#and my work is 10 minutes from the house but his is 30 so we’re like trying to coordinate rides and shit

[dangraccoon]

yo adulting sucks ass

[logansargeantsbabymom]

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Oscar Piastri x Fem!Reader , Lando Norris x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warning: cursing, douchebag Oscar, cheating

A/N: I definitely did lie to you guys, I promise you that I am working on TGTSG pt 8, it's just taking more time than I'd like to admit! Sorry and I hope this makes this situation better <3

Follow my instagram account (THATS STRICTLY FOR THIS BLOG) for updates on when i post and fun stuff like that!

Instagram

F1 Masterlist

Was any of it true? Gazing at me starry-eyed. 

“Oscar, c’mon we’re going to be late!!!” I said ushering my boyfriend out of our bedroom closet. 

A light chuckle left his lips as he emerged from the magical sliding mirror doors “Babe, it’s only the car reveal. It’s okay if we’re a tiny bit late” Oscar said as he walked over to me, rubbing a hand up and down my shoulders

An unamused look became present on my face “Baby, you know how much I can’t stand being just a millisecond off schedule, right now you have us 10 minutes behind! You’re killing me here!!” I added a bit of an exaggerated sigh as I dragged out that last sentence. 

I wouldn’t say I had OCD or whatever but if anything and I mean ANYTHING was just the slightest bit off, I wouldn’t be able to focus on whatever task was at hand before it was fixed. 

“Okay, okay. Let’s go. Thank god you’re dating a Formula 1 driver who knows a thing or two about driving fast. I promise we’re going to be there on time.” A small smile made its way on the corners of Oscars mouth as he grabbed my hand and guided me out of the house and to his McLaren.

And your Jehovah’s Witness suit. Who the fuck was that guy?

We’d arrived at the headquarters just under 2 minutes till Zak had to go up and make his big speech before revealing the 2024 season’s car.

Oscar and I tried to make our quiet entrance as to not draw attention to us being technically 30 minutes late. 

See the drivers and the workers that didn’t help set everything up had to be there at 8:00pm whereas everyone else who had a special invitation had to be there at 8:20pm and then Zak’s speech would take place at 8:30pm but thanks to Oscar just NEEDING to find the perfect outfit himself instead of just putting on the one that his assistant brought him, he made us super late. 

Lando was the first to notice our not so subtle attempt at being sneaky “Mate, if you wanted to shag your girlfriend you couldn’t given me a heads up so I could’ve made up an excuse as to why you weren’t here when you were supposed to.” 

Embarrassment flooded my cheeks at the thought of more than half the people in our vicinity thought that t and I were late because we wanted to have a quick fuck before we left 

“No Lando!! We’re not late because we fucked! We’re late because Oscar here,” I started, gesturing at the handsome man next to me “decided he didn’t like the outfit that his assistant brought for him so he had to spend an hour picking and changing his clothes until he found what he thought was best for him.” 

My answer seemed to satisfy Lando enough because he wiggled his eyebrows at us before nodding, taking a sip of his very much alcoholic drink before walking away from us. 

“Oh my gosh Oscar, never again am I being late with you. I can’t have people thinking we fuck like rabbits all the time!!!” I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face.

You tried to buy some pills. From a friend of friends of mine, they just ghosted you. Now you know what it feels like. 

Oscar left to go get both of us a drink before the lights dimmed and a spotlight was shone on Zak, who was standing at the top of the steps.

Zak looked around to get a good feel of the crowd’s energy tonight “Hey guys, I’m the McLaren CEO, Zak Brown. I’m sure you all know why you’re here tonight but in case you don’t, let me tell you why. You’re all here because you either work here or was invited. Either way, tonight, we’re all going to witness the unveiling of our 2024 seasons formula 1 car! But before we get to that part, I want to call up my two Formula 1 drivers to say a few words. Lando, Oscar, please come up here.” 

And I don’t even want you back, I just want to know if rusting my sparking summer was the goal. 

I clapped and watched as my boyfriend and our best friend walked up to make their speech, Lando being the first to take the mic.

“First I just want to say: Thank you everyone for being here with us today to do this reveal, none of this would be possible without any of you guys and that each and every single one of us here at McLaren are extremely grateful to you guys. Thank you to Zak for believing in me enough to resign me for the next 2 years and uh yeah, I’ll pass it on to Oscar now.” That last part came out with a little awkward chuckle as Lando scanned the room before passing the mic to Oscar 

“Hello, Uh Lando said the majority of what I was going to say but I also want to thank my beautiful, wonderful, loving, thoughtful, talent girlfriend for sticking by my side” Oscar started as he looked deep in my eyes as the crowd around us ‘Aww’ed us “oh and thank you to Y/N for being there too.” he added with a laugh that caused the crowd to also erupt in fits of laughter.

My face turned red and my blood began to boil. Did he really just say that? I mean I could be making this a bigger deal than it is but to me, Oscar just embarrassed me in front of maybe 250+ people, who mind you might do a little ‘story time’ on their experience there and would add that part which means hundreds of thousands of people are going to hear about how Oscar embarrassed me. 

The rest of Oscar’s speech was a blur and I hadn’t even notice that him and Lando had left the top steps until I felt his arms around my waist and my body tensed at the feeling. Oscar’s touch right now made me feel sick, who did he think he was embarrassing me like that in front of hundreds of strangers and then acting like nothing happened? 

And I don’t miss what we had but could someone give a message to the smallest man who ever lived?

I shrugged Oscar’s arms off of me which earned me a confused glare from him which I quickly shut down

“I’m going to grab another drink. Do you want anything?” It was the best I could come up with. 

It got Oscar’s touch off of me and it gave me some space away from him, which I so desperately needed right now.

“No thank you, just hurry back” Oscar said sweetly as he attempted to place a kiss on my lips that I quickly dodged. 

I saw another look of confused flash across his face but I was too busy getting far away from him as possible to notice how long his face had stayed like that. 

Over at the makeshift bar they had, I poured myself a half cup of punch before making my way to the other end of the bar to fill the rest of my cup up with tequila. I closed my eyes as I took a sip of my alcoholic punch before letting out a satisfied sigh while feeling the drink burn its way down my throat, my solo bliss didn’t last long before I felt the presence of someone near me. Opening my eyes, I was met with one of my dearest best friends: Lando. 

“Having fun?” Lando said as he grabbed himself a cupful of punch awaiting my response 

“So much fun, I totally don’t want to be at home with a (favorite/drink) eating (favorite/food) while watching (favorite/ show) right now.” I said as I let out a sarcastic laugh which earned me a glare “I’m kidding Lando. I’m having a good time, what about you?” 

“Just a good time? Why not an amazing time?” Typical Lando to only catch the first half of my sentence 

“I have a mild headache right now, that’s why it’s just a good time I’m having right now. I didn’t have time to grab or take any medicine so I’m suffering right now.” that was the best lie I could come up with, let’s just hope that he believes it. 

By the look on his face right now, he was starting to believe the lie I just spewed to him. “I think Zak has Ibuprofen in his office, let me ask him to grab you some” before I could protest, he was gone. 

You hung me your wall, stabbed me with your pushpins. 

I realized that I was spending too much time at the bar and that Oscar was going to come looking for me soon so to save him the hassle, I made my way back over to him. 

Turns out he wasn’t going to be looking for me soon because he’s too busy having some blondie all over him. She’s running one of her hands through his hair while the other is resting against his forearm. The sight made bile rise in my throat as my stomach churned, I can’t be seeing this clearly right? Maybe I actually was suffering from a massive headache and that’s causing me to see all these things, right? This wouldn’t be the first time something like this happened, granted I’ve only ever heard of a ‘headache so bad you’re seeing things’ in movies before so I can’t really rely on it being a real thing. 

Once Oscar’s gaze quickly fell on me, he pushed the blonde off of him and quickly made his way over to me. 

“Hey beautiful, you were gone for a while.” He tries to plant a kiss on my lips but I placed a firm hand against his chest to leave a gap. 

Apparently me dodging his kiss for the second time tonight really upset Oscar because he rolled his eyes before bringing his concerns to my attention 

“What is wrong with you? This is the second time you dodged my kiss, what’s going on?” I could tell there was hints of an attitude lacing his words.

“Oh geez Oscar I don’t know, maybe it’s because I come back over from getting punch and I see a blonde girl all over you and you’re letting it happen?” I can’t believe he really has the audacity to question why I’m dodging his kiss when he quite literally was probably cheating on me in public less than 2 minutes ago. 

A scoff left Oscar’s mouth as he rolled his eyes at my comment “You’re kidding right? That’s what this” he gestured in between us, “is about? C’mon Y/N, she literally is my race engineer trainee, we were literally talking about work”

“Oh yeah because talking about work requires her to be handsy with you in public in front of your girlfriend?” I can’t believe Oscar was trying to downplay this right now. 

I watched as Oscar shifted on his feet before crossing his arms “First of all, you weren’t in front of us and second of all, she wasn’t being handsy. Sarah just asked what shampoo and conditioner I used because her brother needed recommendations and I told her the ones you buy me.” 

“That doesn’t give her the right to run her hands through your hair while holding your forearm, are you kidding me?” Everyone around us could feel the tension thickening. It was so thick that you could break 2 machetes trying to cut through it. 

“Go be insecure about our relationship elsewhere, I don’t have time to deal with this right now.” I didn’t even have a chance to get a word in before Oscar stormed away from me, leaving me alone in a crowd full of his co-workers and fans with nothing but my hurt feelings and confused thoughts about what the fuck happened in the last five minutes. There was only one thing in my head right now that was clear: I need to get the fuck out of here now before I make this a bigger deal than it is.

In public, showed me off. Then sank in stoned oblivion cause once your queen had come, you’d treat her like an also-ran. 

I don’t know when I got home nor do I know how I got home, all I know is that I’m home and home is where I’m free to drown my sorrows with a nice bottle of Brothers Bond bourbon in peace. Only, I wasn’t able to have a second of peace because a rapid set of knocks were being banged against my front door which caused me to jump at the sudden sound and tighten my grip on my drink. Walking to the door with an annoyed expression on my face I was met with Lando’s somber expression. 

“Lando, I’m sure you heard about the fight and I just really want to be alone right now.” I said as I attempted to slam the door in his face but was blocked by his foot.

“Ow, I didn’t expect that to hurt that bad.” Lando started as he tried to shake the pain out of his foot “Everyone knows about the fight-” 

“Ugh, great” I scoffed

“That’s not why I’m here though-” Lando didn’t get to finish before I cut him off again

“So why are you here? I mean no offense but I want to be alone right now”

“Stop cutting me off then. I’m here because, gosh I don’t know how to say this to you” He took in a deep breath before letting it out in one long exhale “I’m just gonna show you” I didn’t get to process the words that came out of his mouth before he flipped his phone showing me a video of Oscar and Sarah making out in the corner of the room before Sarah dragged him out of the frame. 

It doesn’t take a genius to know that they we’re going to find somewhere there to have sex. The video was a total of about 10 seconds and by the end of it, tears had already fallen. It’s funny how in a span of ten seconds your whole life could change, one minute I was upset over an argument I had with my boyfriend and the next I’m watching a video of him cheating on me. The sight before me made bile rise in my throat as I felt my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces.  I never knew that loving someone could cause so much hurt, that if they did wrong by you it would feel like you were dying. I couldn’t breathe, it felt like my whole world was caving in on me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, that I was just there to watch this tragedy unfold. I never knew that someone who claimed to love you until the end of time could do something so terrible to the one person they promised to never hurt, that even after you watched video proof of him cheating on you that you didn’t want to believe it. I shared a lot of firsts with Oscar, the most important being that he was my first love, he took my virginity from me and that’s one that’s one thing I could never get back from him. Despite everything I’m feeling now, I wish there was someone who could tell me why my heart wants to go back to him. My heart yearns for Oscar’s touch, his love, his time, my heart just wants it all, everything Oscar is willing to give it. 

You didn’t measure up in any measure of a man. And I don’t even want you back, I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal. 

It’d been 15 minutes since I found out about Oscar cheating on me and the whole time Lando’s been holding me as I sobbed into his chest, I was so hurt by Oscar that I couldn’t find any sense of comfort in Lando’s touch. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to find comfort in anyone’s touch because of how bad Oscar hurt me and that’s not how I wanted to live my life. That’s not how anyone should have to live their life, surrounded by so much hurt that you can’t find joy in anything. The pain was consuming me so much that I felt like the only way to make it go away was to drown it in alcohol and that’s what I intend on doing. 

Pulling myself out of Lando’s grasp, I leaned forward and grabbed the bourbon bottle on mu coffee table and brought it up to my lips. I took one big gulp, enjoying the burning sensation I was feeling as the liquid ran down my throat. I took another long sip before the bottle was yanked from my hands. 

“Lando please, give it back I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel anything, I cant live like this.” I started to sob again, hoping he would feel bad enough to just let me drink the whole bottle. ‘

Unfortunately Lando didn’t cave into me “I know it hurts but you have to feel the pain. You have to feel all your emotions in order to get past this, I know Oscar hurt you but I’m here to help you. I’m your best friend and I want everything for you but you can’t drown your feelings in liquor, I love you too much allow that.” I almost wanted to believe the words coming out of Lando’s mouth because I know he’s not Oscar and that I can trust him but a part of me doesn’t want to trust him and Lando could sense that

“Y/N/N, I need you to believe me. I want the best for you and you know that, you know that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you but right now I need you to trust me. Alcohol isn’t the solution.” The look in his eyes were sincere and I knew I could trust him.

I buried my face in my hands as I reluctantly let the bottle go and allowed Lando to take it from my hands to lock it away in Oscar’s liquor cabinet. By the time Lando had returned to the living room   and saw my state he could obviously tell that at any given moment, I would start spiraling again and that was the last thing either of us wanted right now. I felt the sofa dip next to me before abruptly being pulled against a body.

“I’m going to hold you like this and you can talk about any and everything or we could just sit in silence but I can see it in your eyes that you want to be held.” Lando said as he rested his chin against the top of my head which I moved to look at him in his eyes.

I was able to whisper a faint “okay” as I looked in his aquamarine eyes, I never realized hoe beautiful they were until right now. Now that I think about it, everything I’m noticing on his face right now, I never had noticed before. I never realized all these little features in his face that made him beautiful, actually, I never realized how beautiful Lando was until right now. How plump his lips looked, how soft and fluffy his hair must feel against the palm of my skin, how the gap between us seemed to slowly disappear as I looked at him looking down at my lips and how soon the gap between us closed as our lips met. This kiss I was sharing with Lando felt different from all the kisses I’ve ever shared with Oscar, this one kiss alone had butterflies lighting fireworks in my stomach as I felt my broken heart mend. It sounds crazy, I know but something about this moment with Lando felt raw and real, it felt like everything I was missing in my relationship with Oscar was just found. 

The kiss consumed my whole being, I never want this moment to end. Everything felt right and nothing could ruin this moment. 

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

taglist:

@luckyladycreator2 @itsmiamalfoy @jeffs77 @ilivbullyingjeongin @forevercaffeinated-lee @daemyratwst @gulphulp @callsignwidow @f1wintermoon13 @teenwolf01 @victoriassecret101 @hiireadstuff @formulaal @eddieharrington @kazza72584 @zabwlky1999 @dark-night-sky-99 @rougekiki @xoscar03 @jess-wither @bountychanti @dhanihamidi @Ggasly.p @tellybearryyyy @a-panseuxalmess @love-simon @tallrock35 @iiaik0ii @Milkyymelanine @ilovsyou3000morgan

[hawks-supremacy]

Gingerbread House Contest with Mirio

Day 7 of 25 day of Fluffmas (Masterlist)

Word count: 1.1k

A/N: This one is just short and cute :)

:)

It was a weekend when you were hanging out with Nejire and Tamaki, usually your lovely boyfriend Mirio would be with you guys but he left saying he had something important to do. He didn’t give you time to question him before he took off and you were curious about what he was doing. One moment you were all together and the next he was taking off. It was about three hours later when he burst back through the door holding shopping bags.

“Gingerbread house contest!” He yelled. You looked at him and gestured to elaborate as that was a super vague thing to say, “We should have a gingerbread house contest. We each decorate a house and then see who’s better! I already bought the stuff for it.”

“I don’t want to do that, it seems messy.” Tamaki muttered from your bed where he was lounging.

“I’m down, it seems fun!” Nejire chirped from her spot next to you on the floor. Soon she was up and looking through the bags in Mirio’s hands.

“Sorry Nejire, this is just between me and my lovely partner! You and Tamaki are the judges so that way we won’t be biased towards our own houses.” He pulled the bags away from the curious girl.

“So, let me get this straight, you got up in the middle of hanging out with us to go buy supplies for not one, but two gingerbread houses all before even checking if I wanted to do that?” You asked. He nodded eagerly in response, excited to start this little contest. “You know me so well, come on let's go!” You said taking some of the bags from him and heading down to the kitchen, “We’ll come get you two as soon as we’re done, want it to be anonymous after all!”

“Just so you know, we may be dating but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on you.” He said as he walked by. He took the bags back that you had snatched from his hand trying to be gentlemanly but not letting his partner carry the “heavy” bags. You had to remind him that you were also training to be a pro hero so they weren’t that heavy. “I got pretty much everything we need…I think. I’ve never made gingerbread houses so I think I got everything. I watched a few videos so I got the standard kits you can buy and then extra stuff.” 

As he talked he pulled everything out of the bags, there were two standard gingerbread kits (the same one to the playing field was even), extra frosting, sugar (you didn’t have the heart to tell him the dorms already had sugar), more candy and finally hot chocolate. The last one wasn’t to help with the house but to drink while you did it.

“Okay so are we putting a time limit on anything? Or just until we feel good about it?” You asked, separating some of the stuff and moving it to the main counter for more space.

“Whatever you wanna do sugar.” He said beaming, “Get it? Because you’re holding the sugar?” He snickered to himself as you set the sugar down.

“I got it Miri, it was clever, very cute.”  You said, cupping his face and giving him a quick peck on the lips, “Alright first things first I want hot chocolate since you bought it.” He agreed and you got to work making the hot chocolate while he got everything set up. It was about 10 minutes later when you were ready to start. You agreed to terms beforehand, you wouldn’t look at each other’s until you were done and you wouldn’t deliberately sabotage each other either.

It was about 30 minutes in before Mirio broke the silence, both of you working in concentration. “Man this is harder than I thought it’d be. How’s yours going?”

“You thought this was gonna be easy? Mine’s going fine, you better not be looking at it.” You said reaching for more gumdrops. You thought you were doing okay so far, it didn’t look terrible. You had built a few of these before. You knew Mirio had never done this before, “How’s yours turning out?”

“Not so good I don’t think. My gingerbread tenants didn’t make it. Well they did but they didn’t look good so I ate them.” You chuckled at his response, continuing with yours.

“So what I’m hearing is that I have this in the bag?” You teased.

“I wouldn’t be so sure, I could turn this around, quick questions though, is there a way to scrape all the frosting off and start over?” At that you let out a full blown laugh, imagining how his is looking right now.

About an hour later you had finally texted Nejire that you guys were ready and that they could come down. “Hey! I was getting bored in your room, it's about time you were done!” Nejire said as she walked into the kitchen, you and Mirio were standing off to the side while your houses stood side by side.

“You didn’t have to stay in my room the entire time? You just couldn’t come into the kitchen. Did you go through the stuff in my room?” You asked, you didn’t have anything bad but man if she found some stuff you might’ve been embarrassed. 

“Only some of it.” She said sheepishly.

“She went through a lot.” Tamaki chimed in finally joining you guys in the kitchen, “It’s pretty obvious who the winner is. It’s Y/n.” Nejire nodded in agreement looking at the houses.

You nodded slowly, sucking your lips in. “You might want to point just to clarify.” You grumbled crossing your arms and looking away. You didn’t need to watch as they pointed to Mirios, your pride wounded.

“Hey I won!” Mirio exclaimed.

“What?!” Nejire and Tamaki said at the same time. You think that’s the loudest you’ve heard Tamaki talk.

“I don’t know, don’t look at me. I snuck away halfway through to get a glue gun because my pieces kept breaking. It started off so good too.” You put your head in your hands in shame. “Mirio ended up taking my extra pieces because I wasn’t using them.”

“Don’t put yourself down Y/n. I think yours looks great still!” Mirio patted your back in comfort as he talked.

“You’re only saying that because yours turned out so good. Let’s just eat them and forget this happened.” You started to move towards the counter.

“No offense Y/n but I don’t think yours is edible.” Nejire pointed out.

“Well obviously I meant Mirio’s!” You said defensively. The three of them gathered around and started to break pieces off of Mirio’s to eat, in the meantime you took yours and threw it in the trash, hopefully to never be seen again.

:)

Tag List: @marmoney2000 @phtmmsqrde

[duchess7878]

Part 1/2

I saw this request from tumblr user lelandswife and wanted to deliver for you! I hope it’s to your liking :) If it’s too short let me know and I’ll try and write you a longer version :)

Warnings: murder, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome

The family could only watch as Johnny tore apart the house-shouting and screaming about you. When Johnny had gone to go fetch you for supper, you were nowhere to be found. Not in the house, the barn, the shed, the car graveyard. Anywhere. Johnny at first tried to think rationally, but it didn’t last long. Within 10 minutes of searching, it didn’t take much to piece together what has happened. You left. No-you left him. The rage Johnny felt was like no other. People had gotten away before and it only ever excites him, especially for the chase, but this time was different. He was panting heavily, his chest rising and falling with every breath.

“Nobody escapes me.” He growled and immediately headed out the door in search of you. To Johnny, you were weak and he figured that you wouldn’t make it far before you’d had enough.

Johnny checked around the property for any sign of your footprints. Out by the front driveway, Johnny spotted a small indent in the dirt; one he knew wasn’t there before. He bent down to the print, swiping two fingers across the tracks before smelling it and standing back up.

“I know you’re close my little bunny.” He grinned, bloodlust and lust filling his body simultaneously.

“Why don’t you just come on out and we’ll forget this ever happened?” He lied, but hoping it would work anyway.

He wasn’t going to let you forget. When he got a hold of you, he would make sure that you knew who you belong to and you don’t get to leave. He would tie you down and fuck you for hours until you were begging for him to stop and then he’d fuck you some more. Once he was done, he planned on where he’d be carving his name onto you. Your chest? Your stomach? Leg? Arm? Neck maybe if he was careful? Either way, you’d never forget. Ever. He would make sure of that.

You were crouched down in the shed about 30 feet from where Johnny was standing. You didn’t even make it off of the property before Johnny realized you were gone. You should’ve known better, but you had fallen for him like a complete idiot. He kidnapped you and originally meant to kill you.

This wasn’t a normal relationship by any means. Johnny is dangerous and deadly, but for some reason-you didn’t care. You fell for Johnny not long into your disappearance and for the longest, you didn’t even think about leaving. You were so badly wrapped up in the fantasy world in your head, you didn’t realize you had been gone for almost a year. But it was hard to ignore that part of Johnny when he had come home the night before carrying a corpse, drenched in blood, and wearing the most sadistic smile you had ever seen. The corpse he was holding was another girl your age and it immediately hit you like a train. That was going to be you at first, but something about you was different. However, it didn’t change the fact of what Johnny was-a killer and that’s it. The year that you had spent with him shouldn’t have happened.

You were so wrapped up in your thoughts you hadn’t even noticed the jean-clad legs that had planted themselves in front of you.

“Aw, you leaving’ so soon?” He asked, leaning down and grabbing your hair, yanking you to your feet.

“Johnny wait, please.” You begged, tears streaming down my face in fear of what he had planned.

“Oh no sweet pea, we’re going back home right now.” He ordered and continued to pull you by your hair back to the house. Once there, he dragged you inside and up to his room. He wasted no time and shoved you towards the bed and you stumbled back falling onto it. He stalked towards you and crawled on top of you looking down and studying your face.

“You’re gonna be taught a lesson, one that you’ll never forget.” He leaned down and kissed me harshly biting my lip and panting heavily. You felt his hands viciously roaming your torso, touching and squeezing anything he could reach. You heard his bedside drawer open before you felt something heavy and cold being put around your wrists. He brought your hands above your head and chained you to the bed post.

“Get comfortable darlin’. It’s going to be a long night.” He warned, sitting up to begin disrobing.

Here’s part two if you’re interested :)

[hamiltonaf]

Day Off | Kylian Mbappé

Pairing: Kylian Mbappé x Female Reader

Requested: @megannandrewss

Word Count: 1K

Warnings: Major fluff

A/N: I hope you babes enjoy this. I’ll hopefully be free soon to start taking requests - I will post when you can do so. Much love .xo

It was a Monday, post match day, which means Kylian’s off for two days before he has training. As much as I love having Kylian at home, it sucked that reality kicks in and I have no choice but to study for finals that are in a week’s time. I feel awful deep down to pretty much abandon him for the day, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I was up by 7:30, the earlier I start then the earlier I would be finished. I groaned and turned over to my bedside table to switch off my alarm, Kylian’s loose grip around my waist had tightened as he pulled me closer against his chest. “Why are you up so early ?” He mumbled into my hair. “I have to study today Ky” I said as I placed my arm over his and played with his fingers. “Noo” he groaned. “Sorry babes” I pouted as I turned around in his grasp to place a kiss on his nose.

“Don’t go yet” he said with his eyes still shut. “Ky I love you but I really have to go study” I pursed my lips. “Studying can wait, these moments are more precious” he said as he tried to pull me closer and held me tighter. I sighed as I gave up arguing with him. “Only 10 minutes” I said which he hummed in reply.

10 minutes had turned into half an hour. I felt time was racing against me and I was losing. It’s as if all these past few days I didn’t get to study as much as I wanted to and procrastinated instead. Now that I felt like I left things for last minute, my anxiety was getting worse.

After some time trying to fight Kylian’s strong grasp, he eventually let me go which I headed straight to shower first. Once I was dressed in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized shirt, I quickly ate some breakfast and went to my study corner to get started.

I was at peace for an hour at least until Kylian called my name. “I’m here !” I yelled from the end of the dining table. “Aww… I thought you were joking about studying” he pouted as he stood beside me. “Ky, why would I joke about something like that” I furrowed my brows. “I thought you didn’t want to cuddle” he said. “You know that I never deny your cuddles ! Plus, you know me well by now that I’m not a morning person, why would I set an alarm on for 7:30”

“Ooh I actually forgot about that…anyway, when will you be done ?” “Not anytime soon unfortunately. Please don’t wait on me, you’re more than welcome to go out and leave me” I suggested. “Are you kicking me out of my own house ?” He raised a brow. “What ? No !” I said defensively. “I’m just joking… I’m not going to leave you alone. I planned for us to spend the whole day together. If it means me spending time alone to myself or even watch you study until I’m free, so be it” he shrugged. “Cute. But babe you really don’t have to-“ “I want to. I feel like we’re never alone so I’ll just wait” he sighed. “You’re really the best” I smiled at him as he then pecked my lips. “I know” he grinned before walking away.

I did the 20-10 study method - 20 minutes of studying and 10 minutes of a break - which was very effective considering how my last 4 hours went by so quickly. I was pretty satisfied to be done since I covered 1 whole module in a day. As I was wrapping up my work, Kylian yelled from the hall, “Okay that’s it now ma chérie. I played with Achraf for more than 3 hours now. Call it a day please” he pleaded as he finally stood beside me. “I can’t Kyky, I need to study until the evening before I’m all yours” I lied. “You’re lying” he grinned. “No I’m not” I cracked a smile. “Hmm okay, well I’d like to see you study now” he said before attacking my ribs by tickling me.

“No Ky stop !” I yelled in between a fit of giggles. “Never !” He yelled as he continued to tickle me then moving to my neck. I managed to get up from my seat and ran towards the couch. It was pretty much like a game of tag as he chased me around the lounge. Of course he’s faster than me. Once he caught a hold of me, he threw me over his shoulder and laid me down on the couch whilst straddling me. “Please stop with the tickles, I can’t breathe” I said as I caught a hold of his wrists. “Only if you are done studying for the day” he said. “I’m all yours.”

“That’s more like it” he smiled as he sat beside me and pulled me to sit upright to cuddle him. “So what did you plan for us to do today ?” I asked as I laid my head on his chest. “Well, anything really. Besides spending time with you, I wanted us to do something to relieve your stress” he said as he played with my hair. “Awww Kyky” I sat up and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. He smiled at the gesture before continuing to say, “I know how you are for finals, at the same time I don’t want you overworking yourself, you deserve a break. More importantly, I deserve to spend time with my girlfriend.” “Very very valid” I nodded along to what he said.

When we finally settled on a movie, I murmured “How did I get so lucky ?” “What did you say ?” He asked. “How am I so lucky to have someone like you ?” I pouted. He smiled, “No no ma chérie, I’m the lucky one.” “No, Kylian. I am” I raised my voice and played along. “Babe just shut up, I’m the lucky one. Case closed” he said as he pulled me closer to his chest and placed kisses on my forehead.

[arminsesposa]

Vampire (Female reader x 1610! Miles Morales)

Bleeding me dry like a damn vampire

Yes this is based off Olivia Rodrigos New song, I’m incorporating some of the lyrics as well, lyrics in between and in red.

Miles flaking on you on your 1 year anniversary. You just want the truth.🦅

DO NOT COPY MY WORK,

Reblogs are greatly appreciated! :)

As you were getting ready for your 1st year anniversary date with Miles, you were remembering, all your special moments. From when he asked you out, to when you guys would watch movies at your house, or eat dinner at the Morales’s house. You truly loved that boy. Seeing him all the time, spending quality time with him, whether it was chatting or just cuddling and the way you would catch him stare at you. He made your heart flutter. Even despite what’s been happening.

I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes

Lately, you realized Miles has been acting different. Its been killing you deep inside. You loved this boy dearly, only to have him show up 30- or an hour late to important events. The constant lies and excuses when all you asked for was the truth. You were tired of it and part of you wanted to snap. Keeping it deep down wasn’t helping as for you it was your final straw. It’s not that he didn’t love you, but he’s been ignoring you more often lately. You felt like like he’s been hiding something from you. Maybe an after school program he joined? Was it another girl? There is that blonde girl but… Miles wouldn’t. Would he? Those thoughts quickly passed through your head as you finished apply your makeup. Miles was the one to ask you out as he told you he planned something special for your anniversary. So maybe things will be better this time. You hoped.

I loved you truly, Gotta laugh at the stupidity

As you waited for Miles to pick you up, you stood there in front of your house waiting for him. You were dressed pretty fancy, as the neighbors who walked by just stared at you, you cringed deep down. You texted miles hoping he would answer but to your surprise he didn’t answer. 10 minutes passed by, as your legs grew tired of standing. Your older brother came to your rescue, as he offered you by dropping you off where you two were supposed to meet. “Maybe he has something planned for you” your brother said giving you a sense of false hope. You looked outside the window as the sun began to set. A beautiful mix of Orange and purple spread out throughout the whole sky. You had a slight smile as you remembered the numerous times Miles would bring you to his apartments rooftop. The conversations you guys would have up there. About college, life, the universe. Your brother snapped you out of fantasy as he parked his car and turned back to look at you. “We’re here”

Cause I’ve made some real big mistakes

As you entered the busy diner, it was full of romantic couples. Teenagers In puppy love, sharing a basket of fries, Sipping on a vanilla milkshake, as you made your way to the booth where you and Miles had your first date. As the server unironically on roller skates, came by and asked for your order which you politely denied. It was about to 7:30, as you rested your face on your shoulders as Miles was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago. You looked like an idiot. All these tragically in love couples having their most romantic date, as you sat alone in the booth. As you were about to give up your spot on the booth, Miles rushed in messy hair with a bouquet of roses and a polo shirt on as he sat across from you. “Hey” he said out of breath as he handed you the bouquet.

But you make the worst one look fine

The only thing you could do was stare at him as you quietly accepted the bouquet. “I’m sorry I just had to-“ Miles began as inside you snapped. You were tired of him constantly being late. Tired of him making up these excuses. Although he did plan this date, he still managed to show up 30 minutes late and had you wait like an idiot surrounded by all the couples. You wanted the cold hard truth. Although you felt like your heart was about to burst out of sadness you managed to cut him off. “Enough Miles” you managed to say in a whisper as he stared at you in confusion. “Baby what are you talking about?” miles asked in confusion. You felt like the whole diner was staring at you as you began to pour your heart out. “I’m tired of you always being late, tired of the white lies you tell me. I just want the truth. Who’s the girl? Is it that blonde girl you’re always with?” You said as your vision began to get blurry due to your tears. Miles reaction widened as he immediately shook his head in denial. “No baby, I promise you I would never-“ he pleaded. “I’m just tired, Miles” You said as you looked down, you felt your warm tears trickle down your face as you sniffled.

I should’ve known it was strange, you only come out at night.

Miles stared at you heartbroken. He didn’t know how much he was truly hurting you. With juggling being a student, son, Spiderman, and boyfriend, it was overwhelming for him. But he knew that didn’t excuse his actions. Miles felt guilty, he couldn’t tell you that he was Spiderman due to his fear, a villain taking you for hostage or even much worse. Miles didn’t know what to stay as he tried to hold you hand. “I’m not seeing anyone. You’re the only girl I want, the blonde girl, Gwen I can promise you Is just and only a friend” Miles said sincerely as he held your hand tighter. You stared at him with puffy eyes. “Why are you always late? I wait for you all the time, and I’m just tired miles. I want the honest truth now.” You state as you wait for Miles response. His heart drops, knowing that deep down he can’t tell you that he’s Spiderman. He doesn’t want to see you hurt. He would never forgave himself if something were to happen. As a quiet moment happened between you two, Miles spoke up.

I used to think I was smart, but you made me look so naive

“I’m sorry.. I truly can’t tell you. It’s for the greater good” Miles said as he looked down. He couldn’t even make eye contact with you. You looked beyond heartbroken. “Miles, you can tell me anything I promise. I’m here for you” you pleased with him. You just wanted the truth. No matter what it could be. You wanted to be by his side no matter what and whatever he needed to tell you. You were ready. Miles hesitated. He wanted to tell you everything. He wanted to tell you how it all happened. The spider bite, the way he Because Spiderman, the countless times he saved people but yet he didn’t say anything. It was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. “I can’t. I’m sorry, you can’t know” miles said in a serious tone as he looked down. You were beyond angry, as you got up and threw the bouquet of roses at him and stormed off out of the diner.

The way you sold me for parts, you sunk your teeth into me

You were done. Your boyfriend, who you felt so loved and comfortable with him, not telling you what was wrong. You wanted to be there for him, but how could you help someone who doesn’t wanna be helped. As you stormed off, all the lovey dovey couples watched you storm off as Miles grabbed the bouquet and raced after you. “(Y/N), Wait! You don’t understand” Miles begged as you slammed the door. Tears were streaming down your cheek as you felt your heart rip in half. You felt the pain of your heart breaking, as you walked through the crowds on the sidewalk. The boy you loved the most, was lying to your face. You loved him too much, but this was something you couldn’t handle. As Miles tried catching you up, he grabbed your arm and pulled you to an empty alleyway as you glared at him. “What do you want!” You said as you cried out. This wasn’t how you thought your one year anniversary was going to be like. You know deep down you deserved better. “(Y/N), i love you, i really do and you don’t understand how hard this is for me” miles said out of breath as his hands hanged on his sides. “ I want to tell you, I really do, I just.” Miles paused. “I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you.” Miles said as he stared at you. He only wanted to protect you. “If you really care, then tell me. Tell me right now. Tell me why you’re always late for anything we plan. Why you’ve been making excuses. Where have you been all this time? Miles Morales, if you truly love me you’ll tell me right now” you declare staring at him making direct eye contact. Miles stays quiet. He can’t ruin your relationship. You’re the only person he can go too, someone he trusts and loves, but it was now or nothing. As miles stared down at the Bouquet, he remembers your first date. After getting the courage to ask you out during AP Spanish, he planned for you two to go to a nearby arcade, until a criminal robbing a nearby bank ruined the plans as the arcade shut down, Miles was disappointed, he couldn’t take you out but you two spent the rest of the evening at the diner, where you split a Oreo milkshake. Miles had to tell you. He didn’t care anymore if it was a risk, as he would be there to protect you. He promised to himself in thought as he knew what must be done.

Bloodsucker, FameFucker

“(Y/N), I’m…. I’m spid-“ Before miles could even finish you cut him off. You saw the guilty look of shame on Miles face as he looked down at the bouquet and it clicked. He was probably seeing someone else. The way his behavior was throughout the whole night and the way he kept avoiding the question, you weren’t ready for your boyfriend to admit he was cheating on you in an alleyway. “I’m sorry miles. I’m done. Talk to me when you get your shit straight” you cussed out in anger and sadness as you walked away, leaving miles alone. It struck him like a truck. He was too much in his head he didn’t realize he left you standing there like an idiot. All he could was watch you fade away as you blended in with the packed crowd. As you stormed off, you were tired. Tired of being lied too, tired of how long you waited for Miles to pick you up, only for him to be late. You were beyond devastated how your 1st year anniversary turned into a disaster. As you walked home with your makeup a mess, your eyes puffy from crying, you couldn’t get Miles out of your head. No matter everything that happened part of you still loved him. As you walked home, maybe it was your puffy eyes from crying, or the overwhelming feeling of being tired since you didn’t notice how colorful everything became all of a sudden sorta in a glitchy way, or how the walls began to look… different. In fact you didn’t realize, until you felt your stomach dropped as you found yourself falling through a portal.

Bleedin’ me dry, like a goddamn vampire

Maybe this’ll get a Part 2 💃🏽

[allthefandomthings55]

Life in the Limelight

Chapter 3

Spencer’s POV

After my text conversation with Y/N, I got back to work. All I had to do was hope that we didn’t get a case in two days. I hopped off the elevator and walked to my desk and greeted everybody as I went. As I sat at my desk I started to do paperwork that had been piling up. 

“Hey Reid, my man,” Derek said slapping his hands on my shoulders. 

“Oh no, what do you want, Derek?”

“Nothing, I just think you should come out with me this weekend. Maybe Saturday?”

“I don’t know, Derek, I think I’m busy Saturday.”

“Ok Pretty Boy! What are you doing, hmm? Are you going to watch some obscure movie? Maybe reading a whole bunch of obscure books?”

“Yeah, actually I was thinking about going out and getting lunch after going for a walk in the park then going to an early movie then going home and reading some books.”

Derek, JJ, and Emily seemed surprised for me to have a detailed plan ready. “Ok Reid,” Emily starts, “Are you going with anyone?”

“No, I’m not. I’m actually kind of excited to go out by myself and enjoy life.”

Everyone was staring at me, trying to read my micro-expressions but I knew they couldn’t. “Everyone in the meeting room in five,” Hotch said as he walked passed us. After everyone left to go to the meeting room, I let out a deep breath. I hope this case doesn’t take us out of state and doesn’t take us long. I don’t want to miss my hangout/date with Y/N. I walk up to the meeting room to see everyone sitting there. 

I take my seat and Garcia starts the meeting, “Ok friends we have trouble in our backyard. First victim, Alyssa Caldwater, was last seen leaving her job at 10:30 last Tuesday night. She was found dead two days ago in an alley, and get this, completely naked. Then just yesterday an Amanda Clarke was found in another alley about two blocks from where Miss Alyssa was found. Also they were both strangled to death then stabbed 30 times postmortem.”

“So,” Emily started, “we’re clearly dealing with someone who has extreme aggression problems.”

“Yeah, they might also be impotent. Maybe that’s why he stabbed them,” JJ commented.

“You know, because of the overkill, we’re definitely dealing with someone who is really fit, or is on some kind of stimulant drug that would give them the strength and energy to do something like this,” I said. 

“Well, it seems like this guy is speeding up. One girl dumped two days ago and another one dumped yesterday.” Rossi added.

Hotch spoke up, “Either way we better get down to the D.C. field office and help them figure this out. Everyone at the cars in 10 minutes.”

I got worried because I don’t know if we’ll be done in time for my brunch with Y/N so I decided to call her. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Y/N, how are you?”

“I’m good, Spencer, I’m just leaving rehearsal. What about you?”

“Uh, I’m ok. Look I hate to do this, but my team and I just got a case and I don’t know if it will be done by Saturday. Luckily it’s here, well in D.C., but close enough, right?”

“Oh,” she sounded disappointed, “well that’s ok. I mean you can’t just let people die, right? How about this, we’ll play it by ear. What I do for work is really flexible so I can meet you really anytime I want. Within reason though.” She chuckled after that sentence and I liked the sound of it. I honestly didn’t even know what to say. “Spencer? Did I say something wrong?”

“No! I mean no you didn’t. I just haven’t always had people in my life that understood my situation.”

“Oh believe me I get your situation. Don’t be nervous but I really need to tell you something when we do get to meet. It’s nothing bad, but I think it’s important that you know.”

“Ok, yeah no worries right? But I have to get going to solve this and hopefully I can make our time and date.”

“Yeah you go catch a killer, Spencer. Good luck.”

“Thank you. Bye,” and I hung up the phone. I made my way downstairs and before I got off the elevator I took a deep breath and made my face neutral so the team couldn’t read me. 

As I walk out of the elevator I see the team waiting for me. “Petty Boy! What took you so long?”

“Uh, I just had to make a phone call.”

“Really? To whom?” I decided to ignore him and just follow everyone else and get into the SUV.

[midlike]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 | Park Jihoon & Male Reader

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄 | Love burns slowly | Soft and Fluff

The salty sea breeze blew gently, carrying the sound of waves crashing on the shore. The small beach house was lit by string lights hanging on the porch, creating a cozy and intimate atmosphere. You glanced at the clock: 10:45 PM. Ji-hoon was still inside, probably working on the playlist he insisted on curating for the night.

"Don’t complain about my song choices later," he joked earlier, grinning at your skeptical look.

Now, you sat on the sand, watching the waves, trying to understand why your heart felt so restless that night. Since arriving at the beach, something in the air had felt different. Ji-hoon seemed more thoughtful, less playful than usual. And you... well, there was something about being here, alone with him, that stirred emotions you couldn’t quite explain.

"Hey!" Ji-hoon's voice snapped you back to reality. He was standing behind you, carrying a blanket and two cans of soda. "Are you planning to spend the entire night out here? Aren’t we supposed to enjoy what we planned?"

You chuckled, taking the blanket he offered as he sat beside you. "And what exactly did we plan? Because so far, it feels like we’re just killing time until midnight."

"Ah, you complain about everything," he replied, feigning indignation. "But I brought soda, so that makes me the best company ever."

You both laughed, and for a moment, everything felt normal again. That was what you loved about Ji-hoon: he had an incredible ability to make any moment feel light and special.

"Look at that." he said, pointing at the sky. A shooting star streaked across the horizon, shining brightly before disappearing.

"Make a wish." you murmured without thinking.

Ji-hoon was silent for a few seconds, and you realized he was looking at you, not the sky. "I already did."

Your heart skipped a beat, but you pretended not to notice. "I hope it was something good."

"That depends," he said cryptically before changing the subject.

11:30 PM

Back on the porch, you both decided to liven things up. Ji-hoon suggested an impromptu karaoke battle using his phone and a small portable speaker.

"Ready to lose?" he challenged, holding his phone like a microphone.

"Did you forget I was the one who taught you how to sing during that school trip?" you retorted, pretending to be smug.

The game began with plenty of laughter and disastrous attempts at hitting high notes. Ji-hoon, of course, always seemed to win, no matter the song. But it wasn’t the competition that mattered; it was the sound of his laughter, the way his eyes sparkled when he was happy.

When he chose to sing a romantic song, something shifted. His voice turned softer, almost melancholic, and the meaning behind the lyrics seemed to hit you in a way you’d never experienced before.

"You okay?" he asked, noticing how quiet you had become.

"Yeah..." you lied.

But Ji-hoon had known you for too long to believe that. He didn’t say anything, though, just gave you a gentle smile and played another upbeat song to break the mood.

11:55 PM

The countdown was about to begin. Ji-hoon brought out a bottle of champagne – another one of his last-minute ideas – and you both headed back to the beach. The house lights now felt distant, almost unreal, as the sound of the waves and the starry sky enveloped the moment.

"I need to tell you something," Ji-hoon said suddenly.

Your heart tightened. Something in his voice was serious, different from all the jokes and teasing from earlier.

"I..." He hesitated, staring at the ocean as if searching for courage. "I don’t know if I should say this, but... I think I need to."

"Ji-hoon..." you began, but he raised a hand to stop you.

"There’s something I’ve felt for a long time," he said, his voice almost a whisper. "And honestly, I’ve spent the whole year trying to hide it because I was scared of ruining everything. But now, with the year ending... I don’t want to wait anymore."

He turned to face you, his eyes filled with emotions you couldn’t fully decipher. "I like you. Not as a friend. As... something more."

The world seemed to stop. The sound of the waves, the distant lights, even your own breathing – everything faded into the background.

"I understand if you don’t feel the same," Ji-hoon continued quickly. "But I needed you to know. I couldn’t start the new year without telling you."

Before you could respond, the countdown began in the distance.

"Ten... nine..."

You tried to organize your thoughts, but all you could think about was how brave Ji-hoon had been.

"Five... four..."

You finally found the words. "I feel the same. I always have!"

His eyes widened in surprise, but before he could say anything, you took the initiative. Gently holding his face, you leaned in.

"Three... two... one!"

The fireworks exploded in the sky as your lips met. It was a timid kiss but full of emotion – like a promise for the year ahead.

When the kiss ended, Ji-hoon smiled, the radiant smile that always melted your heart. "You just made my New Year’s perfect."

You laughed, still holding his face. "Mine too."

And there, under the stars and fireworks, you began a new chapter – not as friends, but as something much more special.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Christmas Reruns 2024–Day 15: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Merry Christmas if you celebrate it and happy holidays if you don’t!  One of the things I love about Christmas is watching reruns of all the old classic Christmas movies–Christmas is a big time for nostalgia.  A few years ago, I decided to incorporate that tradition into my fandom life and post my CS holiday reruns.  So here you go!  Enough holiday (mostly) fluff to get you to New Year’s Day. (With a new story posting on Christmas Day.)

Word Count: 5072

Other chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Notes: This story was written for CSSS in 2019. It should hopefully be obvious from the story itself, but this is a canon divergence from 3x20.  It’s been a minute, so a quick reminder of what was going on in our favorites’ lives at this point in the story: Zelena cursed Hook’s lips so that the next time he kissed Emma, she’d lose her magic.  She threatened to kill Emma’s family, starting with Henry, if Hook told Emma about the curse.  Hook then decided to send Henry to New York where he’d (hopefully) be safe, but before that could happen, Zelena’s monkeys attacked.  With the help of Emma and the Charmings, Hook was able to defeat the monkeys, but not before Zelena showed up, told everyone about the curse and promised to kill Henry.  Emma and the Charmings are furious at Hook for keeping the curse secret.  This story takes place in the following episode just after Hook and Emma head to the farmhouse to confront Zelena.  Divergences for this story: 1. Snow hasn’t yet gone into labor. 2. Zelena and Rumple aren’t waiting for CS at the farmhouse.  3. It’s Christmas Eve. 4. Blizzard.

–Without further ado:

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Emma stomped into the farmhouse, ripping off her thoroughly snow-covered beanie and scarf and tossing them to the floor.  Of course she was trapped in the freaking Wicked Witch of the West’s creepy farmhouse–with Hook–on Christmas Eve–because of course she was!  That’s the way her life worked anymore.  Why’d she ever let Hook talk her into taking that memory potion in New York?  Her life was good there.  No monsters.  No over-the-top fairy tale villains.  No magic.  Just her and her son living their lives and being a normal family.

Granted, none of it had been real, she’d almost gotten engaged to a flying monkey and a part of her, even during the best moments in New York, felt like there was something missing, but that was beside the point!  She and Henry had been happy.  Was it really such a terrible thing to want to be happy?

Why the hell did Hook have to show up and destroy it all?

“We’re in luck, love,” the man himself called out cheerfully as he stepped inside and then, with some difficulty, closed the door against the bitter, howling wind.  “Zelena may be wicked, but at least she’s practical.  She left a nice, neat pile of firewood on the far side of the house.  Perhaps being stuck in a blizzard is’t the ideal way to spend Christmas Eve, but at least we’ll be quite comfortable.”

She rounded on him, wanting nothing more to wipe the smile from his face with a swift right hook.  “Not ideal?  Not ideal?!  Hook, my son, my parents, my baby brother or sister and the whole town are in danger from a crazy witch who wants to go back in time and wipe out my entire family line.  I think we’re a long way past not ideal.”

The smile slid from Hook’s face.  “It was not my intention to be flippant, Swan, but we must deal with the situation at hand.  You will be of no use to your lad or the rest of the town if you freeze to death, and at least we have the means to prevent that.”

“But Henry–”

“Will be fine,” Hook reassured, striding across the room until he could place reassuring hand and hook on her shoulders.  “He’s with Regina, and even at the height of her villainy, she loved Henry.  Protecting him will be her number one priority.”

Loathe as she was to admit it, Hook was right.  After the whole debacle yesterday–the storybook bringing back Henry’s memories, Zelena showing up and exposing Hook’s whole kiss curse situation, Zelena promising to kill Henry, Henry and Regina breaking the curse with True Love’s Kiss, the revelation of how the curse was cast in the first place (she still couldn’t believe her mother had actually crushed her father’s heart to cast it!)–Regina’s first act was to place a number of complex protection spells over Henry and every location he frequented.  Henry would likely suffer no lasting damage.

But Emma hadn’t wanted to take any chances. With Regina protecting Henry, and with Emma’s brother or sister still showing no signs of coming out to greet the world, Emma decided she was done playing defense. It was high time she take the fight to the Wicked Witch.  It was time to end this.  So armed with her magic and her faithful pirate, Emma had stormed out in the direction of Zelena’s farmhouse.

Stormed, it seemed, being the key word.  It began snowing just before she and Hook left her parent’s loft, and by the time they reached Zelena’s place, they were dealing with a full on blizzard.

Really, being home was the least Zelena could do given the fact Emma was giving up Christmas Eve with her son to kick her ass, but no.  She couldn’t even give them that.  There was no telling where Zelena and her Dark One puppet had gone, but it was clear they were not at home.

Emma hoped the witch froze solid in the blizzard.

Killian busied himself arranging the logs in the fireplace and then tried–without success–to start a blaze with the lighter he’d found lying upon the mantle.  Emma watched him struggle for a while, before growling, pushing him aside and calling on her reserves of anger and frustration to produce a fireball that soon had the fire blazing merrily.

“Bloody brilliant, love,” Killian murmured in obvious awe.  Despite herself, Emma felt her confidence soar in the wake of Hook’s constant, never-wavering faith in her.  

“You know Swan, it could be worse,” Hook said with a wicked grin.  “At least you’re trapped with a dashing rapscallion like meself.  There are any number of ways we could find to amuse ourselves that I can promise would be very enjoyable for both of us.”

When he waggled his eyebrows in that ridiculously over-the-top way of his, she lost it.

“Are you freaking kidding me right now?” she nearly shouted.  “We’re stuck here, my family’s in danger, a psycho witch and her equally psycho Dark One sidekick are still on the loose and all you can do is flirt!”

Growling, she turned to the fireplace, and tossed another fireball at the kindled wood for good measure, furious beyond belief at Hook, at Zelena, at the situation and, if she was being totally honest, at herself for the secret thrill that went through her every time he made outrageous or suggestive comments to her while giving her that look.  There was nothing between them!  There never would be.  She wouldn’t let it.

The farmhouse was silent for several moments, save for the crackling of the fire, and Emma eventually turned back toward Hook.  The look he gave her was a little too knowing, a little too understanding.  When he’d come for her in New York, he’d told her he knew her better than she knew herself, and though she hated to admit it, it was true.  It was a little unnerving how very well he understood her.

“Swan, what is this really about?” he asked simply.  

Emma growled.  “What do you mean, ‘What’s this really about?’  Did you forget about a certain green bitch with an insane grudge against her sister?”

“Of course not,” Hook said patiently, “but despite being snowed in, we are in no worse straights than we were yesterday.  You heard it yourself from your mother when you used your talking phone to let her know of our whereabouts.  Your family is fine, and Zelena hasn’t been seen since our confrontation in the boat house.  I reiterate.  What’s this really about?”

Emma glared at him for a long moment, before she finally sighed and dropped rather dramatically onto one of the ornate armchairs before the fire.  “It’s just…it’s just Christmas is Henry’s favorite time of year.  That kid loves Christmas.  Every year back in New York–and then in Boston before that–Christmas Eve was special.  We made a tradition out of it.  We’d sit before the tree drinking cocoa, reading ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’, singing our favorite carols.  Sometimes he even managed to talk me into letting him open a present or two.  It was the one night I never, under any circumstances, accepted a case or worked on one I had ongoing.  Christmas was for us.”

Emma felt the tears threatening at the back of her throat and she swallowed roughly, doing everything she knew to keep them from spilling over.  “And now, here I am on Christmas Eve, separated from him.  The kid’s going to be crushed.”

“Love,” Hook said gently, “the lad has a kind heart and a good head on his shoulders.  He understands the circumstances are beyond your control.  He knows how much spending this night together means to you, and he knows you’d never willingly miss spending it with him.”

“You know what the worst part of it is?” Emma asked bitterly. “The worst part of it is, as you’ve pointed out to me multiple times, none of it was real.  It didn’t happen.  It was nothing but the pleasant fake memories Regina gave us.”

Killian took ahold of her hand, and in a move that shocked even her, she let him.  “This past year, the lost year, was real.  Trust me love, Henry understands why you weren’t with him during the first ten years of his life.  He knows you didn’t abandon him.  He knows you did what you had to do to give him a good life.”

“Maybe,” Emma said, a lone tear breaking free and flowing down her cheek despite herself.

“Definitely,” Killian said with conviction

The lights flickered once and then went off completely, pitching the farmhouse into darkness, save for the flickering light from the fire.  Despite it being merely late-afternoon, the storm outside seems to have eclipsed the sun entirely.

“Fabulous,” Emma said with a groan.  “As if being stuck in a witch’s farmhouse on Christmas Eve wasn’t bad enough, now we’ll probably freeze to death without the heat.”

“I rather doubt that, Darling” Hook said with a flirtatious quirk of his eyebrow.  He slid his tongue along his bottom lip in a way that had Emma’s pulse racing, before invading her space and whispering the last bit.  “I’m sure we can come up with a way to keep warm.”

Emma leaned into him, actually leaned into him for a moment, before shaking herself out of it and taking a deliberate step back.

“Stop, Hook, just…stop!” she said through gritted teeth.  “This whole thing is your fault!  All of it!  We were happy  in New York, and you had to barge in and destroy it for us.  Then we get back here, and you manage to get yourself cursed–joke’s on Zelena by the way.  If she was smart, she’d have chosen to enchant the lips of someone I’d actually kiss.  Then you decide to take matters into your own hand instead of telling me about the threat to my son.  Hell, this is probably part of the plan too, isn’t it?  Get me alone, stranded in a blizzard and then try to seduce me.”

She’d hurt him.  She saw that clearly in his face for the space of two heartbeats, and then that hurt coalesced into anger.  “Despite what you may think of me, Swan, I’ve not yet developed an ability to control the weather.

Without another word, he stomped to the door.

“Where are you going?” she yelled after him, fire still flashing in her eyes.

“To gather more firewood,” he answered, voice hard.

And with a fierce slam of the door, he was gone.

For long moments after the door slammed after Hook, Emma continued to seethe.  Why was her life the way it was?  Why couldn’t she just be normal?  Why couldn’t she go back to her pleasant, comfortable life in New York with her son?  When she told people she was going back after this whole Zelena situation was over, why did they all look at her like she had just stated her plan to kick puppies?  This was her life, and she could live it as she pleased!  It was her prerogative to do what she felt was necessary to protect her son.  Where did Hook get off trying to convince her to stay with her family–and with him?

It’s not like she’d never see her loved ones again.  They’d still visit, and her family was welcome to come visit them.  But she was done.  She was done being the “savior”, done going after psychotic fairy tale villains, done being everything to everybody.  And most especially, she was done dealing with a pirate who made her heart race in a way she couldn’t control.

She’d done the whole “falling in love” thing before, and she had no intention of doing it again.

But as the minutes continued ticking past, Emma’s anger began to fade, and concern took its place.  Hook had been gone a long time; way too long to just gather up firewood.  What if….what if she’d finally driven him away?  What if he’d actually left her this time?  

A sick feeling took up residence in the pit of her stomach at the thought.  She wanted to tell herself she didn’t care; that she was glad he had finally stopped pestering her, but she couldn’t lie to herself anymore.  Hook had become much more than an ally to the heroes’ cause.  He’d become a friend, quite possibly the best friend she had.  He was her confidant, her support.  His endless faith in her gave her confidence when she no longer had faith in herself.  And the fact that he was so drop dead gorgeous and romantic that her insides turned to mush whenever he looked at her couldn’t be denied, at least not in the deep recesses of her heart where the truth resided.

Truth was, he’d been everything she needed during this whole stupid Wicked Witch business.  Despite what she might have said to him, she knew he pushed her not to further his own romantic interests but because he genuinely wanted her to find happiness.

And what did she do?  Time and time again, she pushed him away.  Time and time again she reforged the wall around her heart, trying to drive him away with cruel, cutting words.

Had she actually succeeded this time?  Was he ready to give up on her like everyone else had?  Gods, how was she going to handle it if he had?  Through everything, he’d been a constant in her life.  Why did she always do this?  Why did she always push away the people in her life that meant the most?

A small kernel of hope still lived inside her, reassuring her that he’d never abandoned her before, he wasn’t going to start now.

But that thought brought with it an entirely new concern.  What if something happened to him?  What if he was lost, freezing to death in the blizzard?  What if Zelena was lying in wait for him?  What if…?

As the minutes continued to pass, increasingly more fantastical worries about what may have happened to him took up residence in her mind until Emma feared she’d go crazy with the worry.  She was just on the point of going after him, when suddenly the door swung open, the furious blizzard winds blowing in both Killian and a fair amount of snow.

Without a word, Killian deposited an arm full of firewood beside the fire and then stepped outside to grab one more thing, before firmly closing the door again and shaking his head and shoulders like a wet dog.

The relief that suddenly flooded Emma was so strong that she couldn’t help herself.  She threw herself in his arms and buried her nose in his icy cold neck.  He was here; he’d come back to her.  He was okay.

For a moment, Killian stood still, but then his hooked arm came around her, and he hugged her to himself as tightly as she clung to him.  “Swan?” he asked.

Emma stepped back, wiping at her suddenly damp eyes.  “I’m sorry, okay?” she said, voice wavering with the emotion still at the back of his throat.  “I thought you’d left, and I get it.  The stuff I said to you–it was over the line and I’m sorry.”

Killian took a quick step back, unmistakable hurt back in his eyes.  “You thought I’d left?  Emma, haven’t I proven to you by now that I’d never leave you?”

“I know!” she was quick to reassure.  “It was stupid okay?  I just–I don’t know; I got scared, and when I get scared–” she shrugged.  “Wounds from the past tend to linger.”

His face softened.  “Well they needn’t with me,” he said gently. “I’m not so easily driven away.”

She smiled at him, a small, tenuous thing, but then the item in his hand caught her eye.  “Is that a pine tree?”

Killian smiled again.  “It’s not much, I’m afraid, but it was the best I could find in this tempest.”

“You got us a Christmas tree?”

Killian suddenly turned away, scratching at the back of his ear.  “I thought about what you said, Swan, about the traditions you are missing with your lad today.  I know it’s not the same as spending the day with him, but I thought–” he shrugged self-consciously, “I thought perhaps it would make your holiday marginally less bleak if we recreated some of your favorite traditions ourselves.”

For the second time that evening, Emma threw her arms around Killian.  “That’s one of the most thoughtful things anyone’s ever done for me.”

“I aim to please.”

******

Two hours later, Emma and Killian sat with each other before the fire, steaming mugs of instant hot cocoa in hand.  Emma smiled, looking over at the tree that they’d managed to decorate with bits and baubles they’d found scavenging through Zelena’s house (and leaving quite a mess in their wake, which felt rather satisfying).  Phase one of “Operation Christmas Cheer”, as Emma decided to call it in honor of Henry, complete, they’d turned their pillaging to the kitchen, managing to put together a haphazard meal of bread and cheese that Killian had toasted over the fire.  It was Emma who found the box of instant cocoa mix in Zelena’s cupboard, and, resourceful as always, Killian had heated it over the fire in a small saucepan.

Meal prepared, they’d raided every bedroom and closet, bringing all the pillows, blankets, comforters and afghans they could find and arranging a nest for themselves before the fire.

“I’m afraid we’ll need to bed down for the night here before the fire, Swan,” Killian said, once again scratching at his neck.  “With the storm still raging fiercely, we’d freeze in any of the bedrooms.”

Truth be told, Emma thought, as she bit into her grilled cheese sandwich, though she missed being with Henry, this Christmas Eve wasn’t turning out half bad.  

They ate in companionable silence, and when the last crumb had been consumed, Killian turned toward her with a smile.  “Are you ready for your story, Swan?”

“Story?” She asked.

“Of course,” he answered.  “That was an integral part of your Christmas Eve tradition, was it not?  Reading with your lad?”

Emma smiled.  “It was, but don’t worry about it.  It would be too much to ask that the Wicked Witch would keep any Christmas books around.”

“No matter,” Killian said, settling more comfortably onto his side of their blanket nest.  “I’ve no need of a book.”

“Oh really?” she grinned.  “How are you going to manage to read me a story with no book?”

“I’ve all I need up here, love,” he said, pointing to his head.  “Sit back and prepare to be transported into the holiday spirit.  ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house…”

Emma’s jaw dropped.  “Wait, you know ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’?”

Killian gave her a mock offended look.  “I do read, Swan.  Quite extensively in fact.”

Emma smiled, laying upon her pillow and pulling a comforter up to cover her.  “Well, by all means, then, continue.”

As Killian’s voice droned on, reciting the story of a man awakened by the arrival of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve night, Emma felt her eyelids become heavy, and before she knew it, she was drifting off to sleep, not visions of sugar plums, but visions of a thoughtful pirate that she just might be starting to fall for, dancing in her head.

************

Christmas morning dawned clear and bright, the blizzard finally at an end.  Emma woke to bright sunshine streaming through the front window.  For a moment, she was disoriented, wondering where she was and how she’d gotten there, but then the previous day rushed back to her.  Going after Zelena, the blizzard, being trapped in the farmhouse, taking out her frustration on Hook, being afraid Hook had left her, being overjoyed when he returned, his thoughtful Christmassy gestures.

Still thinking of Hook, Emma gradually became aware that she was quite warm and comfortable–and that was all thanks to the man who was currently spooning her, his strong arms holding her close.  They’d gone to sleep with a respectable amount of space between them; how did they wind up in each other’s arms?

For a moment, Emma wanted to run.  This was too close, too intimate, too–much.

But the more Emma thought about it, the more she realized she didn’t want to run, not anymore, not from this man.  He’d been proving himself to her over and over again since Neverland.  In the past few weeks alone, he’d been her rock as all this Wicked Witch crap had been going down.  He’d found her in New York–somehow; she was still fuzzy on the details–restored her memories, brought her back to her family, contributed an excellent strategic mind to planning sessions, been one of the best listening ears she’d ever had.

And then the harder to swallow stuff.  In these early morning moments, she could admit to herself that though some of the things he said to her were uncomfortable, they were uncomfortable truths.  Walsh’s presence in her life proved that she couldn’t get away from the fairytale crap, not really.  The fact that Henry had his memories back meant she couldn’t take him back to New York, at least not without a hell of a fight–with him, with Regina, with her parents, with everyone. He’d spoken the truth to her about all of it, even at the risk of her turning on him completely.  It was the mark of someone who truly, genuinely cared.

And all the while, she’d treated him like something nasty she’d stepped in.  She’d pushed, and pushed and pushed, but he’d stayed by her side.  He’d been so patient with her, he really ought to qualify for sainthood.

It was Christmas, the time to be with the ones you loved.  The time to tell them what they truly meant to you.  

She turned over in his arms and ran a hand over his stubbly cheek.  Still caught up in sleep, he mumbled “Swan” on a fond sigh, before opening his eyes–and then jumping to his feet faster than any person she’d ever seen.

“Swan!” he said, face flaming.  “My apologies love.  Not that I didn’t enjoy waking up with you in my arms, but I had no intention of taking advantage.”

Emma smiled, rolling her eyes fondly.  “Sit back down, you Victorian drama queen.  You didn’t take advantage.  Somehow we just–ended up like that over night.  Besides; I kind of liked it.  You’re warm.”

Killian did as she asked, sitting cross legged beside her as she sat up to mirror him.  “Just warm, love?  I’ve it on good authority that I’m hot.”

Emma laughed, playfully swatting his arm.  “Do you ever run out of these cheesy lines?”

“Haven’t yet in my three hundred years of existence.”

They laughed together for a moment, but then Emma turned serious, remnants of her musings of the morning still very much in mind.  “Hook, I think we need to talk.”

The smile slid from his face.  “As stated in Neverland, love, I find when a woman says that, I’m rarely in for a pleasant conversation.”

“You might be surprised this time.”

“Aye?” he asked, brow raising in interest. 

“I just–” she started, not sure how to even go about untangling all of the thoughts twisted up in her head.  “I get it; I get why you didn’t tell me about the lips curse thing.  I get that you were trying to protect Henry the best way you were able in an impossible situation.  I’m sorry I jumped down your throat about it.”

“You were concerned for your lad,” Killian said.  “I quite understand being angry at finding someone was keeping something about his welfare from you.”

“It’s not that,” Emma said, “or at least not just that.  Hook, I trust you; I really do.  I know you wouldn’t deliberately hurt Henry.  It’s just–hearing what Zelena threatened and what she did to you, it just brought it home again that I’m not enough.  Even with the whole savior thing, I can’t do a damn thing to help my family.  Zelena knows if she takes my magic, I’m useless.”

Killian straightened, frowning ferociously down at her.  “I cannot abide that kind of talk about the woman I–well, the woman I care for, particularly when it is blatantly false.  Emma, you are enough.  You’re more than enough, and it’s because she knows it that Zelena is going after you.  She said something similar to me.  She told me that she wants me to take away your magic, the thing that makes you special, but she was wrong as well.  Your magic isn’t what makes you special.  There’s not a bit of you that isn’t extraordinary.  Swan your determination, your goodness in the face of a difficult childhood, your strength and courage.  All of it make you who you are.  All of it convinces me without a doubt that even without your magic, you could defeat Zelena.”

Emma felt like a ball of warmth surrounded her, suffused her at his words.  She loved him.  She’d never admitted it to herself before, but nonetheless it was true.  She loved him, and she was done hiding behind her walls.

And she was certainly done letting villains try to determine her love life.

“Killian, can I ask you a question?” she asked.

“Anything, love.”

“Back in New York, when you first came to my apartment.  That was True Love’s Kiss you tried, wasn’t it?”

There was the scratching at his neck again.  “Aye.  I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try.”

“So you…you love me?”

His eyes widened.  “Swan, if you haven’t realized that by now, I don’t know what to tell  you.”

“No I mean, you truly love me, like curse-breaking true love?”

“For my part, aye,” he said, looking directly in her eyes.  “There’s no doubt in my mind, but for True Love to break a curse, it must be reciprocated.  New York proved that it is not, as is your prerogative, of course.”

Emma was silent for a moment, gathering her courage.  Finally she met his eyes.  “True Love’s Kiss also doesn’t work when one party doesn’t remember the other.”

He stared at her incredulously for a long moment. “Are you saying you think we share True Love?” he began, apparently unable to finish the sentence.

Emma shrugged.  “I mean, I don’t know. How could I?  But–I’m willing to test it out.  Are you?”

He swallowed hard.  “Gods know how badly I wish to kiss you, Swan, but are you sure?  Your magic is part of who you are.  I cannot be the reason you lose it.”

“You won’t,” Emma said, scooting forward and invading his space.  “I think this will work, but even if it doesn’t I know that there’s nothing our family can’t accomplish.  With or without my magic, Greeny doesn’t stand a chance.  So what do you say?  Are you willing to take a leap of faith?”

In answer, Killian leaned forward covering her lips with his own.  Emma sighed into the kiss, everything about it felt right.  Come what may, she was not denying herself this pleasure again.

Emma had just tilted her head to deepen the kiss, when suddenly a shockwave burst forth from their joined lips and suffused the entire farmhouse.  She pulled away.  “Hook–was that–?”

His face a mask of awe, Killian answered.  “I think so.  Give it a try, my love.”

Emma concentrated her emotions, directing them toward the place within her where her magic had always been.  Continuing to focus, she waved her hand, and suddenly a fireball shot forth, reigniting the fire that had burnt down to mere embers.

“True Love,” she said in shock.  “It’s true love.”

“Aye that it is,” Killian said, moving toward her once again.  “The question is, what are we going to do about it?”

“Well, for starters, this,” Emma said, surging forward with enough vigor to knock him to the floor.  Emma took his mouth with the kind of wild abandon she’d never even imagined displaying.  He gave back as good as he got, his hand tangling in her hair and his hooked arm molding her to himself.  

Emma’s hand had just moved to unclasp his vest when suddenly the farmhouse door opened and Leroy burst through, walkie talkie in hand.  “Relax your majesties,” he said.  “I found ‘em.  They’re at the farmhouse sucking face like a couple horny teenagers.”

Emma sighed in frustration before getting to her feet and then offering Killian her hand.

“You know, Swan,” Killian said when he was back on his feet.  “I think someone needs to muzzle that dwarf.”

Emma giggled, as the sound of her father’s shocked “WHAT?!” on the other end of the walkie came through.

She shrugged.  “What can I say?  It wouldn’t be Christmas without a little family drama.”

“True enough, love.  Shall we adjourn to your parents’ loft and face the music together?”

“Absolutely,” Emma answered, taking his hand and lacing his fingers with hers.  “Together is how I see us doing a lot of things in the future.”

NEXT CHAPTER->

[pariskylar]

Part 3: Rude

Monday: August 30, 2021

Beatrice, bitch please. you know who I be nothin' else, none other the number one stunner.

she pulled up to The Thrombey Mansion for her second week of work.

working for Harlan has been very uneventful, borderline boring. all she did for the past two weeks was take calls, email business people back and proof reading. proofing was the only part of the job she actually enjoyed.

she entered the house and went straight to Mr. Thrombey’s Office.

“good morning.” she signed her time sheet.

“good morning.” Marta greeted.

and as usual Harlan said nothing.

ignoring that she pulled out her iPad, where she had transferred the planner and began briefing him about his schedule today.

“today you have a doctors appointment at 8:30 AM, a meeting with Mr. Walt Thrombey at the publishing company at 11:30 AM and and dogs have a vet appointment at 1:00 PM.” she read off.

“Marta is taking me to my doctors appointment.” he said while stacking three different piles of papers “these need to be proofed.” he handed them over to her.

she nodded waiting to see of he had anything else to say, but of course he didn’t. she took her assignment out to the front porch. she sat tailored style on the bench pulling out her sticky tabs, red pen, post-its and the matching highlighters .

and began her reading. this is the shit she loved. well introduced characters, well thought out details. this is why she wanted to be an editor.

forty five minutes later she proofed seventy percent of the first chapter and Harlan and Marta came out the house.

“we’re off to the doctor.” Marta said helping Harlan down the steps.

“ok, well be safe.” she said automatically.

pulling out her phone she saw the time read 7:56 AM. she’d been out there for nearly an hour and her bones and joints felt it. she stood from her seat stretching and loosen up her joint.

standing up straight she grabbed all of her supplies and moved to the steps.

after two hours she was finishing up the second chapter when she heard the revving of a car engine. she looked up to see an old school BMW flying up the driveway. she put a tab where she just finished reading sitting up properly, ready to greet whoever the guest was.

when the car door opened out stepped a white man with brunette hair sporting slacks, a striped shirt and sunglasses. he slowly made his way to the house.

“hi, how may i help you?” she asked as he made his way up the steps.

he totally ignored her and went inside. she grabbed her keys that had her mace on them. she sat the papers aside and grabbed the iPad, rushing in after him.

“um, excuse me? sir?” she followed him into Mr. Thombey’s empty office. “um, sir.”

“what?” he turned to her finally acknowledging her existence.

his presence was a bit intimidating, causing her to take a few steps back. he rolled his eyes making an exit from the office.

she switched the latch on the mace.

“um, do you have an meeting set with Mr. Thrombey?” she followed him.

“a meeting?” he asked seemingly confused heading for the stairs

“yeah, like an appointment.” he turned from the second step with the same confused look “you know when you set a time to talk to someone.”

“i know what a meeting is, i’m just confused on why i’d need one. i’m his grandson.”

that’s Ransom?

“oh, the one with the bi-weekly visits.” she closed the mace.

“yeah.” he said with faux enthusiasm

“well Mr. Thrombey had a doctor’s appointment today, but he’ll be back any minute now. you can wait for him in his office.”

he didn’t say anything just going back to his office, slamming the door behind him.

she huffed, snarling. there’s alot of thing she can take, and has, but one thing she can’t stand is an unnecessarily rude person.

there was no reason for him to come in that aggressive and to be that harsh.

she made her way back to the front porch to try and finish up her assignment

her alarm that was set 10:45 went off, but Harlan and Marta wasn't back yet. she didn't have Marta's number so she had no choice but to wait this out. she re-scheduled the meetings and vet appointment, while waiting. she was chewing on her pencil eraser nervous. she was 99 percent sure she was gonna lose her job.

after the most daunting 42 minutes Marta and Harlan finally pulled up.

she stood up from her seat grabbing her bag and rushed to the car. once the car came to a full stop she opened the door and help Harlan out.

“Mr. Thrombey, we’re late for your meeting with Mr. Walt.” she closed the door and walked to her car as fast as she could without dragging him. “i called and rescheduled the meeting for 12:00 and push the vet appointment for 1:30, i just need to get the dogs in the car and we can go.” she tossed her bag in her backseat, before taking off to the backyard.

whistling at them she gained their attention.

“come.” she squatted down waved them over.

they ran up to her.

she stood up straight and began jogging to her car with them her following. when they got there Mr. Thrombey wasn’t in the car.

“what the hell?” she said under her breath.

“i took him to the meeting with Walt.” Marta said from the side of her.

“oh, well thanks.” Jaz nodded "um, can i get you number." her social anxiety began to kick in.

"just so when you take Harlan places i'll know, y'know" she over explained.

"no, yeah, i get it." Marta pulled out her phone handing it over.

"personal or work?" she asked pulling each from her pockets.

"both?"

Jaz nodded handing them both over.

Jazlyn (Personal): (504)-xxx-xxxx she entered her personal number first then her work number Jazlyn (Work): (857)-xxx-xxxx.

they exchanged phones back.

she looked at the new contact in her phone, Marta :) (857)-xxx-xxxx.

"um, thanks."

"no problem." Marta nodded.

they walked back towards the porch. she took a seat on the bench and Marta went back into the house.

she set a new alarm for 12:30.

the dogs ran up to her, tails wagging.

“hi, babies.” she giggled at them scratching behind each of their ears.

one tried giving her a kiss but she dodged it.

“no kisses, just rubs and hugs.”

she spent the next 50 minutes cuddling the dogs and trying to calm herself down from mini freakout she had.

what the heck bro. that was so rude and inconsiderate. he could've told me that he was going to have Marta take him to the meeting. and why the hell did the receptionist let me change times if he was already there?

while in the midst of another freakout her alarm went off. she sighed getting up from her seat, heading back to the home.

they tried following her in the house.

"sit." she commanded "stay." they obeyed.

she knocked on the office door.

“come in.” he called from the other side of the door.

walking in she saw Harlan and Ransom sitting across from each other.

“um, i’m taking the dogs to their vet appointment.”

Ransom scoffed at her turning back to his granddad.

rude

“ok.” Harlan nodded

“is there anything you need while i’m out?”

“no.”

she nodded leaving the room. she grabbed the leashes from the hooks on the foyer.

-

after taking the dogs to the vet and a long day of doing nothing she went back to her townhouse.

"hey, baby." Tia greeted her from the couch.

"hi." she kicked off her shoes at the door.

she sighed flopping next to her, handing over a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

"lemme guess, boring day today?" she grabbed a spoon from the bowl on the coffee table.

for the past week she had been complaining non-stop about how freaking boring it was to work for Harlan.

"no, stressful." Jaz shook her head unbuckled her belt.

"how?"

"he had a doctors appointment and Marta took him. i was supposed to take him to his meeting at his publishing company, but he had Marta take him." she began to explain taking her pants off. "but he ain't tell me shit, so i'm running around thinking i'm finna get fired. i rescheduled the meeting. they come back talking bout 'i took him.' then his grandson came there almost giving me a heart attack."

"his grandson?" T asked around a bite of ice cream

"yeah, Ransom. he fine, but he rude as hell."

"how fine? you know my fine and your fine are two different fines." Tia pointed the spoon at Jaz.

"as fine as you can get for a white boy." she shrugged pulling her hair back. "i'm finna shower and take this makeup off, then we gon talk about them crazy ass people you work for." she stood up.

"good because bitch i got some shit to tell you."

[jongho-my-beloved]

The Incident

Heyy I’m Moon! This is the first fic I’ve written in a very long time so bear with me, but I hope if you read it you enjoy it. This fic is called The Incident because it is based off true events from a night out with my friend, just tweaked to make my delusions come to life. This is gonna be maybe one or two more parts, so there’s not too much going on in this chapter besides set up. Pls forgive me for any errors I wrote this in my notes app. Either way I hope you enjoy it and look forward to more writing from me in the future!!

Special thanks to @yeonjuns-beanie who encouraged me to make my delusions into a fic and for being the best friend ever.

Wonwoo X Female Reader

Word Count: 5.9k words

Warnings: Alcohol/Alcohol consumption, Vaping (mentioned literally once), some awkward flirting.

Your keys jangle in the lock as you open the front door, elated to be home after the shit show you just went through at work. Mrrow! The little ball of fluff greets you immediately in her tiny voice, stretching before prancing over to rub up against your legs.

“Hi my baby.” You smile feeling the stress of your last shift slowly seep out as you scratch behind her ears. “Did you get some good naps in today?”

Mow!!

“I wish I was you.” You speak as if you’re having a conversation with one of your roommates, but judging by the stillness of sound they don’t seem to be home. “Come on my love, let’s get you some dinner.”

Mrrph!

Maybe it was a little weird to speak to your animals the way you would a human, but this is your baby, and at least she responds. The kibble clatters into the bowl as she circles you, biting your ankle impatiently when you space out trying to plan for the rest of your evening. “Hey! Be patient it’s right here.” You announce setting the food down as she goes to town.

You should text Lorraine and make sure she’s still down for your plans tonight, which you’re 90% sure she is… but that 10% always gets to your mind. Pulling up your messages you click on the contact reading Wifey 😈💕.

Y/N: Hellooooo loml 🫶🫶🫶🫶 are you still down to get messy and kiss in the club later 🤭

You and your friends are always flirting, this was just your way of asking if you were still going out tonight. It’s just how you express your endearment to each other, but also probably the reason why people seem so intimidated to approach you when you go out together.

Wifey 😈💕: I’ve been waiting all week to get a smooch in, of course I’m still down 🤭💕 Why? Are you still feeling up for it?

Y/N: Of course, you know I just like to check in before I get all sexy for no reason… and because it’s just us tonight, we could wait for the rest of our friends to be free if you want.

Wifey 😈💕: You’re always sexy 😏 also no I am not missing another thirsty thursday! The happy hour prices are too good.

Y/N: Shut the fuck up. I’m gonna kiss you so hard.

Wifey 😈💕: My lips are ready 👄 Anyways what time are we leaving?

Y/N: Up to you my love, it’s Your birthday we’re celebrating.

Wifey 😈💕: I’ll just let you know when I’m on my way over and we can leave from your house.

Y/N: Sounds good, I’m gonna hop in the shower now keep me updated 💕

Wifey 😈💕: Of course, see you soon 🫶

A groan escapes you as you peel yourself up from your bed that you took a quick rest on while texting Lorraine. Knowing the both of you, you’ll probably get there within the last 15-30 minutes of happy hour, but that’s enough time to chug whatever you’ll need after your ritualistic car pregame. You quickly hop in the shower washing away the last of your shitty shift away from your mind as you begin to feel excitement for tonight grow.

It isn’t often that you and Lorraine get to go out and not worry about sobering up and leaving early because either you or someone in your group still has work the next morning. Especially for you, since you’re usually the driver, you stop drinking before everyone and guzzle down some water to make sure that you all get home safe. Tonight both you and Lorraine had no commitments the next day, and that meant you could finally relish in that fuzzy feeling of being drunk for more than just an hour.

Finally stepping out of the shower, you let the steam disperse while you head to your room to find something to wear tonight. Still feeling a bit tired from your shift earlier you decide to go for a combo you know you always feel safe in, big pants little shirt. Finding a pair of ripped jeans that weren’t too baggy in your mess of laundry you said you would fold days ago and some cute corset top, you decided the outfit was good enough. You weren’t really trying to attract too much attention, more focused on spending time with Lorraine, it is her birthday after all and you cherish your friendship with her. You both have grown closer over the last few years and it’s something you’re glad has developed as your friend group grows busier these days. Lorraine would make time to come by just to watch stupid videos and drink on your couch together when you didn’t feel like going out, offer her support when you’re feeling sick or down, make the horrible shifts at work go by faster with your silly joke flirting. You connect on a deep level, a best friend you never want to lose.

Ding Ding!

Your phone brings you back to reality as you were spacing out during your eyeshadow routine. You check the time, later than you planned but still earlier than your usual.

Wifey 😈💕: Just about done. Gonna head over soon, just gotta find me shoes.

Y/N: Okayyy, I’m like halfway done I’ll probably be ready by the time you get here.

Wifey 😈💕: Take your time, this is probably the earliest we’ve gone in a while anyways.

Y/N: True, let me know when you’re here 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

Lorraine reacted with a thumbs up and you set your phone down on the counter again to quickly finish the rest of your makeup. Just as you finish coating your lashes in mascara your doorbell rings loud through the empty home. “Hi sexy, come here often?” Lorraine giggles as you let her inside.

“I was here like… less than 48 hours ago,” she picks up Kitty as she runs over to greet her. “Hi you little menace.”

You smile closing the door behind you guys as you head back over to your room. “I’m ready I just need to get dressed. There’s some soju in the fridge for our little pregame if you wanna grab that.”

“Kay! I also brought some!” Lorraine shouts back as you shut your door to change quickly into the outfit you chose earlier. You laugh to yourself knowing you both were definitely in agreement on getting messy tonight. Grabbing some simple accessories and spritzing yourself with perfume you were ready to go.

“Alright let’s go! I’m ready to get fucked up with my wife.” You announce pulling on some boots that compliment your outfit.

“Looking sexy as always.” Lorraine says following your lead as you unlock your car.

“Never as sexy as you.” You wink back as you both burst into a fit of giggles and get into the car.

The car ride to the bar you frequent isn’t long, but long enough for you to shit talk about your annoying coworkers and complain about your daily life. Parking downtown was always a nightmare, but luckily you’d been in this area enough to find a good spot only two blocks away from the bar where you didn’t have to pay. Parking in your usual area you both continue to gossip and show each other new songs you found while passing the bottles of soju back and forth till you both felt you were at a good level. A few more drinks in the bar and you’d both be as inebriated as you were planning for tonight. You decided to leave the bulk of your stuff in the car, taking just your ID, credit card, and keys with you to lighten the load.

The short walk to the bar had you both complaining as it was colder this April than it usually is. “God it’s hard being sexy.” You joke as you make your way inside. Lorraine agrees as you make your way to the bar, opening a tab and ordering four of the fruity cocktails you both enjoyed. “You don’t pay for a thing tonight it’s your birthday!” You laugh trying to close Lorraine’s phone as you catch her trying to send you money for the drinks.

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind.” She hesitates.

“If you send me money I swear to god I’ll break up with you.” You fake threaten trying to hold back your smile.

She gasps and fakes sorrow as she grabs her two drinks, “Please god no!”

You giggle already sucking down your first drink, “Then don’t you dare send me a single penny.”

She nods giving up as she chugs her first drink alongside you. You both toss the empty cup into the trash and decide to head out to the floor with your other drink in hand to get a feel for the night.

It’s crowded and humid in the tiny bar, more people seem to be showing up compared to when you both first started coming here. Despite the crowd and the heat of all the bodies on the dance floor you still liked to come here, avoiding the more exclusive high end clubs deeper in the city. It was familiar and the drinks were cheaper here anyways.

You both surveyed the crowd as you swayed and danced with each other when a song you liked came on. Sharing your thoughts on the attractive people you saw or the regulars you don’t see as often anymore. You could tell by how you both clung to each other that the drinks were already setting in, but this was your chance to drink more. You were dead set on feeling the fuzzy glow of being drunk and dancing with your best friend.

“Do you want to drink more?” Lorraine asked as she tossed the cup of ice was holding the fruity drink long gone now.

“I planned on it.” You answer with a mischievous grin that Lorraine mirrors, happy with your answer. You head back to the bar, ordering another round of drinks the bartender quickly makes for you. “Do you wanna hang out here for a bit until he plays some better music?” You ask motioning to the empty stools.

Lorraine nods, “Yeah I could use a small break from all that must in there.”

As you both settle down and sip at your new drinks, swaying to the music and chatting, you notice Lorraine’s gaze looking behind you for a few moments. “What is it?” You ask curiously noticing a small shift in her smirk.

“So I wasn’t too sure, but there’s this really cute guy here and he’s totally eyeing you babe. Don’t look now though he’s still watching.” She speaks a little more quiet than your previous volume.

“What? Nah, he’s probably looking at you, have you seen yourself?” You compliment seriously, Lorraine was definitely one of your most beautiful friends and you made sure she knew so.

“I’m being so serious right now. I saw him out on the floor and he is definitely looking at you. He’s totally your type too. Tall, kinda big, got these kinda cat like eyes, slut glasses…”

“Slut glasses?” You turn around not so subtly, the drinks definitely taking a toll on your movements. You make quick eye contact with a man far too handsome for your drunk brain to process before he breaks the eye contact nervously acting as if he was just scoping out the bar. His friends laugh, confirming you had just caught him staring. You turn back to Lorraine, your drunken glow heating with the blush forming from your flustered thoughts. He was very much your type, in fact almost to the t. “Raine, there’s no way I could talk to him holy shit.” You babble bashfully as she laughs before you’re cut off by a song you both love. Both your eyes go wide before you’re practically dragging each other out onto the floor again getting lost in the sea of people.

At some point you guys had made it upstairs to the bathroom, taking a break from the crowd as the drinks buzzed through your bodies. You took your ritualistic mirror selfie together, taking a last quick hit of your vapes before deciding to head out and dance for a while longer before heading out. You try to forget the eye contact you made with the handsome stranger, but the intensity of his eyes is burned into your skull. He seemed so mysterious and intimidating, his looks making him seem almost unapproachable. Looking around now it seems like neither he or his friends are still here, not like you would have the courage to talk to him even with the drunks buzzing through your mind.

After some dancing, laughs, and odd people trying to make conversation you and Lorraine were obviously not interested in, you pull out your phone to check the time. It’s almost 1, you should probably start drinking some water and pee so you’re feeling well enough to drive by the time the bar closes at 3. “Let’s go back upstairs, I gotta pee so I can drive soon.” You inform Lorraine tugging lightly on her arm. She nods following you happily, both of you had a great time so far tonight, a successful birthday celebration.

“You should have talked to slut glasses.” Lorraine sighs as she fixes a bit of smudged lipstick in the mirror while you break your seal.

“Okay, yes he was hot, but I’m here with you for Your Birthday. Also I drove, so no way I’m ditching you for a guy I’d probably make a fool out of myself in front of.” You defend yourself as more clarity slowly rushes to you as the alcohol leaves your body.

“I bet he would think anything you do is cute, he could not keep his eyes off of you.” She countered switching spots with you as you washed your hands.

“Well, too bad we’ll probably never see him again.” You state drying your hands and leaning in to fix some of your smudged makeup as well. Lorraine shrugs and you feel around your pockets to find your vape to hit it before leaving the bathroom again, but something is off. Your eyes scan the bathroom trying piece together what’s off.

“What’s wrong? Why are you looking around like that?” Lorraine asks as she notices panic start to shine through your eyes.

“Raine…” You pause slapping your pockets and searching the bathroom frantically, how could you be so stupid? “Raine I lost my fucking keys.”

“What? Your keys?” She asks shocked. You aren’t the type to lose your shit. You’ve always been responsible with your driving duties and making sure everyone was safe, so it was hard to believe you lost your keys. Not to mention how hard it is to loose your keys adorned with many obnoxious keychains.

“Raine for real, I don’t have my keys. I must have dropped them somewhere we gotta go look.” You say trying your best to stay calm, but you’ve never felt yourself sober up so fast.

Lorraine was immediately on the same page finishing washing her hands quickly before you both bust out of the bathroom to start your search mission. You asked the bartender, the bouncer, security, any random person you passed by and no one had seemed to find your keys. Panic was setting in as you even desperately shined your phone’s flashlight into the trash cans thinking maybe you had thrown them away. At this point even a few kind strangers were helping you basically tear this bar apart to find your keys, but as time ticked on it was time to close and you still hadn’t found your keys.

Dejected and definitely sober now that you had run around for two hours searching, you leave your phone number with the bartender incase they find anything and head outside into the brisk air. “Well this fucking sucks. I’m sorry Raine, I’m never this messy, I didn’t mean to kill the mood at the end of the night.” You apologize, coming to terms with the fact that you guys will have to uber home and you’ve wasted the last two hours of your night on a wild goose chase.

“Hey it’s okay, I had fun. Shit happens we’ll figure this out.” She comforts you as you stand at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change before deciding to just jaywalk, the streets were empty anyways.

“I know, but I still feel stupid, I’ve never had something like this happen.” You sigh as you guys walk back to where you were parked. You agreed you might as well go check to see if your car or anything inside of it had been stolen with your missing keys.

“Well luckily your car and our stuff is still here. We just gotta call an uber and figure out how to get your car later.” Lorraine reassures you.

“You’re right. I have a spare somewhere at home, I’ll have to dig around and hope my car doesn’t get stolen before I get back.” You sigh defeated as you approach your car and lean on the hood wallowing in self pity for a moment before you download the uber app back onto your phone. As you lie there for a moment, you notice something tucked under your windshield wipers. “Raine what’s that?” You ask standing up now inspecting it.

“A bag?” Lorraine looks around to spot if anyone else is around. Random objects on cars being common to get women to stop before getting in their car so they can be grabbed and trafficked. You’ve been here for a while now though and the streets are basically empty, the thumping of music in clubs open later down the street the only sound floating through the air. Safe to say you weren’t getting trafficked.

You nervously reached out and took the black plastic bag from under your wipers and give Lorraine an incredulous look. “There’s no fucking way my keys are in this bag.”

“What? For real?” She steps closer as you reach your hand in and pull out your obnoxiously keychain adorned keys. “How?”

Possibilities of what could have happened bounce around your brain, but none of it seems to make sense. “I guess someone in the bar found my keys and walked two blocks this way to find my car and not steal anything? God I’m so fucking lucky right now, how the fuck?” Your brain couldn’t even comprehend why someone would even do that for a stranger. As you walk around to open your door you notice a tiny scrap of paper wedged into the space between the glass of your window and the door. “They left a note too?” You announce as both of you settle into the car now.

“What does it say?” Lorraine leans closer as you both look down at the small note. All it had was an arrow pointing to the front of your car and the word keys next to what looked to be somebody’s phone number. “They left their phone number? What if it was that cute guy from the bar?”

Your heart speeds up at the thought of the number possibly belonging to him. “There were so many people there tonight, it could be anyone.” You brush off the idea as you pocket the scrap of paper and start the car. “I miss my bed and my cat lets go home.”

Lorraine giggles noticing your flustered state but agrees. The clock was reaching closer to 4 am and you didn’t want to fall asleep behind the wheel. The whole ordeal sobered you both up quickly and the energy of the night was fading as Lorraine dozed between songs on the ride home. When you got home you made her promise to text you when she was home safe, exchanging a hug and love you’s before going inside to get ready for bed.

As you washed off your makeup for the night and changed into an old shirt to sleep in you remembered the number stuffed in your jean pocket. You grabbed it observing it for a second while you waited for the text from your friend to know she was home safe and decided to send out a quick thank you. Typing the number into your phone and saving it under “Key Savior 🙏” to make sure you remembered who it was if they ever texted back.

Y/N: Hi, uh thanks for finding my keys and my car tonight… I’m glad it was you and not someone who wanted to steal my car lol

You cringed after sending the text, realizing just how awkward you sounded but were quickly distracted when a new text came in from Lorraine.

Wifey 😈💕: Made it home safe 💕 Sleep well 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 oooh and update me on the mystery key person

Y/N: Yaaay! Glad you made it home. I texted a thank you but I doubt I’ll get a reply since it’s like almost 5 am at this point. I’m about to pass out love you 💕

You responded feeling much more secure in going to bed now knowing your friend was safe. You put your phone on the charger, happy you had absolutely nothing to do tomorrow meaning you could sleep well into the afternoon. With the last of your energy depleting quickly you shut your eyes, your brain recalling your messy night before sending you into deep sleep.

You woke up with a warm furry mass tucked into your arms and your body begging for water, but you couldn’t be bothered as you pulled Kitty closer listening to her purrs as she realized you had finally woken up. After a few minutes of cuddling she wiggled out of your arms stretching and running off to cause havoc somewhere in the house. You groaned reaching for the water on your bedside table, thanking your past self for remembering as you chugged it down like a horse. Reaching for your phone you squinted at the screen, the time reading 2:15 PM. You sighed scrolling through the notifications on your phone, texts in the work group chat, texts from Lorraine shit talking whoever was causing shit in said group chat, missed spam calls, and a text from “Key Savior 🙏” that came in almost 4 hours ago. You clicked on the notification quickly, curious to see what they could have said.

Key Savior 🙏: Hey! Happy to hear you got your keys back, I tried to find you in the bar after you lost them but you and your friend disappeared quick. I hope it wasn’t too hard to find them :)

You smile at the awkward reply, you didn’t really know if you were supposed to respond after that. Maybe they just wanted to know you got your keys and that was all. Something drew you to responding anyways, curious as to what kind of person would go two blocks away to find your car and not steal a single thing.

Y/N: I mean, it was just two hours of panicking and searching the bar before we actually went out to my car, but I got a happier ending than most people who lose their keys in a bar. You know you could have left my keys with the bartender and saved me a heart attack right? :p

You got up to get yourself more water and some breakfast for you and Kitty after replying, shocked to see that it didn’t take too long for them to reply back.

Key Savior🙏: Honestly, I wasn’t the most sober myself and after I couldn’t find you my next best option was to go find your car in my brain. Like you said I could have just driven away with your car, at least have a little gratitude 🤨

You giggled at your phone as you sipped on some tea, starting to see some of this person’s personality come out with this text.

Y/N: My bad oh mighty Key Savior! How might I ever be able to repay you for your glorious good samaritan deeds!

Key Savior🙏: Maybe I should have just taken the car…

Y/N: Too late for that now. I am curious if two things though…

Key Savior🙏: What’s that?

Y/N: One, why didn’t you steal our shit? Two, why did you leave your number?

Key Savior🙏: I didn’t really want to steal your car in the first place?? I was trying to find you, like I said earlier, but you disappeared. I left my number because I wanted to talk to you, simple really.

Your eyebrows raise slightly at that last text, they wanted to talk to me?

Y/N: Wait, why did you want to talk to me?

Key Savior🙏: I had to know what kind of person you were to lose keys that obnoxious and jangly.

Y/N: Hey! I love my keychains :(

Key Savior🙏: I’m kidding! Honestly… I was kind of watching you a for a while last night and I think you’re really beautiful. I couldn’t bring myself to approach you and interrupt you and your friend… or girlfriend?? No judgement idk you seemed pretty close…

You laughed at the end of that last message, but started racking your brain to remember anyone who had been watching you last night. Then it hits you, the cute guy in slut glasses? There’s no way.. right?

Y/N: SLUT GLASSES??

Key Savior🙏: excuse me?

Y/N: I mean, sorry uh. No we’re not dating that’s my best friend Raine, we were celebrating her birthday… Who are you did we ever like interact? I was… pretty fucked up last night sorry..

Key Savior🙏: Lol no need to apologize.. Uh we didn’t really interact, but I think you caught me staring at the bar..

Your heart froze, it had to be him, he’s the only person you remember making distinct brief eye contact with. Lorraine was going to love this development when you told her. Another text came in.

Key Savior🙏: Would you maybe want to like, video call or something? I want to keep talking to you, but I promised I’d play some games with some of my friends in a few…

You rushed to the mirror and winced seeing your makeup you half ass washed off last night smearing on your face. You took a makeup wipe and tried to make yourself look more presentable, but there was no way you were gonna be able to get a full face back on before he wanted to call. Were you actually going to call? This isn’t something you’d normally allow, your social anxiety ruling over you on most occasions. There was just something about this guy that made you want to talk more, so you grabbed your phone to type out your next reply as you freshened up.

Y/N: Like video games?? Will you stream it to me so I can watch?

Key Savior🙏: I could do that! Uh do you.. have a discord account?

Y/N: Discord.. so you’re that kinda guy 🤨

You giggle as you try not to choke on your toothpaste.

Key Savior🙏: Where else am I supposed to stream video games and video chat at the same time?

Y/N: Fair.. as long as you aren’t playing league of legends you’re safe

Key Savior🙏: …maybe I can stream to you another time?

Y/N: NO YOU’RE PLAYING LEAGUE??

Key Savior🙏: I PROMISE I’M NOT TOXIC ITS JUST FOR FUN!!

Y/N: I’ll be the judge of that..

You smile as you send him your discord tag, quickly seeing a new friend request pop up in your notifications that you accept. Not long after you see a private call ringing from him. You take a deep breath and brace yourself, hoping you could fake a little confidence and not make this too awkward before accepting the call. His profile picture of some video game character taking up your screen as the call connects.

“Hello?” A deep voice startles you as it carries from your phones speakers to your ears.

“H-hi. Uh.. I still don’t know your name, sorry.” You could smack yourself with how awkward you already sounded.

The mystery man chuckled and you heard a few clicks as he set up his stream for you. “It’s Wonwoo. What about you?”

“Ah I’m Y/N. Nice to finally put a name to my Key Savior.” You joke cringing at your awkwardness.

The deep laugh shakes you again. “Is that what you’ve been calling me? What else did you call me? Slut glasses?”

“Well, I actually still don’t know if that’s you. I could be placing you with some other dudes face from the bar.” You quickly defend yourself.

“Should we turn on our cameras then Y/N? I’d be happy to see your pretty face again.” He says smoothly.

“Damn, you sure are confident for someone who couldn’t approach me last night.” You tease trying to sound more confident yourself.

“I was trying to be respectful! Turn on your camera, I wanted to talk to you not your Miku profile picture.” He defends himself.

“Fine.” You sigh taking another breath to steel your nerves before pressing the camera button on.

“Wow, you’re prettier than I remember, I don’t know if I’ll be able to focus on the game.” He flirts and you try to hold back the butterflies that swirl in your stomach and formulate a reply.

“Shut up, turn your camera on or I’m turning it back off this is awkward.” You whine failing to hide your desperation to confirm it is who you think it is.

“Fine fine, I’m turning it on.” He replies as his video loads on your screen.

Finally confirming his identity, you gasp. “You are slut glasses!” You spit out smacking your hand over your mouth embarrassed you said that out loud.

He laughs again glancing at you whenever he had the chance to take his eyes off the game to watch as your blush grew reaching up to your ears. “Are these slut glasses? Honestly, I’m just really blind without them. You’re really cute when you blush by the way.” He grins as he watches you squirm from the compliment he tagged onto the end of his reply so nonchalantly.

“Ah focus on your game, you’re getting your ass handed to you right now!” You quickly brush off his comment trying to ignore the way your heart beat just a bit faster.

Wonwoo laughs and focuses more on the screen, not seeming too stressed about his situation. “I’m not that concerned about winning, my friend is just trying to level up.” He barely evaded a hit from the other team and recalls back to the base to heal and grab more items.

“He’d level up faster if you guys win wouldn’t he?” You question, conversation coming easier now that the topic was changed.

“Sure, but where’s the fun if I do all the work for him? What’s in it for me?” He grins looking over to a corner of the screen you’re sure your camera feed is sitting in now.

“You’re cruel!” You smile knowing you’d probably do the same in his position. “You’re not gonna impress me if you don’t win though.” You shoot, surprised at your sudden boost of confidence.

“Oh is that how it is? Thought you didn’t like League gamers?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Well, I’m sitting here watching you, might as well make it interesting and win.” You snap back holding your ground, but you could feel your heart hammering in your chest with anxiety.

“I see… Well I could easily win, but you’ve gotta do something for me if I do.” He states confidently, recalling back to their base and changing his build strategy.

“What would that be?” You ask chewing on your lip to quell the nerves running through you.

“Go on a date with me.” He says simply turning to face the camera more directly watching your face as you process his request. For a moment you were quiet as your brain turned his request over and over in your head, feeling the heat creep up your face. “I mean, if you want to that is..”

“No! I mean!” You smack your face down into your pillows and let out an exasperated sigh. Pull yourself together! “It’s a deal, but it looks like your chances at winning are pretty low now that you’re getting into late game.” You answer after finding your composure.

He chuckles and shifts to pay attention to the game, a newfound look of confidence washing over him made the butterflies become more aggressive in your stomach. “Are you free tomorrow?” He asks calmly as he throws his character into the brute of the fight with the other team, instantly taking out two of them and badly damaging the rest of them.

“Um, yeah I should be.” You answer the anticipation building as he takes out the rest of the team even at lower health before getting healed. “Okay maybe you’re a little too good at this game.”

He smiles, your comment adding fuel to his fire as he rushes the teams base, working in taking out their final turrets. “Only when I want to be. Does afternoon sound okay, like maybe 1 or 2?”

“F-for the date? Is that not too early?” You ask, worried how you’d even survive spending that much time around someone so attractive.

“I have plans and want to spend some time with you. I can always take you home if you want to leave too, I won’t be upset.” He shrugs taking out the last turret as his team immediately attacks the nexus. He turns his attention to you once he’s sure his win is secured, the victory screen flashing across the stream.

“Okay, fine. I mean you won fair and square. Am I allowed to know what these plans are?” You question, already stressing about what to wear.

“Nope, it’s nothing fancy though don’t worry and dress comfortably.” He answers as if he was reading every worried thought that passed through your brain.

You nod gulping down the nerves that continued to creep into your thoughts. “Okay, but I should probably get some stuff done today then. You should ready up for your next game your friends are complaining in chat.” You smile giggling nervously.

He looks a little upset when he hears you’re gonna go but nods and quickly replaces it with a smile. “Sure, I’ll text you though?”

You nod again as your thumb anxiously hovers over the end call button. “For sure, I’ll talk to you soon.”

He grins seemingly pleased with your reaction and leans back in his chair. “Okay, I’ll talk to you soon then Y/N.”

The call ends after your quick goodbyes and you suck in a deep breath before screaming into your pillows. You scramble for your phone quickly dialing Lorraine, she’ll know what to do.

“Good morning sleeping beauty! How’s the hangover?” She answers after a few rings.

“Raine you need to come over right fucking now or I am going to rip my floorboards up.” You rush out already running to your closet to plan an outfit.

“Woah, what happened? Did you not just wake up?” She laughs at your dramatic tone.

“I have a date with slut glasses tomorrow! Come help me before I throw myself off a cliff!” You yell tearing through your closet.

“Oh my god, you’re in a crisis. I’m on my way, but you need to tell me EVERYTHING!” She says shuffling on her end indicating her preparation to leave.

“Of course I will, please just hurry!” You whine squealing as a new text slides down over your ongoing call.

Key Savior🙏: So where should I pick you up tomorrow? :)

[problematicfanfics]

hey i got groped on friday night at the club in a “business casual” fit, sexually assaulted on a date tuesday wearing jorts and a loose t shirt, and then had to evacuate campus for hurricane helene bc we’re in flood zone A. now im staying with my uncle aunt and 12/11 year old cousins. i literally got no complete alone time to process what the fuck happened

the night i got sexually assaulted i basically just called up my friends and was like “hey date went like shit let’s go drink together!” but i genuinely just needed to get violently drunk and high. so i did very successfully. 12 heads in a singles dorm room space after downing copious amounts of wine, liquor, and weed while playing beer pong one floor above us. i took a ten minute nap before we went to mcdonald’s and when i woke up, i asked everyone if we were still going (it was 5 am and we said we were going for the breakfast menu), and they all said “bro none of us can fuckin walk” so i went back to bed.

tell me why i wake up at 7 am sharp, in the same clothes i was SAd in the day before, sleeping in my suitemate’s bed with her? i woke up to her face and i was like “yo why we sleepin together?? wait why am i in her bed???” so i got up to piss then walked into my room to get in my own bed.

i walk in to see my mattress topper halfway off my bed. i tried to push it back on but it wouldn’t budge. i’m like “damn i’m mad hungover if i can’t move a piece of foam.” i reach onto my bed to move my ikea bear (the really big one, i love him) and i fucking find my friend sleeping under it??

i start dying. like actually crying laughing. he gets up and he’s completely coherent he’s like “bro why you laughing?” i’m like “dude i didn’t know you slept in my bed what the fuck happened?” bc he’s literally one floor above us?? why didn’t u walk up one flight of stairs and walk ten steps to ur room? he’s like “well u went to bed in suitemate’s bed so i took yours” WHAT?? so i was like “go back to bed bro” and went back to sleep in my suitemate’s bed.

i wake up again at 9 am and go back into my bedroom to see how my bro’s doing.

tell me how my entire mattress topper was on the floor. the entirety of it. and he was still under seven blankets, my five throw pillows and the stupid bear.

he wakes up and my suitemate’s tells me ANOTHER MF was asleep in my room ON MY RUG. he left at like 6:50 am to walk back to the other side of campus to his room. i felt so bad like he could’ve stayed and i would’ve made him a comfier lil bed :(

at 10 am we all get a notif that we need to be off campus out of our rooms by 1. i’m tweaking, bc my uncle is the one who was picking me up and he didn’t get out of work until 5:30, plus 15-20 min to drive and pick me up, plus the hurricane weather, i wasn’t scooped until 6.

the friend who slept in my bed and i sat in the lobby and waited for his friend w a car to show up so we could at least get out of the school area for now. we went to get sushi, shit was buss. i explained to bro wit da car that i wasn’t getting scooped until at least 5:40 and he was like “nah it’s chill dawg we ain’t in a rush to get to the house we’ll chill w u” so i hung w them until 3pm when his aunt called him and told him he needed to go to the house bc of the storm.

so they dropped me BACK OFF AT THE SCHOOL. WITH MY STUPID SUITCASE. WITH MY SUSHI AND A HAT I STOLE OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. i was tweaking. freaking out, even. i still had 2 hours

they left and bc florida is florida, it was super fucking sunny and warm out. so i sat at one of the many outdoor tables we have.

and of course about 30 min later it starts pouring something fierce. i get soaked. i call up my friend and was like “fuck yall for leaving me in the rain” he’s like “bro i’m sorry i didn’t know it would start raining” YEAH ME NEITHER BUT BRO CMONNNN U COULDVE SAVED ME.

i find a small little indent in my dorm building to hide in w no cameras and i change my shirt. i was still wearing the exact same fit from the entire school day prior. i didn’t even have time to change my clothes by the time i cleaned up all the alcohol left out (which was essential, because they did room checks to make sure everyone was evacuated) and packed my bag properly to go stay w my fam.

same pants, unwashed hair body or face, sunglasses bc of how violently high i got in the morning to forget my week, and sopping wet socks. eating hours old sushi in the outdoor mechanics closet of my dorm.

BUT I STILL LOOKED FLY AS FUCK BC THE SECURITY GUARD COMPLIMENTED MY FIT WHEN HE CAME TO ASK IF I WAS OK 🗣️🗣️🗣️😤😤😤

anyways i’m still tweaking. i’m like actually just not ok rn. and the worst part is i enjoyed my weekend so fucking much. it was amazing and i was so happy how my life was turning around for the better, with a nice normal man (unheard of in my life), a good friend group, and doing decent in my classes. i hung out w a bunch of new people, met some old friends from the beginning of the year, never did too much drugs (even tho it takes a lot for anything to hit me anymore so it’s not hard to avoid, and i don’t enjoy that feeling)

i had so much fun, my friends were pulling cute people, i pulled a decent guy. and im just so mad because i pride myself in how good i am at reading people. and im always so cautious. it just makes me spiral because like i’ve spent my entire life making sure it doesn’t happen again and it DOES. like i do so much to protect myself. i literally don’t even have romantic attractions so every date i go on is like a “ok you’re a good person maybe we can make something work” thing, never like a love at first sight/i actively want to be with you thing, AND I LITERALLY TELL THEM THAT. AND I TELL THEM I DONT FUCK. SO HOW DO I WIN?

i’ll never win 🥲

[agentnico]

The Substance (2024) review

Right, so that was one of the most disgusting films I’ve ever seen. Like I’ll never eat shrimp again, just saying.

Plot: Elisabeth Sparkle, renowned for an aerobics show, faces a devastating blow on her 50th birthday as her boss fires her. Amid her distress, a laboratory offers her a substance which promises to transform her into an enhanced version of herself.

It’s fair to say that 2024 hasn’t been a particularly memorable year for films thus far. In fact outside of Dune I haven’t been truly amazed by any of the releases, and as such have been diving deeper into discovering older movies, mainly through boutique labels like The Criterion Collection, BFI and Indicator. Which don't get me wrong has been wonderful, but I’ve missed seeing decent films at the cinema. However we’re now in the fall movie season which is when all the indie fare that has finished their film festival circuit run now get released to us the regular audience, as well as films that are fighting for a chance to contend at the upcoming award ceremonies. So fingers crossed these last few months redeem 2024, and if The Substance is anything to go by then I thinks movies may truly be back!

The Substance is the type of movie that is made to shock and unsettle an audience. There’s a lot of disturbing imagery, with blood and gore and body horror, very reminiscent of horror films of David Cronenberg like The Fly and Naked Lunch. The final 30 minutes especially are so fun to watch with a crowd of people in a packed theatre, as it’s a kind of visceral and grotesque experience that is at the same time disgusting, horrible yet funny. Let’s not even sugarcoat it - the final 30 minutes are so f-ed up and it was a thrill to experience that with an audience, hearing the gasps and squirms from fellow moviegoers. Definitely up there as one of my favourite cinema trips.

Demi Moore is fantastic here, giving a truly brave performance that carries a lot of commentary in itself. She ends up doing a lot of the emotional work through her eyes, especially to the end of the film, and I must say I can’t recall seeing a performance from her as powerful and memorable as this. She really throws herself into the extremism of this movie, however it is one of the quieter scenes where she really delivers, where her character is getting ready to go on a date but can’t leave the house because of how ashamed she is of her ageing body. It is in this moment where I felt an earnestness that really struck a chord, and a welcome one, as overall this is a pretty campy horror comedy. I say comedy as this movie is really funny, even in the more horrific parts, as the film is aware of its ridiculous premise and satirises the idea of beauty and fame. Oh, and the presence of an over the top Dennis Quaid only added to the parody nature of it all, even though I have read that Quaid’s role was originally meant for Ray Liotta before his unfortunate passing, which makes me wonder of what could have been. Margaret Qualley rounds up the cast as “perfect version” of Moore’s character, and she did fine, though her role was primarily to be eye candy, so I’m reality could have been played by anyone.

We need to also discuss the sound design - it’s impeccable! You hear every crunch, breath and slimy move, so much so that I’m certain this movie would be the biggest turn on for fans of ASMR. The soundtrack too is full of heart-pumping beats, and overall it felt like the director wanted you to FEEL every part of the movie as if you were partaking in the substance yourself.

The Substance is a wonderful and absurd time at the movies, and as long as you’re not too squeamish you’ll have a grand time. Just make sure not to eat anything beforehand, especially not shrimp. Like genuinely I’ve now witnessed some of the most obnoxious chewing ever! Thanks Dennis Quaid!

Overall score: 8/10

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31, 2019 I was telling Tom about my visit with Dixie the other day and how it was a weird coincidence that someone with her name on Facebook was suggested to me right after meeting her. He said I probably mentioned her in a blog and that’s why, and then I remembered Aly mentioning something about algorithms. So I just have to blog about someone I can’t find on Facebook and maybe they’ll be suggested to me instead? I kinda like that idea!

There’s only one Dixie T on Facebook and the only thing I could find on her is that she’s younger than I thought…81. I really thought she was in the late 80s to early 90s. First I thought she was younger till she mentioned Diane’s age.

Pretty sure she doesn’t have any kids of her own from what I can see and that she would have mentioned them if she did. I’m guessing she was married at one point since she refers to Diane as a stepdaughter.

Dixie replied to my emails. I ended up sending two because in the second one, I told her I was unable to text her because the number she gave me is a landline.

She writes well. She said she had a difficult day and expected to have a rough time with Diane this evening because she hasn’t been wanting to take showers lately. She thinks it might be because the support bars are in a different place. Also, Diane has an obsession with bubbles every now and then and Dixie has to watch her so that she washes herself instead of plays.

LOL, I can see why she wouldn’t want to leave her alone for long, especially at night. That must be quite a handful for Dixie to manage since she can barely walk. It just seems like an enormous responsibility!

She said she enjoyed my company and our chats and that if I see her on her patio when I’m out walking, do stop by.

She said she would purchase one of my books this afternoon, but if she did, it’s not showing on my sales report. So if anyone’s been buying my books, either sales take time to show up or Kobo is ripping me off worse than Amazon.

My giant wind chime is too annoying even for me so I took it down. It was like a fucking gong going off out there. Wouldn’t be surprised if some of the neighbors could hear it as well. I’ll hang onto it and see where we end up. If we’re going to have a piece of land somewhere where I can hang it further from the house, I may take it. If not, I’ll hang it back out there before we go and let the next people decide what they want to do with it. Or maybe Dixie would like it.

Right after 8:30, I decided it was a good time to go out walking and then I saw a skunk across the street. I came back in and then I said, “I’m not letting these bastards control me.” So back out I went and I didn’t see any more skunks. There were still some people and traffic out which made me feel a little more comfortable as far as the skunks went. I know they don’t chase people but I don’t want to accidentally get too close to one when it’s harder to see at night and they could be in the shadowy sections of the park.

Ended up walking for about 25 minutes. I didn’t see Dixie on her patio on the way back but that’s okay. We don’t need to chat every single day and she knows I’m not overly sociable to begin with, even though she says I’ve been the friendliest in the 10 months she’s been here whereas most people just wave and say hello and that’s it.

I decided that my book Digital Confessions is too stupid for publication so I’m going through Forget It now.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than proudly telling someone about my new Labrador.

Aly and Cam almost make me seem like I hardly have any appointments. Never have I known people in their 30s to have so many appointments, urgent care trips, ER trips, and hospital stays! Cam had numbness and tingling in his lower back and hips, collapsed at work, and Aly’s last message was that he was at the ER and may be admitted. Damn!

I’m starting to wonder if Aly really is still reading my journals that I email her, so I’m thinking I might do a little test and send her one asking which sentence sounds better for a story I’m editing or something like that and see if she replies.

MONDAY, JULY 29, 2019 Although it was 15 degrees cooler today, I only walked for a half-hour instead of an hour because even at 8:30 it was still kind of warm.

As I was coming up Astro, there was still enough light to see Dixie sitting on her patio. We ended up talking for a half-hour. She tells me I’m the only one who has been nice to her and even though I’ve known others here for longer, she’s the first person I consider an actual friend of sorts here. Not an Aly kind of friend but a friend nonetheless since she’s just different than Bob, Virginia and the Twenties and people like that.

Not sure she’s all there but she’s harmless. She does get contradictory and seems to be forgetful at times but hey, she’s got to be well in her 80s. First she said she loved Ray and Nora whom she got the place from. Ray was the grumpy old man I didn’t like and tonight she said nobody liked him. Well, Jon did.

She told me a little about her stepdaughter Diane and yes, she’s mentally challenged but an amazing survivor from what she told me. Her parents took off to Alaska and dumped her in a state hospital where she grew up for 25 years. I thought my childhood was bad! Diane is 72. That loud obnoxious Pride bus takes her to recreational activities.

Dixie said some Mexican woman who watches her at times is too busy with too many jobs and she wanted to know if I would be willing to take over and I actually wouldn’t mind except for my sleep disorder which I explained to her and she seemed to accept it without judgment. She even seemed to understand too, LOL. She said something about going somewhere at night in September and not wanting to leave Diane alone. I told her that if she calls me and I’m up and available and not doing anything else at the moment, I would be happy to help out but couldn’t make plans in advance.

She hates Trump too and is sure that he, Putin and Kim are going to take over the world as evil dictators but I assured her I have a very strong feeling Trump will not be re-elected.

Here’s something weird. I asked if her last name was T and she said yes. I told her that after we first met, a Dixie T appeared on my People You May Know section of Facebook and that person has no profile picture and only one friend in Loomis. She swears it’s not her and that she’s not even on Facebook because she doesn’t ever want to get caught up in social media or anything like that. Says there’s no way it could be Diane either. So even though she’s either denying it, has multiple personalities, is incredibly forgetful, or has a very strange impersonator, I like her. There’s just something that makes her likable even though she doesn’t shut up and may not be very bright or 100% with it.

They lived in some nearby condo for 30 years and she injured her leg and can’t walk well, so she was hoping coming here would make it better but it didn’t. She has to use one of those sit-down carts that you drive when going to Walmart.

Since I’m forgetful too, I forgot that I already have her number on my phone. She gave it to me when we were helping her with her clicker. We exchanged email addresses and I sent her a test email.

She wouldn’t tell me her age, saying she was sensitive about that and I told her that’s perfectly fine. What I didn’t tell her is that it’s obvious she’s pretty old, LOL. She’s frail, arthritic and definitely old looking but I’ve seen worse.

I don’t think she’ll be a pest or anything but at least anyone that comes to the door can’t wake me up and neither can a phone call or an email. She should be easy to ignore if she contacts me when I don’t want to be bothered but I can’t see her getting pesky. As I said, she’s nice and likable and in some ways, if I needed a ride or something like a glass of milk, I would feel more comfortable going to her than to others.

That’s another funny thing she said. She just spent $100 at Sam’s Club and didn’t get anything fresh, LOL. Like she was beating herself up afterward for not doing so.

When I was leaving I said it was a little dark but I would be able to find my way back. And she asked if Tom worried about me walking at night by myself, LOL. Not in a gated community. Diane goes to bed the same time he does, so she was asleep. Anyway, she told me to go down the front steps, then she said no, go out the back and then all of a sudden she remembered she could turn the front light on and I would see my way down the stairs in front, haha, so I did. I couldn’t get in the front door because our fucking door gets stuck at this time of year so I had to come in back.

Discovered another food that doesn’t seem to put weight on me and I’m surprised to say that it’s toast since bread is supposed to be bad for weight loss. As I mentioned before, Tom and I convinced each other to jump on diets together at least till August 10th. Even though his metabolism seems to be slower than mine despite having a working thyroid, I think he’ll be down 5 to 10 lb because he has more weight to lose than I do but I don’t think I’m ever getting under 153 until I’m old and dying. Need to have 1000 calories a day to bust under that and the only way to do that would be with the stomach band because I’m not going to magically acquire the incredibly amazing willpower it would take to do that every day for months. I also can’t live on toast and popcorn for a year, but yeah, I was really hungry when I was getting ready for bed so I threw a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and sprayed it with zero-calorie butter spray and found it didn’t put any weight on me.

Just to see if it was a coincidence or not, I had a couple of pieces of toast shortly after I got up and had my coffee and found that it still didn’t put weight on me. Then I waited about an hour and had another couple of slices and got the same results… No weight gain. I’m pretty sure bread is still supposed to be bad for you either way because it supposedly has a negative influence on blood sugar or something like that. I’ll have to do some research sometime.

Poor Aly found mice again in their garage. They set up cameras and found the nest and have some guy coming to remove it. She also has the same cough and congestion she had before. At least if they ever have to move they can do it right away as most people can.

Had my first dream involving Cam. Even though I’ve never seen a picture of him, I still knew who he was. I lived alone in a place that didn’t look anything like this, and he and Aly came to visit. As we were all getting ready to turn in one night, he started complaining that I was coming between their relationship. Well, he used the word “marriage,” actually.

“So just because I turn to her during some tough times that means I’m coming between you? Well, I’m sorry if I came between you or you think I did,” I said.

I couldn’t believe how rude he was after I put them up for free. I momentarily thought of kicking him out but that would mean kicking Aly out as well and I didn’t want to do that to her. I decided to go to bed, if I wasn’t too pissed to sleep, and would deal with his rude ass in the morning.

Told Aly about the dream and she said he was not accusatory or jealous in any way even though it was still an interesting dream.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 2019 Went swimming and the pool was both deserted and gorgeous on what turned out to be a 106° day. Very hot and dry with only 14% humidity. The water felt cool at first, then perfect, then slightly warm after I got out for a second, then dove back in.

Getting excited with August right around the corner! Definitely onto something with the brand and the dose. Just don’t know how much of the dose is a factor these days but brand…definitely!

The only thing that bothers me is what if I never figured this out? How long would it have been before any doctor told me to question and experiment with brands?

Tom was telling me about an article he read where everyone in this guy’s family, including him, would be so dizzy that they would be bedridden. The doctors did all kinds of tests, including testing his thyroid and looking for tumors yet found nothing. Eventually, they gave up on him and told him to go to a shrink. In the end, he had to be his own doctor in order to figure out what was wrong with him. Through research, he learned that the tip of one of his adrenal glands was enlarged. But because the tissue wasn’t abnormal but just more of what was normal, it didn’t show up during testing.

I also remember this movie I saw where this girl started doing crazy things and she too, was referred to a shrink when it turned out she had a rare autoimmune disease that affected her brain. One doctor who actually cared and wasn’t too lazy to do the work of figuring it out, discovered it.

It really does bother me and even pissed me off when I think of all these so-called experts that fail to consider other possibilities. I realize they can’t always be perfect and they don’t always know it all and get it right, but the number of doctors that prefer to take the easy way out and write something off as simple anxiety or whatever is a bit frightening. There’s no excuse for that! We have lost so, so much time and money on anxiety-related appointments that could have been prevented.

Same with the lady rash I had. If Alyssa had just fucking diagnosed me correctly, I never would have gone through the intense burning and itching of steroids and suffered 4 years when all I had to do was switch to all-cotton undies, change them a few times a day, use free and clear soaps and detergents, and get a bidet. It just seems like any doctor should be smart enough to have been able to diagnose and tell me these things the first time around. So Amy is definitely my hero, and Tom confirms that everything looks normal again down there. :-)

I do admit that Dr. O didn’t brush my entire case off as me just being anxious and that she did tell me and explain about pocket flares in the thyroid, which probably had a hand in the booming heart episodes I was having.

Also, when I was telling my GYN what happened she did say, “Oh, yeah, Levothyroxine can have some pretty scary consequences.” She didn’t say, “Anxiety isn’t even a side effect,” like Dr. A did.

Alyssa also did tell me it could make my heart race but for the most part, she blamed it on severe anxiety. Yeah, I had severe anxiety, all right, but it was mostly the medication at that time and some perimenopause. Sometimes she would kind of acknowledge this but Dr. A has always completely denied the medication as having a hand in it. This doesn’t mean I think Dr. A’s a bad doctor. She’s fine with everything else and I’ve seen her for half a decade now so I’m comfortable with her. From the research I’ve done and other stories I’ve heard, sadly, it’s common for patients with problems with Levothyroxine to be written off as simple anxiety cases because most people don’t have problems with the drug and it’s easier for the doctors that way. The less work they have to do to figure things out and look at other alternatives, the easier their jobs are.

I won’t even begin to get into the joke of an endo I first had with the other medical group. Amazing how she had a shitload of negative reviews when she lived here, but then she goes down to SoCal and everybody just loves her. Yeah, right! Fuck you, Doc D.

This isn’t to say I won’t ever be anxious again. I’m not postmenopausal yet and I’m still on this very strong and sometimes finicky drug. But in four months I’ve had only nine anxious days, most of which were mild and short-lived compared to the relentless, kickass anxiety I suffered for so long I wished I would die. Hopefully, it will continue to remain few and far between and short-lived if it doesn’t completely go away, but if anyone knows what it’s like to have the carpet yanked out from under her, it’s me. So I know there’s still a possibility it could come back full force as unlikely as it seems. I think as long as I stay on this brand and then cut my dose back down again if I try 75s and have problems again, I should be okay.

Still paying off things, though. Tom’s almost done paying off his MRI, and my ENT appointment was $250, we just learned. The biopsy is going to be at least $500, so we’re always in medical debt at least until we’re 65.

I wish I could be my own doctor again and figure out my weight so I could lower my risk of heart disease and other things even though it’s only 30 extra pounds, but there’s nothing to “figure out” in that case. I’m just older with shitty genetics. I don’t think being able to tolerate my medication to the point where I had perfect numbers would help either because Tom’s numbers have always been perfect yet his metabolism is even slower than mine. Most guys his height can have over 2,000 calories a day and still lose weight. He has to go to 1600 or lower.

I can’t get under 153 pounds without going under 1200 calories but that’s just too hard. Less than 1200 leaves me tired, grumpy, and hungry as hell. It’s just part of aging. If most older people could just lose weight, they would. I’m just glad my problem isn’t a lot worse as opposed to poor Tom. He has about 100 pounds to lose. We’re definite proof, though, that you don’t have to eat like a pig and sit on your ass all the time to be fat. I don’t even know if I can stay in the 150s all my life (even though I agree with those who say I look more like I’m 120 to 130 since I’m muscular) but I decided that when he’s 80, that’s it, LOL. I’m going to eat whatever whenever at that time since we won’t have that many years left anyway by then.

Purse stealing seems to be a common dream with me. Again, I got my purse stolen in my dreams when I was in this bus station and placed my hot pink purse down on the counter next to me. I only turned my head in the opposite direction for a split second and then it was gone.

This dream took place back in Springfield and I didn’t even know Tom. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get on the bus now that I didn’t have my purse and money to pay for the fare.

I sat down on a bench and a younger woman with long dark hair (OMG, every time I voice type my pigs start chatting, LOL) sat down next to me and seemed very friendly.

I don’t know how I got home but now I knew Tom, and an older woman that might have been my mom tried to call him at work about my stolen purse. She talked to somebody briefly, hung up, and said he was home. Then, sure enough, Tom walked into the place and I told him immediately about what happened.

The other dream seemed to be in Florida. They made a pool out of a small lake. Parts of it had a cement retaining wall and there were ladders like you would find in a pool. I stuck a foot in it and found the water to be nice and warm.

SATURDAY, JULY 27, 2019 Really annoys me to be told by Tom that I’m just “more aware” these days and that there aren’t really any more loud cars than usual. Does he think he can brainwash me or something? Been pretty aware and observant all my life. We did NOT have as many loud vehicles years ago. Or as much traffic, loud or not. Plus, others have noticed the same thing. Yet no matter what I say, he’s always gotta disagree or suggests it’s “just me.”

“You’d never complain about a plane before.”

No, I wouldn’t…until there were dozens of them every day. They’ve been better lately but I’m sure that by September they’ll be an issue again. Small planes and helicopters are still a bit annoying at times, but hey, that’s just the new me, right? It couldn’t be because we’re close to an airport. Closer than any other place we’ve ever lived.

Didn’t sleep the greatest, although I’ve slept worse and awoken even more tired than I did. Heard the bastard who’s back as expected leave shortly after I got up. Yeah, he’s the bastard who likely woke me up a few hours before I got up when something loud zoomed by, but I won’t tell Tom that. It just gets too frustrating hearing how it’s just me being more aware, being “angry,” or perhaps I was just dreaming it.

Anyway, I’m sure the prick will be back again soon enough, making up for those few days it didn’t get to see its mommy and daddy. But I won’t make a comment like Carolyn and expect him to comment as well as Jon does. Instead of commenting, he’ll just be bothered by my comment/complaint.

There’s an estate sale going on at Dusty’s, so I guess the woman she took care of who lived there for 30 years died, and that house is next to go on the market.

Aly said she wouldn’t even tell Cam who she was considering dumping, let alone me. So it wasn’t me then. She’d certainly tell Cam if it was.

We went out to Rite Aid and neither of us got a single treat. Well, unless my merlot counts. That’s kind of become my new candy. Love the way it makes me feel and helps me unwind at the end of my day.

I had a dream I rode my bike to some pet store and purchased a small clear pink plastic cage for small animals. Then for some strange reason, I agreed to take this huge box and a large plastic ball, even though I knew I had no use for them and that the animals wouldn’t care for the ball. Instead of telling them, I had changed my mind, I simply said I would have to come back for the big box and ball because I could only take so much on my bike. I decided to myself I wouldn’t return, though.

Then I was talking to a young mom who adopted a baby girl and was a really good mother while remembering a documentary I’d seen about an older woman adopting a child that she abused and thinking how different they were.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 2019 Only I can have a bowl of popcorn, a beef patty, a cup of coffee, a Slim-Fast shake, and a mac & cheese cup and go from 153.2 to 156.4 in 7 hours. So yeah, going to be right where I am on the 10th, the day we guessed where we’ll be after starting diets together. Oh, he’ll get the results most people get from sticking to diets if he does stick to it, but I think I’ll be 153-154, which seems to be my new low. sighs Sometimes we can’t make our bodies do things they don’t want to do. I just have one of those bodies that don’t respond to diet and exercise. It may respond to 800-1000 calories, but that’s no way to live. Not for me, anyway. Meanwhile, we’re guessing he’ll be down to 260 and he thinks I’ll be down to 149-150. No way. LOL, just no way. He started at 270 and I started at 155. These are first-thing-in-the-morning weights.

I was frying a beef patty in Caribbean Jerk marinade when the damn thing splattered in my eye as I went to flip it. That definitely didn’t tickle!

Tom got two free pillows from work. Some company screwed up and instead of sending computer parts, they sent pillows so everybody got free pillows. I’m going to leave them in their packages and take them when we move. The pillows we’re using now should be fine until we get out of here.

We went to the pool shortly after he got in and there were four other women there. The water was chilly but still pleasant.

When I came back I had a strange toothache. It was more like that section of my jaw ached than the tooth itself. It was by my upper I-teeth, towards the right.

So I’m back on Ask, as I said yesterday, and I see that Aly’s account goes back 6 months. In one of her answers from January, she says she’s currently considering cutting someone out of her life and I can’t help but wonder if that was me she was referring to, but more than likely it was either Molly or Kim. I asked her on WhatsApp but if I don’t get an answer, then maybe it really was me.

I know that because she’s already dumped me once, she could do it again but if she does, that’s it. I’m not going to fight for her or anyone else who doesn’t want to be in my life. I may not be as unforgiving as I wish I was, but I think one area I have improved in is not wasting time over those who don’t want to bother with me. I’m not going to lower and belittle myself by begging someone to stick around. I’m going to just enjoy every day that they’re in my life and leave it at that.

Aly’s both easy and tricky to deal with. She’s great because she’s very intelligent and she’s not the least bit judgmental. But she is very emotional and sensitive and one can never know what may upset her and that could be the most innocent of statements and even single words. Hell, the word “busy” is a trigger for her because it reminds her of when she would be told by adults as a kid that they were busy and to go find something else to do. So I could say that I took my nose spray earlier and maybe the word “nose” will be a horrible trigger for her. While I certainly wouldn’t want to intentionally offend her, I’ve got to be myself as well, so I’m careful not to mention those few trigger words but I’m not going to worry about every single fucking thing I say either. No one can please everyone. No one. There’s nothing we can say, think, do or believe that wouldn’t offend someone somewhere.

Funny how as soon as we make up our minds to go rural in a year or two, I don’t hear the mama’s boy for a few days. As in, things getting quieter before we move, as usual. Then again, he does disappear every now and then and it’s not like a year or two is a few months from now.

Although I would have preferred to schedule my Revenge story on a different Google account, creating multiple accounts at the same place can be a pain in the ass, so I’ve scheduled it in a blog of its own to publish in 2055. I know there’s a risk that the entire account would be shut down if someone saw it and reported it, be it the people I want it seen by or not, thus canceling out the journals that are scheduled in their own blog also for 2055, but there are no guarantees anyway. The scheduling is only for if we both died suddenly and unexpectedly without warning, like in a car crash or something. If I know I’m going to die or we both know we’re both going to die or I die suddenly, one of us will publish what I want to be published.

Last night I dreamed I was going to some doctor somewhere that might have been a dentist. Or maybe not. I’m not really sure. She was reluctant to see me because she thought I might like her a little too much. This wasn’t true but I asked if she could at least take care of something she had started on, but I’m not sure what. Then she said, “Yeah, I guess I’m obligated to finish blah blah blah…”

After seeing her, I left her office which was in a small building and realized I was barefoot. So I went back in and searched for my shoes and couldn’t find them. I gave up and went back outside. But then I really wanted my shoes because I didn’t want to step on anything that could cut my feet, so knowing that I had them when I went in there and that they had to be in there somewhere, I went back in, determined to find them before they closed, which was soon.

Unable to find the shoes upon a second search, I started to get really worried that I would be stuck there barefoot. I don’t know if I was expecting someone to pick me up or if I just couldn’t get very far without shoes in order to call for a ride or get home on my own. For a split second, I was tempted to smash their windows once they closed to trigger their alarms and alert the police that I was stuck there. Then I quickly dismissed the idea, knowing they would take me to jail and not home if I did.

In another dream, I seemed to be waiting forever in some kind of car parts store. The store had a little waiting room in back and I was sitting with half a dozen other people waiting for the cashier to be available. I thought about getting some headlights that I knew my mother needed, but then thought better of it in case I got the wrong ones.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 2019 I scheduled the books that I had on Amazon to be published on Kobo over the next few months but they all published at once. Well, they put them out as pre-order items actually. So there are 5 published and 5 pre-orders.

Ordered a couple more sleeveless nightgowns because I’m low on summer nighties right now. I have one in pink, aqua, yellow and black. Soon I’ll have turquoise and lilac as well, so that will make six.

We ordered another bidet for the other bathroom as well. Definitely love the thing and wish I had it a long time ago. I already can’t wait to get one with a dryer in the next place. I always feel fresh and clean. Not only has the burning and itching in my crotch stopped but I don’t have that rash in my groin anymore. The leaking stopped too, or whatever that was where no matter how patient I was a drop of pee would sometimes leak which was why I wore liners for a while. It’s like a true miracle!

I created an email account in a bogus name and created a new account on Ask when Aly told me that new accounts aren’t being redirected. Well, they’re being hit with that game scam popping up on the phone so hopefully, it won’t happen on the laptop. So far, so good but as I told her, if it happens again with this account, I’m gone for good! Hate some of the changes they’ve made to that site but CC is pretty dead. At least it’s there as a backup, though.

She told someone on CC she ditched the account many knew about for a new one where she would no longer have the irritation/hurt of people deactivating.

Rolls eyes A little sensitive, are we? I can see getting a little frustrated but hurt? Literally, hurt? You gotta get off the internet if you’re that sensitive and going to take things that seriously! Really, that’s the one thing that annoys me about her. She’s way too sensitive and melodramatic at times, making way too big a deal out of some things. I got tired of having to watch every little thing I said, so since I can’t know if even the most innocent of statements may be something she’ll take the wrong way, I just say what I’ve got to say and accept that we can’t please everyone.

It really bothers me that people can look up what email accounts we have and what sites we’ve joined through those email addresses because it simply shouldn’t be anyone’s business unless we choose to tell them. So that’s why I created the bogus AOL email address under a random name. I don’t know why this country wants to bear and share it all but it’s definitely not big on privacy unless you take measures to do whatever you can to get some.

Didn’t sleep as well so I’m kind of tired today. I never sleep well during the daytime. I think it’s the stress of having to deal with the earbud and traffic, he thinks it’s perimenopause. Then why do I sleep better at night? I don’t think my hormones know what time of day it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 2019 Good news. I no longer have to worry about the painting of the roads waking me up because they did it today. Tom was right. It wasn’t loud. Now let’s see if they can stay out of the roads for more than a year!

I scheduled a handful of books to publish over the next few months but they published all at once. This is still okay, though. Aly has been kind enough to proofread Dumping Davina along with me. Once in the store, I’ll tip Alyssa off about it and let her know she inspired the Laurina character. LOL Wonder if it would make her curious enough to buy it, but I doubt it.

Started getting rid of clothes that were too small for me. No more of the, “I’ll wear them when I lose weight” bullshit because I’m never losing weight.

The calls are back. Got a couple that left voice messages claiming my social security number has been suspended due to suspicious activity.

Do they really think people are that dumb?

We’re in the triple digits which will make the pool pleasant for us. We were thinking of going for a dip on Friday evening. But even I get sick of intense heat after a while because it makes it so hard for working out and sleeping, especially working out. I’m on the treadmill right now and I have to do it in chunks.

I woke up for an hour or so at 6 after crashing at midnight and I should have made myself get up then because it’s still going to be a struggle to get to my next two appointments. Instead, I ended up dozing off until 11. :-(

While I dozed I had a dream I could definitely have done without. I don’t know if we were living in an adult community or where it was but the black bitch lived in our neighborhood. She had the same kind of screen mesh alongside her carport that we have.

I was walking by when it was dark and I could see a faint glow of light through the screen and then I heard her arguing with who I assumed was Mike somewhere in the carport. Then the talk turned romantic and she was talking about having another kid. I couldn’t wait to tell Tom and wonder how she would pull that off since that may be pretty tough to do at 44. In reality, she’s only a few years younger than me.

Then I was suddenly inside her house. She wasn’t home and I don’t know if I broke in or if I was with anyone else, but I was surprised at how immaculate it was. I was drinking coffee and poured what was left of it down the drain and put the cup in her dishwasher. Then I wondered if she’d recognize me if she came home, and thought I better just get out of there instead.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 2019 If you like the sound of landscaping, then Tuesdays are the days you would love it here. They do the greenbelt and one of the houses across the street on Tuesdays so it’s definitely the most active day for those mowers and blowers.

I totally love the new bidet and wish I’d gotten it years ago. It always leaves me as fresh as if I just stepped out of the shower. If only I had known! I don’t know if it was the treatment or the lack of regular use of a bidet or not always wearing all-cotton underwear that was giving me so many problems, but it’s great to feel so much better! Really thought I was doomed for life down there.

I just worry it might be a bit cold in the winter because it’s pretty cool right now and it’s 100° out there.

It has six levels of pressure and I like it best between one and two. I honestly don’t see how anybody could stand getting even remotely close to max pressure without ripping their asses apart.

I like the regular setting better than the feminine setting because the regular setting gets more toward the front of me. The feminine setting is actually best for taking dumps.

The only thing I hate is that now the toilet seat is even higher. That’s because the bidet nozzle goes between the bowl and the seat. You have to wedge these rubber pieces between the lid and bowl to fill in the gap, and I woke up to find the two back pieces in the toilet. Tom will glue them when he gets home.

Hoping to get bidets with dryers in the next place. Then, just like we eliminated our need for gas by getting an electric car, we wouldn’t need toilet paper either.

Had to get pig food on Amazon but I’m not going to get additional popcorn makers. Yeah, all the colors are cool but I really don’t need a dozen popcorn makers. My pink and purple ones are enough.

Sick of that live chat thing already. The people are boring and it’s not like I’m thirsting to talk to strangers, make new cyber pals, or meet anyone. It’s almost all men and if I don’t get some kid, I get some slut. To each their own but I just don’t find these folks interesting. I guess I’m just picky and hard to impress.

We were talking about when we think we can get out of here, and while life isn’t usually what we plan it and things often take longer than expected, we’re hoping that if things go well with his apps, next year. If not, the year after.

Still excited to return to country living despite the pros and cons. One concern is if he has a 45-minute drive to work and I absolutely have to start a new medication, well, that may be scary with a medication phobia and even scarier if something went wrong. Also, we do have an electric car and it can’t drive forever.

There are also pros and cons of going off the grid. I would prefer to have everything we need already there (the well, electricity), but then if we went off-grid we could pick out our own house. I’m hoping for 5-10 acres to get further from the street as opposed to 1-2 acres, but it seems that the bigger parcels are more likely to be off the grid.

I finally got a health update from Tammy and it’s not good. I was under the impression she was doing better and that she didn’t have sarcoidosis but just typical lung damage from smoking. I keep getting conflicting reports when I look up the life expectancy for those with sarcoidosis. Some say it will kill you within a decade by causing complications with things like the heart, lungs and brain. Other reports say it’s not disabling and most people live normal lives with it.

They’re going to be burning nerves during two separate surgeries next month in her lower back. I was surprised to hear this because I thought she said that when they did this in her neck, it failed to help and actually made things worse.

She had to get a fentanyl patch recently but says the sarcoidosis, which she does have, is stable at the moment.

Another thing is something with a heart valve that is being closely monitored. That’s the scariest thing she mentioned because that’s something that certainly could affect me as well with all the heart disease running in the family. I’m hoping that because I quit smoking a lot younger than anyone else did and am in better shape, I’ll escape these issues or at least not get hit with them until much later in life. I know that being thinner and more active than other family members doesn’t make me exempt from problems but I’m doing my best mostly by keeping active and eating healthy. It’s a lot easier to cut out sodium than cholesterol because I feel like my food options are limited without meat.

Aly went to her GYN this morning for a pelvic exam and some x-rays to make sure she doesn’t have any more fibroids, and I’m waiting for a report from her and hoping she doesn’t need that hysterectomy but it may be the only solution to these ongoing problems she’s been having. She’s been suffering a lot of pain and bleeding on and off. It’s really too bad she’s not able to have that bone marrow operation as well. This country is just so fucking fucked up when it comes to healthcare, and it’s scary how many doctors fuck up as well. They misdiagnosed Tammy, and 5 years ago they told me I was “just anxious,” 2 years ago they told me I had first LP and then LS, and how long would it have been before a doctor was smart enough to tell me to question my brand of medication had I not caught onto that myself?

She said two doctors have told her that the humidity is making her worse but I wonder why she wants to go to North Carolina? It may not be as humid as Florida but it’s still humid enough. I’d go to New Mexico or Nevada. Can’t recommend Arizona after what that fucking state did to me.

MONDAY, JULY 22, 2019 Tom and I had a fun, interesting and exciting chat yesterday. As you know, I’ve been torn between rural Nevada and subtropical Florida. I could sit here forever listing tons of pros and cons to both of them.

But then we looked on Zillow to get ideas of what’s available in both areas and then it hit me. Who says we have to choose one or the other? Why not do both? Hawaii may be just a fantasy but why not go down to the Nevada or New Mexico desert for a handful of years and then finish off in Florida?

We talked about the benefits of him working until he’s 70, and to be honest, as long as I’m not suffering in the way that I was with the anxiety ever again, I’d be okay with that. It’s nice to know that if worse came to absolute worse and I needed him to be home all the time, he could now retire, get whatever assistance we may need to supplement the retirement income and be home with me full-time.

If he works until 70, we’d get just over $2,000 a month and I’d start getting a bigger percentage then as I’d be 62. I wouldn’t get as much if he retired at 66 and got $1,600 a month. Right now it would only be $1,100 a month. So I hope he’s not being overly optimistic when he insists that coding apps can eventually boost our income by a few hundred dollars a month.

The idea of going to the desert until he’s 70 excites me mostly because I’m sick of the crowds and being so close to such busy streets. It might explain some of the “country dreams” I’ve had, too. I know and accept that if we go rural there’s going to be nonstop barking from the neighboring properties because that’s just the west for you. Dogs aren’t considered household pets here unless they have to be. So I know I’ll be in for barking day and night. But at this point, if I have to have sound machines on all the time to drown out noise that’s at least drownable rather than have to worry about ferociously loud sounds overriding the sound machine and waking me up, so be it. It’s a compromise I’m willing to make at this point since I’m not allowed to live in peace anywhere. We just have to be sure to get a place at least 100’ from the road and avoid flight paths. I’m talking about military flight paths. Living with Sonic booms was no fun at all.

I don’t know if we’re really going to do this as I do know that one’s plans often get thrown off course due to circumstances out of their control. One of us could develop health issues that could ultimately prevent us from moving to Florida in the end or something like that. I don’t like the idea of remaining in a climate similar to this or even a little colder, but I would take eight more years of that out in the country before I took five more years of it right here. I know yesterday was unusually quiet and it’s been quiet so far today, but I can pretty much guarantee that it ain’t going to last long. The loud car, other loud vehicles, and landscaping will make their presence known before I know it. In fact, here’s the mama’s boy right now.

Yes, rural pose some potential problems like a higher risk of a home invasion, longer waiting time in the event of an emergency, and the potential for more problems from neighboring properties, it also opens the door to all kinds of exciting possibilities as well. While the neighbors may be blasting music, letting their dogs yip and yap, and allowing their trash to blow onto our land since we’re likely going to have to go back to burning trash in a metal drum, we could get our own pool again! Not an inground pool like we had in Phoenix but one of those inflatables. About four feet deep is all we need and remember, one of us is short. I could have fun and just two or three feet of water. :-)

We could also get a dog sooner. The reason we haven’t gotten one here is that I can’t always be available to walk it during the daytime when he’s at work. But if we had land somewhere out in the country, we could put it outside during those times. Why not? Everyone else’s dogs would be outside. I just want to make sure that this time around we have adequate fencing to keep loose dogs out. Hated that in Arizona! Yeah, that’s another thing; they don’t just let them bark nonstop without a care in the world as to who it may annoy, they let them run loose, too.

I don’t know if we’ll get an established piece of land that already has a home on it or if we’ll go off the grid, but I guess that depends on what we find and the costs. We really don’t want to go over $100,000.

At first I was like, but we can’t get a place unless he’s fully retired or he could show he’s been at a job for at least a year, but given how much the average manufactured home is selling for in this area, I think we could actually get at least $70,000 for it as is. So if we put $30,000 down on a house, that leaves us $40,000 to hold us over until he can get a job, and it’s not going to take him two years to get one. Not unless we have another huge recession and that’s unlikely.

We saw a gorgeous modern house listed on a property in Belen, New Mexico, so we’re keeping our eyes peeled. Even if we do this, it’s not going to happen tomorrow or the next day. The biggest thing is that we stay healthy! As far as I can see, sudden and unexpected health issues could be the only thing that could hold us back. Hopefully, I’ll never experience the kind of anxiety I experienced because I’m never going to be in the heart of perimenopause again and I’m never going to be dumb enough to keep taking medication that so obviously seems to have a big hand in making me feel like shit. I’m now going to know about cutting back and questioning brands, etc.

With August approaching, my excitement is definitely turning up a notch after having just 9 anxious days which were mostly pretty mild compared to the weeks and sometimes months of hardcore anxiety I used to go through. I’m definitely onto something with the brand. No doubt about it. I’ll never touch Mylan or Lannett again. As far as dosage? I can’t say for sure exactly how much of that was a factor at this time. I won’t know until and if I return to 75s.

77 days. Just 77 days is all I need to go without a period and I’ll be officially menopausal!

Anyway, there are pros and cons to just about every state. I don’t like how Florida, New Mexico and Nevada don’t have the Death with Dignity Act that should have been implemented everywhere ages ago. That would be one of the few negatives to leaving Cali. Cali also has more programs than any other state. We couldn’t afford to stay here on $1,600 a month, but then we would get food stamps and free insurance to supplement us. Cali is a very giving state. It’s just harder to get stuff when you’re white and you’re from here. We shamelessly took food stamps in Auburn during the recession and it helped us tremendously. We were only disappointed that we didn’t know we qualified for help sooner. A lot sooner.

There is nothing more important than good health and happiness. Nothing. I would rather be happy and healthy and have just enough to get by than feel like shit with all kinds of extra money. Hell, I’d be dirt poor before I went through what I went through for most of the time we lived in this house!

Now for a surprising update on Tammy. First she tells me she’s reluctant to discuss her health with me because she read in my journal how I wrote that we spoke and once again it was all about her health issues. She’s correct. I did indeed write this not because I was sick of hearing about her health but because that seemed to be 99% of what we talked about. She would rarely ask things about me and I felt like I had to volunteer whatever. I don’t mind discussing the same things over and over for the most part (unless it’s race, politics or religion). It’s when that’s all I hear about that it gets old. Like me bitching about the noise or talking about the rats. I can see where that would get old for some people but what if that was all I talked about?

The question is where the hell did she see this? That’s something I would have kept private.

The surprising part was when she said the house was for sale and they’re moving to the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. I was like… WTF? How did she go from Ohio to North Carolina? I thought maybe they had a falling out with Mark’s family but she said Ohio would be hard on him, whatever that meant. I’m thinking it has to do with the climate. I told her I couldn’t imagine her moving to Ohio and that she would regret every single snowflake just like I did in Oregon.

Getting a little worried about my weight. At first it looked like cutting my pills wouldn’t affect it but now I don’t know. Or maybe it would’ve happened even if my numbers were perfect and it’s just part of aging and my shitty genetics, but it’s getting harder to get even just those few pounds off that I’ve always been able to lose.

My weight’s still the same at 155.2 (has been for days now) and I worry either something’s wrong with me or it’s too late to lose weight. I’m afraid I’ve hit the latest highs too many times to get back down. The longer the extra weight hangs on, the more it becomes a part of you. So now getting to 153-154 may be a thing of the past. I’ll eat a little less today and tomorrow we’ll see if 155 really has “become me” or not.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 2019 Tom and I power-hosed the patio and furniture.

My office is now back in the living room once again but I’m not using the corner desk there. Well, I have the giant TV on it, but I actually brought out the smaller desk I had in the bedroom to put in front of it, angled the treadmill to the left of it, and put a small bookcase to the right of it, forming a U-shaped workspace. The idea is for me to be able to go back and forth from working on the treadmill to working sitting down at the desk without having to unplug things. The screen is a little high when sitting at the desk in a little low when on the treadmill but it’s working out nicely so far. This way I only have to move the mouse back and forth and I’ll hopefully be motivated to walk at least an hour a day this way.

I just wish I could lose more than a few pounds, but at least I will lose a few and I’ll be healthier and feel better. I put the skier in the bedroom where the small desk was so I can ski when listening to my book as I begin to unwind.

The only negatives to being in here besides the fact that it’s noisier with all the big windows are that it’s warmer in this area in the summer and colder in the winter. At least I can be around the animals more.

While today has been unusually quiet as far as traffic and landscaping goes, you do hear the little sounds easier in the living room unless something’s running like the little fan on the corner of my desk or some kind of white noise/nature sounds. Right now I hear some dog yapping down the street that I’m pretty sure lives on the other side of Bob and Virginia. Or maybe it’s Santa’s dog. Heard it when I visited Bob and Virginia on the 4th and then walking to Dixie’s.

Got a very lovely and realistic German Shepherd figurine that is quite heavy from Goodwill. It’s obviously meant to be outdoors but I’m keeping it indoors because it’s so beautiful. Had to touch up some chips with paint, but I just love it. :)

Almost didn’t go treasure hunting there today thinking it’d be too soon for them to have new stuff. When I didn’t find anything interesting where the figurines and dolls are kept, I moved on and cut through an area of the store I don’t usually browse in. It was then that I spotted the dog. Someone probably got it from where the figurines are and changed their mind as they went through the store, then placed it there.

Also got a tiny figurine of a rottweiler puppy with a leash in its mouth.

Just had an interesting and exciting chat with Tom but I’ll explain later, plus a surprising update from Tammy.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 2019 Dumping Davina is now finished at 13399 words! But I’m having trouble submitting it for validation. Maybe it will be fixed after the weekend.

Yesterday I was pulling the trash bin in after the trash was picked up, and a woman in a white SUV waved to me. My first thought was that it was Geri since she has a white SUV, but she doesn’t usually flash such a bright smile as this woman did. It was then that I realized it was Dixie.

Tried to talk myself out of bothering, knowing the potential trouble friends can bring, but was curious so I took a walk down to her place and asked if she knew when they would be painting the speed bumps.

She said she didn’t know and when I realized she had been eating, I asked if I caught her at a bad time. She said no, and that she and her stepdaughter were eating salads she picked up at Wendy’s.

I asked if she liked it here and she said she didn’t like having to pay a grand for the lot and having to hire a gardener. They have way more plants than we do, but when cared for, it looks nice and makes the place much more private. Their patio and furniture were nice and clean, too. Tomorrow we’ll be power-hosing our patio and furniture. Despite the regular noise from traffic and landscaping, it’s good to get out in the fresh air and sun if only for a few minutes a day and actually use the bench swing we paid hundreds for.

So she invited me in and never shut up, LOL. She was rather erratic too, in that she changed subjects rapidly and was a bit contradictory. She wasn’t happy here due to it being expensive and the freeway so close, but later she said she was very happy there. She doesn’t seem bothered by the traffic but doesn’t like how she can “smell” the freeway (gas).

Her daughter was scarily ugly. Her face reminded me of a pug dog with her wide-set bulging eyes. She lives there and she’s the one that gets picked up by that loud Pride bus. I guess they deal with mentally challenged people and I get the impression she may be autistic. Those are almost as hard to deal with as bipolars. You cross them or they think you’ve crossed them and they’ll go ballistic on you. Wonder if Kim’s listed as autistic? Despite living in a country that isn’t very big on privacy, I can’t think of any way to look that up and find out exactly what her disabilities are said to be.

I’m guessing Dixie is in her 70s, Pug, her 50s.

Once inside the house, I found that it was the exact same house we have. Just different carpet and colors, of course. They didn’t seem to have much. Their bookcase was mostly empty. They had a small dining table but there was stuff on it, like beads and things for crafting projects. What was weird was that instead of sitting on stools at the counter, they had a little two-seater just inside the kitchen, running along one of the counters. Why block cabinets when you can sit at the counter, I wondered, but it’s their place. So, whatever works for them.

She pulled out a very uncomfortable chair from the dining table for me to sit on while they sat in their kitchen finishing their salads. She pointed out things she liked and didn’t like about the place. She doesn’t like the dark granite countertops but she likes the Berber carpet. Me too. I would still prefer laminate flooring but if I had to have carpet, that’s what I would go with. Pretty sure that’s what Bob and Virginia have as well.

She said that a guy was going into his house somewhere in this park and left the door open behind him. First she said something about him bringing his bike inside and then it was a dog. Either way, some guy followed him in and tried to rob him or something. When she told me this, I remember the time we were coming in from wherever and saw a cluster of cop cars. I wonder if that had anything to do with it. The gates are open in the daytime but since the park is a bit out of the way, I’m guessing it was a gardener or something like that. Random druggies and homeless people simply don’t wander into this park.

First she spoke kindly of the lady next to her and “Santa.” Then she said something about not saying anything to anyone because of her words being misinterpreted, whatever that meant, and also that she was told the people here were friendly but doesn’t think so.

Well, I can think of a certain household that truly doesn’t want to get along with its neighbors. I think at first they started off not caring, then when they learned that some people around here don’t appreciate their shit, they went out of their way to be more annoying. People are just twisted like that. It’s like how Miss Perfect was. First she seemed to care about my feelings and not offending me. Then she didn’t care if she did or not. Then she actually went out of her way to piss me off.

But yeah, the mama’s boy has been coming around more and more, like two or three times a day. It really does make me wonder if he’s homeless by choice and if it’s about spite. It’s like his parents are total enablers, feeding him, paying for the heap of shit he drives, and his cigarettes just so he doesn’t have to get a job and take responsibility for his own life. I can’t think of any other legitimate reason he would be around so often other than due to being a moocher and just for pure spite. From what I’ve heard of Melody, she definitely sounds like the type that would have her son annoy the neighborhood after being complained about. She and her husband aren’t disabled, so he’s no caretaker. My first thought was maybe he was working on their place for them but since 2017? They don’t have any business they run online or anything that I’m aware of, and even if they did, why would that require him to spend so much time there if he was helping them out?

We went to Whole Foods this morning to check out their buffet. Damn parents who let their kids scream and shout non-stop! Everywhere we go, unless it’s really early or really late, some brat is out of control. I don’t understand how the parents themselves can stand it. When I was a kid, kids simply didn’t act like this. They were taught discipline, manners and respect. I wish more teachers would pick up where today’s parents are leaving off. It isn’t just those around them they annoy with their ear-piercing antics, but if raised to believe it’s okay to be so uncivilized as kids, they’re going to become selfish, inconsiderate adults. Well, that’s not what I want running the world in 20 years.

Would love to go to this really cool water park we drove by but it’s because of these brats that I can’t enjoy things like this because they’re always there to ruin things. We both hate crowds anyway, but still. People should be able to go out in public without someone screaming in their ear so loud they can’t hear their husband talking to them, just like they should be able to go out and not have to inhale secondhand smoke. You may not give a shit about your lungs, but I care about mine.

So the buffet itself wasn’t really that great. The pizza wasn’t the best I’d ever had and the rest of the stuff I gathered was just okay. The mac and cheese were outstanding but the eggs tasted funny, bacon is just bacon, potatoes are just potatoes, then there was something I tried that I didn’t like all because it turned out to be spicy. Definitely not worth going back again.

The cool thing was that they have a handful of charging stations outside their place so we could get a free charge while we were in the store. I was surprised by how many other electric cars were there charging as well.

The traffic was no fun either and every time I’m out in it, I long to be in a much less populated area. Since we can’t live in Maui, I really like the idea of Stuart because it’s a lot smaller and almost everybody is older there. As I said, I don’t understand how people can tolerate these wild brats these days, but if you can, you’re damn amazing! I know not all of them act like animals but the numbers are way up there for sure.

After waiting at a long light, Tom pointed out that I’m getting more impatient lately and he’s right. I am. I don’t know why, but I just am. I think most of us get less tolerant and impatient with age. But that’s not what bothers me. I’m content to be who I am. It’s him being more bothered by my complaining than what I’m bothered about that bothers me. He admitted he’s “weak.” I guess in that sense he kind of is, but it also isn’t just him not being able to handle me complaining, I really get tired of him making excuses for or defending the people and things that bother me. Who the hell does that?

I’m worried about my buddy because I’ve had a feeling about her needing a hysterectomy. But then she started improving and I thought maybe my vibe was meaningless. However, she started having problems again, so I don’t know. Unfortunately, I’m not usually wrong on these kinds of things.

I’m also worried about Tammy because she’ll be 62 soon and I’ve had a bad feeling about her hitting that age for several years now. I just don’t know what it’s about.

Not sure I’m going to keep my Twitter account or CC because it’s been kind of dead. Even our camp cabin is awfully quiet.

After we came back, we went out to Rite Aid a little later for treats and my mini-wines I can’t seem to give up. Especially merlot! I first thought it would be cool to get a bottle of Merlot and not touch it for 15 years or so to see what it tastes like after it’s aged, but then when I read up on how to age wine, I found that it’s best for it to remain at a steady temperature of around 55 degrees. That’s not something I can do, so I’m not going to bother. I’m also not going to spend hundreds just to find out what aged wine is like.

Was watching a really cool documentary about the sun and learned some amazing facts like how the light we see when we look at the sun takes a hundred thousand years to get from the core to the surface yet only eight minutes to hit the Earth and four hours to make it to Neptune.

On our way into the store, I found a penny lying heads up in the parking lot. I know from first-hand experience that if you pick up a penny that’s tails side up, it’s bad luck. Well, picking it up on the head side isn’t exactly good luck as I’d hoped because we won’t be installing the bidet today. The tee connector doesn’t fit. Ordered one specially made for Veken bidets that will arrive tomorrow.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 2019 “I’m not what you think I am. You’re what you think I think I am.”

Saw this meme on Facebook in the first person that came to mind was Andy. In his mind, I was definitely everything he was and that he wanted me to be, which was part of why our friendship couldn’t work.

He parked up the hill when he got in at around 4 yesterday and then decided around 7 that if they hadn’t moved the barricades he was coming in anyway because Candy needs to be charged at night. Turns out people were getting impatient since it was after 6, so they moved the barricades themselves.

Not sure it was really worth spending the time and money, not to mention putting people out, to coat the roads here. When I was out walking, you could still tell where all the cuts were that they made during other annoying projects, and none of the cracks were filled in. All they did was make everything the same color. It’s kind of an ugly one, if you ask me because it’s so dark. It still looks better than it did before.

They worked on and off for about 7 hours. The huge blowers that looked like they were pushing these generators around, were moderately loud, but the seal coater wasn’t that loud. Jackhammers and woodchippers are way louder. When they had all their equipment turned off, it was dead quiet since no one could drive by. You’d think it was 4am or something.

From a distance, it looked like a giant mop mopping the road and I learned how the process was done just by watching. Didn’t smell inside the house but it was a little smelly outside. I took pictures to share with Tom and on Facebook.

The thing is that I know they’ll find something else to do in the roads before we know it. There’s always some shit going on here. They haven’t painted the speed bumps yet so that’s one more thing I’ll have to deal with and hope it doesn’t wake me up, depending on when they get to that. I’d like to say I hope this will be it for a while but I’m sure it won’t be. If it isn’t the park doing something loud and obnoxious, it will be one of the residents.

On my way back, Bob was sweeping behind his garage. I said hello and asked what he was up to. In a grumpy tone, he said, “Picking up this mess!”

I told him they made a mess of our carport as well and Tom had to blow it off.

Yesterday really got me missing country living and while there would certainly be positive things to that, I still don’t know if it’s wise for an aging couple to just go off the grid.

I also have mixed emotions about Florida’s climate vs. Nevada’s. I really want to live in a more tropical climate that’s warmer year-round but I’d worry about storms waking me up regularly and evacuations and shit like that for hurricanes, and we don’t know how living there may affect our health. There’s just no way to magically know this without living there for a while.

While I wouldn’t have to worry about this in the desert, it gets colder there than a lot of people think. I don’t want to go anywhere where it’s cold, even if it was only for a couple of months.

The mama’s boy has already been making up for lost time, as I knew it would. Came in earlier, though not at 6:30. It made one of today’s three trips beginning at 7:45.

I messaged Carolyn and told her that if they’re on vacation, they picked the right time for that, and mentioned how noisy it’s been and the pictures I posted. They’re in Alturas because their daughter and SIL opened a grocery outlet. They’ll be back this evening.

THURSDAY, JULY 18, 2019 Went to the top of the hill around 6am. I could see the trucks there as well as the area beyond the hill that they paved yesterday. Makes sense that they’d leave their trucks and equipment here overnight. Looks like there are just dots across the speed bumps, so they haven’t been painted yet. Today’s our section but who knows when someone will return to paint? They won’t be working tomorrow since tomorrow is trash day.

And the road rage is on! Barely after 7, they started blowing the streets with this giant push-blower.

I’m on the treadmill right now since I won’t be going out anymore today.

Regardless of age and genetics, when you’re low on thyroid you’re rarely able to lose weight. So I decided quite a while ago that I would just let my weight be. However, I definitely have to go back to cooking from scratch or close enough to it since processed foods aren’t good for me. I still shouldn’t be overdoing things like cholesterol and sodium. Yeah, I’m going to die someday anyway, but I would prefer that to be closer to 30 years from now and not a decade.

Was going to try to finish my NaNo project today but with all the distractions going on I don’t think I’ll be nearly as productive as I was in my dreams last night. Yeah, I strangled a serial killer. Me and a group of people were determined to catch this serial rapist/murderer in the area. We busted into some woman’s house as he was about to kill her and we all attacked the guy with me being the one to put his last lights out. Kudos to me! :-)

Yesterday I said to myself, watch, the mama’s boy is going to come in more than once today because it knows it’s going to miss mommy and daddy time tomorrow which is today. Again, with a son that clingy, I don’t know why they bother to move here. Maybe they thought they could wean him off and into taking responsibility for getting a life? Yet with three visits in one day, I’d say their efforts failed.

The Chatroulette site is definitely full of all kinds of weird characters. Some beat off, as I was warned they would, and then there are some kids whom I absolutely will not talk to. I don’t want to risk getting caught up in any perverts out there that may be abusing the site or have them twist anything I say. A couple of kids did me a favor by quickly moving on with a, “Goodbye, grandma,” LOL. Oh, the beauties of aging!

Most of the users are guys from what I can see so far, but I like how there are so many users that you’re unlikely to get the same person more than once. It isn’t something I plan to use often but I kind of get a kick out of it when I do. I just ramble on about whatever when I get someone who doesn’t want to have an actual conversation.

One guy decided it looked like I had big boobs and wanted to see them, but since I couldn’t get anything for it, he didn’t get his so-called “prize,” as he put it. You want to pay me, I’ll happily flash them. I have no problem with those who make money from their assets as long as no one’s being hurt. If I did, I wouldn’t have been an exotic dancer way back in my young, skinny days. Tom and I actually talked about me camming or at least doing paid texts, since I would think most people would still want visuals of the young and thin, but agreed it wouldn’t be worth the money to waste time investing in. But yeah, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear if you’ll pay me for it. I mean why not? :-) The only thing you’re going to get for free that isn’t part of my face, though, depending on what type of top I have on, are my well-muscled shoulders and upper arms.

OMG, they made a fucking mess of our carport! This is it. This is the day that cinched my decision to return to the country, so the Nevada desert it is instead of Florida. I’ve had it with adult communities and their obsession with appearance. Landscaping every single fucking day. Regular projects. I’ve had enough! I’m tired of how when someone gets a new roof, I’m the one that’s got to deal with it. When someone goes to tent their place, I’m the one that’s got to listen to it.

I think I might actually sleep worse in Florida with all the storms there. It just seems that that may more than make up for the traffic here. Either way, I’ve had it with traffic and projects galore. Every day I hear some kind of equipment running be it for landscaping or some kind of park or home Improvement project and I’m tired of it. I didn’t sign on for this shit! I thought these communities were supposed to be about peace. Never would have bothered to come here had I known what I was in for, though I can see where most mainstream neighborhoods must be way worse depending on climate. I’m guessing cold climates would be okay in the winter, but then again, we had loud car stereos going by many times a day even in the dead of winter up in Oregon. Noise pollution is everywhere these days that the only real place to get any peace is out in the country, even if dogs will always be a problem there, especially in the West. And if you’re really unlucky, so will sonic booms and hunters. It’s the frequency and the volume I’m considering. There are way too many loud sounds here. It’s ridiculous for any neighborhood, but even more so for an adult community. I shouldn’t have to worry that I might be woken up even at 1 in the morning if someone decides to roar in on a motorcycle.

The Twenties haven’t been around since I first went out at 6, then I saw Geri take her car up the hill and then walk back. Bob and Virginia’s SUV is still in their garage.

They haven’t finished blowing because there’s still plenty of shit in front of the house. They went down alongside the house and to the other side of the circle and then stopped. All has been quiet for the last half hour or so, so I don’t know when they’re going to start up again. I asked one of the guys when cars could drive through and he said not until 6. So Tom’s going to have to park elsewhere until then. It would be nice if they would have the common courtesy to blow off our driveway at some point, but I’m sure they won’t. So once again, it’s just people doing things that aren’t necessary other than for looks that are at our expense in some way.

The blowers are deafening so I’m staying in the living room to help keep the animals calm. I don’t know if it makes them nervous in any way, but just in case, I’m here.

Saw someone driving some other equipment at the corner, and now they’re blowing the front of the house on down.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 2019 Ome.tv is an interesting way to waste time if you get bored or have trouble sleeping. Talked to a 50-year-old guy in New York in both English and Spanish. I’m guessing he was Puerto Rican.

Then I was going to chat with a younger guy in France who didn’t seem to know much English. Although I can read a bit of French, I never could get into the language so I can’t speak it. Just don’t find it pretty as most people do. Never would have learned German if it wasn’t for Nane.

The green doll eyes arrived and they’re much nicer than my own green eyes with flecks of gold in them that mine don’t have. Mine are just plain old medium to dark green that reminds me of moss or algae. They look surprisingly good on Gia but I don’t know that they would look good on Suki. Dark brown is still my favorite. The only thing I don’t like about the Gia head is how one eye is more open than the other.

It was the eyeshadow/liner stick that was a waste of money because it’s barely visible. Would have preferred blue or purple but they didn’t have that and I was curious to try it since it was cheap.

The precancerous spot on my chest is shrinking which I read they can do, so it might not need to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen. We’ll see how it is when I see Amy next month.

Haven’t gotten a robocall in over a week so maybe the blocks are finally working? Naw, I’d say more than likely the different scammers went down their list of numbers and found they weren’t going to get a response from this one.

I think part of the reason I’ve been tired lately isn’t just poor sleep but because I’ve been having too many processed foods again, so once I finish what I have, it’s back to cooking fresh stuff.

No anxiety today which is good and the experiment is still proving to be mostly successful since I’ve counted only nine days where I was either anxious or close to it since beginning it. In the past, my anxiety would last for weeks and sometimes even months. Brand was definitely a factor but dosage? I guess I’ll find that out when I one day return to 75s.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams. I don’t know where Tom was but Dr. O was living here. We were going to be going somewhere but first, she wanted to take a nap. I was doing things in another part of the house, which surprisingly looked exactly like this house looks when I realized after a while that she may have overslept. She was sleeping in the second bedroom, so I peeked in from the laundry room and saw she was just beginning to stir.

Then it seemed like we might have been in Springfield when she was taking me to her place. I expected it to be a house but instead, it was an old hotel that was converted into apartments.

Her dark curly hair was an inch or two below her shoulders instead of above and I told her I liked her hair longer. That was exactly what I thought the last couple of times I saw her. She was not only a brilliant doctor but despite having a stern personality, you couldn’t help but like her anyway. And even though most people would consider her average-looking, there was something about her I don’t know if I could exactly call attractive, but she did look pretty good for her 60s.

Then I had a dream Tom and I found out I was pregnant as we were walking somewhere. Tom told me the doctor wanted me to take this, too. Not sure what “this” was but when I asked why he said because I was older.

Then I was in a pool by myself totally unable to believe I was pregnant. I wasn’t showing yet but when I thought of all I would lose once the baby arrived (I don’t know why I didn’t just get rid of it since it wasn’t what I wanted), I was a little disappointed and worried. I knew I would have to give up a lot and that things wouldn’t be the same.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 2019 Was glad to finally sleep better after nearly a week and to have enough energy to jog down to the lake and back. As I was coming back up from the lake and turned onto Oak, I saw tons of cars parked on the outer edge of it and at first I was like, WTF? Then I looked down toward the first curve in the road and saw them prepping for today’s “road rage.” Yesterday they repaved the front part of the park, and the road we usually turn on when we come in the front gate was closed off, so he had to go the other way. It was open when he left early this morning.

I wonder if he’ll be able to get in on Thursday when our section is on for repaving? He may have to park down at the clubhouse or somewhere.

This fucking park, man. There’s always something going on here. Always.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any traces of anxiety yesterday but for a couple of hours earlier, I had mild traces of it. Going to see how I do until the end of the month and then decide whether or not I think it’s worth going back to 75s in time to push my TSH down under 10 for labs and all that. I’m not ready to call it a bust yet, but if it does get worse, then that puts me back to square one as far as trying to figure out what it could be. I still think some brands made it worse but I’m not sure about the dose at this point. I’m still hoping most of it is on me approaching menopause and that will be in just under three months if I can make it without another period. I’ve been hot flashing, so if I can still do that, I guess I could still get anxious and have those bouts of racing HRs.

Tom had a good point in saying that it seems to be less often and less intense lately. I suppose it’s unreasonable to think it would ever stop just like that, like flicking a light switch. Still, I really hope it’s connected to that and not the medication itself or me simply acquiring a medical disorder that makes me anxious on and off. If it was the medication itself, though, then I would think it would make me anxious every single time I took it, no matter what the dose or brand. Me just up and becoming this way for the rest of my life? I still can’t buy that one but I sure as hell hope not!

Yesterday was the first day I needed a Tucks in a while.

Hate the new Twitter. All they did was rearrange things and not give us features we could actually use. Hate the way my cover pic no longer stretches across the screen and how I can’t just hover over the name of someone and see their tweet count. There are some people I don’t actually follow but look in on every now and then. Some don’t always tweet and I used to be able to hover over their name and see if their tweet count had risen since the last time I checked. At this rate, I’d say they’re never going to let us edit tweets or make some private. A calendar would be nice to quickly jump to older tweets, too.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 2019 “I am a liberal Democrat and even I don’t see what is wrong with going after illegal immigrants who have ALREADY HAD THEIR DAY IN COURT and have been ordered deported and they are still here (that’s who they say they are going after, though if you are here illegally and happen to be right there when they find someone who should have been deported, they will be taken into custody too). I live in a sanctuary city and I don’t understand why we are protecting people who are here illegally. If I went to another country illegally, I wouldn’t expect them to protect me. And they wouldn’t.”

She’s wrong! We MUST protect our illegals and put them first and foremost! We must give these criminals things that we have to pay for, like healthcare. Hey, it’s only fair. So what if they drive crime rates and overcrowding up. So what if our tax dollars must go to support them. So what if this means longer waiting times at the doctors and a tremendous strain on our system. It’s that pregnant rape victim we need to control. It’s those awful gays we need to restrict. Really folks, let’s be a real country and keep supporting our illegals!

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I also feel like shit today for the usual reasons…I slept shitty and so I’m exhausted. Will write about yesterday’s trip to what turned out to be quite a park later or tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have the energy to clean or do NaNo today. Just gotta change the pigs I regret getting.

Later…

Here I am sentenced to bed rest for the millionth time after sleeping shitty, also for the millionth time. Woke up hot flashing several times and once due to traffic. I’m at the point where I realize it’s pointless to sleep with the bud because if I’m going to wake up a million times anyway just because of the stress of sleeping in the daytime in this place, what’s a few more times from traffic? I’m still going to be just as exhausted.

I was able to fall back asleep after being up for a while, but I feel almost as tired as I would have if I had not fallen back asleep. I don’t know why the additional sleep doesn’t refresh me but it doesn’t. I only know that my sleep is so fucking cursed that I don’t doubt that this is the way it’s going to be no matter where we live.

As much as I want to get out of here, it still seems like we’re trapped with no way out until he retires. I swear this only happens to us. He says it’s all because of owning a place but that’s bullshit. Tammy owns yet they’re getting out of there. We’re the only ones this has ever happened to. I just hope it isn’t too late when he retires because who knows what my health is going to be like then? Sleeping shitty two-thirds of the time can’t possibly be good for me. Again, I know I’m not going to sleep any better elsewhere since that’s just one department I’ve been seriously cursed in all my life in various ways, but whenever we move, I don’t know that I want to own anything again. When the nice couple next door dies or moves, I don’t want to be stuck for years when the motorcycle moves in. I want to be able to move easier if owning is what’s really holding us back, and I can’t deny that that is indeed a big part of it. We’ll probably only be able to get 30 or 40 grand for this place and if we lived off of that while we moved and he scrambled to get a job, by the time someone would give us a place, the money we would need for a down payment would be gone.

But again, I don’t know that I want to own because not only can you get out faster if you rent, but what if the climate does affect either one of us in a bad way? I don’t want to have to wait 5 to 10 years to get out. And since we’re going to have a lot less money when he retires, then we don’t lose hundreds or even thousands of dollars when things break like water tanks, air conditioners, and stuff like that if we rent. Lastly, we’re going to eventually get too old to keep up on things ourselves. So would owning really be a wise idea? I’m not so sure about that anymore. As long as we don’t live with our landlord, then we shouldn’t be pestered by them. The only time management can get kind of pesky is if it’s an apartment complex. But if we don’t live on-site, we should be okay. When we rented the duplex and then the house in Oregon, the management company never came to the house. They only sent the owner out to the second house when we called the office when the refrigerator crapped out.

Anyway, I want to work on my NaNo project, go for a walk, and do some cleaning, but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired of constant sleep issues holding me back! I’d rather be awake and bored shitless than too tired to do anything.

I’m lying in bed voice typing this entry on my phone but don’t know when I’ll get around to editing it on my laptop.

Yesterday we went to the park by our place real early but there was a guy with four huge dogs there, and while they probably wouldn’t have bothered us, I didn’t want to take a chance. So we went to Rusch Park, and wow. Playgrounds are nothing like what they were in the 60s and 70s! It was quite a park, all right. It had everything…swings, jungle gyms, a mini zip line, monkey bars, a skate park, a tennis court, a soccer (or was it a baseball?) field, and a pool.

I sat on one of the swings for a minute and it was a rather “powerful” swing. I guess the way it hung from a hinge instead of a typical hook was why it swung so easily.

I climbed on some of the jungle gyms and if it was scarily high to me, I’m surprised most kids wouldn’t find it a bit spooky, but Tom insisted it wasn’t that high and that kids would find it fun.

Took advantage of Cyber Monday and the Amazon credit we’ve accumulated and got an attachable bidet for the master toilet, but this one won’t have hot water because the pipes don’t run back there. The other toilet is by the sink so it would be possible to run out there but not the master toilet. Should still be okay, even in the winter. I just know I love them so much I don’t want this ass to ever be without one again, portable or not, cold or not.

I’m like a whole new woman down there! It’s almost like you’d never know I had such burning and itching for so long, so yeah, I was definitely over-treating myself. The bidet has helped tremendously as well because it keeps me fresh and clean and not even my groin area is irritated anymore and I don’t have “leaking” either. Maybe the leaking was just me not being able to get clean enough with just toilet paper. Not sure if my weight has anything to do with that or not, but I love how the bidet has made me feel so much better along with wearing all-cotton underwear. Real underwear and no g-strings, even though I still have a few g-strings I’ll wear from time to time because I’ll miss them. In some ways, those are more comfortable but then they’re also not.

Also ordered a pair of green eyes for the doll but it’s a nicer shade of green than my own eyes, and a combination eyeshadow/eyeliner stick to try.

A little later…

I’m a solar keyboard. Just like a solar keyboard needs light for energy, I stood in the kitchen window and let the early morning sun shine upon my face and it seemed to charge me up enough to clean one of the bathrooms.

I’ve been hot flashing more lately, which I seem to do more of when I’m tired. Would really love to stay up until five or six, but I don’t know that I can hold out that long.

SUNDAY, JULY 14, 2019 I am both horrified and mystified by the country’s protest of ICE going after the illegals running rampant in this country, free to drive the crime rate up, cash in on freebies and hog our already burdened resources. Really, what the hell is wrong with people? Just what the hell is it I’m missing here because it seems to me we should be thrilled that ICE is about to clean up some of the country’s problems. Guess it’s a good thing rallies and marches never changed things and that those in power are going to do what they’re going to do anyway, whether we like it or not, cuz guess what? I don’t want our tax dollars paying for some criminal’s healthcare while we struggle to pay our own.

But God help the woman who should decide to terminate her own pregnancy, right? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I mean Tom pointed out that the abortion shit is about religion and that that’s always been about control, but I don’t understand why the hell everyone wants thousands of illegals to storm this country at our expense. That one has thus far flown completely over my head.

Because there’s fighting going on and their own countries? Well, why should that be our problem? If they can’t learn to grow up, get along, and stop fighting like it’s a sibling rivalry contest, why should we be expected to pick up the pieces?

Anyway, other than failing to understand my fellow humans, not much is going on at the moment. The weather has been nice and we’ve been in and out. Went to Sam’s yesterday and am going to a park early this morning and then to Walmart.

Ralph’s car hasn’t been hauled away, actually, but is sitting parked on the street on the trailer attached to the Oregon truck. I’m guessing it’s his son.

Hated that fucking car. It wasn’t nearly as loud as the mama’s boy’s and motorcycles, but it was loud enough. I was glad when he was no longer able to drive it. I just dread what may be moving in there eventually with loud vehicles being so common despite today’s technology. I don’t even know if I could do away with the earbuds even if the street was a hundred feet from the bedroom window.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 2019 A mix of good and bad with my health, but first, the Oregon trailer hauled the car away yesterday. The trailer is still there, though, so I don’t know what else needs to be done or how long they’ll be there.

For 4-5 hours last night, I felt a little on edge and was worried I’d be hit with a new round of anxiety, but wasn’t exactly anxious. Barely 6 hours into my sleep I woke up and had trouble falling back asleep. I was still tired, too. Amazingly, I was eventually able to nap for a couple of hours but it didn’t do me any good. I’m still tired and I’ve felt warm all night. Really thought I was over this shit with the sleep issues but apparently not.

Didn’t feel anxious tonight but my heart raced 4-5 hours.

We went out walking last night after midnight for about 15 minutes and never saw a single skunk so that much was good. Wanted to go bike riding today but not sure I have the energy. Don’t even know if I have the energy to go with him to Sam’s later on but I’m going to try.

Now my heart has settled down and I don’t quite feel as tired but I have this weird headache that Ibuprofen hasn’t managed to help with yet. It’s this throbbing pain in the space of a quarter by my right temple.

I don’t get for the life of me how one who’s anti-abortion can say that if God puts a life in one’s womb, it’s not up to us to extinguish it. So if their imaginary friend puts a tumor in someone’s body, should it not be up to them to extinguish it with chemo?

Well, you can relax with this reality check, people! Sex puts kids in wombs, not “God,” and shitty luck puts tumors in us as well.

Anyway, I had some vivid dreams while I was napping earlier. In one dream, Tom asked if I wanted something from McDonald’s while at this mall of some kind. I said sure because I was starving.

Then we took seats in these boots that had shelves that contained customers’ belongings. I stared in awe at all these shiny trinkets and Barbies on one of the shelves.

“Don’t stare too long,” Tom told me as I continued to check out all the colorful items.

I said something about Barbie’s measurements changing over the years and that they no longer use her old molds, and then there was this tiny creature (a mouse?) living on the shelves that poked its head out from behind something for a moment. We were surprised it didn’t try to escape and that it stayed obediently on the shelves.

I opened my laptop while we ate and blogged in Spanish.

Then I later went into a panic because someone stole this beautiful floral purse I had with a gold chain making up a part of its strap. Everybody hung their purses on these hooks, much like a coat rack, and when I went to retrieve mine, it was gone. This had happened before at a “community” purse rack but I thought that was a fluke and would never happen again.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 2019 Started to feel slightly on edge last night, but hopefully, it was only because I haven’t been trimming the pills as much and not because my experiment is about to prove to be a bust. Especially since they canceled my shrink appointment saying she wouldn’t be available that day and to call to reschedule.

No thanks. Not with the experiment still going well and with it taking ridiculously long to get into a shrink. Also, I wasn’t anything I could literally call anxious and I realize I’m not going to feel 100% perfect all the time, especially when I don’t sleep well.

When I got up, I trimmed my pill more toward the middle 3. The number 333 is on one side of the oblong pill. Lately, I’ve been trimming down to the outer 3, bringing it closer to 60mcg rather than 50. Today I trimmed it down to the middle 3. I don’t know that there was a connection, though. I am, however, getting really close to the critical point and if things are going to fall apart, that could be anytime now. Definitely both nervous and excited with August approaching! If I can get there and continue to remain stable, that’s when the real excitement begins!

I didn’t sleep that much better, but I slept longer which helped make up for any disturbances, so I feel better today as well as more rested. A thunk of some kind woke me up early in my sleep and then it was just because.

The flipper, relative, or whoever it is, is still working on Ralph’s place. When I got up shortly after 7, I heard scattered bumps and bangs. Maybe they’re the ones that woke me up if it wasn’t someone hitting the speed bump. The thing is they’re staying there overnight. They were just packing it in at around 7:30 and I could see that instead of the pieces of wood that were on the trailer, there were now a couple of trash bins and one in the carport. I hope to hell they don’t replace windows and I hope to hell even more they don’t do the roof! I hear enough shit around here!

Tom was laughing at my insistence that men who hate women are usually closet-case gays who can’t deal with their sexuality. He just doesn’t see the connection. Well, if you don’t like the opposite sex, that leaves only one other gender…your own.

Then again, who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them as people. Being gay or lesbian is about being attracted to the same sex, not about how they treat us, otherwise most women would be lesbian for sure with all the shit men give them. I still think at least some of them are closet cases.

We also shared our different views on the fact that California is now giving free healthcare to illegals. When I read that, it really pissed the shit out of me and it still does. I’m tired of illegals and foreigners coming first. No wonder this country is so in debt. Giving freebies to criminals while honest, hardworking people who are from here have to pay thousands for their own healthcare needs definitely doesn’t sit well with me.

Tom says they’re doing it to save money in the end by giving them preventive care so they don’t have to go to the ER and cost a lot more money since no one is ever turned away from the ER no matter who you are or where you’re from.

I see his point but I still don’t agree with it. All that so-called preventive care eventually adds up and it’s our tax dollars that have to pay for it. I say deport, deport, deport! Treat them in the ER if you must and tell them to follow up in their own damn country or come back legally. Instead, for reasons I don’t understand, most of this country seems hell-bent on welcoming and protecting illegals.

I hate how people can pay to find my email addresses and what accounts I’ve signed up for, no matter how innocent those accounts may be. That is simply no one’s business at all. Why would you care anyway? Why would you want to find out what accounts a friend or someone has?

Speaking of friends, I accept that this is just the way Kim is, but it’s part of why I prefer to avoid the mentally ill, overly emotional/sensitive, and not quite stable in the future. I know that the so-called “normal” people can be a problem as well. After all, Nane turned out to be the judgemental bitch from hell, but those with loose screws are harder to deal with overall and more likely to turn on you if they think you’ve given them a reason to. I know some people are drawn to people like this but damn do they really make my head spin at times, LOL.

After Kim announced on Twitter that Rip Torn had passed and expressed in her journal that she found him funny and a talented actor, she asked me about him in a text message. I told her I wasn’t a fan of his and haven’t been into celebrities since the '90s.

The copycat turns around and says she was never into his stuff and hasn’t followed celebrities since the 90s and early 2000s.

Really? Then why announce his death, praise him in your journal, and have a million fan accounts for a million different celebrities?

I can kind of understand the psychology behind those who strive to be the opposite of others, but I don’t get the copycatting. Does she think she’ll lose friends if she doesn’t agree with everything they say? With the opposite-doers, it’s all about rebelling. They get tired of feeling forced to conform to the norm so being different is their way of making a statement. One that says, see? I can be as different as I want!

I can see where someone that’s interested in someone may be tempted to pretend they like what they like and don’t like what they don’t like, but I’m not seeing why Kim feels she has to be that way. She does the same thing with Aly, but no matter how many times you try to explain that it’s okay to have some differences, it seems extremely important for her to be right in tune with you.

Twitter says they’re about to roll out some changes like account switching and night mode. First off, we already have night mode options, and I see nothing about things we could really use like editing tweets and choosing to make some private. They’re too all or nothing. I could use the account switcher, though, because Twitter is one of the few sites where I have more than one account. I have the one I share with Aly and Kim, one where I log when I get up, and the other is just for me for everything and anything. It’s sort of like a micro-journal. I was going to make it public and just not mention it to anyone since I didn’t see the point, but Aly would only find it, so I’ve protected my tweets. Besides, some tweets really are private anyway.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 2019 Yesterday was the worst day of my life 5 years ago. Today we’ve been here 6 years. 5 more to go!

The lazy kid that lives here that Joy refuses to do anything about has come and gone three times in just two hours if even that.

Tired again today because again I slept shitty. Just kept waking up every hour or so. I don’t know if I can, because I’m tired, but I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can to push myself back onto days faster. The faster I get on days, the better I sleep.

Can’t figure out what’s going on at Ralph’s place. For a day or so there’s been a truck parked there with Oregon plates and a little trailer full of wood. I guess they’re replacing parts of the walls or floors since most of these places are getting old but it doesn’t say that it’s sold either. Maybe it’s a relative. If it was a flipper that bought the place, why would they stay there overnight and why wouldn’t the place say it was sold?

I just hope whoever buys it doesn’t have a loud vehicle! That fucking slacker punk is so loud I could feel the vibration beneath my feet in the bathroom when the damn cock went by. My God, when will its enabling parents push it out and make it get a life? They can’t be around for it forever.

Tom stopped at Whole Foods on his way home and got $10 to spend on Amazon Prime for doing so since they bought it, but the store is horribly expensive. He did say that there was this really cool-looking buffet in the middle of it so we’re both going to check that out sometime. I love buffets and it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 2019 Changed the name of my current book to Dumping Davina and lowered my word count goal to 15K because it’s probably going to be a short story. Like one I’ll sell for $0.99.

Because I’m tired today I’m probably going to take the day off. Since lowering my word count goal, it takes some of the pressure off, even though I should still hit 20K before the end of the month. I just didn’t sleep well. Nothing woke me up. I just kept waking up a lot as I normally do when sleeping during the day.

The Wrong Sister has also been published. Maybe I’ll design some more covers tonight.

Why must being tired make me hungry? I don’t understand the connection. Tom is going to stop at Whole Foods on the way home tomorrow because he wants to try it out. I like to change up my smoothie and meal ingredients each week. All my fruit went to hell at the same time so I can’t wait until the weekend anyway. First-time shoppers get $10 to spend on Amazon.

Things have been feeling so much better down there since using the bidet regularly and not treating it as much. I don’t even use the Tacrolimus anymore. Just a dab of hydrocortisone every few days. Don’t know how long it will last but I’ll be enjoying it while it does!

While I would love to have a woman president for once and for all, I’m not sure about Kamala Harris because of the way she’s always talking about getting extra privileges and first dibs on things for her own kind, just as I suspected she would. I don’t want someone that’s going to favor their own and not serve everybody equally. I’ll still take her over Trump any day. Hopefully, women will respect themselves enough not to vote for him. Anyone who mistreats women should never be forgiven, made excuses for, or made amends with. It’s not okay for them to abuse women and it never will be.

Aly went from leaving me thinking she was dying in the hospital (does she actually want people to worry about her?) to blowing up my phone.

Facebook made my Nicole account as fake. Then again, I’m not sure what happened because everything was private there. I noticed the Account Switcher disappeared and when I tried to log into that account, they said they noticed suspicious activity on my account, asked me to insert a captcha and then provide a picture of myself. So was it hacked? Or did Facebook go through my private posts and not like what they saw?

I tried to see if I could look in on that account from my real account and I can’t, so they’ve got it locked. Decided not to bother doing anything about it. When the time comes and I know my days are numbered, I’ll create another account to post the story and message anyone who may still be around, and hopefully, Tom will do it if I can’t.

My only concern is that they might have fed me to the wolves just like Google once did, if it was about the story, but I’d guess not since I never sent anyone anything. The story was posted privately with the plan being that I would turn it public in the end. But I never got any notices about them selling me out to the pigs because they were subpoenaed for info or anything like that, but so what if they did? Just like last time, I know how to ignore anyone who thinks they can become my mommy and daddy and tell me what to do simply because of something I wrote… Especially when it was written in private and not shared with anyone. But yeah, someone hacked it or Facebook got a little nosy. I wasn’t about to give them my picture when I’m not Nicole Hammond and I can always create another account later on down the road.

Had a couple of dreams that might have been glimpses into other dimensions since they were plausible and not a series of crazy, senseless scenes.

In one dream, I didn’t know Tom, and Kim was still with Mark who she recently split from. For some reason, they both left their place while they were separated. Mark eventually went back to their place. Kim and I were talking about the situation and she decided not to return. I was glad to hear this because I was hoping she and I could get a place of our own together, knowing that she would be very easy to get along with given her easy-going personality.

In the other dream, we were living in a park in a manufactured home but it didn’t look anything like this. It was a 4-bedroom home that was set a little further back from the street and we weren’t on the corner either. The closest street was in front. We didn’t have anything running in back.

There were three bedrooms in front and one in back. The front part of the house had the master bedroom on one end, then the living room, then a couple of smaller bedrooms. I was in the master bedroom by the neighbor’s driveway, Tom was in back. I thought about sleeping in one of the inner bedrooms that were two walls away from the neighbors on the other side to see if it would be quieter.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 2019 After thinking about it, I decided that today is the day I’m going to say fuck it and go public. So what if any present or future neighbors find and read my blog/journal? So what if any present or future doctors read it? So what if any prospective park management or realtor reads it? It’s not like I’m sharing some top-secret information that could be used against anyone in the wrong way. :) I just won’t share the link to it publically on other sites. Gonna shut down Hula Dancer, too.

This way I not only have a place to share links to our books and apps, but I can make it easier on myself by sharing from one place instead of multiple places. Copying and pasting to half a dozen blogs, both private and not, and then having to go around and make any edits I later choose to make, gets to be a bit much at times. So I’m going to drop Blogger once again and do my public sharing on Prosebox.

And now some good news and that’s that Kobo published the first book I ever got published on Amazon!!! They even gave me an ISBN number and everything and the publication process was way easier than on Amazon. I totally believe without a doubt that Amazon wasn’t paying me for all my sales, especially since I’m far from the only one who has complained about that. Paul said to let him know how it goes on Kobo because he makes five times as much on Smashwords as he does on Amazon. Yeah, that’s because they’re not paying him fairly.

I might also branch out to other publishers as well like Smashwords and Lulu. I was on Smashwords a long time ago but then I pulled the book I had there off because we no longer had that bank account and I had other things going on at the time, so I wasn’t really focused much on that.

Had to resubmit my cover because I screwed up the design. With Amazon you would upload your cover and then on their site you would add text. With Kobo you need to design your images beforehand. So I’m picking images from free image sites and then overlaying the titles and my name and things like that before uploading them to the site.

The Wrong Sister will definitely be next. Those that have read this book tell me it’s my best yet so I’ll share the link once it’s available in their stores.

Got woken up once when the bud slipped and something loud zoomed by. Just 5 more years of having to jam things in my ear when I sleep, though, right?

Finally got a hold of someone and made an appointment to see Amy for a follow-up on August 14th. If all continues to go well, I’ll cancel the shrink for August 29th.

Got another precancerous spot on my chest most likely thanks to the bitch making me spend my summer days on the beach as a kid till she gave me up. Probably didn’t know this would happen, though. The woman wasn’t very bright and I don’t know if they understood the effects of sun exposure back in the '60s and '70s.

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 2019 The woman I thought was Kristy that Carolyn was pictured with that I asked about and didn’t receive an answer on wasn’t Kristy after all because she was tagged in other pictures by a different name.

Just for the hell of it, even though LG doesn’t let its users block numbers for some crazy reason, I tried the two numbers I found on ZabaSearch for Johnson but they were out of service.

Went to Goodwill earlier and found a couple of cute little fairies, but then accidentally dropped one, breaking off its arm so I didn’t get anything.

On the way back we stopped at a park near where we live that’s just past the golf course. I’ve been trying to think of places to go when I want to get out that don’t cost money and that wouldn’t have any tempting food we shouldn’t be having. So I thought, why not go to the park and enjoy the fresh air and swings? One is never too old for that, are they? But I don’t want to go play on the swings and slides with a bunch of screaming brats so we decided to go real early some morning, like maybe next weekend.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that Bob was in construction because until they get too old to really have a steady hand like he’s gotten to be, they make shitty neighbors. They’re always working on some loud, annoying project and always outdoors tinkering with things. Jesse was in construction and he was that way and then there was that contractor down the street who moved a few years ago. If you want to listen to power saws and hammering and other things, then a present or former contractor is a great one to have for a neighbor.

I was thinking about a dream I had in 1995 of my maternal grandmother telling me to pick new dreams and goals when I was all upset about not being able to have the kid I thought I wanted. Ever since then, I’ve wondered about the dream and if it could have been her reaching out to me from the other side. I don’t know, but there was just something about it. I just don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way she said what she said. This was just days after she’d been dead for 9 years.

I don’t know if it meant anything or not, but if it was her, then it proves there’s no hell. If a woman could abuse her two kids into becoming abusers themselves and not make it to hell, then I’d say Tom and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. It would also show that our dead loved ones know everything that’s going on with us. Not sure I care about that one, but I definitely wouldn’t mind knowing there was no hell even though I would prefer to know there was absolutely nothing instead. I don’t want to be in any kind of afterlife. I want to just be dead when my body is clinically dead.

Last night I had a dream I was comforting a 48-year-old woman who started to suffer the effects of perimenopause. I’m so glad mine has gotten better! The hot flashes are tapering off and instead of having them throughout my entire day, they’re coming at the end of my day.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 2019 Figured out how to deal with my end-of-the-day boredom. I’m gonna fill in the time walking. I’m going to walk an hour earlier in the day just in case I don’t get so bored later on. But since I usually do during my last 2-3 hours, I’ll walk and do puzzles and watch shows at that time.

After pulling my ebooks off Amazon’s shelf when I, along with other authors, was being ripped off by “faulty” devices, I decided to submit a manuscript to Kobo. So we’ll see what happens! It’s the weekend, so I don’t know if they’ll have any readers around to go through it.

Very saddened to learn my bestie is back in the hospital again with another infection, cramps, bleeding, etc. Guess they’re trying to treat it with steroids. Never heard of infections being treated with steroids before. Really sucks that she’d just gotten out of medical debt and that she has to continue to suffer. Like Tom, she rarely swears, so when she said she fucking hates this, I knew it was pretty bad. Meanwhile, certain people go on with their perfect health and I know I should just shut up and be happy for them but it’s hard not to want to scream and shout, “No fair!” Kim and her perfect little 300-pound life whose worst problem is getting caught doing things she’s not supposed to do.

Looked in on Molly and was surprised she hadn’t tweeted in a few days. I know her birthday was on the 1st and she mentioned her mother being sick which I have absolutely no sympathy for whatsoever. She’s usually pretty consistent so my guess is that she changed accounts yet again.

Christine asked where my blog was these days and said she missed it. Decided to keep PB FO and reopen Blogger. Anything private I’ll share with Tammy on Facebook. I’ll keep it mostly generic and mundane in case any doctors or neighbors or anything like that stumbles upon it.

Maybe it was a waste of time, but I decided to say hello to Palma last night who is now a vascular ultrasound student. She really does like a variety of careers! She picked up my message but hasn’t replied.

Decided to run Johnson through ZabaSearch and was surprised to get hits in both Tempe and Phoenix with her first initial on one said to be 54 years old. I have a feeling it’s her, too. But she’s only a year older? I would have thought she was three or four years older. There are numbers listed as well. Thought about calling, but what would I say? “Hey, Johnson, remember me? Do you still flirt with female inmates? Are you even still a jail cop?”

With a last name that common, I doubt I’ll find out her first name, and even if I did, it would still be way too common. Sometimes I wish I had a common name as well and that I was a Mary Smith or a Kathy Jones.

So far, it looks like I definitely was over-treating myself because I’ve been feeling better these last few days. Had a little burning yesterday but an Ibuprofen took care of that. It definitely helps to use the bidet every time I go as well. I can see why people like them no matter what. It really does keep you feeling fresher and cleaner. We’re thinking of getting bidets for both toilets. If we really like them we’ll get one with a dryer in the next place.

The new boyshorts are comfy with one small exception. The seam on the left hip digs into my flesh a little.

I usually get wings or legs when I get chicken but last time around I got thighs and checked out some videos on different ways of seasoning them. I’m going to make one up later on with minced onions and garlic powder. Made one with paprika last night and it was okay.

Had a dream I was doing jury duty although I don’t know what the case was for. Some guy who worked for the courts was scraping what looked like caked-on dirt off of a footstool or something like that because it was supposedly evidence.

When I look down at myself and realized I was in a sports bra and a pair of shorts, I not only didn’t think that was appropriate for court but I wanted to change in case I was interviewed on TV. It turns out I was in luck because I brought my clothes with me, LOL, so I picked out a simple tank dress.

In real life, I never do jury duty. I tell them I have no faith in the system and it’s true, too. When your freeloading neighbors use their detective friend to lie, trick, deceive and manipulate you in every way possible and then falsify evidence that turns your life upside down before you’re vindicated with NO compensation and Mr. Piggy is given the boot, what do you expect? Lots of love and trust? Hardly!

It isn’t just what happened to me personally. My case was far from unique. People get beaten up and railroaded by the pigs all the time. I don’t think most people realize that more often than not, they’re not our friends. Sure, there are some that truly want to protect and serve but most are in it for the power play aspect of it. I once read that most people who get into law enforcement have anger issues and they choose that field so they can act out their aggression. Makes them feel big and in control and all that shit.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 2019 Derm’s office left a message saying Amy wants to do a follow-up in 4-6 weeks. Why didn’t she tell me that when we talked a couple of days ago?

Don’t know if a follow-up would do me any good. This is either going to go away on its own or it’s not. If it’s not, I don’t see what else they can do for it that they haven’t already tried. So rather than call them back today, I’m going to take a few days to think about it and weigh the pros and cons in my mind. If Tom didn’t have to take any time off to bring me there and it was free, then sure, why not? After all, I went to them for help so I should probably follow through.

On the flip side, he does have to take time off and it does cost money, and I think I’m out of options regardless of what it is. As she said, they can’t be a hundred percent sure.

Also, part of cutting down the appointments is to stop making them in the first place. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is by inaction. This is something that doesn’t always let me ignore it, but sometimes, not doing anything is better than trying to continually try to figure out how to fix something. I’d only have some other problem if it wasn’t this and that could be worse. If this does go away, I’m sure I’ll be replaced with some new long-term problem at some point. You know it always seems to be one thing or another and it’s always long-term. It’s never for just a few weeks or months.

For now, I’m taking her advice by changing undies throughout the day but every few hours is a bit extreme, so I decided 3 times is enough. After my shower at the beginning of my day, in the middle of my day, and before bed. I was having Alexa remind me 4 hours after taking my Levothyroxine to take my vitamins. Bumped that up to 8 hours so it falls in the middle of my day and that’s when I’ll change undies. This way I can do two things at once and will be less likely to forget.

Had mild burning at the end of yesterday and a little today, too. Using the bidet every time I pee instead of just once or twice a day. Tom’s guess is that after a couple of weeks without over-treating it, it will improve and eventually go away on its own. I hope so but my only concern is how long it’s been going on. Remember, I also have a little on my armpits. One pit doesn’t have any but the other has maybe one or two little red spots of irritation.

I racked my brain trying to think of all the different things that could be irritating me and another possibility, even though it doesn’t seem likely, is my shampoo. So now I’m making a point of leaning back when I rinse my hair and squeezing my legs together. That way any soap that does hit my body is going to hit my backside.

Definitely hope the dream I had is a sign that yes, I found the off switch to my anxiety! I don’t know where I was living, but in the dream, I had gotten up not too long ago and realized I forgot to weigh in. I started to tell myself it didn’t matter because I was never going to lose weight anyway. But then I said to myself no, I’m going to weigh myself. I figured out how to stop my anxiety and now I’m going to figure out how to lose weight.

In reality, there’s nothing to “figure out,” though. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day indefinitely to maybe lose weight and I can’t live that way. That’s just not enough food.

In another dream, Aly and I were somewhere outdoors lying on these couches that were facing each other, watching a large-screen TV. In order to forward past the commercials, you had to clap your hands or tap the ground. I was “clapping” through a commercial when Larry suddenly showed up and started tickling me playfully, making me laugh like a little kid.

Then there was some dream about trying to hold my schedule for a job and I was falling asleep, exhausted.

Lastly, I had a dream I was in a small room. I don’t know if it was a room in a building or a stand-alone place but it almost looked like a small studio apartment. There was a tiny kitchenette and a small room with a twin bed. The room’s only door was a slider and it was opened to allow in a beautiful breeze. I stepped outside which I knew to be the back of the place where a cat stood and gazed around me. I wasn’t in the city. I was somewhere in the midst of a countryside with lush rolling hills. The neighboring house was about 100 feet away if not slightly more.

Because the studio had no bathroom, I walked over to an outhouse that was about 30 feet away. I was disappointed to find that its wooden walls were gone and it now had these thin canvas-like curtains surrounding it.

I looked over at the neighboring property. My place was on the top of a hill. The land sloped down into a little valley and then rose again to where the neighbor’s place stood on top of their own hill. I saw a guy in his twenties to early thirties in a tux walking around the place. If he were a little further away I wouldn’t be able to tell he was wearing silver-rimmed glasses.

The land in back of the places also sloped downward and up onto other properties. I don’t know who was behind me but behind the neighboring property, I could see a house that was three or four hundred feet away.

Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to bother to pee because I didn’t think I had enough privacy with just the flimsy curtains billowing in the breeze.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 2019 Dear contest throwers: You have congratulated me on 5 complete strangers’ wins this week (as if I had anything to do with them winning) and spammed the shit outa me. So, I think it’s time to take a break from sweeping for a while.

I was surprised to get such good news from Amy yesterday that I was practically in tears of joy! I do NOT have LS!!! No cancer or fungus of any kind was found either. Instead, they think it’s some kind of contact irritation. She said they can’t be a hundred percent sure, but she’s going to have the path report mailed to me.

When I asked her if it was okay to use a dab of hydrocortisone every other day, she said absolutely and that would actually help it. Less is better, she also said. Tom thinks I might have really had LS or something but that the kickass steroid cream my GYN first gave me killed whatever it was and that because I wasn’t a hundred percent better right away, I’ve been over-treating it ever since which is prolonging the irritation. I hope they’re both right and that this too shall pass!

For now, she’s recommended I wear all-cotton undies only and that I change them a few times a day, so even though I already have about 8 pairs, I jumped on Amazon and got a 12-pack of boyshorts. No more thongs for a while, especially ones that are satiny or made of nylon and other non-cotton materials.

I looked at my size 8 Fruit of the Looms which are not only too big on me but they’re 60% cotton and 40% polyester, so forget those. Size 7 fits me better, so I’m wearing the Fruit of the Loom boyshorts in that size, and I also have some by Hanes. I was never sure which one I liked better, so since I couldn’t make up my mind, I got both brands. The ones coming Friday are by Alyce.

She also recommended sticking with Free & Clear detergent and I ditched my feminine spray as well.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is how long it’s been going on, which for the most part, has been ever since we came to this damn place. I swear it’s like this house has been nothing but a physical curse on me!

Wouldn’t it be too damn awesome if all in the same year I solved this problem, figured out the main triggers of my anxiety, and hit menopause? Sounds too good to be true!

I was surprised by a message from Christine yesterday as well. She said some former neighbor with a foot fetish had been stalking her and that’s why she hadn’t been on Facebook. She figured that staying away would drive the pervert away. Why she would go to such extremes is beyond me, though. Why not just block the person and go private? Why would you have to not use Facebook? That’s what I’d do anyway if I didn’t arrange to meet the person and tear them apart limb by limb.

Watched the parade with Bob and Virginia and finally learned what Bob did before he retired. I was surprised, too. I thought maybe he had been some kind of lawyer or something like that but he was in commercial construction.

Virginia raised 4 kids. Wow! Didn’t know they had that many. But that’s what women did back in her time. I am so, SO glad I wasn’t in my 20s in the 50s or 60s so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pressured to have any. Dealing with judgments and cutdowns for not driving due to my driving phobia and not working outside of the house due to a sleep disorder that’s totally out of my control was enough, but I eventually stopped dealing with it. Really, I won’t put up with that kind of shit. The older I get, the less tolerant I become. As soon as I hear any cracks about who or how I am, I’m gone! Yeah, nothing like accepting yourself as you are even if you don’t always like it while the rest of the world just can’t deal with it, LOL.

I should be up tonight for the fireworks at the lake. I’m not going to go down to the lake but I should be able to see some of them from outside.

After the parade, we ran out to Rite Aid where I got some shiny dangly earrings for the doll as well as a better set of toenails for her because they’re very sticky, don’t need to be glued on, and are a better size.

We also got some treats and I got a jar of polish remover.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2019 This cock not sleeping here while living here really gets to me at times. The little punk was in for an hour in the early afternoon and then came back from five to nine. Again, who the hell needs to see their parents every single fucking day? It’s like they want to annoy the neighborhood.

The urge to send an anonymous email to the office is there at times but I not only know it wouldn’t do me any good other than to vent but now I’m afraid to. if they figure out who I am, if they haven’t already, they’ll only spite us for it. Once again, just got to suck it up.

Kim found Hula Dancer. Damn! My last entry wasn’t even on the front page when she hit it so I don’t know how the hell she found it unless she was browsing through the pages of entries. There really is no hiding in public but Kim is dumb. So hopefully she didn’t put two-and-two together because then she may alert Aly to that account. I still don’t know that Aly isn’t having her search for me, copy and paste things for her, or somehow hacking into me.

Read an article about Ask users being redirected to scams and something about users being open to hackers. That may explain how Aly knew I asked certain questions she couldn’t otherwise know. There’s being smart and then there’s being smart. Aly always seems to know too much and I would be willing to bet that she knows a hell of a lot more about me, past and present, than I even realize. I don’t know how one can successfully hack that many accounts or possibly even my entire computer without Norton catching on or any other kind of alert built into certain sites like Facebook being triggered, but she’s got to be hacking some things because I just don’t see how else she could know so much.

I saw on Ask’s Twitter account that people are still complaining about the redirects. I still say Ask is deliberately redirecting people to cut down its users. Their servers are probably overwhelmed or something like that but they obviously have no intentions of fixing things if the last complaint was only days ago. I’ll stick to Curious Cat, dead or not.

I’m not going to ditch Hula Dancer but I’m going to make sure I definitely don’t mention Aly and Kim or use real names.

I would really love to be able to read Aly and Kim’s messages to each other. I’ll bet that would be quite enlightening and interesting!

Aly got home yesterday but all she did was sleep, she just told me. I’ll bet! She’s been in a lot of pain but says it’s getting a little easier. Meanwhile, 300lb Kim goes on with her perfectly healthy life.

I blocked every account of Kim and Aly’s that I know of from Hula Dancer, even though I know they can turn around and create new ones. I’m curious to see if Kim keeps returning.

My NaNo project is coming along well so far. I just wish I would stop getting this end-of-the-day boredom I often get. I have been struggling for the longest time to think of something other than the things I usually do every day to fill those final hours of my day when I find myself bored. It’s just that I’m 53 and not 8. I don’t find things new and exciting because I simply don’t see through the eyes of a child as I sometimes wish I did. If there’s anything I miss about being a kid, besides believing the adults knew it all, it was that I could really make things seem real. Playing pretend was so believable in ways that are just so silly and even kind of embarrassing at this age.

I have been looking for games that are similar to Sims that simulate real life but that aren’t so complex and damn near impossible to figure out. I just don’t know what else I can do but randomly wander around YouTube. I don’t want to join other chat or social sites. I don’t want to flirt with anyone. I don’t want to play games against others. I don’t know what I want to do. I just know there’s only so much writing I can do and so many puzzles I can do and things like that. If I do something too often, it will get boring.

Anyway, I’m now at the halfway point of the medication experiment. It’s still too soon to say anything for sure either way, and we may never know all the factors that caused my anxiety. I’m still going with perimenopause, medication brands and doses. Right now it’s looking good but it’s still too soon to know anything for sure. If I can get to August without anxiety, then the door to the mystery of what caused at least some of the anxiety will then be open a crack. It will be halfway open if I can make it to September and wide open if I can make it to October. Only then can I assume that yes, brands and dosages probably did have something to do with it.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 2019 While some claims of racism are totally true and honest, I still believe the vast majority of them these days are either intentionally made up or seen in places where it simply doesn’t exist. I think society has become so brainwashed and so obsessed with focusing on the damn subject that they’ve become paranoid to the point that they’re reading things in that aren’t there. I’m still so fucking sick of hearing about it!!! When oh when can we obsess about something else for a change? Hell, obsessing about cockroaches would be a breath of fresh air!

Bastard just came in. His schedule is still unpredictable. All I know is that no one should need to see their parents every day, especially one that young. Shouldn’t he be working during the week and enjoying his youth on weekends at clubs, with friends, or at least a fuck buddy if not a GF?

Starting to wonder if they’re having him come in multiple times a day to spite the neighborhood since they know damn well that at least two of us have complained. Two households, I mean. So many people are like that, though. You complain about them doing something and they do it even more. Again, I could really kick myself for bothering to complain. People simply expect to do what they want to do no matter what and I should have learned to accept this years ago. There’s always going to be shit going on in the world we don’t like and that we can never change no matter what we try to do about it. We can’t simply complain away life’s annoyances and the world’s problems. Just got to suck it up. We won’t be here forever. Of course, we’ll just be listening to someone else wherever we go, but that’s just life.

The little shit came in at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and left two hours later. I knew two hours with its mommy and daddy would never be enough for it, and sure enough, I’m pretty sure I heard it come back in as I was settling into bed. The question is how it left without waking me up since I didn’t use the bud.

Aly had the fibroids removed and spent the night in the hospital. Found a message when I got up saying she had a horrible night with lots of pain and bleeding and wasn’t sure if she would be discharged today. Haven’t heard anything since then, so I don’t know what’s going on with her.

Sent Alyssa another message yesterday with my life story. I’m still in my childhood. Even if she never reads them, I still do like to write so it’s a fun way to fill in those moments of boredom I sometimes get. Maybe in 10-20 years, I’ll be surprised with an actual reply but I certainly won’t count on it.

Chapter 2 of my book Gone (I still don’t know if I like that title) is now over 2K words. I changed some character names earlier.

Tom doesn’t think Ralph’s place will go to a flipper because they’re asking $130,000 for it.

Got the silicone pot and dish scrubbers and they work great! I use them mostly for pots. Love all the different colors as well… Pink, purple, yellow, blue, orange, green and red. Wish I had these in the trailer! Love how they can be washed in the dishwasher too, and how they won’t get smelly the way sponges and washcloths do.

I’m still waiting on a call back from my dermatologist’s office. How long can it possibly take to analyze a piece of pussy?

MONDAY, JULY 1, 2019 It’s CampNaNoWriMo day! But first, I’ll update this journal.

Yesterday morning we went to Walmart which was a pain in the ass as usual. Music was blasting, the place got crowded fast, and no one would give us service when requesting vodka. They keep their hard liquors locked up, but pressing the button for help didn’t do us any good and neither did actually going and getting anyone, so I put the OJ back that I was going to make caramel screwdrivers with and grabbed a 1.5-liter bottle of Barefoot Merlot instead.

It was shortly after this that I learned that unopened wine only lasts 3 to 5 days in the fridge. Therefore, since I only have one drink a day, I’m going to cook with some of it and make a Merlot burger.

Did a small online order and if they don’t have the caramel vodka, I’ll go to a liquor store. Had to get some fungal cream anyway, which we couldn’t find in the store. So hopefully I’ll have those things at the end of the day, plus a few TV dinners for variety that I really shouldn’t have. I put back the few pounds I lost after binging for a few days but I know I can lose that much, so I’m not worried about it. I’ll lose it during the week.

We were going to change the privacy window cling in the laundry room from prisms to what looks like a stained-glass window with blue flowers, but I ordered the wrong size. Maybe I’ll find a use for it elsewhere.

I’m back to using the fleece liners for the pigs because the other stuff really didn’t absorb odors well at all. I’m still glad I found it because I can use it for the rats.

Entered about 100 sweeps that expired at the end of last month. No win dreams. I’m probably going to hang it up for a while because they simply take it as an invitation to spam people and I hate getting other people’s win notices, so I’ll be going around and unsubscribing from everything if I don’t get a win notice this week.

In about an hour or so, I’ll call to see if my biopsy results are in, but again, I’m not expecting to hear anything I want to hear. I’m not going to hear, “Hey guess what? It’s not LS! And it’s simple to cure.”

No, I’m going to be confirmed that it is LS and there’s nothing I can do about it that I haven’t already tried. It’s just something I’m going to have to suffer with on and off for the rest of my life.

[ambrosia-sdit]

Hey! Follow up to the crate training training question- are you Only using the crate for naptimes?

Something that helped us was putting him in there for 30 seconds, giving him some treats, then letting him out. We stagger the time so it's not always longer (ex. 30 seconds. 1 minute. 30 seconds. 2 minutes. 5 minutes. 1 minute. 10 minutes. 3 minutes. Etc) and try to always put him in there with toys.

Something else was everytime he left the crate someone else would scatter some kibble in there. Eventually he learned that going inside his crate himself meant food would appear! We also have worked a lot on settling inside the crate (putting him in a down and giving treats every few seconds once again staggered in time.)

Essentially the crate should Always be where good things happen. Never for a time out or when in trouble and never for more than max 5 hours.

We Give him his food in the crate and when settling down for nap or bed we give him a Kong with just a few pieces to a handful of kibble in it.

The hardest part about a dog in a crate is the first 10 minutes where they don't know if you're coming back or not. We want to teach them we are always coming back

(I know not all of this can always be followed. For example sometimes our puppy is just,,, too much and we really need a break. When that happens get your dog to do something simple but good (like a sit) then put them in the crate with a bit of food or a treat. That way they don't associate the crate with being in trouble)

I work with a service dog organization and we have been raising and training a lab puppy who just turned 4 months. He still whines and barks a bit but the important thing is to be consistent and Don't give them attention if they are whining or barking. They will do everything they can to get your attention and if they learn something works its So Hard to unteach it.

Lmk if you have any follow up questions or inquiries. Positive Dog training is my Passion and I love discussing dog neurology

omg i just saw this! thank you so much, these tips are so helpful! we’re definitely still struggling with the crate, but trying to be more consistent. it’s such a good idea to scatter food in there for her to find, i will definitely have to try that. currently, we use the crate for overnight, naptime, any meals that are in a bowl (not used for training or puzzle toys), and as a place to put her when i have to leave for work. the longest she’s been in there has been three hours so far, but honestly i’m trying my best to keep that under two going forward.

we’ve been at my parents house on christmas break from college for the last month, so the crate has been in my mothers office (there just isn’t room in the living room) so it’s been kind of hard to use it for more than this, but we go back to college tomorrow, and her crate will be in my dorm room so it should be easier to integrate it into our daily routine.

my question for you is, what do you do if she’s still barking after she’s been in the crate for ten minutes? i’m afraid that if i let her out at that point it would reinforce the barking.

[bike42]

Almost as soon as we returned from last year’s Yoga Retreat at Imiloa Institute near Dominical Costa Rica, we booked again for this year. Jeff said he’d never been so relaxed in his life (even though he failed a heart stress test the following week and received two more stents in his Cardiac Artery).

Since we’re somewhat retired now, I thought it’d be great to add on another week down here. We’d already done the thrilling adventures here when we did a REI trip to celebrate Jeff’s 60th birthday 12 years ago. We got word that the Verona Methodist Church was doing a mission trip to Guatemala the week before our retreat so we signed on to that. Flying from San Juan CR to Guatemala City is like flying from Madison to Minneapolis, after all! However, about 4 weeks ago that portion of our trip was cancelled due to some political insurgency that doesn’t make our news (but would if the radicals kidnapped some American missionaries)!

I was bummed but not deterred. I turned to Andrea Russell, our Yoga Retreat leader for suggestions. Besides leading two weeks of retreats, she stays in CR for nearly three months until winter is nearly over. She suggested Drake Bay / Osa Peninsula - specifically Aquila Lodge. I contacted them and of course they were fully booked, but we stayed in touch and they were able to piece together 7 nights for us, but it’ll require moving rooms several times. We can do that!

We had an early departure from Madison; 5am boarding time!! Ryan offered to drive us, but it was so early. We booked an Uber for 4:30am and that worked great. One hour after we crawled out of bed we were strapped in our seats on the plane. First flight was to Atlanta, where we had a gorgeous sunrise probably somewhere over Tennessee.

Tight connection there so we speed walked from terminal C to the International terminal and boarded the flight to CR. Three and a half hours - for the first time on a plane we listened to the audiobook we’d started last week. I overlapped a bit with blackjack on the seat back screen.

We arrived in San Jose shortly after noon, spent an hour in the immigration line, collected our bags and headed towards the little domestic terminal. A polite young man wanted to show us the way and we let him and paid him a $5 tip.

Check in at Sensa Airlines was funny. We had to pay an extra $10 for our heavy checked luggage. Then they weighed our carry on bags, and then they weighed us (glad I didn’t have to pay extra for the pounds I’ve been carrying on my body since the holidays!). We had about 90 minutes to wait for our flight. We had a snack, chatted with some guys from Charlotte and watched people.

We boarded our little Cessna early and took off about 3:45pm. While it was a warm and sunny day, there were clouds on the mountains, and soon we were surrounded by clouds - more than a little frightening as we know there are other little airplanes up here too.

After about 30 minutes, we were out over the ocean and could see the shore, and soon, the tiny airstrip that was Drake Bay. Glad to be on the ground again! Inside the terminal we were greeted by a guy who led us to a truck that had one of those mufflers mounted high on the hood for river crossings! We soon saw why! He wasn’t local, but said he’s been here about two weeks helping his girlfriend with “transportation services.” He bumped us over some rough roads and rivers, through the tiny village of Drake Bay and to the beach. There we met two guys in a water taxi that brought us to the resort.

Alex met us at the dock and walked us up to the open air restaurant. The resort includes breakfast, lunch, and dinner in a communal dining style. We had about 90 minutes before dinner, so he walked us to our room and told us a bit more about the property. Tonight we’re staying in “Esmeralda House,” about halfway down the path towards the village. Our beautiful view is of the beach where we caught the water taxi. The house is rustic, but will be fine. I’m glad they could accommodate us with such short notice. We changed and relaxed a bit, before grabbing our flashlights and venturing back to the restaurant (so glad we arrived during day light!).

We had a mango cocktail, amazing ceviche appetizer, salad and huge tuna steaks for dinner … chocolate cheesecake for dessert. Back to our house for quick showers and hopefully a good nights rest with the sound of the jungle mixed with the sound of the sea!