#and now people dont shut up about it and i havent read it since like 2017 or something

[kulemii]

i never really realized until recently that i could write smut for myself in the 1st pov and not go to jail. i am a free woman

[ultimateloserboy]

im so sorry i love the dhmis fandom but some peeps don’t understand the characters (or even the show in general) on even the most basic level and it hurts me. (cough cough… white man youtube theorists cough…) for example, every time someone is like “OMG RED GUY KNOWS EVERHTHING AND HES SO SMART AND HES BREAKING OUT OMG HES CRACKED THE MATRIX 🤯🤯🤯🤯” i want to explode. HE IS FUCKING STUPID!!!!! THAT OLD MAN DOESNT KNOW A GOD DAMN THING!!!!!!! THAT HOMO COULD BARELY READ THE PETERSONS AND SONS NAME OFF THE WALL PLEASE BE SO FOR REAL!!!! the main point of the show is that none of them know whats going on or why. sometimes they might get little realizations or memories but (at least as of right now) their dumbasses havent ACTUALLY realized a single thing, at least that they havent forgotten. and this isnt even just about just that, people have always mischaracterized all of the characters since forever! and before anyone says “well the show is meant to be different for everyone and subjective-“ youre right! the show itself and the way the world works is subjective. but while the world/story/message may be up to interpretation the main three characters themselves ARE NOT!!!! they are VERY fleshed out characters. you can find EVERYTHING on them. we know their fears, their allergies, their wants, their hatreds, their desires and the series dives heavily into their insecurities!! these characters are the only non-debatable things about this whole series and yet people ignore that small bit of canon in favor of making the show MORE difficult!!!!!!!!! WHYY!!!!! I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND IM GOING TO SOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP MAKING SHIT UP ABOUT THEM PLEASE THEYRE JUST LITTLE GUYS PLEASE DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!! “oh but what if yellow guy is just PRETENDING to be stupid-“ what if red guy could shoot lasers out of his god damn eyes!?! THATS WHAT YOU FUCKING SOUND LIKE!!!! SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP!!!!!! I DONT KNOW IF DUCK WON THAT TOURNAMENT AND I DONT KNOW HOW OLD HE IS BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT HE ISNT THE FUCKING DANGANRONPA MASTERMIND OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT. THE FUCKING MAN BEHIND THE SLAUGHTER I DONT FUCKING KNOW. HIS ASS IS NOT SMART ENOUGH TO TAKE ON LESLEYS JOB. STOP GIVING THE MAIN THREE THIS MUCH CREDIT I PROMISE YOU THEYRE ACTUALLY CONFUSED AS FUCK THEYRE NOT PRETENDING !!!! im so tired can we please make a rule where cishet white dudes stay on their podcasts and stop trying to analyze this series.

[sagezere]

I couldn’t find the words to say ‘I love you’.

omg guys its finally a part 3 😱 Finally got inspo to write sorry for the longest wait ever lmao

part 1 here. part 2 here. extra but also kinda important here.

It’s been months. You haven’t spoken to Mona or Scaramouche at all since you caught them in ‘the act’. Honestly it sent shivers of disgust all over your body.

You walked in the halls of your college- even though you shared the same one with both the people that you used to call ‘friends’ you thankfully havent seen them at all.

Taking out your phone and scrolling through anything to clear your mind of the nuisances that you foolishly allowed to be by your side for years, you bumped shoulders with someone.

“Ah, sorry I should have been looking where I was going” you turn around and say apologetically, not expecting to see the man that has been plaguing your mind for this long.

He turned, glared at you for a few seconds before the glare faltered. Both of your eyes stayed connected and the tug of your heart hurt so bad, but you just took a deep breath, blinked at him with the blankest face you could muster, turned and walked away.

And God, did that feel good- that was until you felt a grab at your shoulder, and you were pulled back slightly.

“(Name)…” His voice whispered out, but you didn’t want to turn. You shrugged his hand off of you, and turned your head slightly, just to get that look on his face and you glared.

“Don’t fucking speak to me. You chose to do what you did, so just do what you always wanted me to do and fuck off.” Then you finally walked away from him- with an aching heart of course, but it was finally a step forward. With every step away from him it felt like you could finally breathe, like you could finally feel the weight of all those years slide off and far away.

—

Going about your day, it’s only been about an hour or two since bumping into Scaramouche in the hall. You were so happy to have finally let go of such a burden- having finally broken a promise you’ve made to a ‘dead person’ (if ur confused read the prequel thing or just dont idk)

However happiness was cut abruptly when you were faced with the other half of the nuisance, Mona. You were unsure of your standings with her, she seemed to only be your friend when Scaramouche wasn’t in the picture, but she’d also treat you as if you were some gross bug when he was around.

Seeing her stand in front of you so casually as if she hadn’t just ghosted you for some boy made you pissed off.

“(Name)! It’s been so long, how’ve you been?” The casualty in her voice and actions towards you start irritating you. You give her a disgusted look.

“what the hell are you talking about? ‘(Name) it’s been so long, how’ve you been?’ “ You mock her words in an overly high pitched and obnoxious voice.

“You ghosted me Mona. Don’t come skipping back expecting me to be the same (Name) I was months ago- actually scratch that, I’m pretty grateful.” You cross your arms and look her in the eyes with a glare.

“(Name) look I’m sorry-“ You cut her off.

“shut up and let me speak for fucks sake.” You rolled your eyes, not letting her speak over you.

“You went no contact on me, blocked me from literally everything! Kind of glad you did that for me though, with you and your bitch of a boyfriend out of my life for all those months I realized how fake you are!”

When she opened her mouth to speak- or defend herself you just walked away, not wanting to even hear any more of her voice.

—

yeah sorry this is kinda shit, but like if any of u wanna take inspo or kinda remake this and my other fics into something else just feel free. I honestly meant to keep the first fic as just that, but ppl wanted a part 2 so I made the part 2 and then ppl wanted a part 3 and I was just like ‘damn wth do i do now’ so yeah. Thanks for reading 😭❤️

[cloudcountry]

I wanted to ask why you hated Idia so much back then and the reason you adore him?

im gonna start telling people to pay me whenever they ask why i hate(d) idia because ive got this question easily 20 different times and frankly i'm losing money by not accepting payment

im not writing all that again i'm so tired of explaining it over and over ughhhh its not your fault min its just i seem to be a skipping record with how often i've had to repeat the same thing over and over and over for a YEAR and people just KEEP ASKING like ok you want to know about my relationship with idia shroud PAY UP!!!!!

anyways...i havent written about the things i adore about him yet so...

first first first!! the thing that made me gasp the softest gasp i have ever gasped in my life when i first saw it...his pink hair. its a bit superficial i guess but now that i like idia i think he's stunning. he's so hauntingly beautiful, especially when he's just a little bit flustered and the tips of his hair turn pink. what i would do to see his whole head turn pink PLEASE.

i also think his smile is so silly, even though it's usually accompanied by his smug ass voice "should'a leveled up more!" SHUT UP!!!!! i love his sharp teeth theyre so goofy nd silly but in a cute way. honestly i think his scowl is cute too, idk maybe i just like his lips but watching them twist up in annoyance when he rolls his eyes is attractive to me dont ask i dont know either. does that say something about me? maybe. i'm content with not knowing.

onto less superficial things...i just finished reading book six yesterday and it struck me how idia's heart is genuinely so beautiful. he loves so gently and fully, but with devotion that would destroy the world if he let it loose. being loved and treasured by idia is a privilege, because once he lets you in he would do anything for you (just dont fuck it up or i will beat you up im being so serious LEAVE HIM ALONE)

the extent to which he cares for ortho is so beautiful and so heartbreaking. "leave it to your big bro" im dead. everything he does is for ortho to have a safe and fulfilling life and honestly...it kind of seems like idia is trying to pay ortho back in a sense? like you died (because of me), now i will spend the rest of my life mourning you as punishment. he wants to give him the best life possible and thats just so ourgourgouhgohou,,,, his grieving is so complex and yet its so simple. heartbreaking i tell you.

on a lighter note, he's very passionate about the things he's into as well. one thing about figuring our how to like idia was turning my reaction to his condescending jabs from "oh he's such a know it all bitch what the hell people are literally just indulging in his interests what is wrong with him?" TO "oh he's just excited and getting an adrenaline rush, it's going to his head. he's happy. :)" and that was absolutely growth on my part because. ok AUBURN LORE TIME but i used to have a friend who was very condescending and a HUGE know it all (irl IRL IRL) and i think they definitely impacted how i saw idia because i saw bits of them in him. and since they hurt me so much i projected my experiences with them onto idia, so the first time i met him in game i wrote him off immediately and hated him after i saw what he said to others and how he acted.

but one of the many problems with that approach was that i missed the gentler sides of him. the way he goes back to school for ortho. the way he powers through the masquerade social for ortho. his idea of yuu being "valuable emotional support." his love of cats, regardless of how bad he scared grim. his love of star rogue and the way he made the sequel actually happen, albiet unintentionally. i spent so much time resenting him because "of course he's just another one of those." that i didn't stop to notice anything about him except for those bad moments. and of course, i'm not ignoring them now, i just see them differently. i see him differently.

of course i love that he's relatable, and that he's smart, and i love how when he's comfortable he loses his filter and becomes idia shroud instead of just being Scared of them, but i think that's just. social anxiety. and yk what ive said this before but even when i hated him i would NOT stand for anyone coming for his anxiety. like yeah i hate idia shroud but BITCH GET AWAY FROM HIM. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ANXIETY IS LIKE!!! put me in nrc right now idia shroud needs someone who will yell at people for him and thats going to be ME. i dont care who you are you say shit you are earning my IRE. trey clover got yelled at. no one is safe.

can i just say i love how you said "reason" like there's only one JDSJSDJSD LMAO IDK IT WAS JUST FUNNY TO ME when i love someone i have multiple reasons and i love every part of them, even the bad annoying icky parts (in fact, if you can't love their bad parts too is it even love...? i dont know, we all have different definitions anyway. some might think tolerating their bad parts is love too and we'd both be right.) theres no one reason i just think he's lovely inside and out now. he's an angel, basically.

[irenecatz]

hello I am ✨the government✨, and you are legally required to loredump about your fallout ocs now /j /silly /pos

(I love reading loredumps lol)

YOU WONT CATCH ME THIS TIME GOVERNMENT!!!!

.

Ok my lawyer said i have to. :(

You already know Argo but i dont have much for him yet. He likes rubber ducks i bet

I have one tangentially related to fallout, but not really. His name is Vep!

Yea uh. Dont ask. Also insultron ^^ he is veps securitron!! Vep repaired him to the best of abilities (HE DOESNT HAVE A BONER ARM PEOPLE KEPT TELLING ME HE DID DTOP STOP STOP) since Vep is a pacifist, he retired him to like, make fun of people instead of exploding them. I have a lot of troller ocs ngl.. (like 2. that’s not a lot noomy, shut the fuck u) please dont ask me why hes a deer/leopard just go with it

This is my courier 6, aka courier pickle. They’re really fucked up in the head!! And also really gay for robots. I, i mean they, they have a problem. Yeah. Not me

They dont have anything up OR down there!

After getting shot in the head by Bitchass Benny, they ran straight to the strip, tortured him and then dragged him over to the legion to get him crucified where they promptly joined. They had fun times!

Until they found yes man >:P

They betrayed caesar (oh no how could you! Die.) while preparing for the soon to be battle, they stumbled upon the think tanks satellite !

Everything went downhill for our so called hero there :3

(I havent played honest hearts or lonesome road yet and i really dont care for the,.m…. So they are not ap art of the lore. I said so. Joshua graham can lick my metaphysical balls)

whered it go pickle! whered it go! haha! the think tank took it and replaced it with a bunch of mentat tins so now youre addicted sorry. and now they’re going to poke you and prod you and make you run tasks. they have your brain still. Mobius never had it, and you killed him anyway. How could you? How could you? Why did you do it? Why did you do it?

They think radroaches are neat. Cute little buggers!

When they came back to the strip not one recognized them at first, and I wouldn’t blame them. They didn’t even act like themselves!

While yes man continued to bug them about the battle they just kept drowning themselves in chems and alcohol (robotic) prostitutes until they were sore and numb to this cruel world. The wasteland will eat you alive. From the outside and inside. Dust in your lungs sands engrained in the palms of your hands. Nobody is there for you. Nobody.

And then the battle came. They surrendered, wanting to make peace, wanting to exchange their life for whatever they still considered “friends.”

Lanius lied. Lanius took them prisoner and yet, still called for no mercy.

They took the dam. The securitron army was destroyed, the NCR drove out, Yes Man killed, and the Courier was due to be crucified.

But they ran. They ran and ran and ran

(and they ran… I ran so far away…)

They temporarily stayed at Big MT, for one making an attempt to revive yes man using the mark 5 securitrons, but it failed horribly!! And also they ate all the Mentats to the think tank kicked them out.

after a month of paranoid traveling they managed to reach boston! !! !

there they met the sole survivor ( @bl4z33467 ‘s oc!!!) and thyey settled down for no more trouble from the legion ever! definitely. ok i hope you enjoy reading. im not too good at writing stuff like this, give me an argumentative essay and a few weeks any day

^^ video also by Blaze (although the last part was drawn by yours trulyyyy(

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 9 react

COLOR PAGE????

COLOR PAGE!!!!

since when did shinra have blue eyes though

actually i just looked up images of him but what fucking color are those?? blue?? gray?? brown??

shinra is benedict cumberbatch i guess

also shinra beating izaya at cards (and especially poker) is hilarious i need more of that

shinra please tell shizaya to kiss. do it for me

THIS IS SO CUTE AHHHHHHHHH

shizuo and izaya agreeing with each other when it comes to preventing shinra from straight up killing them lets go!!!! plus shizuo asking if shinra cheated because izaya lost ashdkgjsdkjghdssd

izaya totally cheated and still lost he's so pathetic <33333

the way he says "then" after that though like. he was actually considering dissection and money laundering PFFF

yes eat lunch together i promise it wont go horribly wrong

they've really never done this in canon though?? maybe i just read too much fanfiction about it

oh i guess they definitely havent done it before 😭

maybe this is a start. maybe they do it every day after this

izaya's cat face is so cute rhfhrgjhhjgh

only shizuo and izaya would be so baffled at the idea of eating lunch together help

like if these were ANY other people they'd be like oh sure why not! not these losers

watch the entire chapter just be them stalling help

THEY FINISH EACH OTHERS SENTENCES!! married couple behavior fr fr (<-delusional)

they havent argued once in this chapter yet so im taking everything i can get ok

the only things that will get shizaya to be on the same wavelength are eating simon's food and being afraid of shinra

THEY'RE SO CUTE!! the holy trio of malewives

i choose to believe that was both of them saying 'shinra shut up'

meals for the family man because they're going to start a family together (<-delusional but like. more than usual)

i sense a food fight incoming

oh yeah this is going on my twitter banner

cant believe we have two whole chapters of shizaya cooking together in the minidura manga. out of ten chapters. probably representative of how the mangaka was cooking fr

SOMEONE REPLACE THIS WITH THE GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY MEME RIGHT NOW

izaya would be the one out of the two of them to make moe anime girl noises (my entire friend group)

honestly how has shinra not gone insane from dealing with these two for the entirety of high school

scratch that he is insane my bad

it's like herding cats, not because they keep going in opposite directions, but because they keep fighting

of course they disagree on food tastes too. someone's leaving this kitchen with a broken spine

ive just stopped screenshotting and started posting entire pages because everything is gold

"are you that confident in your tongue" i bet you ten bucks that i could find that line in a shizaya smut fanfiction in less than 20 minutes

at least shinra's having fun

married couple behavior for sure. who doesnt bicker while cooking together

oops

shizuo would be good at cooking if izaya wasn't provoking him 😭maybe. idk the milk drinker genes might hinder him actually

for a moment there i thought they were going to have no food at all bgkjgsjsgdk

izaya and shizuo look so cute in the back thoughhhh look at themmm

shinra. shinra why would you say that they're going to kill each other. shinra. SHINRA

oh nvm i guess they were too tired to argue 😭being in forced proximity for this long is literally harder than chasing each other

wait whats that psychology term for it again. group. something. group goal SUBORDINATE GOAL thats it. a goal given to two opposing groups that forces them to cooperate and will usually eventually make them like each other more (it has never worked for shizaya. see the simon chapter) (also excuse the psychology terminology i have my final test in a month or so and this is the only way i can force myself to study)

so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee

shinra sitting between them pfft

izaya's cat face actually kills me every time

either the food is amazing or the food is dogshit and i dont know which one would be funnier

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

ok thats better than either of those options

this chapter has literally just been shizuo and izaya Going Through It

"everyone should get along like me and celty" is he saying shizaya should date. yes he is because i said so

also izaya moving even further away from shinra LMFAO he'd rather be in hitting range of shizuo than have to deal with shinra's celty shpeal

there's so many good reaction pictures with shizaya this chapter ill definitely be cutting them out to make into a banner at some point

im convinced this serves as a precious memory for both of them even if they dont realize it >:)

99999/10 chapter i enjoyed every second of it

[juni-ravenhall]

is anyone im following in like weird pro-ana and tiktok dark femininity culture bc i keep getting weird recommended posts and blogs or is that just tumblr recommending it to everyone?

ive been on tumblr on and off since 2010 and somehow never got pro-ana stuff recommended to me so if its not bc of a specific following connection, that would be interesting

if anyone pro-ana reads this, genuinely as a person w a lifetime history of EDs you guys need to shut the fuck up publically about fat bodies. bc its one thing that you hate yourself but its a whole other thing to be posting anti-fat messaging in public where ppl who just happen to be fat and should be allowed to live without ever being judged for that, are seeing your content that ultimately youre directing towards your inner self (both internalised fatphobia and often internalised misogyny or queerphobia combined) and it becomes an attack on other people who havent done literally anything to deserve it. you posting about how disgusting that fat body is means youre supporting that view of anyone else with fat bodies who didnt do anything wrong. thats fucked up as hell.

its not your fault that you have anorexia and society really fucks up in continuing to make ppl feel so judged and hated for how they look or how they were born. but theres no excuse to post hateful content towards other ppl who havent done shit even when you hate yourself. post hate about the society and oppressors who made you feel this hate towards your own body instead. punch up, not down or sideways. you have the power to scream and yell about how unfair and wrong it is for society, parents and others to make anyone feel the way you feel about yourself.

i have starved myself, ive done extreme diets, ive thrown up food, at all times ive had some kind of disordered eating throughout my whole life. you cant throw this off with some kind of "lolol u dont get it". fuck your parents for not caring enough about you. fuck the people who made you feel unloved and uncared for and unattractive. fuck society for making you internalise these unhealthy ideas about yourself and your body. now join a ED recovery group and go to therapy, because you are also able to find happiness and feel okay with yourself in the future and have way more fun than sitting around fixating on looks instead of personality and interests and true friendships that dont revolve around dieting or looks

[neoneun-au]

thought i'd catch up on ur feed bc i havent been on here in a while and why'd i think our age gap was smaller than it actually is 😭 i thought it was like 7 years NOT 10 (TEN)!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to sit for a few minutes on that.

anyways that top 100 playlist! Was not expecting blood by day6 to be the song on there but i feel like it is a very you choice. i wouldnt have guessed it, but thinking about it..... it makes sense. also bc i like hearing your perspective on things, i wanna know your take on what Jae has been saying in interviews recently. idk if you saw but he said he feels bad that they named the album fourever and he thinks its the company's way of getting closure (?? very questionable imo but thats what he said). i have been feeling kinda bad for him ngl lol

and speaking of other peoples weddings!! I C O N I C ! i literally recc'ed it to one of my friends that is getting into svt and wanted fics to read. its 1 of 2 svt fics that i read and still remember to this day. and she was asking me for wonwoo recs too so i will def be letting her know about ur newest one!!! which i dont think i have read even before the rewrite so that is what i will be reading before bed tonight 😁 i also see u have quite a few newer fics which is awesome! i'm eating good for the next couple days

other than all that, i hope you've been well! <3

HAHAHAHA thats SO fair yeah a lot of people thought i was younger than i am, even in person i get that often so i must have some sort of youthful air lolol

blood by day6 was the reason i had to include bsides in consideration because it is one of my all time (clearly since its on the list lolol) faves, i listen to it SO much and i was never a massive day6 fan in general. i liked them but it was more casual. but that song??? im in a committed relationship with that song

i havent seen the interviews with him but going off what you're saying i can see where hes coming from. i mean obviously the whole situation that happened was because he was mentally fucking going through a time and he got a lot of shit for it (some warranted some not). i do feel bad for him tbh. i dont know that its the company's way of getting closure necessarily but for sure there is some thought there to at least shutting down what i imagine are consistent comments about jae and if hes coming back. if i were in his position i think i would feel pretty hurt by seeing how easily cast aside i am, but its also like...unfortunately the reality of kpop?? but i get where hes coming from and it would suck to be in his place. im sure he also is at a place of realising the mistakes he made personally as well. tough

eeeeeeee !! it is so funny to me how that on exploded so much and im glad people still love it at a level that i really never thought any of my fics would reach :')) i think the wonwoo fic is better in general now post rewrite so im curious to hear what you think about it !!! and your friend if she reads it hehe

[inevitablestars]

hehehehehehehhe <— me cackling evilly while rubbing my hands together

sirius pls for the ask game<3

oh so you want me to yap

How I feel about this character

.... say it with me: INSANE ABOUT SIRIUS. have been thinking about sirius since i was a small child and i just never stopped??? attached myself to him like a stray dog and i cant let go. very very very normal as you can see. ill be thinking about sirius for the rest of my life i fear. sirius is just so complex and i want to root around in his head for hours. i could find something new every time i do. also no matter what fic i am writing i am inside of sirius' head it might not be his pov but i am in there and know how he would react to everything.

and like. there's so much there!!! his family the prank the marauders harry azkaban like the possibilities are endless. and because of all of the previous pieces (and more) or any combination of them like thats one fucked up little guy and it only makes me love sirius more

they are in my pocket and will be there for the rest of time

All the people I ship romantically with this character

the obvious, remus. can't go wrong there. put them in any situation and it will work. literally any.

and heres the thing, i don't actively read or seek out any other sirius ships but like... now that im being asked.... i could be convinced of others. give me a good and compelling story and i could be interested. some that fit in this category are: james, lily, wolfstarbucks, peter, kingsley, marlene. have i read most of those? no i have not, but if someone im friends with wrote any of them yeah id give it a shot. nothing replaces wolfstar tho nothing can

My non-romantic OTP for this character

regulus. i think thats obvious (<- guy who has never shut up about the black brothers) whether they are close and have a good relationship or havent spoken in a decade im gonna love it. they love each other more than anything else and soemtimes that drives them apart but sometimes it doesnt and god i will explode if i think about them for too logn it causes me phsyical pain

also the rest of the black family. in order of how insane they make me after regulus: bellatrix (she literally killed him what do you want me to say), andromeda, narcissa, walburga, everyone else

outside of the family though, james and lily. easy.

My unpopular opinion about this character

sirius can do no wrong. idc!!!!!!!!! hes never done a single thing wrong in his life. like yeah hes stupid sometiems but thats my stupid guy :( hes trying his best hes fucked up and has been since he was born its not his fault

also just like why is there discourse about his appearance. i dont see characters in my head but like idc if hes tall or not or if theyre whatever gender. sirius is hot and also a little guy.

also also he's smart. really fucking smart. he just doesnt always care so it comes off like hes not. and like he wants it to seem like hes cool and has his shit together but he is losing his mind all the time

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

that he and regulus got to reunite :( or that he didn't die. that would be lovely. or if you know his name was cleared and he got to actually take harry in like he wanted to that would be so so cool for everyone involved

[inky-goddess]

I dont wanna call myself a system, because my nurse practitioner told me im not (I brought my headmates up with my therapist, she said she isnt sure if it's anything yet and that if I think it's anything I should tell her) and i havent been diagnosed with anything but I do have headmates and I just kinda wanna talk about them because ive been holding back on talking about them because i feel like people will fake claim me since im not diagnosed- but Damien will not shut up about how stupid my fear of being fake claimed is so im gonna just introduce the headmates and get it over with and just hope it doesnt seem like im faking it (because i am so scared i am just faking it and seeing people get fake claimed makes me more scared that maybe I am just faking it)

ANYWAYS-

Ramona goes by they/them pronouns, is a feral homestuck, is an age regressor -regresses to ages 5-8, completely sfw age regression just like mine...if i even have talked about my regression on this blog, and their big age is 17, gay, Goatkin therian

Mindy goes by it/its and meow/meow's/meowself pronouns, is a catkin therian, if it isnt the one doing something stupid meow will hold someone else back from being stupid ("If I can't be stupid no one can" -something Mindy actually said), 16 years old, usually asleep, weirdcore bitch (affectionate), pan

Elaine goes by fae/faen pronouns, is a clown (affectionate), is actually one of the only responsible ones (Kaz being the other responsible one), 18 years old, lesbian

Damien goes by he/it pronouns, annoying as fuck we're like brothers but like- brothers in the same mind if that makes sense...we fight like siblings is what im trying to say, very immature, 19 years old, Bi

Moth goes by they/it pronouns, usually off reading some book about cryptids, a chaotic little shit, cryptidkin otherkin, 19 years old, Ace, runs @cryptid-watch-parks with me and Damien (I'm Mod Amaranth, Moth is Mod Moth (Obviously), and Damien is Mod Pico)

Kaz goes by he/they pronouns and kit/kit's/kitself pronouns, they are usually the one to act as mine and Ramona's caregiver when we're regressed, the other most responsible one, 18 years old, aroace

and then theres me, Sammiee/Crow/Raine whatever you wanna call me I go by many names. I go by it/they/he pronouns. You guys know me by now.

that's all my headmates...im still so scared to post this but Damien will not shut the fuck up about it.

anyways this will be my pinned for now while I work on prettying up my caard to have my side blogs and stuff so my new pinned wont be long as shit

since this will be my pinned: Basic DNI criteria. No anti-palestine people. No anti-otherkin or anti-therian people. No Dream stans/defenders. (if you like/liked the smp thats fine, just not the creator himself)

[quarktrinity]

quark watches star trek season 1 episode 8

oh shit theyre going to an alternate earth??? thats cool as hell

alt earth looks like shit

wow spock estimates that it appears as it did in 1960. what a coincidental year

kirk hands spock a tricycle. spock hands the tricycle to mccoy. mccoy just puts it down. i love this show

rabid earth man angy

hes very upset that his tricycle is broken

um. yeah he just fucking died. ok

they brought red shirts with them. uh oh

are girls immune to the red shirt curse? yeoman rands wearing red. should i be afraid

earth girl is terrified of them, what the hell happened here

so someone just rubbed the dust off a window to see spock through it. except they rubbed the inside of it. and im pretty sure the dust would be on the outside. so.

"grups", dystopia slang for grown-ups

this episode is amazingly tragic

this earth girl, miri, her name is the episode title. interesting

not a huge fan of the camera work when kirk told this kid shes "very pretty." they made it weird. let him be nice.

this is some home alone shit

the way kirk is talking to this kid is uncomfortably close to being flirting. she clearly has a crush on him and he should not be talking to her like this. writers stop it

the remastered cgi is a little jarring sometimes. kinda wish i could see the old shitty stuff, whatever it was

spock is such a dick lmao

ok so the people who used to be here tried to become immortal and fucked up and it made a disease that kills adults which all the human crew members are getting now?

"she likes you, jim" "shes becoming a woman" SHUUUUT UUUUUP

the kids age super slowly apparently and then get The Disease when they enter puberty. horrifying!!!

KIRK DONT HOLD HER HAND. GOD.

do these kids farm. where are they getting their food. surely any preserves have been depleted by now

ive yet to see any fight choreo in this show that i can take seriously

kirk gives this girl busywork sharpening pencils. kind of hilarious ngl

wuh oh the kids stole their walkie talkies

ok so their foods running short and the kids will starve soon? why now? why havent they starved in the 300 years theyve been running around????

miri hates rand bc Jealousy.

miris a spy for the Kid Gang >:T shes conspiring to get kirk killed. girl needs so much therapy

why hasnt anyone on the ship gone down to check on them. its been 5 days

jesus christ this episode is traumatic

they had to move a set piece when the camera moved in. i love the 60s.

ive never read lord of the flies but im certain this is derivative of it

mccoy no dont be an idiot

mccoy noooooooooooooo

it has been 0 episodes since kirks shirt was ripped (it was just his sleeves but still)

this vaccine works extremely fast

mccoy is ok thank god

yaaaayy the vaccine works

"i never get involved with older women, yeoman" -kirk, about miri. SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUP

[ess-presso]

hello ess !

that fic rec sounds wonderful im v excited to read :) my turn: paper rings by apricusapollo (zar just reblogged this rec so maybe u already saw it but it sounds so good) but for good measure heres another: 10 things i (dont) hate about you by kjms (jegulus 10 things i hate about you au)

tay time <3 i almost do, today was a fairytale, & forever & always !

chatty time!

that line about harry becoming RAPIDLY obsessed with draco will never not make me feel insane. how did jkr (derogatory) even write that it sounds like something from a fic fr.

your star converse sound so cool, i think ive seen someone wearing the same ones around and they were so cute. i love them

i love the trojan horse & the story of troy too <3 it was prob one of the first myths i learned and the rest is history. also did u know that some people thought the trojan horse was REAL? like. people in my GREEK MYTHOLOGY course. maybe thts just a common misconception or something but idk. i find it very funny

little women 2019 is SO good. i love the entire cast sm and the vibes are just astronomical.

jumanji is SO fucking funny. ill never not lose my shit at the weapons valet part its just. so dumb i love it

americans being a novelty there is SO funny. youd think that they wouldnt be here in canada but oh. they so are. i think a lot of americans (at least west coast americans where our accents are fairly similar) think canadians are like. identical to them. but that is so wrong we habitually will make fun of anyone with an american license plate up in canada.

my cats! the oldest is named pixie. (she was really tiny when we got her & i was obsessed with fairies when i was younger lol) and ive had her since kindergarten. so like a LONG time. shes a mean old lady now but i love her. the other two are siblings! theyre a few years old but still act like kittens & their names are mike and el (yes after the stranger things characters i dont wanna talk about it) which is very unfitting because the cats are SIBLINGs but the characters are in a relationship. (for the record i suggested artemis and apollo as names but was swiftly shut down. i have a family of haters)

and yes we dont get snow here. at least my part of canada. i live at pretty much sea-level on the coast so its just rain sadly. but pretty much like. every other part of canada will see snow in the winter at some point or another !

and pansy x percy? wait i kinda love that. never wouldve thought of them together but they actually sound cute.

fuck james marry sirius and KILL remus?? honestly respect. (and "mummy's got a job to do" REAL LMAO)

and omg starting with the silmarillion? that is BOLD. i havent even touched that book yet. from what ive gathered via osmosis i think it can almost be read as an encyclopedia for tolkien's world. so its just a lot. godspeed with that!

and yes. the shadowhunters chronicles is based on hp fanfic. BUT i read somewhere it was actually draco x ginny so every day i pray thats true. (hey another rarepair) but fear not the series is actually good. and theres like a million sequel & prequel series within it so you dont really have time to think about the incest .

and yes podg! the movie with ben barnes is a HORRIBLE adaptation. like its so different from the book so beware. but its still mildly entertaining bc ben barnes is gorgeous so.

"drunk procrastinator" being ur movie title is so real. cue me every weekend when i have a big paper to write or something.

and yes! cats! you should get one. they will change your life i swear.

the amortentia trope is SO good. i eat it up every time. same with the veritaserum. bonus points if theyre doing a veritaserum drinking game/truth or dare>>>

thats actually a pretty useful weird talent. running late and need breakfast? cereal.

and yes! thats a gas station order! your best friend being your chauffeur REAL. i dont drive so my best friend is my chauffeur & im the gps & dj.

poppies & lavender are so nice. i have a ton of lavender in my garden and its so nice in the summer when it blooms. hydrangeas are so pretty too. the colours are absolutely gorgeous

pluto! i love pluto sm. one of my fav planets (i refuse to say dwarf planet. shes not a dwarf in my heart shes huge) aside from maybe neptune.

and oh my god. a phone call during a funeral? the ring tone being BABY GOT BACK? idk how you survived. i would have been mortified i could never show my face again.

saxophone is so nice. sometimes all you need is some smooth jazz and a massive glass of wine or something.

answering questions time:

poutine! omg im so glad you asked me this question. in short its just french fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. a lot of people think it sounds gross/think it looks gross (it does look...questionable sometimes) but i SWEAR its so good. very good comfort food & and strangely good when you go to the movies.

unpopular marauders opinion......hmm. maybe that barty would be well suited as a ravenclaw? i know his house has never been confirmed but he canonically got 12 OWLS so the boy is SMART plus he SLAYED being the DADA prof. (not that other houses arent smart. u know what i mean) (but i still love him in the slytherin gang. they have my whole heart)

unpopular opinion about life: its okay to be weird and just silly sometimes. some people are just so caught up in being "normal" that they forget that we're all just. people. like its okay to be silly and live our lives the way we want! (maybe not an unpopular opinion but i know there are people out there that are just. really stuck up & could do well to remember this LOL)

dream car - i dont drive so IDK LOL but ive always liked colourful cars. like give me a bright red or forest green or cobalt blue car. theres a SEVERE lack of colourful cars on the road nowadays its so sad.

i havent seen the apprentice! i dont watch a lot of reality tv in general but from what youve told me about it i might have to check it out cause it sounds entertaining.

i totally believe in soulmates both platonic and romantic. like theres gonna be people you meet in your life that youll click with instantly and theyll become a part of u in a way even if you drift apart etc. like my best friend is prob my platonic soulmate. ive known her for quite literally my entire life (i think i was only a few months old when i met her) and shes literally my sister .

hidden talent: maybe not exactly a hidden talent but im really good at geoguessr ! oh also i can untie almost any knot. i guess thats more of a hidden talent. kinda useless but really handy when my converse laces arent cooperating.💪

favourite villain: prob either loki or darth vader. in a way theyre both anti-heros and i personally love morally grey characters so🫶

ive never had my heart broken! i probably internalized effy's "nobody breaks my heart" from skins too much so. i simply dont let myself get close enough to people so i dont get hurt. works every time👍

ever broken a heart: i think i did indirectly whoops. but luckily only once. long story short one of my friends liked me on & off during high school, i got confrontational while heavily under the influence and told him i didnt like him that way. he DID ignore me for the rest of the year but yeah. the rest is history. i think he came out as gay recently so. good for him!

your question time!

favourite greek god/goddess?

fav marauders fancast(s)?

hogwarts house?

fav greek myth(s)?

soldier, poet, king? (praying youve seen this trend)

one thing you cannot leave the house without?

if you were from the percy jackson universe who would be your godly parent?

top 5 albums of all time?

do you believe in soulmates?

thats all for now. talk to u again very soon🕺

-bee

bee bee bee hello i missed you n i love u <333

on god , i love these type of stories that are partly based on taylor songs . paper rings is one of my favourites on lover , so this is going into my marked for later ! & i love 10 things I hate about you too !!!! (cameron is my favourite character . HE LEARNT FRENCH FOR HER!!!) your fics recs are absolutely stellar!!!

here’s one for you - (‘unbreakable heaven by sequin haze’ - based on ‘Cruel Summer’ , ft friend-with-benefits Jegulus & trans regulus !!! )

tay tay -

i almost do - WOLFSTAR - i think of it as wolfstar because to me it’s basically sirius to remus while he’s in azkaban ‘i bet sometimes you wonder ‘bout me’. And i very much think that remus has dreams about sirius touching his face and asking him to try over again , and remus is 🤏 this close to saying ‘okay’.

today was a fairytale - JILY - i think it’s so inexplicably joly after their first date !!! ‘this magic in the air // must have been the way you kissed me’ that to me is their thoughts in canon, after they kissed for the first time on their date. (also james’s smile would so take lily to another planet , just saying)

forever & always - JEGULUS - I can just imagine james telling reg ‘forever and always’ and then reg being in his head like ‘you promised me forever’ and james going away like a ‘scared little boy’ because reg got the mark. it hurts my poor little jegulus heart.

chatting <333 -

ISN’T IT ??? the woman was so concerned about making her characters at hetero as possible that she just made them gay squared. (and the amount of people i’ve seen asking for the fic when this quote is in a tt. like , babe , no it’s from the og books .)

I LOVE MY STAR CONVERSE TOO !!! very cute indeed they’re amazing . (still my red ones beat everyone and everything >>>)

people think the horse is real ?? like do they really have that little faith in the human race?? in the middle of the war being like ‘wow there’s a giant horse at the door of my city ! this isn’t suspicious at all , let me bring it in !’ is something someone would actually do 💀💀💀. like bro no , give homer his credit.

I LOVE LITTLE WOMEN SM TOO. I watched it for emma , and i came out in love with timmy & flo.

jumanji is honestly such a comfort watch it’s one of my forever favourites.

nah americans are genuinely so annoying sometimes. like especially the piss annoying tourists , always standing in the way. like i’ve heard too many of them correct the way brits pronounce things ( honey , it’s aloominum not aluminium. STFU BITCH) and when they start talking so you talk back and ask where they’re from , why they always say ‘dallas , texas.’ like bro was giving me her gps location , why not just say ‘america’ ??? (the worst one was when i saw someone say that ‘the ancients didn’t build stonehenge aesthetically’)

PIXIE , MIKE AND EL???? THAT’S SO CUTE AND ADORABLE OH MY GOD. (i agree artemis and apollo would’ve been a fucking amazing name.your family just don’t get it.) my friend actually has a cat named pixie who is also a mean old lady!! this pixie fuckin hates me she tried to scratch my guts out once. but i think she’s warming up to me now , because she took 10seconds to do that last time instead of her usual five.

bee u live in the 1% of canada that doesn’t get snow !!! ULTRA-RARE POSITION IN LIFE ACHIEVED !!!

i never would’ve thought of pansy and percy either, but i was scrolling and came across it , and i’m a pretty open-minded girl, so i was like ‘why not’ and i was pleasantly surprised. (here’s the fic i’m talking about - ‘the secretary by pacificrimbaud’ it’s really good !! )

fucking james marrying sirius and killing remus is the most controversial decision i’ve ever made , but i STAND BY IT.

for now i’m just staring at my copy of the silmarillion willing it to become smaller. idk if my brain can handle more than like a page a month.

AT LEAST IT’S NOT RON X GINNY !!!!! maybe i’ll give it a shot one day many years in the future. it seems like there’s at least 50 books and she’s… still not done.

i’ll read the book first , then , as i always do. I’ll watch he movie , but only for ben barnes. I love him.

DRUNK PROCRASTINATOR FOR THE WIN. ( me on the roof rn trying to write my paper that was due last week. and the other one that’s due tomorrow! hopefully lu shows up soon with the monsters and good vibes!! he has no homework (he does his stuff on time) so he’s just gonna be keeping me company.)

CATS CATE CATSSS . studying with one purring in your lap sounds so peaceful !!!

amortentia trope >>>>>>> (i’m actually writing a scene in the quaffle & the snitch , where reg is dared to make james fall in love with him. like a bet movie. i’m loving it already.) I LOVE THEM SO MUCH HONESTLY !!! ‘you love me ?? you’re lying.’ ‘i’m on veritaserum you dumb fuck i’m NOT. lying.’

cereal is my go-to for breakfast, but sometimes i do get apple turnovers on the weekend with my chauffeur. (i’ll be referring to the best friend as either ‘chauffeur’ or ‘lu’ (which is my nickname for him) because typing out ‘my best friend’ is going to take forever.)

thank fuck i got the gas station order right. lu is ordered to be my chauffeur. sometimes we go on midnight grocery runs to the big tesco. (once got drunk and bought the entire stock of lurpak. thankfully there were only four tubs !! (lurpak is rich people butter btw) ) i’m the dj , which is mostly tay tay. he involuntarily knows all the words to shake it off and my tears ricochet now.

YOU HAVE LAVENDERS IN YOUR GARDEN????? THAT’S SO AWESOME ???? they look so nice but i kill a lot of plants. but maybe i’ll buy another bouquet and keep it alive this time??

PLUTO STAYS WINNING. SHE IS A PLANET. NASA DON’T MAKE THE RULES I DO.

(and the baby got back was so embarrassing it’s UNREAL. but it was lu calling to ask if i wanted pizza , so at least i got pizza ?? )

jazz and wine and a best friend to dance around the kitchen with >>>>>> life made .

reviewing your q’s . -

poutine sounds amazing , people are just haters. why do americans hate on poutine when they have ‘jello salad’ like god hates a country but it ain’t canada , sweet pea.

HE WOULD SLAY AS A RAVENCLAW !!!!! and he slayed as a dada professor too !! (but he did traumatise my boy neville so minus one point for that) (he slays as a slytherin too , because i like him to be a part of that friend group , yk?)

YES DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! the world would be a better place if people stopped trying to make everything the same !!

when i was younger , i wanted a pink car. now i just want lu to drive me around forever. his car is black , so unfortunately not colourful .(the lack of colour on the streets should be a crime.)

THE APPRENTICE IS SO WORTH IT !!! i love it so much it’s so funny honestly watch it watch it !! New eps every thursday (watch season 17!!)

yes soulmates are platonic and romantic!!! i met lu in primary , and i think i’d just about die if he were to leave me . like he is life i love him , i’d kill for him.

I just searched up what geogueser is , and i’ve found my new hyperfixation !!! will be updating with my skills on this later. (i wish i had your lace-untying skills. 90% of the time i’m in 70 different positions before they’re actually untied.)

‘Luke i am your father.’ that’s all for this one.

love that you’ve never had your heartbroken !!! ( I have , last year. from a girl called victoria , who’s actually kind of a dick now that i think about it. can’t believe i was crying over some random bitch. lu & monster are the only consistent things in my life!!)

nah your friend a piss-bag for being all ‘ooh you don’t like me , WELL I DON’T LIKE YOU.’ that’s rude. if he was a real one , he would’ve stayed. bro came out as gay ?? i’m waiting for his apology 🤨🤨🤨.

my q’s !! -

god - apollo // godess - artemis. i love those two a lot actually. the sun and the moon >>>>>

now , vis a vis fancasts. i love andrew & ben , not dane . i love the edits of atj , he has such a big range of scenes , and i think some of his scenes are very james ! but my default james is this guy - (search up mo malik on tt if you don’t wanna click the link , it’s the pinned video on @motheh0e account with around 8.4 mill views.)

full respect if people don’t imagine him though ! as for reiky, i keep seeing him bent over some ladies knickers , and it makes me laugh a lot . but he could be james too , definitely!! he’s not my default though. My fc for evan is hugh laughton-scott , and for barty it’s maxen danet fauvel. (ik i spelt it wrong , i’m on the roof rn give me a second) & for pandora it’s elle fanning , and for lily , annalise basso. for pete , lewis capaldi is my favourite, his character is what imagine peter to be (if peter was good ). BUT MY FAVOURITE BY FAR IS OF COURSE REGULUS BLACK AS MR TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET!!!! i live for this one. whoever fc’ed him , i wish them only good things in life.

3. GRYFFINDOR !!!!! RAHHHHHHHHHHHH. (my first one was a slytherin but i lied on a tonne of the q’s and got gryffindor on my second account so I’M A GRYFFINDOR .)

4. orpheus and eurydice kills me every fucking time man. like if he’d just waited for one more second. they’d both be alive. but he loved her too much not to look at her. (trojan horse is a close second of course !!)

5. soldier . i see everyone talking about king and poet , but where’s the stuff about the noble soldier ??? (i wanted to be king and the almighty ruler so i’m a bit pissed. might pull a macbeth.)

6.phone . (obviously, but i’ll give you another few because that was too obvious.) purse (i lost it like three times this academic year already) & my bingo tickets from three years ago in which i won a tenner (reminds me of gold times.) also my planning notebook because i get a shit tonne of ideas on a walk. OOOH OOH ALSO MY HEADPHONE . need to bop out to taylor , of course.

7. just did the quiz and got athena ! not bad , if i do say so myself !!

8. folklore , evermore , 1989 , lover & rep. (all taylor but i have other faves. but without these i’d die.)

9.yes , of course !!! i think soulmates are there , very much. for example , lu is very much my soulmate , platonic , and i’d do anything for him. absolutely anything. ANYTHING . (for reference, i’d only ever share my food with him. )

q’s for your next journey to my ask box -

top 5 albums ?

hogwarts house ?

divergent faction ?

favourite fun fact ?

soldier , poet or king ?

gold or silver jewellery?

taylor or lana ?

cruel summer vs don’t blame me.

my tears ricochet vs the great war.

favourite candle scent?

pet peeve ?

what makes you laugh the most ?

do u have a middle name ?

how common is ‘eh’ and ‘hoser’ in canada ?

(that’s all for now bee , but i shall be awaiting your reply like a wife waiting for her soldier husband to return from war. don’t die on the battlefield, bee . come back soon !)

[blackvahana]

personal ramblings

No birthday wishes please, ignore I said anything about it, but uh as context today's my birthday

Lev got me a necklace, a stone in it... Im really not good at channelling this. Honestly Im infinitely grateful for how he gave it to me, he passed it to me in a box and said happy birthday and left so I could open it in private. Ngl I have been. infinitely stuck in terms of progress because I have a lot of expectations on me regarding clear sight, astral prowess, and so on, so my senses are constantly shut down so I dont get things (Cant go wrong if you dont go!)... he gave me time to sniff it, figure it out for myself, and when I was still having trouble he came to me and gently explained. bless him lmfao

But anyway. Its... Im not going to question what exactly its made from yet, but its for storing and accessing memories. Its slowly integrating itself with me, allowing me to actually remember where Ive been, and. so on. I think its more so allowing me to just parse memories in the subconscious and unconscious minds - or I guess allowing me to parse them more naturally and less confined to the instantaneous recall.

I. admittedly. uh. Memory is a bad topic for me. I dont want to remember any of my life, nor recent past lives on Gold's side. I dont really remember much of it anyway. Im forced to remember school and living in the place Ive trauma from nightly, nightly for years. The five years I was living with the twins... I couldnt remember my own name, where Id been that day or any days prior, i had no memory. I had no memory of steps id taken, what the house and room i was in looked like when it wasnt in view - and even when it was in view id have patches of it being completely foreign to me - and so on and so forth. It was... horrible, uh, the years after school. From age 14 onwards going from an As student down further and further to the point i couldnt pick up any hobbies or any skills or learn anything about fucking anything because i wouldnt remember even if i managed to be able to read more than a sentence - dissociation so strong i was blacked out most of the time if we're talking about memories

My life is dictated by... having to remember, carrying memories i cant access, and trying to forget. Having to remember as in i need to wake up the parts of myself that are my unincarnated selves - the energy lines to them - and how to do what i do and... so on. and then im sure you get the latter two. Im holding this and... I havent had a natural relationship with memories and memory since i was... 17. I am now no longer 27. I am 28. I have left the decade of hell and now hold the choice to remember

because thats what this is about, he wants me to remember the good things i do, which i never can. I write endlessly here about being shocked xyz thing happened and that i did this and that and then blank, and keep presuming i am powerless, talentless, never succeeding in anything. Ive lately been trying to remember and see myself differently, allowing rereading past posts where im surprised Ive achieved things as I remember doing them to inform a different reading and interpretation of who i am.. but. you know. its one thing to walk through life being forced to have faith in your own faltering feet, blindfolded and always bumping into everything, and another to be able to take in your surroundings and use the memory of what youve seen to inform the world. As in: I struggle to remember that where i am is somewhere ive been, who the people around me are, where they go when i cant see them. if i could just. remember...

[corny-ass-shit]

soo i literally suck in every area of my life.

ive said in 3 different parts of my life that, “i’ll do better” and “im sorry” like 10 times. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. its like the words wont leave my head.

my family, who barely sees me because im always hanging out because i hate them, say they miss me and need me at home. ok, im sorry, i’ll be at home more. i’ll do better. yes im at home more but now i have attitude. wow i wonder why you fucking assholes, i literally cant stand you and you’re the rudest, narcissistic, transphobic/homophobic, oblivious people ive ever be around. but fine. i’ll shut my mouth and my attitude. i’ll do better.

my boyfriend, who i love dearly, thinks hes not enough for me. hes saying stuff like ‘why arent i enough for you to pay attention to me?’ and more stuff mentioning when i accidentally ignored him or when im on my phone too much (which is a genuine problem because ive become connected to my phone with the previous reason being anxiety, and now its just an addiction), or times where it isnt my fault and someone interrupts a conversation between me and him and just starts yapping but i cant shut them up like they’re a machine or when hes standing behind us and im not directly looking or talking at him?? i suggested coming to the side of me instead of behind but that was wrong of me i guess. but whatever, i’ll do better, im sorry. no but im apparently not listening to what hes saying, im telling him to fix things instead of listening, im reading his words but not listening. what the fuck else do you want me to do? shut everyone out of my life? i would happily do so but thats not fucking socially acceptable. but still, im saying i’ll do better so why dont you believe me? im not a liar. i stopped being a pathological liar years ago for people i love, because i didnt want to hurt them. im crying, having a panic attack on top of anxiety and nausea and shaking from medication im having a panic attack. im sorry. im fucking sorry. i cant do better can i? i dont know but i know that im trying really hard, and he wont believe me. but all i keep saying is, and all ive been saying since we’ve been friends is, i’ll do better. (and honestly im sorry i cant let go of things, im sorry i hold grudges, im sorry everything you say or do affects me. i am really sorry.)

My school. im failing 2 classes. never in my life had i ever been failing a single class, never mind 2, im killing myself because of it. they’re both advanced classes too. my math teaches emails my mom (even though im not failing) saying shes worried im disconnected in class and not following the coursework. yeah, maybe thats because im doing a sport at 6 am and have to be up at 5, and i dont get home most nights until 9-10 pm. my ap world teacher doesnt gaf, ive been doing ok on my quizzes since i started doing my homework again instead of literally stealing my friends hw from that class to show to him. i think i failed the test though, i dont remember. my chem si teacher emailed my mom about me failing and being disconnected and not paying attention during class. thanks for letting her know that im failing dawg i didnt need her knowing that. i was gonna bring the grades up but wtv. i fucking failed the last test and passed the test before that by 3 points. he said we havent even reached the honors level work yet and im failing. fuck you. im not doing my hw and im zoning out during class. i dont want to be like this, im usually good. im a good kid. i’m supposed to be. im always in honors for report cards. always. i always have at LEAST an 85 in my classes, but im struggling with a 54 in chem, a 61 in ap world, and 73 in math. like what if i kill myself. the one thing i was semi-good at. theres always gonna be people better than me in every field of work. school, art, makeup, fashion, sports, everything i like theres always someone better. i know its impossible to be the best, but cant i at least be good?

i love my life, but no i dont. hence the reason im suicidal :))))))

[haretic]

recently i've come into a predicament. my sobriety seems to be causing issues. that or my friends are terrible people.

since a few months ago, i've tried calling quits on drinking and drugs. it is tough, i always feel like an eternally lame teenager, but i'm better off for it.

i don't like who i am or how i feel when i get drunk or high. it makes my dissociation worse, my psychosis worse, and it sends me into these massive spirals.

my friends know this. i've talked to them about it.

since summer break started all they've done is plan hangouts i very distinctly cannot go to. all where drinking and smoking is the main event. i've brought up my sobriety before, they know full well i can't make events like that, but they refuse to do anything that isn't directly centered around intoxication.

i feel utterly and completely alone. only about three of them care enough to plan events with me without intoxicants. everytime i try to make plans in our groupchat, everyone else completely ignores me, leaves me on read or talks over me. they simply do not care if they have to be sober. its no fun for them if they arent sober.

recently, they've all started getting meaner, too. it started with snide comments, then just straight up making fun of my autism, making fun of who i am, making fun of my sobriety, telling me to shut up and find somewhere else to hang out, etc. its hurtful. its really really hurtful.

i don't see why they do it - i try to not bring up my sobriety often, unless it applies. if they're making plans and they ask me to come, i'll just say no thank you, and wish them to have fun. ask them to send me a few pics! i never make myself seem better for being sober, infact, i feel the complete opposite. i feel like a total fucking loser for it. but i know its for the best. when i try to make plans, i try to make sure itll be something fun for everyone. going to hang out at a park when the weathers nice, seeing a movie, stuff like that. they don't care unless theres drugs or booze.

now, on to the topic of tonights cry session, long overdue: they made plans to go on a roadtrip during an event i begged them to attend for me.

they completely ghosted me while i was asking them to come, expressing interest in the event, practically begging them. i looked so pathetic, and they still didn't care about it. so they made plans for when i very specifically couldn't go.

immediately, everyone responded. when i couldn't even get a response from more than two or three of my closer friends at a time. now all the people i had tried to make plans with without a single text back were talking about how fun it would be.

i really wouldnt mind if they said no to my event, thats very much not the issue. i know it isnt for everyone, but i wanted to share my interests and introduce them to the friends i made through it. my issue was that they were entirely ignoring me. i havent gotten to see most of them in a month, maybe longer. i havent even gotten dignified answers from any of them in ages. they act like i dont exist

i dont want to have to break my sobriety just to have friends, but it feels like at this point its the only way i can get people to want to be around me.

i have friends that do care, but i always feel like the people i want to care the most simply don't. not even my own mom cares. she spent the entire time while i was sobbing to her about it defending them. saying it was my fault i got treated this way. made me feel bad about my own sobriety. i feel like im not even liked by the guy i like. i invest a lot of time and energy into him, but i feel like he just doesn't like me to the extent i like him. it kind of sucks.

i just really, really want to be cared for. i want to be cared for and liked and i want people to want to spend time with me. i hate having to bed. i hate having to make myself weak just for people to reject me over and over and over again. i feel pathetic and sad

i just want anyone real, anyone tangible, who can reach out and touch me, to care about me.

i'm done trying though. if they don't want to care about me, they aren't getting that effort back. i officially resign from my position.

which is a total fucking lie. i can't just make myself stop caring. but i've reached a new low point in my depression about it. i feel useless and lost. i have so many friends online who say they care, but that only goes so far. they cant reach out and touch me. they cant force me to leave me house and hangout. and as much as i love them, as much as id want to, i feel like i waste my life away spending it all online.

i want something real. something i can touch. just for once, please. someone who cares unconditionally. someone who will take care of me the way i take care of them. i want someone to be there for me. im tired

i dont know how much longer i can do this. i feel crazy rambling about it. im crying again and i feel totally dead. like someones already hollowed me out like a grapefruit, blended all my insides then shoved them back in the skins like a pate or something then started eating it spoonful by spoonful

ill find a way out soon, i guess. ill find someone who actually wants to care about me soon, i hope.

[b0mblover]

Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.

By: J

major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention

uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.

uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.

talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!

i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.

hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig 😭

(oh yea, if it wasn’t obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)

——————————

yknow,

you havent been a great person

or a good one even.

yet you still question as to why i dont love you

or like you,

maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.

maybe not

i dont really care about your feelings.

at all.

not now.

i put up with this for fucking 14 years.

my entire fucking life.

ive put up with your shit.

but now?

now im done.

you have no idea how badly you fucked up.

when he said that “im sorry im a fuck up” 

yknow.

he mightve not been right for what he did.

but,

it was just a mistake.

it was a goddamn mistake.

you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?

how many times ive repeated them?

how many times i fucking meant it?

just because you “had it bad” doesnt mean shit to me.

you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.

dont give me that “i dont know how else to act!”

bullshit.

bullshit you dont.

you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!

you had a goddamn kid

you had two goddamn children.

with this man that you fucking DESPISE.

you knew it back then too.

you told me you did.

you fucking told me.

almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.

nothing.

you have no right to act like that.

no.

you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.

for such a simple mistake.

i dont care if he talked about it since friday.

i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.

you.

you as a goddamn human.

have no right.

none.

in the slighest.

to hit another living being.

for talking about something in your eyes “too much”

or making a mistake.

youre a hypocrite.

need i remind you?

you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.

that youd be a better person.

stop the fights.

stop the beatings.

stop all of it.

and everything would be okay!

.

i didn’t believe you for a goddamn millisecond.

youre a liar.

just how you said i was.

you didnt quit.

you didnt stop.

hell two months after you hit him again!

you threatened to kill him and yourself!

cmon.

dont you get it yet?

i fucking despise you.

maybe to a degree i feel shocked.

but.

i really dont think thats it.

youre the root of my problems.

every single last fucking one.

——————

need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?

.

need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?

.

need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?

.

need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?

.

need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because “it couldntve been like that”?

.

need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?

.

need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?

.

need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?

.

need i remind you of what i seen?

.

need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?

.

need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?

.

i dont care about your feelings anymore.

i gave up years ago.

but now.

i dont feel just numb for you.

i hate you.

in every sense of the word.

.

i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.

.

i dont care about what you think of my appearance.

.

i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.

.

i dont care about what you think because you’ll hate me no matter what.

.

you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.

you yelled at me.

no.

you fucking screamed at me for weeks.

im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.

i dont give a fuck about you.

and yknow?

if.

no.

if it would work.

if it was possible.

id fucking kill you.

id stab you.

right here.

right now.

to end my suffering.

to end his suffering.

all of it.

id end it all.

i dont care if its wrong.

because i know no one else knows about whats going on.

yknow.

only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.

and i havent even met her in person.

yknow.

the people i used to be close with from school.

only just learned you had an affair.

i know that.

the police are do-less.

since you know them.

and hes a man.

not a woman.

it wouldnt be taken seriously.

that he should just fight back.

yknow.

youve ruined what life he has left.

his parents beat him.

his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.

and here.

youve done the exact same thing.

yknow.

he’ll never get to see how love truely is.

because of you.

because of what youve done.

i cant say i really like him either.

but.

that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.

.

yknow whats worse?

how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.

is because ive proved that i won’t hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.

i know i joke about that night.

but.

really.

hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.

its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years. 

and even now.

if you were to as so much to touch me.

while in a fight.

id do it all over again.

you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.

but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.

i wont forgive you for what youve done.

even if he will.

.

i want nothing to do with you.

get out of my life for good.