#and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19....

[bunnihearted]

🏫🍃🌥️

[reallypsychotic]

my experiences with medicines

before saying anything, i want to state these are my own personal experiences with these medications. if a medicine works for you, please do not change your mind or get scared! 

im a minor diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (depressive) and these are my personal experiences with some medicines! and i’d love to take suggestions, especially for anti-psychotics.

just offering my own experiences that others could relate with. under the cut!

Zoloft - one (if not the) first medicines i was put on for psychiatric reasons. my mother brought up my anxiety with a doctor so he said it wouldn’t hurt to try one. he just picked zoloft, i don’t remember the reasoning. 

i found zoloft had made me seemingly more anxious. i was extremely jittery on it, like a huge burst of energy, but not in a good way. not only with that, but i started getting petechiae on my body. after these negative effects, we went off of it. it got into my system pretty quickly. butchered my appetite.

Prozac - i believe prozac was the second medicine i was put on, for a mix of anxiety + depression (moreso depression). I was on prozac for months, and at first it made me so irritable. and over time it just... had no effect on me. when i didn’t take it, i felt no difference. i only remember it made me more irritable/angry at first.

Wellbutrin - one of my doctors wanted to try this while i was in the E.R. for my kidney stones, as a replacement for prozac. after a few days, i felt more alert, but i got the infamous ear-ringing. as soon as i told them about the ear-ringing they took me off of it. i was only on it for a few days. it wasn’t as negative affecting as prozac or zoloft.

Seroquel - the first and only anti-psychotic i’ve been on. i’ve been on this baby for a long time now, and i’m still on it. when i first started seroquel it was like a miracle drug for me. it took care of everything doctors had been trying to. mood swings, anxiety, depression, hallucinations, i loved it. but..

over time, the effectiveness of the medicine kept stopping. we keep/kept having to up the dosage. and it’d start working again! but then, just repeating. my body kept getting used to it, and i’m now at the maximum dosage, and it’s not working anymore.

side effect wise, i didn’t really mind these. it increased my appetite (but i was underweight before starting, so i didn’t mind at all) and it helps me sleep. but i sleep a little too much on it. (without it, i CANNOT sleep. maybe 1 hour at best, but on it, i sleep 12 hours and still feel tired) 

we are also now looking into the possibility that it’s been lowering my blood pressure? but nothing abt that is confirmed, just a theory. 

UPDATE: i am off seroquel now due to increased tolerance at a high dose, and the fact that it WAS lowering my BP when i stand.

Lamictal - the most recent medicine i’ve been on, and the only mood stabilizer i’ve been on. i didn’t like this medicine. i was on it for about a month.

after a few days on this medicine, i felt more.. depressed. it did the job of stabilizing my moods, but it stabilized me in a mood where i had no energy, felt derpessed, and more. i felt suicidal for the first time in a long time. everything felt pointless.

but, i told my psychiatrist this and they simply said it was because i wasn’t on prozac or any anti-depressant anymore. despite the fact i felt better off of it. 

they upped the dosage more and more, and i just felt worse. it was when i started swinging between extremely angry/irritable to depressed and apathetic, they started to listen and took me off of it. 

Zyprexa - this is the one i’m currently on, and soon to go off of. it worked really good for my psychosis! helped my thoughts, hallucinations, etc. i didn’t build up a tolerance to it either.

BUT. in march of 2018, i started gaining weight rapidly. turns out the zyprexa was upping my insulin levels, cholesteral, and prolactin levels. i have an ED, so gaining 30+ pounds within 3 months was not a good thing. it just came out of no where too. we hadn’t changed the dose or anything (but i was on 15mg)

so yeah, worked great, but the weight is a big issue now, so we’re switching off ASAP. i hope i can lose the weight easily.

UPDATE: i am off of zyprexa. also now that i’m off of it, i’m noticing i was very depressed on it.

Adderall (+ Xr) - this might be a little weird that i’m on it, considering it can make psychosis worse, but i fucking love this medicine. my doctor put it me on it for an energy boost, because i wake up exhausted every morning.

this medicine helps so much. it helps my anxiety and depression. i started off with just the regular adderall, but then had to switch to XR for a longer effect. i am VERY happy with adderall and will not be looking to change it anytime soon. it did make my hallucinations worse at first, but we just had to balance an anti-psychotic with it to get the benefits.

UPDATE: had to lower dosage by 10mg due to heartrate increase. unsure if related to adderall yet.

Ativan - so this is a take as needed for me. i was originally given it to help with plane anxiety, and it really did its job! when i was flying to my girlfriends house, i didn’t take it until after i was anxious, and i didn’t really notice anything. but then, flying home, i took it before i got anxious and it did AMAZING. i wasn’t anxious at all. so now, i just use it for when i’m having anxiety/panic attacks, or in a situation where i know i’m gonna be really stressed. 

Latuda - currently on as of june 2018. it manages my hallucinations and delusions, things like that fairly well. not completely. i also feel like i’m in a happier mood! i have not had any weight gain, it doesn’t seem to be causing any physical issues besides fatigue. BUT i do not sleep 12-14 hours on it like i did with seroquel/zyprexa. that is a big relief.

UPDATE: latuda effectiveness decreased after a experimental dose change, just didn’t like it anymore, plus it was making my eyes heavy (though that could be due to low thyroid, unsure) so we went off.

Abilify - currently on as of october 2018, miracle drug. i experience very little side effects after adjusting to dose increases, basically none! though with dosage increases, i get headaches, a “tired but wired” feeling, and i cannot sleep if i take it at night with this increase. on 2mg i had to take it in the morning as i felt very energized (though this changed with 5mg, i no longer feel energized) though after i adjust (3 days to a week for me) i have none of these problems. i can take it at night or day, it doesn’t affect me. though this may change as i am on a starter dose still (5mg) i will update after 10mg (the target dose). it helps my mood, it helps my hallucinations, though i can’t comment completely yet as like i said, not at the target dose yet. but it does very well and i’m very pleased with it, especially after reading so many awful reviews. 

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CURRENTLY ON: Abilify, Adderall XR, Ativan as needed

so that’s the updated version! if you have questions about any of these medicines, you are 100% free to ask me.

[stuntchica]

i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy