#and my best friend is my online girl (I love ypou Meowsercat.)
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is there a reason that the only reason i'm looking forward to this hangout is for it to not exist anymore
#blabbering#INCOMING TAG RANT BTW.#ii am being INVITED To an AMUSEMENT park#why am i not happy. i like this girl she's neat. she's my friend.#but i just don't care i don't want to go out.#i don't know why#i crave human connection.. i want friendship and to spend time with people..#but i want it on my own terms or something#i don't know actually#i just don't want to go to this hangout#i feel so against it all#and i want to have friends and be merry but it's like..........#i dread hanging out. i dread being around people. it makes me feel so uneasy and dreadful#like im so excited for august because it'll mean i no longer have a hangout to look forward to.#i can't stay underneath a rock forever even if it's comfy#i know that. obviously . i know it's good for me to be around people#so why does it feel so ??? not good to me#as if it's like not something i want#i was frantically googling “How to tell if you want to be around someone” and “how to tell if you don't want to hang out with someone"#it wasn't really helping because nobody makes articles for that level of fucked-uppedness.#i just prefer to be on my own i like to dictate my own happenings#and if i want to be around someone it's my boyfriend or my best friend or my family#and even with my family it's like umm well you guys are just chill we can do our own happenings in the same room and it's like chill#and with my boyfriend i like him always because he does nice things with me and we watch things and go do things#and my best friend is my online girl (I love ypou Meowsercat.)#so it's like well i don't have alot of friends#and that's chill i like to not have a lot of friends#but i always find myself wishing i did have a lot of friends like people who invited me places#it's just that i naturally feel the need and the want to AVOID other people#sometimes i wonder if it has something to do with the way that i was raised or the way i grew u
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