#and lucas rushes to clean it up so jawn doesn't cut himself. that's such a nice foreshadowing (even though we know whats coming)

[miafic]

@butterfly-bandaid: So basically in the chapter of MIA “Eavesdropping,” Aswten overhears Lucas ask Zakk if he thinks Awsten stole the razor, and Zakk says no, and this conversation bit–

“No, I don’t.”   (Zakk)

“You think…?”   (Lucas)

“Same old, same old?” Zakk asked knowingly. “Yep.”

sorta implies that something like this has happened before. So I was just thinking about what might have happened in the past like what exactly might have played out. And then I decided to Write despite the fact that I really haven’t for like………. a while now lol. So anyway. I can’t figure out how to put this under a read more but if you can that might be a good idea. Big trigger warning for like self harm and stuff because that’s what this is about.  (Also, apparently the tab key doesn’t work in the submission box so the formatting is kinda messed up oh no)

There was no planning, no thinking involved. As soon as the idea popped into his head, it was in motion. The glass, which was supposed to have been filled with orange juice, plunged to the floor.

As soon as it hit, it shattered on the tile floor of the kitchen. As the shards slid to a stop, the conversation at the table halted. Silence settled over the room, and Zakk, Lucas, and the other boys turned to look at Jawn standing beside the counter, stunned by the sudden noise.

“Sorry!” Jawn gasped, crouching down to start to gather the pieces of glass scattered across the floor.

“No– let me get it.” Lucas stood up from his place at the table and grabbed a broom. Jawn carefully stepped away from the mess, careful not to cut his bare feet, and dumped the shards in his hands into the garbage. As Lucas swept the glass into a dustpan, Jawn returned to his lunch. Chatter among the boys gradually returned, but he could barely hear a word anyone was saying. Without anyone seeing, without even really thinking about doing it, Jawn had slipped a piece of the shattered glass into the pocket of his hoodie, holding it in his sweaty fist under the table, and he could almost feel the relief it would bring him already.

If he were being honest about it, Jawn’s safety level would have been a two. He had been thinking about that piece of glass all day, couldn’t get the feeling of lines across his skin out of his mind. He was going to do it, standing in the bathroom with doors that didn’t lock, consequences be damned. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Lucas or Zakk what he had planned. Planned. Planned wasn’t the way to put it. He wasn’t deciding to do anything, he was just not deciding not to. Going with the flow, along with the current of his thoughts. Still, feeling the edges in his pocket made his pulse speed up, filled his stomach with some sort of misplaced energy.

Despite his somehow simultaneously spinning and distant thoughts, Jawn made it through the check-in before bedtime without any incident. He climbed the stairs, crawled into bed, and pretended to sleep.

He didn’t know what time it was when he opened his eyes into the darkness. He did know it was late; the house was silent, almost like it was holding its breath. He could feel his lungs expand and contract, but it didn’t feel like he was exchanging any air. He tiptoed to the bathroom, glass in hand, the cold white tile sending shivers up his body.

He remembers the feeling of razor-sharp glass sliding against his flesh, the pale white rifts in his skin that fill up and overflow almost before he has a chance to see them. He remembers scarlet drops that splatter neon against the stark white tile. He remembers the warmth of blood dripping over his skin, and the warmth that spreads throughout his body. He remembers the rush of adrenaline, the feeling that this might be the only thing that’s real.

He doesn’t remember the pain.

He remembers sitting there, on the floor, but he doesn’t know how long. He remembers opening and closing the cabinets under the sink, looking for some way to hide his desperate attempts to feel. He remembers the sudden jerk of his insides when he realizes that someone is standing behind him, the rush along his nerves as he turns around, the sudden shaking in his hands as his brain struggles between fight and flight, the conflict leaving him stuck in freeze instead. He remembers Zakk, yelling, startled, maybe scared. What the hell are you doing? He doesn’t remember.

There’s a lot of hushed tones and murmuring between Lucas and Zakk. Jawn doesn’t know what they told the other boys, but the lights in the bedroom turned off again. He knows reality will come rushing back soon, and then he’ll feel the pain, and maybe regret it, but until then, the only thing he can focus on is the feeling of medical tape pulling against his skin, the faint scent of bleach drifting from the bathroom as Zakk tries to scrub the rusty stains from the grout between the tiles, the hum of Lucas speaking to him in words he can’t make sense of, asking him questions he doesn’t know how to answer.

When everything is said and done, it’s nearly three in the morning. Lucas lets out a sigh, rubbing his hand over his face.

“We knew he had a history,” he says to the room in general; Zakk is sitting on the couch across from him but doesn’t answer.

Lucas spins his office chair back to face the computer and resumes typing, summarizing the events of the night. He hadn’t been able to get much information out of Jawn, but there was enough for him to be convinced that a trip to the emergency room wasn’t necessary. There will be more to do about it in the morning, though; calls to be made, the room will have to be searched for anything sharp, and he’ll have to finish his report, because the words aren’t coming to him tonight.

He gets up and climbs the stairs, leaving Zakk in the office, and pauses as he passes the bathroom. The light is out, and it’s empty. He stops in the doorways of both bedrooms, making sure all the boys are sleeping. The house is quiet. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.  

(I am aware that it switches tense but that’s what Felt Right so I’m going with it. Artistic licence. Also I tried to make it not too graphic and i did that by being like sort of Poetic about it but that might have made it Worse in terms of Freaking People Out so sorry if that’s the case. Also I hope I did your characters justice.)