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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Surveys #417-419

Been slacking on posting these, so here’s like three surveys over the past few days divided up. I just don’t feel like posting them individually. Beware, it’s a long post, haha.

Do you believe that animals don’t have souls? I lean towards the idea that they, at least more complex species with actual sentience, do in some way. It's hard to imagine like, a fly having a soul, but it's a nice thought. You could NEVER convince me some don't, though, like my late dog Teddy, Sara's old chameleon Jem, and I could go on and on. Have you ever not been able to swallow pills? No, I've always been able to. If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to? Maybe like, Quinn. Something you don't hear a lot, for sure. Something more memorable. What are your thoughts on orange soda? Orange cream soda is BOMB. Man, been so long since I've had that stuff... Are you good with children and/or animals? Don't mean to brag, but people say I'm like a magician with animals. No matter what it is, I bond with it. Children, not so much. I'm awkward around them. Who in your life makes you smile the most? My cat, ha ha. If you were cremated, where would you want your ashes to be placed? Hm. Maybe high up in the mountains or in the Kalahari Desert. Do you plan on going to your high school’s reunion? No. I'm pretty sure I'd shatter from memories just entering the building. Would you want revenge on someone if they killed someone special to you? Or would you find it in your heart to forgive? "Forgive" my ass. They'd better get what's coming to them, even if I've gotta be the person to deliver it. Is there someone you are dying to see? More than I think anyone could possibly know. But it's probably better if I never do. Could you picture yourself getting married and having kids? Married, yes. Having kids, no. I could only picture that in one phase of my life, but like I called it: a phase. I should never be a mother, nor do I want to be one to begin with, so yeah, no kids for me. Do you like to take walks? If my legs were actually worth a shit, yes, I would, if it's in a nature-filled area. What are you listening to at this moment in time? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? No. Could you say something good about the last person you kissed? She's very resilient. Why are you single? Because 1.) I'm a very unappealing example of an adult, 2.) I'm not exactly very attractive, and 3.) I'm basically a hermit, so I don't meet people. Do you get jealous if your boyfriend hugs another girl? Hypothetically, in almost any case, I wouldn't. My imaginary boyfriend can have female friends. But I'll admit if it was like, an ex-girlfriend or something and it was a seriously intense hug, I might. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yes, but I mean, who doesn't. Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? You make this sound so scandalous lmao. Yes, plenty of times. I dated a dude and briefly lived with him for three and a half years. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Who was the last person that you cried in front of? I'm sure it was Mom. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? Nah. Do you remember every single person that you’ve kissed? Yeah. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, oh yeah. The planet itself, given the infinite nature of the universe, also yes. At SOME point, even if it's zillions of years down the line, Earth is gonna get fucked by something. Are you socially awkward? I am the literal avatar of "socially awkward." Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? Horror. Who is your favorite actor/actress? MARK IS A FUCKIN' ACTOR, Y'ALL. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Are you good at admitting your problems? HA! Yeah. ezpz Have you ever had a hangover? No, never been drunk to begin with. Do you know any strippers? No. How many times have you dyed your hair? I ain't counting. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Dinosaurs. Do you think you eat healthy? I try to. I have my bad days, though. Are you sick quite often or hardly at all? My immune system is the fucking MVP. I am just about never, ever sick. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Yes. Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? Chocolate, duh. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? Nah, no biggie. Has your cell phone ever rung in class? Omg no, I woulda been mortified. Have you ever tried opening your eyes under water? Yeah, as a kid. Would you rather have a cat or a dog? I prefer cats. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Like... six times, I wanna say. What would you say is your favorite type of flower? Orchids, but I also love dahlias. I've actually noticed that I've really had a greater "thing" for flowers lately. Like don't get me wrong, I've always loved flowers very much, but I've just found myself more drawn to them than usual, especially when taking the daily hour ride to the TMS office. Do you watch Toddlers and Tiaras? FUCK no. That show disgusts and angers me so much. If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Yeah, no. Funny joke. I couldn't go anyway due to mental health issues and a suicidal history. Do you own an old vintage typewriter? We used to when I was little. I have no idea what happened to it, though?? Hell, maybe we still have it somewhere, but I doubt that. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ew, does ANYONE like the smell of fish??? Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? I got a few pages into The Fault in Our Stars, but stopped for no real reason. I didn't not like it or anything, I was just still in my "I don't read" episode. Are you a protective person? VERY. I'm a fucking guard dog over those I love most. Are you a fan of penguins? Yeah, they're cute. I especially think emperor penguins are very majestic. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don’t have a favorite author. Did you get your mom or dad’s eyes? Neither's. I think my maternal grandpa had blue eyes, though? I'm not sure at all, though. When was the last time someone bought you flowers? Not sure. Has there ever been a murder in your town? "A" murder? Thems is rookie numbers for my neck of the woods, fella. This place is known for crime, and that includes murder. When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing? Well, I have seriously severe sleep apnea, so... but the diagnosis came as a surprise to me, because I never DID think this. But sure enough, did a sleep study, and in just one hour's time, I stopped breathing like what, 30 times? What's the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Stupid drivers. Do you have any life-changing plans within the next 6 months? I guess getting a job could be pretty life-changing. As of right now, how do you feel about your future? I'm very, very scared. Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly? Hm, I dunno. Where does your grandma live? Both of mine are dead, but my paternal grandmother lived in Michigan, while my maternal one technically lived in Florida, but stayed in New York with her son's family a whole lot. I don't really know where she stayed more. Do you know how to read music? Not anymore. Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone special? Not so much the song, but the band. Motionless In White is one of his all-time favorites, so I can't listen to them without thinking of Jason. Sucks because they've been becoming one of MY favorites, too, so I listen to them a lot. If the person who has hurt you the most, said they were in love with you, would you believe them? I'd tell him he was in a love with a person who no longer exists. It's impossible for him to be in love with me now when he doesn't know how much I've changed. If Facebook made you pay would you still use it? Ha, no. Have you ever been recorded on film without your permission? Not that I know of? Tell me about your last boyfriend? He's a wonderful person. He's been there for me without fail since we became friends in high school band, and he is SO fucking funny. He's always cared a lot about me, and I care a lot about him, just not in the same way he does me. He's like my big brother. Are your parents racist? My dad definitely is. What is your least favorite subject in school? Math and economics both sucked. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? Almost certain no. I'm pretty sure Dad didn't fight for custody at all, but it could've been something Mom just never told me. Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I NEVER could. Do you have any siblings you neglect? .-. As a kid, did you ever go to camp? I went to Vacation Bible School, if that counts. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? Yeah, until that big news story about a dirty needle pricking a child. Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Not to my knowledge. I highly doubt it. What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? Cheese quesadilla with fiesta potatoes. Rarely a pair of those cinnamon ball thingies. Ever consider a sex change? Nah. Do you eat whip cream straight out of the can? EW no. I hate the texture of whipped cream. What do you think of popcorn? Loooove. Have you ever dated any of your friends’ ex? No. Well, it's funny, Rachel (both Juan's and Jason's ex) and I are friends now, but definitely weren't at the time of us being together. Have you ever gone out with someone even though one of your friends liked that person first? If yes, did you feel bad? If no, were you tempted to? No. Would you rather be a rich musician, or a rich actor? Musician. What was the last charity you donated to? I don't recall. Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? I've told the "my friends and I saved hundreds of tadpoles" story enough times, so for this question, I'll just talk about when I would go fishing with Dad as a kid. Back then, if I got bored of actually fishing, I would walk along the riverbank and try to catch tadpoles and minnows in my hands. It was soooo fun to Kid Brittany. Do you walk fast or slow? I walk pretty damn slow. Can you juggle with more than two items? I can't juggle, period. Do you like jalapenos? Yeah! Do you like kiwis? Yessss, I love kiwi! Does anyone in your family go deer or bird hunting? Who is it anyway? I don't know if she still does, but my little sister used to go deer hunting with a friend.

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? Yeah, my pet snake's 40 gallon terrarium. What sort of things do you have bookmarked in your internet browser? It's quite diverse, but I think I mostly have templates for specific character profiles. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No, I'm a good noodle. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Certainly! It's beautiful there. If you have a cat, does it ever “converse” with you? Oh, ABSOLUTELY. When I talk to him, he sure does try to answer me and it's the cutest thing, ha ha. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Yeah, that’s what I use. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc? Yeah, guess he changed his mind. Name one of your ex’s mother’s names? Virginia. Does your favorite song have a meaning? BIG TIME. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? I've written one. .-. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? When I was changing her diaper, she got up and ran around naked in the house. ;-; Do you own a nightgown? No. If you could get any pet right now, what would you get? i. want. my. tarantula. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? No. That is just such a TV trope that I've never even heard of happening irl. Do you/did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I only had a locker in middle school, and I believe I didn't. I didn't want one in HS. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I was never a Legos kid; I played with Lincoln Logs. Do you want to get pregnant right now? Fuck no, man. Or ever. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? No. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I don't have one, really. Are there any books you want to read? Besides the series I'm reading, I want to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but idk if I'll ever get to it, really. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? We don't have a close relationship, but I am nevertheless. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not really, it seems. First letter of the names of everyone you have kissed? J, T, D, S. Do you like going to school sports games? No, I hated it. When Ash was a cheerleader, Mom made me go, and I was never happy about it. Have you ever worn your boyfriend’s clothes? An ex-boyfriend's, yeah. Did you get into your mom’s makeup when you were a kid? I don't think I did? Do you want anything pierced? Ugh, a lot of places. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating when you actually didn’t? I've never been accused of cheating. Has anyone ever called you stuck-up? No. I'm quite the opposite. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Too many, really. What are you doing this summer? Nada. Do you still watch MTV? I never did. Have you ever spent the night with the last person you kissed? Yes. What’s the dress code for your job? Do you like it? I'm unemployed. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? ^, and this might sound stupid, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't. Especially tattoos. No job is stopping me from doing things that improve my self-esteem and body image, particularly when I LOATHE my body. If a little bit of art makes me feel better about myself? Nobody is stopping me. What are some trends you dislike that everyone seems to love? "Crocs. Whyyyy?" <<<< THIS. First people hated them, now they love them??? They're hideous as shit. If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? I don't really know. How often do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough for someone with skin as dry as mine. Do you donate your old stuff to Goodwill? If so, what was the last thing you donated? Yeah. Mom recently brought some old toys, I think? How weight conscious are you? You have no fucking idea. Rent a movie or go see one in theaters? I prefer going to a theater. I enjoy the experience. What’s the biggest personality trait turn-off for a potential partner? Probably being an explosive/volatile person. I can't with that. Would you ever go on a birth control pill? I already am to regulate my period and tame the cramps. And if I was sexually active, I absolutely would want to be on it. What's your favorite late night tv show? I don’t have one. At high school do or did you participate in Spirit Week? No. Do you have a favorite vocalist? Who? Queen's Freddie Mercury will probably always top the list. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I don't have a favorite photographer. Surprisingly. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? If it's with someone I'm in love with and am in the mood, sure. What is one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? I did NOT expect to reach 25 like... *gestures at self* this. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never handle euthanizing pets and watching the families' hearts break. How long have you lived in the house you live in? Not even a year. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? I'm definitely sadder. Especially today. Do you like Subway? I do. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever found a spider on your bed? Yes. It's the scariest shit when one skitters across your blanket, because like, you LEAST expect it to happen in the comfort of your own bed. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? Not even remotely, if I'm being honest. I'm at a real low. When was the last time you ate at Burger King? Years ago, when I was a vegetarian and went there for the veggie burger. How often do you cry? lol a lot Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Can you wire a plug? ... I don't even know what you mean by "wire a plug," so obviously no lmfao. Where were you when you got your first period? Well I think I actually *started* at school, but I noticed when I got home. Can you drive? I mean I'm capable, but I'm an incredibly anxious, overly passive, and just generally terrified driver. I'm so scared of when I finally get new glasses and therefore a new permit... but I have to get used to driving. Living where I do, public transportation is very, very limited, and I just can't have people driving me places the rest of my life. Exercise or healthy eating? I sadly hate exercising SO much. I'd rather eat healthy. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child? Yeah. Are you more attracted to men or women? This can actually vary with time, which I originally thought was weird but is apparently normal for some bisexual individuals. There are spans where I feel more sexual attraction to men, and then other times women. Has anyone ever called you rich? God no, I am so far from it. What makes you feel beautiful? Nothing. Are you considered a very sensitive person? I'm way too sensitive for my own good. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes, my dad. I regret that letter I sent him so, so much. I honestly don't know how he can treat me with so much love after the shit I said. If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be? I am... astonishingly behind on Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. I know, seriously incredible. I just don't watch TV, man. It's strange, I'm into the show, of course I am, I just... don't like sitting myself in front of a television and purely watching it. I'll catch up, though. Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it? No. But it's not like people have a reason they grind their teeth... they just do. Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. I could, but I'm not going to. It'll just upset me. Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? My sister's husband's name is Nick, but he is definitely not my friend. I can't stand his bigoted, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, racist ass. I don't know or care what his favorite food is. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab and Sinow play Resident Evil 5. People can say all they want about RE5, but I love it. Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Waffles, but only if they're still soft enough to not be considered crunchy. I prefer them because I can put peanut butter on them, and the grooves catch the syrup instead of just absorbing it all like pancakes. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I don't/can't drink diet sodas because the artificial sweetener gives me a KILLER headache. Are you craving anything right now? You guys have no idea how badly I want Taco Bell for whatever reason. Which word did you say first, mama or dada? The latter. What was your first pet’s name? So, there's three answers to this. I was born into the family while we had a collie named Trigger, but I have absolutely zero memory of her. She passed when I was too young. Our first family pet that I clearly remember was Chance, our rescued cat. My first *personal* pet was either a guinea pig named Squeak or Chinese water dragon named Shadow. I can't remember who came first. Who was your best friend in elementary? It changed with the years, but I can say the three biggies were Brianna, Kim, and Quiata. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Probably Coach Collie. He was so wise, kind, funny... He was all-around just wonderful and taught so many life lessons. When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Always. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? Waking up and doing my first sweep of the Internet before I get bored outta my fucking senses. Do you read any web comics? No.

Do you drink bottled water? Yeah, but like any water, it has to be COLD. Not room temperature. Not a tad chilly. I mean cooooold. When did you last use a straw? Earlier. I have a metal straw I use to drink water with because I drink faster through a straw, and with it being water, of course I want to try to drink as much as I can when I actually choose to drink water. Have you ever tackled someone to the ground? No. Do you know anyone who lies to make themselves look more interesting? My former best friend did that. She was an online friend, so it made it easy. I finally caught on and called her out on it, and then she just totally dipped. Do you like to sing? Not that much, honestly. Like sometimes I feel like it, sure, but not frequently. Are your parents in good health? No, not really. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No. I feel bad saying it, but I know I never could be. I could NOT clean another human being. It's one of the bajillion reasons I'm not having kids. Do you like to take naps during the day? "Like" isn't the right word. I just... need to. Most days, there is NO way I can make it 'til night without one. What movie was your favorite to see in the movie theater? Even though it was sincerely a sucky movie, I really enjoyed watching Silent Hill: Revelation because I saw the 3D version, plus the hype over my favorite franchise getting a new movie was just very exciting. Favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character? I was never into that. Ever watched The Blair Witch Project? Yes, and I positively adore it. I genuinely think it's a genius horror movie, never showing, but telling through other methods. Have a favorite AC/DC song? Probably "You Shook Me All Night Long." Are you good at selling candy for those fundraiser things? Omg nooooo I HATED doing that shit, especially when some amount of sales were like, required for whatever bullshit reason. I hate hate hate advertising to people. My parents always bought them instead. Have you ever had a crush on someone too old for you? No. Well, besides James Hetfield, ha ha. What's your favorite Dr. Suess quote? I don't know enough quotes to have one. If you were to have wings, what would you want them to look like? Dark and dragon-esque with lots of rips and tears in them... but not enough to stop me from flying, ha ha. Have you ever broken up with someone to find you want them back later? No. Has anyone ever dared you to eat a chili pepper? Did you do it? No. Have you ever tried Thai food? No. Have you ever watched Avatar? The TV show, not the movie. I've seen I think one season with Sara so far? I actually quite enjoy it. What's your cellphone's signature for text? WOW this survey is ancient. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don't smoke it. Do you often take painkillers? I dunno about "often," but headaches to the point I take something aren't rare for me. Do you wish you were in a relationship? I mean yes, but I know it's for the better I'm not. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? I feel extremely guilty. I try not to think about it. Where have you lived for the most part of your life? Eastern NC. How old are you? 25. What are you listening to at the moment? Powerwolf came out with a new album, so I've been bingeing the shit out of some songs, ha ha. Right now it's "Blood For Blood." Do you watch WWE Raw? Ew, no. I have NEVER gotten the appeal of wrestling. Just like... why????? Do you dye your hair? Nowhere near regularly. :/ I haven't had it dyed in a very long time, and I hate it. I love colored hair. We just can't afford that expense on something so little. My hair does NOT take dye easily, so we have to have a professional do it, and that isn't exactly cheap. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mother, so. Have you fallen asleep in school? Not in class, no. In college when I would be in the library between classes, though, I've dozed before. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, but not for physical issues. Do you make fun of obese people? You're talking to someone who is. So obviously no, and you're a piece of fucking shit if you do. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie. Have you ever tried to headbang? No. Even as a metalhead, I don't get it, man. You're asking for a headache. Do you own any Converse? What do you think of them? I have a few and like them. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I mean, I'm an admin on two sites, so I guess? Were your ancestors royalty? Yeah, I'm related to one of the Queen Victorias, I believe. I just know she had a thing for beheading people, ha ha. What do you like on your pasta/noodles? Sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.? Just tomato sauce and meatballs, really. Who is the most ungrateful person you know? What makes them this way? My fucking ex-best friend. You could never, ever give her enough and she just... blegh. She was so fucking ungrateful for everything people did for her. It was just never enough. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. I don't like Pepsi. Have you ever held an uncommon pet before (ex: mouse, spider, snake, lizard)? I've held snakes, rats, lizards, and a tarantula. Who did you last play truth or dare with? No clue. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? Yeah, they've moved out. What was the most unique pet you’ve owned? I'd probably say my champagne ball python. A lot of people don't even know ball python morphs exist, so seeing her might surprise some people. Do you like Doritos? Yeah. When you buy clothes, do you always try them on first? No, but I need to learn how to... I just HATE doing it. Have you used bugspray recently? No. Do you enjoy swimming in the ocean? Yesssss. Have you ever tried to sew or knit anything? No. Has something ever happened to you that seemed like it was from a movie? Most of Jason's and my relationship felt like one. Hence why the breakup felt so sudden and just impossible. Do you find yourself to be a believer in love at first sight? Not even remotely. Is there something you want to do, that you swear you will, no matter what? Spread Teddy's ashes in Yellowstone. I promised him. Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) I am an adult, and it sucks. What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? Any meat that was hunted. Have you ever owned a diary/journal with a lock and key? I don't believe so. When you were little, what movie did you watch over and over? Mostly Disney films, like The Lion King and Finding Nemo. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Do you know what you want for your dream house? Nope. I honestly don't really care about having a "dream" house to begin with. I just need one that's cozy to me and gets the job done. Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook? Many, many times. It's my favorite romance movie. Have you ever used the photo editing site “Picnik”? No, not to my memory. Has an animal ever taken a strong dislike to you? Our old dog Bentley didn't like me all that much, and I didn't like him, either. Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? No. Do you have a lucky or special coin? No. Do you love ice cream cake more than normal cake? No. Do you check your email daily? No. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? Envy. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes, actually. For a while many years ago, my old laptop left subtle burn marks on my legs. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? My nephew's is next month. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I doooo. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Ha, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Maybe when I went to SeaWorld as a kid? Did you ever have one of those easy bake ovens as a kid? Yup. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure. What flavor cake do you like for your birthday? Red velvet. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Two people. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve met online? Sara. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? I was very afraid of dolls as a kid, so I obviously didn't have one. Do you sell any products? If so, what? I mean, I'm a wannabe photographer that sells my service. Owls or peacocks? Owls. Lions or horses? Lions. Can you still fit into kid’s clothes? Hell no. What devotional do you read, if any? None. What do you make wishes on? I only ever do for the tradition of it on my birthday. I don't believe in the magic of wishes, though. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Are you bitter about anything? Probably always will be. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? Never had one. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? Yes. It was identified as a fracture, but a break and a fracture are technically like the same thing, so. At a skating rink, I fell and landed on my hand so the top of it nearly touched my arm, so my wrist got FUCKED. I will never, ever forget the severity of the pins and needles feeling and just the experience in general. It hurt so goddamn bad. Is this the best year of your life? Fuck no.

#in other words i don't feel like thinking up song lyrics for three surveys at once lmao #survey #surveys #random questions

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notthefilmreview · 5 years ago

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Falling in love with Aster Flores in 1hr and 45m (aka watching THE HALF OF IT)

Hi, it’s Dana and today I’m going to be reviewing THE HALF OF IT!

I am so excited; I have been waiting for this movie since the trailer first came out weeks ago so it’s safe to say that my expectations are high and I truly hope that this will be rememorable.

I also did a reaction to the trailer of THE HALF OF IT so if you haven’t seen that the link is here.

I think that’s all I really have to say so read on to see my reaction to THE HALF OF IT...

This is just a lovely way to start a movie and I have noticed that a lot of movies do that. I personally really like the simplicity of adding a meaningful quote at the beginning of a movie (especially if it’s actually corely related, not just added for the sake of adding it) because it gives it that book-like, nostalgic feeling.

In the first few seconds of the movie we already have that idea of soulmates explained in some really creative animation and lovely narration. What I’m thinking is that obviously alluding to that connection between Aster and Ellie being almost soulmate-like.

And here we have Ellie who is scientific and rational and doesn’t believe in soulmates. Oh, she is going to find that everything she has once believed in is going to be proved so so wrong once she meets Aster and I just can’t wait!!!!

Ellie’s mum. We don’t know what has happened to her yet. Is she dead? Has she left? Is she missing? Was there an accident? But what we do know is that she is the reason why Ellie has closed herself off from other people and believes that love is irrational and meaningless. Therefore, for Ellie to truly accept her feelings for Aster she’ll have to face her mum and I am not ready for this; this is going to most likely be such an emotional part of the movie and I will definitely be crying my eyes out as I attempt to write up this review.

Also, Ellie has a lot of checklists and I feel that vibe because that is pretty much my whole entire life.

Mr Flores? As in Astra Flores?

I think the music teacher might be Aster’s dad and I feel like that’s going to relate in someway. I don’t *exactly* know how - yet - but I will ponder on it throughout the review.

So Aster is also in her dad’s class and she has such a beautiful voice, seriously, listen to it; she sounds like an actual angel and she makes it look so effortless. I understand why everyone likes her so much because even I want to marry her!

I think that Ellie has a crush on her even before she meets her in the corridor and that’s quite cool considering that the trailer made it look as though she gained a love at first sight crush on her (which she obviously doesn’t believe in).

Ellie’s philosophy teacher, who is quite close to her, knows about her essay writing business but never actually turns her in. This was a question I had during my trailer review because I was wondering how none of the teachers have noticed (or they were all just blind).

Another question about the essay business I had was how she manages to get away with writing around the same essays for everyone. However, it turns out that Ellie writes different essays for everyone and that is just amazing.

Also, Ellie was talking about leaving or staying for university so I think that’s also going to be a big thing. I hope that she ends up leaving at the end for her own sake.

Wow, okay, was it just me or did you feel that sexual tension too?

Because that just took my breath away and just made me love Aster even more. I didn’t even know that I could love her more but just watching her talk to Ellie was so beautiful and I just love her. Wow.

She’s so smart and so knowledgable about everything. I just want her to talk to me for hours and hours about anything that comes to her mind.

Aster also has known Ellie for some time which was a surprise because from the trailer I thought that they only met there for the first time. Hmmmm...maybe Aster also has feelings for Ellie????

I’m sensing a theme. Almost feels like a philosophy essay on love...maybe.

Everyone seems to be hanging out in the church which is quite different, I guess.

Aw, Aster is insecure about being at the peak of popularity and she’s being extremely honest about this to someone she’s only just met. This really shows that even through Ellie’s writing, Aster can tell that the person who’s writing this is genuine and someone she can trust to open up to.

(Also, she should drop her friends and find other people who don’t try to boost their own ego by bringing you down to their level. You are above them. Aster! They are nothing like you, honey!)

But her boyfriend’s quite funny and cute (in like a puppy kind of way). I know we’re meant to not like him because he’s getting in the way of Aster and Ellie but if they just break up I feel like he’ll just be a bit of a cool guy. I love how he has taco time with his girlfriend because that’s just too cute (and also makes me quite hungry).

This.

Oh my, this is just beautiful.

They created art together from a bunch of lines that just so happened to get together.

Wow.

They are goals.

...this, on the other hand, is anything but.

I feel so bad for Aster being letter-fished (y’know, like catfished?) like that. She just wants someone who understands her at that deep sort of level; someone she can talk to about philosophy and art and literature; she needs Ellie (or me because I love books, abstract art, and philosophy too - hit me up, Aster!)

Omg, guys, is Aster Flores my soulmate?

She laughs at horror films! I laugh at horror films! I have seriously never met anyone else who’s crazy enough to laugh at horror films apart from Aster and I am astonished.

Why is she perfect in every way for me?????

However, I do find it extremely creepy how they’re basically stalking Aster and learning everything about her, writing every detail on whiteboards, windows, and notebooks.

I just love the contrast between Paul’s energetic, lively, and chaotic family contrasting with Ellie’s small and quiet home atmosphere.

What’s a taco sausage? A taco with sausage pieces? A hotdog but with a taco shell instead of a bun? A taco shell in the shape of a sausage?

It turns out that Ellie’s mum died when she was quite young.

Paul ends up finding out about Ellie’s crush on Aster quite early on. Actually, everything in this movie happens quite early on which I like because it just gets to the point of the plot without beating around the bush, constantly keeping the audience on their toes. I just love this movie so much.

What I also love is how Paul doesn’t go “you’re gay????” with all those question marks. It’s just normalised without questioning the gender of who she loves; just the person. Paul is actually just a cinammon roll at heart and he does deserve to find love but not with Aster (and I hope he learns that).

I’d probably eat that.

Hmmmm I’m thinking that this might be a bit of foreshadowing for the ending. I predict that Ellie leaves Squahamish and as the train is leaving, Aster (or maybe even Paul because I can’t see Aster running after trains) runs after her to say goodbye.

Hearing them eat those taco sausages has actually made me quite hungry.

Awwwwwww look at this boy; he is too cute to handle; he deserves so much love.

Ellie’s song - oh my. Can you just imagine her having a duet with Aster singing this song? And the fact that everyone claps is just beautiful.

Just no. Please, no. Please, stop, you’re only hurting yourself here. She has a name, please use it.

Also, Ellie’s sudden popularity??? Drunk Ellie??? Protective Paul???

Their friendship is everything that is needed in the world.

Okay, so if I thought that the corridor seen had sexual tension well...this...is on a whole other level.

Aster is conflicted between her destiny to marry Trig and how understood she feels when “Paul” writes to her.

Also I am here for the bromance between Ellie’s dad and Paul.

THIS. SHOT. IS. EVERYTHING.

It sort of reminds me of the lake scene in After - except better.

(Btw, this was kind of their first date. Right?)

Ummm...okay...WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?

WTF PAUL?

Paul, oh my, are you okay? Paul, honey, you were a cinammon roll. I cared about you, Paul. I believed that you deserved to find love when you finally realise you’re just not right for Aster.

Paul, I know that you’re not the brightest bulb in the shop but - this is not what I meant. This is not how I wanted conflict to arise.

This movie was going so well having this PLATONIC friendship that is sweet, caring, and supportive.

Paul, you’ve ruined it.

But, you know what the most annoying part is??? It’s the fact that I know at the end of this movie him and Ellie are probably going to make up and they’re going to brush that near kiss off as Paul being cofused or something and everything will be happy.

Usually, I enjoy watching something that I did not expect and the movie has been delivering that so far - including this. This, on the other hand, I did not like.

What kind of signals are you getting, Paul????

I seriously just want to know what’s going through this guys mind when he asks Ellie “You don’t want me to kiss you?” because she has seriously shown no signs of wanting to kiss him. Not gonna lie, Paul, but I think Ellie would rather make out with a bottle of Yakult than you!

I don’t know, I feel like that just ruined this movie for me. Going into this movie I knew that there will be something that causes a rift in their friendship but I thought this movie was better than using that over-used plot of platonic friendship turning into something more (or something like that, anyone ever watched Naomi and Eli’s No Kiss List? Well that’s what I’m sort of talking about).

There’s about 25 minutes left in the movie so I guess we’ll get through it (I just hope that somehow Paul redeems himself because even Trig seems more of an appealing character now).

Wait.

I swear we established this way at the beginning of the movie.

I’m so confused.

Wow, too far Paul.

I seriously take back every nice thing I said about you earlier being accepting, lovely, caring, and all that because this scene has just ruined him for me. I can’t believe they’re kind of making Paul the antagonist!!!! He had so much potential and they just did that.

There is just no way he’s redeeming himself at the end. I wouldn’t make friends with him again after this.

I really just want to fight him at this point; he just needs to go away; I’m not happy at all.

Why is the only good guy in this movie Ellie’s dad? Seriously, there is not a single good guy and that just makes me so annoyed.

I can confirm.

I feel so bad for Aster, seeing the one person who she thought understood her (Paul) try to kiss Ellie.

And you don’t either Paul.

I’m pretty sure Ellie’s dad understands her a lot more than you could any day so don’t go around thinking that you really know her because if you did then you wouldn’t have said what you said.

AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU ARE A QUEEN ASTER FLORES!

Paul got what he deserved and I had to replay that soooo many times just to get that satisfaction.

(Personally, I think that Aster should have slapped Paul and then kissed Ellie amongst all the triggered homophobes).

This shot is just beautiful. They know they’re both heading in different paths, with Ellie deciding to go to Grinnell and Aster going to art school and this might just be their last chance to get things right between them.

Are we seeing this???

THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED FROM THIS MOVIE!

Even though they’re not ending up together their is that agreement that they like each other and they might even wait for each other after university.

That was just the best goodbye ever. I am so proud of Ellie’s confidence growth.

Ew, no, not you again.

I thought we were done with this guy after he got slapped.

Why can’t it be Ellie’s dad wishing her a farewell???

I can’t believe she just forgives him after he told her she’s basically going to go to Hell and we don’t even see him say sorry to her. I just hate how we were made to love him and...

Oh he’s running after the train oh my, I hate this so much.

Alright, this running and this goodbye would have been cute if all that stuff before didn’t happen - but it did. And no matter how much I try I can’t see Paul the same way no matter how much he attempts to make it up to Ellie.

Paul doesn’t deserve her tears.

(say it with me kids)

The most annoying thing is the fact that this was meant to be a friendship-centric story so I did expect that Aster and Ellie wouldn’t be the main focus but they just ruined the friendship and attempted to restore it in the last 25 minutes through Paul’s speech at church. This wasn’t a friendship story and Paul wasn’t a good friend.

Paul, in the first half was a good friend (the best) and had so much potential. Paul, in the second half destroyed first half Paul and replaced him with his evil homophobic twin brother.

Lol maybe that’s why they call it THE HALF OF IT!

At this point, I don’t even have anything to say except for the fact that I am very much disappointed in Paul’s storyline and what Netflix thinks is a “platonic friendship between a guy and a girl” (or a friendship in general).

As for Aster and Ellie, they got the ending I partially expected with Ellie deciding to leave Squahamish for university and them going their separate ways after that brilliant kiss (there are no words to describe the thick sexual tension between these two people).

Aster in general is just an amazing person who deserves to rule the world and I hate how she had to go through that letter-fishing but the upside is that she has time to figure herself out and what she wants in life at art school without fake friends and Trig holding her back.

I’m happy that Ellie gets to leave Squahamish but I feel sorry that her dad has to hang out with Paul the homophobe back home (I hope his taco sausage business fails and I’m not even sorry).

Anyway, that was a bit of a disappointment but if I just the almost kiss part out of my mind then it’ll be less traumatic.

What did you think of the movie? Good? Bad? Still angry with Paul? Tell me in the comment! Bye!

#the half of it #netflix #movies #movie commentary #ellie chu #aster flores is my bae #aster flores

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xeno-aligned · 7 years ago

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copy & pasted under the read more in order to have a local copy.

A Brief His and Herstory of Butch And Femme

BY: JEM ZERO 16 DEC 2017

When America’s LGBTQ+ folk started coming out of the closet in the 1950s, the underground scene was dominated by working class people who had less to lose if they were outed. Butch/femme presentation arose as a way for lesbians to identify each other, also serving as a security measure when undercover cops tried to infiltrate the local scenes. Butch women exhibited dapper and dandy aesthetics, and came to be known for being aggressive because they took protective roles during raids and other examples of homophobic violence. The image of the butch lesbian became a negative stereotypes for lesbians as a whole, leaving out femme lesbians, who are (pretty insultingly) considered undetectable as lesbians due to their feminine presentation.

In modern times there’s less need for strict adherence to these roles; instead, they become heritage. A great deal of political rebellion is wrapped up in each individual aesthetic. Butch obviously involves rejecting classically feminine gender expectations, while femme fights against their derogatory connotations.

But while butch/femme has been a part of lesbian culture, these terms and identities are not exclusive to queer women. Many others in the LGBTQ community utilize these signifiers for themselves, including “butch queen” or “femme daddy.” Butch and femme have different meanings within queer subcultures, and it’s important to understand the reasons they were created and established.

The Etymology

The term “lesbian” derives from the island on which Sappho lived—if you didn’t already guess, she was a poet who wrote extensively about lady-lovin’. Before Lesbos lent its name to lesbians, the 1880s described attraction between women as Sapphism. In 1925, “lesbian” was officially recorded as the word for a female sodomite. (Ick.) Ten years before that, “bisexual” was defined as "attraction to both sexes."

In upcoming decades, Sapphic women would start tearing down the shrouds that obscured the lives of queer women for much of recorded history. Come the ‘40s and ‘50s, butch and femme were coined, putting names to the visual and behavioral expression that could be seen in pictures as early as 1903. So, yeah—Western Sapphic women popularized these terms, but the conversation doesn’t end there, nor did it start there.

Before femme emerged as its own entity, multiple etymological predecessors were used to describe gender nonconforming people. Femminiello was a non-derogatory Italian term that referred to a feminine person who was assigned male—this could be a trans woman, an effeminate gay man, or the general queering of binarist norms. En femme derives from French, and was used to describe cross-dressers.

Butch, first used in 1902 to mean "tough youth," has less recorded history. Considering how “fem” derivatives were popularized for assigned male folks, one might attribute this inequality to the holes in history where gender-defying assigned female folks ought to be.

The first time these concepts were used to specifically indicate women was the emergence of Sapphic visibility in twentieth century. This is the ground upon which Lesbian Exclusivism builds its tower, and the historical and scientific erasure of bisexual women is where it crumbles. Seriously, did we forget that was a thing?

The assumption that any woman who defies gender norms is automatically a lesbian relies on the perpetuation of misogynist, patriarchal stereotypes against bisexual women. A bisexual woman is just as likely to suffer in a marriage with a man, or else be mocked as an unlovable spinster. A woman who might potentially enjoy a man is not precluded from nonconformist gender expression. Many famous gender nonconforming women were bisexual—La Maupin (Julie d'Aubigny), for example.

Most records describing sexual and romantic attraction between women were written by men, and uphold male biases. What happens, then, when a woman is not as openly lascivious as the ones too undeniably bisexual to silence? Historically, if text or art depicts something the dominant culture at the time disagrees with, the evidence is destroyed. Without voices of the Sapphists themselves, it’s impossible to definitively draw a line between lesbians and bisexuals within Sapphic history.

Beyond White Identities

Another massive hole in the Lesbian Exclusivist’s defenses lies in the creeping plague that is the Mainstream White Gay; it lurks insidiously, hauling along the mangled tatters of culture that was stolen from Queer and Trans People of Colour (QTPOC). In many documents, examples provided of Sapphic intimacy are almost always offered from the perspective of white cis women, leaving huge gaps where women of color, whether trans or cis, and nonbinary people were concerned. This is the case despite the fact that some of the themes we still celebrate as integral to queer culture were developed by Black and Latinx LGBTQ+ folk during the Harlem Renaissance, which spanned approximately from 1920 to 1935.

A question I can’t help but ask is: Where do queer Black, Indigenous, and other People of Color fit into the primarily white butch/femme narrative? Does it mean anything that the crackdown on Black queer folk seemed to coincide with the time period when mainstream lesbianism adopted butch and femme as identifiers?

Similar concepts to butch/femme exist throughout the modern Sapphic scene. Black women often identify as WLW (Women-Loving-Women), and use terms like “stud” and “aggressive femme.” Some Asian queer women use “tomboy” instead of butch. Derivatives and subcategories abound, sometimes intersecting with asexual and trans identities. “Stone butch” for dominant lesbians who don’t want to receive sexual stimulation; “hard femme” as a gender-inclusive, fat-positive, QTPOC-dominated political aesthetic; “futch” for the in-betweenies who embody both butch and femme vibes. These all center women and nonbinary Sapphics, but there’s still more.

Paris is Burning, a documentary filmed about New York City ball culture in the 1980s, describes butch queens among the colourful range of identities prevalent in that haven of QTPOC queerness. Despite having a traditionally masculine physique, the gay male butch queen did not stick to gender expectations from straight society or gay culture. Instead, he expertly twisted up his manly features with women’s clothing and accessories, creating a persona that was neither explicitly masculine nor feminine.

Butch Queens Up in Pumps, a book by Marlon M. Bailey, expounds upon their presence within inner city Detroit’s Ballroom scene, its cover featuring a muscular gay man in a business casual shirt paired with high heels. Despite this nuance, butch remains statically defined as a masculine queer woman, leaving men of color out of the conversation.

For many QTPOC, especially those who transcend binary gender roles, embracing the spirit of butch and femme is inextricable with their racial identity. Many dark-skinned people are negatively portrayed as aggressive and hypermasculine, which makes it critical to celebrate the radical softness that can accompany femme expressions. Similarly, the intrinsic queerness of butch allows some nonbinary people to embrace the values and aesthetics that make them feel empowered without identifying themselves as men.

Butch, Femme, and Gender

It’s pretty clear to me that the voices leading the Lesbian Exclusive argument consistently fail to account for where butch and femme have always, in some form, represented diverse gender expression for all identities.

‘Butch’ and ‘femme’ began to die out in the 1970s when Second Wave Feminism and Lesbian Separatism came together to form a beautiful baby, whom they named “Gender Is Dead.” White, middle class cis women wrestled working class QTWOC out of the limelight, claiming that masculine gender expression was a perversion of lesbian identity. The assassination attempt was largely unsuccessful, however: use of these identifiers surged back to life in the ‘80s and ‘90s, now popularized outside of class and race barriers.

Looking at all this put together, I have to say that it’s a mystery to me why so many lesbians, primarily white, believe that their history should take precedence over… everyone else that makes up the spectrum of LGBTQ+ experiences, even bi/pan Sapphics in same-gender relationships. If someone truly believes that owning butch/femme is more important than uniting and protecting all members of the Sapphic community from the horrors of homophobic and gendered oppression, maybe they’re the one who shouldn’t be invited to the party.

As a nonbinary lesbian, I have experienced my share of time on the flogging-block. I empathize strongly with the queer folks being told that these cherished identities are not theirs to claim. Faced with this brutal, unnecessary battle, I value unity above all else. There’s no reason for poor trans women, nonbinary Black femmes, bisexual Asian toms, gay Latino drag queens, or any other marginalized and hurting person to be left out of the dialogue that is butch and femme, with all its wonderful deconstructions of mainstream heteronormative culture.

It is my Christmas wish that the Lesbian Exclusivist Tower is torn down before we open the new chapter in history that is 2018. Out of everything the LGBTQ+ community has to worry about already, petty infighting shouldn’t be entertained—especially when its historical foundation is so flimsy. Queering gender norms has always been the heart of butch/femme expression, and that belongs to all of us.

#lesbian #butch #femme #bi-#queer history #fenpost #wlw #sapphic #also #nlw #cause the author is a nb lesbian

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glenngaylord · 6 years ago

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BLACK MIRROR - My Review of US (4 Stars)

Typically first-time directors have so much to say, they try to cram it all into their debuts. Look to VOX LUX, BLINDSPOTTING, and SORRY TO BOTHER YOU for recent examples. Look to TEEN SPIRIT as an outlier in this case. With GET OUT, writer/director Jordan Peele told a streamlined story about race under the guise of a horror movie. Despite its thematic complexity, it had sharp control and easily comprehensible plot progressions.

Peele is doing things backwards. His latest film, US, which aims a blowtorch at the class system in America, has that packed-in, overreaching 1st-timer quality. It may descend into silliness at times and feel like a jumble of tones, but it’s also unforgettable, thrilling, funny, brilliantly shot, edited, scored, and performed, and acts as a primal scream for the have-nots who often don’t have a means to shout on their own. I’ll take that any day over an unambitious, hand-held, lazy, navel-gazer of a film. Despite it being about a black family, the themes of US transcend race and finds a different subject to explore the differences in people.

Clearly Peele is just getting started, and already he’s established himself as a director of memorable images, of provocative subjects, and of acutely suspenseful sequences. I don’t think anyone who saw GET OUT will soon forget what happens when Catherine Keener stirs her tea, and with US, I’d be hard-pressed to think of a single scene that doesn’t achieve that same status. He has also tackled one of my favorite film genres, the home invasion thriller, and infused it with new life.

FUNNY GAMES remains my favorite of this theme, and Peele clearly has used it as a template in setting up his story. In both, a family drives to their vacation home to enjoy a nice weekend on the water when intruders stop them in their tracks. While FUNNY GAMES tackled issues of white privilege and the breakdown of decorum, US veers off into an entirely different direction. The Wilsons, father Gabe (Winston Duke), mother Adelaide (Lupita Nyong’o), son Jason (Evan Alex) and daughter Zora (Shahidi Wright Joseph) set up shop in their Santa Cruz retreat much like their counterparts did in FUNNY GAMES, but a prologue hints at something nefarious right from the start.

In 1986, the year of the infamous HANDS ACROSS AMERICA charity stunt, a young Adelaide wanders off the Santa Cruz boardwalk and right into a funhouse hall of mirrors. It’s there she encounters her doppelgänger, a traumatic event which sends a ripple effect across the span of her life. Understandably, the adult Adelaide feels great trepidation returning to this place, despite the promise of a fun time with their wealthy friends Josh and Kitty Tyler (a terrific Tim Heidecker and Elisabeth Moss). The first act vividly sets up the feeling of unease, even when father Gabe tries to break the mood with his endless Dad jokes. Duke gives a thoroughly winning performance as a nerdy patriarch who slowly learns his gender doesn’t automatically earn him the power position in the family. Alex and Joseph as the young children also have total command of the screen. You won’t soon forget the smirk on Joseph’s evil twin character anytime soon.

With Adelaide on edge, it’s not as if the invasion to come disturbs the peace, but when but when the Wilson’s red jumpsuited, golden scissors bearing alter egos appear in their driveway, it’s still a horrific jolt. The image of them suddenly scattering when Gabe threatens them with a baseball bat has to go down as one of those great movie moments right up there with such haunting images as the ALIEN uncoiling in the escape pod, the debris flying around Regan’s bedroom in THE EXORCIST, or the devil worshippers scurrying around the other side of the closet in ROSEMARY’S BABY. Peele knows his way around a jump scare, but he also possesses that rare skill of being able to craft tight sequences.

Once the invasion occurs, the film rarely stops from seeming like one long battle, chase and killing frenzy, but each scene has its own unique fizz. This is helped immeasurably by Editor Nicholas Monsour’s beautiful work, especially in a cross-cutting ballet sequence. Cinematographer Mike Gioulakis (IT FOLLOWS) clearly hasn’t made a false move yet in his career and his work here has taken him to a whole new level. He and Peele use extras in a similarly off-putting manner as Brian De Palma and his cinematographer Ralf D. Bode did in DRESSED TO KILL. Each segment of US has its own feel, from the sunny, washed-out look of its early scenes, to the inky black invasion sequence, to the haunting whites and grays of its climax. Complimenting all of these images perfectly is Composer Michael Abels, who tops his one-of-a-kind score from GET OUT with this cornucopia of memorable music cues. He has children chanting, which gave me OMEN vibes, and he has a great time reimagining I GOT 5 ON IT and GOOD VIBRATIONS, but his masterstroke is the music used in that aforementioned ballet scene. It’s generous use of bold percussive strings with a screechy violin overlay reminiscent of Britney Spears’ TOXIC felt like Bernard Herrmann on acid. It’s easily one one of the most alive, memorable scores I’ve heard in ages.

Now let’s talk about Lupita. While all of our major characters have dual roles, this film wouldn’t work as well as it does without her great performances. You’ll want to see it a second time just to navigate her choices, whether it’s the frog croak or the guttural laugh of her invader twin or Adelaide’s escalating nervous energy. It’s my first time seeing her play a modern American character, and her ferocious performance smashes the tired trope of the eternally screaming Final Girl. Her Adelaide may scream a lot, but it’s not out of fear. It’s a rage which speaks to the disparity between rich and poor in this country. It’s an open wound crying out for the poor people in the U.S. (get it?) who refuse to disappear into the woodwork anymore and who want their piece of the pie.

Peele clearly has something on his mind. Yes, with the rabbits (was Queen Anne from THE FAVOURITE going to make an appearance?), the biblical references, the charity event, the scissors, the one glove Michael Jackson references, the underground mythology, and the main thriller elements, his story gets messy. Sometimes the comic relief comes at strange times, but the scene in which each family member tries to outdo each other with their kill count is just so funny and perfect. It all leads to a powerful ending which may raise more questions than it answers, but I love a film which leads to a long discussion afterwards. Better than saying, “That was nice, but where would you like to eat?” Peele has bitten off more than he can chew, but he’s biting nonetheless. He’s got the hunger of a fresh upstart and I can’t wait to see what he tackles next. Sexuality? Government oppression? Climate change? The buffet options seem endless and I’ll sign up for the all-you-can-eat option.

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maggotmouth · 6 years ago

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hullo it nora, back for more mess. this unhinged little nightmare is cecily who i first birthed around 3 years ago and i am so excited to finally be playing her again. feral wolf girl who loves silk babydoll dresses and bubblegum but would also cut your femoral artery if she was bored. is the eptome of that “somethin dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” trope. amma crellin meets harley quinn meets addy hanlon. ( pinterest )

APP.

( nora. 22. gmt. she / her. ) it might be HER FRESHMAN year but I still think CECILY DE ROSA looks exactly like FREYA MAVOR and sometimes I think the FEMALE is actually them. Of course I’m wrong, as they’re 19 and studying THEATRE while living in FIDELIS here at Lockwood. The GEMINI can be rather PUCKISH and CANDID, but also kind of SELF-CENTRED and HYSTERICAL. Their most played song on Spotify was CELL BLOCK TANGO by CATHERINE ZETA JONES AND THE COMPANY OF CHICAGO, so I think that says a lot.

BACKGROUND.

tw death suicide murder proceed w caution

born as ‘lamia romana’ in italy to catholic parents. her father was a struggling alcoholic and incredibly depressed. when cece was 4, and her brother was 3 her father fed the gas pipe through the back of their car whilst they prepared to go on their family holiday because he knew suicide would leave his wife and children penniless so he decided the most selfless thing would be to take them with him

cecily (lamia) and her brother luc by some miracle survived the accident, but were left orphaned. they were sent to a convent where they were raised by nuns. cece was incredibly religious. it became her whole life. she was devoted to god completely, almost crazed, because in the absence of parents she transferred the need for a guider and protector onto this spiritual other evoked by her religious beliefs.

she always had a strained relationship w her brother because she believed he wasn’t as devoted to catholicism as she was. when she was 13 he claimed that god wasn’t real and that she was a freak, and in a violent rage cecily thrust a crucifix through his throat. it was completely out of character for her. she screamed until her throat went dry. eventually, when the nuns managed to tear her away from her brother’s body, she was taken to a psychiatric hospital in manhattan where she stayed for two years. driven to madness, she convinced herself that she had been possessed by the devil the moment she killed her brother, and soon she began to accept her fate, as not holy, like she had anticipated, but in fact it’s ungoldy antithesis

when she was released, she was adopted by an american distant aunt and uncle and sent to a manhattan boarding school under the new name ‘cecily de rosa’. see also: st. trinnians. lifted of any religious obligation, cecily grew wild. she delighted in acting up, cheeking her superiors, causing havoc and chaos, terrifying the other girls. sex became her weapon – she would seduce the boys from the local comprehensive and drop them like flies. to her, it was merely a game.

uses sex as a weapon, a way in which to manipulate men, having filmed sexual liasons with both a former acting coach and a TA to use for the purposes of blackmail.

her expulsion from school was threatened after she streaked the school naked and doused in pig blood, but her academic prowess was an asset to the school, so they learnt to put up with her antics. she applied for yale but didn’t get in.

she atended juliard for a year but was thrown out for indecency

theatre-wise, one of Cecily’s most commendable traits is her sheer tenacity and lack of inhibition – she is willing to do whatever it takes to climb to the top, and kick as many other people down as necessary on her way there. tthis unhinged hunger for success was evidenced when, in her breakout role, cecily played Tamora in Titus Andronicus. feeling the presentation of one of shakespeare’s most terrifying women was ‘pussy-footed’ and dulled down for a male audience, cecily took matters into her own hands, and during the famous banquet scene where Tamora is fed her own sons, she ate a pig’s heart live on stage – receiving both awestruck and horrified press reviews for her performance -- and getting expelled from her drama school. (thats why she is now at lockwood)

she is in a sorority house n the gymnastic squad. she speaks fluently in four languages. the kind f sociopathic lana del rey writes songs about.

was raised Roman Catholic, and although she is now estranged from religion, it’s still an integral part of her identity. She holds it partially responsible for the need to repress emotion she still experiences. The only time she allows herself to truly feel, without perceiving it as a weakness, is when she’s performing

cecily was raised with dual-nationality and is multi-lingual. Her parents frequently spoke both Italian and English around the house, leading cecily to do the same. She is also somewhat familiar with Latin, having studied it alongside Literature, Contemporary Dance and Theatre at a manhattan-based performing arts boarding school.

ethereal wood elf. plays flute and does ballet. her favourite tv shows are making a murderer and dance moms. she is big on Tchaikovsky and Bukowski. poetry to cecily is soup of the soul, despite the fact that the only things she really feels are apathy and mild disgust. her poems mostly centre around the beauty of violence -- writing about it often prevents her from committing violent acts -- and also her cat.

loves gettin fucked up. always high on sometin -- cocaine, ecstasy, love, her own ego.

had her first taste of alcohol at 15 and has stayed fond of spirits ever since. likes literature of the macabre, isn’t fond of social media, and loves knee high socks and glitter. she bites her nails, will only take cold showers, and doesn’t drink coffee. loves cats. is vegan.

she sleeps like a cat, regularly but short amounts of time, and is usually found awake at night stalking the streets in the pursuit of self-destruction. she views herself as pansexual because she is attracted to people rather than genders but she thinks men are trash. probably biromantic or homoromantic. she loves the chase. she likes meaningless sexual liasons, but if hearts are broken in the process, even better. hearts are breakable and she believes those who have them are foolish.

aesthetic: peroxide hair in a bathtub, bleach, glittery socks under spaghetti strap heels, silk slip dresses, glitter smeared beneath eyes, split knuckles, nose bleeds, a bubble of blue gum snapped against cherry flavoured lips, orange peel, knee-high socks, tartan two-piece skirt and blazers, kate moss posters ripped out of vogue, littering a bedroom wall, yearbook photos tacked together with red thread, clip in highlights, stick on earrings, french music humming from a crackly gramophone, a hip flask covered with hello kitty stickers

PLOTS.

i currently have NO PLOTS for her so everything is open. if you want a cousin / ex-lover / friend with benefits / bully, or are dying for a specific connection, let me know or like this post and i will msg you!! LOVE U ALL xoxo

more plots all of these are plagiarised:

“you were drunk and you climbed in through my apartment window and I’m not really sure how you managed it because not only is the fire escape broken but you are really fucking plastered wtf please, teach me your skills?”

“i set your kitchen on fire ‘by accident’ because i hate your guts, and you know it was me but you have no evidence”

“we’re in a breakfast club style all day detention”

“you came over for ‘help studying’ and my roommate came home five minutes after we were done hooking up and you got roped into a conversation about her dogs and everyone is uncomfortable”

“we’re friends but it’s a really toxic relationship made up of trying to one up each other all the time”

“I caught you writing gay porn in the library and now you’re terrified i’ll tell everyone, but really i’m just waiting for the next instalment”

“i asked you to help me sneak my cat into my dorm but we got caught by the janitor and now we’re both in the principal’s office”

“you saw me come back to my apartment covered in blood one night, but you’ve never asked about it because you’re scared that yours might be the next blood i’m covered in”

“you broke into my apartment while I was out for whatever reason and when I came home I knocked you out and now you’re unconscious on my floor and idk what to do?”

“i just decked you in the face because i’m drunk and you were pissing me off but ow my hand really fucking hurts i think i might have broke it and oh look your nose is bleeding and now we’re both sitting awkwardly in the hospital while i glare at you from across the room. but wait are you giving me sex eyes?? stop that i’m supposed to mad at you??”

“you keep dragging suspicious sacks up to and down from your apartment and I don’t know what your deal is or why I still wanna bone you”

“we’re in the same rocky horror troupe”

“i stayed over at your house and woke you up in the middle of the night to have sex while your roommate is asleep and every time, your room mate yells “STOP FUCKING, JESUS CHRIST” right when we’re about to finish”

“we used to have a thing but now we hate each others guts and can’t be in the same room without yelling at one another”

“i had a drunk one night stand with your brother last year and i threw up in your room, and now we’re in a class together and it’s really awkward.”

#tw:intro #tldr - crazy bitch like 4 plots

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mst3kproject · 7 years ago

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514: Teenage Strangler

Oh, boy, I get to talk about serial killers!

That isn't even sarcasm. Remember I mentioned my addiction to terrible television? That includes not only MonsterQuest and Ghost Adventures, but also a number of things on ID (investigate!). I'm going to enjoy this very much.

Twenty-something 'teenager' Betty sneaks out of the house to see her boyfriend Jimmy with help from their mutual friend Anne. On the way home, the two girls get separated and Anne is murdered by a figure in a leather jacket suspiciously like the ones Jimmy and his friends wear! This isn't the first such murder, and it won't be the last. Over the next few weeks more and more bodies are discovered... is it one of the kids? No, of course it's not. It's obvious from the very first scene that it's Mr. Wilson the fucking creepy school janitor, and he has a totally rubbish explanation for why strangling women fills the void where his soul should be.

The movie was made in a small town by a bunch of people who had never made a movie before, and as a result the whole thing has a weird, histrionic vibe to it. Every performance is either overdone or underdone. Jo Canterbury as Betty sounds breathless and hysterical even before she witnesses a murder. Bill Bloom as Jimmy is furious about everything. Betty's mother is unaccountably delighted by the police in her house. Jimmy's father intones every line as if he's doing Shakespeare. The sheriff looks like he's reading his lines with a gun pointed at his head. And then there's Mikey... I'm not sure English has the vocabulary to describe Mikey. Imagine a kid so withdrawn and socially dysfunctional that not even Napoleon Dynamite would hang out with him. Then make him more so.

The movie tries its best to present us with suspects. Jimmy's anger and supposed criminal past makes him the obvious one, and when it turns out Mikey was the bike theif we're supposed to wonder if he is our pubescent DeSalvo. When neither of them prove to be the suspect, we're next offered Curly, leader of the Fastbacks drag racing team. All of these, however, are obvious red herrings. The janitor is the only adult with a significant role in the story besides the cops – we know it's not any of them, therefore it has to be the janitor. We would be sure of this even if his first appearance wasn't popping out of the darkness to scare Anne and Betty half to death and then creepily insisting on walking them home. If you lined up everybody in this movie and asked people to pick which one is a serial killer, nobody would hesitate. It's the janitor.

Meanwhile, there's very little evidence that the town at large cares about the series of horrific murders going on. Kids are having a party with live entertainment in the malt shop the day after Anne's death hits the headlines (the malt shop extras probably look back at this movie and feel personally responsible for stereotypes about white people and dancing). People don't even bother to start locking their doors. There's no sense of the pervasive 'who will be next?' terror you might expect in a community being stalked by a serial killer. Betty's parents tell her to stay home, but only because they don't want her hanging out with Jimmy, not because they're afraid the killer will find her.

The girl who gets up to sing Yipes Stripes actually looks a bit like Betty, so if you're not paying attention it's possible to confuse the two. This may leave the casual viewer wondering why the hell this girl is literally dancing on tables mere hours after watching her friend get brutalized in an alley. It feels downright surreal and it was a relief to know I'd merely confused the two characters... but then I realized that we were never going to see the singer again and there was no point to the song! In I Accuse my Parents the songs were part of the story. In The Giant Gila Monster Chase was a character as well as providing the soundtrack. Yipes Stripes, much like California Lady, just kind of happens and then it's over.

Sampo on Satellite of Love News noted that Yipes Stripes is a hell of an earworm. I concur: I was singing it to myself all week after watching the movie for this review (and now you will be too). I have to say, though, that despite all Tom Servo's complaining I do like how the same tune in a minor key is used as the ominous stalking theme. It unifies the soundtrack and represents a note of professionalism this movie otherwise would not have.

There's certainly not much professionalism in the sets. The high school stuff seems to have been filmed mostly in and around a real school, and various people's houses make appearances, but check out the 'holding cell' the gang is kept in, with its cardboard walls painted in a 'brick' pattern. Or the 'malt shop', which looks like somebody's basement bar – I especially like the sad little pennants pinned to the walls in the effort to distract from the lack of windows. The Sheriff (played by the town of Huntington's actual sheriff, which is possibly why the guy looks like a deer in the headlights) makes his TV broadcast in front of a set of curtains standing in for a TV studio.

Between the amateurish sets and acting, the flat and uninteresting lighting and the lack of any suspense, the overall effect we get is that we're watching a school play. It just happens to be a play about a serial killer for some reason. So with that convenient segue, let's talk about our culprit, Mr. Wilson the janitor, and why his excuse that he kills for revenge against the girl who ruined his life is almost certainly bullshit!

Mr. Wilson is a very good fit to the standard profile of a serial killer: he's a middle-aged white male in a job that he feels is beneath his talents, and he murders vulnerable members of the gender he is attracted to – in this case, women and girls walking alone at night. He is what the FBI calls an organized killer: his job at the school gives him ample time to observe and stalk the students and female teachers who are his victims, and he puts some thought into how he will avoid capture and see that the blame falls on somebody else, as illustrated by his theft of the Fastback jacket. And he leaves the bodies in places that ensure swift discovery, so he can enjoy the shock and horror of the community and feel like he has power over all these people.

Also like many real-life serial killers, he has a rationalization for why he does what he does. Sutcliffe claimed he murdered prostitutes because god had told him to. Ramirez and Berkowitz blamed Satan. Bundy at least implied that it was revenge on a woman who had spurned him, while Gacy insisted that he killed over thirty teenage boys in self-defense. In Mr. Wilson's case, it's about the lack of respect the students have for him, and particularly about a girl who ruined his life by accusing him of sexual harrassment.

This rings false, for starters, because the students never seem to be particularly disrespectful of Mr. Wilson. He is not presented as the butt of jokes or pranks. In the opening scene, Betty and Anne are startled by his appearance but they are not rude to him. When he corners Betty at the climax he taunts her for calling him 'Mr. Wilson' as if this is something new, but throughout the movie we have never heard the students address him as anything else! Mr. Wilson's persecution by the student body seems to exist mostly in his own imagination.

Then there's his claim of the false accusation that cost him his teaching job. Of course we only hear his side of this, which is probably coloured by his victim complex. We never meet the girl it happened to, so we can't get her version, but Mr. Wilson's choice of phrase when telling the story is interesting. I wasn't even near her, he says. There are plenty of ways to sexually harrass somebody without actually touching them, and a teacher would be in an excellent position to take advantage of these. Perhaps Mr. Wilson made embarrassing remarks to her in front of the class, or wrote inappropriate things on her test papers. Maybe she accused him of attempted rape because her parents and the principal kept downplaying or ignoring complaints about his actual behaviour. Whatever happened, I'm willing to bet this mysterious student would tell a very different story than he does!

The movie ends with Mr. Wilson being shot by the police, who had only just arrived and couldn't possibly have any idea what was going on in his office. It's an ending that fails to be worthy of Colman Francis only because the shooter isn't in an airplane. You'd think they could throw the audience a bone by having a line about how they'd suspected him all along or something.

I've probably made it sound like I don't like Teenage Strangler, but that's not the case. The movie is something like Teenagers from Outer Space in that its ambition far outstrips the budget and talent attached to the project, but everybody gave it their best and you can't say their hearts weren't in it. It sucks, but it sucks with sincerity, and that's my favourite kind of bad movie.

#mst3k #reviews #teenage strangler #tw: rape #60s

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biofunmy · 6 years ago

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Herrick Vs. Grindr Is A Section 230 Case That Could Change The Internet As We Know It

At the peak of the abuse Matthew Herrick suffered, 16 men showed up every day at his door, each one expecting either violent and degrading sex, drugs, or both. Herrick, a 32-year-old aspiring actor living in New York City, didn’t know any of them, but the men insisted they knew him — they’d just been chatting with him on the dating app Grindr. This scenario repeated itself more than 1,000 times between October 2016 and March 2017.

Herrick had deactivated his account and deleted the Grindr app from his phone in late 2015 when he’d started dating a man referred to in court documents as J.C., whom he’d met on the app. The two broke up in fall 2016. Soon after, according to court filings, J.C. began stalking Herrick and created fake profiles on Grindr impersonating Herrick and using screen names like “Raw Pig Bottom” and “Gang Bang Now!�� The profiles falsely claimed Herrick was HIV-positive, interested in unprotected sex and bondage, and that he was “Looking for a group of hung tops to come over and destroy my ass.” Through Grindr, Herrick says J.C. directed these men to his apartment or workplace, creating a world of chaos for him on a daily basis.

“It was a horror film,” Herrick told BuzzFeed News in an interview. “It’s just like a constant Groundhog Day, but in the most horrible way you can imagine. It was like an episode of Black Mirror.”

Protective orders and police reports against J.C. failed to stop the torrent of harassment. Herrick, his friends, and lawyers submitted 100 complaints to Grindr asking it to block J.C., but they received no response. Eventually, Herrick took Grindr to court in an attempt to force it to do something to stop the nightmare. Grindr argued that under federal law, it didn’t have to help Herrick, and in February 2017, a federal judge agreed.

Now Herrick’s lawyers are arguing that the judge got it wrong. On Monday, they took their case before the US Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit, whose decision could have far-reaching consequences on what apps and social media companies must do to combat harassment on their platforms. At the heart of the dispute is how much protection a 1996 law — Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act — gives a website or app against liability for atrocious acts committed on its platform by users. It’s the law that protects Twitter from being sued for controversial tweets, and guards against Yelp being taken to court over negative restaurant reviews by users. But a growing coalition of consumer protection groups and advocates for victims of intimate partner violence say Section 230 gives companies an incentive to turn a blind eye to abuse.

The case represents a stark division between lawyers sounding an alarm over domestic abusers increasingly using smartphones and online services to track and harass their partners, and digital rights groups who fear the erosion of free speech online.

J.C. was arrested on Oct. 23, 2017, and has been charged with stalking, criminal impersonation, making a false police report, and disobeying a court order. J.C.’s next hearing was scheduled for Thursday. He has pleaded not guilty and is being held on a $500,000 bond.

“The whole thing is horrible,” said Judge Dennis Jacobs, one of three judges hearing Herrick’s appeal. “But the question is, what’s the responsibility of Grindr?”

Very little, according to the judge who ruled in Grindr’s favor in 2017. “I don’t find what Grindr did to be acceptable,” US District Court Judge Valerie E. Caproni said at the time. But under Section 230, she ruled, a dating app like Grindr couldn’t be sued because one of its users harassed someone through the platform.

“It’s just like a constant Groundhog Day, but in the most horrible way you can imagine. It was like an episode of Black Mirror.”

In court Monday, Tor Ekeland, one of Herrick’s lawyers, also questioned whether Grindr had continued to track Herrick’s location even after Herrick quit using the app.

“There are too many unanswered questions in this case,” Ekeland argued in a Manhattan courtroom packed with curious law students and supporters of Herrick. Grindr’s attorneys said it was “magical and implausible” that Herrick was tracked after leaving the app.

The appeals court didn’t say when it would issue a ruling. It’s the first time it has considered Section 230 on a case involving an app, let alone one based on geolocation technology, but Grindr’s lawyers say that doesn’t change things.

“The geolocation is a neutral system,” Daniel P. Waxman, one of Grindr’s attorneys, said in court Monday. “It’s open to good users and to bad users.”

Herrick’s lawyers say this case goes beyond Section 230 because Grindr knows it has put a dangerous product on the market with no means of filtering out bad actors, even when it knows someone like J.C. is abusing the platform. Grindr could hire more people to handle complaints, identify and ban serial harassers as Twitter has, or implement technology like Facebook is using to stop revenge porn, but has decided it’s cheaper to do nothing and hide behind Section 230 for protection, they say.

“It’s almost the cost of doing business for Grindr that there are going to be some people whose lives are going to be ruined by the product,” Carrie Goldberg, one of Herrick’s attorneys, told BuzzFeed News.

Thomas Trutschel / Getty Images

Grindr did not respond to repeated requests for comment from BuzzFeed News. In a court filing, the company stated it is a “safe space” for gay, bisexual, trans, and queer people to connect, and that to provide users with flexibility and discretion on their dating and sex lives, it asks for very little information and does not verify profiles. If someone wanted to, Grindr’s lawyer said in a 2017 court hearing, they could simply keep creating new profiles tied to different email addresses and the app likely would never catch them.

Grindr’s protection of user privacy has repeatedly been called into question. Last year, a BuzzFeed News report revealed that the app had been disclosing users’ HIV status — tied to their GPS data, phone ID, and email — to two external companies. Initially, Grindr said sharing the data was standard practice in the industry, but then announced it would stop doing it, “based on the reaction — a misunderstanding of technology — to allay people’s fears.” Herrick’s attorneys also pointed in court filings to another BuzzFeed News story noting that Grindr has in the past exposed the precise locations of users, and failed to implement the simple tweak needed to fix the problem.

Two other companies say they were able to halt the harassment that Grindr says it was unable to stop in Herrick’s case. Scruff and Jack’d, both location-based chat and dating apps catering to gay and bisexual men, told BuzzFeed News they were able to weed out and stop the abuse incited by Herrick’s ex on their platforms, though to protect trade secrets, neither would provide specifics.

For Grindr to call itself a “safe space” for the gay community, Herrick said, is a “facade.”

“They create this idea of who they are and who we as the gay community want them to be, but they were never that, and they will never be that,” Herrick told BuzzFeed News. “They always will just want to print more money.”

New York City is Grindr’s biggest market in the US, where some 426,000 users are located. Unlike dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble, which only have age- and gender-based filters, Grindr displays a grid of potential dates who can be narrowed by body type, sexuality, or type — clean-cut, geek, or jock, for instance — and their proximity at that moment to other users. Exhibits filed in court include screenshots of the fake profiles of Herrick showing him pinpointed to as close as 104 feet away from interested men.

Obtained by BuzzFeed News

Some of the men who showed up to meet Herrick would not leave once he told them there had been a mistake. Some followed Herrick into the prep kitchen or bathroom at the restaurant where he worked, while others waited outside his workplace or his Manhattan apartment for a half hour or longer. Six men arrived within a few minutes of each other one day. On multiple occasions, according to Herrick’s civil complaints, men appeared to be high on drugs, verbally berated Herrick as a “lying whore,” and had to be physically thrown out when Herrick told them to leave. J.C. handed out Herrick’s phone number too, once resulting in 75 text messages from different numbers in a 24-hour period, Herrick told BuzzFeed News.

Herrick was certain J.C. was behind it. He once witnessed J.C. across the street from his apartment watching the men come and go, Herrick told BuzzFeed News. Herrick said he also received text messages from J.C. noting what Herrick was doing at that moment. Herrick filed 14 police reports and obtained a protective order prohibiting J.C. from contacting him, according to the lawsuit, but it was impossible to prove J.C. was behind the online activity without Grindr’s cooperation, and the impersonation on Grindr continued.

Sadie Diaz, a lawyer for the nonprofit Sanctuary for Families, which helps victims of domestic violence, said Herrick wasn’t interested in taking down Grindr; he just wanted his life back. “There were up to 16 people showing up at his job and home every day, bothering his roommates, expecting sex, interfering with his work, interfering with his sleep,” said Diaz, who helped Herrick obtain protection orders. “He just wanted it to stop.”

On Jan. 27, 2017, a New York state judge issued an order requiring Grindr to search for and shut down the fake profiles. Until Herrick went to court, the only responses he received from Grindr were auto-replies acknowledging receipt of his complaints, according to his lawyers.

Grindr moved the case to federal court to fight it using Section 230, setting in motion Herrick’s lawsuit against the company.

“There were up to 16 people showing up at his job and home every day, bothering his roommates, expecting sex, interfering with his work, interfering with his sleep.”

Grindr said in court that it couldn’t stop J.C. without knowing which accounts were the impersonations of Herrick. Grindr’s lawyers suggested at one point that Herrick should ask the men approaching him to see their phones so he could flag the fake profiles, Goldberg told BuzzFeed News.

Some cyberlaw experts fear a ruling against Grindr will put the creativity of the internet as we know it at risk. They say that requiring platforms to more closely monitor users would give an advantage to tech giants like Facebook, Twitter, and Google while hindering smaller startups with niche audiences, including Grindr. It would be more expensive to start new businesses online because of the cost of hiring watchdogs, said Jennifer Granick, surveillance and cybersecurity counsel at the American Civil Liberties Union.

“As bad as this [case] is, the principle behind Section 230 — which is, ‘let people be liable for their own speech’ — is the reason we are able to use the internet as this incredible platform for free speech and creativity today,” Granick told BuzzFeed News.

It would be a mistake to conflate a platform’s ethical duty — whether Grindr should have done more to take down harassing content after it was flagged — with whether the company should bear financial liability, said Lisa Hayes, general counsel for the nonprofit Center of Democracy and Technology.

“What we’re grappling with,” Hayes said, “is that the internet is now being used to showcase the worst of people. … But there’s a real risk to the internet economy if 230 is weakened.”

But the Electronic Privacy Information Center, which split from other digital rights groups and filed an amicus brief in support of Herrick, sees a different kind of privacy violation in this case — the unauthorized disclosure of Herrick’s address, phone number, and photos. Grindr might have had to dive deeper into personal data to identify and block Herrick’s harasser, but “if there’s immunity for platforms, then an individual cannot seek any recourse at all,” said Alan Butler, a lawyer for EPIC.

Once the case landed in federal court, news outlets started covering it, and Herrick said he soon began to see how many more people were in similar predicaments, seemingly without options.

“When this all started I got hundreds of emails and messages on Facebook and on Instagram,” Herrick said. “People who were telling me their own story, people who were asking me what they should do. I think it opened doors for people. For a long time, I would ask myself, I’m a 32-year-old man, how am I a victim of this, how is this happening to me? And in those words alone there is so much blame and embarrassment in it.”

Zachary Ares / BuzzFeed News

A majority of intimate partner violence cases now involve some form of harassment through technology, according to domestic abuse shelters and victims advocates. One recent survey of teens found victims of digital harassment are likely to be physically abused or experience sexual coercion.

Congress signed Section 230 into law with an expectation that tech companies will act morally responsibly when presented with abuse of their platforms, experts told BuzzFeed News. Diaz said clients of Sanctuary for Families have had similar experiences with impersonation on Facebook, for example, but they were able to work with the social media giant to address the problem.

“Some tech companies are doing the right thing and some are not,” Diaz said. “The problem with 230 is that the ones who are not have no profit motivation to take any action to prevent their platform from being used for abuse.”

The other two dating apps for gay, bisexual, and transgender men that assisted Herrick portrayed it as an easy call. Mark Girolamo, CEO of Jack’d, said, “we are happy that we were able to stop the harassment experienced by Mr. Herrick.”

Eric Silverberg, the cofounder and CEO of Scruff, said an algorithm deployed by the app looks for signals — for example, hypothetically, the quantity of messages sent from one account, certain words in a message, or the location of a profile — then weighs each of them and evaluates whether to take automated action or alert the team to investigate suspicious activity. The process of solving the problem in Herrick’s situation was “not a hard or sophisticated” one, he said.

“Once we were notified of this by the victim, we did an investigation, understood the pattern, and we permanently suspended the perpetrator and his device,” Silverberg told BuzzFeed News.

“If you’re a platform for strangers to meet, you have to apply some baseline of moderation or it will become abuse, as we’ve seen in this case,” Silverberg said. “People can be hurtful to one another, especially when love and romance is part of the equation, and it ends.”

“If you’re a platform for strangers to meet, you have to apply some baseline of moderation or it will become abuse.”

Eric Goldman, a Santa Clara University professor who studies internet law, pointed out that it is never in Grindr’s business interest to ignore abuse on its platform, but that legally compelling Grindr to apply a tech solution might be an even more pernicious alternative. Grindr could end up over-censoring content or surveilling its platform more broadly, and “might end up distorting the marketplace in a way that ends up making us all worse off,” Goldman said. He called Herrick’s lawsuit “an easy Section 230 case.”

Waxman, Grindr’s lawyer, made a similar argument in court Monday, saying that the company didn’t create any of the content and that no one would be there if it weren’t for J.C.

Herrick moved to California a couple months after J.C. was indicted. Coming back for the oral argument in the appeals court was the first time he’d set foot in New York in a year. Even though J.C. is behind bars, Herrick still gets a weird feeling that he could be near. Little things sometimes startle him, like getting a text message from an unknown number.

“I have no idea how I made it through,” Herrick said, but by the time he had to decide whether to file an appeal, he had little hesitation.

“I have a vested interest in this now, not necessarily for myself, but for other people who don’t have a voice in all of this, who are suffering and don’t know what to do,” Herrick told BuzzFeed News. “We have an opportunity to really have people take a look at these laws and these companies and set a precedent that could finally make these companies take action.” ●

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rep5 · 7 years ago

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How Childish Gambino Attacks Symbolism in 4 Ways

Childish Gambino, aka Donald Glover, is an artist that cannot be categorized into one thing. He cemented his career as a writer on the early years of 30 Rock. He has shown off his comedy skills with the show Community and his stand ups. Now with the coming release of “Solo: A Star Wars Story” he will have left his mark in the acting world as well. Oh yeah! He’s also one of the most talented rappers of this generation.

Using a style he calls “Black Rock”, Childish Gambino’s lyrics cover race, gender, sexuality, and more. Through this his rap career has soared but in recent years, due to his juggling of crafts, he’s been a little absent from the rap world in recent years. With his SNL live performance of “Saturday” and “This Is America” he has come back full swing, especially with the music video of the latter.

“This Is America” has blown up on social media. The symbolism in the video and the lyrics of the song have have got many posting, reposting, and commenting on what it all means. However, the symbolism goes a little further than just the lyrics and the visuals. Childish Gambino actually attacks symbolism in 4 ways. Let’s break it down.

youtube

Beat

Commonly the first, sometimes second, thing to be created in a song the beat hold symbolism. In the new track opens with a choir vocalized noises accompanied by a shaker. It’s quite reminiscent of “We Know The Way” from Disney’s Moana, both giving a sense of happiness and family friendly partying.

This is later stacked first with a guitar then once the beat and trill moves in it starts to morph into a trap beat. Then with an abrupt gun shot the chorus that kept the song family friendly is deafly silent. Only the trap beat continues with a recurring eery trill that brings to mind an insect tunneling into a skull (at least for me). This beat continues for awhile until the defining tone, similar to that of a horror film, slowly build and brings back the happy choir while dropping the scary tone. Once more it disappears leaving the trap beat until finally it returns this time the tone remains and the choirs vocals are chopped.

via: noise11

From a musical stand point you can see a story of happiness being unexpectedly stopped. The chaos preceding runs ramped and once things become to get worse happiness returns. However, the happiness is fleeting and upon its second rising it is not whole and not without signs of worsening.

When considering the title of the song the beat alone can express the social rise and fall of America. It can be seen to symbolize a number of downfalls that the country has faced both economically and socially. It’s when you consider more of the song that you get a clearer picture.

Style

Childish Gambino’s rap style is eclectic. Like is career it can’t be classified as one thing. It is a collectection of conscious social issues spat in his own comical way, but the way in which he does so can be compared to Kanye West as much as Andre 3000.

However in “This is America” his style is more reminiscent to the current rappers. His excessive use of rap ad-libs (from featured artists 21 Savage, Young Thug, Slim Jxmmi, Blocboy JB, and Quavo) like “yeah” and “woo” cement the comparison to artists artists like Lil (fill-in-blank), Migos, and more who are dominating the Billboard Top 100. Though he does claim to be influenced by some of those artists and has released other tracks using the style it seems a little convenient in this track.

I’ll talk about the lyrics later but the song is basically an exaggerated look at the current conditions of American violence, stereotypes, and society as whole. What better way is there to make a critique on the matter than giving an example? He is essentially representing today’s society by example. This is true for not only the style but the trap beat he’s using as well.

youtube

Lyrics

Now for the meat of the matter, the lyrics. In the intro the choir is repetitively singing “yeah, yeah, yeah, go, go, away” which is later accompanied by Childish and Young Gun singing how they want to dance, party, and make money for you. Many have mentioned that this intro can symbolize how black men have to become palatable to white consumers in order to gain fame and money. While this may be true I’m more concerned that this chorus only being in the intro. It seems like an origin story of a man trying to leave the situation he was born in with the support of his community by perpetuating the dance, party, and making money mind-set for said community.

The chorus of the song is seemingly simple. It resonates the topic of the current America. He warns listeners to be careful while boasting about his efforts.

It actually seems to simple to overlook when considering the rest of the song, particularly the boasting. Especially when examining the other recurring chorus “get your money, black man, get your black man.” While this chorus gives reason to the boasting and constant need to continue striving for more, it also amplifies the racially charged intent of the song. The repetitive line which gets chopped into “get your, black man” can also be a foreshadow for the outro. It basically adds an appendix to the topic of the song, This is America – for the black man.

via: reddit

The first verse reflects the rise of class by his statement “look where I’m living now” while simultaneously expressing the rise of police brutality, gun violence, and continues the theme of trying rise a class higher.

Verse 2 has a pretty hidden meaning. I actually wouldn’t of found it if it weren’t for some deep research. The line is shrouded with talk about Gucci, dancing, drug deals, and hired guns but goes, “this is celly (ha), thats a tool (yeah).” This is said to refer to the shooting of Stephon Clark in his backyard while holding his cellphone which the police thought was a gun in March 18 2018.

Not many songs have intros and outros with lyrics but Gambino decided to add both in this track. While the intro can symbolize black men becoming palatable for society or a man escaping his reality by becoming palatable the outro marginalizes black men. As foreshadowed in the chorus, it compares them to both products that can be gotten and a dog trapped in the backyard. This Is America for black men.

via: indiewire

Visuals

It’s time for a quick review of what everyone has been talking about, the music video. There are tons of reviews about the symbolism from the Jim Crow-esque posted above, the burning police car that reflects the BlackLivesMatter conflicts, to the white horse of death symbolizing the apocalypse. But this article has already gotten longer than I expected so I’m going to make a lightning round of all the most interesting bits that makes the video genius.

When talking about the lyrics of the song I mentioned how the intro and outro of the song told a story about a black man partying and dancing for his community but still being seen as property. Throughout the music video Childish Gambino is literarily partying and dancing as a distraction for the deeper issues the lyrics talked about in the background of the video. This can represent the distraction of social media in a steadily increasingly violent world, the overexcitement of mundanity such as dancing over social issues, or the pressure of black men and women to perform and ignore issues facing their culture. I mean I didn’t see the guy falling from the window or the white horse on my first watch of the video. He genuinely distracted me from so much.

The perpetuation of recent historical violence is constant in this video. There’s the lyrical reference of Stephon Clark mentioned above which coincides visually with a camera pan over black men the chaos on their phones. There’s the choir shooting that refers to the Charleston Church 2015 shooting which can also express the weariness of a black man constantly “performing” for society while remaining spiritual, and even Trayvon Martin’s father look-a-like playing the guitar before getting shot, which shook the same hypocritical fan that sings along to violence. Those are all powerful pieces of symbolism but look at that video and notice the attentive care used for each weapon.

Both the handgun that kills the guitar player and the machine gun used on the choir are taken, placed in what looks like a red silk cloth, and carefully carried away. The guitarist’s body however was just dragged away. Later in the video through the chaos in the background you can see a body falling along with other acts of violence that are completely ignored and brushed aside. This expressed care for guns and disregard for life resonates more as a reflection of society.

twitter.com/thelocalemo/status/993410712407076864

It’s getting long again so here’s the last one. The ending scene corresponding with the outro shows Gambino running in the dark, away from many Caucasians (white people). Isn’t it a little too reminiscent from the running scene in Get Out? If you’re unfamiliar with Get Out it’s the Jordan Peele horror movie that reflects a form of modern day social slavery that features Childish Gambino’s Redbone track. Whether its homage to film or using it as motif it amazingly matches with the outro’s explaination of the black man as a product and trapped dog.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SAp4gJwhNI0

Symbolism

Most artists use symbolism in lyrics and visuals but not many do it in such detail. Childish Gambino does this and more with every aspect of this song. In all 4 aspects of the song he manages to both hide and reveal the truth of the dangers of American violence and stereotypes. It attacks symbolism on every level and may be the best music video of the decade.

Did you find any symbolism not listed?? Let us know in the comments

Sources: theguardian, genius, thefader, bostonglobe,

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benwade95 · 7 years ago

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i changed all the real names for fake names. this is what happened in second half 2012/ first half of 2013.

http://perfectbenz0.tumblr.com/post/58778147108/perfect-song

lexi was the most incredible girl i've ever met. she was almost my first love, she wasn't my first indeed because she didn't let me love her. we could've been something, but we weren't because suddenly, without explanation, se disappears of my life. but I'll tell you something curious, i wasn't; sad or brokenhearted...everyone who knew lexi would expect this from her.

she was so unique, she had the spirit of freedom. She had a light golden hair that matched with her hazel eyes, that were pure glow. She was so...her own. she used to tell she wanted to travel the world, and i don't doubt she is doing that nowadays. however she knew how to appreciate the little things of life, and I am so grateful she showed me that.

she liked to go to concerts of bands that no one has ever heard about, neither she. i guess the idea of sitting at a table in a corner of the bar alone was something appealing to her. and sometimes, early morning, she used to like to walk around the city, in silence, alone. at the time that no store was open and there were few people in the street. no music, just the sound of the great big portland. but she just liked to do that sometimes.

How I was saying, she knew how to appreciate the little things of life. When it is snowing, she just stop for a moment to appreciate every snowflake dropping from the sky and falling in her black coat from the north face, or falling right over her tiny reddish nose. When it was raining she became that one person who would jump in the puddles and get all her clothes wet, but she didn't care . lexi was too cool to care. I can't tell you what she used to do when the sun was shinning bright or when the flowers were growing, because, how I said, I didn't had much time with her.

Lexi was too cool for me, for everyone. the bad thing is that no one really noticed that. She appeared at school when I was at the middle of my junior year for the second time (yup i had to do my junior year two times because i used to suck in biology and other subjects). It was January and we had just came back from the winter break. We were at lab class and my partner was expelled so I was alone, lucky I was that she just entered at school and was going to be my partner. At first I didn't care, she wasn't hot or popular. She was cute, just cute. And I was hooking with jolie prinstson, a third year girl cheerleader.

jolie was half french, her grandparents were from France, so that's why the name.

So everything starts there, me and Lexi, biology lab partners.

We agreed to meet at cafe t', a café near our school that was more expensive than starbucks. She arrived there first, and when I saw her I knew there was something about her that was different of the other girls. She wasn't trying too hard, she wasn't even trying. She wasn't super flirty, or trying to be someone else to impress a guy or beeing slutty and stuff. She was just beeing Lexi.

When I arrived at that café, there she was. Sitted in a table on the corner of the restaurant reading a book. Harry Potter, what a clichê. With her messy bun, green-army jacket and round classes, she smiled at me and then she drinked her black coffe.

We obviously didn't make our work, we talked. talked and talked for hours and hours. That moment it was the one I knew I feel. She was so ambitous and talked passionately about travelling. She told me her mom's job requires her to move frequently. She has lived all around the world. she has a love-hate relationship with moving countries all the time.

first complaint; her mom always had new boyfriends and she hates that. she keeps in touch with her dad, that is from florida, her mom completely hated her dad, so their parents wouldn't; even talk. they met at college and her dad was an artist, and they really never dated but had lexi accidentally. after a few years trying to live together they had these huge fight and they now hate each other.

second complaint; she has an awful relationship with her mom, that kinda doesn't give a shit to her. she wanted to live with her dad but he isn't financially able to live with her, and also her mom doesn't let her.

She told when she lived at Australia, Perth more specifically. It was the first placed she moved in, she was five and didn't remember much. Than, at ten years old, there she went to South Africa, Cape town. And the city is pretty normal actually, people shouldn't get stuck into stereotypes, it's bullshit. Yeah, she met an elephant and a lion, that was named simba by the way, like the disney movie. And than between her mid thirteen and fifthteen she lived through europe. Manchester, Oslo, Barcelona, a city in France that I forgot the name, Amsterdam. Near her sixteenth birthday they moved back to USA. Than she lived one year in Boston, six months in New York City and than, there she was, here in Portland.

This whole thing of moving cities sounds exciting, but not for me. For her. And her australian-south african-little bit american accent she had , although she is American. She was born and raised until 5 years old in Tampa, Florida. Right now she is somewhere in the world, she constantly changes her number and she doesn't have facebook or twitter. I should try to find her on Instagram, but she probably uses a different name as her username.

I wasn't really into politics and this kind of stuff, even thought I am part of the LGBT community, I didn't really cared at all. She showed me that I had to care, that I had to fight for my right just like she fought for hers. She was so independent and used to talk about feminism in a really passioned way. I was always a really chill guy about stuff like equal rights, but the thing, quoting her: "it isn't effective if you are chill about it, you must do something." And she was right, she did something. She would go to that women's march and she really fought for equal rights, for every gender. She made me a better person.

So, after two months of talking about travelling and politics and don't doing the biology project, we finally agreed to come to my house and do the biology project. And we didn't do it, again. But this time was different, she was worried. She was kind of sad, and i asked what was the matter and she told she wasn't feeling well. I dropped her home and that was it. The next day she appeard at school, kinda depressed. And then, the other day she didn't appeard at school, and the following day too and the other one. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts, I tried to talked to a friend of hers but she didn't know about lexi. I was freaking worried, so I went to her house. One of her mom's opened the door and went talked to her.

"Sweetie, there is a friend of yours that came to visit"

"I don't want any visits"

So there was I, entering at her room. She was at her bed, with her purple pajamas. Adorable. Looking at her eyes I could't see that Lexi anymore, the strong independent empowering ambitious women. She was depressed.

"I was worried about you, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"There is something going on."

"I know, but it it bullshit."

"Lexi, we all go through hard times and it gets better when we have friends to help us."

"I know"

"You probably heard something about me in this school. About me being gay or stuff."

"Actually I heard something about you hooking up with some other boy and something like that."

"Let me explain you this-"

"You don't need to explain me nothing. It's high school, people talk shit all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I want you to know."

"Go ahead."

"So, it was last year's summer that this happened. I was kinda questioning myself about my sexuality but i kept it a secret. I was really insecure, still am. I had friends, but not actual friends. Like the real ones who would be there for you in any circunstantes. That made the situation worst. I was really into boys, like seriously into. A sixteen years old guy is like, super horny and have you seen zac efron shirtless in high school musical?" She laughed. "But girls were still hot as well. The thing is...hmm..Do you know Dylan, school team quarterback, a senior?"

"Yeah, he is hot, but looks like an asshole."

"He is. So Dylan's grandparents have a house in Eugene and Dylan's had some friends at the University of Oregon Campus. So we went to a party and hooked up with a guy in front of everyone. I was a bit drunk, and it was a pretty bad way to almost having sex; a random guy called Isaac. Anyways, back to school and everybody was talking about me hooking up with a guy. And my friends weren't the same, they were like no homo all time and calling me gay all time. I still don't get the calling me gay thing, I think they were trying to insult me. I told them Iam bi, but they still didn't listen to me. The only guy at the football team that was listening to me was Tyler. That's how we became friends. People still don't listen to me , and everytime I try to hookup with a girl from school they always ask me If I was gay, and there I go, explaining my sexuality to everyone. That's how fucked up the world is."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having shitty friends."

We were in silence for about five minutes and than I left. It was April and I still didn't understand why did Lexi was kinda of weird for the past months. Now she was okay again, the same happy, euforic Lexi. And we finally had to do our Biology work, so we met at her house, on friday.

I was still having this thing with Jolie, the cheerleader. It was my dumb way to prove to my fake third year friends I was somehow straight, I hadn't hooked up with boys since the incident. Maybe I had with one at winter break, but no one knows. So shhh.

He was lovely, with light brownish hair and some curls. We spent our Christmas at a ski station, Timberline. Fun Fact, they filmed a horror movie called The Shinning there. So I met this guy when my snowboard got stuck and I could't move, so he helped me. We became friends, he kissed me first, and we were a thing through 2 weeks. He was from Canada, he knew French and it was kinda sexy when he talked in french. okay, maybe i just realized i have a thing for people who have any relation with france. We were the same age but I was taller. I should have almost-lose my virginity to him, not the Frat guy that i don't even know the last name.

Anyways, my thing with jolie was still up, but nothing serious, for both sides. We were friends and she was a really cool girl, sometimes she would make a stupid observation, but she was still nice. She used to hook up with Ryan blunt , the captain of the Lacrosse team at School. Yeah, apparently Lacrosse is a thing. She was asked me If i wanted a threesome with her and Ryan, and I said no. I don't wanted and he didn't too. This was one of the stupid things jolie would say.

Back to Lexi, friday at her house. Her mom wasn't there. A boy and a girl all alone at her room. This time we actually finished the project, thanks god. So we started a conversation that leaded to some kisses. We made out for twenty minutes straight and we stopped.

"You wanna order some pizza?" She asked. She was the most random person ever. I loved it.

"Sure."

And we ordered our pizza, and we talked for a while. But the we were running out of talking.

"So, this guys from the frat house you hooked up with."

"What?"

"Was he your real first or your first time with a boy?"

"We hadn't had sex, I just blew him. I had never had real sex."

"I had a boyfriend when I lived in Oslo, Norwegian boys are my type."

"So apparently I'm not your type."

"Your not, but I like you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"We almost had sex, me and this boy. But he backed off. So I had this other boyfriend in Boston, Aroon."

"Sorry to interupt, but how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Two, you silly. It's hard to have a boyfriend If you keep moving cities all the time."

"Fair."

"So, I had my first time with Aaron. He was a sweet boy and than he broke up with me because he said I was crazy."

"Oh."

"So you had never had sex with a girl huh?" She asked.

And you know the rest of the story. Lexi had atitude.

It was Monday again and the school had announced Saddie Hawkins prom, the one girls asks guys out. Jolie came to talk to me and asked me, so I said yes. I was really surprised because I thought she was going to ask Ryan. She also asked me If I wanted to go somewhere after school with her, she was kind of upset because her grandpa had just died.

That same day Lexi came really excited and asked me If i wanted to go to prom with her. And I wanted to, but I said no. I promised Jolie I would go with her, so I explained that to Lexi. She said okay and gave me a little smile and left, I could see in her eyes she was upset.

The next day I went to cafe t' with Jolie. When I arrived there Lexi was there at the same table in the corner that I almost fell for her. She was alone, but this time not waiting for anyone, she was with the same jacket and drank a little bit of her black coffe. No sugar or anything else, coffe was coffe and it should be appreciated without any exterior things, as she said. She saw me with Jolie and Left the café.

It was prom night, I picked up Jolie at her house and she was wearing a blue dress that would look better on Lexi. It was a fun night until we left and than she got really drunk and wanted to have sex with me. Of course I didn't, it would be rape. The next monday she thanked me for not raping her (?) , and also for taking care of her. She slept at my house, she couldn't arrive that drunk in her house.

The day I refused Lexi's invitation to prom until two weeks after prom Lexi didn't talked to me. I missed her, and everytime I tried to ask her out she would say she couldn't. I knew she was lying.

She made me feel kinda bad, for real. She is probably thinking I just wanted to bang her and leave, and it wasn't that. I wanted to be with her, but she wouldn't let me.

June arrived. It was thursday and I was studying because the final tests starts on monday. It's eleven at night and something was hitting my window, I looked down to see what it was. And here we go again, it was her with a tight little black dress and some black converse.

I went downstairs quietly to meet her.

"What the fuck Lexi?"

"I think we should have some fun, it has been a long time we don't hang out."

"It's almost mid night."

"I know, and I thing you should change. Like, this pajamas are not really cool."

She was crazy, seriously, but I wouldn't breakup with her like the Aaron guy. So I changed my clothes and there we were going somewhere I had no Idea. She was driving.

After 20 minutes we arrived somewhere. At first I was bit scared, it was dark, but she was confident, just like she went there everyday. And I was right, she knew everyone at this strange tiny bar.

"'Night Mark." She said to the manager and

" What up Steve?" To the waiter

Remember when I said she used to go to local bands concerts that no one knew, this one of those. It was a classic rock band and they made some cool Guns n' roses covers.

She was fancy, I can say. She didn't drink beer or vodka, not even tequila or something. She was a champagne girl. For some reason she had quite a lot of money with her, she bought two small bottles of champagne, one for me and one for herself. I felt bad for not paying it, I know this is a sexist idea i have to get off of my mind. But I should have payed mine at least.

We went to a park near her house and got pretty drunk. I can't remember if we hooked up or not, I think we didn't. Anyways, when we sobered up a little bit she drove me house and we chatted a little bit in her car.

"Hmm...Ben." She said before I was leaving the car.

"What?"

"I want you to know something."

"What? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just want you to know that was really nice meeting you. you are an incredible person, and one day you will find a boy or a girl that will love you unconditionally, the way you deserve."

"what if i have already found that someone." i was referring to her, and she knew it.

"ben, you don't know me. "

"i don't?" i was starting to get mad at her

"nope. you just know what i letted you know, there is so much more."

"and i want to know the rest of it "

"ben, my love" she putted her arm over my shoulder. "before you think of dating me you need to know that i'm a huge mess. i have struggled with things for the past few years of my life. and there are nights i'm curled up on a ball on the floor and i won't talk to anyone. i'll shut you out, just like i did before. i'm not gonna be able to trust because everyone i knew during my life has always left or chosen someone else. i will need reassurance. i will need you. i will need you to keep choosing me. i'll need you to care when i text you saying i'm getting bad again." she takes a deep breath "i'm a lot. i know this. maybe that's why my past boyfriend broke up with me. so before you think i will be alway happy, and sometimes i will, that i will always be smiling- know the reality before you get involved. don't fall in love if you can't handled it."

and i knew i couldn't handle her, so i kept silence.

She gives me a soft kiss on my lips. "Goodbye Benjamin."

And she left.

Forever.

one of our random hangouts, 2012, we shared the drink. we asked these random french guy to take a picture of us.

#summer2013 #mystory #portland #bensonhighschool

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mikeyd1986 · 7 years ago

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 70, September 2017

On Monday morning, I had my last Healthy Cooking on a Budget class for the term at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. It was a small class again with only the 6 of us but I was more than happy about that. Generally, the larger the group, the more anxious I tend to get. Today I worked with Di and Rhonda who were both easy to get along with. It kind of felt like I was cooking in the kitchen at Grandma’s house. That’s the vibe I got from them.

Today we ended up making a pumpkin, sweet potato and sage cannelloni, which is essentially these thick tubes of pasta filled with mashed up vegetables (pumpkin, sweet potato, red onion, herbs) and covered with pasta sauce and grated cheese. We also made a panna cotta which is an Italian dessert of thickened cream with gelatin and molded. And finally we roasted a whole cauliflower in the oven and added cherry tomatoes and bay leaves.

This course has been really beneficial for me in improving my cooking skills and techniques with chopping and slicing vegetables, frying, roasting and baking as well as learning basic hygiene and working with other people in the community. It has taken me a few weeks to few comfortable and not worry so much about making mistakes or being uncertain of what I’m doing. Jodie is an incredibly patient and helpful cooking teacher which is what I needed. http://www.ballaballa.com.au/progra...

On Monday night, I attended an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. My thighs, calves, hips, glutes and groin were feeling particularly tight and sore today so this class was much needed. It didn’t take long before I could feel my knees burning either but I pushed as hard as I could on the pedals and switched up the resistance when needed. Listening to your body is really important in classes like these. Being a group class, nobody is going to criticize you if something is too much and you need to back off a little.

Tonight’s class was facilitated by instructor Claire who I’ve had in my previous RPM class. She mixed up tracks from release 60 and 76 including Rihanna’s Diamonds (Bimbo Jones vocal edit), One Republic’s If I Lose Myself, Bruno Mars’ 24K Magic and Tikki Taane’s Get Up Stand Up. The sprint sections were easily the toughest for me as my legs weren’t used to cycling that fast but thankfully there were plenty of recovery breaks and easy ride sections in between to balance things out. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Tuesday morning, I went to a Pilates Mat class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Funnily enough, it’s my first time setting foot inside the group fitness room at Casey RACE since becoming a member last year. The walls are all brightly coloured with motivational quotes (I may not be the strongest. I may not be the fastest. But I am trying my hardest), fitness related words and images of people exercising. It’s a very warm and inviting environment to be in which is exactly what I need.

Today I was thinking about how there’s been a major shift in gender stereotypes when it comes to particular exercises. For example, yoga and pilates are both female dominated whilst boxing and weight lifting are both male dominated. But in the past 5-10 years or so, those stereotypes have been broken and now it’s socially acceptable to participate in any sport or recreational activity regardless of whether you’re male or female. It’s never bothered me that much that most of my yoga and pilates classes are 95% female as I’ve always had a dominant feminine side and really it shouldn’t matter.

This morning’s class was instructed by Anita who I’ve also had previously at Casey Arc. I pretty much knew what to expect. Her classes are tough but in a good way...she really works your core muscles. We did a lot of poses and movements using the chi ball including single leg raises and lowers, mermaid, table top, arm and leg balance and wide legged forward stretch. The idea is to be as slow and controlled with your movements as possible. Whilst core strength exercises are really challenging for me, I feel like I’m steadily improving the more I do pilates classes. https://www.pilates.com/BBAPP/V/pil...

On Tuesday night, I went to a Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s unusual for me to do two group fitness classes in one day but today I felt particularly tired and unmotivated. My plans got cancelled and I needed a backup plan. It’s been a little while since I last saw my fitness instructor Cinamon Guerin but it felt really good to be back.

Tonight’s class was mainly composed of tracks from the new release, number 73, with a mixture of side punches, high knees, jab boxes, uppercuts, side and front kicks. The most challenging parts for me was the push-up and plank with side steps sequence (power training 2) and the dynamic lunges (combat 3) but I just did the best I could. Sometimes I have to force myself to slow down in order to improve and work on my technique more or just because the fatigue is kicking in. But I also feel good after a combat class because I know that I gave it my all. https://www.siphilp.com/les-mills-b...

On Wednesday morning, I had my Strength Training session at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I found myself holding back at the start of the session which was a sign that I had a lot of personal stuff to get off my chest. It takes a great deal of courage to be open and honest with people but I feel like I trust my personal trainer Luke Davey enough to go there. I mostly talked about the effect and addictive nature of social media...comparing myself to others, social isolation, jealousy, feeling inferior and boring, being mentally drained. When my plans get cancelled and I’m stuck at home, that’s when I struggle the most with my mental health.

WARM-UP...Today I started my session with the flowing yoga sequence. I tried to remember the sequence without Luke helping me and I did it. It’s one of those things where I’m used to having a visual reference such as an instructor demonstrating the movement and so I can get easily confused and forgetful doing it by myself. I then did five minutes on the balance board and could see a significant improvement with finding the even weight through my feet. I also did 3 rounds of 15 glute bridges with a 10-15kg dumbbell.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my back squats, doing 4 rounds of 3 reps at 68kg with the last round being maximum reps. I was feeling pretty good today. The biggest challenge for me was keeping my squat depth consistently low and keeping my chest lifted. But otherwise, I was really pleased with my efforts today. I managed to get 16 reps in my last round which was really big for me. I noticed that I do begin to feel nauseous and a bit light headed when I’ve pushed myself to my limits but I stuck it out with the help of Luke.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout consisted of doing 3 rounds of the following: 200m run, 15 wall balls, 10 burpee box jumps and 20 kettle bell snatches. I still hate running even though I’ve had a few months of experience at it now but I’m learning to get that technique right. I was fighting with my inner critic a lot here as I felt like a “slow runner”. I reminded myself not too be so worried about how fast I was running. Keeping a good pace is key. And really I’m not a marathon runner or a sprint athlete but I do want to get improve in this area of fitness.

My wall balls were much better than my last workout. I was catching the ball higher and into my chest and I was also focusing more on keeping a rhythm going with the squats, throws and catches. The burpee box jumps were a little challenging in the physical sense. The more fatigued I got, the harder it was for me to get up. But I gave myself a second to prepare myself for the jumps. The anxiety of tripping of the box is still there but it’s effect is nowhere near as strong as it used to be. So now I’m feeling much more confident about it.

The kettle bell snatches were a brand new movement for me so I really needed to cut myself some slack. I found it hard working out how much power I needed in the swing and when exactly I need to snatch my arm up over my head. But I did my best and just did what I could. I was fairly slow doing them but again I reminded myself that it’s not a race, take your time and focus on getting that technique right. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Wednesday night, I went out to see the IT movie at Village Cinemas Fountain Gate. Based on Stephen King’s classic 1986 novel, the film is set in Derry, Maine in 1989. The main storyline focuses on the friendships between a group of “loser” high school kids which range in personality and stereotypes. After an intense prologue involving Bill’s brother Georgie (Jackson Robert Scott), a sail boat and a sewer drain, we’re introduced to each of the kids in the “Losers Club”.

We have Bill (Jaeden Lieberher) who has an uncontrollable stutter. Beverly (Sophia Lillis) who is the high school sweetheart, has some disturbing Daddy issues and is a victim of sexual assault. Mike (Chosen Jacobs) who is forced to work in a sheep slaughterhouse. Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer) who has asthma and has to take regular medication for his condition as a hypochondriac. Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor) who is overweight, gets bullied constantly and starts off with no friends. And Henry (Nicholas Hamilton) who is the leader of a bully gang.

Derry has a dark and sinister history for children who go missing every 27 years and now it’s starting to happen again. All fingers point towards an evil clown named Pennywise The Dancing Clown (Bill Skarsgard) who hunts each of the kids down one by one with many temptations and disguises. Eventually the kids discover that working together as a team and being able to face their individual fears is the key to defeating Pennywise aka IT.

This is a horror movie with a lot of depth and substance. It is really well balanced with funny moments between the kids, references to classic 80’s music and movies, some romantic elements and of course plenty of creepy scares. I honestly believe that Stephen King would be proud of this adaptation. It far surpasses the original 1990 TV mini-series in terms of character development, pacing and horror elements. And the fact that the credits have “IT Chapter One” hints that there may be a sequel in the works that would focus on the kids as adults, 30 years later. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396484...

On Thursday morning, I went to the morning melodies social function held at the Trios Sports Club in Cranbourne. It’s been a really emotional time for me, dealing with the burden of financial debt and have multiple expenses due all at once next week. I was on the verge of losing the plot in front of Mum. But thankfully this function really did take my mind off things for a while, Sometimes all you need is a laugh to forget about your own problems.

Today’s performance was by a Mauritian musician named Marcel who played a mixture of Caribbean, classical, reggae, blues and ragtime music and wore Mexican-styled outfit with puffy sleeves and a tied crop top (Don’t ask :P). The thing that really impressed me with most was his diversity of musical styles and languages from Italian and French to Mexican and also being talented enough to play guitar, saxophone, violin and a clarinet.

He played many classic songs from artists including UB40 (Kingston Town, Red Red Wine, I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You), Louis Armstrong (What A Wonderful World), Luis Demetrio (Sway) and Giuseppe Verdi (La Traviata aka The Drinking Song).

On Friday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today I had two choices: I could either put on a fake smile and pretend that everything was okay. Or I could unload everything that’s bothering me onto Luke. I wisely chose the latter. Unfortunately, the down side of that is my tendency to get easily frustrated, really hard on myself and be on the verge of another emotional breakdown.

Part of me worried that Luke wouldn’t be able to handle my shit anymore but honestly it was so liberating to just open up to him and let all that negative stuff inside go. He’s stuck it out with me this long. Again it was just my fear and anxiety playing tricks on me but today it was just more intense than usual. I could have thrown in the towel before the end of the session but I was determined to stick it out, emotional wreck or not.

WARM-UP...Today’s warmup started off okay. I had to do three rounds of the following exercises: 20 scorpion stretches, 15 pull aparts and 20 walking lunges. By the second round, the fatigue was hitting hard and I was struggling heaps during the lunges. Why was I finding this so damn difficult? Yep there goes the inner critic again. I was already in a pool of sweat before I even started my deadlifts. This wasn’t a good sign.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 4 sets of 3 deadlifts at 89kg with a last round of maximum reps. It was pretty clear that my levels of frustration were beginning to rise rapidly. Even putting the plates on the bar was a challenge for me in this state. Luke was doing his best to get me to calm down and relax, to get out of my own head. But it was just too difficult for me today. Even at 60kg, I was having a tougher time than usual. I thought “Oh shit! Am I going to have to pull the pin on deadlifts today?”

But somehow I stuck it out. Lifting 89kg today took an enormous amount of energy for me today and this is where I was getting really hard on me. Whilst Luke was trying hard to reassure me about it, it didn’t make me feel much better considering I’ve lifted 105kg in the past. But I just did the best I could. During my maximum reps set, I was starting to feel nauseous and getting up to 6 reps seemed impossible but somehow I managed to pull 8 reps out of the bag. After that, I was physically and mentally done.

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