#and ofc she was in the worst possible room to showcase it

[grimfolks]

Maya bought a lottery ticket and actually won??? The wealthy family is getting even more wealthier wtf

[1dcraftawards]

MARCH AOM

Hello everyone! It is time to reveal who our author of the month is! They will be revealed below along with an interview we conducted with them! Hope you enjoy x

-1D Craft Awards Team

And our March Author of the Month is.....

@marisa-writes​!!!

Questions:

1. Did you start writing fanfiction for One Direction, or was there another fandom that you wrote fanfiction for before this?

Before I found my way to One Direction fanfiction, I wrote Jonas Brothers fanfiction for a few years and I loved it immensely! I wouldn’t still be writing fic to this day if not for the relationships I built in that fandom, and the love I received both from my readers and my writing friends. I’ve been sharing my writing online for about ten years now, which is crazy to me. It was my connection to people I met through JBFA that led me to eventually make my way to 1DFF, though I was a very casual reader and not a writer in the beginning. I was also a casual fan of 1D at the time, definitely into their music but not planning to dive in much beyond that. Oh, how the tables have turned...

2. How old were you when you started writing fanfiction?

In 6th grade, my friends and I used to share the joy of writing this fake gossip column between us in which we were the members of this epic girl band. We would write about all of our exploits in the band and in our fictional personal lives, where we were  - obviously - dating famous people, like members of ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys. In 7th grade, I wrote pages and pages of stories on loose-leaf paper about myself and my friends and threw in my celebrity crush of the moment as a love interest, so I suppose those stories were my first attempts at writing fanfiction.

This was in the early 2000s, so I didn’t really know my way around finding fanfics on the internet until a couple of years later, but aside from these self-insert stories, the first piece of fanfiction I remember writing with original characters was a Justin Timberlake one I wrote during my freshman year of high school. I kept it in a spiral that I decorated with pictures of Justin and my “face claim” - before face claims had a name - for my original character, Jamie (to show my age, her face claim was Samantha Mumba). I still have that notebook and know exactly where it is. I pull it out every once in a while to remind myself of the journey my writing has taken, because WOW, was that story bad! But I’d never be where I am if I hadn’t written it!

3. What’s been your favorite fic you’ve written to work on so far?

What a terrible question. Asking me to choose between my stories is a lot like asking me to choose between my non-existent children!

I have thoroughly enjoyed writing all of the projects I’ve shared so far, but the summer that I wrote the sangria series was like magic. Teyana and Niall came out of a couple days’ worth of me listening to one of my favorite R&B artists, Jon B., on repeat, and after one lengthy one-shot in which I’d put a lot of thought into their back-story as well as the one I was telling in that particular piece, I was a goner for them. While writing that series, I was an endless well of inspiration and I enjoyed creating those characters and spending so much time in their world.

The Different Strokes series has been the gift that keeps on giving for a few years now, and the joy that’s come from showcasing Liam and Georgia’s love for one another as their family grows has pleased me immensely.

I also feel very similarly about one of my one-shots, goodnight, good morning. Creatively, it was just an absolute joy to write and I can’t help but regard it with fondness whenever I think about it. It came out of left field for me, but my love of the stuck-in-the-elevator trope combined with my love of Liam in nice winter coats made for a piece of writing I am super proud to say I’ve written.

4. Is there a fic that you really wanted to write, but you just never did?

I have a plethora of barely-started fics that just sit taunting me in my Google Docs. The two that haunt me the most are Basketball Jones, an AU in which Liam is a point guard playing on the same university team as my OFC Tionne’s twin brother, Amari, and Roots, in which newly-solo Liam is stoked when presented with the opportunity to work with a legendary soul artist named Maurice Collins to complete his album, but the project ends up getting passed off to Maurice’s daughter Cleo instead. Both stories are the kind you wish would write themselves because you just want them to be out there in the world, you know? But alas, I suppose I have to do the work myself, and I just haven’t been able to get either project to take off just yet.

5. What’s your favorite trope to write?

ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS! God, I’m such a sucker for it. I know a lot of people are fans of the build-up and all the angst and heartache and reconciliation that comes with it, but I’m always the one at the end going, “So what’s next?” I love to see what happens past the happy (or sometimes, not-so-happy) ending. There is so much to be told in what happens between a pairing when they’re committed and figuring out how to be together, and I adore being able to showcase that, especially because it’s not something you see as often as other tropes in fic.

6. What’s your ideal space to write in?

I like writing in my room. It’s quiet, peaceful, my own space. Sometimes I’ll sit on my bed; other times, I like to kick back in my chair in the corner where my lights are hung - my little reading/writing/tv-watching nook - and I’ll prop my feet up on my ottoman and do some writing with a nice cup of tea. I like to be as relaxed as possible, so I can really let my mind wade through all the lines of dialogue and scenes that I want to write.

7. What inspires you to write?

All sorts of things. For many years, it was music. I used to require music playing when I wrote, but I write in silence more often than not now. Still, music is a heavy inspiration for me - there are stories to find even in the songs that don’t seem like, lyrically, they’d provide any. But the mind is a powerful thing, and so is music, and when the two work together, magic tends to happen.

I also find inspiration in the world around me, and in the things I read. I’m a big fan of studying how people interact with one another. Relationships - familial, platonic, or romantic - are fascinating to me, and I love to write about how people react to the others around them, or the environment around them. I believe certain people and places come into your life exactly when they’re meant to for reasons you may or may not understand at the time, but they’re always important in your journey, and I love to write about that.

As a black woman, having the opportunity to continuously write about black women is also a huge inspiration for me, which is something you’ll notice in looking at the original female characters I write. One of my favorite authors, Alyssa Cole, is a black woman who has written both historical and contemporary romances, and she floors me with every piece of hers that I read because the diversity she includes in every story is encompassing and feels effortless. She paints a picture of what our diverse world looks like or has looked like in the past with every novel or novella she writes, and she inspires me to use my words to share stories that feature black women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds at the center because it’s important to me to see incredible black women having their stories told. Alyssa’s diversity doesn’t stop at just black characters, either, which is even more marvelous to me. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and I always joke that I want to be her when I grow up, but let’s be real, I’m not joking.

8. Do you typically like to listen to music when you write? If so, what do you listen to?

I inadvertently just answered this question! Back in my must-listen-to-music days, I would put Jason Reeves’ The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache (And Other Frightening Tales…) on repeat. That album in itself tells a story from start to finish of falling in love, being in love, getting your heart broken, and starting over, and there was something in the magic of Jason’s lyrics and musicality that used to wring endless sparks of inspiration from me. Whenever I felt stuck, I would turn that album on and the words would flow. Nowadays, I tend to find comfort in the quiet, but if a particular song or collection of songs has inspired something I’ve written, like Jon B. did with sangria on your lips, or SoMo’s “For You” did with the one-shot of the same name, I’ll listen to whatever’s inspiring me on repeat.

9. Do you have any plans for any future fic ideas you’d like to pursue?

Nothing confirmed at the moment! If I could get those fics I have haunting me in my Google Docs to wander past small blurbs and vague plot ideas, that’d be wonderful. I’ll write fanfiction in this fandom as long as I’m inspired.

10. Do you have any advice for other writers in the fandom?

WRITE. FOR. YOU. Look at that again, read it over and over until it’s ingrained deep in your mind and heart. Don’t write with the goal in mind to gain ‘x’ number of readers, and don’t write to measure up to anyone else. We as writers are our own worst critics and conspiracy theorists, and we will come up with a hundred different reasons to stop writing when we’re discouraged or frustrated, or compare ourselves to others and consider them leagues above us. It is so easy to talk ourselves in circles of why we should quit because of whatever reasons we’ve decided on in that precise moment, but you know what? If you write, you started for a reason. It gave you feelings you’d never experienced before and wanted to chase so hard that they drove you to write something that came from your mind, your heart, your fingertips. Do you realize how extraordinary that is?

Nothing you write will ever mean much if you don’t write it for you. You can’t love to do this and pour your heart into your words if they aren’t ones that mean something to you. You are never going to please everyone that reads your writing, which is often a hard truth to swallow because we just want to be liked, and you will be by some! But it’s important that you write something you’ll be proud to attach your name to, because someone is going to be very pleased with it, but most importantly, you will be pleased with it. We grow and change as writers and so does our level of work, but looking back and cringing because maturity has made us better writers is not the same as looking back and cringing because what we wrote doesn’t reflect who we’ve been at any stage. Write to satisfy yourself at whatever place in life you’re in. No regrets when you look back.

11. What is your writing process like?

It very much depends on the project! One-shots are my bread and butter, and those are often things I can write in a breeze when I’m inspired. My one-shots are usually the lengthy type, more of a short-story packed into a smaller package, so writing them tends to go smoothest for me.

For my chaptered projects, or the ones that started as one-shots and turned into stories or series, it’s a slower process for me. I always have a general plot line and specific important moments in mind, but I’m not the outlining type at all - feels too stifling for me, and I like the freedom to adjust certain plot points when the process serves. If I’m full of inspiration and my life allows me the freedom to sit down and write away, I will! I’ve recently moved myself out of a life situation that was taking a lot of that creativity and peace of mind away from me, and I’m hoping to find my way back to some sort of constant stream of inspiration soon.

Author Specific:

1. Why would you say you’re more attuned to writing Liam and Niall out of all the boys? Would you ever write for Harry / Louis / Zayn?

Liam is the whole reason I wound up in this lovely mess. I became a fan of 1D’s music from the first album, but genuinely had no intention of going beyond that in terms of interest. I’d recently exited the Jonas Brothers fandom as a whole because the cattiness and pettiness of some fans was absolutely exhausting and I needed a break from fandom for a good while (or so I thought, as I eventually found myself neck-deep in the Big Time Rush fandom). Around 2013, though, Liam’s vocals, smile, and stage presence had me slowly turning into the eye emoji. And those who have known me for quite a while can probably recall the night in 2015 where I drank a lot of wine and looked at a lot of pictures of him on Tumblr and became a complete goner.

It took me a little bit to start writing about him, however. I’d been reading some 1D fic because a dear friend I’d met through JBFA had moved to writing 1D fic and I once told her I’d read Magic School Bus fanfiction if she wrote it, so I obviously followed her to 1DFF. As I became more interested in Liam, I started reading some Liam fics, trying to get a hang on his personality because at the time I wrote mainly OU and I love finding that authenticity. I also wanted to get a feel for writing characters who weren’t American, like I am. Eventually, I came up with some ideas, decided to get my feet wet, and started writing. I would say I’m attuned to writing Liam because in learning about him, I connected with him. I adore him as a person and an artist, and hardly anyone writes about him these days (which breaks my heart), so I continue to because he makes me happy and we could all use a little more Liam-centric stories in our lives.

As for Niall, I was blown away by the leaps and bounds of the growth of his vocal talent on Made in the A.M. He really shined on those songs for me, and when his solo career started rolling, I was mesmerized by the way he was going about it. Very deliberate with his choices, taking his time, warming everyone up to the magic he’d been possessing for years. I was floored by his magnetism both as a person and an artist, and it drew me to write about him. While it was completely unexpected because I’d been gone for Liam for quite some time, I don’t regret a single minute of it.

I would absolutely write for Harry, Zayn, or Louis if a story idea struck me. I actually started a Harry story that I stalled with big time because I scared myself out of confidence with the massiveness of writing a story with supernatural elements, but hey, maybe someday!

2. What is one moment from “Regarding Our Ghosts” that you never got to write but want to?

ROG, my OG baby! I’m unbelievably heartbroken that I haven’t been able to finish that fic, because it was a passion project, but it always holds such a solid place in my heart.

In the story, Liam and Lissie were meant to travel home to the UK to visit family for the winter holidays, while Nina and Macy went to see her mother, Noreen, for a few days around Christmas. Over the course of their time apart, I wanted to show how integrated their lives had started to become, with Lissie insisting that she and Liam buy presents for Macy and Nina to give when they returned, and Noreen inquiring after the father-and-daughter pair that Macy couldn’t stop talking about during their visit.

Once Liam returned, he was to drop by Nina’s to catch up with her and see if she needed some help with shoveling snow from the drive. There was a moment in which they laughed and joked and Liam’s laughter made Nina realize how much she’d missed him and it absolutely terrified her because she didn’t have the capacity to put a name to that feeling just yet. There’s a little snippet I wrote on an index card at the place where I used to tutor because it struck me mid-lesson, and I carried that index card in my wallet for years. It went:

He laughs, and oh—oh. His laugh. She missed his laugh. She missed this. She missed Liam.

The feeling settles low in the pit of her stomach, goopy and sweet, and she doesn’t know what to make of it. In her mind, there are little compartments where she sorts out her thoughts and emotions, and as she tries to sort this—that she missed Liam—she can’t. She doesn’t know where to put it.

So she lets it churn in her gut, thickening like a rue, until she can make up her mind.

It was such an important moment for them - a turning point, for Nina at least, realizing that this man she and her daughter had come to rely on in certain ways could be more than just a friend to her. That her feelings could be stronger, and she could maybe feel something for someone again after convincing herself she’d be happy alone if that’s what was meant for her.

Man, I miss that story something fierce, but it stays with me every day.

3. What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you started writing 1d fic?

That I would get in this deep. Ha. No, honestly, I’m glad that I didn’t have any expectations going in. That’s the best. You learn as you go. Similar to my time writing Jonas Brothers fic, I’ve built some pretty great friendships that I never would have if I hadn’t started writing 1D fic. I even made connections with people who read my Jonas Brothers fanfics but we’d never spoken until I started reading and writing 1D fic!

I’m grateful for the people this has brought into my life, and the opportunity I’ve had to go into this fandom and spend more time honing my craft and getting to shine a light on people of color in my stories, black women specifically. We are so often missing from fiction and that is true from the fanfiction world to the romance novels I read, but our stories are so important and real and as needed as everyone else’s, so I am excited beyond belief that I’ve been able to create several black female characters that have reached out and touched readers of all kinds. I’ve also been able to connect to other authors of color who, like me, write about people who look and think and live like them, and the sense of being seen as a person of color is overwhelming. I hope to see more of it in the future.

4. Who has been your favorite OFC to write? Why?

I’m gonna cheat a bit here because it’s a three-way toss-up between Georgia, Rolly, and Teyana.

Georgia means the world to me because in my previous fandom, I wrote a lot of white OFCs because that was just...what I saw and experienced, and to be honest, I didn’t really think about it much at first. Writing white characters was the “norm”. After a while, I noticed that in seeking out characters who looked like me, I encountered a lot of storylines that featured racism as a conflict between x Jonas Brother’s family and the OFC. It was hard to find stories in which characters were just human beings who happened to be black and faced conflict that had nothing to do with their race. So, I decided to write a story in which that was the case. It opened up my eyes to what I’d been failing to focus on, something that became super important to me the more I reflected on it: seeing black characters represented realistically and in a positive light in fanfiction.

When I eventually came to write 1D fic, I made a very conscious choice to feature black women at the center of my stories, and Georgia was the first. Through her, I was able to show a successful black woman who had started a family with the man she loved, and I was able to showcase little moments of Georgia’s experiences as a black woman that Liam had to learn about, like why she wrapped her hair at night. It sounds like such a small thing, but that was big for me - I couldn’t recall ever seeing that in the writing I’d read thus far, a black woman wrapping her hair at night, so I wrote it. Soon, I had readers coming to me who could relate and said they hadn’t seen it, either. I’ve also had non-black readers who have expressed how much they like the fact that I write about black women, that they enjoy reading stories that focus on people of color. The whole experience has been so moving for me.  It’s made me realize that I am not only doing something I love, but also doing something important.

Rolly Marshall is, in many ways, a reflection of me. I conjured her up when I was a few months into my first year of teaching and overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated beyond belief. She was an escape. I could channel all of the things I loved and dreaded about my job into her and her life, and it was like lifting a weight off my shoulders. Rolly loves her job, like I did, but her experience was one that I created to be more positive than the one I experienced, which has made it both easy and hard to write about her at times. But more than our mutual connection through education, I love Rolly because she feels so genuine to me. She’s awkward and kind-hearted and funny and a good friend to the people in her life. She’s just a good egg. I love her spirit and her humor and that’s a big part of what’s made her such a joy to write. I didn’t expect many people to latch on to her because how many people could really relate to a second grade teacher? To my great surprise, many.

Teyana surprised me with my attachment to her. She and Niall were meant to be a one-time thing, much like Liam and Georgia, but seeing as how those two turned into an eighteen-part thing PLUS a throwback mini-fic, I should’ve known better. It was while I was writing sangria on your lips that I found myself thinking about who Teyana was before she and Niall met. I couldn’t stop thinking about where she came from, building her past. She comes from a single parent home where her father raised her after her mom left. She carries scars from that, from the abandonment she felt when her mom moved on without so much as a single moment to look back. She clung to her Papi and his Cuban culture and grew up with the lessons he instilled in her, including one she taught herself from watching his heart break: that maybe there was no great “one” for her. But that changes when she meets Niall, who challenges everything she thought she could gain from a relationship. He’s truly a partner to her. He has a glimpse into what life is like when your parents aren’t together anymore, so he’s empathetic to what she feels in regards to her mom. He loves her unconditionally. He’s her match, and after years of convincing herself she may never find her match and she’ll be okay with that, Niall is a pleasant surprise, and honestly, he restores her faith in love. She learns she doesn’t need anyone else to make her life complete - her Papi raised her to find that completion all on her own - but having someone to share her life with is a pleasure she’s more than grateful to have.

5. Which one of your fic boys was your favorite to write? Why?

Different Strokes Liam has been my all-time favorite. He’s driven and passionate about his work, completely committed to his family, and there’s a warmth, humor, and sexiness to him that has made him so much fun to write since I began. I love that I can paint him as a complete and utter sop in one piece, a classic romantic in another, and a confident master of seduction in the next. He’s confident and often sure of himself but not immune to insecurities. He’s got different facets, and I love getting to focus on each one at different times as the series shifts.

The Different Strokes series was something that spawned from what was supposed to be a stand-alone one-shot, but I found myself attached to the little family I built for Liam, Georgia, and their son Carter, and my mind expanded upon writing little snippets of them - glimpses of them as Carter grew, as their lives changed, as their family expanded. I am a big fan of established relationships, and I grew so attached to watching Liam mature and change as both a father and a husband. Liam in real life seems to have such a compassionate heart, and before he even became a father, I had a good feeling that he would be a great one and getting to write about him as both a father to his children and a partner to his wife has been such a joy. And with Checkpoints, my mini-fic in the series, I’ve been able to go back to when he and Georgia first met and began seeing each other and it’s been nothing but fun to write!

If not for DS Liam, I wouldn’t have fallen as in love with writing 1D fic as I have, so I am grateful every day for the opportunity I’ve had to expand upon his character and the incredible life he’s built for himself. Writing him has led to writing many other projects that I adore, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for me as a writer.

[sapphicscholar]

hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives. 

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story) 

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning 

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the  obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process 

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by 

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online 

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health. 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads 

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry 

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist) 

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning 

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online) 

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history 

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature 

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive) 

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family   

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online 

Anything by Dorothy Alison 

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history  

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few: 

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC) 

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US) 

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once) 

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well) 

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple 

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical) 

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS 

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!

[avidfanficwriter]

Unforeseen Circumstances

Jeremy Renner X OFC.

Summary: “How would he explain it to the child? How would he explain it to Willa? Years together and now it’s all gone. There’s no way, Willa would never forgive him. How could she look at him and still feel love. He stands up facing Julienne, his heart in his throat  and words coming out of his mouth before he realizes. “Will you Marry Me?” Jeremy stares at her in silence, unsure of what answer he wants from her. If he even should be asking that question. He had to ask her, it was the right thing to do. Even if she wasn’t the one he loved. “

Rated: T.

Warnings: Unfaithfulness, break up, depression; Language, Baby Mama Drama. 

Authors Note: I actually forgot all about this story, this chapter and the second chapter have been sitting in my drafts for apparently six months. Plus this was suppose to be a Reader fic but god i got so bloody tired of writing in that view so, it’s OFC. Hope ya’ll enjoy. 

Chapter 1. Chapter 2.  Chapter 3. 

Willa’s eyes leave the laptop screen with a wide grin on her lips. “Guess what the new rumor is?” She says, turning to face her boyfriend of ten years, Jeremy Renner.

He doesn’t move or even acknowledge that she spoke. He’s lost in the new script he’s just received. “Babe?”

“Yeah?” He responds, his head lifting from the script to face her, his eyes lighting up when they meet hers. 

“Did you hear me?”

“No.” he says, refocusing his attention back to the script

She chuckles, “Guess what the new rumor is about you?”

‘Hmm?” 

Willa turns back to the laptops screen, reading the title of the article. “Jeremy Renner cheats on longtime girlfriend with dumb bimbo model.” she chuckles finding it amusing. It was one of their shared interests, reading the ridiculous headlines that the gossip articles wrote to attract attention. Now that Jeremy had his name attached to ‘Avengers’ movie he was getting more gossip spreading about him than every before.p>

Jeremy lifts his head from the script, his face goes white as his breath hitches in his throat. His eyes slowly move back to her and he smiles slightly. “Oh?” 

“Yeah, Apparently, you two have been a thing for a few weeks now.” 

“Is that so?” 

Willa smiles, her eyes continue to read the article; her smile never leaving. 

Jeremy’s eyes linger on Willa for a while longer, he’s panicking. Fighting his heart rate and the beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. His jaw clenches as he tried to refocus his attention to the script ahead of him. Jeremy stares at the paper desperate to read the words though it’s no use as they blur, each letter going in and out of focus. He breathes deeply, trying to regain his composure. 

“I’m gotta take a shower babe.” Jeremy finally says, tossing the script onto the glass coffee table. Willa nods in response, her attention to still on the article. Jeremy quietly walks up the stairs, his chest rising and falling with each deep breath he takes. It’s like a cartoon, his stomach bubbling with nausea, his heart breaking off as he goes up the stairs; his eyes filling with enough tears to fill a pool. 

He didn’t plan this, he didn’t even plan to hide it from Willa. It just happened, plain and simple. A piss poor excuse but that was the truth. A single moment turned into something more. 

From that it continued, A month turned into two and before he knew it, he was a failure. A failure as a boyfriend. A failure as a man. It was his biggest mistake, the biggest regret he would ever find himself committing. He wasn’t a child, he could atone for his mistakes but they continued. One missed date, one missed event and soon after he’d missed their anniversary. All because of another woman. 

A woman that would never compare to Willa. A woman would meant nothing to him.  By the time, he reached the upstairs bathroom, he locked the door, and was resting his back on the cold wood.   He pulled out his cell phone and entered his pass code, a new feature he’d added on. Yet another thing he’d lied to Willa about.

“Where’s your phone, Jer? I have to call my boss and my phone is completely shot.” Willa says coming down the stairs, dressed in nothing but a tank top and yoga pants. Jeremy is lost in her appearance, figure fitting clothing that showed every curve, he face make up less showcasing her natural beauty. “Jer?”

“Oh, it’s on the counter.” He points in front of him to the kitchen. Willa walks past Jeremy who's laying on the couch, passing the time as he watches crappy tv. 

“Since. When do you have a lock?” Her voice forces his eyes to shoot open

“Oh, some of the guys kept trying to go through my phone for the past week so I put a lock on it so they couldn’t get in.” He feels like he deserves a pat on the back for how quickly he thought of that trick. 

“I will never understand men.” Willa says shaking her head. “Pass code is?” “2982.” 

Jeremy scrolls through his contacts, searching for the pseudonym name that he put ‘her’ under.

‘Oscar.’

He stares at the contact information for a while deciding if he should call her or text her. He opts for a text. Fearing that Willa may pass by and overhear a part of the conversation that she never should. 

Jeremy tosses the phone onto the counter, proceeding to start the shower.  He raises his hand to his face, rubbing his eyes while starring at his reflection in the mirror. He pulls his shirt off tossing it on the floor when his phone chimes. He grabs the phone quickly, reading the text message.

He let’s out a sharp exhale, shaking his head

‘Oscar’ responds quicker this time, Jeremy doesn’t even have a time to put his phone down before he received two responses

Jeremy groans, loudly. The small bathroom is beginning to fill with steam, clouding his mirror and his phone screen. He doesn’t have to think of what to say, Willa means more to him than he would ever be able to admit and he wasn’t going to do anything else to mess it up. He responds:

This time before the response is received, Jeremy manages to get out of his jeans. He walks to the shower and grips the waist band of his briefs when the phone chimes again.

Jeremy stares at the phone is disbelief, the woman he’d meet months ago was nicer, sweeter not an ounce of bad blood in her body. He doesn’t argue, he can’t argue, if she’s willingly to inform the media about their relationship who knows how far she would take it, if he refused her again. 

Jeremy tosses his phone into the counter, he hears the sound of glass shatter, not caring at all. 

After Jeremy finishes his shower, he returns downstairs to find Willa sitting on the leather sofa watching television. He walks behind her, wrapping his arms around her chest and planting a kiss on her head. It feels wrong when not even half an hour ago he was talking to the woman he cheated on her with. When here in front of him, the woman whose hands were holding his, the one he called his for ten years, he’d hurt in the worst way possible and couldn’t bring himself to confess to it.

He didn’t want to see the pain on her face. The tears that would fall. How her bottom lip would quiver while she tried to speak. When she couldn’t hold back her emotions and her hands would grip her shirt. He couldn’t imagine causing her pain.  

“Are you hungry?” She asks, nudging her head against his chest.

“No.” He says, quietly.

“I have to stay late tomorrow.”

“What?”

“We have to do night scene tomorrow and they want us to come in the same time but stay late as well.”

“Oh.” Willa says, shaking her head. “I don’t understand actors.”

Jeremy smiles, “That’s what everyone who works in an office says.”

“I enjoy my job. A lawyer’s life is fulfilling and I can be home at normal times unlike someone.”

The rest of the night went by smoothly, the pair sat on the couch for the remainder of the night. Falling asleep in each other’s arms, Jeremy had one hand wrapped with her waist and the other entangled in her hair. The leather couch they owned was their least favorite piece of furniture, it could be comfortable for an hour but after any exposed skin would stick to it. Or there would be an outline of your body imprinted on the couch.l Yet when the two fell asleep on it, the discomforts no longer caused conflict.Willa nuzzled gently into Jeremy’s chest and his arms wrapped tightly around her. Willa is awoken by a constant buzzing, shaking the glass coffee table it rested on. She pulls the phone from the table, reading the name. Her hand softly shakes Jeremy awake holding the phone near him.

“Yeah?”

“Oscar is calling you.” Jeremy nods in response, slowly drifting back to sleep. 

Willa smiles and places the still vibrating cell phone on his chest, Jeremy gasps in response grabbing the phone off his body. He lazily holds the phone to his ear,  desperately trying to not succumb to sleep. A woman’s voice begins speaking and instantly he realizes who he’s talking too. He shoots up, sitting and nearly knocking Willa off of the couch with the movement. He holds her head into his chest as a sign of apology before slowly getting off the couch. Willa watches him as he uses his opposite hand to point to the phone, Jeremy leaves the living room retreating to the Office, he closes the french doors and locks them. He then moves further away from the door as he possible can, backing himself into a corner.

“Why are you calling me?” He whispers, his eyes focused on the doorknob.

She scoffs. “I changed my mind. You need to come over here tonight.”

Jeremy closes his eyes, “Tonight? Are you crazy? I can’t tonight. I already came home.”

“You need to come over here.” She insists.

Jeremy leans his back on the wall and exhales deeply, “I can’t.” He pleads.

“You need to come over here now!” She shouts and Jeremy obliges. He stuffs the phone into his pocket and walks to the door. He holds the door handle in his hand and takes a few deep breath. It’s another lie he has to create another excuse he has to make.

Jeremy walks out of the room and leans on the door frame, he smiles at Willa who’s curled up in a ball, her eyes closed. She looks like she is sound asleep, resting peacefully.

“You awake?” He asks, Willa nods her head ‘No.’

“I have to go. They need us to go over out contracts. So we have to do it tonight while the main producer is in town.”

Willa nods and gives him a small smile, still refusing to open her eyes. She’s tried he doesn’t blame her but he’s glad that he won’t have to look her in the eyes and lie to her once again.

“I love you.” She whispers, quietly.

“I love you too.”

As Jeremy, made his way to ‘her’ home, he felt wrong. The road wasn’t right, the route was longer; his heart beat at a ragged pace. He didn’t feel like a man. He promised himself that the last time he was with her would indeed be that, the last. He wouldn’t associate with her. That was the end of that. 

He arrives and she doesn’t give him any time for warning, ‘her’ Julienne takes little time to hit him with the news. 

“I’m pregnant.” The words stun Jeremy, he steps back, stumbling. He lands on the couch and is speechless. He doesn’t ask her if it’s his or even if she's’ positive shes’ pregnant he was raised better than that. As a child, he was always told nothing happens that you can’t handle. He sits back and begins to panic.

“How far along?” he asks, quietly.

“A few weeks.” Jeremy nods, resting his hand on his chin. He’s happy and disappointed in himself. He’s just hurt the only woman he’s ever loved and now he’s never going to take it back. the news of fatherhood brought a smile to his face but this wasn’t how he wanted it. He’d always pictured it with Willa, that she’d be the one who surprised him with the news. He was going to have a child with the wrong woman.

How would he explain it to the child? How would he explain it to Willa? Years together and now it’s all gone. There’s no way, Willa would never forgive him. How could she look at him and still feel love. He stands up facing Julienne, his heart in his throat  and words coming out of his mouth before he realizes. “Will you Marry Me?” Jeremy stares at her in silence, unsure of what answer he wants from her. If he even should be asking that question. He had to ask her, it was the right thing to do. Even if she wasn’t the one he loved. 

Julienne takes a moment to think, she smiles. “Yes.” The young woman is happy, smiling beyond belief. 

Neither of the two think of Willa or the situation they’ve now found themselves in. It’s the future, he’ll have to focus on now. A future without his true love. A future where, he’s thrown everything he’s ever cared about away for the wrong girl.

It doesn’t take long for a feeling of nausea to hit Jeremy as he holds Julienne in his arm, he loosens his grip on the younger woman and is back on the couch in seconds, she’s speaking about their wedding. Jeremy stayed the night at Julienne’s home, drowning himself in alcohol; begging that when he woke up this would have just been a cruel dream.

The next morning, Julienne tells him about a doctor’s appointment she has scheduled for the baby, that she’s excited for him to go. She’s overly happy, the happiest he’s ever seen. 

He spends three days holding off the information from Willa, every minute he found her eyes on his own, his heart broke just a little more. He loved her, there was no doubt about that, she was his world but he’d ruined everything. 

Jeremy and Willa were in the bedroom, he was watching her get ready for work. Dressing to perfection as she paid little to no attention to him. When she sits down next to Jeremy to put on her heels he feels his heart catch in his throat. 

He watches her, “I cheated on you.” He confesses. Willa expression changes, her eyes grow wide and a look of confusion capturing her face as she slowly turns her head to look into his eyes. 

“What?” she asks in a quiet voice. 

He clears his throat, hiding his eyes. “I cheated on you.” 

Willa mouth drops open slightly, her hand coming up to run through her hair as she stares at Jeremy. “Okay.” She says, slowly she slips out of her heel and rises to her feet standing in front of him. 

Jeremy watches a collection of emotions overcome her face. She puts her hand up to her mouth while Jeremy stares at her. 

“Alright… w-w-we can work through this.” Willa says, nodding her head. 

Jeremy takes a deep breathe, “No.” is all he says, in a low voice. 

“What?” he can hear the sound of her heart break in her voice and the sound of her heart shattering following. 

“I asked her to marry me.” Jeremy says, in another low voice. 

Her breath catches in her throat, her jaw quivering as she stares at him. Her eyes full of tears. “Y-You what?” She breathing deeply, taking yet another step back. “You did what?” Her voice breaks. 

“She’s pregnant with my child.” Jeremy argues. 

“What about me? What about us?” It’s the last word that makes her realize what’s happening. Just  what Jeremy’s intentions are. There was never going to continue on being them. 

That night, Jeremy felt like less of a man. He’d broken nearly every rule he’d set out to have in his adult life. The woman, he’d spend ten years of his life with was going to be left alone to mend the broken pieces of her heart. He listened to her beg, to her hold onto his shirt and beg him to not leave. She tried everything, she could to make him stay. This woman–his woman was fighting for him. 

“Jer… Jeremy, please.” She begs, her tears falling rapidly. Her hands balled up in his shirt as he sits on the bed. He looks at the floor, knowing fully well if he were to look Willa in the eyes, he’d break. He too would cry. “I love you.” She whispers, pulling him into her. Wrapping her hands around his back and leaning her head against his. 

Jeremy looks towards the ceiling, trying to blink away the tears. He lets one hand wrap around her, holding her while she cries. He places a small kiss on her shoulder and another on her cheek before standing up, holding her against him. They embrace one another, Willa knowing she’s lost Jeremy. 

It hurts. The pain courses throw her body and the tears don’t stop. She doesn’t want to let him go, she doesn’t want him to leave, she wants him to stay. To take it all back. She wishes her were a crappy man who didn’t care about his ‘child’ but it’s selfish, even she knows that. Willa just wishes, she didn’t have to loose the only man she’d come to love. 

Jeremy’s hand unravel from her body, his tear stained shirt sticking to his body as he begins to walk away. The sobs from Willa haunting him as he makes his way out of the home. It was their last interaction, she was his weakness. He knew, given the opportunity, he would run back to her but he couldn’t do that. he had a child on the way and needed to do what was best for the child. 

Jeremy and Julienne spent three miserable years together, she was the one to end it. Serving Jeremy with Divorce papers while he was away filming. When he returned home, she was gone along with their daughter, Macy. He tried for three weeks to make her stay, promising he would be a better man but nothing worked. Neither of them were happy and their child was suffering. He knew that but he didn’t want their daughter to grow up in a broken home. 

In the beginning, he dreaded sleeping in the same bed with her, he dreaded having to hold her in his arms at times he hated even the sound of her breathing. Even putting his hand on her swollen stomach when she was pregnant was something he hated doing.  Things had drastically changed the day she left for good, he longed for her. The bed seemed empty, cold even. The house was quieter and he missed the smell of her perfume. 

A year after she moved out, their divorce was finalized, they would share joint custody of Macy, Julienne getting Macy the majority of the time and Jeremy getting her on any of his days off. It worked, Julienne and Jeremy getting along for the most part. 

Of course, they still had their fights as well as the unfortunate moments of passion where they’d wind up in bed together but it meant little to him. In reality, he still longed for Willa. He’d looked into the eyes of his child and wished they resembled Willa’s instead of Julienne. 

This small child who he loved to death, who was his entire world shared DNA with a woman he would never truly love. 

Their daughter nearing six was now school and learning everything there was about the world. Julienne however had married again with her second child on the way and her new husband trying to take on the role of father far more than need be. With a  new sibling on the way and a new stepfather, it meant the young child’s curiosity was peaking in regards to Jeremy and her mother’s relationship. 

This week was Jeremy’s and he was more than happy to spend it with her. She was becoming her own little person, a beautiful personality and a wonderful child. Everything Jeremy had hoped for. They’re getting ready for dinner as Macy sits at the table playing with a set of zoo animals when he pushes the toys out of the way for her food. 

“Do you love mommy?” His young daughter asks as she leans over the plate of pasta, Jeremy’s placed in front of her. His breath catches in his throat at the question. 

“Why do you ask that sweetie?” he asks, sitting next to her. He watches the small brunette use her fork to play with the noodles. 

“Because Lilly said that her mom said that you and mommy didn’t love each other. That you two only were together because you had a baby.” her voice is low. 

It’s another bombshell that nearly causes him to forget how to breathe. He knew this day would come but he hoped that she was older when she posed the question or better yet she wouldn’t ever ask. He held his hands close to his mouth as he stared at her clueless as to what to say. 

“Baby, see…It’s–It’s–It’s complicated.” He says closing his eyes. “You’ll understand when you’re older.” 

“Mommy says she didn’t love you.” she says barely audible. 

“What?” 

“Mommy told my other daddy that she didn’t love you.” Jeremy bites his lip, anger brewing in his body as he stares at his own plate of pasta in disbelief. These past few years weren’t easy, custody battle after custody battle that took it’s toll. It seemed that every time he and Julienne found themselves in a room together a fight ensued and back to court the pair went. Even with her new marriage and her new baby on the way, something was bound to tick her off and he would be at fault. 

As he sat at his dinner table and looked at his young daughters face who was desperately trying to understand the conversation, he had no words. No way of fixing what was said. She was right both Macy and Julienne. 

Julienne didn’t love him. 

And he didn’t love her. 

She was a mistake and a child was born because of it. You can’t explain that to a child, let alone a five year old. This situation that the three found themselves in would never be easy to understand. 

He didn’t answer his daughter, he changed the subject but the words repeated in his mind, just the knowledge that Julienne would confess that in front of their daughter. That her friends parents were discussing their lives. it ate at him.

Their week together seemed less enjoyable, every waking moment Jeremy found himself thinking of what he would say to Julienne, how the situation would progress. Sunday came quicker than he expected and her mother and step-father showed up at his door. 

“Is Macy ready?” Julienne asks with a hand on her stomach. 

He has to bite his tongue to point of blood seeping into his mouth from not saying anything. The things he could say to this woman. It was bad enough her new hubby was forcing his daughter to refer to him as ‘Daddy’ but now she was talking about him behind his back with Macy in earshot. 

Only after her, ‘Daddy’ leaves to put Macy in the car does he mention it. “What are you saying to Macy about us?”

She looks at him with a dead stare, “The truth.”

“Which is?” 

“That we screwed around and Macy was born.” Jeremy was in no way a perfect man, this entire situation had proved that. Yet in the eyes of his daughter, he never wanted her to think less of him, he never wanted be less of  a man. 

Julienne taps her foot, annoyed while Jeremy stands still, Macy’s bag in his hand and trying to remain clam and collected. 

“Why are you telling her that? She’s a child.” 

“She asked about us.” Julienne shrugs her shoulder, oblivious to the issues Jeremy sees. 

“Asked or not, she didn’t kneed to know that.” 

“I’m not going to lie to her.”

“She’s a child, Julienne. She doesn’t need to know how we got together.”

“What you mean that her daddy is a lying cheating bastard?” Julienne says,  turning up her nose. 

If looks could kill, Jeremy’s was close to it. He stared at her with disgust. “Dont you dare pull that card, Your’re just as guilty as i am.:”

The words do little to phase her, she stares blankly at him, almost annoyed. Jeremy doesn’t know what to say or how to feel, there are so many things he could spout at her. The choices are unlimited.

yet like a timer goes off, Julienne rips the child’s bag out of his hand and drops yet another bombshell. “By the way, i need you to sign the papers that my lawyer will be dropping off for you on a few days.”

A look of confusion over comes Jeremy’s face as he chases her outside, “What papers? What have you done now?” he asks, half hoping the answer he receives is nothing actually bad. Yet words fail Jeremy as Julienne confesses, “Adoption, papers… For Rick.” He nearly looses all sense of function when the words spill from her mouth. 

Ricks leans against the car, watching the interaction between the ex-husband and ex-wife. It’s a sight for sore eyes.

“If I sign those papers…” He would never sign those papers, even faced with the option of death, he’d never sign away his daughter. He’s sooner die. “You won’t get any child support.” He hopes with the realization that the money would be cut off, her actions would cease. Much to his amazement, she does the latter. Defending her reasoning, accusing Jeremy of cheating and being a evil husband.

“My attorney will speak to you about the case.” She says, brushing off everything that he’s said.

“You are not serious.” He asks, his heart racing.

“Rick wants to be her father. We want to be a family.”

Jeremy could feel his heart falling out of his chest, the same feeling he’d experienced the night he told Willa he was leaving her. The realization that he was loosing a part of his life. 

Saying goodbye to: Willa seemed easier than his current situation. They’d been together for ten years but this was his daughter, his baby girl; the five year old that shared his eyes and his smile. The five year old who grabbed his finger just mere seconds after she was born.

“I’m not signing those damn papers.” He says loudly as Julienne attempts to get into the car She’s annoyed at him.

“You will.”

“I’ll take you back to court.” He says angered, his voice rising.

“Have it your way.” She says just as angered.

Rock chimes in much to Jeremy’s disappointment. “Just sign the papers you’ll get rid of the kid, its not like you spend enough time to qualify as a dad.” Rick moves to stand in front of Jeremy, the younger man who was nearing his mid thirties attempting to stand his ground.

Rick was taller than Jeremy, he’s built far from average and looked as though he could knock Jeremy out in one hit but Jeremy was not one to back down. This fight however would be one that he would not loose.

“You’ve been around for what two months and all of a sudden you’re a better dad then me? Because a kid inside of Julienne’s uterus makes you so experienced.” Jeremy says angered. “What the hell did you at about my wife?”

“How about you take care of your own and I take care of mine? Macy is mine.”

Rick once again, attempts to stand his ground. “I’m married to Julienne which makes Macy’s mine. I’m a far better father than you could ever be. At least I can keep it in my pants.”

Jeremy grabs the mans, collar slamming his back forcefully into the side of the car. He grunts in pain before either knew it Jeremy’s fist was raised just begging to hit the mans face. Just moments before his fist crashes into ricks sorry face, he looks over and there behind the glass is his daughters green eyes peering at him. He sees the look of horror on her face and he stops, lowering his fist. The grip he holds on Ricks collar tightens.

“If you think I’d let you take Macy, you got another thing coming, boy.” It was true, Julienne husband was a boy compared to Jeremy.  With he nearing fifty and the husband just barely 33 years old age, he had much more experience in life than him.

He let’s the man go, his threat going straight to the mans core. He watches the broken shell of a man retreat to the car and eventually drive off as fast as he can. The car leaving tire tracks on Jeremy’s driveway.

He takes a moment to contain himself, slamming his foot into a ceramic pot resting near his driveway that shatters to pieces upon impact to the floor. Soils spills to the ground and the Lilly’s he and Macy planted months prior are both smashed And stained by the black dirt.

Not even a day later, the papers and a lawyer arrive. She’s a young female lawyer who looks like this is her first solo case. He recognized the look from Willa. She too shared the same look when a lawyer had her join him in court, she sat at the table with her heart racing and her palms sweating.

Jeremy spent the early hours of the morning, convincing her that she would be fine as well as that she wouldn’t throw up her Breakfast. As he expected, she did it perfectly. There was no trouble at all.

He starred at the young blonde woman, her eyes wide and her words stumbling as she presented him with the paperwork. Normally, he would introduce himself and be polite but now he refused too. He wanted nothing more than to throw her out of his home. His anger was directed at the wrong person, it would be Julienne who deserved the anger not this young lawyer.

She presented her case, telling Jeremy this would go over smoothly if he did simply just sign the paper work or if he wanted to hire his own lawyer and try the case. It’d be a long battle she warned.

He did the latter. Soon as she left, he reached out to everyone he knew in search for a lawyer. He made an appointment for the following week and awaited anxiously as every day passed.

The paperwork mimicked his divorce papers they too rested on his counter, untouched. A sense of denial overtook the man as he would come face to face with the papers. He didn’t believe it was true, that his life had meet this fate. That at the age of 46, he was a divorced single father who was on the verge of loosing custody of his daughter to a teenager.

His actions also mimicked his earlier one, a beer with every meal; a beer every time he was home. A closet alcoholic.

 The day of his appointment, he tried to clean up but there was no will. He didn’t shave, his face was sporting more than a five o’clock shadow, bags were present under his eyes. Even with a decent suit on he still resembled a depressed man, which he was.

“You’re my nine o’clock?” A man says, straightening out his tie as Jeremy enters his office. 

“Yes, Jeremy Renner.” Jeremy says, smiling, reaching his hand out to shake his. 

“You called about a…” He glances down at his desk, “a child custody case?”

“Yes.” 

“Well, here’s the deal.” He says, his hand pointing towards the chair in front of his desk. “I don’t typically take child custody cases. You’re high profile which means you’re going to get a lot of attention and i think you’d be better suit for someone else to handle your case.” 

Jeremy remains expression list, his hand on his side clenching into a fist. “Who would you refer me to?” 

 He takes a look at his computer screen, scrolling a few minutes and mumbling to himself before pulling out a piece of paper and writes on it. “Two floors up, there’s a bunch of lawyers with far more experience in child custody than i am. They should be able to help you.” He hands the paper over to Jeremy who glances at it, His cane number he assumes. “I’ll let them know you’re on your way. Good luck.” 

Jeremy leaves, clutching the paper in his hand and his level of anxiety on high, between his fit with Rick in front of his daughter and now the new fight he was having to prepare himself for. It was beginning to take a toll on his body. 

When he arrives at the second floor, the atmosphere feels different, like it’s damper; heavier up here.There’s people walking back and fourth, pounds of paperwork stacked in their arms and phone going off in every direction, before he has a chance to ask the receptionist for direction she speaks. 

“You’re the guy that Eric sent up?”  She says, stepping out from behind her desk, a smile forming on her face.

“Ye–yes.” He says.

“Follow me.” She walks ahead of him, her heels clacking on the marble floor. “I don’t know whose schedule is free at the moment, so please allow me to ask around.”

He nods. “Please wait here.” she says as she knocks on a wooden door. She steps inside of the room for no longer than two minutes before coming back out with another smile on her face. ‘We’ll have to try the next one.”

The same deal with the next one, he’s busy or he turned her down. While shes’s inside of their third attempt, her news is better than he expected. “Alright, Jamesson said he wouldn’t be able to take you on. His schedule wouldn’t be able to fit you but he thinks our last associate may be able too. Please follow me.”

Once again, the process is repeated but there’s no answer to the door, She opens the door but its empty. “Oh dear.” she says, quietly.

“Callie, can I help you?” A female voice says from behind you.

“Oh, this is the man from downstairs, Eric didn’t have the expertise to help him so he sent him to us. Are you available?”

Jeremy gets ready to fall apart, he’s no way prepared for another let down. He turns around slowly but his entire body language changes when he meets the woman whose responsible to the voice.

“I do–” She starts to say before stopping mid sentence to face him. It’s like someone had gotten a hold of a time machine and set the dial back to six years ago. There standing directly in front of him was Wila. Her eyes the same light hazel, her hair a lighter shade of brown but she didn’t look even the slightest different from the day he left. He stares at her dumbfounded, in a state of shock as her eyes face his again.

“This is the–him?”Willa says as she forces a smile on her face, her eyes quickly leave Jeremy’s to face Callie.

“Yes. Are you able to take him on?” She asks, in a polite voice. Willa nibbles on her lower lip, quickly walking past Jeremy and grabbing Callie’s arm, forcefully pulling her into the office where she closes the door gently. Jeremy however can hear everything that is being said between the two woman.

“What’s his case?” Willa asks

“Child custody.”

“For fucks sake.” Willa says, hissing.

“What is something wrong?”

“How far into the case is he?” Willa asks changing the subject

“Not any, today was his first meeting.”

“I’ll do a consultation with him but i’m not saying that I’ll take his case, okay?” Callie fills the room with ‘thank yous’ as she leaves.

“Okay, Mr. Renner, Willa will see you know.” Callie holds the door open for Jeremy who takes a deep breath before entering. The door closes behind him as his eyes lock onto the woman he once called his own.

“Willa, I–” He starts to to say before she interrupts him.

“Now Mr. Renner, Callie says that you’re here for a child custody case. Please take a seat and tell me what exactly it is your seeking?” She says from behind her desk, her hand extends out to the chair in front of her while she makes little to no eye contact with Jeremy. She glances at her computer and pulls out a notepad from her desk, sitting it on the desk and beginning to write on it. .

Jeremy cautiously sits down in front of her, his heart is racing. “My–my… Are you sure you don’t want anyone else to do this?”

She sighs, “Look Mr. Renner, right now there’s no one else to do this.”

Jeremy’s taken back, Willa is acting as though nothing happened between the two. Like they are simply employee and employer.

“My ex-wife is trying to petition the court to get my parental rights terminated and given to her new husband.” For a moment on Willa’s face as she writes, he swears a see’s a small smirk but it’s quick to disappear.

“How long have they been married?”

“A little over six months.”

“Are you up to date on child support payments?”

“Yes.”

“Child welfare? Are you providing a stable and safe environment for her?”

“Yes.”

“i’m sure you two had a previous custody agreement prior to this correct?”

“Yeah, I had Macy on any day i had off and she had her the other days.” he can tell even with little expression on her face, the words stung.

“Tell me, what exactly it is you’re planning to gain should this go to court?” Finally, Willa’s eyes land on him. He glances at her hand, no wedding ring. Her desk is empty other than a few photos and loose papers.

“I don’t want my rights taken away. I’ll push for sole custody if i have too. His voice raises.

“Just so you know, if this does go to court, it will be messy.” She sets her pen down and crossing her arms over her chest. “Messy for not only you and your ex-wife but the child you share as well.”

Jeremy nods and she continues. “Legal options, you legally do not have to sign your parental rights away. If you can prove that you’re a fit father  then your chances of keeping custody are high. You pay child support and make time to see your child, that plays in your favor as well. However seeing as though this a new husband is trying to provide for his new family that also has some set backs. I’m not saying that it’s going to go in their favor but you have to be aware of all options if this were to proceed.”

“She… My ex-wife filed paperwork to terminate my parental rights, what are my options now?” Jeremy asked realizing how awkward this situation was. he was asking for advice from his ex-girlfriend about what to do with his ex-wife who was his mistress at that time.

“Do you have the paperwork? I assume either she or another lawyer dropped them off with you?”

“Yes…here.” Jeremy says reaching into his breast pocket to pull out the paperwork. She takes the paper away from Jeremy quickly, refusing to hold her hand out near his any longer.

“This says that you’ve failed to meet the standards that a parent should.” She skims through the documents. “That you’re home is unsafe and unfit for a child of her age as well as you’ve been keeping her from school.”

“I haven’t done any of those.”

“Okay, if you do indeed choose us to take on your case, this would be the problem. Not only would we have to prove that your a fit parent but we’d have to open a case with child protective services.  but it could turn into a he-said-she-said type deal. Which is even worse.”

“Is there any way to keep this out of the courts, Willa?” he asks using her name for the second time. immediately, Willa eyes change, threes a hint of sadness in them.

“If you hadn’t of received these papers, you probably could have avoided that but now it seems that court is most likely going to happen.”

“How bad is this going to get, Willa?”

She chuckles and puts her arms on the table, “Mr. Renner, I’m not–”

“Jeremy stands up from the seat, bumping into the table. “Will,  you stop with the whole. ‘Mr. Renner’ thing? I’m not Mr. Renner to you, you know me better than that.”

Willa also stands, “Then what are you to me?”

“Jeremy.” he says almost pleading.

“Not in here.” She says, sternly. “In here, it’s Mr. Renner and Miss Koehler. Nothing more.”

her words catch Jeremy off guard. it’s hostile. As it should be. He sits back and thinks of what he did to her, how she deserved to treat him like crap rather than take the time out of her day to help him. She should have cursed him out the minute she saw him but she simply accepted it and sat down.

“How much do you guys charge per hour?” Jeremy asks in a small voice as he sat back down.

“It’s pro bono, don’t worry about it.” She says, starring at him.

“No… I’ll pay.”

“No, you won’t. The firm needs ex amount of pro bono hours and each associate has a certain amount of hours to meet.”

Jeremy nods in response.  “Please however do me a favor, i need your full name, your address and contact information.” She hands him a piece of paper and reaches into one of her drawers pulling out a business card. “here’s my business card to give to your ex-wife. from now on, you don’t say anything to her unless it’s pertaining to your daughter even then the conversations are to be held to a minimum. If she or her husband have anything to say to you, they will direct it to me or the firm.”

it was less than a normal interaction between them, he wanted to apologize to her, to say something, he wanted to tell her that he never stopped thinking about her. That he missed her every single day but considering how they parted, he didn’t have the right to say any of that.

He left her office without saying another word. He didn’t mention their pas he bit his tongue and walked away. When he was outside, the California air did little to help him relax. he stood outside the building, looking around him like the answer to his problems would just show up. He left in search of a convenience store or gas station some place in where his need for a cigarette could be met quickly. There was no explanation as to why he was craving a cigarette, he hand’t smoked in years. Not since Willa had printed out countless articles, plastering them to the walls about cigarette related deaths.

“What is this?” Jeremy asked, pulling a paper away from the wall as he enters the home, Willa is sitting on the couch, a book in her lap. .

“An article.”

“I see that. Why is it on the wall?” he asked leaning down to kiss Willa on the top of her head.

“I just figured if you want to smoke you might as well know the ways you’re going to die.”

“God, you’re such a sweet woman.” He said, smiling at her. “You know those things wont kill me for at least another forty years?”

“So, you’re saying we aren’t going to be together for another forty some years?” She says in a shocked voice.

Jeremy walks over to the couch, leaning down next to Willa. He rests his face directly in front of hers and smiles. “Maybe I’ll get tired of you after thirty-five.” 

He pays the clerk with a gash in his heart, they hadn’t even made it to thirty-five years. They barely made it to ten. He pulls a cigarette out from the small cardboard box, lighting it with ease. He stares it watching the smoke rise. When he finally takes a small puff, he lets it linger in his lungs, burning away the pain. He looks at his ring finger, remembering the gold band he once wore. The gold band that he once wore, coincidentally the same gold band that he looked at purchasing when he and Willa were together was also the ring he wore to symbolize his ‘love’ with Julienne. 

The tobacco burns his lungs and throat, reminding him of his youth. When the days were simpler, when the only thing on his mind was what party he was going to attend that night. Not fighting for custody for his daughter or fearing what would happen with his future.