#and now i have to wait until mid april to know anything.

[settingorange]

Sitting here like. I submitted my little poems for contest now what.

[fluentmoviequoter]

April Fools In Love

Pairing: Tim Bradford x fem!cop!reader

Summary: When Angela convinces you to prank Tim by pretending to leave him on April 1, you plan to get through the day quietly and then split your winnings with Tim. Then Wade assigns you and Tim to ride together, and the day is anything except quiet.

Warnings: discussion of bets (Angela and Nolan start it lol), angst, arguments, gunfire (no major character injuries), fluff

Word Count: 3.1k+ words

Picture from Pinterest

Masterlist | Tim Bradford Masterlist | Request Info/Fandom List

You know it won’t end well. But when Angela and Nolan bet you $100 each that you wouldn’t do it, what were you supposed to do? Say no? Besides, if it works (and you’re terrified it will), you and Tim will have over $1,000 to split. You just have to break his heart first.

When Tim gets out of bed before the sun comes up, you’re already awake. It seems like forever as you lay in bed and wait for him to leave. But, while you’re alone in the house and preparing to pull off the biggest April Fool’s Day prank of your life, you miss him. Angela’s genius idea to prank Tim by pretending to leave him was never a good idea but as the betting pool grew in the Mid-Wilshire station, you let the money convince you. Your heart and Tim’s are on the line, and you can only hope he knows you well enough by now to see what you’re doing and play along.

Once all your belongings are hidden in the spare closet and every trace of you is gone from Tim’s house, you leave a note on Tim’s nightstand and leave. You intend on returning, as long as Tim will let you by the end of the day. It was Nolan and Lucy’s idea to send you to Lucy’s apartment at the end of shift, the proverbial “cherry on top” to convince Tim that your relationship is truly over. As you walk to your car, anxiety builds in you, and you consider backing out. It would cost money but save your sanity and your relationship. So, you only have one question: What would Tim do? The answer comes to you immediately: lie to the bet makers and win even if you lose. Now, you just have to figure out how.

Entering roll call is everything you expected it would be. There are countless eyes on you, and your lack of greeting is what Nolan needs to know you’re going through with it.

“Honestly, I didn’t think you’d do it,” he whispers from behind you. “No offense.”

“That is the least offensive thing you’ve ever said to me,” you answer quickly. “But just remember that you have to ride with me tomorrow, and anything that happens to me today is your fault.”

Nolan’s eyes widen before you turn in your seat. Breaking Tim’s heart will hurt, but yours is already fractured just from the idea. When Grey enters and gives assignments for the day, you hope that work will distract you for as long as possible. If Tim doesn’t find out until he gets off, you only have to lie to him and avoid him for a few hours before the day ends.

Wade says your name and the smile on his face concerns you. You take a deep breath before asking, “Yes, sir?”

“Bradford needs someone to ride with him today. Now, you can say no.”

You open your mouth to say no, but he raises a hand to stop you.

“Or,” Wade continues. “We can double the current pool if you say yes.”

“Double?” you repeat incredulously. “That’s-“

“Over three thousand dollars. At the moment.”

You stare at the board behind Wade before nodding. “Okay.”

The room erupts into cheers and yells, but you drop your head into your hands and ask yourself why you’re selling your heart for a few thousand dollars.

“Bradford’s waiting,” Wade says as the room silences again.

“I hate all of you,” you mumble as you exit.

“Yet you seem interested in our money!” Lucy calls behind you. “See you at home later!”

Tim is waiting by the war room, and he smiles when he sees you. You don’t return the smile, not because you’re mad at him, but because you’re worried about everything.

“Are you okay?” he asks as you approach him.

You nod, but Tim doesn’t move. “Can we go?” you ask.

Tim’s smile drops as he nods. You lead the way to the shop, and Tim’s eyes are on you the entire way. Once you’re in the car and all the cameras are on, you hope he’ll stop talking and leave everything alone, but you also know that won’t happen.

“Why are you out on patrol?” you ask.

“Looking for leads on a gun trafficking case. We’ve got a few buyers who either don’t know or won’t tell who’s running the operation,” Tim answers.

You hum and look out the windshield. The computer on the dashboard has a few possible suspects, and you keep an eye open for them. Los Angeles is big, so finding three low-level gun sellers (alleged gun sellers) won’t be particularly easy. The long day alone with Tim would be a reward any other day, but not today.

Lucy’s voice comes through the radio as she says your name. You reach for the channel to change it, but Tim’s brows furrow, and you stop.

“Are you sure about this?” Lucy asks. “I mean, of course, you’re welcome to stay with me, but maybe you should just talk to Tim.”

“About what?” Tim asks you.

“Nothing,” you answer quickly. It comes out short and harsh, and you decide to take your anger out on Lucy. “No personal lives on the radio, Chen,” you demand.

“I agree,” Wade adds. “But no one wants to see either of you hurt. You’re with Bradford all day, just talk to him.”

“I don’t have to because he can hear you,” you snap before switching the channel.

Tim drives a few blocks in silence. He glances over at you every time he has to stop.

“Are you going to ignore me all day?” Tim asks. “Because I can go back to the station and get someone else to come with me.”

“Your choice,” you reply.

“Okay,” Tim says. His hands grip the steering wheel tighter. “Are you staying with Lucy tonight?”

“I’m not talking about this right now, Sergeant Bradford. You are my superior and this doesn't seem appropriate,” you say.

Tim knows something is wrong; you won’t look at him, and your answers aren’t really answers. He pulls into an alley and switches off his body cam and the dash cam.

“Dispatch this is Bradford, switching radio off to approach the suspect. Will advise,” he radios.

“Copy, Bradford.”

Tim gestures toward your body cam, and you ask, “Why?”

He rolls his eyes and reaches across the console to pull the cam away from your chest. His hands are gentle on you, but he tosses the camera haphazardly onto the dash after switching it off.

“No cameras, no radios,” Tim says. “Now what is your problem?”

“Yeah, because I’m the one with a problem,” you reply, crossing your arms over your chest. “We’re supposed to be working, Tim. Drive.”

“Not until you tell me why you’re snapping at everyone. Being grumpy is kind of my thing.”

“Clearly,” you say with a chuckle.

“If you’re mad at me, just say it.”

“This is not the place or the time.”

“So, I’m just supposed to deal with this attitude all day?”

“I deal with yours.”

Tim rolls his eyes and leans back in his seat.

“I’m not staying with Lucy tonight. I’m staying with her until I can find my own place, so you don’t have to deal with my attitude for much longer.”

Tim’s jaw unclenches as he looks at you. You’re looking down at your lap, but you can feel his eyes on you.

“What does that mean?” Tim asks quietly. His anger is gone; it disappeared when you said you weren’t going home with him... to him.

“I can’t keep doing this, Tim.” I can’t keep lying to you, is what you mean.

“Then don’t.” You shake your head, and Tim presses, “Don’t do this. Whatever happened, we can work through it, right?”

“Not right now.”

Tim falls silent and tears his eyes away from you. He can’t decide whether to be upset or angry, but he turns all of the cameras back on and shifts the car into reverse to back out of the alley. You snatch your body cam from the dash and put it back on, but you miss the feeling of Tim’s hands.

“If not now, when?” Tim asks as he stops at a red light.

“I don’t know,” you whisper. “Report.”

Tim glances over at you quickly, and when you move your fingers toward the radio, he realizes you’re talking to him as a cop, not as someone who loves him.

“Dispatch, I’m code 4,” he says quickly.

As you continue driving around Los Angeles, the minutes stretch into hours. Tim has stopped talking to you, and the radio has been quiet. Your fingers bounce against your thigh in rapid succession, and if something doesn’t happen soon, you may burst into tears and tell Tim everything.

“Bradford,” Angela radios, “switch to a private channel.”

He does, but when he pulls the radio to him, his movements make you flinch. “What?” he asks, his grumpiness returned in full.

“Are you alone?”

“No.”

“Okay, good.”

You hold your breath as you wait to hear what Angela will say next.

“We got a hit on one of your perps. Was seen near a cigar store somewhere off La Brea.”

“That’s not helpful, Lopez,” Tim snaps. “Anything else you can give me?”

“The Debonair Cigar Lounge,” you inform. “It’s on La Brea and there’s tons of reports of illegal back door sales. Nothing we’ve ever been able to prove.”

Tim nods and drops the radio.

“You seem in high spirits,” Lopez adds. “Your captain is waiting for your report.”

“10-4,” you radio.

✯✯✯✯✯

After a waste of time at the cigar lounge, you and Tim follow several more tips. The sun is going down and Tim’s shift is nearly over by the time you catch one that seems helpful.

“Don’t you need to get back to the station?” you ask. “We don’t have time to track this and for you to report to your captain.”

Tim ignores you and pulls into another alley. Why does LA have so many dirty alleys? And why are they Tim’s preferred argument location?

“You said it earlier, I’m your superior. If you’re not going to answer my questions, I’m not going to accept your advice,” Tim explains.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you argue. “Me not wanting to talk about our relationship issues in the shop is not the same as reminding you that you have other duties.”

“Oh, now they’re relationship issues. That sounds like talking about them.”

You tip your head back against the seat and sigh. Something moves in the alley, and you lean forward to watch for it.

“Just tell me what is bothering you!” Tim says. You don’t answer, too interested in what is or isn’t moving in the shadows, but Tim takes it as you voluntarily ignoring him. “Fine, you don’t want to talk? I can wait.”

“Bradford, drive,” you say quickly. 

“No.”

“Tim!” you yell.

The worry in your voice causes Tim to look forward, and the man you’ve spent the day looking for is standing in the middle of the alley and pointing a gun at you.

“Get down,” Tim demands.

You lean toward him over the console as he jerks the gear shift down. Before he can move, the man starts shooting. Tim leans over you as he backs out of the alley. While he gets you to safety, you radio for backup. The car slides to a graceless stop as a bullet takes out the front tire on your side.

“I’m going to Lucy’s because I can’t stay with you tonight,” you admit.

Your voice is raised over the continued gunfire, but Tim’s face is pressed beside yours as he drapes his body over you. His protectiveness is one of many things that you love about him, and as you prepare to tell him the truth, you’re more grateful for it than ever.

“You’re leaving me?” Tim asks.

“Tim, what day is it?” you ask.

A bullet breaks your window, and Tim pulls himself tighter against you as he raises his gun toward the opening. The man is nearing you, and Tim waits for him to get close enough before rising up so he’s visible.

“April Fools,” Tim answers as he fires a single shot.

He leaves you alone in the shop as he runs to the downed gunman. The bullet hit his leg, far from fatal, and Tim cuffs him before putting pressure on the wound.

“I can’t believe you just broke up with me while we were being shot at,” Tim yells angrily.

He winks at you quickly, a nearly invisible movement. His jaw remains clenched, though, and you can’t tell if he’s mad at you or the man who tried to kill you.

“Bradford!” Angela yells as she exits her car. “What happened?”

Tim pushes the man toward another Metro officer and turns away from you.

“Plenty,” he answers before walking away. “Give her a ride.”

You lick your lips as you watch Tim leave with Metro. 

“You told him?” Angela asks. “How did that go?”

“He seems mad,” you answer.

“This may be better than expected. I’m taking you to Lucy’s.”

“But I need to-“

“Grey knows,” Angela interrupts. “Let’s go.”

✯✯✯✯✯

“Just sit down,” Lucy pleads. “Tim cares and he’ll talk to you eventually.”

“I told Tim that I was leaving him when all I wanted to do was tell him I love him,” you point out. “I’m not going to sit down.”

Lucy sighs and turns away. She had enjoyed the idea before this moment, but now that you and Tim are both understandably miserable, it isn’t as much fun.

“Incoming,” Tamara whispers dramatically as she opens the door.

“Where’s your stuff?” Tim demands as he steps inside.

“Not with me,” you answer honestly.

“Then let’s go.”

“Where?”

Tim fixes his eyes on yours. There’s a storm in them, and it’s a dangerous one. You decide not to fight him and instead walk toward him.

“Hey, you can talk here,” Lucy offers.

Tim doesn’t reply as he closes the door behind him. You walk wordlessly beside him as he takes you to his truck. Once you’re inside, he runs his fingers through his short hair before hitting his open palm against the steering wheel.

“I know you pointed out that it’s April Fool’s Day,” he begins. “But when I get home and all of your stuff is gone, it’s a little hard to believe it’s a joke.”

You glance at the clock and see that there’s still a little over an hour left until midnight. If you want the money, you can’t do anything until then.

“I put it somewhere,” you say quietly. “Until I knew for sure what I was going to do.”

“Are you going to give me a real answer?”

You look at the clock again, but this time Tim follows your movement. He sits back in his seat and turns on the radio.

“I’ll wait,” he offers.

“Why?” you ask. “After everything I did this morning?”

“Lots of words for it: love, stupidity, obsession. Take your pick.”

“April Fool’s Day was more fun last year,” you mutter.

Tim smiles as he remembers; you had tried to convince everyone in Mid-Wilshire that you and Tim hated one another and that any memory that had otherwise was a figment of their imagination. When you got home that night, Tim kept up the act until you threatened to take Kojo in the divorce, and then you got the attention you’d been missing all day.

As the clock inches closer to midnight, you lean back as well and simply sit beside Tim. Your phone rings and you sigh when you see Angela’s name.

“Hello?” you answer.

“Where are you?” she asks.

“Outside Lucy’s apartment.”

“Is Tim still with you?”

“Why would Tim be with me?”

Tim shakes his head beside you, and you remember when he told you about the bet with Lucy when she tried to set him up and failed. You met the next day and then Tim won the bet, he had said.

“Are you planning to call him at midnight?” she asks.

“Yes! I have been lying to him all day, Angela, of course I’m going to call and tell him.”

Angela sighs, but it sounds funny.

“What?”

“He blew up on his Metro team. There’s a chance he may not be able to forgive you, or… won’t want to.”

You glance over at Tim, and he cocks his head at your furrowed brows.

“So, he’s really mad,” you repeat softly. “And my apologies won’t be good enough.”

“I don’t know that for sure!” Angela soothes.

What actually works to make you feel better is Tim’s hand taking yours. The clock changes, and you hang up. 12:00 am, April 2. 

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper.

The fear you’ve been pushing down all day appears as tears, and Tim cups your face to wipe them away.

“My stuff is in the guest room, but if you don’t want me to come back-“

Tim cuts you off with a kiss. He pulls you toward him as he leans over the console, but it’s uncomfortable, and he breaks the kiss quickly.

“Please tell me you won something for your success,” Tim says.

You smile and answer, “Nearly three and a half thousand dollars.”

Tim’s jaw drops as his hands drop to your shoulders.

“I was thinking we’d go see a Dodgers game, sit behind home plate. Or you can have it all since I did ruin your day.”

“Watching you get shot at ruined my day,” Tim corrects. “But as long as you go home with me, no harm, no foul.”

“I really am sorry. I do love you, and I’d never leave you like that.”

“I know,” Tim answers smugly. “I stopped by the house after you left, and Kojo led me straight to your stuff.

“You knew the whole time?!” you exclaim.

“I had an idea. Asked Grey to let me spend the day with you to see if I was right.”

“I felt terrible-“

“And you should have! Kojo and I will need lots of hugs and kisses to make up for the emotional distraught you put us through.”

You roll your eyes, and once you’re sandwiched between Tim and Kojo, they don’t seem to accept your apologies unless they’re punctuated with some type of physical affection. Tim also takes the opportunity to yell at everyone involved in the bet when he gets to work the following morning, but the promise of another night and a Dodgers game with you makes it worth it.

[brave-and-gentle]

Girl dad!Jean Kirstein - Happy Birthday Edition

In celebration of our man's birthday!

Pairings: Jean x afab! reader

Summary: Modern AU - You find out that you and Jean are unexpectedly going to be parents, and the baby is due on Jean's birthday.

Warnings: None, this is a continuation of super wholesome girl dad Jean

EB's Notes: I wish I could've fully fleshed this out, but alas, I'm working on two fics so a bulleted list is the best I can give rn <3 also I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or give birth so?? I did my best?? Plz enjoy and celebrate our Jean boy!

It's September when you find out that you're pregnant. One missed period isn't a big deal, but two? That plus how your stomach swirls every morning. You can't keep anything down until mid-afternoon. You silently blame the Fourth of July rager Eren threw every year. You and Jean had never been the patriotic type, but you two enjoyed the party (maybe a little too much thanks to Connie handing you drinks all night) and got a little careless after the night's festivities.

One night when Jean comes home from work, you decide to tell him. “Um, Jean?” Lacking words, you hold out the pregnancy test. Your hands shake. You had talked about having kids together, but it was always some distant future, certainly not now. He takes the stick and stares at it for what seems like forever. You wonder if you have to explain to him that it's a pregnancy test – is he really that dense? But then he looks up, hazel eyes glowing in the sunset streaking through the windows, and wraps you in his arms. “It's going to be okay, no matter what we do,” he whispers and kisses the top of your head. “I know it's not great timing and I'm not sure I'll ever really feel ready,” you begin, voice trembling, “but I think I want this. A baby. With you.” Jean leans down to press his forehead to yours. “Then I think we're going to have an adventure,” he grins.

Jean is overjoyed when you two find out that the baby is due in early April. “Do you think they'll be born on my birthday?” He asks, excitement rippling through his six-foot-two frame as he stares at the sonogram. You roll your eyes. “I didn't realize you could tolerate sharing a birthday with anyone.” Jean made a big deal about his birthday every year – mostly because he wanted to see what you would come up with for him. “Anything for our little one,” he affirms and caresses your slight bump.

Jean is the perfect partner to have a baby with – almost too perfect. It's almost irritating how much he dotes on you, but you remind yourself that he's doting on the baby too - “Baby K” or “little one,” he calls them interchangeably. He supplies you with all kinds of ginger snacks for morning sickness, researches all the baby stuff you'll need, asks a million questions at every appointment, gives you a massage every night, and takes over the majority of the household chores. Connie and Sasha tease that they never see him anymore because he's “whipped for two.”

You start to feel contractions on the evening of April 6th. Frantic, Jean calls the doctor, who says to wait until they're closer together. Neither of you fall asleep that night – you simply lie in bed, counting the minutes between contractions together. In the wee hours of April 7th, you decide it's time. Jean carries you to the car, packs the hospital bag, and hyperventilates all the way there. “For god's sake Jean, we're not even there yet!”

For all his hyperventilating in the car, Jean manages to calm down once your contractions and labor pains ramp up. It's pain unlike anything you've ever experienced – like someone is twisting all your organs together and rearranging them. All modesty is out the window. With so much sweat sliding down your body, you throw off the hospital gown and are stark naked in front of Jean and the nurses. Jean holds you hand the entire time and rubs your sweat-slicked back as you contort yourself into any position that will get the baby out as fast as possible. “C'mon baby, you're doing great! Almost there, almost there!” He encourages with confidence, but his face is as pale as the hospital bed sheets. You know Jean well enough to know that on the inside, he's border line having a panic attack.

You let out one final scream, one final push, and ear-piercing cries fill the room. “You have a baby girl!” The nurse announces and places your daughter on your chest. She's covered in all kinds of fluid and is screaming so loud your ears ache, but you don't care. You cradle her in awe that she's this little combination of you and Jean that will someday grow into her own. Jean pulls closer and wraps his arm around you and places his hand on your daughter's back. His entire hand is almost bigger than her. “She's so small,” he whispers. His earthy hazel eyes begin misting.

When Jean holds his daughter for the first time, his misty eyes give way to a rainstorm. “I can't believe we have a daughter – we made an entire human,” he blubbers and snuggles her close. “Don't forget who did most of the work,” you groan and roll over on your side to watch the two loves of your life. Jean lowers your daughter from his chest to gaze down at her. His eyes light up. “Hey babe, look, I think she's got my face!” You laugh because sure enough, she does have a longer face than most babies you've seen.

When the nurse takes your daughter to get cleaned up, Jean nibbles your ear. Heat flushes your face. “So when do you think we can -” You bat him away. “Don't even think about, Kirstein.” “C'mon babe, I'm starved!” He pleads. “NO. You don't even want to see my pussy right now, it's wrecked.” Jean crosses his arms. “I'll have you know that I saw everything, probably more than you did, and I still want your pussy. But alright alright, maybe in a month or so. Maybe we could make another one. . .” He trails off and grins. You widen your eyes. “If she's got your attitude? We stop with her,” you counter. “But,” Jean says, “if she's like you? We should have three more.” You groan and throw a pillow at him.

A few hours later, Connie, Sasha, and Marco come parading in with chocolate cupcakes. “When I asked Nicolo to make cupcakes for your birthday, I didn't realize there would be two birthdays,” Sasha laughs and hands a cupcake to Jean, who wolfs it down in one hand while cradling your daughter in the other. “More importantly,” Marco says and hands you a cupcake, “congratulations. I'm glad everything went well.” You grin and take the cupcake. “Thanks Marco.” Jean grabs another cupcake and holds it in the air. “To you,” he says your name, “for giving me the best birthday present I could've ever asked for.” Tears shimmer in his eyes again. Your heart blossoms at the sight of your best friends all here for you. “Who knew Jean boy was such a cry baby,” Connie mutters and munches on his cupcake. “Ouch!” He cries as Sasha hits him on the head. “Happy birthday Jean,” you laugh and roll your eyes because you know for the rest of your life, he's going to be insufferable about how great it is to share a birthday with his daughter. “You're never getting one like this again.”

[arcane-vagabond]

Hey, so...

This is going to be a LONG post, so please bare with me.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking the past week about what fics I'm doing and when. I've made some decisions that some people are probably not going to like, and I completely understand that, but at the end of the day, it's my blog and my time. I know there have been some fics that people have been very excited for, but unfortunately, things change.

As of right now, Til the Summer Comes Again is getting shelved until sometime in November. I love the fic, and I want to finish it, but I do think it'll be a lot more fun to do in the winter considering it's a Jack Frost fic. This past winter was really hectic for me considering I started a new job after being unemployed for a couple of months, and with the stress of all that and the pressure for other fics, it definitely fell by the wayside. The fic idea is something so special to me, which is why I'm shelving it instead of scrapping it altogether. We will see Jack Frost!Bob again in November!

I am also scrapping my Hadestown fic (In Spite of the Way). I'm doing this because it's such a specific story, and unfortunately, I just don't see myself being able to add anything new or interesting to the story at hand. It would just be a complete retelling of the story that's already there, and that's not something that I want to do.

I am also tabling my Studio Ghibli fics. I'm not sure if I'll ever come back to them, but they've been pushed to the side for so long that it just doesn't make sense to have them on my masterlist when it's becoming clear that other things are drawing my interests away. I'd love to re-explore them farther down the line, but for now, Our Hill of Stars and The Word of the Crooked are being taken off my masterlist. Whisper in the Wind I believe will be started come early September or so and be a part of the Autumn lineup.

Now that Meet Me at the Sea is done, my focus is going to be on finishing Fool's Fare and updating the Dagger Posse Universe here and there. Fool's Fare is most likely to be done sometime in April if I had to guess, which means...

It's time to talk the Sailor-Aviator Summer Cinematic Release schedule!

As we all know, I've just announced the MMATS stand-alone sequel: Down By the Bay featuring one Bradley Bradshaw. But what else is coming this summer? Let's talk about it!

There have been a few of you waiting for my Indiana Jones!Jake fic aka Fortune & Glory, and I'm so excited to announce that it is on the roster for this summer! Tune in to follow Jake and Bucket as they try to secure the legendary staff of Moses before the Nazis do!

Next up on the roster is the long-awaited Mafia fic! Titled after the age-old idiom, Two Birds follows the reader as they unwittingly catch the eye of not one, but two mafia bosses, both standing as the dual heads of the Dagger Syndicate. Two Birds is a M x F x M featuring Jake "Hangman" Seresin and Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw (No Hangster).

I'm hoping to start these fics anywhere from Mid-May to early June, so stay tuned!!

Meanwhile, I will be dedicating some time to the DPU as well, trying to wrap up some fics within that to hopefully have it finished (or down to the last one) by the summer's end.

If you've stuck around this long, I just want to say thank you. Not only for reading this monster of a post, but for continuing to read my work and for following and supporting me through everything! You guys are the best! Until next time~

[nightmaretist]

TIMING: Mid April PARTIES: Mercy & Inge LOCATION: Dance Macabre SUMMARY: Inge finds Mercy in the club bathroom, where the vampire is hiding from the loud noise and flashing lights. CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A

Going to Dance Macabre had lost some of its charm now that Inge couldn’t get down on the dance floor as she was used to. She tended to get into the club with an air of confidence, ready to dance to the goth music that usually ruled the speakers and make it through a sleepless night. But there was no fun to be found in dancing now and so she found herself evading the club or, if she visited, sitting in a booth, sulking.

Most days, she didn’t even make her way there by car and foot — she just manifested in a bathroom stall, locked it and waited a moment before exiting. Today she chose that way, preferring her commute through the astral. She’d been back at school teaching and her body hurt from the standing, but she didn’t want another day at home.

So she swung open the door of the bathroom, finding it empty save for one person. A woman – no surprise there – and as would be Inge’s luck, she was upset. For a moment she stood there in the doorway of the bathroom stall, wondering if she could get away with astral projecting somewhere else but eventually deciding against it. “Hey,” she said, walking up to the sinks and mirrors. She opened a faucet, let cold water run over her hands despite her not having used the toilet. “Everything okay?” She wondered if this was a human, hoped it wasn’t. “Something happen out there?”

—

Mercy was tired of being confined to Caleb’s house. It was where she lingered most days, unless she were at The Sugar Pot working in the shadows learning about how the 21st century seemed to work. And even then, those days could be quite frustrating. Nothing about Wicked’s Rest was as she had remembered, except the occasional stroll through nature where somehow man had decided to leave things untouched. Those were her favorite places. And they had reminded her briefly of the life she had once lived.

But tonight, while Caleb was out doing his own thing, Mercy had found herself venturing out into the darkness and down sidewalks and streets until she had come to a place known as Dance Macabre. For whatever reason, it had given her an odd sensation. It had felt right and where she belonged. Even the name seemed to remind her of the works of one of the greatest playwrights of her time…William Shakespeare.

As she moved forward, drawn in, she smiled as a man who was much larger than her small 5’2” stature allowed her to pass into the haze of living and undead alike. It wasn’t what she had expected at all. And in fact, it was so loud that it hurt her ears. Music thumped and the smoke and haze with strobing lights left her feeling disoriented. She had immediately regretted coming into the loud nightclub. But Mercy couldn’t seem to find her way out, and instead, she stumbled towards the bar, where a tall blonde woman had asked if she was okay, before the vampire made a break for what seemed to be a dark hall that was mute with anything flashing.

Coming to a doorway, she desperately looked for the handle and out of frustration pushed on it, which sent her careening forward and into a smaller room that wreaked of an all too familiar stink that lingered in the fields of Salem many, many years ago. But Mercy didn’t care. It seemed like a safer place to be - with muffled sounds and steady white candlelight overhead, and without thinking any harder, she found a dark and safe space to crawl up under, until she heard a voice speak to her.

Peering out from under the sink, Mercy looked up to see a woman standing there, “Nay, tis much too loud and all consuming. I hath made quite the mistake in coming here. But I know not of how to leave.” The 17th century vampire realized her words were once again aging her, but in this moment, the fear and anxiety she felt was much too great to worry about what someone thought.

—

The bathroom was often a place for things like this, wasn’t it? For drunk girls to deliver compliments as if they were soliloquies and wipe a strand of hair from your face. To hold someone’s hand, tell another that the man she was after was hardly worth her time, to exchange tampons and lipgloss. Inge still carried tampons with her for this reason, even if she didn’t need them any more. 

And those things she was good at, but this? A woman crouching under a sink, looking absolutely overwhelmed with her surroundings. As if this was the first time she’d been a club. Distantly she remembered what it had been like, to venture into the city and go into a place like this for the first time. She’d gone to parties back in town, but they’d been held in sheds and living rooms, sometimes in the town cafe — and the attendants had all been familiar figures. Former babysitters, classmates, colleagues of her parents, the veterinarian and friends of her husband.

Going out in Amsterdam had been dizzying. Everything had been dizzying after she had been transformed, of course, but she had felt like this. That was so long ago now — Inge frequented clubs aplenty these days, found their noise and sounds comforting. 

She dried off her hands, looked down at the other woman. She spoke like she was stuck in a different era which might have made plenty raise their eyebrows. But Inge was an undead woman in an undead nightclub, so it wasn’t entirely out there. She gave a look of sympathy, something she extended primarily because she hoped the other was undead like her.

“Alright,” she said, crouching down a little. “Why don’t you get out from under there, huh?” She extended a hand. “I know this place like the back of my hand, so I can show you the way out.” Inge hadn’t planned on doing something like this tonight, but she found that life never seemed to go as planned as of late. “What’s your name? Did anyone bother you?”

—

The new world had really been something. Over the course of nearly four hundred years, Mercy had laid deep underground in a pine box that held dirt and decay leaving her with one struggle…keep her mind intact. There had been a lifetime’s worth of worry to dwell on for centuries having no answers and never having contact with anyone but bugs crawling over her slowly rotting form. In and out of her mouth on occasion. Over her eyes, in and out of her ears. Nibbling on her clothing and flesh. And at first, she would scream trying to shake off the creatures that scared her so, but as time passed, she had given in…allowed them to linger on her form considering it was as close to human touch and companionship as she could get. The millions of tiny legs and bodies over the years crawled around looking for food or a place to reside, all while she began to focus more on mental tasks and memories. Until finally, one day, there was just silence from giving up, except for the occasional hard thump, rumble, or rattle that shook the ground around her.

But now, here she was surrounded by too much noise. Too many people. Too much stimulation struggling to accept all of it and understand what it meant and why people were so different.

Leaning back slightly as she watched the other woman kneel down, Mercy was cautious. And as soon as she noticed her hand, she hesitated, before giving in and taking it. Managing to pull herself out and up, the petite woman straightened up in her posture, “Thankee. My name is Mercy, and what shall I call thee?” She looked with sad blue eyes in her direction, “Nay. No one hath bothered me.” It probably seemed absurd to someone such as the woman standing in front of Mercy, but here they both were having this strange interaction.

—

There was some kind of nurturing instinct within her still. Inge didn’t enjoy it when this instinct gave her responsibility, but that didn’t mean it didn’t prop up from time to time. She wasn’t wholly uncaring, after all — she cared for her fellow undead, in most cases, and even as a professor she didn’t mind being a bit of a guide. And so it made sense to extend a hand and be glad when it was taken, looking at the shaking woman with a hint of concern.

She continued to speak in that ancient way and it reminded her of Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet, with all the flashing lights behind the door but the Shakespearean speech falling off her lips. Something about it was theatrical, but it was also not wholly strange in a world where people could live to be a thousand years old and not age a day. Inge moved a pluck of the other’s blonde hair behind her ear.

“I’m Inge,” she said. “And I am glad no one has bothered you.” She had a small inner debate on how to broach the subject of the other’s potential immortality. She let it go for now. It could be discussed outside. “Alright. We’re just going to get out of here now, okay?” She took her hand again. “Get some fresh air. I’ll guide the way.” She gave a small smile, used her free hand to open the bathroom door and welcome the sounds of the club, heavy bass pumping through her ears. She pushed past people with ease, as she was practiced in the art of moving through large masses and reached for the doors once she’d gotten there, letting go of Mercy’s hand as they got outside. “Better?”

—

Mercy, though apprehensive about leaving the safety of the bathroom, no matter how dingy it was, had felt something familiar and warm with the woman that stood in front of her. Her words were soft and kind. There were no harsh stares, just someone who spoke gently, compared to the other people who had milled about earlier in the bathroom not even noticing Mercy tucked away in her hiding space, “Tis a pleasure to meet thee, even under such circumstance. I am Mercy.” A small, subtle smile appeared across her face cutting through the sadness that lingered in her blue eyes.

At the request to leave, Mercy inhaled deeply and released a small sigh as she nodded in approval of the plan. And with a grip much tighter than before, she latched onto Inge and followed the other woman through the overwhelming loudness of the music and modern people to finally reach the outside of the club.

With the coolness of the night air hitting her face, she let out another sigh, but this time it was one of full relief. Mercy was free and safe. The music thumping inside the building was still somewhat intimidating and the people wandering around outside Dance Macabre made her somewhat nervous, but she was free from the modern prison of a cacophony of sounds and peculiar people, “Much better, aye. Thankee from freeing me from such a prison. How dost one stand such chaos?” She looked to Inge with genuine concern.

—

Mercy’s hand was cold in her own, which was to say, she was the same temperature. Inge knew some people were just coldblooded but this was a meeting place of the undead. She would take the leap, she decided, once they were outside. For now her goal was clear: she was to take this confused and lost woman outside, to lead her to a place where lights didn’t flash and music didn’t pump.

She laughed softly at the question Mercy asked once they were outside. She had been like this once, she kept telling herself. Overwhelmed and wide eyed. Wondering why people enjoyed places so crowded, so filled with the stench of alcohol and cigarettes. Back then people had smoked inside. Back then she had smoked inside. “You learn to like it, if you want. It’s nice to enjoy the music together. To find people …” She smiled. “To have fun.” 

She started to walk from the sound of the pulsing music, though, looking at Mercy to see if she was following. “So … and correct me if I’m wrong,” Inge said. It was dark out. She could disappear if this was a mistake. “But are you of the unaging kind? You seem much older than you look. And that is a compliment.”

—

Mercy looked back as people stumbled out of the club laughing. It was nice to see people enjoying themselves. To see happiness, when she had come from a stricter time. One of morals and standards you did not question out of fear of what could happen. People liked to talk, and Mercy hated being the subject of their talk, but it seemed that people in this day and age were more wrapped up in their own needs, then that of those around them. Of course, the vampire had only been present in this new, modern world for the briefest of moments, so she hadn’t discovered tabloid magazines and online trolls.

“Fun? I do not recall such a word.” It was true. The word hadn’t come around until the early 1700s when Mercy was already buried deep underground. And like the people leaving Dance Macabre, laughing and smiling was something she hadn’t done in quite a while. In fact, the only genuine smile she could remember recently was something Caleb had said. The moving people in the wall often made her laugh, but it was somewhat hollow and only because it got her mind off of things, “I hope to find enjoyment in life once more, when the shock of these modern times has dulled.”

Noticing Inge move forward, Mercy followed, “Aye. I hath not aged. At least as far as one can tell without being able to see one’s own reflection. I was born in 1657 and lived in Salem town, up until I was accused of being a witch. From there I fled to Wicked’s Rest, but fate hath determined an early grave after being accused of being a demon, in which I was laid to rest in a pine box where I hath been for nearly 400 years.” She looked towards the ground remembering what both Caleb and Alistair had warned against, but Inge had saved her, and she felt she had owed the woman an explanation.

—

There was a chance that this woman was some kind of cosplayer, a goth who committed to the bit very hard, but Inge doubted it. Mercy had seemed genuinely upset by the noise and chaos in the club and hadn’t seemed to be performing for any kind of audience. Besides, Inge had met people who were old before — vampires and mares who’d ran around the world for multiple centuries and weren’t able to shake the antiquity from their way of speaking. This seemed more like that.

“Maybe you’ll have to look somewhere else besides clubs, then. They aren’t for everyone.” She gave a little hint of a smile, glad that the other was walking with her. And then Mercy offered a kind of honesty that was dangerous in these parts — even though she had been the one with the forward questioning in the first place. She was nearly half a century old, it was hard to imagine such a life – especially such a life spent in a pine box.

She could not be a mare, then. If Inge had been buried alive for so long, she would have perished after a while due to starvation. Her mind flashed to Ariadne, locked in a van. It flashed to Italy, where she’d hungered  while trapped. “That’s horrible,” she said, “Fate …” She tsk-ed, halted and looked at Mercy. “There is no such thing as fate. Just ignorant and cruel humans. I’m sorry that happened to you.” She shook her head. “I’m undead too, for what it’s worth. A mare.” She looked over the other. She hoped this wasn’t a lie. She wondered if it was — but she knew how cruel hunters could be. She could still flee away if this woman was a hunter who knew how to play her cards. “And I am of the opinion our kind should stick together, hm? Watch each other’s backs. Maybe teach you a thing or two about this twenty first century.”

— Mercy was starting to relax and find comfort in Inge’s company. She had spoken harshly, but from the last days of the vampire’s time with the living, before being shoved in a box, there was some truth held in Inge’s words. However, Caleb had been kind. Even Alistair. The paths she had crossed so far held kindness, but the more she thought about it, including learning what Inge was – not that Mercy knew what a mare was, she was coming to find that everyone who had been kind had been far from being a mere human, “I suppose you speak truth in the regard of humans.” It was still an odd notion knowing she wasn’t technically a part of the living human world anymore.

“Preytell, Inge, but what is a mare?” Mercy looked to her new friend as they walked slowly down the sidewalk. There was still so much to learn in this world. More about vampires, such as herself, and the other creatures that seemed to roam the modern streets of Wicked’s Rest. But she wanted to learn. She wanted to know. If this was to be her new life, she had to know.

“I propose a deal. I shall teach thee of life in the 1600s, if thee shall be so kind as to teach me of life in the 2000s.” With a more confident smile, now that she was away from the booming nightlife of Wicked’s Rest, Mercy locked arms with her new friend. If there were more people like the Inges, Calebs, and Alistairs of the world, she had hoped she would cross paths with them sooner or later, because at least life in modern times wouldn’t be so lonely or so hard.

[theratboyking]

Softly Into The Night

Chapter Five: The Neon God They Made

Pairing: Cardinal Copia/Reader/Papa Emeritus iii (this will also have eventual Copia/Terzo but that won't be for a while)(This is also a slow burn so it's gonna be a while until we even get here)

Word Count: 3.4k

Summary: Demons are real, angels exist, and my father is the Prince of Darkness. A dream I can’t seem to wake up from. And two mysterious strangers that seem to have a connection to me. What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter Summary: “Fine, you chose the hard way.” He clears his throat. Snapping his fingers, the book I had been holding springs to life. The pages fly open as he brings his staff to the grown. His white eye starts to glow. “Now, you will fight me like your life depends on it. I am your enemy in these moments, and I will not stop until you cannot fight anymore.”

Warnings: 18+ (this is going to get be a wild ride folks,) Slow burn, Idiots in love, kinda soulmates? poorly translated Italian (I am sorry to all the Italians out there) fluff, angst, this is a ghost fic so you know religious trauma, some chapters will like get kinda deep in the religious philosophy but maybe not depending on the direction this goes, eventual smut (Chapter will be labeled)

AO3 Link Masterlist

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“We’re going to try something different today.”  Secondo’s voice echoed around the halls. He wasn’t wearing his usual robes. Instead, he was dressed in a white button-up shirt and black slacks. He had his sleeves rolled up, exposing the tattoos on his arms. He was carrying his staff in one arm. He was moving with little urgency, but I was a nervous wreck.

This morning started with me receiving a rather large book shoved into my arms by a waiting Secondo and very little explanation of where we were going. In fact, this was the first thing he had said to me since I made it to his office door this morning. I started to fear that he was finally sick of me being late.

“Can I ask where we’re going?”

My arms were starting to hurt from just how heavy this book was. It was well-loved, as if it was out of someone’s personal collection. There wasn’t a title, but it looked old and essential.

“The graveyard.” He said it so nonchalantly.

 I stubble over my steps, almost falling. “I’m sorry, what?” So this was it, wasn’t it? So this was how I was going to die.

“Calm down; I’m not going to kill you,” He cast me a sideways glance. “ Mio fratello avrebbe avuto una crisi, per non parlare del cardinale.” I really need to learn Italian…

 I gulp–my grip on the book only tightens. I didn’t even know that there was a graveyard. What would we even be doing down there? Why were we even going to the cemetery, of all places?  I could feel a pit forming in my stomach, one I hadn’t felt in quite a while. I take an uneasy breath.

The large doors at the front of the Abbey came into view. Each step is met with the pounding of my heart. I couldn’t tell you, but I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. It felt like I would fall into it if I weren’t careful.  

The blinding afternoon mid-April sun nearly blinded me. The forest surrounding the Abbey seemed to breathe with each passing breeze.  The feeling wasn’t going away; if anything, it was getting worse. We were only getting closer to the forest.

“We will be back before sundown. Others know this and will not come looking for us until then. Do you understand?”

My breathing was picking up, but I nodded my head nonetheless. I have an awful feeling about this. This isn't going to end well. The sound of snapping thighs and crushed leaves echo in my ears. They seemed so far away.

Up a little bit from the path was a clearing. A fence lined the outside; several large boulders lay near the entrance. Graves lined the grounds, some older than others. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a mausoleum in the distance. There was an energy that radiated from this place. We were not alone; whoever else was still here with us was very old.

         He continued despite me falling behind. His assurance from earlier didn’t do much to help with the ever-increasing sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I picked up my pace so that I wasn’t alone. This place was beyond creepy; it felt like my every move was being watched.

He comes to a sudden stop. I collided right into his back, crashing to the ground.

“Throw something at me.” He was being so nonchalant with every word he said to me. I was left in a state of shock. I honestly really wasn’t sure how to react.

“I’m sorry, what?” I looked at him like he had three heads, slowly bringing myself to my feet. Was he looking for me to do something to have an excuse to kill me? But he said others knew we were out there.

“You head me, throw something at me.”

I slowly bent down to grab a stick before he stopped me, “No, not like that. Use your powers.”

 “I can’t do that.”

“You can, now, do it.”

“I can’t throw something with my mind.”

“We can either do this the easy way, and you stop hiding from yourself, or we do this the hard way, and I won’t be so nice. We are running out of time here principessa, and my patience is running thin.”

I gulp, looking toward one of the smaller rocks in the area. Settling on the smallest I could find, I tried to do as he asked. I could feel myself straining, but it didn’t move. Despite my best efforts, the rock did not move. Finally, I could hear Secondo let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine, you chose the hard way.” He clears his throat. Snapping his fingers, the book I had been holding springs to life. The pages fly open as he brings his staff to the grown.  His white eye starts to glow.  “Now, you will fight me like your life depends on it. I am your enemy in these moments, and I will not stop until you cannot fight anymore.”

“Now, let's begin.” The word came from all around. It was almost impossible to tell where he was even despite being right in my sight. The whole atmosphere changed with his words. A chill ran down my spine.

He lifts his staff, bringing it barreling to the ground. A thunderous clap sounded off throughout the graveyard. A ring of white and orange flames sprang to life around us, trapping me in here with him.

“You cannot run this time, Principessa.” It almost didn't sound like him anymore. A low rubble echoes around me, and I try to regain my bearings.

This had to be a test, a joke even. There was no way I could do this. Then, a bright flash of orange and red whizzed past my head.

Ok, maybe he wasn't joking.

I could hear him muttering something in Latin as another ball of fire missed my body. He really wasn't joking; I don’t even think this is the full extent of what he could do. How was I going to get out of this? What do I do? Do I run, or do I hide?

Running wasn't exactly an option; a wall of fire was blocking my way. I couldn't stay here, though; he wasn't letting up–I could take cover for a second so I could at least think of what to do. I make a run for it taking cover behind one of the gravestones. It’s not much, but at least it was something.

“Come on, do we really need to do this?”  It did little to stop Secondo’s attack–continuing to throw the balls of fire toward the stone. Ok, think, what can I do to stop him? The heat of the fire was starting to get to me; sweat was falling down my body from either the adrenaline or just how much I was moving. I really wasn’t sure.  

Fire, that’s it. Ok, focus. Remember what he taught you. I take a deep breath, trying to get something to happen. Focus.

I could feel my hands heating up. A spark was forming in between my hands.  Focus. I can do this. Finally, a tiny ball of flames erupts in my hands.

“Yes!” I threw my hands up in victory. The ball of flames going with it. It flew towards Secondo, missing him completely and landing in the space beside him, leaving little more than a scorch mark on the earth.

Secondo turns his gaze towards my misfire. A dark laugh leaves his lips as I return to take cover behind the gravestone.

“Is that the best you can do?” He practically roared, throwing the ball of fire back towards me. I just barely managed to dodge it. “Do you think the enemy will go soft on you? Attack me!” He raises his staff once more.

“Stop it. I can’t do this.” I lift my head, peeking out to look at him.         “You don’t have a choice. The enemy does not care what you can and can't do. They only want you dead.” He paused for a moment. “Or would you rather they kill those you care about?” He points his staff to the side, his eyes turning to look in the direction, “Vide quid vult”

I could see two figures beginning to appear out of the corner of my eye. Terzo and Copia materialize out of thin air—a look of horror on their faces. Despite whom had summoned them, they still seemed utterly horrified by what was happening. They stood there motionless, only letting out ragged breaths; they looked like they couldn't move even if they wanted to

“Leave them out of this.” I could feel what little control I had left me. I seriously didn’t want to hurt him, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“They will not stop until you are destroyed. They do not care who gets in the way.” His eyes break from me, looking towards one of the large boulders that stood unmoving at the gateway.

“Praecipio tibi, ut tollas de somno tuo” Pointing his staff to the side, the boulder began to lift from the ground. He hurled his staff in the direction of my boys. The boulder follows his command. 

“No!” I don’t know what came over me. It was as if time had stopped; everything was moving so slowly. My legs were moving without me having to think about it. I could feel every beat of my heart racing as I desperately tried to reach them in time. Reaching them just in time for the boulder. I brace myself for impact. All air left my body as the boulder rammed into my outstretched hands. It fell to the ground with little resistance.

 Taking deep breaths, I looked behind me; they weren’t there.  I could feel what little restain I had left me. I could feel my body changing. My gaze snapped to where Secondo stood.

Terzo and Copia stood by his side—the same look of horror present on their faces. Secondo looked utterly pleased with himself. He let out a dark chuckle; a smile was plastered on his face. This was the most alive I had ever seen him before. “Good! Now the real fun begins.”

I screamed–even that seemed to have changed into something monstrous. I couldn't recognize my own voice, but I didn’t care. Charging towards him at an inhuman speed, despite this, he still managed to dodge me. It only served to add fuel to my anger.  I could feel the snakes Lucifer had put on my side burning with every move I made, but it didn't stop me. I couldn’t stop. I had to get to them.

Dodging every shot of fire, he threw at me with an accuracy I never knew I could possess. I make my way to them. I could feel an icy fire on my face, the cold air hitting me with how fast I moved. I was getting closer. The last bit of control I had left me as I let out one more demonic scream.  

This was the only time I have ever seen him show true fear. The cockiness he had completely vanished from his face. His eyes had finally returned to normal. He sprints to where I have collapsed. “Prohibere!” 

 I could barely make out the feeling of him flipping onto my back. My vision faded in and out, and I couldn't hear the word leaving Secondo’s mouth. My head was pounding.  I just wanted to close my eyes. Yeah. I should just close my eyes.

  “Are you ok?” It was distant despite him being right next to me.

The world around me goes black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck, it felt like there was a boulder on my chest. I couldn't move. Darkness surrounded me–there was a ringing in my ears that didn't seem to want to leave.

         “(y/n)...”

Where am I? Wait… The cemetery, Secondo… Terzo, Copia… The last thing I remember was Secondo screaming something. The rest was a blur in my memory. What exactly happened?

“(y/n)!”

Secondo? Why was he screaming? I think he’s screaming at least; everything feels as if I was floating through the clouds. My head was pounding.

“Are you there, principessa?”

I groan, the light blinding me as I try to open my eyes. “What happened?” I was in desperate need of a glass of water.

“You were beginning to lose control.” He turned his head to the side, looking towards the mausoleum.

The realization dawns on me, and with a small burst of energy, I try to sit up, “Terzo… Copia…”

“They were not real. Only illusions.”

“Oh…” I tried to sit up; my body, however, had other plans. The world around me began to spin; sighing in defeat, I lay back down. Secondo looked down at me. He looked lost in thought, a look of worry etched on his face.

“I may have gone just a little too hard on you.” He paused, looking anywhere else that wasn't me. “I should not have pushed the limits… I’m sorry.” It was so low I was surprised I heard it, and my head snapped toward him. I don't think I ever heard him apologize for anything before.

He looked like a lost kid,  unsure what to do, let alone say. He let out a long sigh looking towards me. He offered me his hand. Helping me sit up before pulling a juice box out of his back pocket.

“Did you have that in there this whole time?” I ask, thankful for it. It took everything in me to not down it in one gulp.

“This isn't my first rodeo…” There was that far-off look 

“What do you mean? I thought I was the first?”

“No. The first antichrist, yes, but not the first hybrid to have stayed in the Abbey.”

“Who was it?” I had to know. This was the most I have ever heard about this. I knew others had a demon parent, but to know there was another here was.

Secondo’s gaze moved back to the mausoleum for a moment before snapping back to me. He didn’t say anything, just looked.

“Come on, you can’t just say that and then not tell me!”

He seemed to hesitate but knew I wouldn’t stop until I got an answer. He sighed, “My wife…”

“YOU WERE MARRIED!?” I bolted upright, ignoring the pain in my head. I didn’t mean for it to come off like I was surprised. I was, however, beyond surprised to hear that Secondo, of all people, was married.

He only nodded, “She was the daughter of a ghoul and a man of this earth…”

“Well, where is she?” I could help but push more.

“She died a few years back…” A far-off look in his eyes.

“Oh…”  There was a moment of silence that passed between us.

“We’re going to try something different today.”  Secondo’s voice echoed around the halls. He wasn’t wearing his usual robes. Instead, he was dressed in a white button-up shirt and black slacks. He had his sleeves rolled up, exposing the tattoos on his arms. He was carrying his staff in one arm. He was moving with little urgency, but I was a nervous wreck.

This morning started with me receiving a rather large book shoved into my arms by a waiting Secondo and very little explanation of where we were going. In fact, this was the first thing he had said to me since I made it to his office door this morning. I started to fear that he was finally sick of me being late.

“Can I ask where we’re going?”

My arms were starting to hurt from just how heavy this book was. It was well-loved, as if it was out of someone’s personal collection. There wasn’t a title, but it looked old and essential.

“The graveyard.” He said it so nonchalantly.

 I stubble over my steps, almost falling. “I’m sorry, what?” So this was it, wasn’t it? So this was how I was going to die.

“Calm down; I’m not going to kill you,” He cast me a sideways glance. “ Mio fratello avrebbe avuto una crisi, per non parlare del cardinale.” I really need to learn Italian…

 I gulp–my grip on the book only tightens. I didn’t even know that there was a graveyard. What would we even be doing down there? Why were we even going to the cemetery, of all places?  I could feel a pit forming in my stomach, one I hadn’t felt in quite a while. I take an uneasy breath.

The large doors at the front of the Abbey came into view. Each step is met with the pounding of my heart. I couldn’t tell you, but I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. It felt like I would fall into it if I weren’t careful.  

The blinding afternoon mid-April sun nearly blinded me. The forest surrounding the Abbey seemed to breathe with each passing breeze.  The feeling wasn’t going away; if anything, it was getting worse. We were only getting closer to the forest.

“We will be back before sundown. Others know this and will not come looking for us until then. Do you understand?”

My breathing was picking up, but I nodded my head nonetheless. I have an awful feeling about this. This isn't going to end well. The sound of snapping thighs and crushed leaves echo in my ears. They seemed so far away.

Up a little bit from the path was a clearing. A fence lined the outside; several large boulders lay near the entrance. Graves lined the grounds, some older than others. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a mausoleum in the distance. There was an energy that radiated from this place. We were not alone; whoever else was still here with us was very old.

         He continued despite me falling behind. His assurance from earlier didn’t do much to help with the ever-increasing sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I picked up my pace so that I wasn’t alone. This place was beyond creepy; it felt like my every move was being watched.

He comes to a sudden stop. I collided right into his back, crashing to the ground.

“Throw something at me.” He was being so nonchalant with every word he said to me. I was left in a state of shock. I honestly really wasn’t sure how to react.

“I’m sorry, what?” I looked at him like he had three heads, slowly bringing myself to my feet. Was he looking for me to do something to have an excuse to kill me? But he said others knew we were out there.

“You head me, throw something at me.”

I slowly bent down to grab a stick before he stopped me, “No, not like that. Use your powers.”

 “I can’t do that.”

“You can, now, do it.”

“I can’t throw something with my mind.”

“We can either do this the easy way, and you stop hiding from yourself, or we do this the hard way, and I won’t be so nice. We are running out of time here principessa, and my patience is running thin.”

I gulp, looking toward one of the smaller rocks in the area. Settling on the smallest I could find, I tried to do as he asked. I could feel myself straining, but it didn’t move. Despite my best efforts, the rock did not move. Finally, I could hear Secondo let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine, you chose the hard way.” He clears his throat. Snapping his fingers, the book I had been holding springs to life. The pages fly open as he brings his staff to the grown.  His white eye starts to glow.  “Now, you will fight me like your life depends on it. I am your enemy in these moments, and I will not stop until you cannot fight anymore.”

“Now, let's begin.” The word came from all around. It was almost impossible to tell where he was even despite being right in my sight. The whole atmosphere changed with his words. A chill ran down my spine.

He lifts his staff, bringing it barreling to the ground. A thunderous clap sounded off throughout the graveyard. A ring of white and orange flames sprang to life around us, trapping me in here with him.

“You cannot run this time, Principessa.” It almost didn't sound like him anymore. A low rubble echoes around me, and I try to regain my bearings.

This had to be a test, a joke even. There was no way I could do this. Then, a bright flash of orange and red whizzed past my head.

Ok, maybe he wasn't joking.

I could hear him muttering something in Latin as another ball of fire missed my body. He really wasn't joking; I don’t even think this is the full extent of what he could do. How was I going to get out of this? What do I do? Do I run, or do I hide?

Running wasn't exactly an option; a wall of fire was blocking my way. I couldn't stay here, though; he wasn't letting up–I could take cover for a second so I could at least think of what to do. I make a run for it taking cover behind one of the gravestones. It’s not much, but at least it was something.

“Come on, do we really need to do this?”  It did little to stop Secondo’s attack–continuing to throw the balls of fire toward the stone. Ok, think, what can I do to stop him? The heat of the fire was starting to get to me; sweat was falling down my body from either the adrenaline or just how much I was moving. I really wasn’t sure.  

Fire, that’s it. Ok, focus. Remember what he taught you. I take a deep breath, trying to get something to happen. Focus.

I could feel my hands heating up. A spark was forming in between my hands.  Focus. I can do this. Finally, a tiny ball of flames erupts in my hands.

“Yes!” I threw my hands up in victory. The ball of flames going with it. It flew towards Secondo, missing him completely and landing in the space beside him, leaving little more than a scorch mark on the earth.

Secondo turns his gaze towards my misfire. A dark laugh leaves his lips as I return to take cover behind the gravestone.

“Is that the best you can do?” He practically roared, throwing the ball of fire back towards me. I just barely managed to dodge it. “Do you think the enemy will go soft on you? Attack me!” He raises his staff once more.

“Stop it. I can’t do this.” I lift my head, peeking out to look at him.         “You don’t have a choice. The enemy does not care what you can and can't do. They only want you dead.” He paused for a moment. “Or would you rather they kill those you care about?” He points his staff to the side, his eyes turning to look in the direction, “Vide quid vult”

I could see two figures beginning to appear out of the corner of my eye. Terzo and Copia materialize out of thin air—a look of horror on their faces. Despite whom had summoned them, they still seemed utterly horrified by what was happening. They stood there motionless, only letting out ragged breaths; they looked like they couldn't move even if they wanted to

“Leave them out of this.” I could feel what little control I had left me. I seriously didn’t want to hurt him, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“They will not stop until you are destroyed. They do not care who gets in the way.” His eyes break from me, looking towards one of the large boulders that stood unmoving at the gateway.

“Praecipio tibi, ut tollas de somno tuo” Pointing his staff to the side, the boulder began to lift from the ground. He hurled his staff in the direction of my boys. The boulder follows his command. 

“No!” I don’t know what came over me. It was as if time had stopped; everything was moving so slowly. My legs were moving without me having to think about it. I could feel every beat of my heart racing as I desperately tried to reach them in time. Reaching them just in time for the boulder. I brace myself for impact. All air left my body as the boulder rammed into my outstretched hands. It fell to the ground with little resistance.

 Taking deep breaths, I looked behind me; they weren’t there.  I could feel what little restain I had left me. I could feel my body changing. My gaze snapped to where Secondo stood.

Terzo and Copia stood by his side—the same look of horror present on their faces. Secondo looked utterly pleased with himself. He let out a dark chuckle; a smile was plastered on his face. This was the most alive I had ever seen him before. “Good! Now the real fun begins.”

I screamed–even that seemed to have changed into something monstrous. I couldn't recognize my own voice, but I didn’t care. Charging towards him at an inhuman speed, despite this, he still managed to dodge me. It only served to add fuel to my anger.  I could feel the snakes Lucifer had put on my side burning with every move I made, but it didn't stop me. I couldn’t stop. I had to get to them.

Dodging every shot of fire, he threw at me with an accuracy I never knew I could possess. I make my way to them. I could feel an icy fire on my face, the cold air hitting me with how fast I moved. I was getting closer. The last bit of control I had left me as I let out one more demonic scream.  

This was the only time I have ever seen him show true fear. The cockiness he had completely vanished from his face. His eyes had finally returned to normal. He sprints to where I have collapsed. “Prohibere!” 

 I could barely make out the feeling of him flipping onto my back. My vision faded in and out, and I couldn't hear the word leaving Secondo’s mouth. My head was pounding.  I just wanted to close my eyes. Yeah. I should just close my eyes.

  “Are you ok?” It was distant despite him being right next to me.

The world around me goes black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck, it felt like there was a boulder on my chest. I couldn't move. Darkness surrounded me–there was a ringing in my ears that didn't seem to want to leave.

         “(y/n)...”

Where am I? Wait… The cemetery, Secondo… Terzo, Copia… The last thing I remember was Secondo screaming something. The rest was a blur in my memory. What exactly happened?

“(y/n)!”

Secondo? Why was he screaming? I think he’s screaming at least; everything feels as if I was floating through the clouds. My head was pounding.

“Are you there, principessa?”

I groan, the light blinding me as I try to open my eyes. “What happened?” I was in desperate need of a glass of water.

“You were beginning to lose control.” He turned his head to the side, looking towards the mausoleum.

The realization dawns on me, and with a small burst of energy, I try to sit up, “Terzo… Copia…”

“They were not real. Only illusions.”

“Oh…” I tried to sit up; my body, however, had other plans. The world around me began to spin; sighing in defeat, I lay back down. Secondo looked down at me. He looked lost in thought, a look of worry etched on his face.

“I may have gone just a little too hard on you.” He paused, looking anywhere else that wasn't me. “I should not have pushed the limits… I’m sorry.” It was so low I was surprised I heard it, and my head snapped toward him. I don't think I ever heard him apologize for anything before.

He looked like a lost kid,  unsure what to do, let alone say. He let out a long sigh looking towards me. He offered me his hand. Helping me sit up before pulling a juice box out of his back pocket.

“Did you have that in there this whole time?” I ask, thankful for it. It took everything in me to not down it in one gulp.

“This isn't my first rodeo…” There was that far-off look 

“What do you mean? I thought I was the first?”

“No. The first antichrist, yes, but not the first hybrid to have stayed in the Abbey.”

“Who was it?” I had to know. This was the most I have ever heard about this. I knew others had a demon parent, but to know there was another here was.

Secondo’s gaze moved back to the mausoleum for a moment before snapping back to me. He didn’t say anything, just looked.

“Come on, you can’t just say that and then not tell me!”

He seemed to hesitate but knew I wouldn’t stop until I got an answer. He sighed, “My wife…”

“YOU WERE MARRIED!?” I bolted upright, ignoring the pain in my head. I didn’t mean for it to come off like I was surprised. I was, however, beyond surprised to hear that Secondo, of all people, was married.

He only nodded, “She was the daughter of a ghoul and a man of this earth…”

“Well, where is she?” I could help but push more.

“She died a few years back…” A far-off look in his eyes.

“Oh…”  There was a moment of silence that passed between us.

“How?” I should stop talking, but I could not help but want to know. She was like me… That was the most I have ever gotten to help explain what I am, and if I could get more out of him, then maybe I should press a little bit more.

“A rogue angel took her from me…” His voice was unsettlingly even, but there was a fire in his eyes. It was an anger I had never seen before, not in him.

The air around us had changed. It was as if the very spirits themselves were angry. I shudder; I don't know what I should say. The tension in the air was thick.

“She died in my arms.” he finally whispered, staring at the mausoleum once more. If I didn't know any better, it almost looked like he had tears in his eyes. They were glossed over like he was in a different, much simpler time.

“Are you ok?” I ask, my hand coming to rest on his shoulder.

This seemed to snap him out of it. He turns to look at the hand, letting out a rather long sigh. “To be completely honest with you, no. But it gets easier with time, or at least that’s what they tell me. Love is a blessing and a curse. Yet I would do it all again if I could just hold her one more time.”

I stared at him dumbfounded. I don't know what to say. We stayed like this for a while, his words repeating in my mind. Maybe I was in more danger than I thought I was. I didn’t even know angels were able to kill others. Not only that, but what does that mean for me?

I couldn’t tell you how long we sat like that. We were both in our little worlds, our thoughts racing. I glanced over at him to see him staring at the ground. I bring my hand to his shoulder, breaking him from his thoughts. He snaps his head up to look at me. I offer him a smile–one he does not return. His once-tense body relaxes under my touch as he lets out a long, drawn-out breath.

“We should start heading back. I’m sure mio fratello and the cardinal are wondering where we are.”  He finally said, looking towards the sky. The sun was beginning to set– the light was leaving the graveyard, and an ominous glow was beginning to cast itself around the grounds.

The walk back was, for the most part, quiet. Secondo led the way, his staff clicking with every step he took.

“You remind me a lot of her.” He finally broke the silence. “Both of you were stubborn beyond belief; you never know when to quit. It’s something that I admire about you principessa.”

“Who are you, and what have you done with Secondo.” I retort, not really sure what to say. He was doing a good job of throwing me for a loop today. “I never exactly took you for one to fall in love. You really give the silence suffering alone kinda type.”

“I never thought I would until I found her. She called me out on many of my behaviors and brought out the best in me. I don't think we would have this conversation right now if it wasn't for her.”

“I figure you would take love for weakness,” I mutter. 

“Love is not a weakness. You are not weak for being in love–it makes you all the more powerful. Don’t forget that piccolo.”

I’ve never heard him talk like this before. He was genuine with his words; nothing was hidden behind them.

“Thank you for today. I don’t think I could do this without you.”

We were approaching the edge of the woods. I could make out two figures waiting for me. One was pacing back and forth, while the other looked like he was sitting down. A soft smile formed on my face as the realization dawned on me. Terzo and Copia were waiting for me. Dispute everything; they were still waiting for me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My pace quickens as my thoughts race. What I had been feeling for them for months is now hitting me. I was hopelessly in love with them. I was in love with them and was scared of what that meant. Secondo’s words replay in my head. I trip over my feet, slowing up. My realization was still fresh in my mind.  

As if sensing my hesitation, Secondo let out a soft chuckle–a similar smile made its way to his face, “Go to them.” He nudges my shoulder--throwing his head in their direction. I look towards him, a silent understanding passing between us. I turn my attention back to my boys. I took off to where they stood waiting—a new fire lit in my heart.

There really was no going back after today. I have too much riding on me. I was done hiding from myself. Now it was just time to stop hiding from how I felt.

[queer-advice-hotline]

Hi Synn! I already thought your name was cool just looking at it, but then I actually pronounced it and I was like 😮 so awesome. Anyway, not the point. I need help :(

Okay, so I'm queer and transmasc 17-year-old Ohioian living with conservative parents. While Ohio may have many problems, the process of starting hrt as an adult and changing your name and legal sex seem relatively painless. I intend to see planned parenthood on my 18th birthday about starting t. I'm also going to start my legal transition within that week.

HOWEVER. Small (huge) problem. I'm not out yet, as queer or trans. My birthday is in mid May, and I want my parents to have at least a little time to process my gender stuff before I start transitioning, so I want to come out around a month beforehand (I'm too scared to do it earlier than that). I also want to come out as queer before that. They'll have a much easier time with the queer thing than the trans thing, and coming out as them separately with time in between would certainly be easiest. When my sister came out as a bisexual, it took about six months for it to just be normal. We are WAY past that point. I know it'll take less time with me since they've been through it before, but still. The clock is really ticking and the longer I wait, the harder coming out as trans will be.

Two problems. One, I'm not ready. I've been trying to convince myself to come out as queer for about 6 months now, and I'm just so scared. More pressingly, however, is that now is a VERY bad time to come out. My dad, the much more accepting of my parents, is away almost constantly taking care of his sick mom. The only reason he'll stop is to get and recover from a surgery he has to get in the next couple months. Between him not being here to help my mom through this and the high stress situation of his surgery makes me feel like throwing the queer bombshell right now might not be the best idea. But we don't even know when the surgery will be yet.

I'm really nervous about the whole thing. I want to make this as easy as possible for them, but I let my fear push me past my window of opportunity and now I have to wait a long and unknown amount of time to tell them I'm queer. If push comes to shove, I AT LEAST have to be out as trans by May 3rd and out as queer by mid April. But I don't know if even that will be long enough removed from the surgery stuff. I know there isn't really anything you can do, or I can do really, but I'm scared :( help?

Trying to force yourself to come out doesn’t seem to be helping you, so step one would be to take a step back and stop making it seem like this hard deadline you have to meet. I get that it can seem stressful, since you want to transition as quickly as possible, but I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere by trying to rush.

You said your sister has already come out, so reaching out to her for support may be helpful to you. She may be able to provide some tips, or even be there with you when you do it to support you.

As for fearing a bad reaction, I know his may be hard to hear, but waiting to come out until you’re financially independent may be more helpful, in case things go badly. Coming out as queer may be alright, and if you want to do that, go for it. But seeing as your parents haven’t had any experience with a child of theirs being trans, you don’t have a guarantee on how they’ll react. You can always start by talking about a “trans friend” you have. You can also mention a trans celebrity or anything like that to see what their reaction will be.

If you are absolutely dead set on beginning your transition when you turn 18, it will be possible to hide it from them for a while, to give yourself time to adjust to the change, but then you run the risk of them finding out before you want them to.

Since you said your father isn’t home much, maybe telling them over text will be easier for you, and you can have your sister or any queer friends you may have help you word it or be there with you when you send it. If you decide to have a face to face conversation, having someone else could still be helpful.

[fatuismooches]

Hello smooches, its been a while. I hope that you are doing well (also pls don't push urself too hard) 🙏 sorry for disappearing (again) and not answering ur question since i'm taking the past few weeks to recuperate from my illness, and now i feel a lot better! The doctors said that i can finally go back home around mid-April to early May after 6 more examinations (i really want to go back home, i'm dead bored staying in this glass room 💀 bcs i can't do anything besides watching doctors and nurses going back and forth, reading fics, watch yt videos and play games on my phone)

Okay, now back to ur question about "have i watch the theory about Capitano being the Bloodstained Knight" and the answer is yes, i watched and read a LOT of that theory around the internet. Its really fascinating! Also, there are some theories that Capitano is Imunlaukr from Sal Vindagnyr (iirc its from Dragonspine?) One of the founding clans of Mondstadt. And then there's "Menogias (the Geo Yaksa) = Capitano" Theory too. There are a lot of theories about him still going around to this day 😂 and i just consume all of it

Also //leaks\\

have u seen some Capitano crumbs on Mika's character story going around lately? When he saw Capitano, even with that helmet of his, it is described that Capitano have "eerily dark blue eyes that 'glows' with an uncanny aura". His EYES literally "GLOWS" 😶 at this point, is he even a human now?? 😭 mans got that "glow in the dark" eyes. That is REALLY cool but also very scary.

Just imagine u were walking in Snezhnaya's forest at night trying to find some wood for ur kitchen fuel and then u accidentally came across this man, looking straight into ur soul with his glowing dark blue eyes 💀💀

I think i'll have a massive brainrot over this newfound info about him omg u give me a small 🤏 crumb about him, i'll go feral and unable to sleep at night and will thinking about him non-stop for WEEKS 😭 (i think i understand why my siblings wanted me to stop playing Genshin until i fully recover lol 😅)

Anyways, i really hope u have a very nice day and don't forget to take care of yourself smooches 🛐💞 i can't wait to see more of ur works and random rambles with other anons and users!

-🥝

HI MY LOVE!!

I’m so glad to see you in my messages again💕🙏 And don’t even worry about it, I’m very happy you’re doing better and don’t push yourself either☺️☺️

Hehe I should have known you watched it, you are literally the Capitano connoisseur 😅!! I never heard of those over two theories until now, I read a bit up on them and I would have never thought of that… I still like the Bloodstained Knight one the best. It sounds the most possible to me…

*Mika Character story leaks below (it’s just one detail abt Capitano tho😭)

I actually didn’t know until you told me😭😭 I’m surprised no one is really talking about it BECAUSE IT’S LITERALLY AMAZING???!! CAPITANO CRUMB HELLOOO? I’m so glad we know his eye color now, it’s only a little piece of info but I still devoured it🙏 I genuinely cannot wait for an official art/cutscene with the glowing eyes, he’ll look so majestic! And tbh, I’m not sure, I think he may be human but with an extended lifespan? Either way he’s so…😍😍 But yes you’re so right I’d be panicking so hard if I just saw him staring at me like that.

But ahem… imagine those eerie eyes become soft when he looks at you 🥺 I can’t help but think about his normally narrowed analyzing eyes that usually scares everyone become gentle with you. At first he didn’t even know he did that until you pointed it out 💞 He gets embarrassed about the things he does unconsciously around you 💞I also have this random hc that when he gets shy he clears his throat embarrassedly 

I’ll definitely be brainrotting with you over this 🥝 anon omg he’s so cute🥺. But WAIT MAKE SURE TO GET YOUR SLEEP OKAY YOU NEED THAT!!😭💗💗ILYYYY I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOOOOO <33

[keikourameshi]

CHAPTER 1

Keiko’s POV

Seeing you walk away was too much for me to handle; for each and every step you took, every distance you make, it was as if you were taking my breath with you. I was suffocating.

Slowly, I was losing sight of the only, most beautiful thing I've ever seen all my life.

Painfully, my soul was crushed.

The feeling was terrible. It was tearing me apart inside, little by little.

And just like that, these tears that I never knew existed, fell.

I wanted to run to you. I wanted to wrap my arms around you. I wanted to scream your name. I wanted to hold you, pull you back, pull you closer and never let go.

But no. I was standing there like a brick wall. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

But if there's one thing I did know.. this pain was slowly killing me.

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

THREE YEARS LATER

It was mid-day. The sun beamed through the window. Keiko woke up at the sound of her cell phone ringing.

Someone was calling.

The name "Ayame" flashed on the screen. Keiko didn't answer the call, letting it ring until it stopped.

Then a text message popped up.

****

From: Ayame

  Hey Keiko! Where are you? Why didn't you come to class? Are you okay? Call me.

****

 "It's this late?? I should've been at school. " She’s in trouble, she thought to herself as she had never missed classes before nor had she ever skipped one.

But in a split second, that suddenly didn't matter. The memory she had from that night flashed in her mind. Again.

As the moment played back in her memory, the familiar pain burned through her chest.

The next thing she knew, the tears that had been in favor of torturing her eyes, fell again.

These tears, this pain, this pathetic situation she’s in will not change anything. It’s not like it’s going to bring him back. So why the hell was she acting like all these sulking will do the trick? 

She laid flat on her bed, with immense regret pouring down like rain. Thinking of how stupid she was for not doing something to make him change his mind.

All her life she had always found ways to get what she desired; like having good grades for example, being the best in class among all the students at her school, and getting great friends, -stuff like that. The point is, she didn’t let herself down. But why couldn't she have him?

And why? Why is it that for a brief moment, she thought she'd always be happy for the rest of her life?

And now, it’s kind of ironic how in every waking hour, she'd have to convince herself that he'll see the light and show up on her door, apologize, pull her close, wrap his arms around her, and tell her he'll stay, for good.

‘I'm suffocating. Just thinking about that kills me.’ she thought.

Finally, Keiko got up, walked to the bathroom, and stared at the mirror for what seemed like forever.

Her eyes, they're swollen. Though that's not new to her anymore. 

Those eyes.. those eyes used to see him. Those eyes used to gleam, and sparkle whenever she smiled because of him. But now, they’re empty and lifeless. Those eyes used to close whenever she kissed him.

Kiss. Her lips used to do that. But now, they're crusty and pale.

She sighed, taking in every bit of her image through the mirror.

‘This face’ she thought ‘It's boring and lifeless. But that doesn’t matter anymore. Because you're not here. Are you?’ She asked in the air.

Once again, she sighed. It was time to clean up, she still had to go to class.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN HOUR LATER

The school bell rang, and everybody was in their usual element, chattering the day away.

It was April, everyone seemed like they couldn’t wait to play their silly April Fool's prank on people.

The atmosphere was calm, and happy, given that she's going to an all girl's school made it easy to avoid a rowdy crowd.

Though on the latter part, even if it's not April, Keiko believed she’ll never get used to such a happy atmosphere.

"Keiko!" she turned to the sound of someone calling. It was Ayame, walking in her direction.

"There you are! Where have you been, crazy! What happened to you?"

'Great. I am so in the mood for answering questions!' she sarcastically thought.

"I overslept. I forgot to set my alarm." Keiko answered.

"Right. Like I'm supposed to believe that." Ayame teased.

Keiko chuckled at her response.

Ayame knows what she’s been about.

Though she may not be the kind of person Keiko would share things with by choice, she still found the need to let it out.

Surely, there was Kuwabara, and Shizuru. They would understand what she's going through in a heartbeat.

But they are too focused on making a better future. How can she burden them with her troubles?

There was always Genkai.

But what could the old woman say to her to make her feel better?

Genkai was a woman of truth and practicality.

Keiko was willing to bet on the fact that all she will hear from Genkai is for her to move on with her life and stop dealing with his absence.

Also, Genkai lives in the mountains.

As a student council president, she didn't have the leisure of spending every weekend on hours of train ride just for the sake of having a shoulder to cry on.

Atsuko, on the other hand, doesn't have any clue of his reality.

Sure, she frequently visits to make sure she was okay, and that she wasn't drowning herself with alcohol every now and then.

But Keiko cannot simply tell her how she feels if she cannot be completely honest of what her son was truly up against.

So that leaves Atsuko out of the picture.

And there was Ayame, always waiting for her to open up about what has been going on in her head.

"So what happened this morning? Am I in trouble?" Keiko worried.

"No. Stop overreacting. You only missed 2 subjects and then there's everyone else who’s been missing the entire term." She joked as she poked Keiko's shoulder.

But what Ayame said reminded Keiko of him. Even she couldn't keep the thought of him away.

"But hey, I've got news to change your mood." She began, as they walked down the hall.

"What?"

"First, Mr. Takanaka's looking for you. He wants the reports from last week's meeting at his table today by 5:30. He thought you weren't gonna show up today though.."

"Okay. Thanks. And?"

"And, the exchange students are here from the Academy."

"Okay. I'll just check in with Mr. Takanaka later."

"Err too late. They are already here. They started classes today. One, in particular, sat at your desk this morning by the way."

"What? Wow. Please remind me never to skip classes again." They both laughed as they entered the next class.

"He's very cute by the way! He did mention something yesterday about being single!" Ayame said, nodging Keiko.

"As if Keiko would be interested. It's like you're trying to play matchmaker with a bachelor and a brick wall, no offense" another female said, pointing to Keiko.

"Yeah what's up with that Keiko? Why are you so allergic to guys?" 

"Standards are too high, I think." 

"She's still waiting for prince charming to sweep her off her feet."

Her friends joked as she stayed silent throughout the conversation.

'She's still waiting for Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet." She repeated the comment in her head.

Little did they know, she really was waiting for a certain Prince, to sweep her off her feet.

'How ironic.' she thought.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6:00 PM | SAME DAY.

"Thank You, Ms Yukimura. You may go home now." Mr. Takanaka bid as she handed him some files.

She smiled at him in return and turned to the door.  But before she could touch the knob, it slowly turned and the door opened.

On the other side was a boy, just around her age. She has never seen him before, he must be the new student.

He greeted her with a smile as he entered the room.

"Ahh, Miss Yukimura. Before you leave, I would like you to meet Mikuri Moto. He's one of the exchange students from Meiou Academy. He's the Academy Representative” Mr. Takanaka explained.

"Miss Yukimura, ofcourse! You're the Student Council President, I'm pleased to meet you."

"Likewise Mr. Moto." Keiko greeted with a smile.

"Please, just call me Mikuri, Ms. Yukimura." he insisted.

"Keiko. Just Keiko. Nice to meet you Mikuri. I'm sure you'll like it here."

"For sure! With a student council president like you, I definitely will love it here!" He smirked. 

Keiko smiled softly, but there was something behind his response that made her feel uncomfortable.

She shrugged and bid him goodbye, and went straight home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was midnight. She was too tired from doing her homework for the past couple of hours.

The silence of the room was broken by a phone call.

Only a phone number flashed on the screen.

"Who could this be?" she thought. She found it irritating for someone 'unimportant' to be calling her this late.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Hello?" she repeated. No answer came back. She hung up.

"Jerk" she murmured.

The sound of a flipped page of a notebook, the ticking of the clock, the sound of a horn of a vehicle on the nearest highway somewhere, the sound of her breathing, the sound of her heartbeat, and the funny silence of the room, were all killing her.

She sighed. Nonchalantly putting down the notebook she had been reading for the past hour.

"I'm tired. I guess that's enough for tonight" she said to herself.

She got up, crawled onto the bed, and tucked herself under the warm blanket.

After a long day, it was nice to find comfort under her sheets.

Slowly, her eyes closed. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The weather was cold. It rained in the morning.

Rushing home was the only thing she looked forward to this day. 

Reaching her home, she noticed that their restaurant was not open. Her family owned a small Diner in the neighborhood.

Odd, she thought as her father didn't say anything about not opening today.

"Im home!" she greeted. But no one answered back.

"Mom? Dad?" she called, searching the house.

"Are you guys home?" Still, no answer came. Maybe they went somewhere, she thought.

"Well, they could've told me." She shrugged and went straight up to her bedroom.

She was cold, "A hot bath and a cup of hot coffee sounds good right now."

But before she could touch the doorknob in her room, a sound of a fallen object was heard behind the door.

She stopped. Could it be her Mother? or her Father perhaps?

"Mom?" she whispered, noticing that her door was slightly open. 

"Mom?" she called as she entered her room. But to her surprise, the room was dark.

The only light she could see was the light outside shining through the window.

She felt scared. No one was in there.

"M-mom? Dad?" she panted.

But then, something suddenly came out of the darkness and strangled her from behind, covering her mouth with what seemed like a hand.

She struggled. But the suspect was too strong for her.

She kicked and fought, using everything humanly possible to defend herself, but she was thrown across the room. 

Pulling herself together, completely dazed, she saw the tall, dark figure slowly approaching her. 

It was a man. Looks like he’s in his late 30's, she guessed.

Who was he? What does he want?

With nowhere to run, he picked her up and pinned her against the wall.

"What am I gonna do?? What am I gonna do?" she thought to herself in panic.

He stared with those eyes, -those piercing eyes burying his look on her. It was the most frightening eyes she had ever seen.

"Yusuke.." she yelped.

The man in front grinned, hearing her call for him. It seemed to make him feel excited as this had him pinning her harder against the wall.

"Y-YUSUKE!" She cried.

Within a split second, he threw her across the room, and quickly ran in her direction, pulling out a pocket knife from his pocket.

"YUSUKE HELP!!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--She got away from the chair in adrenaline, falling to the floor.

Panting, chasing her breath, sweating.

It was a dream. It was just a dream.

With caution, she looked around the room making sure that there was no one else there, but her.

She sighed in relief, realizing she fell asleep while studying her homework.

She chuckled in disbelief. This was the first time that it happened.

She got up and fixed herself, picked up her cell phone, and laid on the bed.

Looking at the screen, it was past three in the morning.

"oh wow.." she sighed as she rolled under the blanket and tried to fall asleep.

But the dream a while ago flashed. It was a weird dream. “Stupid-weird”.

Could it mean something? She paused. It was strange. 

Wanting to make sense of it, she thought maybe it reflected the situation she was in: Feeling alone, and helpless in a dark room with her monster, desperately wanting to be saved by him. 

Suddenly, she humphed, as she found it funny how even in dreams, -even in the weirdest dreams, she still called for him.

"I'm right," she whispered.

"I’m never gonna get used to this. Never." She sighed.

And with that, she fell fast asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------

2 MONTHS LATER

It was a busy day at school. 

Keiko was too caught up with schoolwork and council activities.

She hardly had time to hang out with her friends, as the past few weeks had been hard on her.

Though this kind of routine wasn't exactly new to her, it was just that she wasn’t what she used to be, unlike when she had all the spirit to do what she does, when she had every motivation she can find, when she was once inspired.

But all that seemed to have disappeared.

She hated it. She hated how all along, she wasn't depending on herself, but on the one person she always knew she loved as much as she loved herself.

The coldness of the room touched her skin.

The light of the sun setting lit through the glass window.

She looked up at the orange sky that was slowly fading away.

Sunset. She scoffed. There was that uneasy feeling rising from her again.

She looked down, her face turned dim.

"Sunset," she thought as she found herself reminiscing about the past.

Sunset. That one sunset she'd never forget.

---------

The scent of the ocean lingered around her nose.

The sun setting across the horizon lit the shore.

The wind caressed her long chestnut brown hair.

The sound of the waves echoing.

The breeze of the wind whistling, and the laughter of her friends as they played tag in the sand was music to her ears.

His eyes. His eyes stared into the water.

His smile, -his beautiful smile was so carefree.

His arms wrapped around her as they sat on the shore. 

He always made her feel so secure.

Her head laid across his chest as she listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

She decided it was her favorite sound in the world. 

His warm breath touched her cheeks, and she slowly turned to face him, giving him a warm smile.

As he returned the gesture, he moved closer to her face and kissed her passionately.

Right there, she decided that this was the best sunset she ever had.

--------

And she was right. So far, it was the best sunset she has ever had, doubting it'll happen again. 

She was lost for a moment, quickly brushing the thoughts away.

Neatly, she piled the papers in order and left the room.

It was almost dark outside. She should be getting home.

She turned the lock and wore her bag over her shoulder.

"Hi!" A male voice greeted.

Looking up, she saw a familiar face smiling at her.

"Hi. Mikuri it's you." she turned. 

He chuckled. "Yes, I'm sorry to startle you."

"No problem. It's late, why are you still here?" she asked.

"I knew you were still here so I figured I'd wait and walk you home. It's dangerous for a woman like you to be going home this late."

He said. This caught her off guard, she wasn't exactly comfortable about it but she found him nice enough to do that for her.

"Oh. T-thank you, Mikuri. That's really nice of you." She smiled back.

The two walked out of the school and down the streets of the highway.

"This is really awkward." She thought. 

Keiko was not the type of girl who likes hanging around with guys she doesn't like.

She keeps a few good friends and she's perfectly happy with them, but being stuck with someone she barely knew gave her the creeps.

"So, Keiko. You always come home this late?" He began, wanting to break the silence.

"Uhh, most times, yes. I'm used to it though." she smiled.

"Well if you want I could always walk you home, you know. I wouldn't mind." he proposed.

"Thank you, that's really nice of you to offer Mikuri, but I'm fine." she rejected.

"No really, I'm okay with that, I can wait and walk you home every day. I really wouldn’t mind." he offered still.

This is one of the many things that get to her nerves easily. She has zero patience and tolerance for pushy guys such as this one. 

'Man, take a hint!' she thought.

"Seriously, I'm fine. You don't have to do that for me. I sense that you just want to earn my friendship but, hey, you can do that in many different ways." she said, hoping she didn't offend him.

He chuckled. 'what's so funny?' she thought.

"You read people good enough Keiko. I'm impressed."

Crossing her eyebrows, she thought 'Huh? Where did that come from? This guy is weird'

She smiled at him in return for the statement.

"But on a serious note," He paused and stopped her from walking, taking his hand out of his pocket and inviting Keiko to an open handshake.

"I'd really like to be your friend." he continued.

Keiko stopped in all confusion. Mikuri seemed nice, and he seemed like a gentleman.

'It's not so bad, Keiko' She reminded herself. 

It wasn't because she didn't want to make friends.

Why wouldn't she?

But it was because every time she was about to make friends with the opposite sex, it always felt like she was betraying him.

The feeling doesn't make any sense.

But it always managed to stop her, successfully.

She sighed and carefully reached for his hand.

"Why not?" she smiled.

"Well, this is me," she said as they reached her front door.

"Your family owns a restaurant? Wow."

"It’s a diner. You wanna come in?" She offered. But deep down, she wanted him to leave.

"Hey, Keiko, who's your new friend here?" A voice from behind the door asked. 'Oh thank goodness!' she whispered in relief.

"Oh, Hi Dad, this is Makuri, he's a new student at school. He was just walking me home" she said.

"A new male student? How did that happen? No offense" Slyly directing to the young boy.

"I'm only an exchange student, sir." Mikuri responded with a smile.

"I see. Oh, well that's nice of you young man, Thank you for walking my sweetheart home." Her father regarded.

"No problem sir." he smiled back.

This time, Keiko was giving her Dad the “please make him leave" look.

"Honey, you look tired. Why don't you go in and rest? You don't have to help out at the kitchen. We can handle ourselves." Mr. Yukimura insisted.

"Okay. Thanks, Dad, I needed that." Keiko smiled.

"What about you, young man? Would you like to come in?" Mr. Yukimura asked.

"Oh no thank you, Sir. I should be heading home." Mikuri returned.

"Alright! Go home safely!" Mr. Yukimura bid.

"I'll see you tomorrow then." Mukuri said, turning to Keiko.

"Sure!" Keiko replied.

After Mikuri left, Keiko looked at her Dad and thanked him for saving her.

Mr. Yukimura felt a strange feeling in his gut as he watched the young boy walk away.

At one point, he was surprised that Keiko had finally made friends with someone new, referring to Keiko’s old friends such as Kuwabara, and Yusuke. 

He was aware that Yusuke had to leave, but Keiko didn’t want to talk about him, later realizing his absence had caused a great deal of depression to fall on his daughter when he left.

He wasn’t happy about it, but it did seem like the only thing that can make her feel better at the same time.

He knew the boy, ever since him and Keiko were four years old.

He knew all too well how their relationship progressed over the years.

Was he angry that he caused his daughter such pain? 

Yes. But what could he do? His own daughter didn’t want to move on, let alone hang out with anyone else.

Keiko was smart, he was sure of that.

He is just hoping that she is smart enough to pick herself up from this mess.

“Keiko, honey. Are you alright?” Asked Mr. Yukimura

“Yes Dad, I am.” Knowing what her father had truly meant by the question, she only smiled.

“Keiko, I know, this isn’t a good time, but, I am happy you’re finally hanging out with someone.” Mr. Yukimura nervously commented, knowing this might give the wrong impression to his daughter.

Keiko was silent. She didn’t know what to say.

Although she wanted to tell him it wasn’t going to be permanent, and that he shouldn’t keep his hopes up, but she also didn’t want to break his heart, after hearing him say that ‘he was happy’.

How could she take that away from him?

Sure, her father just wanted whatever is best for her, and that includes her happiness, wherever, and whomever it may come from.

She knew he was hurting too, he was there, as he watched her smile fade, and life slowly disappeared in her eyes, ever since that day.

She felt guilty. 

But she wouldn’t dare have it any other way.

Nothing in the world made sense anymore. So why would she bother?

--------

10:00 PM | SAME NIGHT

"a-n-x-i-e-t-y  anxiety, Japanese word, shinpai."

"p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e patience, Japanese word, tamerai"

"h-e-s-i-t-a-t-i-o-n hesitation, Japanese.. gaman" 

Sitting at her desk reviewing her studies, she sighed.

She picked up her cellphone and stared at the dial pad, for what seemed like minutes.

She had tried calling the same number too many times before, to no avail. 

It came to a point where she pretended to be talking to someone on the other line when she felt lonely, and when she felt the need to talk to someone who mattered.

But it’s been quite some time since it happened. Would she try again?

'It's no use.' she thought as she gently put her phone down.

It was pathetic. She was aware of that. But so what?

She stood up and walked across the room when something outside caught her attention.

Peeking through the window, she noticed that a street light was going on and off.

'How bizarre. What's with that light?' she shrugged.

And just when she was about to close the curtain, her eyes caught a figure standing outside of her house, facing her window.

Her eyebrows furrowed.

It was a familiar figure.

Perhaps, too familiar.

Just then, her heart skipped a beat.

'No' .. 'it cant be' she thought. Time seemed to have stopped so suddenly. Everything was a blur.

Her eyes widened. Her breath trailed. Her knees weakened as if she was going to fall on the carpeted floor.

'No.. No.. No..' her mind kept saying, though her mouth was left hung open.

She was dumbfounded, suddenly not knowing what to do.

A cold shiver ran down her spine. She couldn't believe her eyes!

Tears started racing down her cheeks.

She was suffocating.

Her chest tightened and her stomach felt like she was going to throw up.

"Yu-..Yu.." She wanted to scream his name. But no words were coming out of her mouth.

All she knew, was that her eyes were locked onto him, just as his eyes were locked onto hers.

But then, slowly he turned and slowly walked away.

"No. No! Don't go" was all that her mind could say.

She quickly ran out of her room, out of her house, attempting to come after him.

But when she got out, he was gone.

She was panting, turning in every direction.

'where did he go?' she wondered, catching her breath.

"Yusuke!" she cried.

But he wasn't anywhere anymore, not even a trail of his shadow.

"No. I'm not gonna lose you again!" she cried as she ran in search of him.

It was almost midnight. The wind was cold, the streets were dark and empty. 

She kept running. "Yusuke!" she yelled.

"Where are you?"

Tears were still forming in her eyes.

But in a moment she stopped, not knowing where to go anymore.

Catching her breath, she realized she doesn't know exactly where she was.

Her feet seemed to have taken her far, but that didn't matter at the moment.

All that mattered is for her to find him. She had to find him!

"Come on, you couldn't be that far!" She said to herself.

"Where are you?!" she kept looking around. But darkness was all that there was.

She panted. After a long time, she saw him again.

Even if this was another dream, another cruel dream, the only thing she wanted to do, was to find him.

But being alone on an empty street wasn't a good thing.

Instead of running, she started walking.

Carefully realizing she might've just brought herself into danger.

'Stupid Keiko.' she told herself.

Should she turn back now and go home? Or should she continue finding him?

At war with her own thoughts, weighing what was more important. Him? or her safety? She couldn't decide.

How could she be careless!

Suddenly, a sound was heard from a corner.

It was pitch black, she couldn’t actually tell what it was, or what caused it.

This made her shiver in fear.

Knowing it could be something that would harm her, she began to walk away, fast.

But where was she supposed to head?

She had already lost track of where she had been, or what turns of the street she took.

"Oh my.. I really am lost," she said, speeding up her footsteps, as she crossed her arms across her chest due to the cold atmosphere.

For a moment, it seemed like a good idea if she had brought her phone with her, or at least a jacket.

The dress that she had worn all afternoon and her flats weren’t really a fashion choice for the cool air.

The soft, thin blue cloth hung just above her knees, her bare skin creating goosebumps due to the cold.

But she was in such a hurry, she didn’t know what she was doing at the time. 

Suddenly, another sound came from behind.

And when she turned to look, her eyes widened, and her heart began beating hard against her chest.

Three tall, grown men were walking in her direction, with malice spread across their faces.

"Come here, sweetheart! Don't run!" one of them called out.

She heard but she didn't listen, instead, she ran as fast as she could.

But little did she know, the corner she had turned to was indeed a dead end.

'figures!' she thought.

"Didn't your mom ever tell you not to wander at night?"

Keiko looked around in panic, trying to find an escape route, but to no avail, realizing she was surrounded by walls. 

The floor was wet, and there seemed to be shards of broken glass all over. 

'What am I gonna do?' her mind filled with these kinds of questions.

Pleading for her life wasn't exactly in her vocabulary, but that seemed to be the last option to survive.

"What do you want?!" she asked in an angry tone.

One of the men laughed and teased. "That's a secret" 

"Help! Help!" She cried.

"Shut her up!" and with that, two of them came at her; one held her arms and the other hit her in the head, making her fall to her knees, causing shards of glass to slice into her hands, thighs and legs.

She cried in pain but was almost dazed by the pain in her head. 

"Hold her up!" One of them demanded.

Keiko's vision began to blur, not to mention it was hard to see in the dark, all she knew was that she was tightly held up by her arms.

The pain in her head became more intense. 

What did they hit her with? She didn’t know.

But whatever it was, it was hard enough to make her start to feel like she was going to pass out.

There was something wet and thick dripping down her forehead but she couldn't come to what it was, was it blood?

"D-d.. don't," she said under her breath.

She could hear their laughter, and at the same time, she was losing consciousness.

“We got a pretty one this time, eh?” One of the men said.

“Yeah, looks like I’m going to really enjoy this one!” The other one laughed.

As she felt the cuts and wounds sting on some parts of her body, suddenly, she fell hard on the concrete floor.

The last thing she heard were frantic screams, footsteps running, and someone pleading for his life.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Author Notes: I hope you guys enjoyed the story! I'm obvs a big fan of YYH. I just wished there were more to their relationship than what was portrayed in the anime/manga. Let me know what you guys think! Chapters 3 and 4 will be posted soon!

[orphicpoieses]

The Orphic Blog

Hi and welcome to my first "Orphic Blog". I actually cannot believe, that this is my first entry, since I announced this series in late December... But sometimes, things take time.

Anyways, let's dive into recent stuff, shall we?

To be fair, my life feels a bit stagnant. Maybe, that's because I haven't much to do lately. University starts Mid-April and until then, I have some kind of vacation.

Most of the time, I sit at my laptop and write. My inspiration flows steady like a river, today is the first day in a while, where I feel a bit exhausted to write for too long. So I take it easy. Just because I had a week full of 1k, 2k or nearly 3k words a day, it doesn't mean that I cannot take some rest to recharge my imagination.

Instead, I feel like writing this blog post, a little bit about my life.

Do you know this feeling of motivation, when you just watched the latest video of one of your favourite content creators on YouTube? I often feel that way with writing when watching Christy Anne Jones' videos. Even though, our aesthetics vary so much (she is more on the Dark Academia side, I'm more cozy and minimalistic), I makes me want to write more for my project.

But after everyone calls their writing projects something like "Project XYZ", I asked myself, what I would call my projects? And I don't know. Maybe I would call them "Project Feather", "Project Rose" and "Project Marble". Actually, I am laughing at these project names right now, while it took me solid 10 minutes to pick three nouns for them. Most likely, I will just call them "my project". I'm not good at names...

Just rambling like that feels somehow strange. Talking to no particular audience is weird. It's like talking to a wall, waiting for it to response xD

Sometimes, I think about moving away from Tumblr, not because it bothers me, but because I don't think I can share anything with my small audience. Last summer was nice here. I had literally a schedule for all my posts and ideas! Maybe, it comes back with my routine in university, who knows.

But I guess, I'm going to make some nice cold Matcha Latte now and come back to my project, trying to hit that 1k mark today as well. I have many ideas, I think I can do that. After that, the manuscript would sit at 5.5k words probably and my chapter would come closer to its end.

Hey, I'm curious: If you read until here, if you still stick around after this very long post, tell me in the comments or in the tags, how long your chapters normally are. What is the word count you strive for in a chapter? 2k? 5k? Or even more?

Until my next blog! Take care! 💕✨

~ Mimi

Tagging from the tag list: @midnight-and-his-melodiverse @eli-writes-sometimes @lockejhaven @365runesofwriting @thetruearchmagos @yourfriendlywriter @moonlitinks

[duckseamail]

Jobs are so annoying. In March I sent in my application to the tutoring place I worked at last year. There’s a new director so my old boss couldn’t just hire me back unfortunately. After a few weeks I hadn’t heard anything so my mom said I should email the new guy and just ask if I could work over the summer. I did that and he emailed me back saying it would be great to have me back and that since I would be a returning employee and am now a college student, he’d like to give me a bit of a raise! Which was great!

So then, it had been a few weeks and was early april, about a month until I came home. So I emailed saying, hey I’ll be back in town on this day in May, should I come in later that week to fill out paper work or come up with a schedule?

I’d been offered my job at the tutoring center by the previous director and so it was easy to set things up, but since I’d never actually applied to a place for a job I had figured emailing when I would be back and ready to work was good. After a couple weeks he emailed me back (mid april now) saying he was still waiting to hear from the owner of the center. I’m not sure what he’s been waiting on but now I’ve been back for a week and I haven’t heard anything since that last email. My mom says I should just go in and be like hi. I’m back in town, let me know about a schedule perhaps. But that feels so pestery and also frustrating on my end??? I’ve already reached out twice and initiated the process of getting a job where I used to work and was told that I was wanted. Why do I have to be the one to keep asking and asking about this??? Shouldn’t it be on the person who said he would like to hire me????

[sxtaep]

Hey author,, one of your readers from India, I hope you're doing well.

I actually came with a request, right now like during this month, we have our Board examinations going on and idk if you've heard about anything like this becoz I too don't know what exams the foreign countries hold.

Regardless, can you please not give any updates before 21?????

I won't be able to focus with my already curious ass 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ik it's too much to ask for and it might end up being quiet annoying for other readers but please, if you can, please don't 😭😭💔💔

hello!!! I WOULD LOVE TO CATER TO EVERYONE’S NEEDS BUT I WONT BE ABLE TO DO THIS, IM SORRY 😭😭😭

my updates are already incredible scarce as it is and i wanna get a couple things posted before the 21st as i will not be posting/working on anything until mid april, and i don’t wanna delay and have the majority wait even longer for updates, i’m sorry 😭💗

CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT, REMEMBER !!! you should keep me blocked until after your exams, do for your own safety 🤣

wishing you all the best with your exams 🙏🏼💗

[iphoneartgirl]

I Have Received 14 Awards in the 2023 Julia Margaret Cameron International Awards for Women Photographers!  The works above will all be on display starting in mid-April at the Fotonostrum Gallery in Barcelona, Spain, along with works from other award winners from around the globe. I was hoping I could figure out a way to attend the opening, but I can’t.

I received word about these awards at the close of 2022. But to say that the news was overwhelming would be putting it mildly. This is why I’ve waited until now to share the news here.

Following the loss of my home, studio, all my tools, my garden and all my work to the Almeda wildfire, I drove a motorhome I bought to live in after the fire 11,000 miles around the United States. I immersed myself in nature, visited old friends, and asked them for help in recovering my mind, my identity, my sanity.

When I returned in June of 2022 and set up camp in my motorhome on a hill in Ashland, Oregon, I was mostly still in a state of shock and bewilderment. Confounded and flabbergasted. I spent the summer walking around Ashland connecting with agencies set up to help wildfire survivors and seeing friends. But it was hot, uncomfortable living in one place in a motorhome, and I was always expecting more fire. I felt in no way grounded. Always afraid. 

By the time it started getting cold again I was still camping. In the cooler days, I began to imagine, however tentatively, that I might one day share some mobile images again. Maybe some from my trip, some of my meditations and deep experiences of both pain and steady transformation. Nevertheless, I still felt so vulnerable. So discombobulated. So tenuous about whoever I had thought I was before the fire. So unclear about who I might become as a senior artist who had lost all evidence of her previous life and her work.

It was in that state of mind that I decided, one November morning, to send some of my mobile images to the International Julia Margaret Cameron Awards competition for women photographers. The entries didn’t cost much - a huge motivator since I’m broke now. Why not? I thought of my entries as a kind of trial balloon, particularly the images I entered from the Almeda Firewalk Series that I’ve been working on since 2021.

I expected nothing and figured that if anything I sent got any kind of attention from the juror, Barbara Davidson (a woman whose courageous photography I have admired for decades), maybe I could reinvest in thinking of myself again as a living photographer and mobile artist. If not, I could just keep on drinking my way from one day to another, wondering when I should just pull the plug on this life.

Getting the news that not one or two - but almost ALL - of the entries I submitted had received awards put a serious dent in my stupor. For a couple of days, I danced around on Facebook and called and told old friends. I couldn’t have felt more delighted or more affirmed in my creativity and I took the awards as evidence that I hadn’t actually lost all my skill even if I didn’t believe that myself. I lost everything else, right?

But the thing about trauma recovery is that it’s anything but linear.  Survivors don’t just go from sad to elated and stay there. We remain afraid. Stunned. Suspicious. Doubtful. And isolation can easily remain our best friend. We know how bad we still feel. And we know how everyone who knows us just wants us to feel good again and go back to where and who we were before the trauma. They’re tired of hearing about the pain. So we stop telling them about it. We get quiet and we hide out.

Hence ... the time it’s taken for me to feel up to making this post here today.

I told my friend, John, this morning that over the last month I am starting to feel  that my mind may actually be healing. A bit. After two-and-a-half years. Yes, I’m still the iPhoneArtGirl. Yes, I still make mobile photographs and mobile art almost every day. And maybe, just maybe, I will one day be able to courageously share more here than an awards announcement.

Tomorrow morning, I’m planning to venture out to a speed-dating event at the Medford Library. I don’t know what’s going to happen there but it’s my hope to have a few minutes of conversation with private foundations and government funders who I can imagine could use the Almeda Wildfire Series to serve their stakeholders. I’ll be looking for partners who might see it in their interests to help me take all the pain and the transformational gifts I’m starting to experience into community conversations with their stakeholders in communities of all sizes around the state.

I know there are people like me all across Oregon who need to re-connect much more substantively with their neighbors so all of us can BELONG TOGETHER AGAIN even if the political trance has people believing we can’t. There are such large climate, environmental, housing, medical care, educational, economical, ethical and spiritual challenges ahead. We cannot meet them in isolation.  

If you read this far, I thank you warmly for your time, your consideration, and your care. Namaste.

[cloudstrife-bbs]

Pupdates, or Unofficial Lack Thereof

Cloud is now 4½-weeks-old.

I still don't know which one has been assigned to me. The puppies are all still too young but, according to the breeder, beginning to show temperament. She says she's still a few weeks out from testing them, which to me, translates to 7-weeks-old before proper testing can be performed and assignments can be made. Plus, her constant repetition of "end of April"--- they'll be 8-weeks on April 16th, which is mid-April. Which also implies that she's keeping them until 9-weeks, which means he won't come home until April 20th or 21st.

Which, truthfully, feels like absolute torture for me.

I trust in my breeder to accurately place my puppy, and that's having a tremendous deal of faith in her. This is a decision for the life of whichever one Cloud ends up being, but she has to do this eleven times. Because the litter is so large, I have to share time and attention with at least ten other families. It would be nice to have a more personal relationship, but I sadly feel like this is gonna be another Sevit's Corgi situation: Money changes Hands, and the relationship is over, for the most part. Business only. Especially because Cloud is only a pet and not a show dog or a sport dog. I don't want to feel robbed of a potential friend and a potential network, especially because the breeder and I are both New Englanders, but I do feel robbed.

The breeder told me that she was going to have an Open House-type of Puppy Party on March 30th, for all the new puppy parents. (I don't know if I mentioned this in my last blog entry.) We are planning to bring up Cloud's very expensive, brand new Impact brand crate with puppy divider. (I hope it lasts as long as it says it does because I want it to be a dog heirloom for future Berger Blanc Suisses for the moolah we coughed up for it.) She also said to bring a towel/blanket that smells like us, and a toy, just for him. We bought him a squeaky plush Mr. Carrot, just like Bolt. We actually got multiples in case the toy doesn't come back with us. We've been sleeping with the towel to make sure it REALLY has our scent on it, but I also have another old bed sheet that I'm bringing to make his crate a bit cozier. I still don't know what time we're going to have to be there by (I asked once already, but received silence), but I'm going to shoot her a text on Monday asking again, trying to be as non-intrusive and friendly as I can in spite of my rampant anxiety. It's a 3.5 hour drive from here to there, and I would very much like to know how early in the morning we have to start out, especially if we want to avoid traffic on I84 through Hartford. I like to plan my life out accordingly and not wait until the last second.

The house is getting cleaner and cleaner and more puppy-proofed. Everyone is excited, waiting for more news about Cloud, but I only have very little to share. It's frustrating, and to be honest, it's contributing a lot to my stress and anxiety. I have all this love in my heart I am just waiting to pour into a puppy, and I feel fit to burst without anything to direct it into. I know that a new dog will be a challenge, but it's a good, healthy challenge that I'm deeply passionate about. I don't have any delusions that this is going to be a cakewalk. It's going to be sleepless nights at first, and lots of puppy biting and him not wanting to listen. Hundreds of repetitions of words as I teach him human language and proper manners. Definitely a lot of pee and poop on my kitchen floor as his body grows.

A lot of "Let me see what you have!" "A knife!" "No!" Hahaha!

But lots of playing, and new experiences every day as I socialize him to things like construction noises, grooming, and our every day life. He has to get used to loud sounds like nail guns, air compressors, miter saws, hammering, all manner of power tools, and I've already educated myself on how gundogs are trained to get an idea of how to desensitize him. He's going to go to puppy class for extra exposure to things, and I want him to learn to be calm and cool, nigh unflappable if I can shape him to be that way. But it's going to take tremendous hard work, discipline, consistency, and at least two years of puppy/teenage bullshit to get him where I want him to be. I'm no stranger to the process; it's just been a decade since I had a puppy. Dogs are to be my life's work, and I may be pushing 40 (I'm turning 38 this September), but this is only the beginning of my purpose. If the Spirits help me through their wisdom and kindness, my legacy will be my Dogs. They are my children.

Cloud: which ever puppy you end up being, I know you'll be brilliant and extraordinary. You are already my hero. You have no idea the darkness you're saving me from. You're going to have an incredible life with us, and you are worth this excruciating wait. I love you, so much. Mommy and Daddy are waiting as patiently as we can until we bring you home.

[oldageandtreachery]

Tuesday

Accomplished a little. Got my families visit planned and my sister did an itinerary that my case manager was extremely impressed by. I still have to put in authorizations for each day and each place but she removed a lot of them as not needing additional permission/approval. I now only need to do like 6 authorizations instead of like 20. Found out getting a phone prior to being approved is essentially pointless. I can order a flip-phone for like $100 and pay for a contract and that flip phone can have maps and browsers and whatever since it's not a smart phone but I can't buy a smart phone until I'm approved even if I only have a phone/text contract with no data. The restriction is apparently based on the phones individual capability not on the phone plans capability even though we have no wifi or anything here. Flip phones apparently aren't smartphones no matter what so it's totally fine to get one of those without approval but then I'd have like a 2 inch screen and a useless phone once I'm approved... So I think I'll just wait.

We had our first "house meeting" since I've been here which if nothing else made clear we're absolutely still in BOP custody as any maintenance complaints or really any questions at all were "we're working on this as of today we have no resolution" whether the issue was from last week or months ago. Minor maintenance issues like a computer with no internet also get bumped for major issues like the bathroom is flooding... That's fine except the computer hasn't had internet since February 15th at 6:28am according to the event log and it's now April 25th, oh and you know generally plumbing and computer connectivity issues aren't handled by the same person so maybe both could be fixed by different people at the same time...?

I volunteered for neighborhood cleanup at the house meeting which I guess is just walking around for a couple hours looking for trash, lets me go outside without a pass or anyplace to be so that should be nice.

Narrowed my phone choices down for when I can have one to either a Note 9 (last one with a headphone jack) for a super cheap option that still works decently and has a lot of features. A Note 20 Ultra for a mid range option that still has software and security updates for at least another year or two so I wouldn't need to buy a new phone unless I wanted to not because I needed to. S23 Ultra is the expensive phone option as it's pretty much walking away with every editors choice and top phone award anywhere I look in every category...

[bootyyysh4ker9000]

Hey I have seen that your requests are open!

So what about a rise Leo x reader in which the reader is the niece of Big Mama but like reader uses always a human disguise so the reaction of Leo of his crush being related to Big Mama! (+ If reader looks more like Undertale Muffet in the sense of more humanoid spider better)

Actually it would be cool if it was a one shot or HC with all the boys-

(plus if the reader can be fem or NB)

I might send you some more asks since I have a bunch of ideas so is okay if you don't do this one, only that I found it interesting.

Thank you- anon ✨

Hi omg I love this idea!!!! I'm gonna write it in the form of hcs with all the boys :)

Also yes please do!!! I want more requests for writing so I def won't mind!!

Rise!Turtles with an s/O who's related to big mama

Raph ❤️

this poor boy

he's smitten with you-

he thought you were one of April's human friends, and he was excited because you were so cute

but no. just wait

when you revealed to him (and the guys) that you were a mutant they were SO SURPRISED???

"WOAH YOU'RE A SPIDER!"

"yeah she kinda reminds me of big mama!"

"oh big mama? that's my aunt!"

"WHAT??"

they're a little suspicious to say the least

Ok on to the ACTUAL relationship hcs

is in love with your extra arms. give him shell scratches with your 6 ARMS

in love with you even more than before!!! hand in marriage, please??

he gets so relaxed around you, y'all never fight or anything

until,,, he told you about their quarrels with big mama

"you WHAT?" you shrieked at him.

"well I've been meaning to tell you it's just there was never really a good time-" Raph sunk into himself, feeling guilty that he never told his girlfriend about the incident about the web goo

"Honey you couldve asked me!" you took off your cloaking brooch, spinning a web in between your fingers"I can make that stuff too y'know."

donnie heard that and will now do favors in exchange for your,,, spider goo,,

one time you got free pizza for a month, because you have him some of it for the Oozequitoes

Raph feels bad so he asks the guys to stop getting involved with big mama

surprise, it happens anyways. while you're with them.

"my dearest y/n, what are you doing with the turtley-boos? I thought I told you to stay away."

"Ma, they're really cool- these people are my friends, can you please stop attacking them?"

yeah she tries to stop being mean. but when she finds out about raph,,, all hell breaks loose.

"how DARE you corrupt my baby?!"

"MA! stop!"

"I mean,, if you hurt her I will rip you limb from limb."

raph feels terrified.

don't even get me started on the love stink.

smells like chocolate and roses every time you come over

however, he does also have a lust stink so if you guys are gonna go that far,,, you might wanna leave

save your dignity girl

Leo ✩

he thinks you're SO COOL.

will 100% ask to ride on your back

if you say yes, he will cry with joy

if you say no, he will cry.

develops a crush on you when he sees you fighting some foot goons

they were about to attack him and you swooped in while taking off your brooch, looking like a superhero transforming in mid-air

he's in love, sorry.

y'all start dating?

hold him with your arms.

you have enough to hold one of his hands right? or give him a hug

SPIDER KISSES.

WITH YOUR WEB.

upside down, surprise him and give him a kiss

he won't be able to function

finding out you're related to bigmama though?

panic

he's a little more on her good side than the others- bit he's scared that she's going to take you away

what he was not expecting was this.

"you're DATING the turtley-boo? oh well, as long as you're happy"

WHAT????

she let's them both know that they're still gonna fight, big mama just won't kill them now.

overall? went better than expected.

still cautious though

Donnie💡

he just wants to study you at first

doesn't know a lot about Spider mutants(yokai in your words) and wants to figure out how it works.

literally you don't like him at all for a while sorry 💀

after you talked to him about his weird little...experiments, y'all become good friends

sitting in his lab, lending an,,,, extra hand HAHAHAHA

anyways

he's super appreciative of your help.

only really develops a crush when you give him some of ur 'spider ooze' because you knew he needed some

he's all "omg omg she gave me something without me having to ask 😭"

when he finds out you're related to big mama?

uhhh yeah no thanks

he doesn't really care but at the same time now he has to be careful cause like

he doesn't really feel like getting killed today

surprisingly Big mama isn't super mad, just annoyed.

"out of all the options you chose HIM???? ugh ok"

likes she's more grossed out than mad

when she finds out you've been giving him spider ooze? NOW she's mad.

"YOU'RE GIVING HIM AN ADVANTAGE OVER ME, THIS WILL DAMAGE MY REPUTATION!"

"MA PLEASE"

relationship wise donnie is really awkward at first

not into touching, but he will make an exception for you ONLY because you let him examine you

he only gets to study your spider-ness after y'all are dating

MIKEY 🎨

Crush at first sight.

human or yokai

he's just enamored by you

you guys become immediate besties!!!

spiders are very social creatures so him and you are together 24/7

he really starts crushing when you reveal you're a yokai

that spider fluff on your chest and cute little antennas?

man's is swooning

hugs. hugs hugs hugs.

he wants to stuff his face into your spider fluff and be held like a baby.

his brothers are the ones who help him confess

it's with a really really cheesy love letter

but when he finds out you're big mama's niece? cool!

he thinks thats awesome. now he has another parental figure

big mama likes him the most, so if you're genuinely serious about your relationship, she will be too.

"oh good for you my beautiful y/n! and... you too I guess."

big mama kinda approves? still fights em though she doesn't really care about that part.

Mikey is big on cuddles and kisses, so whether it's human or yokai form will change how you guys cuddle

yokai? you're big spoon.

human? he's big spoon.

kiss attacks in the middle of whatever you're doing, just because he feels like you deserve love.

will make you kandi and gifts 24/7

he loves you so much

smitten

a/n THIS WAS SO FUN AGHGH PLEASE KEEP REQUESTING!!!

you can tell who my fav Is