#and like yeah i could just play community servers but i shouldnt have to do that. casual should be functional

[goodtimeswithyourdad]

ok i know the tf2 bot problem has been a thing for years and i've only been playing this game for a couple of months but i feel like people should be making more of an upset about this than they are

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i just hardcore vented to emily and im usually pretty weary and careful of bringing up my relationship with God and the church to her bc i know she isnt religious but i was just so furious and on a role that i didnt really care

but yeah JKBHFDLKNF,AMDFJKSHL

im just so frickin MAD

first, i was mad with andrew and sofia bc they dont see the point in giving bobby(sofia’s ex) closure and theres nothing that i can say to change their mind but i cant believe how unbelievably selfish theyre being in not letting him know that the reason sofia and he broke up was not because of anything that he did wrong but bc she had her own personal things to deal with and their argument is why should they open up an old wound and just bring back the hurt? and theyre assuming hes moved on bc hes dated other people since sofia but doesnt mean it doesnt bother him and that hes gotten over it. and andrew kept rushing to sofia’s aid and saying why should she have to tell him if she doesnt want to and that mindset is just so selfish. it’s not about you. it’s not just about how you feel or what you want to do. this is about him and what you did to hurt him, whether or not it was intentional. and i think it’s valid to still address the problem and get it over with and leave it behind. time means nothing. you can spend your whole life wondering what you did wrong bc you never got closure. and im just so frustrated bc i know that no matter what i say, they wont change their minds and see that theyre wrong.

and with p josh, i was walking home with angela today and i realized that he has so many flaws but his heart is too offendable and always takes criticism really poorly which is a big issue and im the most frustrated bc his whole thing is serving others and being like Jesus and the disciples but he plays the power card all too frequently and it doesnt feel like hes actually trying to serve us. and he cant be so ambitious with his vision and goals and expect everyone else to play along. we have our own things to deal with and just because he can do something doesnt mean everyone else can be expected to follow at the same level. they might not be used to it and everyone reacts to things differently. just bc jason is a great server doesnt mean i will be. i freaking suck at being a server and i could never do it. i dont do well in stressful, spontaneous situations. but i am good at planning long term events but that doesnt mean he can. 

i think more importantly, we’re getting away from the vision. a church is a hospital for the broken and not a place to put saints on display. and i think we’ve started to become too into our own vision instead of God’s vision and we need to get back to basics and build up from there. we are being too ambitious with everything right now and there is a lot of transition happening and p josh cannot expect us to keep up with him when we have our own things in our lives to deal with. i am still so impacted by that one line from “Kuya Derek” that said, “I am a Christian but I am more defined by Jesus than I am by the doctrine.” God is love. Everything that the Ecclessia is is rooted in love. And by saying, “if you feel uncomfortable or have a problem with something, you can leave.” P Josh words things really poorly a lot and I dont think we should attack him with all of his flaws at once on Sunday. This is an ongoing process and he’s only human and we cant expect him to immediately change. But I do really think we need to address his offendable heart and his power cards. How can he preach about wanting to make MAST something where students are serving others when he cant even do that for us? He’s being open about his issues and I respect that but he is still so blind. I almost feel like he’s telling us part of his struggles and flaws and just turning a blind eye to the real issues at hand in an effort to make himself look better. and now that i type that, i dont believe it to be true. but he HAS to be aware of these things. how can he hope that anyone will follow him when hes being such a hypocrite? And this is definitely something that I need to calm down about and pray about but asdfghjkl;

i definitely want to make a list and have it ready to address during our meeting on sunday.

also, i feel like angela has disliked me as a person for a while so i am really glad we’re getting along so well now but i also dont want our friendship to be rooted in hate. i dont want to just bond with her bc we gossip about other people. i want to really be her friend but i do think bc we’re both so straightforward and blunt, we have the potential to become really close. 

and i should address this in the future but i didnt today but she talked about how shes really passionate about the LGBTQ+ community today but the church finds that a really taboo topic to address and she doesnt want it to be like that but shes made fun of the politically correct culture at Columbia on more than a handful of occassions and that actually really turned me off and discouraged to bring up the topic in the past.

and another thing for p josh, i know that he wants lakeview to be a more multicultural place again and i wasnt there for that and i just feel like hes so in love with how things used to be but he needs to recognize that this isnt the past. this is now. we can try to be a more multicultural place again and think about what we can do now but he cant expect it to be like how it once was bc it will never be the same again. it will change and it will be different. 

im also surprised he didnt tell angela about when i called him out on his decision making bc that was lowkey one of my fears that he vented to jason and angela so im surprised she was surprised about it.

but yeah, im gonna finish watching new girl, shower, pack a little, and start to pray about this.

im sad today was the last life group but im also glad i got to pray for everyone bc i really wanted to. and today was actually so nice and felt so comfortable. we’re usually so tense and awkward but today was so much fun and i feel like everyone felt like they were free to be themselves and i really really enjoyed it. i just wish we couldve had this time sooner on. 

im starting to calm down and just imagine different scenarios and what i would say to him and how he would react.

i think the transition with the life groups and people leaving is a blessing in disguise. i think it’s been easy to get caught up in the details and logistics but we are now so far from the vision of it all. we’ve gotten so caught up with planning and thinking about how to benefit the most people that we have strayed so far away from what it means to love. to accept, and care, and invest, and love. and that’s what the church should be rooted in. out with the racism and cultural biases. what do we have if God is not at the center of it all. we shouldnt be thinking about how to benefit the most people. we should be thinking about how to save that one lost sheep. 

and i will not leave lakeview. i refuse. God called me here for a reason and I intend to carry out His Will. and to combat Rachel’s argument of if you dont feel comfortable being around other Koreans, then you should leave, to that i say this—

we are the church and should be appealing to EVERYONE. regardless of their race. and dont get me wrong, i totally see the appeal in having a predominantly Korean American church. I grew up in a white dominated neighborhood and was never really around Korean culture. my parents never spoke korean to me. there were always barely any Asians at my school. The cousins near my age lived on the other side of the country and my cousins that lived in California are wayyyy older than me and i didnt start talking to them until Robbin passed away. And I am still so hurt and saddened by him bc i still do not fully understand why God had to take him away from this Earth. And I know that so much good has come from it but it still hurts and pains me so much to this day but I am choosing to trust in God’s reasoning and plan and will and just trust that there was a reason why he took Robbin from this Earth. So yes, I see the appeal. But we really should not be preaching to each other and other Koreans. We should be preaching to ANYONE that can hear the Word.