#and literally nobody understood my fear of tampons

[totalfreakingloser]

whenever I shave it makes me think about in high school when I told my friends my mom never taught me how to use a real razor and used an electric one and that I also shaved my arms and just. the negative feedback I got from both of those was astonishing. I also got negative feedback about my fear of tampons. like. you can’t advocate for girls to live how they want until it’s in a way you don’t like

[fuckyourlist-blog]

15 Irrational Fears ‘All’ Guys Have In Relationships (According To These Three Guys Who Fucked A Microwaved Banana Peel)

Relationships, ah that old song and dance we’re all forced to endure if we ever hope to sneeze our dick gravy into a welcoming hole and birth a small version of ourselves. Why are they so hard though? Why are they so hard in particular for men? As women, we grow up completely entitled to our Disney prince, one who lets us eat from their plate of fries, one who will buy us tampons AND insert them, one who will hold our hair back while we’re throwing up on the penis of the man who is cucking him. 

So why are relationships LITERALLY the n word of social interaction? “How do talk to laaaady” grunts the primitive man as he drags his knuckles off the floor just long enough to yell at the burning sky egg in exasperation.

Well, we decided to ask three guys whose first and last sexual encounter was fucking a microwaved banana peel for the top 15 reasons why they’re too scared to slam down on some gash, rather than a warm hollowed out fruit.

1. She Will Use His Vulnerability Against Him

The problem is, men are like video game bosses. They have glowing spots on them you’re meant to drive a knife into for them to lose hit points. Shit, it’s NO WONDER they are terrified of showing this to women, they probably didn’t get to pick up the first aid kit in the barrel on the first level, and will be absolutely FUCKED into a black hole of weeping and silence if you expertly aim the knife of “I don’t know what I want for dinner but let’s avoid KFC because you’re getting a bit thicc” at him. Poor fella.

2. She Will Change After Marriage

It’s completely ok if he changes into a complacent sentient garbage bag after you marry, but don’t you DARE think of unzipping your back skin and crawling out to reveal the shrieking ballbusting demon you really are. I swear to god if you don’t remain as the fun loving party girl he fell in love with at 19 (before you realised he was obsessed with Magic:The Gathering) then I will turn this damn car around.

3. She'll Ask Him What He's Thinking...

Bitch are you cray cray?! who said communicating was a part of this?! Don’t worry your pretty little head though, just put your mouth back where it belongs (back on his dick).

4. She Will Turn Out To Have Ulterior Motives

Such as falling in love with him when he wanted to spend his life exclaiming how much of a shitbag undeserving of love he is. You’re going off script! You might push him into having a feeling! Once again, this is on YOU. You’re the only one who could do wrong here or have something up your sleeve. Not him. Because banana peels don’t chew him out for leaving stained underwear on the couch.

5. She Will Blackmail Him Into Doing What She Wants By Threatening Divorce

Because 4 points in and 10 minutes into your first date you’re wet enough to host an Olympic swimming team, and he’s skipped past marriage and right to how you’ll fuck him over in divorce. You wonder how long he spent thinking of the good times before jumping this far ahead, it was zero long, his brain just went right here. Ask him what he’s thinking right now and he’ll respond “If I saw our children in half do we have to do a custody battle?” and a laugh track will play because this is actually some dumb shit.

6. She Will Not Come Back Home One Day

When you come home from work it’s cute when a pet comes running up to you because they’ve missed you and are glad you’re home. To be fair, their concept of a ‘year’ is different to ours, and yet they still keep their proverbial shit together. Men like this though? They’ll make themselves unemployed so they can sit in a darkened room peeking from behind a curtain down the driveway. Every minute it inches closer to your usual home time his heart races faster. He pees a little, tears swell in his eyes, and at 5.29pm he slowly begins to close the scissor blades on your sexiest pair of underwear. How dare you do this to him. 

7. He Will Find Out That She Was Comparing Him To Her Last Boyfriend

Who gives a shit. I compare cups of coffee from different cafes and I assure you coffee has provided me with more comfort and warmth than a great number of my relationships. It’s not that I’m comparing you to ex boyfriends, I’m comparing you to a $4 cup of coffee that I still think about, unlike you.

8. He Will Wake Up And Realize He Doesn't Like Her Anymore

Notice once again how this one is about how she has undesirable qualities. Women never wake up and decide men are terrible. Never. Because they’re the best and if it weren’t for the scientific law of queues we’d be fighting each other to slurp down your balls daily. I mean, aside from that nobody has any agency to just walk away, it’s impossible. We’re referred to as the ‘ole ball and chain’ because we literally are weighing them down to the floor, and they skipped leg day.

9. He Will Be Financially Ruined By Divorce

From Scrooge McDuck to Scrooge McCuck

10. She Will Leave Him For Someone Richer

...From Scrooge McCuck to Scrooge McDuck

Ah, it’s the circle of life. Just like Simba said but not in the bit where his dad dies. We all know Mufasa killed himself cos bitches ain’t shit anyway.

11. They Will Have A Child Who Needs Extra Special Care

If this list has demonstrated one thing it’s that men hate competition.

12. He Will Go From Happily Single To Unhappily Committed

As we all know, happily single men definitely frequent toxic subreddits revolving around how to interact with women. Happily single men totally post online feverishly wanting to know whether a woman being nice to them wants to skin them and live in their flesh in a sexy way. Happily single men send dick photos to strangers for validation. Happily single men were not the people being asked this. They will be unhappy no matter what because at no point have they understood that happiness in a relationship (or outside of a relationship) is LARGELY about them and their own demonstrable value. A woman or man cannot turn your world into a happy fun filled existence unless you put in the work on YOURSELF. 

People like this see commitment as a swear word because they want to keep being able to fuck their way through people who will not add anything of worth to their lives, to self destruct and self abuse without punishment.

13. She Will End Up Pregnant Unexpectedly

Well it’ll be unexpected for one of you. While you were studying the blade, we were doing a handstand in the bathtub pouring a used condom into us.

Birth control definitely isn’t a choice that involves two parties. It’s entirely on the woman to ensure her vagina infested with evil doesn’t clamp down on your dick during those final moments of intercourse and force your balls empty into her uterus. Did you know when this happens we also steal one of your superpowers?

14. She Will Turn Out To Be A Worn Out Shell

This is blatant miseducation. When this happens, guys, you just need to go find us in our jelly form hanging out on the couch waiting for our new shell to harden. Don’t worry! We’re certainly not worn down to an internally crying husk because you’re a dreadful example of humanity, we’re just molting. 

15.They Will Be The Family The Neighbors Gossip About

“Hey honey check it out, that rich brooding manchild is banging his withered old bitch out in the poolhouse again, while leaving their handicapped son to play with a sanding belt unattended.”

“Oh weird, I thought they were getting a divorce?”