#and no8ody interacted with me outside of masto and it got REALLY REALLY FUCKING FRUSTR8ING REALLY QUICKLY
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figuring urself out.. is weird
#clove rambles#personal#its like when youre a kid youre 8usy figuring out what things are and learning 8asic shit yeah?#and ppl will just 8e like 'this is sadness. hug 8lanky and youll f33l 8etter!' 'this is anger. yell into pillow and f33l 8etter!'#and as a kid youre just kinda like ok sure whatever thats how it works now mom what the fuck is 5 + 7#8ut then like. at least for me its that you spend the rest of ur t33nagerhood 8eing so... Not That#and going w8 i dont experience this thing normally at all and then you have to spend god knows how many years picking it apart#and p33ling 8ack every layer and analyzing every last grit that got stuck in there#like the past few months and may8e even this year in general? has just 833n me processing like. friends and shit#cause i went from 2018 ideal social situ8ion with just some issues with like. idk 8eing overly mean for 'jokes'#to having One friend left that didnt h8 me to when i joined masto and suddenly had#literal dozens of half-friends#and i think i expected them to get how unsatisfying that situ8ion was socially and eventually step up and talk to me on discord and shit?#and some WERE discord friends and that was nice 8ut like...#for the most of them i think they came DIRECTLY from tum8lr so masto's like.. interaction system was SUPER SUPER fucking intim8 for them#8ut for me its like. only like 70% of the way there#and no8ody interacted with me outside of masto and it got REALLY REALLY FUCKING FRUSTR8ING REALLY QUICKLY#and its left me with a kind of permanant displeasure with like... friends in general and im constantly mad at nearly everyone to some degr33#to the point of wanting to isol8 myself again sometimes and its like. what the fuck. i havent 833n this mad since i was fucking 12.#what the fuck happened. what the hell do i do. why am i like this
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