistance, it can be very confronting as you may begin to realise you are very different from who you thought you were. You may enter a period of anxiety or depression, or experiencing dark thoughts you struggle to understand. If this resonates, then please seek out a trained therapist to help you work through this time.

Card 11: What will be your most important lesson in the coming year Page of Pentacles Reversed

Lack of progress, procrastination, learn from failure

When the Page of Pentacles card appears reversed, it may point to your lack of focus. There is a possibility that you are being distracted with lots of things. Try to borrow the talents of this page and focus your mind before moving on the next thing.

It may also indicate that you need to give yourself a break to refresh your mind. With regards to work, the Page of Pentacles reversed may signify that you are currently feeling overwhelmed due to the heavy demands in your workplace. Remember that it is always better to ask for assistance and complete the work rather than to try to finish it all by yourself and end up failing to do so.

Card 12: Overall, where are you headed in the next twelve months Nine of Swords Reversed

Inner strength, self-doubt, low energy, raw emotion.

If you have recently experienced a setback, you may be vulnerable and lacking in self-confidence. Know that your core strength will always be with you and now is as good a time as any to reconnect with this power. In fact, you may hold more strength and resilience than you give yourself credit for – so, be kind to yourself. You can also reinvigorate your self-assurance and self-esteem by collecting evidence from your past that proves you have what it takes to succeed and overcome these temporary challenges.

2019′s reading almost seems more intimidating than 2018, which I didn’t think was possible. 2018 was a rough year for me, but if the cards are to be believed again it doesn’t exactly look like smooth sailing ahead for this upcoming year, either.

My plans for the year:

I took a break from school, and I did not move out of Texas (yet). I hope to achieve some of the goals I put on hold last year. I’m content with my job now, but I still see it as a stepping stone for my future ambitions. My friends are still talking about moving to Denver, but we’ll see about that.

I want to finish my thesis.

I want to maintain the healthy connections I have and continue to nourish them.

I am happy with my job, and I’m happy with where I live, but if a good opportunity presents itself, I want to be brave enough to pursue it.