#and maybe Logan and Remus but mostly Roman

[halfgood-halfbad-badboy]

Yknow how some autistic people dont get along because their autism manifests in slightly different ways

That’s Logan and Roman

[boneyspades]

for the sake of Valentine's day, here's some duo SASI headcannons (platonic or romantic (the creativity twins being platonic only cus... yk....))

Logan and Janus play strategy games together whilst drinking wine. they be playing chess and stuff

Virgil and Remus have metal/emo/goth karaoke nights. Remus taught Virgil how to do the metal screamo voice

Patton and Roman have picnics together in the mind palace, they do go to different places but a specific place under a cherry blossom tree next to a pond is Patton's favorite so Roman takes him there the most. it's also his favourite too

Logan and Remus listen to true crime podcasts together. Logan finds them interesting whilst Remus likes the gorey details. Remus sometimes reenact some of the crimes and Logan gets to be the detective.

Janus and Patton go to the pumpkin patch every autumn or Halloween (Halloween is spring here in Australia but I guess that doesn't really apply to this) and they sometimes carve pumpkins and yap

Virgil and Roman have movie nights. they watch tim Burton throughout the night whilst eating popcorn and other snacks. they do this in Roman's bedroom though cus the other sides can't be in Virgil's room for too long

Logan and Patton watch WALL-E together religiously. Logan mostly does it cus 1: he like robots and 2: Patton loves the movie to smithereens and he's all about keeping the heart happy. Patton, whenever walle and eve are on the screen he always goes like "omg it's us :)" and Logan replies with "hm. I suppose they are quite similar to our dynamic"

Janus and Virgil go through forests together. Janus is out there looking for snakes whilst Virgil is out looking for spiders. they don't really talk throughout the journey, except for an occasional "I found a snake, Janus" or a "I found a spider virgil and if you don't hurry I'm gonna eat it" (cus... some snakes eat spiders-) as well as the occasional "my snake/spider could beat your spider/snake"

Roman and Remus have duels every so often. it usually happens like... once a year just to see who's the better brother. sometimes Remus randomly jumps him, catching Roman off guard. he calls it a win but Roman calls it cheating which leads to a "nuh uh" "yuh huh" fight

Logan and Virgil stargaze together. Logan's the one yapping about the constellations whilst Virgil listens. he doesn't mind the sound of Logan's voice. they also listen to Radiohead whilst they do this. I'm dying on this hill. they both listen to Radiohead. fuck U/j

Janus and Remus do crimes together in the mind palace. they're basically Sam and Max freelance police except they are RUNNING FROM the police. they always end up getting a random souvenir from every crime they commit, wether it be a priceless jewel and someones rotting decapitated head.

Roman and Logan go to arcades together. Roman loves them and thought maybe Logan would enjoy them too. they go to one one day and Logan seemed to enjoy the strategic elements to it... so... he enjoyed it. it's then decided that every so often they go to the arcade and get some crofters for the way back

Patton and Virgil play videogames together. they have a whole fuckin bowl of snacks and they play nostalgic games.. like old GameCube, PlayStation, PlayStation 2, Wii, NES etc. Virgil always picks the horror games whilst Patton always picked the chill games. they'd either play coop or take turns

Janus and Roman go shopping together. they go to this big mall and ofc they be the BEST DRESSED THERE. they kinda have a little competition to see who gets the best clothes at the end of their hulls. whoever wins pays for lunch or everything in the next shop they like. sometimes they shoplift, the fascist companies don't need the money

Patton and Remus give eachother plushies... well... PATTON gives Remus plushies, Remus gives Patton taxidermy animals and say they're plushies. they like to do make their own for the other, both doing a little build a bear thing where They give it a heart make a wish whatever. Remus... gives it a real beating heart.... Patton can feel it twitch a little from the inside, but is still grateful to get a gift. Remus also doesn't mind the cute plushies Patton gives

[cksirface]

My personal interpretation of the sides on tiktok and what flavor of comments that they leave

(Note: when I say weird people I don’t mean like cringe for interests or to be mean, I mean like deviants of society like those people that treat tiktok like a personal diary with no warning and are like genuinely freakazoids in a BAD WAY..)

Patton: always cooking videos but not the weird ones and he just scrolls when he sees those. Occasionally he’ll get art on there and his usual comment is “you know what, heaven yeah!” Like he definitely isn’t the type to leave hate comments or anything or he’ll leave genuine advice!

Roman: Musical theater. So much. Too much to count. There’s so much. He makes obscure references whenever he can to musicals in comments as well as Disney movies and usually doesn’t say much else. When something weird does come up he would be the type to just ignore it or if it’s like REPREHENSIBLE then he’ll go like “erm…” or “queen that isn’t normal actually” “maybe this is a sign?” “And the crowd!… the crowd is leaving”

Virgil: definitely a lot of music. Mostly fellow emo or goth and sometimes scene people. He had 50k saved sounds no doubt. He usually doesn’t interact with mainstream tiktok like at all (also probably prefers tumblr and Twitter anyway) but when he sees something weird he’ll just say “ok.” Or “idk leave me alone.”

Logan: Science and space tiktoks though he doesn’t use it much on the for you page and prefers the stem page offered. When he sees weird stuff if he gets mixed up or something then he usually won’t comment but if he’s in a really bad mood he’ll comment similar to Virgil with the “i don’t know.” Or “why is this on my for you page, this is not for me.”

Janus: gets those bullshit psychology videos on his fyp often and they make him laugh so hard because he knows it’s all stupid and fake. He does not hold back at all and regularly engaged with the weird tiktoks and the odd people because he thinks it’s funny “on my cellular device?” Or “nurse, it’s out again…”

Remus: gets almost solely brainrot content and cryptic videos in other languages. Every time he sees a Russian watermelon video on his fyp he immediately saves it and then sends it to Janus (and sometimes Patton and the poor guy just responds “that sure is a lot of watermelons! 🍉😄”) he is the type to comment things that feed into people’s delusions definitely. “Yes queen, go get him he’s in love!” Or weird things “I did this and I got stabbed sixty seven times in the chest!!!”

[not-your-average-highschool-au]

✨Dynamics✨

Okay so👏 Character dynamics at the “start/beginning” of the au:

Patton, Logan, and Roman are a tiny best friend group. They don’t really have many friends outside of this group since Roman finds it hard to mesh well with people, Patton finds it hard to even talk to new people, and not many people appreciate Logan and his fandom talks. So they don’t have too many friends outside the group but they don’t mind.

Remus and Janus are super close. They’re the best of friends and constantly are spending time together, only not being seen together when they’re off doing their respective school activities (ex: Janus’s practices, Remus’s academic activities, etc). Aside from that, they’re basically attached at the hip.

Virgil is apart of a completely separate friend group and is kinda detached from everyone at first. Since he’s super popular, he’s got a huge friend group and they’re who he mostly hangs out with. However, he knows of the other sides and they know of him.

In terms of groups crossing paths with each other (idk how else to word it lol); Patton, Logan, and Roman do end up hanging out with Janus and Remus since… you know, Roman and Remus are brothers. Since Janus and Remus are older though, they kinda lovingly make fun of/tease the group. They don’t think badly of them but they still tease them a bit. Logan and Patton don’t really mind but it really can get under Roman’s skin for sure.

With Virgil, Janus and Remus respect him due to how popular he is and they do sometimes hang out when the opportunity arises. As for Patton, Roman, and Logan, the dynamic with Virgil is a tad different for each pair individually.

With Virgil and Patton, they both had a mutual respect for each other. Patton admires how kind Virgil is to him and others while Virgil thinks that Patton is super cool (he’s a huge fan of Patton’s aesthetic). Currently working on a drawing to show off a bit of this dynamic so keep an eye on for that haha

With Virgil and Roman, Virgil thinks Roman’s pretty cool but Roman can’t really stand Virgil. Roman doesn’t hate him exactly but he is a little annoyed whenever he shows up. Roman can’t really explain why he has this kinda distain towards Virgil. Maybe it’s cause deep down, Roman’s a bit jealous of how popular Virgil is; idk👀

With Virgil and Logan, there’s also a kinda mutual respect. It’s not in the same way as Patton and Virgil though; it’s a bit more of a muted and chill respect, if that makes sense. Logan thinks that Virgil’s generally pretty cool and has more of a neutral, positive leaning feeling towards him. Virgil feels a similar way towards Logan; he admires how open he is about his interests but he doesn’t really admire it as much as he admires Patton.

Anyways, I think that’s everyone!! Thanks for reading!

[v3ddirast4r]

I just imagined the Sides playing Stardew Valley, and I have no regrets for what I say.

————————————

Here’s what I think each of them would do:

Logan would probably be playing the game either like a speed run, or just think of profit. He would avoid the dateable NPCs like the plague and barely grow relationships with anyone. He would be only thinking about the tasks and nothing more. Oh, he’s also definitely finish the community center the quickest out of the other sides. He also has the most organized farm, and he’d only go to the festivals where he knows he can get something out of it, like the strawberry seeds from the egg hunt festival. He also would either sleep too early, or pass out at 2:00 AM. No in between.

Patton would be friends with everyone, have full hearts with them all, and would either marry Harvey or Elliott, mostly cus they fit his type. (Cough cough Janus/Logan) The kids would love him, he’d be full hearts with all the animals in the pen, and it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to not see him without the golden retriever dog. Or the white cat because this is the only game where he can have a car and not be allergic to them. Also, he would avoid the mines like a plague and do all the help wanted requests even if he didn’t have the items right away. I can also see him having a not too organized farm, where 90% of that farm will be saved for animals or be a hot mess, and the 10% just having farmland that’s decently neat after Logan taught him what it could look like for maximum efficiency.

Roman would DEFINITELY have 6 saves with each of the dateable men married on each one. His farm would be AESTHETIC AS HELL with either a shed or a cabin decorated like crazy. He would be in the skull caverns or mines just killing monsters, and he’d be besties with all the female NPCs. He’d be gravitated towards Elliott or Sebastian, and probably join the save with Shane less but would still go because he’d be like “I can FIX HIM!!” Even tho after marriage he goes RIGHT BACK TO SQUARE ONE WITH THIS MAN. After all of that, he’d probably finish the community center after like… maybe year 3 or 4?? And I’m being generous here.

Virgil would choose the Spooky farm, and would ONLY start actively socializing in fall. Only because of the Halloween season. He would avoid all of the NPCs like the plague, and barely want to go to Pierre’s because of social interaction to buy seeds. He’d probably be friends with Abigail and Sebastian, and would definitely develop a crush on either Sam or Alex after maybe year 2- He would also be SUPER anxious about the tasks, sometimes to the point he’d never do them. He’d only go outside to either be in the mines, or on a rainy day. He may also call Elliott a knock off version of Roman, and definitely would say Harvey is Logan. And he would choose any of the cats, but definitely the black one.

Janus would probably say he wouldn’t bother, but would secretly play it for hours after everyone’s gone asleep. His farm would be a mix of Roman’s and Logan’s, with it leaning more towards the Logan side. He would probably call very NPC a knockoff of each of the sides, saying Linus is the closest to Remus but would more so compare him to any hostile mob instead like a slime. He would probably marry either Elliott or Alex, and would probably try to divorce them soon after marriage. He DEFINITELY would cheat his way through occasionally, only to get a loved gift by an NPC, or would get himself extra buffs if he was too lazy. Shit, he’d probably start with the cheats just cus he’d say something like “The start of the game is too slow” or something like that.

Remus…. Oh boy. He would use cheats but use it to get bombs, and explode everything. He also would drink mayo infront of all the NPCs, and gift each of them trash cus he can. He would dig in the trash every single day, and would chop down all the trees. He’d constantly pass out at 2:00 AM, pretty sure he’d be at the Saloon 60% of the time, and would probably romance Sebastian and would make Elliott hate him cus yknow.. he reminds him of Roman.

Y’all can pick the farms they’d most likely pick, but I know Logan would choose the standard farm, Patton would choose the group farm so he could play with the other sides, Roman would maybe choose the meadowlands for the aesthetic, Virgil would choose the Spooky farm, as well as Remus, and Janus would prolly pick the hilltop or forest farm just to say he can be away from everyone.

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

feel free to discard if this doesn't strike your fancy:

what would an AU of ping verse where LMP start out as villains and ADR start out as heroes look like? how would things have to change in order to make that happen, and would it still end the same way?

just spitballing but i think theres some angles i could take here

Logan is easiest - his first instinct is always to shut off and stoicly handle everything himself, but if he'd had even one moment of weakness long enough to tell Rémy what Hammond had done 1. Hammond would have been blackmailed into the underworld and 2. Sandman would have acquired a shiny new star powered partner

Virgil is next easiest to switch, if his parents had paid even a marginal amount of attention to him after dropping him off with the Peacekeepers, and especially if they'd permitted him to talk to zoe, he definitely would have gone the route of "if im just Completely Perfect All The Time they will Love Me." in this scenario i assure you Zoe is constantly talking shit about the peacekeepers to his face and he's stubbornly sticking his fingers in his ears

The think about Janus is that "society is terrible, let me fix it" is that it can be very easy to fall into the trap of "people are terrible, let me fix them." it wouldnt have taken much more than one decently-nice handler to radicalize janus in the direction of authoritarianism instead of the other direction

the other three i have more trouble seeing flipped - Roman maybe, if upon being thrust into actual keeping/combat and being harshly confronted with the reality of the violence he was inflicting on other anomalous people knocked his head a bit

Patton's hard mostly because i cant see him doing anything other than what he did - maybe if Morgan had lived, and he'd come to resent the peacekeepers enough, but its also hard to see what his angle would be as a supervillain

and by far the least likely switch i could see is remus. i cant think of anything the peacekeepers could have done to engender loyalty from him to be honest, and he's got far too much of a chip on his shoulder to go along with them anyway like patton and logan

[thatonelesbianfander]

Rating Every Single Sanders Sides Ship Because I'm Bored

I'm bored so I'm gonna rate every single Sanders Sides ship

Little disclaimer: I am not including any poly ships for now because i don't want this to be too long. These are just the character x character ships.

Ratings under cutoff.

Demus/Dukeceit (RexJ)- 10/10. Favorite ship of all time. Great dynamic, great characters, love it. I am their #1 fan and defender.

Logince (RoxL)- 9/10. Second favorite Sanders Sides ship. Started shipping it ironically after my Logan and Roman YouTooz plushies arrived together, but now I just like it. It's nice.

Moxiety (PxV)- 6/10. Honestly, my opinion about this one changes every day, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't care about it, and sometimes I dislike it. The dynamic is very nice, but I honestly just think they're better as friends instead.

Prinxiety (RoxV)- 8/10. A classic, one of the first three that I shipped when entering the fandom. Maybe a little overrated, but still a good one.

Logicality (PxL)- 7/10. Pretty good, one of the first three that I shipped, but was the one I paid the least attention to. Very cute and wholesome dynamic, just didn't catch my eye as much as Prinxiety and Demus/Dukeceit.

Analogical (LxV)- 7/10. Very nice dynamic. Their interaction at the end of My Negative Thinking will always be one of my favorite non-Remus moments. I do care for Logince a little bit more but this is still a very nice one.

Royality RoxP)- 8/10. Once again, very nice, wholesome dynamic. Also, pretty underrated in terms of the core side ships, don't see quite enough love for this one.

Loceit (LxJ)- 6/10. Honestly, I don't really see this one that much while scrolling, but it does have potential and I can see why people would like it. Especially after the orange Logan reveal.

Roceit (RoxL)- 7/10. Toxic yaoi at it's fullest potential. Great angst. Don't care for it as much as Demus/Dukeceit, but it's still great and sometimes I don't mind indulging in it.

Moceit (PxJ)- 7/10. A pretty unpopular ship at first that really started to gain momentum after POF, and I can see why. The dynamic certainly has charm. I am very bias towards Demus/Dukeceit because of my autism latching onto it, but sometimes I don't really mind indulging in it much like with Roceit.

Anxceit (VxJ)- 5/10. Honestly, I kind of see them more as family than as lovers, but that's my own opinion. I don't have any strong feelings towards this ship in either ways. Don't hate it, don't love it, mostly neutral.

Intrulogical (LxRe)- 7/10. Also a pretty unpopular ship at first that started to gain momentum after a singular episode (WTIT). I can see why people would like it. These two would definitely do a bunch of crazy wacky experiments together and cause general mayhem. I honestly see them more as friends, but the ship is great and my main go to for angst with Demus/Dukeceit.

Intruality (RexP)- 7/10. Very underrated and wholesome. I love the dynamic of sweet soft guy and crazy guy together. Do think they would work out better as friends, but I do adore the dynamic either way. The ship is also a little ruined because of a fanfic I once read where Patton (completely out of character) did unspeakable things to Remus, but it didn't really affect my overall view of the dynamic.

Dukexiety (RexV)- 2/10. For some reason, I have an insane hatred of this ship. I have no fucking clue why??? The dynamic is nice, the two have really similar aesthetics to each other, I just don't like it. I think it might be because I got baited with it while I was reading a Demus fic where, out of nowhere, Remus cheated on Janus with Virgil, but I have no fucking clue if that's right, or if I'm misremembering. Still, very nice dynamic though.

RemRom (RexRo)- No. Just no. Get it away from me. Out of all the other ships in this fandom, you choose to ship this, wtf. -infinity/infinity. Get out of my sight.

Karrot Kings (NxT)- 10/10. One of my favorites. Their dynamic with each other is SO GODDAMN GOOD, I love it. Please let them be canon, C!Thomas needs happiness in his life.

Thomas x any side- 1/10. Gonna group all the Thomas x side ships together because I have the same feelings about them overall. I don't really like any of these ships. I kind of think they're weird since it's basically selfcest. Like, all the Sanders Sides ships (that don't include Nico) are all technically selfcest, but at the same time, they're technically not since the sides are both their own people and a part of Thomas. You can suspend your disbelief for the side x side ships because the sides are all their distinct character with their own thoughts and feelings, but the same thing isn't really possible for the Thomas ships. If I had to pick one to ship for the rest of time, I would probably go with Thomas and Janus since that's the one I see the most for some reason. I don't really know. Pretty good on paper, not really good in practice, overall an improvement over RemRom.

Nico x any side- 3/10. Gonna also group all the Nico x side ships together. I honestly don't see any love for any of the Nico x side ships, which is pretty sad. Their dynamics have so much potential and make a little bit more sense than the Thomas x side ships. They also have a lot of angst potential especially when paired with one sided Karrot Kings. Like, imagine if the person you have feelings for tells you one day that they only love one part of you instead of you as a whole. Fucking brutal. If I had to pick one, I'd say that Roman and Nico, but I do like that more as a family dynamic along with Karrot Kings and Creativitwins found family, so maybe Virgil and Nico would be better? I don't really know. Pretty nice, but Nico does have more of a dynamic with Thomas than with the sides.

[dndeceit]

Meta post for the fic Accidental Noodle Acquisition...

(and also some headcanons about the mindscape, but read that first or you might be confused)

This fic was originally based on a fic prompt from @monkeythefander, which I initially filled as a one-shot here.

While it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, it was actually pretty important. Because when I first saw the prompt, I'd been waffling about whether or not to join the Sleepy Bean Cafe event. The deadline for signup was coming up, and I was convinced with my usual pace of writing that it wouldn't be a good idea. I take a long time to write, usually, and I tend to wind up underestimating how much space the story in my head is going to take to get down. But I saw that prompt and I got an idea, and I wrote the one-shot very quickly and I kind of loved it. So it was basically the push I needed to decide to participate in the event, which was probably the best choice I made all year.

(And then all of my fills still wound up being way longer than I thought they'd be, and here I am, coming back to this idea with another 17k words months later, so...take that as you will. I don't regret it one bit, though.)

I worked on this fic alongside my fills for the event as warm-up writing, and it really helped me keep the momentum going.

I kind of ripped off the vampiric snake-baby from another fic I have notes for but haven't yet started writing. The idea of a non-mammalian species feeding their children on their blood was just interesting, and the idea of a baby snek with tiny blood-letting teefies was too cute an image not to use it here...

I also spent way too long trying to figure out how to put a diaper on a baby naga before deciding that not answering that question by instituting an in-universe hand-wave was infinitely funnier and more interesting in a setting where biology and physics are just a suggestion anyway.

I consider this fic to have a thematic link to two other fics of mine: The Wrong Office and Soft Little Lies. There's sort of a loose idea in my head of Janus being a keeper of sorts for misplaced or forgotten things within the mindscape, self-indulgently collecting stray thoughts and figments that bring him joy and hoarding them like dragon's gold. I've debated with myself whether they might even take place in the same universe. If I ever write a sequel to The Wrong Office or if some other idea strikes me, I may explore it further and make that connection final, but for now it's just a nebulous things.

I'm also revisiting The Wrong Office a bit with how the imagination works, and how figments work, and how they're different from sides. The ability that Roman and Remus have to conjure entities within the mindscape is really interesting to me.

I imagine Figment!Valerie is probably just a reflection of Thomas's concept of Real!Valerie, while Figment!Nico in WTIT was mostly spun out of Thomas's insecurities. The puppies Roman conjured for Patton were probably not based off of specific real world dogs or else they probably would have mentioned it (in-universe...in reality they obviously used someone's dogs), so...they're the idea of puppies. But they never got brought up again, so there's no reason to think they were any more persistent than f!Valerie. But the Slasher that Remus also conjures up in WTIT had a very specific appearance, and I imagine they're probably some vague boogeyman that Thomas has had manifest in his fears before. Maybe it was just Logan being unflappable, but his reaction to the Slasher made it seem like this wasn't anything he hadn't seen before.

The sides aren't real, but they aren't not real. Figments aren't as real as sides, but how real are they? Do they exist when they're not being thought of? Here, the answer is "unsually no".

But, like Emile in The Wrong Office, Jake now occupies a sort of middle ground due to the involvement of the sides (and specifically Janus's reign over suspension of disbelief) making them more real than they otherwise would have been.

And yes, I named them Jake after Janus's mini from the Among Us stream. What else was I going to call them? Jake the Snake was too funny.

Writing the phone call scene cracked me up enough to make this post while I was working on it. Because a. I wound up really overthinking it for a bit, b. I love Roman being harmlessly goofed on, and c. I just love Janus when he's being petty.

Do I have Janus forgive Remus too easily for his cock-up? Maybe. But it's my fic, and I hate it when those two don't get along. Janus is still Big Mad, but in the long run it's not going to ruin their friendship.

By the way, I did not imagine this fic was going to be as angsty as it wound up being when I continued writing it (though I'm not sure why, this is a common progression for me). And yet, at every turn, Virgil kept showing up to haunt the narrative surrounding Janus's desire to have something he could keep...

Clearly I have a lot of feelings about Janus, and about Virgil and Janus, and about having and hoarding and losing things.

(And I've had estrangements happen in my family that made me want to shake the people involved for their failure to talk to each other, so maybe there's a bit of that in there too...)

And, once again, my muse offered cookies in return for vague Moceit feels. They have their moment, but at least this time they settled down and stayed focused on the important stuff, because Baby Cute, and as much as I love their budding friendship as a concept, it's Not About Them.

[fandombead]

Sanders Sides human AU where they’re all camp counselors at some backwoods Alphabet soup upstate summer camp—

Camp Sandside

Also locally known as Camp Mindscape

C!Thomas is the newest camp director trying to keep the camp funded and running every year. He advertises and keeps in touch with people who help everything work out each year.

Logan is head of schedule and morning role call. He makes sure camp has an educational side to it, so they have something to take away. He enjoys accompanying on the nature hikes and takes their slightly older campers stargazing. You can find him usually hanging out in the camp archives and he can answer any question about its history.

He coordinates camper activities with Patton, who is the poster child for Campy Dad-Counselor™️. Patton knows every campfire song ever how to make 477 different crafts from sticks and rocks you can find in the forest. He is good at wrangling the kids and making any activity fun so everyone gets included. He’s excited to be there every day. He’s been there the longest and has dappled in every other job as needed.

Remus runs all the sport activities and Roman throws together a little theater group production for the parents at the end of the summer. Both twins help each other out for those activities depending on whose day it is. They also keep up the Canteen and craft workshop. They tell the best campfire stories. (Fun fact: they went to this camp as kids and are working here now during college)

Virgil’s shadowing Patton with first aid as a trainee nurse and handles safety protocols/checks. He’s just stressed out trying to keep everyone alive till the end of the summer. He particularly sticks around at the sport fields, lake, and obstacle course. He barely sleeps and runs on caffeine and spite. He enjoys playing guitar for the kids at campfire time. He makes sure everyone wears sunscreen, is drinking enough water, and that no one wanders off from the group.

And not least of all, Janus, who is the mental health counselor and resolves incident cases between campers. He also is someone the other camp counselors can confide in because the job is draining. He makes sure everyone is taking care of themselves and not doing too much, short-staffed as they are. Camp has run much more smoothly since they added him to their team and everyone is happier for it after getting used to the changes.

They all really enjoy the work and each other. What started as an interesting, versatile summer job that let them hangout together turned into a fun tradition they were quite invested in. Every summer is a memorable one and they look forward to it every year.

I just think it’d be a fun story setting, a series of glimpses at camp life with chapters dedicated to silly or fun happenings at the camp. For some reason all that are coming to me is chapters that sound like history event logs and just imagine it’s because the twins hijacked Logan’s documentation of them and rewrote them with more flair and drama. The Hiking Disaster of 21’. Battle at…Vine Lake (okay maybe not the name but I WILL work Vine in somewhere—maybe that’s the name of the theatre). The Kayak Wars. Surviving the Storm. Bear-ly Active.

(Actually half the chapters will be puns and you’ll know Patton had a hand at assisting the twins’ shenanigans for those retellings~)

Depending on the number of campers, they might also each be head of a cabin and in charge of 3-5 campers specifically on top of everything else that they manage to make good connections with even the most unlikely campers by the end of the summer. (I mostly thought of this just because I wanted an excuse for Logan to be head of the ‘Crofters Cabin’ bwahahaha)

I want Campy adventures!!!

Side notes expanding on the AU bc I have tons of scattered ideas:

I also had the alternative (/prequel? With a few tweaks) idea where some or all of them are campers instead and they meet at the summer camp years before they decide to work there~ ^^

I think that’d be a great story too, where they become lifelong friends in the end and grow to be glad they got sent to this weird old camp for the summer and just have a great time after getting through a few challenges. And they go back every year to see each other again.

Patton calls the campers “saplings” and other nature/tree related nicknames

Their camp shirts have a white star border in black incorporated on the front with the Camp Acronym and everyone styles theirs differently (example: Remus cut the short sleeves off of his)

I imagine they have a rival camp too that every one of them is personally invested in beating yearly, as you do in Camp media. (Alt version where it’s “light” vs “dark” sides camps)

Logan got stuck up a tree once as a kid camper and they still haven’t let him live it down. There’s a photo of it in the archives he keeps trying to get rid of but someone keeps replacing it every year. They call him Pinecone and Lookout 🤣 (Forest Watch)

Janus was someone they never expected to see again. He came to camp in their last years of being campers and joined the group through Remus and Patton. After some getting used to him (Roman and Virgil kept butting heads with him), they were tentatively friends…Roman saved him when he fell in the lake and Janus came in clutch and saved their team at the camp games! they kinda took one step back when he joined as counselor, but they worked it out eventually for good that time~

The twins have a fun rivalry they try to drag their friends into every year…even as counselors now 😂 there’s always some sort of competition going on with them, especially when they start being heads of their own cabins and take pride in their little campers destroying the other teams (but especially each others’)

I think each cabin has a little flag the campers remake every year hanging out front, featuring the animal trait and color of each counselor in charge. Tentative Ideas:

Logan’s Cabin: Team Crofter (of Discovery Cabin). Campers have dark blue bandannas/necklaces

Patton’s Cabin: Team Friendship (of Amity/Compassion Cabin). Campers have light blue bandannas/bracelets

Roman’s Cabin: Team Braveheart (of Ambition Cabin). Campers have red bandannas/necklaces

Remus’s Cabin: Team Chaos (of Endeavor/Spontaneity Cabin). Campers have green bandannas/bracelets

Virgil’s Cabin: Team Storm (of Vigilance Cabin). Campers have purple bandannas/necklaces

Janus’s Cabin: Team Serpent (of Accord/Cunning Cabin). Campers have yellow bandannas/bracelets

They collabed on these name ideas themselves~ The twins’ cabins also relate to one another.

Roman’s theme is having goals and dreams and Remus’s theme is trying ways to reach them, not giving up when it doesn’t work the first time. Together they encourage campers to find something they wanna try that’s new and going for it~

You can probably pair Virgil and Logan’s cabins + Janus and Patton’s in a similar way of their themes relating or balancing each other.

Every year you return to camp, you get a charm to add to your bracelet/necklace (typically all moved to whatever cabin color you are for the current year’s summer). Represents the overall theme of that summer, received at the end.

[where-are-the-spooky-gays-2]

NO NO NO do not let the Spooky Gays kiss!

I mean—absolutely, 100% let them kiss, but NOT LIKE AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY DID

I do NOT need a Dukexiety version of the Ineffable Divorce SPARE ME FROM THIS PLEASE

however.

if Virgil is Aziraphale would Heaven be the "Light" Sides? Roman as Michael, Logan as Gabriel, and… I guess maybe unsympathetic!Patton as the Metatron? (😭nooo) (someone has to be the Metatron though and also manipulative Patton working "for the greater good" go brrr)

and then I guess Janus as Beelzebub… this is not my greatest casting job ever. like, it works fine, but.

hang on I’m redoing it.

FROM THE TOP!

Aziraphale—Patton (they’re both just doing their best and fucking it up a little bit in ways that will irreversibly affect the plot. also repression twins)

Crowley—Janus (snake theme on point)(oh hey look it’s tragic moceit)

Beelzebub—Remus (slimy)(oh he’d be so funny as Eric though??? kill him over and over and it’s unclear how many of him will keep coming back. pathetic and has eyeliner.)

Gabriel—Virgil (for the purposes of the ship, though Logan would also work pretty well as Gabriel)

Michael—Roman (idk why exactly but this would work)

The Metatron—Dragon Witch or Orange or someone who barely exists as a character, so we can still safely dislike The Metatron

Muriel—Logan in a happier timeline. he would also slay as Anathema but the Good Omens fandom is mostly focused on S2 right now.

Honorary mentions!

Nina—Remy (coffee and toxic relationships)

Maggie—Emile (adsfbjcfygl imagine him having a little shop that’s essentially a Blockbuster instead of a record store. (ignore that I don’t really know what a Blockbuster is. he sells cartoons, is the point.) imagine. him with a cartoon shop and a pathetic crush on Remy.)

Thomas—nonexistent. fuck that guy /j it’s not his fault I don’t know how to cast or write him. he’s great. unless anyone really wants to explain Thomas Sanders discourse to me, I will continue to assume he’s just a human being doing his best. he can be the barkeep in Edinburgh or something if he really wants to be. one of the other angels. part of the Shopkeeper’s Association with his friends. who knows.

In summary, don’t make them be Aziraphale and Crowley. but they would be SO GOOD as Aziraphale and Crowley. paralleling Ineffable Divorce with Accepting Anxiety. Aziraphale leaving Crowley for the greater good vs Virgil leaving Remus for (what I assume to be) mainly his personal good. Crowley/Remus = stupid gay sort-of-evil disasters. Virgil would also be good as Crowley but I would be terminally impressed by any fic author that managed to make Remus as Aziraphale make sense.

-🐢

To be fair Ineffable Husbands are A L O T more Moceit coded than Dukexiety but it makes for a fun dynamic for the Spooky Beloveds like the example you gave XD But I absolutely A D O R E that casting I've seen Ineffable Husbands as Moceit but I've never seen those for the others before!!! (Also making The Dragon Witch or Orange The Metatron is so R E A L)

[rosepetalgold]

Not to add angst to a delightfully fluffy little episode but I'm thinking about how the pairings in TSNAND illustrate the current (not good!) state of things in the mindscape and the rampant tension between all the sides. Because really, despite all the possible duos, I think the pairings we got were the only pairings that were feasible so that all six of them got to have an enjoyable day.

Janus and Remus are probably the easiest two to pair off because of the general animosity between them and the others—Virgil clearly doesn't get along with either of them, Roman might maybe tolerate Remus but probably wouldn't have a good time and would definitely rather dropkick Janus out of a window than try to spend a nice day with him, and Logan is presumably still upset at both Janus for yanking him out of POF and Remus for interfering with Thomas' schedule in WTIT. I could see Patton actually getting along mostly fine with Janus, but that would leave Remus without a buddy.

So Remus and Janus it is, which leaves us with the light sides.

And these four bring with them their own set of problems. Roman, for example, could be paired up with Patton, Logan, or Virgil and theoretically any of them should be fine because they're the light sides! They're famILY! They all (mostly) get along! But there's still major unresolved issues between him and Patton from the whole POF debacle, so that leaves Logan and Virgil as potential partners in crime for a fun day. He and Logan would likely have a nice time together considering there's not really any drama between the two at the moment, but that would result in Virgil and Patton being paired up with one another, and from the endcard of WTIT there also seems to be unresolved tension between those two, at least from Virgil's side.

Which just leaves Roman to be paired up with Virgil and Patton with Logan, which obviously is exactly how things worked out in TSNAND.

But my point is that there shouldn't have to be mental gymnastics to figure out how to pair everyone up so that they can all have a nice day; they don't all have to be best friends by any means, but ideally they should all at least get along well enough that randomly mixing and matching everyone would still result in each of them having a good time doing their little activities. That there seems to be One Way and One Way Only to currently pair them up without any major issues speaks volumes about the bigger problems lurking underneath the surface, the sheer amount of tension between all of them, and the untenable strain their relationships with each other are under.

[virgil-isnt-a-lee]

If all the Sanders Sides characters were switches, what percentage of Ler/Lee would you hc them as? (Bonus points if you include Picani and Sleep)

Virgil is pretty easy, I'd give him about 75/25 lee/ler. I 100% see him with a huge lee lean, but don't underestimate him as a ler! C'mon he makes such a good ler, he absolutely plays off the anticipation and shit, and he and Roman get into tkl fights ALL the time, and someone's gotta bring princey down a peg or two, no? As a lee, he's just the cutest little shit ever, definitely tries not to giggle and fails.

Logan, hmm.. maybe 65/35 ler/lee. Definitely ler leaning when he indulges in the playfulness, but he's very methodical as a ler, he does that slight smile as he gets someone's worst spot, definitely. Makes mental notes of their reactions too. But also he gets tickled frequently when he's been working too much (usually by Patton, Roman, or Janus)

Patton is a solid 55/45 ler/lee, like ALMOST an even 50/50, but just slightly more ler leaning. Listen, he loves laughing and making the other sides laugh, even though he is the resident tickle monster and he 100% gets evil tickle monster moods, he always ends up wrecked too, and he loves both very much, but he's morality, and he just slightly loves making the other sides laugh more

Roman is an even 50/50, okay? He may start most of the tickle fights, but let's be so fr, at least half of those he starts because he wants to be tickled and he won't admit it outright. Very playful and teasy ler, probably calls the others princes or some other noble title while tickling them. Definitely curls up into a ball when he's tickled

Janus is like a good 80/20 ler/lee. He's got no problem wrecking the others, though he sometimes feels a little less secure when he's the lee, though he enjoys it occasionally. He usually only lees in three scenarios; Remus is bored and no one else is around, he didn't wreck his lee into being too tired to get revenge, or he really looks like he needs it. Very methodical ler, like Logan, but he's very teasy, unlike Logan (usually)

Remus is like 60/40 ler/lee, like Roman, he starts a lot of tickle fights, but not always because he wants tickles. A lot of things time, he just wants the chaos, the noise and laughter and adrenaline. And the tickles. As a ler, he's teasy but mostly focuses on making the lee laugh as loud as he can (he does know when to stop) as a lee, he is very squirmy but very happy and teasy, laughs really loudly and unrestrained, too.

Now I don't know too much about Emile, but I know enough to say he's probably lee leaning with a super cute laugh, so I'll give him about 70/30 lee/ler, because he and patton definitely have tickle fights.

Remy though, listen I love Remy. He's a solid 75/25 ler/lee. The other sides (really just picani) might try to tickle him out of bed, and it'll wake him up, but he'll just pull him back down into bed and tickle him until he agrees to take a nap with him.

Send me more asks y'all 😭

[sometimes-love-is-enough]

weird question, but- if you were to do a series of unfortunate events au with sanders sides, how would you place characters into different roles? i was just curious since you mentioned in the jantigone annotations that you read lemony snicket (LOVED lemony snicket, childhood memories right there lol) and i was suddenly struck with a stark vision of snicket!janus narrating the ordeals of his dead ex-lover thomas's children and i wanted to know what ideas you might have ^^

What a brilliant question. If I ever wrote an ASOUE crossover, it would mostly likely be canonverse, because that’s the way my brain likes to go with these sort of things! I think c!Thomas would be quite awful at looking after a trio of orphaned children, and possibly even worse at seeing through a Count Olaf disguise, and I think even more fun would be had with setting the whole thing partly at a local theatre. Obviously playing a bit fast and loose with the way the Sides can interact with real people, but don’t I always?

Most things I write, and especially crossovers/fusions, are challenges to myself; i.e., me asking myself, can I write this certain strange thing and make it make sense? And in the case of a lot of the crossovers, the challenge and the fun is taking two different canons, often with different styles and sense of humor, and fusing them together smoothly. And in this case, the most fun bit about a ASOUE/TSS crossover for me would be performing that reconciliation of tone and style smoothly - and I think I could manage that best with canonverse. (If you've ever wondered why I write so many canon fusions, here's your answer.)

BUT if I were to take a route closer to the one you’re probably suggesting here, Janus as the Lemony narrator would indeed be very fun… but I think I’d probably actually lean more to LOGAN as the narrator character, and have Janus be an active VFD member (with the disguises and such). Not sure who is cast as the kids, I swore I’d never write another kidfic after the Matilda AU but I’m bad at keeping promises. I think maybe Remus and Roman as a twin duo would be funky, and if I’m doing that I might genuinely leave it as just the two of them, with the other Sides coming in and out of the narrative as required.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I don’t find straight-up role-replacement AUs terribly interesting to write for the most part; it’s much more fun to try to work out where the canon characters would fit into the universe as they are without trying to fit them into preordained boxes. In this case, I figure Virgil, Patton, Janus, and Thomas (maybe Emile too, why not?) would be Potential Guardians for the twins in this case, all with their own specific problems and Snicketesque Situations to deal with. No idea who the Olaf character would be. The Dragon Witch is always a good standby, I guess? Or maybe Remy? If I wrote this properly I'd put tons of thought into it, this is just me throwing things at the wall.

...That being said, fuckin LOVE Thomas as Janus's Beatrice. If anyone less inclined to weird esoteric crossover stuff than I am ever writes that, please let me know, I'd eat it all the way up.

[hahanamegobrrrr]

If all the Sanders Sides characters were switches, what percentage of Ler/Lee would you hc them as? (Bonus points if you include Picani and Sleep)

ooooo yessss

I feel like Logan would be pretty 50/50, it would really depend on the day or what other people wanted. I think he might not have very many ler/lee moods just unprompted? but if someone asked him to tickle them or asked if they could tickle him, he'd be happy with whatever. if that makes sense?? LOL

Virgil is like 70% Lee and 30% ler. any given tickle mood is likely to be a lee one, but sometimes something will prompt the biggest ler mood ever and no one will be safe WHAHHDA

Roman is also pretty 50/50, I feel like. but he's way more likely to act on his ler moods than his lee ones. he would be really embarrassed about being lee, no matter how many times the others tell him there's no real reason to be

Patton is a super silly ler. maybe 90% ler and 10% lee? his ler moods are often and he acts on them LOL. but if he does have a lee mood he is also not embarrassed at all to find someone willing to help.

Janus would be like, 60% ler and 40% lee. I think he'd be similar to Logan in that he'd be pretty influenced by basically just whatever someone else wanted, but he would also get his own unprompted moods sometimes, and he would have slightly more ler moods than lee.

I don't know if Remus would have lee and ler moods the same way that everyone else would LOL. he would just be out to cause as much chaos as possible, and sometimes that would be by tickling everyone silly. or sometimes he would walk into a room with multiple people in a ler mood and just offer himself, watch as people fight over who gets to tickle him until they realize that they all can LOL. he'd also probably be 50/50 I think.

Picani would be mostly lee, maybe 80% lee 20% ler. he would be so very silly.

Sleep would be a super sassy ler LOL probably like 90% ler, but also sometimes wouldn't mind if someone was to take him down a peg by methods of a tickly persuasion

I think I've recognized a pattern of a lot of true 50/50 characters

sorry I didn't have as much to say on picani and sleep, I don't know their characters quite as well LOL

[delimeful]

in sickness and in health (6)

warnings: remus-typical gore/nsfw mentions, injury mention, captivity, panic, logan mad scientist moments: mini edition, cliffhanger

-

The situation had spiraled out of control faster than Virgil’s self esteem mid-mental breakdown.

His mind kept replaying the last few moments, trying to find the choice that would have saved him. There were a hundred obvious answers, and ones that had been obvious even before he’d landed himself in his own worst case scenario.

He should have realized something was wrong with the stranger’s act before they’d gotten to the point of trying to stab each other. He should have been less harsh with the tackle, going by the wince-worthy crack of skull against marble. Most of all, he should have just cut his losses and ran the moment he’d realized the other borrower wasn’t even listening, but—

“You don’t get to take anything else from me,” he’d said, squinting against the light, each movement more stumble than step.

The guy was trying to protect Patton and his friends. He’d clearly had a run in with the Monoxide group before, had lost people to them before, and he’d still decided to confront Virgil.

Murder attempt or not, he couldn’t just leave the stranger there to get caught.

Now that he was squarely in the palm of a hand big enough to crush him in one motion, he was admittedly having some regrets.

“Woah there, Goth Thumbelina, no need to panic,” said Remus, hurriedly moving his other hand close to form a wall as Virgil attempted to duck away from the fingers curling over him. ��A guy as small as you does not want to fall from this height, trust me. We’d turn the kitchen into a total splatter zone.”

And here Virgil had thought his heart couldn’t beat any faster. Life was always surprising him in the worst ways possible.

“Hello? Can you hear me, little guy?” Remus asked, lifting his hands to face level in a motion quick enough to shake what little balance Virgil had left. “You’re not dying of shock, are you? If I accidentally murder a fairy in Patty’s house, I’m pretty sure I’ll legally have to commit some kind of elaborate ritual suicide to atone.”

Well. His parents would probably be happy to know that he’d taken one last human down with him, at least.

Virgil drew all his limbs in until he felt more pillbug than person, his mind too full of mindless panicked shrieking for anything resembling a plan to form.

He couldn’t get away. He couldn’t fight the human off. He couldn’t even say anything, not unless he wanted to make this even worse for every other borrower in the world.

In the end, for all their malice and arrogance, a borrower from the Monoxide group was the same as any other borrower. There still wasn’t a single technique that would save them when they were in the clutches of a human.

All he could do was wait and see what the human decided to do with him.

… At the moment, Remus mostly seemed to be intent on poking him, over and over.

“Hey, c’mon, don’t kill us both in the world’s bizarrest murder-suicide! I haven’t even gotten to third base with a ghost yet!” The finger prodded lightly at the curve of his back again. “If we both die here, we’ll have to haunt this house together. Is that what you want? Because I will inevitably make it weird.”

Do not bite the human, Virgil reminded himself. Do not bite the human. That is a one-way ticket to getting thrown against a wall. Do not bite the human—

“Wow, you are way more polite than most of the small creatures I’ve held,” Remus noted enthusiastically. “On a completely unrelated note, are you venomous?”

Maybe one bite would be fine.

“Remus, if you’re cavorting with rodents in Pat’s kitchen, I swear—,” an annoyed grumble came from the entryway.

“Au contraire, less fair brother of mine,” Remus replied as he spun around to face his twin, “Any true rodent would have given me rabies twice over by now.”

Roman, who had a blanket cape draped over his shoulders and a cranky expression draped over his face, didn’t even glance down at Remus’s cupped hands. “Well, unless you’ve found a mouse-sized poltergeist, my beauty sleep—,”

“Huh.” Remus tilted his head, as though considering Virgil from a new angle. “Actually… maybe this is Patty’s mystery polterguest! Come look!”

He beckoned his twin over with a jerk of the head, and Roman’s suspicion deepened immediately. “Remus. If you are about to throw a cockroach at me, the repercussions will be severe and without mercy.”

“Heh,” Remus looked as if he was indulging in a fond memory. “Nah, I don’t want to ruin my intact-window streak by making you scream like an opera singer in a saw trap.”

Roman edged closer, eyes narrowed. “I still don’t see what kind of ghost would be that small—,”

“Tsk, tsk! Don’t judge a home invader by their size, RoBro!”

Virgil barely bit back a yelp as the human promptly stuck his cupped hands out, nearly knocking his kneeling form right back over. He ducked his head slightly, as though he could somehow prevent them from seeing what he was when he was literally being displayed at that very moment.

Roman’s eyes went wide as quarters as he peered down at him. “Holy Heracles. Is that a fairy?! Patton really is a Disney Princess!”

“That’s what I thought, too, but check it,” Remus nudged Virgil onto his side, revealing his back more clearly. “No wings, or even wing stumps. Plus, they live in the walls.”

Great, he’d noticed that. Still halfway to a panic attack, Virgil spared a pitying thought for all of borrowerkind.

“I feel like there was a Barbie movie that addressed the validity of wingless fairies,” Roman mused, before pausing to frown. “What do you mean, the walls? Tell me you didn’t try eating drywall again. This is not our house.”

“Nobody ever wants to try my fun sleepover activities,” Remus pouted, before rolling his eyes at Roman’s glare. “Don’t get your crown-patterned boxers in a twist, I caught them pre-wall entry.”

“‘Caught them’?” Roman echoed, glancing back down at Virgil, whose body had decided to start trembling hard enough to hopefully vibrate him right out of existence. “Oh my god, you traumatized the fairy. We are so gonna get cursed.”

“Awesome!” cheered Remus. “I hope it’s something with boils.”

“I am not re-enacting the Princess and the Frog as the more amphibious role!” Roman snapped, and lunged forward as though planning to snatch Virgil right out of Remus’s grasp.

Virgil had managed to keep his screaming internal thus far, but the strangled noise of terror that escaped him at the motion was entirely involuntary. Luckily, it was also probably high-pitched enough to bypass human hearing entirely.

“Woah!” Remus recoiled sharply, his hands cupping together to completely surround Virgil, like a child holding a firefly. “Do you even know how breakable itty-bitty creatures are? If I wanted to play tug of war with someone’s guts, I’d kidnap a politician!”

“If I shouldn’t be trusted with delicate creatures, you definitely shouldn’t be,” Roman shot back, though going by the distance of his muffled voice, he’d aborted his grabbing attempts. “Just put them down, they can’t even fly!”

The two of them exchanged some petulant, mostly-indistinct muttering, and then Remus shuffled to the side before placing his clasped hands down on something solid and slowly shifting them out from underneath Virgil.

Rather than fight the motion, Virgil pulled himself upright and let tension coil in every muscle, prepared to take off the instant he felt stable countertop under his feet again.

Sure, running hadn’t worked out for him the first time, but the first time, he’d been dragging the majority of a concussed stranger’s weight along with him. Seeing as Remus had barely caught him even with that handicap, he was more than willing to give fleeing for his life another shot.

His weight dropped onto a surface that was distinctly smoother and slicker than a kitchen counter, and his heart dropped along with it.

Sure enough, when Remus’s hands pulled back, he found himself standing at the bottom of a glass lemonade pitcher, no closer to escape than he’d been when a human hand had been the only thing between him and a fatal fall.

The twins were looming close enough to make his heart stutter, but they were also currently too preoccupied bickering with each other to pay their captive too much attention. Virgil backed up until his shoulders met glass, and slowly slid down into a sitting position, tucking his knees up against his chest.

He was never getting out of this.

–

“Janus,” Logan started, from where he was peering out the wallpaper doorway. “Haven’t we always agreed that we wouldn’t wish our humans on our worst enemy?”

“I don’t recall agreeing to that,” Janus countered halfheartedly, squinting past his near-blinding headache to follow Logan’s gaze. “Really, if you think about it, our worst enemies deserve to be faced with our least merciful weapons.”

In the kitchen, Remus cheerfully put his brother in a vicious headlock.

Also in the kitchen, the borrower Janus had totally and utterly screwed over flinched and flattened themself further against their glass prison.

Logan hummed in a way that did not make Janus feel like he was winning the argument. “And is this solitary borrower our worst enemy?”

“They could be,” Janus replied, indulging in as much of a sulk as his dignity would allow. “They have the mark, they knew what I was talking about. This could all be part of a long con.”

“A long con,” Logan echoed, “to get captured by humans.”

Humans that could have easily caught Janus instead, he pointedly didn’t say.

Janus felt the phantom pressure of a pair of hands shoving him to safety at the last moment, and nausea bubbled up in his throat. He felt fairly certain that it was only partially because of the alleged concussion Logan insisted he absolutely did have. “Anything’s possible.”

Logan turned from the nightmare scene in the kitchen to give Janus the look that comment deserved. “There were no passages to window box gardens or stores of harvested poisons in their home. All of the equipment I found was intended for borrowing, not assassination. There’s only signs of a single borrower residing here, when Monoxide members favor traveling in pairs or trios.”

Janus hissed under his breath. “We can’t just dismiss the possibility that they’re an outlier. A really strange, ineffective, idiotic outlier.”

“Perhaps, but looking at the current evidence offers us a far more plausible conclusion,” Logan said, and then paused, taking in Janus’s grim, hunched-over posture. “... Of course, we can’t truly confirm any theories without investigating our suspect further.”

“Our humans seem entirely too willing to interrogate them for us,” Janus replied bitterly.

Logan turned away from the doorway, dragging his oversized pack in front of him and rummaging through one of the side pockets. “In my experience, our humans have also been very susceptible to distraction.”

Janus perked up, recognizing something familiar in Logan’s tone. That was the tone that preceded a scheme risky enough to make typical borrowers faint just thinking about it.

“Of course,” Logan continued, pulling what looked like miniature explosive prototypes out of his bag, “a distraction loud and flashy enough to divert the twins would only worsen your concussion. I, however, am not concussed.” He paused to give one of the prototypes a dubious glance. “Yet.”

Janus leaned forward to try and inspect one of the devices, and received an armful of coiled thread and a meaningful look from Logan instead.

“Oh, sure,” he complained. “Leave the guy with the head injury with the job of convincing the stranger he tried to stab to participate in the rescue attempt, that makes perfect sense.”

“I have utmost faith in your persuasive abilities,” Logan said in that deadpan way that always made Janus doubt his claim to not understand sarcasm. “Be ready to move as soon as the twins are lured away; I haven't tested the new formula and I’m not sure how long they’ll burn.”

With that extremely concerning statement, the borrower tucked a pair of matches under his armpit, turned, and vanished around the nearest corner.

Janus pulled the thick loop of thread over one shoulder, crouched by the kitchen entrance, and waited.

To Logan’s credit, he worked fast. A series of crackling pops went off, distant but distinct, and their humans only exchanged the briefest of glances before haring off in an unspoken competition to get to the mysterious noises first. Truly, they were predictable in the most amusing ways.

Running had proven to be highly disorienting, so Janus speed walked across the counter to where the borrower’s prison sat. Undignified, but effective.

It hardly mattered; the stranger had crossed the width of the pitcher to peer after the twins and thus was facing the entirely wrong direction to notice Janus’s approach.

They did notice the weighted end of the thread clunk onto the glass behind them, going by how high they jumped and their vehement, half-wheezed swear. They glanced between him and the rope several times in bewilderment.

Janus waggled his fingers in an obnoxious little wave, just because he could. “Any day now. Unless you prefer your current accommodations, I suppose.”

“You’re… helping me?” they asked, with far more dubiousness than Janus felt was warranted. He hadn’t even managed to actually stab them.

“Do you really have the luxury of suspicion right now?” he asked back, shaking the rope for emphasis.

That seemed to snap them out of it. In the next moment, they were wrapping the end of the rope around their wrist and planting their feet on the glass wall, hauling themself up with impressive speed.

Janus leaned back, planting himself as a firmer counterbalance, and then paused.

He could still hear the muted bangs of borrower-sized chemical warfare going on in the other room, but that was it. For a space inhabited by both twins at the same time, there was a suspicious lack of shouting.

Unless…

A chill ran up his spine, and he resisted the urge to yank pointlessly on his end of the rope. “Hurry.”

“I’m trying,” the stranger bit back, grunting as they got a grip on the edge of the pitcher and pulled themself up. They lifted their head and froze in place, all the blood draining from their face.

Janus knew what he'd see before he even turned his head. 

“I knew it,” Roman crowed from where he stood in the kitchen doorway, “you do talk!”

[edupunkn00b]

Roomies, Ch. 3: My Brother's Best Friend

Prev - My Brother's Best Friend - Next - Masterpost - [ AO3 ]

WC: 3028 - Rated: This chapter, G-ish - CW: vaguely suggestive

Patton, Remus, Roman, and Logan at breakfast the next morning

By the time Remus cracked open his eyes the next morning, Patton was already up, hair damp and bouncy from a shower, fully dressed with his bed made. “Damn, Patton,” he groaned, pushing back his weighted blanket and stretching. “It’s college, not boot camp.”

“Oh, yeah,” he laughed, high pitched and brittle, and looked down at his feet with a little shrug. 

Fuck. Remus dragged a hand through his hair. You’re trying to not freak him out, remember?

“Guess I just got in the habit, y’know?” Patton continued, filling the silence. “Be a good role model for my campers. Oh!” He looked up, eyes wide, feet shuffling back. “I—I didn’t wake you, did I? I can—”

“Nah, man,” Remus yawned and swung his legs over to one side of the bed. “You’re good, really. Honestly, I’m impressed.”

Patton eyed him like he was waiting for a punchline so Remus just smiled and draped the blanket over his own bed, ‘making’ it. More than he would usually bother, at least. “Hey, you hungry? Dining hall’s probably open.” He looked down at his own bare chest and laughed. “I should probably throw something on first but, then we can go together?”

He scratched his shoulder, waiting for the surprise splashed over Patton’s face to morph into some kind of answer. He’d meant for the invitation to sound confident and casual but it came out… not.

“You really want—” His jaw snapped shut and he stood as tall as his cute little 5’7” frame would let him. “Sure.” He smiled after a moment, nodding. “Yeah, um, take your time and we’ll go whenever you’re ready.”

Remus was already headed to the closet and grabbing the first tank top his hand closed on. He tugged it down over his head, pulled on his jeans from yesterday then swung around, buckling the belt. “Tada!”

It earned him an almost-laugh. Patton’s eyes sparkled, and his lips twitched into a bright pink smile. “You really meant ‘throw something on.’” 

“Yep.” He let his ‘p’ pop as he stuffed his morning meds and his ID in his jeans pocket, then shoved his feet into his boots. “After you?” he asked and opened the door.

~

The dining hall was quiet and nearly empty when they arrived, the silence marred only by a faint murmured conversation in the far corner and the clangs and beeping timers coming from the kitchen. He shuddered, the racket reminding him of his old job at McDonald’s.

Including the two of them, there were only five students in the entire dining hall. Apparently most of the campus had not arrived fresh from summer camp with an ingrained habit of early rising. Go figure.

“I’m gonna hit the—” The word ‘lavatory’ came to mind and he shook his head. He’d definitely spent way too much time around Logan. “The can,” he finally said, jerking his thumb toward the restroom doors. “Wanna grab us a table before they’re all gone?”

“Um…” Patton scanned the mostly empty room before nodding. “Sure.”

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, turning and walking backwards toward the restrooms. “I’ll bring you a coffee!”

Patton’s mouth opened but then snapped shut again before he nodded again, scanned his ID and picked up a tray.

As soon as he was out of sight, Remus backed open the swinging door and slid into the bathroom. After using the toilet he washed up and ran wet hands through his hair, wrangling his curls into something of a style. Finally, hand cupped with water from the tap, he took three tiny yellow pills, then splashed cold water over his face. Stubble pricked his palms and he frowned. He needed a shave. Patton’s face already looked baby smooth again. 

Remus chuckled. Patton really did have his whole morning thing down to a science. His stomach clenched, hunger or his meds. Or maybe just remembering Patton’s face last night. Fuck, Ro could be so blind. Had been since before high school. How he couldn’t see what was right in front of him all those years. Fucking dumba—

The restroom door swung open and a guy Remus vaguely recognized from move-in day sauntered in and gave him that weird head nod greeting. Apparently forgetting Remus could see him in the mirror, the guy’s gaze lingered on his ass as he passed. Remus grinned. That’s okay, Ro. Patton’ll find somebody who’ll appreciate him here. Plenty of pickings.

After smoothing down his mustache one more time and shoving two pieces of cinnamon gum in his mouth, Remus nodded at his own reflection. Plenty of pickings. He maybe even had some closer than he knew.

~

Once Remus had left, Patton collected his food quickly and sat at a large table far from the noise of the kitchen and alongside the windows facing the path from Ro—and Logan’s— dorm. He told himself he hoped to catch them before they sat somewhere else, or to save them from having to take one of the tables closer to the hisses and alarms in the kitchen as the dining hall slowly filled.

In a moment of honesty, though, Patton admitted to himself he was a little afraid Ro and Logan might accidentally-on-purpose not notice him when they did finally arrive. Ro was a devoted friend and he would likely be an even more devoted boyfriend. The Logan Patton remembered from school had been confident, even a little arrogant. This Logan was crushed and Ro’s tender heart felt responsible. Patton couldn't blame him if Logan pulled his attention away from anything—anyone—else.

Patton’s phone was heavy in his pocket. The only thing stopping him from double—okay, triple-texting Ro—and telling him he’d saved a seat for them at his table was last night’s Really Obviously Muscular And Nice 👑 has turned off notifications message and Patton's unread good morning text.

He took his time sprinkling pepper and salt on his eggs before taking tiny, slow bites. After a few long minutes, he spotted them in the distance, hands locked together and walking close. Patton couldn’t help but smile at Ro’s familiar stride, his excited movements, waving his arm about as he talked. Patton watched as Ro curled his other arm around Logan’s waist and pointed out the late summer blooms still clinging to the pine trees, then the bulletin board outside the dining hall, already plastered with student club announcements.

He waited for them to get closer, then rose from his chair, waving both arms when Logan seemed to notice him through the glass. Warmth filled his chest when Ro followed Logan’s gaze and waved back.

This was going to be okay. It was all going to be okay.

~

”Good morning, you two!” Patton grinned when Ro set down his tray and gave him a little half hug before taking the empty seat next to Logan.

“Have you been here long?” Ro asked, frowning as he looked around the still mostly-empty dining hall. “Alone?” he added before pursing his lips like he had more to say.

Patton shrugged. “Not alone, Remus is here, just…” 

“Couldn’t get away?” Roman frowned again and cut into his omelet. “You know, if you need me to have another talk with him about boundaries, I will.” 

Logan was quiet, watching them talk.

“I—I don’t…” Patton shook his head and smiled. “Thank you, Ro, but I don’t think it will be necessary.” 

“Pat, you don’t have to try to protect him.” Ro leaned closer, searching his eyes. “He’s my brother. Trust me, I know what he can be like.” 

Patton poked at his breakfast. Remus hadn’t been that bad. He’d even… Patton bit back a smile, remembering when Remus had tried to help Patton with his personal items, eyes closed and fumbling with the dresser and a stack of boxer shorts. Was he wrong to think it’d been kinda funny? “He’s been okay,” he said at last, nodding. “Really.” 

Ro opened his mouth but before he could continue his argument, Logan nudged his plate closer to him. “What do you think of your omelet?” he said pointedly, holding his gaze. “You should try it while it’s still warm.”

”Okay, okay,” Ro said, laughing. “I can take a hint.”

“Purportedly,” Logan said not-quite under his breath and Patton tried to hide his laugh behind a napkin.

Logan met Roman's pretend glare with his own before sipping his coffee. ”I must admit I was wrong to believe the stories of college dorm food. The offerings here appear fresh and reasonably healthy-” He cringed at the loud and protracted swooshing sound of canned whipped cream. “With some exceptions, of course.”

Roman laughed, “You should see what ten year olds do when get to put whatever they want on their pancakes. Remember my tenth birthday party?” he grinned at Patton across the table.

”That was one time!” Patton laughed. “And, for the record, ice cream on pancakes isn’t bad until it starts to melt.”

“That’s when it looks like a horror show,” Roman said, mostly to Logan.

Contemplating his own eggs, Logan hummed and took a bite. “There is an element of body horror in many of the foods we consume each morning.”

“Now you’re sounding like my brother,” Ro laughed.

Eyebrow raised, Logan turned to Ro. He nearly smiled. “Indeed.”

Ro laughed again and kissed his cheek before he looked at Patton. “Okay, since Lo brought up the body horror," he flashed Logan a smile when he sighed and made a 'go ahead' motion with his other hand. "I still don't understand how you ended up rooming with Remus.” He reached across the table and gave his hand a little squeeze. “Pat, you can tell us for real… how is it going? It’s not too late to get another room change, you know. Your parents could call the Housing Office if the RAs won’t listen to you.”

Ro's hand was warm but he let go entirely too quickly. “I…" Patton shook his head. "I… I don’t need to… An—and—and besides, Remus is fine. He’s been…” Aside from increasingly inappropriate—and ridiculous—guesses about what he’d brought in his little blue bag, Remus didn’t once try to find out what was actually inside while he’d helped him unpack. He hadn’t even touched it.

“He’s been great, actually.” Patton tried not to sound so surprised. “You know, he’s really—”

“Hey, these guys bothering you?” Remus suddenly said from behind him, setting down a tray heavy with two mugs, a pile of fruit, oatmeal and yogurt. A plate of toasted bagels and jellies teetered on top and Remus set that in the middle of their table before sitting next to him. “Don’t want Ro getting hangry on us, do we?” he winked at his brother who scowled back.

“Your company is a pleasure, as always, Re,” Ro murmured, his raised eyebrow and pursed lips saying just how much he meant it. “When we found dear Patton here dining alone we assumed you’d abandoned him for some tryst in the hallway.”

Remus threw his head back, laughing. “Nah, you woulda heard me. ‘I’m quite the screamer.’”

Logan looked up from his coffee, eyes narrowed. “Doctor Who reference?“ Remus nodded at him, his smile two shades brighter. “Fantastic,” he murmured and took another sip.

“Don’t encourage him,” Ro whispered.

“I told you he said he’d come back,” Patton said but Ro just rolled his eyes and shifted his chair a little closer to Logan.

“I sure did.” Remus took one of the steaming mugs and set it next to Patton's plate along with a little handful of creamers and sugar packets. “You like it light and sweet, right?”

“I do, but when did…” He wracked his brain, trying to remember when he might’ve told Remus how he took his coffee. He’d only started drinking it senior year and only at— “Oh, the sleepover!” he grinned up at Ro. “We stayed up all night after Homecoming.”

“That is most unhealthy,” Logan said, frowning lightly at Ro.

“Do not worry, mi amor,” Ro soothed, wrapping an arm around Logan’s shoulders before jerking his chin up at Patton. “I didn’t stay up all night, he did.”

Patton shrugged and he hoped no-one else noticed the heat crawling up his face. “I’d never had coffee before. That first cup was…” The memory of the bitter coat on his tongue made his nose scrunch and he shook his head. “It was not good.”

“It’s better with a little something in it,” Remus laughed, plunking two creamers into his own cup.

“It was,” Patton said, nodding with a little laugh. “So much better I had three cups. Don’t worry—” he said when Logan’s eyes widened. “I drink a lot less now.”

“Hm.” Logan’s grunt seemed to end the subject but he eyed the three of them like he half-expected one of them to guzzle an entire pot. Roman leaned close and whispered something in his ear. Whatever he said seemed to mollify him and when a flush grew over Ro's face at Logan's too-quiet-to-hear response, Patton returned his attention to his own coffee.

Remus coughed, loudly, and the couple stopped whispering. Logan cleared his throat and took another bite of his breakfast while Ro snagged one of the bagels Remus had brought. “Your tattoo appears to be healing adequately,” Logan remarked, eyebrows raised over the top of his glasses. “Perhaps your experience with your first tattoo impressed upon you the importance of proper aftercare?”

“Oh, you know I never skimp on aftercare.” Remus chuckled, some inside joke pulling a half-laugh from Logan. Ro got the joke but didn’t like it, glaring at his brother for a long moment before spearing a bit of omelet. Still grinning, Remus turned to Patton. “Yeah, it hurt like a bitch. I didn’t use the lotion they gave me and… whew,” he whistled. “That was too much even for me.” He craned his neck to and looked at the edge of his shoulder. The rainbow-hued jellyfish peeking out from around his tank top already a lot less red than it had been yesterday afternoon. “It's looking better already and hurts a fuckton less.”

“Remus…" Guilt fluttered in Patton’s belly and he looked more closely at the sore skin around Remus' new tattoo. He hadn’t thought the redness meant it hurt, just— "Is that why you slept with your shirt off?”

“Re!” Leaning across the table and glaring at his brother, Ro sounded outraged. “You paraded around in the nude in front of my friend? You promised me you’d—” 

“Excuse you, I paraded around my roommate!” Remus shot Patton a quizzical look before his glare returned and he stared down his brother. “And no, I wasn’t nude.”

The image of Remus hurrying to get dressed that morning, squid-decorated boxers dancing with his movement, came unbidden to Patton’s mind and he dumped another sugar into his coffee and stirred.

“Fine,” Ro snapped, pointing to his own eyes and then at Remus before sitting back, arms crossed over his chest. Logan stroked his arm until he relaxed, smiling back at him with a soft blush. 

“Anywhoo…” Remus bumped Patton’s shoulder and grinned when he looked up. His smile was wild as usual, practically vibrating with energy. Remus’ eyes, though, were serious and met his for a long moment, searching for something. He seemed to find whatever he was looking for because his smile softened and he nodded before giving him a little wink and addressing the table. “I’ve been thinking about the design for my next tattoo. Maybe a little something in a more… personal place?” He waggled his eyebrows, watching Ro and Logan’s expressions, clearly waiting for one of them to take the bait.

Patton bit back an inappropriate laugh and tried to hide his smile behind his coffee. Remus wasn’t suggesting what it sounded like, was he?

“You know…” He shimmied his shoulders. “Something a little glans-dular?”

Logan’s fork dropped to his plate and he sighed. “Roman, please share with your brother the inadvisability of tattooing one’s genitals.”

“Aw, come on…” Remus whined like he was pleading for a puppy from strict parents. “You don’t think I should get a little happy face tattooed on my happy place?”  

“No!” Ro and Logan said in unison. Turning to look at him, Remus waggled his eyebrows and winked.

Patton lowered his eyes, face hot. He caught sight of the sausage links on his plate and the charred bit at one end suddenly made his stomach turn. “Um, Remus, you can have these if you want.”

“Mmm, while I’d never say no to a bite of your—” he started to laugh then stopped when the table shuddered. Patton caught movement underneath and spied Ro’s heel pressed into his brother’s boot.

He flashed Ro a grateful smile.

“Remus does not consume meat,” Logan said. He ignored the brothers’ partially hidden wrestling and instead spread raspberry jam on one of the bagels Remus had brought.

“You’re a vegetarian?” Patton blurted out before he could stop himself, mouth agape as he stared at Remus.

“Well, yeah,” Remus said, shrugging. Was he… blushing? 

He took a closer look at the food Remus had brought to the table. The bagels… An apple and an orange, a big bowl of yogurt sprinkled with nuts and little black chia seeds, coffee—well, coffees , he’d made good on his promise to bring him a coffee, too.

Patton frowned. How had he never noticed before? Remus had come along a few times when he and Ro had gone for pizza or chinese or whatever but Patton couldn’t remember noticing whether or not he ate what they did. He couldn’t actually remember noticing much of what Remus did, aside from his dirty jokes or his loud music. Or his bullying of the bullies. 

“Guess I read Charlotte’s Web a few too many times as a kid, huh?”

Patton looked up and Remus was watching him with unexpectedly soft expression, an almost shy smile replacing his earlier smirk. He’d twisted a napkin around his finger, wrapping and unwrapping it as he waited for Patton to say something.

“I dunno…” Patton’s frown shifted into a matching smile and this time he shrugged. “Maybe you read it just the right number of times.”