#and of course i'm not *officially* jewish. however i also am closer to being jewish than i ever have been | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shalom-iamcominghome · 11 days ago

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As I've gotten deeper in conversion, I have increasingly imagined jewish life throughout time. And what I mean by that is...

So when I looked at the Western Wall before this (maybe a few years ago), I just saw a wall. It held no deeper meaning than that. I imagined nothing when I saw that.

But now when I look at the wall or even when I'm praying idly, I'm imagining myself in the temple when it stood there. It's bright outside - a summer day so bright, I think the temple will blind me. A soft wind surrounds me. I'm stood in the middle of a huge crowd of people, simply observing. Women pass by me in small crowds, laughing and talking. Some of these women are wrangling their small children who keep running away, laughing like it's a game. And men walk by smelling of spices. The air is light, the city around bustling with people living fulfilling, meaningful jewish life. The wall now symbolizes that jewish life, and even though it's not just about the temple when I imagine it, it means something to me.

I think that's the result of seeing myself in judaism, turning the "you" into a "we," and I feel about this what I must imagine a married couple feels.

#jumblr #jew by choice #jewish conversion #personal thoughts tag #long post #obviously i know this isn't how the temple *must* have or even *would have* been #i know only a *little* about the temple #but when i see the western wall it isn't *just* about the temple to me. it's about the temple AND then some #i just think it's a really powerful thing to not just be a 'me' but an 'us'#and i have been feeling that more and more #i imagine a lot when i'm praying. i imagine a lot about jewish life through the thousands of years #so now i can't look at a picture of jews in shtetls without imagining *being* there #and that's of course how jewish history operates. the temple happened *to you* as well #to me the wall is an example of this thing where my heart *defaults* to judaism #i don't feel i have to make a special effort to think of myself as part of this #and of course i'm not *officially* jewish. however i also am closer to being jewish than i ever have been #and i feel that in myself. this was inevitable. i feel this is a certainty the way i feel the sun becoming a red giant is #i feel this with the same force that will happen when the milky way and andromeda galaxies collide #this is part of how my relationship with E'Y has developed and changed #i have a deeper *personal* connection with eretz yisrael and it's something special to me to have that relationship at all #and that's part of why i hesitate to talk about yisrael as a topic because it's personal and nuanced and vulnerable #even describing what i see when i think of this feels too vulnerable. but it's important enough that i can manage the discomfort #but i won't hesitate to protect this within me so please don't clown #i didn't even realize i felt this way until i talked it out with my rabbi. i love that guy. he's so cool...

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