#and living with the condition that I have? my emotional regulation is…shaky at best

[arwenkenobi48]

Serious question here bc I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s currently keeping me awake at night: do I have the right to mourn the death of a fictional character when there’s so much real loss currently happening all over the world?

[contemplating-spirit]

Helplessness

Most of you have probably experienced similar feelings and situations. life feels completely out of control and your are trying to find peace of mind. But no matter how many mediations you do, sleep hypnosis podcast you listen to, Spotify playlists you make, your heart still balances on a thin thread. You’re too afraid to take that giant exhale in fear that you heart leans to far one way or the other and falls into eternal darkness. Every breath taken is weak and shaky like a gentle sniffle. I’ve never been a person who was expressive at emotions. But there comes to a point in life where you’re forced to face your fears. emotions make us vulnerable and human. As someone who doesn’t quite know how to approach these feelings, I’m trying out this new method. Writing out my thoughts and feelings. With a mind that is constantly going at 700 mile per hour, writing allows these thoughts to step into the light and instead of having them just flash by in my brain, it allows them to be acknowledged. 

Today I am feeling helpless. Here is a context of what is going on in my life. Over Thanksgiving weekend while I was home for break, we found out that my grandmother who lived in China had stage IV lung and liver cancer. A few weeks later, we found out that the cancer has spread to her other organs as well. in other words, she wasn’t doing so hot. my father instantly went into mental break down mode, my mother having to deal with every inner 16 year old teenage girl tantrum he channeled. From what I’ve heard since I got for winter break, my family has completely fallen apart in the three weeks I was back at school. My parents tried applying for a visa to go back and take care of her but with COVID travel regulations, that wasn’t possible. So somehow we found treatment options for her here and she came after Christmas. ever since then, her conditions are worse than we thought. She can’t keep food in and barely eats or has any energy. As someone who expresses their love through act of service, I feel so lost and helpless as to what I can do. Cooking and baking for the people I love is something i really enjoy doing. To see the smile and contentment that the food I make puts on their face is just the best feeling ever. But to know that there’s not a single thing that she can keep down breaks my heart. To watch her become more and more frail everyday but knowing there’s literally nothing we can do but to watch her suffer in her cancerous pains. The helplessness. Knowing no amount of money, time, effort or anything can change her current circumstances. That’s such a wretched feeling. It’s like drowning in an ocean and not knowing how to swim. Nothing you can do except let the water consume you and force every last bit of oxygen out of your lungs. Knowing and trying to accept your fate but also praying for a miracle to happen. We grow up learning that if at first you don’t succeed try try again; if you fail then try harder; it’s not that you can’t but you haven’t tried hard enough yet; everything is possible if you put in the effort. You get the point. As someone who never accepted defeat or failure, I feel defeated. Before, no matter what a situation was, I could always have some control over it knowing that I could do something to altar the outcomes. But this is not that. To see someone suffering and having absolutely nothing you can do to help them. That helplessness is agonizing 

[writeyouin]

Could you write one where readers grandpa passed away, and reader and he grandpa used to be really close. So she shuts down like she hasn't really had the good cry she needed. And Kirk confronts her about it, and she finally breaks down. And he helps her through it, please it would be much appreciated. If not that's okay. Please and thank you.

Kirk X Reader – A Great Man

A/N – Gotta admit, this one hit pretty hard. I always remember my granddad who, to me, was the best person in the world. I could say I’m sorry to all of you who’ve lost a grandparent, instead I’ll say this: Remember the good times, the music they listened to, the way they talked, everything; it’s better to have known them in the short time we can than to of never known them at all.

Warnings – Death of a close family member.

Rating – T

Every person to ever exist has those moments in life when it feels like a bomb has dropped. Those rare instances where time freezes and in pure deniability, we think about the things that don’t really matter; for you it was, “Why is the conference room so damn bright?”

Earth’s Starfleet HQ had just informed you that your grandfather had passed away and you could only think about why the room was too bright.

“By Starfleet regulations,” Admiral Amari, your old mentor at Starfleet continued, “you are permitted two weeks off to grieve. We are sorry for your loss.”

You forced your face into a serene mask, speaking evenly after a deep breath. “If it pleases Starfleet, I feel that I would be more effective working at my usual station on the bridge.”

“Do you not think it wise to rest and fully take in this news?” Amari cautioned.

“With all due respect ma’am, my grandpa taught me to celebrate life rather than mourn death.”

“Very well. You may return to work as soon as you see fit on the condition that you get your CO’s approval. Over and Out.”

You saluted before the screen flashed off, then left the conference room to meet the Captain for permission to work.

As soon as the turbolift opened, all eyes were on you. It was apparent that everybody knew somebody close to you had passed because that was practically the only reason anyone received a call from their planet’s Starfleet HQ. Kirk left the Captain’s chair, moving with urgency to meet you at the door, his face was creased in concern.

“(Y/N).” He whispered, forgetting all formality and using your first name. “Starfleet already informed me of your circumstances. You don’t have to- I mean… Take all the time you need, I’m sorry for your loss.”

‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ You turned the phrase over in your mind. It was such an odd saying really. Why should people apologise for something beyond their control?

You replied with a conventional head bob. “Thank you for your condolences Captain. Please may I return to my station now?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Kirk’s eyebrows flew up at the unusual request.

“Captain, my grandpa was the best man in the world to me and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset but right now but I can’t just sit in my room overthinking everything. I would prefer to be here, doing my job instead of twiddling my thumbs, doing nothing. Is that okay?”

Kirk nodded hesitantly, “Alright, but only if you’re sure.”

You nodded and moved to your station where a holographic map of the solar system you were in appeared upon sensing you. You began scanning the nearby planets and stars for any anomalies, taking comfort in the pulsing beeps that came through your headphones.

Throughout the following weeks, the quality of your work slowly deteriorated along with your emotional well-being. At first you would only fail small tasks that went unnoticed such as misfiring a probe or miscalculating the worth of a mineral deposit. However, each day of work took a toll on you, leaving behind a numb, empty husk in place of the bright-eyed Starfleet officer with a passion for work. Finally, unable to care about any tasks left to you, you made a mistake which almost cost the landing party their lives.

After your error, you were called to a meeting room where Kirk and McCoy were waiting. Under their scrutinising gaze, you apologised quietly, never feeling the full weight of your words; you had almost cost someone their life, yet for some reason, you didn’t hold much regret for the situation.

“No Lieutenant.” Kirk growled. “Some good people almost died down there today, I don’t want an apology, I want to know why you didn’t realise the distress beacon was a trap.”

In all your years working under Kirk, you had never seen him angry at you, it brought the full severity of the situation down hard; the death of another officer could have been your fault and up until now you hadn’t really cared. What felt like invisible constricting bands clasped tightly around your lungs, making it impossible to breathe properly. You raised a hand to your throat, spluttering and gasping horribly.

Kirk’s brow creased in confusion, “What’s-”

McCoy pushed past him, sitting you on the floor, “Damn it Jim, (s)he’s having a panic attack.”

Kirk looked terrified as McCoy started giving you simple instructions, starting with yes or no questions about your medical history. After about a minute, McCoy sighed irritably and glowered at Kirk who was hovering restlessly above him.

“What are you still doing here?” McCoy hissed. “You want to help (Y/N)? Go get my damn medical bag from sick bay.”

Kirk nodded, pelting out of the room as McCoy counted down the breaths you should be taking on his hands, holding up finger each time he wanted you to take another deep breath.

“I used to have a dog that well trained.” McCoy noted calmly, “till my wife took it in the divorce. Still, joke’s on Jim, I don’t even have a medical bag but I expect Nurse Chapel will keep him distracted long enough.” McCoy saw your quizzical expression and begun to explain himself. “He was like a bull in a china shop, bucking around here, wondering what he could do; the best he can do now is bother somebody else. Of course, he uh, wouldn’t do that with many people; I probably shouldn’t be the one to tell you but he cares about you.”

Even if you could have spoken, you wouldn’t, instead you kept your focus on steadying your breathing which had almost returned to normal. You’d never been blind to Jim’s affections and although the thought of pursuing a relationship had crossed your mind, you’d never encouraged it, mainly because you were afraid of what it would do to your friendship if things ever went wrong. Now however, was not the time to be thinking of relationships, McCoy must have sensed it too because he changed the subject. “Look, the body’s no good without the mind and the mind can get just as ill as the body. You need time to mourn, I’m-”

Kirk burst into the room panting. “I’VE GOT THE BAG.”

“What took you so damn long, I don’t even need it now.” McCoy griped.

“Wait, wha-”

“(Y/N)’s agreed to take a month off for mourning, right (Y/N)?”

Knowing there was no use in arguing, you murmured a quiet, “Yes.”

“Now if you’ll both excuse me, I’m going back to med-bay.” McCoy took the dummy bag from Jim on his way out, leaving the two of you alone.

Jim approached you cautiously, joining you on the floor. “So… this was about your grandfather then.”

You nodded.

“Want to talk about it?”

Fresh tears flowed unchecked, until now you hadn’t quite known how much you needed to talk to someone. “I-” You gulped. “I’m afraid I’ll forget him. It’s getting more difficult to remember his smell or the way he laughed; I don’t want him to leave me.”

“Tell me something about him, something only people close to him knew.”

You pulled a flat disc out of your pocket, pressing the surface to reveal a hologram of your grandpa; you didn’t remember putting it in your pocket but you were glad it was there now, ready to comfort you as needed. “He… he always called me ‘My dear.’”

“And…” Kirk prompted, wrapping his arms gently around your shoulders, drawing you to him.

“And he loved the song ‘Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head.’”

“I haven’t heard that one before.”

“It’s old.” You hesitated before releasing a shaky breath and singing the opening line. “Raindrops keep falling on my head, and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed.”

Kirk held you tightly while you sung, listening peacefully to every note. In that moment, he promised himself that he would be there for you while you recovered, making sure you were no longer alone. Although you had a rocky start, he was sure that now you were talking and taking the time to properly mourn and cry, everything would eventually be alright, for where death is present, life always goes on.