#and now every thing i saty she twists and interprets as me being difficult and childish and having a tantrum
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#i wish i could make my mom understand that when im finally moving out and gone she will prob never have to deal w me again#she complains so much#she says so many hurtful things#sometimes when i've manage to keep myself together and not mess up ...#i get lulled into beleving it's all fine. and i forget that we have a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship#bc as soon as i make one MISTAKE. say ONE wrong thing.#or anything she doesnt like or approve of. as soon as im not a quiet perfect subdued child#who doesnt disturb or annoy her#she completely just. like idk the metaphor.. i forgot. but she just clams up kinda idk?#it's like suddenly she just slams the door in my face and shuts me out completely#and all she does is say more hurtful things and get angry with me#and tell me to just move out and go away and everything#and when i try to tell her that i will do that and never bother her again#she gets even angrier and tells me im childish for being so stupid and 'hating' her#and for like. yeah being childish and oversensitive#but????? i cant.. im just too weak. too sensitive to deal with this#to in sense be 'perfect' in the way that im not allowed to slip at all. im not allowed to slip up in the tiniest#i made a mistake bc im so fkn anxious i feel like im shutting down. and she just got mad and upset at me#and now every thing i saty she twists and interprets as me being difficult and childish and having a tantrum#i havent felt like this in a while.. so i forgot that she does this. shes done this sm times and it makes me feel so guilty for even existi#but she calls me selfish and weak for even voicing thoughts like i dont wanna exist#i feel like she actually doesnt care abt me bc ever since i was a child i've tried reaching out for her#for her to help me bc i wanna dword. and not keep going on#but she just tells me im selfish. that other ppl deal w that too. nd i just need to suck it up and deal w it. does she not care if i would.#and i have so often felt like w me she is the child. she has tantrums. she lashes out on me. she ignores me. gives me the silent treatment.#im NEVER allowed to get upset w her. im never allowed to ignore her. and now when i made a fkn mistake she immediately thinks im doing it i#a malicious way and that i want to mess with her. and she doesnt even let me explain bc she just decides that everything i say is bullshit#i just feel like absolute shit now. i rlly did forget how she makes me feel. and its so hard bc i feel even worse now bc she makes me feel#ike this. then she gets even more mad at me and guilting and shaming me for being upset. so my body is shutting down bc idk what to do#and i've always been shown and taught that im not allowed to exist or be anything or anyone. everything hurts so much rn
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