#and my anxiety with sex meant we didnt do that much cause we were literally never home alone

[clits-and-clips]

Didn't wake up bawling my eyes out today so that's a plus

[poppunkdee]

3-5, 28-30, 35-40

whoa okay everyone sorry for the long post someone decided to give me a million in one ask. 

3. okay so this person idk what to even say about them anymore I hardly know who or what they are like now but I guess ill talk about them when I was irrationally in love with them. They had a way to make me feel at home no matter how far from home I was. That person was super smart (to me) they had a charisma that allowed them to creep into your life and later your heart, and had you liking them even if at first you thought they were just another fake person trying super hard to be “cool” they had a way to get under your skin, to make you laugh until you’re crying and hold your attention in a way that you never really thought they might be able to. Honestly this person made me feel so many things and not all of them were good, in fact looking back now I realized that I excused so much shitty behavior towards me because of a fancy dinner, or a cute poem, or a dozen roses. God i was so in love with them and its sad really how now its just a faded memory of a person who never apologized for the hell they put me through. 

4. the thing I regret most so far is not going to the ivy league school I was accepted into bc it meant I would be far from the person mentioned above. 

5. Oh fuck. Honestly I have not had any like “amazing” birthdays. My most memorable birthdays are seared into my memory bc I was either in a funeral home, in a hospital watching my cousin fight cancer, or I myself was in the hospital bc a car almost killed me(yay 24th birthday!) really I have most fun when I celebrate my birthday alone at disneyland, which I do every year although not on my actual birthday bc it seems that on my actual birthday I’m always caught up in some kind of hospital, or receiving bad news. 

28. honestly idk if i have any like crazy out there fetishes, like dirty talk and rough sex is cool but like idk if i really have like one odd thing. I mean one of my exes and I got hella drunk one night and decided to do all the shit we had wanted to do and lemmi tell you that was a full weekend of endless orgasms and take out food. It was amazing. I had rope burn on my thighs and was sore for a week after and he had like a million hickies from his neck to his dick. 

29. okay turn ons so like these depend on the person im seeing, like for one person their voice as they whisper in my ear might end me while for another the way they bite their lip and run their fingers through their hair might have me thinking of how those fingers might feel on me. so really I don’t have like one singular set of turn ons they just vary depending on the person. 

30.OHHH TURN OFFS THO. so these will literally dry me up like the Sahara desert and make me grab my shit and leave kyle’s house. If I say "men are trash” and the guy replies with “well not all men.... “ yeah ya cancelled. okay this one is shallow I know but its there and i really cant get past it, bad dental hygiene. the white ppl who try to have dreadlocks but really they haven’t washed their hair. ANY NON BLACK PERSON SAYING THE N WORD. I can go on really bc I’m super picky with the people I sleep with and i have actually mid thrust have told a guy to stop, got dressed, left and blocked him. 

35. Things i wish I could stop doing, okay so like as yall know my anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and I wish I could stop the nail biting. Also I need to stop expecting my body to go back to how it was before my car accident, like my spine is forever hurt and i really have to learn to accept that there are somethings i just cant do anymore and its not my fault there are limitations on my body so i should stop expecting to be able to go back to the gym like i used to, or do all the adventurous activities i used to do, also I wish I could go back to driving like i used to without the PTSD fear running through me every time a big rig is next to me on the freeway. 

36, okay so as of rn my guilty pleasure is that I read the twilight books bc my roommates got me into it and like holy shit i went through the whole saga in less than a weekend and I now need to rewatch the movies. honestly thank god for this gay twilight renaissance I’m living. But really tumblr is full of my guilty pleasures so like just scroll through my blog bc its all there, half of this shit is not on any of my public social media,.... or wait actually i think it is, i don’t really hide who i am so like it definitely has affected the way people judge me before they really know me but i know the people that are my friends after seeing the shit i post kinda really like me.  

37. Damn okay so this is kinda, ugh, okay so im sure my best friend is tired of me running back to this person but like i like ppl who ruin me i guess. So this person and I started dating after i had gone through like a horrible breakup, AND I got the news that my uterus is like a war zone for new cells(make of that what you will). Anyways here I am five months into a depressive episode i cut off all the people that i had thought were friends but who turned out to abandon me when i needed them the most. so here enters this person with their puppy dog love and gives me wonderful dirty kinky sex along with the hugs, cuddles, after care and takes me to these cool experiences in the city I thought I knew. They support my dreams and help me work towards them, honestly it was a great three months, but this person told me they loved me one night while at a night club and i thought hey youre drunk pls don’t do this and honestly it was mostly cowardliness that drove me to end it bc i didn’t feel the same way and i felt like i didnt deserve this new pure love i was receiving.  Anyways we hooked up a bit after we broke up and then they started dating someone else and we just kinda saw other people but would come back to each other after our different flings ended, until they got into like a real relationship with some one else and like I was cool like they deserve it, could have used a heads up but like i keep my space like the respectful person that i am, although lately this person has told me they are not into the person they are with and has been hitting me up and like the part of me that thinks im in love with them is really pushing for me to go for it but also they ARE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ITS NOT OKAY THAT THEY ARE SENDING ME MESSAGES LIKE THIS!! so anyways i think im more in love with the feeling they brought me those few months we were together bc i was just so fucking depressed and they helped pull me out of the hole i was in. So not really in love with the person but with the feeling i guess. 

38. songs that remind me of people. oh god, yall can i just make a spotify playlist and link it later bc theres so many. I have a few songs for like everyone that I know that i can make playlists for individual people so like i’ll just link a playlist when get around to it pls remind me later. 

39. OHHHH BOYYY. things i wish i had known earlier. i wish i had known men are trash earlier in life so that i would have been somewhat prepared for the men that caused trauma in my life. I also wish i had known how little time i had with certain people. (people i regret not making more time with) Also wish I had known about the accident that had me in a hospital on my birthday bc a year later im still plagued by nightmares, PTSD, and anxiety on the road. I also wish I had known about my cousin’s accident. GOd if there’s one thing i’ve had to learn the hard way this past year is that we never know when it will be the last time we see our loved ones and that we have GOT to tell them we love them bc we NEVER know when it will be the last time.  

40.okay last one, the end of something in my life. I wanna talk about a good ending bc i feel like yall got some insight on bad shit so like good endings i’d say is when i left socal for norcal. I come back literally anytime im homesick but like it was a huge step for me to take to leave, I was given a full scholarship to the wilderness and an apartment thats a ten min walk to the beach. It was definitely hard leaving all my friends and family behind but it was also kind of refreshing to be able to go out on my own to make my own path and do something i love. im back in socal for the summer and although im so happy to be back in the warmth of LA im definitely looking forward to my small apartment that constantly smells like a mix of sea breeze and damp forest. 

[lifeunderapapermoon]

1-82!!!

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…: You dont abandon the ones you love.

2: Did you get to sleep in today? : til almost 2. Yay sickness

3: You never know what you got until you lose it? : in some cases but never applied to me I guess. I appreciate things before it is too late.

4: Do you have siblings? : I have twin brother and sister who are 11 and they're my whole world.

5: How many kids do you want?: idk honestly I think it would depend on how stable my life was. I've always gotten like 2 or 3 when I did the needle trick.

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?: my best friend nikki

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?: I didnt take someone over 6 foot so I didnt have to.

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care? : I'd like to think so, but idk man

9: Last person to talk on the phone?: my friend Mell

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?: I think my parents saw him kiss me goodbye as he left.

11: When’s your birthday? April 30th

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?: yep

13: What kind of phone do you have? Samsung galaxy s8

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?: I'm not wearing pants

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?: oh absolutely. I'm no longer a doormat. I dont stay in situations that aren't good for my well being. I also learned how to do makeup so I look like a solid 5 now.

16: What were you doing at 4 am?: falling asleep

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?: write!

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?: probably a lot of things lmao it's called "coping"

19: Last night you felt…?: confused & horny

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?: October! I get to be in my best friend Renee's wedding!! And go to Illinois

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?: oh I'm sure I have

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: maybe 9 hours

23: Are you a morning or night person?: night for sure

24: What did you get your last bruise from?: Idk I bruise like a peach lol

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?: yes

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?: probs have a panic attack lol

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?: no

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?: would love to have closure from my ex.

29: How many months until your birthday?3

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?toast or carrots or apples

31: Did you like this past summer?: this past summer had a lot of Highs and lows. I missed out on a lot of summer because I was in the hospital

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?: not on my computer currently

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?: leave?

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?: ugh fuck

35: Your mood summed into one word? Confused

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey? Listening to Grayscale

37: What are your initials? LPR

38: Are you a happy person? Generally I am but I also hide the emo side real well.

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago? Nope lol

40: Where do you want to live when your older? I'd like to live in a house with a wrap around porch and large windows. I dont know the location

41: Have you had your birthday this year? Nope

42: What did you do yesterday? I went to therapy and then out to dinner with my best friend Sully.

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?: I dont plan that far in advance lol

44: How late did you stay up last night? I think like 4 ish

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?: I would lay down my life for my friends and family.

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?: not at all lol

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?: I think it depends on the relationship. I'm still friends with a few exes, BUT we dated in like middle school so it wasnt serious. I think as you get older and the relationship is more intimate (not really sexual) it gets more difficult to shove those feelings aside and just be friends.

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?: a few have tried. I dont know where a lot of their heads are lol I dont talk to many of my exes.

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?: I barely remember 2012 lmao. Probably a lot since I was a lovesick puppy for any guy

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?: no, well depends on the ex I guess. I wished for a long time that the guy who was abusive and controlling was dead.

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?: lots of times

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?: once a cheater always a cheater

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?: yeah it was. We wont talk about that.

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?: trying not to.

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?: I've literally gotten tattoos with my parents lol. Like they took me to get like 4 of them

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?: stomach

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?: Oklahoma maybe or Tennessee. Also maybe Florida cause the beach

58: What would you change about your life right now?: not much I could physically change

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?: Yep. A lot

60: Are you on the phone? Yeah I'm mobile writing this.

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?: Forward. Last week I couldn't even leave my bed lol

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?: the money. I have a jeep that is less than perfect but I love her just the same

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?: apparently I'm attracted to pot heads so all the time

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?: lol more times than I can count at this point.

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?: yes lol it's how I passed spanish my second year.

66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home?: depends on my mood. I have mad social anxiety so usually just wanna be at home.

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?: yes

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?: multiple times. I'm the one everyone calls when they're having a crisis. I'm always there. Always.

69: Could you use some sleep right now?: I could always use sleep

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?: well I'm 23 now so I'm gonna have to say no lol

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?: drives me insane. All I ask for is honesty. Legit it

72: What’s your favorite color?: turquoise

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?: Yes lol

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?: yes or my glasses on my fucking face

75: Do you get annoyed easily?: oh boy, yeah.

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?: absolutely. Life is too short to not tell the people you love how you feel.

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?: my best friend Griffen. Hes like my brother

78: Does anyone call you babe?: my friends do.

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?: maybe 2

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?" Relationship. I cant do casual even though I've tried. I'm built for relationships 🤷‍♀️

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?: black

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?: Yeah.....