#and of fucking course people are telling me i 'look healthier' like my weight loss isnt a result of my body straight up Not Functioning

[stressedjester]

The universe is trying to stop me from becoming a bear (my chronic illness is making me lose weight)

[xxew-pineapplezxx]

Him sticking up for you when fat shammed ~ Maknae Line

TW/ verbal abuse, bullying

I want to start off by saying, I love you all. Body positivity is something that I’m always for, being someone who is also plus sized. Everything in this is completely fictional but can come off rude and hurtful. Though this is a Y/N pov, there are a lot of people who go through this daily. Size doesn’t mean you can’t perform with your best! I love you and I know for damn sure the guys feel the same!

You sat eating a snack as you watch Jimin planning out his meals to start his diet plan again. You hated this time of year but tried to keep up with him by eating a little healthy yourself. That was the least you could do to help him stay on course.

“ Are you going to make more salads or smoothies this time?” You asked curiously. Of course, whenever he made you different things to eat or drink, it was a little harder to take. And you always tell him that you are going to eat healthier but…we all know how that is.

He shrugged,” I have a plan that we do 50-50.” He looked up at you and smiled.” You have to do better this time. I let you off the hook last time, but you will do the whole plan.”

You made a face at him not wanting to do that. You were going to lose weight when you were good and actually ready. “I’ll do the right thing 40% of the time. No guarantees though.”

He looks up at you dropping his pen. “Why can’t you just do things easier instead of always fighting?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You furrow your brows. You and Jimin often had these weight loss talks but mainly you just told him that you like the way he is. You personally would never ask him or anyone for that matter to change. Especially if they are happy with how they are.

He wiped his face standing up. He tried to think of a way to put it without being a complete jerk. “Babe you haven’t lost anything since we got together. At least not as much as you could’ve if you would just put yourself into actually working it off.”

You looked at him without saying anything. You couldn’t actually believe what he was saying. Is this how he felt all the time or was it just coming out of nowhere? You were comfortable with the size you were and didn’t have any plans to change that. Of course, it never hurt to make a few changes but damn did he have to hit this hard?

“Excuse me?” Was all that could come out of your mouth. You stared at him as if he had seven heads. “You're supposed to support me through everything. From losing weight to having my back on fucking life choices! I’ve never ever stopped you from doing these damn diets that make you so fucking small. I always make sure you're okay and you're doing what you love. Not once have I ever opposed!”

The look on your face read it all. You weren’t only upset about what was just occurring, you were also pissed that the man you love so much was standing here saying such mean things. What made him think he had that right exactly?

“Y/n…” He started knowing you will probably hate him. “ That came out completely wrong. Please understand that I care so much for you and don't want anything to happen. I just want to make sure you are the healthy version of yourself always and never fail at doing so. Please understand that being rude was never my intention. I know, I could've said it a little bit differently, that is completely my fault. But I really hope you understand where I’m coming from…”

You tried to see where he was coming from, but that didn't eliminate the fact that he said it. There were a lot of things you guys told each other. For him to feel this way and not actually have a conversation before this conspired hurt you.

“I understand your intent…I just don’t understand why you would choose now to say it when you’ve had every opportunity in the books to do so…” Jimin got what you were saying. He moved closer to you slowly to make sure you wouldn’t push him away.

“I promise, I will come to you and talk about anything and everything,” He started just trying to make that clear. “I don’t want you to ever change. The way you are is perfect to me and it’s very selfish for me to even put that out there. Again I just want what’s best for you, but I will let you decide that because at the end of the day you get to choose what you want to do and I will love you either way. Your my love and my whole fucking heart. I never want to lose that or you”

You closed the gap between you two before leaning to peck his lips. “Just know, you’ve lost every privilege when it comes to my body until I say otherwise, okay?”

Jimin pouted but nodded his head in agreement. No need to start something else up when he knew the punishment wouldn’t last long.

You had been anticipating this moment for months now. Today was officially the day you got to meet the love of your life’s parents. And eat a day it was going to be.

You have mentally had conversations and made sure to ask Tae just about everything when it comes to his parents. The thing was, Tae was more nervous than you were. Not because of anything but him bringing someone home after keeping it a secret of dating you for the past seven months. Not because he didn’t believe you were the one, but because he believed that heavily. It was because he was afraid of his parents actually approving of him being in a relationship with you.

“Babe, are you almost done?” You hear Tae call out to you. You were in the room practicing your greeting to his parents one good time to make sure you had it down to a tee. The fear that rained inside of you started to grow small as the confidence showed through.

“Yes, let me grab my purse, and then we can go!” You said doing just so. You adjusted your clothes in the mirror one last time before heading out to be greeted by Tae with the best kiss ever.

“Gosh you look so fucking amazing,” Tae told you with a wink. You couldn’t help but smile as he looked you up and down.

“You look very handsome as well my love.” You guys kissed once more before Tae turned to escort you out of the building.

Once in the car, you tried to relax but the anticipation and anxiety had you wired. You looked over at Tae giving him a nervous grin. “I don’t know if I can actually do this!”

“What do you mean? You’re freaking amazing. They are going to love you!”

“What you think about me versus what your parents think is completely different. It’s always different!” You took a deep breath just wanting to get the encounter started so that you can go on knowing that you have your all to meet his parents.

“You are acting like my parents are some high-up political figures” He chuckled. You shook your head with a smile.

“I don't know. I’m just really excited to meet them,” You started, fixing the dress you had chosen to wear. “I just hope they like me!”

“They will, just give it some time,” Tae reassured, taking your hand into his own. “I mean, I fell for you as soon as I laid eyes on you. If they are anything like me, they should also fall in love with you”

Once you guys arrived at his parent's place, Tae helped you out of the car and you two headed inside. There was a moment when you just felt overjoyed with everything. The house was stunning and greeting his father who opened the door was amazing. But things started going down once you stepped foot into the kitchen to greet his mom.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs.Kim.” You extended a hand toward her and she just looked at it. What was wrong? Did you say something weird or mean?

She gave a smile trying to brush it off before walking towards the dining room. You looked up at Tae not really understanding what was going on.

“I made your favorite, Taehyung,” She started as everyone followed. You moved slightly slower not wanting to make a big fuss but not understanding your first encounter with Tae’s mom. Everything with his dad was going great so what just happened?

You smiled smelling the air as you looked at all the food on the table.“Smells good, Mrs. Kim,” You started, taking a seat beside Tae as everyone sat down.

“Thank you,” She whispered not really looking in your direction. You nodded looking up at Tae letting out a brief sigh.

“We can start eating now.” You smiled looking at all the great options on the table. Tae grabbed different things placing them on your plate. You smile, breathing out thanks before you went to place some food in your mouth.

“Shouldn’t you wait for Taehyung to eat before you just stuff your face?” Mrs.Kim asked which made you look up at her.

“It’s okay, I want Y/N to eat well,” Tae smiled at you making your smile back.

“Well it looks like she eats well enough already,” She started which caught you off guard. Was she calling you fat? Why aren’t things clicking with the whole situation?

“Eomma…”Tae started grabbing your hand.

“No, son,” She started standing up. “ I will not allow you to bring any dishonor to our family because you are going through a phase!”

“Exactly what phase is that?” Tae asked now standing.

“You ever being into fat girls! Everyone you have ever brought home was slim and fit and this!” She points towards you, your confidence going down the drain.

You stood up, nodding your head as you tried to take in what was just said about you. “ Thank you for dinner. It was really nice meeting you, Mr.Kim.” You bowed and then walked out of the dining room heading for the door.

Tae looked at his mother upset. “ Usually, I try my best to be respectful to you and even follow your wishes. This was one time I will not stand allowing you to disrespect someone I love so much. She is beautiful, a fucking work of art! If you can’t stand for that then don’t worry about contacting me until you figure that out!” He moved away from the table going to walk out when he turned around looking at his father. “ I’m sorry dad, I don't mean to be disrespectful in your house, but you told me to stand for what I love and who I love. I love Y/N, there is no doubt about that. The last thing I will ever do is allow someone to disrespect the person I see the rest of my life with.”

All his father could do was nod his head, completely understanding where he was coming from. His mother was out of line to do something like this and his father planned on dealing with that after they left.

“Bye dad,” Tae said then walked away to find you standing there. The tears in your eyes said it all. He walked over to you wrapping his arms around you. There was part of him that wanted to go back in there pulling you with him. But he didn’t want to put you back in that whole thing.

He just grabbed your hand and pulled you with him out of the house. He walked to the car, opening the door for you to get inside. You looked up at him, tears still there but a small smile breaking through.

“I love you too, Taehyung”

You sat down watching everyone chatting it up at the annual staff appreciation party. You knew that going with Jungkook meant you were going to end up sitting alone, especially with his hyungs also in the same building, but you went anyways to show your own kind of appreciation for the BigHit/ Hybe staff. You smiled and waved but eventually got tired of sitting there so decided to go and find Jungkook.

As you walked you whispered soft ‘excuse me’s and pardon’s as you didn’t want to seem pushy or rude. Just as you walked by someone, you felt your body go cold as the girl in front of you drink fell on your dress.

“Excuse me I am so sorry-” You began but the girl started to scream!

“How dare you walk into me! Didn’t you see me standing here!?” she shouted making you jump slightly. People around slowly turned their heads toward the sound.

“I’m really sorry about that.” You looked at her to see she had nothing on her. Actually, everything spelled on you and she was spotless. You still felt like you should apologize though because it was still an accident on your part. “ I can get you another drink, I really am sorry about this”

“Maybe you need to watch where your going and things like this wouldn’t happen!”

“Things like this? I was walking by and accidentally bumped you! This has never happened before today,” You started, the once apologetic tone turning into a more upset one. “Your acting as if I saw you and was like ‘Oh let me spill her whole fucking drink on my new dress!’’

The girl looked around herself and then back at you, a slight smirk growing on her face. “ Maybe if you weren’t so fat you could’ve squeezed your way by me” You looked at her as if her head was decapitated from her body. How could she possibly just stand there and say something like

That.

“You are such a bitc-”

“What is going on here,” Jungkook rang, finally making his way over to where you guys were after what felt like hours of you trying to defend yourself. He looked at you then your dress and floor before looking at the girl standing there.

“This fatty just bumped into me, spilling my drink,” The girl started, crossing her arms and giving you an evil look.

You scoffed rolling your eyes. “ Yeah, the drink that got all on the dress that I worked so hard to get to come to this event! It didn’t even get on you!”

“Bitch we all work hard, you just need to put in a little bit more work.”

Jungkook sighed looking at you again. “Which department do you work for?” He looked back at the girl who just looked at Jk with a questioning look on her face. “Did you not hear my question? What department do you work for!?”

His voice got a little bit louder which made the girl jump. “ I’m sorry, I am one of the stylists for you guys” She gave the biggest smile motioning in his direction.

“You were one of the stylists,” Jungkook said followed by a sip of his drink.

“I’m sorry, what?” She began looking between you and Kookie.

“What do you not understand? If you have been working for us you would understand that we don’t do bullying, name-calling, or any type of discrimination. You broke all of those in less than 10 minutes. If you read the contract that you should’ve signed, then you would know what happens to people when they do those things. Especially when it comes to someone that we love.”

“But sir she spilled my drink-”

“No, you spilled your drink. You were holding it, and by the way she is soaked, while you have less than a drop of liquid on your body speaks levels that you seem to be too incompetent to understand. You are finished with this company as of tonight.”

You grabbed Jungkook’s arm and could feel he was shaking. You didn’t need him to stand up for you but you loved that he did. You felt you didn’t deserve him but he proved to you every day that he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

“You need to leave,” Was the last thing he said before grabbing your hand and walking out of the room. You smirked at the girl while you two passed before looking back at Jk.

When it seemed you guys got far enough you pulled his arm so that he could look at you. It broke your heart seeing him with tears in his eyes, trying so hard not to look in your direction.

“Babe…” You started bringing your hand to his cheek, making him look at you. “ I’m okay”

“What she said was horrible!”

“And you think I don't hear that shit every other day. People are cruel, my love,” You leaned up and pecked his lips. “I really appreciate you standing up for me. You came to my rescue when I needed you and you didn’t back down.”

“I should be the one giving this talk,” Jungkook said, chuckling and wiping the fallen tear that glazed his cheek. “You stood up to her even though she said some horrible things about you.”

“And you stood up for me when I could’ve handled it. I love you for doing that.”

He kissed your lips gently then pulled away looking down at your dress. “ This is coming out of her final paycheck,” He said, another chuckle escaping his lips.

“Can you do that legally?”

“I’m Jeon fucking Jungkook,” He started, cocking his head to the side slightly.

“That answers my question. Let’s get out of here,” You said pulling his arm.” I’m freezing and this wine isn’t smelling all that great”

[terrible-fanfiction-of-course]

All thanks to you

Lila sits in her room rewriting the latest chapter of her novel, A novel she started when she transferred to (school name). As she finished, she mused on the best part that had yet to come. You see, Lila is a writer who loves being inspired by life. She doesn’t mind trying to create her inspiration, also known as manipulating people. Lila moves so often that it been a hobby for some time now, Lila had long given up on actually forming real bonds with people. It never works out and she usually would have to move soon after. 

Lila daydreams about the first days of this school initially she wanted to try and write a romance novel about two people from different worlds type of thing when that got ruined fast. Hence, she assumed her inspiration would become someone having to deal with having a wrong first impression and coping with bullying, so she avoided school for a while, and strangely when she came back, no one else knew she was a liar. And her lies were not smart. It would have been too easy to figure her out, yet these people believed every word she said, barring that Marinette character. Marinette was prefect; she created such a beautiful chance at her favorite genre of writing. Tragedy. She loves tragedy, she loves the aspect of seeing a story play out, and with only a few decisions seeing something that could be a happily ever after turn so terrible. Lila realizes that this makes her a terrible person she just doesn’t care, at least she will come out and say it. when she wants to. but for now she wants to think about Marinette 

Marinette was the prefect protagonists or I guess victim, I so easily turned all her friends against shifts the aspect and comfort she took from those people and even poisoned her own thoughts about them. To the point, she chose a healthier life and has moved on mostly, cutting all of those too stupid and greedy to see through the thin veneer of my lies before it was too late. And while she didn’t leave without a few emotional scars, she will be all the better in the end. Marinette, my wonderful protagonist, had her ending. But the tragedy aspect of the story is no longer just hers. An epilogue is in order for those left.

The players who made this whole drama come to life deserve to know what there just deserts are. As Lila finishes typing up Marinette’s new ending, she stands up and gets to gathering items she has been buying and saving for months. Being a part-time model did help with this, but she doesn’t think she would want to continue with this. Modeling was tedious, and so was Adrien. So dull that she is almost glad that her romance novel failed so fast, she has a feeling that she would have had to scrap it anyway. Anyhow she got to finishing warping all her gifts for her wonderful classmates. Monday would be an exciting class. She had already convinced her naive teacher to be out of the classroom for her show. She can’t for the life of her recall what lie she used for this but it’s unimportant as she finished her preparations and snuggles up to bed and falls asleep. Monday comes around as Lila gets up early and makes her way to school with giant bags of presents. She made it to class first; she places all the gifts on each desk. She then makes her hidden cameras were well hidden and video set up.  She sits on the teacher’s desk and waits, and as her classmates come inside, she tells them that she has a surprise but not to open the present till the end. As everyone gets to their sits and looks so excited and happy and really why shouldn’t they be? They don’t know what about to happen to the perception of reality. The only desk with no gift was Chloe a very surprising character indeed, she made for a beautiful and unexpected redemption arch, she sits in her seat and simply glares at me. I smile sheepishly and once everyone is settled. I start my spiel. “Hello everyone, today I wanted to thank you so much for all that you have done. If it weren’t for you all, none of this would have been possible. I’m going to play this video and I just need you all to watch to the end thank you as Lila leaves the room and goes to an empty classroom to watch from the cameras she had set up earlier in the morning. The video starts with Rose, “Rose I wanted to thank you. You saw me as a friend and trusted me so fast, you were so able to gather all the girls like no other and because of you, Marinette understood that none of her ‘friends’ really cared about her anymore” Lila makes sure to air quotes, in the video, the word friends of course. She had seen true and real pure friendship and this class didn’t cut it. Rose and really the whole class seem to turn from happy and thankful to shock as she continued to speak, and Adrien looked the sickest of them all. But seemingly too shocked to stop her speech. “Of and Juleka I also have to thank you for being so willing I believe everything I said and making sure Marinette couldn’t get comfort from your big brother of yours it really helped the isolation aspect that you completely turned everyone outside of school against her but really I guess I can give credit to everyone for that” Lila blow a big kiss to room and flips her hair back. This unforcedly seems to break them from there stupor and Rose stood and said “I-I didn’t do that! I just wanted Marinette to go back to being a good friend why would you say such things?!” and Juleka says more quietly “Marinette did so many terrible things I didn’t want my brother getting involved in the wrong crowd” she seems to tremble like the weight of saying her words are too much. Lila having seen this coming had set up the video to say “now calm down, I have a reason for saying all this, and I promise everything will be clear in the end, while everything may seem bad to you now I promise by the end you’ll have new clarity about everything.” this rather surprisingly seems to calm them down. Though I have the sneaking thought that the present in front of them was an excellent positive investment to say silent for just a while longer.

 I start going through everyone involved with making Marinette miserable, some of the highlight being Kim looking somewhat ashamed when he and Alix pushed Marinette down the stair multiple times and Max and Sabrina made sure to get the taps erased every time. Their expression was of a child being scolded for something they didn’t think was wrong. Which made sense they still thought of Marinette as a bully a terrine person. They didn’t seem to understand why I brought all this up. And why I was adding you chose and did this with no instruction from anymore else to the statements. The build-up was killing Lila and looked like it was killing Adrien as well. Oh, to see him squirmed was such fun.  From her classroom, she laughed and kept recording there reactions. So much fun really. But before we get to the fun of causing a spineless boy to squirm their video goes over Alya’s involvement of her so-called ‘my best friend’ “Alya oh Alya you were always there for me, guarding me and making sure Marinette stayed in her place. Calling her a jealous bitched and completely disregarding anything she tried to tell you while also still trying to take advance of free babysitting and free clothes and pasties usually on the same day you make her cry.” Alya’s face was red she stands up to start yelling she had a betrayed expression on her face. “Girl what are you saying? I was defending you from a bully!” The class nodded in agreement. And Chloe starts to laugh “Really are you all this ridiculously stupid??? She is literally telling you how you fucked up and you still can’t take responsibility” Chloe said expression of sadness and slight disgust as she stares at them. While Lila didn’t like the interruptions to her spicy video she let it slide as it gave pause time for people to scream for a good ten seconds. “we still have one more person because I can finish my little speech.” past Lila said with a wink. She then speaks to Adrien I wanted to thank you most! If you had gas-lighted Marinette into staying silent and then totally abandoning her when supporting her would have been a widdle bit hard, without your totally knowing and willing approve and support now of this would be possible.” Before the class could argue more she added “Most all of you took my side because you thought you could get something from me, you wanted to use me the same way, Marinette was going to let herself be used by you. You deemed me a more valuable asset when you found you couldn’t have both and then diluted yourselves into thinking you are the justified ones. But your wrong, because I was lying to you all about everything I said to you were totally lies.” The class seems to freeze then exploded and start yelling and freaking out, I stare at them to recall all their beautiful betrayed reactions. As they started calling me the bad guy, all I say is please open your gift and read the letters first” video Lila was explaining what the letter was because the gifts were just that useful nice gifts for the most part. Rewards for being such good suckers and throwing away their ‘good friend’ The letter was super well-documented evidence of the harassment and bullying they had all done to Marinette while Lila was in the class. It showed how they chose to do what they did. It finally seemed to sink in for them that hey had fucked up and the expressions on their faces would be so helpful to finish off her novel as the all tried to call Marinette only to discover that she was gone they have no way to get in contact with her. Truly only then had some of there actions seem to matter at all to them. They have finally expressed the loss that Lila was craving for them to feel.

[new-tella-us]

Aight, so this is a very long Komahina Oneshot.

I'm gunna milk the freak out of the popular shiet!

Anyways couple of warnings before we start.

This oneshot is not happy. It contains:

Character Death

Swearing

Illness

Mentions and attempts of suicide

If any of this stuff upsets you then skip this chapter. I'll be making happier stuff in the future.

Bittersweet Ending

"Hey Komaeda! Wanna visit Hajime and Nekomaru with me?"

That was the first thing Nagito heard after leaving his house. Akane was at his door and seeming pretty anxious.

"Oh..uhh sure. I wanted to talk to Hajime, I guess I just never had the time,"

It was still strange to see Akane being nice to him. He always expected something bad to happen to him around her but, lately she's been pretty docile. Though, she still doesn't want to call him by his first name regardless of how many times Nagito has said that it's fine. Nagito quickly got ready and left his tiny cottage with the girl.

...

The walk was long. Nagito offend wondered why Nekomaru and Hajime were put so far away from the rest of the group. Some actually moved closer to them so they wouldn't have to take such a long walk but, not Nagito. He was just...too busy. His mind started to wander as he walked. Where did his story start? Maybe when he woke up.

When he first woke, he couldn't believe it. He was back in reality. A hand reaching out to him snapped his attention right back to reality. He sensed so much hope radiating from the person reaching out that he confused him with the Ultimate Hope, Izuru Kamukura and while, the person was the Ultimate Hope, it wasn't Izuru. Hajime Hinata was his name. His warm smile finally pulled Nagito out of the lull he was in. So he stood up, ready to take on a new world.

...

Two months had past, the fifteen students were able to move to the original Jabberwock Island and live there in peace. Of course, occasionally, the Future Foundation would ask for assistance from Hajime but, other than that, it was quite peaceful. So peaceful, in fact, that Makoto Naegi decided to slightly dampen the mood of the island by building a graveyard for all the student of Hope Peak that got killed in the Tragedy. Each set of areas were separated by class and for everyone that died, they would build a ginormous, well more like life size, statue of the person.

That ended up pissing a lot of people off for obvious reasons, since there was only one death from class 77. Chiaki Nanami, she would stand alone in a sea of statues that threatened to drown her in the meaningless names and monotonous stone gray.

Hajime also brought up a pretty good point.

"Makoto, this is our home. If you put every class, every Ultimate, all 78 of them here, our island would become a travelers island,"

"We'll make sure to moderate that but, this just the best area we can put these and respect our dead, plus this is probably going to be where we bury you guys and I would thing you would want to be near friends,"

No one had much of an argument. Hajime sighed and agreed to the plans on the condition that Makoto keeps visitors to a minimum and never does overnight stays. Makoto agreed and it was settled. They decided the graveyard would take up the entire fifth island to keep it as far away as possible. After all, the group didn't need a constant reminder that not everyone got out. Nagito didn't need a constant reminder that he got the last bit of her killed for his idiotic plan and now she'll never come back.

Never.

...

More months past and life was normal...well, their version of normal, at least. Through out these months, he and Hajime have gotten closer than ever. Hajime seems to be the only one who cares, Nagito likes it when they hangout...he always does this. He always gets attached despite it never ending well. He did it with his dog;the dog got ran over, his parents; they died in a plane freak accident, Chiaki...yeah... He knows he always gets attached to the ones who will die and yet, he still gets attached.

...

He caught something...Oh not Hajime, Nagito. Nagito got sick, really sick. He could barely move out of bed. People kept visiting him, Mikan kept checking up on him and Hajime, unlike with the Liar Disease, actually stayed. By the end of the week, the group had given him flowers that he couldn't take care of (Mahiru did so instead), and all sorts of candies that he didn't have the appetite for, even Hiyoko gave him her favorite brand of gummy bears. Throughout the few weeks, he fluctuated between good days and bad days.

On one of his good days, he was hanging out with Hajime. He insisted that they hang out somewhere other than the house. Hajime furiously declined saying that Nagito need to rest and, as per usual, he was right but Nagito just didn't want to sit in bed any longer.

"Fine, I'll just go somewhere by myself" Nagito said in a huff. Hajime's face changed from a "what the actual hell??" Look to a defeated one. Nagito knew Hajime would never leave Nagito alone while sick on this island so, Hajime agreed.

Nagito decided that they were going to the cemetery that finished it's construction very recently. Hajime didn't put up a fight and they both headed there. Once they arrived, they had to walk through class after class to find the class they were looking for. Nagito started to feel his "good" day going bad but, tried his best to keep a strong face. They finally made it to the class 77 area and there she stood, alone. Stone eyes staring down at her Nintendo DC. Nagito briefly wondered what game she would be playing to be so intensely staring down at the game without looking up before he remembered that this was a statue.

"So, why here of all places? Did you want to mourn Chiaki?" Hajime asked, blunt and to the point as always. So Nagito answered with all equally blunt question.

"When I die, do you think they'll put my statue next to hers?"

Hajime seemed caught off-guard, he didn't seemed to know what to say next.

"Umm, supposedly? It would probably be in death order. Y'know, like who dies first?"

"Exactly, when I die, which should be soon-" Nagito couldn't hold back the sickness anymore and doubled over coughing. This, of course, panicked Hajime as he tried to help as much as he could. When the coughing died down and Nagito could breathe again, he commented; "See? I told you tha-"

Hajime cut him off, "You're being delusional. You're not going to die, Nagito"

"You don't know that and I'm not getting healthier"

"It's a cold.."

Now, Nagito was the one to interrupt, "Colds don't last weeks Hajime"

"It's a fuckin' bug" Hajime cursed

"Now look who's being delusional, it's my sickness. It's finally coming to tak-"

"Enough with the with the fucking death talk! You're not gunna die Nagito!" His voice was louder but, he didn't sound as certain. "You're...not.." his voice was shaking, pleading for Nagito to stop. Of course Nagito had to take it so far. He always takes it too far and ends up in these kinds of situations.

"...Sorry"

"Let's...get you home, you're not feeling well"

...

Turns out, Hajime was right, it was just a cold but with his immunodeficiencies, it made it much harder to fight off. With the right medicine and another four days, Nagito started to improve. People were still cautious, now that every had seen how a common cold could affect him, they were more hesitant to let him do the common housework that he used to do on the regular. They all collectively decided thatNagito would take regular check ups to keep his health in check. He agreed to keep them all from panicking too much. Hajime insisted that Nagito does a blood test and a brain scan.

"Just in case of something serious.."

Why? Hajime should be the last person to say that. He is the only person that knows about Nagito's condition...was it to let everyone else know? He gave Nagito a look, a look that was hard to decipher. It almost seemed like Hajime knew something that Nagito didn't.

...

.........

....What?

This is....

That's impossible...

Maybe the tests were flawed? Maybe there was a mix up....

Nope, these are his results but, that's impossible.

These tests say he's anemic.

Just anemic. Not any of the other illnesses he was diagnosed with as a teen. Vitamin Deficiency Anemia. A chronic but usually treatable condition. The worst part? It matches up with how Nagito has been feeling since he got the disease. The pale skin, the weight loss, the inability to fight of the smallest of colds without weeks of treatment. It all lines up. This is...some really good luck. Life saving good luck...that means, the next surge of bad luck might be...Life ending. No..NO! Nagito refuses to lose anyone else and certainly not because of his luck!

...

"That's amazing, Nagito!" Hajime said.

Hajime was the only person Nagito could go to about this. He knew so much already, it made it easier to tell him more...and yet, now Nagito felt guilty. His relationship with Hajime got slightly strained with the graveyard talk and now Hajime has seemed to almost completely forget that. He even seems happy, genuinely happy. Did Nagito really want to ruin that? ...He had to.

"Uhm, yeah but, this surge of good luck is sure to come with harsh repercussion," Nagito said nervously.

Silence...

"Nagito...please, just this once. Can you just be happy when something good happens to you?" Hajime's voice was a mixture of annoyed and worried.

"Not when this could kill someone. Sorry," Nagito might have to reconsider if telling Hajime things is a good idea anymore...

"...Okay, how about this? If we tell everyone to watch out for something bad and keep on their toes, will you at least try to enjoy yourself?"

That didn't feel good enough but, there wasn't much Nagito could do. "Fine"

...

A couple weeks had passed by. Nagito became more and more restless with everyday that nothing happened. Recently, the Future Foundation called some of them to a small mission on the main land. To gather intel on a rebel group that still stands by the complete extermination of Ultimates. Nekomaru, Nagito, Hajime, Mikan and surprisingly Hiyoko were tasked with this. Throughout that time, Nagito tried his best to trigger his bad luck. Walking through the most dangerous parts of town everyday to see if something would happen...Nothing did. He tried everything to cause any form of bad luck to ease his mind, from dangerously unstable platforms to rebel infested areas. Nothing happened. Nothing but Nagito constantly worrying his group.

"Nagito, you can just come with us. You know that right?" Hajime mentioned, worrying flashing in his heterochromatic eyes. Nagito liked to stare into them but, now is not the time.

"Oh, I would never dream of disturbing the presence of you with mine."

Hajime started to look pissed off.

"Listen Nagito, is you are still worried about your bad luck...I understand but, you can't force it to activate. Just let the inevitable happen."

Okay, now Nagito's pissed off. Let the inevitable happen? Does Hajime not care that the 'inevitable' could be death?

"You're acting too casual about all of this. This is something big and you're acting like it's nothing. Do you not care? Not care that someone on our island could die? After all we've been through?"

"Of course I care but, what am I supposed to do? Let you get yourself killed? If you have forgotten, you are also someone on our island. I can't just allow you to die! I have to at least try to save everyone as I always have!"

"....I'm not that important, I caused a good portion of this. It's not like anyone would truly care too much if I was gone. It's fine to let a nobody like me die," Nagito said. Did he mean it? Maybe but, he didn't want to be the cause of anymore pain or death...

Hajime was steaming, he looked like he might actually hit something in anger but instead, he grabbed Nagito's shoulders and pushed him up against a wall. Now, Nagito couldn't ignore him. Couldn't try to push his concerns aside.

"I care dammit! Can't you see that?"

Nagito's heart raced. His face was so close to Hajime's. He felt like something bad was bound to happen with them so close. A part of him, really wanted to just lean in and kiss Hajime while he had the chance. The part that wanted to possible keep some form of a friendship with Hajime, however, knew not to.

"If I didn't, I wouldn't have spent days getting you out of that coma. If none of us cared, we wouldn't have spent time, energy and money to help you get better and to give you gifts while you were ill. We all care about you. So please...don't...don't leave me like Chiaki did.." Hajime plead, desperately. He seemed near tears, tightening his grip on Nagito. It's rare to ever see Hajime so scared. It hurt Nagito, since he couldn't honestly promise that. At that moment, he truly did wished he stayed in that coma or..no..further than that, he just wished he was never lucky to begin with. His luck caused so many people pain, include the man that's now pleading for Nagito to live in front of him. Despite Hajime's pleading, Nagito knew what he had to do to make this awful cycle stop.

"I...I promise," Nagito lied, "I'm sorry"

Hajime's grip loosened then he hugged Nagito.

"Thank you..." Hajime's voice was shaky but, genuine. Nagito couldn't say anything to that.

...

It's time. Nagito made sure to spend time with everyone he could. It was the end of the investigation and nearly time for everyone to go home...Nagito wasn't going to make it home. On one of his investigations, he found a very tall skyscraper. The tallest one with the exception of Hope's Peak. He wasn't going to jump from there, not when Makoto is trying his hardest to repair the place.

He stood on the roof of this broken building. The railings that once stood there, probably to prevent what Nagito was about to do, rusted and withered away. He stood at the edge, looking on at the city that he helped destroy.

He was about to step off when he heard someone.

"Nagito?"

Of course, of all people, it had to be him. Nagito turned around to see none other than Hajime standing at the doorway next to Nagito's shoes that he removed to confirm that this wasn't a murder. Nagito turned back to the city. He felt no reason to hide it anymore and repeated a question he asked a long time ago.

"Do you think, when I die, they'll put my statue near her's?"

Hajime answered the same too.

"That depends on who dies first in the group. They'll probably organize it in death order..."

Nagito said nothing. He knew that if that's the case then, he would be right next to her.

"You really aren't going to turn back, are you? You are that afraid of your talent that this is what you think you have to choose?"

Still nothing.

"Can you at least give me an answer?"

Nagito couldn't. He was so focused at looking on at the city, he didn't realize that Hajime had made it next him.

"Just turn back, go on without me," Nagito turned to Hajime and smiled, "You'll forget me eventually,"

Hajime said nothing but eventually turned away and started walking back. Nagito was a little surprised but was also glad that Hajime understood. He went back to looking at the city.

"If I can't convince you. I guess..." Nagito heard Hajime walking back and felt his hug. Nagito turned to face Hajime and maybe question something, before he could say anything, Hajime continued,

"I can at least make sure you don't die alone."

Hajime pushed himself forward off the edge, taking Nagito with him.

Now, they were falling. Falling fast. It didn't feel fast though. It felt like the world slowed down, everything was noisy but, silent. Nagito couldn't believe it. It was really happening. That's when Nagito started to question the things he should have thought about before choosing this way of ending it. What if he didn't die on impact? Would it hurt? Would it burn? Would he just feel numb? How long can you even last after a fall like that? But, those questions are useless to ask now...

He wanted to tell Hajime how he felt. He knew he was going to die so, it wouldn't matter. He might as well. Plus, Hajime would probably not hear him over the pressure threatening to burst their eardrums in its might.

He screamed to the top of his lungs the words he wanted to say since the Neo World Program.

"I Love You, Hajime!"

He didn't expect much. He didn't any response. So he certainly didn't expect what was said next.

"I Love You Too!"

Hajime...loved him? He didn't expect that at all. This, somehow, made Nagito feel better and worse at the same time. He hugged Hajime tighter, they should be close to the ground soon so, Nagito can die without much regret.

"And I told you," Hajime continued, "I'm going to try and save everyone. Including you."

Immediately after that, Nagito felt shift in positions. Now, it was Hajime under Nagito. Nagito realized what Hajime was going to do. He was going to take to brunt of the landing on the chance that Nagito would live. If Nagito was lucky, he could live.

And, of course,

Nagito was lucky.

...

"We're here! Finally!" Akane's voice snapped Nagito back into reality.

"Y-yeah, that walk took a-a lot out of me..." Mikan followed. Wait, when did Mikan get here? She must have joined their walk while Nagito was spaced out.

"A-are you o-okay Nagito-san? You s-seem spaced out.."

Oh right, he probably seems very out of it on their walk, he should say something.

"Yes, I'm okay, I was just...thinking."

He looked up at the cemetery entrance and prepared himself when he entered.

75...76...77. Class 77...

All the way to the left is Chiaki Nanami, the first to go. She was the hope of Class 77 and thus Junko Enoshima, the Ultimate Despair, had her executed. She was a kind girl that did her best to help and protect everyone she could. She will always be remembered. Her plaque says:

"I'm going to get out with all of my friends"

To the right is Nekomaru Nidai. He was a victim of trial four. But he made it out of that world alive. How did he die then? He, unfortunately, had a life-threatening illness and ,unlike Nagito; it wasn't a misdiagnosis. His illness took his life about three weeks ago. His plaque says:

"Keep fighting, the only way to success is to try"

And in the middle, despite the fact that he was not a part of class 77, everyone insisted that he'd be put there. He was family to them all.

Hajime Hinata.

He was the person who saved the class multiple times and never gave up hope. He fought for everyone and, in the end, he died to keep his message. His plaque says.

"I'm going to save everyone, that includes you"

Nagito looks at Akane who was standing there crying but silent. Akane has always had trouble expressing negative emotions so this is a start.

He then looks at Mikan, who was on her knees sobbing at Chiaki's grave. She wholeheartedly blames herself for Chiaki's death, we're trying to convince her that it's not her fault. Maybe one day they can convince her. Then he looks at Hajime. He just stares. It, at first seemed like appropriate weather for this occasion. Rain. Until Nagito realized that sky, though dark, is clear. He wiped his eyes to find that the 'rain' was really tears. He was crying and yet, he wasn't broken. He was sad but, felt weirdly happy.

"Inevitable, huh? At least, I'm glad I got to know you before the inevitable." Nagito said, out loud. "This is such a bittersweet ending."

Allll right! This is finally done. I am literally about to cry. This is the saddest thing I've ever written. 😭 The next chapter is gunna be a lot happier.

Thanks for reading.

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

Good Afternoon, Everyone!

It is chilly outside, and my nose has been red since the wind hit it. A warm air is wafting over my body like a blanket in my cozy little office, making me feel comfortable. My mind is filled with daydreams and thoughts of what is right and what is wrong. My center seems to be no where in sight, and yet I am calm. 

I want to tell you all how my journey has been so far since my last journal entry. 

Just to recap, I set some goals for myself last time. I wanted to be more aware of my eating habits, forming a work out routine to do everyday, and learn to do a split by the end of the month. These three goals are small, and have almost no real direction or layout for how they were to be conducted.

And yet, it worked. At least a little bit!

You see, I’m training my mind right now to see tracking my eating as a fun habit. I have a theory that I overthink my weight a lot of the time and completely miss the point of weight loss in general. I still get to this state of mind where if I feel as though I should feel bad for feeding myself. And this can be induced by small things people say around me. With my mind using hyperbole to hype up what they are saying, it convinces me that my eating habits are the reason they feel the way they do.

I never used to be a jealous girlfriend, I never used to be insecure, lithe in personality or even submissive. I used to be extremely dominant, defensive, independent and confident with my steps. Hell, I joined singing competitions because in my head, I knew I’d do great. But now, I bail on musical rehearsals simply because my energy isn’t right. And after last nights episode, I fucking guess I get jealous of video games now, too! Fucking stupid.

So imagine, I’ve been on this awareness journey with my eating habits. This goal being the main one I wanted to focus on this month, and have sufficiently lost a couple of pounds simply from changing the way I eat. With that being said, I’ve still felt ill about myself. So, while my boyfriend was playing Cyberpunk 2077 last night, he mentioned he loved and wanted to marry Judy because, “She’s a version of his High School self.” (as seen above. A bad bitch tech wizard who is literally the definition of independence).

Judy is a bad bitch, I’d marry her too!!! I love how sure of herself she is and how she wants a revolution. But, for some reason, this comment didn’t settle with me correctly. Regardless of my mental efforts, an actual war was going on in my head. Negative thoughts popped up about how tiny and lithe she was in stature, while being confident, distant and strong in nature, while I was a big girl who was shy, quiet and submissive/passive. I was comparing myself to a game....a game character I related to, for that matter?! I had just taken a bite of food when he said he loved her, but I stopped chewing all together the moment he said it.

The food sat in my mouth for what felt like hours as I contemplated whether it would be acceptable to just spit it in the trash, but my grandmother who lives 45 minutes out of town drove it to me because she knew it was my favorite...smoked salmon. The thoughts running through my head included, “If you don’t eat this bite, you could get skinny like Judy faster.” & “Spit it out, pig, he’s trying to tell you something.” I ended up spitting it in the trash after thirty minutes of holding it between my gums and cheek and hating on myself.

Thankfully, I STILL HAVE SALMON LEFT OVER AND WILL NEVER QUESTION WHETHER TO EAT THAT BITE OR NOT EVER AGAIN!!!! Rationalizing myself in the moment, though, was almost impossible. My boyfriend didn’t notice much because I was simply staring quietly at the TV, his voice coming in and out every once in a while followed by my curt response. 

Now, this is not his fault. Him and I had a discussion a while ago regarding this and I openly said it was okay for him to talk like that in front of me about other women. I’m a feminist and love seeing women do awesome and bad ass things. I also love talking about bad ass women! He had my consent, and knows nothing of what is going on in my mind right now, so genuinely this is not a him problem.

This is a me problem. This is a me problem I have had for a very long time regarding my body issues, my mental health and my willingness to be open about it. Which I’m not. I never tell people what’s going on because not everyone is a therapist, which is what I need and cannot afford. It’s easier to not say something.

So going back to Judy. After my moment of absolute self hatred, my boyfriend mentioned something to me that seemed to pull me out of this waterfall of feelings and thoughts. He started talking to me about things we were wanting to do together. 

I realized that he wasn’t thinking as hard as I was about Judy. He simply loves and enjoys the character and the interactions he has with the character. That type of woman is the type he admires. But she’s a made up fictional character. That’s when the thought hit me, “He calls you a bad bitch all the time. You guys mirrored each other quite a bit in High School. You were independent before him. Carly, you’ve started depending on an approval he doesn’t realize you are expecting. And that’s something you should be expecting from yourself.”

I put weight in the words of a man who thought his sentence was light as a feather. Things started clicking and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my mouth. I had just spit food out over a situation I had created in my head. I would be Judy today if I were in a post-apocalyptic world, had I not put so much weight into depending on others for things, I would probably be Judy in todays Rona Revolution! The point is, Judy is a set of characteristics dressed up and made pretty for the success of a video game. No one is exactly like her because she isn’t real. 

But I am. And personality is a choice. No, I won’t change myself, but I want to be more myself. I want to be the me uninfluenced by others opinions of me. I want to be the me that can alternate from being prissy to being tomboy. So, I want to make a list of things that make me truly happy. I want to lay out the part of me that I love, and I want to strive to accomplish more of the things I love. 

1. Fixing my own car. I was told in High School that shop class was a boys class. It was my first option as a recreational hour, and they decided to put me in something else. I slowly lost interest in vehicles as a whole and pushed it to the side, depending on everyone else to fix my car for me. This is bullshit, and I want to fix my own fucking car from now on. It won’t get done otherwise. 

2. MMA Fighting/Boxing. Like my piano career, this dream stopped once my teacher stopped showing up. I want to defend myself and be physically strong, I also want to say I went through something rigorous without giving up. I want this for me, myself and I. I’m tired of calling people in parking lots at night when I’m scared. 

3. Yoga. I brought this up in my last post, I bring it up again because this a priority of mine that goes unnoticed frequently. I need this physical practice for my mental health, I always feel happier and healthier when I can do yoga, so there’s no excuse for me to NOT invest in this.

4. Independence. I don’t need anyone, who is in my life is here because I want them here. I don’t need anyone to make money for me, I’ll work. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m beautiful, I know. I don’t need people telling me what to wear, it’s my choice. I want to be myself again, not everyone else collectively. 

5. Music/Art. This is a part of my soul that heals with the hit of the play button. It should have never stopped being at the forefront of my life.

6. Reading and Writing. I don’t give myself time to do this, yet I have plenty of time to do everything. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but boredom ain’t it sis! This is how I process my thoughts and organize my mind, so it should be imperative.

7. Self-Love Rituals. I want to start putting effort into rituals that mean something to me and my craft. This includes bath rituals, cooking or baking rituals, or even smoke rituals. Either way, it’s a portion of my craft I neglect, and shouldn’t.

8. Go places by myself and face my anxiety. I always shoved my anxiety to the side and trained my brain to replace it with excitement. It worked for a long time, and then I lost my confidence and Independence. I need to focus on myself to accomplish this one. But I shouldn’t be nervous or scared going into public to get shit I want or need. Period. No one is focusing on me, so why should I focus on them? 

9. Sing in my car. I was recorded while singing passionately in my car twice this year. My anxious mind claimed they were making fun of me, and one was indeed laughing at me. BUT FUCK IT. Who cares if they record me or make fun of me or not? Why am I stopping my happiness because you think it’s funny? Fuck that, I’m too bad of a bitch to be worried about people who waste their time in that manner. I’ll give them a show next time. I refuse to be the victim anymore to anyone, including myself.

There is nothing stopping me except myself from pursuing the things in life that make me happy. Being aware of my own state of mind helped me realize this. And typing this out has helped me truly start the process of change for the better. 

As for my actual monthly goals; they are still in tact! Again, making myself aware of my eating has forced me to be mindful of the things I put into my body, including drinks. As a result of better habits forming, I’ve dropped a few pounds. Losing weight is not the goal, but the result of accomplishing my goal. As for exercise, I have started small by working on my legs and glutes. I have been doing up to 20 Jump Squats every day or every other day. This, of course, isn’t a routine, but it is progress from where I was doing nothing. As a result, my booty and thighs have been looking good and my number of squats has been going up! I haven’t created anything yoga wise yet, but anticipate on forming something sustainable once I have gotten into the habit of my squats. Saving $100 was not the best goal to set for the month of December (not the wisest move of a notorious over spender on gifts) BUT I still want this to happen, so! Rather than worrying about saving $100, I will focus on making sure I survive this month without over drafting. I already have and am in the negatives by 80 something dollars, but for the rest of the month, and into next year, I will shut down my checking account with that bank, keep my savings, and start using that as my emergency debit card. 

I’m doing better. I’m noticing progress. It’s small, but worth the tiniest amount of effort. I still struggle, and I will in the future, but right now I’m doing well. I will continue this journey with pride. 

I also want to learn more in regards to shadow work, and incorporating my craft into my workout routines, so if any of you actually reads this and has any ideas, let me know! Being healthy is the main goal!!!!! 

I appreciate those who read this or support it or even relate to it a bit. My last entry received a nasty comment, explaining how I was a basic bitch who needed to be educated and needed to stay out of the thinspo tag. For anyone who feels compelled to do that, just know you are much more emotionally invested in it than I am at that point. I simply don’t give 1, 2 or even 3 types of fucks about it. I’m doing this for me, if you follow then thank you, but if not then thank you for kindly leaving me alone.

I want to be me. Me alone, me without help, me with me. I still want to be with my boyfriend, and I know I have his support here, but this is my battle and I can’t rely on him to fix me or make me feel like me again. I am responsible for myself.

I’m doing better, and will continue to do so! Just let me know you guys’ thoughts, ideas or even experiences you may have went/are going through like this. I appreciate you all!

[firelord-frowny]

obligatory disclaimer that this post is ENTIRELY based on my own perceptions of my own experiences, and may or may not be true to a broader degree. 

anyway, Weight Stuff under the cut. also LMFAO this post is long as SHIT lmfaoooo and it doesn’t even end with the topic i meant for it to be about. 

Sooooo, i’ve always very loudly been on Team Mind-Your-Business-About-Other-People’s-Bodies, and i still am, and i am ALWAYS down to (usually gently) call out someone who’s overstepping their boundaries as far as other people’s bodies and lifestyles go, blah blah, and i am KEEEENLY aware of the damage people cause with fatphobia, and that rhetoric surrounding ~diet and exercise~ is almost ALWAYS malicious in terms of hyperfocusing on “ugly fat” and shaming people into feeling horrible enough about theirselves that they pay out the ass for Quick Fixes, and there’s almost 0 focus on The Actual Health Benefits of a healthy lifestyle other than just Maybe Being Slimmer. 

But alsoooooooooooooooooooooo???

i’ve always felt like, because of all that shit, it’s so difficult for me to feel comfortable talking about my own body and my own habits and my own shortcomings and my own goals. like, i DO feel bothered by the weight I’ve gained recently. NOT because it makes me feel ugly - i don’t feel ugly at all. i literally almost always feel beautiful lmao. NOT because i’m worried about how other people see me - i don’t have relationships with people who would give someone a hard time about their weight in the first place, and beyond that, i’m generally unconcerned with what people think of my appearance. 

the thing that bothers me is that i KNOW my weight gain has been the result of unhealthy lifestyle choices. i’ve always eaten more junkfood than anyone i know, and i’ve always tended to eat VERY few healthy things. so like... that’s bad enough for my health. but i ALSO don’t get much physical activity. and then covid hits and my job is snatched out from under me and i spend most of every day in the same 100 square feet. so like... OF COURSE i gained weight. lots of people did! people gain weight all the time for lots of reasons and nobody should feel bad or guilty about it. 

but for me, even though i don’t see my weight gain as cause to lament about my appearance, i DO see it as an indicator that i’m not taking very good care of myself. i mean, if i’m thinner with a shitty diet, then my thinness kind of allows me to ignore my bad choices because there’s no ~visual~ reminder. i know that’s prolly fucked up, but that’s what’s happening in my head. when i’m thinner, i don’t have to acknowledge that there are going to be consequences for my choices. 

but to SEE my body change as a direct result of crappy diet and no exericse??? it’s really made me see how urgent it is that i start treating myself better RIGHT the fuck now. i mean, i am Young, but i won’t be young forever, and the longer i keep eating garbage and sitting around all day, the sooner i can expect to start having real health issues. and like, heart problems run in my family (as they do in MANY black families). i already have pcos, and that puts me at a higher risk for stuff like that. 

so, it’s been scary to have to face the reality that i’m setting myself up for disaster. 

and i figured that CLEARLY i’ve been unable to get myself on track For Free, so i finally caved and signed up for noom, and i’m down almost 10 pounds already.

and i get on the scale and weigh myself and i feel proud! i feel happy! i feel capable! i feel like i’ve proven to myself that i CAN make better choices. i’m NOT weak-willed. i’m NOT incapable of taking care of myself. 

But then I feel like i shouldn’t say that out loud, or i shouldn’t tell people how glad i am to see the natural result of my healthier choices. 

i’m not glad because i look different - i’m glad because my different look is a sign that i’m succeeding in taking control of my lifestyle. my different look is visual evidence that i’m eating more fruit and whole grains and drinking more water and i’m eating less sugary foods and less meats, and i’m eating healthier portions, and i’m not snacking all day. i can SEE the proof that i’m making choices that are going to give me a better chance at staying healthy throughout my life. 

i’m KINDA exaggerating in that i don’t actually think i LOOK different just yet lmao i feel like i look more or less the same. but i definitely do FEEL some subltle differences. i mean maybe it’s a placebo effect, but i think my forearms are slightly narrower and my bewbs are a bit less... cumbersome lmao. (i SWEAR like half of the weight i’ve gained has been in my boobs alone omfg). 

but idk, i guess what i’m trying to express is that i just... don’t feel comfortable sharing how glad i am about my progress bc most of my social circles are comprised of people who are rightly critical of the way people talk and think about weight loss. i knooooow that most reasonable folks, if i give the Full Explanation about how my gladness is due to the fact that i can see that my lifestyle is changing for the better, would understand and would be happy for me. 

but uhhhh lmao some people Aren’t Reasonable and are committed to having a negative reaction to any statement that seems to exalt thinness in any context at all whatsoever. 

and i KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that a person’s weight is not an automatic indicator of their health, and you can’t assume that a person has Become Healthier just because they’ve lost weight, and you can’t assume that a person has become unhealthier just because they’ve gained it. there are all kinds of reasons for people being whatever size they are, and we can’t make those kinds of judgments about people’s size bc obviously we don’t know their life! we don’t know if they eat veggies and go jogging! we don’t know if a thin person has a cinnabon for breakfast every day or if a fat person is a professional dancer. so like. it’s stoopit to assume anything at all about a person’s health/lifestyle just based on their size. 

BUUUUUUUUUUT!!!! an individual person can make those judgements about their own size and their own health. like, people know why they’re the size that they are, whether it’s genetics or lifestyle or health related. one person who’s super thin knows it’s because they have a fast metabolism. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they starve theirself. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they intentionally make choices that would result in their size. and the same goes for big people! they know if they eat too much junk food, or if they’re just genetically ~meant~ to be their size, blah blah blah. 

so when a person talks about their own weight and how it relates to their own health and their own lifestyle, i feel like it’s Inappropriate to lecture them about how ~it’s okay to be fat, you don’t need to lose weight~ blah blah. bc like... DUH, it’s okay to be fat. whether it’s because of lifestyle or genes, it’s still okay. it’s allowed. and people should be free to feel beautiful and see theirselves as UNCONDITIONALLY valuable and intrinsically worthy of the space they occupy in the universe. If a person actually disparages theirself because of their weight, then sure, you’re probably welcome to tell that person that their size, no matter the reason for it, has no bearing on their worth and that they have the right to feel good about who they are and how they look. 

but if someone says, “you know, it’s really time that i finally started eating right and exercising so i can be healthier and lose weight,” thennnn... i feel like the only appropriate response is to cheer them on and tell them to go for it! if someone knows that their weight is the result of unhealthy habits, and they express a desire to change that, there’s no need to try to tell them that they don’t need to try to change it omfg. 

like... literally everyone needs to eat well and exercise in order to give theirself their best chance at staying in good health. thin people need to eat well and exercise. fat people need to eat well and exercise. they only people who DON’T need to eat well and exercise would be people who are actually physically incapable of rigorous movement or people who are, idk, allergic to most ~healthy~ foods. 

So if someone who’s been eating junk and sitting around tells you that they want to start eating well and exercising... that’s a GOOD THING. 100% of the time. it’s ridiculous to respond to that with a lecture about ~all sizes are beautiful~ and ~you can do whatever you want, you don’t have to Fit The Mold~ like omfg THAT’S NOT THE POOOOOIIIINNNTTTT!!! 

basically, i feel like in the midst of rightly defending fat people’s right to exist as they are, some of the Discourse has inadvertently careened into the absurd territory of actually DISCOURAGING people from making HEALTHY lifestyle changes that would result in weight loss. 

as i’m typing this, it also occurs to me that there seems to be an assumption that anyone who intends to lose weight is planning to do it via extreme but temporary methods like restrictive diets and unsustainably vigorous exercise. 

i feel like some people need to acknowledge that there’s a difference between “i’m only going to eat one meal a day and exercise for 4 hours a day so i can lose 30 pounds before my wedding day,” and “i’m going to lose my excess weight by transitioning to a healthier lifestyle.” the former describes an unhealthy and unsustainable attempt to starve and overwork yourself to lose x amount of pounds that you’re inevitably gonna regain after you go back to your normal habits, and it’s exclusively focused on appearance. like, it CAN’T be about health, because those methods are unhealthy! you don’t get healthy by doing unhealthy things! 

the latter describes a legitimately healthy way of life that can and SHOULD be sustained for a person’s whole life if ptll ossible. there’s no need to try to force your body into a different shape in a short amount of time when you could instead just allow your size to adjust slowly to a permanent and positive lifestyle change. 

but it seems like there’s a knee-jerk reaction to condemn weight loss in any context altogether. 

i under staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand why people might have that attitude and i’m not mad about it. i GET why some people might be hypervigilant about condemning any belief that suggests that being fat is something that a person should be unhappy about, and i don’t want people to stop doing that. 

but i doooooooooooooooooo think that perhaps it’s time that people begin learning to trust other people’s analyses of their own bodies and their own choices and their own goals, and learn to tell when a person’s weight loss is motivated by genuine health reasons, or by social pressure/shame/embarrassment. not everyone who wants to lose weight hates their body. not everyone who wants to lose weight has low self esteem. people can feel fabulous and gorgeous in their current body, and still want to make choices to change it via improving their health.

and like! some people genuinely just don’t WANT to lose weight that they know they’ve gained from unhealthy habits. some people are totally fine with living their life the way they like to live it, and prioritizing their enjoyment of their lifestyle over efferts to prevent future health issues. and that’s their right! and nobody should say shit about it! mind ya business! 

i kinda compare it to like... cave divers, or daredevils, or mountaineers. those are all HELLA dangerous activities that kill or seriously injure a LOT of people. and the people who engage in those activities KNOW this. they KNOW that they’re at a significantly higher risk of premature death compared to people who DON’T do those things, and they know that they could increase the odds of living a log time by Not Doing Those Things. 

but they do it anyway! because they want to! because they think it’s fun! because the enjoyment of the activity is, for them, worth the risk of harm. they’re living a lifestyle that could kill them, but nobody says shit about it. nobody shames them for it. they just accept that people have the right to be cray cray if that’s what they want to do. people might think daredevils are stupid, but they’re not trying to bully them into quitting. 

so if somebody wants to eat a diet comprised of nothing but eating cinnabons 3 times a day every day their whole life, that’s their right! mind ya damn business! if somebody hates exercise enough that they’re okay with the possibility of health problems down the line, then fine! it would be fair to worry about that person and to wish that they’d make differen choices, in the same way that it would be fine for someone to worry about their dearedevil friend and wish that they weren’t a daredevil. but it’s still not grounds to be a dickhead to them. 

[radiqueer]

I'm sorry if this is an intrusive question, but in your knowledge, how does ednos manifest? Both for you and people you might know. I know for a fact that my relationship with food is not fucking normal, but I don't exactly know what to make of it and...wth...

ednos stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified” which means it reps ALL eating disorders not covered under other diagnostic criteria. most, something like 70% of eating disorders fall in this category.

MY ednos looks something like this: i have an avoidant and distressed response to food and being told to eat. i tend to delay eating for as long as possible. i’m underweight and too thin for my age+weight, but i don’t have body image issues other than a generalized gender dysphoria that can’t be solved by transition. often, i delay eating for as long as possible. often this results in headaches and chronic exhaustion, shaking hands, nausea, loss of ability to focus (compounded by adhd). for example, right now I’ve eaten food equal to one slice of toast and one cup of tea since i woke up at 9am - it’s 2:20pm as i write this. 

it’s hard for me to push myself to eat because i have adhd; executive dysfunction makes completing the steps of acquiring food difficult. i have autism and texture issues due to that which make eating a lot of food difficult. the food that i can stand, i often still need to be pushed into eating. i hate when people tell me i need to eat or gain weight and sometimes refuse to do the latter out of misery and spite. depression adds a layer of weight on top of all of this. 

fundamentally, my eating disorder is about my desire to avoid eating because i feel like it’s unnecessary, distressing, and repetitive. there’s no solution for this that i can envision.

a friend was kind enough to share their experience with me also:

my eating has definitely been disordered at times and I’ve only just now, in my thirties, gotten a handle on it

so, I grew up in a house where my mother (whom I love) was always insecure about her weight and always dieting. so the language she always used - and still uses - about food is very morality-based. some foods are ‘bad’, others are ‘good’. if you have a bad food, you’re being wicked, and even if she says it with a sort of humorous thrill, as a kid you still internalise the guilt

it was also a house where, for various reasons, we never really had any chips or chocolate or candy or snacks like that around, only basic ice cream sometimes and never soda

so the combination of this meant that, when I did encounter junk food, I’d go buckwild and compulsively stuff my face, because if it was my only opportunity to eat it, then I had to eat AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

the added result was that, if I ended up with a surplus of junk food, like from easter or christmas, I had to eat it all IMMEDIATELY, because if I ate it all at once (in my mind) then I was only being bad once, and that was therefore better than eating a little each day and being bad each day

plus, I couldn’t control myself

which was one thing when I lived at home and didn’t control the shopping, but as an adult I’d never learned self-control or how to stop eating junk when

I was full, because I’d developed a compulsion around itthe fact that I can now have a tub of ice cream in the house and not eat three bowls the day I buy it, or have chocolate and not eat it all at once, or anything like that, is a development that’s really only been true for like… a year? if that?

like, I was making progress towards this state of affairs for a while, but the fact that there are uneaten lindt balls in my cupboard right now would’ve been impossible a year and a bit ago

plus the whole 'food is my only comfort while pregnant’ thing probably set me back a bit

but I’ve really worked at being mentally calm around it and reminding myself the food will still be there tomorrow and that’s okay, that looking forward to it for tomorrow is nicer than stuffing myself now when I’m already full

so that’s another way it can manifest. and here’s yet another:

I grew up in a household that is, uh, increasingly fucked up about food - - it's worse now than when I lived there - - but I dealt with most of it (along with the rest of the emotionally shitty aspects of living there) by just... mentally withdrawing from anything that wasn't safe. We ate meals together when I was little, so maybe food tied into that, idk.

I'm also autistic and not super in touch with my body at the best of times. So... it was pretty easy to just... forget to eat.

I found some risk criteria for developing an eating disorder sometime in high school, and accurately recognized myself in the parts that were focusing on "perfectionist" and "very focused on self control," so I made a very deliberate effort to Not Diet pretty early on. I was the only non athletic family member (still am--everyone else will run marathons or 5ks together on family gatherings) in part because I couldn't breathe when I ran, and I'm also the fattest person in my immediate family.

I tend to stop eating and think of food as actively unsafe and hostile when I get stressed out, and my willingness to eat tends to be one of the first things to deteriorate when my mental health does. I tend to eat high sugar things when that happens, trying to get calories into me, and that sometimes crashes my blood sugar and makes everything worse.

As an adult, I've also been broke for most of my adult life and very conscious of my finances. If I haven't planned ahead and brought food with me, I often find it hard to convince myself that it's worth it to spend the money on a snack or meal for myself - - which means I skip a lot of meals and then wind up wondering why I'm in a brain fog.

I avoid diet talk very rigidly, in part because I am really worried about what might happen if I picked it up. It's really tempting sometimes to just not eat anything at all, maybe have a Real Problem someone might care about, get that positive validation about my body even though said body doesn't work so great in terms of breathing no matter what.

if any of these experiences, or aspects of these experiences resonate, consider that you may have an eating disorder.

here is one description of what a healthy relationship to food looks like. because we live in a diet culture, it’s often really hard to tell what’s normalized dysfunction, what’s a diagnosable eating disorder, and what is healthy and normal - and sometimes, healthy and normal aren’t the same thing. people with healthy relationships to food will

eat when they want to

eat as much as they feel like eating

eat what they feel like eating

not hold their habits and needs against themselves

give their body as much energy as required to sustain AND thrive

have compassion with themselves for shifting needs - more food on one day is as valid as less food on another.

do not weight- or body-shame themselves or others

respect their bodies capacities, limits, and needs

(one thing you hear when looking for recovery tips for eating disorders is to “respect and honour your hunger” and “to make peace with food” but if your ED is anything like mine, you can see how difficult this is. my problem isn’t a lack of peace with food, it’s that eating is inherently distressing for me and everything else just keeps making it harder and worse.

but you know what would help my ED? eating foods one-course meals (which I do already) and eating things which don’t require assembly or complexity. foods like pasta, pizza, sandwiches, curd-rice, are all easier for me to eat than anything else. i try to snack on chocolate and chips and fruit, because they’re easily accessed and provide energy. my goals for myself are small: eat, as much as you are able to, do not unduly distress yourself.)

don’t punish yourself for having to figure out your access needs around food from scratch. don’t hurt yourself for what you need to eat and what you find easy.you can have an ednos at any weight. remember that more weight is better than less weight - more IS healthier. take care of yourself

recovering from an ednos looks different for everyone because ednos ARE different for everyone. it’s up to you to figure out your balance, but of course there is help and resources available. check out blogs like @heavyweightheart. try to cultivate a body positive and disability positive environment around yourself, because that helps no matter what you have going on. best of luck! 

[slingsendarrows]

Reading “Hunger”

“Every body has a story and a history.”

I bought “Hunger” by Roxane Gay at a Chapters bookstore in Victoria, BC. It was December 2018, and I was spending the weekend with my current fuck buddy. I remember reading the first couple of chapters while he attended to a client he was training. I was immediately uncomfortable--she speaks so openly about hunger in a naked way. Hunger, not only for food but for other things we use food to fulfill. Living in a body I also have considered unruly since I was thirteen it was comforting to know someone I admire is also a fucking mess. I felt better and horrible knowing I was not alone in despising my fatness in this age of body positivity.

Living in our bodies as women often feels hopeless. We want to fit in and be seen for who we are. We want to have greater social currency beyond our clothing size, but the world constantly reminds us it is highly unlikely. Our families “lovingly” prod us to lose the excess weight dreading our dwindling prospects as our girths expand. I am not even at Roxane Gay’s level of fatness ,but I constantly will myself to disappear. I wear clothes that hide my pudgy belly and berate my thunder thighs.

I haven’t been able to workout during the two months of our covid-19 induced lockdown. This has led to crushing anxiety and a hunger for safety and comfort. I have long turned to food for that salve.

It is difficult to remember a time when I did not eat to simply feel better, expend boredom, channel frustration, reduce anxiety, and/or punish my lack of willpower.

“Hunger” doesn’t offer a solution. It is unvarnished truth about the realities of being fat in a society that is unwilling to understand the why of the unruly body. A society wishing fatness simply removed from its sight. We celebrate when people significantly reduce their size and a create narrative that weight loss inherently equals a better life beIt. You will be healthier, wealthier, loveable, and by extension, acceptable. And god forbid you are accepting of your body, dare of be happy and ARE successful? That is an outcome the world will not abide.

“My sad stories will always be there. I am going to keep telling them even though I hate having stories to tell. These sad stories will always weigh on me, though that burden lessens the more I realize who I am and what I am worth.”

The truth is: I don’t want to be fat. I like how I feel when I am thinner. I like the confidence and can even tolerate shopping. I like the desire and attention of men’s lust. I enjoy the feeling of admiration. Does it bother me that men who would never look at me twice are suddenly ravenous when I am 20lbs lighter? Of course. But what can I do? Fight the tide of patriarchy, misogyny and sexism? Some days I will rail. Some days I am tired. Most days it is a losing battle. How can I can seek to change the world? I can’t even change the way I feel about myself.

To me, my self-worth and my happiness are inextricably intertwined with the size of my body. Even with stretch marks and scars, I know I will be happier smaller. So I will always fight to achieve that goal. I have no idea what it looks like. I thought I was getting close last June but loneliness, isolation and desperate attachment resulted in a 25lbs gain over seven months.

Today I started yet another “meal plan” to get my hunger under control yet again. The latest strategy is trying not to be perfect, using the guide to eat when I physically feel hunger and prioritizing making healthy food choices above strictly adhering to the container/measuring system.

The one take away from reading this book is: 1. I am not alone. 2. Talking about the real nature of living in my body, if only to myself, is necessary even if there is no foreseeable solution or hope that things may ever be different.  

Chapter 74 is painfully familiar:

Part of the reason relationships and friendships can be so difficult for me is because there is a part of me that thinks I have to get things right. I have to say the right things and do the right things or I won’t be liked or loved anymore. It’s stressful, so then I engage in an elaborate attempt at being the best friend or girlfriend and get further and further away from who I really am, someone with a good heart, but also someone who may not always get things right. I find myself apologizing for thins I shouldn’t be apologizing for. I find myself apologizing for who I am.

And even when I am with good, kind, loving people, I don’t trust that goodness, kindness, or love. I worry that sooner and later, they will make my losing weight a condition of their continued affection. That fear makes me try harder to get things right, as if I am hedging my bets.

All of this makes me very hard on myself, very driven. I just keep working and working and working and trying to be right, and I lose sight of who I am or what I want, which leaves me in a less ideal place. It leaves me...nowhere.

With age comes self-awareness or something that looks like self-awareness, and so I try to be on the lookout for patterns of behavior, choices I’m making where I am trying too hard, giving too much, reaching too intently for being right is what someone else wants me to be. It’s scary, though, trying to be yourself and hoping yourself is enough. It’s scary believing that you, as you are, could ever be enough.

There is an anxiety in being yourself, though. There is the haunting questions of “What if?” always lingering. What if who I am will never be enough? What if I will never be right enough for someone?

This is how I feel most hours of the day. Am I enough? If I refuse a favor, neglect to offer, or stay in bed all day, will I lose love and affection? Will I always feel so easily discarded and disregarded? When will I believe I am enough? When will I let myself be? When will the risk of losing myself overcome the fear of being alone long before I engage in precarious and harmful attachments? I wish I could say this will not be an issue in the future. I wish I could guarantee from now on I will choose my romantic partners deliberately. I wish I can say I will stop depending on another’s desire of me as reason to be romantically involved with them without considering if I want them in return. But there is no guarantees. Hardwired behaviors and self-perceptions are difficult to override. You can overcome society, maybe, but how can you overcome yourself?

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”--Maya Angelou

[nicolekidmanwigfactory]

ok, so listen to the shit my psychiatrist told me yesterday because IT. IS. JUICY. (TW: eating disorders)

i need to vent but here’s a read more in case you wanna skip this because this is LOOOOOONG

i was describing to her how i’m currently pricing out personal trainers to help me start exercising again in a healthy, non-disordered way because the last three times (in the past 18-24 months or so) that I tried to start working out again, I found myself spiraling and getting overly anxious or unrealistic about my goals, so i’d either overexercise, restrict, and/or purge.

as i described the height of my exercise compulsion-- highest intensity elliptical for 60 minutes or 2000 calories burned (whichever came second) every single day, no exception (Sundays were my off day and I relished them)-- from seven years ago, which was worse than the actual bulimia at times, she just cut me off and said an hour a day wasn’t too bad, ignoring 1. the 2000 calories thing, 2. that i weighed about 130lbs less I do now, and 3. i was either severely restricting or compensating for binge behaviors from voracious appetite swings 4. caused by hormonal fluctuations 5. due to then-undiagnosed thyroid cancer.

BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. then she laid into my dietitian and said eating disorder dietitians in general are overly focused on “making sure their patients are comfortable eating” instead of losing weight (if they're ones who need to, of course). ummm...getting me less regimented in my eating is the fucking point. i’d eat something i wasn’t “supposed” to and then purge it somehow (exercise, vomit, restriction, etc.). <-- that’s the fucking basics of the fucking disorder, and that’s not even explicitly mentioning the mental illness aspect.

again, she told ME, A LONG-DIAGNOSED, DEPRESSED GRADUATE STUDENT WITH A HISTORY OF TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA AND OTHER EATING DISORDERS that i need to lose weight. Yes, i know that. does she really think i don’t know that? i wear my clothes and look in the mirror and have been in eating disorder treatment for the past five fucking years. what makes her think this is news to me? does she not think i don’t remember how I bust my ass off to healthily lose 100 pounds in college, and then gained it all back (and then some) in FOUR FUCKING MONTHS when my bulimia turned into binge eating disorder and my EATING-DISORDER AND QUASI-SUICIDAL MIND tricked myself into thinking this was the healthier option?! BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL REMEMBER. she does have the point that my weight is not healthy in the long-term (of course i know that), but neither is a fucking depression and any kind of eating disorder.

i WANT to lose weight but my dietitian agreed to work with me on the condition that my focus COULD NOT be on losing weight (she was gonna work with me no matter what, but she’s a genius with how she approaches her clients) until my eating patterns were stable and the frequency of my disordered behaviors dropped dramatically (which they have- i’ve only purged ONCE in the past year. My binges are not just far and in between but also much smaller and cheaper than they used to be). so if she’s gonna come after my dietitian, this psychiatrist is also coming after me because i would not be where i am without her (+ my therapist).

okay, i did expect some of this coming into the appointment though, so i did subject myself to this a little. she said some of this stuff in october at the first appointment i had with her but i was able to talk back against it in my head and discuss it with my therapist and i didn’t think about it again for a couple weeks. but the shit she was saying yesterday was just so much more inappropriate and insensitive that I only tolerate it for the refills on my meds.

i’m not saying she’s an awful psychiatrist. i just feel she needs to work on her bedside manner, or at least with her overweight eating disordered patients (because we already feel pretty shitty about that, and you don’t even need to have an eating disorder to feel that) or she needs more training in eating disorder treatment protocol. at one point in both appointments, she implied with the subtlety of a sledgehammer that it won’t be possible for me to have good self-esteem at my current size and weight, which completely defeats the point of body positivity and loving yourself at any size (FYI: Loving yourself at any size ≠ pro-obesity. Anyone who says otherwise is looking for a socially acceptable way to hate on fat people. The key word is “any.”).

All this said, she is a capable clinician. the medication regimen she has me on is working beautifully. my depression is so much more stable and the highs and lows of my mood are more like speed bumps and potholes than the mountains and ocean trenches of before. my anxiety is under much better control too (though a lot of that is because of the strategies I’ve been working on with my wonderful therapist) and the anxiety is also more situational. after all, i did go a gay bar by myself last weekend for the first time ever (it was at 2:00 on a Sunday afternoon, but i still did it despite the anxiety!). 

I am also so appreciative of her ADHD diagnosis. I was apprehensive at first because the diagnosis was so quick and not even the focus of the appointment, but the medication she put me on is working. i thought that high school killed any enjoyment i once had for serious, intellectual reading, but since the medication i’ve started paging through the plethora of books i’ve bought over the years but never read and gotten absorbed by random pages even though i don’t know what’s going on. I don’t remember the last time was able to concentrate for extended periods of times without a deadline or outside pressure. i can read lengthy journal articles in record time and still absorb the information. the only downside is they kill my appetite, which she admitted she is part of the reason why prescribed them for me. (this part i’m not that upset about since i have been on binge suppressants for years and I see this as an additional tool- I’ve had no urge to abuse them other than the ED voice that instinctually tells me to, but I’ve just ignored it from the beginning).

so even though she is highly insensitive to my needs, she is also a highly capable and otherwise qualified psychiatrist. however, during therapy today, i discussed her comments with my therapist and that I would continue to see her while i searched/waited for an appointment with a different psychiatrist, since I had to wait 7 months to see this current doctor. instead, my therapist jumped on the phone, called a couple numbers and was able to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist she trusted for right after the new year. so i only have to see this current one once more and that’s only so I can get refills and continue my current medication regiment, which been working wonderfully for me.

i didn’t mean to make this so long but it feels good to get this out. my clinician is gonna inform my dietitian (which is making me impatient for my next appointment because she was ready beat a bitch last time because of this doctor and i want to see what she has to say this time) and then, if i didn’t mind, she wanted to bring this up with some managers at her location. i don’t care if she informs some higher ups, i just don’t want my name to get back to the psychiatrist until after the next/last appointment. i’m also going to file a complaint, not for vengeance or anything, just so her superiors can hopefully let her know how other patients might interpret her comments.  

at least for me, this psychiatrist’s comments aren’t about me not being able to handle what i don’t want to hear. they were unprofessional, inappropriate, and frankly, uninformed and dangerous. if i hadn’t been further along in my recovery, i might have been liable to abuse my adderall as an appetite suppressant for weight loss purposes, start exercising and dieting again when i’m not mentally ready, or just accept her fat-shaming for what it wasn’t since since it was coming out of the mouth of an MD.

But I’m lucky to be in a place where I can recognize those comments for what they are. And I give credit to my therapist and dietitian, who’ve gotten me that place in the past year and a half (and I guess the current psychiatrist deserves some credit too for her medication regimen that was effective right off the bat, but that’s where I’ll leave it). And to the therapists, dietitians, and doctors I’ve have in the past five years, but mostly to my current ones, because they got me back on track when I moved back to WI and then further along than I have ever gotten before. Their voices are nagging in my ear to myself credit to, so I guess I played my part too.

@lorinwasadiver let me know when you’ve read this bc i want to know your angry thoughts

[armada-of-ships-against-antis]

I'm studying to be a RDN and whenever people online try to lecture fat people on how weight loss is sooooo simple and fatophobia is fake and "shaming actually works, you guys!" I die a lil inside

I admit I had some problems finding out what RDN really stands for (since wikipedia gives you a small list of what I could mean and in this case I assume it was non of them)So I think you are going to be a registered dietitian nutritionist, yes? I would actually like to hear some insights on that topic. When I was a child/teen I thought that this whole stuff had to be easy and I was just a fat kid, because I was dumb. That mindset stayed some time with me, even when I tried to eat healthier (at least what I was taught was healthy). But to be honest, when I got interested into vegetarian and vegan diets I stumbled over so many discussions and contradicting statements from contradicting studies. It was like my whole life I thought: Hey we are smart, we have figured this stuff out. I mean look at us, we already visited the moon, so we should know what is healthy and what not.

But it seems like we know… very little. Mostly because analyzing food in science is so complicated. You don’t have a petri dish, inject something and see how it works. And you also have to take into account that not all bodies are the same, ect, ect, ect.

On the other hand I was also for many years shamed for my weight. I’m overweight, I fucking know that, but like in that article I reblogged, some doctors just LOVE to tell you that. Just a month ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist because of my migraine and my depression. But of course HE had to ask me if I was aware that I was overweight and should just go out more. No shit Sherlock!

I also told my normal therapist, who I work with for 5 years now, that sometimes I feel like garbage just for how I look. Mostly when I overall feel very down or if I’m in a phase of depression again. I lack energy to even stand up, and I hate myself for it. But oh what a surprise, when I start getting better again, mentally, I also feel more energetic again. I feel motivated to go out and stuff.

The part that still irritates me, that I find other overweight people beautiful. I don’t care about the weight and stuff. But when I think about myself I still have that feeling that I can’t be beautiful until I loose that weight. It’s kind of hard wired into my brain and I’m already working on this for years to battle my own insecurities. And the better I feel about myself, the better I can take care of myself. Simple as that.

[endlessly-elizabeth]

Body image. A topic that I find, like many of you, difficult to talk about sometimes. Let me start by saying this: my body is nowhere near “perfect” and it never will be. What is perfection anyways? Being slender? Being curvy? Slim thicc? Everyone is attracted to different traits, body types, hair colors, etc. It’s all about preference. I’ve battled with myself for far too long about body image and it’s taken me years to try to be body positive. I’m still not happy with where I am, but I’m amazed with how far I’ve come.

I’ve never been “skinny.” I was a chubby baby and it didn’t stop there. My brother called me fat on a daily basis when I was growing up. My grandpa told me if I kept eating as much as I was, I was going to look like my mother one day. My grandmother told my mom I had large thighs. One of my childhood friends told me I had cellulite (well, we didn’t know what cellulite was back then. She referred to it as “dimples”). Classmates made snide comments about my weight and/or my appearance during the years that I craved acceptance the most. Once all of these flaws were brought to my attention, it was hard for me to ignore them.

In some ways, I had a normal childhood like everyone else. I grew up in a nice neighborhood, I always had kids my own age to play with, and I did well in school. I didn’t have many hobbies outside of having play dates, spending time outside, and writing in a diary before I went to bed at night...but I still felt happy and fulfilled. My parents stayed married and kept any kind of problems they may have had private. I had a brother I could always play video games or watch tv with. I had a great group of friends. Life truly was as easy and loving as it could have been for me. Until my brother got sick.

I don’t want to draw too much attention to it or get to personal with these stories, because I don’t want people to look at me any differently. But my brother used to hit me...a lot. And over the smallest things. He seemed very much unlike himself. His demeanor would change like the flip of a switch and he could go from being perfectly content to aggressively angry. Most of the time, he took his anger out on me. I was the closest person in proximity to him, so I was, unfortunately, an easy target. I’m also three years younger than him.

 I distinctly remember one of my friends coming over to the house when my parents weren’t home, and my brother was on the computer. We asked him if we could use it--I wanted to show her how to create a new AIM screen name (holy throwback!). He repeatedly told me no. I threatened to call our mom (wasn’t that how you got your siblings to do anything when you were kids?). He rose from the chair and started wailing on me until I fell to the ground. He hovered over me and continued to hit me, despite how much I was crying out in pain. My friend jumped on the couch and started yelling at him, saying she was going to call the police if he didn’t stop. We were both hysterical--my friend hysterical with fear, and I was hysterically in pain. I don’t remember anything after that, honestly. I probably tried to block in out from my memory.

He used to threaten me not to tell my parents. I listened to him because I didn’t want to be in pain again. I had tried telling my parents before...I don’t know if they were in denial, or if they just thought it was normal sibling behavior. Eventually, my parents started witnessing more of the pent up anger he had and took him to see a child counselor. He seemed to be handling his anger better but things took a turn for the worse. His health seemed to be declining. My parents had to keep an extra set of clothes at school for him because he had suddenly lost his ability to tell when he had to go to the bathroom. He was late to school one day and when my dad and I went to drop him off, we watched him hook his arm through one of the straps, and when he went to do the second one, he just completely fell over. We went to our doctor and she was watching him walk in a straight line. “Pick up your foot!” I had said to him. There was one foot that seemed to be dragging behind the other. 

I don’t remember all of the details, but it turned out that he did have a serious medical problem. He had a cyst that hung off of his spinal cord that was affecting his balance, and he had a brain tumor. The next year or two were hard. He had to have emergency surgery that left me to be shuffled between different friends and family’s houses. I had to have out-of-state family members stay with me so he could see specialists in New York. He was in the hospital and a rehabilitation center for a long time, and eventually had to move in with my grandpa because his spinal surgery caused him to have to relearn how to walk again. Our grandpa’s house was a rancher-style and the only steps were to get into the basement.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this. During the years that this was happening, my brother and I were both at ages where our brains were actively growing. It was the time when our perception of who we were as people began to form. I felt abandoned at that time--by my family for leaving me behind and keeping me out of the loop. I felt like they cared more about him than they did me, (Of course, I realize now that the problems were bigger than me--they almost lost him and needed to tend to him. Putting me with friends and other family members was the best avenue they could’ve taken, without having to pull me from school.) My life seemed chaotic. I was being teased by classmates about his medical problems and how I probably had them, too.

Everything seemed to normalize once my brother moved back home, but he was never the same. The loving relationship we had before his medical problems began to surface had completely disintegrated. He was bitter that I had a normal life and wasn’t plagued by the same hardships he faced. It created a resentment that was almost palpable. He still let anger consume him and he’d make me his punching bag. While it wasn’t necessarily physical anymore, he still made an effort to hurt me with his words. He made me feel worthless by calling me fat and ugly.

I carried the weight of my childhood and turned to eating as a source of comfort. Food was something that I could always rely on. So, when my brother or my classmates made me feel bad, I ate. And ate. And probably ate some more. This certainly didn’t help me with my self-esteem or my body image. I was definitely chubby, but I wouldn’t say I was ever “fat.” I think the most I ever weighed was 170, which is embarrassing to admit now. But guys didn’t like me. They thought I was nerdy and couldn’t be bothered to get to know me because of my appearance. Looking back, I think I attribute my relationship with my brother to my fear of men. I was uncomfortable being around them one on one to the point where I’d get physically sick. I guess that explains my nonexistent dating life in high school and college...Here’s a super personal fact about me: I was so afraid of guys and the idea of being physically intimate with someone, I didn’t kiss anyone until I was twenty-one. Yes, you heard that correctly. Thank goodness for that one guy I allowed myself to take a chance on and who was super patient with me.

Those years were hard. Both emotionally and mentally draining. Once I graduated college, I made an active effort to eat better and to shed some of that weight. I wanted to grow into a confident, happy version of myself who wasn’t afraid of male attention. I wanted to like what I saw in the mirror. Being out of school absolutely helped me make better food choices--I wasn’t constantly surrounded by french fries, burgers, milkshakes, etc. I started feeling mentally healthier once I became more physically active. Now, mind you, my weight still fluctuates to this day. But I am proud to say that I am thirty pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, and I’ve grown to be more body positive. I don’t shy away from clothing that hugs my body anymore. I used to be petrified to wear shorts in public because I have cellulite on my legs, but I started showing more of my body off two years ago and I’ve realized that I am my own worst critic. I know that the cellulite is there, so I assume that everyone else is staring at it as heavily as I was, but they’re not. Can they see the little dimples on my legs when I wear shorts or dresses? Sure. Is it the most appealing thing to look at? No. But, I’m fucking human. I have cellulite, who the fuck cares?

I used to let it RUN my life. I would only go “so far” with a guy because I didn’t want him to see me entirely naked. I was afraid that if a guy saw that I had cellulite on my legs (and butt, let’s be honest), that it would somehow make me less attractive or less lovable in his eyes. I constantly told myself I wasn’t good enough for someone who was very physically fit because I’m not toned and have those little dimples. I criticized myself to the point where I felt ugly. I still have that cellulite. My legs still jiggle every time I walk, but you know what? I don’t care as much. I truly believe that I suffered from that ugly duckling syndrome. I finally became the swan when I began taking care of myself. I’m on my feet for at least five hours a day at my job. I was exercising multiple times a week before my back started hurting, so that is something that I slowly want to bring back into my routine. I gave up Dunkin Donuts, bread, and pizza for lent, and I feel so much better. I haven’t quite seen the weight loss that I’ve been looking for, but I feel more energized. I enjoy making healthier food choices. I enjoy curling my hair, wearing makeup, and wearing a dress that shows off my very imperfect body. I’m tired of trying to attain perfection or feeling bad about myself when I scroll through my social media apps and realize that my body is painfully average. I’m still a damn queen, even with a couple extra dimples. It’s about time I start acting like it! 

[gaiatheorist]

Healthy/Happy.

(Yes, it’s a spin-out from one of my mid-life health-check blood tests coming back outside normal parameters. My Potassium level was 5.7, 6 is indicative of imminent renal failure. After the initial “I am going to DIE!” panic-palpitations, and the associated anxiety that elevated blood-Potassium can cause palpitations, I calmed down, and reassured myself that it was one spike on an otherwise OK chart. The nurse had to use a special small needle, because my veins are uncooperative, ‘bruising’ of the blood during difficult drawing can cause erroneous results. I’d consumed LOADS of water, to flush the excessive alcohol out of my system for the urine test, and likely sent my kidneys into overdrive. The blood sample could have been damaged in transit. I won’t actually know if my kidneys are fucked until the second sample is tested, but that didn’t stop my brain throwing a lovely “You can’t eat THAT!” tantrum while I was grocery shopping. My kidneys are damaged, or they were when I was 14 or 15, virtually constant urinary tract infections as a child led to some scarring, and an ‘acute over-dilation of the upper uretral tract’. Welcome to me, it’s exhausting.)

I’m going to park the fact that I’m incredibly unhealthy right alongside the concern that the UK government is destroying the NHS. I am giving no mind-space to “Well, it won’t matter if your kidneys fail if that nutter presses the button.”

I am fat-ist. I don’t mean to be, and I try not to be openly, directly offensive to overweight people, because I have no idea why they’re overweight. If you want to unpick it, I had a childhood in active poverty, with both parents, and pretty much every other source of influence having an open “Look at the state of that!” attitude to overweight people. That will have been peasant-jealousy, that other people weren’t subsisting on off-cuts from their Dad’s on-off work at the chicken factory, and mince with gristle in it. Cut-through my maladaptive adolescence, where my body was the only thing I had any degree of control over, I effectively disabled my hunger-trigger. There wasn’t any food that wasn’t freezer-shop crap, I don’t eat much of that now, because it’s loaded with chemicals, and because it tastes ‘cheap’. You can be as clever as you like with seasonings, but a freezer-shop ready-meal is always going to have that damaged/’is-this-horse?’ taste to it. The last two decades saw me enfolded into the welcoming bosom of the ex’s family, as well as suffocating me, they were fond of trying to force-feed me, whilst carrying on wittering about which foods were ‘slimming’. Food isn’t ‘slimming’. I’m not sure ‘slimming’ can apply to food, food is fuel, it’s calories, and nutrition, it’s the holistic surrounding factors that influence whether the food you eat causes you to gain weight.

(Flash-back to a training course where there was an intelligent but heated debate on whether it was ‘better’ to continue eating junk-food, but just less of it, or to completely switch to a ‘healthy’ diet. Either way, weight would reduce, but one would have less emotional impact on the type of person who was used to junk-food, and didn’t actually have the desire to change.) 

These modern ‘diets’ and slimming clubs seem to put less emphasis on the ‘eat less’ angle, it looks, from the outside, and from the endless overheard discussions, that they’re about ‘different’, not ‘denial’. There’s been a decline in  the “Diet, day 4, I’m bastard STARVING!” comments on Fakebook, and an increase in the number of people posting their certificates showing how much weight they’ve lost. I am happy that they are happy, in my weird, couldn’t-actually-give-a-shit way. I’m happy when they’re more energetic, feel brighter in themselves, and are starting to enjoy life, rather than waddle about under cover of darkness. I’m less happy when they can only see the aesthetic aspect of the weight-loss, but that’s my weirdness, not theirs. 

I am slim, I’ve been hefty, but never crossed the arbitrary BMI-25 line, I’ve been so thin that the arbitrary line dipped under 18, I genuinely don’t know why I still bother calculating it. When I was up at the higher end, nobody said anything, joking that trouser-waistbands were training to be magicians, and rehearsing the ‘sawing a woman in half’ trick were normalised. Conversations about wearing ‘flattering’ clothes, to disguise belly-slabs, and wobbly bits were accepted, and the “I know I shouldn’t finish eating this, I’m full.” conversation went round on an endless loop. 

When I lost weight, suddenly everyone wanted to comment on it. In a negative way. “You’ve lost too much weight.” “There’s nothing left of you.” “You need to eat more pies.” You’re not ‘allowed’ to do that to people at the other end of the scale, in this society where ‘everyone’ is a bit overweight, you’re not supposed to ask people if they really need that third biscuit, or tell them that their trousers are so stretched-tight that you’re wondering if their cellulite could be read like braille. Thin women are fair game, though. I can sort-of understand some of it, I know I looked ill for a fair while. That would be because I was. I knew I was ill, and I knew I’d lost weight, people being ‘kind’ by pointing out they could see my ribs didn’t cause the scales to fall from my eyes, or help my obsession with the bathroom scales. (I went through a weird phase of taking a photo of the display on my scales each morning, and was a hair’s breadth from messaging it to the shrieky-office crew, who talked about nothing but Slimming World. I have a modicum of restraint, though.)

Weird. I was unhappy being that thin, I was weak, I was genuinely emaciated, and I’d taken in the waistbands on my trousers to stop me having to hitch them up every 30 seconds. I hope people just didn’t realise how hurtful-insensitive some of their comments were, or the restraint I showed in trying to deflect with humour, instead of just screaming at them. Some of them were unhappy with their own weight, but I don’t think there was any conscious kicking-downwards, I think that, in a society where ‘everyone’ wants to lose weight, seeing someone who has lost weight is a bit confusing. 

I’m waffling. People come in all shapes and sizes. The ‘size zero’ phenomenon a few years ago polarised opinion. The fashion industry WANTED to see ribs, and hip-bones, but the average UK citizen isn’t anything like that shape, so there was a backlash, that being THAT thin isn’t healthy. Now, we have the ‘obesity epidemic’, but most of us are too British-reserved to point out that someone’s a bit on the podgy side, in case we’re accused of body-shaming. Most of us aren’t tabloid newspapers, or internet trolls. Children, and adolescents are growing up in this world, this mixed-message world, the long-term consequences are terrifying, physically, and emotionally.

Disordered eating, in the broadest sense, is NOT about food, it’s about feelings. I’m lucky in that I’ve never equated food with a ‘treat’ or a ‘reward’, food is boring but necessary fuel for this sack of meat-we-don’t-eat. Listen to Tim Minchin’s ‘Fat Children’, and you see part of the problem. Another part of the problem is the on-the-wagon-off-the-wagon cyclic ‘dieting’, the kids aren’t seeing consistency, they either have role models who are snappy, ketone-breathed monsters, insisting they eat their vegetables, or comfort-eating, convenience-food couch-dwellers. Assimilate that into a developing data-matrix, with the government/NHS pushing for healthier lifestyles, the fashion models still being ‘too thin’, and the tabloids and trolls still playing fat’s-fair-game; any wonder they’re confused?  

In my opinion, there’s too much focus on aesthetics, and ‘look good, feel good’ is the wrong way around. I have genuine desires to start arguments with the parents coo-ing ‘pretty’ and ‘gorgeous’, and fucking ‘sexy’ at their pram-contents, but I don’t, because I’m British, and the type of person who tickles a baby, and says “Who’s sexy?” to it wouldn’t grasp my concern. Girls are ‘pretty’, and boys are ‘strong’, there must be no deviation from the established norm. That places pretty boys, and strong girls in a difficult position, when acquiring the requisite number of Fakebook-likes to validate their existence. 

I know I bang on about ‘happy’, and the myth of the Instagram/Fakebook perfect life, but this dichotomy forced on body-image is damaging. It’s a Goldilocks-myth, too hot, too cold, just right, but once the porridge is sorted, there’s the chair, and the bed, and HOLY FUCK IT’S A BEAR. The ‘just right’ doesn’t hold, because there’s always something else to find, or do, or change, people are happy, and then someone says something hurtful, and they feel the need to either justify themselves, or make another change. I’m not advocating stagnation, but, for the love of all the Gods, if you’re doing the ‘diet’ or exercise thing, do it for yourself, not for other people. If you want to be attractive, or attainable, that’s fine, as long as you’re doing it for yourself, and not just turning into a leggings-lemming. We all have a responsibility to ourselves to be healthy, or we’ll accelerate our own demise; we have a responsibility to be as ‘happy’ as we can, too, genuinely content with ourselves, not aesthetic-neurotic. 

[projectshania]

Sha-Why-a

Hey everyone!

Welcome to Project Shania, a blog about a big guy trying to loose weight in order to wear this sweet Shania Twain shirt to Bonnaroo.

Now, I know what you might be thinking after that first sentence; “This is fucking stupid. Why make a blog about this? Who cares?”

How do I know you’re thinking that? Well, I probably would have said the exact same thing to myself if I were to come upon this thing. 

(Full disclosure, I said that to myself when I first came up with this idea.)

So with that in mind, I figured this first post will be about what this is and what this isn’t, what I will write about and what I won’t write about. That sort of thing.

Actually, why don’t I come up with a mock interview with myself to hopefully clear up any questions. 

(OR FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO “CUT TO THE CHASE” SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM)

Let’s say the interviewer is named Glen Edwards from Health Dudes Magazine. (No, I’m not referencing the 1970s Steelers player. It just sounds like the name of a health magazine writer.)

Here we go...

Glen: So you’re really doing this?

Jake: Yep it’s on the internet and public so I guess I have to.

G: Is that why you’re doing this blog? Public accountability?

J: I think all of us have those friends who all of a sudden get this health kick and post on their social media accounts their desire to get in shape and then post every week (or for some, every other day) about their progress, diet changes, gym photos, etc. 

I have to be 100% honest, at first when I saw people doing that I found it pretty weird and self-centered BUT it suddenly clicked in my mind why some people do that and how helpful public accountability and encouragement can be and that it’s not self centered but actually okay to be proud of your progress and body.

G: So why do a blog? Why not post on your socials about your diet, progress, and gym photos?

J: Believe it or not I’m actually an extremely private and shy person when it comes to personal things so I know for a fact that I could not do that without feeling incredibly awkward. Therefore I came up with this idea for a blog to hopefully side step doing those things while also holding myself accountable.

G: So wait, you came up with a fake interview and are posting it to your new blog about losing weight to wear a Shania Twain shirt and you DONT want to come off as awkward?

J: I don’t know man. I’m a publicist. My mind works in interview format.

G: Fair enough. So...if this isn’t a blog about your weight loss and health what is this even about?

J: No it is! But I want to bring something a little different to the table to help me be open about all of this. In addition to writing about my progress, I also want to be very open about what is going on in my mind as I go on this journey in a hopefully honest but humorous way. 

G: With fake interviews and such?

J: No this will probably be the last time this will happen.

G: Why? Am I a bad interview?

J: No this is just kind of ridiculous to have a fake interview with yourself.

G: Well, you created me so...that’s on you.

J: ...

G: Okay, moving on. So what is this “journey”? What are your goals?

J: My goals are simple. I want to loose enough weight by Bonnaroo 2017 to fit into a medium sized Shania Twain t-shirt.

G: ...

J: Yes I know how that sounds.

G: Again moving on. What’s your current weight and shirt size?

J: I’m 250 lbs, 5″ 9′, and wear an XL shirt.

G: What is your weight goal? J: 150 lbs (the median weight amount of a 27 year old dude with my height.)

G: How do you plan on doing this? Do you wanna get swoll?

J: No swoll for me. Just trying to focus on being healthier. I’m going to work out 5 days a week. 3 days at the gym, 2 days working at home and 2 days of recovery.

In terms of diet, I honestly don’t believe in “diets” like in the Atkins diet sense or paleo diet or stuff like that. I really want to do this realistically for myself and my lifestyle and for me to do that, I want to just really focus on portion control and keeping everything in moderation. I’m already a vegetarian, but my diet heavily consists of pastas and potatoes and stuff like that. Though I won’t cut those things out completely, I do want to be smarter on where they fit into my diet and bring in more substantial and healthy items.

Of course, this is what I’m saying now. My views and diet can change and Im sure those will be reflected on this blog!

G: Okay so why THIS shirt? How did this come about?

J: For my 27th birthday my girlfriend gave me a bag full of gag gifts and this Shania Twain shirt was one of them. I took it out of the bag and was so excited because I’m actually an 80s / 90s country fan. Unironically believe it or not. 

*Exhibit #1: A photo of me in a Brooks & Dunn shirt at Bonnaroo 2016.*

Then, my girlfriend breaks the news. “Our office ran out of XLs and Ls. This is a medium sorry.”

I jokingly responded, “OKAY I get the hint!” 

We laughed, I put the shirt in the bag and continued to stuff my face with lasagna.

Then, about 3 days later after a very long night at a show, I came home and started packing and cleaning the apartment before I left for Seattle.

In my delirious state at 3am, I glanced at the shirt and thought to myself how much I wanted to lose weight to wear that shirt. And before I knew it, the whole idea grew from there.

G: Can we see the shirt?

J: Well, I was going to share with you a photo I took of the shirt but I found this super stylish, model photo from Urban Outfitters which is too good not to post.

G: Can we see you in the shirt first? Maybe do a before an after?

J: No.

G: Why not? J: I don’t want to ruin the shirt. I want the shirt to be in perfect condition. The first time I put it on will be at Bonnaroo. Regardless of what size I am! G: Why would you ruin the shirt though? J: ... Next question.

G: Why Bonnaroo? 

J: Well a few reasons. First, Bonnaroo holds a lot of significance for me. Full disclosure, I am the press coordinator for Bonnaroo. Last year was my first year working the festival and it was truly transformative for me. It was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done professionally and, to a certain degree (pun), physically due to running all over the fest with the heat and humidity. Between the sleepless nights over press issues and running around, I actually lost a significant amount of weight over the course of a week which made me feel great. Of course, within a week after the festival I gained all the weight back, which really upset me and I haven’t been able to quite shake it. So I thought, “Hey, losing that much weight by June is a realistic goal! Why not?”

Also, I wore that Brooks & Dunn shirt to Bonnaroo and it was a hit with the crew on the Farm. Lots of hi-fives which is always a plus.

G: This has been interesting thanks.

J: Good bye, forever.

G: Why’d you have to end it like that? *POOF*

So if you’ve read this far congrats! But, let me be 100% clear on something, no matter WHAT your weight is, if you are happy in life and you love yourself then keep doing what your doing!

For me, I am unhappy with myself and want to make a change.

I’m doing this in hope that maybe others who want to make a change too will read this and maybe find something useful or relatable or even funny and that maybe those things will inspire them to find their own project to focus on.

At the end of the day, a big reason why I never got into fitness or health and wellness is because I never found someone I could relate to. All of the fitness experts and youtube personalities and bloggers all looked like ripped movie stars who’s life is all centered around fitness and that you can only be healthy if you center your whole life and activities around working out.

I realize that if you are an unhealthy person, a life style change needs to happen in order to be successful but, I will never be one of those ripped health personalities with thousands of dollars of gym equipment in my basement and a stock pile of protein powders. 

So hear I am. Since I couldn’t find anyone I could relate to, maybe I can do that for someone else while also having a forum to work through this.

I am simply Jake. A 27 year old, over weight music industry professional with a loving girlfriend, a dog, a little apartment, and a Prius (ha. I know)

I have long work hours like anyone else from Monday to Friday (and sometimes weekends,) bills, car payments, rent and no budget for Whole Foods shopping sprees for vitamins, supplements and organic foods.

I’m going to try to make all of this work with my work schedule, lifestyle and budget. You’ll probably see me fail a lot, vent, and even be embarrassed (and to be honest, this whole thing is embarrassing to me already.) I think all of these things are important to see and write though. I’m only human and to feel frustrated and to make mistakes is human.

But HOPEFULLY you will also see me happy, excited, positive and ultimately successful.

Only time will tell though. Thanks for reading!

“LETS GO GIRLS!” - Shania

[pagingdoctordoesntgiveafuck]

It’s New Year’s Eve, 2018!!! 🎉

Oh my fucking god a new year is about to begin!

Today is more than an arbitrary date to add some excitement, joy, and/or excelerant to the general let-down after the holidays depending on your mental state.

Figuring all that out is your deal, however, if you’re like me and you can’t wait to put your body to the test of champions this new year, or you’re just telling everyone that’s what you’ll be doing so they go mind their own business so you can carry about yours, below are some completely unverifiable and unsolicited medical, dietary, fitness, relationship, and mental health tips that you can definitely read and use but that’s totally your decision!

P. S. Recommended age of audience for this blog is 35+

Tip #1

I Gotta Lose Weight This Year For Real

That’s admirable as fuck. There’s a lot that goes into that, 78% of which being white, hot, blinding frustration, however you are actually not alone.

The secret to losing weight over time and keeping it off lies buried within the following blog:

https://quadcitycrossfitter.tumblr.com

You’re going to have to hunt for it.

“Honestly, better or worse than just getting a self help book. Like just as useless or???”

It depends on your patience level for creative grammar and your grasp on the use of sarcasm, however actual real, tested, proven (at least once), verifiable weight loss tips for gradual metabolic reset (What is that? Keep reading!) and maintaining a healthier BMI after overcoming morbid obesity is all up in those virtual pages so good luck to you.

Tip #2

I lost a ton of weight in 2018 and I’m saving up for plastic surgery this new year but it’s expensive, I’m just, like, really on the fence. How can I solve this debilitating preoccupation?!

Drink more water, get more restful sleep, be able to quickly identify anyone in your life that is exacerbating your preoccupation so you can limit their privilege of the use of your time, and learn the importance of stretching and body weight exercises.

“That’s seems like a lot of things.”

It’s 4-5 things.

“Also what are body weight exercises?”

Here’s some:

Tip #3

I’m single and I’m losing hope

Hey! Buck up, friend. You’re definitely not alone, depending on your personality. I totally get it! Dating is a little bit the worst, especially the older you get.

It seems like as people age they generally fall into one of two categories (of course there are exceptions):

A. The Lonely

and

B. The Annoyed

Do you know which one you are?

“Hahahahaha a little bit of A and a little bit of B. Just kidding A all the way hahahahaha, *sobbing*!!!!”

Guess what? Congratulations on being a normal human being with feelings. Also, maybe you’re more like 5% A and 95% B. Also cool, and wonderful, and what makes everyone so unique. Also, maybe you’re 150% B, which is totally cool also, just try not to be too much of a

C. The Asshole

ALSO: This is important. Maybe you think you are a B/C when you’re truly an A but you are concerned because you associate A with the most fucking annoying people on the planet and you kind of like a B or C and you don’t want to drive them away and blah, blah, blah. Who doesn’t relate to that? The only thing you can do is to be

D. Yourself

If people don’t like what you’ve got going on with your bad self, that’s their issue. Also, maybe you actually are the most fucking annoying person on the planet, that’s definitely your issue, however all you can be is yourself and then people can either deal or not and then, again, the issues ball is back in someone else’s hands where you don’t have to deal with it.

Some people would very much rather be single than in a garbage can of an abusive relationship. They understand life is too short and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest and all that hippy-dippy bullshit for real. That is a completely foreign concept in some areas of the country, however, that’s something you have to do some soul searching about to figure out and then you get to have whatever fun you can conjur up once you know that about yourself. You might actually someday meet someone who feels the same way and actually be in a happy and stable relationship.

If you are someone who must always be in a relationship or has a propensity for abusive relationships do not fuck with the type of person I’ve mentioned in the paragraph directly above this one.

You’re wasting everyone’s time, especially the person I’ve described in the paragraph directly above this one which might push the person you’re pursuing into 3,000% B (as described a little further up) territory which I don’t care how bad-ass you are, people that are too annoyed find pretty creative ways to not have to deal with whatever it is that is annoying/being too mean to them when it comes to actually being in a relationship with someone and there’s no need to start your 2019 off on a stupid note.

This is your year for love!

Why don’t you go take a basket weaving course or something?

Tip #4

You mentioned ‘Metabolic Reset’ earlier and I gotta tell you, my metabolism, like, HATES ME, tell me what’s up with that?

Honestly it’s strategic anorexia BUT only effective if you have a metabolic issue that you either created yourself from poor habits or maybe from a medication issue or maybe some sort of traumatic event or some hardly-plausible fucked up combonation of the three. This is getting into dangerous territory and they key lies within the power of your Google searching skills, whatever the cool mental illness is to tell everyone you have ends up being in 2019, and your ability to actually commit to forming and sticking to habits that you feel are important to you.

Also, maybe your metabolism should go fuck itself and you should find something else to fixate on because metabolic slowing is part of the normal aging process and you can definitely tamper with that if you want, but it’s a lot of effort and hello it’s cold outside. Consider going back to review ‘Tip #3’ and then keep your eyes peeled for someone who doesn’t give a shit about your metabolism and who you can cuddle (tee hee) and get drunk with you so you can watch your metabolisms crash and burn together.

I’m just kidding, ideally shoot for a balance between the two (in refrence to the paragraphs above).

But for real you can reset your metabolism but it’s pretty dangerous so go annoy a medical professional about all that.

If you talk to one that wants to fight me because of this please send them my way with just a courtesy head’s up on what kind of doctor they are so I know to what degree I will need to dumb down my defense.

Tip #5

I really feel like this new year will be my year, creatively. I’m ready to really embrace my expressive intuition and align my inner most...

Please do not hold back on sharing your Etsy page with friends and family in 2019. This very well could be your year!

Tip #6

I have a friend in need, I know I can make 2019 the year they accept Jesus as thier Lord and Savior

Hey, good for you for spreading the good word or whatever it is that you are doing but I’m just suggesting that maybe the lordiest thing you could do in this instance would be to maybe give that friend of yours some space. Maybe they already have a religion they both quasi-revere and ridicule mercilessly and your insistence on their need for whatever yours is exactly will just open up some sort of portal to anchient Vatican hell that no one wants to deal with. Also, sometimes people seem like they are in need depending on your inability to focus on yourself. There are totally plenty of people that need jesus though. Why don’t you consider taking a mission trip somewhere and see if you can find some people that way. If you get some sort of fucked up disease, parasite, or injury I unfortunately don’t have any unsolicited medical advice for any of that but may Jesus guide you quickly and comfortably into the light.

Tip #7

I have got to get control of my mental health this year!

Hey welcome to the club. It’s not that exclusive of a club because literally everyone is a member but you’re still totally unique and special. Maybe you need an emotional support. Have you considered a pet of some kind? Maybe you could look into your mind’s eye and materialize a spirit guide. People also make wonderful companions however if your mental health is truly that complex please make sure you widen your social network because catching and trapping just one emotional support actual person that you only need for your comfort and absolutely nothing else, especially if they are a B from ‘Tip 3’, is just a real waste of everyone’s time and resources. My real unsolicited advice is to go find a combo of an appropriate coping mechanism, counseling and/or therapy, and medication, however you gotta go figure all that out for yourself. Godspeed to you!

Anyway, have a wonderful 2019!!!

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Weight Loss Motivation for the New Year 2018 | Weight Loss Inspiration Tips

New Post has been published on https://designweightloss.com/weight-loss-motivation-for-the-new-year-2018-weight-loss-inspiration-tips-2/

Weight Loss Motivation for the New Year 2018 | Weight Loss Inspiration Tips

– Good afternoon gentleman, I'm Ollie, it's 2018, it's Make Me That Guy, I hope you had a great Christmas, and of course, a happy new year If you're anything like me, I've been eating far too much

I've been in a semi-state of alcoholism for the last 10 days It's time to fix up, look sharp, and get back in shape for 2018 Thus, the theme of today's video is new year weight loss, and the best way to go about getting rid of that Father Christmas belly, cutting that new year blubber, getting your ass back in shape So our first point is to not focus on dieting Okay, what is a diet? Really, for me, when I think of a diet, I conjure up people who are starving themselves and religiously watching the scales, trying to cut calorie intake massively and leaving themselves in a deficit, something they're not used to

And setting themselves up to fall at the first hurdle when it starts getting tough, they crave the food they're cutting out, they're not taking on enough other food sources to give them enough energy, and the diet messes up They end up putting the weight back on and thus they fluctuate between these extremes throughout their whole lives, alright? The best way to diet is to, yes, of course, cut calories and lose weight, but it is to learn about nutrition and the philosophy behind it, alright? So, do a little bit of research into the best way to eat, the best substances to cut out I personally think that I respond better cutting carbohydrates, thus I will be totally cutting those carbs in January in order to get back to the lean physique which I desire This is gonna work for everyone, but of course, bigger people are gonna find it harder to cut out the carbohydrates, harder to cut calories, so you have to be gentle with yourself, alright? Learn about nutrition, learn how to diet properly, give yourself a plan, and start to eat new food sources and healthier food sources to replace the carbs, the crap, the processed food, which you need to cut out So first point is don't diet, change your philosophy of nutrition

Point two, right? Having learned about the philosophy of nutrition, what to eat and what not to eat, a great addition to your kitchen would be this, ding! The NutriBullet Okay, this is a smoothie maker This has been absolutely massive worldwide, whoever invented this has made a shit load of money, wish it was me, right? I have one of these and they are perfect for getting all of the five essentials you need everyday into your diet, cutting calories, cutting out carbs So, get yourself a NutribBllet If you want to go really hard on the NutriBullet, you could also cut out another meal of the day and have another smoothie, bring it to work with you, and have one for lunch

A thick, stodgy smoothie is actually gonna have quite a lot of calories in it, and plus, it's gonna be perfectly nutritionally balanced, and it's gonna help you to lose that weight you put on over Christmas or just in general Tip number three Alright, snackzilla! Move away from the fridge Okay? It is get rid of the snacks, okay? I see this all the time People think, okay, I'll go on a diet but I'll just have these treats in my house, you know, my partner, they won't know

I get them for the kids What if you got friends over? No! That is the wrong attitude You must clean your house of all junk food, all snacks! I, for example, don't even want bread in my house Cereals, I don't even want any of this stuff when I'm really trying to eat clean, alright? So, get rid of it all No more snacks

If you don't have to prepare the food, then it shouldn't be there The only kind of readily-eatable stuff that should be in your house is maybe a small amount of nuts, some dried fruits, and cooked meat These are all healthy, natural substances Plus, if you do have these foods around you, it's temptation You are most likely to mess up your diet impulsively

You're bloody hungry, you're on a calorie-deficit, you can't wait that extra hour and a half until your meager dinner, it's getting you down, you're used to binge eating or indulging on foods when you're bored or lonely, or depressed, or unhappy, whatever, you wanna get it all away so you cannot have that impulsive moment You walk in and before you know it, you've eaten a load of crap and you're like, aw, man! If it's not there, you can't do it You're most likely to be weak if it's around you Cut it all out, keep your house a clean eating zone Alright, tip number four is exercise! Okay, I have a lot of clients I help with fitness and nutrition, and one of the main things I see is people wanna lose weight but they just wanna stop eating

Oh, I'll just cut all the calories out and then I don't have to go to the gym Come on, don't be lazy You need to do some exercise, this promotes good weight loss Just terrorizing yourself and starving yourself is really unhealthy, it's bad for you, and you're more likely to mess up once a couple of weeks have gone past and go back to old habits It's a lifestyle change so get some exercise in there

If you hate the gym or you're too embarrassed for the gym because some people are a bit more overweight or embarrassed for the gym, or they just don't feel comfortable there, makes them nervous, then do something else Cycle to work everyday, cycle everyday after work, go for a jog in the evening around the block 10 times, get some weights for your home You have to start doing more healthy activities Ideally, you would join the gym and go there three times a week initially and then bump that up and try and get in there as much as you can everyday When combined with the right diet, this will also allow you to eat more because you'll be burning more energy, you'll build muscle so you'll actually look better, and you won't get looser skin which you get from crash dieting

You'll also be releasing endorphins which makes you feel good, at a time where you might be feeling a bit down because you're cutting out all this junk food which you've been craving before, and that has a massive effect on your morale So the gym is all good But any exercise helps you to feel happier, more healthy, it's gonna help to burn calories, speed up your metabolism, and get you in shape So guys, exercise, not just calorie-cutting Okay, number five

Be aware of the two week, two to three week danger zone Okay, it's no coincidence, you go into the gym, January the 4th, 3rd, and it's full with new people! With new water bottles and matching head gear, and a matching, little pair of shorts and shoes All the gear, no idea Lots of people are gonna join the gym, they're gonna start their diets, their new year's resolutions, and they're gonna fall off within two weeks, alright? Be aware, that tends to happen The two to three week period when shit gets real, people jump ship

Don't be like that Stay on it, right? If you need to do this, be aware The first thing is that you're most likely to fall off, end of the first month, after about two weeks Be aware, this is the danger zone Be extra, extra sure, if I can get through this place, this period of time where it's toughest to keep my morale, keep getting in there, the weather's terrible, I don't want to go after work, I've been working hard, oh, I'll just stay at home, I'll just have a pizza, no! Alright? This is the danger zone

If you can get past this period, it all gets better Trust me, from a fitness addict Point number six It often helps a lot of people to monitor their progress You're seeing this all over Instagram, Facebook, like before and after shots

You don't need to self-publicize and show off like that, although you can if you want, why not be proud of your achievement? But it really helps you if you take a picture of you January the 2nd, looking like Jabba the Hutt Blech, right? Feeling terrible, and you're like, man, put that up on the wall! That picture And remember, that's where you started Every time you're feeling weak, have a look at those pictures, look how far you've come and know where you wanna be And after six months, you can have one of those really lame, cheesy before and after shots and show off to all your buddies on Instagram who don't care

But who'll like it anyway, because we're all superficial and fucked up Alright, our final point, number seven is to seek advice If you have no idea about nutrition, google the hell out of it If you still are confused about it, go and see somebody This is your health we're talking about

It's worth chucking a couple of hundred quid at a nutritionist, or some money at a personal trainer to help you to work out, to give you that boost, right? It's really worth doing that, okay? So seek advice This is worth it, this is your life, your weight, your health If you do not know what you're doing, then pay a professional Using a personal trainer will also help to motivate you, alright? You're gonna know you've got an appointment, you're gonna have to do it, he's gonna make you work hard, he's gonna tell you what to do, you can sit back, relax, and just have the agony of actually doing it But you're not gonna have to plan it and overthink it

You turn up, you do what he says, and you leave, especially when you're a beginner, alright? There's nothing worse than walking in a gym, having no clue what you're doing, and everyone around you being in better shape Bring a personal trainer, it's you and him, he's your buddy, he's gonna get you there Unless he's rubbish, and then get a new one! Alright, so guys, that was our seven new year's weight loss tips for 2018, at any year, right? But first remember, you've gotta be serious about it If you don't want it, you're not gonna achieve it Use those tips to help you want it and help you get it! And you can be in awesome shape for the summer, rocking that bikini, rocking those tight Speedos like I do

Maybe not Anyway boys, no more imagining me in Speedos, it's Make Me That Guy, I'm Ollie, be sure to like subscribe, leave us a comment, and stay tuned Peace (light hip-hop music)

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Even Gigi Hadid gets body-shamed — Here's why it needs to stop

It’s pretty universally accepted that body-shaming isn’t OK, but unfortunately, people still do it — and sometimes in a very public way.

Gigi Hadid is the latest celebrity to speak out after being body-shamed, addressing people who claim she’s gotten “too skinny.” In a series of tweets on Sunday, Hadid answered people who have been calling her out for her weight, citing her battle with Hashimoto’s disease.

For those of you so determined to come up w why my body has changed over the years, you may not know that when I started @ 17 I was not yet diagnosed w/Hashimoto’s disease; those of u who called me “too big for the industry” were seeing inflammation & water retention due to that.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Over the last few years I’ve been properly medicated to help symptoms including those, as well as extreme fatigue, metabolism issues, body’s ability to retain heat, etc … I was also part of a holistic medical trial that helped my thyroid levels balance out.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Although stress & excessive travel can also affect the body, I have always eaten the same, my body just handles it differently now that my health is better. I may be “too skinny” for u, honestly this skinny isn’t what I want to be, but I feel healthier internally and (cont)

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

(cont) am still learning and growing with my body everyday, as everyone is.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

I will not further explain the way my body looks, just as anyone, with a body type that doesnt suit ur “beauty” expectation, shouldnt have to. Not to judge others, but drugs are not my thing, stop putting me in that box just because u dont understand the way my body has matured.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Please, as social media users & human beings in general, learn to have more empathy for others and know that you never really know the whole story. Use your energy to lift those that you admire rather than be cruel to those u don’t.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Hadid is not the only celebrity who has been body-shamed while struggling with an illness. Actress Sarah Hyland wrote on Twitter in May that she hasn’t “had the greatest year” and pointed out that her weight has fluctuated in the past as a result of a kidney transplant in 2012. However, she didn’t give specifics on whether that was linked to her current health issues. “I will say that this year brought a lot of changes and with that, physical changes,” she continued. “I am not a fan of ‘being skinny.’ Which many of you have told me that I am too much of. ‘Eat a burger,’ ‘your head is bigger than your body and that’s disgusting.’ And you’re right! I should eat a burger! ‘Cause they’re fucking delicious! But guess what. I do.” Hyland also said that she’d “basically been on bed rest for the past few months,” causing her to lose a lot of muscle mass. “My circumstances have put me in a place where I’m not in control of what my body looks like. So I strive to be as healthy as possible, as everyone should. Oh, and no, that’s not Photoshop. Those are my legs. Those are my arms,” she said. Hyland added that “no one should aim to be the weight that I am at right now” and that, while she’s not thrilled with the way her body looks, it’s due to her health—and she can’t please everyone.

My story as of now. Part 1. pic.twitter.com/6kWlnxgjIb

— Sarah Hyland (@Sarah_Hyland) May 24, 2017

In 2015, breast cancer survivor and E! host Giuliana Rancic told People that she was accused of having an eating disorder after a weight loss, which she attributed to a cancer-suppressing medication. “It’s really hurtful,” she said. “I’m sorry that some people think I’m disgustingly skinny, as they put it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m lucky that I even have the type of cancer that reacts to the medicine.” She added that it’s hard for her to look in the mirror at times. “I am really thin,” Rancic said. “I want to look fit and beautiful and sexy, and I can’t.”

Of course, people have been body-shamed for gaining weight when they have an illness as well as for losing weight. In 2017, actress Sasha Pieterse revealed on Dancing with the Stars that she had gained nearly 70 pounds over two years due to polycystic ovary syndrome. “[It was] one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through,” she said at the time. “I had no idea what was going on, and I didn’t have any way of solving it.” Pieterse also said it was “really hurtful” when people would call her “fat” or assume she was pregnant. “They were angry. They were mad I looked like this,” she said. The actress also addressed the matter on Instagram in 2015.

To my incredible and loving fans, Words cannot express how amazed I am by you! I’m so thankful for the affection you have for me, Alison, and Pretty Little Liars! We/I wouldn’t be able to make it happen without you! I get to do what I love every single day because of you guys! As a lot of you have noticed my body has gone through some changes, and I want to clear the air and give you an explanation. I have been facing a bad hormone imbalance that has thrown my body completely out of whack. I want to assure you that I’m healthy and getting everything back on track! A big thanks to all of you who have been in my corner! We live in such a judge mental society that puts every kind of flaw, including weight gain, in the same category. And for those of you who are struggling with any health problem, hormone imbalance, and weight gain of any sort I urge and encourage you to please deal with it in a healthy manor. YOU and YOUR health are what matters, not anyone else’s opinions and assumptions of you. Getting healthy isn’t just about working out and eating right (however extremely important) it’s also about surrounding yourself with those who care about you and want to see you succeed and become the best you can be. I love every single one of you and I hold you all dear to my heart! Xoxoxox Sasha

A post shared by Sasha Pieterse (@sashapieterse27) on Jun 9, 2015 at 10:15pm PDT

  Clearly, body-shaming isn’t OK under any circumstances, whether someone is struggling with an illness or not. But it can be pretty difficult to deal with being shamed and deal with an illness at the same time, psychologist and body image expert Sari Shepphird, PhD, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “It’s hard enough to feel like anyone can relate to you when you have a serious illness,” she says. “You already feel like you’re not yourself, and dealing with body-shaming can tear a person down tremendously.”

“In general, body-shaming ‘devalues’ people and reduces their self-worth down to their outward appearance,” Tom Hildebrandt, PsyD, chief of the Division of Eating Disorders at Mount Sinai Health System, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. If you’re struggling with an illness on top of that, it can make someone feel worse about themselves at a time when they may already be having difficulty with body changes they’re going through, he says — and that can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and problems with eating.

If you’re body-shamed, Hildebrandt recommends treating the comments like a racial slur — that is, something that’s incredibly offensive and wrong. For some reason, body-shaming is seen as somehow more acceptable than other forms of bullying, and it’s important to show people that it’s actually not. “People should be held accountable,” he says. “There’s no context where body-shaming is useful or healthy.”

If your body has changed due to an illness, you can mention that in your response to try to enlighten your critic, or not — it’s ultimately up to you, Jennifer Carter, PhD, a sports psychologist who specializes in eating disorders at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. However, some people use it as a teaching moment to educate people about their illness, which can have a profound effect on shamers — and even get some to apologize, she says.

But again, your response (or lack thereof) is your choice. “You have the right to your own body and to do what you please,” Shepphird says.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle: 

How to get over a person who ghosts you 

What is Hashimoto’s disease, the weight-related condition Gigi Hadid suffers from? 

Energy drinks are still killing kids in America

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