#and maybe it's just the way my brain is wired | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

canisalbus · 1 year ago

Note

How do you draw so frequently???

I'm starting to think I probably have some passive ADHD so I end up always admiring ppl who can just constantly do stuff, it's like a dream, your art is also like a dream, Vasco is also a sweet dream, I really like Vasco, he looks really sweet

I set aside a little bit of time every evening just to draw, it's become almost like a wind down routine for me. It helps if I don't treat it as serious 100% effort hard mode art time, I usually multitask a little on the side, watch a movie or take breaks to do little chores around the house and art just sort of happens if it happens. Lately I've been making mostly personal low pressure feel-good pieces.

#this isn't really normal for me either I'm typically way WAY more shiftless #I've been unusually productive during these past few months but I may slow down sooner or later #drawing Vasco/Machete stuff is nice it gives me some badly needed serotonin and results in this positive feedback loop #so I keep making more #I also switched to different antidepressants earlier this year and I'm thinking maybe they have something to do with it #perhaps they reconnected some wires in my brain and suddenly drawing became a lot easier and more enjoyable who's to say #I'm just trying to make the most out of this creative period while it lasts #answered #anonymous #own characters #Vasco

1K notes · View notes

carnivalcarriondiscarded · 1 year ago

Text

uh. yeah i have no excuse i just couldn't decide between scribblin' up a monster or Home so i fused the two. monster home for No concrete reason!

#splintery wood ribs and uhhhhh Brick Hooves and Wires!#ngl this was slightly inspired by hell pigs? obviously has Deviated from that image but yk #in my mind they have a large living space inside #complete with a lil window hatch for wally to say hi to his friends #so they're still Technically a functioning house! just with legs! and. uh. skin? kinda?#idk! to me the 'skin' isnt actual skin. it feels oily but Isnt #again! In! My! Mind!#my brain will take anything and run with it and oh boy is it sprinting #i could have given home hands. i could have. but i didnt <3 #imagine this freight train of a beast running ya down! i think i'd enjoy it!#scribble salad #i dont know what the 'fur' is. its definitely not fur i think...#maybe it should be wires? tentacles? hay?#eh it doesnt really matter! i doubt ill ever draw this Beast again #monster scribblin is a fun way to cool down And warm up!

290 notes · View notes

faaun · 7 months ago

Text

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months #to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them #in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought #i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are #and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it #its worth missing i think #i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over #(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think #i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat #they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand #how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much #i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around #something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode #arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully #last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing #and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets #and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably #have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused #blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like #i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much #my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to #music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads #i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says #what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.

30 notes · View notes

gravesung-moving · 2 months ago

Text

>makes a big blog decision >satisfied a few days later: >thinks about making anothe—

#ooc.#i know i literally. just went private. but my brain is on its 'make geto his own blog' bs again #'raine wont that make your problems worse' yes but also no?? i feel like. just separating them would be an easy way to not worry about #crossing wires... it would probably mean the activity on the multi drops but i feel like. thats probably ok.#& would 100% leave the multi private i think thats the best decision for it #BUT. H. maybe ill make a poll later since the worry is annoying the two separate communities/audiences #will get back to this after marinating on it at work. but any thoughts/advice are welcome ofc

7 notes · View notes

femmeterypolka · 2 months ago

Text

ok the thing which fucked me up the most with mouthwashing is anya and how giving curly his painkillers triggers her so much. because of my extremely personal issue problems.

#this will sound insane but. it made me think of my grandma.#i have really intense issues with infantilization because of some weird wires that got crossed in my brain when i was little #yaknow. when you're a kid and you don't know what sexuality is and why certain things feel good.#of course this has not effected my psyche in any way! (sarcasm.)#seeing someone i love and always took as a granted fact of my existence slowly losing her autonomy due to dementia and regressing #i can't fucking stand it when my parents make infantilizing jokes at her expense. everything is just a normal fact of life of course #you'll lose control of your bladder. your eating habits will become strange. you'll lose what little filter you had #and of course everything will feel like an imposition if you can't remember agreeing to something #but still. i know it's something which shouldn't upset me. frankly it's maybe kinda ableist.#but those crossed wires in my brain makes certain things feel like an attack. both on her and on me by proxy #sorry i'm insane. wow i wonder why i developed the problems i'm having now! the seeds were never there (sarcasm again).

4 notes · View notes

genuflectx · 5 days ago

Text

Maaan I love the optimistic advice "keep practicing and you'll get better at art" as much as the next artist, but it always rubs me the wrong way when that evolves into "just keep practicing and you WILL 100% succeed and CAN get into the industry."

It changes from good general advice to implying you're just doing something wrong if still haven't "made it" yet. Not in the industry? Well, you just haven't worked hard enough, obviously, as if there aren't plenty of other factors that play into "succeeding” in a highly competitive industry like art.

Don’t let advice that’s supposed to be encouraging turn into something discouraging 😭

#there’s a lot more to worming your way into the art industry than just. studying art real hard and working your bones off #hard work only gets you so far.#a lot of ‘success’ also starts at childhood and that goes for any industry #having supportive family and even better if they’re financially supportive #good early education. good physical and mental health. the ability to focus and do the same task over and over for hours #good social skills- because networking gets you a lot further than pure talent alone.#growing up in a convienaint location to even network at all. or the power to travel to such a location.#natural talent puts you ahead. brains work differently so it’s ignorant to pretend natural talent isn’t a thing #some take to a skill faster than others because their brain comes out more wired for it. so their skills develop easier and faster #music never came to me. I can’t hear the tone of my own voice most of the time. I DID study music and take mystic classes as a teen #it’s insulting to be banged over the head with ‘if you study music you’ll start to get it.’ I’m 28 #I know myself and have tried during an age which music is easier to learn and yet I did not. I don’t have talent for it- my brain doesn’t-#-grasp it. the same with any art. some will struggle more to learn visual art ‘good enough’ for the industry #and implying that they just don’t get it yet becasue they haven’t tried hard enough is insulting #you can always get better. always always!! but sometimes grinding is just… grinding. fruitless and painful #I failed algebra twice as a teen. I couldn’t understand punnet squares till my 20s.#saying work harder and you’ll become a math professor would be insulting. implying I never tried to learn at all.#implying that even tho I took tutoring multiple times that maybe. if I just took one more. poor id suddenly be more able.#people work hard and it just clicks and 10 years later you’re in a great art industry job… you’re not the rule. you’re the exception #ugggh sorry :p just frustrated. sometimes people just don’t realize the kind of luck they’ve had in life and it irritates me

4 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months ago

Text

...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated

8 notes · View notes

anothermonikan · 11 months ago

Text

The thing about my brain constantly narrating my actions and my creative processes and that sometimes I'll just think something completely out of left field and I just gotta sit with that

#sorry sorry drawing something and I was think about how I would feasibly structure parts in a robot body #and Idrk why and where I got this from but I always think the hardrive should be a center piece #like I always describe hardrives as the heart and brain of a computer so I place it. where the heart would be #but I don't really think about how it would be protected it's just kinda. There amount the wires #and like. idk I've had a few too many thoughts about someone holding my heart and like. there's something about it man #like the amount of trust you'd have to put into a person to do that. Completely unfeasible fantasy yeah #But I think I'm making that feasible with the way I think about robot internals because there isn't like. an equivalent of a ribcage #so like ough....that type of thing is feasible to do to them #sorry sorry #I think this is gonna change people's opinions on me maybe now that I've in-tag mentioned that I think about people holding my heart yeag #I think it'd be pretty epic if it was feasible yeag #Android.txt

5 notes · View notes

widevibratobitch · 1 month ago

Text

uh ohhhhhh getting all in my head again aha

#ok so even if im right what does that change #everything but ok ok. i can always just kms to atone for my sins <333 #(<-normal coping mechanism with Not Being Able To Deal With The Kind Of Person You Are)#no no ok no kmsing but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bruh i thunk my brain is like. not built right #like what if thats not actually bpd. what if it IS npd after all and ive just #manipulated her into giving me the More Easily Palatable Diagnosis that allows #me (and some goodwilling others) to view myself as a victim instead of just an unsalvageable fucking monster lol #this is NOT the kind of problems i imagined myself having in my 20s #dunno why im losing my mind about rn in the middle of all this silly tumblr shenanigans but #i think my therapist is wrong. she keeps talking shit about trauma and abuse but this isnot #not right. I HAVENT HAD any truly traumating experiences. like divorced parents are normal it doesn't usually do THAT to people. that is NOT #trauma lol SA ok ig but i dont even like. think about it at all and it wasn't even actua fucking rape so like. MAYBE i could blame some #some of myunhealthy #kinks on it but thats literallyit #like me being the way i am really doesnt stem from me being a victim of abuse or anything #like there's no one to blame except for myself there is just something in me thats inherently lacking and it's driving me crazy #it's like im in a constant battle against myself where im forcing myself to feel bad about it because if i allow myself to let go #it's over. for me and for everyone i've manipulated into caring about me #it's insane it's genuinely fucking crazy i really feel like im losing my mind Sometimes #and like the worst part is i can't be fucking bothered to even try to change lol cause it's uncomfortable and it puts responsibility on me #and icant deal with that cause im a pussy and a serial quitter lmao #thats not 'fear of abandonment'. that's just being. wrongly wired. inside.#ANYWAY. never fucking mind. normal again uwu

1 note · View note

ssreeder · 1 year ago

Note

I RESENT THAT "NO LONGER GIVES A FUCK" STATUS, I DO GIVE A FUCK, MANY FUCKS, TOO MUCH FUCK, WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY I'M HAPPY WITH JETS SUFFERING

Hold on. Ok

The way i see it, Just t *owes* me his suffering for what he did to Zuko and accidentally killing Shen. I'm fragioe with MY babies. Jet is the bastard that hurt them, so i want to see him writhe in pain

After his suffering he can apply to become my dear baby but only if he stops trying to get zuko killed (bc I'm not sure he'll backtrack all his dying progress when he realizes zuko didn't actually die and sokka is still happily with his boyfriend lol). Alternately, even if he's still awful but powerless against zuko, AND he starts the domino effect towards zuko and sokka being able to openly be together? I can forgive his entire existence

So you see, I'm very soft and malleable. I just require a bit of suffering to forgive

-An absolute Fragile Heart

TSK TSK

Jet felt like he was backed into a corner, and you never corner a wild animal. (Yes we could argue he is a human not an animal but Jet doesn’t always live up to the human being standard so wild animal it is)

He reacted from his own trauma and did what he thought was best, no it wasn’t good, but he tried. In all fairness he didn’t think through the fallout of his letter… oh well, you are correct Shen did die & Zuko was delivered almost dead so yeah you’re right.

Oh Jet is suffering haha & will continue to suffer but it’s hard to say what his reaction to Zuko being a live will be lol. We’ll see…. :D

7 notes · View notes

wibble-wobbegong · 2 years ago

Text

i need to meet another schizo and see if our neurodivergency clicks the way the other ones click with each other . im Failing at being nd bro

#sometimes i’ll use the term autism because it’s way easier than saying ‘my neurodivergent symptoms resulting from schizoaffective disorder #that align with symptoms of autism’ but im not actually autistic #my brain doesn’t click the way i thought it would with other people #like it does a little but it’s. off #i wonder if that’s because of the wiring or if i’m still just bad at interacting with people #contemplating the human brain and how interconnection works between different divergencies #it’s cool watching the way people interact and learning about their deeper personalities in ways you wouldnt expect #people are fascinating. like legit #the expansiveness in the ways which we can evolve and the ways in which we are preprogrammed #what aspects of ourselves we prioritize and how that allows us to connect with others who prioritize similar things #recreating the behaviors you see around you to try and blend in and understand how that social aspect works is so fun sometimes #that makes me sound insane but blending into different groups requires absorbing different humor and styles of expression and communication #it’s vastly different between some groups #i’d love to study people all the time . maybe i should actually go into psychology #but i dont care about the brain itself rather the person #dear diary

9 notes · View notes

pasta5284 · 2 years ago

Text

i know its the adhd that makes habits/consistency/routine hard to stick to but every other aspect of my mental health benefits greatly from these things. in fact the adhd does too it (+depression) is just stronger than everything else when it comes to Not Doing Things

#uwu #i hate ppl who instantly go normal from adderall #like dont get me wrong it helps a LOT #but it doesnt totally get rid of the adhd #and i dont really expect it to bc i know thats just how my brain is wired to some degree no meds can like. magically change that #but so many other adhd'ers will talk about how magical adderall is for them #but its not that way for me -_- maybe a diff stimulant would be better but addies are still one of the most effective meds ive ever had #so im scared to switch in case the other med doesnt work and then i die for like a month before i can go back to adderall #-_- w/e i suppose #i make it work the best i can

4 notes · View notes

kavehater · 7 days ago

Text

I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining

#dora daily #idk how to tell her maybe she should focus on other things and games #I don’t know I’m overthinking bc everything rn is such a mess and my heart hurt so bad earlier and I felt like throwing up and stuff idk #what to do #everything is somehow going worse and worse it feels like it’s snowballing out of control but it’s because why is everyone so mean to me #like all I have ever wanted is just to be seen but I’m always invisible to everyone and people OFTEN tell me they forget abt me so many #times that it’s more often they forget me than remember #why am I so forgettable and why do I get replaced like idk what’s wrong with me #what’s so horrible abt my personality I don’t understand like is it the way I think ? I think it’s the way I think #but I can’t change how my brain is wired or how it functions I just don’t know how to fix it #I swear I’ve tried everything for years and years I’ve spent since my very early years trying to find out what’s wrong with me and why #it’s so hard for ppl to like me I’ve tried to change everything it doesn’t work and only six months ago I found out why people don’t like me #just by trial and error #it’s my brain and the way I think it’s just all wrong idk how I’m meant to think but it’s not meant to be like this #my personality is all wrong my likes are all wrong my thinking and everything is all wrong and I’m stuck like this unless I somehow do #some surgery on my brain to fix how I think I’ll be like this forever #I wish I could just fold myself up into a little version of myself and just put it away to take up the least amount of space in this world #I’ll never belong in this world and I don’t want to be here anymore #shoot I can barely even see the text on my keyboard bc I just can’t stop crying #I always said my parents should’ve never gotten married they were never a match my mum should’ve gotten an abortion when she found out like #she never even liked my dad anyways #fuck how do I stop crying my mum is gonna be here soon and she’s gonna start laughing at me like she usually does when I tear up I’m #straight up bawling LOL imagine she sees that I’ll be made a mockery more than I already am this is so humiliating and pathetic. why do I #care sm now I’ve never wanted to be alive but now I’m so sad because I really don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t know what to do #my head hurts now maybe I should go to sleep maybe it’ll help me forget about this at least for a while longer #I’m just so sad I have to manually ask ppl to care about me I’m so tired I have to do this with everyone #I’m not even angry anymore I’m just so sad I’m sad that others get that care like it’s second nature but with me I have to ask and beg forit #oh ik if my mum sees I’ll just tell her I’ve been itching my eyes if she asks why they’re red LOL #It’s okay if nobodyll ever like me like I like them right ? I don’t have to get liked back as long as I give love to others right ? then I #won’t be useless like my mum says I am at least I can have a tiny bit of use even though my love means absolutely nothing I bet it’s okay iv

1 note · View note

audiovisualrecall · 7 months ago

Text

And now ma is in a Mood

#ages ago they booked a rental for everyone to come to the cape in July and now shes worried that my sisters will kill each other #and I'm like they will barely have to spend any time together just a dinner together once or twice maybe and not start a fire #at bedtime! thats all! most of the time we will break up into our own little groups to do activities #she wont have to spend her vacation dealing with their explosions #seriously me and steph and her hubby will go do some kayaking and me and steph will go bikeriding and the bro in laws can chill on the porch #oldest sister can hang with parentals on the beach or can go touristy stuff w her crew #ma and dad can hang with any of us or at their house there and we can come over in various groupings #bro in law can go take nephew to go-karts or oldest sistsr can #i can hang with parentals or on the beach or any groupings of us can go for a walk any time #lunch can be separate as long as we communicate and no one is left lunchless #dinners the same. like we dont Have to do Everything as a whole big group every single day we're there yknow?#but shes unhappy shes annoyed with the two of them but imo it was mostly oldest sister and bro in law #like steph over-reacted once time in a bigger way that was annoying yes. but that could have been allowed to be moved on from #but oldest sister was apparently Too annoyed by it??? and by steph's complaining in general abt small things?? idek #like steph moved on from whayever made her react and have a mini meltdown. but #oldest sister sees Any reactiveness or mini meltdowns from steph as her Not Trying and loses patience #meanwhile i can see the difference like steph has made a lot of progress that i can see #and part of that is she understands WHY she reacts now bc she realized shes adhd and that reactiveness is part of that #like its not something shes deliberately doing wrong. its a way her brain is wired. and she can use methods and tips from her therapist to #manage her reactivity and process it and not react as badly?#like thats a big deal #and oldest sister doesnt care to see the difference and that hurts steph too (hello rsd i understand you)#somehow theyre both different with ME and my reactivity. bc I'm the youngest so 'baby sister' privileges idefk

0 notes

sodacowboy · 8 months ago

Text

OH OKAY I figured it out

#I have a hard time with words and visuals right #despite those being like two of things I’m best at #and it’s because I can’t describe visuals #and I can’t visualize descriptions #like there’s a disconnect somewhere yknow???#anyway #the way people process things is so fascinating to me #because like other than dreams I don’t see pictures in my head #like I can’t even visualize the dream once I’ve woken up #but I also still know exactly what things look like???#like I don’t need to see a couch to know what it looks like #I don’t need to see a circle to know what it looks like #and so during awake hours it’s just pure monologue #there’s only words in my brain #and for other people it’s so different!!!#sometimes people ONLY have pictures and have to translate #and that seems so foreign to me #anyway I also just now made a connection between my inability to do mental math #and my inability to keep track of my thoughts #it’s because I can’t see the numbers and words in my head #I don’t have anywhere to put them #I have to rely on my shit short term memory to do things #and I end up losing my place in things and just…..#the more I learn about the way I work and how I process things #the more I realize that oh hey maybe my brain isn’t quite wired the way it should be #which is just so strange because I know I’m smart and yet my brain is so busted lmao #anyway anyway

0 notes

gentlethorns · 9 months ago

Text

i hate being mentally ill and i especially hate that it's triggered by stress. it's like once things start dogpiling on me my own brain jumps in to join the fun and i'm like ??? stop???

#she bork #last week stressed me out so so bad and work sucks and my brain is like 'you know what? i hope we get sick. i hope we get ridiculously sick #and can't even call off work. i hope we just keep going and things keep getting worse until we break completely.' like okay but why let's #not maybe?#idk i think there's something cathartic about the thought of just snapping and being forced to take the time to recover. there's something #about pushing myself until i just can't anymore. i'm not sure what it is about it that calls me but i've always been that way. but as i get #older i obviously have recognized that it's my fucking mental illness so i try to stay healthy but sometimes it's so fucking hard. esp bc #i've always prided myself on being tough and resilient and being able to go for miles on no gas. which that was true when i was younger (at #least partially bc anxiety kept me wired literally all the time so the nervous energy alone was enough to sustain me) but now that i'm older #and trying to recover from my mental illness and i've been operating that way for years i just can't. and that comes w a feeling of defeat #and even self-contempt but ik it shouldn't. idk i'm both the horse and the whip that cracks at its back help

1 note · View note