#and maybe it's just the way my brain is wired
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My doll...
Disclaimer- Something my pervert brain thought about, I hope you all enjoy. Warning- Soft dark Bucky, smut, possessiveness, jealousy, 5.3k words.
Bucky Barnes had always been a man of few words. A soldier by nature, a soldier by habit. But it was something about you that had always made him feel like he was at a crossroads with himself, like his life could go one way or another depending on whether or not he could ever find the courage to speak up.
The first time he realized he was in love with you, it wasn’t a dramatic moment. There were no bells, no grand gestures. It wasn’t like he had a clear, defining thought of this is it. It was quieter than that. He was sitting next to you in the Avengers’ compound, watching you work on some new project you had thrown yourself into, fingers deftly moving over wires and circuits. Your brow furrowed in concentration, lips parted in that way that made him want to reach out and touch you.
He never had before, of course he was too afraid of ruining the friendship, too afraid of making things weird.
And that was how it had always been. Quiet. Unspoken.
But even with those feelings slowly building, Bucky stayed quiet. He watched you from the edges, from the safety of his distance, telling himself that if you ever really loved him, you’d say it first. He couldn’t risk the possibility of losing you altogether. So, he waited. And waited. And waited.
Tonight, was supposed to be like any other. A rare night off from their duties. No mission on the horizon, no danger lurking around every corner. The team wasn’t together, except for you. You suggested going to a bar nearby for a drink and a break from the constant grind of life in the compound. Bucky had decided, almost reluctantly, to say yes.
Bucky had, of course, known you cared. In all the small moments, like how you would always check in on him, ask him about his dreams or how he was really feeling. And the way your eyes lingered on him when you thought he wasn’t looking.
I know you love me, he thought. I know it.
But Bucky never had the nerve to say it out loud. And now, here he was, sitting across from you at the bar, staring into his glass of whiskey, wishing he could just reach out and touch your hand without the world falling apart around him.
He was far too aware of how close you were, and yet how far away you still seemed.
You were laughing, your voice light and full of life. You always seemed to shine brighter when you were in this mood, the weight of the world lifted, even if only for a moment. But Bucky could see the flickers of doubt in your eyes. Could see the way you kept looking over at him, waiting for something.
Maybe tonight was the night you’d say it. Maybe tonight you’d do what Bucky couldn’t bring himself to do.
But as he watched you, a strange feeling began to take hold. A spark of jealousy. It was a ridiculous thing, he knew. But it wasn’t about you. It wasn’t about the way you looked at other people—it was about the way you looked at him and didn’t say anything. Didn’t do anything.
It was then that a woman approached him.
Bucky didn’t want to be rude. He’d never been the type to just turn someone down, but when the woman slid onto the seat next to him, her eyes lighting up at the sight of him, he didn’t feel the usual discomfort. Instead, he felt an odd sense of power and control, maybe.
She was bold, confident. The way she laughed, the way she touched his arm, the way she spoke to him, it all felt like a challenge. A test. And before he could stop himself, he realized something. He wasn’t afraid of this woman. He wasn’t uncomfortable.
But you were.
He saw the way you stiffened in your seat, the way your smile faltered. You hadn’t said a word, but Bucky could tell, he knew. You were jealous.
And for some reason, that made his heart pound. A dark thought crept into his mind, ‘Maybe this is how it’ll happen. Maybe I can make you admit it. Maybe I can get you to finally say what we both know is true.’
The woman leaned in closer, her fingers brushing his. Her breath was warm against his ear as she whispered, “So, what do you say? Care to dance?”
Bucky glanced at you once more. You were still staring at him, but now, there was a mix of frustration and hurt in your eyes. His breath caught in his throat. He should stop this. He should turn away. But a dangerous impulse surged through him.
“Sure.” he said, standing up without another word, letting the woman take his hand and pull him toward the dance floor.
He could hear your breath hitch from across the room. He could feel your gaze burning and intense. But he didn’t break. Not yet.
They moved in close as the music shifted, her body pressed against his. It was all a game now, a game Bucky wasn’t sure he wanted to play but couldn’t help himself from continuing. Every move he made, every gesture, was designed to make you feel something. To make you feel what he had felt for so long ‘the ache.’ The longing. The desperate desire for something more.
But as they danced, his thoughts were on you. Only you. And all the ways he had hurt you without ever realizing it.
You were standing now, getting your things, heading for the door. And Bucky’s chest clenched as he realized something. He couldn’t let you go. Not like this. Not anymore.
“We are done!” he said to the woman, his voice sharp as he brushed past her, heading toward you.
The cool night air hit him as he caught up to you just outside the bar.
“Doll, wait,” he said, his voice catching in his throat. “Where are you going?”
You didn’t turn around, didn’t even slow down. “I’m going back to the compound, Bucky. I’m done.” Your voice was quiet, but it was laced with finality. “I’m done pretending. Done watching you with her.”
“I’m going back to the compound,” you repeated, your voice a little too calm, too controlled. “I need to clear my head. I think I’ll go check in with Steve.”
The moment the words left your mouth, you felt the shift in the air. Bucky froze.
You hadn’t expected it, Bucky was always so controlled, so guarded. But there was something in his eyes now. Something darker. The breath you’d taken in to steady yourself suddenly caught in your throat.
“Steve?” Bucky’s voice was low, tight with barely contained emotion. His grip on your wrist tightened, and you could see his jaw clench, the muscles beneath his skin rippling with barely restrained anger. “You’re going back to Steve?”
You nodded slowly, avoiding his gaze. You had no idea why, but you couldn’t meet his eyes right now. Maybe it was because you could feel his anger building, and it made you uneasy.
“Yeah,” you said, trying to sound indifferent, but even to your own ears, the words felt hollow. “I’ll be fine, Bucky. I just need some space.”
You tried to pull away, but his grip on your wrist tightened, pulling you back toward him. His eyes locked onto yours, and there was something in the depths of his gaze something primal that made your breath catch.
“Don’t lie to me,” he growled, his voice rough, his tone clipped. “You’re not going back to Steve. Never ever!”
His hand moved to your other wrist, and before you could protest, he spun you around, backing you up against the cold brick wall of the alley. You gasped at the suddenness of it, the sharp heat of his body pressing against you. The force of it left you breathless, but it wasn’t just the physical contact that left you feeling winded, it was the storm swirling in Bucky’s eyes.
“I don’t care about your games, doll,” Bucky continued, his voice now a dangerous whisper. “I don’t care if you’re trying to protect yourself or play it safe. You don’t get to walk away from this. Not after all these months. Not after I’ll final say what I should’ve said the first goddamn time I saw you.”
Your heart hammered in your chest as Bucky’s breath came faster now, his face inches from yours. You could feel the heat radiating off him, the anger and frustration practically crackling in the air between you. His hand was on the wall next to your head, caging you in, his body pressing into yours like he was trying to hold you there, to make you listen.
“Don’t you dare go back to Steve!” he snarled. “I know what you’re trying to do. I know what you’re hiding from. But don’t you dare tell me you’re choosing him. Not when we both know what’s between us.”
Your stomach twisted at his words, a jolt of panic rising up in your chest. You had to get away from him, from this. But somehow, the words felt wrong. He was right. Something had shifted tonight, everything had shifted tonight. And the more you tried to run from it, the more you realized that you were just as tangled up in it as he was.
You shook your head, trying to pull away from his grip. “Bucky, stop. Just stop.”
But he didn’t. His hand moved from the wall to your face, cupping your jaw with surprising gentleness. His thumb stroked over your skin, the touch almost tender despite the fury that was still burning in his eyes. It was like he was trying to hold on to you, trying to keep you from slipping away.
“I’ve spent months pretending I didn’t want you,” Bucky muttered, his voice low and raw. “I’ve spent months watching you with him, keeping my distance, telling myself it was enough just being close to you, just being around you. But it’s never been enough, Doll. It’s never been enough, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“I love you, Y/N. I’ve always loved you.”
Your breath caught in your throat. For a moment, neither of you moved. The world stood still.
You swallowed hard, fighting the surge of emotions that were building inside you, fighting the tears threatening to break free. You had never seen Bucky like this so raw, so vulnerable, so… angry. It terrified you, but in a way, it also made you realize just how deeply he cared for you. How much he had always cared for you.
His grip on your face tightened, but there was no anger in his eyes now, only something softer, something that made your heart beat even faster. “I don’t want to claim you, Doll. I want to have you. I want you to choose me.”
Before you could respond, Bucky’s lips crashed into yours again, desperate and urgent. It was no longer a question, no longer a plea. It was an answer. His hands slid to your back, pulling you into him with such force that you could feel his heart racing against yours.
The kiss was everything every unspoken word, every hidden desire, every emotion they had both kept buried for so long. Bucky was done hiding, done pretending, and as you kissed him back with equal fervor, you knew there was no going back from this.
“Don’t go back to him,” Bucky whispered against your lips, his voice thick with need. “I’m not letting you go.”
You didn’t know what to say. The words felt like they were stuck in your throat. You had always thought you’d have time to figure this out, but now that the truth was out there between you, out there between him, you knew that there was no more time for pretending. No more time for games.
You pressed closer to him, your hands threading through his hair as you kissed him again, and in that moment, you realized there was only one thing that truly mattered.
Bucky dragged you in the room at the backside of the bar.
Without warning, he pins you against the wall, his body pressing against yours. His hands cup your face, holding your gaze captive.
He presses himself closer, one thigh between your legs. His hands move from your face to your hips, gripping them firmly. His lips graze your ear as he speaks, his voice a low grumble. “I'm going to show you exactly how much I want you, right here, right now.”
His mouth closes on your neck, kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin. You feel his fingers slipping under the hem of your tee, tracing a path of fire along your waist. “I've wanted you for so long, you have no idea. Watching you, smelling your scent, feeling your touch... it's been driving me crazy.”
His lips move down the column of your throat, leaving a trail of hot kisses along the way. One of his hands moves up to cup your breast, his thumb gently circling your nipple through the thin fabric of your bra.
You let out a gasp, arching into his touch. Your body is responding to his every move, awakening a need you've kept buried for far too long. Bucky smiles against your skin, enjoying the way he's unraveling you piece by piece.
“You like that, don't you? Feeling my hands on you, my mouth on your skin.” He whispers in your ear before capturing your earlobe between his teeth, biting down just hard enough to send a shiver down your spine.
His other hand slides under your skirt, trailing up your thigh, his touch leaving a trail of fire in its wake.
Your breath hitches, your legs growing weak as Bucky's touch becomes more and more brazen.
He chuckles lowly, satisfied to see you coming undone under his hands. “You're so responsive... so sensitive. I love seeing you like this, completely at my mercy.”
He spins you around, pressing your front against the wall. You feel his weight press into your back, his hands roaming everywhere, claiming you as his own.
“I'm going to make you mine, here and now. There's no stopping this, no denying what's been boiling between us for so damn long.”
His lips find the nape of your neck, kissing and sucking on the soft skin. His free hand slides down your stomach, resting just at the waistband of your panties. The contact is almost too much, your mind reeling from the barrage of sensations.
“I want you so badly... Can I have you? Right here, right now?” He asks, his voice a deep, raspy whisper. He's poised on the edge, waiting for your answer, his body tense with anticipation.
You can't find the words to speak, too overwhelmed by the storm of emotions and sensations he's stirring within you. Instead, you respond by arching your back, pressing yourself against him, wordlessly signaling your consent.
Bucky lets out a guttural growl, the sound filling the air. He doesn't need anything more than that. His hands move with newfound urgency, peeling away the layers of fabric separating you from him.
He turns you around, his expression darkened with desire. He looks at you hungrily, taking in every inch of your exposed skin. His hands run up your sides, tracing the curves of your body, committing every detail to memory.
“You're so beautiful... So goddamn perfect.” His words are punctuated by small, lingering kisses along your collarbone, across your chest, down along your stomach. You're lost in the sensation, your body on fire under his touch.
He sinks to his knees in front of you, his lips continuing their exploration of your body. He kisses and nips at the tender skin of your inner thighs, teasing and tantalizing you with every touch.
“I want to taste you... I need to taste you...” He husks, his hands wrapping around your hips, pulling you closer. You can feel his breath on your core, hot and eager, making you shiver in anticipation.
His tongue darts out, tasting you lightly, just enough to send a rush of pleasure through you. You gasp, your fingers threading into his hair, holding him close. Bucky smiles against your flesh, enjoying how responsive you are to his ministrations.
He alternates between soft, almost chaste kisses and more firm, calculated licks. He's enjoying the taste of you, the sounds of your moans and gasps. His hands grip your thighs, holding you firm while his mouth works magic, making you moan obscenely.
“You taste so good... Better than I ever imagined.” He lifts his gaze, meeting your eyes. The raw hunger in his expression takes your breath away.
You want to speak, but your mind is a jumbles mess, unable to form a coherent word.
“You're driving me crazy, doll. I want to devour you, to make you mine in every way possible.”
And then he does. He dives in, his mouth devouring you in a frenzy of passion determined to bring you closer to the edge.
Your gasps turn into cries of pleasure, your body writhing under his skilful mouth. Bucky's hands grip your hips, holding you steady as he brings you closer to your climax.
The world seems to spin around you, your senses overwhelmed by the pleasure Bucky is giving you. He's relentless, pushing you higher and higher, determined to give you more than you ever dreamed of.
His tongue works relentlessly, applying just the right amount of pressure to drive you wild. Your fingers dig into his shoulders, nails biting into his flesh, anchoring you on the ground.
Just as your were about to come, Bucky suddenly pulls away, his breath ragged, his eyes dark with desire. He climbs to his feet, pinning you against the wall once again
“I need to be inside you... Now.”
He's barely able to get the words out, his voice thick with need. He captures your mouth in a fierce kiss, his hands already pushing your skirt up around your waist.
His body presses against yours, the hard length of him rubbing against your core. You can feel the heat and strength of him, the evidence of his desire poking you.
“I need you, need this... I need you now..” He repeats the words like a mantra, his lips trailing along your jaw, your neck, your ear.
He pulls you around, turning you to face the wall once again. You feel the cool surface against your skin, a stark contrast to the heat of his body behind you.
“I'm not going to be gentle.” He warns, his hands gripping your hips, pulling them back against him.
You feel him against you, hard and eager, his breath coming in ragged gasps. His hips move against yours, and you can feel just how much he wants you, how badly he needs you.
“Can you take it? Can you handle me like this?” He asks, one hand traveling up your spine, his fingers tracing the line of your vertebrae. His touch is demanding, possessive, but somehow still tender, as if he's afraid he'll hurt you.
You manage to nod, too far gone with pleasure to form words. Bucky lets out a low, satisfied sound, his mouth nipping at your shoulder as his hand slides around to your front.
He cups your breast, his thumb grazing over your nipple, teasing and provoking.
“I'm going to take you, right here, just like this.” He growls, his hips pressing against yours.
You can feel him against you, his body poised and ready, the tip of his cock, teasing your entrance. “Are you ready for me?” He asks, his lips against your ear, his breath hot and urgent.
You can only manage a small, breathless moan in response, your body yearning for him to take you, to make you his own.
“I need to hear you say it. Tell me you want me... That you need me...” His words are a needy, almost desperate plea, his self-control hanging by a thread.
You find your voice, forcing the words out despite the overwhelming pleasure coursing through you. “I want you... I need you... Please...”
“That's all I needed to hear.” The words are a rough, guttural grunt, the last vestiges of his restraint snapping. He positions himself behind you, the head of him rubbing against your entrance.
His hands grip your hips again, holding you in place. He's so close, so very close... But still, he waits, wanting to make sure you're ready for the next step.
“Just tell me if it's too much, okay? If I go too far, I want to know.” He whispers the words, his voice betraying a hint of vulnerability, a hint of doubt, despite the powerful, animalistic way he's holding you.
You nod, your body thrumming with anticipation. You trust him, trust him not to hurt you, and that trust makes all the difference. You push back against him, signaling your readiness in the most primal way possible.
He lets out a low, gravelly moan, his body trembling with the effort of holding back. He needs this as much as you do, maybe even more. “God, I can't wait any longer...”
He pushes forward, slowly, carefully. He's being as gentle as he can be, wanting to give you time to adjust to the intrusion. But it's torture for him, the heat, the tightness, the way you're clenching and squeezing him, enveloping him in a way he's never felt before.
“You're so damn tight... So perfect...” He groans the words, his body moving involuntarily, the pleasure too much to resist. His hands grip your hips tighter, his mouth trailing kisses along your back, your shoulders, your neck. He can't get enough of you, his body moving in a rhythm that's old as time itself.
“You feel so good. I never knew it could be like this.” He mutters the words against your skin, his voice thick with ecstasy.
He picks up the pace, his body moving more urgently now, following the pull of pleasure that's driving him onward. His hands are everywhere, caressing and touching, worshiping every inch of you like a man possessed.
“I could stay inside you forever. I never want to let you go.” He murmurs the words into your ear, his voice ragged and broken. He's lost in the moment, in the pleasure, in you.
You reach a hand back, tangling your fingers into his hair, holding onto him like an anchor in the storm. All the rights and wrongs, thrown out of the window.
“Don't let go... Don't ever let go.” He whispers, his lips finding your neck, the skin there already tender from his earlier attentions. His movements become rougher, more frenzied, as if he's desperate to get even closer to you, to merge himself with you in every way possible.
“I need you... I need you so damn much...” The words are a broken chant, gasped into your ear, his breath hot and ragged against your skin.
He's moving even faster now, the sounds of skin slapping against skin filling the air, the only break in the silence apart from your moans and gasps. The pleasure is building, growing stronger and stronger with every thrust, threatening to consume you both. You can feel yourself close to the edge, teetering on the very precipice of ecstasy. Bucky knows it too, he can sense it, sense the mounting tension in your body.
“You're close... I can feel it. I'm so close...” He growls the words, his voice tight with the effort to hold back, to keep control for just a little while longer.
“I want to hear you say it... I want you to let go... Tell me you're mine.” His voice is harsh and ragged, his body trembling with the effort of holding back his release.
You struggle to find the words, to form a coherent thought amidst the haze of pleasure. “Y-yours.. I'm... Yours...”
The words send a wave of pleasure through Bucky, his hips twitching involuntarily at the sound of your surrender. “Say it again... I need to hear it again…”
“Yours... I'm yours, Bucky... All yours...” You gasp the words, your voice quivering with the force of your ecstasy.
That's all it takes. Your surrender, your declaration of ownership, it breaks the dam that's been holding him back. “Mine... You're mine... All mine...” He repeats the words like a mantra, his body moving with a new fervor, a new intensity.
“Steve won’t take care of you like I can.” He thrust, “All I have to do is…” he hits you with another powerful thrust, messing up with your senses. “Make a sad face and remind him of my past!” He hits another powerful thrust, and the voice you make is between a cry and a moan. “He will happily give you to me!”
He buries his face in your neck, his lips finding that sensitive spot just below your ear. When he speaks again, his voice is a possessive, guttural growl, thick with desire. “And don't you ever forget it.”
His lips find yours again, claiming your mouth in a kiss that's hard and demanding. He's drowning in you, in this moment, the world around you reduced to nothing but the heat and the friction and the pleasure.
He's close, so close, but he won't give in, won't let go until he's brought you to your release, until he's given you everything he can give.
“Come for me, doll... Let go... Give yourself to me... I want to feel it, feel you...” His words are a rough, ragged plea, a demand made out of pure need. He's holding back, waiting for you to reach your peak, his body taut and trembling with the effort to hold back his own pleasure.
You can feel yourself teetering on the edge, balanced between light and dark, pleasure and pain, sanity and madness.
“Let go... Just let go... I've got you...” The words, the promise, they're enough to push you over the edge. You shatter, your body arching against his, a cry of ecstasy tears from your lungs. The world spins around you, your release crashing through you like a tsunami, leaving you breathless and trembling.
Bucky's there, holding you against him, his arms wrapping around, holding you up, keeping you from collapse. He's still hard inside you, so close to his own climax.
“God, you're so perfect... I've never experienced anything like this before...” His voice is gruff and broken, his breath hot against your neck as he pulls you flush against him. He lets out a low, guttural moan, his body trembling with need and restraint. “I need you.... I need to let go... you will let me come in you, won’t you? You will be a good girl for me, right doll?”
You nod, your body still thrumming with pleasure as you push back against him, signaling your absent-minded consent.
“You're going to be the death of me, woman...” His words are a rough whisper, a promise and a threat all at once. His grip tightens around you, his body tense and coiled like a spring. “Just a little more... just a little longer... I need to give you everything...”
He buries his face in your hair, his breath coming in jagged pants now, his body taut and trembling with the effort to hold back just a little longer.
“Almost there.... almost... I'm so close...” The words are a ragged gasp.
He let out a low, guttural groan, his body tensing against yours, his arms pulling you tight against him. “God, I... I can't... I'm...” he doesn't finish the sentence. Instead, he buries his face in your hair, muffling his moan against your shoulder as his body tightens and spasms, his release washing over him like a tide, powerful and consuming.
He holds you close as he comes down, his body trembling with the aftershocks, his breath warm against your skin. “God... that was... incredible...” The words are a rough whisper, his voice thick with emotion. He presses a tender kiss to your shoulder, his lips lingering against your skin, as if he can't bear to let you go for even a moment.
He tightens his arms around you, pulling you flush against him, as if he can't bear to have you any further than an inch away from him. “You're amazing, you know that?”
He nuzzles your neck, his lips leaving tender kisses along the sensitive skin there. He's so gentle, so different from the rough, desperate man who'd been consumed by need a few moments ago. As he sees his release dripping from between your legs, his eyes darken, making him feel more possessive about you.
“Mine...” He mutters the word against your skin, his voice thick with possessiveness. He knows it's probably a bit irrational, but he can't help it. He needs to express his claim over you, his desire to protect and own you in every way imaginable.
He then moves his fingers on your thigh, collecting some of his release on his fingers, bringing them closer to your mouth, a silent order.
You know what he wants, what he's demanding, even if he doesn't say the words aloud. Your eyes meet his, holding his gaze, as you slowly bring your hand up to wrap around his wrist, drawing his fingers into your mouth.
“Good girl…” He murmurs the words as he watches you, his eyes darkened by a possessive, primal need. He loves how submissive you are in this moment, how willing and eager you are to please him.
He holds your chin, his fingers tracing the outline of your lips, feeling the glide of his own release against them. “You have no idea what you do to me, doll. You make me lose all control. And I love it…”
He leans in, capturing your lips in a kiss that's equal parts tender and possessive. He can taste himself on your lips, and the thought just makes him want you more, more fiercely than before.
He pulls back enough to rest his forehead against yours, his breath coming faster now, his body stirring once more. “I swear, doll, you're going to be the death of me...”
He captures your lips again, kissing you deeply, his tongue delving into your mouth, tasting you, claiming you, marking you as his in every way he can think of.
Little do you know, about the real possessiveness he feels about you. Bucky is already planning to take you far away from everyone. To keep you all to himself. While you are already lost in the kiss and afterglow of the sex, Bucky is already planning about the future.
He kisses you again, with a fierce intensity, his hands roaming over your body, as if he's trying to memorize every inch of you. He's thinking of all the ways he wants to have you, all the ways he wants to make you his. He's already made up his mind. You're not just a passing fancy, or a distraction. You're his now, and he's not going to let you go. Not ever.
He then sits on the couch with you, while you rest in his arms, he picks out his phone preparing to take you away. He types out a quick message, his hands still caressing your skin, his eyes never leaving your face.
He's arranging for a secure location, somewhere remote, somewhere he can keep you safe and, more importantly, all to himself.
“My doll.”
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hey! before I begin, I wanted to say how much I love your comics!! the style and palettes are really soothing, and it's always nice to read them, relate heavily, and not feel quite such an oddball!! so thanks :]
I (very recently) received the results of my diagnosis for autism and adhd (I got both, and a couple other smaller things) and was wondering what things you did differently immediately after diagnosis that helped you? I've tried things like proper organisation and cleaning, keeping on top of deadlines for college as much as I am able, and trying to study as much as I can (a levels are very stressful even though I've only just started the course, and while these solutions are what's considered "good" by the college, its not really helping me as much as I would like)
a large part of the diagnosis was dedicated to brain function (I had the privelidge of being assessed privately, so the evidence was very detailed and thorough), and I scored stupidly high on vocabulary and language study. However, I feel like there's somewhat of a disconnect between the effort I've put in on my foreign language studies and the progress I'm seeing- I'm trying so so hard to understand grammatical concepts and absorb a lot of vocabulary in preparation for some smaller tests in the near future, but I'm not seeing the reward during lessons or even with preparation. I am fully aware that with all the work and effort I'm spending, I am closer than I would like to be to a meltdown and probably burnout, which I desperately want to avoid. It just feels that although my brain is wired for linguistic study, I feel like I'm falling behind or failing
I guess if you have any advice or anything that helped you once your diagnosis was confirmed, or tips for study, I would be greatly appreciative :]
Tldr: struggling with study and fearful of failure, any advice?
hnng I remember the stress of A levels, you couldn't pay me to go through that again 🫠
After being diagnosed I started to allow myself to unmask and stim in more obvious ways. Previously my stims had generally been pretty small, like flicking my fingers or wiggling a bit, but now I allow myself to flap and rock and play with fidget toys as well and it genuinely does help release tension.
It sounds like your're working really hard - if you feel close to burnout and/or meltdowns, you might be working too hard. I also found it really hard to take breaks when I was studying (...still do) but the truth is, by not allowing your mind to rest, you're actually making it harder for yourself to learn and retain information.
So my advice is, take a break! A real break, not 'I'm gonna scroll on my phone for a bit' or 'I went to the toilet that counts as a break right'. Get up, step away from your work for at least an hour, and do something you find relaxing and fun. Go for a walk or just sit outside. Make yourself a drink. Take a nap if you need to. Try to avoid looking at screens during your break if you can. And when you go back to studying, schedule times to have regular short breaks as well (eg a 10 minute break every hour). I set alarms for mine because otherwise I forget to move for five hours.
A break allows your brain to process the information and let it settle properly. When you go back to work you'll hopefully feel more refreshed and able to take in information again. Remember, if you've just started the course, then this is a marathon, not a sprint, so please try not to overdo it and burn yourself out right at the start. Conserve your energy for the long haul.
If you're still struggling, are you able to ask for help, maybe from a friend or a teacher? A teacher could give you some techniques on how to improve in the specific areas you find difficult, and sometimes just talking through the bit you're having trouble with or not understanding can help a lot.
Good luck with your studies and I hope you take some time to rest as well :)
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How do you draw so frequently???
I'm starting to think I probably have some passive ADHD so I end up always admiring ppl who can just constantly do stuff, it's like a dream, your art is also like a dream, Vasco is also a sweet dream, I really like Vasco, he looks really sweet
I set aside a little bit of time every evening just to draw, it's become almost like a wind down routine for me. It helps if I don't treat it as serious 100% effort hard mode art time, I usually multitask a little on the side, watch a movie or take breaks to do little chores around the house and art just sort of happens if it happens. Lately I've been making mostly personal low pressure feel-good pieces.
#this isn't really normal for me either I'm typically way WAY more shiftless#I've been unusually productive during these past few months but I may slow down sooner or later#drawing Vasco/Machete stuff is nice it gives me some badly needed serotonin and results in this positive feedback loop#so I keep making more#I also switched to different antidepressants earlier this year and I'm thinking maybe they have something to do with it#perhaps they reconnected some wires in my brain and suddenly drawing became a lot easier and more enjoyable who's to say#I'm just trying to make the most out of this creative period while it lasts#answered#anonymous#own characters#Vasco
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uh. yeah i have no excuse i just couldn't decide between scribblin' up a monster or Home so i fused the two. monster home for No concrete reason!
#splintery wood ribs and uhhhhh Brick Hooves and Wires!#ngl this was slightly inspired by hell pigs? obviously has Deviated from that image but yk#in my mind they have a large living space inside#complete with a lil window hatch for wally to say hi to his friends#so they're still Technically a functioning house! just with legs! and. uh. skin? kinda?#idk! to me the 'skin' isnt actual skin. it feels oily but Isnt#again! In! My! Mind!#my brain will take anything and run with it and oh boy is it sprinting#i could have given home hands. i could have. but i didnt <3#imagine this freight train of a beast running ya down! i think i'd enjoy it!#scribble salad#i dont know what the 'fur' is. its definitely not fur i think...#maybe it should be wires? tentacles? hay?#eh it doesnt really matter! i doubt ill ever draw this Beast again#monster scribblin is a fun way to cool down And warm up!
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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>makes a big blog decision >satisfied a few days later: >thinks about making anothe—
#ooc.#i know i literally. just went private. but my brain is on its 'make geto his own blog' bs again#'raine wont that make your problems worse' yes but also no?? i feel like. just separating them would be an easy way to not worry about#crossing wires... it would probably mean the activity on the multi drops but i feel like. thats probably ok.#& would 100% leave the multi private i think thats the best decision for it#BUT. H. maybe ill make a poll later since the worry is annoying the two separate communities/audiences#will get back to this after marinating on it at work. but any thoughts/advice are welcome ofc
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ok the thing which fucked me up the most with mouthwashing is anya and how giving curly his painkillers triggers her so much. because of my extremely personal issue problems.
#this will sound insane but. it made me think of my grandma.#i have really intense issues with infantilization because of some weird wires that got crossed in my brain when i was little#yaknow. when you're a kid and you don't know what sexuality is and why certain things feel good.#of course this has not effected my psyche in any way! (sarcasm.)#seeing someone i love and always took as a granted fact of my existence slowly losing her autonomy due to dementia and regressing#i can't fucking stand it when my parents make infantilizing jokes at her expense. everything is just a normal fact of life of course#you'll lose control of your bladder. your eating habits will become strange. you'll lose what little filter you had#and of course everything will feel like an imposition if you can't remember agreeing to something#but still. i know it's something which shouldn't upset me. frankly it's maybe kinda ableist.#but those crossed wires in my brain makes certain things feel like an attack. both on her and on me by proxy#sorry i'm insane. wow i wonder why i developed the problems i'm having now! the seeds were never there (sarcasm again).
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...
#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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The thing about my brain constantly narrating my actions and my creative processes and that sometimes I'll just think something completely out of left field and I just gotta sit with that
#sorry sorry drawing something and I was think about how I would feasibly structure parts in a robot body#and Idrk why and where I got this from but I always think the hardrive should be a center piece#like I always describe hardrives as the heart and brain of a computer so I place it. where the heart would be#but I don't really think about how it would be protected it's just kinda. There amount the wires#and like. idk I've had a few too many thoughts about someone holding my heart and like. there's something about it man#like the amount of trust you'd have to put into a person to do that. Completely unfeasible fantasy yeah#But I think I'm making that feasible with the way I think about robot internals because there isn't like. an equivalent of a ribcage#so like ough....that type of thing is feasible to do to them#sorry sorry#I think this is gonna change people's opinions on me maybe now that I've in-tag mentioned that I think about people holding my heart yeag#I think it'd be pretty epic if it was feasible yeag#Android.txt
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uh ohhhhhh getting all in my head again aha
#ok so even if im right what does that change#everything but ok ok. i can always just kms to atone for my sins <333#(<-normal coping mechanism with Not Being Able To Deal With The Kind Of Person You Are)#no no ok no kmsing but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bruh i thunk my brain is like. not built right#like what if thats not actually bpd. what if it IS npd after all and ive just#manipulated her into giving me the More Easily Palatable Diagnosis that allows#me (and some goodwilling others) to view myself as a victim instead of just an unsalvageable fucking monster lol#this is NOT the kind of problems i imagined myself having in my 20s#dunno why im losing my mind about rn in the middle of all this silly tumblr shenanigans but#i think my therapist is wrong. she keeps talking shit about trauma and abuse but this isnot#not right. I HAVENT HAD any truly traumating experiences. like divorced parents are normal it doesn't usually do THAT to people. that is NOT#trauma lol SA ok ig but i dont even like. think about it at all and it wasn't even actua fucking rape so like. MAYBE i could blame some#some of myunhealthy#kinks on it but thats literallyit#like me being the way i am really doesnt stem from me being a victim of abuse or anything#like there's no one to blame except for myself there is just something in me thats inherently lacking and it's driving me crazy#it's like im in a constant battle against myself where im forcing myself to feel bad about it because if i allow myself to let go#it's over. for me and for everyone i've manipulated into caring about me#it's insane it's genuinely fucking crazy i really feel like im losing my mind Sometimes#and like the worst part is i can't be fucking bothered to even try to change lol cause it's uncomfortable and it puts responsibility on me#and icant deal with that cause im a pussy and a serial quitter lmao#thats not 'fear of abandonment'. that's just being. wrongly wired. inside.#ANYWAY. never fucking mind. normal again uwu
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I RESENT THAT "NO LONGER GIVES A FUCK" STATUS, I DO GIVE A FUCK, MANY FUCKS, TOO MUCH FUCK, WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY I'M HAPPY WITH JETS SUFFERING
Hold on. Ok
The way i see it, Just t *owes* me his suffering for what he did to Zuko and accidentally killing Shen. I'm fragioe with MY babies. Jet is the bastard that hurt them, so i want to see him writhe in pain
After his suffering he can apply to become my dear baby but only if he stops trying to get zuko killed (bc I'm not sure he'll backtrack all his dying progress when he realizes zuko didn't actually die and sokka is still happily with his boyfriend lol). Alternately, even if he's still awful but powerless against zuko, AND he starts the domino effect towards zuko and sokka being able to openly be together? I can forgive his entire existence
So you see, I'm very soft and malleable. I just require a bit of suffering to forgive
-An absolute Fragile Heart
TSK TSK
Jet felt like he was backed into a corner, and you never corner a wild animal. (Yes we could argue he is a human not an animal but Jet doesn’t always live up to the human being standard so wild animal it is)
He reacted from his own trauma and did what he thought was best, no it wasn’t good, but he tried. In all fairness he didn’t think through the fallout of his letter… oh well, you are correct Shen did die & Zuko was delivered almost dead so yeah you’re right.
Oh Jet is suffering haha & will continue to suffer but it’s hard to say what his reaction to Zuko being a live will be lol. We’ll see…. :D
#jet is fun to write#because he just makes the WORST decisions#& yeah I think he means well#I really do#but his brain is so cross wired he has no idea what “meaning well even means#but I think based on his fever dream it’s clear he has regrets#& questions his decisions and the way he lived his life#mostly because the choices he has made has usually lead to people getting hurt or turning their back on him#I think what happened with Reho started it#& then it has trickled down from there#or probably the FF haha#but he blocked that out really well#but after Reho was hurt I think it cracked open Jets defenses so all the hurt started sneaking out#boy has more walls than BSS#(maybe even more than Zuko)#love FHA#still fragile my love#fragile heart anon#liab#ITF#ask
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i need to meet another schizo and see if our neurodivergency clicks the way the other ones click with each other . im Failing at being nd bro
#sometimes i’ll use the term autism because it’s way easier than saying ‘my neurodivergent symptoms resulting from schizoaffective disorder#that align with symptoms of autism’ but im not actually autistic#my brain doesn’t click the way i thought it would with other people#like it does a little but it’s. off#i wonder if that’s because of the wiring or if i’m still just bad at interacting with people#contemplating the human brain and how interconnection works between different divergencies#it’s cool watching the way people interact and learning about their deeper personalities in ways you wouldnt expect#people are fascinating. like legit#the expansiveness in the ways which we can evolve and the ways in which we are preprogrammed#what aspects of ourselves we prioritize and how that allows us to connect with others who prioritize similar things#recreating the behaviors you see around you to try and blend in and understand how that social aspect works is so fun sometimes#that makes me sound insane but blending into different groups requires absorbing different humor and styles of expression and communication#it’s vastly different between some groups#i’d love to study people all the time . maybe i should actually go into psychology#but i dont care about the brain itself rather the person#dear diary
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i know its the adhd that makes habits/consistency/routine hard to stick to but every other aspect of my mental health benefits greatly from these things. in fact the adhd does too it (+depression) is just stronger than everything else when it comes to Not Doing Things
#uwu#i hate ppl who instantly go normal from adderall#like dont get me wrong it helps a LOT#but it doesnt totally get rid of the adhd#and i dont really expect it to bc i know thats just how my brain is wired to some degree no meds can like. magically change that#but so many other adhd'ers will talk about how magical adderall is for them#but its not that way for me -_- maybe a diff stimulant would be better but addies are still one of the most effective meds ive ever had#so im scared to switch in case the other med doesnt work and then i die for like a month before i can go back to adderall#-_- w/e i suppose#i make it work the best i can
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And now ma is in a Mood
#ages ago they booked a rental for everyone to come to the cape in July and now shes worried that my sisters will kill each other#and I'm like they will barely have to spend any time together just a dinner together once or twice maybe and not start a fire#at bedtime! thats all! most of the time we will break up into our own little groups to do activities#she wont have to spend her vacation dealing with their explosions#seriously me and steph and her hubby will go do some kayaking and me and steph will go bikeriding and the bro in laws can chill on the porch#oldest sister can hang with parentals on the beach or can go touristy stuff w her crew#ma and dad can hang with any of us or at their house there and we can come over in various groupings#bro in law can go take nephew to go-karts or oldest sistsr can#i can hang with parentals or on the beach or any groupings of us can go for a walk any time#lunch can be separate as long as we communicate and no one is left lunchless#dinners the same. like we dont Have to do Everything as a whole big group every single day we're there yknow?#but shes unhappy shes annoyed with the two of them but imo it was mostly oldest sister and bro in law#like steph over-reacted once time in a bigger way that was annoying yes. but that could have been allowed to be moved on from#but oldest sister was apparently Too annoyed by it??? and by steph's complaining in general abt small things?? idek#like steph moved on from whayever made her react and have a mini meltdown. but#oldest sister sees Any reactiveness or mini meltdowns from steph as her Not Trying and loses patience#meanwhile i can see the difference like steph has made a lot of progress that i can see#and part of that is she understands WHY she reacts now bc she realized shes adhd and that reactiveness is part of that#like its not something shes deliberately doing wrong. its a way her brain is wired. and she can use methods and tips from her therapist to#manage her reactivity and process it and not react as badly?#like thats a big deal#and oldest sister doesnt care to see the difference and that hurts steph too (hello rsd i understand you)#somehow theyre both different with ME and my reactivity. bc I'm the youngest so 'baby sister' privileges idefk
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OH OKAY I figured it out
#I have a hard time with words and visuals right#despite those being like two of things I’m best at#and it’s because I can’t describe visuals#and I can’t visualize descriptions#like there’s a disconnect somewhere yknow???#anyway#the way people process things is so fascinating to me#because like other than dreams I don’t see pictures in my head#like I can’t even visualize the dream once I’ve woken up#but I also still know exactly what things look like???#like I don’t need to see a couch to know what it looks like#I don’t need to see a circle to know what it looks like#and so during awake hours it’s just pure monologue#there’s only words in my brain#and for other people it’s so different!!!#sometimes people ONLY have pictures and have to translate#and that seems so foreign to me#anyway I also just now made a connection between my inability to do mental math#and my inability to keep track of my thoughts#it’s because I can’t see the numbers and words in my head#I don’t have anywhere to put them#I have to rely on my shit short term memory to do things#and I end up losing my place in things and just…..#the more I learn about the way I work and how I process things#the more I realize that oh hey maybe my brain isn’t quite wired the way it should be#which is just so strange because I know I’m smart and yet my brain is so busted lmao#anyway anyway
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i hate being mentally ill and i especially hate that it's triggered by stress. it's like once things start dogpiling on me my own brain jumps in to join the fun and i'm like ??? stop???
#she bork#last week stressed me out so so bad and work sucks and my brain is like 'you know what? i hope we get sick. i hope we get ridiculously sick#and can't even call off work. i hope we just keep going and things keep getting worse until we break completely.' like okay but why let's#not maybe?#idk i think there's something cathartic about the thought of just snapping and being forced to take the time to recover. there's something#about pushing myself until i just can't anymore. i'm not sure what it is about it that calls me but i've always been that way. but as i get#older i obviously have recognized that it's my fucking mental illness so i try to stay healthy but sometimes it's so fucking hard. esp bc#i've always prided myself on being tough and resilient and being able to go for miles on no gas. which that was true when i was younger (at#least partially bc anxiety kept me wired literally all the time so the nervous energy alone was enough to sustain me) but now that i'm older#and trying to recover from my mental illness and i've been operating that way for years i just can't. and that comes w a feeling of defeat#and even self-contempt but ik it shouldn't. idk i'm both the horse and the whip that cracks at its back help
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